Craig Ferguson

So what happened was when I was 13 years old, we fly from Presswick in Scotland. It was a big airport, Scotland. Or, you know, an airport in Scotland. They've got a runway and a candy machine. And we fly on a DC-10, Laker Airlines. We land at JFK. So the first time I ever see anything outside of Scotland is I fucking land in New York City in 1975. That's crazy.

And I go to my cousins who live in Long Island, my Uncle James, my Aunt Susan, and their four kids. They live in Smithtown, Long Island. And I go there when I'm 13, and we go to a bowling alley. And I go to this bowl. I didn't even know what fucking bowl it was. Your mind is blown. I was fucking like, so you roll the ball towards the wee sticks, and the sticks fall over, and everybody cheers.

And they're like, yes. And I was doing it. And they said, try this. And they gave me a root beer. It was a root beer. That's it. I'm American. Root beer over crushed ice. And I was like, whatever the fuck this is, I'm in. And I swear to God, to this day, if I have the opportunity for root beer over crushed ice, I'm like, I hear the Star Spangled fucking banner. When I signed up for the Marines.

Oh, my God. How good is that? That's too funny. I never had anything like that. It was unbelievable. It was like when they gave sugar to native people and stuff. I was like, oh, my God.

Yeah, actually, there was. I remember my dad's cars, he had a Hellman. Oh, man, these are going to be great. A Hellman. A Hellman something. I don't know what it was. My grandpa had a Hellman Imp, which was like a smart car but with no engine.

And then it was kind of like a go-kart. It was like the ragman thing, but without the horse. It was just the car. And then there was a, we had a Morris Oxford.

Yeah, that's a good looking car. Look at that fucker up. About 1968 Morris Oxford. Ah, that's a sharp looking car right there. Yeah, it's a good car, right. And then we got a, fuck, there was one. I can't remember the name. Yeah, it's a good-looking car. Yeah, it's all right. It's great. I keep trying to find one. Do you guys ever go on bringatrailer.com or something like that?

Do you know the one I'm talking about?

Yay! Thanks, everybody. That's something you clap for. That's something you clap for. Thanks. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited to be here. It's an honor to be here. Shall I wear these? It's up to you.

It's like Facebook Marketplace. That's the way to go, I think. Facebook Marketplace.

the i i'm looking he's buying cars i'll bring a trailer and facebook marketplace this guy's a dirtbag and the show i i thought you were it's like 50 million dollars yeah never mind that but i bought i got i bought a fucking airstream trailer on facebook i love that i love an airstream no i tell you this is a great fucking story so i go on airstream and i'm like first of all he's crazy

I'm like, this is fucking beautiful. No, because Matthew McConaughey has Airstream. But I don't think he got them on Facebook. So I see this and I call up the guy and he's like, I'm not going down on the price list. I never asked you. And I go and see this guy. I won't tell you what state he's in, but he's living by a lake on an easy, a lazy boy.

You know, he has a lazy boy outdoors on the lake and he. He has a trailer that he lives in and the Airstream trailer. And so I buy the Airstream trailer. But he says to me, I'm selling it because I've retired. I used to be a nuclear engineer. And whenever I was working at a nuclear plant, there's never any fucking hotels. It's because nobody wants to put a hotel next to a nuclear power plant.

Sure, all right. So he has this nice Airstream trailer. And it's great. But I took it home. But at night... Fucking lights up. I'm sure it is. It's all that radiation.

Yeah. We had a goldfish called Goldie. Okay. Fair enough.

This one lived to be nine. You had nine... A nine-year-old goldfish? Jesus Christ. It was like, I mean, and... Did you keep him in the airstream? Jesus Christ. I'll tell you what as well. That, when that fish died, it was fucking delicious.

I want to look like I'm podcasting. I'm podcasting. Am I a podcasting or an influencer? What's the difference between a podcaster and an influencer? I don't know. Tits. That's what it is. I was going to say.

No, no. We had dogs. We had a very aggressive West Highland Terrier that bit a kid outside the supermarket and went to live on the farm. And then... We had a guinea pig called Olga that lived for a long time as well. Guinea pig? In the house? Yeah. Yeah, but not like roaming free in the house. Like in a cage. Not like, oh, a guinea pig. Oh, children, that's not a rat.

On that vacation. Jesus Christ. What, in New York? In Smithtown. Whoa. My cousins say, hey, do you want to go and see a rock and roll show? I'm like, yes, please. So they take me to see a band called Blue Oyster Cult.

And I smelled this. Was it a big venue, small venue? It was a big venue. I felt like it was big. Yeah. It would have been huge by then. Yeah. So Blue Oyster Cult, 1975, somewhere in the Smithtown region of Long Island. I don't know where.

I don't know. It was some kind of incense or something. But I kind of was to smell that smell again, gentlemen. It occurred in my life again. And still to this day, when I'm riding my city bike around New York, I still get a whiff of it. Sure.

