Dakota
Appearances
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
place and some of the places would return it without a receipt and then they would give you money for it so like i would i would go with a buddy we would walk into walmart he would go and grab all of these like oh i can't even remember what they were at the time like and we would just walk straight to the to the return thing and they would exchange that for cash
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so. That's the most dangerous thing you've done to get money. I would say just breaking into cars. I never broke into any houses. I had a few buddies that would do that. I'm from Idaho. Everybody's got guns. So I was always like, I'm not even going to risk that. But yeah, I would say it was just more things like that. I always tried to not...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
go to the next levels of what some people were doing. Like you hear stories about like sex work and things like that. Oh dude. Yeah. So sometimes this has happened. Nobody's going to believe me when I tell this story, but like there would be a, like sometimes like girls would be like drug dealers and,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
and when you're really hurting and like they would call it like sometimes like it's like dry they would say it's dry and that would mean like nobody can get like it's it's really hard to get like there'd just be like a dry moment where all the pills were gone almost inventory's low yes inventory's low and so you'd be hitting up so many people to try to find things and and when you're withdrawing and you're you know you're just like
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
There was like some girls that were drug dealers and they would like always offer me, like if I slept with them, that they would like give me drugs. I said no. Okay. I never said yes to any of that. But like, I think just... I'm assuming...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, exactly. And I think maybe that's what it was, but you know what? I can almost promise you a lot of those girls were getting sex from lots of other men that were willing to do that because- Wow.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yes. So I had a high school sweetheart and I yeah, I like I love this girl. It was like my first love. And I I was actually at a point where I proposed to her and I was going to get married. And everything you do is always if I get married, I'll stop. If I do this, this is where I'll stop.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so I kind of put that in my head once I was engaged to her that I was like, I'm not going to use once I get married.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
She knew about it, but she didn't understand it. And nobody did. Nobody understood it. My family didn't understand it. Nobody understands it. When you say understand, they didn't know you were taking heroin? Did they? No. She had no idea that I was using heroin. And she had no idea how bad I really was as well.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
people with the more maybe dramatic lives yeah sometimes there's a little reluctance to come on so i you know that so that part is true you wanted you wanted to come here yeah well i think especially given like i'm i'm the type of person where i feel like i want like given the situation even with the show like it's really hard sometimes because right like at the end of the day i don't have really control of a lot of stuff you know that's like whatever it is about me
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so it was just like, yeah, it was one of those things where I thought just by getting married that maybe that would stop. And I remember when I was going to my wedding, it was going to be my last hurrah before I stopped. And before I left... we were like, we should use one more time. Who's we? Some of my buddies. And so I am in my... Your suit. Yeah, I'm getting ready to go do this stuff.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
But you have a wedding day. Yeah, it's a wedding day. And I am trying to get drugs... And I remember I was supposed to be there at a certain time, and I was late. I wasn't late to the wedding or anything, but meaning I was late to where I should have been there a lot earlier and doing these things because drug dealers don't care. They're just like...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Nope. Didn't stop there guys. Cause I'm not married now. Did you ever get, you ran it back. You got married. I got married. Yeah. So, um, I ended up getting married and she, she was like such a sweet girl. She was like the sweetest girl ever. Like very, just like innocent, like just,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Oh, absolutely not. And I think that's why it was so sad was because it's like, during this time, I'm going through all of these weird emotions and things. But again, I still don't understand what's happening to me. It's like your whole brain chemistry changes. It rewires your brain. And so everything like I couldn't see actually how bad I was. And then we got married.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then this was a this was the craziest part. We end up getting a house. Okay. When we move into the house, we're moving into it. I am driving to the house. There is a guy or I should say a kid that is right next door mowing his lawn. And that kid was my drug dealer. I had no idea. And so when I got out, he comes over to me and he's like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm moving in here.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And he's like, oh, dog. He's like, if you ever need anything at all, let me know. I got you. And I was like, this never ends. And so I remember she was actually going... She was working towards being a nurse. So at the time, she was a CNA. So she was working nights. And so that whole dynamic is really weird, right? Because it's like she's sleeping during the day and then like... Gone at night.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Gone at night. And so I remember I held off for a while and then... And not long, but I held off for a little while. And then I remember he hit me up one night. And I was like, okay. And then I went over and then... How old was he? He was probably like two years older than me. Okay. Yeah, so I think we were like 20. He was like 24. I was like maybe 22 or something like that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, this was still more heroin here. Fentanyl came in a little bit later. I was doing fentanyl patches at the time. Because fentanyl wasn't like it didn't come in yet like it is. And so that's when it was mostly just heroin.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then like the fentanyl patches are like we would get those from cancer patients, by the way, like we would find people that were dying from cancer and they would sell all their drugs to people to make money. And yeah, which is really sad. And so, yeah, I remember like just and like that that whole thing was like weird, too, because I didn't even know what fentanyl was at that time.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so a big part of it was just like, I just wish I could kind of sometimes talk and like show also who I am in ways because I just don't feel like I really get that. Okay. Yeah. So that's kind of how I feel about it. Okay.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
But like it's like it like knocks you out. Like it's like so crazy and it can last for a long time.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, I was abusing drugs the whole marriage.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. Yeah, I did. And it was yeah, it was really hard. That's that's the part that I think that was something that clicked into me later when I was like in my first rehab is you don't understand the damage you cause other people like even my family, for example. you just don't, you're not thinking that way. Like you're so selfish and stuck in your ways of just, it's all about you.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Cause that's, that's like almost all you can think about is just like, get high, get high, get high. So when I got sober, I remember there's this point where it like hit me. Like I had just this, it was like a moment of clarity and And I just remember thinking about my family and like at the time I had a little sister, there's a big age gap between us.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I've always wanted a little sibling so bad my whole life. Cause I was the youngest out of my family. Yeah, just seeing how much pain I caused my whole family and just people, that's like, yeah, that almost hurt me way more. Because for me, you don't care about yourself. I didn't care if I died. I didn't care about anything.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
