Conan O'Brien
Appearances
20/20
Bad Rap: Party's Over
A lot of ladies drink water at parties. So if you don't have what they need, they're going to leave. Got to keep them there. You need locks on the doors. This is sounding kind of dangerous now. It's a little kinky, but you know.
Bad Rap: The Case Against Diddy
Party's Over
A lot of ladies drink water at parties. So if you don't have what they need, they're going to leave. Got to keep them there. You need locks on the doors. This is sounding kind of dangerous now. It's a little kinky, but you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
No, I'm not some perv, you know? You're the guy chasing storms around. They probably have a restraining order out against you. The storms have a restraining order? Yeah, there's a tornado that's like, they're like, that creep is, I'm just trying to do my, I'm just trying to fly some cows around. It's that creep again in his van taking a picture of me. Storm chaser.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Well, not that you don't make it very enticing, because you've pretty much explained to me that nothing happens 99% of the time, and most of your quips have been insults. So I'm coming out right away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I mean, that's the problem is I would go storm chasing with you, but I have a feeling that how are we going to time this? When is good tornado season? Is it the spring? Summer? Yeah, April, May, June. Okay, I'm going to lock off those three months. I'm going to get a Best Western in downtown Fargo. I'm going to walk around going, it's my deal here, Wade. And...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
And then we'll wait for something to happen and then we'll jump in the, you and I can jump in the van together. Haven't said that in a while. Oh, sorry. And fire up the old Doppler. Is it a 1780? What kind of Doppler is it? What do you got there? I got the 1800 model. Those are fantastic. Those are great. Yeah. Just make sure. Well, you probably have already looked into it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
You got to use the correct megahertz. Max, I'm going to sign off now. It was very nice talking to you. And I like the cut of your jib. You seem like a fine lad. Really think seriously about what I said about changing it up a little bit. Dressing a little fashion forward. Separate yourself from the herd is what I'm going to say.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Because the rest of the people in that station are going down, going down hard. You want to survive, okay? You're young and accentuate your youth. That's what I say to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
You're a survivor. Exactly. All right. I think we're good here. I'm going to ask you to go and look into some indoor heating, if that's possible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Nope, not at all, not at all. I think it's good to have, especially in Fargo, probably some kind of heating because the alternative is death. Max, I hope you survive the winter, and I sincerely doubt you will. So do I. Yeah, but if not, I'll come by when we'll chop you up into slices and use chunks of your flesh to cool our drinks. Max, good day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Well, I don't know them, and I'm not sure you do. Max, I'm ending this. I tried. I've tried several times to end it, and I just want you to say, and if we go out on one thing, it's, it's my deal here, Wade. Oh, my God. Thanks, Max. Bye, Max.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
And you're a meteorologist. Are you on the radio? Are you on television? Where do you do your meteorology? I am on television. I'm on the Fox-affiliated TV station in Fargo. Oh, very cool. And because it's Fox, do they encourage you to put like a political slant? Like, oh, there's a bad storm coming from the left wing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Yeah, the left wing of the state. There's a bad kooky storm, but don't worry. Now it's becoming Irish.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
my deal here hey no no wait we talked about it's my deal here if i stick to my deal here i think i got the action just repeat that over and over again yeah i think so okay um like you're from the midwest oh wait you are you're from southern illinois yeah yeah yeah it's true um max i'm sorry uh you're a meteorologist and i'm gonna try to bring some sanity i think you've upended this conversation with your nonsense
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Hey, Max. How are you? I'm trying to stay warm. Oh, okay. Well, you're indoors. Do you not have heating? What's going on?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Okay, hey. Wow, Jesus. All right, you just take it easy. You're a meteorologist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Okay, you're right. I have the highest respect for you, Max. I think you've lost control. You've lost the feeling in your extremities from the severe cold. Um... So you are in the studio. You are doing the weather. Is the weather usually the same in Fargo? Does it get boring?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
You know, there's that old joke about it's really boring to be a weatherman in Los Angeles because it's always 72 degrees and fairly pleasant. What about in Fargo?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Well, bad luck for other people is good luck for you because you get to say pretty much. Oh, it's a big storm coming their way. I'm going to keep going at it. I'm going to keep going at it. There's no way to stop me. So, OK, what kind of do you get outside the studio much?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I mean, are you mostly there in front of the green screen pointing to things like low pressure system, high pressure system, snowflakes, that kind of thing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I'm going to climb through this microphone and come and get you. You understand me? Don't you sass me, young man. All right? I'm 98 years old. I've served this country bravely. In World War II. And you're going to treat me with respect. None of your sass now. This is my deal here, Wade. Oh, no. Oh, my Lord. No, I'm in front of the green screen most of the time. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
And do you have to ad lib a lot? Is that because sometimes I would think. You're there. And I don't mean to put down your anchor because I don't know who your anchor is. But what if your anchor just is trying to be funny and you got to kind of have to play off your anchor who I'm just assuming is, you know, he's come on. You're a funny guy, Max. You're calling in. You're clearly a fan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Where are you right now? I'm in Fargo, North Dakota. Ah, Fargo. Yeah. Okay. That's my favorite movie, by the way. It really is one of my favorite movies. I love Fargo. I wish you talked like that in the movie. It's my deal here, Gene. Hey, wait. Hey, wait.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
You've already had some good quips. You put me in my place. What if your anchor is like and you have to deal with that? What do you do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I don't know what you're talking about, Max.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
It's all just off the top of my head. You're going commando, right? No, no, seriously. You're letting the old pendulum swing, if you know what I mean. Those guys are locked in. They're just locked in. And now the weather, you know, and they'll read it. You know what I mean? That's that's that's what it is. Yeah. It's like the movie Anchorman. You just put it on the prompter and they'll read it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Do you get outside the studio much? Do you ever get a chance to get outside and have some excitement?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I've never talked to someone who really does that. Of course, there are the famous iconic movies about storm chasing. How inaccurate are those movies? I'm guessing they are fairly inaccurate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Okay, Max, paint the picture for me. You hear there's a tornado or the conditions are right for a tornado, and then it comes in over the radio. The tornado is setting down over near, you know, Cobbler's Grove. And you say, let's go, gang. And you all hit the gas and you head towards the tornado. Is that correct? Yeah. Whoa, look at that. Is that something you just got off online or...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
No, believe it or not, I took this. So you took that photo and you got that close to a tornado. Now, what if that thing had suddenly started heading? You know, the way when a bear attacks you, if it's a black bear, you're supposed to do this. If it's a brown bear, you're supposed to do that. What do you do if you think a tornado is headed your way?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Is there is there something I should know that might save my life in the future?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Okay, let me ask you a question. Because this is something that I've thought about. And I think about a lot of things. I'm a thoughtful man. And... So I've heard when, you know, when there's a big wave coming towards you, you can try to run away from it. But sometimes that's the worst thing you can do. Sometimes you should turn and you should dive into the wave. Would it ever be a good idea?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Let me finish. You don't know where I'm going with this to dive into the tornado.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
will no and just go with it and like ascend ascend ascend and there's cows swirling around you moo moo and there's other people from fargo it's mild my deal here wade no wait it's my hey no wait i talk to these guys they mean business it's my deal here wade and moo moo and you just ascend through them is that a possibility
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Yeah, that's okay. Well, no, we're not going to get into some sort of sex game. That's not going to happen. Do you want money? You can Venmo him. No, no, no. I'm not giving him any money for this. I think it's just an excuse for me to say, it's my deal here, Wade. No, no. I mean, I'm sorry. What accent is that? It's Fargo. It's Fargo. Are you sure? I'm sure. Hey, you know, I'm sorry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
There's not as much fun as Fargo. You know, it's just not as much fun. Yeah, pure old news. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I would first of all, I would do it because I am very I do anything for a bit. And if it's for a bit and I think it'll it'll make people happy, I'll do it. And you'll just find a red wig later on and some bits of flesh. That's fascinating that you go chasing after the storms and you don't feel endangered when you're doing that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Even if you see a tornado, you think it's pretty good chance it's not going to come our way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Isn't there an app that will tell you uh where the tornado is and there's an app for everything and if there isn't you should invent one but there should be an app that tells you there's a tornado and it's it's six feet that way and there's a little arrow
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
You can't just rely on, I'm guessing it's a Doppler. Yeah. Yeah. You know the terms. Well, whatever. I pretty much helped invent the technology. Oh, you're that Conan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Conan O'Ryan. Conan Doppler O'Ryan. Okay. You seem like a happy chappy, Max. Is life good for you? You enjoy your life. You're a young fellow. You're part of a proud guild of meteorologists. I don't know. I'm impressed. I mean, you're You know what I mean? Sometimes you think, oh, you're going to talk to a meteorologist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
It's going to be some crusty 65-year-old guy who's like, I remember the tornado of 57. I'm like, oh, Jesus, this guy again. But look at you. You're a very young guy, and this is pretty cool. How did you know a tornado went through Fargo in 1957? I know a lot about tornadoes and I know a lot about Fargo.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Oh, I think my accent is so good. It scares the shit out of you. And I'll be honest with you. I can tell you just, I can see the color drain from you every time I go. That's right. Hey, it's my deal. You're waiting. Um, the color, uh, I just live in Fargo.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Do you have, uh, do you have family? What's, what's going on in your life, your social life? Uh,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
You don't sound at all like anyone from the movie Fargo.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Oh, okay. I'm just curious. Do you ever get together with the other meteorologists? I mean, and is there a rivalry? There must be other meteorologists in town from other stations. And is there rivalry between you guys?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Hey, Wade, first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club, Wade. Make it stop. Make it stop. I'm sorry. I just wanted to put a little Fargo spin on it. We punch each other and then say, sorry. Yeah. Sorry. All right. So sounds like life is good. Do you have a question for me? Is there a way I can help you? I'd like to help you, Max, in any way that I can.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
I'd like to use what skills I have. I'm a humble man, as you can tell. All humble men.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Max! Max! See, what I was doing was a trick to get you to do that. It worked. And my bad Fargo accent brought out your good one. And so I win this round. I love that. I love that. Now you don't owe me any money. So, Max, what do you do? Besides living in an apartment that has no central heating, what do you do with yourself, my friend? I'm a meteorologist. Oh, cool. That's cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Oh, well, first of all, what are you wearing when you do the weather forecasting? Clothes. No, but come on, what are you wearing? How are you dressed? A suit. You wear a suit? Do you have to wear a suit? I mean, you're a young guy and times are changing fast. And you're working on a local station and you might want to make a splash. You might want to jazz it up a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Maybe you want to go with something, I don't know, a little more au courant. You know what I'm saying? Maybe you want to dress more like you would out on the street or out if you're going to a club. There must be a cool club near you. He said, not sure at all that there was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
Or whatever, you know, a hoodie or whatever. I mean, you've got to... What you have to do is separate yourself from all the other people in suits that are saying that there's an ice storm moving in and it's going to be cold tomorrow. You've got to pop. And if that means you get some fashion-forward glasses a la Jeff Goldblum, whatever you've got to do... You should do that is in my opinion.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
This Is My Deal Here, Wade
And you said my first answer was going to blow, but it didn't. It's exactly what you should do. Not that you're not rocking the world right now in your black T-shirt, but let me tell you something, buddy boy. If you want to make it, you've got to shake things up a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Are they going to be able to keep their mouths shut? Because you do want it to be a surprise when you give her the ring.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
She's an intelligent woman. I'm assuming she's not listening, so I think you're okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Do you think her parents are going to have a lot of input on what the ring is, or do you get to choose that freely?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
She already knows. What would she want? I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
But do they know what she wants? Because you keep talking about what, you know, Eduardo brings up a good point, which is they know what their preferences are, but what's her preference?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Well, I think it's all going to go swimmingly. I just want to make sure that it's a nice surprise. You know, that when you pull that ring out of yourself, that it's a surprise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
How is that even working? If he times it right, he can say, honey, get over here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
No, no, no. No, no, no. He's got to rinse it first. You can't just pull it out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Get over here now. Get over here now. Did you just say squat? He's going to squat now. He's going to squat? No, come on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Your fiance can never listen to this. You could fire it across the room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Stick your finger out, honey. No. Here she comes. Your parents helped me pick it out. Your parents picked it out a week ago. And then I ate it with a lot of corn.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Reheal. I'm looking right now at a transcript of this entire conversation and I see that I've made no missteps whatsoever. Everything I've said is rational and should be done. So congratulations. No, Raheel, you are a impressive young man. I think you're going to have a great career. I wish you the best with this proposal. I think it's all going to go swimmingly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And I hope I bump into you in person someday because I like you. You're a fine fellow. Really think seriously about swallowing the ring. Just think about it. It's a good idea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hi, Raheel. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey, everybody.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's such a dedication it takes in the field of medicine. There is no preparation for being in comedy. Yeah. There's no it's I am ashamed. I'm ashamed that you just get to dive in and be an ass and and whatever. Start getting to practice immediately. I'm so impressed by the fact that you've had you've spent years and years and years of your life preparing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And I'm glad you have, because I'm sure you're going to be very good at what you do. You're going to help save a lot of lives.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah. How are you? First of all, where are you contacting us from?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. I've talked about this a lot, but can you hook me up with propofol? Oh, jeez.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Because I've, you know, when I've had colonoscopies, they give me this drug propofol, and I've talked about it before, but it's the happiest I've been in my entire life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's an absolutely amazing feeling and it's miraculous. And so if you can become my secret illegal supplier of propofol, I don't see how anyone traces it back to us. I don't see one way that it leaks out and it's tracked back to us. That's just what I'm saying. By the way, I'm terrible at committing crimes. Have you performed any colonoscopies? Is that something that they've trained you to do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Can I just say, I hate to interrupt, but Raheel, doesn't that kind of suck for the patient? If you're saying like, yeah, you know, first year, you're just jamming a camera in there. You don't know what you're doing. It's banging up against stuff and you just have to kind of force it. Isn't that, I mean, you don't want to be, I don't want to encounter you at that stage, Raheel, as a patient.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Very nice. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Raheel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
You're right. Okay. So I wake up and I don't know what's happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Even though you've been banging around in there for three hours. What do you mean banging around in there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Good, good. I would think when is the I would think the technology is going to improve to the point where you just swallow like a little pill or something and it works its way through your system really quickly. And the pill comes out the other side and said, everything is fine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
See, that's the problem is technology replaces a lot of, I mean, I'll be replaced by AI in about a year.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. That's good to know. Just let me, give me a heads up. Ratings might go up. All right. That's nice. That's nice. Let's turn up the knob on the comedy portion of the Conan. Hey, it's working. Well, I think that's fantastic. Now, what about you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Does looking at people's intestines, has it at all adjusted or informed the way that you eat or the way that you treat your body when you look at other people's intestines?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And, um, that's fascinating to me. So you're telling them, well, it's really good to, you know, eat a lot of roughage and don't eat processed foods. And it's really good to avoid the, and then you don't listen to it at all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. All right. Are you pretty healthy? Are you a healthy eater other than when you're at work? Let's say you're not at work. Are you fairly healthy about your diet?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Oh, good Lord. That's impressive. You're a gastroenterologist. And what was the other field too?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Right. Yeah, I'm not a big lentil guy, I'm going to tell you right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
I mean, I don't think I've ever said, hey, I need me some lentils. Yeah. You know? Or when I'm in a restaurant, it's not the first thing I ask the waiter. Hey, you got lentils? No. What's the lentil situation? Let's run down the list of the lentils. What's the lentil of the day? Exactly. I want to see the lentil sommelier come out and taste the lentil. So do you fast ever? I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Because that's a big thing now. People believe that fasting and I would like your opinion on this because I know people that fast and they say it's good for them. And now there's a lot of science that's saying fasting is good. But I always wonder, is it one of those things where 10 years from now they're going to tell us, actually, it's terrible for you. We changed our minds, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hi, doctor. Can you tell us what you're seeing on Instagram?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hello, doctor. Tell me what's on TikTok. Go ahead. Sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hepatology is blood? Liver. Liver. Ooh. Ooh. Sorry. So liver connected to intestine. Yes. Intestinal tract. That all makes sense. Okay. Yeah. And we'll clean that up. What do you want me to do? What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
What is that? Can you tell me specifically what your religion is?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah. I mean, no food of any kind, or can you take some sustenance?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. I have questions. As a doctor, do you think that that's okay to go eight days without any food other than water?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Are you even able to get out of bed on the eighth day? Are you debilitated?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
That's because your body is eating itself. On day seven, hey, I don't feel so bad. Yeah, you just ate your heart. Your body's like, I'm good. Yeah, liver's gone, heart's gone. Now I'm working on the third rib. I mean, it's all it's all it's fascinating to me because clearly there is a large religious component in many religions.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
There's a big religious component to denying yourself food, fasting, going without and people feeling like they reach a higher plane or. Or that they feel that they've gained something by seeing what they could do by denying themselves. So there's clearly some kind of link here. It's just we don't know, obviously, completely what the science is. And maybe it's different for all kinds of people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
What do you, is the, is it, do you, do you get a, a, you know, like a nine tiered hamburger? What do you get? I mean, I know you're a vegetarian. I'm just thinking about what I would do. I would, I would try to go to in and out and say, can you make a hamburger that has nine patties that structurally sound like a deck of cards?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah, just so I know what hepatology is. Anyway, so you'll do as you're told. Okay, I'm sorry, Raheel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah, I want a car dealer in here, a really good one to shuffle the patties and make a nine tiered sandwich. And then I want my jaw unlocked so I can eat it in one bite. What is your what is what do you when you when you when you would break fast, what would you eat?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
I'm a big fan of lentil water. Don't get me wrong. I am a foe of the lentil. That is my lifelong foe is the lentil, but lentil water and I are best chums.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Right, right. Do you have a question for Conan, Rahil?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay, your question is you don't want to purchase the ring from the parents. Is that it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Are you assuming they're not going to give you the best deal that they might be trying to make a profit off of?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Do you get along with your girlfriend's parents?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
No, I do. I do. They're lovely. They're lovely. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
So my guess is they're going to give you a good deal. But that's the assumption that, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
He can't go anywhere else. He can't go to another jeweler. So they're just going to be like, oh, he's going to pay whatever we tell him to pay. I would pay like three times the price.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
I don't know these people. I don't know who they are. You tell me they're nice people. I'm questioning whether you have to buy the ring from them.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
Now, I've always heard hepatology is the study of the liver. Is that correct?
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One Ring To Rule Them All
Well, you could say, Rahil, that it's important for you that the ring you give your future wife have passed through your body.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
Oh, that's not what I thought. I said, I just want to be an independent man.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
No, no. And it's important to you that, A, you buy the ring and then it passed through your GI tract. Okay. Because that's such an important part of your life. And they're not going to want to sell you one of their rings once they hear that.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
It's a symbol of what you do, your profession, what you're giving your life to, but also you are willing to process this ring in every way that a human can process something. And then they're going to not want to sell you a ring at that point.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
No, because there's a good chance it'll get stuck in there like a sunflower seed.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
It's not. What? Raheel, you'll buy a ring that will pass easily through the lower bowel, will you not? Okay.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
Thank you. I never make mistakes when it comes to medicine because I, too, am well-trained. Well, first of all, congratulations. You're a young man, and it seems like you're very well-educated, and that's very cool, and you're going to help a lot of people. Tell us a little bit about your training. What are you interested in? Well, first of all, have you worked with a lot of patients so far?
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One Ring To Rule Them All
And you can also encase it in a prune or something.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
It's going to go through pretty quick. Don't eat the ring. Don't eat the ring.
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One Ring To Rule Them All
Oh, you're telling me that what I'm telling him is stupid. How is it stupid that he buy a ring, stick it in a prune, eat it, pass it through his body, clean it off and give it to his wife and bypass his her parents who are jewelers? I don't see one problem with that plan. Raheel, what do you think? I could get behind most of it. Well, listen, in all seriousness, I think you buy the ring from them.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I'm saying you guys aside, the lineup was incredible. It was awesome. It was a murderer's row. It was a murderer's row of just some of the people I respect the most in comedy. And they came out and they were all hilarious and really funny. And I will set the table, which is that I didn't know what to expect. And as you can imagine, being the focus of...
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, it looks like one of the skeleton warriors from Sinbad is sitting in the crowd. But I think that's nice. That's a fun Easter egg. No, it frightened people. And a lot of kids can't watch now. A little smelly egg in the audience. They're like, look, there's a skeleton and he's going to charge the stage. Anyway, a lot of work is being done, so now it's been moved to May 4th.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Are they adding flesh to me? Like, are they reanimating me? Yes, and they're also not just flesh, but living flesh, so that it looks like you're still alive. Right, right, right. Because we've tried adding flesh to you before using CGI, and it just looks like you're a zombie. I don't know why the word desiccated is always used to describe me.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
You know, listen.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
It's my own fault because when I found you, you were in a tomb in Syria. You knew the deal. Yeah, I unwrapped you and I said, you'll be my head writer. And, you know, the lest is history. That's right. I just said the lest is history.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Well, because I'm now, my head is so swollen with the Twain prize that it's hard for me to pronounce words.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, no, no. It is for athletic ability. Oh, no, no, no, no, Conan.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Oh, and guess what? Know what it is? It's the Mark Twain Prize for the most riz.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Don't make it negative. I know what Riz is, and it says on the award, Twain thinks you got Riz.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Someone learned a new word today. And guess what? Can I say something else? She was famous for piloting a Rizzer boat.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, now it's July 4th because they've got to, oh, fuck. We got a skeleton in the audience. I'm making dad jokes about Riz. We're all going down the drain. Oh.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Oh, my God.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Will Forte is a surprise, but it's OK to talk about it. He was I had a notion for how I wanted the evening to end. And there was when I thought of it, I thought there's only one person who can do it. which is Will Forte.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And I did something I never do, which is I cold called him and I don't like to do that, but I cold called him and I said, I have an idea, but it means you flying to DC and only you can do it. And he was laughing really hard at the idea and he said, do it. And then I said, you have to pay for your own flight. Oh, man. And you have to pay me $5,000. That's reasonable. Yeah.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And you have to kiss my feet. No, he he came and he I mean, he's again. He's the best. Again, he's just so funny and he can. I thought of this one idea and I thought there's one person who can do it. And sure enough. And to the degree where if he had if he had said.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I'd love to do it, but I can't because I'm shooting my, you know, I've got a shooting set, I'm in a movie, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. I would have done a different idea because he was the only person who could do it. So everything came together. And Triumph was great. That was your idea. Oh my God, Robert Smigel and Triumph. Robert was great. Robert was hilarious.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And he took you through the evening and the fact that it was a, you're in the Kennedy Center and it's this very impressive environment. And let's just try and remember Triumph is a rubber dog who speaks like an old Russian lady, has a microphone and is leading us through the evening.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Oh, well, that's the other thing.
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being talked about and possibly complimented is the lowest rung of Dante's hell for me. For any Irishman. For any Irishman. And it was, I wasn't, I didn't know how to feel about it, and I was feeling very squirrely about the whole thing. And then I showed up, and there was a dinner the night before,
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
But, you know, in between takes of things, I'd be talking to Robert and the puppet would be on his hand. And we'd be talking about, and sometimes Robert would be doing the puppet and I find myself talking to the puppet and Robert's not wearing a mask or anything. Right, right. You talk to Triumph.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
But the fact that if Triumph is sitting there just watching the event and Will Ferrell's also watching and no one's like, I'm watching it. It's just the most natural thing in the world. There'll never be a dumber. I mean, there may not be a Twain award again.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Until May 4th, if it ever comes. Yeah, wait till the 4th of May. It would have been the 4th of April, except for Sweeney. May the 4th be with you. Did you say may the 4th be with you? Yes, I did. Why don't you take a Rizzer boat? And find yourself a new job. Yay. Anyway, it was. Conan O'Brien has a pun.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
We left the morning after the Twain Awards.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
To go to Austria. To finish up the show that had been interrupted by stuff in my life.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Oh, and you got nominated for Best Special Effects. Yeah. Incredible.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
How did they get a skeleton in the crowd?
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Andy was fantastic. The dinner and the show. Both, both, yes. Amazing job by Andy. He had some great jokes. Yes. And he's, you know, it's... I get chills because Andy... The summer before the show started, I was in so much trouble because I knew I only have literally weeks to try and come up with a show that would replace David Letterman from scratch. Yes, insane.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And the minute I met Andy Richter, I thought, oh, I like this guy. And in the back of my mind, I thought it'd be cool if he was with me out there so I wasn't alone. And he's so funny.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, no, no.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, no. That Andy is always Andy. Yes, exactly. And it doesn't matter. You can, in a beautiful way, he's always himself. Yes. He's true to himself all the time. And there's no, okay, I better gear up and get into Andy Richter character. There's no such thing. Yeah. And the same with Sona. Yep. Sona doesn't give a shit about her performances or her work for me. Yeah.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
On your podcast.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
You know, you win all the time. You win at life all the time.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
which in this case was emceed by Mike Sweeney, who was, and you feel free to jump on, Mike, anytime you want, Adam Sachs, because you were there as well. Wow, you seem thrilled. It looked like I just asked him, hey, if you want to, you can swallow a cup of my mucus. Adam, it'll help kill time. No. Just as you were an observer, and... It's like he was at the Hindenburg. Yeah, yeah.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yes, she did say that.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yeah, and I did have the strong urge to die afterwards. Just because it's like, what are you going to do now? But then I realized, eh, it's on Netflix. People will see it, they'll forget. I need to get that next prize.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
We've only had one. It's Twain. Yeah. Who's the guy that created Garfield?
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
What's his name? I don't even know.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
It would be so cool if I had this.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I don't know if anyone's come since. No, what if they skip over Charles? What if they skip over Charles Schultz and they just give it to Jim Davis? Yeah, Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield. And it's the Davis. The Davis. He's going to get the Davis. Yeah. But you have to work in a plug for Garfield. It's a bowl of lasagna. That's right. Because that's what he liked to eat.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
This was going so well.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yes. And really good video surprises. Yeah. Some fans will enjoy. Yes. Fans, if there's still Conan fans out there. Right, right, right. After this self-congratulatory podcast episode. Well, no, I congratulated you.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yeah. And what are you going to do?
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yeah, I just wish I had had more time to take it in because literally the next morning, everybody had to scatter because everyone's busy. Right. And you and I jumped on a plane with Ross and we took off for... And Jordan for Austria. And then we just got back. So I'm still...
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yes, there's a lot that's happening right now. But I'm glad they recorded that evening because if there wasn't a recording of it, I wouldn't believe it. That's how I feel about it. I kind of just wouldn't believe it. And my love and thanks to everybody who came out I mean, really busy people flew across the country to be there, and I'll never forget it as long as I live. Wait, just forgot it.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yeah. All right. Well, I think May 4th, Netflix. Check it out. I think you will enjoy it. And next week in this regular time slot, we'll probably be back with a fan or maybe just me talking more about... How I won a prize. They're casting more fans this week. We're paying people. His name's Conan. Hey, Cronin. I loved your late night show. It's Conan and it's late night.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I love you since you started in 2011. Yeah. I love it. You're great. I love when you drive with people and sing songs. No, that's Cronin. Whatever. Fuck it. Where's my money? All right. Peace out, Tupac.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
He was there at Lakehurst. The humanity. He said, the humanity, the humanity. Sweeney was awesome.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
You were so funny. You came up. And it's a strange thing, because... We're all here the night before. There's some corporate tables from different companies that have given money to the Kennedy Center to help support the arts and have been doing so for many years. And immediately you started to go after those tables, which was hilarious.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I want to set the stage, which is this is how strange the night was. The night before, the night before we all gather, there's a cocktail party, shaking hands, talking to different people. We sit down and I don't quite know what's going to happen. And before the evening, just as the evening is starting, I feel something hit me between the shoulder blades.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And I'm like, not hard, but something kind of thumped between my shoulder blades. And I'm like, did I imagine that? What's that really happened? And someone leaned over and said, David Letterman just threw a bread roll at you. Yeah.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And so I wheel around in my chair, and as you're getting started, or the proceedings are starting, I go over to Dave, who's there with his beard, and it's David fucking Letterman, who's such an iconic figure for all of us. And I go over, and I just said, like, sir, did you throw a bread roll at me? And he looked at me with mock horror, and he's like, well, no, I did not.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And he pointed to someone at another table. And then Sweeney took over. You were fantastic. Awesome. I hate complimenting you. I know.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
But anyway, the point is we wanted to do something a little different because I just had a very momentous moment in my career. And we thought maybe we should talk about it. And there was some people asking questions. Actually, no one was. I just want to talk about it. No. No one felt it needed more discussion. I received the prestigious Mark Twain Award. Prize. Yeah, that's right. It's a prize.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
You were really funny. I love complimenting you. You were really funny. And it was nice, too, because I didn't even realize that some of the people who were going to be performing the next night, these big names were in the room. I didn't realize because they showed up. Oh, I did. They sat in the corner. I was terrified. Yeah. But people got up and spoke.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Hey, Conan O'Brien here, and we're doing something a little different today. I know this is usually a fan episode, but there are no more fans. They're all gone. It's been a while. It's been a while, and we've actually used a couple of people ten times using different voices and mustaches, which is unnecessary when it's audio. And women.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
My good friend Amy Littman got up and gave a beautiful speech. And she is so funny, but also one of the best writers I've ever known.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
She had a perspective on me, knowing me when I was, she was not in a lampoon, but she lived across the street and she used to call the cops on us all the time. And that's how we became friends. I used to sit and talk to her through an open window while she was working late on one of her beautiful, you know, stories or prize-winning essays.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Oh, and Masters of Sex.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
She's a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant force and a great friend. She was amazing. She gave, I mean, one of the all-time great speeches. And then I have to give it up. So many people got up and spoke. Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross. Did a very nice job. Very nice job. I've never heard Jeff say... two consecutive sentences. It was crazy. In 30 years, that's the most verbiage I've heard.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And he gave a very nice speech. I have to say something, which is Sona Movsesian takes the stage, and who's sitting in the crowd? David Letterman, John Mulaney, Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, these heavyweights who are going to be speaking the next night at the thing, they... Sona gets up and she acts like, yeah, okay, here it goes. That's how she always is. That's how you always are.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
She's a superstar. I have marveled at this, which is that Sona, there's this scientific saying that the minute you expose any particle to light, the minute you observe any particle or atom, you change it. Just by observing it, you change it. There's one exception to that.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Sona Mocessian Sona Mocessian the time a guest didn't show up it was Kumail and Sona just we told her at the last second you're gonna be the guest and we slapped some makeup on her this is on the old TBS show and she came walking out like she owned the place and proceeded to be an amazing guest and then when the show was over no no ego her head wasn't swollen she wasn't like oh my god I gotta call all my friends and tell them I'm on TV tonight she's like alright I'm gonna go to get some In-N-Out and
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
See you guys later. You're just, I don't know who you are.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
But you didn't. Look, I mean, I knew you'd be great, which I mentioned in your intro. I know. Thank you.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
You were great. And I will say this at the risk of being a human being. I love you both for being there. And just that night, the night before was so important because I realized, oh, I'm just laughing. And occasionally there's a kind word. I'll avoid that and I'll avoid eye contact. But mostly people were just being themselves and being really funny. And I just found myself laughing really hard.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And it meant a lot to me. My brother Luke and Justin were there.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
It was really nice.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
And we looked it up. Prize is six notches down from award. Right, exactly. Yeah. It comes in a Cracker Jacks box. But, no, the Mark Twain Prize, which they've been giving out for, I think, 28 years or something like that.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I'm like, fuck. No. And he did a really funny thing, which was he was acknowledged at one, I think you acknowledged him or someone said, oh, my God, and David Letterman's here. And Dave, everyone else just kind of waved from their seat. He stood like King Louis XIV. Yeah.
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and was acknowledged the crowd and turned and then turned to acknowledge more crowd and then did more uh sort of regal turns and it was so funny that the applause continued and he refused to sit down for the longest time and i was like i gotta love that move that's a really funny move and everyone was just that night was very special put me uh
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
in a good mood and made me feel like, hey, maybe tomorrow will be okay. And then the next- Can I just add real quick on that night before you- Oh, and the fact that you were there didn't bother me at all. One way or the other.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
I will say, I think just from some background, there was some... Obviously, for the last couple of months with the new administration, there's been some controversial stuff going on with the Kennedy Center. And there was a question of, should I go? Should I not go? And I felt like it was important to show up because, first of all, we were brought in under the old regime. And.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
and the people who brought me in are no longer there, but I thought we should honor their decision. And we went and it was, Really lovely because so many of the young people that have been working at the Kennedy Center for years were delighted that we came. They don't know what their future is. I got to talk to a lot of them and they're really they're going through a lot right now.
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And I had a great deal of empathy for what's happening there. And I felt something about the situation changed. added to the evening somehow it made it it really made it feel like this is um and without being pompous without just it just felt like this is not a normal event something and and we all need to be on our toes and and and kind of be uh funny but also uh
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Sure. That's so far not helpful at all, Sweeney. I'm joined by people who were there and participated. That would be Mike Sweeney and Sona Movsesian. Yeah. And I'll start by just saying that it was a huge honor. I mean that. I'm not someone who usually gets worked up about awards and such, but the caliber of people that showed up for this event. Me and Sona. Yeah, well, but it's still,
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bring some optimism maybe, bring some, I don't know.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
When I saw when I saw Mulaney.
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Mulaney was so funny that I left. Because I'm supposed to close the evening. Mulaney was so funny. We're just giving this award to Mulaney. I ran and I was halfway into an Uber when Sweeney tackled me and dragged me back. Back there, man. I was like, I can't follow that. That's Sean Mulaney. He was, but then, I mean. Everyone was great. I mean, the list of people, Will Ferrell.
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And I mean, I don't know if we're supposed to be talking about who it is or if it's a celebrity. Yeah, I mean, Will Ferrell, just Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Sarah Silverman. Nikki Glaser. Nikki Glaser. Reggie Watts. Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God. And you know what's so funny is Bill Burr understands because we grew up in nearby towns and we're made of the same stuff. And Bill Burr just drilled into me like, I'm going to say a couple of nice things about Conan and he'll never look me in the eye again. He's like, no, no. You're going to sit. And I was just like, this is a guy who knows how horrifying this is.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
But Andy Richter was there.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Stephen Colbert was amazing. And Stephen Colbert came out and did it. And I don't want to give away too much.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, fuck you.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Fuck you and your pictures. It's out there.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
He did a Hot Ones thing with Sean Evans that is absolutely fantastic. And I was, you know, I mean, I have such respect and admiration and awe for everybody who showed up. And, you know, there's that part of you that feels like, oh, no, people have to fly here. That's making me uncomfortable. Oh, that would make me. You know what I mean? Yes, like you're an imposition.
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Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
Yeah, it's an imposition and oh shit. And then everybody was so funny that I, that all melted away. And there was, it was a happening and it was also really nice to talk to all of the people. I say young people. They're all different ages, but to me now, everyone's young. Yeah. who have worked so hard for so many years for the Kennedy Center and just really want to give their lives to the arts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
No, no, there's a lot of uncertainty. And we've heard that a person or two that I spoke to that night have lost their jobs since. And this just happened. Yeah. And so it's a... You can feel sometimes shallow when you're trying to give encouragement to people who are in that situation. But I did want it to be a positive experience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
With... A period of unemployment and what it felt like. Right. And I know that parts of what I said, I'm anxious for it to come out on, I guess it comes out on Netflix.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps The Mark Twain Prize Ceremony With Mike Sweeney
May 4th, I think. Oh, May 4th. Yeah. Okay. What did you think? I thought it was April 4th. No, no, they looked at the tape and everything was great, but this shit you did. No, I was just sitting in the audience. No, I know, but even you in the audience. And they're doing a lot of CGI and stuff. Oh, no. I saw the camera near me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I mean, this is this is. Micah, can I can I tell you what's happened from my perspective, Micah? Micah, let me tell you what's happened from my perspective.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I think I've been lured into a trap by a very beautiful woman. This is how it feels like to me that there's this extraordinarily beautiful professional model named Micah who's charming and lovely and she's a fan of mine. And she's talking to me and the whole time she's leading me down an alley. And when we get to the end of the alley, she tells me, my boyfriend loathes you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
It's like a honey trap for your humility? My friends have never heard of you. And everyone I know finds you disgusting and loathsome. You're like the creature. Now you're putting words in my mouth. You're like the creature at the end of the substance. That's true. And you tricked me. You tricked me. You said, la, la, la. You asked me this question.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Let's get on this Amsterdam bicycle built for two and take a nice ride. Oh, no. What's happening? Oh, no. Poor Conan. Let's throw you in the canal. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, you're, I love talking. No, you did. You did. No, no, I did not. I did not. Yeah, you did. I did not, Micah. I know your feelings better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
You, I can take it. I can take it. I'm not for everyone. I understand that. And I've, I do, you know, I paint what I see. I am who I am, as Popeye said, a great Nordic figure. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, yeah. No one judges anyone on that job. It's going to be all of Amsterdam saying, sucked.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Hey, listen, I'm not Joe Oscar either. You know, take it easy. I don't work for the Academy. You know, it's a job. I'm getting 200 bucks. I'll do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Micah, I do think, how would I win over Robert? I know this is insane because I've won you over and that should be enough for me because again, you're extraordinary. There's a light coming off of you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
You're a Renaissance painting, yet still I'm obsessive compulsive about now Robert is going to be the one I wake up thinking about and his disapproving face glaring at me three inches below my own face.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
And everywhere else in the world. Yes. They're called trees. Please. Ours are very specific. Please, I've never been more on my game. And I can't believe you'd interrupt this incredible roll.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Somehow it doesn't... It doesn't help? It doesn't help? Yeah, I'm taller than Brad Pitt. That doesn't help, you know? Oh, yeah. Stronger than him, too. I fought him twice. I won once. No, you're not stronger than him. What's that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I am stronger than Brad Pitt. No, you're not. If I fought Brad Pitt, I would win.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, he would call a bunch of people. Get in here, security, help me. That's how he talks too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, my hands become like hoses. They're like whips. They whip. It's a whipping motion. You got me off track, Micah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
It's a slapping. I'm a slap fighter. I slap, I pinch, and I bite. I get on the floor, get my back on the floor so that I'm protected, and I kick, and I bite, and I scratch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, I don't do that. That would hurt my back. Micah, you and I have a strange chemistry, and yet I've never been more in love. And I say that knowing I've been happily married now for quite a long time. But that marriage is over. I think it's you and I now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, I'm really scared of Robert. Oh boy, Robert. Oh, Robert doesn't like, I mean, listen, I'll handle Robert. Don't you worry about that. But I think it's you and I now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I'm going to overwhelm him with my high energy comedy. I'm going to be so energetic and he's going to be so put off by it that he's going to run away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
My comedy would drive Robert away from your relationship. That's how bad my comedy is. This is incredible. This is a massacre.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
But she did. Micah, you didn't need to mention that. I'm just a sort of gal. You know, oh, and Conan, one other thing. I went to an orphanage where the children don't have parents. And I said, does anyone want a parent? And they all said, yes, please. And then I said, it will be Conan O'Brien. And they said, no, we live our lives alone with no money and food. Did you know that, Conan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I'm considered a god in Finland. Did you know that? Finland. The Finns love me. Yeah, that's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Wow. Micah, you're a lot of fun. You really are. All joking aside, you are a lot of fun and very funny.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah. Well, dark and fun times? I'm glad I was there to help you through fun times. I'm having so much fun. I don't know how I'm going to make it. Conan will balance things out. Let me listen to something that will bring me down a little. I need a downer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I know. I know. Unless it's complicated because I know you have feelings for me. Oh,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I can tell it's probably the only reason you reached out Robert if he exists I don't think he does I think that's made up I mean there couldn't be a guy who doesn't like Conan it's not possible well our lines are lighting up shouldn't you do like a spin off like Conan O'Brien needs or is looking for a whatever like a hater I don't know Oh, a hater. I mean, instead of a fan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, that's what this... I think that's your purpose. You called in as a fan to quickly reveal... Yes, sir.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
To quickly reveal your most important relationships with a hater. And then to talk mostly about him. Not a hater. Please. Yes, we did. Well, I... Well... Where is he now, this Robert? Is he there? He's upstairs. Yeah, I bet. I just want to see him. No, I don't want to see him. What if he's so buff? I know, and handsome. Yeah. He's really handsome, isn't he? I bet he's really handsome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
You Dutch and your paper books. Go Kindle or get out, I say. Micah, let me ask you a little bit about yourself. You seem like a lovely person, full of energy, very young. Tell me what you do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, now you're taking him down a peg. I love this. Wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah, I did. Does he have the ability to make stone tools? Is he envious of your use of fire to cook me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I didn't see this part of the conversation coming at all. This really took a turn. Yeah. There's no way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah. So he's part Neanderthal. Well, good luck with that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
He's constantly pulling your apartment apart so he can burn it to cook mastodon. Micah, I want us to be friends because I really- We are, I mean- First of all, we're height compatible. I think both of us, I am, you know, you are a supermodel in your world. I think as men go, I'm considered quite, fill that in later. And then just whatever, use AI. Delusional. Delusional.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
But, but Micah, it's been really nice talking to you. And if our paths cross someday, I know we're going to get to the bottom of this very strange relationship we have. And it is a relationship. It's a three-way relationship now. It's you, it's Robert, and it's myself. And this has to be resolved somehow. I don't, you know, we have to figure this out. Yeah. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, my God. Well, that makes perfect sense. You are extraordinarily beautiful. So you really are. She's gorgeous.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I've heard this come on before. I've had other people offer to buy a houseboat with me in Amsterdam and I was tricked. And I know you're secretly talking to Flea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yes. Well, Micah, do you have a question for me before we go? Because, uh, sometimes I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay. Yeah. We've gone on too long. I think. Okay. Um, I can't, and it probably, I can't take any more punishment. The question is probably something like, you know, does your face hurt? Cause it's killing me. Okay. Micah, I really like talking to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
You're very funny and you're very cool. And I'm I'm rooting for you. And guess what? For Robert, I think he probably has very good taste in comedy. He's a wise man. So listen to him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, no, no, no. And how long have you been a high fashion model for? Is this a thing that you began doing very young?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, they don't do that? They make sure that people start a little later on?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I think that's probably good. Well, I will pay you an obvious compliment that just on Zoom, you're, I mean, stunning. And I don't see why Micah could not model for another 60 years. You really do. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah. The day you hit 90, though, you have to stop. Yeah, at 90, you stop and you put... That's the cutoff. Or you go down the runway with a walker.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I would say paint over that natural wood. No. Yeah. No, it's just time to change it up a little bit when you hit 90. Just a nice thick coat of pink. Micah... Fashion model. Have you modeled all around the world? Have you traveled a lot? Have you traveled to the great cities to model?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, Micah, I take the world's people very seriously. I like to understand all cultures. I think she was talking to me. No, she's talking to me. Micah, I'm going to start fresh because it's a muddled beginning and we can edit this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Okay. All around. Are you tall? Many models have to be a certain height. How tall are you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, my Lord. I'm 6'4", but if I've got gel in the hair, I'm 6'7", 6'8". But, yes. Yes, I am six feet, four inches tall. Nice. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, listen, Micah, I could use your advice. Do you think I have what it takes... to be, I know that I'm a little long in the tooth, I'm an older gentleman, but do you think I could be a model? Do you think I have what it takes?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Which one, me or Tilda Swinton? Think about it. Think about how long you want this interview to go on for.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Very nice, Micah. Micah, you should become a diplomat. You should work for the United Nations. It was very well done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I'm very long in the leg. I think that's helpful when you're a model. My legs are very, very long. Beautiful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, I'm able to. It's hard for me to get them off the rack. They have to be quite long. Very long. I'm just going to say sensual. No, no. Did I say that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Meaning my legs have senses and they enjoy food. They're sensuous. Your legs eat? Yes. That's even more disgusting. Little mouths on them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yes, with my feet, and then I feed my legs. Micah, you know what? I'm going to blame you. You're very beautiful, and you're very funny, but you came on and you destroyed this podcast. It's your fault. I think you did this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Micah, how are you? I'm good. How are you guys doing? We're doing great. And you are coming to us, I'm told, from Amsterdam.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Thank you very much. You're welcome. Micah, I have to ask you a question because it's something that I'm naturally curious about. You are a very stunning person. And what's it like when you're walking around? I'm just imagining that guys would bother you all the time. And that would be annoying. No, they don't. They don't?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I think it's, I mean, you're six feet tall and you look like a supermodel. And I think it would be very, it's a very confident man, I would think, that would walk up to Micah and say, hi, would you want to go get a burrito sometime?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
His legs gotta eat. A tall food. Yeah, a man's legs gotta eat, Sona. A man's legs gotta eat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Really? Okay. I think it's intimidation. I think they would think there's no way that Mike is... I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Are you a native of Amsterdam? Is that where you're from?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yes. Yes. I think... Look, I'm going to... I'm not insulting you. For people that are listening, you can always go look this up. But my natural face in the world is this. It's that one. It's that one that's turned away from you? No, it's this one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Thanks a lot. Hi. Thank you. Here we go. No, no. I was actually thanking you. Here we go. Yes. Can you see it? Do I need to get closer? I don't know if this thing zooms or not. Here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Oh, thanks a lot, Micah. What happens is my natural face and what happened when I lived in New York and I was doing the show is I'm always smiling on television. Dorman would see me and I was just neutral. My face was neutral, but this is my neutral face. And people were constantly saying, what's wrong, Conan? Why, you know, cheer up? And I was fine. I wasn't sad. I was just neutral. She's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I'm not good at picking out various accents, so I wouldn't be able to listen to you and say, oh, that's an Amsterdamian accent.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, okay. That's what happened. Micah, that's just gravity. Now, you are a genetically— You were talking about before. You are a 30-year-old supermodel with a beautiful face, and you're talking to a man who is into his 90s. And gravity is tearing at my face, tearing at it, shredding it. And so that's what's happening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Look at this guy. Do you like this guy better? Oh, no. Oh, God, I can't win. My confidence is destroyed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Hi, Micah. I love it. How are you? Nice to see you. My name's Conan, and I'd like to buy you a burrito.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, Micah, I have to ask because my interest is piqued now. Are you in a relationship? Are you married? Is there someone in your life? Let's discuss.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Did you, is Robert also from Amsterdam or did you meet him someplace?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
But I do. I was in Amsterdam many years ago shooting a project, and it was one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. The architecture, the people. I was just stunned.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, he's, yeah, he's got an inch on you. That's fine. That's a 6'1". Yeah. And also, many women are happy with shorter men. Many men are happy with taller women. It takes all kinds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah. It's true. Yeah. My dream, and my wife knows this, is to be with a woman who's like three feet taller than me. Having trouble finding one. Yeah. Yeah. And then she carries me wherever we go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah, they were reaching for the same schlerpy cup. Schlerpy? I said schlerpy. Yeah. I like to put a little shh in there. And that's my business. All right. You know, stop. You guys are like a jury constantly stopping me from. We learned it from you, Dad. Micah, you guys. So Robert sounds like a nice guy. Is he nice to you? That's the important thing. Good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I wish I was in a relationship with Robert. I know. He sounds pretty good. Yeah. And he's tall. He's pretty good. Yeah. Do you think the three of us would get along if we hung out? Because I intend to, you know, hang out with you guys at some point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
I think she sounds weird to you, but it's Europe, so I know things can get weird.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
He hasn't or he refuses to listen? No. You can be honest now. It's okay. This is a safe space. Are you sure? Well, no, I'm not. And it's not really a safe space. I'll take the risk. Yeah, take the risk.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
He won't. He won't. He won't. He's defiantly saying I will not listen to that podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
It's okay. It's quite clear. You know what? Micah, I'm a mature adult and I can handle that someone is not a fan of mine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
No, I do not. I like this guy, Robert. He clearly has excellent taste in choosing you. And so I... respect his opinion and I deduce that he is not a fan of my kind of comedy. Is that, is that the case? You can just say yes or no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
What makes you think I don't like bad weather? I like rainy weather. I like foggy weather.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Well, I didn't realize you guys had the American Constitution.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
You're in Amsterdam. Keep your fucking hands off our Constitution. We barely can keep it under control here in America. And suddenly, oh, I know what the problem is. You guys have it. I know why our system's breaking down. Our Constitution's in Amsterdam. Micah, he's not a fan. Just say it. It's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Nice? I sincerely think... I mean, I am nice, but I consider myself a great comedic talent.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Okay. So what are we left with? What is it? I'm going to, I shouldn't, but I'm going to dig deeper. What is it about my comedy that Robert does not enjoy? You can just say.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Maybe give me a multiple choice answer. No, no. I'd like to get to the truth. I really would like to get to the truth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Upset with bad weather? Oh, yes. My hair absorbs moisture and then it gets even bigger. Okay. So enough about me, Micah. Yes. It's very nice talking to you. And I'm looking at your, right now, your beautiful Amsterdam home. Everything is very orderly and gorgeous. There's the natural woods, which one does find. Yes. In the northern realms of Europe. Micah, tell us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
He likes probably more of like a quiet... He likes more naughty.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
But I think what he's saying is he thinks that maybe I'm too hyper at times. My energy is too much. Maybe a neediness comes across. And he probably likes a quieter kind of Jacques Tati kind of comedy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Long In The Leg
Yeah, he likes something like this, which is quieter and more relaxed and much less funny. Funny. This is what Robert likes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And that's where you're going to see me up close and fall in love. Oh, my God. Sweet. All right, well, Dan, thank you so much. I salute you. And I love, I mean, you're an artist. You really are. You are a terrific artist. And even though we are not related, you're a young lad, so I'm allowed to say I'm proud of you. I really am.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I'm glad when I see, I really do get energized when I meet all these young people that can kick ass and do all these amazing things. You're a craftsman. You're out there killing it. So thank you so much and best of luck with your company, Apex. Yeah, Apix Design, yeah. Apix. A-P-I-X. It's right here. Cheers, Dan. Oh, there it is. I was distracted by my own face. Thank you guys so much. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
You will. You will. All right, take care, Dan. All right, thank you guys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah, I was going to say glassblowing feels incredibly difficult. I mean, any just the little I know about it. Right. You have to you got to heat up the material. Right. Get it molten. And then you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And is that is that an accurate representation of glassblowing? The TV show Blown Away?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I think I have more respect for you, because I think anybody can do it with a big furnace. Oh! I do. I think anybody could do it. Oh, big furnace. Yawn. Oh, look, I have a big furnace and I accidentally made 900 glasses today. But you're using a torch and that takes real skill. I think that takes a real artist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And I know I'm probably throwing shade on a huge part of the glassmaking community, but fuck those guys. Yeah. I'm with you, man. I'm with you, Dan. And I say it's torch or nothing. And I'm going to start saying that to people who say they're a glassblower. I'm going to say furnace or torch. And if they say furnace, I'm out. I'm just going to walk away. And then I'm going to smash all the glass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Or foe. Hey, Dan, how are you? I'm doing great. Thank you guys for having me on. Where are you coming to us from, Dan? Where are you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah, yeah. And I'm going to drive by later and throw stones through their window.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And peel out. Really took a turn. I'm sorry. If you use a furnace out there and you make glass, you know where to find me. I'm not afraid of you with your furnace. Dan, I don't know what happened right there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
A neurologist would say it's a brain bleed, possibly. I don't know. I'm getting faint. But this is cool. What's the name of your company?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Okay. And is it easy for people to find you if they want some of your custom-made torch-hewn bongs?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
When someone buys a bong, how long does that bong last and do they then come back for more bongs? Does a person buy multiple bongs in a year? How does it all work? What's a bong life? Such a square. Well, I'm sorry. I want to know more of this bong culture. I took an aspirin once in 1992 and I was taken to the hospital. So I don't know a lot about bongs, but I've seen them portrayed in film.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Do you have some bongs there you could show us? I just want to see some of these bongs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Let me see. Oh my God. Oh my God. This thing is... I didn't know about this. Look at this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Sir, I'm not... All joking aside, you are an artist. Truly. That is gorgeous. Look, he's done... I mean, yes, you've got the Conan logo. You've got, oh my God, he's got the late night moon.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Very nice. And I'm looking at your background. It looks like you're working on a nuclear submarine. I mean, there's all kinds of machinery behind you. It's very cool looking. What are you building? I mean, it looks like you're up to something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
It's for when the cast of Challengers wants to use a bong together. This is beautiful. I mean, look at the... The design is gorgeous. And then it's got this... This stopper has kind of a pompadour. It's a bull.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
This isn't the stopper. This is the cap. That's where you put the weed. You put the weed in there. No, I know the weed goes in here, he said, lying. No, the weed... The weed goes into the thing you're holding.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I know. So what you do is you, and then when it's heated up, you drink. No! Oh, God. Do you remember when we had we had Seth Rogen on the last Conan O'Brien episode and he on camera offered me one of his marijuana cigarettes? And do you remember this? I do. I put the wrong end in my mouth and people thought, oh, Conan's doing like a bit. I wasn't doing a bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I've got to start doing a lot of drugs quickly and catch up. There's so much going on here. It's beautiful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
There's no butt plug on it. Can I just say, this is a Rorschach blot you've given us. No kidding. Everyone sees what they wanna see.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
This thing, Bley, you have to take multiple. We will, yes. Detailed photographs of this that capture... We shall. Dan, you are... You're an artist. This thing is... And all... I mean, this is just a work of sculpture.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
It's a pompadour. Yeah, who knows? It's a three-way glass bong. So, again,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
You know what? Our faces are going to have to get this close. I know. For the next summer s'mores. No, no. Guess what? We'll do it. Really? We'll do it. Yeah, I'll get over myself. Sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
It also looks like it would make great coffee. And you know what? I think it would make great coffee because I see where the little creamer would go in. This is incredible. It is absolutely. It makes me want to relive some old days. Yeah. Flashback to last week. Last week in Pasadena. I was talking about the gerbil. The gerbil filed papers, by the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
So, Dan, my favorite thing is when we meet fans that are so creative. We have a lot of creative fans. And, man, you have just rocketed way to the top.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
These are beautiful. And what kind of glass? Is this glass? Is it a type of glass? Tell us what this is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Okay, what kind of stuff do you create out of glass primarily? Are we talking like a vase? Are we talking like a test tube? Are we talking glasses? What are you making?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
This is, well, I'm just, I just almost said it and then realized people think I'm trying to make a lame joke, but I am blown away. I really, I wasn't trying to make a joke. I just started to say it. You should watch it first because the way they finish it is in cyanide powder.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I can't believe you put this in the mail because the guy who delivers my boxes shucks them over the fence.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
You know? I'm amazed this made it in one piece. It's incredible. It's so beautiful. I'm using my glasses right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Did you have any question for me, Dan? Other than, I mean, look at this. I think it should be a requirement now. I was just going to say, more fans. More fans that send wonderful gifts. And I mean, they don't even have to have made it, but like, oh, I went to a store and I bought you this Patek Philippe watch. And I'm like, hmm, yes. Add it to the pile.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
It's beautiful. It's really sweet. It is. And also, Sona's been through a really rough time lately. And that's just, it's nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Mom's going to be happy tonight. It's all fixed. Why is mommy asleep? It's four in the afternoon. Quiet, Charlie. Quiet, Mikey.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
On a loop. Wow, Dan, I cannot thank you enough. This is absolutely beautiful. Really, really great. And we're going to find a hallowed space for this because we have little spaces here that are becoming installations. Like this is our Pee Wee's Playhouse and this is going to have a prominent space here. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yes. You make bongs. So, and was that... Did you start making bongs because of your personal affinity for bongs, or you just like making them, or you like the shape? What drew you to making bongs?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I immediately pull rank. I say, do you realize who I am and what I've accomplished? Then I start to show her, like, a montage of things I've worked on over the years. No, uh... A big thing for my wife, Liza, is she's a very good cook, and she does the cooking, and I'm not good at cooking. She really wants me to set the table, and that's important to her that I set the table.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And sometimes I kind of set the table, but she'll make a passive-aggressive comment like, usually people use napkins. And then I'll go, oh, right. And then I'll go and get the, you know, go to the napkin drawer and get those. And, you know, did you put trivets down? Because I got to put something. This is hot. Okay. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Because sometimes I try to go real minimal, like setting the table means just there's two or three or four of my kids around plates. But it's important for her that I do that. And then a big knock on me is that I've gotten much better at loading the dishwasher. I've gotten much better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
But I think for a long time, and this goes back to childhood, I had this, I just, it was a problem for me loading the dishwasher.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah. When I do it, it's doing it in general. And then when I do it, it's awful. Like I'll try and jam a large plate into the silverware tray. And my wife usually ends up redoing it. And so there was twice as many calories burned. So pity this woman, because it's like asking an ape to help you with brain surgery.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And then I just go rushing around the operating room, smashing into things. So yeah, I would say it all, most of my chores revolve around dinner, ways that I can help compliment and facilitate the serving of dinner. And so that's a little peek into my life. And yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah, we had a butler once. Blay, how did you like it? Still waiting for payment. Yeah, yeah. No, no butler. Not yet. That's one of those things from just old movies that I have to say it always fascinated me. It was an idea that if someone had means, they would have a butler. Even if it was just a bachelor, there would be like a gentleman. Oh, yeah, a gentleman there who, this is my man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
You know, his name's Gordon. He'll take care of everything. And he's in the corner usually polishing a glass behind like a little cool minibar. No. Also, a valet. I always thought, wow. You know, someone who you wake up in the morning and your clothes are all laid out and then you have to go. We travel so much for the travel shows. I'm always running around cramming things into bags and going...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Where's my extra special sunblock? And it was made by the government. Anyway, that's what I do. I would say it's a fascination. No, no butler and still no valet. But one day it'll all come my way. But now I've got the world's only triple bong with my name on it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, it would have to be asked. No, that's coming on the way out. You interview them on the way in, and that way the interviews have to be short because they really can't hang out long.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah, we had we had years and years ago we did a sketch and it's all a misunderstanding, but it was a perfectly fine sketch. But one of our writers went there but didn't fill out the correct paperwork or something. So we ended up on some list. But I think it's all being taken care of. So, you know, awesome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, I have to. And it's talk show etiquette. I guess you have to. You have to. Yeah, you have to shake their hands. And often I just want to say in all the years that I did talk shows, which was almost 30 years, often I could tell they had just used the restroom and not wipe their hands. True story. True story. Al Roker, serial offender. Disgusting, disgusting man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You'd hear the flush and he'd come out just as he was introduced. And you could tell those hands haven't been washed. They're dry. Roker, not Roker. Like I said, great idea for the show. I love it that I'm pitching myself to Nikhil in Bangalore, India, and he's not enthused.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
And also surreal. It's a little bit of a fever dream, it feels like almost, yes. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I'm intrigued by, there's a lot of things that impressed me with Nikhil. I think that you are a, I think he's, you just seem like a natural to me. You're very funny. And I think you'd be, I think you are a terrific talk show host. I can tell just by chatting with you. Thank you. I'm intrigued by this idea you have for a new talk show in Bangalore.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I'm a little intrigued by this roommate who's a fan. You say a big fan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We all thought it. Nikhil, in a house with all these guys, the one who's a big Conan fan is called Anus.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah, we wouldn't even probably mention that, you know, it probably won't even come up because it'll all get taken care of. Trust me, I don't think it's a big problem.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Your biggest fan is named Anus and your portrait is hanging between two bathrooms.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
This is fantastic, Nikhil. I feel enlightened. I feel lifted. Well, I like you. You're a fine fellow, I think. And I do think you've got what it takes. I really do. I think you're a natural. Do you think that I'd be able to help you get your concept for a talk show where you go to people's houses? Do you think I could help you get that off the ground if I came to Bangalore?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
It's totally normal in this business to invite people to do an interview in their bedroom. Yeah. Oh, that's how I got started.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Oh, well, yes, I could be a guest. I could also maybe give you some pointers from my almost 30 years of experience. And what about my fee? Do we talk about that now or is that something that comes up later?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Just very late. You're going to do very well, Nikhil. You're going to do very, very well in this business. Thank you. Hey, Nikhil, I really, I like talking to you and I hope we get to cross paths because that would be very cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I really do think we're talking about, I think it's low blood sugar. I really do. You just seem to lose all energy at different points, Nikhil. You have to keep some almonds in your pocket, okay? Chocolate-covered almonds. All right, I'm going to make sure. That's my first tip as a talk show host. Almonds in your pocket. That saved Colbert. I told him that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I can see him lose energy, and he's been a superstar ever since. Perfect. Saved his career. Hey, thank you so much, Nikhil. Very cool to talk to you, and we'll see what happens. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Take care. Bye-bye.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, wait a minute, Nikhil. Nikhil, you are a talk show host. It sounds like you're a very successful one. You've done this show with Netflix stars. Now, here's the catch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, I like to say I won an Oscar because it sounds cool. But I didn't. But Nikhil, I would say you are talking to people. You seem to be having success at it. I wouldn't put yourself down, I think. And you seem like a very personable, funny guy. I think you just, you don't have to qualify it. You are a talk show host. You're having success.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We've been in your ears for years. Very nice. Yeah, I didn't want to start like that, but it's happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Oh, terrific. Terrific comedian. Very talented. And we'll see. No, this is us talking shop because... We've interviewed the same person and it sounds like, and this is something that you're interested in doing professionally for the rest of your life, do you think? Well, not the rest of your life. I'm not going to do it for my entire life, but I still have dreams, dreams, dreams.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, thank you for that. I would like to be a balloonist. I'd like to go up in a hot air balloon and travel the world.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, I tried that and it didn't work. The kids were like, that is not a dog. I was like, shut up. You can't hit kids with a balloon, apparently. Still counts as hitting. You sound very qualified for this job. So let's keep the conversation on you and not on my crimes. You live in Bangalore, India, Nikhil, and you've had some success doing a talk show. And what's your living situation like?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
And your name is Nikhil, is that correct? It's pronounced Nikhil. Nikhil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Do you live with your parents? Do you live alone? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
So as you get further down the apartment, you start at the top. The more respectable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
As you get down this sort of, yes, the more serious the relationships become. And are your roommates, you all get along?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Let's try Nikhin. I love correcting people on the pronunciation of their name. It cracks me up. No, Nikhil. Nikhil. Conan. Conan. I deserve that. You are in Bangalore, India. Is that correct? Yes. Yes, sir. I have been to India. I was there briefly for work a number of years ago. Actually, Sona came with me on this assignment and I was in Jaipur.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You can't talk that way. You can't call someone a rascal. His reputation may never recover if this was 200 years ago. No, you can call someone a rascal. That basically just means they're kind of fun. Amazing. Next, I'm going to call him a nincompoop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We're going to have to put a warning on this podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah. I mean, if you're a child and you're living in 1820, you might not want to listen to this podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We'll call him. Yeah. So, okay. And will any of your roommates be familiar with me or my work if I visit? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
He's asleep right now. He's a big fan of mine. And you're in Bangalore, India, and you and I are having a conversation. And he sleeps not knowing that the greatest hero of his life is speaking to you on the top floor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
How would he react if I walked into his room? Does he know? So he doesn't know that you and I are talking. If I if I were to walk into his room, how do you think he would react?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
This guy, I like this guy. He's a big Conan fan. And I would love to, it'd be fun to surprise him. I think, you know, I think, and then we could all, we could all go out and have a good time. What would we do for fun?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You know what I love? Nikhil just got as annoyed with you as we do. He doesn't... He just met you. He's in Bangalore. And he went... Right. Yeah, right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
But I've never I would love I didn't really get a chance to experience experience India as much as I wanted to. It's a fascinating country. I love the people. And I would love to go and visit. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Nikhil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Wow, I love a bar with a restroom. Selling point. That just went to the top of my Yelp review. They have a restroom. 11 stars. Okay, so this bar, please tell me more. This bar, Toit, has a restroom, yes?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, it's Toi. Please. Here it's Toi. Sona has decreed that it is Toi. Anyway, Toi.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
With images of me. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Wait, why is that? That is a giant. Wait a minute. Why does it say restrooms and then a photo of me? With a barn owl for some reason.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, that was when we were launching the TBS show a number of years ago. I guess I'm flattered that if you go to Bangalore and you go to Toit. And you go to use the restroom. Is it for the men's room or the women's room? Or both? What would you prefer? You know, I'm gender fluid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, I've learned that everyone goes to the restroom, especially at a bar.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
It's the perfect place. It's the most trafficked area. So I often, if a place has a photo of me, and sometimes they do, you know, sort of downscale, you know, burger joints where I've gone and I've made them put up a picture of me. I ask people. I asked them to put me near the restaurant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
That's how we, those are, that's how we live. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry that Matt just used those offensive terms. Yeah, I've done. You, of course, you started with rascals. I thought I was bad. Yeah. He's a pirate. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
People associate me with great bladder discomfort. Yeah. That's, no, okay, well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yes. Maybe. Okay. Maybe. I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued, A, that you have a roommate who's a big fan, B, that there's a portrait of me. I mean, there's a lot that recommends Bangalore. Yeah. I have one fan and there's a picture of me near a restroom. And what about your career? Are you enjoying your work as a talk show host? Are you enjoying it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I kind of like that idea. I mean, the problem is every now and then you'll get, you know, people who aren't murdered. No, you won't get murdered. But yeah, but it's like when you do a talk show, there are good nights. There are nights that aren't as good. It's, you know, it's luck of the draw if you're in a volume business. But I like that idea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I have to wait for my ban in a lot of countries to end.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Um, and, uh, and who knows, maybe you and I would come up with some kind of show together, you know, we could do a show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
And it happens. But it's always possible. Maybe we could think of an idea, you know, something that works where we're co-hosts of some kind of show. You know, we shoot an episode and we get it on the air and we get it out there to the people of India. What do you think of that? I think that's a pretty bad idea. I'm just kidding. That's the best idea I've heard in my goddamn life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You really had me convinced it was a bad idea there for a second. No, that would be an honor. Yeah. So we can always think of what that is. We need that right, that spark of inspiration.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You could shoot it from Toit. Hell, we could shoot an episode of the show. I think you've stumbled onto something here, Matt. I have. Yes, by saying Toit, you made it clear that we shoot the episode. We set up in front of the portrait of me that exists. The bathrooms. The bathrooms. between the two, the ladies' room and the men's room. We can interview people going in and out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah, we can interview people going in and out going to the bathroom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Yeah, next you're going to say, you know, Eggo waffles aren't real waffles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
I'm reading this thing. There's this is dark, robust maple syrup for Sona. Since she is traditional and sweet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
I know. You're supposed to taste ahead of time. I can't help it. It's really good. You should just take a little.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
Teacher, you forgot to give us homework assignment. There he is. Hey, you're back. You're back. I'm back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
You're a monster. I'm so happy. You're not even drinking all of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan's Own
It's kind of accurate because you on your own, you're a lot. But with me and Gorley, I see what's happening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
And of course, and I hate to bring it up, but, you know, most soldiers did die of disease back then. So, you know, what is that? What's your point? My point is that, Cooper, you'd get real sick real fast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Yeah, Gettysburg will get you. I've visited many battlefields, and my wife drew the line when we were in Georgia, and I tried to make her come see Andersonville, which is the famous...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Probably, yeah. And me, I wouldn't because I'd be far from the battlefield. Eating wholesome, just a lot of apples. You'd be at some hot springs. Convalescing. I find a five-star resort that's adjacent to the battle, and I've got... Binoculars? No, no, no. What do they put on their eyes in spas? What do they put? Cucumbers? I've got cucumbers on my eyes. Stop bringing up potatoes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Anyway, well, I wish you well. Cooper, you seem like a good guy. I really do. I think you're a good guy. And I think you haven't said it yet, but I can tell you really admire me and think I'm a great man. And I'm just going to fill that in. And you can just keep nodding with about as little enthusiasm as I've ever seen. I admire you so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
I'll do it for you. We'll reach out to you. We'll contact you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Oh, good. Well, you probably don't want to have like, I don't want a funny blurb on the back of a... From a white, the whitest guy ever. Yeah, exactly. I'm the whitest guy in the world. Did you see Conan's comedy blurb on the back of this book on slavery? That seemed inappropriate. I think you're trying to destroy my career, Cooper. I'll wait till the next book after that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
But I do wish you all the best. I think teachers are doing God's work. I really do. And so bless you, sir. And I hope we meet in person one day on a fake battlefield.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
If you ever want to tour Gettysburg. Okay. All right. We'll figure it out. All right. Take care. Thanks a lot. Bye.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
confederate prison where they kept a lot of uh northern prisoners and they all died of dysentery and my wife was like wait where are we driving to now and i said we're off to andersonville and she said what happened there thousands of people died of diarrhea and she said nope not on our honeymoon not on our honeymoon So I haven't been there. I blame her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
But Gettysburg, that is it's incredible to walk that area. It was such a pivotal battle and to walk that area and kind of you can see the topography still the same. So you can kind of get a feel for why things played out the way they did.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Hey, Cooper. How are you? Good. How are you? Okay, I'm going to ask you to pretend to be excited to see me. Because right now, you just look like you're in the eight items or less aisle. Okay. And you're just, I mean, I want you to just manufacture, right? Just to manufacture a little like, wow. Just be excited.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Yeah, you tell them here's where Taylor Swift reloaded her musket. Yeah. I would just lie to the students. I would just plug in all kinds of the latest pop stars and reality stars just to get them interested. Yeah. Here's where the real housewives of New Jersey let it charge. Cooper, you're allowed to lie if it keeps them interested.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Can I ask you a question? One of my favorite books, like one of my desert island books, if I was allowed like five books on a desert island, one of them would be Killer Angels by Michael Schara, which I think is one of the most beautiful, it's a novel. but it's historically accurate to the Battle of Gettysburg, and it takes place over three days, and all the main players are in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
And I've read that book maybe seven, eight, nine times. Wow. And I just find it haunting and beautiful. Killer Angels, Michael Shira, you don't even have to be a Civil War buff to find that a powerful book, I think. Do you agree with me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Oh, okay, so you're so smart. You read it when you were, you're like, yes, I read that when I was two. You read it just before everybody poops. With dysentery. Yeah, exactly. You got to bring it back. OK, well, so I like you. We have similar interests. I think this date's going well so far, Cooper.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
And you live, you know, I would think it'd be hard not to get into some of the history, because if you live in D.C. and you live in that area, you know, you can't walk 15 feet without being on ground that was somehow involved in something historic. Right. And I felt the same way in Massachusetts growing up. It was all about the Revolutionary War. You could take a trip to Lexington and conquer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Even if you're walking around Boston or in the hills around Boston, Bunker Hill, it's all stuff where history played itself out. So I think that helped fuel my interest in history was just that I kind of grew up around it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
So tell me a little bit about your life. So we've covered the Civil War part. Tell us more about Cooper. What's your last name, Cooper? Wingert. Okay, Cooper Wingert. Tell us about Cooper Wingert, the man. What's going on? What's happening?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Yeah, no, seriously. How are you, Cooper? I am really good. I'm so excited to be here. Okay. Well, now you look like you're a hostage who's saying the stuff you've been told to say by your captors, which is the kind of way you are. Where are you coming from, Cooper? I live in D.C. Okay. Okay. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Cooper. All I know is you're Cooper. You're from D.C.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So every now and then when you guys really want to just rip the lid off this thing and go totally loco, you have PowerPoint night?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Oh, okay. All right. Wait a minute. I'm liking this now. How did Nicolas Cage blow his fortune?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
You know, there's nothing worse than when a skeleton you bought is repossessed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Yes, I didn't. He he bought some bones and then they were controversial. Maybe they were even counterfeit. Who can say? I don't know. But look, Nick Cage, terrific actor, great body of work. But maybe what you're saying is we shouldn't go to him for investment counsel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Okay. Well, okay. It sounds like you guys are having a good time. The PowerPoint. The PowerPoint, yeah. What about your life? What's going on in your social life?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Wait a minute. I said, are you on the apps? And you went, no, I'm single. Well, I'm married and I'm on the apps. And I am cleaning up. I'm like, Liza! Kiki in Palm Springs is into it. You're single, but you're not on the apps.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
You appear to be a young fellow. Are you in your late 20s? Are you in your 30s? Give us an age.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Okay, good. Okay. All right. And you want to kind of hide the Civil War stuff for now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Cooper, this could be bad advice, but I couldn't disagree more. I say you lead the Civil War and go hard. I say, yeah, I say you should be dressed on the apps as a Civil War soldier with the kooky beard and the musket. And you should talk to them and say, like, I just got back from battle. I was in the hornet's nest. The fire was coming pretty fast and thick. Why is he talking like that?