I was already drumming. Yeah, I was. But it was just in that kind of period for British kids. I mean, I think in America it was different, but it was just in that period just before punk rock kicked off.

where it kicked off in britain kind of with the damned and the sex pistols yeah and that was around about 70 late 76 77. that's crazy so i was about 15 when all i said was like perfect yeah just for that so it kind of even now i think all that attitude which is way out of date i mean kids now say i'm looking forward to having a career in comedy where gosh darn it i'm gonna have a tv show and stuff like i don't i still don't understand that i'm like burn it all down

And I don't even mean it, but I kind of think it. It's weird.

It seems to be, and I don't think it served me well, to be honest. You did pretty good. Well, I suppose you're right. But, you know, I could have done better. That's too funny. Who got you the first drum set? Do you remember? It was my older brother. He had a drum kit. I don't know where he got it, but he had a drum kit. There wasn't Facebook marketing. He may have got it from the rag man.

I'm not quite sure, but he... What do you got to do to the rag man to get a drum set? Yeah, well, he's a very attractive man, my brother. That's all I'm saying. He always has been. A lot of therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had his own... He kind of lost interest in it, and I just... Just around the house. Yeah, and I was just, like, batting all the time.

Or were they supportive? No. Yeah. Well... In a way, they were supportive in the sense that if I joined a band and then we started, like, rehearsing in, like, church basements and stuff like that, then my dad would get the drums into the Morris Oxford and drive me there. Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no. The guinea pig was dead, sadly. Also delicious. Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, my visa ran out. I didn't want to get into trouble with immigration because I thought if I ever really want to come here, I don't want to fucking end up getting into trouble. So I left before my visa ran out. But there used to be, the first time I ever appeared on a stage, I mean, I started doing comedy back there later, but the first time I ever did comedy was a punk rock venue.

You know, I think we're a dying breed, the late-night talk show. I think this is the way forward, gentlemen. You are the new bastions. You're the wedge. You're the icebreaker. Thank you. This is the way forward podcast because it doesn't exist in the old world anymore. Of course. It's just going away. It's going away. Yeah.

In London, they were having a festival of Scottish punk rock bands, and all these Cockney punks were there. I was about 18 or 19 years old, and I was the drummer in one of the bands, and the lead singer said, we have to change equipment between the bands, so you go out and be funny to these Cockney punks. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I had no background.

Stand-up comedy didn't exist in Britain then. It was only potatoes. That's all about it. And so I went out on the stage. I wore a kilt because I thought that would be funny and good. I was wearing a kilt and I tried to tell jokes and stuff.

And then the girls, it was girls at the front that were trying to look up my kilt. I was going like that. I was so scared. My knees were knocking, shaking. And they started to, his knees are knocking, his knees are knocking. And then the whole fucking venue. Those British get heckled. All these Cockney punks are like, his knees are knocking, his knees are knocking, his knees are knocking.

But you know the weird thing, and this is how you know you're a fucking stand-up, because I came off and I went, I've got to do that again. I think I got him at the end.

I was nearly there.

I'll start with the knee-knocking. That was my problem.

No, neither really. I mean, I had an okay career there. I was doing all right. I was getting like parts and shows and I was doing stand-up.

A little of both.

No. Were you home? I was in Scotland until I was about 24, 25. Okay. And then the girl that we got married, we got divorced. I understand. At 24. So I moved down to London when I was about 24. I was still drinking a lot.

And have you guys heard of drugs?

I'm a big fan.

Big fan. So I was doing drugs as well. So I was taking the drugs and the drinking. And so my performance style was inconsistent. Understandable. Sometimes I was great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it kind of came and went a little bit. I was doing okay. And then what happened was I got sober in London when I was 29. Okay. And then I was kind of like, I was keen on...

to change things to but everyone i was still like the drunk to everybody i i couldn't like change the perception i got you and i and i always wanted to i always wanted to be in america anyway i always want to go to america and then i was doing the edinburgh festival you know there of course right so i was doing the edinburgh festival and a guy an american guy called rick siegel who was my manager who became my manager he saw me there and he was like you should come to america you've cleaned up your act you've dropped 25 pounds fuck it come over and i'll see if i can get you a gig and

I came over for two weeks in November 1994, and I'm still here. Whoa. No shit. Damn.

or here? Los Angeles, yeah. You went to L.A.? Yeah. Because I would have come here. Right. Because this is where I knew. But I went out to L.A., and they offered me a job. My first job was doing a sitcom that lasted like – I only lasted 10. They used to come and go back in the day.

Well, since I was – I mean, I'd been doing it in Britain and stuff. 10, 15 years or so? Yeah, because I had this – I kind of missed this, but – I had this character I used to do called Bing Hitler, right? And I used to do this character. I thought it'd be funny.

Different time. Do you know what? It was kind of funny. Sure. It was pretty funny. Like Bing Crosby in Hitler? No. I mean, yes, with the name thing, but there was no real reference to it. He was actually just a Scottish guy. That was just his name. Mm-hmm. But there was nothing in it about Nazis or crooning. It was just a kind of weird character. Okay.

Well, I was raised in a swamp by Shrek and Fiona. I was found in a basket of reeds. And the pharaoh's daughter came over. I'm from... There was no pharaoh. I'm from Scotland. Of course. It's well outside Philly. Yes. But... But where I am in Scotland, because I know Philly quite well, obviously, and it's not unlike where I'm from in Scotland, Glasgow in Scotland. It's not unlike Philadelphia.