But when I got sober for a little bit, it was just kind of seeing how much damage you cause other people. And how much they went through. And like, thank God my family is like, they stuck by my side through everything. And they did not have to do that. Like they could have given up on me a million times.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, that was a really big transformation for me because I have always wanted a family my entire life. Actually, I wanted a girl first. That's what I wanted first for some reason. I wanted a girl more than anything.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
um and i'm i mean i'm so it didn't matter but i'm just saying like that i was like yeah i was like i want i want a little girl really bad but when i had him that was like the uh cool the gosh damn dude i can't even talk about him half the time yeah that just oh i gotta stop being a bitch no you don't because you're human it was uh
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, it was just cool to kind of have like a full circled moment there. Like, because I never knew I would even be alive.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And yeah, and then just the amount of love and that I would do like anything for him. And, you know, it even, it even shifted my perspective even to my family.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Maybe that's how it was for you guys too, a little bit, but like, you kind of even see the side of like, you know, I don't know what your dynamics are like with your, your, your parents, but like, you can kind of, you kind of understand like the caring part of that, of like how, you know, when you're growing up, like if your parents are hard on you or, you know, they're like doing these things or they're like showing you how much,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
how much they care and you're just like a punk kid being like whatever i know what i'm doing it was uh you know that even changed it was like a really cool experience for me to just kind of have that to be like oh i get it like you guys were just doing your best too you just loved me unconditionally and you you guys were just trying your best and it's like and i feel like no parent obviously does it perfect but they definitely were just doing their best you know it's like
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. Yeah, well, I think a big one is I would always be paying attention to their friends. I think friends are a really huge thing. It's kind of just like who you surround yourself with. You're going to eventually kind of start doing what they're doing. I think that's a big one to keep an eye open for.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Obviously, if you have prescription drugs in your house, I mean, if you don't need them anymore or if you do need them for certain things, make sure you lock them up, hide them. But I think the biggest part would be
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
to really allow your kid to feel like they have the trust to come to you and talk to you about anything with absolutely no judgment and just knowing that they want what's best for you and that they're going to help you. Totally. Because I think that was really hard for me. For some reason, I was always so petrified to talk to my parents about how awful I was is what it felt like.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Oh, yeah. I mean, like, if you were to look at my family, you'd be like, what happened to you? Like, not, but just meaning like, yeah, like.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
A hundred percent. And what's crazy even is when I was going in these like trap houses and These straight junkies would look at me and be like, what are you doing here? They would tell me that. They're like, you don't belong here.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
No. And I think that's another thing too. That's a, that's a huge part for me as well as like, I've always kind of wanted to have a voice just for even things like that, like things I'm like really passionate about or care about. And for me now, that is like a huge one for me because addiction is it's so huge, like especially right now, like almost every single person probably can relate.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I had multiple drug addicts, straight just junkies that they got to a point where they cared about me enough to where they would stop selling me drugs because they would be like, this is not who you're destined to be. You're not, you're not this.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I always remember that because I thought that was so weird that the people would even say that to me, like, especially like just being like that, because, you know, I always had to try to put on like a, you know, almost an act of looking like I, you know, whether it was around, you know, my family or just people, like it came from a small town.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
So I always tried to fit apart to where it looked like I was okay. And in reality, I wasn't.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Are you nervous? Yeah. Yeah, I always get like nervous and then I feel like once maybe I like start going a little bit. Do you need a sip of water? I always do. Always do. I'm going to take a sip.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like you have loved ones, family members that have gone through that. For me, I enjoy talking about it and I get to sometimes through social media and different things like that. Usually when I do it, the reciprocation I get back from it is absolutely wild. I'll be getting comments all the time that are like, just lost my brother, just lost my dad today. It just goes on and on and on.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
So how did you get clean? I got clean when I was married and I remember I had this really cool experience. It was just like a really, I don't know. It was very, for me, it was a very godly, like just spiritual experience for me. But I remember I was, I was hurting so bad because I was still using and I just felt like such a crappy person. Like I just hated myself so much.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
and I remember I uh I said a prayer and I was like hey and at this time I kind of like I didn't even know if I believed in God anymore I was just kind of like out of that hole like I was like I don't even know anything I don't really care anymore and I was like I'm gonna just try to say a prayer and see what happens and I said a prayer and I was like
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
If there's anything you can do right now, just please. I need help so bad, and I need something to happen that will just change. And right after I said that, I had a cousin that I haven't talked to since I was a little kid. And he was a junkie for like 25 years, 30 years. And then he was sober. He ended up getting sober. He worked at a rehab place.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And he randomly out of the blue shot me a text like right when I was done praying. And he sent me like a scripture. And then I just thought that was kind of weird. And so like, I, I remember texting him and just being like, Hey, I'm, I'm actually like, I kind of feel like I need help right now. And then he like texted me back stuff, but then I, I blew him off.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I was like, I don't know if whatever the next day, um, this was Christmas Eve.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
i was uh with my wife we went to like a movie i came home and i was uh gonna get drugs and how i used to do it when i was married was i would this sounds so bad this is so shitty like such shitty person and then uh i would have like the my uh like drug dealers they would drop off drugs in my mailbox and then i would go out to the mailbox and get them and then like come back inside and like get high
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
You're like pretending to go get the mail. Yeah. Yeah. Or I just like sneak out and go grab it real quick. And then she was in her bathroom and I went into the other bathroom and locked the door and I was like getting ready to, you know, I was like getting ready to do it. And she grabbed the key, unlocked the door and opened it with me using.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And it was like the most craziest experience because she was just broken. Like she was broken. And the saddest part is I was so numb. I felt nothing. Not a thing. Like in that moment, I was just like, so numb. And then the drugs that I had, I took it, hit it real quick, wadded up like the tinfoil, threw it in the toilet. Cause she came back in and was like, where are they? Where are they?