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Power Point Night
Sure, I did. I did. Yeah, we did it down in Atlanta. Yeah. That's where I met Liza. She was a corpse.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
We were two corpses right outside Atlanta. And I just liked the way that she was laid out, you know? Oh, dear. Laid out. And we couldn't move much, but I was like, hey.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Okay, I'm glad to talk to you. I'm a bit of a Civil War, I'm a bit of a history buff, and Civil War is one of the areas that I'm kind of interested in. Have you been a Civil War buff your whole life, or is this something you came to later on?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
And I'm like, I got you out in the chest. And she's like, I got a belly wound. And I'm like, those are bad. Those get infected. And one thing led to another. Yeah. And yeah. So have you done any Civil War reenactments?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Baked potato? What kind of reenactment is this? You know what I like? I like a no starch reenactment. No starches on my reenactment. That's hilarious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Well, I was a very odd child and I remembered writing a play about Lincoln's assassination at Ford Theater in the third grade and making Scotty McGregor play Lincoln and I played Booth and we staged it in the gymnasium so I could yell, sick Semper Tyrannis and jump from the top. They had bars that went up to the ceiling for gymnastics and I leapt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
and then crawled into a little crawl space and hid, and the play lasted like three minutes. And the whole third grade- I just love you in Booth, too. He's so dark and- I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
Because I wanted Scotty McGregor to be Lincoln. I thought he was a good, and I wanted to make that leap. Sic semper tyrannis, and then leap. And and then I crawled into a little hole and I had to stay there because there was no way out until all the students left. So I crawled into a little hole at the Michael Baldwin School in Brookline, Massachusetts. Were you in costume? Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
I had a little mustache and I had a little overcoat. And I think my Derringer was just a baked potato because that's the go to in Civil War reenactments. So I killed Lincoln with a baked potato. But yeah, I don't know why I remember that very well. Scotty McGregor asking him in the playground, can you be my Lincoln? And he was like, sure. What do I do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
You just sit there and watch a pretend play and I shoot you. And then I climb into a hole and hide there until the whole auditorium leaves. So I'm a weird guy. And I like you. I like you, Cooper. Oh, my God. Well, I don't think you have to hide the fact that you have these interests. You seem like a really nice person. I think, you know, I think you can be open about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
I just love you saying, if I hear one more word about Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, I'm going to lose it. You seem like an exemplary young fellow, doesn't he? I mean, this is the kind of person we need more of. You're teaching, you're helping people, you're obsessed with the Civil War. These are all the qualities that I find mandatory in a human being. Where are you right now in your house?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
It's okay. I like how the light switch is painted the same color as the wall. Yeah. Thank you, I thought it was a nice touch. And the shell fragments too. Yeah, everything blends into everything else. But man, does your green sweater pop. That's for sure. It's going well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
In real life. I think my cowardice, I'm going to say as a plus. How so? Well, it's very good to save lives. And the best way to do that is to lead everybody away from the fight. Now, would I be leading them so much as just running first? I don't know. I think I'd be really good around a campfire at night, you know, spinning a yarn, entertaining people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
And then the next day when the fighting broke out, they'd notice I didn't I don't see him either. I don't know where he went. Every night you show up. Maybe he got killed, but then I'm back at the fire that night, and I'm like, I tell you, did you see the way Lee took off on his horse? Oh, that right flank. He ran faster than a man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
That right flank crumpled like, you know, and then I would just be making jokes and stuff, and I'd be laughing again. Next day, I'm gone. No one knows where I am. Because I found one hollow tree nobody knows about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
like any threatened animal. I like to just go find a little hole and hide in it until everything calms down. But I think I'd be a lot of fun around the campfire. I really do. What about you? How do you, what are your, do you think you'd make a good leader?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Power Point Night
If you, let's say we get in a time machine, you go back to 1863, Battle of Gettysburg, of course, summer, you know, you're there in Pennsylvania. Do you think you'd do a good job?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Orienteering is when you run through the woods and you have a compass and you have, are you allowed to have a map with you when you're orienteering?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
That's a great thing to know how to do. I dated someone once who was into orienteering and she used her orienteering skills to... Get away from me. She got out of that relationship with a compass and a map. Stephanie, how can I help you? Is there anything I can do to help you? Because a big part of my life is trying to help others.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Duct tape is, yeah, get the really strong electrical kind. It doesn't break. And you tell them it's a fun game called sit still. You just duct tape them to something. I don't, you know, it's a tricky one because all kids are different.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
And so how to get, are you trying to say how to, you want me to help you parent these two, you've described them as feral children that are running around the woods, grabbing mushrooms and stuffing them in their mouths.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
You're kidding. You buried the lead. I'm from Brookline, Massachusetts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
No, no, no, you don't have to hit record. We can proceed just like this. Thanks for asking. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
golf because i played golf to get out of running the mile in gym clubs you got out of that i respect that you wait to get out of running the mile if you played a varsity sport you didn't have to run the mile and i was like i can do golf i love this so stupid i wanted to be a sprinter and i tried out for the brookline high school track team and they made me a two miler so i ran the two mile yeah and they made me swing a golf club as i ran
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
For no reason. It just looked funny. Wow. Yeah, I have miserable memories of my days on the track team at Brookline High School. It wasn't anything Brookline High School did. It's just that I had the lungs of a two-year-old child when I was in high school. And it was not a fun experience. I don't think I was a good runner.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah. Well, you're from Brockton and you've made your way to a place. Even though you study maps and your specialty is where things are in the world, you have moved to a place you seem to despise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Okay, why'd you make... You went like, ugh, Richmond, Virginia. So disgusted? Yeah, I mean, Virginia's a beautiful state.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I love my job here from 600 miles north. I would never leave.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
You know what I love? I can't wait. I can't wait till word gets out. And it will because this is a popular podcast, Stephanie, that you were pleading with a way to escape. And that you're desperately sending out applications to other schools.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
You're up for tenure? Not anymore. Not anymore. You're going to be eating mushrooms day in and day out. You're going to be living in the woods with a compass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Oh, I love it here. I love it here on the ninth level of Dante's hell. Oh, Stephanie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Sure, they do. They do now. They do now. Oh, they did before. Yeah. Well, listen, I hope I've helped you. I think I've helped you move out of that job. And once you're homeless, once you're homeless, you'll have to move on and you can move back to Brockton.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
What are you talking about? First of all, it doesn't sound like, I mean, your children can feed themselves. They sound pretty much like wildebeest. So they don't need clothing. These two monsters, yeah, they'll just be... You'll just have them on long ropes. Yeah. And you and your husband will be walking around the woods and you'll be saying, look, a tree. Isn't it crazy?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
And your husband will give you a snack to change the topic. Stephanie, it's all a mess.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
What a perfect life. What a perfect life you've just envisioned. I love it here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Listen, it's been really nice talking to you. And why don't you check in with us and tell us what your new city and new profession is in about six weeks. It's too late, Stephanie. You did this to yourself. And you know what? This was a cry for help. Don't worry about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah, I actually didn't have a question about parenting. It's how do I get out of this job that I do like, but it's in a place I don't like.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Too late. You're just digging the hole deeper and deeper. And as you know from geography and geology, if you dig deep enough, you'll end up in China. All right, Stephanie, I got to run, but you take care, okay? Thank you so much. And say hi to your kids, Greg and Greg, those monsters. Close enough. All right, take care. Greg and Greg. Bye-bye.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
OK, well, I'm going to move on to more pleasant topics, though, than the fact that you hate living in Richmond, Virginia. People know it. What do you. Yeah, it's that T-shirt you wear. I hate Richmond.
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I Hate Richmond
They say Virginia's for lovers, and yet they have a hater living right in the center.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I see here that you're a geography professor. Is that correct? That is fully correct. Yeah. Okay. This is not a police interview. You're allowed to elaborate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
That is my job. Okay. And how did you get into that? I mean, how does one become a geography professor?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
You're talking to me like I'm an idiot. That's what you're doing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yes, I know. The difference between geology and geography.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Listen, if you're a listener right now and you don't know that geology is rocks, never listen to this podcast again. You are banished. And that includes you, David, because you seem genuinely confused.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Um, so Stephanie, uh, you, you studied, you studied, uh, you studied geology and then you said, you know what, I'm going to move into geography. So what is it you do now? What is it you're studying?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
So weird. Absolutely nothing funny has happened so far. So you have a very low bar for funny.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
First of all, I'm going to cut you off and say this is all very cool stuff and very valuable stuff. This is important work. You know, it's forefront in our minds now, obviously. I mean, climate change has been for a long time, but we live here in Los Angeles and we're seeing the effects of, terrible effects of 100 mile an hour Santa Anas and a lot of homes lost in a bad fire.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
And we're wondering, clearly things are changing. And I think everyone's, almost everybody, I shouldn't say everybody, but I think almost everybody- everybody is slowly getting to the reality that there is climate change. What advice do you have for, for example, there's just so much anxiety about it. My wife has anxiety about it. I have two children that have anxiety about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
And I, I sometimes want to be the voice of things will be okay. We'll figure this out. But then I sound like, you know, very Pollyanna. I can sound like a moron. What's your take on this? Is there a way that we can be positive or talk to people about who are anxious on this subject?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Oh, I'm sorry it's been a tough week. Anything the matter or...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah, that's very good advice. That's very good advice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I should tell you I drive a 12-cylinder car. Sure. And I eat seven burgers a day. All your private flights.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Oh, terrible. They keep trying to get me to stop, but I can't hear them over the revving of my 12-cylinder. And it runs on rainforest wood that just...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
No, I'm trying in my small ways to do my part. It can all feel so overwhelming. Yes. And I also, my son gets really mad when I say this because my son's a very, he's into STEM and science tech and all that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
And when the kids, yes. Yeah, it's tough when their kids are around and you don't really love them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
And I'll say to him, look, humans have to change their behavior, but I'm also hoping that science comes up with some answers. And he gets mad that I'm just putting it off on science. Like, don't worry, science will fix it because that can sound, I think, irresponsible. But I do think...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Science is going to have to be is going to have to come into the equation because I have my doubts that China, India, the United States, Russia, and I'm including us, trust me, are all going to say, you know what, we got to change our ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I think insurance companies in L.A. are going to start investing in climate change technology because, you know, and you're going to see. I mean, unfortunately, at a certain point, it takes. I hate to say it, but it does. Once you start hurting big businesses' pocketbook, that's when they pay attention and they see religion. I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
It's tough. It's tough. Even when you adore your children, it's tough when they're constantly around. It's more the job. But yeah, we're getting a little I'm just going to check in a little bit. Is that a little bit of feedback? Feedback? Would that be? Let's just do a quick test. Stephanie, let's do a quick back and forth. How are you? How you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
No. First of all, no. I just talked to my staff 10 minutes ago. that was much more depressing. Real downer. Yeah, real downer. They're just not fun people. Yeah, we had a quick meeting where I encouraged them to tell me how they really felt about me. And that went terribly. We're never doing that again. Stephanie, I know how to brighten this up. Yeah. I'm going to do it right now. Go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I take to heart what you said, and you shouldn't be self-conscious because I want these discussions. Yes, it's nice when they're fun, but it's also heartening to talk to people who are out there dealing with the real problems in the world. So don't feel badly about that. Okay? Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah. Yeah. If you want to feel badly about something, feel badly about thinking that I didn't understand the difference between geology and geography.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Do you feel that people have lost touch with the outside world, that we're all on our screens, that we've lost touch with nature?
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I Hate Richmond
I have an app on my phone called Nature. And I just click it and it shows me pictures of nature. And it calms me. And then, you know, every every 15 seconds, there's an ad usually, usually for a porn site. And then the porn sites are great. And sometimes they're and I'll be honest with you, Stephanie, sometimes they're outside.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Does that work? That's fine, too, but I'm just encouraging more outdoor porn. It's always in an indoor facility in the valley, and I'm thinking there should be more porn that's shot outside. What's wrong with that? And I think it's because of splinters. I think that's the big thing that's getting in the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
People are like, you know, I'm going to get hurt, splinter, if I get in that position on top of that redwood. So my point is... And I don't really think I have a point. I just say that sometimes when I know where I'm going. Stephanie, I think you're right. We got to get outside and we got to also know what nature is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I think, I mean, there are people that don't know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. They don't know that, you know, they don't know how a tree grows, you know, that they don't know what's edible. Like sometimes I just go outside and I just start eating stuff outside. Berries and things to educate myself about what's edible and what's not. Now, the problem is I don't record it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I don't write anything down. I just start stuffing berries and leaves into my mouth. And then I have a very powerful diarrhea, sometimes violent vomiting. And so that's a mistake. I think I'm probably going at it the wrong way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah, but I'm not recording. A big part of the scientific method is record the data. I don't do that. Every time I go to the emergency room, they say, what did you eat? And I say, I don't know. I don't know. And then they, you know, yeah, but they usually do a biopsy on what's in my stomach and find out that you ate a piece of a fire hydrant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Could you explain to us why we have seasons? I know, but I want to make sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
I did not go to Harvard College. I went to Harvard Driving School. And I was asked to leave because I couldn't parallel park. That's a common misapprehension. Well, I mean, the tilt of the Earth has a lot to do with it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah. But of course, the angle of the Earth tilts us farther away from the sun. But, you know, I don't like to brag about my own knowledge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
So proud of me for knowing that the earth tilts every now and then, and that I know what a rock is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
No, you seem fine. And your life, you said you have kids? Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Wait a minute. I thought people just gave one answer when they gave their astrological sign.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Oh, the responsible parent. That's great. He's four years old and he's learning the difference between, you know, the safe and the dangerous mushrooms.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
He's got a mushroom fan club book? Listen, he's going to be bullied. You know that, right? I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
No, no, no, but I just want to make sure that he learns self-defense. Because David here was in a mushroom fan club.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
They were constantly smashing his glasses. Yeah, it was awful. Yeah, and then he came to work for me and I smashed his glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
But I think it's great. I, I, I applaud. I applaud young people being passionate about knowledge. And I think that's a great thing. I think that's really cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
All right. Well, okay. I'm just an Aries. I'm not an Aries. There's no moon rising. There's no ram jumping in a hole. You do have it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Okay, because when my wife says Conan's a delight, it means she wants me dead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Great. I mean, I think you two are killing it. Good for him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Yeah, good for him. Yeah, he's very patient. No, seriously. I mean... I'm constantly surrounded in show business. I'm surrounded by people that are just out for themselves, trying to advance their own career. I've never done that. I've taken my work very hard to drive my into the gutter. But but I think it's amazing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
You sound like a like both of you are working hard to make the world a better place. Do you two get along? Sounds like you get along pretty well. Does he ever use his behavioral techniques on you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Wait a minute. If you're fighting with your husband and arguing, he'll pop a snack into your mouth?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
You just don't know it. No, but I've looked into it. Just Aries. Stephanie, tell us a little bit about yourself. You're coming to me. They say you're from, are you in central Virginia?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
I Hate Richmond
Jesus. It's called a Scooby snack. Yeah. OK, well, I guess I mean, that's that's has he ever tried to lead you through a maze with a snack?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
The Jonas Brother came in on a white horse. Yeah. At the, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
You know what I mean? I would love to say the Oscars have been postponed and people would be like, oh, you know, well, probably because of everything that's happened in LA. And I'd be like, no, no, no, no, not because of that. Adu is getting married and I need to be there. And he's been a good friend of mine for about 11 hours.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
It means gold. Give us time to process it. It means gold. The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. It's a legum.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I'm getting, I'm out too. Eduardo, book me some flights. I love yelling at us. This is your engineer. Highly trained sound engineer to book. I know, but you have to be jack of all trades in these situations. Eduardo, get me those flights. And a cup of black coffee, see? Book, book, click. Book, book, click. Book isn't a sound effect. Book, book, aisle, aisle, book.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Well, Adu, I'm very happy for you. What is your bride's name? Allison. Allison. Okay. I'm very happy for you and for Allison. And trust me, if I could find a transporter beam, I would be there. You seem like a very cool guy, and I support... I just love that you're using your mind to try and help the planet. I love that. I would do that, but my mind's no good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
But I'm happy that you and people like you are hard at work on this. So... I appreciate that, Conan. Thank you. I think we're good, right? Yeah. Yeah. I want to thank you so much, Adu, for calling in. And again, very energizing to find out that we have fans out there who are smart and funny and cool and doing good stuff. And have amazing taste in sweaters. I bow to you, sir. I bow to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
No, it's not the real name. That is, I mean, it's like looking in a mirror.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
That is my bird. What's it called again? I want to write it down and make sure that they are, you know, don't go extinct.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
No, no, and you can tell it breeds insatiably. It's called the cock of the rock. Yes, no, and it's just got so much sexual energy. It probably has sex with the rock.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Okay, I'm the Andean cock of the rock. Yeah. I love it. All right, let's move on. What's Sona? I got Sona.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Three-wattled... I don't have... It's so funny you say that because we work in this office building, and I'm on the top floor. When Sona enters on the first floor... I hear it as clear as we all do. The whole building shakes because you're one of the loudest people I've ever met.
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The Cock of the Rock
And now let's move on to the fussiest of the birds. Come on.
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The Cock of the Rock
super wise but i mean look at them i know they're kind of insane that middle one is crazy that middle one that's me it's very true that gorley came in and we all thought well he's the steady hand on the tiller uh he is you know he's he's clearly the experienced podcaster here um and he very quickly went quite mad um definitely not the worst but pretty terrible yeah Well, I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
That was a real treat. And we're going to post those because we want our fans to see those. And we should probably wrap it up. But my heartfelt congratulations to you. And I hope our paths cross in person. That would be very cool. I'd like to shake your hand. I would love that. I would love to. I have a very firm hand to shake.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
All right. Take care, Adu. Have a great time. Thank you. Take care.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Why don't you take your mumbo jumbo and witchcraft somewhere else? Let's pack up and go, guys. I'm sorry. Three cheers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I don't like science. Now I'm going to go get in my car and drive around.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
That sounds like really good work. I'm hoping you can tell me something optimistic because these are perilous times. It can feel, for a lot of us, what do you... Oh, you want it optimistic?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
It doesn't have to be optimistic. I just want to get your take, your... It sounds like you're devoting your career and your incredible mind and hard work to trying to figure out the oceans, I'm guessing, are warming. That is happening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I'm doing well. I have to compliment you on your voice. You have a terrific... And your sweater. Well, you know, I'm thinking it's mostly a vocal audio medium, but sure. I like the whole vibe. Yeah, the whole vibe is great. You have an incredible beard. You have a true Irishman's sweater, Adu. It's actually from Ireland. Oh, I could tell. Yes. That's the one thing I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
It's also as understanding how rising temperatures are going to affect currents, winds. We've all noticed that things are getting more severe. We're noticing that here in Los Angeles, obviously, lately that And I think across the globe, people are noticing that extremes are becoming more extreme. And so, and it doesn't, climate change doesn't always mean one thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
It can, the influences can be very complex. And so we don't really know sometimes what to expect. Sometimes it means, and we're all figuring that out together. So, and I think my work in this area is every bit as important.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Excuse me. I do. Excuse me, I'm not done yet. I believe that by various neutron installments throughout the oceanographic plates and plateaus, there might one day be hegemony. Can we just go back to your sweater?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Thank you. No, I do appreciate, all foolishness aside, I really do appreciate the work you're doing and I'm As someone who has children, I really do want us to figure this out and make a better world. So I'm glad you're doing this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Well, try harder. I'm doing the best I can. You don't look like it. You just called into a podcast to goof around. This is time that could be saving the world. And you're like, I've got to go talk to Conan and goof off. Well, listen, I love Seattle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I'm sort of married into Seattle because my wife is from Seattle and I married there and I go back a lot and I love my in-laws and I love to prowl around Seattle. It's my second home. So yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Yeah. You know what? Late at night, wearing mostly black. Yeah. Okay. And there have been some sightings. I wear a black cap. Listen, that's not important. My prowling is my own business. Tell us about yourself. What are your hobbies? What do you like to do when you're not studying your sensors? What do you... And I say that with great respect. No, you don't. Of course. Beep, beep, bloop, bloop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
What do you... Great respect. What do you like to do in your spare time, Adu?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
And yeah, my father was a birdwatcher. I loved it. And he used to always try and get one of us to go along with him birdwatching. And when I was a kid, I'd noticed that no one else was volunteering. And I would feel some like someone's got to go. And so I would go and I would trudge around March at marshes in the in the suburbs of Boston or Rhode Island and not enjoying the smell.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I can tell by the various coded messages in it right now. Oh, for sure. It says, buy Guinness. And you've got an amazing beard, but I've got to say that the tone of your voice is very calming. Fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
And did you enjoy it? I have to say I didn't at the time. The one thing I really did enjoy was there was once a gull that got way off course and kind of made the news called Ross's Gull. And Ross's goal, I think, usually hangs out in Alaska or Russia. And this thing, I think, lost its connecting flight, got all turned around. And Ross's goal showed up. Some birder spotted it in Boston.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
And this might be, I'm going to say this is 1970. It could be 76, 77, something like that. And I went there. My dad was really excited and he said, we've got to go. It was like a 40 minute drive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
And so we, there was a bunch of, I mean, there was 300, 400 birders there and we found a spot and we, I saw Ross's gull and I remember thinking, wow, I, you know, and then I tried that line on women for years. It never worked.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I do. You buried the lead. This is a huge event, and you're talking about the double-billed Quixel Quaxle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
This is, again, with great respect. So tell me about this. You're getting married in two weeks and?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I've never been to a true Indian wedding and I've always wanted to go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
You go to the wagon. I love that. There's been a quick program change. Instead of Conan O'Brien, Matt Gourley's here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Every category. James Bond films from the 70s swept tonight.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Yeah. Yeah. We've not found a mic in the universe that will give me a rich fullness. I've put Eduardo on that task. I'm still searching. Yeah. It doesn't exist. Yeah. We're going through the Barry White estate to see what we can get. Adu, tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do? What are you all about? Where are you coming from?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Big problem with climate change is we keep finding these burning notes. The fish are eating them and dying. Rare fish. We're looking for someone named Adu. If you know anything about him, he's wearing an Irish sweater that he got from Liam Neeson. But I'm well, so but this is how you got interested in it. And so now you're going to go to India and it's a chance to probably see some some new birds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
You're there with nine birds on your arm talking to them like Dr. Dolittle. You're joking, but that's actually how most of- I'm not joking. I sum up a human being very quickly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
It's close enough. It's close enough. Yeah. My wife is not adjacent to any of my interests in any way. So where you are sounds, you know, much, much healthier. And I compliment you and I weep for myself. I do. There's a well, I just think this is wonderful. Sona and I have been to Jaipur.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
And to the I guess they call it the pink. Is it the pink city?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
It was, I think after, but anyway, we were there together. We've had so many adventures together, but we were there together, I think around 2010. And that was my one dip into India and I loved it. I think it's a magical place. I really do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I'm allergic to niche interests. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. He was having a nice moment there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I sneezed for real, and then I had to add a joke to cover my human moment. I'm sorry. Continue. So... Get it back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
I know it's a tradition. Are you going to ride in at one point on a white horse?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Cock of the Rock
Riding in on a big animal is a big thing, and I know this because none other than Jack McBrayer... Oh, yeah. Was invited to one of the Jonas Brothers. I think it was Jebediah Jonas, I think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, ¿por qué no? So, I mean, I think if I had grown up in Madrid, my adolescence and all through my 20s and 30s would have been a lot of women going, ¿por qué no?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, that was in our vows. Her, her, her, she said, why not? I said, I do. She said, why not? I don't not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. And I paid that fucker off. He gets $50,000 a year to keep his goddamn mouth shut.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, my God. The scales are the best part. Oh, you know when those things get scared, their tails pop off. You bet they do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, my God. What an orgasm. You are the lizard. I think I'll say it was for me, but the lizard didn't look unhappy. Let's just say we both smoked a cigarette afterwards. Anyway, Alejandra, we somehow went astray. We. I don't know how you took me down this road. But so your question, you said a lot of nice things to me, but you didn't quit. What is the question?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Well, I have an agent and a manager and they did a lot of checking in on my children. Yeah. Gavin Pallone, Rick Rosen, and they would check in on the kids and they would occasionally text me and say, the boy seems good. The girl seems sad. And then they then we would get into the financials about, you know, how the business was doing and the ratings and things like that. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I have to say, all joking aside, I hit the jackpot with with my wife, Liza, because she is an impeccable mom and she just did an incredible job. And so I did miss out on things because I was working a lot. I tried to be there for important stuff. But, yeah, there were it really helps to have a partner there. who is fantastic. And it sounds like your husband does a great job.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
And so my rule is find an amazing partner and then totally screw them over, leave them with the kids and eat as late as possible in Madrid. That's my rule.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Now, do you have close family that you dine with as well?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So, Alejandra, theoretically, if I were to be in Madrid and if you and I were to go out to a very late dinner at a nice restaurant, would your father come as well? And how would that go?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Are you saying that someone could monopolize a conversation with me? You really think so?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, so that's why I would insist that he come along. You tell Papa Blabbermouth... That the big guns are coming to town. Okay. I think I'm a world champion gabber. And I would insist that he come to dinner.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
That's great. So you just basically watched American television, listened to American podcasts, and that has influenced. It's destroyed one of the most beautiful accents in the world. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I bet I can out talk your dad. I bet I can talk. And here's the great thing. Your dad knows a lot. He has great knowledge. I know nothing about food. I know nothing about the food in Madrid. And yet I will talk three times as much as your father about this stuff I know nothing about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, I'm not worried about that part. I think, I don't know who this guy is, but I think I got him covered on comedy. But I will talk much more than your father. I will dominate the conversation and I will make it all about me. That's my promise to you. Doesn't that sound fun?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
No, no, I need you there. I need you there as the buffer, okay? I need you there as the buffer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, I think it's you, me, your father. I think it's a very late dinner, traditional dinner at a nice restaurant in in Madrid. And I will dominate the conversation. And I will also ask my wife for some wisdom about raising children because I I you know, she's the one that knows I'm not even I can't remember their names right now. Stuart. Stuart? No, that's family guy. Stewie. Stewie, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
That's from a cartoon. I'll find out their names. I'm going to be able to give you great advice on raising children. Okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I'm delighted to meet you, Alejandra. And I do hope we get to have a meal someday. I want your father there because he's not going to get one word out of his boca.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Edward, that's mouth. Anyway. Alejandra, very nice to see you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Thank you, guys. You're a very impressive person. Congratulations on all of your achievements. And I hope we cross paths. That would be fun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Great. Can we make sure we edit out that shout out, please? No, no. Make sure it's edited out. I don't trust them. They're gone. I'm not friends with them. I don't know them. Dead to us. Just put a big eee over that shout out. Not for any other, not for a legal reason, just that I don't know them and they should get no free rides. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, I'm glad that I made you urinate. Sorry. Alejandra, many people think I am Ellen and many people go up to Ellen and say, hi, Conan. So it's a common misconception.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
They're your words. These are my words. These are my words come back to haunt me. Well, tell me a little bit about your life. Mostly what I like to do is try and figure out how I can help my fans around the world. How can I help you, Alejandra? What can I do for you? I don't think I can do much. You're very beautiful. You're obviously very smart, very well-spoken. How can I help you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
It's OK. You're allowed to freak out. That's OK. Your name is Alejandra. Is this right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You know what we should do? I should speak less and you guys should speak more so that children can sleep.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Exactly. I think when I'm talking, it's like... But I think you guys should take the lead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I wouldn't listen to the podcast. I've told many people you should not listen to the podcast while caring for a sleeping baby. Because, I mean, the laughs are going to come. They just are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So and so so are you are you taking care of them full time or do you work?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
No, no, no. First of all, first of all, Alejandra, do not sell yourself short. That is a I am very impressed. That is a very high powered job you have. Thank you. And I will tell you, that's that's quite a lot. I mean, you have sounds like your husband has a job. You have this very high powered job. You have two kids. That's a lot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Everyone's a wise guy. Alejandra, tell us, where are you right now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Alejandra, you keep trying to convince me that you're not an impressive person. And yet you are clearly the smartest person out of the four of us in this room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You're not in the room and you're much smarter than we are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
And to to be legal counsel for this massive company, that's big.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I'm impressed by that because not that I'm throwing her under the bus or anything, but when my children were born, my wife said, no restaurants, no movies, no joy for anyone until they're 12 years old. And kind of locked it down. Kind of locked it down. And so we're just sort of, they're both in college now. And we just, we're just now going outside again. And I remembered, oh, that's the sun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Look at the sun. That burning orb in the sky. But anyway, I love my wife. Shut it down. That's so nice. My wife was not, we were not going to restaurants for quite a while. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I've been to Barcelona, but I've never been to Barcelona. But I've never been to Madrid and I would love to see it someday. Alejandra, tell us a little bit. Do you go by Alejandra?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, she just didn't want to leave the kids behind. Oh, I see. When kids are young, I mean, you're not taking your kids to, I think, first of all, in Spain, correct me if I'm wrong, but in Madrid, don't you start eating, the time to start a dinner, I think, is at two o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Isn't that when you guys have dinner?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
This is a true thing. The McDonald's in Madrid, they all serve breakfast. They start at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah. That's a true story. You can't have it before then. Lunch is at six o'clock and then you can't get Big Mac. I don't think till 4 a.m. They're all insane. It's not called the Big Mac in Spain. It's called it's called the conquistador.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay, he's from Poland. So he must think these people are crazy. They're going out to have these full... I mean, these are elaborate meals too, right? You're having elaborate meals in elaborate restaurants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
No, no. You should try it. Give it a shot. I think you're just different people. I'm telling you, it's a whole different culture. They're different people. They have massive meals very late at night. I love that. Yeah, in theory, I love that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So, okay, you go out to these meals. Is your husband coming with you on these meals when you go out?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay, that's all right. This also sounds familiar. You don't want to spend time with your spouse, but with your friends. Yes, my wife did a lot of that as well. Conan, why don't you stay here and people who make me laugh can have dinner with me. It was all your friends. It was all my friends. It was you guys. My wife was always saying, I'm meeting Matt and Sona.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
At the Hunky Dory, that bar in the corner. So Alejandra, let me understand this. You have this big job. You have two young children, a husband, but you also like to go out to eat. This all sounds, it says a lot to balance, isn't it? This is a lot to juggle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay. So your English is perfect. I mean, you sound like you're coming to me from San Diego or something. I mean, it's perfect right now. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Not so good. The wheels are coming off the trolley. So it must be hard to balance all of that is what I'm guessing. It's just hard to...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You know, there's an old saying that when you're on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop down, you've got to put yours on first before you put it on the child.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
And my theory has always been I take both masks. I put both masks on. A child's got smaller lungs. They'll figure it out. They don't need as much. Right. And God forbid, but you can get another child somewhere.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Whatever. They come along. So my point, Alejandra, is you need to take much more time for yourself. The children will figure it out. Do you know what I mean? You need you're working very hard. You gave birth to them. Check. I think that's enough. Right. And I think I think you should be having dinner starting at nine. Then I think you shouldn't feel any guilt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I think you should hit the clubs afterwards. And you'll see the kids. I'm too old for that now. Yeah, you'll see. You're too old. I just got to the clubs. Yeah, I am. Oh, no. I just hit the age when I think I'm ready to go to the clubs. I never went to the clubs before. I missed out and I want to go to the clubs now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
People were very evasive when I said, where's the clubs? And they'd be like, I don't know. We got to go. And they were all dressed and they had glow sticks and stuff. I never went to a club. And now I think it's the time. Once I hit 60, I thought, now's the time to hit the clubs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
His club is probably a historical society where they talk about, you know, Eisenhower's contributions to the highway system in the 1950s in America.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Well, I'm saying you have a beautiful Cincinnati accent. It's amazing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
He thinks Grubhub is a club. It rhymes, doesn't it? Yeah. He thinks that when he gets his sandwich delivered.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Alejandra, let's say you and I were to hang out. Let's say, and this is all theoretical, but let's say I were in Madrid and you and I were to hang out. How would you want me to help you? How could I assist you? How could I improve your life?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Thank you so much for saying that. So you're a young, attractive woman who is willing, who thinks that I'd be the perfect guy to have a late dinner with in Madrid and then hit the clubs. Is that what you're saying?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
But Alejandra, how did your, I mean, you live, are you a citizen of Madrid? You grew up in Madrid?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
When I was single, a shrug and a why not was the best I could get. What is Spanish for? How do you say in Spain? How do you say why not?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
It was the Olympics. You were pretty talented. It was the 2002 Olympics, and I learned how to snowboard, and I'm still recovering from that. I lost most of my spine, had to be replaced with a coat hack.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Oh, God, no. I didn't mean either of you. Oh, God, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, please. Oh, how embarrassing. I'm covering my mouth. I'm laughing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And what I'd like to do, Leigh-Anne, if it's okay, is I'd like to tape an episode of my show sometime where your mother's in a little inset box randomly saying things while I'm trying to do the show. That would be great. So I'm trying to talk to Hugh Jackman and she's saying things like, I was on the snow hill. My favorite chowder is corn chowder.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And it just randomly, okay, our next guest was in the fly. You know him as Jeff Goldblum, but you know, onions are best on a sandwich. Okay, mom, we got it. But how can I help you, Leanne? I know you have a question for me and I know I can help you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I really like you. It comes off as mental illness sometimes, but I like it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I am mostly myself when I perform or show myself to the public, but, and Sona and Gorla, you will back me up, I can be weirder than even what people have seen or heard on the podcast. The podcast probably catches it the most, but I go on these riffs sometimes that they start out making sense and then they get more and more twisted and strange and they're just not for public consumption.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Can we just start calling it my gift and not my mental illness?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I say a lot of words that don't make sense. I have microaggressions. And macroaggressions. And macroaggressions, but none of it's really based in reality. Like I'm constantly threatening you, Mr. Gourley, but I'm not even angry with you. It's just like, I have no anger towards Matt Gourley at all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes, Leanne, I know there was a question in there somewhere, but I think you nailed it. I think, yes, has there been a time where I've needed to hide? Yes, there are times where my mind goes probably to a darker place and I edit myself. How about that? That's very true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Hey everybody, Conan O'Brien here, and we're going to try something a little different. In the short time that I've been doing Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, I've just been delighted. I'm having an absolute blast, and it's working. I'm actually making some nice bonds and friendships.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I'm looking it up. I'm looking it up. I am looking it up. Yes, I am a celebrity. I just looked it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I would say that's very sweet. I would say Sona is very much herself. I don't know who the real Matt is. I don't know if I can say. I don't either. I don't know. Like you're a shapeshifter, Gorley. You could be, I just don't know. You could be someone completely different. It's like that movie, The Stepfather. I just don't know. You could be a complete maniac and I wouldn't know it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
You're not a mess. Yeah. You're good friends. And you know what? It really does help to do this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's actually, I created that soundbite with my computer. If you listen to it, Again, carefully, all I did was press control D and it just was like, we are good friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yeah, I am a B-lister, but I am a celebrity. So, fuck, I am. I am a solid B. I'm a solid B-list celebrity and I'm proud of it. And if Love Boat were still on the air, I could potentially be a guest. Not the first guest, but like the third guest who's the comic relief guest who stowed away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I enjoy, and then control alt J is, I enjoy people. I am a human. Control alt W is, I love children. When my wife and I visit her family with our kids, we stay in this hotel in Seattle, and there's one of those elevators that has a voice, a robotic voice that's telling you what floor you're going to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
It's this accent we can't place, but when you get in the elevator on the fifth floor and you're going to the lobby, this woman's voice says, going down. Yeah. And it burned into my brain. And whenever I'm in an elevator and it starts to go down, I hear in my brain, going down. It's very, I find it very disturbing. And I'm glad I shared it with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I think your mom's trying to get in on the act again. Is that your mom who just walked behind you? Yeah, it is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I love it. I really love playing with Jimmy Vivino and guys from my band. And we've put out a couple of videos and I was really proud of it until someone said, great Viagra ad. Yeah. And it was like, yeah, like, look at the older guy bopping out with his guitar, Viagra. Don't, you know, and I, that was a torpedo that just blew me apart. I just, I think I almost burned my guitar that night.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
But yeah, maybe the good news is I'll probably get an ad for Viagra. So that'll be good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Well, it's been very nice talking to you. Leanne, I've loved talking to you and occasionally your mom. Tell her I said, is your mom still there? She is, she's right there. Hi, Conan. Okay, I'm coming after you. What's your first name? My name's Carol. Carol, I'm coming after you. You've been taping this call illegally. I'm coming after you. I will use the Canadian courts to bring you down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
You guys are taunting me. Like, come and get me. Oh, man. I'm going after this family. Hey, lovely talking to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes. But anyway, this is something I want to do and I'm really looking forward to it. And I don't know. We're just going to give it a try and see how it goes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Wow. Donovan, very nice to talk to you. Where are you coming from, Donovan? Where are you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Do you consider yourself a Canadian? No, no, I'm from Michigan. Oh, you're from Michigan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Wait, I'm confused already. You're from Michigan. You've married someone who's from Montreal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
So Donovan, you are a professional wrestler, is that right? Yes. Okay, now help me because I know of a type of professional wrestler that has a character and I don't know, are you a professional wrestler who's really wrestling and using wrestling moves and it's not that fun to watch or are you a wrestler who's also kind of a performer and has a character?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Okay. Well, we are a podcast, so I'm going to describe it. You're sort of demonic looking. You just showed me a picture of what looked like a very fierce, evil, demonic wrestler.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes. You mean of the wrestlers, I'm the one that's influenced you the most? Yes, yes, of course. That's fantastic. Describe then a demonic Conan O'Brien as a wrestling character. Are you using some of my moves? Is it my attitude? Does your character have sort of little beady eyes and thin lips and sharp cheekbones?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Human teeth. You pour human teeth into the mouth. I love how that's people see that and go, Oh, that is so Conan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
with a lot of different people, but what occurred to me is all these people have one thing in common, they're celebrities. And I thought it might be nice to try making friends with average folk, people out there in the world. Civilians, not celebrities. Just talk to the people who make this great country we call the United States of America, or even people from other countries, it doesn't matter.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
No, no. So, okay. One of your standard moves is to pour loose teeth into the mouth of your opponent to confuse and disorient them. What are some of your other moves?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's very Cody. Okay. That's very nice, Matt. Yeah. I love that. You just add a Housen to things. So it's so good night. Housen is like a good night move.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Okay. That's my finishing. Well, you knee them in the face, Hauser.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Uh-huh, uh-huh. This is fantastic. I'm delighted by you. I'm delighted by this foolishness and that you've, like me, dedicated your life to... Absolute idiocy. This is fantastic. Now, are you a good wrestler? Are you a good athlete?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
How successful have you been? It sounds like, is this growing? Do you feel like Dan Housen is becoming a bigger and bigger character?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I wanna be a part of Dan Housen's world. You know, don't you see that Matt and Sona? Like I wanna maybe do some sort of, I wanna tape a video. I seriously wanna do something where you're in the ring and then I appear and I'm either for you or against you. Do you know what I mean? Or you're my long lost son. We've got to somehow get into, I want to get into the lore of Danhausen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Do you know what I mean? I want to be part of it. What would you do with me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Guess what? There's a lot of those now. There's literally like 600 in America. So you might want to come up with something cooler.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Would we actually fight? And first of all, you know, I know how to handle myself. Wait a minute. Oh, come on. I'm fairly athletic. I can take a punch and I love to fake fight. And so if I entered the ring, would we start out being friends? But then I would think that you had gotten too cocky and I would attack Dan Housen. What would happen?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Okay, how about this? Let me pitch you this because I'm really into this. All right, so Dan Housen, you're fighting your foe. He starts to get the better of you. He starts to win. He grabs the bag of teeth and starts to pour them into your mouth. He steals your sack of money. He punches you in the groin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Let's just talk to some regular folk and then hope, hope desperately that they become celebrities.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
It's all going badly when all of a sudden the music changes, fog machines go on and I appear, I come down on wires and it's me and I'm there to save Dan Housen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I hope so. What if the crowd's just like, all right, okay, there's Conan, I guess. Let's see what he's got. All right, let's go. If we go early, we can beat the traffic. In my mind before I go on, that's what I think. That's the reaction I always think I'm gonna get. If I leave now, I can beat the traffic. I want in on the Dan Housen world. I really do, Donovan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
You know what? I've always said, if there's a way that I can be involved with Good Night Hausen with Dan Hausen, I want in Hausen and right now Hausen. Not tomorrow Hausen, but today Hausen. I'm not fucking around, Hausen. I'm serious, Hausen. So let's make this happen, Hausen. Let's sign a contract, Hausen. I want to get paid, Hausen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
There's only one kind of money. There's only human money. No animal uses money. He has no idea. He just knows it gets you power. Yeah. Wow. That's very exciting. Well, you know what? I think you're going to do well. I love that you're going to Canada because I don't say this just to suck up to Canada, but I love Canadians.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's the concept. What do you guys think, Matt? Horrible. Yeah, I'm all in. Why is that horrible? It's very important to me that eventually they become celebrities.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And I think they're like the funniest, one of the funniest countries in the world. They're really funny people. So I think, and they really love nuanced, like weird, kooky comedy. And they've always been so nice to me. So I love that you're going to Montreal. I think that's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Donovan, you have my blessing and I will figure out a way to enter the world of Danhausen. I will.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes, we'll follow up on this. I'm really excited about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yeah, no problem. Hey, really nice to meet you, Donovan. Nice meeting you too. Nice meeting all of you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Leanne, tell me just a little bit about yourself. Just so I, when I meet someone for the first time, I like to ask just a few questions, find out who they are, where they're coming from.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Do you get a sense of maybe any mental illness when you listen to the podcast?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Well, I was just wondering if, you know, you're obviously a very intelligent person. You're an engineer. What kind of engineering do you do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
But you understand chemistry, you understand chemical engineering. Yeah. And have you ever, when you're listening to the podcast, thought, this guy, I think we need to regulate his brain. His brain needs some sort of chemical regulation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Who would do that? What kind of monster would choose that life? No, seriously, I really do. I do want to, and especially, I have to say, a lot of this comes out of this last year. Let's get outside this bubble, this celebrity bubble that we're trapped in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
So what you're saying is what adds to the podcast is my mental illness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's okay. It's always good to have a mother in the background laughing at me. It adds to the whole podcast experience. Oh, and look, she's shooting this on her iPhone, which is piracy. That's piracy. I'm going to have her arrested for stealing our copyright. That'll come later.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
So you fled to north of Toronto just because you wanted your mom to record you talking to me on the podcast on her iPhone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And you wanted to escape any attempt for me to seek retribution. You've thought this through so far in advance. You're so smart.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Oh, that's right. Good improv skills. You picked up on your mom's mistake. Yeah. Yeah, mom. Good improv. Cut it out. She put out the information. Leigh-Anne put out the information that you fled to Canada. So you can't ruin her improv by denying her information. Oh, God. Moms. They always ruin improv. They always ruin improv.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Well, she always, she would say, my mom's line is, I don't like that even fooling. I love that. And she had a good sense of humor, but yeah, she was always saying that to me. And I think that spurred me to go further and further and further. She's a great straight man in comedy. So that helped me. And I hope your mother's helping you in your comedy pursuits.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes, I understand. Your mom helped you so much with your comedy that you're an engineer. So that's all I have to say to you about your mother. It's her fault. You'd be playing Vegas right now. You'd be in the biggest rooms in Vegas. I would. Oh no, your mom had to get in there and go, that's not true. You're from Toronto. Yeah, it's true. I love, I do love Canada. I've had a very good time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I love myself a Tim Hortons. Yeah. I love a Tim Hortons donut and a cup of coffee.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yeah. Oh, a double, double. And then I get on the hockey rink and I beat someone to death. It's a good time. I really enjoy myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
What? What is she saying now? Is your mother just spout things in the corner throughout your life?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, shooting a travel episode in Spain. And I got a call and I called you. And I said, I'll do it, but you got to be on board. I just laughed really hard. You laughed really hard for a long time when you said, I just got a call.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
it was this week yeah i have been i have been i refuse to i mean we finished it's now friday we did sunday night was the show and it's been my wife is just i i'm i am horizontal all the time i'm glad i know oscar can't be but she doesn't like you horizontal yeah i never has uh The response was really lovely. But the thing I keep going back to is the lighting. The lighting is insane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It's the best lighting I've ever had. It's the best lighting I ever will have. And it's Bobby Dickinson and Noah Mintz. And they... They were like looking at my face and touching little dials and adjusting things during the rehearsals. And they also adjusted my face manually. But I swear to God, I looked at myself in a monitor at one point in rehearsal and I'm like, who's that guy? It's not me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I know online people were speculating, you know, did Conan get some work done or something? He's like, it's called lighting. It's called lighting, which by the way, if you've checked out the podcast, this is not Oscar lighting. And also we do these travel shows and I'm always, my brand of comedy has always been, hey, this could be really funny. Let's just go do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And we shoot it with no thought towards lighting or I'll run into a 7-Eleven and do something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It's a documentary cruise style as if it were a war zone. Right. So I always look like... I always look like, you know, a toy that a dog got ahold of and chewed up. And then suddenly I step out there and hit my mark and I'm a 19 year old girl. You looked great. And then I step out of it. It's like, oh, the old pumpkin's back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You were in the audience. Yeah, what was it like in the audience? Were you scared for me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Wait, your seats were much better than I said they should. These are not the seats.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And also, if you leave this seat, someone's gonna take it from you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Oprah! That is a role behind us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Oprah Winfrey had to look through your big hair to try and see who had won an Oscar.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I've introduced Erica Brown to former first lady Michelle Obama twice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Well, she has trap doors installed. Yes. Before she goes, people show up and install trap doors. She helped design it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was fun. It was a lot of fun. It was to have also to have an orchestra. You get spoiled between the lighting and an orchestra.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Is it just- That is the joke. Well, no, anything I'm doing, we wrote. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
No, they have a great, they have a very good team. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, and so... Zach Galifianakis did that very joke in one of the clubs I was in. Oh, sorry. It's okay, it's okay. I just want to make sure that he doesn't think we ripped him off. Yeah, I have to say that was a... That was a highlight, probably, in a long career. That was just so... Oh, yeah. It was so fun. But I just was thinking, the lighting is amazing. There's this orchestra.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was as if I had got a call that said, we want you to be the new Miss America. Right, exactly. It was that random and from left field. I would have laughed less. I said yes. And then we quickly had to go and tape. HBO Max very kindly said, okay, you're supposed to finish this travel season. So yes, go host the Oscars, but can you knock this other travel show off very quickly?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Everyone in the crowd's wearing a tuxedo. I mean, you hosted the Emmys twice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You get intense. You get intense beforehand.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Because then you know people are watching, like, whatever, Around the World or something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
No, it is a machine. My experience of it was that the way they have it set up is... the winners drift off stage right, and they're taken into a whole, you know, it's like a digestive system. It's like they're taken through- The press.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
They're taken through the winner's walk, then they're taken right into a press, there's a quick, I think, glam shots, then they're taken into the press room, then they're taken this way. And I'm on the other side, mostly, I'm either going descent, but I'm always coming off from stage left. So I'm coming out to either my mark on stage left or to the center.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
So there's not a lot of interaction, but every now and then you'd have this amazing moment. And the one for me was I'm backstage and I'm watching the monitor, because you're just watching the monitor in between. I'll go and talk to the writers and we'll think what could be a funny idea, what could be a funny thing we could say here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
We were constantly trying to think of what's something that could come up What's happening in the show and what can we comment on? But every now and then there's not much to do. We know which the next joke is. It's not for 10 more minutes. So I'm sitting there, stage left, and I'm looking at my monitor and I'm just aware of like a presence to my left.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I kind of just look over and it's this guy. And I immediately see that it's Mick Jagger. Who I've never met. And Mick Jagger looks at me and he starts nudging me. And in kind of a comic American voice, he's like, hey, hey, how's the crowd? How's the crowd?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
How are they? How are they? And I said, crowd's really good, because they were. I said, it's a good crowd. And I said, but you don't have to worry about that, because you're Mick Jagger. And he went, oh, no, no, I'm not going to try and do a Mick Jagger. But he said, I always worry about the crowd. And I said, wait a minute.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
So you're with the Rolling Stones and you're in Buenos Aires and you're getting ready to come out and start the show and you're gonna start off with satisfaction and you're anxious that the crowd isn't gonna be good. And he said, oh no, definitely, I wear an earpiece. And I listened to the crowd and sometimes I can tell the crowd isn't quite there yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I have to give it a little extra upfront. And I was so relieved because I realized obviously he's, 35 levels beyond me, but nothing ever goes away. Meaning I've had many people give me a hard time because I'm at a small gathering and I'm supposed to get up and give a toast and Liza can tell I'm anxious and I'm getting worked up and I'm looking around the room to see, is this a good room?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And she's like, it's a dinner party. What are you doing? And I'm like, it's just never goes away. You're always worried about that stuff. And to hear that Mick Jagger, who's I believe 81, The front man for the Rolling Stones is asking people, asking me, how's the crowd? You think I'll be all right out there? I don't know. It's going to be touch and go for you, Mick. House of lighting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But he, I mean, I was kind of intimidated because I didn't know what he would be like. He was incredibly nice. He said to me at one point, oh, and by the way, we've never met. And I'm like, he? How do you know you've never met me? Isn't your life just a blur of occasionally an orange person comes by? He was lovely. He was great and funny and thoughtful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Squeeze it in quickly. So we immediately dashed to Austria. and we're shooting a show in Austria when I get the call that my father had passed away. So I rush home. And then while I'm home, I see that my mom is going too, and she went three days later. And that was an experience that was very intense. And a bunch of you were very kindly flew out for that, which blew my mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I had a great exchange with him. And then I knew... I need to end this. Like, don't hang on too long. So I said, well, anyway, wonderful, lovely. It was very nice to meet you too. And I walk away and I think Ruthie has me walking away from him. And I saw that Ruthie was filming it and I just walk up and go like, okay, that just fucking blew my mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, there was a moment that I was happy about, which is we're. If we're backstage, but it's very just before the show, and we see Timmy Chalamet coming in, and he's wearing a bright, bright yellow outfit. It was a red carpet coverage. Red carpet coverage, and he's wearing this suit that's just bright, bright. Like creamsicle. Creamsicle yellow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I said, well, he won't get hit driving his bike at night. And people around me were like, that's funny. And so I just kept it in my head and I walked out there and it was one of the first things I said, like, hey, it's Timmy Chalamet. Hey, you won't get hit on your bike. People were like, ha ha ha. And I'm like, that's not even on a prompter. But it was just kind of,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was a nice feeling to feel like it is the same thing as you can just think of something and say it, and this giant important room, if it's okay, they'll laugh at it. It doesn't not all have to come through this huge process of agony.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was a really fun night. And I have to say lots of thanks and gratitude to ABC Academy. They really did, and the producers, Raj and Katie, they made... They took really good care of us, and they seemed to know that, yeah, this needs to be what Conan wants it to be. It's got to be in his voice. They were very good about that. Everyone was very supportive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, Michael Bearden was great, and that's a guy that worked with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson. I mean, the list of people he's worked with is insane. So I had huge moments of inadequacy saying, yeah, I want to sing this song, and he would sit down at the piano and start, and we'd be like making it up and thinking... I'd rather be working with a real musician.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
He would transpose the key on the spot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, D flat. It sounds like you're a D flat. But there were so many fun things. The sensibility has always been we love puppets and silliness. So we got obsessed with Sandworm. We early on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Oh, and then there was one idea where the sandworm comes out with an envelope. And we were like, no, how are we going to get, it's not going to move.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And it was going to have lines. And so there was just, there's a whole, there's a whole lifeline to these things. There's a whole evolution. And then finally it became clear, Sandworm needs to be in the orchestra and needs to have gone to the Berklee School of Music.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was a guy who does creature acting. But also, crucially, from our team, the gentleman, the artist who dresses me and who, Scott Cronick, who's been with me for years, who I married. You married on television. On television. In New York. He and his partner in New York. You officiated the wedding. Is that right? You're not married to him. But I also was married to him for a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I still thank you for that. That means the world to me. Of course. Eduardo, a no-show. It was duly noted, Eduardo. Yeah. I called for you during the eulogy. We all went around. I said, and of course, Eduardo, Eduardo! Right. Eduardo!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And then Liza found out and the whole thing went south. That enhanced your own marriage. Exactly. But he built the Sandworm and... In three days. He built it in three days. And so it was behind the harp, but then we had different ideas for who should be behind the piano and it wasn't quite working out. We couldn't quite figure it out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And then finally it occurred to us, the sandworm should be the person on the piano. And then the sandworm can show up again on the harp as a callback. That happened the day before the Oscars, we realized. I think it was the day before. It was that Friday.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was that Friday that, yes, Sandworm should come out on the piano first and then show up later on on the harp because he's a multi-instrumentalist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I was like, okay. But Scott Cronick designed the costume. And then at the end of the show, before the show was even over, I think someone from the Academy said, we'd like to keep the sandworm. Because they have a museum. So I don't know if it's ever going to happen, but if you go to the Academy Museum, you can see the shark from Jaws.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You know, you can see the snow globe from Citizen Kane and, oh, there's Sandworm. There's Sandworm from the 97th Oscars, ruining the museum, dragging it all down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
A reason I'll never get a package again. Bezos is probably like, see to it he never gets a package again. He's petting a white cat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, Eduardo, sure, sure, whatever. The funeral is not properly mic'd. Yeah, he didn't... LAUGHTER Well, I'm glad you can laugh at my parents' death. No, no, I'm kidding. I'm laughing too. And they would have wanted that. Who knows? No, I don't think so.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I was so enraged when people would try to talk to me about the travel shows. Every now and then, Jeff Ross would say something like, so anyway, you know, if we do end up going to India, I'd be like, it's not about the Oscars!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Yeah, I'm a real pleasant chap. You know what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It wasn't always easy to be around Picasso.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
But boy, did he fill a lot of museums with wonderful work. That's right. Two, three, four. So Picasso and a sandworm.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Incredible. Great to have that room, that writer's room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Also to have everything humming where there's a writer's room downstairs working on the Oscars. I'd be in there joking around. Then I'd come up here and we would do a podcast. Abuse these people. Abuse you guys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
People are going to get the wrong idea about me from these jokes you're making. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anywho.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I was on my feet the whole time because I'm very hyperactive. Yeah, Jimmy's advice was sit as much as possible because it's a lot of standing and I can't sit still. Yeah. And so there's footage. I mean, I got to give a shout out since you're naming everyone you've ever met. Hey, doing an amazing job. I'm going to list the people that served in the Korean War now on the American side.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
No, but Ruthie and Samantha, who handle the social media, they did this amazing thing where they were shooting video all the time, sort of day in the life video and posting it. But there's... Not only am I not sitting down, but at one point I'm doing a Russian dance while the writers around me are chanting Conan. And the show is only half over.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I'm expending energy and doing that leg kick dance. And then it's madness. Absolute madness. But that's the world I like to live in. Anyway, it was an honor. It was a privilege. It was a thrill. And Mike Sweeney would not have happened without this man. He has his proper due. No, we'd have found someone else.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Come on, Eduardo. You're a real fit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You're Spanish killed during the... Si, es verdad. Yes. We, that was, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You're Mandarin. The key to the Mandarin was they were laughing so they couldn't hear the Mandarin. But anyway, it was, it was a real highlight, but it's also, man, it's nice to have that behind us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Well, we can't just be patting ourselves on the back here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Can I talk about this guy? What you do and what you did when you did it. Now I'll be Sebastian Maniscalco. This guy. This fucking guy.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
All right. That was our Oscars podcast. Talk down.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I had to go mourn my parents while you guys went to Vienna and shot B-roll and drank schnapps.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
We're taping this a bit earlier, several days after the show aired. So it's still fresh in our minds. And I am joined to go over this experience with my head writer of many, many, many years. Some say too many years. Too many.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
We shot something with Jordan that you haven't seen. Yeah, I'm cutting it without even seeing it. So then there's a real role here because that rolled right into Christmas, felt like days after, which rolled right into January, which rolled right into the fires. I've been living in a hotel since then. And so I remembered us noticing that the Oscars are getting closer and closer.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And because of all this madness, we haven't been able to get together in a room and get going. And so you were instrumental in putting together, I mean, some of the names were obvious because it's people you and I had worked with for a long time, but I think we put together a murderer's row of writers. Amazing.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Usually in this slot, we air a fan interaction episode, but we're not going to do that. We've had a lot of requests out there from people to talk about my recent experience hosting the Oscars. It is... It's only been about a week by the time this airs, a week or so, week and a half since I hosted the Oscars.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I would come in and it was therapy for me because I would come in and
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
uh anyone who knows me knows that i i'm like a fish in water in tropical water when i'm in a writer's room i'm just so happy to be around writers and uh to be joking around usually riffing on things that could never make it into an oscar show and there was plenty of that yes but uh and that was a good shorthand to bring this crew back that had already written for you so that yes they knew they knew my style and also just goofing around like yeah you know it was just an instant
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Brian Kiley, Matt O'Brien, Laurie Kilmartin. Dan Cronin. Dan Cronin.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Kiley Kama. Oh, and Scott Gairdner came in to help shoot some of the amazing... He's amazing, and he helped give a great look to some of the things that we wanted to do.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And you should see Berkley's Johnson. It's a joke I've been doing for 15 years, and it's always better. I was... it's so satisfying, but we have to tell this story. Skylar Higley wrote the Drake joke. Halftime. The halftime joke.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Mike Sweeney. Mike Sweeney has been with me almost since the very beginning of my late night show. He waited a little bit to see if it would survive or not. And then when he saw that it was probably going to make it, he came aboard. So he is a coward. I am. You should have led with the coward part.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
For halfway through the Oscars, which means it's time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile. And he wrote that joke, and... um today i was uh i mean this has happened to me a couple of times but i i walked to some store this morning to get a cup of coffee and this young black gentleman came up to me and went conan i gotta ask you did you write that
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
that joke about Drake, and I said, I did not. That is the handiwork of Skylar Higley, and I gotta give it up. I'm not that well-versed in the rap battles, but I got major props from this gentleman. Excellent. But we... started working and then just generating ideas.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It's the same thing we've done back when we would do Emmy shows or any kind of Comic-Con shows, which is just generate thousands of ideas and throw most of them out.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
It was the idea that I'm going to, oh, Conan's now going to goof on all the movies.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And so it starts with me, and I'm all green in Wicked, finishing Defying Gravity or one of those songs, and I finish it, and then you see you cut to the next thing, which is Gladiator, and clang, clang, clang with swords, and then you see that I'm a gladiator, but then you notice that I'm still green.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And then you go on to conclave and you see people voting with their ballots and then one of the hands is still green. And then you cut to me in Dune and one of the characters, Javier Bardem is saying, I can't hear you because they all wear those masks in the sand. Take it off, take it off. And I finally take it off. what's your problem, man? And I take it off and I'm green.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And he's like, what the hell, man? Did you start this with Wicked? And I went, yeah, and this stuff doesn't come off. And the whole thing is that the dye wouldn't come off and we had to shoot it all in one day. And it was kind of a conceptual idea, which we were, but we thought, oh, this is,
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
We can carry this through the whole thing where then all the characters in every movie that I've inhabited are laughing at me and giving me a hard time because I started out as green. Including Nosferatu. They're all piling up on you. Nosferatu. They're all piling on me like, you don't start with green. Everyone knows that stuff doesn't... Everyone knows that stuff doesn't come off. Right.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You shoot the wicked at the end. I know, but we had one day and no one told me. That's a good Bill Skarsgård. Thank you. So we thought that that was... We were like, oh yeah, this is the idea. And then we realized this is so complicated to shoot and it takes so many different setups and started to kind of fall out of... Well, it was more... But also then the Oscars...