And I did that, and that was pretty successful. That did well. All right. So I'd been doing that, and that was kind of going all the time. It kind of came and went. I made a couple of albums with that as well because we used to do comedy albums before comedy podcasts. Comedy albums. And you could write 25 minutes every four years, and you'd be fine.

No, I didn't. See, when I got to L.A., I stopped doing stand-up. Okay. Because I kind of didn't know what to do.

Yeah, and I got a job with my third audition with Betty White and Marie Osmond on a show called Maybe This Time.

and i became friend i became friends with both of these women that's crazy they're both well betty's gone now but they're both great and betty you know who was on my late night show every week when i was there doing it she and i stayed friends right until she died and she was the she was unbelievably nice to me when i like i turned up and i like no idea what i was doing And she was nice to me.

She talked to me. He had great chops, too. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, old-school stuff, yeah.

Yeah, they're like, oh, that's nice.

Yeah, your brother's got a damaged testicle. He's going for an operation. Like, okay, fine.

Goldie 2 is doing okay.

We're pretty close now. I mean, what happened was that I do this show, and it's not working. And, you know, back then when the shows weren't working, they would try other things. Like they'd add people. They did do that. Yeah. Make them an alien. Put a baby in. That's right. So they added a hot young stand-up comic. to the cast of maybe this time, a young gentleman called Dane Cook. No kidding.

Yeah, Dane was just starting out. So Dane comes in, and he was as sweet as anything, and funny as fuck. I mean, he was great. And he came in, and he started, he was getting all the shit that I was getting. I was like, fucking writing's on the wall for me. So I didn't know you couldn't do this, so I quit. I quit a sitcom, which was like crazy. It was like Disney TV.

And there was a guy called Dean Valentine, who was the head of, and he was like meant to be really super scary and stuff like that. And I said to him, I want to quit. This is not working for me. This show is not going to work for me. That's insane to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was nuts. And he said, he said, okay. And he let me quit, which he didn't have to do. He could have kept me there.

And what happened was that I had to look for another job. I've told this story before, but I'll tell it quickly for you. So I get this audition. I'm going on auditions, and my buddy from Scotland is there, a guy, my oldest friend, and we're just kind of tooling around, and I get this call to go for an audition. So I said, send me the sides.

They used to send you, like, little bits of paper with your lines on it. So he sent me the sides, and it's for a sitcom called Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. Of course, yes. And the sides are for the part of the Hispanic photographer.

I can do German. I can do this one very well. Can a photographer be from Germany? So I'm like, I'm not even going to fucking go for this. And my buddy who's there, he's like, what the fuck else are you doing? You needed a surgery, doctor? Go to a fucking audition. It's always that story. So I go to the audition and everybody in there, there's all these actors waiting.

I said, everybody looks like Antonio Banderas. And I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I go in and the Warner Brothers casting people are there. And so I... I try and do the lines. Everybody's there and they're all doing it. And I try and do the lines with my best, you know, Mexican accent, which I'm not going to fucking do. All right.

But I sound like fucking, you know, Shrek and Speedy Gonzales, right?

And they're laughing their asses off and it's not working. But I'm laughing at it too. And at the end of it, the casting guy says, look, obviously this is some kind of mistake. I'm like, no shit. And he said, and then he said to me, he said, but he said, the Drew Carey show is looking for an English boss. Can you do an English accent? And I said, This guy's a pro.

And that's how, and I went in to do the Drew Carey show for like one episode, and then that became three episodes, and then Drew was like, you wanna stay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. Because I was really, I remember I've told this before, I had 27 cents left. I don't know. After quitting the Betty White show. Yeah, I'd spent it all.

Gotcha.

What am I, a child? What are you, a fucking cop? What's a library fees? So I just got through it. I don't know why, actually. You're right. I don't know why I got through it. Because by that time, I'm not doing drugs. I'm not drinking. I don't know what the fuck I spent it on.

But it went. Probably, if my guess is right, probably representation.

Certainly back then.

You know what I'm saying? Sure. And it has an enjoyment. Good looking guys. Good-looking guys.

No, I had a rental place in Hollywood. By yourself? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and then I met a girl, you know. Okay. She moved in, and then we got married. Okay. And we're not married.

But we got married. We were married for a few years, and we had my first kid. Okay. And he was born, and... That all happened around about that time.

Yeah. That was it.

The fucking... Drew Carey show, yeah. It changed my life, that thing.

And I don't know if you've ever had 27 cents in a bank account.

It costs a fucking dollar to get your 27 cents out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are doing great. Look at you. You got a fucking table.

Look at this shit. That's amazing.

A lot of guys in sweatpants. A lot of guys who enjoy meat and cheese. I've got to check this place out. I think you'd enjoy it. Do you know what's funny? Because also Cleveland is a similar city. Yes. Right. We're just in Cleveland. Right.

Yeah. Good times. Yeah.