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I was like, it's in the toilet. Like watch, I'll flush it, flushed it. But I kept the drugs. And then she called my family. My family came and picked me up. And then when I was driving home, I like even just driving home. Like I remember I was like, I was like sitting on the door. I was just like,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
so out of it and I was like this close from just like opening the door and just throwing myself out the truck like I just was like I want to just freaking throw myself out right now got home and I was at my parents house for a while and then like the next day uh she like came over essentially said she's like hey like I'm I'm I'm gonna get a divorce and
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so now like, obviously like people know that I have like a past with it, but I just don't think people understand like the full extent of how bad I actually was.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Oh, and by the way, during this time, I was in rehab. So I checked myself in rehab. I did go to her and I was like, hey, I'm struggling. I got to get help. I don't know how to do it. And I managed to get help. So she caught you after she thought you were...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
in rehab yes and then from there um i remember there was this point where i was like this is where i was gonna kill myself and i went i bought like a gram of heroin and i was just like i'm gonna just shoot up and i'm gonna just try to kill myself like this is where i'm like so sick of this life like i i just i don't know how to stop i don't i i like can't stop it felt like it was just i could never stop
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And when I did, that same cousin called me and he said, hey, I'm going to come pick you up. I'm going to get you into my rehab that I work at for free and I'm going to come grab you. And there was just this one, there was like a brief moment where I just said, okay, I was like, I'll try it one more time. This will be my last time. I was like, if this one doesn't work, I'm done.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like, I'm just going to kill myself. I don't like doing this anymore.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
and uh went and i like moved away when i was going through withdrawals and like just going through all that like detoxing from uh drugs i got served papers and like did the divorce thing on top of it like and that was just so hard it was so hard to go through that because like when you're getting sober you're having so many like do the emotions and everything that are just like
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
It's just like endless. And yeah, and then I just went through all of that. And then right when I finished there, I was there for four months, drove back home, packed all my bags and left the next day to Utah and moved to Utah and then never moved back from there. uh, since I've been there.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. It's like methadone. Methadone. Were you on that? Nope. No, I, and cold Turkey.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I cold Turkey that, and, uh, the crazy thing is, is when I was in Utah, I actually was sober for close to like four and a half years, five years. So I was actually doing great. I was actually super happy. I was just loving life again. I never got to really enjoy life, it almost felt like. I just felt like I missed out on everything. I never got to do anything. I ended up
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
having a relapse and it was fentanyl and then i started using fentanyl after four years of being so yeah i went back and uh that that one how long ago was that that one was over now it's been over three years And it was so hard. Like, fentanyl was a whole game changer. In a bad way.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Thank you for clarifying. Yes, it was not in a good way. Yeah, it was so hard. Like, even from heroin to that, the jump from that to that one... It was so tough. And so I eventually got to a point there where I was like, okay, I'm going to have to do something here to get clean.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. So for me, it started out when I was in high school. I was a big basketball player. Like I was like a huge sports, like a jock. And I had bad knees. And I remember I was at a practice once and my knees were hurting super bad. And I was in the gym and a kid was in there like for, I don't know, like doing like working out or something. He was just like one of my friends kind of.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And the cool part was because I had such a long period of time where I was sober, I knew like how it kind of worked at this point. I understood addiction a little bit better. I had like the knowledge. What I actually did, it sounds weird, but I did it just for myself too so that I could see.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I actually documented a lot of that period of time for myself to watch what it did to how much it changes you. When I watch back on some of those videos, it would blow your mind. Your whole thought process changes immediately. I was so positive and just happy. Even if I didn't have anything, I was just happy. I was like, I don't need anything. I can enjoy life. I'm just happy to be alive.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And it went straight back to like, I hate myself. You're worthless. You're never going to do anything. So it was crazy to just see how much the drugs do impact that side of things as well. So how were you able to kick that? Um, I decided that I was like, the only way I can do this is if I just, uh, so I, I, at the time I was living in Idaho again for a little bit, it was during the pandemic. And.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. It had to do with that. And then I moved in with, uh, one of my like best friends at the time that just got out of prison and, uh, he ended up relapsing and then I was living with him. And then that's kind of how it just, just
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
like it was a slippery slope there um so what i did was i got a i got a hotel in saint george so it was like a nine hour drive and i drove all the way to saint george and locked myself in a hotel for five six days and just
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
just went through the gnarliest withdrawals and was just in bed shaking like like sweating throwing up like it was uh what made you like have that revelation because like what you just described yeah isn't easy no like the fault i mean at any point you could have just walked out yeah hotel room i think it was just that i think it was the part that i knew i could finally see that
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I knew all of the beliefs in my head at that time were lies. It wasn't real. It was just like, I knew it was just the drugs. It was all the drugs just like changing how I'm thinking.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, that is actually, yeah, that's a great analogy. Like, I feel like that's kind of what it was like for me. And even though it's really hard still, right? Like, it's like, there's always now, there was that piece of hope. I, I at least had the hope of knowing that I'm like, no, this doesn't have to be it. Yeah. Like this, this doesn't have to be it. Like I can still, I can still do this.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I told myself, even if I went and did this thing, that if this didn't work, I would check myself into a rehab. So it was kind of just my last effort to try to do it on my own and to see if I could do it. And yeah, from there, I went back home. I moved out of the place I was staying with my friend and he actually went straight back to using. And then I... Moved in with my parents.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And he like, I was complaining about my knees. I was like, my knees hurt so bad. And then he was like, oh, dude, I have some pain pills. You want some? I had no idea. Like, I didn't even know what pain pills were. I was like, yeah, give me some.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then I started doing like I think I maybe for like because it was still I was still like hurting really bad, like just even like the withdrawal. It still lasted for a while. Like it's a long period of time of just kind of feeling really funky. But then I started 75 hard. What's that? Like it's like workout. The workout thing. Yeah, it's crazy.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, sorry, guys. I had to let you know. But I only did that because I was like, I just need something to give me some form of like a push of motivation.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, it's like, you know, I can't even remember what the whole thing is. Like drink a gallon of water. You got to do an outside workout.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, I got pretty caught, dude, for sure. like i got pretty i got like the best shape at that time of my life like and uh so i started that and then i moved back to utah and then kept doing that there and uh got to a you know like a pretty good place where i was just like really focused on that side of things the health side and then yeah and
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, like, for example, one of my best friends, like, almost everybody that I was dealing with at that time, they're, like, all dead. Most of them are all dead. Like, any of those people that I was, like, hanging around, a lot of them are dead now. And so I have one friend... Well, I have two. One of them's on methadone, and he's at least like, you know, he's been on that for a long time.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then the other one, he is actually, he ended up getting sober. He went back to jail and got out, and he's been doing a lot better now. Sorry, what did you ask me again?
