Clip Speaker

I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Not everybody could do this.

Nigga what?

Nigga my knives.

Are your mom's house exclusive? You smelt it here first.

And if she let me eat her booty, yeah, I'm gonna eat her booty.

$12.84.

Great. Amazing. Thank you. Wish everybody in there a happy birthday for me. Have a good one.

I feel alright, feel alright today. I feel alright, it is home day.

Fuck off, you fucker! Fuck off, you...

Dude.

Fuck this bitch. If you need to focus and you have low focus, what you do is just pull back your foreskin. That'll put a pressure on your frenulum, which stimulates the pineal to secrete the god molecule. See, I'm talking like Andrew Huberman here. And then you just rub, rub, rub the juicy mushroom. Whoa! And it tingles the balls and it just gives you... It's like having a dose of espresso or...

And don't worry, my American brothers, if you're circumcised, what you can do is rub your ball bag and then mix the ball bag smell with a little bit from your stink portal. So just rub the starfish and then... Oh, it does the same thing!

Hey, guys. How are you guys? Jeff and I are meeting Pret and Megan for an early dinner tonight.

You never know where those conversations may go.

I want to hear your French pronunciation on the menu. I'll critique you.

Very good.

Of course. Hello. Welcome to boulangerie.

Don't laugh. It's not that funny.

Can I get you all an appetizer to start? You know, your hummus looked good. Your hummus plate. It's excellent. Great. We'll try it. Okay?

Did you guys notice anything?

He's a very good-looking guy. We have a very open relationship. And this is just one more way we try to be open. And I found it's more freeing to just acknowledge, yeah, that is a beautiful man.

That's your type. Well, yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah. I don't feel like I fit the mold of guys that are attracted to other men.

Other than my deep and abiding love for Broadway show tunes and the attraction to males. Those are the two things that are kind of gay about me.

The danger scale goes from zero to four. A one on the danger scale means you notice, you look. A two means you looked again.

Uh-oh.

A three, you'd be tempted to turn around and look again and again. Uh-oh. Four pretty much means you're requiring restraints.

Thank you. Being friends with other guys that deal with same-sex attraction, it's really been helpful.

Somebody cares about you, Tom.

They're kind of in a place that I want to be. I want to meet a girl and like her and say, by the way, I'm attracted to guys. That's what my friends have done, and they've made it work.

Red is like the best color ever.

Yeah. I don't anymore.

Okay. Let's talk about it. I'm too fat to safely ride in a Waymo. And you might be, too. It's your favorite automotive educator. And recently, my wife and I took our first spin in the self-driving ride share service. I had concerns, but was cautiously optimistic about the experience. After loading up our suitcases and getting comfortable, I buckled my seatbelt.

No way I was riding in a futuristic self-driving machine without it. And bam, the seatbelt clicked and immediately locked. Okay, it happens. Let me try again. Removing my seatbelt instantly made the car scream at me. But you know, I had to. The seatbelt locked yet again, almost instantly. Damn it. Wait, isn't it supposed to lock?

Before you think I'm the problem, we're just too damn fat for this car. The seatbelt locked on my smaller wife too. Fat people deserve a safe, comfortable ride just like anyone else. Waymo, you need to provide seatbelt extenders. It's as simple as that. They're relatively inexpensive and should simply be in the car for customers to use when they're needed.

And while we're on the subject of seatbelt extenders, being an ally to the fat people in your life means you too should have a seatbelt extender because they're not universal.

A quick Google search or call to your local parts department at the dealership will let you know if the car manufacturer makes them. And if they don't, you can get it from seatbeltextenderpros.com for $20 to $30.

To all the other countries that wonder and say that Americans are just fat and lazy and they don't do anything to better themselves, this is what $115 gets you. Let me show you. We were able to get some Ritz crackers, one thing of cereal, some ramen, more ramen, tuna, bag of potatoes, a few avocados. Donuts. Snacks, desserts. No, those aren't snacks. Two bags of chips, ice cream. Funyuns. Fritos.

Pizza rolls. Some sausage biscuits. One thing of Dr. Pepper.

All of this for $115.

You can't wait for me to go to work because I need my me time. What does that me time mean? What does that mean? You know. You know. No, I don't know. Yes, you do know. Tell me I don't know. You thought this would cheer me up? Oh, are you jacking off? Ma! Oh, fuck.

Birthday shout-out, nigga, what? Hey, yo, Elia, word on the street is it's your 16th birthday today, pussy lips. And speaking of pussy lips, what's up with your mama's fat-ass purple pussy lips? Nigga, what?

Jesus, Tom. Mom Segura.