A house, a car? I bought a house. And then during this time, I wrote a movie. I used to write movies in my trailer. Like Norm Macdonald, God rest him. He was doing a sitcom across the way. I like Norman. He's a lovely man. And he said, He would be out smoking cigarettes, and I'd be in writing movies in my trailer, and he said, I didn't realize what a...

burning furnace of ambition you were i thought you were just like unsociable um but i uh i'd write these movies and one of the movies did really well uh it's a movie called saving grace and it was about a lady who that's not bad yeah so about a middle-aged lady who grows marijuana in her greenhouse to get herself a financial problem and it and it did well and I made a bit of money.

So I bought a house in the Hollywood Hills, but I made a little more money. So I also bought an apartment in Paris.

Did you? Yeah.

Now, if we stopped there, that'd be great. But after, when I got divorced again, oh, yeah. Gotcha. You know that thing as well when they say you lose half your stuff? That's people who haven't been divorced.

Well, it kind of is. Very much so. But Cleveland is kind of like a portable Philly. Do you know what I mean? Philly's big. And Cleveland is like if you've only got hand luggage, you take Cleveland. Right. More of a day trip kind of town. But Cleveland is where Drew Carey is from. So when Drew and I got to know each other on his show, I said to him, you should go to Glasgow. It's like Cleveland.

And that's all right. It really is all right.

Yeah. Okay.

2005, I started. You started. Yeah. 2004, they had that kind of competition. Are you smarter than a fifth grader or whatever it was to try and win the job?

Oh, shit. You're back like, we need a job quick, stat. Now I have a little kid, too. Yeah. So now I need a job, but I also need a job that keeps me in town because I don't want to disappear on this kid. Of course. So now I've got to raise my kid. I've got to find a job. And this time, I'm working in independent film. And you have to leave town six weeks at a time, eight weeks at a time.

And I'm looking for a job that's in town. And then I'm doing an independent movie in Winnipeg, Canada. And I get a call. And somebody says to me, hey. It was my rep at the time said, hey, you've been on the Craig Kilbourne show a few times, haven't you? I went, yeah. Do you want me to do it again? He said, no, he just quit. I was like, what? He quit.

So they're having a kind of runoff and they want you to try out for it. I'm like, get the fuck.

yeah alright fuck it I never even thought about it but it's a job that's in town that's like that's a cushy job in showbiz yes it is it's hard work it's day in day out but it's hard work I'm just saying it's not you know but yeah I mean that's like you're in town set hours paycheck same place and I had this little kid at the time so like it's funny how the perception people have of your life like they're like oh you're living this big fancy show business I had a

Sylvia the nanny looking after my toddler while I'm on stage and I get off I change his diaper put him in the baby seat drive home daddy's bachelor pad where you know me and him are that's what we're doing man that is fucking something else it's crazy isn't it that's unbelievable but you know then the show starts to be a hit and then you know things change a little bit yeah you know

That's all right. Pretty good. But what did happen that time is right down when I was broke and I was just starting in the show, I meet a girl. We get married. Did you? I did.

Third time. But here's what happens. We're still married. Yay! We're still married. So I've got this little kid, and I meet this girl, and she's, like, beautiful, and she takes care of him, she takes care of us, and she comes into our lives, and everything gets different. Everything gets different. Holy shit. And we're still married.

Yeah, we got another place.

I didn't buy another place in Paris, though.

I don't know that I ever felt. As the host. I mean, well, I got the, what they did was, at the time, the contract, you had to sign the contract before you even tried out for it. So the first year they just did that. Oh, that's right. You're going, I'll take, give me $1,500. I'll work for scale. Give it to me. Exactly. So you take nothing for the first year.

But then if the show does well, even though you're only meant to get a certain amount for the second year, now at this point, everyone's like, well, it's doing pretty well. And the good thing as well is that I'm working for Worldwide Pants, who are actually a great company.

He's like, don't be fucking serious. That's how he talked back then. And then he got into soccer and he went to see a Rangers Celtics game in Glasgow and he He fucking called me up.

That's Letterman. Of course. And Rob Burnett was working then, and he was running the company, and it really worked out. And it kind of came together a little more. Yeah. And because I worked for Worldwide Pants, I was very protected from the corporate world. Because of Letterman. Because Dave. Dave's fucking massive cojones. I was just hiding behind Dave.

I'd go, Dave, they're trying to get me to do something. He's like, well, we got some music for that, Paul.

Yeah.

No. No house in L.A., just New York? Yeah, New York.

Let's say yes. Okay. I mean, I might have a little place out of town, you know, sometimes when the city gets a little hot. Buddy, we appreciate it. I completely get it. We appreciate it.

But most of the time, well, actually, less than 182 days a year in New York City. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just in case anyone from the IRS.

Well, have you guys heard of the Upper East Side? Yeah, of course. It's the first place I lived when I moved up here. Oh, really? Yeah, 81st and 1st. It's pretty close. I don't think it's the same apartment. 81st and 1st is very close to the comic strip. Yes. The comic strip, there used to be, when I was here when I was 21, I was kind of thinking about, I'd done the Cockney thing.