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
My gosh. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what it's like in your shoes, dude. So, I mean, you talk about like the breakup part. So this is the first time where I have ever went through like a breakup or you could say it like with Taylor where I have never relapsed that to me, it's really hard on me. Relationships for some reason are extremely hard on me. And I think a big part of it is because like,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I didn't really understand it. And so I took them and then I went and practiced. And I remember I had zero pain and like it was the best thing in the world. I was like, so right when practice ended, I text him and I was like, hey, whatever those were, get me as many of those things as you can. And and he wasn't even like a drug addict.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
again, when I am in, I feel very in and like almost to a point where it's, it's probably not super healthy sometimes. Cause I'm just like, I can't think about anything else but that. It's like, and that to me is the, you know, the side of like being either codependent and, you know, or like just even my, my personality is that way.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
It's like, I very much fixate on things that I enjoy or like, like, like the energy drinks. You know, there was a time I was drinking three or four of those a day. That's crazy. Yeah, because I was just like, it's just like how I am with things sometimes and I hate it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so it's really important for me to do them, you know, try to find things that are a little healthier for me that I can kind of guide that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
He wasn't a drug addict or anything like he wasn't like selling drugs. Like I think he just like had some and he was just like maybe taking him like maybe experimenting himself. Hmm. And so from there, I met up with him and he said, he's like, I know somebody that had surgery and he has tons of pain pills and we could go get some. So I went to this house and- How old are you?
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
So I met Taylor. So when I moved back, I met her at that time. I think I was and here's the thing. I was only, I think, five months sober, six, six months sober when I met her. Yeah. When I met Taylor, I just, again, like how I am as a person, it's really hard for me to feel like I like, like someone enough to give someone myself.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like, it's just like, like, I just don't ever, I've never felt like I, it's hard for me to find somebody where I really am like, yes, like I want to be with you. And with Taylor, when I met her, that's where I kind of felt really scared. It scared me more than anything.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
It scared me for so many different reasons because, one, given her whole background, her whole situation of what she was just coming from. I was scared of that. So she was already famous, wasn't she, when you met her? And mom talked famous. Well, yeah. No, no. The scandal was already out. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, she was famous.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
But the funny thing is, I actually didn't know about really anything of that until the scandal thing came out. But Taylor, we have mutual friends.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I can hear it. I can hear it in your voice. Dude, yeah, it's so weird. It's like the one thing. That's how I know when I'm nervous. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
yeah this is going on in my life yeah like my tiktok page at that time was like just like goofy like weird stuff and then like all of a sudden you know i'd see a few things about this i was like my girlfriend Yeah, well, and what's funny is, like I said, like my best friend is like, she like, she was friends with Taylor. And so, and I had like other mutual friends that knew Taylor.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And the other- Is she divorced at this point? I want to say she was, like, I think she was. I don't know. I mean, I think she was like- But she was definitely separated. Oh yeah, yeah, no, yeah. She was like, yeah, no, no, no, yeah. It was like- I'm not trying to create a scandal. Yeah, don't say that. But yeah, I think she was fully divorced at this time.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And the funny part is she actually she followed me on Instagram maybe a year before that, which is really funny from like my friend. I think like you would post stuff of me. And so she followed me. But like, I didn't really think anything of it. Right. And she was like married, had kids because I got school.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
but and so like we followed each other and then um yeah and then like once all that happened like some dms were exchanged and then it got to all what happened what once all what happened like just uh like following each other back yeah like yeah like and then like dming each other okay And to be honest with you, for me, I, I really didn't think like she even would want to hang out.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I was just like, you're just going through so much right now. Anyways, probably it was like, this, that was like the last thing that's probably going to happen. And then, yeah, that eventually happened and we like hung out.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, she was very aware. I'm super open with that side of things. So she knew about all of that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. And that was... really scary thing that that night was i mean you want to talk about being like in a position of what do you do that that's how i that's how it felt and i get a lot of shit for that still but also well i mean i mean it don't help just kind of being a dude like i want to be honest like just i think being a guy in that situation is it it was really scary for me
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And it was scary for me because her kids were there.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so I did take a video. I videoed it. And the only reason I did that was I didn't know what was going to happen. And so my truck was in the garage. So I could not leave. I tried to leave. It just was so bad.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Well, she was hammered. She was absolutely hammered. And so I don't know if you remember in the first season even, but like that was like one of my big things was I was like, hey, look, if you want to party, you want to do those things, you can go do it. I just I'm not I don't want to be there.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
yeah I don't want to be in that I don't want to be in a relationship like that and I even said that like I made it very clear I was like it's fine if that's what you want to do like it has you know you're good to do that I just I don't want to be around that I don't want to deal with that and you know obviously it happened multiple multiple multiple times and I think for me at that time it was tough because it's like well guess what that's a world that I know I understand that world and I could also see that Taylor was absolutely suffering
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like she was going through a lot. And so I think that's the part in me that was just very forgiving of it of just, I'll let you just kind of like try to see if maybe you could work some of this out. But that night specifically, it was, you know, when people get really drunk, right, it can go in phases of like emotional to then anger. Like it will change.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so when I picked her up from this party, when I was driving home, she just was like, you know, crying, breaking down and just like hated herself for kind of, you know, I think everything she did, I think with like, you know, her family, like losing everything. It was actually really, really sad to see that happen. And yeah, it was just she was just, you know, just in shambles.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, well, I think what happened was he eventually kind of told me like, you know, a little bit more detail about him. Like, it is kind of like a drug. Like, you know, but like, I think just because it was a pill and it was like, I don't know. I didn't see, I think, the bad side of that in that way.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And when I got to her house at this time, I didn't know her kids were there, by the way, either. I had no idea. So I actually pulled up next to her house and I was trying to carry her in the house. And this didn't look good. But like for like with my luck, there's a there's a person that's going on a walk at night.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
that is walking around the corner and Taylor is just, you know, just crying and like just and it and I'm kind of like nervous of just that part now. I'm like and so I had to just make sure I told that person even like I'm like, hey, she's just really drunk. Like, I'm just trying to get her in the house. Like, but even then.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Even then I was kind of like, gosh, damn. I was like, I don't know what to do. And then I go, I get her to the front door. It's locked. And then she's like, oh, my keys are in my truck at the party, like where she was at because she left her vehicle. And so I'm like, oh, so I put her back in the car. Drove all the way back to the party, grabbed the keys, then came all the way back.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