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Mike Sweeney has been with me for a long time. 30 years. 30 years. 11 of them quite pleasant. And we worked together on the Oscars along with Jeff Ross. And Mike Sweeney led the creative team. And- People seemed very happy with how it went. I had a blast doing it. And one of the reasons I think I was able to enjoy myself so much is I knew I had, we worked very hard to get material that we liked.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
I just, I mean, that visual of my hair coming out of my head was something I was obsessed with and that ended up being good. But it's one of the things you learn, which is that you constantly, it's not just, it's with monologue jokes and it's also with bits. And this is, this is more about the process. Don't fall in love with anything because also the times change.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
You know, if something is eight weeks out or nine weeks out, what's funny now isn't the story four weeks later. So, so many of the narratives kept changing with the Oscars race that, and things would seem funny now, but then not later. And then we got a lot of clarity because I started going out to different clubs. Right. And doing jokes, and I could see which ones consistently work well.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
The audiences were very nice because they would go out and say, I mean, I know Nikki Glaser does this as well, but it's a very good tool to go out and try things out with an audience. But I would say, please don't record this. And they wouldn't.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Which was really nice because all someone would have to do is put that online and you're completely screwed.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
We can't even be there when he does his because we don't want to hear something like we can't be influenced. We want to make sure there's no overlap. So... you get into this thing where then you say, okay, that show's over. I know, but this comic's out hosting the Spirit Awards. The Spirit Awards.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And they're doing the circuit and trying jokes about... So you have to wait till... And if anyone does any joke, you can't do that joke then, obviously.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
We can't, it's gone now because someone else did it. So... The whole thing was fascinating, but I have to say the real education, the real behind the scenes education was, you know, the Academy of Motion Pictures.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
They are very serious about certain things.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And we had, this real lesson in, and again, I don't fault them. I'm just, this is what they do. The Oscar, the image of Oscar is very important to them. And there'd be times where we'd be shooting bits to promote the Oscars.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
Promos to run on ABC or to go on the internet that would, you know, promote the Oscar. And I remember there was a giant Oscar statue and I shot something with it. It was really fun. And at one point I said, oh, it'd be really funny. It was about Oscar and I, the Oscar and I. sharing an apartment and we don't get along. Our marriage is crumbling. And this was actually out there.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
They ended up releasing it. And I thought it came out pretty well. But it's just a nine-foot Oscar and I bickering. And of course, the Oscar's not doing anything. It's just standing there like a statue. And I'm saying, what happened to our marriage? And we're fighting about things that couples fight about. But at one point I thought, oh, this would be really great if the Oscar was just...
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
on the couch. Let's lay it on a really big couch and I'll be vacuuming and say, could you at least lift your feet or could you at least get up and help load the dishwasher? And we wanted to do it and they just said, no, no, no, that can't happen.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And that blew my mind. Like, wow, this is like the thigh bone of St. Peter. This is a religious icon.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And I think the call came in from the Oscars in late November.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
There's rules. I didn't know. Oh, no, there's just rules. Rules. There's a lot of rules with Oscar. And then you realize, oh, this award ceremony has been around since 1929. Right. There's a lot of different sort of shorthand for what can and can't happen. But they ended up being very helpful. I want to stress that. Everyone was great. They were great. And the ABC people were fantastic.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And the producers we worked with, Raj and Katie. They were amazing. They would just make anything happen. They would just, anything we said, they would say, yes, let's, that sounds funny. Let's make it happen.
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
But it just kept getting... My experience of it was, once I said yes, I would always wake up at three in the morning and look at the ceiling and go, what?
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Conan Recaps the Oscars with Mike Sweeney
And then it takes about an hour and a half to get back to sleep. And that's just the deal. That's just what it's like.
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The Mothman Cometh
Yes. Well, you can't go wrong dumping a Guinness on anything. But yes, I remember Taco Bell, they asked me to design something, and so I went all Irish on them. And I think I had one bite and then had a massive heart attack.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
I guess Taco Bell decided not to go wide with it. But if you're ever at the Dublin Taco Bell, It's their biggest seller.
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The Mothman Cometh
And tell us, so how old are you now? How long ago did you transition?
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The Mothman Cometh
Well, they ripped me off, man. They ripped me off. You've got to make sure no one's ripping you off too. Hey, that's a good question because it sounds like you're onto a market There might be people out there that are like, hey, wait a minute. I'm glad you got the patents. That's the important thing, especially on the moth.
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The Mothman Cometh
Sam, it was very cool talking to you. You're very funny and best of luck with your business. And we're very lucky to have you as a fan.
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The Mothman Cometh
Aww! This is a biomech. Actually, that's exactly what mine looks like. Well, I'm sorry, but I was in an industrial accident when I was nine. I was in a pumpkin patch that exploded. All right, Sam, we're going to take off, but thank you so much. Take care.
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The Mothman Cometh
I was going to say, you look like you're like 22 years old. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
I was going to say, I was thinking I want to transition from a man my age to a man who's much younger. Yeah.
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The Mothman Cometh
figure it out don't we all though yeah yeah I gotta figure I gotta figure that one out too if I could figure out how to transition my joints and all of my problems oh they're gonna figure it all out have you watched the substance they've they're working on yeah Demi Moore is working very hard on this yeah it worked out great for her too yeah yeah it looked like it did to me um so Sam uh what do you uh what's your what's your what's your gig what's your job what do you do
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The Mothman Cometh
Doing great. First of all, loving the hair, Sam. Thank you. Yeah, I know.
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The Mothman Cometh
Now, I'm curious. So you were in the adult toy business before you transitioned. Is that right? Yes. I see. Okay. And then realize that, hey, wait a minute. There's a market here that's not being taken care of.
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The Mothman Cometh
I love, I'm not egotistical enough to say it's the Conan swoop, because, you know, I didn't invent it. I think Bob's big boy invented it, but looks very cool. So I'm loving that. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Sam.
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The Mothman Cometh
And then when it's ready for market, how do you get the word out?
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The Mothman Cometh
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
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The Mothman Cometh
And explain for anyone who's listening who doesn't know, including me. Exactly. The fur. What is the the furry world is like?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
uh, echelon of every, of every fandom. Yeah. Including probably team Coco.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
No, no, there's that echelon of, uh, in, in every world. You can't go. If you're a geologist, there's a not safe for work fandom. Um,
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The Mothman Cometh
So you do comedy because you have all these different worlds that you're exploring or that you're part of. And you said that you're also in the comedy world, but in the furry world as well. So do those cross over? Do you do comedy? At furry conventions?
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The Mothman Cometh
I don't know why, but I think that's a very marketable idea. Who's lying?
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The Mothman Cometh
So you're on stage doing comedy dressed as an African wild dog.
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The Mothman Cometh
There's so many. I mean, my mind is expanding in so many amazing ways. I'm still on that Mothman schlong.
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The Mothman Cometh
Yeah, you fuck a flashlight. But it's like inside is not like a...
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The Mothman Cometh
That's what a paper towel tube is for. My wife's always like, where's the tube? Why is a paper towel just everywhere?
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The Mothman Cometh
Oh, I can make them last. You just got to shellac them first and bake them in the sun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
Wow. So you have excellent comedy taste and you're considerate. That's a great combination.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
Wow, my marriage is over now. You're gonna see me walking alone down the highway with a suitcase. And a paper towel too. No, no, no, you open the suitcase and 15 paper towel holders fall out. Oh my God, this thing is broken. This thing is broken. So, all right, I'm picturing you doing improv or stand up on stage dressed as an African wild dog.
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The Mothman Cometh
That must be a little challenging because it's hard enough to do improv, but when you're dressed as a furry animal, that's gotta be really challenging.
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The Mothman Cometh
I love how delicate you were about, oh, and it's, I don't know how else to say this. You just showed us nine different products. It would get me arrested in any airport.
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The Mothman Cometh
They probably think they're staplers or something. Exotic staplers. Katinka, Katinka, Katinka. Hey, I got this new paperweight. You mean the Mothman? I have a paperweight and look, I have a stapler that looks like... As you would call it, a clam. Yes.
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The Mothman Cometh
Listen, you've expanded my mind in wonderful ways. And this is an impressive business that you've got going here. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
Do you have a factory? Where's the actual production done?
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The Mothman Cometh
And there's no like, there's no, I mean, I'm thinking there's chemicals then in your basement. You would hate there to be, there's never could be an explosion or anything because you don't want these things raining down in the neighborhood.
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The Mothman Cometh
We do have a- Ka-blam! And I'm just picturing them coming down like missiles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
Out of control. This is an out of control interview. I blame you, Sam. This is your fault. You know, you took a very serious, sober podcast. Oh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
Very serious. We're very dramatic. Did Sam have a question for me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Mothman Cometh
Oh, that's right. I think I did a remote once. Did I do a remote once?
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The Mothman Cometh
I have to say, and we are not sponsored by Taco Bell or anything, but man, that was delicious. What was in it? Do you remember? I'm trying to remember. It was delicious.
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You Are So President Taft
Maybe we can work together. I have my ways. I tend to win people over. Sonia, you've seen me in action.
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You Are So President Taft
I don't think there are that many, but yeah. Yeah.
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You Are So President Taft
Not so big. Just people that had slight hesitation and they overcame it. Quite a few people. Not a lot. A lot of people. Not big naysayers. Eloise, are there any events that we would go to together? Are there any events in the trans community that I could participate in?
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You Are So President Taft
Sure. I was just hoping at one point there's alcohol involved. you know, going to a club or something. But yes, I like those. I think what you're doing sounds very cool and very healthy. But at some point, I want to hit the dance floor. Do you understand? You've got to see my moves to believe them, Eloise. You've got to see them.
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You Are So President Taft
Yes. Yes. That's not necessarily a brag. Unless my demands are met, Eloise. Unless there's a suitcase full of cash in this podcast office tomorrow, you will see me dance. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
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You Are So President Taft
The clock is ticking. Well, Eloise, it was a good way. Eloise, it was very nice talking to you. And you are very funny. You seem very funny and very cool. And I do believe you're a healer because I've had fun talking to you. And you have healed me. So what do you think of that? That's great. Yeah.
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You Are So President Taft
All right. I'll get it to you. Thank you, Eloise. Nice talking to you. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks, guys.
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You Are So President Taft
Wow. Pizza is the great unifier of everything you just said. So you are very active in the trans community. You have lots of get togethers. What kinds of things do you like to do with your friends who are trans? What kind of, you know, do you have parties? Do you have, what do you do?
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You Are So President Taft
Yeah, I would like to join you because I'm told I'm weird, you know, part of my life story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. Well, all right. Well then there's work to be done. That's why I'm here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
My mission has always been to expand my presence in the LGBTQ community in the Philippines. Very specifically. I said that in 1963, the year I was born. I remember.
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You Are So President Taft
Wow, you have a time machine, apparently. Yeah. Well, would I get along? Would I fit in with everybody? I'm a pretty friendly person. Would they accept me? I guess that's the big question. Would your friends accept me?
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You Are So President Taft
This isn't going well, Eloise. Eloise, I'm not getting good signals, Eloise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. Well, you're talking to myself, Matt, Sona, the gang. Hi. And tell me, I don't know much. Tell me where are you right now? Who are you? Tell us the whole story.
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You Are So President Taft
Oh, I think so. Yeah. Your friends are picking up when I'm laying down is what you're saying.
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You Are So President Taft
I always thought that Calvin Coolidge was huge in the trans community in the Philippines. Yeah. That was my understanding. Not so much President Taft. I get it.
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You Are So President Taft
Okay, I'll double down on Johnson. Okay. Well, okay, so you say that... Let's say I came to Manila, and let's say that you and I were to meet, and you were going to take me out for a night with your friends in the trans community. What would we be doing?
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You Are So President Taft
Yes, I want to blend in very much. I want to be considered a chill guy when I go out on the town with you and your friends in the trans community. So tell me, what are the things I should know?
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You Are So President Taft
I see what you're saying, though. It probably has to be a reality TV show, right? That's better. It could be a reality. Like, right now, Eloise, you're totally giving me, you know, season six, Love Island, episode three, uh... Cheetah. I just made all that all up.
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You Are So President Taft
You know what? Yeah, because I was too deliberate about it. Yes. You got to just toss it off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay, you are just right now. You know what? I don't need this from you. You are so President Taft and selling the OC. I don't need this right now. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I've heard that before. That's a compliment. Eloise, this is a big help. You're helping me. This is good. I think you are a hero. I think I have to learn more about reality shows.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
What are the popular reality shows so I can just toss them off? Oh, Love is Blind. Love is Blind. All right.
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You Are So President Taft
Yeah. But is there a city that because is there a real housewives?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I call I'm going to go with Atlanta. I'm going to call it Hotlanta.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow. That's fantastic. And you say you're a healer as well. So you can help people. Maybe you could help me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I don't know. Eloise, you're totally giving me, um, uh, uh, It's going well. It's going well, buddy. Keep it up. You got it. I don't watch these shows. You can use any reference.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, yeah. A little Teresa, season four, Real Housewives of New Jersey, much Eloise. Does that work? Yeah. Slay? It sounds a little like an insult, but I'll take it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, that's too obvious. You got to pick up someone obscure. More obscure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Svensson. What? He's the accountant on the show. I'm going to do the best I can, though, to learn more about reality TV. I'm going to say slay a lot. What else would we do?
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You Are So President Taft
Yeah, I got news for you. I think you'd make a really good- I got news for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I think I have a much better chance in the trans community. I really do. I think I have a better chance than becoming an elite athlete. I just, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That dog in you? I'm an old, old fellow. And the other day I got out of bed quickly and my left leg fell off. And I used electrical tape to put it back on. And so that's what I'm concerned about is pieces of my body coming off in the Philippines, you know?
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You Are So President Taft
There you go. That's why I know that. See? What? It doesn't matter where you get the knowledge as long as you have the knowledge. I just shouldn't reveal that, right? Right now you're being so Winston Bufferman on American Roadshow. with his collection of pneumatic tubes that he sold.
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You Are So President Taft
Who do you need help with? I was hoping you would know. I have some guesses. I think that would be rude. Well, you live in Manila and tell me just a little bit about your life. What do you like to do? How do you have fun?
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You Are So President Taft
Yeah, it's just incredible, right? Yeah. You are such a Walt Kellerman from American Pickers season four. Oh my God. Oh, American Pickers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
You can slay with a docuseries. Eloise, can you slay with docuseries?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Hold on. I got RuPaul on the line now. What's that? Oh, quick no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Invisible phone, everybody. And I hang that up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
After what you've heard today, do you want me to come visit you? And you're allowed to say no, you've changed your mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I think that might scare people. Yeah, probably, yeah. Well, I admire your honesty. I really do. I try. I appreciate that. Can I ask you a question? You've mentioned autism also during this interview. Are you autistic?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That's funny, that was my sound reaction. Yeah, what if he sees the real me? What if he's right? I can see, yeah, it's different. I'm not for everyone, and that's always the way it's been.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I'm going to win him over. I was pretending to be okay with your dad not liking me, but this is odd.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I'm obsessed now. What would you do? What would I do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Well, first of all, I'd be very respectful and kind to him. So respectful and kind that he would see that I'm not rude. Then I. So hilarious. Yeah. And then I would probably bring him some gifts. And. What would you bring him? Oh, well, what is your, what is your dad like? Pork. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Goes right in the overhead compartment. So I would wrap some pork in newspaper. Just a full pig. Put it in the overhead compartment and fly. I think it's probably a pretty quick flight from LA to Manila. and then get in a cab in the hot sun and take this rotten, fetid pork to your father and say, hey, you're the guy that thought I was rude. Have this rotting pork.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
And then I think we'd be best buddies. Don't you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
But yeah, you know what? Give it a try. You are so season three American botulism. So I can't believe that got three seasons.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah. It's going to be great. It's going to be full of great. No, but I mean, you know, cookies and yummy snacks. Eduardo, jump in here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
And guess what? Now I don't have to see it. You just totally ruined the whole movie. That's how the movie opens. The movie opens with that? It's the best opening of the movie ever. I watch most movies thinking, I wonder if anyone gets bisected by a cable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
They do. That's a myth. You all think because we have these amazing bodies, and I see the way you guys look at me, that with total disdain. Yes, that's what I meant. But there's a misconception. No, I mean, some of these guests, like Cher, might really wish that someone would offer her some Oreos just once instead of putting out some dried papaya goo that she can spread on her gums.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
She was booked, and then the fires broke out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
As if it wasn't hard enough for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Well, we had a basket ready for her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah, it was filled with some of the worst shit anyone's ever eaten. It was a basket full of hush.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Hey, do we ever give them like, is there a Conan O'Brien needs a friend hat or something? That's smart. For sure. Well, guess what? Guess what? I'm going to tell you something. It's very smart. I'm sure other podcasts give you swag. I know there are late night shows. We would do it on a late night show. You give a celebrity a t-shirt, they wear it, and then they're out at St. Bart's.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Beyonce is walking around wearing a t-shirt that says, I love Conan. And people from paparazzi take a picture and they go like, wow, Conan's cool. Hello? Did I lose you guys? Sorry. What are you guys doing? Why are you signaling each other? I don't know what's happening. Blay, what's happening?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, I didn't realize that you're the Toscanini of this opera. No, I'm not. I didn't realize you had the baton.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I go as long as I want. That's right. When I sense that we've hit oil, I keep drilling, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Put the heat on black. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
You know what? We gave them this amazing popcorn that comes from Chicago. And it's a cheddar, but it's like it's made of molten cheddar. It was so good. What about a seaweed popcorn? No!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
And what happens? The boat goes underneath the cable?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
No. Listen, stop. I know that you want to live to be 250 and be in terrible pain at the end of your life. But what are you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Stop giving them free advertising. We do not want that company to flourish in the future.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Listen, this was a different time. Okay. Erin, we were a television show. That's right. With a certain budget. Now we're a bunch of people hovered around one microphone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
uh hiding from the rain so um no we're we're not going to start having caviar and roasted ham out there but i think we can do better than what we're doing and and and maddie what here's your hayley beaver smoothie yeah perfect oh and good my metal spoon
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I'm not saying. Listen, I am at the top of the top of the Hollywood pyramid, okay? Because I have a Hailey Bieber smoothie. It was just brought to me. Probably is a bit, but I'm going to enjoy it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
It tastes like beauty. Okay. It tastes like youth. It tastes like fame. It tastes like all good things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Available at Air One. And they're only $700 a pop. And you have to bring a, you have to have a cosigner for the loan. I'm going to sign off. And listen, Maddie, I want to end on a positive note, which is I really think I'm a great podcaster. And I think I'm a pretty good-looking guy. I can't come up with something positive about you. No, you are fantastic. You do a great job. We all love you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Now, these drop, that's what the kids say, on Wednesdays. Thursdays. What's that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
You know what? This is proof that I don't run a tight ship. Because I just let you bibble and babble on about ghost ship and you use the word bisect like nine times.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
We cherish you. I think something went very wrong. I think you're angry about something. It's reflected in this gift basket, which is a tragedy. It's a crime. But I think it's easily fixed. But other than that, let me tell you, we are very lucky to have you. Okay? Thank you so much. We love you. You're very funny, very creative. She's a very funny person.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
No, no, no. Snacks are, there we go. Oh, you dick.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah. That's really messed up. No, no, not to those chips. That actually improved those chips. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, guess what? Guess what? Here's what we should do. I'm smashing up all the snacks, and then see if Carol Ifra notices. Let's see if she does. Here, I'm going to spit in this one. No. No, I'm not going to do that. Because you know I like it. I like. I'm not going to do that. We'll get her some. But seriously, let's up the game a little bit and give people, I'd say, a little bit of a mixture.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Absolutely no seaweed. No mushroom jerky. Okay. Throw a couple of Oreos in there. But you can still have your gluten-free glim-glams and glam-glams. Okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I think it's been very informative. And I think I had a little bit of... My Erewhon Hailey Bieber smoothie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah. Okay, you went too far.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
It's red. Yeah, okay. Look at the bottom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
That's her spleen. That's her spleen. Yeah, she really gave of herself to make this movie. Thanks, Hailey. Peace out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I think these fucking elves should get their asses in here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
You know what? If I ran the North Pole, those toys would get out on time. There wouldn't be any complaints. Most kids would get coal, even the good kids. And by the way, coal is worth more, you know, these days. It's true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
What are you talking about? Coal? Yeah, coal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
It's a source of petrol. Anyhoots, I had a purpose in doing this, which is I've been irritated by something recently. I've noticed that there's a flaw in our system, okay? When we have guests on the show, and we have some pretty big names come here, we do a very nice thing, which is we put out this basket of treats for them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Lately, I've been looking, and there's a nice little sign on the basket of treats that says, welcome, and then celebrity. That's very thoughtful. Yeah, it is very sweet. If Will Ferrell's here, it's like, welcome, Will. Whatever, it's a nice thing. It's very friendly. And it's all put together by Maddie Ogden, who's our talent coordinator.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
And she does a great job of making sure that everyone's very well taken care of. But lately, I've been just looking at the basket, and the basket is an abomination. Yeah. I mean, it's a crime. It is packed with all this aggressively healthy eco snacks. And I, first of all, I'm noticing not a lot of people are taking the baskets. I don't think anybody takes the baskets.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
And it used to be filled with really fun things, like, oh, a chocolate-covered pretzel, and here's some raisinets, and here's some this and that. Lately, I don't know what's going on, but I want to get Maddie Ogden in here if she's in the building. Wow. Disagree.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, I don't get out much. Do you go out to get your podcast? Is that what you do? We're doing something a little different today. Sometimes in this slot, I talk to a fan, but we had a different notion in mind. In fact, I did. Yeah, this is you. This is me. This comes from me. You know I like to run a tight ship. I like to make sure that, no, I'm serious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah, I have some exhibits here. So let's get Maddie here. Maddie, I hope. Come on in, Maddie. Maddie! Maddie!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah, we do. We really do. Well, a lot of good they'll do you because they don't carry the weight that I have. Maddie, one of the things that I've noticed recently is that, and I guess you choose these snacks, is that it got aggressive. It got real aggressive. For example, I'm going to put on the old specs here. Gimme roasted seaweed snacks. Toasted sesame roasted to light crispy perfection.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
So literally shit that washes up on the beach. and dries, you're giving two. What's more, there's two of them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, in case you finish one. Different flavors. No, no. One is toasted sesame, the other's teriyaki. Yeah. Why don't you throw some barnacles in here while you're at it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Werner Herzog is also a pain artist. Werner Herzog is someone who loves going into the South African jungle and like almost dying. He's someone who loves... dying and death and madness. He's a guy who's famously almost killed people he's worked with and has almost died himself making his movies. So don't say Werner Herzog loves it. That's like, oh, the Addams family loves this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, here's more. There's Tempura Seaweed Snacks by Nora. I don't even know. And it's a weird shape. It looks like a satanic shape.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah. Who's Nora? This does not look good. This does not look good. Oh, and there's something else. There's one thing that isn't in here that was in here for a while, and I think you got scared and stopped because you noticed that I was complaining, which is mushroom jerky.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Why were you putting mushroom jerky? I would, if you put a 44 Magnum to my skull, I would not take a bite of mushroom jerky. And you were handing it to our guests? And then you wonder why suddenly all the A-listers dropped out? Where do you even get mushroom jerky?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Well, I'm on Bill's side. Bill's a valued guest. Let's see what else we got here. Island style. Let's think like, oh, good. I guess these are potato chips.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah, Rusty's chips. They're island style. That doesn't look like any potato chip I've ever seen in my life. It looks good, though.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
No, it says no trans fats, no saturated fat, no cholesterol. Oh, and here it says no joy. Oh. Now joy free. Good job, Rusty. You took everyone's favorite unhealthy snack and turned it into something nobody wants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
OK, if you're going to work in your little political jabs, you know, I didn't realize. Oh, here's some good crunchy giant Inca corn. And there's a picture of a female athlete climbing up the side of- Oh, I thought you were gonna say a female something else. Corn nuts? No, they're not corn nuts. It's crunchy giant ink of corn.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I'm at the helm of a powerful company, an industry really, Team Coco. And I am constantly looking for ways to improve the efficiency. I'm kind of Muskian, almost. No. Did I go the wrong way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll think of a better way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
No, no, no, no. That's their choice. This is our gift to them. So if you gift somebody, what are you eating over there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, you found the one thing that was edible in there. Oh, good. Go crazy with banana. Two grams of sugar. All natural banana walnuts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Do you realize she's homeless? Sarah Silverman is homeless. When we found her for the podcast, she was reaching into a garbage can to eat half a hot dog. And I said, you want to come do the podcast? And she said, is there anything there to eat? I'll eat anything. And I said, would you eat banana walnuts? And she said, yeah, I guess so. I'm so cold and so hungry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
So, I mean, this is a war crime, what's going on here. GFB, Gluten Free Brothers. Oh, I love the Gluten Free Brothers. When I want to have a good time, I hang with the gluten-free. Hey, are the gluten-free brothers in town? Let's have a party. Did something happen to you as a child? Is this, are you angry about something? What's going on? Why would you do this to people?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Like, I think you just want, like... Would you guys admit, anybody, does anybody see kind of what I'm saying? Eduardo, would you like to speak up?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Listen, listen, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, I don't want you... I don't want you at all to be on the, I don't want you to all be at all be on the defensive. Okay. But if, but listen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I don't know why you're being so defensive. By the way, let's continue with the Nuremberg trial. Maddie, if snacks are your love language, you are filled with hate. This is just awful what you're doing. And yes, I agree with you that I understand your tactic, that yes, would you, you're just chomping away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, I can't see them. Thank you, Sona.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Yeah, I knocked out both gluten-free brothers with one mighty backhanded blow. Oh my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Here, have some teriyaki chips. Why don't you eat this highlighter while you're at it? I hear it's free of electrolytes. Maddie. Yes, yes. Here's the problem. Yes, you have identified a real problem, which is that this little podcast studio that we run, this Team Coco world, is just a ship filled with rats that need to be bisected, by the way. And it's sad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Okay, okay. Okay, that was the wrong way to go. I think of myself as sort of... And it was Santa, Santa walking through the workshop, making sure that all of the elves are hard at work making the toys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
It's sad that when you put out some snacks, all these well-paid employees... hover around and jump on them and then just start gobbling them. They're rodents. Everyone who works here is a rodent.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
But they're in a basket that says, this is for Woody Harrelson. And then when you see a basket that says, food for Woody Harrelson or welcome Harrison Ford, a well-educated, nice, well-bred person doesn't jump on it and start snarfing it down, especially when an icon's coming up the stairs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I've been looking. You realize mushroom jerky isn't even manufactured. It's a byproduct of other food that went bad. It's other food that went bad and turned into mushroom jerky. And then they just put a package around that. That's what mushroom jerky is. I'm going to tell you this right now. This has got to stop. We've got to stop. And I have your back. If...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
These rodents, these rats are getting into the snacks. See, what you're doing is, oh, I don't, there's this food and I don't want these dogs to eat the food that I'm gonna put out, so I'm gonna pour kerosene all over it. And then you're shocked that people come to your nice brunch and no one's eating the food. And you're saying, well, what's the problem? Well, it tastes like kerosene.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
I know, I put kerosene on it to keep the dogs away. What's your problem? Well, that's essentially what you're doing. Mushroom jerky, you know, these gum gum chips, tempura-flavored chip chops, Inca corn that looks like a vag. You know, you've got the gluten-free brothers. You've got... mushroom, you know, jerky. It's just a mess. It's a mess and it's got to stop. People want Doritos.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
They want Oreos. They want food that's good for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, come on. I'm not kidding. This tastes like the ocean. The last time I had this taste in my mouth was when I almost drowned in summer camp, Craggett Mountain Farm, 1975. Oh, man. That's just, this is awful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Get this out of my mouth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
You do not like that snack.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Seaweed's good for you. An octopi wouldn't have that. That's more than one octopus.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, here's good. You decided to get some jerky, but don't worry. It's grass-fed and finished. Zero sugar. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
This is bullshit alley.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Those are terrible. That's terrible. It tastes like seaweed. You know what? When I was a kid strolling the beach, I never once was like, hmm, look at that seaweed on the sand and then started chomping away. Macadamia, that's the worst of the nuts. I'm sorry it is. Apologies to Hawaii, but you guys really blew it with the macadamia. You've got some mints here. That's good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Oh, I see you put a lot of mints in here to get the seaweed taste out of your mouth. That's why they're there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
It's Dr. O'Brien. Dr. O'Brien, sir. I'm a PhD in nonsensology.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
Maddie, you don't want to be thinking about me because I am someone who's filled with a lot of self-loathing. And when I approach a gig like the Oscars, I start – I get nervous. I get intense. I just eat protein bars. I drink a lot of water. I drink – It's bad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden
No, I'm saying, I'm telling you, this isn't supposed to be, I'm saying you shouldn't be catering to me because I don't have joy in my life. I've removed joy in my life so that I can bring joy to others in a selfless way. Good mint. Don't go by me. Okay. But go by like, You should call one of my brothers. Okay. Actually, call my brother Neil and find out what to put in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
People will think, yeah, what happened to Christina Ricci?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I'm not sure. That's such a... So morbid. That's so morbid. But these are... But also, I get it. I understand what you're doing because I have a very dark streak, very dark streak, and people think that I'm being morbid. And I think, no, I'm actually... It's practical. Yeah. And it's also, I find it freeing to think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And Sona, I don't know what you do, but somehow you get paid more than you ever were paid before. But anyway, who can understand how this company works? I don't know who's in charge. So you're sitting in, but then we're about to record, and a bunch of people I don't even know come out of the house, the house, the studio, and they say, the camera's down. Conan's camera's down. People were...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I've had this conversation with a bunch of my friends that I find it very freeing to think that I don't really matter and that I'm here and that I'm not here. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
So this is what the Hollywood Walk of Fame means to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah, exactly. That seems... Also, we all know apes will rule the earth by then. Well, the other thing I was thinking, too... We'll have gotten rid of all human, you know, remnants of our society.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Wait a minute. I love that they're going to expand the freeway and take out a huge set. They're going to take out 900 stars. There goes Clark Cable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Can I just say, I was offered a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and I said, that's really great. Where is it going to be? And they said, the Channel Islands. They said, it's a weird adjunct. You have to take a boat to get there. And I said, who else is there? And they named one Muppet that never made it. His name was Snaffles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah. He's made of three socks and he was a big bomb in 1971. Just roll with it, Sona. Just roll with it. I've been drinking.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I just wanted to interject. And is this a bar that you've both been to?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
scrambling around because this can also be seen on the YouTube.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Sona, two kids now and she's reformed her ways. But man, well, you you lived quite the life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
We're testing your blood right now to see how much you've enjoyed yourself. How much enjoyment you have. You're under arrest for too much enjoyment.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I know that I have this long distance view of it, but you just seem to have handled fame at a young age in sort of a very classy way. And that's at least how it appears to me. I've actually thought
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
The YouTube. Well, on the various YouTubes. Yes, YouTube. Feel free to jump in at any time there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I've thought about this a lot, which is I'm not a big drug person, meaning really not at all, but I've long held that probably the most powerful drug in the world is fame, and letting kids have access to it is very, I have very mixed feelings about it. It's such a powerful thing, and it often doesn't go well. You being famous at 14, 15, 16, that's gotta have been something to navigate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
No, no. And don't feel like I just shamed you. You're allowed to jump in whenever you want. Yeah. Just make sure it's valuable. So there's video. My camera's down. My camera's usually right across from me that way. But now my camera's way over to this side. And I have to twerk my whole body to see my camera and put those blue peepers. Into the everlasting light.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah. So the paparazzi thing, did that freak you out when you were young?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Well, I also think this is something that I don't take into account, which is I am very – I don't ever feel threatened physically by people around because I'm 6'4 and a guy. And I just don't even think about it. I'm very physical myself, meaning like I don't – I'm not afraid to – shake hands with strangers or whatever, mix it up a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
But I'm constantly reminded that if you're not my size and if you're a woman, especially if you're a young woman, it's a completely different feeling when people are around and it's not welcome. And it's probably sets off all kinds of different alarms, whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You maced me when I came in to say hello to you at the podcast. And you kept doing, and then your publicist said, it's Conan. And you said, oh, I know. And then you took out a separate bottle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You were so good in, I'm just going through randomly things that you've worked on, but I remember seeing, I really liked the movie Sleepy Hollow when it came out, you did with Tim Burton. And I was thinking about that movie and Tim Burton had this quote about you, he said that you had an ambiguous quality. He's such an amazing director, but he said he was drawn to you because...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Different people could read in different things to your performance. And I don't know. Do you agree with that? Did you think he had he he nailed something about you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I wonder how much of it is you have beautiful eyes, famously beautiful eyes, and you have large, beautiful eyes, and I wonder if that's a way that people can maybe make it, I don't know, you're reflecting something back at them. You're not even doing anything, but they're reading something into it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Now, here's the other thing that's different. Sona usually sits over on this side next to me. She's always to my right. Andy Richter, all those years that I was doing the talk show, almost 30 years, was to my right. Sona is now diagonally across from me. Yeah. And so I don't like that. I don't like anything that's happening today. And I look directly across from me and you're here, David. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I'm always fascinated to find out. how does Christina Ricci know, oh no, I can do this. I can act. I can be in film. How do you figure that out at such a young age?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
That's such a, it's, I would imagine, because I do not know, that it would be akin to just knowing at an early age that you're athletic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You know what I mean? Yeah, being really good at a sport. Yeah, or just sports in general, that you get out there and, oh, I know what this is. I know what to do. And this is what's needed now. And I'm going to do this. And I did it. And I struck that person out or I scored the winning touchdown. I did not have that. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
My childhood was a series of nope, nope, nope, nope, and then figuring out, like you say, oh, I know what this is. I can make my friends laugh. And, oh, it's time for us to do – we're all supposed to write something. I'm going to write something silly. I know how to do that. And people are laughing. And so –
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
It was, I think kids figure out very quickly what their, call it a superpower, what their ability is. It's an innate thing. We tend to figure it out quickly. I think it's rare that someone figures that out at like 58, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Really? Yeah. Well, your kids are probably pretty young, I'm guessing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
It's interesting because then there's the question of, would you want them, would you be comfortable if they were interested in getting into the business? I know to me, I was just like, nope. No child of mine is going to be in because I always thought show business and I still think it's a racket. Like what I'm doing is illegitimate. It's a racket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And I was like, no, it's pretty good. I'm falling right into the old boyfriend mode. Pretty good? What's wrong with, like, amazing or really good or just good?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And at some point someone's going to come and shut this whole thing down, you know, because my parents, you know, went to graduate school and were doctors and lawyers. And I just I somehow got into vaudeville. I got into a time machine and I'm a guy with seltzer and baggy pants and vaudeville. And that's how it feels to me anyway. It doesn't feel legitimate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Well, yes. Imagining. It's so funny that what I've learned as a parent is I am so afraid of any of the even the notion of my children being disappointed or having their feelings hurt. But if it happened, but it's happened to me a billion times and I'm fine with that. Why am I projecting onto them? Of course, I can have this happen a billion times, but God forbid it should ever happen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
But just the notion of it, you just think, no one's going to say anything to my child.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
So everything, and I know people say, what's the diff? What's the big diff? Larry Bird. Larry Bird, when he played for the Celtics, and he was on that parquet floor in the old garden, he knew where the dead spots were in the wood. He knew that court inside and out, and this is my court. I am Larry Bird. This is my parquet floor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Who the hell did you just become? I don't know. Oh, we'll get you sneakers, we will. You become the creature from Leprechaun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah. You didn't realize. Totally, I did, and I do. I'm a huge fan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
It must be nice to... I mean, the success of Yellow Jackets has got to be quite satisfying. Because what I've noticed as I move along and I'm much farther along on my path is that... As I get older, I appreciate and enjoy things more. Getting to doing this podcast or whatever, any gig that I have, I kind of appreciate it. It has getting to do the show for Max or hosting the Oscars.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
It just feels like, oh, I think I would have been so anxious and neurotic about it at a younger age. But now when nice things come along, I can appreciate it more. Do you have that with like Yellow Jackets?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
There's this quote, one of the Bee Gees said, second fame is so much better. And I guess the Bee Gees stories, which I didn't even really know, there's an amazing documentary about them. And I didn't really know much about them at all, but it's a fantastic documentary. And I didn't realize they were huge pop stars in the 60s. And then it soured it like anything, the time passed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And then they're trying to figure it out and they're bumming around and they're completely out of it. And they're a once was. And then they reconstitute and become this 70s juggernaut phenomenon, one of the biggest groups of the 70s, if not the biggest. And they were like, oh, it's just much more pleasant the second time around because we know what that is. And so now it can be... Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
The year is 1984, and I'm playing at an incredible elite level, and I've got a very wispy mustache on my upper lip. And I come from French Lick. And my shorts are way too short, like everyone else in the NBA. I mean, you're just about to see anything jump out at any second. And that's me. And then suddenly they said to Larry Bird in 1984, something's going on with the garden. We got a problem.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You're not going to play there. And also your teammates that you rely on aren't going to be there. Some of them are missing. Well, who's missing? Well, Robert Parrish isn't going to be there. Robert Parrish isn't going to be there! Kevin McHale's not going to be there. Who's going to fill in? Burt Zeisterman and Josh Galabana. They're sitting in. What's that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Eduardo, if you ever speak to me again, it'll be the last time you speak to me. No, I'm just saying that he's preparing himself for a home game. OK, yes, I know that they would play on the road, but I'm sure Larry Bird familiarized himself with those courts as well. What I'm saying is they took away some of his his personnel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah, we've been together a long time and you've seen me try to evolve.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Shall we change the tone a little bit? I think we should change the tone. Well, Christina, it's been a pleasure for me to get to talk to you again. Thank you. You too. I had a very nice, warm feeling when I heard that you were going to be coming in to talk because I had all these memories from that other life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah. You're like, oh, there's that guy who still can't get his skin still breaking out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
OK, his teammates, his chums and the people that he's used to playing with. Then they said, guess what? We're not even going to play in a basketball court today. You're going to be playing it in the bin of balls.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I do have that feeling now more and more if I just see someone that I went to college to that I haven't seen since the 80s. My first overwhelming feeling is, hey, we're still here. Isn't this cool? In a very basic way, we're still here and you're thriving and you're doing great work. And I'm just very happy for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
That's right. That's right. I didn't know you then. But yeah, I'm just I'm thrilled for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And thanks for being here. Congratulations on Yellow Jackets.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And have you started? This is the which season is this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
yeah it won't do it'll literally be a phone call where they hang up on me it'll be to a receptionist and she will hang up on me and then I'll call back and go do you know who I am? no no we know we know you just have really no power and we're gonna do what we're gonna do but congratulations and come back let's talk some more yeah I would love to that sounds great
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I want to come clean about something, which is that recently I got a burner phone. You did. And I love it. I love having a burner phone, okay? Now, you've been intimately a part of the process, David. Yeah. Basically, Oscars were getting close, and I was noticing that there was so much going on between the podcast and the HBO Max series and the Oscars. Humble brag, busy much, Conan? Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
No, anyway, I think... I was getting crazy. Yeah. And I said to you, I just want to have a phone that has, so that I can call Liza. I can call you, David. I can call Jeff. I can call Sweeney, the head writer. Like, I really want to just be able to. Sona's number's in there too. And Sona's, yes, Sona, you're in there as well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Okay. I just chose not to call you. No, I did call you from the burner phone. But here's the thing. So we went and we got a plastic flip phone. Yeah, I just called and ordered it. You went and picked it up all on your own. I went and picked it up all on my own. And the young man selling it to me recognized me and was weirded out that I wanted this phone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
The guy acted. The kid acted like this is weird. And I just said, give it to me now. I need it now. And walk around. And it's this cute blue little guy. And I like him. I like him and it's crazy. I tried to send a text on him. It's insane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And I mean, you end up, everything's yes or no with my answers. You can't send an elaborate thought because it takes 40 minutes for me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
They want me to dribble a ball in the bin of balls at Chuck E. Cheese. Okay. And so I'm trying to dribble the ball and it's just bashing into all these other... Huh?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I can't do bits because it's too, I can't do. Only text the burner. I can't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
So I start walking around with this thing and I'll call people. And for a while, no one was picking up because this, it just, they just think I'm spam. But then I told them, look, I've got a burner phone and here's the number. And so I ended up not needing to use it as much as I thought because it turns out not that many people were contacting me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I had this whole freak out, which is like, I'm hosting the Oscars. I'll be bombarded with well-wishers and advice from top celebrities. I need a burner phone so I can think my thoughts in seclusion.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
So then I was contriving reasons to call people like, um, hey, David. And you're like, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I called you from upstairs and I was like, can you come on up here? And you're like, yeah, I can. Good. Good thing I have this burner phone. So I still have it. Yeah. And I love it. I don't have a real reason to use it, but I love the idea of maintain. First of all, it expired automatically after a month. Yeah. And then I got mad. I was like, what are you doing? I want to keep this thing. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I want to have this phone that only I know about. And I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know it's going to be crucial at some point soon in my life. Okay. I'm going to be in some situation where I need this burner phone or I'm on the run. I'm on the run. I'm on the road. I'm on the go. I'm trying to get off the grid. Can they trace a burner phone?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
What the hell are you doing? What? She's in the dining hall. And then not that long ago, I called her to tell her I'm running late to meet her for sushi. And I call her and go, yeah, I'm just stuck in traffic. I'm just running a little late. And she went, well, you're pretty close.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And I'm like, whoa! Good thing I didn't visit the mistress today. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyone who calls her the mistress doesn't have a mistress. Anyway, but now this idea is, I don't like her knowing where I am all the time. I don't think I'm up to anything bad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
But still, I like the idea of maybe I'll just, she'll be like, I'll see what Conan's up to. And she'll call the phone and it will ring in the kitchen. And she'll be like, wait, he left the phone here? And I'm out there somewhere. Yeah. And my old Ford Taurus. Because that can't be traced either. My 92 Ford Taurus, which I still own. And I got my burner phone. And none of you can get me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And so I never heard it identified. I've only seen kids emerge from it looking more frightened than happy. Yeah. Like they survived ash rain at Pompeii. But that's all I've seen. But no announcer ever said, and you'll enjoy the ball pit. I never heard it named. So I just said, that is a bin that's been filled with balls. So I had to make up my own name and it stuck with me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
There's not one person who would take my side over Liza's side. Everybody. Everybody. Everybody. Yeah. Prefers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
No, it is good. And I did it because I had just read an article in The New York Times where someone said it helps break your addiction to your phone. If you have a flip phone and actually recommended this brand of flip phone. And that's why I got it. And I do find if you have the security of knowing like here I can call these key people and find out what's going on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I really like not being tempted to look at the text, not being tempted to look at the emails.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You were like set on it, too. It was like a Saturday and you were like, I want this now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You know what? You know, you know, when you get in, when I, I don't know if everyone's like this, when I get an idea, I want to, yeah, let's get this done, David. Yeah. And then I drove down there. I wanted to go pick it up. I was excited. And I'm still excited. I love this little guy. He's cute. It goes, it goes. Yeah. Oh, that's my other favorite thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Is when a conversation's over, I try to be argumentative at the end of the conversation. Just flip. Just so I can flip, so I can snap it shut. So I'll be getting along perfectly well with whoever. Yeah. And then I'll say, I know you're embezzling from me. And they'll say, wait, what? You're a robber and you know it. And then I just click it shut. Yeah. Snap. That's cool. It's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
It's such a great way to end a conversation. Flip phones. Bring them back into your life, sis Conan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Oh, they also are making, there's a phone now that unfolds and you basically unfold it and it becomes like a computer screen. Yeah. I mean, things are getting weird. I say go flip phone. That's what I say.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Guess what? Accidentally. I love that. Accidentally, I did something. My instinct was to do something that all the young people were doing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Don't give me any of your flip-flip. Oh, that's awful. Anyway, that's the new me. And if you get it, hey, anyone listening right now, if you get what you think is a spam call, pick it up. It might be me calling you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
All I'm saying, if I can be allowed to finish my sentiment, is that I'm 1984 Larry Bird. I've been taken away from Boston Garden on the parquet floor. I've been stripped of Robert Parrish and Kevin McHale. And I'm trying to bounce a basketball in a bin of balls at Senor Chuck E. Cheese. That's what I'm saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And also, let's get something straight. A lot can hide behind Sona's hair. You know what? I mean, there could be a Volkswagen bus back there. Come on. I'm just saying, you should be proud of it. You have thick, luxuriant hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
It's everywhere. And then you put these products in it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
They did ask me to move and I refused, which took an extra 10 minutes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm sure Larry Bird wasn't always easy to work with back in 1984. All I'm saying is the analogy holds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I'm an elite A-list athlete in the mid 80s and everything's been changed up on me. And yet still, I think I've put a lot of points on the board. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah, wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap. Well, guess what? My guest today put on the old glasses. Remember when I didn't have to wear glasses? Falling apart here. My guest. You know what I'm going to get is a lorgnette.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah, and it's, well, it's also called bin of balls. I want to get a Lauren yet, which is the thing you a society lady puts up to. Oh, Groucho.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And maybe I'm sad about that. And maybe all these jokes are hiding a wound.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Everything is different today. Everything is different today, and not in a good way. Let me explain. Matt Gourley called in. He says he's sick. I suspect him of just goofing around or whatever. He didn't seem sick. I saw him yesterday. I saw him this morning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yeah. Let's just make sure. That's a potential legal matter. No, it never happened at Chuck E. Cheese and nothing bad ever happened at Chuck E. Cheese.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I think you should leave it in as a cautionary tale about saying things about giant corporations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
My guest today, get me a Lorne Yates someone. Write that down. My guest today has starred in such films as Now and Then and The Addams Family. Now you can see her as Misty Quigley in the hit Showtime series Yellow Jackets. I'm very excited she's here today. Christina Ricci, welcome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Christina, I'm really happy to see you because it's been quite a while since I've seen you, and I have a very nostalgic feeling about seeing you because you came on the show for the first time, I think it was for Adam's Family, the first Adam's Family movie possibly. You were a kid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I mean, you were a kid and I remembered feeling, I thought you would come on for Adam's Family. I remembered Raul Julia came on for Adam's Family. Okay, well then maybe I did come on for Adam's Family. And I thought you came on. You're probably right. Whatever, right now, Eduardo's... I see 1999 and 2005, so I'm not sure where that lines up. Okay, that's going to be later.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
That's going to be like in the Casper area. But see what we've done. Ha ha ha! And when I say we, this is really on you, Christina. You could have just said, sure, Adam's family. I'm really sorry. You know, and then we wait for some nerd to contact us and go, incorrect. But we don't even read that post. What I remember is you were very young and you'd be whatever, you'd be like 15.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I'm a guy in his 30s at the time, mid 30s. And I remembered being a little bit intimidated. because you were so convincing as Wednesday Addams. Your deadpan was so amazing. I was very impressed with you and still am, but you just so nailed it at such a young age. And I remember just, I don't know, just feeling a little bit like, oh, she could kill me with that look. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Yes, I was going to bring this up too. We lived in, there's this building called the Police Building, which there was this- No, it really is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
No, no, it was when Theodore Roosevelt was chief of, he wasn't chief of police.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
He was police commissioner, which I think is a different title. But anyway, basically, look at us. We keep qualifying each other. Semantics. No, it was Casper and it was police commissioner. And it's Ricci with three Cs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
You never knew that. There's this cool building downtown. And for a brief period, I thought, I wonder if I'm a cool guy. And I moved into the police building.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Great book. Great novel by Caleb Carr, which is all about... late 19th century crime solving and Theodore Roosevelt's in it because he's the police commissioner at the time. The police building is this famous old building that they had converted into apartments. And here are the people that I remembered. I walked down to my apartment, which is the end of the hall. Occasionally I'd see you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And he lived there with his girlfriend at the time, supermodel Linda Evangelista. Oh my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Well, I've got a runner up for you or maybe a tie. Really a tie. Which is the other person who lived there. I don't know if they both lived there or if one of them lived there and the other was staying there. Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And Christy Turlington. Okay. So you've got all these people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Insane, right? So I was thinking maybe I belong here and I was flooded. Because this is Conan. I mean, I don't belong there now. There was no time when I belonged there, but I was, I don't know. I want to say I'm 34 years old, still trying to figure out how to dress like I'm not in high school. And I've been doing the late night show for about four years.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
He might really be sick. He was laying down. Yeah. Well, it doesn't mean he's sick. It just means he's relaxing. Anyway, Matt Gorley not here. So what happens is they said, okay, Matt Gorley's not here. Is it okay if David Hopping sits in? And I'm like, ugh. Sure. But then I said, okay, no, David, you know that you filled in for Sona. You now do the day-to-day assistant stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And I remembered one day rushing to get on the elevator, getting on the elevator, and it was whatever, Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber looking. I throw on a t-shirt like- a Who Farted t-shirt and like some shorts and probably like Birkenstocks and ran on the elevator after putting like, still had acne, ran on the elevator and I'm like, hold the door.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
And I get on and it's those two glowing, just glowing. And I think they like kind of made out on the elevator on the way down. And I was like, I'll have a girlfriend one day. You'll see. But I remembered seeing you lurking about. Super cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
But I remembered you very fondly. I think you were on The Late Night Show seven times. I've said this occasionally about other people who were on as kids. I'm gonna call you a kid, because I thought of you as a kid, that I almost have this feeling that is weird of pride like that an uncle would have. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, Christina's coming to do the podcast. I remember her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
Hasn't she done well? It's weird because I've done nothing to help you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I've said that, and they booked them anyway. And you're here today. No, but I mean, I never... You're one of those people who I have this strange feeling of, I'm proud of her. She's done well. And then I step outside myself and go, you're not related to her. Yeah. You're not. You know what I mean? It's very strange, but...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Christina Ricci
I had a lot of nice thoughts and memories today when you were coming on, and I am very happy for you that you've done so well. You just got your star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What is that like? I mean, are you gonna tend to your star? Are you gonna go buy, is it like a houseplant? I don't know how that works.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
That you'd have to put in the work to get to the fun part you need to prepare, you need to be on it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, you lost me with this whole line of reasoning. I had a trailer put upstairs in this office just so I could not come out of it. But half the time, no one wants me to come out of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Never for a second do I forget that you are an unprofessional person.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I wasn't familiar with, you know, this show you did when you were an adolescent, Skins. I don't really know that show, but it became huge in the UK. And that was a little difficult for you to handle because you're an adolescent and suddenly it's this...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You were young to be experiencing that kind of attention.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, so if you're going out, you just want to have a drink, hang out with friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's never left in my mind. So sometimes you might forget it. Never, ever. I never forget that. And so all I'm saying is there are times where I'm thinking, we're here. We're here to do our job, which we also love. It's fun. But you'll start gabbing and gabbing and gabbing. And I'll say, well, why don't we just say, hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You have to accept that someone might be recording you. Yeah, it was a weird transition.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think there are a lot of people who would be 15, 16, 17 and think, boy, if I could be famous right now and get that kind of attention at an age when you want attention, wouldn't that be amazing? And so often it's not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, let me explain my problem. You're talking about getting recognized. I wear a hat that says I am Conan O'Brien wherever I go. Stop me and ask for a selfie. You've had this interesting education where you were getting probably attention and working as a child, then you're a teenager, but then you've, I mean, you've handled it all really well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You've done, I was thinking of your performance in Mad Max as, first of all, when I first saw that, I didn't even realize it was you. Yeah. See, no one will recognize me from now. Yeah, because you play Nux. And Nux is this terrific character. You lost so much weight for that. And the backstory, first of all, I love that movie. Yeah, it's a great film. I'm proud of that one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And we did a parody of it when we were at Comic-Con once where I play the Doof Warrior, who's the guy that we actually recreated. We shot it film style. We recreated that whole giant truck. Yeah. Do you remember this, Sona? Yeah, I do. Yeah. I'm hanging off the front with an electric guitar and the white face and wearing the red onesie and shooting fire. Do you still have the red onesie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm wearing it for medical reasons. But I'm shooting, they gave me a guitar that shoots fire. The real fire. Yeah. And then we were shooting it out in the desert, but they said, I remember just before we started to shoot, they, no, after the first take, they said, when you get near a telephone pole, turn off the fire. And I was like, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And they were like, because otherwise you'll set the telephone poles off here in the desert outside Los Angeles on fire. And I went, no one thought, like, this is up to me. If I want to, I can take out the power grid with my electric guitar. But anyway, we did a whole parody of that, which was really fun to do. But I absolutely adore that film.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And your character, I mean, talk about being able to lose yourself in a character. You lost a ton of weight to play Nux. Because you're in this, everyone who survived that apocalypse is sickly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And what was the, I mean, everyone has their own technique, but is that a kind of thing where literally you're working with a doctor and they're saying, okay, you can have a tic-tac today and then a little soup before bed?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And we can, whatever this is, we can talk about what you're talking about. And you'll be like, hold on, I'm not done yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think there is now, right? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm going to get an Ozempic colonic. Oh, jeez. I don't know. Maybe it'll go even faster. I don't even know what that means. Go the other way. Not a suppository, but a colonic. A colonic. I want that for other reasons. They don't go together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
First of all, this story is much better if you identify your friend. I can't. They're very famous. It's got to be Hugh Grant. It's Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant cramping, shitting all over the floor. You heard it here, folks. Let's get that out there. It's not Hugh. Too late. I'm editing your it's not out. And we're replacing it with an AI yes, it is. Definitely him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Now we're good. You got very seriously into motorcycles at some point. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So you have seriously, first of all, as a kid, you were interested in cars.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Now, explain to me the appeal, because I'm not a gearhead. I enjoy a nice car, but... When I first made money and could buy any car I wanted, just so you know who you're talking to, and I'm a writer on The Simpsons, and I go out and I buy a Ford Taurus SHO. That's the Ford Taurus that has the stick shift. Yeah, stick shift's great. Yeah. But it looks exactly like a Ford.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's got a sweet Yamaha six in there. And, but yeah, I remember thinking this is so cool. And people would say, you're driving around in a Ford Taurus and you're 28 years old. And you told us you were going to get this really cool car. And I went, yeah, but if you look inside, it's got a stick shift. And the common reaction was, it's a four-door.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You look like you're going to Whole Foods to buy some produce. Not even Whole Foods, like Big Lots. Okay. Let's not get dicky about grocery stores. But anyway, that's the degree to which I'm probably not a gearhead. But you participated in and won a race recently, didn't you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Was that not clear? Wait a minute. Never mind. My car was not on when I became one. When my car was not even on and I was not in it when I became one with it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I thought it was fairly clear by the way you're talking about it. I'm going to keep explaining what happened. Well... I was going to go so far with it. I'd just like to take this time to apologize to you. It's fine. Don't worry, Nicholas. This never has to air. It's interesting. It's going to sound like I'm making a joke, but I'm not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
When we're in this room, everything must be monetized. Everything must... Adam, help me out here. When we're in this room, everything must, you know, is part of the product. The team cocoa product.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I kind of understand what you're saying because if I'm in front of a large group of people, there is an adrenaline rush and I am sometimes doing things that are against my better nature, but I also... think this is going to be really funny if I do this thing that's potentially quite embarrassing or foolish.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So there's this push me, pull you, but I also like to be in control, but I also like the potential chaotic loss of control. And it's all at the same time. That's the closest I've come to that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And if I doubt it, do you just abort or do you override? This is one thing I found is that if I'm thinking about it beforehand, it's not going to be as good. And if you do it, then it's not as satisfying. It's not as good. And for some reason, the audience knows it too. I don't know what that's all about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So you showed a lot of restraint and caution. Yeah. And you held your tongue. And then me, the older man who should know better. Well, just because I couldn't formulate what the idea was. No, I didn't formulate it well either. I have me fucking a Taurus. You just said I fucked my car.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Why is it you have better material than I do? This is frustrating. But it is funny how I did have an experience that I really loved. We shot a travel show in Berlin. Oh, I'm going to Berlin in a couple of weeks.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yes. Okay, this was a while ago. I won't be going there anytime too soon, but we shot a segment where I believe I'm in a very, very fast BMW that's latest model, fastest model, and we go on the Autobahn. And what I always heard about the Autobahn is you can go as fast as you want. There are no speed limits. That's not really true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, we went, I think, I mean, it would not be impressive to you. It was impressive for me that we- I'd have to find the speed that we got to, but I was impressed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, I want to say it was... I think you got up to like 121 or 126 miles per hour.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, it is refreshing because it's something that I find refreshing about sports, not participating in it so much, but is watching them, is that things can be measured. And in comedy, no matter what you do, people go like, eh, not my cup of tea. Or someone can like it, someone else can hate it. It's just this...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
This soup, you can never quite say, no, no, empirically this wins because how can you do that? But in, and that's true of all the arts. Like when sometimes when I watch the Oscars or any award show, I think this is so crazy. How can we be comparing all of these things and who's deciding and what does that even mean? It always seems ridiculous to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Is it right now? Welcome to the Nicholas... If I could get Nicholas Holt to ask me questions as if I were interesting... That's my EGOT. That's my EGOT. No, I remembered my career has been a series of me thinking, if I could get to this point, then I'd never worry about anything again. And that goes back to me being 22 and just thinking, if I could just make a living as a comedy writer...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
and then i did and i'm like okay well yeah the minute you attain something you you yeah you have disdain for it but uh so what's next what's the next what's the next level then for me um i think uh i think cover of men's health in a speedo oh just like super cut you should pivot on the bonnet of the taurus
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think it's time 61-year-old men of my complexion who work out intermittently are seen as sex symbols. This country's already going through enough. I think this country can handle more. No, I think- It's what the country needs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, and it's funny because I was very young and a writer on Saturday Night Live and we won an Emmy when I was there for a season that I'd been working on and we won and I was in my 20s and I remember thinking, Wow. You know, this I won an Emmy. This is going to change everything. And of course, it doesn't change anything. None of these things change anything, really.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And so it's just been this constant education and reeducation and reeducation. It's all an illusion. You just keep going. And I think for, I mean, your analogy would be, there's not going to be any point in a car where you're going to say, I'm satisfied, right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Like, yeah, there's always... Did you stand on top of the car when you won the race?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
What are you supposed to do? There are all these iconic things you're supposed to do when you win.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Did they take your trophy away? They should have done. It was an absolute disgrace. You could see them taking your car with a tow truck. They took the car back. And then I'm like, I can fix this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You're there with a Diet 7-Up, shaking it. Come on! I still do it every morning, yeah. Do you, do you, this is what I'm saying, does any of this translate, does your driving ability translate to you on the 405 freeway? No. Does anything like that translate, or are you an amazing driver going 55 miles an hour on the highway to-
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I invited Adam. He sits way in the corner. He's over there calculating, scheming. Calculating and scheming. Yeah, and I bring him over into this holy, holy area of the table with the mics. And then you stab me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah. That's good. You just knocked wood in. I don't think this is wood. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I thought this was an expensive piece of wood. I don't trust Eduardo. I think he cheaped out on us and found something cheaper than wood. Might be particle wood. Yeah. It's better for the sound, right? Yeah. He gets it. Yeah. You get it. I don't get it. How do you like living in Los Angeles area? We were talking about this a little bit when you first showed up, but it's so interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Maybe it's the grass is always greener, but having 100% Irish genes, I always find myself yearning for it to be cloudy and rainy. Yeah. here in Los Angeles. But for years, I've noticed that people from the UK Brits, they want to be here. They are not interested at all in a cloudy day. They want to get red-faced. I don't know. Do they? Well, I think so, yeah. They love tanning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
We're talking, I want to make sure we get the word out on Nosferatu. Where did you shoot this? Where did you shoot Nosferatu? We shot it in Prague. Oh my God. See, that is why I do a travel show is that for years and years and years, for 28 years, I sat at a talk show desk and talked to people like you who said, oh, I just got back from Prague. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, I've never been to Prague. I want to go there. Oh, you should do an episode going there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so you want me to travel to get the word out on Nosferatu.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
All right, Sona, could you book me a flight to Prague? Sure. And get me a tea. Good, good, good, really good acting. All done, bye. And could you have a shirt made that says Nosferatu in theaters now? Yeah, let's see that. Can you screen print it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You've got a... Whoa. Laser printer. Stupid. What kind of machine makes this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Your guillotine probably goes. I'd like to hear the guillotine. Yeah, let's hear the guillotine. It needs to be a little bit of a... Yeah, it's sort of a wet... He landed on his tongue. I don't know what happened there. Boing, boing, boing, boing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Boing, boing, boing, boing. Okay, you made Nosferatu, directed by one of my favorites, Robert Eggers. I love his stuff. He's incredible, isn't he? Absolutely incredible. And so, I mean, I'm excited to just see the look of the film. I mean, he always achieves.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And that's, that's the truth. So you think sometimes I spin a yarn after we're done?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's so funny, because I had the opportunity to interview Jordan Peele, and he was asking me, what kind of horror films do you like? And I said, I don't like someone jumping out of a bush, stabbing, jump scares, and someone chasing someone else with a chainsaw.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I cited the witch as an example and Eggers as an example of there's a wide shot early in the film, it's fall and it's New England, 17th century New England. And the wind is blowing and you just see these trees slightly undulating and it's terrifying because of the implication of what something malevolent is out there. He managed to make trees in the fall in New England, very frightening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I responded to there's so much in the witch that it's so much of its tone and so much of it is, and then there are, yes, there are little moments that are frightening, but when you think about it, there's so little violence, there's so little action, but your heart's in your mouth the whole time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
We did a travel show in Dublin last year, and we drove around and we went to Wicklow, which there's this great iconic lighthouse. got all made up as Willem Dafoe in The Lighthouse. And I have this long, insane speech that we shot in black and white. You're doing promo for The Lighthouse then, so you can do something that's wrong. You better make another shirt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I'll send you the script. What I loved about that, I guess what I loved about that movie is the performances are amazing, but also you're paying attention to like the button on someone's weird suit, which is very somehow evocative. Yeah. He manages to get all that stuff right. And I'm thinking Gothic, Nosferatu. Yeah. late 19th century field day with the visuals.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Sometimes I lay out a real lulu of a story. No, I do tell some stories that are not for public consumption because maybe they include a name and I don't like to sell people, you know, sell people out. And so we have some delicious conversations in here. But... Yeah, I guess I'm guilty of the same thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
He's vomiting. I've got to get the right one. I am. Well, listen, I am a huge, huge fan of yours as a person. But I just think your performances are off the charts. Great. And this movie is made for me. So and oh, yeah, Bill Skarsgård.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I'm curious because my work is always I make something and then we see it either instantly or 10 minutes later and then I never see it again. Your work is you work really hard on something, craft it, you make it, you have some control over some facets of it. And then this long period of time goes by, I would think, before you see it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
How apprehensive are you about, okay, now it's time for me to go see myself in Nosferatu?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I'll say, from my vantage point, your work is excellent. And so, and trust me, I think a word from Conan O'Brien carries a lot of weight in the film industry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Five stars! Five stars from the tourist fucker. Absolutely thrilled that you could be here today. And I do want to be your friend. I doubt it's going to happen. We can definitely be friends. No, I have a bad feeling. You gave me the sheet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I'm going to say it's not going to happen on your end. I'm going to say you're the one that's going to... Just keep calling and breathing down the phone. I'm always waiting. Nicholas. That's the only reason I've still got a landline. It's me. But congrats on the new film, Nosferatu. And thank you so much for stopping by and for being so funny and terrific. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No one expects that. What? What's up, Matt Gurley? What's the plan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I love staff reviews because as the... What is my title at this company? Am I CEO? No. Am I chairman? No. Am I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I do that, but that's all I do. All I do is come into meetings and go, hey guys. Let's do some wheeling and dealing. And then Adam and Fedorovich and Ross are all like, what? And I'm like, yeah, some wheeling and dealing. They're like just and they just pushed me out of the room and I've got my shirt buttoned down. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Okay, let's move on. I like, as the grand poobah, I like talking to the employees and telling them how I think they could do better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Eduardo, don't hide. And be a man about this, Eduardo. Can you step away from the machinery that you employ?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
um have a seat eduardo and uh is this your first time at the table uh i think for the happening i was oh interrogated yeah just have a little seat there eduardo and um buckle up buckle up okay now eduardo if you don't mind this is a very very large company huge company there are literally have tens of thousands of employees your full name please eduardo perez Okay, Eduardo Perez.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Let me help you. Eduardo Perez. Perfect. So, Eduardo Perez. Eduardo, you are... I'm going to start by buttering you up before I chop you down. You made this beautiful studio that we're in, state-of-the-art. You're a very talented guy, and I applaud you for your work. Thank you. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Okay. What I'm saying, Sona, is that I want... Don't... How dare you harumph?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
They're not here right now, but you did a fantastic job. And you've done, as far as I can tell, mostly a really good job here. Excellent job. Describe your duties. You have to make sure that the equipment's all functioning. Duties. Duties, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
That was not breathing. That was a harumph. If that's your breathing, I'm worried about you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
yeah yeah i explode in rage no i know that i when i when i have an idea or i want to push something through and punch it uh you probably have to ride all the dials all the time constantly exactly riding your levels the most uh versus of all three of you sometimes a guest will match your energy and i'll have to ride you and the guest yeah that can happen sometimes yeah but you're that happened with doris kearns goodwin
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
She was started talking about Lyndon Johnson and she was shouting. Yeah. And then I was doing bits and she was doing bits. You know, it was also difficult to record sometimes. Jimi Hendrix. That's right. The great artists are sometimes hard to capture.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think all those years in the coal mine have hurt you. I believe, Sona, that you should be a little more disciplined here about your work and you should tell your tales into the microphone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I don't care about the devices around me. I do see myself as a purely artistic cloud that just emanates energy, goodness, and genius. Yeah. And then these machines, they aren't my concern. These are the concerns of others. Okay. Like, is it Eduardo Perez?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Eduardo, you know, you do a very good job. You did, we were... According certain celebrity recently, I believe it was I believe it was Caitlin Olsen, of course, and very talented, wonderful. And she comes in and we were all excited to talk to her. And then there was an issue. And I hate to bring this up in your review, but it felt like you weren't ready to go when it was time to go. What happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, and I'm actually pretty fluent in this. I was doing a bit before, but which one is it? It's called Console. Yeah, Console, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so what happened? Be specific and really get into the minutiae because I can match you. Sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, we all know what that is. It means it was buffering.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Can you seriously use the real terminology? Because you're talking to me like I'm an idiot. I have worked in show business for a long time and I know a lot about television. I also know about the audio aspect of things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah. You have to load Pro Tools. You have to load Console. But my question is, did you try anything else before you went to... what anyone would do, which is unplugging it and then plugging it back in again. I did, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Did you try the force? There is no try. There's only do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Sona Movsesian. Hi, Sona. You done coughing? That was a lot of coughing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Control, alt, force quit. Listen, can I tell you something? I believe that was the easy thing to do, and it took a long time. Caitlin had to sit here for a little bit because— I feel like it was a minute. Excuse me. It was longer than a minute. It was at least a minute and 15 seconds. It felt like eternity for me, I'll tell you that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, and I could tell she's a lovely person, but she was thinking of leaving. I could tell. She handled it like a champ. I was more nervous about your energy than I was about her energy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Prince, anytime anyone in his band hit one note that was a little bit off, he would find them. He would find them. He's a psychopath. No, that's not the point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I hear the music just the way Prince did. And I think in our each in our fields, I'm every I am the prince of podcasting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I'll tell you this. I just question, did you panic and force quit? Because there were other things you could have tried first. Like what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I don't know. You could have gone to Ultra. Sorry? Ultra. What's Ultra? I'm not even fucking talking about Ultra. It's a parallel system that you can use. You can access it. And then you can go to Hibernate. If you had used Ultra and you had gone to Hibernate, don't... Hey, Sona, you're just laughing because you're embarrassed you don't know anything. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You could have knocked it all down like three generations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And did you try compression? Compression? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, listen, next time look to me and I can help you. You got it. Okay? Yeah. I do like the work that you're doing. Thank you. I'm very lucky to have you. Thank you. And I'm very fortunate that you've done such a beautiful job. And this table, this is your baby. This is one of my babies, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
We do. Oh my God. You know what? That's a fair point. Oh my God. There are, I want to say over, there are 28 years of, of there's 28 years where I'm making late night television. And I think there may be easily 2000 hours of, of me playing whatever guitar song I want to play that day while people in headsets desperately try to get me to rehearse a sketch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You put this table together and any time one of us, it's happened, Sona's always bringing various soups from home, soups that your mother made, soups from the home.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You know when you come in with your soups from the old country?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Have you noticed that when, just back me up on this. Admit, first of all, you bring in a lot of soups from the old country. Throw yourself under the bus.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
But listen, but listen, it spills. Whenever a liquid spills, you freak. I do freak out. Because there's a lot of very expensive electronics underneath this beautiful table. Under the hood, yes. Under the hood. Did you know when you were building this table, did you know that, first of all, I get clumsy sometimes with my drinks. So, and of course, ubiquitous soups. I had a feeling.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, I ingest a lot of fluids to keep the old pipes lubricated, so to speak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Okay, I did spill a full glass of water. However, how many times have you been in here with, and she drinks it out of a stone bowl. Yeah. And it's some Armenian stew or potash, right? Am I wrong? And you come in and you've got that big spoon. It's crazy big, like the Flintstones.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