You remember that? So I thought, when I was here, I thought, well, I'd love to try stand-up comedy again, see how it works. And there used to be a thing at the comic strip, there was a guy who's died now, but it was a guy called Lucian Hole who was in charge of all that. And And I... There used to be a... You would go up there at 10 a.m.

on a Monday morning and get a... There would be all these stand-up comedians waiting outside, these kids, and you would take a lottery ticket out of a basket, and if your number was called, they would pick 10 people every Monday morning.

We did. They still did it up until like 10 years ago. All right, so you pull the ticket, and if you get called the following Monday, you get a spot. It's kind of like an open-the-mic spot. And... I pulled the ticket. I didn't get called. And so I said to the guy, the barman who was running it, the guy who was just behind the bar, he was like, I said, what do I do with this then?

Do I come back next week and try again? And he said, where are you from? I said, Scotland.

All right, so he put me in. And I got a spot the following week. And I did OK. I did OK. I got a few laughs. And so they asked me back the following week.

week to do it again now this time I'm starting to get worried because I can't earn any money because I don't have that visa so I go back the next week and and it was okay everything worked out fine because I was shit and they said yeah this guy's a flash in the pan at best yeah so is your was it a son or a daughter you had with your second wife two kids you have two kids two boys with the same mom or different mom different mom okay how far apart are they

They've got dirt balls here, too. Look at that. Yeah, it's a whole lot of sports rivalry, but with a little bit of religious sectarianism to make it spicy. There you go. Keep the tension up a little bit. A little bit of guilt.

About nine and a half years.

I'm going to sound like some fucking asshole. What are you talking about?

Trust me, I'm telling you.

You know, the truth is we kind of don't take a ton of vacations.

Because we have a place out of town that we go to that is right next to the beach. Okay. You know... I don't think you're talking about wild with New Jersey.

Holy shit. No, what we do is we tend to kind of go there or in New York. I mean, it's not – I don't go on a lot of vacations. It's funny. Jay Leno's a pal of mine. I don't know if you guys know Jay.

We do not. I know who he is. We do not know Jay. We're not hanging out in the garage. Well, Jay and I, occasionally I'll do gigs with Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall. That's sick. Holy shit.

It's always casinos. That's awesome. It's always casinos. I love it. But these guys are fucking great. I mean, you talk about fucking pros. They're amazing.

Let's go. Jesus. So they – but Jay and – he's kind of a blue-collar guy.

He came up, you know. Yeah. And he was like, take me. What the fuck? What am I going to do on vacation? I tried it once. It was fucking terrible. Sitting on the beach trying to read a book.

You wouldn't fucking believe this guy. So...

it's crazy like Jay will like there's no like you go on if you go and do gigs with Jay like there's no entourage there's no there's no even a personal fucking assistant just walking in it's just Jay and then he said to me eh we had a couple of gigs that were quite you know a fart in odd places he said yeah Jay always travels private right he's got a private jet of course what do you mean he's Hollywood royalty right Mr. Leno so Jay says eh do you want to ride in the jet we're going to go to the thing I'm like

These are garbage questions. Yeah, yeah. So my father was a postman. Okay. But in the course of my life, he went from being – they used to deliver telegrams, right? He was a telegram – like, hey, telegram. Sure. Right? So he started off with that when he was a little kid. And then he goes to the Army.

Yeah, okay, I'll ride the jet. But you get out of the jet after the gig, and it's this fucking baller jet. But Jay's sitting with his denim pants, his denim shirt unbuttoned after the gig, eating pizza out of a box.

I don't know, like fucking hundreds.

My agent, when I started in late night,

we just put this thing as like we just we'll put it because they were paying me anything well them well let's add this thing keep the wardrobe you keep the suits now that was just in at the beginning so it's like one of these uh like things in a bill that goes through like you don't notice yeah but it's now in every contract so every game show i did every everything i've done i've got all these suits that's awesome and

It sounds good, but no.

It is a burden.

You know, to paraphrase Biggie, more suits, more problems. I'm with you.

Thank you. You wear the shit out of a suit. Thank you, I do enjoy it.

My youngest is 14, so he's getting there. My oldest is 24. Gotcha.

Yeah. At night? Yeah, we're a close family.

My wife, all the time. All the time. She a good cook? She's a great cook.

What are these called again? Okay. All right. You just have it sent in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I think so, yeah. Are you writing this shit down? Is there a point system? Yeah, this is the timing whether you're garbage. No, we're coming over for dinner later. All right.

Well, it depends. If we're in New York City, then, you know, you go to the store. Okay. If you're at this other place. If you're out of town, maybe you drive to the store.

Go to the store, yeah.

No, I do it. I will go to the store and do that stuff.

Yeah, I tell you, I will be honest with this, because Whole Foods, I get what we're looking at with Whole Foods, but I will say this. Touring, as long as I've been touring in the U.S., Whole Foods changed the fucking game. Because there used to be, like, if you could find a Cracker Barrel, that was it when you were on the road. And look, no disrespect to Cracker Barrel. Some of their gravy is...

For a couple of years. Then he comes back to the post office and he becomes a postman, like delivering a letter and stuff. But by the time he finishes, he's like the head of the post office. All right. Oh, great. He makes a big, long trip that way. And my mom was a schoolteacher. Your mom was a schoolteacher.