This is where things changed. And the other part of her came out like it was the anger part. It was so fast when it switched. But when I got there, I pulled into her garage and parked, helped her in the house. And sure enough, she had a sitter that was watching her kids. So the craziest part is if I would have known that, I could have just knocked on the door and got her in bed.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Everything would have been okay at that time. But because of having to go back and then...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Nope, not at this time. The part where I was upset was in the very beginning of her just choosing to get drunk again. Because she even told me she wasn't going to drink. And again, this was just time and time and time after again. But even then, like once, once she was in the car and stuff and it was like, I was just kind of like, I just don't, I don't know why you're, you keep doing this.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
No, no, no. Meaning. Yeah. Like, I guess I understood it, but like, it just felt cause I just gave her that ultimatum of like, uh, well, it wasn't like an ultimatum, but it kind of was in the beginning of just like, Hey, look, like,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I just don't like dealing with that stuff. And because that is all I've ever seen my whole life. I've always seen the negative effects, whether it's alcohol or anything else. And obviously, coming back, when she was broken, I was just immediately like, okay. I'm going to just try to take care of you, get you in the house.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then when we got into the house, when I came back, like the sitters, like it was immediately like so chaotic that like even I told them, I was like, hey, she's just really drunk. I'm going to try to just get her to bed. And like the second they walked out the door, it was like, Yeah, essentially, it just turned into the most craziest thing ever. Like, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. And I mean, I could go into detail, but I do feel kind of bad. And that's what's really sad, though, too, is because, I don't know, I do feel like now it's hard for me because I get a lot of people that are like, it was him. He was the one that did this and provoked her and pushed her to this thing. Sure.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Didn't. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I had no idea. And so we're there, I'm pouring like handfuls of these pills, dude, putting them in my pocket. And then that same kid was like, I also hear that if you snort them, they work better. And so the second time ever, and it was more of a joke, like it was like funny, like we were like laughing about, he's never done it. And so he's like, let's try it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, a lot of people say that. I mean, clearly there's probably a side to it where it feels that way.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, probably both. I mean, but here's the side that like, yeah, again, the context of me and Taylor's relationship, if you knew everything, it would all make a thousand times more sense.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And that's like the thing is it's, you know, you're getting these like bits and pieces and you're getting Taylor where, you know, it's whether it's a scene or, you know, whether she's triggered and super upset at me. For good reason, for a lot of the stuff. I get it. I did. And especially given her background and her daddy issues, the things I did were hurting the parts in her.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so we tried it. And I remember when I was driving home, that was like the first time I felt Like a high. Like and I remember when I was driving home and I was like, this is the best feeling in the world. Like I was like, this feels so good. Like I just felt like anything inside of me was just like gone. Like I felt very like just I was like, I don't really care about anything right now.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
yeah no great question i think for me during that time like when i first when i first hung with taylor even again that like taylor was just going through all all this stuff right so like taylor like the you know the first thing she's like told me was like i'm not ready for any relationship for a long time so i knew that right from the gate and i and i didn't expect that from taylor it's not like i expected her to be like ready to just jump into a relationship and not only that but
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I was also coming from the whole other side for me too, to where I was kind of like, I don't know what I want either, but I am the type of person where I crave love. I want, like, I love love. And there's a part where I always feel like maybe I'll never find it. I'm like, I'm always like, I was like, I don't know if I'll ever find it, but like, I want it so bad.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And when I did start hanging with Taylor, I realized right away that I was like, oh, she's like, she's so cool. And I, I wasn't sure, like, I didn't know what she was going to be like. And I feel like our personalities and just like, uh, who we are as people, it was just like a really cool bond and connection.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And if I'm being a hundred percent honest, there was a big part of me, like even, even some of the girls that were involved, like during that time, for example, like, you know, I, again, like coming from my background, I never dated. I've never dated like ever. I married my high school sweetheart. I don't even know if I went on a date before that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
So I married my high school sweetheart, was on drugs, never dated, moved to Utah, the capital dating world of the century. Every single person is like, just date 50 girls. Just be going on dates and do this and that. So I don't think I really had a good...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
guidance of how to even navigate that side of things of like how do I do this of like taking these girls out but also you know not screwing things up and being like a piece of shit and so like some of those girls like there was there was already like a lead up of things right like so like I already took one girl out like like once or twice or hung with her a few times with my group of friends and
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like the other girl, like I took out a couple of times. So like those were just like things that were already happening. And then like Taylor was just in the mix of that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. And you want to know the funniest part? I have never asked a girl, like just based off of like my personality, like, especially in the beginning, but like, I remember I was so, I couldn't read Taylor ever because, And I was asking Taylor questions like I felt like a like a girl. Like I was like, what am I to you? Like I'm like like pretty early on.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I'm just like, what are you wanting with me? Because I just I don't know. And I could tell something inside of me liked her like like I knew it and it scared me really bad. And so there was also that part of I didn't want her to hurt me. Like I was like, I feel like you're going to hurt me. And that's the sad part is I was one that hurt her.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I think part of that was maybe me just kind of maybe even a little bit of like sabotaging it just kind of like because I was so afraid of how much I like Taylor and how afraid I was of her and knowing that. I didn't know really what she wanted or if this could even be a thing. And during that time, she was still talking to the man she had an affair with. And I'm not stupid.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I can obviously read those things. I still knew there was something going on there that it just kind of put me in a spot of, I didn't feel like I could almost, well, I could have, but I didn't really necessarily want to give her 100% of me. Because I felt I was afraid of that. I didn't want to get hurt by that because that's how I am. When I'm all in, I'm all in.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so that's what led to some of those dumb mistakes in that beginning stages there. And she knew about both of them, by the way, before we dated. The thing that I did was I just lied. Well, I just left out certain details. Lied. Yes, I lied. I lied. I did. I lied.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And from there, it just, it just progressed really fast. Like I, you know, I eventually just got to where I started getting those as much as I could. And like my personality at the time, like I was, I was friends with everybody. So it was like, I was friends with the skater kids. I was friends with the drug addict kids.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, exactly. And like, I was just meaning more of the detail side of it. And like, yeah, again, I mean, a lie is a lie. Like I, I, I screwed up. Like I, I know I did it wrong.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
What like individually or for me and Taylor to be for you and Taylor?