How many times? Oh, I said one. She was having some of this hush. And I said, what you got there? And she said, you want some? She said, you want the hoof? You want the hoof? Remember? And I said, no, I don't want the hoof.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, anyway, great. So you're welcome. I finally got you to admit that you do bring tons of you bring hush in in a big stone bowl that's been frozen for years because it's from the old country. Gotcha, Sona. Oh, my God. Eduardo, thank you for all your work. And you are impeccable. Thank you very much. My only question is, how valuable could your job be if you can walk away from it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
completely and everything's fine i built it so that oh you built it yeah yeah yeah yeah okay you're such a good surgeon that halfway through the surgery you can walk away for a peer review yeah oh you know what i'm with you on this because he did plug in and plug out and plug in that's what i would have done yeah i could do what you do yeah yeah oh and also what do i do i guess i'll reboot the whole thing
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It is true. When Sona's having joy... I feel like I'm having a heart attack. When Sona's experiencing true joy... I have all the symptoms of a major aortic aneurysm.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
My grandfather used to say, it's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in. Fun guy. Anyway, then he'd say good night and shut the door. We'd have to go to sleep. Matt, how are you? Matt Gourley. I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I have a little pet peeve. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
See, so you guys are afraid before I come in the room that once I show up, I'm going to shut everything down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Can I just say that if someone is struggling in a situation like this, better help is probably. Oh my God. With better help, you can get online counseling.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
But just use offer code Conan. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, exactly. And you know what? Rap.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You can, if a therapist isn't a good fit, you can cut off that session right away and it's no hassle to start another one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It is like Miller time. You know how it's like Miller time? When you're a bunch of buddies standing around, and you know what you want when you're with buddies? You want beer that tastes like beer. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
He wanted to get farther away from the water and closer to the sun and just be miserable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, you'd be an amazingly cool friend to have. I have to say, I am a massive fan of yours. Thanks. And you seem like a very normal, healthy person, and I'm sure you don't love compliments ladled on you. No, I do. I always liked your work. Oh, you do? Okay. Well, first time I saw you was in About a Boy, which is such a great film. And you were so good in that movie with Hugh Grant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
My pet peeve is that sometimes we gather around these mics, these microphones, these holy transmitters of our wise words. And we're supposed to do a podcast. And then you guys start yammering. Mostly, I think we know who the criminal is here at Sona. You'll start yammering about something and we haven't begun. And you're like, yeah, before we get started and you'll yammer sometimes for 20 minutes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And it holds up. I think I've watched it many times since then. It's one of those movies, whenever it's on, I love you in it. I love the story. I love Hugh Grant. It's just so well done. I love the soundtrack, blah, blah, blah. And then I saw you kill it in many roles. And then you started doing The Great with Elle Fanning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And my eyeballs fell out of my head because I thought, Nicholas Holt is one of the funniest actors alive. You are so good in that role. And here's the thing. You're walking this insane line of... a terrible murderer who, you know, who is constantly on the verge of killing his wife and by today's standards, just an inhuman barbarian and incredibly likable. And I thought, what kind of...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Juno move is that, but I loved your character in that. I thought you were absolutely hilarious in that role.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, you could tell you guys have such a great chemistry, but also huzzah became, I think you put huzzah on the map. It's back. Huzzah is back. Oh, huzzah. And also just that self-assurance, constantly obsessed with your cock and sex. And I just, I'm just watching this and thinking. Is this the segue? I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's a very aggressive word, cock. Strong sounds. It is. But also just this kind of musing about sex and what he's going to do next. It was just hilarious. He turned British.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And he's the kind of person who might say, hmm, I may have to murder you now. But would say it out loud and then go, well, probably shouldn't have said that out loud. That's the kind of I think that show. I mean, first of all, the acting across the board who plays the I mean, such terrific acting. But the the the minister of war, the general. Oh, Douglas Hodge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I'm thinking, why aren't we making this the podcast? Why can't you control yourself?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
He's constantly, but again, he was a great character because he's this, you know, he's this Russian general who's drunk all the time, but also, but also has common sense. I mean, he is the voice of reason often in a scene, but also not. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I don't know, that series was so delightfully surprising and I watched that and then I knew that I had a Nicholas Hoult obsession when, I don't know if you guys remember, but Elle Fanning came on the podcast and we were talking about the show and I kept saying, tell me more about Nicholas Hoult. And she would indulge me and she was like, well, you should talk to Nicholas.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I did. And she gave it to me. And then it was like a suspiciously wrong. It was a five, five, five.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Oh, I'm sorry, Marlon Brando. I didn't realize you were... You have a process?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So I just want to go through, I just want to walk you through your career, which at such a young age, you've had such a range of experiences and so much success. But, you know, I know that you had worked as a child, but then about a boy is when it's like 2002, I want to say. Yeah, about that, yeah. And you're working with Hugh Grant, who, by the way, has had this,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I mean, he started out as one type of performer in romantic comedies, and now he's become, he's found this whole other sweet spot that I find extremely emerald. He is so good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I maintain, and I have many people, I think many people will agree with me, Paddington 2, and it sounds like I'm making a joke.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Paddington 2 might be a perfect movie. And I think it has a score on Rotten Tomatoes of just absolute perfection. I've watched Paddington 2 several times. Looking for a flaw, there isn't one. But Hugh Grant is so delightfully, insanely over the... He's having such a good time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
But you worked with him, you were young, 10, 11, 12, something like that. You're working with Hugh Grant and he taught you by observing him, you learned from him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
But I think I just love when there's a really funny idea that's very creative. I enjoy it so much more. And I swear to God, I'll go to my grave thinking it has a power that's hard to understand, but it's there. So the Willy Loman thing was making me really laugh. I really love you throwing to commercials that are not commercials that don't need to exist,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
But I know that you grew up seeing people, you know, like me or Letterman or whatever, throwing to commercial. And you know that it's part of this right, R-I-T-E, this religious right that you say, we're going to take a break. But it's, you know, you're not selling anything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I don't think you should have a show anymore. Yeah, I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, that's the other thing, too, that feels like doing broadcast TV. Yes. Well, also, you start the show at what time do you start it? 7 p.m.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
But it was kind of exciting. You walked out and you said, hello, everybody. You know, it is 901. Oh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah. Yeah. And it was I don't know. It was just there's something about that where I thought a lot of people, if they're going to do live TV, they want to do something like I'm going to put my head in a tiger's mouth and that's going to make it compelling. You were giving the exact time and temperature and I found it exciting. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. It's like, wow. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, I appreciate that. Well, I could also look at my Apple Watch, but I don't know. It was it looks like you're having fun, too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Right. Also, I got a little bit of nostalgia because you're coming from Sunset Gower Studios, which is where Greg Daniels and I started. That was my first, we got out of college. Summer after college, we're sending out, you know, trying to write for TV. We got crazy lucky and got a starting gig at a show called Not to Show the News that taped at Sunset Gower Studios. Nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
That's still imprinted on my brain. I felt that we had gone to Saturn. That's how strange it was to go from Boston, Massachusetts, and I had been on a plane like twice, and I'm suddenly in Los Angeles expecting to see Eric Estrada, you know? Sure. You just keep thinking, where are the celebrities? This is where the celebrities are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And you're walking around Hollywood and you're mostly seeing sex workers. And the walk of fame, Barbara Broccoli.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I remember being stunned at how seedy. I misunderstood, and Greg, my partner Greg Daniels, did too. We confused Hollywood with, like, Beverly Hills. Yeah, sure. So I thought Hollywood was where all the stars lived, and that's where the mansions were. So... We got a place like on Koreatown. And then we were like, let's get spiffed up and go over to Hollywood.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And we were walking around the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Nice. Which, of course, is your dodging vomit. And it's it's grim. It's very grim. And I remembered being.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Sunset Gower looks the way a studio is supposed to look from like the 1920s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yes. It's someone and that there'd be a bunch of people outside with autograph books waiting for a star to sign an autograph.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I have a story, Sunset Gower story, which is I was once driving to work, and I know exactly when this would have been because you could look it up, but I'm going down Gower Street. I take the right off Sunset. I'm going down Gower. I see a parking space, and I turn around right near where Paramount is. Sweet. I do a U-turn, an illegal U-turn really quickly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Wow. So I have one dab of the decade. Wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And a car is just then pulling in to the gates. And I almost hit it and I stopped fast in my shitty car. And the person looking out the window at me is Eddie Murphy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
He's not driving. He's being driven. He's in the passenger side and he's shooting The Golden Child. So I almost ended Eddie Murphy's life as he was making The Golden Child. What year would that be? That movie came out in 1986. Okay, that's perfect.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's okay. You know me, right? Sona, you know me. And what's the picture that I would want out there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's good to always remember. The Tates and the LaBiancas were murdered within two days, but it's nice. It's nice. It's fine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I want to pay you another compliment because that's the kind of guy I am. And this comes from the heart. I went to the SNL. Comes from the heart with no eye contact. I'll tell you a compliment. That's how we do it. Thank you so much. I'm sorry. Gotta look at this rubber coaster. You're a solid guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's so Irish. And it is St. Patrick's Day today. Hey, happy St. Patrick's Day. And guess what? I'm not doing this intentionally. I'm not a fan of St. Patrick's Day. I'm not a kiss me. I'm Irish guy. And so I people are always giving me shit for not wearing green. And I always it's not a statement. I just completely forget. So I'm wearing a statement. You think it's a statement? It's a statement.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I wanted to compliment you because I went to the SNL 50th and I know that you were a creative force, a writer behind the SNL 50th, along with some other fellows. Yeah. Was it Simon Rich?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And I was just thinking like, if my time, whenever my time comes and I pass on to the next realm, if the New York Times runs an obit, I want that photo. I want that photo.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I have to say, I thought the show was great. I had good seats, didn't know anything that was going to happen. It's interesting. I think enough time has gone by, and I loved my time at Saturday Night Live, but I needed... All of us have war stories. All of us have... some form of PTSD from the intensity of that time of our lives, that all this time went by and I came back and I just had a blast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Oh, that's great. I loved it. I loved talking to everybody. I enjoyed the show. I thought it was really well written. I thought it was paced really well. I was stunned at how much content there was. I just, I mean, from beginning to end, it was cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
They showed a few commercial parody montages. Oh, that's right. There were very few montages. It was mostly- And that was mainly to make acts and get set transitions and stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It was a lot of new material. One of the revelations, and I just brought him up and I'm so glad I didn't kill him in 1986. I had a great seat to watch Eddie Murphy do two of the sketches he was in. My seat was just looking right into it. If he's not the most talented person to ever grace Saturday Night Live, I don't know who it would be. He became Tracy Morgan. I watched him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I watched him getting ready, bands playing, they're counting down. We're getting to within 30 seconds. His face is still completely neutral. He walks, he gets behind the podium where they're going to play Jeopardy. He picks up his controller. And then I saw his face morph and he became Tracy Morgan with like three seconds to go. And then he's in a scared straight sketch. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Which is in the exact same position. And he was mesmerizing to watch. He was mesmerizing. I'm stunned by him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yes, there's a picture on the easel next to the casket or the urn.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I had a absolutely lovely time. And this was, I think, a week and a half or something before the Oscars, and I didn't have time to go. And something in me said, you have to go. Oh, that's cool. And I got my ass there and just loved it. And loved getting to talk to Lorne and tell him, I hope some of this is sinking in, Lorne, and what you've achieved. I want that for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah. I want it to be that. And most people will think, oh, I don't know who he is, but he apparently choked to death.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Getting to talk to so many people from over the years, some of whom... Worked on my late night show for a while when we were at Rockefeller Center and then drifted back to SNL. But I thought it was a triumph. And wow. I mean, I can't imagine everything that went into putting that show together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And they both won. They both won. Which Paul? The one who had a partner and they didn't get along. That still doesn't help.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's such a good bit because I would immediately believe that. Yeah. Because. And this isn't true, Armisen. Who would lie about that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Milk mixed with hot sauce. So people walking by the grave and there's a motion sensor. There's a motion sensor that senses someone's passing and it shoots a mixture of 2% milk and a hot sauce at you. And you're like, Jesus, I'm trying to go visit my grandmother. And I accidentally passed by. Who's Conan O'Brien?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Did he tell him right away? I'm just kidding. I'm not sure how long. Probably right away. They probably still haven't told him. It's why he's gone into seclusion. You know, there was the show and then there was a party at the plaza. Oh, man. And I went to that party at the plaza. I got that party again. What's that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, yeah. There were different levels at the plaza and I walked in and I decided I knew there was music and I didn't go towards the music. I stayed down. There was a bar. I ended up in the lobby where there were couches. Yeah. Just hung out there. I went past the lobby. There's a bar area and I'm standing at the bar area and I'd said hello to a couple of people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And I turn around and Paul McCartney's standing right there and I'm an insane Beatles fan. I've interviewed him a bunch of times, but I always assume, I think correctly, that he's met too many people in his life. So I don't say like, hey, Paul, you know who I am. We start chatting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I tell him I really liked the Golden Slumbers medley and I like how the guitar parts at the end are so distinctive because the three Beatles played them Paul first. That's really cool, dude. Sounds really cool. I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know. I like the three guitar parts. Sorry, I know. I'm saying, I know. I'm celebrating my dorkdom. The three guitar parts. He's looking at the exit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Because all three of you Beatles played them. Yeah. I didn't remember the other one's name. Yeah, all three of you. And so he. Joel and Roger and you. But he's chatting and he's like, oh, you know, he's talking about it. We're having like a nice conversation. Goes on for a while. I said a couple of things about I think a couple of nice things about more contemporary work he's done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
He seemed to like that. And then he said, well, you've said some nice things to me, he said. And then he said, maybe you want to even it out a little like, you know, you've said some nice things. Maybe you should maybe you want to go the other way for the next comment. And I said, OK, you guys peaked.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I'm sorry. I said you guys peaked with the quarry men. Everything after that was shit. That's great. And he didn't laugh. He looked a little surprised, but I basically told him the group they had before they were the Beatles was the best. And everything after that was shit. And then I knew to walk away. And I thought maybe, maybe that's going to penetrate everything else he's heard tonight.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Maybe he's going to wake up at two in the morning. Go to that fucker. say that I peaked with the Corey Mintz?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It was great. I knew that that would be the case because that's the way it has to be. I also knew.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
and this is selling- He got it there. Very hard to do that. It's like if they had announced- There was that Thursday- They announced two years out that they were going to be going to Mars with a rocket, and it's the night before, and they're trying to figure out where the nose cone is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
The technology will exist where it can be a hologram and different images can be coming up. So it can be me in the old timey baseball. Yeah. You know, whatever. Different things that have gone viral over the years. Moments from this podcast. And people will just pass this headstone. And they'll have forgotten me. I'll be long forgotten.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
But they'll see these moments and they'll think, what was wrong with this man?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I don't know. What kind of brain disease did he have? He clearly had some sort of worm eating away his brain. He died a horrible death, milk shooting out of his mouth, a bear jerking off on him. What a horrible way to go, this poor fellow. Well, I can't think of a better introduction. Might as well get to it. We should get into it. My guest today, it says a hilarious comedian.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I think maybe the funniest comedian out there, who now hosts the Netflix talk show. Everybody's live with John Mulaney. I'm beyond excited that he's here today. He's one of the greats. John Mulaney, welcome. You want to lawyer up? Are you already lawyered up? I'm heavily lawyered up. Okay, I need to lawyer up. This is going to be a few phone calls. I'll take you on any day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Eyeliner. Yeah. Well, the show, which I really love, everybody's live. It drops live on Wednesday nights. Is that correct?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And it's really fun, if you can, to watch it. If you can? If you can watch it live. If you have, if it's in your schedule. Oh, sorry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
A lot of people don't have access to television. You know that. Oh, right. Shame me for the 1%. Whatever, you're in a bubble, so yeah. Yeah, I guess. Everyone go out and buy a new television.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
You don't like the way I've comported myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Here you guys go. Hey, here we go. No, that's not it. No, I think we need to co-own.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I would like us to be in a long, protracted lawsuit that nobody understands. I'd love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Schmidt. Yeah. I'm just going to leave you behind. And then you say, no, no, no. I was in the room when you came up with Hotel California. That's what you should say. I was in the room and I contributed content essential to the creation of the work. Hey. You were in the room when I said, do you think it'll fit?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Something about fitting in. No one wants credit for that. And you were in the room and you want credit for that. You were integral to that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I'm going to let you go, sir, because we've... Nice to see you, man. You know what? You're one of my favorites. You're one of my favorites. As a person and as a maker of things. Thank you. One of my all-time favorites. And I'm just... I love you very much as a person.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Just before I went out to do the Oscars, I got a lot of texts from a lot of people. You sent me one of the most meaningful texts I've had in my life. A quick text of encouragement. The eggplant? And said, I hope you can fit it in. I hope you can fit it in. You know what that means, right? No, I don't. I don't know what it means. Why would I violate myself with such a vegetable?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
No, you sent me an email, a text. I'm not kidding when I say it gave me like a 20% boost of confidence. So seriously, thank you very much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
All right. Well, listen, thank you for saying that. Go work on your show and keep enjoying it because I can tell you're having fun. And when you're having fun, you're golden. Thank you, man. Go in peace. Go in peace.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, first of all, it's an insult. It's a huge insult. I knew you were going to say that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Is that we are a brotherhood. My favorite part of the Eagles documentary is I think there's a part where they realize that David Geffen is kind of taking advantage of them. And they, unbelievably. And so the way the documentary lays out, if you watch the Eagles documentary, and you do not have to be an Eagles fan to love the Eagles documentary. You just have to have some time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I knew it. If someone takes over an office and there's a signed photograph in there of, say, Jerry Seinfeld, no one says, who would want this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
That's nice. Let me see the photograph. Let's see. So, okay, this is a photo of the bearded Conan to the park rangers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Oh, all right. Well, there I am in my handsome beard phase.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
So someone said, we here at the Park Ranger booth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Where is it? Colorado? Yes. And apparently it has made the local news there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Okay, well, big shocker. Maybe somebody who worked as a park ranger in this area of Colorado took a liking for some reason we don't understand to my comedy stylings and asked me if I would autograph something for the park rangers and I sent it in and they put it up on the wall and it stayed there. And the fact that it's this big mystery, it's like someone's shoving a hot poker up my ass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
It's not, this is insulting. I'm gonna go back to, it's insulting. We can't figure out. Obviously, long before civilized man existed,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
This is, I'm sorry, Roxborough State Park. And to those anchors, I'm with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, you just have to have some time. But it's a great documentary in the way things lay out. They got everyone to talk. So they have different eagles talking about getting together and then they meet David Geffen. And then David Geffen says, oh, they were the best. They're fantastic. They were amazing. I knew right away. And then they all start working together. Everything's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
What? Why is Conan here? The real question is why, the question is why would someone like Conan? Why would someone cherish an autographed photo of Conan? What's this doing here? That's what you say, that's what you say when there's like a weird crop circle that no one can explain. What does this mean? I'm sorry somebody in Roxborough State Park once took a shining to my little colleague.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Didn't take it with them. It came and they were like, well, you got everything. Hey, what about the picture you had? Leave it. Let's leave it. It'll be a real mystery. It'll probably end up on the news.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Colorado, we've got beef. Coming for you. I'm coming for you. I don't even know what that means, I'm coming for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
You're going to go visit the park? Now there's another mystery.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah, exactly. Oh, wow. That is hilarious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And then some of them on camera start to say, yeah, but then we thought maybe this deal, maybe David Geffen's getting a lot of money. And they cut to David Geffen and he went, ah, musicians are in greats. You know, totally.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Sitting here with Sona Movsesian, of course, Matt Gourley. And what's going on, Sona? You have some announcements.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
He's always been a malcontent. But then they all go their separate ways from David Geffen. The documentary goes on for another bunch of years. And then they're all... The Eagles break up. Then they're all on their own. And Henley says, you know, I bump into...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
David Geffen and I'm thinking what was that all about let's get back together again and then they cut to Geffen and he's like I knew Henley he was the he was the voice and he was so magical and he could do no wrong and then they start working together for a little bit and Don Henley goes yeah and then I started to notice that you know my socks were missing and my watch was missing and then they cut to him he goes a malcontent he's always gonna be a malcontent
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
oh, we should get into that kind of lawsuit. People would love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yes. That'd be so fun. And everyone will know about the beef we have because it will constantly, we'll make sure that it's constantly in the trades, but no one will ever really understand what it's all about. We should buy a piece of property together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Well, we're going to start that. What's what's we'll tackle that later. OK, I promise you there'll be a John Mulaney, Conan O'Brien lawsuit coming very soon. Let me congratulate one song together. Called We Will Always Be Friends. Yeah, We Will Always Be Friends. Two content men. By the contentors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I want to compliment you. Everybody is live. First episode. I don't know when this airs. When does this air? You idiots. I'm sorry. I'm looking at my own people. Not you, John. I have nothing but respect for you because I don't see you that often. But I'm talking about the people I love and respect here. This episode? March 31st. Okay. So we'll have done three by then. Okay. And you know what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
We're not even going to edit this because I like people to see the process. We are fallible. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah. So he can sell the library. Yeah, Jimmy Carter still has two years to live as we record this. Now I have to edit. Okay, that thing you did, you ruined it. All right, I fucked up. I'll see you in court. I saw- That guy loved hospice. He was in hospice forever. He's better in hospice. Yeah, I know. Jimmy Carter's the only guy that went into hospice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And then like six weeks later, they saw him jogging around the neighborhood and lifting weights. He was down in Venice Beach weightlifting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Everybody's live. Your show makes me very happy. Thanks, man. And I really, I'm just delighted that you're doing it and kind of don't understand why nobody said, hey, I want to play with this format for a specific amount of time and really fuck around and play with it and then move on to some other stuff and then maybe come back to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
There was a, in my day, kind of a get down into the galley and pull that oar. You know what I mean? An hour a day, and it really does change the tenor of everything. And here you guys are just having fun. And I'm not sure, I know you're gonna do, you had the previous season, which had a different name. That was Everybody's in LA, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Now, wait a minute. Explain this to me. They had like a series of people were up for. Like a bracket? There was a bracket. Oh, my God. Look at this picture. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And you have a very... Your monologue, I thought, was very funny, but you talk about... You had a focus group. Look at the name. Everybody's in L.A. And you said, a lot of people in the United States don't like Los Angeles. No, it's really...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And you know what's interesting is that people- Pro-fire, the focus group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. May have started it. Yeah, may have started it. The fire is running for president next year as a Democrat. The thing that's shocking is if you drift around L.A. and get a little north, people in San Francisco hate L.A. Yeah. People in L.A. don't feel that way about San Francisco.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
I don't think they feel that way about any place. Yeah. People in L.A. are quite, oh, no, no. You know, I... Ask them about any place. Ask them about Boulder. They're like, oh, yeah, Boulder sounds great. I've never been there, but it sounds great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
There's a very open-mindedness towards other areas, but everyone's sort of decided that L.A. is a terrible place filled with terrible people. Mm-hmm. So I think you were right to change the title. Everybody's live. It's also funny to cave.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yeah. Yeah. Whatever you want. So it would be funny for you to you would enjoy being a narc, for example, or, you know, like to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
So to sell secrets to the Russians and not even profit from it. I love those people the most.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Or they're not even pro-Russia. They just enjoy it. It's fun to sell state secrets.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
He wanted to even things out. Yeah. I forget, Alger Hiss did something too, like he hit microfilm in a carved out pumpkin, I think. Listen, he was- Yeah, you kids, you better bone up on this. But Alger Hiss, of course, really was how Richard Nixon made his career. He made his bones prosecuting Alger Hiss. There you go. Little fun fact for you kids that are listening right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
This is why they won't let me have a weekly TV show anymore. Um- I would turn your show so quickly into Alger Hiss history.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
Yes, we we if we thought of an idea and it wasn't just anti establishment. No, it was just really ideas that delighted us. But we knew that anyone randomly tuning in would probably be very confused, except, you know, a young John Mulaney who might really like it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
If only I had known you then that would have I've said this other people would have given me great solace to know that you were out there as a kid rooting us on. Oh, my God. But I but yeah, we would do I think of the things we do now. And it's like watching yourself skateboarding over sharks, you know, in doing some stunt that you did at the time without thinking too much about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And now I look at it and I'm frightened for the younger me. because we would do a whole episode where Andy and I got locked in a meat locker and we had flashbacks. It's insane because we'd only been on the air for a couple of months and we were totally, I think it was all very suicidal and nobody was happy. We were making ourselves happy. But one of the things I saw,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
A true monster. Yeah. Nosferatu beat out. Snow White. My post-breastfeed knows for sure. Yeah. That's insane. So how many people, who knows about this contest, really knows about it? How many people were in the brackets? How many people were I up against?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
on your show that really made me happy, it's a great idea, was you got a bunch of people together who had played Willie Loman, some of them from Death of a Salesman, some of them quite like a bunch of very famous actors. Christopher Lloyd, Anthony LaPaglia, Rob Morrow. Yeah, and you got them in there and you did a focus group with them as... as a bunch of Willy Lomans.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
And it just, we live in this era where I think people got intoxicated at some point with comedy having a point and comedy meaning something and comedy driving the conversation and comedy, you know, whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
No, no. And I also, you know, I think it's a feedback loop sometimes because The press, that's what they cover.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
John Mulaney Returns Once More
The press likes to cover that kind of stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
No, I've been around people that have it. And you can't do anything. You can't have soup. You can't have peanut brittle around people that have misophonia.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I don't feel things. I think we have to get through the Soul Train Awards. And then we had Werner, the great Werner Herzog was here. He's helping us out with something in a really lovely way. But he was here and he's always been very nice to me. And he said he had heard the news and he said, Conan, you only have. And he said in that Werner Herzog voice, one mother and one father.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I don't know why that's coming out Irish. What the fuck happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Someone help me out here. I've got to access him. One mother and one father. That's pretty good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
There you go. Thank you. I don't know why I went to the leprechaun. One mother and one father. I don't fucking know. But you still got lucky charms. No, he's like, you have one mother, one father. And I just was, I was like, this is not helping for. Coming from him. Coming from him. And he said, and there is no afterlife. They've descended into a void of meaningless madness and chaos.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
He narrates his regular life like that? First, a little treat. And then I will descend again into chaos and madness. Anyway, yeah, it is, you're still going through it. And then what's strange is the expectation other people have for you, which is you just, you feel what you feel. And I'm, I don't know if it's an Irish quality or what, but I just sort of get through things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
What are you looking at me for? I'm just saying it's terrible. You're not a victim. Let's put it that way. I think I'm a victim in some ways. How so? Constant expectations of greatness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And so I've had people that have said, you just must be devastated. And I think, I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling. I know that I've, and then I noticed that I had put my watch on upside down and backwards. You're trying to reverse time. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what I was doing, but like my belt was on wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I was telling everyone, oh no, no, these things, well, they lived a long life and I think they enjoyed themselves and all was well. And they went peacefully and quietly and people would say, you just put your pants on over your head. And poured gravy into the bathtub. What are you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Right. Right. That's a gift to be able to feel sad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Don't be the villain in your, oh, sorry, we'll do that later.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Do you, I even remember the tagline from that stupid, not stupid, terrific mattress. Lizzie, you've described yourself as, and I can see it, that you were a tough kid. Was that before your mom passed? Is that your nature? Or was it because your mom passed at such an early age that you were a tough kid? And how were you a tough kid?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Wherever I go, I'm burdened by middling expectations. No, it's terrible for people that have that. And it's tough to be around.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
So you were not a great target for, say, bullies. Like, you would have chewed them up and spit them out. Or were you the bully?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yes. My daughter was constantly saying, I hate the way that it sounds when you consume the food that keeps you alive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yeah. That's a great superpower to care less about what other people think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I think age helps. And I know you and I are similar in this way. I have a social media presence, but I am not on social media. Yeah. Meaning, you know, through Team Coco and all of our different... Subsidiary enterprises. We will post things and if something's going to go out under my name, I will craft it or approve it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
But the last thing I would ever do in the world is type my name into the web and see what people are thinking or just live in that world because I think it is pure madness. I think, and as our friend Werner would say, chaos.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Why would you say that? Because you think you're supposed to be every day saying, this is the chia seed pudding that Lizzie had today.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You're going to do it. We brought out some chia seed pudding.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
That's a big question is when they get the phone. It was a big question for us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And then there are questions the other way, which is it can be a safety thing at a certain age. If they have a phone, they can call you. So it was a big debate. We wrestled with it a lot about what age.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
So when my daughter was born, she came out with 700 likes. Wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
No, I remember us getting in. We did pretty well. Liza would know the exact age because I was probably looking in a mirror and thinking about my career when this decision was finally made. Your social media, the mirror. My social media is the mirror. Look at that jawline. If only those eyes were a little bigger and they popped on screen. Conan, I need help with the children. Quiet!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You suck. It doesn't add up to me that you would feel you needed to do anything like that. I need to increase my social media presence or I have to do this or do that because you're so talented. And well, no, I'm saying I'm serious. You're so you have really no, I'm serious. You have such I don't see how do you guys see what I'm saying? I don't see how anything you're doing is enhanced by.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And this is how I make a Cobb salad. I don't think I fundamentally agree with that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You know, I looked into it. I am the expert. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I know, but it's the phantom leg syndrome. I'll tell you why I'm angry when I eat. Because I know that the food is sustaining my life, which is causing me pain.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I'm mad at the food because it's keeping me alive so that all this continues. Pretty dark, huh? Yeah. No, I will admit that I eat quickly and I do. I'm getting better. I'm trying to chew the food and be thoughtful. He said lying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Well, I always go back to, you just have to, you know, I don't know if I'm quoting Jersey Shore here, but you do you. I'm sorry. No, that's Werner Herzog as well. This is different. You do you in the chaos of the eternal void.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Werner Herzog was in, he was in one season. He was in one season of Jersey Shore where he told them all that they were in a void. But, but Lizzie, I always go back to who are my people? It's like my wife, my kids for you, you know, Tom's Alfie and who are my friends? And then what is my work that I do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I just always keep pulling myself back to that and saying, and then try to have empathy, which is working a muscle. You can't just say I have empathy. You just have to keep going at it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
See, that's how I... He's the nicest person I've ever met. Guys, guys, neither of you has the talking stick. He's like Dolly Parton. We have microphones.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
We've got to do this talking stick thing here. I intuitively fight against the bleakness, which gets harder and harder and harder with all the issues that come up. But if I didn't have kids, I would retreat into, well, my life went pretty well. And... You know, the earth does seem to be getting warmer, but I'll be gone before that's too much of a problem.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I would have the capacity maybe to think that way. I would hope that I wouldn't, but I would have the capacity to. But when you have kids, as you know, you're invested in, oh, okay. The future.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
But also right now, going through what you're going through with the loss of your dad, I found and I know that Sona's been through so much lately, lost her home in the end. But I remember talking to you right after you lost your house in the fire and you were saying, like, I've got these Mikey and Charlie and they need me present. They were kind of saving your ass. Yeah, definitely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You can't say to them, mom is going to just be depressed and weirded out for two years. I'll see you then.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Well, Danny, your brother, does he eat quickly or no? He eats with the calm assurance that he was the oldest. He only had one sister and no one was going to take his food.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Am I wrong that I love this episode? I mean, I Eduardo is the line. You're the line judge on these things. But This is right up my alley. Yeah, no, because this is, you know, excuse us for having a conversation. Shuckles over here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
No, no, but what I'm, this is, I don't know, it's making me feel a lot better. Yeah, it is kind of therapeutic. It's really therapeutic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Your father was in the corner brushing his mustache. He wasn't going to take it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
That's a good-looking mustache. There's no way that it just looks that way. He's combing it constantly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I lived in New York during 9-11, and one of my clearest memories is going out to dinner and the waitress would come over, the wait person would come over and say, would you guys like to start off with some drinks? And we'd say, well, how are you? And then the person would end up sitting down at the table and we would all chat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And I remember thinking, this is this weird Eden that we're all living in where all the old societal norms have gone out the window and people are really talking to each other. And if the bartender, you ask the bartender, you ask whoever's, you ask the person in the store, how are you? Where do you live? How are you doing? And that happened in New York City. And then I remembered it going away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Humanity just has this way of, if you hit a human being over the head with a big stick, he behaves himself for like six hours and then goes back to being whatever he was before. And I know that this too shall pass, but it's lovely while it's happening. And I'm noticing, I just keep having these great conversations with, I think I mentioned this, but there was...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Well, I'm going to have the police frisk Gil at the airport the next time he goes through. And I bet whenever he walks through the machine, he goes... And they, I mean, no, it's a metal comb. It goes, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Yeah, it's metal. And they take it out and it's this tiny little mustache comb. And then he has to explain to them. That's why his mustache looks so good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
had to go to Sundance for something. And there was a woman who was driving me to the event in Utah from Salt Lake to Sundance and started chatting with her. And it turned out she lived in LA. And I said, well, how's your place? She said, well, my place burned to the ground and she's driving me. And we just had this intense conversation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And I thought, well, this is kind of what it's supposed to be all the time, which is how are you, what's going on in your life, not to Drive me, driver. Where are the Tic Tacs? Which is what I reverted to by the end of the drive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
That's no excuse. A burnt Tic Tac's the best one. Yeah, so it's just perspective and empathy and all that kind of stuff isn't something you attain. It is a practice and it goes away and we all find ourselves drifting away from it and then something happens and we get pulled back into it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
That was really the sign because when it first happened, you would walk into a store and tell people that you had lost your home and they would give you this discount.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yeah. I want this scrunchie. Do you have a discount, ma'am? I know. It's 50 cents.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
To be fair, I would often go to a McDonald's and tell them or a cheesecake factory and tell them I had lost my home in a fire, even when I hadn't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I know. And they would be like, that sounds terrible. And I'd say, so this McFlurry. What are we talking about here? Can I get 80 cents on the dollar? And sometimes I'd put a little ash on my cheek. No! I did! What? I'm just telling you the real me. I kept, always keep a little ash in your pocket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
This riffs waste of everyone's time. Gil, my apologies. I love you. You're a good man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You'd be having a discount McFlurry right now. She had a little ash in your pocket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
There seems to be this consensus that I'm too old. Okay. Which I don't get. Because I think I'm very well preserved for a man my age.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Do you have any soup? Sir, I saw you drive up in a Porsche.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Well, I said it quickly. Let's not draw attention to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
It's a better name for me. What's the name you were thinking of naming your son but didn't because Tom? Mickey.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I'm sorry, but my parents would laugh at it. I can say that now because they're not here. They would laugh at that. Like them in the afterlife. No, we wouldn't. You asshole. We never liked you. I am going to get back on track here. Yeah, take it back. And I'm going to get back on track to one of the things that makes me very happy for you. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yes, I think that, and she's made me very conscious of the way I eat. And so she helped me that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Is that I think it is a wonderful era for people who have what it takes, have ability and have a work ethic. And you have all those things and you're getting to do consistently this really cool work. you have this project now, Zero Day. And I was looking at the cast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
This is on Netflix. And I'm like, you know, I've had so many people sit in the chair that you're in. And people talk a lot about body dysmorphia and how people can think they look a certain way and they don't and they hate on themselves. And I consistently believe that there's something called career dysmorphia that hasn't been diagnosed yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And I'd like to invent that and submit that to the New England Journal of Medicine. But I've had... Al Pacino sat in that chair and talked so much about the huge chunks of his career that didn't work out and how they didn't want him for The Godfather and how he couldn't get a job in movies in the late 80s and thought he was through and how he thinks all the bad reviews people told him about him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And I kept wanting to cut him off and saying, you're Al Pacino. You're the face of film for at least the 70s. You do iconic work in every decade. And you have it too? It's just so funny to me that you would talk about, oh, you know, the fallow periods, and maybe I could do more if I got the word out on my chia seed recipe. And you're in Zero Day on Netflix.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Your co-stars are Robert De Niro, Angela Bassett, Connie Britton, Jesse Plemons, and- Matthew Modine. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And it's the best work I see now is limited series is is our cinema.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
It's interesting. I'm trying to picture you watch yourself. I hate it. Yeah, I would imagine you would.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You talking about Jeff Ross? Jeff Ross is a chomp, chomp, smack, smack man, and I think we can all agree on that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yeah. Okay, yeah. He'll be talking to me and be like, so anyway, and I'm like, what are you eating? And sometimes it's something that doesn't even need chewing, like a melting, what do you have there, Jeff, a melted popsicle? What are you chewing for? It's two days old. It was in the back of my car in the sun. So it's liquid. That's right. Anyway, I think we're going to go out to the East Coast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I got this play I'm going to go do in the West End.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Which camera are you looking to? The American camera.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
The last observation that I will make is, and I'm certain I'm right about this, as dire as things are right now, and this is my need to be optimistic, but I also think this is accurate. Let's say you could go back in time to what you would consider like the classic period of making entertainment. And it's like the 1930s, the 1940s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
They would have watched you in Mean Girls and they would have said, she's great. She's really funny. That's what she does. And that's what you would have done for the next 50 years of your career. And because we live in this different era, there's nothing you can't do in this era. Whereas they would have definitely put you in a slot. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And you would have been punished for being really good at one thing and they never would have seen the other thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
So even if that means there's iPhones and other problems.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Big yacht guy. Yeah, big yacht. I know my yachts. You got big yacht energy. I am. Mega yacht energy. That's the only big energy I have. I have big yacht energy. No, I love a big yacht. I like being invited. I like being at the beck and call of a billionaire. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then when they say, like, dance for us, I do a little something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
That's not true. I heard. But I'm saying happily. I'm happily stuck in my lane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
We'll be there for the SNL thing. There's nothing in your mouth right now. Yeah, he's an open mouth chewer. But he'll hear this. Does he listen to the podcast? I don't think he does. Yeah, here and there. But this is my way of talking to him now, is through the podcast. Podcastively aggressively? You know what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Why am I getting smaller and squeakier as an orphan? But Lizzie, this was a lovely conversation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Well, we're going to put laughter over all the parts. When you talk about losing your dad, when you talk about losing your dad and I talk about losing my parents, we're just going to pipe in laughter from the 1940s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I love Lucy laughs. Nothing has changed. It's only you've only today confirmed my feelings about you, Lizzie, which is you're one of my all time favorite people. You are incredibly hyper, insanely talented, and you're a real person. And every time I see you, you're Lizzie Kaplan and you're very wise and just a delight to be with you. Thank you very much. I'm going to say it zero day Netflix.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yes, the only thing I'll add to that, this was many years ago. I don't think it's still true, but when I was a kid, probably around 1970, 71, on the back of a magazine, there were these things that you could, on the back of a comic book, there were things you could send away with.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
One of them famously was like x-ray specs, and it showed a guy, I mean, it's so not PC today, but a guy looking at a woman in a dress, and the idea was that you put these on and you can see through her dress.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
How many of those did you buy? 700. And they do work. Yeah. One of the things that really intrigued me was give us, I don't know what it was. Seven dollars. Seven dollars. And we'll send you a working mini Polaris sub that fires missiles. You can get inside. It has a periscope. Now, I never did it, but all these years later, it floats into my mind every now and then. What the hell was that thing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
What did you, because legally, if you send them $7, they have to send you something. Yeah. And so we brought it up and you remembered it too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
This is a great, I'm very passive aggressive, and this is a great way to talk to people who I know and love in my life and tell them how I really feel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Oh, my God. Wait a minute. I swear to God, that kid looks like me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I mean, that's what I looked like back in the day. He's got the same bowl haircut, the same look of just defeat. Oh, no, no, no. But that. Wait a minute. That, I have to say, looks more impressive than I thought.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Okay. So I don't know. This is helping me. This is actually, this is therapeutic. This is giving me some closure because that's something. Yeah. You get inside and it does close and it's got, I mean, seven bucks. Yeah. I guess this is seven bucks back then. So now this would be the equivalent of like $35. That's true. So, or $50. I don't know. Times have changed. It's so funny.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
He looks so far from water. I know. It's like definitely Wisconsin. He's in the Midwest. There isn't a body of water for 800 miles. And he's like...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yeah, and there's a fence way in the backyard and then power lines. All you can see is just lawn and no ocean.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I used to, too. I used to if a big box came in, it was just a done deal that either Luke or I would get to build something with it. So I don't know. I'm I'm I am not disappointed by that. Me neither. That actually looks like looks better than I thought it was going to look.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I'm so this this this I salute this company and I think this should have been used by the military.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
This must have thrilled your parents when they went to use the vacuum. Does this look familiar to you? Yes. It lifts 200 pounds. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Okay. All right. This guy actually built the vacuum. Okay. And here's the order. Astronauts iron on with order. Okay. You can float on air free. Lifts 200 pounds. So basically, yeah, a hovercraft you could build. I remember this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Oh, why are you doing all this miming on camera? Anyone can look up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
What? Oh, I know this website. It's called Bad Use of Your Time. Well, I'm supposed to do dialysis today, but I figured I'll build this hovercraft from the 60s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Big problem here is you have to take the motor out of your parents' vacuum cleaner. And that was not going to fly in my house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Don't throw me under this bus. Yeah, just because we don't answer every one of your questions.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Live in the moment. Well, you know what? I have to say there is closure here. Good. I now know what Rosebud means. That helped me. That helped me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Hey there, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Put a little pause there, Adam West style, to add a little drama. Yeah, it was very. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined by Sonam Obsession. Hello. And of course, Matt Gourley. Hello. And guess what? This is a different little take on things. I've got some gum in my mouth right now. Oh, I hate that sound.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I don't know, because it was a mystery that never got solved. It was an itch that never got scratched. It was a riddle that never had an answer. And now you have shown me what it was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yeah, those are called steroids. Ah. That's kind of a comic book. That's called juicing. I don't know what they were promising. They were just probably sending you a booklet that says, take two soup cans from mom's kitchen and start using them to make a bicep. But now we know what that is, which is medical grade chemicals that will transform your body. And I don't know because I'm on them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Well, then this is the perfect way that she listened to the podcast. Wait, I'm not even saying this is a sheet. No, I mean, you could have married anyone. It's legal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Sadly, I've been on them for my entire life. Oh, no. What would you have looked like? I'd have had no skeletal structure. Well, that was fun. Thank you for doing that. That that that helped me. And I hope it helped everyone else who listens from my generation who remembers that. Sona, you seem confused.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Hey, they're Armenian too. We all live in this neighborhood. What about you? What did you mention?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You know, I have to say, all of these things are true disappointments. The sub is looking pretty good. Now that you mention it. I'm just saying I'm happy because the one I dreamed about the most actually appears to be somewhat valid. Would I take it deep into the North Atlantic? And attack a Russian sub? Probably not, but that kid seemed pretty happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And then maybe in some other, you know, fold in time, that kid is me, you know? Well, this has been a strange end to any conversation. I'm going to sign off now, but dreams deferred. We'll continue. It's the new segment. Peace out, Tupac. Oh, geez. Live your dreams, or your dreams live you. I have no ending for this, so I'll just keep talking. No, please.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
And we end, or do we? A beginning becomes a reality as we finalize. We'll see you next week. Oh, he's turning my sound off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
It's a dynamic. Yeah. And I think it's fair to say that in all relationships, especially the one you're talking about, which is a marriage, No, this is my clergyman. Okay. Yes, that's right. Pastor Samuelson.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
They always get together for beans. Yes, I take my dinners with my clergyman out in the cloister. You have oysters in the cloister. Me so horny. Listen, you got to admit, that was the natural. It was a home run. The lights exploded. Eduardo watched me trot in slow motion around the field with Robert Redford's body.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
That would be difficult. I have the same issue. I eat quickly, as do most people that grew up in a prison or penitentiary.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I put my arms around my food to protect it from my brother, Neil, who used one of those supermarket grabbers to reach over and get my food. He was ingenious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
It could be. There's a new installment. So you guys understand. Disney keeps cranking them out because they can't stop. They don't have other content. It's not easy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Now you're getting personal. All right, well anyway, yes, live life to its, you are Zorba the Greek, man. Just living life to its fullest. Mmm, this small thimble full of iced tea. Decaffeinated.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
It's called knowledge of history. The Nerd Off. Oh, please. I think when I read history, I'm educating myself about the history of our nation, maybe with an eye towards how we should move forward. What you're doing is living in a fantasy world of Gax Bixnor, Chaz Bilney, Rax Haxeldax, Zorth Bithri, and Arndang Despo. Arndang Despo.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I know, people don't like that. All right, I'm going to take it out. But anyway, I just thought it kind of made me look like a guy that doesn't, I don't know, I don't care that much about my work. I just do it. I'm just kind of an artist, you know? You just, you forgot it in there. Yeah, I forgot it was in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
All right, my guest today. Oh, God. There's no transitions in this universe. They were done away by the Empire. Destroy all transitions.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
No, someone with emphysema. Okay. My guest today... How do we know Darth Vader didn't have emphysema? And there was no device assisting him. My guest today has... My guest today is a... I have some... No, no, no. I have some thinking I have to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You need to go look in the mirror for a long time, buddy boy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Dick wish? This is what you held up our guest for? I hope you're proud of yourself. You sure showed me. I don't know how I'm going to recover from that lethal blow. My guest today. All right, I'll allow it. You know what? This is, I love this person. What's happening, son? Are you okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Of course, she's a very talented actress. You know her from such films, TV shows as Mean Girls, Party Down. I just, she's one of my favorite people. You know that. Yeah, you can see her in the Netflix series Zero Day. She's so crazily talented. I also happen to know that she's an amazing person in every way you would want someone to be an amazing person. I'm excited. I'm thrilled she's here today.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Lizzie Kaplan, welcome. Well, as you're well aware, I've got a bad case of Lizzie Kaplan. She's one of my favorite people. Of all time, your work and also just you as a person, I'm just going to start off saying it. We've hung out a little bit on the side, and I just always leave thinking, Jesus Christ, that Lizzie Kaplan. Is there anyone cooler than this woman? I have not met her. Damn. Damn.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Seriously. Seriously. I absolutely adore you. Thanks, Conan. And I know you're going through some stuff right now. And I know your father just passed, which is bizarre because I just went through this with my parents in December. Both of them went at the same time, like it was a suicide pact. Oh. Which it was not. But it just sounded suspicious in the press.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Like, my dad went, and then my mom went two days later, and it just sounds like, okay, this is a murder, you know? But it wasn't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Yeah, exactly. But no, so we were chatting a little bit out in the hall, and I said... We don't need to talk about this, but it might be good to talk about because I just went through it. It's so fresh in my mind, the different weird feelings that you feel. So if it helps you at all, we can talk about it and then I'll charge you $350. Cool. Great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I don't know. I didn't put much thought into it. And then you asked for an explanation and the whole thing fell apart. Like wet cardboard. The gum is out of my mouth. For those of you, what is it called when you hate the chomping scent? Misophonia. Misophonia. I think I have it. Yeah, I've got misophonia.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I did recognize that pill. Yeah. Big fan, by the way. Oh, man. Hey, keep that Prozac coming.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You guys are doing amazing work. We have a bowl of it here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Interestingly, I don't know if you remember this, but I met your dad. I do remember that. And I had a very long chat with your father. It was at a party, I believe here in Los Angeles. And you came in afterwards and said, what were you doing? And I said, oh, me and your dad were just talking. and we talked for a really long time, and you looked aghast. Like, oh my God, what did he do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
What did my father say? But I remember him very fondly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
I know what you're saying because Sona came when my parents passed. Sona and a couple of the other people, not you, Eduardo, came out because you had better things to do. No, right. There was a big game that night. No, it was in Boston and I didn't expect anyone to come. And so some of the people who I work with... flew to Boston to be there, which was very nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
It was so funny because I just wanted to make Sona laugh. And so Sona came up to me at some point. And remember, I was just going like, I'm an orphan. Yeah. But playing it up for sympathy when I'm a 61-year-old white guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
But it's just absurd. I kept saying like, I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight. Yeah, you're gonna sleep at the Four Seasons Hotel, you fucker. You know, I just... I did feel the same kind of thing, which was just, oh, I guess I'm an orphan, but I don't get to walk around with a big 1920s cap. Well... You're...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
You two of you should hop a boxcar. We should. As orphans. We should walk along together. Two scruffy orphans. Two scruffy orphans in the Four Seasons Hotel. Wait a minute. That looks like Lizzie Kaplan and Conan O'Brien. There's an SUV following them. Like 15 feet behind in case they need anything. So anyway, but yes, I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Lizzy Caplan Returns
Also, you were 13. I was 13, which is crazy. Everyone thinks, oh, it'd be the worst if you were two or three. And I've read some about this. And it's no, if you're it's apparently the worst time is if you're a teenager. That's when it can impact you the most.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I remembered watching it. All of us were blown away. Your Tom Cruise impression was fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Jim Downey, great. Who's been on this podcast, amazing head writer. When he saw something that was great, he knew this has to just be on. I find it so interesting that people can go back and look at that Color of Money parody that you did and you should look it up and check it out. But to me, it was saying, it occurred to me today, oh, this was the way to go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You were ahead of your time, in my opinion. I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
When I first saw you, you were doing a spot on Tom Cruise impression. And then you flash forward all these years with Tropic Thunder. Yeah. and Tom Cruise plays this executive in Tropic Thunder. I've talked to Tom Cruise about it. It is one of the funniest cameos. He comes out of nowhere and I know that he came to you when you, I don't know if you approached him about playing this character.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
What's the character's name? Is it Lou? Les Grossman. Les Grossman. Yeah. He had like two requests. Jewish. Yeah. I mean, it's never really stated, but it's kind of implied. Just occurred to me now that's a Jewish name. But he had requests, right? He had two requests. Correct me if I'm wrong. Or you could say he wanted his hands.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
What's crazy to me is that when he said those things to you, you might have been thinking, oh, what? I don't know, did you right away say?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, yeah. Anyway... This is a jacket that it was like the day before Christmas. And I saw this jacket in a store and I tried it on. I thought, that's a nice jacket. So I just bought it and I drove home and I handed it to my wife and said, just give this to me tomorrow. And she said, OK. She said, should I wrap it? And I went, you don't even have to wrap it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But at the end, And then he said he wanted to dance, yeah. When he starts dancing. First of all, I talked earlier when we started out about your body of work, and it is crazy. There's so many movies that you've directed which have so many moments in them where I go like, okay, that's one of my favorite comedy moments. Zoolander, the gasoline station fight. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
When they're throwing gasoline on each other and laughing in slow motion. Slow motion. It is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It delights me every time I think about it. Also, when you and Owen are trying to hack into a computer and you become more or less apes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's a masterclass in the difference between this way is funny, this way is not. It's awful. And you can't really explain why, but... No, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But that is a great, like I say, if you ever teach a class on comedy, which, which would sell out just the idea of this is the way we showed it in the movie. Yay. Let me show you a way that we didn't go with people crying and screaming. If it bends, it's funny. Yes, no, it's true, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I thought, is that, do either of you two relate to that? Is that something that happens? I've been married now 22 years. Is that what happens?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
In Tropic Thunder, when you're running across the bridge and you... When the kid gets thrown, I got on the floor. It's so wrong in every way. It's so wrong in every way. Like, there's not anything else that's wrong in that movie. No, no. There's... There's so much that's- Nothing comes to mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But absolutely, so just the body of work, Reality Bites, Cable Guy has so much funny shit in it, you know, and- Well, like all those are, you know, collaborations with people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
who are funny and you know it doesn't just come from me it's you know it's well i could always tell that because all those years when i was doing the late night show through all your different stages you would always show up and want to and say okay let's do something and you would come with ideas and then you would spend a long time making the this great idea come to life working with other people working with us and then you would do this thing it would be on it you know
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
12.50 at night on NBC and you either saw it or you didn't. This was before internet and it was, I mean, it was great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It was it was it was now I look back on it and I think, wait a minute. We were doing a 1230 show and Ben Stiller would come by and work all day on doing a nine minute comedy piece for us. You know, but I was thinking, how did I, how did, how did that happen? Like that's that. I mean, I, I, I did something right in a previous life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, exactly. I'm like, it'll be good. We'll come over. No, that's the problem is a late night host now would look at like, oh no, I saw you. You did Jesus Christ Superstar with Conan. So we thought maybe you could do a thing where you're Godzilla and you're like, no, I just want to come out in a good Tom Ford suit. Exactly. Chat about my work. Yeah, I'm tired. Are you...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
My son did this as a kid. He was really into tech stuff and he would send us like, here are the nine things. This is the XC755G, whatever, something board, motherboard. Just click here and it will be delivered. He took all the joy out of, just click here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I heard you were working on a documentary about your parents. And I wanted to talk about that because I grew up watching your parents, the great Ann Mira, Jerry Stiller. And I remember they were kind of ubiquitous when I was a kid. I thought they were really funny. I'd see them on Love American Style or... They'd be these different, they'd be in ads. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I just knew, oh, these are these really funny people, but I didn't know exactly who they were. And then later on, they came on the show in their own right. Of course, your dad was on Seinfeld. Yeah. Very well known that way. Yeah, I mean, they had, yeah, they were a comedy team. An old school comedy team.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Interesting. Yeah, and- Did they do like Sullivan and all those shows? They did.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I have a sense memory of them because there was that era where a comedy team could come into people and talk about like half the country would be watching. Yeah. Them do a routine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It's hard for people to know now because there's 75, there's an infinite number of outlets. Yeah. So there's no such thing as, well, I came on Conan, or I came on one of Conan's late night show a couple of years ago and he wasn't pleased. So we're through in the business. Well, no, there's a billion other places to go. There's no such thing as you're through kid. You displeased me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But this was a different era where if Sullivan didn't like you and there was a problem, that was it. That could be it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So I didn't used to do that, but I think it's just because I'm now in a different stage of life where I'll see something, you know, this isn't that much. I'm not splurging. It's a corduroy jacket. It's perfectly nice. I would like to wear that, hand it to my wife. I think she kept it in the bag. I handed it to her. You guys don't want any surprise?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I'm editing this part out of the podcast. Let's come up with a number, gang. I needed Conan. That's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, first of all, I love that. I love that. And I do think that it was so nice that your dad got to have that role. And then he's in King of Queens after that. And so he has this whole- Yeah, it changed his life. And there's a whole generation that knows him from that stuff. You know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I'll do a dance for you, whatever you want. Boy, do I relate to that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It's funny, because I know you did, early on, you were a musician, drummer. Well, just sort of. Super early on, but did you ever think that was going to be it, or did you always know? No, I was not a great drummer. I was a terrible drummer. I know you were in a band called Capital Punishment. Capital Punishment, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Right, I was in a band called The Bad Clams, and I was a drummer, and then I told them, I'm out. I don't have time for this. I've got other things. And I remember thinking, good luck without me. And they replaced me with a drum machine. Oh. Can we do that on this podcast? And people were just like, whatever, it's better. It's keeping time correctly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But yeah, that was just a that was a that was a moment for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, and in that documentary, they're saying things like, you mean great, like a great drummer, like, you know, Keith Moon from The Who and he goes, no, I'm talking about real drum. I mean, people are mentioning icons to him or John Bonham from Led Zeppelin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You have, just in addition to these movies you're directing, and you had all this crazy success as an actor, and then you've sort of made a conscious decision to step back a little from that, I'd say in the last five, seven years, and say, okay, what I really want to do is craft things, direct, produce. Was that a conscious decision?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I loved, to me, it's about, you get to craft something. You get to take some time. I know how much telling a story visually is important to you. And so you get time to, let's get this exactly the way we want it. And I always think the plus and minus of doing things that are live or done quickly is, is we'll grab it, it may not go our way. Sometimes when it goes well, you get the rush.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
When it goes badly, it's over and it's time to do another one. But if you get to really craft something, it's a very different feeling, I would guess. Over a long period of time, you get to think about what is this gonna look like? How am I going to tell this story?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Did you ever consider being in prison for several years? Do you really... I mean, if you really, I'm sorry, if you really, if he really wants to capture the story, I think he should have, if you took it seriously, I think you would have done three years in prison. Years?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I thought you did a fantastic job, but think about what you could have done if you had been in prison. If I'd actually experienced it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
many of our listeners want me in prison right now well this this leads me uh nicely to severance because i'm lucky enough to be friendly friends with and encounter people all the time especially in the comedy world and acting world and so i kind of semi know adam scott and uh my wife and i watch severance when it comes out and i shortly after that i see adam scott and i said
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
that was the best thing that's been on television in memory. That was fantastic. And he was like, oh, you know, thanks a lot, man. And I was like, no, no, no. And I'm like, I think I put my hand on his chest. Like, no, no, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You don't understand. Why? I know there's a show business thing. Have you felt his chest, Adam Scott's chest?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, but my... You know, the way there's a show business thing of, hey, man, I saw your thing. It was really good. And it's, you'll say it about me at some point, but. That's so sad. It'll come out naturally. We'll edit it in. And I'll touch your chest. But I, it was very important to me to let him know, no, no, no, no, I'm not doing that thing. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I'm doing this other thing where, and he was, you know, appreciative, I think, and then just wanted to get away. But the quality of the storytelling, the intricacy of it, the respect it has for the audience, it's so smart. And there's so many layers to it that there's, I mean, I've gone into deep dives where people discuss, you know, just various levels of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, you mean like you want to get the clothes yourself?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And it all holds up because when you put that much thought into something, it's really beautiful when people appreciate it and see it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And start to go like, oh, wait a minute, what do you think's going on? And the whole concept of severance is fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You don't know. You've basically built this giant contraption and you put it out there and you don't know, is it going to work? Yeah. What if people watch the first episode and say, I don't care.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, I've always said it takes a lot of talented people working really hard to make something shitty. Meaning when you see something and everyone sits around and hate watches it or says this is bad. That was a lot of oftentimes very talented people working really hard. And it just didn't come out quite the way they wanted it to. Or it came out at the wrong time or whatever. Whatever it is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Whatever it was. And then those same people can work on something and it can be absolutely amazing. And you're all in on it the whole time. Yeah. So you can't go back. And it's just sort of like, okay, so this is it. There are these moments, I talked to you earlier about, there are always these moments in your work where I remember them. They're really fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
There was a moment, there's so many moments in the first season of Severance that were, first of all, the look of it. And there are moments as where I think you as a director, the use of corridors and ceilings, like... When I watch this show, I feel like I'm down underground and I'm in that place. And it's a very specific, the lighting, the look of it, the vibe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You've got these great wide, like flat shots sometimes. And it does feel a little bit like Kubrick or something. It's just like all the references are absolutely incredible and bears rewatching. Like you can rewatch it over and over and over again. It's really hypnotic. But there's a moment with the actor, he plays Lance. Is it Trammell Tillman? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Then you have to get a new penis. Then you know what to ask for.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
There's a moment, I'm not giving anything away, where he goes into a dance in this first season. And it's my favorite moment in television of that year because it's not part of his character, but then he goes into this kind of dance. And the way you shoot it, and I think I've watched it like 20 times. Yeah. I don't know this gentleman. Please tell him I'm his biggest fan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But that was my favorite moment. It was so, it came at me in such a weird way from the side. You know what I mean? It came through my peripheral vision and it was so fantastic. And the way it was scored, the music. And and the tension building while he's doing this kind of what's supposed to be a joyous thing. It was. Yeah, it's sort of David Lynch. It's everything. It's like 15 different.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I took your penis away when I bought you this gift. What is it? A penis! I sold my vagina.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
At the heart of this show is this concept. And again, this isn't giving anything away because anyone who's listening to this and you need to watch this show, but you also, if you haven't seen the first season, watch that. And the concept is people working at this company and to go into this company, they descend and they're disassociated from their previous life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And so their work life and the person who's up above ground, they're the same person. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I sold my vagina to get you this penis. I sold my penis to buy you a vagina. Oh, Henry's worst story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And you see there's a subtle thing you do with the lens when you're going when Adam Scott's going down the when the elevator. And I don't know what it is. I don't technically understand it, but something happens where you can see the focal point kind of change just a little bit enough to know that they've gone through a transformation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So everyone's severed from what's happening to them at the top of the world. And there are so many analogies to that, which is why would these people choose to do that? And one of the things, and I might be fishing here, but it very much felt to me like, oh, this is like alcohol or drugs, people that something happened in their life, they want to disassociate from it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And anyone who's had issues with drugs or alcohol knows that there's a reason you're doing that. You want to be somebody else because being who you are and feeling that's too painful. It's just really, I mean, there's like 35 different scholars could talk about all the different things that are brought up in one way or another in Severance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And the work they're doing is so, I mean, it's really funny. The work they're doing on their computer screens is hilariously, I mean, it is analogous to how a lot of people feel about their jobs, right? You know, I'm here moving these numbers around. Kind of widgets. Widgets. And it doesn't make sense. When I watch it, it doesn't make sense.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But when someone does it, they're like, good for you, you did it. And I think many people, many Americans watching it would say, that's what it feels like at work.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, but when you get her her ninth, look, it's a chess set made of cork. They've only made a few of these in the 30s. What a horrible gift. You know, does she go, oh my God, this is amazing. Or do you ever see a single tear?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So he wrote, I mean, to me, it's also, it is a great message for people that there are a lot of people that say, oh, it's all who you know. And it's like, no, if you have a really good story to tell and a great idea and you write it, the cream does, the truth does out. The cream does rise to the top.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
If you put something out there that's of real quality, it's going to bounce around and someone like you was going to find it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Also, this cast you have. I mean, I mentioned Adam Scott and Britt Lauer is amazing and incredible in it. But also, you've got John Turturro. You've got Christopher Walken. I mean, you've got... There's something really fascinating about this show, which is that people naturally, when they work together, want to create community.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And there's something happening here at Lumen where they kind of really don't want people... talking, they don't want people getting too close to each other. Right. And that's another mystery. And I know, I think the reward of a show like this is that you get really smart fans online. And there are so many of them. Yeah. That are all arguing about what does this mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And Eduardo, when I came in, Eduardo was, no, but no, Eduardo, you said, you said, you. I said, don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up. Severance, man, don't fuck this up. Not my quote. Ben Stiller has been around a long time and we could shoot the shit about a lot of things. And I do intend to spend a half the time talking about Severance. You're like, you don't fuck it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
He's seen me fuck up a lot of stuff. But I read an interview with Patricia Arquette, who's amazing in the show, and she has this quote about you as a director. It was just about your tenacity, how hard you work, how important it is to you that you get it right. It was really lovely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah. I haven't gotten to that point yet. but I've heard tell you can only control so much. I've learned the hard way, you know? Well, but I will say on a personal note, like when you walk in the door, you seem happy. Yeah. And I know that you're someone who, one of the, maybe the subtitle of this podcast could be, sometimes I want it to be, be careful who you envy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Like I want to talk to people and let everyone know everyone's got shit. Everyone has got things that they're dealing with. And Predominantly, I get to talk to people like yourself who are very talented and have done this amazing work. And you're trying to figure out most of the things that everyone else is trying to figure out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
She got mad at you because you spent too much money. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So when you walked in after all these years to see that you look great, you seem happy, this is incredible work you're doing. And I love that you're able to say to yourself, yeah, I can go back and be in something again. I think you're gonna go back and maybe do a cameo in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I mean, like you can dip into that when you want, but you can enjoy this and also enjoy your life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Enjoying your life. I mean, and that's that. And you and I are talking about it as if we don't know what that is. I know. Exactly. We've heard tell of this life thing. My agent tells me my children are thriving. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, it's okay. And you're keeping it in because, you know, that's fine. And you know what? We love your wife and I take her side. But it was really expensive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
We don't know what's happening. I think I'm told I have kids. I have to go up in the elevator.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, I am delighted for you. I'm really delighted. I figured it all out. I have no problems. Why are you crying? You're crying as you say it, and it's tears of blood. It's just fucking weird. Yeah. I just figured it all out. Ben, just an absolute joy to see you again. You too, man. I'm so delighted for you. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Thanks. And I have a very just nice, funny little memory of I lived predominantly on the Upper West Side for years, all those years I was doing late night. And for some reason, I would always run into your mom on the Upper West Side, and she was so lovely to me and such a real person on the Upper West Side. You know, such an Upper West Side.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, she was absolutely, you know, we Catholics have to stick up for each other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
If it's weird and indulgent, if it's weird and indulgent, I'm going to love it. All right. That's what you are, weird and indulgent. Okay. I think I spelled it out enough. Yeah. Hey, Ben, thank you so much. Yeah, man. And congrats on Severance. Great to see you. Thanks, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, but maybe times were tight. Maybe she knew that... We were fine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yes, I do try to reuse merchandise as much as possible because we know where our merchandise is sent. And so I try to go there. So I'm often in my downtime patrolling the Midwest, the Southern states, the Southwest and the Pacific Northwest looking for people wearing Conan Merchant. And I just try to reclaim it as best I can so we can sell it a second time. That's what it was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I do sometimes take other stuff when I'm in the houses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, she's still not sure how she feels. Well, what do we think of this story?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yes, I'm gonna say that too. I think, and I wanna say this to all my fans. If someone, and first of all, let me start by saying to this woman, true travels of hope. I wanna say to true travels of hope that I very much appreciate that you're a loyal fan and that our nonsense has meant something to you. And so this comes from the bottom of my heart. Our merchandise is not worth risking your life for.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Mm-hmm. No. This is very shoddy material. It's often repurposed. Some of it might be toxic and endangering your life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's an old Friday Night Lights shirt that we spray painted over using really an out-of-date spray paint. So no, do not risk your life. Do not approach a burglar. If anyone approaches you and says, you know, give me that Conan O'Brien merch, Just give it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I know. Also, here's another thing. She said she ripped it off. Like he's a stripper. Like it's a tearaway shirt. I think the shirts are so threadbare and cheap that you can just rip them off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Or most Conan, most people that own Conan merch are so, and I'm speaking about myself in the third person, so love Conan that they rarely take it off and it becomes threadbare more quickly, hence easily to tear. So I think that's a possibility. I don't know. I don't think people should be risking their lives for Conan merch. No. Especially the mugs. I mean, the mugs often explode.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You know what? I'm going to say this. If I get anything for the kitchen, I know I'm in very dangerous territory because my wife, my wife runs the kitchen. And and if I walk in the door and I'm like, look, it's a giant juicer that only does pineapples.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's been proven. Mugs could be good weapons. Yeah. No, not our mugs. They just turn to powder the minute you hit someone. But it's nice. She did say we met, but she doesn't say where we met. She said it was midnight. And I can't tell from the picture where we were. So maybe it's when I broke back into the house to get the shirt back after my initial failed attempt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You realize I'm the guy that asks people, would you like a selfie? Yes. When often they don't even have a phone near them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But, well, I'm glad she got her shirt back. I'm glad she's okay. I'm glad she's okay. But I do think we should take a lesson away from this that, you know, look, if it's Marvel merchandise, yes, fight for your life to get it back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I remember once Sona and I were in Worcester, Massachusetts, and there is an armory there. And there's an armor museum, a museum of like Flemish, British, French armor from 18th and 19th century. And we were in there, and this is during Sona's, let me see if I can get away with this phase. Sona walked out wearing a full suit of armor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It was from 1622. And it had all this fancy filigree on it. And so the guy said, excuse me, miss, I think you, and she was like, what, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And you had the visor down, so he didn't even know. Right? He didn't know who you were.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It was a suit of armor that you stole from Worcester, Massachusetts, and you should give it back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Can you look up the, what's the Museum of Armor? We're fact-checking this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
This fake story? It's not fake. It really happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Worcester, Massachusetts, Museum of Armor. Come on. What do you mean I'm working on it, old lady?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Higgins Armory? Yes! Higgins Armory, it was the one thing when I would go visit my cousins, every time my aunt would say it would be raining out, we'd be like, we got nothing to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And she'd say, go to the Museum of Armor. Oh, my God. And so we'd drive over to the Higgins Museum of Armor. And there was no attempt to make it look interesting. Just literally a giant warehouse. And someone had lots of suits of armor that they just laid out. They didn't even put mannequins in them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Greatest days of my life. Boy, did this little orange-haired boy love a suit of armor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And then the beatings commenced. Anyway, take care, fans. Don't stop crime. And visit the Higgins Armor Museum in Worcester, Massachusetts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It's been badly stored. Yeah, I know. I've done that. I've purchased a few things for the kitchen. And I noticed that she was very pleasant about it at the time. And then it went away. Mm-hmm. It got exchanged for something else.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Got a nice little podcast humming along here. Got Sonam Obsessian joining us. I don't normally say this, but that was adorable. Didn't you think? That's a nice little podcast we got.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