It's okay. But the Whole Foods thing, you could always get something to eat in most towns. And that's a big little bar thing that they do.

I do now. I'm 63 in a couple of weeks. I don't know if you can see, I went to a dermatologist. I know that doesn't make me garbage. I went to a dermatologist, and they had to burn off little bits of pre-cancerous shit and all that. I'm doing that now.

We do it out there. We don't have health insurance.

I put it in the fridge. My wife puts it on the counter. Okay. All right.

Again, I would go for fridge. Actually, no. Other way around. My wife puts ketchup in the fridge. I like the ketchup to be room temperature. Okay. Like Beaujolais.

Some of the recent Beaujolais, I beg to differ.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

No, I don't do that. My kids do that, and I suspect my wife does that, but I do not do that. All right. Especially, I don't know. I think, like, peeing and brushing your teeth at the same time, it's kind of like doing that thing. You know what I mean? That's a classy answer. You don't have to do them at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not every day, but I do floss.

Yeah, I try to, yeah.

I love the rotisserie chicken. I will buy the warm rotisserie chicken and get home. It's always a bit of a dash to get home because you get the warm rotisserie chicken, but you've also got the fudgesicles, which are getting colder. You can't have the tuna next to the rotisserie chicken. But I like to get home before the rotisserie chicken is tepid. I don't want it tepid. Yeah, it changes.

It coagulates a little bit. It's not the same. Once the gravy gets a gel to it, it's tough.

I don't really eat the steak anymore. But when I would eat it, I'd go well. Well.

It's a dirtbag in him.

Oh, I like fudgesicles.

Yeah, fudgesicles.

Holy shit, you're speaking my language, sir. That's right. That's how I fucking live. Holy shit.

Uh...

Yeah, I agree.

Really? Like the postmaster general? He's still on the stamps. No. No. He reads everybody's mail probably. No, he's not on the stamps.

No, no, but but I have a urologist.

I do. I do. I own multiple sets of binoculars.

I got this. I think this is going to work for me here. Hit me. I have a Ram 1500 Bighorn. 5.7 liter. Fuck you guys. Fuck you guys. That's amazing.

Well, the way I do it is this. The way I see the Ram is this. I'm very worried about the environment. Sure. So what I feel is to force big oil to make changes, I feel we've got to use it all up. There you go. Use it up. And that'll fucking make them pay attention.

The remote.

Not currently. Oh, well, no, I got some sparklers. I always keep some sparklers because my wife's cousin's kids come over and they like the sparklers.

Gotta be. Which house?

No, but the king size in the apartment, but a queen size at the house. Yeah. At the country home.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got to change it, though. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, it's, you know, we've been married for a long time. If you need a couple bucks, let me know.

Yeah. Oh, look at what Margaret's been up to. No, he became the chief inspector of the Edinburgh post office, which I don't know a lot about post office. Sounds high up to me. Chief inspector sounds good.

You've got to listen to me here about sleeping, because this is fucking important. Sleep is important to me. Of course. And during the pandemic, actually, during COVID, I was just ordering stuff online because there's nothing else to do. So I order a pair of shorty, short silk pajamas. Whoa. I'm telling you, man, I have taken every drug I've heard of. Fuck them all. Silk pajamas.

That's the way to go. Put down the Oxycontin and get some silk pajamas.

Talk about the duality of man. That would be like a speedball.

The first tattoo was actually late because my father hated tattoos. He thought that people should not have tattoos. So when my father died, I thought, what better way to remember a man who hated tattoos to get a tattoo? The Celtic paradox. So I got the family crest tattooed there.

The family name, something. So my father died, and then I didn't think about it for a while. And then about a few years later, my mom died. And I was very sad, obviously. And then a few months after my mama died, I started to kind of hear her in my head like, Oh, you got a tattoo for your father, but you don't get a tattoo for your mother. So I had to get my mother tattooed there.

But as I'm getting this tattoo of my mother's family on here, the guy who's giving me the ink says, you know, it's unlucky to have an even number of tattoos. I'm like, oh, I didn't know that. He said, so you better get a third. I'm like, oh, okay. And I'd recently become an American citizen. So I thought, well, give me this one here. Well, you got the snake. Yeah. Damn, dude. This guy's in it.

Yeah. So I have to, so I get through. And then after that, it's fucking crazy. But when I get, I don't know if, are you guys inked? Nothing, no. Right, so. I feel like a pussy. Yeah, no shit.

Fuck. You know, a few years ago, that would have been true. Now, if you've got ink, it probably means you're a fucking orthodontist or something. Yeah. But down here, that's the most hurty part of getting a tattoo I've ever had. Apparently, this is sore too, but I don't know. Yeah, here the ribs are bad. Okay. But this was very, very hurty. Don't do it.

I don't even know. They're kind of all over the place.

Yeah.

Holy shit. You know what? I got to tell you, I still fucking love it. Yeah. And every time if I'm in an airport, I'm like, I should probably grab a bottle. I love only at the airport. That's the only place you can fucking get it.