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Well, one of them would have been me, to be honest. And I have now it's been a really cool experience for me. It's been the worst experience ever for me. But if you want to talk about like a massive learning experience and just kind of like finally seeing that I've never really understood that. Like I, you know, in my head again. Yeah, I was justifying that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like I and it was really easy for me to do it in my head because I was like, This poor girl is suffering. Like when I was dating her, I was like, I don't want to like add any more fuel to that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. And that's like, that's a total, you know, addicts are known for being liars. That's like a big thing. You get really good at lying. and justifying that stuff.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And the weird part is, though, even when I was dating, like before Taylor, even when I moved to Utah, I was very brutally honest with everyone, like with every girl I dated, anything like I didn't even care because I was like, I'm just going to tell you how it is. Like, I don't know if I want anything. do what you want with that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And with Taylor, because I knew I liked her, that went out the window. I was like, oh no, I don't know if I can, I don't know if I want to tell you this. Like, I don't know if I want to say this. And,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
That's where I just, yeah, it sucks because there is a part of me where I feel like maybe, and I don't know if it would have changed anything because there was a lot of other stuff going on that in my eyes, I just, I don't know if it would have changed. But again, it's not even about that. It's about, yeah, just me doing the right thing and just staying true to myself.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I think if I could have just been so honest with her, and just been like, hey, this is what I did. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what fear, whatever you want to call it, like me just being a dumbass, but I owe you this of just knowing the truth and to at least just give you that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I was like, so then that branched out, you know, because then some of the drug addict friends of mine, I was like, Hey, can you get me some of this stuff? And they're like, yeah, we can. And then like, and then it bumped to oxy. And then from oxy, you know, you can go up in the milligrams of those.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
There was four. Well, I mean, four of like, well, there was two that were actually like in the relationship. Sure. And then, you know, the two were before we dated, but the two, when I was in the relationship at, well, I, well, gosh, I guess I can't even say that. Cause she broke up with me. So technically, no, I wasn't even dating her, but it's good about, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
But just, I'm just saying, but like that, like even the lies there, like, so those were two to where we were actually like in that pro like in the relationship phase. And yeah, one of those lies is really fresh right now. And that one is, uh, yeah, that one hurt me.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
No, this is, well, I don't know. We'll see, man. It's just, yeah, it's like that one kind of hurt me. What do you mean hurt you? Well, meaning just that it hurt me to lie about it. And the context of everything changes a lot too. And I think that's a big part of it is even right now, like I can't give you the context of it. I can't. Like about me and Taylor, I can't do it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, there you go. Yeah, and I actually, I grew up on a farm too. So I lived like a, just kind of like a country life. It was, it was awesome.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yes. And that is all I've ever done. And I think that's why it's always been so hard for me because it has always felt like I have never been able to tell what Dakota has actually experienced throughout this because... It matters. Like it, it, it does. It changes a lot.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then like before I knew it and I had no idea that I remember I was in class and over the intercom, it's when like, uh, the pill epidemic was like getting really bad. They announced it over the intercom and, uh, They were saying like, hey, you know, just like talking about like how addictive it is and how how bad they are. And I remember I was like sitting there.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I mean, if, If you want the actual statistic numbers there, I mean, I would say it's about 98% her.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Right. Yeah. I mean, okay. So for me, like if you're talking about like this side of it, like, and again, you're right. This is, by the way, this, this is a hundred percent on me too. Like as far as I I'm in charge of my life. Yeah. I like at any moment I can be like, Dakota, stop. You're just continuing the cycle of this.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I was like, well, I'm kind of scared right now. And so I remember right after that, I was like, I'm not going to do it anymore. And I tried to stop. And I was like, I couldn't like already. I was like, I couldn't stop.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. And, uh, I think that is, yeah, again, that's the part where, yeah, I didn't show up. Right. Like I, I a hundred percent fell in that area.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Well, right now, right now in this moment, I have nothing. I like that. She has it all.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like meaning anything like, like any of those secrets or anything that, you know, that I lied to her about, or, you know, didn't give her full details. Like she has everything right now. Okay. And again, you want, and then if I am being honest and I know a lot of people from like a, like a viewer point of view, and you might understand this, but having everything aired out to the world is,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Is a lot different than just going to a person you care about or your family and telling them something like you want to talk about fear that that's the scariest feeling in the world because. And then doing it with a show. you don't like, if I have any control over yet, you don't have, if they're missing something, it's like, that's not how it was. And that to me was really hard to grasp.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
That was hard to understand that. I was like, I don't want to be torched to the world for it. I just want to have like a moment with you where I can do this, like where I can talk to you. I have like a safe place to talk, but that's not the case. And if you know, Taylor,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
it's to the world and and that's just how she is like it and that's her thing and that's what she's known for is like it will be you know if there's something that she knows she's gonna share it and that's a really it's scary sometimes that's it scares me to death is that why you're kind of protecting this issue that y'all are currently trying to work through Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's, yeah.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And it's just like a, it's a long thing, but like, again, like the end of the day and Taylor, Taylor has admitted this too. Like, and she'll like, she's admitted it to me. She might not admit it to her friend. She might not admit it on camera. We have hurt each other both like really bad. You don't think she'd admit that? I don't know. Maybe she would. I always get... I don't know, dude.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I'm always feeling like... Every time I see Taylor, I can't tell. It's like sometimes I feel like she's ready to kill me when she sees me or she's kind of nice. So that's like... I believe that. I think you're a trigger for her.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Not long. Yeah, it was like it was like maybe like a day or two.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Well, that's the thing is it's that that was the addiction part of it. And if you don't understand addiction, like like and especially for me being so young, like I didn't know like all of those symptoms of like a. You're going to, you know, your body's going to crave it. You're like, your mind starts to change.