What is it, the Great Depression? What are you talking about?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I agree. Now, first of all, I'm not saying expensive presents, but I'm sorry, on the holidays, when kids come down, little kids, it has to be so many presents, it's mind-boggling. And I don't care. I know people are going to say, well, this is terrible. What if people can't afford it? Steal them if you have to. What? Kids have to be just spending hours.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
The room has to be filled with crumpled paper when the day is over.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, I know that. You've been wearing your Dr. Zayas special for like 20 years now. Dr. Zayas.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I know, but that's too much. I mean, it's really. What kind?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It looks like you slept in a bus station or something. For God's sake.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I bet you have. But the question is, with who? By myself. By yourself, eh? So you were just traveling. I like trying to still do the sexy leering talk. Long after the sexy part's over. So you weren't just by yourself having a nap, huh?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Wearing a bulky jacket by yourself. That's not bulky. Listen, you've wore that jacket too long. We're not going to get stuck on that. But get a new jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Can I just get you guys to shut up? I do have jackets I've had for a long time, but I have more than one. More than one. More than one. If someone stole your jacket, you're freezed to death. It's the only jacket you have.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's how I feel about it. Wow. I do. I do feel like we got this nice, nothing grand, nothing fancy, nothing you could, you know, you put this on the lot, it'll be the last car to go. But I think it's a sweet little ride. You know, I like it. I think it's an adorable little podcast and I'm proud of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It gets cold at night into the 40s, some say. Hmm. All right, listen. I won that one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, and you get her an espresso machine, and the whole thing blows up in your face.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I mean, no, that was, you took a chance. It didn't go well. I am gun-shy since then. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I bought your dad a new mustache, and he wears it every day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
All I have to do when I do an impression of her dad is put a finger under my nose, and there he is. There's Gil right there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, you just did it. You just put the finger under your nose to do your dad. Dad, don't make me do that. I put this wrap sign up hours ago. All right, we're going to wrap it up. Anyway, find out from your spouse about presents. Don't buy that espresso machine. It's too expensive. Never wear the same leather jacket for more than 30 years in a row. These are our suggestions. Good night.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
My guest today is a tremendously accomplished actor, filmmaker, and showrunner. You know him from, of course, Meet the Parents, Zoolander, and Dodgeball, and just the tip of the iceberg right there. He's the director and executive producer of Severance on Apple TV+. Season two premieres January 17th. I am very excited about it because Severance was my jam. Ben Stiller, welcome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I've contacted you many times through your people. Yeah. I often get just, we'll get back to you. That's why I have people. Yeah. But what's weird, can I just say something what's weird? The people sound suspiciously like Ben. It sounds like Ben picking up and he says, let me get Ben's people. And then the people sound a lot like you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Hey, I got a question for you guys. What do you think of my jacket? I like your jacket. Okay, let me tell you something. Here's the story of this jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, I've known you a very long time, and I was very excited you're coming in today because you're one of my all-time favorite comedy people. Your body of work is fucking crazy stunning. We're gonna talk about Severance, which was my favorite show. That first season was perfection, and I am delighted that Severance is coming back, so much so that your people said, I can watch a few episodes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And they said, you can watch a couple of episodes of this new season. We'll make them available to you. And I'm like, no, no, no. I'm re-watching season one to watch season two. And I don't want to watch it on a computer. Yes. I don't want to watch it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I want to watch it because I think the direction, which is you, is, I know some other people direct, but you direct the majority of these episodes, is absolutely fantastic. The art design, the acting, the whole thing is through the roof. Thanks, man. It's delightful. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, I hate it. I've had people say that before. Not about this jacket, but I've had people be very frank with me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I don't know. I think seriously was the first place I went wrong. And then the joke is trying to say that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
We're going to talk about it because anyone who's listening to this right now, if you're not watching Severance, if you didn't see season one, go and watch it. It's just, I think, flawless. And there's so many images in it, moments in it. And it's got me thinking about so many things. So I'm very psyched for season two. But along those lines, I just wanted to go back to... I'll just touch on it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Met you for the first time. We mentioned this last time, but I think it bears repeating. I met you when you came to SNL and right away was doing one of the funniest things I'd seen when you played a grown up Eddie Munster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah. A few other people, if I'm wearing something, they tell me they don't like it. I saw this jacket. It was not even, wasn't that much money. I saw it. It's a nice color of brown corduroy. Let me describe it for those of you who can't see it right now. It's a very rich.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
outfit but you're jaded now yeah you had done a uh you had done a tom cruise uh film which was a parody of color of money and i looked at that film and i remember thinking well why isn't this this is what sound out live should be which later on if you look at what please don't destroy and a lot of the shorts from lonely island it became more these short films which are just you know
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
became more and more of the dna of the show when you first came along i was remembered the first thing i saw you do was that short that you had made i think yourself self-funded or something yeah i made it on my own is it before ben stiller show yeah no this was before anything i was i had i was in a play uh called the house of blue leaves off broadway and the cast the play was doing really well and it moved to broadway
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You would find friends that were into the same stuff, which is usually what happens.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
One interview you said, I realized I didn't look good in a pickup truck or like a big four-wheel drive truck.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You're so good at being an asshole. And this is something I want to connect with you on because, and this is going to get tricky because my team is going to weigh in on my part of this, but I think I love being a bad guy. I don't think I am. This is going to get tricky. I think in my core, I- When do we get to chime in? I meant like a few episodes from now. Okay, okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Like in six months, you get to chime in. But I love, I really enjoy it. And I see a kindred spirit where you are a very nice guy. You seem like a very genuine, nice person, but you relish being a dick. You just relish it. And it's fun. It's a release.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, so anyway, this is what Danny McBride gave me. At first, I thought he was giving me a Montblanc pen, you know, and I thought, oh, I can't accept this, but this is what he brought me, and I can now shine a cartoon penis. On anything at any time. What are you going to do with that? What are your plans? Well, I'm going to the opera tonight. Downtown.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You also have the best dismissive laugh. Like... I mean, I'm not going to do it, but you just like, you laugh at people, make fun of them in your characters. And I'm trying to think of like, there's a moment in the movie about the end of the world. Oh, this is the end. This is the end. And there's this great part where everyone's playing themselves.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Nice. Nice. And a little plug for the series, Righteous Gemstones. I like it. That was very well done. Thought out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And so you're Danny McBride and they come and tell you that all these different people, you know, like all these different stars, right? Real stars who are all playing themselves have died because it's the end of the world, and they come and tell you they're telling you, and then they tell you that Michael Cera's dead, and you're like . Like nobody wants Michael Cera dead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
and people love Michael Cera and you're like, ah, who fucking cares about Michael Cera? And it was just making me, I remember that moment, like you really popped in that movie because whose response to Michael Cera is dead is a good laugh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I got to bring this up because you and Sona have a similar fascination, which is the Goonies. And this is one, I'm older than you guys, so it skipped my generation. When I saw the Goonies, I didn't get it. And then I know that Sona has built a small religion around the Goonies. I love the Goonies. So does Matt. So does Matt. And you like The Goonies.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I think when that movie came out, I was 22. Yeah. And I thought these kids should be in school. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
A ship wouldn't be underground. You know, I shouldn't have been seeing that movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
All the kids are just going at it. Oh, God. Oh, come on. Like you haven't thought about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Oh, man. Fuck you. I'm channeling McBride now. Yeah. It's funny, though. I've seen the effect because I was in I was shooting in another country and ran into Martha Plimpton.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And the people on my crew who are, again, 10, 15 years younger than me, their hands were shaking.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I love Martha Plimpton. And I was like, hey, Martha, how are you? And she'd been on the show a bunch. Good to see you. But I. But I thought, you know, it's not Prince, you know? I mean, it's, do you know what I mean? Like, it's... No, but they were all Goonies.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I'm going to make sure that there's a penis head on it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I was like, I know, I got scared. I could see him too, being not too happy. He's like, you know, I've gone on to all this other amazing work.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Can't keep bringing me back there. You know, there's this thread that runs through, like whether it's Eastbound Down, Vice Principals, Righteous Gemstones, they're kind of screwed up Don Quixote's. They're on this quest. And I think one of the things that makes Don Quixote and that kind of comedy or character so compelling to me is that the character fully believes it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
The character is completely invested in what they're doing. And I thought it was really interesting that you made the decision that in The Righteous Gemstones, the gemstones are not con men. they are making a ton of money off of this and it's a great business and they'll do what they have to do to grow this. But at their core, they believe. And I think that's essential. It has to be that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect this. I thought it was a dick pen. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, not since Johnson biographer Robert Caro have I been given a dick pen by a guest.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, and it actually makes the jokes funnier. When I was at The Simpsons, I remembered all I was interested in was coming up with really funny ideas for stories and really funny lines for characters. That's all I cared about, and good visuals. And I thought of myself as, I don't really care about story arc and stuff like that. I just want to be the hot gun in the room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I want to come up with the stuff that... It's really gonna be great and cutting edge, whatever. And I remember getting talked to about, it was explained to me by Mike Reese and Al Jean. They said, you know, that it's really important to James L. Brooks and to Matt Groening and to Sam Simon. The thing that makes this work is that it's a family and they all love each other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I remember at the time being, whatever I was, 24, thinking, what? That's so lame. Or did they just watch The Goonies? Yeah. I mean, but I remember... It's pornographic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It's completely pornographic, yeah. I just didn't... I didn't understand that at all, but I went with it, and then later on realized that you don't have a show if Homer doesn't care if Bart dies. Yeah. If he's that level of... Yes, Homer does lots of incredibly stupid things, but he does care about his family. If he's a sociopath, you don't have a show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And if none of them, if they're all sociopaths, you don't have a show. And that's the kind of stuff that my old writing partner, Greg Daniels, who's done a million great shows, Office, Parks and Recreation, and just to name a few. But he was so good at, he's funny, he can come up with...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
really funny stuff, but he also knows that you have to care about these people as people, and I think that was one of the revelations of, that Steve Carell was so brilliant at. Totally. Which is, he's being such an asshole, he's so misreading the room, he's so not doing his job, but you know that he's a good person at heart. And that is such a hard thing to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah. You don't want to draw. And also, the time it goes into. Here, you play with it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I think that that was one of those things that resonates with me when I watch your work is I care about you. I care about the characters you're playing because you've invested them with that, even if they're pretty...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It's a family, and they are... They do care about each other. They live in this insane situation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Oh. Seriously. A guest, Danny McBride, brought a gift, and it is the kind of gift that a lot of his characters would probably have in their pocket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah. They're gangsters who believe that what they're doing is righteous.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, you don't want to be punching down. You don't want to be making fun of the faith. You want to be looking at these people, which it is a family. They live on this ridiculous compound. You know, I mean, I'm a big Walton Goggins fan, and I'm curious how you two came together. I know you were on Vice Principals.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
He was here, he did the podcast. And do you remember this? He came and he was, I think he was flying back and forth a lot to Thailand for White Lotus at the time. And so he was tired. I came in and his people said, Walton just needs to sleep for 25 minutes and then he'll be okay to do the podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
So he was in that room that I just saw you in and there's a couch there and he just lay down like a vampire. And like put his hands over his chest and instantly went out and slept for exactly 25 minutes. It was back. And then came and then they like reactivated the, you know, reactivate Goggins.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And he like sat up and he came in and he was great in the podcast and then probably said, now I need 17 minutes. There's something I've always thought about in comedy, which is one of my favorite characters, I always go back to him all the time, is Peter Sellers and Spectre Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies. And those movies were a huge deal to me because my dad would take me to see those films.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I never saw my dad laugh that hard. And I would be laughing, but also notice clocking my dad laughing so hard. And I thought they were fantastic. So I introduced them to my son and we watched these movies. And it took me a long time to realize that What makes it work is that Clouseau, he is deadly serious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You want to, it's like you, you have to go in with the intent that we're making... I'm David Lean, and I'm making Lawrence of Arabia. That's it. You know? Wait a minute. What's the topic again? Don't worry about that. That's it. And I think that that comes through. It's funny how you talk about the way people want things shot. I've heard that some...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
some executives want things to be bright and colorful if it's a comedy. They actually want it to be brighter because they want to let you know that it's a comedy as opposed to trusting that you'll figure out that what's happening is very funny Yeah. And more so if some, I think if things are a little dark or if there's a grayness to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Oh, so Jamie Foxx is somewhere and the Jackass crew is above him. Right. In a separate area of the bar restaurant. Still at it. And they're shining a penis light so that a penis shows up on Jamie Foxx. He becomes enraged.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Oh, that's a, wow. You know, that's a fancy restaurant. And if I go to Mr. Chow's in Beverly Hills, which I don't, I'm not allowed in because of my own dick light incident several years ago. No, but if I went there and someone was doing that to me, I mean, that's the last place I would think that would happen. But anyway, it's a laser pointer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
But when when deployed, it makes this, I guess, very cartoonish looking male genitalia.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And then you can shine it on people. All that to say, be careful or else you're going to get your ass beat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Dildo gun. Yeah. Anyway, it's a gift. Guests don't often bring a gift. And I appreciate this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I'm determined now to go. I'm going to go to Charleston, South Carolina and hang out and get the word out that I'm ready to hang with Danny McBride. Yeah. But then it's just going to be really fun that you don't reach out to me. And I know that you're just like six miles away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, so how are they doing, these kids? They're worried about them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You said they haven't really grown much, and they're terrified all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
She was on like Silver Spoons. And now that's what she does. Uh, this has been an absolute blast. Absolute blast. You've been on our, our, how do we get, how do we get this man? He's never in LA. Just, I'm so happy that you were able to get yourself in here and, um, met you in 2006 and right away was an instant fan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Like, and then everything just has, from a distance, I've just watched everything, uh, blow up since, uh, for you in all the best ways. And I'm really happy. And, uh, Righteous Gemstones is hilarious and great. And this is the final season?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Well, I am so happy for you. And I look forward to the day that I intrude on you in South Carolina.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Seriously, I mean, I'm a huge, I've been to Fort Sumter. I'm a real nerd. I've toured the, I know a little bit too much about, I've gone to the South and I've told people this. I took my wife on, when we were newly married, I took her on a drive through Georgia to look at Civil War landmarks and the marriage almost ended there. So anyway, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Seriously.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I wasn't judging him. Maybe present it a little better the next time. He also brought a drawing he did of me in a nice little frame. Yeah, which is one of the worst drawings of me I've ever seen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Aren't you burying the lead, which is she lost her house. She lost her house and her leather jacket was in the house. This is the first I've heard of that. Okay. Yeah. You're a real sensitive guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You lost your home in the Altadena fire. Yes. And you are still living, you're living with your parents?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Okay. Well, we won't get into that too much. There's some stress there probably. It's okay. It's all good. I love your mom. I love your dad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I was quoting you when you said she, you know. You and your mom clash sometimes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
We clash. You're two strong personalities because you love each other very much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And among the things you lost was the leather jacket you've been wearing since the day I met you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You've had that jacket forever. I have. And sometimes I would kid you about the jacket. Sometimes. Because you would wear it every day. You wouldn't mix it up too much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I got an alert that they were very suspicious of you using my card.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
That's why he did it in the first place. I, there was a jacket I made fun of and then it was lost in this tragic fire and I needed the jacket replaced immediately so I could make fun of the jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
This is amazing. Oh, no. Problem is not that it's a leather jacket. I love leather jackets. It's just that she only wore one jacket. And I swear to God, you wore it to everything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
When your kids were christened in that beautiful church and I was the godfather and it was a beautiful ceremony. I'm wearing a suit. Liza's wearing a dress. People are wearing robes. You're there wearing Dr. Zayas's jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It's a great jacket, and I'm happy. And you know what? I'm happy that you got this back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
That's so nice. So slowly you're going to rebuild your life by getting back some of the objects.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You're just lying now. And guess what? It had real sentimental value.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I remember you, that paper bag of $100,000 meant so much to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Get a lot of fake money and put it together. Um, no, but I'll, I bet you there are a bunch of things we could go through and, and, and get back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
No, that's part of the reason I did it, but there's 10% of it. Yeah. 90% was keep the riff going so I can continue to bash away at you. And then there's 10%, which is I love you and I want you to be happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Well, I think it's probably PC for you get a dick. You get a vagina one. Yeah. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You know, guns blazing. I know. Gotta get you. I know. I know. Make you feel bad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
So you had a happy ending. Yes. And did you, you didn't lose anything in the fire, did you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It is weird. There's a survivor's guilt. Of course there is. I'm telling you, there is. There is totally a survivor's guilt. In L.A. right now, when I've... I mean, I've talked about this, but I've been very open about the fact that fire got really close to my house and filled it with smoke. And I'm still not back in it. We've been out since the fire.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
So it's been months now since I've lived in my house. And it all has to get cleaned out and everything. But you can't... There's nothing, I'm just still, I'm grateful. I'm very grateful that my house still exists.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And then you're probably standing next to somebody who lost their house. Yeah. So keep my mouth shut.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Nobody wants that. Nobody wants that. So, yeah. No, it happens every now and then. Oh, no. And Arnold Schwarzenegger. Remember, he gave me 65 acres of land in Austria. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Remember that? And I've seen it. It's beautiful. 65 acres up in the Alps. It's incredible. Yeah, it's amazing. Lucky. Yeah. Well, I mean, but you know what? I say that, Danny McBride, Dick Lighter, 50-50. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
That's right. Honey. That's right. That's right. He gave me a, like, it's almost mandolin size, tiny little guitar. And he wrote, he wrote on it and I play that at home. Yeah. It's really nice. It's got a nice bright tone. That's right. And, um, you weren't there for that. No, no, no. That's the one that I, where I went to Chris Martin. Lovely fellow, by the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined here customarily by Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Gourley. Good to see you both.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, that's kind of the way it should be. He also bought us lunch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah, and then he gave us robes to wear. Yeah, he gave us those amazing things. And then he told us that, yeah, we had to live in a certain compound for a while. Yeah, that was amazing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
I just made that up. Now I'm making them up. That's a funny make-up. I like those to make some up. Michelle Obama gave me Scrimshaw. She gave me a scrimshaw that she had made of a three-masted schooner on a whale's tooth, which is pretty cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Yeah. Al Pacino gave me a grill for my teeth. It says Thug Life on it. Remember that? And then he took me to the dentist and the dentist put it on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Very excited about our guest today. Normally we don't talk about the guest in this part of the segment, but we just taped with the guest, Danny McBride. And Danny McBride, I'm walking him out. We had a great time. It's a really fun interview. I love this interview, and we've been wanting to get him for a long time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
That was him. He was melting. I didn't realize he was made of ice cream. My guest today, we should get into it, right? My guest today, as you know, is a hilarious writer, producer, and actor. Also a very generous man. And he's the force behind such shows as Eastbound and Down, Vice Principals, and The Righteous Gemstones, which is currently airing its fourth season. on Max.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And this is a man we've wanted to talk to for a while. I've met him before, of course, because I travel in those waters, celebrity waters. But you guys, everyone here has been so jazzed. Danny McBride, welcome. You know, I have to start, this is the most obvious place to start, but I have to start with How I Met You, which is one of my favorite things ever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Back in 2006, you're a complete unknown, and you make this movie called The Foot Fist Way, and I think I get a call from Will Ferrell who's just saying, like, this guy's really hilarious, you have to have him on the show, because Adam McKay and Ferrell had seen the film, and they were giving it a big boost, and you gotta have...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
Danny on the show, so we booked you on the show and your concept was to come out as Fred, what's his last name? Fred Simmons. Yeah, Fred Simmons, that's right. And we used to love to do shit like this on late night. We didn't tell the audience anything. And they don't know, you couldn't do this now because you're Danny McBride, but they didn't know who you were.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
The movie was just about to come out. You're a complete unknown. So you come, I just announced you and you were, we talked about it and you said, I want this announced as like, this is just the real deal. We have a guy here and he's going to give a karate demonstration and he works with these kids and you brought these kids out and I'm sure you can see this on YouTube.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
or wherever, and you come out and what you have to remember when you watch this clip is everyone in the audience thinks I'm totally dead serious about it. I never give up that this is, and you come out and you start trying to get the kids to break boards and do stuff. And when it's not going your way, you start yelling at them. and getting really mad at them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And the kids look a little upset and I'm looking at the crowd and the crowd is horrified. And it's great. It's one of my favorite things. One of my favorite memories of a almost 30 year late night career is you out there going, come on, try it. Yeah, get over here. Where are you going? And you're shouting at them. It's not going well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I think it ends with some of the kids getting upset and running away. And then you get mad and you run away. And I'll never forget, I'm standing there in studio 6A, which is where Letterman had his late night show and I had my late night show. And he would just run away and everyone's run away. I say, I played the part of looking kind of like a confused, upset host.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And we're walking out on the way out. He went, hey, man, I got a gift for you that I brought for you. And I didn't know what it was going to be. And he's fishing around his pocket. And he takes out what looks at first like a very expensive pen. And then he said, it's a dick light. And... It's a light that shines a penis onto things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I just went, okay, I guess we'll figure this out and we'll be right back. Go to commercial and Max and the band start to play. And these two guys who are about 19 or 20 years old are sitting right near the front row and they go like, Conan, what the fuck? And I went, guys, I don't know. I don't know. I didn't even tell them because I thought that's breaking the rule.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It's breaking the illusion. So we did that. And then you do Foot, Fist, Way. And then you go on to all this crazy success and well-deserved, by the way, but Eastbound Down, Vice Principals, Righteous Gemstones, movies. Everybody knows and loves Danny McBride. And I'm thinking there's something I really love about that moment in time when no one knew you and you're being a total asshole.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
He shouldn't be allowed to be around kids. And the kids were good. The kids didn't let on at all. Not at all. And it was perfect because it was kind of this mini scandal. Like this guy lost it on kids on Conan's show. It just made me so happy. And I remember thinking like a lot of people. And then I saw Foot Fist Way and The Foot Fist Way. And it's a really funny movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You mine a similar area in all your different characters where you're not particularly good at something or legit, but you have this fervent belief in yourself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
So you're not good. You're trying to build up this school. You're trying to teach martial arts. But there's one part in the movie that set everything apart for me, which is... You're trying to show in the movie who this character is. At one point, I don't know if it's your, I think it's your wife comes home or your girlfriend. She comes home and you want to play a prank on her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I'll never forget this. And I have not gone back and looked at this since. So I'm probably misrepresenting a little bit. But your idea of a prank is you jump out with a knife and you go, ah!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And I remember watching it, and this is back in 2006, so I'm sure I had like a DVD that they gave me or something. You know, there was no, today they'd send me a link to watch the film, you know? Not as special. Yeah, but whatever. I got a brick of some kind and fed it into a machine that doesn't exist anymore.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And when you jumped out and did this, it's not a prank, first of all, but then when your response, when the prank is, you do it, and then you go, ah, fuck you. Yeah. And I was just, it blew my mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
It shines a penis, I believe, onto. Oh, I see it. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
No, it's that's why I was so jazzed about you coming on the podcast is I I thought I've encountered you many times in life, but we've never really had a chance to have a conversation. And I'm such a big fan of yours. And I just want to know, how does a Danny McBride happen? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
You know, I mean, first of all, I know that you grew up in Georgia and rural Virginia, and you've described yourself as kind of a latchkey kid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Danny McBride
And you say you've spent a lot of time in the South, and you've sort of said that you didn't feel like you quite fit in with what some people would call redneck culture or whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And so it was a little bit of a thing where I would make fun of the jacket. It was kind of like a fun hee-hee-ha-ha. And then I found out on last week's episode, just joking around, that your jacket was lost when your house caught fire.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You know, anyway, can't you just give the same knowing look every time? No, I'm not. I'm not an actor. But and maybe there's a reason I'm not an actor, but I would just every single time go. Oh. Ooh. And just leave it up to the editor to slot it in there right at the right time. Fix it or use some CGI or do something, but you're getting one ooh from me and then I'm out the door.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I wouldn't take that from Mitch Hurwitz. Not for a second.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I love that there'd be an Arrested Development movie and all of you would be recast with real actors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I think they do. I think it's done. I think one call from me and it's happening. When I say call, I mean on an old 1940s phone, because I'm so out of touch with what kind of pull I have in this town.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Which I didn't know, and I expressed real surprise because I couldn't imagine that jacket not being with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Tons of fans. At least nine fans. There's one image I have in my head, which is Will Arnett is trying to sneak in Jeffrey Tambor in a stretch limo. And of course, he has his stupid puppet Franklin with him, who is... Which you couldn't do today. Couldn't do today, or maybe racially insensitive puppet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
But at one point, there's this second where you think the guard's not gonna let him in, that the guard's been offended by this puppet. And the guard says, wait a minute, you're all gonna have to step out of the car. And there is a zoom. And there's a zoom in on a terrified Arnett. There's a zoom on a terrified in the backseat, Jeffrey Tambor. And then a zoom in on the ventriloquist dummy, Franklin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And I think I've watched that with my son 75 times. And it's just, I've memorized it. It's been, I don't know. It just fills me with delight over and over and over again. So that's, I mean, to a larger point, you've had with SmartLess, Arrested Development, Ozark, you've been able to play in this very rich environment and have this crazy success. And-
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Every now and then I get to talk to people on this podcast who sort of... They got to have their cake and eat it too. And you're one of those people who I think has had this lovely arc where you start as a child actor, which is not a promising start for many people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And it really doesn't work to the point where there have been times where I thought, should they just make it illegal to be a child actor?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
How old were you when you got your first? You did a cereal commercial when you're 10? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Even as a kid, I think you did Little House on the Prairie, some commercials. You're on Silver Spoons. I could see kids having two reactions to that. One, oh, I've landed in Candyland. I'm in Oz. This is just amazing. But you had the emotional intelligence to be anxious about it and think, I don't know if this is going anywhere. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
That's a television character. They're legally required to wear the same. Indiana Jones? Yeah, they have to wear the same thing all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It was not. I think so. No, it wasn't good every day. And I offered to buy you other jackets. Remember?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Do you ever think you blew it that maybe you should have done that? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'm just seriously, this coffee shop thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Well, whatever. Le Starbucks. Can't go back, I guess. Can't go back. It's funny that you talk about that period of time. I had my own experience working on the late night show. We were constantly doing sketches and we would employ, there'd be a sketch that needed a kid to play me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
you know, from 20 years ago, constantly, or a kid who is in the audience who doesn't understand something, constantly doing these sketches where we need kids. I remember very clearly sometimes there were kids that came up to me, maybe eight years old, This happened more than once, but they would come up to me and go, excuse me, Mr. O'Brien, I am Billy. Oh, hi, Billy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You know, thanks for helping us out today. You're doing a great job at rehearsal. I just want to say you are a formidable talent. And I could look in the background and see the mother peering out of the dressing room like, it's formidable. We went over this. Say it. You know, say it so that you're booked again, you fucker. Yeah. And I was... It bummed me out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It's more than 10 years ago because no, because you started working with me like 15, 16 years ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Seriously, every now and then, one of those child actors, one was a little kid who nailed it and grew up into Scarlett Johansson. Oh, yeah? And you're like, okay, that's great. I think we had one or two of those, but for the most part, it is... It is a perilous thing to be a child actor. And, you know, it's so fickle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And even as adults, full-on aging adults, for myself, it's still hard not to pay attention to who's up, who's down, who's where. It takes... And that's with... I didn't have anybody recognize me on the street until I was 30 years old. That's when I got the late night show. And I had a lot of grounding before then. So I have no idea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I think if I had been recognized or had any kind of cachet when I was 11 years old, I'd be a mass murderer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yeah. I said you're squirrely. I didn't say you were crazy. Squirrely, hard to get a beat on you. I know there's a lot of stuff there. I don't want to go near. You can get near the cage. Just don't start poking around in it. I would drive cross country with Arnett, Sean in a second. You, that's not happening unless, yeah, like you say, there's like a barrier, a caged barrier.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, you're in the back. I'm driving you. I'm dressed as a sheriff and I'm driving you cross country. But there's a cage and you're shackled every now and then. I pass you some green tea. But that's about it. That's all that's happening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It is interesting to me that a important linchpin of your turnaround, which you say is Arrested Development, the guy behind that, one of the guys behind it and the narrator of the show is Ron Howard, famously one of the few examples of a child star who just nailed it in his adult life and seemed to make every right call. Did he ever give you any insight into that world? No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
They still have the jacket? They do. Would you want to replace it? I will pay for this jacket if it doesn't go above a certain amount.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
He pulled the mask back. He said, yeah, fooled another one. Jason seemed perplexed. He wanted the eggplant risotto, but he didn't know if it was gonna be too heavy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Well, they say it's it's. It's exhausting to be a pathological liar because you have to keep all of your stories straight. And it is exhausting to have to put on a persona to then audition for something where you're then another persona. But then if you don't get it, you have to switch into the persona, which is I didn't really need it anyway. I'm cool. I'm good. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
We had a fun thing going where I could come up with all these different riffs about the jacket. And the jacket tragically lost. The riff was lost. The joke was lost. I understand this. That's what I think of.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Nine people out of 10 who went through what you went through would not, it would not have worked out. Can you identify something in you that helped you say, okay, I'm partying too much. This has to stop. I need to... There is an inner resource that you have that... Yeah. Ninety percent of people in your situation would not have.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I've never ever had any ambition to direct anything. I admire that skill immensely. And I think part of me is a little curious if someone put a gun to my head and said, you have to direct something, what I would do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
but I don't understand what it is, but I know that you directed quite a bit on Ozark. You must have been watching the whole time. I mean, this was, go back to when you were a kid, where you're watching other people make these decisions. Someone explained to me how much a lot of directing is making choices. Do you want this or do you want that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
So you're watching that and saying, I want to be doing that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, I want the, no, absolutely not. No, she's got it. That's cold hearted. Well, I'm sorry. I'm a businessman.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
What did you, what was he like? I just, because I grew up, He was George Clooney. My brother's obsessed with Bonanza and has been his whole life and has made sure that all of us around him have watched almost every episode of Bonanza. So even though, yes, I know he went on to Little House on the Prairie and everything, I just can't believe, that's Joe Cartwright. I can't believe you even knew him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I'm a podcaster. I'm not a lawyer. He's a lawyer who just, oh, I understand. And then immediately he closed his briefcase. He folded up the table he was sitting at and he jumped out the window. My work here is done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Here's one where these cattle rustlers come to town. Michael. We're going to show a Truffaut film here, but we shut that down. This is going to be the Bonanza where, okay, all right. But that's beautiful that he did that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
My quick, this just popped in my head, but literally a couple of months ago, I had to go back to Boston quickly, see my family, and I always stay in the same hotel, and I get on my elevator to go down to the lobby, and it stops on another floor, and Jimmy Burrows gets on. Really? And this is a hotel that's right on the park, literally maybe 60 feet from the Cheers bar. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
and I'm headed down and Jimmy and I are talking. And I said, hey, Jimmy, wanna go over to the Cheers bar? hang out. And he went, yeah, no, I don't know why that popped into my head. I've been in there, but yeah, that's a cool spot. Sure. People go there. It's like people that go to the central, one of the central perk coffee shops and think they're going to see Jennifer Aniston.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I think the salvation is if you get into the work, like for me, when I hear you talk about all this is that you were very interested in making the stuff and the work. And to me, that was always the salvation. I wanted my goal. if you asked me when I was 20, what's your goal? I would say, I would like to have a body of work, which sounds incredibly pretentious, but that's what I wanted.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
People could like it, they could hate it, but I just wanted when I was done to have stuff that I had made As a writer. As a writer, as a whatever, just as a performer, as a whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You know, it's so funny. I knew that I could get a job as a writer, but I always was a performer as a writer. So I was always the guy that would get up and do stuff. At Saturday Night Live, I would do things in front of the other writers, start doing something, and they would be laughing. And Lauren would notice this. And Lauren would notice it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, no. I will not do the cash value. I want you to have the same jacket because I want you to have that jacket back. Let me see it. Bring up that picture. Because I don't remember this jacket. You don't remember? It's the only thing she wore.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
But also the writers would say, that's a sketch, that guy you're doing right now. And I'm just doing it because something's wrong with me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
But not even that. There were often times when I wasn't pitching a sketch. I was just doing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You've seen it, Sona, where I'll just come in and I'll just be doing something that strikes me as funny or odd. And that's all you do. That's kind of all I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Hey there, it's Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am Conan O'Brien, and I'm joined here... It is an intro. Yeah. What is your problem? I didn't know what we were doing. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Right. And then we got to SNL, and I was doing that for someone like Odenkirk or Smigel, and they said, no, that's a sketch. That's a sketch. And I was like, oh, that's just a thing that I do. Right. I could just write that down and make a living. Many of the things that I've, over the years, that I wrote for SNL or any of the things that I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
over the years, did on late night, were just things that I did. Sometimes I would do them in the shower. Right. And my wife, to this day, will hear me in the shower saying, you've got some nerve! And, um... Well, maybe I've just grown accustomed to it, but that's where that came from.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And then as you do as a cast member, I think we've done bits where I've been different people. Uh, but not, not on the talk show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
cast member yeah yeah it was it's interesting because i always when i was at snl i never looked at dana carvey or any of those guys and thought i could be doing that because i always knew the difference i always knew there have been things uh where we would shoot something um we did something with liev schreiber once which was a parody of that show uh studio 60 remember there was a yeah
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
That's like me saying I don't remember your puzzled expression.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
that was a very serious Aaron Sorkin show. He took a West Wing approach to like a Saturday Night Live and people were giving him a hard time for it. We decided to do a parody of it. And so Liev Schreiber, we got him to play me. So Liev Schreiber has the Conan hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And my favorite thing is we got me a thin mustache and you could probably see it online and waxed back my hair and I played the producer. And I'm talking to Conan and I'm saying, God damn it, Conan. You know, women want to be with you. Men want to be you. You've got it all. The looks, the shots.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And I'm talking about Conan in this, you know... What was this on? It was on the late night show, you know. I mean, we did thousands and thousands of hours of late night shows and we would fill. So I guess the point is that for me, it's always been... I'm going to quote my dad and I've quoted him many times on the show with this exact same line.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
But he always said, you're making your living off of something that should probably be treated because it's very manic and I can't not do it. And I do it. I just got back from a vacation with my wife and kids. I did it there. They just tune it out. They're not interested. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
They, you know, as kids, I would call my kids together when my wife was not around and I would say, kids, kids, your mother's gone and I need to talk to you. And they would gather around me and they would look up at me and go, is this real or is this a bit? And I'd go, it's just that I think. And they'd go, it's a bit. And walk away. So it's that 24-7.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Oh, it's... Yes. This is the part that I thought was very General Zayas, Planet of the Apes. Oh, yeah. The little detail.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
If your children are laughing and saying, God, dad. You're the greatest.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yeah, yeah, that was the part that really bothered me. But I want you to get that exact same jacket. They still sell it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I remember doing the late night show and Bruce Springsteen was performing on the show and Patty's there, his wife is there. And then at one point he's talking and then he leaves the room. And I said something like, um, He had just told a joke or something and she like rolled her eyes and I was, she said, yeah, when he does his jokes around the kids, they're like, God, dad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And I was like, that's Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. But no. No. In the best, in the very best way, they're annoyed. Right. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Well, he talks about the iconic Dancing in the Dark video where he pulls Courtney Cox on the stage at the end. In his biography, his autobiography, he talks about pulling her up on stage and he does the dance with her. His kids finally saw that years later and they were horrified. At that dance move. At his dance move. And they just relentlessly gave him shit for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Like went back on it and kept showing it to him and going, what the fuck are you... But, you know, in 1985, that was it. It was amazing. And he was Bruce Springsteen. But no, it doesn't matter anymore. Now it's just this embarrassing footage you found of your dad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
So I was 30 years old. Uh, I didn't meet my wife. I hadn't met, I didn't meet my wife for another 10 years.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I think they just, they took it really well, but I'll never forget. I did at shows at Comic-Con, Spreckles Theater, huge theater. My wife, Liza, came down. She brought my son, who's kind of interested in sci-fi. He was a little kid at the time, maybe five. Yeah. He sat in the theater. He saw the band playing. He saw fans. Right. I mean, places packed, three-tiered theater.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yeah, and so he's watching it, and then I come out and I do the show, and he sees people getting really excited, and... laughing and having a good time. And then he's walking out with his mom, my wife, and we're walking out, he's walking out. And he said to her, when I grow up, I wanna do something where there's no stage and no audience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
All right, let's get into more profitable territory. Because you guys are going into the weeds here and it's my job.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And it was just like, I want to do the opposite of what that guy's doing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I think for whatever reason, he just knew, whatever that guy's doing, that's not what I'm going to do. And he's highly intelligent and very good and has a completely different skill set than I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, no, not at all. But he'll actually have a legitimate life. Right, exactly. Yeah. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Knowledge of real things. Not like us. No, we're show folk. And and I've always I've always kind of liked that for some reason, bizarre reason in the mid 20th century, being in show business started to have cachet and then it is only grown. And.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I'm someone who reads a lot of history and I studied history in before the 20th century for hundreds and hundreds of years, people that worked in show business were thought of as, you just use the back door and no, you're not, you cannot, you can't come in. You do your thing and then get the fuck out of here and take your little, you know, and I've always thought I,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I should not be given the food that other people are getting. I should get some cold food. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You know, I'm glad I got you to admit that your life is a sham.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, you've gone too far. You've gone too far. I think what you and I do is vitally important. And I'll also posit more important than anything being done in science, in medicine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yeah. So you've completely changed your mind from 15 seconds ago. I want to wrap this up, but I do want to tell you that you started off this interview by selling yourself very short in a way that I found kind of appalling, which is I think what you do on SmartList and also what you did so beautifully on Arrested Development and what you've really done in your career is you're channeling something
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
that to me is very essential. You're fucking so smart as a performer, as an actor. Well, thank you. And seriously, I think, I mean, Arrested Velvet is a great example of where you're holding, you are the center of all of that. You're seeing everything. And yes, that is a huge job. That is, and that could have been done wrong a billion different ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I order $550 worth of fresh Alaskan crab every day. And I eat it off the small of my head writer's back. Yeah, Mike Sweeney has to get on all fours. I ladle out this crab that's been shipped in in a private plane. And I ladle it onto his small back and then I eat it with a tiny little silver spoon. So anyway, yes, I will buy you that jacket. I will buy you that jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
But I also think I would know if, you know, Arnett and Hayes babbling, the two of them, I couldn't listen to that for six seconds. You know, I just.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You've got red and then also a very annoying red and a very annoying green. And then you're this like essential taupe. Yes. It's just, it's surrounding it. Sweeping azure. Exactly. No, we fuck around a lot. But any time that you would come to my home, be it a Christmas party or any time would be a big deal. It'd be a huge deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It would be a big deal for me and my son's hair would fall out and his teeth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I'll be honest with you. I love playing with you guys. It is that simple. I've never had a real conversation with Will Arnett. We only play to the point where we were scolded once.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, that's why anytime there's been any kind of smartless ask from the very beginning, I thought that's being asked to go play, go play ball with three people who you love to play ball with. And I'm using that analogy because I'm a terrible athlete. And so I'm being very vague about play ball.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Shut up, Sona. Go pass the old puck around with your mitt. But anyway.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It's just you and I. Just you and I. Even Aniston can't get in. She can serve us. You can bring us the food. Jennifer's outside. Yeah, yeah, tell her we're good. We're good. God bless you, Jason Bateman. Thank you for having me. Go forth, continue to do amazing stuff. My best to the gang over at Smartless.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Wow, we've notched from an 11% acceptance of me to an 18%. It was pretty good at the beginning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
No, actually, I'm not kidding. It would mean a lot to me to replace that thing that's been lost. It would also mean a lot to me to keep making fun of you. I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I'm buying you that jacket. It's a done deal. Okay. I did it. I brokered the deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
You were a key in this whole matter. So seriously, Sona, order the jacket. I don't do that. No, no. OK, this doesn't work if you don't do it. You've got to order the jacket. Yeah, because the jacket was lost. To be serious for just a second. Yeah, the jacket was lost in the fire. Yeah. Let's replace it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
So buy the jacket and don't have me reimburse you. I have to buy the jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
She's actually done okay for herself. Gee, there have been many times where Sona... How much... How many drinks do you think you've had on old Uncle Conesy without Uncle Conesy even knowing it over the years? Without you even knowing it? Before you even became a responsible member of society.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It was always showed up on my Amex statements as least I could do. Least you could do for Sona. And they would be like, oh my God. You dropped $1,800 at a bar? Yeah, so we're done. It's a done deal now. Great. You're getting that jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I will pay for it. You will wear it. And that is my way of making all of your loss go away. Jesus Christ. Does that cover it? The one leather jacket? Sure. You lost in your house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Too bad he didn't make fun of your house. That house is no house. All right. Let's get into it. My guest today starred in Arrested Development, now co-hosts the popular podcast Smartless alongside my arch enemies, Will Arnett and Sean Hayes. I am very thrilled that this gentleman is joining us today. This is his first time. This is very cool. I bullied him into coming here. Jason Bateman, welcome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
We've straightened this out. Thousands are invited to the Christmas party. I invite thousands and about 50 come. Listen, we're going to just because this has been a thing. And then I went on smart list recently, you know, about you coming to the Christmas party. And it was a thing for a while. You you. You claim you weren't invited.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Okay. Well, that's par for the course. Okay. No, we're not changing anything. We're keeping this. Yeah, Gorley will cut this out. No. Gorley, keep it in. It's too good. I'm torn between two parents.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Well, listen, the point is you, you know, let's talk about smart lists. It's a juggernaut. You guys are a pretty hard pivot. It's a real, I mean, I was a four wheel slide. Can I tell you something? Right. I just, I just broke my hip. But no, the point I'm trying to make is of you three guys, you got Will Arnett, you got Sean. Is it Hayes?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And then you're Jason... Bateman. Bateman. Okay, there's the three of you. And you're the one that I have trouble getting a beat on, I gotta say. You're the one, you're squirrely. You're squirrely, Bateman. I've always had a problem getting a beat on you. A huge fan of yours. I adore you. But I can't get a beat on the guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I agree with it about your podcast. I agree because I've checked it out and I'm I'm like, I can't believe that this is something. I mean, this what we're doing here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
My guest today. Oh, sorry. Now you got to keep it in. Hello. Goodbye. Hey there! Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I don't know why I'm talking like the old movie phone guy. I'm Conan O'Brien, joined by Sona Movsesian, Matt Gourley, and I was disheartened to learn, Sona, last week that the jacket that for years I've made fun of, because you wore it all the time, just constantly, constantly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Also, can I just point out, I've been interviewing people around the clock since 1993. I'm a seasoned professional. What Muhammad Ali was to boxing, I am to interviewing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yes. I was going to say the same thing. I was going to say, I'm glad you said it. No, no, I, you know, I think you could come, you could go, you know, whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Okay, I'm gonna draw a parallel to what I maintain, and I've said this to Mr. Arnett many times, is one of the finest comedy television shows of all time. And I take this stuff, as you know, very seriously. My television comedy loves and my interests. I think Arrested Development is one of the finest, finest pieces of work done in television comedy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
And I think that you are hilarious and essential in that show because... I'm surrounded with funny folks. No, but that's not it. You're not just the guy who's yes-anding all of the funny people. You're doing it in a... hilarious way. You're taking it all in. You're trying to understand. You do a beautiful job in that show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yeah, but that is a very hard thing to do. It's... In the history of comedy, straight men were always listed first. So it was Martin and Lewis. It was Abbott and Costello. And it was because a good straight man was actually harder to find than a good wacky person. And that is the history of comedy, is that the act was controlled by the straight man, Burns and Allen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
It was always controlled by the straight man who was... It was a skill that was seen as more appreciated. So without getting too heavy, too serious, which I've probably done, I thought you did...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Like Picasso. No, you know what's really nice? I've told this to Arnett a million times, but that show was a very key bonding element for my son and I because my son has a very keen eye for comedy and really liked certain shows. And when he discovered Arrested Development, that was it. How old was he when it started to kind of work for him? He was in his late 50s. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Yeah. I had him a long time ago. You look great, by the way. I've had so much done to me and for me. No, I want to say he was... I want to say he was 11, 12, and chapter and verse. There's not an episode I can name. And we've watched them repeatedly. So sometimes when he's blue or we'd be somewhere, it would be, okay, there are certain specific episodes that we would watch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
I mean, you wore it at your wedding. It was ridiculous. Okay. Didn't wear it that much. And you wore it all the time, every day. Do you agree that you wore it a lot? No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jason Bateman
Was the medicine, yeah. And it's nice because we all knew what's coming because we've seen them a thousand times. And I bet, how old is he now? He is 19.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I couldn't. I was your... You couldn't be bothered. Yeah, I couldn't be bothered. I was like, don't I have people to do these things for me? No, I got a call from Liza, my wife at work, and she said, okay, they told us we got to go. And I said, okay. She said, I'm just going to grab... like two t-shirts, two pairs of socks, two pairs, whatever, a pair of jeans. I said, great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
She said, do you need me to take anything else? And I said, just grab the E.B. White letter off the wall, which is this letter that I, when I was 16, I wrote E.B. White a letter about how much I admired his writing and, how I aspired to try and make something of myself, but I was afraid of criticism because I'm thin-skinned. And he wrote me back this beautiful note, and it's signed E.B. White.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Take this, yeah. And so that's kind of... I said, grab that, but I didn't think about anything else. And I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
i don't know why i get into and i think i've always been this way i think i was you know uh i can channel when i first moved out to l.a and i had a had a on cochran avenue had a 380 a month apartment and a 1977 isuzu opal that i bought at the airport for no money um and i just always channel like yep I've been there before and I was really happy, and I just have this kind of, if that, whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
If whatever something happens, I'm not gonna get another Isuzu hopeful. No, you'll never get to that height again. But very, I don't know, I get on almost very calm about that and the material world and things like that. But then I also know if the reality came, there's my perception of how I would feel. And then, um, how would I really feel if that had happened? And we got really close.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I mean, it was right up to our line of our house. And, um, and then you just, I don't know. Uh, I could easily be here saying we don't have our house. And like I say, a lot of spoken to many of my friends who lost their homes and, um, Uh, so I don't know, you can't know how you would feel if that happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So I have, you know, the possible illusion that I would say, well, it's just stuff, but no, I'm sure I would be, uh, devastated and emotional for a lot of reasons. But, um, it's just, uh, it's such a confusing time. And obviously it's just, um, what can we all do for people? If only I knew someone who had lost their, oh, right, you were mentioning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
No, but like I'm saying is what, you know, that's the question is how can, what can we do for you? You know, you're loved. You've got all of us here. Money aside.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Can I just say the parameters first? Money aside, food aside, clothing aside. Love and affection aside. Love and affection aside. Sheltering you in any way at any one of my 19 mansions scattered. Any further contact aside. Yeah. Is there anything I can do for you? And also, I'm letting you go. Oh, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
The band-aid is mostly torn off. Let's go the rest of the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I had to make a decision. You were Gourley, and he does so much in the editing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Conan Fire Sona on podcast where she talks about losing her home. I'm looking forward to that. I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I'm going to have mine destroyed. It makes you feel better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
My leg kind of hurts. So I think I win. Well, you are, and it's funny because people, I think, I hope it comes through, but this is a real relationship. Yeah. You and I have been, I mean, Gorley, I don't barely know the guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Johnny come lately. Icy to the touch. Well, if you just touched me once, maybe you'd know. Dad rubbing that icicle. But, you know, you've got us and and we will all help you in any way we can. Thank you. And I do think that this is. There's no way to fast forward through this. It's going to be a day-to-day thing for you for quite a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So don't downplay it. Let's lead with Tack, your husband, and your boys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So many people have risen to the challenge and been... remarkably generous and human. And I lived in New York during 9-11, and I'm seeing the same thing again where people ask each other, you know, how are you doing? How are you? Where do you live? Are you okay? And had that conversation this morning at Bricks and Scones, which is the coffee place right next to us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You just start asking people, how are you? Where do you live? Are you all right? Are you okay? And it... It does, these things do bring sometimes the worst out of people, but often the best out of people. And I was remembering we, you know, the last time we did our outdoor chill chumps podcast was from Sona's backyard in Altadena, which is a really nice memory.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Mikey and Charlie. What do Mikey and Charlie know? Do they know anything?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And what I remember most is, uh, what a great time we had, but also that your neighbors came by, you had neighbors coming by to say hi.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And there's a vibrant community there that I think is resilient and can come back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I mean, it's easy for me to say, but I do think there's... I think there's such a will to bring that city back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I mean, that's the other thing, too, is we could find out and plug it in. But if there's a charity or there's a place that makes sense.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
My wife has been on to this and I shut it down because I was like, I was thinking of taking up golf and I want to buy those golf. No, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Are you donating money to people that really need it? I set the clock the minute this happened. It's possible I could one day play golf. In which time clubs would need to be procured. No, she... She found that and it's amazing. It's easily findable, I think. Well, obviously... it can get sensitive. What's the right, where's the right place to, to give money if you can give money or to donate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Um, and we need to be sensitive about that. We will do research. We'll maybe in the links that connect to this episode, give some suggestions. Uh, but there are so many different ways. Oh, what happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think the burn I just suffered is every bit as bad as the one that attacked your home.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
If you want to, I think now, after the way I was just attacked, for, okay, maybe am I fluent in this new techno world? New? Of the last 40 years? Maybe not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But... I've now been humiliated and I feel I deserve compensation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I have a GoFundMe to help me, Conan O'Brien, recover from this dastardly blow. Um, I know the minute I start talking, why do I, why didn't I, what am I going to learn? Let you do it or let you do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You're talking to me like something like I'm damaged.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
When this episode comes through, through your machine. Oh no. And you're tuning it to get the right frequency. Look for a linkage. Just try this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Charity links in the show notes. Yeah, but I know you and it's the right thing to do. You're going to keep all of my blundering and stumbling in there. You're not going to edit it so I look good. And I applaud you for that because it's going to make a lot of people very happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I cannot tell you how many people go, are you really that bad? And I say, it's not a bit. I honestly don't know how this world works. That is a common thing people say to me is, no, no, just tell me something. They want to know if Jordan Schlansky's real. And I go, yeah, he really is. And they go, and when you talk about like tech stuff, are you really that bad?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. My son is very gifted at these things, and he enjoys it so much. When I'm trying to do something, I do become... It is Zoolander where they're looking at the computer and he just enjoys it. And he won't jump in and go, here, I'll do it. He'll go, so what you trying to do there? What you doing? Well, I'm trying to see if I can clear this screen. Uh-huh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So is that why you're hitting the plastic part, the cover? Yeah. Just tell me what to do. No, no. Why don't you tell me what it is you're trying to do? So he just tortures me. Oh, man. He's a genius at it. He's good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
God gave him a wonderfully foolish father for him to enjoy. But is your... is your greater family. We talk about this a lot and we joke about it a lot, how connected you are to your family and your mom and dad. But it's also this great gift right now that you have these people in your life that they're so close.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I've been living so far away from my family for so long that your family unit is there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
When am I allowed? And I will respect this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I'm just curious. I mean, and I will respect if you say it's going to be three months or four months. And I love your dad. I love you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And then he became real. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
My true sickness is getting other people to start to do the bit themselves about that. I know. That's my true evil power. It's like comedic Stockholm syndrome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But your father's mustache wasn't damaged.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I want 20% off. And just put a little smudge there. No, you can't get the discount. Why not?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
They don't know that. They see a guy come in with half a mustache.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Who's going to challenge that? I challenge you? That looks freshly shaved? Not singed? I don't think anyone challenges that. Look, maybe I've gone too far. It's possible that I'm doing the exact wrong thing at this moment and that I'll pay for it. Terribly, but... I'm just glad he's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
A gift. Yes. How's Tack specifically?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I hope my fireplace and iron survived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I hope my bowling ball survived. My solid. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think he is. I mean, he's an incredibly cool guy. He's very chill. He's very chill and he's very cool. And I love him. I admire him. And I think he's a good partner to have in a situation like this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Because people are just, everyone's saying, oh my God, the boys, the boys, the poor boys. And they're just, they just know. I mean, I used to think this way about snowstorms when I was a kid. I was just good news. And the people, it didn't matter what happened to anyone else. If school was canceled- So in their perspective, all they know is there's going to be some fun construction. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Your dog is having baked Alaska food. Sushi. Yeah, sushi. I think it's incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Cordon bleu, chicken cordon bleu.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
There's no way. I mean, so many people are going to have some form of PTSD or whatever you, however you want to classify it from this. And so it is, as you know, I'm a huge proponent of, of it. And I, I don't necessarily come from a people that are, were believers in talk therapy. But, and I think Freud famously said, the only people who are immune to psychotherapy are the Irish.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Hello, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It is a massive... Understatement to say this is a special episode or a unique episode. We are doing this episode without any guest. This is the first time we've all been together. since the wildfires broke out. And there's a lot to discuss and to process. We don't usually do this, but I'm just going to say the date.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But I do think it's hugely helpful. Yeah. It would be good for you. And also talk to us about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. Well, I'll say this. I have found today... to be cathartic for me because I've been thinking about you a lot, Sona. And on a selfish level, I thought, I really want to get into a room with Sona. We've texted, we've talked on the phone, but I didn't see you until today. And I've just wanted you... I've wanted to be in a room with you and talk to you. And so this was...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
weirdly, even though you're the one who's really been affected much more, a million times more than I was, a billion times more, this was really special for me to get to talk to you and tell you face to face that I love you, whatever you need, we'll all get you through this. And we are a family and I'm including, oh God, Gourley. Don't do it. I'm gonna do it, Adam. Eduardo, Blay, we are a family.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And they get to build the house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And also everyone who works here. And we, there was such a lovely outpouring, and I'm not gonna, online, of people, fans, reaching out to wonder how we were doing that was, just bowled me over. We are blessed. We're blessed a million times over with so many fans. So many people are rooting for you, Sona, and thinking about you. And...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You're going to get through this with flying colors, and I am going to gradually work my way back into mocking and harassing you. It's going to take a long time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Which I think you should let them do. OK.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
No, I mean, when I say a long time, I mean, like, many hours.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I spent the last hour doing it already.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah, I was going to say, is there really evidence? Oh, right. We do record these. I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think they can. But can I ask? And again, I'm not. How these things unfold is such a mystery. I know that for all of us, I was here working on Tuesday. We weren't podcasting, but I was meeting with writers and we were talking about the Oscars and we were working on that with that team. And I got a phone call from my wife saying, well, there's some smoke.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Well, you're really on the line. No. You saved it today. You're not fired today, but there's this very expensive electric bike I'm thinking of getting with company funds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I don't know what's wrong with me, but love you. We're back. We're going to continue to make our foolishness and update you on, I mean, what is... This is, we'll update you on keep everyone listening and, and how, uh, how this process unfolds for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And, uh, you know, we, um, we're thinking not just of you Sona, but everyone out there who's been affected by this and, and to all the really incredible people who from all over the world that have reached out and been so lovely to us. We are blessed people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
It's unbelievable. And our own Sarah Federovich, who works here, has been working for me for, I want to say, close to 30 years, if not 30 years. Her husband, Brad, helped out there fighting these fires. Yeah. And so, yeah, enough cannot be said about—we have a screwy value system in our country where it's like, look, there's a celebrity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And never has it looked more stupid, our value system, than right now, than when you see these people that really do put themselves in harm's way to save people's homes, save people's lives. It's absolutely incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But boy, I can't wait till we get back to revering Nate Swift.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
He's the true hero. You got that right, buddy. Anyway, everybody out there, stay safe. And thank you again for all of your good wishes and positive energy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And I remember thinking, well, we've been through this before. We've been evacuated. There's also been smoke and we haven't been evacuated. So there's very much, it's part of life in LA. And so I wasn't thinking that much about it. And then the next thing I know, she was like, we've been evacuated. And so I went from here to, you know, whatever, we went to a hotel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And I went to sleep that night thinking, because we live in the Palisades. And I just remember thinking, I'm pretty sure that our house will go. And it did not. But just the number of people I've heard from, people I know personally who lost houses is stunning. It's crazy. And I know you're in Altadena and it must be the same thing where it's not just you. You must know so many people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Is there anything I'm is there anything that you're doing now that at least helps you feel like you can take steps? Like, I don't know what the process of we've been I've been locked out of we've been no one gets close to our neighborhood. I don't know when we'll get back to our neighborhood. But you've got this other consideration of, OK, what? What are the steps involved?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Meaning, yeah, do you with insurance claims, things like that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. And you can't process it all at once.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But sometimes is that helpful to engage in like, okay, this is a tangible thing I can do that gets us to the next step rather than just sit and think about, perseverate, worry about what's happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You sent me this great video of them on the beach. Yeah. Just having a wonderful time. Your boys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
It's Thursday, January 16th, 2025. Fires broke out, I believe it was a week and two days ago, right? Yeah, Tuesday night. I think it started Tuesday afternoon and then got worse and worse and worse throughout the day. And we've all had our own experiences. But really, we have to start by acknowledging that, Sona, you lost your house. Yeah. And there, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Can I ask, did you have a chance before you left your house? Did you have a chance to get anything?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I went back in and got my Crocs. One of them. I got one of my Crocs. I just wanted one of them. I really liked the left Croc. But you got some heirlooms.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
That's right. He was on our Tonight Show. Yeah. And I remembered I introduced you to him and said, this is your number one fan. And he was so nice to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think, too, there's a mantra everyone has now, which is correct, which is, oh, it's just stuff. And as long as we're OK and as long as my family's OK, and that's true. But you also have to acknowledge it's a loss. It's a loss because it's not so much the stuff itself. It's what it signifies. It's the memories. And you have to process that. You can't skip over that. you know, we're all okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You can't skip right to that and stay there because, um, you are going to feel all these things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So do you need to, do they want you to prove that? Yeah. How do you do that? I have a piece of roof that I keep in my wallet. I mean, I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. I mean, I've been displaced. Me too. And I do not deserve a 20% discount. Can you imagine me going around, oh, I've been displaced. I have to live in a pretty nice hotel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Sir, this is a frozen yogurt establishment. Sir, you're buying a Rolex. I don't want to pay full price. And it's Patek Philippe to you, sir. No, it's it's it's it's it's absolute fucking craziness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. What if you're doing that five years from now when you live in a beautiful new home and you're thriving and you've written like your third bestselling book? And you pull up in a, you know, in a, like a, you pull up in a BMW. Hey, house burned down. I'm getting some unleaded gas. Looking at the price. What's the SNAP 20 off that? When did your house burn? Five years ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Oh, I also won the lottery last week.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
No, but it's, it's, man, it's, it's, it's, it's been very hard to process. I, I don't know about you, but it's also just, uh, um, well, I'm going to switch to you for a minute, Gourley, because, you know, I know that you were in, there was a while there where I was pretty certain that, Oh, Pasadena. I don't think that looks good. And I know your house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I just thought, is this going to get you too? And I guess it didn't get to you, the fire. Is that right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You don't have to keep it together. There's, you know, you and I have texted a lot and talked some on the phone, but words just seem so stupid when somebody lost their home.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Are you back in your house now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And it's one I've thought about in comedy, which is you can be funny or you can be happy. And I really believed in that dichotomy. And I remember years ago living in L.A. and stating that. Getting molested.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I do a lot of, like, squats and bends, and I'm trying. And I was doing a live show with Tig Notaro once, and I was backstage just trying to stretch before I go out, and she had the microphone and could see me and was just calling me out in front of the whole audience. Like, Conan's doing these stupid stretches that will in no way... It was hilarious. Of course, she's hilarious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
We all did what we had to do. You know, I'm here now. Hey, it was a different time. Different time. A lot of couches. You know what? No one wanted me on a couch. Right? I mean, let's just be honest. Not even your therapist. No one, yeah. No one was like, I got to get me a piece of that Conan. That featherless ostrich. Why? Why do I invite you back? I don't know. It's not right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But to your point, I really did believe that that was a choice you had to make, and I was okay with...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And it sort of woke me up. See, I've had people tell me I should do that. I've never done that. And I also have a long way to go. I'll admit that. I think I've made progress.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You've always thought pot would be good for me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I'm kind of fascinated with this idea that I think there's part of me that thinks because of what I come from, this... very tightly wound, I don't know, Boston Catholic, whatever you want to do. Sure. And then my own propensities that it's never going to happen. And then there are days where I think, no, I could do this. I could do this. I could become a flexible person.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Well, you've changed your life a lot, right? You've cleaned up your act a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I'm just saying we live in an experimental age. We live at a time when- Hey, man, you're sucking an aluminum dick. Hey, and I have no shame about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
there's always a clip on my wife my wife is is yeah she's the best she's you got you guys came over for dinner and uh she's fantastic and i and and i feel i accomplished the same thing i found the right person i found someone who is on me uh understands me uh does not let me get away with shit sometimes she lets me get away with a little just because she's like uh let him go yeah just let
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But then I think there's another school of thought. No, if you're not flexible at the age I'm at now, you can look it up. Google away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Also, I'm sorry. This guy is coming to you with a real low bar. Oh, you know. Oh, no, that was it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That's the craziest motivation for I got to hit the gym. I know. I'm signing up. Hey, well, what made you come in? Well, I'm fighting my 17-year-old son, and he got the better of me. So this is my wake-up call that I need to work out so I can beat the shit out of him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, no. What I would like to do is, yeah, I just, I don't want to stiffen up as I get older. I guess you're wearing some, like, Yeah. And I'm bringing it up today because, as you know, I'm still displaced, whatever. Very fortunate to still have my place. But I do sometimes just pick clothes out of the back of my car.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I was of the era where my brother and I would go down to Fenway Park without it. Just would think, hey, let's go watch a Red Sox game. And we'd walk down and you could get bleacher seats. Oh yeah, for like eight bucks. Yeah, and we would get bleacher seats and we would sit in the bleachers. No planning, no, like we got tickets. And we would go and we'd sit up there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And what they did was they hired, this is back when the Red Sox- They'd stand on Conan's shoulders and then hold himself up over the green monster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That was supposed to be a surprise, Random House, next year. Fuck you, you fucking red-headed cunt. I was doing a pre-promotion for it. Thank you. No, but we would sit in the bleachers, and what was hilarious was they used to hire, like, football players, these massive linebackers from, I think, BU, and they would...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You know, guys with massive necks and they were the crowd control, but not professional crowd control. Their job was just if anything got out of line, if they saw some people like having a little too much to drink and maybe getting into it, starting to fight a little bit. These guys with massive necks from BU would go running up and they would wail out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I'm called a bottomless hole. There's no filling this. Every time you're going to have to repeat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And today I picked this stuff out and I realized I basically wore what you would wear to like a gym today, which I rarely do. I usually like to dress.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I like that you can't get through this without laughing. Because, dude, that's the most Boston part of this. So anyway, his spine is severed!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It was kind of like... That is Belle Bib DeVoe. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It's funny. You did this special in Seattle. I almost sensed you love to go to a place where you feel like you're not just going to... You could... You go to certain places where you're just going to get where you know what their attitude is and you know you're going to get unconditional love.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Obviously, you have a lot of fans in Seattle, but you go there, I think, because you want to challenge some of what Seattle may stand for right now in some ways. Is that possible?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah. This is this. My wife got these for my son. He didn't want them. And I put them on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It's the cold shave for you. There's part of you that wants to go someplace. And you did this for years on my show, which was why I always loved you. But you would have the take that wasn't the comfortable take that everyone would applaud at. You would always want to put yourself in a situation where you weren't- Push people away from you. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. No, but it was hilarious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And I think something that's quite unusual about you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I know we should be. There is this weird cross hatching. It looks to me like I'm on the set of Logan's Run, the TV show from or Tron. Right. Right. This is not me. I never do this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah, you talk about, you say there's these ages when men, not women, men just drop dead. And you say it's 49 to 61.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, you got it. But you say that's the age. That's this window. And he said, it doesn't happen. It's really funny. I don't want to blow your special. I want people to watch it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah. But because I'm wearing this, I do feel there's a little bit of an 80s vibe. But also because I'm wearing this, when you wear clothes like this, you start doing stretches. And it was on my mind because I started doing stretches today out in the main room where everybody is. And I got on the floor and other people. RJ.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I tried it once and I thought it's going to take so much work for me to be very bad that I want to put that time into maybe getting a little better at guitar. Like that was my inspiration. And nobody seems to be enjoying it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Like he's dunking. It's just like, well, this makes me happy because I've sometimes, I'm adjacent to a lot of people that are golfers. Jeff Ross golfs a lot and likes to talk about golfing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
RJ, who works here at the podcast. He told me he's been stretching like on a professional level since he was five. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It really is. You know, you talked about one thing. There's so many things you bring up that I relate to. And one is you don't own a gun, but you like guns and you bring this up in your special. And I kind of relate, meaning I'm too scared. I would not. No, no. I don't want a gun in my house. I'd love to have one. Oh, you would? I don't want a gun in my house. I don't want to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But I've kind of always been fascinated by guns and the times that I've been in situations where someone's let me shoot guns. I've found it to be very cathartic. It's really interesting to me. I like to kind of get the basics down of it, but I don't want to own one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
He stretches an hour a day. And here's the thing, he can't stand. He's so relaxed and loose. I admire that. No, no. He's brought into work in a bowl like gazpacho. And they pour him into his seat and he does his work. But no, he's very impressive. He's super physically fit. I think he's a black belt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
How many fucking opportunities do you need? Jesus Christ. It's like 900. Anything that's firing 900 rounds a second. You don't have to. There's no skill.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Well, he may be, actually. I don't like to add fuel to the fire. Oh, okay. I was with him in the CIA for a while. You were in the CIA?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
They said, we don't want a hairless ostrich. Featherless.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, okay. Featherless. No, it was me. It was Fallon. There was a bunch of us that were in heavy CIA training. I was asked to leave. Fallon kept singing. They asked him to leave.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
My least favorite thing in this era we're in is everyone's certain. There's certainty. And I like whatever happened to uncertainty, whatever happened to... I like comedy where I admit I don't know. I don't know what the answers are. Yeah. And I'm going to think of some stuff that is amusing to me and share it with you and hope that you find it funny. But I see it a lot in comedy now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Can RJ come in? Because I'm very impressed with RJ. And you know what? A lot of people work here. Not impressed with a lot of them. I literally go around looking, is there someone here who I'm impressed with? Please, have a seat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
There's a lot of certainty. And in politics, everyone's absolutely 100% certain. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Hey, guys. So, RJ, I should be asking you this question. First of all, what is your actual position here at the show?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That's OK. So you're you're positing that there's a lot of carcinogens out there and no one's talking about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Spitting out fish. Like a cartoon. I know. I know like a cartoon.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah, that sounds... Dead bodies. I saw you the other day breaking into an ATM with a crowbar. He asked for money. I know, I know. And he said, I don't want to use a card. Anyone can use a card. Use this crowbar. We were talking the other day, you mentioned stretching. It's been in the back of my head.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That's the shit you built, you fucking asshole. What made you think of the St. Francis Dam? Look that up. When did that happen?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So we're sitting here talking about current events, and you just go right to the St. Francis Dam collapse.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I have a pretty good library. He does. They're all leather-bound. Oh, come on. They're not all leather-bound.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, my God. It was the longest night of my life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
One of my old girlfriends took a photo of me and it's like on this beautiful beach, like 1994, when I took like my first vacation ever and I'm on the beautiful beach in the Caribbean and I'm sitting there and I'm reading William Shire's Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. It's like a telephone book with a swastika on the cover. And I'm completely in shade because God forbid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