The last person to cut it was a lady called Vegas.

Yeah, because when I was a kid, like a young kid, dinner was like egg and fries. Okay. Chicken maybe once, twice a month. Wow. So meager beginnings. Well.

Well, you guys are coming to a decision. I feel like it's – is this the – We're getting there. Okay.

Yeah. What are you talking about? A sandwich or something from the – Not like tuna or anything. No. No fish on the plane. No. But maybe a sandwich. I don't like to eat on the plane. I feel like the plane is a flying bathroom. And I don't – like even a long flight, I don't eat.

Yes. Put the seat back? Depends.

You're a gentleman about it. It depends, you know, as the circumstances arise. But I have to say, most of the time these days when I fly the seat back, going back doesn't seem to be an issue. Understand. I know exactly what you're getting at.

Yeah. You know, I'm near that. It's good because as the people come on and sit behind you, you can judge them. Yeah. That's what we do, too.

White lights on the tree. My wife is classy. There's no way she's garbage. Okay. That makes sense. All right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. No? No, I don't think so. You do anything to them? You trim them? No, I've got a clipper. You do the clippers yourself? Yeah, but I don't do the toes every time. These days, when I'm clipping the toes, I try and be on my own. Yeah. That's classy. That is classy.

I had one for a while, but it's cleared up. That's good. Apparently, when you get COVID, I got COVID. I'm sure we've all had it. If you haven't had it. I got it right now. Yeah, you got it. You get something called COVID 2, which I think was probably- You're making that up.

It went a little weird. No kidding. And it kind of went like... You had a hook. A little bit of a hook. Got to get in there. Yeah, I know. Anyway, it's cleared up now. I mean, the guy's trash. What are we doing here?

Chicken's pretty good. That's not great. Chicken maybe twice a month. I don't want to overplay it. It wasn't fucking Angela's Ashes, right?

The Ram. Woo! The Ram with the American hat.

Yeah.

We love you. Yes! Man, what a legendary... Yes! I'm very pleased. Thank you. Performance.

I mean, an absolute legend. We can't thank you enough for coming in. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. We love you.

Oh, thanks.

The lucky potato. But there were a lot of – I didn't know we didn't have much money because we didn't have much, but it wasn't terrible. And my parents weren't alcoholics, so step up. Gotcha. That's pretty good.

First, when I was born, they were in a one-bedroom tenement with my older brother and my older sister. And after I was born, they moved us out. There was this thing called New Towns in Britain. What happened was after the Second World War, all the cities were bombed. So they had to build new housing just outside the city, kind of like the project. Sure.

So we moved out, but the projects, but they were meant to be fancy. They weren't fancy at all. But they said they were fancy so that people would leave the city and go live in them for nothing. So we lived in a little modular house in the projects until I was about seven or eight years old. Then we moved to a slightly larger house. in the projects until I was about 16, 17. Then I leave home.

Then my parents make a little money and move to an actual house.

So there was a bit of a journey.

Well, I've got to tell you that shit. I can't tell you everywhere. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on that shit. But I joined a band. It was punk rock.

You were a drummer. I was a drummer in punk rock bands. So I lived for a long time in the back of a van. No shit. Well, I actually didn't live there. I mean, I shared a room with some guys in a band in the west end of Glasgow, which is a really fucking great neighborhood. It still is. Like, really kind of... Before hipsters were invented. Oh, they may have been invented there.

It was like they were poor, but hipsters. You know what I mean? They liked good music, but they didn't know what kale was. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand. So I lived in a kind of shared apartment there with the guys in bands that I was in, and we would travel in... transit vans up and around Britain playing bad music. That's crazy.

Yeah, I guess 1980 to about 83.

Did you know the Ramones? Yeah. Actually, no, I didn't. But when I was about 21. Okay. So I met a girl who's part of all this crowd, and we got married.

And we went to, she liked New York City, so we came to New York City when I was 21. Wow. And I was living in the East Village when I was 21. What year is this? This is 84. Jesus. That's when the East Village was the mix. Talk about in the mix. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. There used to be a, it was a fantastic woman who lived nearby. Grandmaster Flash lived in my building.

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's amazing, isn't it? I mean, it was fucking crazy.

Who's this Grandmaster Flash? And why have I got his electricity bill? But he used to have this ankle-length gold lame coat. He would walk around. It was fucking amazing looking. He'd stand out. Yeah, he was a really nice guy. Although, I guess he was Grandmaster Flash. Sure. Why wouldn't you be in a good mood? Sure. But there was a lady who lived nearby us.

And I used to hear her every night because she was a waitress in a bar. But the neighborhood was so dangerous that when she was walking home late at night, she wanted to be an opera singer. So she would walk home singing opera all the way down the block. And the noise would be like, everyone would know she was coming down.

If the noise stopped, everybody would look out the window and see if she was OK. Wow. Yeah, see, we looked after ourselves back then.

Who? Why'd she stop singing? Is that cops? But I tell you what's an interesting thing, though. They had this, the day that it started to clean up, the East Village. I remember it was a buddy of mine worked in, I worked in construction up in Harlem. So we had to take the train across town and then all the way up to Harlem. And one day he says to me, oh, things are going to fucking change.