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Right. Okay. Yes. Okay. Cause, cause this is a thing. So me and Taylor have the same therapist. Yeah. So it's, it's for you guys. You guys are together though. So, but, uh, so like that takes a lot of work. Yeah, it does. And that's the thing. And so like, even just with that alone, like that concept of like, yeah, like I need to be her rock. I need to be there for her.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I think the part that was so hard, and this is what I've talked to like, you know, art therapists about a lot is I am being pushed away completely. Like, and, and this, this has been for a very long time. So like for me, like in any relationship, right. If you were to, if you know, if you like, let's say you hurt his trust. Okay. You did something bad.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like for you to show Nick that like you can be trusted again. The only way to do that is by you showing up for him and showing him by action, by doing certain things to gain that trust back.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then you gain your trust back. Yeah. And I think the part that was really hard is I've never... How it's felt for me is I've never felt like I've actually had Taylor ever.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Because I've... Whether it's me wanting to show her in ways or have something like...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
like taylor's been broke up with me just so you guys know for 11 months sure so it's how old is your son uh he's four almost 14 months and so it has been like that was the part where it was really hard and i was trying to like figure that out with like the therapist i was like hey like if i'm wanting to like try to like show her or like have something but at the same time it's like
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Like it's, it's telling you like, Hey, you need these or you start to justify it to you really start to justify everything of being like, it's not that bad. Like you're good. Like you can, you can keep doing it. You're fine. I can always stop. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's kind of what it felt like. I was like, I'm fine. It's not like doing anything to me. And then, yeah.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yes. And that is that is the exact advice that my therapist gave me. She was like, Dakota, there is nothing you can do right now, but literally just say no. Like, I'm not going to I'm not going to keep sleeping with you. I'm not going to like keep doing, you know, seeing you like if, you know, just to focus on me being a co-parent.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
and letting that just be for now and still showing up in the ways that I can in like a healthy way and being supportive and doing all of those things you just said. And yeah, I think that that is the hardest part is again, it's It's so hard because I love her. And it's like, yeah, I don't want to lose her. And part of her wound is abandonment, right?
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
So if she is reaching out to me, it makes me feel shitty sometimes if I say no to that. Because I'm like, that's your biggest fear is me saying no.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then I just started doing like, you know, different things like that. And then I started, I had a buddy that eventually told me you could smoke them off of tinfoil and that changed everything.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, no, you're right. And yeah, that's, yeah, that's what I've been told too. They're like, it's not going to be Taylor that's going to do it. You're going to have to do this. Like you gotta just do it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Bad. Yeah. So like that, and that is what I'm like, uh, I mean, in the last five days or whatever, uh, I have done it. Okay. And so, and I hope that I can like keep with that.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I feel like, especially right now, just given everything, I think I do feel like a big shift in me right now of just wanting to really make sure I do things in a different way moving forward and just like standing my ground and knowing that if I do keep doing this, I mean, it's insanity. It is literally insane.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
insanity it's just like we're doing the same thing over and over again and the result is not changing and so it's like i mean they teach us that like in rehab you know and so yeah it is something that i know i need to just do but the part i think that has always made it so hard for me is the it's the kid part you know i take the kid out of like you take my son out of it The whole thing changes.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I'm saying it's like, well, you got to do what's best. I get all of that. I understand all of that. But it does not mean it's not the hardest thing in the world too, because everything now affects my son too. So whether that's co-parenting, me not getting to see my son as much, this is my first kid. And I've practically had to be doing this co-parenting thing right out the gate.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Well, no, it just allows me to like be around him more, you know, different things like that. So it's like long game, man. Long game. There you go. It's the long game where it's like, it's, it's not doing any, it's not doing any good.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
He was actually, he was a year younger than me. And you want to know the crazy part? His mom walked in on us doing that. And his mom was okay with it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, you're right. And that, yeah. And you're right. And regardless of even what happens with me and Taylor, like, and I do know that I can, it goes back to that whole thing. It's like in the moment, it feels like it's the end of the world. Like I'm like, oh my gosh, I'll never, I'll never have happiness again. I'll never, I'll never find someone again or be able to, uh,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
have a family, you know, I'll never have like a full, like a family. And I think that's just something I've always craved so bad my whole life that I just, I want that more than anything. And it's, you know, it's not, it's not working and maybe not working right now, which is, and that's fine. And it is very much out of my control to where now I need to just do the right thing. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I actually, when I got sober, the last time I got sober- I think it was just hard for me to be in Idaho just during that time because like everywhere I went, it felt like it was just trigger after trigger. Like it was like, oh, this gas station. Oh, this place like everywhere I went.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, like she never said anything. And I still to this day, when I think back sometimes on that story, I'm like, that was crazy. Like that they just kind of were like, okay with that. And the cool thing is that kid, he's sober now. His mom's sober now. I think his whole family is sober, which is like a miracle. It's really cool because he was really bad too.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Give me some dog. Yeah, I actually love that. Yeah, you're right. That's a spot on. Yeah, that is. Yeah, I do. I actually, I agree 100% with that. And I think that would be something I would look back on, especially because I do feel like I do have a guilty conscience. And I think it would eat away at me down the road. So, and I don't want that either. So, yeah.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Uh-uh. And let me just say, let me just say, I don't not like anybody. I don't not like people. Okay. I love people. That is like, and anybody who knows me knows that the part that I think is hard. And I can't even blame Macy for this. And this is a funny thing. Like she just said something about this too. Like, Oh,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Oh, every time we're together, it's like he's always nice to me and we get along and blah, blah, blah. And to be honest with you, that's the truth. That's not me faking that either. It's like I don't not want to like you. I actually get along with Macy when we hang out and we talk and I'm around her. But the part that...