What country were you in? No, I was in the Caribbean somewhere. And so God forbid I get any sunlight at all. And I'm wearing, you know, Rose Kennedy's sun hat underneath an umbrella. And I'm reading this giant morality tale about the rise and fall of the Third Reich in tiny print.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I was doing my travel show with my team and we checked into this town in Lentz, named Lentz. And we're walking around and I said, every building here looks like it was built starting in 1950. Man, for whatever reason, they bombed the shit out of the place. And so I got on my phone, looked up Linz, like what happened in Linz.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And then today, before I know it, I'm on the ground, you're on the ground, and you're showing me these different stretches. And you did one where your hips basically just flattened out like a spatchcocked chicken. And I was like, my hips will never do that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And Linz is the, it wasn't his birthplace, but it was the town where Hitler grew up. The allies knew that. It was also, I think it was in armaments. They built armaments there. And so they bombed the shit out of it. And you can see that every single building, and I've seen this in Cologne too, where the only thing they didn't hit was the cathedral. The church, yeah. the cathedral.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And I've talked to people there and they've said, people who think, you know, war, who romanticize war need to come to these places. Oh no, it's brutal. Because every single, every single building was demolished. Everything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Well, I knew this is where the podcast was going to go. At the very beginning, I said, I'm going to get us to the devastation in World War II.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
He did at the end want them to burn Paris. And one general was like- Because he couldn't have it. He was like a fucking jilted lover. Yeah, exactly. So at the very end, he wanted to, you know, I'm just, I'm tired of you letting Hitler slide. Bill Burr.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
god bless you norm totally presented it like he was the only guy who would ever read up i don't know if you ever heard about one of the worst people of the last century but uh i'm getting into it um listen i want to make sure we get the word out on your special it's out right now and uh it is called uh drop dead years yeah and it's on hulu streaming on hulu and uh
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah, yeah. Me and Ed Sheeran will come together with Ron Howard. Yeah, from the day I met you, no one's mind works like yours, and it's a beautiful thing to behold.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That's another Norm line. He had a line once where he said, I went home to Christmas break and at one point I accidentally made eye contact with my father. I know what he's talking about. We all know what he's talking about. Oh, man, that guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Sona will tell you because Sona has spent many years observing me. She watches how I wash makeup off. Oh, my God. She watches how I brush my teeth and I could start a fire on my face. Everything I do is, is to get everything, but like quick and hard, like let's get this done. Yeah. And there's a self-loathing involved in it. So stretching is the antithesis to all of that. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Um, if my, I'm going to say if I had an operation, if I had an operation where my knees were removed and my feet were presented to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, I am. Uh, my problem is of course I have a, I have a little bit of an unusual build, very long legs, shorter torso proportionally. So yeah, if I really lean for a while, yes, I can get down there. I can't even do that. Well, you're a mess. I mean, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Here's my question is, RJ, would you be willing? I shift you away from your responsibilities with Adam because whatever shit you're doing for him, he can do for himself. And you just become my full-time stretch guru.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, really? We'll both dress like a guy from an early 80s space television sci-fi.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, sitting here with Sona Mosessian and a giggling, I don't know why, Matt Gourley. It's the way I introduce the show, so just get over it. You can't giggle every single time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
show okay uh yeah i do i i'm i'm into this i want to try it i want to try and become more flexible yeah i want to evolve this is something i'm saying as a serious thing i i am interested in this concept that i can keep evolving that i can keep changing in certain ways uh a lot of cool things have happened in the last 10 years that i didn't see coming so why couldn't i become flexible
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, I want RJ to do it. I want him to do. Is there any way that you can do all the stretching?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That's crazy. But also, you started when you were five.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I think I just joined like the evil side button. There's probably one walking around Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. And you're just going to start kicking his ass. Poor guy's going to have like a fanny pack. He's just trying to get money. He just wants a tip. He just wants a tip so he can take a selfie with you. Suddenly he's getting wailed on by this red bearded martial artist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Uh, well, RJ, uh, I'm very impressed by what you can do. And, um, I will, I will try to learn from you. I will try to absorb. You are now my, uh, you are Yoda to my Mark Hamill in the second.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
The text was the second one. And then, but I guess now it's actually the 15th. Um, well, I'm with you on that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It'll suck. Hey, let's go see the new Don Rickles. He's really nice to the audience. He gives everybody some fruit salad. Later. Don Rickles is broke. Thank you, RJ. All right, guys, let's get into it. My guest today, that's right, RJ's a redhead. I'm a redhead. My next guest today, also a redhead, hilarious comedian whose latest special, Bill Burr, Drop Dead Years, premieres March 14th on Hulu.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
He's also making his Broadway debut in Glengarry Glen Ross later this month. I love this guy. I'm thrilled he's with us today. Bill Burr, welcome. You and I have, we have a special connection. I really believe that. We're both gingers. We both grew up-
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I'm a professional broadcaster. Yeah. Okay. And I have a question and this is a serious question, which is, can I become flexible at my age? I mean, physically flexible. And this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately because I know people do yoga and stuff. I am a particularly tight, tight assed gentleman of a later vintage lifestyle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
There's only two of us that are allowed to be together. Two gingers from the Boston area that are incredibly a weird mixture of. Bitterness, right? I would have gone with anger first, but okay, we'll go bitterness, anger, confused. I hide my anger, I think, or have in the past. Don't I hide it better than Bill? Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But Sona, you've seen, and Matt, you guys have seen up close the Beast, right? You've seen the Beast. We have. But for many years on television, I was a, quote, good guy. But there was a Bill Burr inside me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
How do we know? How do we know? How do we know? We were in the same era.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Do you go back to reunions and things like that? A high school reunion? I don't know if I told you this, but I went back to one of mine years ago, a high school reunion, and I was doing the late night show, well-known person. I go back and this guy comes up to me and he goes, hey, go on and remember the time
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
that you and me busted into that liquor store down by the point and we stole all that booze, but the cops came and we both took off and you went left and I went right and you got all the booze and then you drank it yourself. And I'm listening. I'm like, you have the wrong guy. I have never had a parking violation in my life. I didn't drink until I was like 26. He's got the wrong guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But he inserted me into his story, and I thought, I bet that happens to you. Unless, no, you were probably the guy that was stealing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Right. Yeah. There was that guy I went to high school with who looked like Jane Lynch. I couldn't remember. I think I committed a crime with him. No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You see me all the time trying to stretch it out, don't you, Sona?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
My kids are in their late 50s. Children. They have sciatica. You started a little bit late, too, and I'm still way behind you. Yeah, you're way behind me. You know, I watched your special. In many areas. Yes. Exactly. Don't rub it in. I watched your special, Drop Dead Years. Yeah. Loved it. And I know it's coming out. When's it coming out? I want to make sure I get it. It's out right now. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Very excited about the Red Sox next year, the 75 Red Sox. It should be amazing. And I'm glad that busing crisis is finally over. Oh, finally, yeah. No more racism. No more racism in Boston.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Austin will be fine. Yeah. No, but I watched your special and you talk about going to the funeral of a friend. First of all, it's a very, very funny, I feel it's a redundant saying Bill Burr had a really funny standup special. Why is it so hard for you to say that about me? You said it twice. I just root against you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, Burr has achieved some success. Another ginger from Boston. There's only room for one. Just what I needed. But I watched your special and it's fantastic. You talk about losing a friend and going to the funeral. And of course, you have some very funny observations about that, but it opens up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It feels like you're opening up a little more in this special about your personal life and some of your struggles. And it's fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Because for most of the many, many, many years I employed you, you wore the same jacket every day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yes. I've said this for many years, and I don't think most people would understand it. I think the assumption is if you're working on something cool that's going to be iconic, everyone knows it as they're working on it. And that is not the case. And I've always said it takes a lot of very talented people working very hard to to make something terrible. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You know, it's why I get very impatient around Oscar season. There are all these reviews of movies and a lot of them are really brilliant movies and they'll say, yeah, but then they really blew it in that one part. Right. And I'll be thinking, do you know how hard it is just to make a movie? I know. Let alone a great movie. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
It's always- One thing geeking out about Severance, the visuals, the way it shot, the colors, there's all this thought going into stuff The machines they use are oddly out of time. The cars and stuff. The cars are out of time, which leads to all different kinds of theories, but the choices, directing and creating a lot of the time is about choices and just, everything is just a little odd.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
off in this weird way that I can't quite put my finger on. And I find I could watch it, you know, watch it with the sound on, and then you could watch it again with the sound off and just look at the colors and what people are wearing and how things are framed in the shots.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I just assumed it would be okay because you wear it all the time. So the one time you took it off, you left it in your house and that's when your house caught fire?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
We recommend that people, when they're driving, turn the sound off. Yeah. And you'll have a completely superior experience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
It's funny because you've had one of those careers, too, where you've you popped in different things over the years. Sona, you're a we all love Step Brothers. You're a Step Brothers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And I know that your arc in Parks and Rec was a little strange, right? When the show started, there's a story to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
So it all sort of came around. Now, this is the inevitable question. Did you ever get to ask Mike, Hey, man... What the fuck? What the fuck? I was here, remember, when I auditioned for you? That's just something that, and it's so funny because I've had, we've had this experience here on this podcast where we're talking to iconic, legendary actors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yeah. Well, I could buy you 30. They don't look that expensive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And when they bring up the guy who snubbed them, the casting director, Harrison Ford, did it on this podcast. And he was like- you know, the year was 1967. He was still like pissed about it. And he's pissed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And also, you know, famously, famously Michael Jordan, when he was accepted into like the, you know, Basketball Hall of Fame, his speech was all a list. Yeah. He started listing people who, you know, this guy benched me in fifth grade. Remember that? It's Josh Killaway. Yeah. You know, and it's his fuel like that documentary. Yeah. Constantly bring it. It's his fuel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But it does bring up the idea of you're working with someone who rejected. I had this with.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You know what? You're right. Yes. God damn it. This is the goal of my podcast. To dig up old animosities. Here's a very well-liked, Adam is a very well-liked actor, celebrity, critically acclaimed. His wonderful family. He's happy. He's having this big moment that will keep going. And all I want to do is get him mad. I'm going straight to Mike's house after this. Ding dong. Hey, Adam.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Bang, asshole. Boom. Fuck you. And then we never speak again. Then later he hears the podcast. Oh, I see. Then he rings my bell. Oh, hi, Mike. Bang. Soon. Just a cavalcade of people punching each other. And just lawsuits for years. Yeah, lawsuits for years. We're all tied up in the courts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I... I had this with Ray Romano, Ray Romano, who we didn't, he wanted to be a monologue writer for my show. Great comedian, great joke writer. We didn't have a slot, but he had a good packet and people knew him. So I met with him. Yeah. And sat across, he came into my office and, you know, at the time I'm like 32 years old. Do you remember meeting him?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
All I'm saying is I used to give you a hard time about that jacket. And I'm sure we've discussed it in different episodes. I called it the old Dr. Zaius. It was it's a dark jacket. Dr. Zasis was kind of an orange, but it was black.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
vaguely and he was sitting there and he was real nervous and I just kind of said that your stuff is great, but we didn't have an opening. So he goes from that experience to maybe a year later getting Everybody Loves Raymond and then becoming this monolithic TV star. Yeah. I remember later on running into him and saying, I was really bummed I didn't get that job.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I'm like, what are you talking about? Do you realize what we pay monologue, right? Why? Was it me? There wasn't an element. Ray! Ray! Hello! Ray!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You're Ray Romano. That doesn't happen if you're with me writing, oh, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You can buy and sell me 35s. I know, but I think I could have done that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Anyway, you know, it's just, I don't know. I love people that just get stuck on something like that. And I'm trying to get you stuck on it, but it didn't work out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yes. And he sat right where you're sitting and he's one of my all time. That was a great interview. And talk about, you can't believe, I couldn't believe that I'm in, you know, I mean, I had bumped into him a couple of times. He had always been very sweet to me. knew who I was, would like call me, called me over to his table once in a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I mean, just, I couldn't, I couldn't believe that this guy, there's of all the space in his brain, there's one cell that knows about me. Like I couldn't, I couldn't believe it because I'm such a massive fan, but he was sitting here and yeah, he was very in touch with no bitterness at all, but very much in touch with the fact that, you know, Coppola and the studio really didn't want him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I mean, Coppola wanted him to have the role in The Godfather, but studio didn't want him. And then for maybe half the shoot of the movie, the studio doesn't like him. And Coppola is like, yeah, no, he's not bringing it. He's not bringing it and tells him that. And he remembered being called over to Coppola's table at a restaurant and Coppola didn't even stand up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yeah, you didn't ask him to sit down. Didn't ask him to sit down. And so he was very much in touch with that and still is. And I remembered him saying to me, like, you know, Conan, they didn't want me. They didn't want me. And I'm like, yes. But then you did get it and you became the face of the set. Michael Corleone. Yes. For not one, but two of the greatest films ever made.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yeah, it was black, but had some crenellations and folds, had a little bit of an 80s vibe to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And then you go on to do all this other iconic work. And it's like, I know, but they didn't want me. And, um... It's just incredible. Al Pacino. Al Pacino is sweating stuff out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Also, I love, and this has happened before too, I love the concept that there are crew people going, who the fuck is this guy? And when they were shooting the opening of The Godfather and it takes place at the big wedding at Marlon Brando's estate and everyone's dancing and having fun and they cut over to Michael and Kay, he's really underplaying it. He's just...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
He's just out of the army and he's explaining who people are. He's like, oh, that's Luca Brazzi. He works for my father. He takes care of... So what does your father do, Michael? But apparently those dailies came back and the people at, I guess it was Paramount maybe, were like, who is this droopy noodle of a guy in a big army hat? He's terrible. Yeah. Like zero charisma.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But anyway, you just wore the same thing every single day. And I used to say, did I not? I'll get you a jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And he's not being... And the crew, the crew is like, what's with this guy? And apparently the other time that happened, you're a graduate. Yeah. So Dustin Hoffman is, you know, in the book, The Graduate, The Graduate is a blonde haired, blue eyed. And so they wanted like Robert Redford. That was just who it was supposed to be.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And the big brave decision was, no, it's going to be this little known actor, theater actor, Dustin Hoffman, who's not a blonde haired, blue eyed kid. And the crew and everyone is like, what the fuck? This guy's mumbling. Is this the same crew? What about you? Hey, trust me, this is the crew. Hey, trust me. They didn't believe in what they were working on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
This is the crew I had at late night in 93, 94, 95. Because we inherited Dave's. And I swear to God, people were, I don't blame them, but they were like, you know, they had just had David Letterman.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I had a third... Yeah, his cork. I had his camera, some of his camera, because they stayed behind. Dave went to CBS and took some people. But there was a cork, and I don't blame them. There was like cable pullers and stuff. And David Letterman, after 11 years of reinventing the format and dominating, has now gone on to greater heights. And... They're like, they got this new kid. Here he comes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And I come in. And I'm like, hi, everybody. My name's Conan. I know. Anyway, I like improv. We're going to try some weird stuff. I don't know. I think it's going to be okay. Hey, does anybody... What dries up acne? Does anybody know? Like, I still had acne break out occasionally. And I'd be like, does anyone... Because I use this stuff, but is there something better? Oh, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Oh, it was worn in all right. Yes. No, no, no. It was, wow. I am shocked that jacket's gone because that is such a part of... It's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But that was the thing that blew my mind was the, and I didn't blame them, but there were just, I mean, there were guys on my crew that had worked on Sullivan when the Beatles played there. Wow. And I would ask them like, what was that like? And they were guys from Long Island.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You know, and they'd say stuff like, I don't know. I was mad because it's a Sunday night. I'm not supposed to work Sunday night. And then they call me because Steve got, I got to come in. And so I'm up in there and I did, but,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
it was the Beatles it was the Beatles and I'm like I don't know that fucking hair I don't know and then I'm on the way home and then the carburetor blows out so fuck that shit you know and I don't get paid overtime and you're like that's their memory of it yeah you're like great this was a really special talk that we just had thank you very much historic on the subject of music I know that you have done many podcasts music centric podcasts you have your obsessions R.E.M.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
My college girlfriend, when I was, I think a senior, she was so cool. She knew about music. She knew bands before they broke, but I remembered her being very cool and saying, yeah, REM. I'm like, REM? What is that? That's a band? And kind of thinking, great, you like your niche little band that's not going anywhere.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I think I said to her, nothing you say is of value to me. She walks out on me. What's that all about?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yeah. And to this day, a lot of great music. Yeah. So it's, what are your bands? Your bands are R.E.M., U2.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
What are you watching when you're a kid? What are the shows that mean something to you on TV? Letterman was a huge one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You hit pure joy and then you clearly couldn't do it. Like you had eaten something rotten and you couldn't keep it down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Oh, I'm obsessed with, I've had huge fights. I had a huge fight with Bill Burr who loves chips. And I went after Bill and said, chips is a piece of shit. And he's like, what are you talking about? He's getting crazy on me about how much he loves chips and how much it meant to him. But if you watch those shows now, the editing, they'll, I don't know if everyone's on Coke that's making them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But the shots are lazy. So the whole point of the show is there's going to be this big meeting. Right. You know, and so a guy's going to pull up in his car and go talk to someone who's in another car. Yeah. The car will pull up in some big parking lot 30 feet away. The guy will get out and shut the door and walk 30 feet to the other guy. Totally. No cutting. No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I love that I just pointed to a vagina and said, what is that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
No editing because they're like, yeah, we can kill some time walking from that giant bad late 70s American car to this one. That's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Like really see if he can hang in there. Yeah. Well, I'm sure I'll be getting a call from him very soon. I just saw him the other day. We had a lovely meal and now he's going to feel like I betrayed him. But I think we are in TV's golden age.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I keep saying that clearly the whole business changed, but what you're describing and now we sound like, you know, the two old men on The Muppet Show in the balcony. You watched what was on. Right. And you had an awareness sometimes, this doesn't seem that good. Right. But it was all there was. Yeah. There's three networks. And also there's what comes in, meaning what will my reception capture?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yes. Because sometimes there's a good show and you'd go to turn it on and there was the antenna. I keep moving the antenna around. Yeah, that's right. And so just this, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Right. And so now there's the other problem of I have 7,000 options.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And yes, there are some very obvious choices I can make. Yeah. When I know there's a really good documentary out or, hey, Severance is back. I know what I'm doing. It's appointment television. But then there's so much. Yeah. where people have told me, you've got to watch GubGubNation. And I'm like, what is it? I love GubGubNation. You're surrounded by people that love GubGubNation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And I'll be like, what's GubGubNation? We're GubGubbers. Yeah, we're just from way back. GubHeads, what's up, everybody? Season one, GubHeads.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And I'll say, what is it? And they'll be like, oh, it takes place at an advertising agency. It's British. But you're going to really. And then I'll watch like two episodes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Seven. Get to seven. No, you have to. Get to seven because that's when the gub gubbers show up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Never mind, never mind, never mind. I remember my writing partner when I came out to LA for the first time, Greg Daniels, of course, the great Greg Daniels. He and I came out here and we're both 22 years old. And there wasn't that much television. There was just, as I said, a couple of networks and a couple of big sitcoms and some dramas. And so you'd seen everything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
There was no such thing as a show that you had never heard of because there aren't that many shows.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
So I remember once Greg and I are working late and I think we were over at Sunset Gower Studios, which isn't too far from where we are now. And we're these like wide-eyed 22-year-old guys right out of college. And we're working on this show called Not Necessarily the News. But then we're also wandering around because we're like, wow, this is where they make television.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And we wandered on to, oh my God, this is the set where they make Benson. Whoa. And Benson with Robert Guillaume.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I think they were still making it. And this would be 1985. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
That's it. And it's all the lights are kind of down. There's a couple of lights on, but there's like cloth over things. They put the things, the sheets over the furniture. And we're wandering in and Greg and I, I mean, it's so funny now Greg has made so much iconic TV, but I remember very clearly him being like, wow. And I'm like, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And then we walk in and we get up close and we look and we're looking at the actual like vase and table. And it's supposed to be a rich like governor's mansion.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
It's like, because- Fake. It's all fake. And it's all slapped on kind of fake gold paint. And the vase looks like it costs $2. And I remember having this revelation of, it's all a lie, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You know, and then having that realization over and over and over again, whenever I was on a set and sitting down and like, this is the chair? Right. Where the girls on Facts of Life sit? Wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I used to go over there a lot, hang out in the chair. That sounds so creepy. The chair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
There's that one scene. No, I don't. Which one does Mrs. Garrett sit in? Point me in the general direction. Uh, no, but I mean, it's just so, uh, such a revelation when you got to see.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Um, and it would be, I mean, it's, it's never really changed, you know, when you're on a set. Oh yeah. The first time that I saw Letterman show, which so weirdly, but I was in college and I went to New York and saw a live taping of late night with David Letterman.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Having no idea that I would take over that show. That's wild. And in that studio. And that some of those crew members would be my crew members. And I'm, so I remembered sitting, being led in by NBC pages and sitting down and thinking, what's going on? Yeah. This is really small.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Because on television, the perspective is widened and things look big.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And realizing, wait a minute, what the fuck? Like where Dave is standing doing his monologue, he can reach over and touch, you know, Paul Schaefer. Yeah. He can touch him. Whereas on TV, the way they shoot it, it doesn't look that way at all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And Studio 6A is notoriously, it's a small, it was built for radio. Yeah. It wasn't built for television. Yeah. And that's the magic of it, is that it's small. So comedy rockets around the room and bounces off the walls.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I was sitting pretty far back and I would have to... Because that's incredible. I got to find that episode, actually. Who was the guest? Do you remember? It's a blur. I have a memory of one bit, and I'm going to really have to think about it. But a door slides open, and a boxer comes out of the wall. But I bet I could figure out what the episode is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Oh, you've never done that thing that women are supposed to do to empower themselves where they get a mirror and they look there and they love themselves and all that whole thing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I don't think there's a shot of me in the audience. I was sitting pretty far back with my friend Maya Williams, and... And afterwards, Maya knew one of the writers on the show, Steve O'Donnell.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And Steve brought us up to the offices. Whoa. And we're sitting in Steve O'Donnell's tiny office, and I'm sitting there with Maya talking to Steve, and Meryl Markle walks by, and a guy in a leather jacket walks by with her carrying a box, and it's Dave Letterman. Wow. He kind of just nods at us and keeps moving.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And I, it was, well, there's no, if I was a kid, I'd say it was like the president of the United States walked by, but that no longer works. Right. That was the president. Now, I'm sorry. I don't care who's president now in this world. It would be like, oh, it's the president. It's been so demystified. Who cares? So, but I'll never forget. I remember the jacket he was wearing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I remembered and remembered thinking, wow. Yeah. He gets to have this show. And then the idea that, what is that? That's probably 1983. The idea that 10 years later, I'm hosting that show to this day makes no sense to me. And I think was a mistake. I really do in my heart think it was a fucking blunder. No, I mean, I'm taking it all in. I'm whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
That wasn't disdain. He's saying it with utter horror. Horror.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I'm saying it's a beautiful thing, but it doesn't make any sense. Did you ever tell Dave that? It's funny. I don't know that I have. I don't know that I have, because I don't know. I mean, not that Dave and I talk that much, only because we don't cross paths much. When we do, I treasure those moments.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But from his perspective, it's a story of, I saw you once and you were wearing a leather jacket in a hallway. Yeah. And I had acne. Right. And I asked you, do you have anything that can clear this up? Do you have anything? And will your crew hate me as much as I think they will? No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
He might, I don't know. Or he might have me taken away by his retinue of goons. What was the story when you were on the bit? Oh, yeah, you didn't tell us. You did a bit. What happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Well, ours, you could see it all the time. That's true. And sometimes it looks right at you. They're on the outside.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You know what I love? You so don't want to tell us what it is. I know. You keep qualifying it. I know. And another thing you should know. Is that the Roman Empire did not have movable type.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But then, and then you start to go through like, for example. Yeah. Reese is like, go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And you and Andy would be like, oh, it would take on this life of its own. And it's like nuclear fission or fusion. It's just going to. Yes. Molecules are going to be bouncing off each other and the rest will take care of itself. That's right. Yeah. And we'll be fine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
No, no, and this is the perfect place to discuss this because it's anatomy of a, you are not alone. I've had many prominent people come up to me over the years and say, I just want to say I'm sorry. And I'll say, what? And they'll say, oh, in 1998, I came on and I tried this thing and I bombed so hard and I don't remember. Right. Yours, I remember. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I wake up every morning thinking about it and my wife is like, what happened? Is it the Wilburys? I'm like, it is, it is. And she's like, you're not there anymore. It's over. It's over. You're safe. You're with me. And we get a cold cloth and we, but it was so long.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And so, but what I remember about that moment is you, a lot of other people would have bailed and you clearly were like, no, I made my bed and I'm seeing this through to the end. And I think at the end you say something like, and that is why. Yeah. People can look it up now, which is the beauty, but- No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Well, I think I don't know. I'm not sure. It's vagina. That's what it is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I think I tried. You tried. I do have the reputation of trying to help.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
At a certain point, I saw nine sharks chomping away at Adam Scott and blood and gore filling the water. And I decided to get back on the boat. That sounds like you. I removed my foot from the water and got into the boat. And then, because I saw, like, he's lost too much. It's over, you know? I had no legs. Like, what are you going to do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
At the end of the episode, we did cut it out, but at the end of the episode, you went from telling a good story to just being a head. That's right. Just floating like, where are you going? A head sitting on a chair. I still haven't done Roy Orbison. We never did get to Roy Orbison. Yeah. Well, you know why it's funny now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Because it's funny now because you're, you're just, you could not, things could not be going better for you. And you're in this show where you get to, in every way, show the power you have and the range you have. And yes, the, They could have found someone else to do it, and I think I could have done it. That much is clear.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I think that's, if you take one thing from this episode, is I know how to have my face change a little bit in an elevator. I've done it before. And they wouldn't need special effects. I can just do it. Right, right. And that saves $600.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yes, no, you can do it. Oh, I know you guys do something. No, I just, I couldn't be happier for you because you're just a great guy and you deserve all this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I know you're a busy guy, and thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Let's break bread someday soon. You know what I want? I want to get Bill Burr involved, and then you and I both go at him about chips.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I'm good. People will think I just spilled some tomatillo sauce on me. I don't think I'll wear the pin. I'm good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yes. Yes. They were on the back of, I think they were on the back of Matchbooks.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
There used to be these ads, speaking of scams, on the back of comic books that would say things akin to, if you clip this out and you include $1.50, we'll send you a hovercraft to your home. Definitely. Or there was one that was a submarine. Yeah. A working submarine. So send us $1.50. And I always was curious, do you get something in the mail? That's a good question. And what is it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And how could it be anything close to a submarine? I mean, I would love someone out there to find out what did you actually get in the late 60s and early 70s if you cut out the coupon that said you get a submarine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
But I think I want women to know I'm in their corner. Just keep that thing away from me. Now, would your mom be OK with you wearing that pin?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Maybe, but still, I remember the price being absurdly low and the drawing was very deceptive. It showed like basically a German U-boat prowling the North Atlantic. So I would love to know what did you get? I'm sure it would be very disappointing, but the fact that you got anything that might approximate the foundation of a submarine for $1.50?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
There's Tippy who looks to be a tortoise in a turtleneck. Well, that makes sense. Turtleneck sweater.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
It's just a neck sweater to him. Exactly. He just calls it, this is my sweater. Yeah. This is my me sweater, my me neck, as opposed to a V-neck. And then there's a pirate, clearly. No idea why pirates always have an eye patch. That'll get worked out later on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Very good. Very nice. That's good to know. And then there's Tiny, who is either. Now, this is a little confusing. Could be a little kitten. I think it's a mouse. It's a mouse. You're right. It's a mouse because of the ears.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And also, I don't even know if that's true. I'm telling you, I heard it from a guy. Yeah. I heard it from a guy not too long ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Okay. Well, I guess there's no getting around it. I'm going to be the pirate. Okay. Sona, what would you like?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You're not giving us a lot of time for this. Well, that's the point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
How much time do I have left? You got plenty of time. Good, because I need more time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
No, I want it to be somewhat decent. I take some pride in my drawing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I'm giving you a jacket. You don't deserve any more than that. I can't believe that jacket went up. I can't believe the fire didn't recoil when it saw the fire.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Nah. Let's get out of here, guys. That thing's ugly. Three, two, hold it, one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Well, also, I was copying something else. I didn't want to get the reputation of someone who steals. So I didn't want to do it. The original artists, whoever they are, it's really their work, and I give it up for them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Blay, weigh in. Blay has seen two in his lifetime. What was the one I came out of?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I mean, I don't know. They're all very different. I don't know how you choose a winner. Who's the winner?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
No, no, no, not, not. I mean, I know who the winner should be. I'm just impressed with how quickly you did this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Let's not get crazy. Can you believe he rendered a mouth of the hat in 60 seconds? Honestly. Never in the annals of man. Less time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
So he gets points for forgetting to do the assignment. Well...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I don't think that should factor in. If I enter a marathon late, you know what I mean, and manage to get a mile in, I don't think you guys would be, whoa.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
$6.98. And it says fires, rockets, and torpedoes over seven feet long, big enough for two kids. Now, that's what they're showing. Now, when I was a kid, I lost my shit over this thing. Yeah. I was like, wait a minute. This is incredible. And I want to know, what was the company? Did anyone in America purchase this thing? And what did you, in fact, get?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And it says, over seven feet long, seats two kids, controls that work. Oh, wait, I think I remember what it is. You know what this is?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You know what? We need to find out. We need to find out because this haunted my childhood. This is up there with the Uncle Sam Halloween mask. I must find out. Someone please out there, the Polaris nuclear sub for $6.98. Plus 75 cents shipping charges. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yeah. Well, why didn't they keep going and have parts of the bladder? Why not just keep going at that point? Why did they put the fallopian tubes in there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
It takes two to tango, as they say. And we do. Biologically, biologically, I think we are for now a necessity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Well, we do things too. We're like, honey, can I get you some tea before I go out to the strip club with my pals? Honey, can I prop your feet up before I head out and ogle the ladies on the boulevard and eat ham sandwiches with my chums?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I don't put them on my... Well, in your case, you biologically have truck nuts, right? I do, yeah. That was just a gift from God and General Motors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
They're a little different. Those are cold weather nuts. Those are four-wheel drive, cold weather, European-designed nuts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Sure, yeah. Yeah. If you can see these nuts, you're way too close, buddy. Back up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
No, I am. I am. I mean, you went through a terrible thing, and I'm... Yeah. I do. It was fun making fun of that jacket, and now that it's gone and the way that it went, I'm sad.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Hey there, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And I do need a friend, fortunately. I have 1.5 in Sonom of Session.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
That's what it is. I have lost... One of the arrows in my quiver. I now have one less thing to attack Sona with. And I think that's the greatest tragedy here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Yes. I'll get you to the end of time. Sorry about your loss. My guest today starred in shows... Like Parks and Recreation and Party Down. Now you can see him in the second season. I am so excited about this. I'm loving the second season. And I do honestly think this is one of the most beautifully crafted things on television. The hit Apple TV series, Severance. So excited he's here today.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I celebrate this gentleman. Adam Scott, welcome. Very excited to have you here. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. I'm a massive fan of your work, but also you as a person. And we've had the joy of hanging out a little bit. And I'm just, I could not be happier for you. Oh, thanks. That you are right now at the center of the coolest show on television. universal acclaim.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Everyone's been waiting on the second season. It shows up. It was appointment television for my son, my wife, and I. We just, like, we sat down, loving it. We debate it. It is beautifully made. You're killing it. And I'm just, I'm happy for you. Thank you, Conan. Do I wish it were me? Yes, I do. Sure. Sure, I understand. Do I feel that maybe there was a chance that I'd get that part? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And Gorley, Matt Gorley. Am I 0.5 or are we both 0.75? You know what? It's something you'll have to figure out on your own. That's the beauty of my mystical little quips. You never know what I really mean. This is an exciting day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
There was a mix-up of some sort? Yeah. I know Stiller called me at one point, and I didn't get the call. I couldn't quite pick it up. No, I'm just... That's show business. Yeah. And then he had to go with his second choice. That's right. Adam Scott? That's right. What the fuck? Well, whatever. You know what? It ended up working out. And no, it is just so artfully done, so beautifully done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
So much thought has gone into this. And I watched the opening shot of the second season several times. Oh, really? Yeah. Because you're, I'm not giving anything away, but the opening shot of the second season, you are running down this hallway that just doesn't end. And there's something about the way it's shot. I don't know what it is. I've watched a lot of film. I've watched a lot of television.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And I have never seen anything quite like it. And I can't put my finger on what's happening there. But it is a absolutely incredible piece of filmmaking that's the start of a television show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Every time I've seen you out on the street, I usually ask you, oh, waiter. Yes. Can I get some more ice water? It's a party down confusion. That's right. Yeah. But anyway, I know that Ben takes this really seriously. And it's not just making a TV show. This is a whole other thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
Because Sona's wearing a jacket I haven't seen before. And this is a woman who will wear the same jacket day in and day out. And I don't believe someone should be a clothes horse. I don't think someone should be, you know, styling it every day. You know, that's not my way. Yeah. But I am not a material man. But...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
The sense I get is that Ben is playing three-dimensional chess. Yes. And, you know... And we're playing Connect Four. Exactly. And you, I'll ask him a question. You'd be like, do not worry. He's seeing like his nine dimensional chessboard. But looking at the whole span of your career, this is quite a different gig. Yeah. First of all, I know it, it took you a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
You paid, talk about paying your dues. You paid your dues for, for a long time. It took you a long time to find your footing, catch your break. And then it was really in, I mean, starting out in like background work. Weren't you doing background work?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
I have to say, I don't know if you guys do this. I, and you might do it because this used to be your profession. I look at background people sometimes in scenes. And if I don't find the scene particularly riveting, I really do look at the background people. And I'm, I'm usually impressed. Yeah. Like they're in it. Yeah. They're both not talking at the same time, even though. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And then every now and then there's someone who's just too happy about having a cup of coffee. Yes. Or having a conversation where they're like, you know. Yes, yes. Take it down a notch. Yes. Yeah. Or wearing a beret. Or wearing a beret. Anything to get noticed. But you know, then when your breaks start to come, it's very much ensemble work. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Adam Scott
And you are in an ensemble now, but you are the face of the show. Yeah. So this is, I mean, there must be something kind of comforting about ensemble work. Yeah. Clearly, I mean, working on something like Party Down, you're just working with these wonderful improvisers. I mean, what a cast. It's incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This is so sick. It's not like the treat's just for you. It's everyone else, which is creating this group thing that's evil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
On how to run a podcast company. But, oh my God, that is wrong slash kind of ingenious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
If I was in my house and that was being projected and coming in through the window, I think I'd lose my mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You have this great quote, when playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving. Yeah. And I thought that is, I understand someone's telling you. Yeah. All the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this one particular situation? Right. But if you're in the seagull. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You know, like, no, I'm supposed to enter and then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself. Right, exactly. This is what I'm supposed to do. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, and you step outside to go get the paper and these lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes. You get your paper in the nighttime? Yeah, I get it delivered at night. When I want it, when there's bad news, I want to hear it right away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's funny because now I'm having this other like flashback memory of I don't know if you remember this, Sona, but when we were doing the shows during COVID.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I think you were one of the first people. Yes, that's right. You may have been the first guest I talked to. COVID hit, all the shows shut down. Then we all came back, I think on the same day, and we were doing- Virtual. Virtual interviews, Zoom interviews.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I think everyone else really had their shit together and they were talking to guests who were in their home, but with state-of-the-art Zoom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I was very excited that you were gonna be like the first guest back. Oh, great. We got Jesse Eisenberg. This is going to be great. And your family had gotten into a van and you were just driving across America. I think you're trying to escape COVID in a van in America, which doesn't work, by the way. But I remembered you having... possibly the worst Zoom signal I've ever seen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And this was on television. You could probably look it up and see it, but it looks like I'm talking to, it looks like it's 1962 and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space. Exactly. Yuri Gagarin, how are you? And then it would go out and then you'd come back in again. And occasionally I could see, you know, like your family in the background trying to swat away COVID.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
What I've remembered is I remember, those are the things I remember in show business. There've been many, you know, flawless, perfectly executed Technicolor interviews that I'll never remember. Yeah. But I just remember you in a baseball cap and your family trying to outrun a virus in a van.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. The only one who didn't get it, Sona, who ate garlic, right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I pay him a little extra to come by at night. It makes me feel, I don't want to read news in the morning. I want to read it at night. And it's the only way to get it through the newspaper, I'm told. Hi, I don't know much about the Internet. But anyway, I don't I don't that looks like way too much to have something projected on the house. But I have a brother who's a fully adult man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Oh, and he got real cocky about it. And he said, he kept, he was always shouting, COVID can never get me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Remember? That's right. And if someone had COVID, he would grab them and open mouth kiss them. Right. He got me too a couple of times for that. That's right. And then finally, You ordered a hamburger and you said, put a little extra COVID on it. And you finally caught it. Got it. So it ultimately was your fault. In my stories, it's always the other person. Put a little extra COVID on it. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I said I wanted COVID. I want two scoops. Make it real COVID-y. You call this COVID? I got to ask you, I know you did Zombieland with him. And so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson because he's an unsolvable mystery to me. And I ask because he, in my little podcast company, he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
With Ted Danson, they do it together in this very room. And whenever I encounter Woody, I'm convinced he's not real. I'm convinced he's not a real person in all the best ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's like him and Paul Rudd are the people that everyone's agreed. We love them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And we've, I mean, mentioned it, but it was a big episode here, but it was, you may not be aware of this, that I was here with Ted and we were waiting on Woody and they said he's good. And then we got this message. Yeah, Woody's running late. He was in a motorcycle accident. And I was saying, he was in a motorcycle accident. Let's all rush to the hospital and go make sure he's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And they're like, nope, he's just going to be 15 minutes late. Yeah. And he showed up 15 minutes late and he had gone like ass over tea kettle over the hood of a car. Right. Not wearing armor. Yeah. And Ted bandaged him. And then we did the podcast. Oh, my God. And I'm and he's like, I'll be right, man. You know what? No. Yeah. You're no. What are you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet. I love that. I'm all for people going for it. You know, it's funny every now and then someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree and then kind of forget about it. And then it just shows up because it all goes into a box and then it goes back on the tree the next year.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. I'm also furious with him because he pulled me aside and said, hey, man. you want to go 50-50 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam? And I'm like, to co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson, I could dine out on that for the rest of my life. And so I said, yes, yes. And he said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no, I'm just saying yes right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no. If you know if I've never see it. Of course. I'm going to tell people, yeah, Woody Harrelson and I co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam. Three days later, we don't talk. He's taping a podcast right in here, and he's talking to Flea. And on air, he goes, hey, Flea, you want to go half and half? And I practically crashed the door down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I'm like yelling at him, you never intended.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He is sold. It's like that con man who sold. A million halves. Yeah. You each get a half. All thousand of you. Now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash. He's the music man. The monorail. He's the music man. Yeah, or the monorail. It's Lyle Landley. Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But one of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just and just to me, that's the price of admission.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I think it's less, yes. I know what you mean. I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you want to call them, people of note. There's some eccentricity. I think the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed. Purposely manufactured.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance. Sometimes I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right, I think this person's unhappy. This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And a couple of years ago, Zach Braff was here and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other. And I remember just coming home and like, it was in my pocket. And I'm like, what's this? And the tree was up and I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree. Like three years go by. And the other day I passed my tree. I'm like, what the fuck?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I know that when I was doing the late night show, Bruce Springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself. Right. And he's wearing a flannel shirt. Right. And he's hanging out in the hallway. And afterwards, someone bought a case of beer and we all cracked it open. We were standing around drinking beer. Because he didn't need validation. He didn't need that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then occasionally there's someone who they're not even the number one name on the call sheet or- of the show they're on, and there's a lot of demands. Of course, yeah, that's always the case. And I'd like to keep the limo afterwards, and I'd also, when I get there, this is what the temperature should be. Right, of course. And to me, that's the pathology of it a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Of course, that makes a lot more sense, of course. And when you meet an authentic person, there's a little piece of zinc in our brains as humanoids where we know, oh, okay, this person is authentic. This Woody Harrelson guy is not making shit up. He's real.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Cell phone tower, yes, yes. Yes. Well, I think he believes it. That's true. That is true. The truth is he believes it. That's true. What's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam. That's the bullshit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, it's not the same. Flea's just going to be doing bass scales the whole time. Really fast. And I'll be like, Jesus, Flea. Do you know another instrument? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This actually leads me to your film. Naturally. Which it does. It does. It leads me to your film because A Real Pain co-stars you and Kieran Culkin as cousins. I saw a trailer first, for I saw the film, as often happens. And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is going to be great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Thanks. Because I adore both of you. I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well different registers. The two of you play these cousins who in many ways could not be more different. For a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext. You two are so funny and real together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There was a whole, he had to do a little time. He had to go away for a bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Why is Zach Braff and Donald Faison hugging each other on my tree?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Let's lay it out for people just because, you know, I never like to give too much away, but it is a really lovely movie and like a tone poem. But also it's a it's a it's a travel story. It's the story of two cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip. Your grandmother. Mm hmm. She survived the war. She survived the camps in Poland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites, you visit a concentration camp, and then you go to see the home where she lived in a kind of Felix and Oscar way, you're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together and very responsible. And he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you two, I mean, you two characters can do anything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There was a, you know, it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, we premiered September 13th, 1993, when I was a 30-year-old kid, and the reviews were pretty much, this won't last. And There was a late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me. I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93 and kind of thinking, well, at least I got this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There's also this feeling that we've all had. There are moments in the film where... you're meant to feel something. You're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. And I thought that is something we've all experienced where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, I'm a history buff and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happened. And then you're like, well, we're going to miss the tram if we don't get. You know, it's very weird. It's very weird. It's very weird to lay the two on each other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And here we are, 70 years later, on a train with really cushy seats, eating this fancy meal in first class. This isn't right. And he goes storming off to go to another class. And one of the characters yells out, it's not gonna be that much worse than there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
To me, the beauty of the film is when you can kind of dance on a knife's edge between the darkness, but also the humanity that is people are imperfect. We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel. There's always someone in the room who, if you say, oh my God, I just bit into this sandwich and it's got mold all over it. This is terrible. Oh yeah? Well, guess what? Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Some people never got to have a sandwich and they're dead. And so you can't always pull it. No, I still want the good sandwich. I don't want mold on my sandwich. I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago, but God damn it, I want the good one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Not that that's a good feeling to have. Well, I had a similar experience. You know, your movie is about, because this is based on something you've done. You and your wife, your family have taken trips. Poland is very important to you. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, seriously. And then all these years later, I look at it and I'm like…
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Man, you're chalking up the points left and right. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But it'd be so cool to have it. Yeah, I can. I have some envy here because I my. I'm 100% Irish. Right. But the rule is your, I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's this nice little feeling. I want to break that ornament. I know you do. I need to smash it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's my great-grandfather, so I do not qualify. But I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport? Yeah. Because I could flee if there was an issue. Sure. Yeah, and I could escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes. Okay. Don't go anywhere.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show, this travel show we did for Max. And I'm shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was one part where this woman took me to the actual plot of land that my great-grandfather lived on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I get there and I'm looking at this beautiful view, gorgeous view of the Galbally Mountains and like the ice in my heart started to melt a bit. Really? Yeah, I did. I felt very, and I said to her, I said, God, look at this view. And this is where he lives. She said, yeah, they lived in a, the shack is gone now, but this is where they lived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I've looked at the records and it would have been basically a one, one or two rooms and they lived here and I'm looking at it and feeling very emotional and I said, well, this is so beautiful here because it was absolutely gorgeous. It was like an Irish spring ad, you know, it was just a gorgeous, you know, leprechaun Ireland in mountains in the distance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, throw the Zach Braff Donald Faison ornament at it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And foolishly, I said to the woman, why did they... Why did he leave? Yeah. You know, and she said, because you can't eat the view. Oh, my God. And it was. There's the tagline for Ireland. I know. But, I mean, it was very powerful. Yeah. They had, there was not enough food. They didn't, you know, and she's just like, yeah, there are good, that's beautiful mountains.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You can't eat the feckin' mountains. They had to go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
That's amazing. Ha! Why you can't see South African mountains, can you? And then there was a burst of smoke and she turned into a bat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
smashing it uh but yeah so i mean i get sentimental i'm i pretend i work really hard at not being sentimental but i'm very sentimental you like to play the scrooge and i like to try to but then i'm a i'm a total mush about christmas time here's a big divisive thing where do you guys fall on tinsel on a christmas tree tinsel can go fuck itself you know what you've chosen a side yeah i'm i'm
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
view yes I was thinking that man would have looked at this he had to go I also knew very sad things about him he he back then there was no going back there was no writing to people there was no I mean a lot of people left they went to America my people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and starting in but this relative of mine who left struggled with alcoholism and it was a real problem for him and
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And just when people have said to me, oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland? Well, no, there was no keeping in touch with anybody. They just went, you know, it was very dark. It was a very, and so anyway, your story, your movie had some resonance for me as it would for, I mean, I think so many people, so many of us are, Immigrants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
We're all immigrants and it's much discussed in the news now, but all of us have moved on and all of us have come here and we're all curious about where we came from and it does sneak up on you. It gets emotional in a strange way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's the house that I've seen in the movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Mountains made of meatballs. Yeah. A pastrami volcano. Come to Poland. A view you can eat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm not a tinsel person. Growing up, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. It just looks like shredded aluminum to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Um, well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion because that's not how it's supposed to work. That's true. And, um, this is reminding me, uh, I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated. I, you know, have a real wanderlust and I... I loved my talk show days, but I was always very jealous when someone like you would sit down next to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And next, you know, Jesse Eisenberg. Jesse, how are you? Well, I'm good. I just got back from Budapest where I was with it. And I would think, I've never been there. And I have to be in this seat I get to. I loved it. So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries, and one of the countries that we went to was Armenia, and Sona came with me. And we were...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and silly things. And you and I are dressing up as shepherds and we're in fields and we're wearing, you know, so we were shooting all this stuff. And then we went to...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
The genocide memorial. And suddenly, I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, this will be fun, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey, why am I feeling these feelings? What is this water coming out of my face? But we went there and it was, well, you take over.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Also, I always have... I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I'm so lucky to be here. Of course. That's the feeling I have. Of course.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, but it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit. I try to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree. I say, look what I got you, honey. It's a shit bow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yes. I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where we're in this business. We're extremely fortunate. And the thing that really angers me is when people act entitled. It makes me insane, except when I do it. Yeah, of course. But no, I get very angry at entitlement.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I profoundly understand that I'm here because a lot of people, this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said, I gotta go. and walked out of that town, made it to central Massachusetts. And there's all these other people that come after that, that don't get one, one billionth of my opportunities. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then I'm here and standing on millions of shoulders, you know? And so that's the feeling I have. And I do think without getting overtly political, people forget that. People think I'm here because I made this happen. Of course. No, I didn't. I've made some things happen in my life. Right, but in the context of opportunity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
In the context of amazing opportunities that everyone else provided for me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Okay, all right. Eisenberg! Okay, I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent, but I did what I had to do. But no, it's like, it's such a, you know, going back to this film you made is about a lot. It's interesting. It's a very lovely film that's a very, and it sounds crazy, it's very enjoyable
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
to watch, it's a really good movie and it's beautifully scored and it's beautifully directed and you guys are terrific actors and it's got so much lightness in it and it's got, obviously it has some heaviness in it as well, but it's about so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's not overt in that way, but it's just, it's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have, this is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way. Oh, that's so nice. And I'm an unfeeling man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Why do I invite you back? I don't understand. I think I like the punishment, don't you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I saw on our Amex bill a $200,000 charge for, it said, Eisenberg therapy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, listen, I... Congratulations on A Real Pain. And this is not just me. Everybody is talking about this film, and I know it's awards season, but people are abuzz about this film, and rightly so. And congratulations. And also just, you know, I'm very proud to know you. I'm so sorry. No, I really do. I'm proud to know you. You have a lot of character, and I know you're tough on yourself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a card that says, ha ha, this is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card... And the dog and it all stays kind of together. It's fantastic. It's such a good prank. Yeah. Anyway. Happy holidays. Aren't you glad you listened? Hey, Merry Christmas, you two. Merry Christmas. Hey, you too. And happy holidays.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And you're a real human being, which doesn't always happen in this town. And so just a joy to have you here. Thank you so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, we're going to edit all this out. Okay. We're going to add it. Once you leave, I stay for an hour, and it's just Eisenberg zingers. Got it, got it, got it. And then we tape in you going, aww. Well, I can't keep up. I can't keep up with Conan. And I'm like, yeah, another thing, Eisenberg. Zing, zing, zing, zing, zing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
How did he know? He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Hey, why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, I made this movie. It's called Real Pain. I go back to, I go to Poland, you see.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Man, Conan, you're the funniest, funniest character I've ever met. And I swear to God, I've met them all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
My people, we had to, you know, had to leave. We're in a shtetl. You got any borscht on you? I like a borscht. Mr. Smith goes to cross the stove. God bless you. You too. Jesse Eisenberg, man. Thanks a lot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, no. No, I was just curious. I was just curious who they got after I turned them down. And then I turned them down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, they called me and I was like, well, I can't do it. And then Gorley was like, no, thanks. Which was really rude. No, thanks. I had a legitimate excuse. So this is exciting. What happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
So these are non-Armenians coming to an Armenian festival. Yes. Yes. And see, what did I tell you long ago? I have no idea. We unify people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, then what the fuck did you bring her up for? What's wrong with her? If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, no, they didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival. No, they didn't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Wow. I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fan fiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails. So he's writing fictitious things that happened to me. You're leaving out a major descriptor. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I am an erotic character. Neurotic. You're thinking neurotic. Oh, aren't they the same? Yeah. I think I exude a sexuality.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, that's taking it too far. All inclusive. Oh. Well, just everyone. I just want everyone to have a good holiday. Be they Christian, be they not. Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses and cash right now or anything? Oh, I could Venmo you. Okay. And Sona will probably tell you I know exactly how to Venmo people. That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
See, this guy gets me. His name is Dean. Yes. Okay. Let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy because it's trapped. It is. I guess. You're right. You're right. So when you say like, I never think of you as you're so repressed. Yes. Yes. A volcano just before it blows. Yes. shooting its hot lava. Oh, gross. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Uh-oh, now I'm thinking I know what Gorley's up to because he's looking at his phone. Yeah. And he's either, either there's a 1940s hat sale in the area. My erotic fixation. Oh, wow. Hamburg, yeah. Um,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You said... You thought he jizzed on... No, no, you're going down an awful road.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
First of all, this is not fiction. I remember Lily. LAUGHTER
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Wait, wait, wait. Don't read the text. So you can click on any of these and it will lead to something about me in that scenario or no?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
A bunch of things here. I am married. Her name's not Natasha. And I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite. Nor what I... The Afflecks are always in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Says the guy who calls his wife when she's in New York and I'm in L.A. and goes, can you Uber Eats me some of the chicken salad? Are you serious? I got better, but there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry. It was new technology for a very old man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This might be one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Oh. Maybe went too far.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I shot a dominatrix segment in Berlin and I'm still in pain from it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, these are just the beginning. You're leading just the... These are just the...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It is too late. It's way too late. It should be called Way Too Late. Their hips clicked as they entwined. My skin hurts, said Conan. What was that? Said his sexual partner. I can't hear you because of my oldness. Ow, it hurts. Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Sona is giggling away uncontrollably. I don't know what's happening. Sona Massessi, and I see, of course, Matt Gorley. Hi. The whole gang's here, and feeling the holiday vibe. Are you feeling it? Oh, I love Christmas. You do? I truly do. You're a Christmas guy? I am, yeah. What do you, I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hold on. This is getting good. But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being. Because I've been ignored too long in that category. And that's just what a sexual person would say. For far too long, my sexuality has not been seen, said the dynamo, the lothario.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Can I just say one thing? You have to stop now. Can I say one thing? I always pause at the clavicle. Do you? That's your move? That's your signature move? My signature move is the clavicle pause.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm not going to read. I know. You have to stop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. I'm stopping you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This stuff is... Well, then stop. You keep doom scrolling through it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents and I'd be like, um, I really like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you just get it. It's, you know, you know, it's on, what is it called? Chomp, chomp, chomp.net? That's it. Chomp.net. Chomp.net? Throw a couple my way and I'll tell you which one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Can you guys just be quiet? I'm trying to read. Okay. I'm going to end the segment. Yes. But I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian Ma Ma Ma event.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, it sounds like these people really care about your culture. Sona's there. We can read her our smut. Well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans. Put that down. Put the phone down. I want to hear the phone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Grubhub. DoorDash. DoorDash. Postmates. Postmates. Okay. Postmates. There it is. I'd say, hey, honey, I like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, well, I'm in Thailand right now at a meeting. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah. And I'm asleep. Yeah, yeah. I like that turkey burger. Can you get it on chompchomp.gov? And she'd say, do you mean Postmates? And I'd go, yeah. Just send it over to the house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You were young, a young fellow. That's right. This is back when I had a steam powered computer. We had to wait for it to heat up to work. That's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You have a piece of paper. You go like, I got the research notes. And I say, what? And you'd say permission to come aboard. And I go, permission denied. Now, I think that's quality leadership. Yeah. Anyway, shit bow. That's the way to go this Christmas. Get your dog to eat a bow. And then give that to someone as a present. Shit bow. Coming soon to a theater near you. Theater? No, it's not a movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You just slid the wrap at me. It's a wrap sign that you slid to me a second time and I just keep ignoring it. That's what I'd do if I was a teller and someone slid a piece of paper that said this is a robbery. I'd say, yeah, and another thing. Shit bow. And then they'd slide it again. This is a robbery.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Triple wrap that shit. Get your dog to eat some tinsel and you've got some shiny shit. Look, we've got families we've got to get home to for Christmas. And I'm trying to rob a bank. Happy holidays, everyone. Christmas. Or whatever. Yeah. All right, you guys, let's get serious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey, guys, quit screwing around. And so enough with the poo-poo jokes. My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as The Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed, and it's fantastic. I watched it, and I love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm very excited he's here today. I'm a big fan of this gentleman. Jesse Eisenberg, welcome. I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago. You did The Squid and the Whale. I think it was the first time I met you. Yeah. You must have been... How old were you then? I was 21. 21 years old. I just adored you immediately, I think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Do you have lots of stuff you put out, little holiday trinkets? I think so, yeah. What do you mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then I've mentioned this before, but several days later, one of the loveliest handwritten notes I've ever received showed up. I've mentioned this last time. But... And I thought there's something different about this person. He's oozing with like character and gentility in this kind of old world way. And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I'm just so happy for you. Thank you so much. And I feel like, To pat myself on the back, I feel like I called it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This isn't about, this is what I'm really good at, pretending it's about, you know, Jesse. Right. But then it's about me. Okay. I called it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I am. I'm a sentimental old sap about Christmas. I really am. Yeah. Are you, Sona?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, but like, you know, it's even sicker. My immediate thought is he saw the real me. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, it means a lot to me. And and you've gone on and I'll I'll mention this up front and we'll we'll talk. There's so much I want to talk about. And we're going to get to this film you made you. I mean, let's let's take it off you. wrote, directed, you co-star in it with Kieran Culkin and this extraordinary cast. You made this film and it's absolutely beautiful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's got people ranting and raving in a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had people ranting and raving in not a good way. It's called A Real Pain and we'll talk about that. But what was special for me was to watch this movie and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist. You've made this beautiful thing with such aplomb and it will endure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
First of all, I know you celebrate it a little later on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note and I had that nice first meeting with you. And then here you are all these years later and you're doing extraordinary work and I'm just so happy for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No. It's funny. Occasionally. Yeah. I, you know, Stalin did a lot of bad stuff. Right. No, no, no. No. No, but sometimes I'd be like, come on, you can do it, Stalin. You can turn this around. And you were really young at the time. I was very, I'm older than people think. Sure. I was born in 1911. Do the math. No, I can separate. There are people who do excellent work and are not good people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I do believe in separating the two. You are a man who's, I think, has real character and you do exceptional work. I like it when the two come together, but they don't have to. Got it. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And there are how many artists can you see, you know, whose work is hanging on the wall and you later learn, or amazing athletes who were absolutely deplorable human beings. But I still applaud their athleticism.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, Stalin's been dead a long time and I still talk him up. I think he could still get me. He could still get me. It's funny. We probably have a few things in common. I grew up with my share of anxiety. and hated going to school.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I didn't want to leave my house, but I still to this day can remember the carpool ride from my house on Kennard Road to the Michael Driscoll School, every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet. Like just filled with that kind of, like your mouth tastes like aluminum. You have so much anxiety. And I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably... contributed some things to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I know that you have this struggle too. Yeah. I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that. You'd have been, and I don't trust them. It's like Dumbo's feather. I think I needed that. I don't know where you come down on all this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I don't want to be that house. You don't know the house that has. They have a thing now. I saw an ad where they project. You can put little projectors that project like candy canes, snowflakes and snowflakes and little Santas and reindeer. And they crisscross your entire house. And I think I would go insane. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, but... More and more, I think I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I think about you and your anxiety and you are not the typical, hey, put that light on me. Right, exactly. Because I'm ready to shine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But something pushed this young, anxious kid. I mean, I know that you were so anxious as a child getting on the bus to go to school. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm trying to do the math and I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle. Oh no, it could, yeah, I could see leap down into the transmission.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
None would come to the mind of a Jeff Goldblum. None like this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So you had a dream the night before coming here about doing a long podcast with a red-haired celebrity, Ron Howard, and Diane Keaton, a.k.a. Sona Movsesian. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Now listen. Wow. Don't lose that sheet of paper. Okay. Okay? We can't have that lost to time. Okay. We need to frame that. Yeah, that is, you know, here's what I'll say about you, Jeff. I never know what you're going to say. I never know what you're going to do. You are feral. You are a man that runs on instinct. You don't, and you're very much, I think, attuned.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You should see the faces he's making right now. You're very much attuned to the universe. And I feel like you are constantly in the now. Is this correct?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, I don't think I have at all. I don't know what you're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
What do you think of that? My mother-in-law, a lovely woman and very smart woman, is a therapist. Liza's mom. Yeah, Liza's mom, and she believes that all dreams have meaning. If you have a dream and you tell her, you know, she starts to pick it apart. I'm often having dreams that I defy anyone to make sense of because it just seems like random mush. It really does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then I realized that most of my life I'm speaking in random mush. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, no, there are nocturnal discharges. That's a separate category. Yes, yes. Yeah. Well, there are. There just frankly are. I know there are. What's that? I just don't know when to bring them up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, no. I wasn't going to bring them up. I was just going to say it's a common term, nocturnal discharge. And I wanted to make sure that people didn't misunderstand what Jeff was saying, that you are separating the two.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I'm allowed to, I, as the host of the show, I'm allowed to make up the final laws on all pronunciations. Really? But please, continue-ay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Don't be afraid of being reballed. We are all adults here. And I will say this is a safe space. Yeah. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, that seems young is all I'm gonna say. Really? Yes. What? I was 37 for me for the first time. Oh, God. Yes. Congratulations. So awkward. No, no, I was really watching them wrap up Seinfeld and I just, it happened. I'm sorry. Late bloomer I am. You know, you have... Speak like Yoda. Yeah, I know. Late bloomer I am.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
When I was a kid in camp, we used to, they taught us these old songs from the 50s as we trudged up the Appalachian Mountains. And we had to sing, Comet, it makes your teeth turn green. Comet. It tastes like Vaseline Comet. Make you vomit, so drink your Comet and vomit today. And then it'd be like, again!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know what I think is something that makes me very happy is that none of our comedy was ever really about anything. No, that's for sure. So you can see something from 25 years ago and it doesn't relate to any specific topical thing in the news. And other than the fact that my head hasn't rotted yet in those clips. Yeah. People can laugh at them all over again, which makes me happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Uh-oh, you put on your specs. He's examining your rotting head. Are you examining my rotting head?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, please, you can tell that this, I have one of those Irish heads that bloats as it gets older. You've said, I know. No, this is true. You know, you leave a gourd in the sun long enough, and then winter comes, and you have yourself a Conan. That's what happens over time. But you, I will say this, I love talking to you because you're staring at me and you're examining every- I like your glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Now, I will admit freely that my style guru and my lifestyle guru- is Mr. Jeff Goldblum. How can it not be? And I'll tell you why. He is a tall, good looking drink of water. And whenever he's wearing something, I think, well, wait a minute, we have somewhat similar. Well, hold on. Okay. Sona's about to really correct me. Let's say Jeff had been in an accident at some point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Then Jeff and I would be very similar. That's all I'm saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I'm not talking about the vibes. I'm talking just about when he is a tall man and he knows how to dress. Right. And I love, so during commercial breaks, Often, often when he was on the show, people always wonder, what do you talk about with people? I can always tell you what I'm talking about with Jeff. Yeah. In a commercial break.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I go right to, oh my God, that those shoes and you know, I have large feet and you have large feet. And he'll say, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my, oh my boy. Oh, oh yes. And then, so I remembered once you came out and you were wearing these wonderful glasses that you really carried off well. And I said, I must wear those glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I asked you and you acted as if you were telling me where the secret ring was that would unlock the universe. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my boy. Oh, yes, yes. Jacques, Jacques-Marie, what is it? Limoges? Limoges. Jacques-Marie Limoges, yeah. Jacques-Marie Limoges. Oh, and he said, oh, my boy, I'll call ahead. I'll call ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then you described going downtown and there's a secret knock and a corridor and a passageway. And sure enough- They're the greatest glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I mean, I have done this several times. You once, we were doing something together that was not my project and not your project. We were recording something together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I do. And you walked in and I always couldn't, I could never find jeans. I have a very unusual build, I'll say. And... Oh, come on. Anyway. What the sound? Sorry. What's your inseam?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And we would do it again, and I'd climb the presidential mountain range just singing that song, not knowing what it was, how it, why?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, I was afraid, I was afraid to go, I have a very, I have a long inseam, and so I- That's long. So anyway, I see this gentleman come in, and he's wearing these amazing jeans, and I said, oh my God, Jeff, where'd you get those jeans? He went, oh, well, oh my boy. Oh my boy. He said, oh my boy. Oh good, oh, and he went, oh, oh my boy, you simply must, oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then you said, and then you said, and then you said, I'll never forget, you said, The Schaefer Garment Hotel. That's right. What? And it's this place. Yeah, Robert Schaefer. Yeah, he's like, oh, the Schaefer Garment Hotel. And I go there, and you said, just go, just go. So I go, and of course, it's the coolest people in the world, and they have like an old denim machine. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes, yes, it is. It's the John Wick Hotel, except just for jeans. Oh my.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, there's a guy there wearing like Slash's hat, and he's like, I'll make you one of these. And I went, well, I don't know if I can carry that off. There's a dog that's in the store.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think I, I mean, I've told this before, but I met him once. Oh. I got pushed to the front of the, I was, I went to see some concert of his and I was backstage and someone pushed me to the front of a line and there he was, the great Bob Dylan. And it's my one chance to meet him. And he, all this conversation stopped and Bob Dylan looked at me and he went, I know you from the TV. It's true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's true. The TV. He said, I know you from the TV. And just then, the other person backstage was Vice President Al Gore. And so all I hear is, I know you from the TV. And then I heard, Conan. Conan, it's me, Hal Gore. And I'm like, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I go, what? We're all there for a concert to see Bob Dylan perform. And he goes like, I love rock and roll.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I was cock blocked. with Bob Dylan by Vice President Al Gore. That's a true story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, and then, trust me, I wanted to detach Gore's tongue from his body to get him to stop yapping at me. No, I'm sorry. All due respect to the former Vice President and, of course, a leading figure in climate prevention change.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. He does this to me. Jeff Goldblum does this to me. You're not wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
When I'm around you, oh, look at him take a sip. Everything he does is perfection. You just want to take a sip and it's like there's a golden liquid in there, but I know it's just something. Okay, looks like ginger ale or rum, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know, you know our deepest, darkest foibles. I know everything, everything. I have to say, Jeff, you know, we really are an awful lot. You can do better than us, Jeff. You know what, you can sip any day because everything you, listen, listen, listen, listen. Oh my God, that is Jeff Goldblum sipping. Oh my God, you're the best. You know what's interesting to me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes, I suppose. Now, where does that song come from? Because you've confused us once again.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
There's a sensuality that you exude about, see even with the smallest gestures, a sensuality. And then I find that I'm quite comfortable in my sexuality, but I find that when I'm around you, I'm open for anything. I really am. I am, I'm just saying that. I feel the same. And Matt is as well, we're just up for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know how uptight I am, right? Yes, that's why I'm surprised. But if Jeff Goldblum said, oh, come with me into this special sanctum and I want you to introduce me to, introduce you to my secret friends and it's gonna be, but first you must apply this wax and oil I would do it. I would do it because he's that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And Bob Dylan and Al Gore. And Bob Dylan's going to see me and go, I know you from the TV.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then I'm just about to get it on with Bob Dylan when I get to hear, Conan, Conan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
What? I don't know. With microphones.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, I have been in a sex panic myself. See, that's the problem. That's why I envy you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't think Jeff would ever be in a sex panic. Jeff Goldblum would never be in a sex panic. I am in a constant, even when there's nothing sexual happening, I'm in a sex panic. I'm constantly in my own head.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, can I say something? And this is to be, because I know a lot about Johnny Cash. I revere him. He sent in a lot of unsolicited songs. He was constantly sending in like Prel Shampoo, Alpo Dog Food. What? Yeah, he was constantly sending in I've Got a Different Way You Could Go with that song, Purina Cat Chow, Chow Chow Chow. I can't even. Not true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know the best part? of waking up. No, stop it. He slipped it in your cup. No. Johnny Cash first sent it in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He did the Oscar Mayer song. That was really good. Duh. My baloney has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R. My baloney has a second name. Oh, and you know what? I mean. No, no, no. Wasn't the, wasn't the astronaut. You know what the sad? No, no, no. Last thing he did before he passed away was the car for kids jingle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Just so you know, to be fair, that most jingles that you love were written by Johnny Cash. That's true. Unsolicited. He would just send them in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Is he your favorite Bond of all time? I'm going to say, for me, it's Sean Connery, but Daniel Craig is right there with him, and I thought no one could do that. I thought no one could. Sean Connery was so incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know, this is right up your alley. This is, I'll tell you, Matt Gourley is a Bond fanatic and a huge Jeff Goldblum fan. Now he's in a room, they've both come together, and he's having a nocturnal emissions.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Why don't you turn my podcast into a kooky trivia show? I love it. That's what you've done. I love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's becoming more Elvis than Johnny Cash.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, you are a terrific jazz musician, and I'm bringing this up for a reason. I think... To understand Jeff Goldblum, which is impossible, but to really understand what makes this man tick, I think is your love of jazz. You are constantly improvising in the moment and tuned into that crazy galaxy that real jazz musicians are tuned into.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And a good friend of mine just went and saw you perform the other night and said that you were fantastic. Really?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
But what I'm saying is, am I correct that there's something about music, I just feel like you're in tune with some jazz musical score all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, Jeff, they don't often take. That's the problem. I am... I don't wear well over time. That's one of the problems.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Can I say something? You must. I'm always so self-conscious that I put trills and foolishness in there, and I never just sing. You just sang, and I loved it. Yes. Oh. Silent night. No, he's going to do a thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Holy night. All is calm. No, it's doing it again, right? All is bright.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's that? Oh, yeah. How's that go? It goes, never could be happy in the city at night. That's beautiful. Yeah. Can't see the stars for the neon lights. Beautiful. Sidewalk's dirty and the river's worse. Underground trains all run in reverse. Nobody here can dance like me. Everybody claps on the one and the three. Am I the last of my kind? Am I the last of my kind?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know. But can I tell you something? Can I tell you something, Jeff? I couldn't. And I'm supposed to. And I want to write a song with Amy Mann.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I adore Amy Mann. And I'm intimidated by Amy Mann's talent. But we promised to write a song together. And then the last thing she said to me, I said, yeah, I'll do it. And she said, you know, it's just got to be something like sincere and something that you really want to say. And I was like, oh. Yeah. Oh, that's not going to happen. You could do it. No, I can't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right, testing, testing, one, two, three, testing, testing, bumblebee, testing, testing, all day long we sing the testing, testing song. Three, two, one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Sona, will you tell them please take over?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