There's going to be construction down here. I'm like, what are you talking about? And then I see we're hanging around at Avenue B and these Cadillacs draw, all with Jersey plates. All these Cadillacs come up.

and they all these guys with camel coats come out and they're looking at the buildings and talking and yeah that kind of stuff and then about a week later there was a big police raid and all the street guys were taking all the street doctors yeah it was almost like they were connected almost like it was an orchestrated series of events it's weird it's fucking weird man i don't know why it was like it should be on the wide world of sports or whatever

Yeah, I was, actually, up until I tasted alcohol. So up until 13 years old, I had fucking straight A's. That's a hell of a run. Yeah, that was not bad. And then when I was 13, my friend's older brother, we wanted him to go into a store and get us some beer. But he was a bad guy. So he goes into the store, and he stole the money. He stole the money.

He stole the money, but he brought us some alcohol. He said, they didn't have any beer.

Said, no, they're out of beer. We're out of beer. Scotland's out of beer.

I don't know what happened. Apparently, it's just against the law. So we're out. He said, they don't have any beer. So he bought us a bottle of this stuff. It was called El Dorado. El Dorado was a fortified South African wine. I don't think it's actually legal under the Geneva Convention. But it was an import. It was a real street alcohol.

So we shared a bottle of that. I blacked out.

Blacked out. Got arrested. Woke up in my own pee. All that. I think it was my pee. I mean, I didn't have it checked.

I mean, you do all that and then it's like everybody hates you or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I got arrested. I punched the local cop. Jesus. He was a friend of my dad. But it was fine. I was 13. He's a Glasgow cop. He's like, ha, ha, ha. It was funny. And they laughed about it, but I felt bad. And that kind of led me on a very different – that was a fork in the road.

My grades suffered a bit after that. Because I awoke with a firm resolve never to do that again. Until the next weekend.

No high school diploma. Was that to work?

Well, I wanted to get money. And school was, I did have a job. That's getting in the way. Well, I had a job when I was at school. When I was 14, I used to deliver milk from the back of a flatbed truck. People used to get bottles of milk delivered. I don't know why, but they did.

So there was this flatbed truck that would come in from a farm outside of town. a guy called Bob Klein, and he would pick up me and a couple of other kids and we'd get in the back of his flat, just stand like this in the back of a flatbed truck and he'd drive us around and we'd deliver milk. So I made money that way, but I kept falling asleep in school after that.

So when I was 16, I got a job in a factory where I could just like, you know, sleep in the factory. Holy shit, that is old school.

Damn. You know, and people had, I was telling my kids about this. There was a guy that used to come around our neighborhood when I was a kid. And they were like, there's no fucking way this is true. I'm like, because my kids are American. They've got nice teeth and shit. But I was telling him about it. On a lucky habit. But there used to be a guy called the Ragman.

that would come around our neighborhood. And the rag man, he had a horse and cart. But the cart, it wasn't like a Central Park cart. It was like, you know, a cart with cart wheels on it.

Like... Something from the apocalypse or something. Like Bora or something like that. You know what I mean? So he would ride on that and he'd blow a trumpet. Right? You had this kind of weird, like, horn or something. You'd go, da-da-da-da! And we'd all go, oh, it's the Ragman! And we would grab any old pieces of clothes that we could find and we would run out.

And we'd give our clothes to the Ragman and he would give us a balloon. What the hell was he doing with it? I don't know! I don't know! But we all wanted a balloon from the Ragman. And we cleaned out our parents' closets. LAUGHTER

I don't know. I got a lot of fucking balloons. Mind you, I think there was a way to get a balloon off the rag man without giving him rags, but I never went that route.

Local. Local. But there is a very important one. It was very local because Scotland's a small country and everything's near the sea, so you can get to a seaside town. We used to go to a town called Millport. which was kind of like exactly what you would think. It's like a working class seaside resort. It's beautiful countryside, nice people. Kind of everybody from home just goes.

It's like the Jersey Shore.

So we would go there. But once, when I was 13. 13 is a big year for you. It was a fucking big year. This is just before the drinking. Maybe just after. I can't remember. But what happened was there used to be a guy called Freddie Laker. This is fucking true.

Freddie Laker. They may be the same guy. Freddie Laker was the first guy who started discount airlines, right? Budget airlines. And he used to run a flight, it was like once a week, from Prestwick in Scotland to JFK. Now, my dad's brother, my Uncle James, had immigrated to the U.S. when we were kids.

And when I was 13, because my older siblings had had a holiday on their own, like through the school trip and stuff, Like there was time for the school trip. And my dad said, do you want to go on the school trip? Or do you want a save up? I think it was like 50 bucks and we can fly to America and see your uncle James. I fucking got to America.

Oh, really? Why is that?

Well, would you rather have both your arms or lose an arm and get a movie made about yourself?

I ponder it as well.

I prefer to have both my arms and have a movie made about myself.

It'll be about some chick with a snake cup.

Or is it?

Is it the shoulder?

What's the other part?

Blushing a little bit.

Blushing on me.

How do you know I'm not?