That's, well, that's very nice. I'm curious about something because we have so much in common, not just our incredible height and physiques, and not just our successful, incredibly successful careers, both of us, as actors, My point is that we both, and you mentioned this earlier, both of us, both of our fathers, doctors. Yes, right. And I don't know, there's this couple of similarities there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I'm fascinated by this idea that sometimes a salmon just knows it has to swim upstream. I don't know why, but somehow you knew when you were a kid that you needed to be an actor. You needed to be a performer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know, ask Michelangelo. Here we go. Three, two, three. There it is. The Ninja Turtle. Yeah, that's who I meant. Okay. The best of the Ninja Turtles. Three, two, one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. And he got to see you become Jeff Goldblum, the big deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that gives and gives until it can't give no more.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Okay, and I was going to bring this up, that the first time we met- I was, TV was our life preserver when we were kids. And my brothers, Neil and Luke and I were really into what's the new show? What's the new show? And we're constantly looking for what's the new show gonna be? It was a big deal back then. Now people are bombarded with TV and streaming all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Back in the late 70s, early 80s, there was a big deal like ABC is coming out with its lineup in the fall and all summer you'd be excited. You'd hear rumors about what it was gonna be and CBS is coming out with this and NBC is coming out with that. And there was this show that we heard about called 10 Speed and Brown Shoe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And my brothers and I watched it and it starred Ben Vereen and this guy I'd never heard of before named Jeff Goldblum. And it was fucking fantastic. It was so good. And I was like, who is that guy? Who's that guy? That guy's fantastic. And then the show didn't last.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Please don't ask me to sing that one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Walking on air. So I, you know, but it's funny that we all have, it's so funny that you bring that up, Matt, because that is the first time that I met Jeff Goldblum. I'm using your full name just out of reverence. You know, it would have been a couple of years into the late night show that I met you and you've, you know, you've done, I mean, everything. You'd have been in so many great movies.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think it's spreading disease. We should stop. It's spreading disease. This is a fantastic episode. I never say that up front, but we know for a fact because we bring to you today the amazing Jeff Goldblum, a force of nature. A star, and I don't mean a star in the sense of a Hollywood star, he certainly is that, but he is a celestial event in my opinion. He really is, yeah. He really is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I remember, you know, it's so funny when you think about these brushes with show business. As we said earlier, I was so far removed from, you know, show business in my childhood. And then I'll never forget, my father came home one day and he said, they're shooting a movie at my hospital, the Peter Brent Brigham Hospital, which is now Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. It's a big hospital.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And he said, they're shooting a scene right outside my office. And we were like, they're shooting a movie in Boston? Near my dad's, like right outside my dad's office? That's impossible. That can't be. And so we rushed over there and it was a scene where actor James Coburn just has to walk out and open a car door and get in it and shut the door. And he walked out, they go, and action.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And so James Coburn walks up and he walks up to the car and it won't open and it won't open and they go, cut. The car has been, someone had locked it with the keys inside. So then we watched James Coburn just stand there while three, like seven guys crowd around and start with a coat hanger trying to open the door. And I got to find out the name of this movie, because I guess you can watch it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This would have been like 1971 or 72. We could look that up. We could find out. And trying to lift up the door and they couldn't get it. And I thought, this is movie making?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This was kind of almost a takeoff on James Bond, but not really. I mean, it was very silly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
What is the James Coburn movie? I've got to find out. I'll bet. Let me guess.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
We had, you know what I love, in the tradition of, just to let people know that we did our best during my late night run to keep the madness going. You talked about how people would just do strange things. One of the stranger things we did once was we just put out a salt lick on my show to see if we could attract a celebrity. And then you did it so nicely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So this interview that we have, I'm told, Matt, that you barely touched this one. Sometimes you do little edits and tweaks. I do. They're occasionally a guest will be on and they start to go into, you know, very inappropriate rant and we have to take it out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
out of nowhere, just Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, just in the corner, but he does it sort of like a, like a nervous deer. And he slowly approaches and I'm like, oh, it looks like, looks like Jeff Goldblum. Shh, everyone be quiet. And he came out and then he like sniffed, sniffed the salt lick and then he took a little lick. I remember that being one of my favorite. Such a stupid, I don't care.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So James Coburn played the gong with Carson. Yeah, let's see, let's see you have Jeff Goldblum. What do we got for Coburn?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So this is another fun story. My dad's there. This didn't happen when I was there. They kept shooting this right outside my dad's window, and he kept thinking, well, I could keep looking under this microscope. for a cure to a terrible disease where I could go outside and hang out with these movie folk.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So he went outside and he's chatting and he can't believe it, but Blake Edwards is there with his wife, Julie Andrews. And a friend of my dad's who doesn't know much, because he's always looking in a microscope, is talking to Blake Edwards. And then he turned to Julie Andrews and said- The friend of your dad's? The friend of my dad's and said, now tell me, Miss, what do you do? Oh, no. Oh, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And she said, well, I'm, you know, an actress as well. And he went, well. And then later on, people told him what he did. And the guy, I think, put his head in a cyclotron.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And you know what? Oh my God. Sound of music, sound of music. I'm kidding.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, when the Thanksgiving Day Parade, when I lived in New York, we lived on the Upper West Side and my kids were crazy about seeing the parade go by. And so I'd always take them. They were little kids to see the parade. And once I'm watching on the television and we haven't gone down yet and the parade is going by. And then they said, and here comes Julie Andrews. I lost my fucking mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
At the time, I'm whatever, I'm a 46 year old man. I ran without my kids. And I ran all the way down. They were like, where are you going? And I ran because I wanted to get down there fast. And I saw her go by and I was like, it's Julie Andrews. And I've been on TV at this point, you know, whatever, 12 years. And I'm like, ah, Julie Andrews. I mean, she didn't see me, but...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh my God. Okay, so they're at such a great age. And because of COVID, they've missed out on some of these great experiences. Like going to a movie theater is so, that was the biggest thing in the world that could happen to me, was to get to go to a movie theater and see a movie. Really? Yeah. And so when I say to, you know, anyone in my family now, hey, do you want to go see a movie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And they're like, eh. I don't know. I'm like, I don't know. What are you talking about? It's because they can see anything they want at any time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Terrible name for a movie. Yeah. It is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Come one, come all, bring the family.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know what's so great about, there were all these great, they don't do it anymore, but there were these great promotional tricks that they did back in the day to get people to come see movies. And Alfred Hitchcock was a genius at this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. Well, again, so not Michelangelo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So when Psycho came out, he had like ambulances outside the theaters and he very much publicized, we're gonna have medical personnel available for people who faint or have seizures during this terrifying movie. And people went mad for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, do not be late. Won't let you in after the first one. Yeah, yeah, we won't let you in. Do not tell your friends what happens. Yes, exactly. And he did all that stuff. He did it with the Byrds. He did, he had all these great, I mean, what a great showman he was in addition to being, you know, this incredible author.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, I thought you said, oh, okay. I thought you meant you had a crush on a girl in the movie. No, not in the movie. Those were fellas. They just had long hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Because he also worked on the Sistine Chapel. Yeah. So it must be tough technically to edit a man who's constantly making low purring sounds. You can't do it. Because how do you, you can't do an edit. I speak and then I stop and there's nothing. But Jeff Goldblum, even when he's not speaking,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Have you ever kept up with Stephanie Ignatz?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Here she is. A little bit. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Okay, okay, you saw her, but she didn't see you. You followed her from a distance. Oh, no, no, not like that. They saw each other. Oh, okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, I'm making it clear. What I do is I look them up, and then I just peer at them through shrubbery from 50 yards away. Oh, my God. When I say, oh, I saw her, that's what I mean.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes. You, I mean, God, you nailed that character so much. And now you're coming back and you're assembling with the same people to bring these people back to life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So it's great. Give me a think about, I mean, this is something that I think would be worthwhile for you to settle with for a second, is that movies were such a big deal for you growing up. Mm-hmm. You've now been in a bunch of movies. And you think about Jurassic Park. So many young people, that was an eye-opening experience for them. And you were a big part of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's interesting how the loop closes in a strange way, isn't it? It's fascinating.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I have to say that that is something – and I brought this up before. But also I've had a dreamy life and getting the chance to just – to me, getting to interact with someone I saw on a movie screen or a television set when I was a child, nothing tops that. And there are all these – massive stars that come along later on in life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And it doesn't have the same effect as meeting someone like a Dick Van Dyke or meeting someone who was in a movie and a huge deal when you were a kid, like a Jerry Lewis, or seeing a Julie Andrews on a parade float go by. And even though she's 50 yards away, I can't believe that That, oh, wait, I saw you there as a child, and now you're still here. Life is magic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh my God. It's too bad Bill Hader isn't here because he does, Bill Hader does the best Vincent Price of all. And he'd be going, you know, I don't do it, but he'd be here doing Vincent Price at a Ralph's. We should remind him of that. Yeah. No, we should do, we will be seeing him soon. We should remind him of that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Cause Vincent Price at a Ralph's and I used to, you know, when I first moved out here to LA a long time ago in 1988, my brother Neil came out and visited me and there was a Ralph's across the street and he kept seeing all these huge stars. He saw Cesar Romero, the Joker. And he'd come back and he'd go, I saw him. And I'm like, what is he? He was buying dog food at Ralph's.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He was always going to Ralph's and he would hang out there and he would go right up to them and go, I loved you as the Joker. Or I saw Harry Morgan from MASH. Harry Morgan. And then he would always tell me what they were buying. He was buying a giant thing of beans. You know what I'm saying? It always never matched. Like, I saw Cher. What was she getting? Industrial strength toilet cleaner. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
In Christmas Story. In Christmas Story, he's the dad. Oh, yeah. But he's also one of the great, he's also in The Natural. Obviously he's one of the villains in The Natural. He's got one fun guy in there. But he did, I think maybe my favorite show as a kid was, he played Carl Kolchak in The Night Stalker, which was the scariest show on television. It only ran, I mean, maybe it ran two seasons.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I love that you called it, first of all, sexual grumbling, which made it sound like a grumpy... who's in a sexual mood, you know? I don't even know how that sounds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
If that, it was not a success. but it was such a scary show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Coming out June 10th. You brought it up. That's your promo. I love that you went, so anyway, I'm back in this movie and well, da-da-da-da-da. June 10th, you brought it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It would be kind of meta, but I'd do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's a teenager who then turns into a teenager who's just slightly older.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He turns into a 16-year-old. Oh, okay. He's a 15-year-old and he goes in a corner and he's like, no! And then he comes out and he's a 16-year-old. He can legally drive, but doesn't know how to. Yeah, he can legally drive, but he can't. But he has the same amount of acne.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think it's a great movie and I've got the rights.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's kids today. I didn't have so much to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's heartbreaking. I'm crying hearing about it. You're mentioning a bunch of movies that had a huge impact that I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I didn't say I didn't like it. I just have the Hitchcock films. What's your favorite Hitchcock? Wow, it's got to be Psycho. And I also like Strangers on a Train.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You can't just say a name twice and have it have more impact. Yes, you can. Farley Granger. Farley Granger. Farley Granger. I think he's proven that he can. It would be great if you, I think you'd be a great prosecuting attorney because you'd say, you know, the killer is of course, Steve Miller. Steve Miller. And people would be like, well, he's got to be guilty. He said his name twice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know what that means, but I'm, yeah, there's not much to say. When you have Jeff Goldblum and you've managed to capture a Jeff Goldblum in the wild and you get it to talk, It's an event. It's a real event.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Steve Miller from the band? Yeah. Well, I just threw a name out there. What's a common name? He's not suspicious in any way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
She was on our show in the early years, and I loved her because I knew her mostly from Poseidon Adventure. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
She, yeah, she was one of those people, there's a, it all depends on when you get into show business. And I, you know, you need to get in at the, I missed, you know, I shouldn't say that. I got to meet all these amazing people who then passed away. It makes me sound like a killer. I met them and then they were gone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
But before that, but I will say that, you know, there are all these great stars that passed away, you know, before I came along in 93. And you think of, you know, all the great, so many great stars from the, she had not passed away, but refused to take my calls. Elizabeth Taylor. Wisely, very wisely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
The prisoner says, Patch of Blue, and he goes, ah! Okay, you can go. You're the first.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh my God, that is the ultimate experience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Wow. I just, those, I mean, I live for those experiences. I live for the idea that you would see an iconic star in a restaurant and you would end up hanging out with them. You know, someone you grew up watching on TV. I was at some restaurant once and Warren Beatty was at another table.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And the next thing you know, I got invited over and I'm sitting with Warren Beatty and he's, I mean, Bonnie and Clyde was such a huge deal to me. I saw it first run with my friend. Yeah. And then I'm sitting there with him and I just can't believe it. I'm supposed to play it cool. But then you can't because it's too big a moment. Just too big.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I saw the Rockettes, but I was 50 yards away. I was in shrubbery. Oh, God. Just peering out. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Up in the catwalk. Yeah. I'm the only guy that watches the Robcats from a distance. You know you can buy a ticket and be first row. No, no, no, I have my own way I like to do it. Doesn't do anything for me. Yeah, I gotta wait till all of them come out together into that field and I'll be behind those shrubs over there. What? How are you gonna get them all out here?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It really is. And you know what? When I say all Goldblum, I don't hear one complaint. No. No one's going to stop me on the street and say that was too much Goldblum. No. And set your filters, your Goldblum filters to high because you want to get all the Goldblum as it comes to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Salt lick, we'll get them out there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You lit up. Look, I have to wrap this up. No, you mustn't, I beg you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Okay, we'll do it. We all need to be rehydrated. No, I just wanna, it's... My God. I want to get the word out. Because this podcast, I'm not going to brag. You can brag. A lot of people hear this podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And so what I'm saying, that's just on Maui. Everybody listens five times.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Very successful podcast. Not for me to say. Let's not fact check that. It's 43 million. Yeah, no reason to look into it. But the point is a lot of people hear it. And so when I say Jurassic World Dominion, Jurassic World Dominion is coming out and that you are reprising your role as Dr. Ian Malcolm, that is going to pack the theaters alone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right, let's not turn this into a money thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna say it. Yeah, that's what I, that's how I felt. And as much as everyone else was spectacular, but you and one of the dinosaurs really... I can't remember which one. It was one of the velociraptors. The velociraptors. It would be great if you got everybody back except one velociraptor held out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, like, fuck it. You meet my price or I'm not showing up. Ah. Ah. That's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes. Yes. Perfection. Erotic ideal. Yep.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You have to come back because my time with you is serious. I'm going to be sincere. It's hard for me to do that. But- You're one of my favorite people. You really are. You too, man. And I just absolutely love talking to you. And it is, whenever we're together, whether it's been on the show or this podcast, it is unlike any other experience I have. And it means a lot to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes. Wait a minute. Madness. I can give you a clue. Madness. Wait a minute. Is it? Madness. Hold it. Madness. Is it Apocalypse Now? No. No. That's the horror. You're close, though. Yeah. And it has a similar. Oh, wait, it's the last family ties. No, it does. It ends with madness. Madness. I love that this is the introduction to the show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And so when I heard that... that you were going to come in and inaugurate our new studio, my head blew up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I've been screen tested and apparently it's not good. It won't be a film, but maybe an animated project. Something where my face is mostly hidden.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
They're talking about this Conan O'Brien? It's an Irish Conan O'Brien.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
There is a guy named Conrad O'Ryan now. in Dublin, who's huge. And he's really cracked the code.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, they were just saying, you seem kind of girly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, trust me. We saw you walking down the street and it was girly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I see them multiple times. No, no, and it's all true. That's the one thing. I've been in the darkest regions, darkest, most remote corners of the world and people will literally come out from behind the rock and say, Schlansky, is he being real? And I'll go, yes, he's being real. And then they go back under the rock.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, my God. Well, anyway. You know what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Mr. Goldblum, Mr. Jeff Goldblum, you're the finest man that ever lived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
We have to just take a second here and wallow in the joyousness of Jeff Goldblum. And we never do this. We talk to the guests, then we move on with matters. But Jeff Goldblum came in here. He is just an energy field. He is calming, but also enervating at the same time. He is... You know, he electrifies, solidifies, there's no compromise. I have real nice thighs. No, no, he's incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He does it. He's one of my, I got to say, and I was really looking forward to seeing him today and then to see how happy he was to see you, Matt Gourley, and you, Sonam Ovsessi, and he knew you as people. As human beings. Yeah, and you know, a lot of celebrities, they come in and they're like, oh my God, it's Conan. It's Conan, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know, I keep trying to get them to say it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I have a cue card I hold up. I think Cato Kaelin was the only one. Cato Kaelin said it, yeah, but he was testifying. Oh boy. No, but... That's not funny. But anyway, no. Murders. Please, murder. When time passes, murders are okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I knew that I had, you know, had an orgasmic high, but I didn't know what happened. Yeah. And I think, I put it out to the listeners, listen to this Jeff Goldblum interview. And afterwards, I doubt anyone's gonna know what was said.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Let's laugh about it. Anyway, my point is that, you know, he saw me as a human being, not as some godlike creature. And he was so thrilled to see you guys as well. Oh, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Jeff, we absolutely love you. We know that he listens to the podcast. So unless he's an incredible con artist who paid someone to listen because he said, I can't listen to that crap. Oh, no, no. No, unless he paid someone to listen and take notes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
That just occurred to me. I don't know if you have friends and you have people that you podcast with and you shuttle from place to place. Podcasting with people you may not really know well on a human level, but do you have friends that come over and do the things that you like to do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, I don't know. I've never heard you reference a friend.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know. You know that I have friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Your friends are all people you saw on TV and movie when you were kids in your mind. I'm E.T. Last night I had dinner with Gumby. Gumby?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
That says a lot about him. Let me ask you a question. Ladies love that man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I understand because, you know, again, we have a similar frame.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, but what I don't understand. He said, like, not. No, I can handle it. I can handle it. Why is it that there's a fork in the road?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, but what I'm saying is that it does amaze me that he does have something that I wish I had that I don't have. Oh, me too. And I'm being completely honest. He does have an ease and he's always in the center. He's always centered. I think that's incredible to be centered like that all the time. And he's like a tuning fork that's perfectly vibrating with the universe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I feel like I'm a- You're just a fork. Yeah, like a fork that was eating clams, but someone didn't wash it afterwards, and then it fell in some sand. And it's got some clam juice and sand on it. That's pretty good, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Would you say that, I mean, are there a lot of other people just sending you money besides me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Then I'm a good guy and I'm your friend. No, you can't do that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Do you get a paycheck from? Why are you pointing at me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Full disclosure. Okay, I didn't realize you were just here on a voluntary basis. No, I've seen you driving, since the podcast blew up and suddenly you're driving a Bentley. No. Yes, you're driving a Bentley on, you know, just on Hollywood Boulevard.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, and- Classic girls. Yeah, and whoa, your license plate suddenly Pod King and you're driving around. You guys have both-
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And your kids wear these like crazy satin outfits that you have handmade for them now that the podcast blew up. And so both of you have, your lives have been changed by knowing me, which means you have to like me. You have to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It should work that way. You can't buy friendship. That's not. Yes, you can. No, you can't. That's why I moved to Los Angeles. You can. No. You can. Sona and I are friends. All of my friends work for me. And I'm very comfortable with that because if any of them piss me off, I can terminate that friendship very easily.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This is interesting. I have to look more into this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, so now we're gonna rip on Joseph Stalin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Everybody gets torn down. Everybody gets torn down. Not Jeff Goldblum. And now it's Joseph Stalin. Jesus, no one's safe in this hypersensitive era. Jeff Goldblum is. He's an angel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He is, we should stick the landing on this. He is such an unusually, he's an unusual person. There's no one else quite like him. And I do have to tell you that when I, in my travels, people always bring up to me, oh my God, I love it when Jeff Goldblum is on the podcast or he's on the show. He brings an energy that immediately transforms the experience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think we all are changed by him when we're in his, he creates like a biosphere, a Jeff Goldblum biosphere that's very enjoyable. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I didn't say splooge. I didn't talk about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't, again, I have a list of all the employees. I can consult. I don't think you even know my name. I can go to Jeff Ross. I can go to Jeff Ross now. I don't need to. All I have to do is go to Jeff Ross or Adam Sachs and say, the guy with the, you know, he's kind of a hipster and he lives in Pasadena. And they'll be like, yeah, Matt Gourley. And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Anyway, tell him I wished him a happy Christmas. I got to get out of here. My helicopter's waiting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, my helicopter's waiting. That's your helicopter. God, your helicopter is ill. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, but mine is different. Mine runs on pure malice. It's very eco-friendly. It's also super pervy somehow. Wow. Mr. O'Brien, you must really hate people today. We've got 600,000 miles. I just get in it and put an electrode on my head. Who are you mad at? And it leaves a noxious cloud of just pure bad intent behind me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. Can you change that to squeegee in edit? No. So it just becomes squeegee? You guys were just squeegeeing each other. That, to me, feels erotic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right. Well, anyway, Jeff Goldblum, if you're listening right now, naked in the lotus position as you meditate, as he does every night, we love you. We do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Who's splooging around you that talks that way? That didn't at all sound like a guy who was about to ejaculate. In no way, your guy who was about to ejaculate is like, yeah, so anyway, I'm going to go get a sandwich. Oh my God, I just came. Who the fuck is that guy? You've been hanging out with Bruno the splooger? Yeah. He just has orgasms when he least expects it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Anyway, so I think what we're going to do is get a guy in here to rivet the beam. You need a good riveter, because the rivets have to be hot, too, because they've got to go into the eye beam. Oh, God! Oh, fuck!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know. This year, I think the Mets are going to go all the way. I'll tell you what it is. It's infielding. If you can keep the ball in the infield.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, fuck. I was talking about infielding. I thought I was safe. Oh, Jesus. I love this guy. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right. Well, anyway. On that note. Let's do this. Let's do this thing. Strap yourselves in. My guest today is an actor who has starred in such movies as Jurassic Park, Independence Day, and Thor Ragnarok. Now he's reprising his role as Dr. Ian Malcolm in the highly anticipated movie Jurassic World Dominion. To say I'm excited is insane because it's beyond that. Delighted, excited, orgasmic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
to chat with him today. Jeff Goldblum, welcome. Lord, I have to tell you, this is the inaugural podcast in our new studio with a genuine celebrity. We did a little messing around and testing beforehand, but you- Genuine. Genuine. You like that pronunciation? That's what I say.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So listen, I must tell you that I can't think of a better person to start this off with than you. You know that you and I have something. A certain frisson. Admit it. Admit it. We have something. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, you are, I've interviewed you many times. You're one of my favorite people to talk to because you have an animalistic quality. Yes, and I mean that in the nicest way. Which animal? Well, I don't know. It would be a reptile, I believe. I think a panther. No, no, no, no, no. A panther? Because it has a long, darting tongue. I know that he can hit a fly at great lengths.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You are a combination of animals. You are a panther, but you are also a lizard. Of course, the fly, we must add the fly in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
The tongue detached from the mouth? It detached.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This is your dream? Yes, some of my dreams. Okay, let me pause for a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Goldblum, esteemed actor, is about to, he's relayed a dream that he had last night, and I can see that he's written it down. It looks like in Hebrew. I don't understand. Your handwriting is very bizarre. Do you speak Hebrew?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, Mike, what kind of clue is that? A ceramic mug features in a breakfast scene. There's a clue for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes, let me say quickly, Freud had this theory that dreams have meaning. And we now know that Freud was wrong. That has no meaning. This is insanity. There's no, there's nothing, that opened no porthole. There's nothing there. Robert Altman returns from the dead and wants to stay at your home and he's being sneaky and you're in a hospital. Then you're in a pod, you're observing the Alps.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You go up one side and down the other after spending a brief interval in the bathroom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
There's a kindness in there, but it's got this crusty shell. Whereas here, everything has this kind of smooth shell.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
But I want that for you. I want that. I want that for you. Yeah. If you died, it would mean nothing to me. You know, it's odd to think about it now, but you and Tina, you're this wave of women that came along, and I think it's easy for people to take it for granted now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yes, there were women before you, and I know you have your idols are like Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, Catherine O'Hara, who I sat next to at the 50th anniversary, and I couldn't... I mean, I see her from time to time and I love Catherine O'Hara. And sometimes she's very earnest.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
So when the show was about to start and Paul Simon came up and I get the microphone and Sabrina Carpenter came up and she's at her microphone and they're both ready to go. And she went, oh, this is Paul Simon. This is going to be good. And I said, well, we'll see. And she looked at me like, what do you mean? And I said, you know, these things come and go. You never know. She's always great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
She was like, fuck you. He's always great. And this is like where I'm picking a fight with Catherine O'Hara before they're calling out three to one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Letterman sat like three rows down from me and I went over and said hi and was struck by his beard. I mean, literally.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I called you up and I said, B minus, that was like a C plus. So you met Tina at Improv Olympics in Chicago, 1993. What made you know that you two were going to be like sort of peanut butter and jelly?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. Excuse me. The arch support I've been looking for. That's a free ad. Are they still making those?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
On update and anytime I've seen you two together, you always have A plus jokes. You have great jokes, great delivery. Some people think, what's the trick? It's like, well, yes, have good delivery is really important. And sometimes you need to have a saver, but have the stuff. And you two always have really good stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I have to bother my writers. I have to think myself what stuff I can say, what's going on, find out what the local references are and construct the whole thing from scratch. And I get to, before we get started, I go down to the lobby and I see Sting is there and he's just got a guitar on his back and a leather case. And I went, oh, hey, how's it going? He's like, oh, it's going all right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm doing a benefit. And I said, I'm doing a benefit too. I'm doing something for, and I've been working and I've been working. I said, what are you going to do? And he said, I'm going to play Roxanne. And I'm going to play every step. And he's not even thinking about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I haven't seen one in years. I haven't seen one in years. That was a terrible catchphrase. That's one of the worst catchphrases.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. No one's. I was at an event with you. I remember this really well. It was an event with you at the Museum of Natural History.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I don't know if I was performing or what, but then the music came out and it was Jon Bon Jovi and he did cowboy on a steel horse. You jumped up. You lost your mind and you were screaming all of the lyrics, which was great. And then I look over and Jon Bon Jovi's wife is doing it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, she's there too. And she's like, yeah, yeah. I love this. And I'm thinking, that's a good marriage.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Kind of. Don't you think it was a terrible catchphrase? Yeah. I'm Jelen with Magellan? That's terrible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I like how he went into his storage. No, he had it in his closet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
He was wearing it that day. He has all of his poster clothes in his closet right off his bedroom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It's days away, and I just figured, you know, this will write itself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, do it in the parking lot on the way in. But, no, that's all Lorne. Lorne Michaels, and it's not everywhere. There used to be this era, for a long time, writers were kept like rats in this back room. I had a really good first job in L.A. at not necessarily the news, but we weren't part of the production. We didn't really interact with the crew. Mm-hmm.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
We were in a room, Greg Daniels and I were in a room with Billy Kimball, and we just had desks that faced each other like accountants, and we just banged out sketches all day long, sight gags, whatever. And then at the end of the day, we'd submit them and go home. But that was, and I remember thinking, this is not the show business I wanted to be in. I want to be backstage.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
That was America trying to recover from the 9-11 attacks. What? No, we were. We were trying to get back on our feet, literally. And so we were all about inserts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I want to see showgirls, people in horse costumes, people dressed as a knight. I want all that craziness and get to SNL. It didn't matter if you were like me, 23, 24 years old. He'd just say, all right, what have you got? What's your name? Conan. Okay, and let's hear your idea. And you'd tell him the idea. Okay, go pitch it to Steve Martin. Me? Or go pitch it to comedy, pick any comedy icon.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I remember thinking, you're allowing me to go into a room alone with this person? I could have a, you know, like, why do we, have you done a background check on me? Oh, yeah, finish that sentence. I know, you could.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I used to just, it was one of those ones that flips out and flips back, and I was always around, and I remember it a lot. I was like, can you not do that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
But one of the things I always loved about you, and I don't know if this comes from... I read somewhere maybe it comes from your dad, but you were fearless physically, comedically, and you are. Like, you know... You would, if the joke called for you as Andy's little sister to go charging down the aisle and leap and hit him so that he falls over. I look at that footage now. It's online.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You leap like a leopard. You hit Andy. He goes over. It's one of the biggest laughs I've heard in studio. Because the running joke was you have a crush on me and I'm always trying to politely explain that I'm and then you think Andy's whatever getting in the way and you attack and you would give these great speeches. But you run by the great Brian Stack by the great Brian Stack. I remember you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I'm just saying that there's a historic reason why a gelled insole was a big deal back then. People wanted comfort and they wanted to feel supported at a time when our nation was in a lot of peril. Anyway, I love the way I talk right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I do think there is. I hope it's still not the case. But there used to be this kind of long ago. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
In a sense that you got to be ladylike. Do you know what I mean? That if a guy's... I mean, I remembered my mom being a little bit that way, which is if I'm being completely inappropriate, it was funny. If one of my sisters was doing it, it was like, no, hold on. That's not really... And it was a thing. She came from a very traditional Irish Catholic background and you've got to be a lady.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Well, I remember my shock being coming out to Los Angeles and hanging out with, meeting Lisa Kudrow and hanging out and going over to her house. And her family was just, would talk, they lived in Tarzana, her dad's a doctor. They would talk very openly about sex and it would freak me out. It still does. Like, sex has never been discussed or acknowledged in my home with my parents.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It was never, ever. And if something remotely sexy came on TV, it was, you know, like we could all see our breath.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And then we'd just all get out of the room as fast as we could. And so, and to this day, I mean, nothing, people don't talk about that stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, I remember dating someone once a long time ago and meeting her parents for the first time. And I said something like some kind of teasing mock put down of her, like, yeah, well, keep working on that. And her mother went, we don't do that in this house. We don't put people down. And I remember thinking, I need to go. I need to leave right now because that's not going to fly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I had one of those IVs last night. I don't think it did anything, I'll be honest with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It's like everything we learned was... So there's a reason to toast. That was just implied. You know, it's interesting because you were talking to me about how you just always thought our show was there to stay and it was fine. A lot of people don't know because this interesting thing has happened with Parks and Recreation where...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It is now just one of those shows that's chapter and verse and comedy people know it and not just comedy people, but it's like it plays a lot. People really know it. It's esteemed. It's it's and they don't know that it was a running gun battle to keep that thing on the air.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
They put a bunch of, because I wasn't feeling well, and I've got a big gig coming up, and I wanted to feel my best. And so my doctor said, oh, you could try this. And there's like a bag, and the guy just keeps injecting different things into the bag while it drips into my arm. And I'm thinking, I don't know what he's putting in here. And at one point he put, yeah, it was the substance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I am every, I mean, almost every day I thank the streaming gods and the internet because I never thought the stuff that we were making, I always thought we did this really weird thing tonight. It'll never be seen again because it's just tonight and maybe it'll be rerun once in the summer, but then that's it. It's gone. And I was at the SNL thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And when you buy a Samsung television, there's a Conan O'Brien channel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Bill Murray came up to me and he was like, ah, yeah, Conan, there's this thing on my TV. It's just you. And it's you. And I went, honey, and I can't get it off me. I was like, well, I can't help you. And he went, yeah, you know, some of it's really good, you know. But it was just so weird that that stuff that I thought would never be seen. Yeah. There's moments on the Internet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And the good work gets picked out. It rises to the top. There's plenty of stuff we all did that we're like, okay. But that tends to not get passed around as much. And it creates this illusion that everything we did was super funny. That's true. Which in my case was like, no, that's a complete illusion. You're just not seeing the other ones because they don't get clicks.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You know, we were like, what? I remember he had parties. He had an apartment that was like on 19th or 20th Street downtown and it was kind of a loft. And he, you know, I wasn't having parties. I was just, you know, but I would go to Andy's parties and it was everyone from UCB. Yeah. You and Matt Walsh and Besser and Ian. And it's just like this whole salon of super funny people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Plus, sometimes you go to an Andy party and there'd be like a guy in a fez in the corner with an eye patch. It looked it had there were like people with parrots on their shoulders.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, I turned into Eddie Redmayne. At one point I said, what's that you're putting in there? And he said, mayonnaise. Let's put mayonnaise in there. And he read me and crawled out my back. And he said, cheerio, chaps. To make a moving picture. I don't know who the young version of me would be. The Wendy's girl.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I did it. I was just at this SNL and I saw Tina and I saw she's with her husband, Jeff, Jeff Richman. And I immediately, I'm sorry, Jeff, but I immediately go to when we first, we use Jeff Richman.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
who scores all this stuff. He's very brilliant. He's incredibly successful. We used him and he played Cupid. So he was in a diaper hanging on a rope with a bow and arrow and some glitter in his hair and no shirt. And he's kind of just spinning at rehearsal awkwardly. And I didn't know who Jeff was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
and then it's over and I think I'm doing something and Tina had passed a monitor and she went, that's my husband, you fucker. What have you done to him?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I don't care what he does. He'll get an Oscar for scoring something and I'll still think, you were Cupid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It's funny to me because I remember SNL really wanted you to do it and you were hesitant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yes, I remembered. I don't know if that's, but I remembered it wasn't like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Unless I'm remembering it incorrectly, but that's how it felt to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You and Tina did update for four years. Was it four or five?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
There was a famous article that said, I don't know if it was Kurt Anderson or someone, it just said, irony is dead. Nothing will ever be ironic again. Except that statement. Yeah, exactly. It's just like, well, no, this is what humans do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
We go through, whether it's the fires in Los Angeles, whether it's 9-11, we get hit over the head, we are stunned, we collect ourselves, and then we go back to doing what we do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I think, first of all, you're going to kill it. But second of all, I think, I mean, everyone's going to want to talk to you. You can do both. You can be funny, but you can also talk about real things. I mean, to me, that's the secret is just to be open and accessible, I think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Sorry. These aren't my prescription glasses. Let me see who's talking. Oh, okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I think what I like about it is after all those years of... Okay, we're back. Now our next guest. You know him from the song Rocketman. Elton John's here, whatever. Six minutes, and then, Elton John, everybody. All right, whatever. What's the matter with you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, anyone can do that. Cheerio, chap. Here comes Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I'm really not trying at all. Those are bangers and mash. I'm just saying things without an English accent. Not even doing an accent. You can't do a normal British accent. Watch this. Look at over there. It's Big Ben.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
If you don't mention Rocketman, no one knows who Elton John is. That's a true fact. I brought him out and said, you know him from Benny and the Jets.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
People boo. But I think my favorite thing is that this... The format is really liberating. And so how many times have you and I encountered each other over the years? How many times have you done the show? But now I really get to sit and talk to you. And it's a treat for me. I look forward to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I was excited today that you were coming in because I haven't talked to you for like a solid 45 minutes before. Yeah. And this is fun. There's no like magic trick. It's just fun to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, I agree with you. I think what you hear or if you're looking at clips online on this podcast or see is what it is. So this is what it is. And then if we break and go to lunch, we fight and bicker and joke and put each other down the way we would here on the pod. This is just what it is. It's not, OK, got to get ready to pretend to be this person. And I'm saying this for better or for worse.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. This is, you know, this is who I am. This is who you are. I'm not sure what you're doing. No, I'm not. You're just a big mess, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. Someone told me, and I just want to, I want to, because my wife has a fascination with the show Below Deck.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I watch Below Deck and I don't get it. And my wife is very smart and she has excellent taste. But when she's watching Below Deck, I'm like, I don't understand. Not that much is happening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
There is something about I, you know, there'll be like young, good looking couples that hook up on the boat. And I find that that isn't as exciting to me as I get into the chef has to make a meal. And it's always these incredibly entitled, rich people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Do you know what I mean? And they're always there and they're like, this is for my wife's anniversary. And then they'll say things like, maybe it's fake, but they'll say at 11 o'clock in the morning, you know, we want tonight's theme to be, and then they announce some insane theme. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
They're on a boat in the middle of the Aegean Sea, and they're suddenly scrambling around trying to find, okay, the theme is volcanoes. They're building little volcanoes. People are dressing up as, and then the cook has to make, the chef has to make the food for everybody. It's always going wrong, and then it comes together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You know, you might be onto something and maybe, Adam, I'm just going to throw this out there. We should include a segment where we're like hosing this table down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And Eduardo designed this, so he's freaking out that we're getting soapy water. We're happy to clean this table every post-session. But, like, just we could make that a new thing on the show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I always, my whole life, if someone wanted to do a prank on someone, my mind would always go, what if someone gets hurt?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I don't know why. It could even be just the simplest prank. And I think, I don't know, someone could get hurt and end up paralyzed. And people would be like, what are you talking about? We're just giving them a birthday cake, but it's not their birthday. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Someone could end up paralyzed. I don't know why I always went to that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I wasn't even trying to right there. I had a small polyp in my throat from this cold that I was trying to dislodge. Listen, guys, I'm not your chimp. I'm not going to sit here and do voices.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Anyway, you're launching this weekly video podcast, Good Hang, with Amy Poehler. It's going to come out this March. I will be listening to this podcast. I'd be thrilled to do it if you ever want me on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I love hanging with you, and you're one of my favorite people of all time, and I know you're going to kill this. It's a gift that those all those years ago, you came into my life and were so funny and elevated everything on our show. Not everything, but a lot of things. Why did I have to correct that? No, I mean, you were in and it was just it was just a magical time. And I do feel nostalgic, too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I treated them all like they were a boy band in South Korea. And they were like, this is awful. Amy Poehler, thank you so much for being here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It is important that every business rigorously investigate the employees and kick the tires on this thing. Make sure that every cog in the machine is working properly, don't you think? Yeah. With that in mind today, we're going to someone I've known for a very long time. Her name is Paula Davis. Hi, Paula.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I'm not some entertainer who, when cued, performs entertainment for people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Don't just push the microphone up to your, that's the thing that, yes, there you go. That's how it works. Is that good? That's good right there. Paula. Yes, sir. You are my head booker. You've been my booker at late night from day one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And we knew each other before that because you were one of the first people I met when I showed up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed In February of 1988, I show up at Saturday Night Live with my friend Greg Daniels. We both walk in and I sit down up in the area that's kind of near where Lorne Michaels' office is. And I start chatting with this very funny, wise guy, young lady. It's you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Okay. It's the Bosch, Bosch traveling knife, the traveling knife for me. First cabin captain's quarters, real company. Pull out, stab it down. Bosch with a capital P-O-S-H. You do good, Paul McCartney. oh yeah, well he's very, you know, Dana and I like to do, I learn a lot from Dana, which is very sing-songy and doobly-doo. He's ups and he's downsies. It's good. It's all over the mapsies.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I remembered immediately thinking, she's like my sister. She's really funny and quick.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
But I did like you. Yeah. And we, so we knew each other in that world. And then you were with me all through Late Night, Tonight Show, TBS.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And then... When this thing started up, you were doing that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
So you've been finding the good people for us to talk to all these years. Yes, I have. I'll start off by commending you for your fine work.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
you know I get irritated with you oh yes I do know that because I try and talk to you in the morning and you're teaching a yoga class that's true and first of all she's very serious about yoga you teach yoga I do it's a great thing I didn't know you teach yoga I got certified a couple years ago wow congrats Paul that's cool thanks you guys yeah
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I always pick something insane to to be offended by. And I arbitrarily decided that you and also you work with like you do wonderful work. You're helping. Aren't you helping people, older people sometimes with yoga?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You volunteer. You do really nice things. And I've decided that this is an affront. Yeah. because that's time you could be booking some people. Okay. And I'm talking like seven o'clock in the morning. She's doing this wonderful work with, you know, basically elder care for free where she volunteers and I'll harangue you. You should book some of those seniors and that'll show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I don't know what that is. Why? Why, Paula? Psychoanalyze it. You're very smart. And by the way, Paula, once I was having this amazing interview and I will say it again. I've said it many times. The best interviewer on the planet is Howard Stern. I think he's a genius interviewer. Always has been. And he just gets better and better. I idolize him as an interviewer. He was interviewing me once.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
We and I were having this moment and I brought you up and he said, well, is Paula here? And because you're a huge Howard fan, you came in and you were petrified.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
But you immediately psychoanalyzed us both brilliantly. It was great. Really? Yeah. And then Howard was like, wow, she's great. What did you say about Conan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. No, no. She has a. I'm not going down this road with you. Oh, yes, you are. Yes, Paula, a long time ago, and this is before I was getting cognitive therapy and realizing that without getting crazily boring, but our thoughts can take us places that then the emotions follow and it can get very negative. Anyway, you were the one that was like, no, no, no, we're not going down that road.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
We're not going down that negative road that you have in your head about yourself. And then you would say it the way you say to a dog, nope, out, like off the couch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. Off the couch. Yeah. I do that with our, we have a puppy now, Odin, and he'll just jump up on the couch and Liza and I'll be like, nope. And he quickly jumps off. That's how you are with me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And after all this time, is there someone that you would want to?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. And then my John Lennon is just, what the fuck are you talking about? It's just, it's more nasal and just yelling at Paul. Yes, it's a lot of fun to hang around with Dana and do voices. It's really fun. Yeah. He's the maestro. Yeah, he is. He is the maestro. Yeah. And I'm going to give it up for him right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Wow, what a leading question. Leading question for the process.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Listen, I would love to talk to Cher. I have great admiration for Cher. I don't know. She's never promoting something. I don't know. Or maybe she is and she doesn't want to do our show. I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Oh, that'll, yeah. Good luck getting that past her. Nine layers of security.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I'm a median, too! Let me in! Let me in and share! I know that your real name is Cher, Cher, Cher, and in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
No, I don't know. That's a tricky thing because you're putting Paula in a situation where she may have to say a name.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Paul is always trying to book people that died quite a long time ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Do you like the bits? I do like the bits. Sometimes, Paula has a great laugh. And if I can really, one of my favorite things to do, which I can't recreate right now, but I used to walk into an office and you'd be there with Gina Batista. And I think I tricked them almost every time, but we'd be talking and I would make sure that we were in a pretty serious vein.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And they always had, you know, magazines, celebrity magazines there because they're in booking and they would flip through them to get ideas. You know, did we not have this person?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And so, you know, I'd pick up one of those, an Us magazine, whatever, and I'd flip through and I'd go like, oh, fuck. And you would go like, what, what's the problem? And I'd go, why, if I'm in this, if I'm in this, why did you have the magazine here?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And you guys would think for a second, oh shit, there's like a paparazzi photo of Conan and it's not flattering or he gets upset if he sees himself. And I would then proceed to read copy Very fluently. Yes. Like, fluidly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Legit. Meaning, I'd be flipping through and I'd go like, hey, I didn't know I was in this. And why do you have this magazine out if I'm in it? Why do you have this Us magazine if I'm in it? And Paula and Gina would go, oh, oh, oh, shoot. I guess we didn't realize he's in it. And then I'd say, Red Terror Rides Again. Good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And you guys would be listening, and at first I'd make it plausible. Cited, you know, a certain carrot-topped quipster was cited. Oh, always. You know, whatever. I always work that in. A carrot-topped jokester was cited on La Cienega Boulevard, you know, entering whatever, and I would say like an ice cream store. And then I would proceed to describe the most horrible thing about myself. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah, well, who else is there? What other famous Danas are there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It was completely fake, but it was always me dropping my pants... spilling ice cream, kicking an old woman. Please stop hurting me, the old woman, a veteran of the Korean War, cried. You'll take it and like it, O'Brien said. As I remember, we didn't win that war, granny. I mean, I would describe this absolute monster. But Brian then said, where's my ice cream?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
When the ice cream was not brought quickly enough for the, and then I would say the freckled, you know, late night star, he grabbed the cone of a nearby boy in a wheelchair. Looks like you lose out, wheelie. I mean, absolute insane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I think that's one of the things that's never come out is my joy. I'd like to try to be a good person, but I love imagining myself as the worst person alive. And I would read these things and you would laugh till you were crying and it would make me so happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Makes me angry that she gives of herself at seven o'clock in the morning to yoga with elderly people instead of she could be on the phone booking Dakota Johnson.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
That's right. You know what? Dakota Johnson said she's available to take our call for a booking at 7 a.m. She's the white whale. She's the white whale. Yeah. Yeah. This is meant to be a cruel staff review and we just can't do it. Once again, you've made it all about you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
He probably does. Yeah. He comes out as a character. Comes out as a 1920s Depression era newsboy and tells everybody that Titanic was just sunk. They should get ready for the fight.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You're great. Everyone loves Paula. Everyone loves Paula. Boring.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
But thank you for getting us all these amazing people. Oh, you're welcome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Well, I'm sorry. They had their fun in the 1940s. Why should they be getting a free ride now? Oh, wait. That's the guy from the fake Us magazine ad. I know. All right, Paula. We love you. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It's Conan O'Brien. And this is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm joined by my good pals. What is it? Son of Obsession. Son of Obsession. Yeah. And... Take your time. Take your time. And this is one of those occasions, doesn't come up that much, where I've got a bit of a cold and I'm just loving my voice. And that's why I think I slow it down a little bit. And I think I sound real sexy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
They all start hitting each other with chairs. They love it. We love it. To the Lusitania saying. Do it. Do it. They love it when he invokes Woodrow Wilson. Yeah, it's great. It's good stuff. Well, I think we've had a good time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
That's the audience. You just clued the audience in that we were trying to fill time as opposed to having a magical journey.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You know, show business is, and our current president has taught us this, you declare it and you make it so. And so I'm, you know, not saying that's the right thing to do, but he just says he makes declarations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I'm not, not, not, not saying. No, but what I'm saying is... He makes these declarations and people then start chanting, lock her up, lock her up. They don't even know who she is or where they're locking her up. You should just do that. Yeah. So I think I'm going to start doing that on the podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I don't know. You shoplifted, didn't you? A long time ago and not a lot of stuff. I guess old crimes don't count.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You look fantastic. Hey, I love the scales you're holding. Why are you blindfolded, law?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Oh, wow. Your improv is so good. Your improv is off the charts. Incredible. So do you train to like Second City? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
You got it. That's all you got to do. Yeah. And I got to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And shut up. Yes. And you shut up. Yeah. That's what I would do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And then yes. And you shut up. Yes. That's a good. Yes. And wrap. Okay. Well, I think this is a perfect introduction. Improvisational geniuses on the show today. My guest today was a cast member on SNL and starred in the hit series Parks and Recreation. Now she has a new podcast titled Good Hang with Amy Poehler. You know what? She's never been on the podcast. I know. And I adore her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
A lot of our fans know this, but for the uninitiated, when I was doing my late night show in 93, a couple of years into it, we started saying, oh, we need cast members to help us out on the fly. And UCB was just getting off the ground.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And so suddenly it wasn't just that I was getting really good people. I was getting the best sketch performers who were coming in from downtown and coming in and you would play and you could play anything, but you would play Andy's little sister and we'd give you I think a script that was like, yeah, it's a solid B. And you would take it to an A++++++. It was insanity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And I never took that for granted. I always thought, I mean, now I look back on it and I think, I got to have Amy Poehler do bits on my show. Got to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Well, it's interesting because young people just sort of made it their show. And we were doing all this weird stuff. And they were saying, yeah, this is what we like. We like the masturbating bear. We like pimp bot. We like Andy's little sister. We like all this weird stuff. But I was constantly taking shit from people that were used to Letterman who were maybe 20 years older than me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And so there was a solid three years of you might get canceled. Yeah. Can you try, you know, can you get rid of that weird stuff you're doing? And I'd tell them I will, and then I just wouldn't. And it was just madness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
He's got his own thing going on. That's not how he gets off. So we also have a few things in common, which is you're from Burlington, Mass. And I'm from Brookline, Mass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
And you know what's interesting is that your Boston accent went away. I used to think I never had a Boston accent. And then someone recently found a clip of me interviewing my brothers and sisters from like 1971. And I'm going like, yes, away. And I'm like, who is that guy? And I never consciously tried to get rid of it, but you tried.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I also love that when I go to Boston, I don't know if this happens to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I can't. I'm terrible at it. This made Rachel Dratch crazy because she did this. She wrote a sketch for Saturday Night Live, which is all these Boston people. And I was hosting that week. I was just having trouble getting the Boston accent because I had been away for years. And Rachel was losing her mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
No, no. She was getting really frustrated. Like, no, no, no. It's like on the corner. You know, and I'd be like, yeah, on the corner. She was really... I was making her as upset.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
It's not just the accent. There's an attitude, too. I don't know if you have this, but if I'm in Boston and I go there a lot to see my family, there's a, Conan, come here. Yeah. Come here. Yes. There's a, you kind of work for me. I know you're from Boston, so get over here. So I'm walking the other way. Hey, Conan, come here. Come here. Fuck, it's Conan. You know, come here. Climb over this thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I think I've mentioned this before, but I was in Boston and I was staying at a hotel and I was staying at a bar and I go into the men's room and this woman, who I want to say was 55, followed me into the men's room while I met the urinal. And she was like, hey, go on. And I was like, yeah, I met the urinal. And she's like, oh, Mr. Hollywood. Like, no, it's... I think this is illegal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
If I had this kind of voice all the time, I'd just do a lot of, yeah, yeah. Just to fill out the conversation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Also, I remember growing up, first of all, you'd listen to school cancellations and you'd wait for your town to come up. But the second thing is there were all these ads for like the Light and Leisure building. Yeah. I think it was in Burlington. And they were like, it's in Burlington, the light and leisure. I don't know exactly what they were selling.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
I think it was lights and leisure clothing, which doesn't make any sense. But it was like light and leisure, Burlington, you know, get off this, whatever. And I just, so that's drilled into my head.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Amy Poehler
Because you don't have to think of anything clever. People will, hey, what's going on? Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
This guy just called in to wish you a happy birthday and suddenly you're saying I don't give a flying fuck when he does?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Wait. Now listen to me. Oh, so Geddy Lee has to know your birthday exactly?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I think within two months is a fairly good shot. There are 12 months. That's a sixth of the year for God's sake.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
What kind of scale are we on right now? If I got within a sixth of Bridget Bardot, I'd be fucking happy. Now you listen to me, you son of a bitch. What I'm saying is- You ingrate. We just arranged. You know what it costs for us to get Geddy Lee on the phone? Nothing. $600,000.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Okay. First of all, you're saying that if you passed a cafe... If you're walking, strolling along. Right. You were strolling along and you passed a cafe and Geddy Lee was sitting there and he happened to remember you. And he said, oh, Jason. And you went, what's Jordan? Yeah. And he said, have a seat. Let's share a bottle of French wine. You wouldn't join him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
No. I'm different than you. I want to know the man. I'm someone who likes people. I interact. I know we're on this spinning blue globe we call Earth for a short time. And so, no, I don't want to huddle off in the dark and, you know, put my headphones on and have the same technical experience that I've had many times before.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I'm going to give you my takeaways from what we just experienced. Your favorite band of all time, Rush, Geddy Lee. I surprised you with Geddy Lee and you went, ah, yes. Which stunned me because unbelievable. What did you expect? What would you have expected? I thought you would crack a smile and go, oh my, oh, whoa, oh, hey, whoa, this is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You acknowledged him like you went into a supermarket. Yes. You were looking for, you know, you were looking for a bag of Snickers bars. Yeah. And you went in the candy aisle and you went, oh, there they are. Yeah. That's the reaction you gave. You saw, you know, you saw some Nutter Butter cookies you were looking for. Hmm. Yes. There they are. There was no that's all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And I thought I found that to be unusual. The other takeaway is you go on and on and on about the difference in these audio pressings. He didn't know. He didn't know what you were talking.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Okay. Now, listen, I've had the experience of, you know, being an artist. I have a great, uh, vast body of work going back. I mean, even before 1993. Oh, I'm familiar with it. Well, yeah, let's not go that far back. Not necessarily the news. Okay. Now you overdid it, but the groundlings. Well, before that. So what I'm saying is I've been making comedy pretty much steadily since 1981.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Even earlier since. You as a fan probably have liked to go back sometimes and watch my old work.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yes, you do. You must sometimes when you and I are walking around together be thinking, oh my God, this is Colin O'Brien.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
OK, so for any given music, I'd have a different term for you now, but this goes out to families. So I'm not going to do it. So, again, I'm going to try and get you to the point rather than taking us to. Well, this is a radio show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
There are certain. What a list. Neil Diamond, Tristan Rogers from General Hospital?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Stop for just a second. OK. You're saying that you didn't have a personality. You were an empty vessel and you decided to, you watched a soap opera and you saw a person acting on a soap opera and modeled who you are after that person.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Can I say something? Yes. What boy your age is watching these soap operas These soap operas were meant for housewives.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
1990. I'm sorry. Oh, I missed it. I missed it by less than how much he missed your birthday.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And I say, you guys, he performed on the rooftop of Beth Israel Hospital. And I just want to say, so I've seen most of it. But some there's a section where you guys take a bathroom break and it's missing. And so you're asking for that footage. He doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Okay, so your list is Neil Diamond.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I'll do an impression of you bringing him up. Oh, guess what? We have a treat for you. The person you modeled your entire personality on who you've never met before. And here he is. And you go like, oh, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Oh, OK. Well, then guess what? He should be shot. OK, he should be sued. What do you mean the charisma you have?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Going back to the day. I just want to know what's different about this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
So have you ever wondered or I don't know if you've had therapy and my guess is you have not. I think you would. I don't think a therapist would be able to help you. I don't need help. Hold on. I think it'd be like a therapist sitting and there's a toaster oven on the couch. I'm fine. Yeah, people that say, I don't need help, I'm fine, shouting it, usually are fine. So my question is...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Do you ever wonder why you needed... Why couldn't you just let your own personality form? Why did you need to take it from a character on General Hospital?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Listen, I want to say something, Jordan. You say you're fine. You say you're okay. I'm just going to notice. Yeah. We've all noticed it. You've been shouting. Okay. For much of the last 15 minutes. I keep seeing Eduardo reach over and turn the dials down because you're going to blow out these beautiful microphones. These are gorgeous. Shure SMB7s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
It stuns me that SXM, they're a big company, big company, and they are in business with all the biggest talents. Yeah. And somehow you're on there now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, and it's stunning to me. Yeah. The amount of bibble, babble, blither, and blather that spews out of this face of yours that I'd like to smash. It's incredible that people are listening in their cars right now. They're Dodge Neons. They're Chevrolet Gugus. I'm just making up car names. I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
So you thought that by sitting next to me on a radio show, I thought there'd be some sense of accomplishment. You'd be ushered into a better seat. Yes. Yes, I did. At the Lucky Duck Chicken House. You know, you thought, okay, that's incredible. You're a mystery to me. You continue to be a mystery. I try to make you happy by bringing you one of your icons daily. I try to get you therapy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Well, that iconic song can only mean one thing. It's the Conan and Jordan Show. And I'm joined, of course, I'm Conan O'Brien. I think that shouldn't have to be said. And I'm joined by my enemy, my friend, my frenemy, a man I loathe, a man I love, Mr. Jordan Schlansky. Yes, hi. You've been in my employ for how many years now, Jordan? Decades. Okay. Nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You say you don't need it. Yeah. You still shout. I don't know. This was an incredible experience for me. to watch you. I try to help you. I try to do nice things for you. I took you to Italy. You can all watch it. I do all these extraordinary things for you and you always end up angry. You seem angry. No, I'm not angry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You can choose your conjunction. Freud's on line one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
OK, well, we got off on a crazy tangent. I think you brought up Mussolini and I think that's weird. OK, listen, we had a wonderful episode. I think you got to meet one of your great heroes and talk to him. I know you say you've met him before, but he got to call you two months after your birthday, which is a big deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Well, I think you don't even have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
No, I was not worried about that. All right. Well, listen, this has been our episode of the Conan and Jordan show featuring a guest appearance by Jordan's all-time hero, Geddy Lee. We're going to try and get this gentleman from General Hospital. Tristan Rogers. Tristan Rogers to be on soon. And you say you molded your personality around him. That is a sad, sad story about a sad little boy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Pinocchio, who one day wished he would become real and be a real boy. Listen to him speak. Okay. Peace out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I wasn't going to touch the disc. How did you know that I had liquid grease for lunch?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
No pun intended. I did not mean to rush you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You got something? Do I have something? Yes. Okay. Okay. I have a little. I guess this is more important than what I was talking about. I think you're going to agree that it is. Okay. I have a special guest for you today.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
He's joining us right now. All right. Let's get him in here. I think this is a big moment. There he is, Geddy Lee.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
What do you mean? Oh, yes. This is your God. Geddy, how are you? Great to see you. I can't believe I just bring Geddy into the conversation and you go, oh, yes. Freak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Where are you right now, Geddy? Where are you zooming into us from?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Lovely. And first of all, let me thank you, Getty, because you are an iconic musician. You're a big deal. And for you to join our ridiculous show is very cool. And so thank you so much for doing that. The reason I wanted you to join is I... I talked to Jordan. We've traveled the world together. We have a famous relationship.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I think 40% of the time, Jordan is trying to talk to me about you, your music. And it's very flattering, but I thought you should come together now and you should talk to Jordan because Jordan claims that this pressing is much better of superior quality. Can you hear the difference, Geddy?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Isn't that incredible? Jordan is basing his whole life. It's like a religion to him that this is the only version that can be played. You, Geddy Lee, can't hear the difference.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Are you feeling that you're in the presence of, I don't know, a madman, someone who.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Thank you for identifying the exact nature of the illness. Well, you're a nerd.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You know, it might be interesting to hear Geddy Lee talk about Rush. Geddy, would you like to say anything about those days and some of the innovations and what the sound you were going after? Are we going to let R2-D2 over here spit out this bullshit?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
All those nerdy facts are true. And thank you for doubling down on the nerdy thing. But Geddy, I'm curious, could you have had any idea back in 1980, you're up in Quebec, that all these years later, I mean, here we are, some 44 years later, and that someone like a Jordan, and Jordan is not, I mean, Jordan's very peculiar, but Rush fans really know this stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
That's got to, it must blow your mind to think that what you guys were doing back then is now, uh, chapter and verse. It's, it's like talking about something in the Bible or the Talmud. It's, it's gotta be kind of freaky for you, huh?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Now, Geddy, this is an awkward question, but say Jordan were to show up outside your home in Toronto, would you invite him in and let him stay for a week? Fuck no. Sorry, am I allowed to say that? Oh, that was the greatest thing that ever happened. Geddy Lee, thank you so much. Jordan, I'm sorry, but that's just the answer. That's the answer. That's the way it's going to have to be.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Do you know what he's talking about, Geddy?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, Geddy, it doesn't seem to be... He's not writing any of this down, by the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And I did notice he has, like me, he has a button in his study that alerts security, and he's been leaning on that thing for about 10 minutes. Yes. Getty, you are a very good sport in addition to being an incredibly talented musician and a great guy. And it was very nice of you to drop in and speak to Jordan. I worry about Jordan, frankly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And I think after this conversation, you're a little worried about him, too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
With maybe security present. Yeah. It's also my bar mitzvah today, Getty. So if you want to say a word about that. Okay, yes. Getty Lee, thank you so much. It's very kind of you to call in and our regards to your bandmates and to all the good people in Toronto. That's one of my favorite towns in the world. So thank you. Thank you, Conan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Take care, Getty Lee. Thank you very much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
What an incredibly nice guy. That was a really nice treat that he could drop in here. How did it feel? Had you spoken with Geddy Lee before?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah. No, they were all given to me. I understand. Well, that's impressive. That's cool when you just know famous people that give you guitars. Yes. Well, we can all aspire to that. So this is a special cut to the chase. This is a what's different about this pressing of that song. OK. Like all of us, I like music.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I make words, too, and put them into sentences.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
That feeling is shared by, I think, by Geddy Lee and the rest of the members of Rush, which I think works out nicely. You don't feel the need to meet them. Right. And he does not want to meet you. Right. And shouldn't really meet you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
We have many aspects to our personality. No, you don't. No, you don't. What I'm saying is you're a fucking floor lamp that I've been looking at for years. I've walked around it. I've pushed it on and I've turned it off. And now you're saying there's many sides to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I mean, who wants to shut off Willy Wonka's chocolate fountain? Nobody. Don't you want to get lost in a beautiful moment? Oh, boo-hoo. No, I don't want to get lost. I want a GPS at all times. You're saying, oh, isn't it the great tragedy of my life is that these gems sometimes have to stop. No, no one else is thinking that. Everyone else is saying, give me more of them gems.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
A time to sow. A time to reap. A time for you to go to sleep. A time to refrain from embraces. Yeah. What do you got there, Frankie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And they actually let you come out at one of their concerts on stage with them, which I imagine was... A couple. Yeah, okay. Well, one time you were invited, and the other time you sort of rushed the stage. But my point, and I'm getting to my point, is that... You heard that's why we play the Rush song up top is because you're a fanatic for it. But then you launch in this whole thing about CDs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Look at that. Jesus, you did that very well, Frank.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Frank was a magician's assistant for eight seconds before he was fired. That's nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
First of all, this is a compliment. Yes. Now, when he drones on, but it's a compliment, I let him go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You know what I love? You're demanding respect while wearing a pointy hat. Yeah, but I love that you were demanding. I have the floor. I have the floor. Yes. And you're dressed like a jester, a chimp, a chump, you know? You know what I mean? I love it. I love it. I will be taken seriously.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Okay. Yeah. Well, uh, I wish I could say the same. I think, I think the, well, Jose's lines, uh, completely ad lib, completely by, by Jose Arroyo, brilliant writer, uh, who I brought in as Dr. Arroyo because I always like him to play my doctor in any kind of sketch. Um, And that's Jose Arroyo. And that was just all improv. But lines like it was supposed to be.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
All right, you are listening to the Conan and Jordan Show. And very few people I know spend more time assessing the products they use than Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, I credit you. Everything on your body, everything in your life, you put a lot of thought into it. So it's only natural that you would be a consumer watchdog. So let's do a segment right now. Jordan Schlansky, consumer watchdog.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And you have... uncovered something today that you're going to talk about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Everyone, every audiophile agrees that CD is not the way to listen to music.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're a 24-7. Yeah, you don't have to stack it all up. Maybe that's a mistake. There you go. All right, let's move that out of the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Once you decide which toilet paper is yours— Why would I change?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Were you in the aisle of the store with your pants down? I'm just curious. What were you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And you would pay attention? I would pay attention. You didn't line up a bunch of toilet papers, eat 15 burritos, and then check all of them?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Okay, that's how I would have done it. But anyway...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're calling Neil Young uneducated. Jack White uneducated.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, no, no. Guess what? Can I just say one thing? I'm not in a rush, but this is my life. And this is a piece of my life. And you're wasting it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Can I assure you, not only is no one at Charmin listening right now, I think anyone who really loves the Conan channel has turned off at this point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Do you get looks when you walk out, when you come into the cash register and you have 35 boxes of toilet paper? I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Is it like someone who loves wine has a whole cellar filled with different wine? Yeah. You go downstairs and when it's your time, you you run your hand along. Yeah. these racks and racks and racks of toilet paper feeling for the one that will just suit this one particular purpose. Like I want, this was one that was made in Napa Valley.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
It's got aloe, but it's aloe from, that really comes from the soil, the good rich loam. Yeah, it's an, this is a great 84 aloe sheet. Charming. Do you ever do that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I know you do. I'm here to help you. First of all, you understand that the point of doing a show on the radio like this is to get people to listen. Yeah. Okay. Get them hooked. Yeah. You are driving them out right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Can a mega roll fit on a standard toilet? It can. It can. So I buy 18 mega rolls. I mean, if you're if the toilet in your house is in a very small space, can you get in there with the mega roll or does a mega roll pretty much take up the whole bathroom?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You know what this means to me? Why is your face?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yes, I will say, first of all, I don't know why you started to laugh maniacally like a Bond villain. Yes, yes. Um, when you're talking about this, uh, well, a stupid thing, but, uh, yeah. Okay. The old role, what I'm saying for the same amount of money you're getting, you're getting 20% less.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I know you're a part of online forums.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Wait, what are you? Wait, what? Listen to me. Wait, why do your guests need to see a month's supply of toilet paper? Why do they need to see that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah, but you're saying six rolls. No one likes asking for more toilet paper. You're saying six rolls.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You wouldn't need six. You don't have to use all six.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Do you do the same thing with food? When they come down to the refrigerator, do you have nine turkeys waiting for them to eat? What I'm saying- Just so they have the comfort level? I don't like to provide an atmosphere of scarcity. Do you have 35 salami? Do you have 17 boxes of salami? Abundance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, no, no. I'll let you speak a lot, and I'm going to take over for a second because you're completely untethered. You are completely untethered. You're a balloon free of its string, bopping around in the wind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Are you getting paid by Charmin? No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
OK, can I say one thing? First of all, I think when you put out that much toilet paper for your guests, it's an insult. It's you saying, I don't trust. I think you're a big pig. I think you're a big pig that eats and shits 24 seven. You're a monster. That's what I think you're saying to them. You're just a giant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Thank you for letting me sing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
So you're saying, I think if someone came to you, if you put six of these massive jumbo Charmin rolls in the guest room, And they came out after a three day stay and say, excuse me, could I use with their pants around their ankles? Could I have more?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
When you travel, you and I have traveled together. We've shot some some pieces together. We've traveled the world. Right. What is your security level, your feelings about going to distant lands and needing to use a facility, another facility where you don't have control over the toilet paper?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're going to take Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species, one of the greatest, most seminal works in the history of mankind, and you're going to apply it to your travel needs for toilet paper.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I bet you have devices. I bet if a SWAT team broke into your home right now, they would find all kinds of devices hidden in the crawl space. You freak, you freak, you freak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Let's give them a shout out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. What do you do? What do you do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, I don't know what you're talking about. I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Okay, I'm just turning to our SXM official in the room. Identify yourself, sir, if you don't mind. Very quickly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I know. So hold on a second. I'm going to draw something right now. You're talking about the squatty potty. That's one example of a toilet stool. Okay, but listen. I'm going to draw. Thank you for that. Hold on. I'm going to draw. Okay, go ahead. This is a toilet. Okay. This is you sitting on the toilet. And you were...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
It's Neanderthal. No, it's Neanderthal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Is this what you're talking about right here?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
They call it comfort height. It's not comfortable. I think that goes without saying. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Andrew Groos. Andrew, and just be completely honest, because you guys run a business at SXM, is what Jordan's pitching of interest to you? It feels a little niche, but I'm willing to hear an hour. Yeah. Oh, my God. But I also have this is about these songs that people don't understand. That is not what I wanted, Groose. Groose, that was your chance to shut.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I'm going to go ahead and do it. Thank you very much. I think it's a great pleasure to be here. Thank you very much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for watching.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
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Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That's not helping. You know, that's just, that's cruel. And that's an old cliche of this falling asleep. And we're not going to do that here. We're going to rise above that. I'm just going to tell him to shut his yap. Okay. You've got to stop now. Jordan, this seems to be a back and forth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And I feel what's happening here is I take the tennis ball and I hit it over to your side across the net and you grab it and you shove it up your ass and walk away. There's no back and forth here. So let's not do that. Let's have a real conversation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, no, no. That one would find interesting, I think, should be the key. Not just that you find interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I've lived a good long life. I've spoken to many people. This great mind has come up many times. I've never heard anybody say Einstein.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
All right, I... Okay. I wish I had a mild acid, a very mild acid that I could throw on you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Steve Jobs did the same thing. He always wore the same outfit. It goes back to Albert Einstein. Einstein. And Steve Jobs... But but my point, Jordan, is that I see why they didn't want to devote valuable energy. Right. Of the mind. But you have I want to put this in a way that's not insulting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
But, you know, I would be OK with you using up some of your brain, not on Rush or on the best place to get a weird up cut of a CD for St. Elmo's Fire and a little more on just picking out a shirt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Do you know the lyrics to St. Elmo's Fire? Yeah. Let's hear them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
We've talked about. You got it or you don't have it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're under arrest for knowing that much of it. And you know what? No judge will disagree with me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights. I want... Charles in charge of me. Now, it's cool that I know that. But do you know what I don't like?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You know what I love? The world right now, many people believe, is in a very dire position. War, violence, hatred, climate madness. We could be seeing the end of civilization as we know it. And you, these are the things that you want to talk about. These are the things that you're impassioned about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, I admire that. I want to talk about something. I agree with you about negativity. I'm going to bring up a positive thing, which is that you and I both had birthdays last week. That's right. Yours was April 13th. Yes. And mine was April 18th. Yes. Did you have a nice birthday?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I asked you, how was your birthday? And I get this weird it's like you're reading from a Kafka novel. Yeah, I'm a man, a man. You know, we see a man. What? Why? Why?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Not a problem. Yeah, not a problem.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Should people know that you like to peer at people like, say, through a window? Would that be, is that where you're most comfortable?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
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You're comfortable watching others from a distance and observing them.
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How is your wife, because you are married somehow and she's lovely. I don't understand. None of us, we're all baffled and you have wonderful children. When you tell her, my dearest, love of my life, my companion, I'm off. to Patagonia by myself so I can look at people through windows. Yes. What does she say?
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I'll translate that for every Mickey. There's a mini.
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So you're saying your wife's cool with it. She's probably quite eager. Does she get do you notice palpable excitement when you say you're leaving for a while?
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I haven't met her. She's lovely. Oh, really? She's lovely. I've met his wife, yeah. And she's very nice. You married well, Jordan. And she's a saint, my God. But she must have some system for you that I have not cracked yet where she gets you to be quiet. Because I haven't figured it out. Does she have a way? Does she have a signal that she gives you? Is there a bucket she puts over your head?
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Mean, mean stride Today's Tom Sawyer Mean, mean pride Yes. Hey there. If you're hearing that song, it means it's the Conan and Jordan show.
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That's the funniest thing you've said in a while. Hey, let's talk. Well, let me just say one thing.
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So I'm you know, I know what I'm doing here. But go ahead, Frank. Oh, go ahead.
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First of all, I'm new to hosting. Did you know it was his birthday before you saw that? Of course not. I was walking into the booth and you handed me a thing and said it was Jordan's birthday last week. By the way, I didn't hear from Jordan on my birthday. Yeah. So, you know. Yeah. Well, I could you could you have sent me a message or something?
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Oh, yes, yes. The premiere of The Phantom Menace back in 1999. You told a harrowing tale of how much you were looking forward to it. And you're sitting there and you're ready. And this is a big deal because it's the first Star Wars movie that's come out. In a long time.
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Now, what are the chances? Now, can I just say, in the story you told, I enter right behind you and two seats have been saved for me because of my status.
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It was an accident that I was placed right behind Jordan. It was an accident. And then, of course, you know, I have to lean forward. I see that Jordan's there. You have to lean forward. It's like some calling that you have. And I'm giving you a little free shtick, shtick that other people would pay top moolah for. You're getting for free. And you were enraged and said it ruined the experience.
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There's been a lot of fan response.
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Okay. Well, anyway. I if you're a fan out there and you ever want to watch that movie and you'd like me behind you, I'll do it for free.
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My point is, Jordan, before you get into your idea, I just want to slow you down because you came out of the gate hot. Yes, well, I was inspired. You were like a bucking bronco. We play that song because that's one of... Your favorite band is Rush. Yes. And you got to know them. Because of the fame that you accrued on my show, you got to know Rush. Yeah.
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No, what are you talking about? I don't tear up at movies. I don't. No, I don't have time for that. And I'm not going to go and look at a painting and go boo hoo.
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When I go to a museum, when I go to a great museum and I'm walking, I'm thinking, what's funny about this? I'm not laughing. Where's the gags? Right. Do you know what I mean? I remember looking. I stared at Guernica for like half an hour. I'm like, I don't get it. Nobody's laughing.
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And I've had that experience many times. I looked at Michelangelo's David. You probably have a very specific pronunciation from Michelangelo's David, don't you? Davide. Yeah. I looked at Davide and I was like, I don't get it. It's a guy with his cock hanging out in the wind. What's the big deal? Where's the Lafferoo's?
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He's dying and it looks like they put him on a skateboard.
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And they're dragging him around.
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Oh yeah, hey. Ha ha, he's got wheels on his back. Ha ha, Russell Crowe, he's a skateboard. Hey, they should put UPS boxes on him and use him to move packages around. That's how they could use the gladiator. Hey, he's dying, but hey, we can still move these boxes. Hee hee hee, that's a funny bit. I better call my writers and get them working on it. The gladiator greatest way to move packages.
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I can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a... A tiny little shot. You go in and, oh, my hairdryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.
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Oh my God, my stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My whole body falling apart.
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Nose trimmer. Yeah. And then you went to the trouble to replace the blade.
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Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. Well, that's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects.
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You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.
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Is that personally insulting? I still do big gigs. I still do live shows. Of course.
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My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day.
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I make little, I'm like Edward Scissorhands, I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one and I have a lizard in that.
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Would you like me to tell you?
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Okay. I get very bad. I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps. You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks better than a red neck? No, I don't deliberately. I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you see it?
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I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much, and maybe I leave a stray hair. And you know what? This is hurtful. No, this is not a stray hair.
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You've got 15 in a bag, you motherfucker. Give me one. Why are you saying I have to buy one? I'm not giving you one of these. Yes, you are. I employ you. What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid $8. I'll give you $16. This is priceless to me.
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I'll give you $200. I'll give you $200. Okay. Say yes! Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're going to get. You made a huge profit on that. Give it to me right now. Do I have $200 on me? I don't know if I do. Maybe I do.
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Yeah. I go to strip clubs sometimes. I think that's, you were yelling at me and you upset me because you said that my face was all fucked up.
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Okay, there's 100. Really, 200? You offered 200. I know, but what if I take it down a little bit now? No. I'll give you 100. Hold on, hold on. You want 200 seals the deal? Yeah. Okay, there it is. It's $200. Okay, which one do you want? Why don't you choose? Do you want this one? No, I want one in a box, asshole. I don't want one that's been up your ass two hours ago.
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Oh, what do you use for that?
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What goes up there? Seriously.
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Yeah. I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take? That takes a AA battery. Do we have a AA around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.
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Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there any way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just, it's awful. Well, you had another guest in here at the same volume. What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your other thigh. Why is the button?
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It's okay. This is brand new.
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So what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors. Not from what I'm hearing.
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I do hope you're murdered soon. This is a new nostril.
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Yeah. This is better than the scissors.
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Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this. You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger, like, you said that you were better than me, and that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you when you're a hobo. Look at you now!
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But you use it on, you said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it. Look at you now! It's so small.
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Jordan, if I wanted to demand the best in everything, explain your presence.
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You're right. You're right. All fair points. And I am going to use this, and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ER-GN11, only available in Japan. You can't get this.
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Yeah. I just love that you have this sad little bag. I don't know. I'm sorry. Come on. Don't stare at me with hate. You have to admit you have a little...
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Why is this goddamn? Oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. I said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch?
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Yeah. Now be honest. Have you used it on the ass? Be honest. No. Have you used anything on the ass? No. Have you ever looked back there?
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Not that I'm aware of. Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.
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That's a very personal question. Yeah. It was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question. All right. Well, I think this has been a very successful segment once again. Jordan has hoodwinked me. It's a good product. Did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERG-N11? Yes, I will.
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So I'm determined to come out ahead, but I'm going to let it go for now. But yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Oh, quick advice. Where does the hair go?
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Well, guess what? Yeah. That's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah. I could sell that. They sell Elvis's sweat. I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.
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Someone's been listening and they're on the line? Yes. That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting. What if I can sell my nose hair? Let's patch through. Hello, this is... I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, are you there?
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Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but... Okay. I'll take, you know what? I'm going to take day. I'm not going to get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been, I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils. And I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair.
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Is that something that you would ever consider?
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When you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond.
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Yeah, you know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. And I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie. What's your occupation?
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Seriously? Yeah. So this is good because I'm sitting here. I do this show occasionally with, I guess I'm going to call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is. Jordan Schlansky. Are you familiar with him at all?
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Okay. People seem to know him. A lot of people stop me and ask me, what's the deal with Jordan? And I want to say that I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist?
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yes and so you are trained to understand um the human psyche the mind behavioral patterns you've probably done personality uh tell me and and jordan's here you can say hello hello stephanie yeah what what is your take on jordan schlansky hello
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Oh, that was a that was a pause. Oh, my God. That's not good. That's not a good sign. I thought we had I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say. That's stunning.
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Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you want to have any questions for Jordan?
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Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos. Let's imagine, you know, Jordan, you've seen his videos and he walks into the office. Um, and, uh, let's get to it.
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Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview.
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I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species.
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You're talking you're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically. And and, you know. Well, I feel content.
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What I want to say, Jordan, is that you are not you say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien.
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Excuse me. I'm going to let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance.
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I supported your train of thought. All I mentioned was Tracee Ellis Ross was the previous person here. All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracee Ellis Ross interview. Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats.
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So you're saying, so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy. 40% of people despise you. 40% are fine with you, and then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?
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Stephanie, let me ask you quickly. You're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan, a lot of words, a lot of sing-songy cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing, too?
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So you're saying that maybe I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying.
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Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid your salary.
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Yes, it's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you, what a lovely jail, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie?
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Sure, as all aliens do when they visit.
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I did do that recently, Stephanie. So he was sitting way across from me on an airplane flight. And I yelled across. We were on a shooting a travel show and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face and it was just had no expression. It was lifeless. It was a mask.
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And I had I mean, I was sitting on an airplane.
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I think American Airlines deserved more. They do a good job and you could have given them something. And so I needed to the pond was too placid and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie?
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There was no magic. I just saw a weird face across the aisle wearing the same T-shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead. And it was annoying. Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can go ahead.
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So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late Night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire.
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I usually say we think it's a childhood accident. Yeah. That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to they they just nod and go, yeah. You know, and I say I don't really know what it was, if it was, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back and it took out some kind of traumatic brain injury. Yeah. Yeah.
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You know, those X-rays you see where there's a skull and there's a the the the giant spike going right through it. But they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer. That's I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there.
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But because someone in a Ford F-150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think?
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I'm sorry. It's the Conan and Jordan show and it's on the Conan channel.
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OK, so I guess that would make me the judge.
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It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice. Who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice.
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Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?
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I love that that's coming from. Oh, my God.
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That settles it. Thank you very much, Stephanie. You're a wonderful person. And thank you. Thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question. And that's science. That's real science right there. Yeah, clearly that I'm better than you. And Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you.
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She was lovely. She was. And also, I think she she nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.
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We didn't know. Yeah, we didn't know. It was an accident. It was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart? Yeah. and deduce that you are the monstrous freak that you are. Hey, that's all the time we have for now. Okay. And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore. So I'm going to wrap this up.
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Do you say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts.
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That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan show. I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things. And then a pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses. Clearly a sound psychological opinion. We'll see you next time.
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This is your big reward. Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96. I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up. Shut up. Kind of like a Trumpy voice. Shut up. You're fired. You know, that kind of Trump thing. You're fired. Right. Right. Isn't that a funny impression?
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I'm just saying that you're sitting here now. Yeah. You are one half of a show that's on SXM, and you should be grateful for that. Yeah, I am. Do you see other interns that you started with? These things are not mutually exclusive. The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You are here with your own show on the SiriusXM dial. Okay. Okay? Yes. So just settle down. Sure.
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Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting. Okay. You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening. Because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest. That's true. Where you write a limerick. I wrote a limerick.
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I'm saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense. I was talking about what you did do.
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I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest. And at that time, you wrote a limerick. I did. As part of the contest. You liked your limerick. And I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh, yes.
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I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good... You entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize?
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You get to own a pub. Even better. And can you imagine... Owning a pub. I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. Right. Fantastic. It could be a dream. That's like having a, you know, an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win. Is that correct?
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It's not on. It's not on. It's so funny. I just thought, wow, he really has no personality. I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again. Say hi. Hi. You got to leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you, and I prefer it the other way. Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics. I'm not sorry. Uh...
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I was never notified about any development one way or the other. Well, I have the information here. Okay. And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered? Somewhere around there. Guinness Essay Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington.
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I think near the San Juan Islands. Yeah, the San Juan Islands, which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride. Great wine in Washington State, by the way. Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator. She won. She entered the contest and she won... The Schoenecke Pub in County Clare. She won a pub. Oh, well, there's a picture. There she is. Oh, yeah.
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She won the contest that you failed to win. And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest. And she won.
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Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things, and it's all-encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this, and you've talked to Guinness, and they said that the contest that Jordan entered it did not have to be a limerick.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay. They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh. And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious. Still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin. Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy. So, Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is nice. And I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do? It's important. I set this up. You did? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class and you're doing that all wrong. It's making me insane. Anyway, that's okay. That's all right. I don't have a glass because you only look after number one. Oh, you have a glass. You just didn't want to share it with me. That's great. When I said that was all sarcastic, I don't really think it's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out, navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fistfight should break out. That's right. You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together? Approximately 30. Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and fretted your life away. Sure. You have built me a relationship. incredible amount of money.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not going to touch that line with a 30 foot pole.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on any Guinness glass and you imagine on the first pour, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass and you go up to the harp and then you wait for the head to settle. Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience, but then you finish it up and I'll do that in just a minute.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice. Yeah. And I think they just, if I'm not wrong, Guinness, we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes and we were each paid one can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
How do you know why I haven't been paid off? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galili on the coast of Gali Balali. So I wouldn't put anything past him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment, I see now why you lost the contest as a beer hater. Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah. I once tasted something I hated and then I knew I was faded. And then this rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this. Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a pub. That's so cool. Sounds a little bit like a headache, though. Not at all. No, no, no. There's never any problems in an Irish pub. All right. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We're going to take a little break. Okay. We'll come back with more of the Conan and Jordan show. And we're going to have show and tell. We're going to have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting. Jordan, show and tell. Okay. Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you. That's correct. And you want to show it to us?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to The Conan and Jordan Show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, there's no other better way to say it, my nemesis, my foe, someone who over the years has irritated me to an incredible degree, Mr. Jordan Schlansky. Hi. Did you, is your microphone on?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now. Did you say I built you money or I've milked you? Bulked. Bulked. B-I-L-K-E-D. As in Sergeant Bilko, as in bilked him. I took him for a ride. I squeezed him for cash.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So this, let me explain to the viewer. You've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay. And it's a Panasonic. Yeah. And this is from the 90s, 2000s?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Nevertheless... If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
To cut a tiny little gun and shot its brains out. LAUGHTER Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I don't think so. There's always a camera present.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Why bring up Harvard? Who gives a shit about that in the comedy world?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And we were we were just howling. It was so funny. I mean, you weren't laughing. Good. I think you just didn't understand what's happening. You were just a confused robot. But it was so funny. I love that Italy episode. I hope people check it out. Yeah, it's really, really a lot of fun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I loved it. I loved Buenos Aires. Yeah, I loved it. We had some delicious steak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
The steak there is fantastic. And I was really enjoying the meal. And we shot one of those meals. I think you annoyed me a lot during that meal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yes, we did. Yeah. Maybe the angriest I've been on camera at you. How familiar are you with the culture?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And I'm chewing and I'm furious at the same time. And you can see an anger in my eyes. You'd have to watch, I don't know, you'd have to watch a movie about the devil to see that much anger in someone's eyes, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I took you to Japan. Oh, yes. That's the angriest I've seen you. You got very angry because you and I had a traditional meal. Oh, kaiseki. Please. Yeah. We had kaiseki and we were wearing the robes and we were kneeling at the little small table. They were bringing us the various dishes. You started to go on and on about the film Karate Kid 2.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And you expounded on what made it so special as it was shot. In this particular part of Japan. Okinawa. Okinawa. Island. And then I produced, once you had really dug your own grave thoroughly, I produced a video that I brought with me of Ralph Macchio, the star of Karate Kids.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Macchio. Yeah, Macchio. Machio. But anyway, I produced a video of him telling you that, no, they shot that in the United States. It was not shot in Japan. Apparently it was shot in Hawaii. Okay. So you, in that moment, looked like a fool. Oh. And I had set the trap perfectly. And you got... Admit it. You got angry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Really mad because you started to say, oh, oh, oh, I guess if I had a booker, I could book someone like Ralph Macchio. And I said, Macchio, and you said, Macchio, I could get a booker. I could get a booker. Oh, big talk show. You were angry. You were angry. You were frustrated and angry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
So, Jordan, let's recap. Yeah. Your entire fascination with Japan stems from the fact that you saw Karate Kid 2. Yeah. And then it was filmed in where? Okinawa. Okinawa. I have a message here for you. Please press play. And hold that out to the camera as you watch it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You can't yell at someone. You're my friend. You're my friend. I'm just stating a fact. This is not. I asked you to give me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It was Hawaii. Thank you, Ralph Macchio. You fraud. You fraud. I think right now you're in shock. Yes, I am in shock. And you're going to try and talk yourself out of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
OK, if you hear that song, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show or just randomly playing with the knobs on your radio. I am Conan O'Brien and I am sitting here with Jordan Schlansky, who has been in my employ for many, many years as an associate producer. Never quite figured out. what he does for me, but we've had a lot of adventures together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Your childhood hero just came out of my phone and took a shit into your mouth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, I can get to Ralph Macchio.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Right now, you sound like an insane stalker. We have footage of you with your eyes as wide as an owl saying, I can get to Macchio. I can get to him. I can get to Macchio.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't care if they're my friend or not. And I'll tell you something else. I asked you to name specific times when we hung out in a social occasion that didn't involve us doing any kind of media project. You failed. You failed completely or wasn't work related. No, you and I don't hang out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It was more than eight minutes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm sorry. We were all hungry. You said eight minutes. It was not even close to eight minutes. And the bus kept driving and driving and driving. And then we're going up a big hill. And then I was there, too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I don't think I became infuriated. I did not turn into the Hulk. Yes. My my shirt didn't rip. No, I didn't. Certainly I didn't suddenly go from, you know, you know, regular actor. What's his name? Bill Bixby. I didn't suddenly go from Bill Bixby to Lou Ferrigno. That's not what happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, everyone says that's not how they pronounce it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No. Because he was Danish. What? Danish?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
When was the last time you and I went out to the to the clubs and did the electric boogaloo together? That doesn't happen. You know, so I don't know what these times are you're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm just saying that you do everything you can to mispronounce things just to be an a-hole.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It's Boxby. No. What do you mean he's a tortured soul in real life? How do you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
All right. Well, listen, this is neither here nor there. I didn't get that enraged, but you did lie about how long it took to get to the restaurant. But we had a wonderful, magical dinner, I'd like to think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
When we finally got there, it was... Antique bicycles. When we finally got there, it was nice. Yes. I... I've traveled the world with you. Yes. And I want to say I thank you for your companionship. Oh, you're welcome. Thank you for yours. Very good. You studied earthlings long enough to know that that's the correct response.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. Yeah. Do you practice at home with pillows? You draw faces on them? No, I don't. And say, well, thank you. Thank you very much. I do appreciate that. Oh, and good to see you as well, sir. How are you? Nice to be here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You know, there was when they put you as a baby into the ship and sent you hurtling towards Earth. Right. Because your own planet was exploding. You had a lot of time on screens to watch us and learn kind of in your own way how we interact.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, that was fantastic. That you're not like us, but you've learned to blend.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Where would you like to go in the future with me? The future Conan? Where would you like to go? Where would you like to travel? Yes. Well, in fact, uh, I've got six, uh, an order for six more of these travel shows. And, um, yeah, I'm curious. Is there any, do you have any requests?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Why do you want to have all these romantic experiences with me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Romantic is how you connect with someone who you have a romantic sexual interest with. Why sexual?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, wait a minute. What? If I said to my wife, I'm leaving on a very romantic trip with Jordan, she would laugh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
She would laugh. She would think that's silly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Or even just on foot. No, no, you don't get into a... You don't get into a... I'm gallivanting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You don't get into a Honda Accord and gallop off into the distance. It just doesn't happen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I don't picture any of that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, I don't want to gallivant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Oh, my God. It's called shtad. No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And then, of course, I've been there. Listen to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I am not a homophobic person at all. OK, you have to. And I think you know that about me. I absolutely know. But I don't. I reject your advances. I reject. I'm not advancing. You just said, come with me to the Dolomites.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm proposing. I'm making a proposition. I call it an indecent proposal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And so you and I walked through the park and we walked.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
What I'm saying is- Wait, so I'm curled like a shrimp in my corner and you're curled like a shrimp in your corner?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Wait, we have to be together on the rug?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Don't worry about the expense.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
To me, they are very important. You said we're curled up. Now, to everyone in the room, that means we're together. Our bodies are touching.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
If they are touching, which areas are touching?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I think I'm dwelling on a very important fact.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
OK. I can't picture it. The most I can picture is that I'm in an armchair, a leather armchair on one side of the room. You're on the leather armchair on the other side of the room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I like it. And also I want like a Japanese screen between us. And that's it. Okay. And then I just find your description to be a little strange.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I don't want to run through a field. There's a gopher hole. You break your ankle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I mean, yeah, if you say brown, I think of the color brown. If you say yellow, I think of the color yellow. But if you say 1983, I don't think of yellow. You don't think of yellow? Why would you think of yellow?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm getting us out of here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Okay. You have an MRI and they need to inject dye and then they need to do a kind of imaging where they can see- That's called with contrast. Magnetic resonance imaging. Yeah. Then you'll see the colors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Did you know that we're out of time means I'm ending this right now? Okay. Thank you very much, Jordan. It's been a really great episode of the Conan and Jordan show, or it's been an episode of sorts. I don't know. That's a great one. What are we playing right now? Oh, this is the lonely man theme.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
This is the song they would play with Bill Bixby as Bruce Banner.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And he's walking away and he's alone because if anything infuriates him, he turns into the Hulk. He can't exist in human society. This is the theme that should play When you wander alone in Europe with no one to talk to. And when you rent a castle and there's a fireplace and some cheese, but I'm not there. There's no one to cuddle with.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Of course, you forgot to invite your wife, who, by the way, is very beautiful and cool. But you didn't think to bring her with you on this romantic getaway because you thought maybe your podcast co-host would be there. And it's very sad. This is the song that plays. Thank you
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
But there was a Shakespeare in the park. Usually those are enclosed. You can't just walk.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I remember you photographing. I lived at the Majestic at the time and you photographed it. You took a nice photo of it, which I still have. I remember this now. Yeah, it was- That's, and by the way, this wasn't us being friends. I asked you to take, that's why we were together was to take that photo. I think I paid you for that photo. Okay. So this was a gig.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I paid you because you're a photographer to take a picture of my apartment late at night because I was going to give it to my wife framed. And you did. And we got a bite to eat first. And you turned it into this this this date.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
All joking around, or I think your preferred term is joshing. All joshing aside, you and I, we've had some good times together. You do get on my nerves. I can't fake that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
um i do find you to be kind of absurd um inhuman in a lot of ways a free thinker what's that i'm a free thinker i may not fit into the mold of uh the characters that we play as humans you just don't seem human to me you're like a cigarette machine yeah um that's malfunctioning you pull on it you're trying to get a pack of cigarettes and uh you know some molasses comes out you seem a little bit of the something's wrong in your cuckoo tree but but that's neither here nor there uh i have
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
wave the magic wand of fame at your direction and you have become a known personality you're welcome as a result you did an interview recently with the online entertainment publication collider is that right yes i did it was this last week uh no this was not last week no but it's right here last week does it really matter when though i mean it was recent right i mean i'm saying to get hung up on details like two weeks ago
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Your girlfriend in college was in Canada, wasn't she?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It's an old thing where people would say, do you have a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, she's in Canada. And of course, that's code for she doesn't exist. No. So did you do an interview with Collider? I did. Was it approved by my people?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
People often ask me about you. Oh. People say, how's Jordan doing? And then they also want to know what's the deal with that guy. And so you're a regular part of my life. You come up a lot. That's flattering. Yeah. Yeah. And not so flattering the way they ask it, but
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You're part of the Conan machine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And you're out talking about Conan O'Brien must go. Yeah. My show on Max currently running. And you have the nerve to do your own interview.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Was it cleared with Cruz? Was it cleared with Frank? Did you clear it with Ross? Did you clear it with Eduardo?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm one of the people that needs to know. Yes. I never heard a thing about this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, I'm going to assume that it's fine. Yeah. And I'm sorry I flew off the handle. I've been under a lot of pressure lately launching the.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Would you say that to Stalin? Would you say to Stalin?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm sure, Comrade Stalin, you wish people to speak freely here in the Soviet Union. No, he didn't. He wanted absolute control, which is what I want.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And I have things to say about- No one with deep thoughts says I have deep thoughts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
How did it go, the Collider interview? Frank, how did it go? Well, let's take a look. We have a clip here. Oh, here we go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
So you're saying there's been an evolution in our relationship?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Jordan, you don't have to keep qualifying it to say we're humans. It really does give the impression that you're new to this whole human thing. I see. And it puts people off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You know, it really does create that image that you came here about nine years ago and were put into this shell, this form in order to observe us and then report back to the mothership. Yeah. Well, I thought what you said was fairly accurate. You realize you still are under my employ under my aegis. I could crush you with my thumb if I wished a bug that I am observing. You amuse me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
uh the point is um we're we're shackled together for better or worse we didn't choose this life but nevertheless here we find ourselves yes and we're not we're very well said yeah uh and i do enjoy doing these shows with you i like spending time with you short amounts of time that are controlled you know you get on my nerves sometimes and i'm told i get on your nerves
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'll let you live for now, but maybe right now we'll squish. There you go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. Should we take a look at the next one?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I thought you did a good job. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, I have one comment. First of all, you said some lovely things there, but before we get to that, you've got to change your background the next time you do a professional interview. Yes. Because the angle's all wrong. We're looking up at a, look at that. That's a mess. And that looks like you've made a, quickly made a video to try and get help.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Okay, well, look how that beam is coming out of your head. And it does look like you've drawn the shade so you can cut up a body. So... Let's move on to what you said. I right back at you, buddy. I have enjoyed our travels together. You do enrage me at times. But what I have found is as infuriating as you are in person, when we go to these exotic lands together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You're still the same person, but suddenly the quality of the food we're having is much better. And we're in Buenos Aires. Right. You know what I mean? Or we're in Tokyo. And so that sort of makes it all go down a little easier. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I see. I prefer you in a foreign land, preferably if I'm not with you. So- But I agree with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yes, we come across as these two people who are always at each other's throats. And I do enjoy traveling with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yes, endure. And even, may I say, thrive as humans and as animals. Yeah. OK, we're going to take a little break. We'll be right back. Okay, welcome back to the Conan and Jordan show. I'm sitting here with Jordan. Jordan, as you're well aware, the travel shows on Max have been well received. We went to four countries. You came along with me on one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And it reminded me that one of the reasons I brought you along on the Argentine episode was that You and I had traveled before, and we had a really good time. We went to Italy together. Now, of all the travel shows we did before Max, I think one of my favorites was Italy, just for the sheer fun and silliness of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
There was a lot of just kooky comedy. Do you remember going together to Italy? No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Does your wife know that you like to travel alone?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
What's your favorite thing about the trip that we took? We went to Florence. Did you like that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Or Firenze, you like to call it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Okay. Nevertheless... Of course, Naples, Napoli.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, your definition of intimate and mine is quite different.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
uh i'm glad that you were moved yeah i wish you'd kept moving okay uh but a little quip there but um we had a good time we enjoyed many foods together yes uh there's a segment where you and i are driving around in a little car and i'm playing um obscene sounds on a little sound machine yes uh that made me really laugh i to this day i can't see that without laughing that that has some background to it like you would drive around by yourself listening to
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
But can I say something I'd like to just bring up just for the record? Oh, I'm sorry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Did you guys watch the OJ trial?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah, I think he's a murderer. And I'm not sure I buy what he's selling. Do you respect me? Because and here's what I'm going to say. There's tons of footage of him criticizing. my skin, the shape of my face. He sometimes more than implies that I've put on a little weight that I, he calls me, uh, I think he's referred to me as the beast and the monster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah. OK, well, if we could cut that, I would. But I don't know that we have the money to edit. I'm just going to let it sit there. Just well, you brought you brought up the subject. So I just brought it up. Oh, there's no need to expand. What if you'd been sitting next to Lincoln when he gave the Gettysburg Address? Four score and seven years.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Um, you're presenting this information with no context.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Only an alien keeps saying I'm a human being and not a robot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Jordan went into great detail once, doctors, about how he thought that I was in great shape because he reviews all the footage. And then, well, my monitor is going up now. And then he said that there was a period of time, like a two-year period, where he thought I gained weight. And he said, it sickened me to look at you during that period of time. Did you not say that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You said there were periods in the late night show when you thought I gained weight, probably in the early 2000s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You know what happened is I got married and I was very happy after years and years of trying to find the right partner. I gave up and married this woman. No, kidding. I found my wife very happy. And she was cooking me all this great food. And yeah, I probably put on a little weight. My face got a little round. I started to resemble Ted Kennedy in the late 80s. And Jordan was quite, I see it now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You have to take that thing off. It's just going crazy. It's like a smoke alarm in the towering inferno. You just need to take it off. But I see now, because of your help, that you were, as a friend, I think, rather than just making fun of me, you were telling me as a friend something that no one else, Jeff Ross, isn't going to say you gained a little weight. Paula Davis isn't going to say that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
They're all yes people. They just, whatever's good. But you, you were trying to tell me the truth. Do you respect that? I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'd just like to point out, of course, that four score and seven years ago, of course, that's a shorthand. He is referring to the Declaration of Independence. And, you know, no, Lincoln didn't need someone to expand. Well, this is a radio show and I do have a microphone in front of me. So the implication is I'm supposed to speak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I wish he hadn't said the word grotesque. And he called me the beast and the monster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Oh, it's stuck in my mind quite clearly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I'm going to speak purely as a professional. It's not as funny. When we're being really mean to each other, people are laughing. Right. When I'm hearing Jordan and appreciating him and he's telling me he respects me, I just see an empty audience and I panic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And when they see you, there's actually no data on that. Yeah, I think there's a lot of data on it. Well, we've looked for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And I think this is important to review some of the more toxic areas. Okay. I'm going to say that you have made fun of the way I sometimes don't get all the hairs on my neck shaved.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I do things quickly. I'm always in a rush, very type A. I take quick swipes with the razor. Also, I now predominantly, you know, work in radio. The lenses here aren't that exact. My wife, you know, Doesn't get to see me up close too much. She's grown very distant. That's not true. I just threw it in there to see if I could pique your attention.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I spent half an hour trying to saw that microphone off its stand because I want to do a radio show with you where you don't have a microphone. That's what I would like. Jordan, part of our appeal, if we can call it that, some of the fascination is that people can tell that my irritation with you is real. I see. Do you agree with that? I mean, there is... This is not for me to assess.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
But I don't think she's getting a good look at my face anymore. She saw it. She liked it in 1999. It was enough. It was enough. Thank you. Thank you, John. It was more than enough. And so that's why he is very much into manscaping. Stop. Stop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Are you saying that I could make Jordan sick?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
By putting him down? Yes. Well, this is fantastic. Thank you. Giving you a weapon? You just handed, yes. You are such a rascal. Well, I am. That's the nicest way to put it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So by holding contempt for Jordan, I'm also damaging my own immune system. I'm lowering its ability to fight infection. That's right. So this is this is self-defeating.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You're implying the hair is growing out so much I could braid it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
High profile area. I am a very masculine man and I know you're going to stop me in a second and say this isn't relevant, Conan, but I would like to say in my own defense, I am, for a man my age, I think pulsating with testosterone, I pump out a lot of facial hair very quickly. I think sometimes that's not my fault.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And for you to attack me for being one of the most masculine men you know is, I think, probably unfair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He wants you to be quiet about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
uh i will not mention it to anyone else nor nor you well you also tend to uh mention it when there are cameras and microphones around wouldn't it be fair to approach me quietly and say conan you have a long tuft it looks like a ponytail coming out of four pores to the right of your adam's apple and i'll i will uh take care i'll seek out the proper authority so you prefer i pull you aside
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
It's not a bit, is what I'm saying. There's no way I could invent this contentious relationship. This is not wrestling. This is real. You're constantly getting under my skin. You and I have had many issues over the years. For a long time, I didn't know what you did on the show. Okay. I'm just being kind because I still don't know why you're working for me. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I love that you refer to light and the mirror as technology. Jordan, my personal appearance is one of the things that we have trouble with. Another thing that we have difficulty with is that Jordan loves to expand as he did on the phrase doctors. I find that insulting because you're both doctors. You're both highly educated. You're very successful, highly intelligent people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And then this guy is telling you the Latin root, what it comes from and what it means. Everywhere we go. I love it. Me too. You like it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Here's the one thing I'm going to say, Julie. Okay. If it's okay. He's often wrong. The information he told you, I would look it up because there's a 75% chance he's wrong. He has held forth and expounded on where Karate Kid 2 was filmed, wrong. The origins of pizza, what you're allowed to drink with pizza. He said, you don't drink wine with pizza if you're doing it correctly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He was corrected in Italy by the people making the pizza that, yes, you drink wine with pizza. He's constantly, You're wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Oh, man, that was humiliating. Right. And Ralph Macchio, who played the Karate Kid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Um, and you've committed, I think some crimes, you know, you've purchased expensive equipment that you yourself used and you charged it to the show. You came in late for a while. Uh, you've traveled the world with me or a know-it-all you've I've caught you many times saying the wrong thing. Uh, and you never backed down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I'm going to point out something because I'm still wearing my monitor because it hasn't been beeping at all. Yours has exploded and blue foam is coming out of it every time it gets near you. It does not recognize you as a person. Mine, during his whole rant when he was yelling at me, went down to below 90 to 89. Interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
My heart rate, I think I have so little regard for his opinion that it's almost like he's a hat rack to me. I'm not saying this is correct. I know what I'm saying is terrible. And these are the confessions of probably a Ted Bundy hours before his death. But I... My heart rate went down when you were yammering and jabbering because I thought I was just looking at a chimp in the zoo, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And so I was calmed and pleased. Okay, pause. Now, if you're going to try and say chimp in the zoo is an insult, I think you're way off base. And I know that John's with me on this one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Very good. My wife would do that. My wife would do that because she's very grammatically correct all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
We're not in a courtroom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Let me tell Julie and John one thing, which is that we were recently in Buenos Aires together. It wasn't for work. It was a romantic getaway. And he kept referring to the famous dance, the tango, as the tango. Now, and he got in my face and said, it's called the tango. Everybody in Argentina backed me up and said, no, we call it the tango. And he went, please, it's the tango.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, it's not the tango. So it's not that your whole premise is wrong, that you have the correct information. And isn't it kind of you to share it with me? Yeah. you're wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, no, I would. And this is one of the questions I wanted to ask you is, is there a part in your book where you actually say it's OK for me to start hitting Jordan? Is it is physical violence probably usually discouraged, right? Probably so.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What if I hired someone to do it? I don't get my hands dirty.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And, um, here we are after all these years and I don't feel we've made any progress. Do you think we're making progress? I didn't know we were attempting to make progress.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Jordan, please don't put me down. Okay. I groom quickly. I don't take the great care that you take with your groomings. I don't have all of the equipment you have or the oils or the balms or the waxes. Careful. You're right. I have to tell you, you're right. I was starting to get into judgment. Yes, you were.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And you know what? I appreciate that. I did not feel insulted.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Oh, yes. Trust me. I was cranking up the catapult. Oh, yeah. Pulling it back. I was pulling it way back. And then I was going to hurl a giant boulder at your castle and destroy it. You're wearing like a wizard's hat. You're up in a tower. Too much information. My point is that I, I groom quickly and I don't often take the same care that you take because you are very fastidious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He's very fastidious about his grooming and I'm not putting him down, but he has all kinds of products. He mostly for grooming. He has other products for various, uh, other practices of his, which I find a moral, but, uh, that's his thing and I'm not going to judge it. So whatever, uh, sexual stuff he's into, but my point is, um, I don't take the same care you do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I don't have the same standard of beauty, the same cannon of beauty that you have. So I just have to say, when you constantly point these things out to me, I feel less than I feel, uh, I get into a defensive crouch. I think I grew up in an environment. I've talked about this a lot, but I come from a very large Irish Catholic family. the son of very, very intelligent, educated people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I would like us to not fight all the time. Is that possible?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And yet for some reason, we fought like animals. We threw potatoes at each other. We really did. I saw my mother throw a potato at all of us once. It's the only thing we had around. We just had so many goddamn potatoes. We've been in the country for a while and they're very well-educated people, but they brought the country with them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And my point is that I often felt attacked and I learned growing up sarcasm, passive aggression, my verbal judo chops would be the way that I would get through life. And then along comes this big block of wood that's just perfectly made for a judo chop. Do you know? I mean, you've seen the karate, karate, sorry, Jordan, masters chop a board in half.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Verbally, my whole emotional reaction to things in life is a judo chop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
attack before you can be attacked and then in comes this inanimate large um block of wood block just a block just a giant block of wood that's what he is he's it's not like you know having a conversation with a block of wood you know what i'm saying so and so i just chop away and that's what i do to you jordan and it's probably not always fair conan can i point out something
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What does that mean? You're bringing up a sexual connotation now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think so. You think there's some caring in there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think there is a lot. You know what he wants? He wants his paycheck. I mean, I know that sounds crass, but I am his employer. We aren't husband and wife yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Three decades. Three decades, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You and I. Whenever I'm intimate with someone, it quickly becomes sexual.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He's unemployable. No, no, seriously. And you told me that because of your actions that are out on the web, you are seen as unemployable. Yes? There have been... Why don't you get back to your point, Julie? I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. That's right. You know what I did? I... I went again on the attack. And again, the old judo chop. And I apologize, doctor. Please go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And John, you were right to stop me. I was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, you're intimate with me. Yeah. And I'm afraid it's going to get sexual very quickly. Okay. I'm already aroused. I'll be honest with you. Okay. I mean, nothing's happened down there in four years. So this is a huge, huge deal for me. It's like a zombie waking up after a long sleep. Jordan, I would like to get along with you. Okay. Would you like the same thing? I think we do get along.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I don't let any of those in. No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Let me ask both of you. I would like you to give your assessment, and this may be selfish to take Jordan out of the equation, but Assess me. You've watched a lot of tape, probably against your will, but you had to because you were coming on here. Do you see a damaged man? And I want to start with you, John. I want to make sure you get your- No, I don't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think I'm, I disagree. I think I'm very badly damaged, a madman maybe. But I do think humor saved me from actually committing crimes, you know? Yeah, I understand. From going on the loose and leaving a trail from...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
We both feel that. And you feel that love is coming from Jordan, but I'm blocking it with humor. That's right. Right. And put downs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
With my... He's objectively... He was wrong about where they shot Karate Kid 2. Objectively wrong. They shot it in Los Angeles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, I still remembered him being wrong. Okay. It came back like a train coming at me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What are you talking about? All we do is I mean, we're two friends and I don't think we're friends. I'm your boss. You have both of these. Those are there are barriers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
We are friends. We are friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I pay you. OK. And I wish you did as I told you to do. OK. But yes. And if that still means we're friends, then yes. And I dream of firing you. OK. But we're still friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So, um... If Jordan and I, let's say in another universe, because I don't think it's going to happen in this lifetime, but let's say we got along, people wouldn't be fascinated. It's because they see us taking chunks out of each other that it becomes... It's a wrestling match. It's a wrestling match, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
A very strong wrestler against a very, well, bodily shaved wrestler, but one that's very weak and has bad information. Careful. You're right. That could have almost become an insult.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And are you going to be us in this conversation?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
In terms of communication. Idealized versions of us. Idealized versions of us. Okay. And an idealized version of me is apparently me. Communication. So who's Conan and who's Jordan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Listen, I don't know what kind of response you're looking for. OK, Jordan, let me ask you something and be completely honest with the viewers. I do have people that say to me, oh, this must be some kind of bit. This must be some kind of thing that they work out. We have never worked anything out. That is absolutely true. Well, I would like us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He once threw a cyclotron at me. Go get her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What? I don't hate my father. I love my father. My father's a great guy. And? I respect him. I love him. He threw those test tubes at me for a reason. I was acting up. This is on me. It wasn't my dad. I was way out of line. Dad, I'm sorry. I think we should try it right now. Oh, yeah. So, Jordan, why don't you try and talk to me the same way that these two just talked. Let's try it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, it doesn't. I'd never want to hear that stuff, ever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Jordan, take it in. I never want to hear it. Oh, you never want to hear it. I never want to hear it. I should not even ask. Exactly. I see. Yeah. There's no like, well, it depends on the moment. All this information I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
have just goes to waste yeah it mostly it's it's mostly shit it's not good and i'm sorry listen i'm sorry that seemed harsh julie i'm sorry um uh it's not factually correct most of it and um i think you're just shooting from the hip uh so no i don't need to hear it um i can always and trust me i have their phones you can look up everything you need to know right now and uh and it will tell me well sometimes you don't know what you don't know right jordan yes let me ask you something yes why is it so important to you
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm at a stage in my life, God knows if I have much time left, and I would like to make progress. I'd like to make peace. And there are, I don't know, there might be 50 hours online of you and I bickering that circulates the globe at all times. And I would like to stop the cycle if I could.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
This is also a different thing. I want to grab one thing just so there's no love my dad. Dad, not the problem, not the issue. My brother, Neil... Man, and Neil, if you're listening, and I know he's a listener, he was older than me and he would sit on top of me and I couldn't move and he would laugh. And yeah, he would laugh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He did it two years ago when I visited. Yes. You know, and I had to call the police. Neil, if you're listening, that really got my goat. My father, a great man, great man and very lovely and a sweet man. There's some issues. Everyone has issues with their father and their mother. Of course they do. Okay. But listen, I won't have my father slandered on this show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And that you're not replaceable. I just point out, I think I'm not replaceable, you know, sort of a once in a hundred year talent, um, like a Haley's Comet, if you will, in comedy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And my point is, I think of you as, you know, an Ikea trundle bed, you know, that, OK, this one broke. I'll get another one. Right, right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I would like you and I to get along and figure out what is it maybe I'm doing, but mostly what is it you're doing? Like me, maybe 10%, you 90%. You're like the iceberg on the Titanic. Really, you're the one that's at fault. You're the one that tore the side off my ship. And now all those women and children, men are going to die. But anyway, again, your iceberg, mostly your fault.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He didn't notice it. Yeah, he didn't notice it. And then he controls the paperwork, so he probably just gave himself a raise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yes. I mean, and to be fair, especially with the money part, that's mostly goes to me. Like it's, I am, you know, this is just another thing. I don't know that you see a lot of money from this. No, no, I don't. But I, you know, I mean, I haven't seen your house, but mine's just, it's insane. Well, we're not equal. Of course you are superior and I am inferior.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
11 of your houses would go into my house. And we might do that as a bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Thank you so much. I was told this was an erotic novel. What's going on in there? This is excellent. I want to thank you very much. And my eternal thanks to the Gottmans for being here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Thank you, Frank. And our job, Jordan, we're both going to read this book. And I would actually like to hit you with this. So that might be the way that I use it. No, that's Neil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, he's really strong. He might hit back. I want to thank you both very much. You both are, all joking aside, very good at what you do. Oh, it's been a pleasure. We just may be a lost cause. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. That's been this very just fascinating for me episode of The Conan and Jordan Show. And thank you for tuning in. And we'll see you next time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You struck me, ended up getting hurt in the process. It was dark. Right. It was dark. Right. It was very dark. There was no technology. Yes, but you knew it would be dark. It's not a surprise that it was dark. Darkness happens. There's day and there's night. It was a maiden voyage my first time at sea. And I didn't know that the night came on so darkly in the North Atlantic area.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You fucking iceberg. You came along and you weren't lying there. You were, of course, everything floats and moves in a current. You came hurtling down from the north and you smashed into me. I was having a good time. Bowen Yang does a wonderful sketch on this where he's the iceberg and claiming it's not his fault. Uh, no, it was the iceberg. I disagree with Bowen Yang.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
How long have we been shooting remotes and things together, Jordan? You've worked for me for how many years? Approximately 30 years. Okay. And we started shooting things... I don't know, like 20 years ago, maybe? 15 to 20. Okay. I like that you always give a range. It's really not completely relevant. I think it is. I am educating. Listen, I go anywhere in the world.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay. My point is you're large and inanimate. You're frozen to the touch. I'm a mesomorph. I'm medium. What's that? You're large.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I've never heard an iceberg speak so, you know, insanely about their body type. I think icebergs float around and say I'm a mesomorph. No, they don't. The point I'm trying to make is that I have drifted through my career peacefully with little friction. I'm a high class operation, beautifully built ship. And then this lunky piece of ice slammed into me and ruined everything. So let's fix this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Are you ready to fix it? Sure. I am. Now, I'd like to introduce Frank Smiley. Hello. Who's the producer of the Conan and Jordan show. I have to keep looking to make sure that that's actually the name. I'm glad my name is first. Right. Well, this is a very special episode.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
By the way, I don't know what's going on. And you know what I love? You never know what's going on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
They also, I'll mention it now. I'll mention it again as a plug. This has nothing to do with what we're doing, but it actually has everything to do with what we're doing. They have a book. called Fight Right. They are such experts. They've written a book. It's all about how to fight correctly. And these are experts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I mean, these might be the two foremost authorities on fighting conflict resolution partners. You and I are partners. We didn't ask to be, but we've been thrust together into this situation. And I think there's a good chance the Gottmans, do you agree, Frank? The Gottmans, if anyone can help us, it's the Gottmans.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Here they come. Here they come. Oh, hello there. How are you? Do I call you Julie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Dr. Julie and Dr. John. I'd stand, but I met you already and my legs don't work. That's enough. One standing for you guys was enough. Do I call you Dr. Julie, Dr. John? What do you like? John Julie. OK. All right. Well, listen, let me start by saying I don't respect what we do in the studio.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And so when people like yourselves who are real professionals take time in to come in and help us, it's it's a blessing. Yeah, it's really nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I did not get that. I did not get that. I saw them shoot kindness towards you, and what I received was a hostility. And mixed with indifference. Let me start by saying thank you very much, Drs. Gottman, for being here. You really do know your stuff, and it's thrilling to be in the room with you because...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm sitting here with my friend Jordan, and I'd like to start by saying, how aware are you of my relationship with Jordan Slansky? Have you viewed any of the footage? Yeah, we both have.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I was just in Ireland shooting some stuff for Max. It used to be called HBO. Then someone said, no, that name's too cool. Let's call it Max. So anyway, I was shooting something for them in Dublin and people were coming up to me on the street and saying, where's Jordan? People all over the world know that you and I have this fraught relationship.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What are you talking about here? This gentleman, John, just held up two strange devices. I don't know if those are legal. I don't know if they're sexual in nature.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
That's what I said to my wife on our wedding night. This will not shock you or stimulate you. Sorry, that's terrible. Oh, this is cool. I've put this pulsometer on my pulse oximeter. I'm sorry, pulse oximeter. Right. And tell us what a pulse oximeter does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm sorry. Why is yours going off right away?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, can I point out quickly? We're not sure he's from Earth. We don't know. He may have six Vulcan hearts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Fascinating. Don't hide it. Yeah. Don't hide it. You are. You set off that alarm immediately and you're sitting in a chair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You might have to take that off. We should take that off for a second because I think listeners listening right now will go insane. So take yours off just for a moment and for it to allow it to recalibrate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
That sounds fantastic. I'm watching my heart rate is now 93. It's plummeting. It says here I'm having a small stroke. I'm glad you guys laughed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
It lives online and now it lives on Sirius XM and I couldn't be happier.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay, well, if you're listening to the song Tom Sawyer, you know that you are enjoying the Conan and Jordan show. This is a show, you can't find it anywhere else. And so far, I'm told people love this show. It's doing quite well. And it's growing. It's growing rapidly because... People are fascinated with the relationship between Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You know, it's interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Now, here's where it gets tricky because you said, I need to ask Jordan for what I really need. But what if what I really need is for him to shut up?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yes. That's what I want to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'd love to. I'd love to flip him upside down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Very good. You could work for someone else. In a different profession. I think in a different city. That's something that might make me happy.
NPR News Now
NPR News: 03-24-2025 5PM EDT
Twain wrote, patriotism is supporting your country all of the time and your government when it deserves it.
NPR News Now
NPR News: 03-02-2025 7PM EST
I'm going to host it and host it and host it. I'm going to host all night long.
NPR News Now
NPR News: 03-02-2025 7PM EST
I'm someone who hopes that things sometimes go a little off the rails because that's where the real memorable moments happen, in late-night television and on the Oscars.
Scamanda
Party’s Over, from Bad Rap: The Case Against Diddy
A lot of ladies drink water at parties. So if you don't have what they need, they're going to leave. Got to keep them there. You need locks on the doors. This is sounding kind of dangerous now. It's a little kinky.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
Hey there, SmartList listeners. Conan O'Brien here. Wanted to let you know I recently had your very own Jason Bateman on my podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We talked about Jason's roots as a child star, his breakout role on Arrested Development, and of course, his fellow SmartList co-hosts, Sean and Will. Here's a little taste of what we got up to.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
I agree with it about your podcast. I agree because I've checked it out and I'm I'm like, I can't believe that this is something I mean, this what we're doing here.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
Also, can I just point out, I've been interviewing people around the clock since 1993. I'm a seasoned professional. Exactly. What Muhammad Ali was to boxing, I am to interviewing. We can cut all this out. Yeah, well.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
But, yeah, you guys with this, you know.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
Yes, yes. I was going to say the same thing. I was going to say, I'm glad you said it. I beat you to it. No, no, no. You know, I think you could come, you could go. Right. You know, whatever.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
To hear the rest of the episode, as well as other great conversations I've had with folks like Amy Poehler, Adam Scott, Ben Stiller, and more, check out Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever you get your podcasts.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
We've straightened this out. Thousands are invited to the Christmas party. I invite thousands and about 50 come. Listen, we're going to just because this has been a thing. And then I went on smart list recently, you know, about you coming to the Christmas party. And it was a thing for a while. You you. You claim you weren't invited.
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
Well, listen, the point is you, you know, let's talk about smart lists. It's a juggernaut. You guys are a pretty hard pivot. It's a real, I mean, I was a four wheel slide, right? I just, I just broke my hip. But no, the point I'm trying to make is of you three guys, you got Will Arnett, you got Sean. Is it Hayes?
SmartLess
Conan O’Brien Wants Jason Bateman to Be His Friend
Okay. And then you're Jason Bateman. Bateman. Okay. There's the three of you. And you're the one that I have trouble getting a beat on. I got to say. You're the one. You're squirrely. You're squirrely, Bateman. I've always had a problem getting a beat on you. A huge fan of yours. I adore you. But I can't get a beat on the guy.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2149 - Trump-Zelenskyy Meeting GOES TOTALLY NUCLEAR
For such a prestigious night, it's important that everyone is properly dressed, okay? You're dressed well, Adam Sandler.
The Daily
Trump’s Bid for Greenland
Hello, I'm here to buy your country. Hello, I'm here to buy your country.
The Headlines
Iowa Moves to Eliminate Trans Rights, and Zelensky Heads to the White House
I've never been to the Oscars. This is the only way I could get invited.
The Headlines
Iowa Moves to Eliminate Trans Rights, and Zelensky Heads to the White House
It's not the communal campfire that it maybe once was, but I still think the Oscars has meaning. I still think that really good cinema has an incredible amount of resonance and importance right now. And this is the night that celebrates that. And so that's the attitude I'm going into it with, which is just very excited and appropriately worried.