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Drives me nuts is it's like, I just feel like she sits and just bashes me 24-7.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Right. And I mean, yeah. And it goes back to the same thing though. So it's like, you know, obviously like hurt Taylor. It's like, I know that, I mean, you know, she's not, you know, in those moments and then different things, she's obviously probably just like not saying great things about me. And so for Macy, you know, she's just the one that's sitting there hearing all this.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
But I think the part that just like always bothers me kind of is it's like my friends I vent to or even her husband on the show. It's like, guess what I'm also doing? Like, hey, you know, just.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
No. I see. I am like, I have two sides to me right here. One side, I want to just go off right now because I have very good reason in a lot of these things where it's like, Macy, I mean, I just go based on, let's go off the show. I mean, no offense, but Macy, What's your storyline? Your storyline is literally bashing me. It's bashing me the whole time. That's what she does.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
It's like, I'm Taylor's friend, Dakota's bad. And that is what she has ran with. That's what she does. I mean, even taking like, and I feel like here's the other part to it as well. Me and Taylor, as far as when it comes down to like opening up and sharing things that Probably shouldn't be shared a lot of the time. You guys are definitely the most vulnerable. And there you go.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And he went down a really dark path as well. Yeah, once I started smoking them and then the cost for these pills, it got so crazy. You were spending, they were selling, you know. Because eventually, yeah, people stopped giving them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It got to a point where they were selling them for $50 a pill. And so it's a lot of money.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Which I mean, and if you don't think these other couples have things that they're just, I'm not going to share it. okay, cool. That's fine. But like, you feel like she's being a bit of a hypocrite a thousand percent. And I feel like I am like her, like, it's just, it's perfect. It's perfect for her. It's like, I'm Taylor's friend. They're always fighting. We hate him.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And then like, I think now she's recruited Michaela. So, which is so weird because I, I've always loved Michaela. I, Don't have an issue with them. I don't have an issue with any of them. I just. Just prove them all wrong.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. That things will change. Well, and I do that too with her even. It's like, I'm never like sitting there like fighting with me.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I mean, I don't know how much I can share. I mean, like, if, and these girls, let me just say, like,
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Never. That's clear. And yeah, and so it is one of those things. And I think that is something where I do, unfortunately, I think I'm obviously really hard on myself. And I think I do have that part in me where it bothers me sometimes when people don't like me. And that's not healthy. That's not good either. You know, but like, I really do like people a lot.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so when someone doesn't like me, it like hurts my feeling. Prove them wrong. Yeah. I'm like, why don't you like me? And, and I get it. I understand it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Dude. Well, but that's what's so hard is because it's like you have these girls and they're they're it's to the world. So it's like, and then, I mean, you take even Macy's background, like, like she compares me to her abusive ex. And it's like, those aren't little things to throw around to the public and like, put me in that position of being like, yeah, that's, that's your, that's a fair point.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. And so like, I think that is where I am. Like, I'm a very, like, I get very like defensive of that because I'm like, how dare you? Like, don't like, why would you do that to me? Yeah. Again, I get what you're saying. I'm not saying what you're saying is wrong because you're right. I'm just saying that side of it. I think that is where it's hard for me.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, same. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. And I think, yeah, that's, that's just what I want to. And I just probably have messed that up trying to go about that the right way. So I think there's still a, you can always, I can always change. You're right. There's always a new day tomorrow and I can start. So there you go. Yeah. I want to work on that. Yeah. Thank you for having me.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And during this whole time- How are you making money at this point? Working. I always worked. I was always working. I was construction. You name it. And it was always manual labor. Just growing up in Idaho, I was always doing- At this point, you're high working manual labor.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Thank you for coming. Really cool. I appreciate it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, the funny part is the first time I smoked weed ever in my life, I got caught by my parents because I was so high and I had no idea what it was like. And these stoner kids I was with just kept telling me that it's your first time. You're not going to get high. So I'm just like taking these bong rips. Just like this before.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I think it was right in the beginning phases of it. So, and then I was like, I'm going to try weed. And I was so high in there. Like, ah, dude, you'll be fine. Even you got like three hours, you won't be high or, you know, or something like that. Two hours till you're back home. I came back home and you know, I, I couldn't even, I couldn't talk.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
My dad saw me and it was like an instant, like what is wrong with you? And I remember he was yelling at me and I was laughing because I was so high. Like I just thought it was funny. And so it was crazy because when I look back at everything, it really was a blessing with my family because they caught me with pills really early on as well.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so they knew almost from the start of when I started everything that like I was like kind of like starting to dabble with some of these things. And then from there went to heroin because then oxys were so expensive. Heroin was a little cheaper. Similar highs. So you just transfer and a lot of people do this.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And so I kind of just got to this point where I was like, I want to just leave and then just kind of have a fresh start.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
You know, it registered a little bit because when I first, I believe the first time that I got it. And when you start going into like that world of like the heroin meth side, you start to like truly walk into houses that are just weird. Breaking bad. Yes. It's really, really sad.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I remember being in a lot of houses where my heart would break for just what was going on, which is so weird because I'm sitting here using these drugs, but I'm also looking at the situation and being like, this is crazy. I should not be in this house. But didn't it dawn on you that that was your next destination? No. No.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And and what's crazy is, yeah, the first time that I got heroin, I remember the people that I got from, they were shooting up heroin and watching that was so scary to me because like, you know, it's an instant thing. Like, it's like they'll just go like this. And they're just gone. And that really scared me. And so I remember when I saw that, I told myself, if I ever shoot up, I'm gone.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah, there's just too much history. And I love Idaho. Like, I love it there. But yeah, it was just something I think during that time, it was like the best thing I could do.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I just knew that was the thing. And I've heard when you go to needles, to quit, it's 10 times harder. And so I kind of always made that promise to myself to where I was like, I'm never going to shoot up. And so I was just still smoking. Yeah. So I was just smoking it.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
You know, there was there was a lot of moments because I think with addiction, especially when you're trying to quit.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
mean you're hitting rock bottom a lot like there's there's so many times like i can't tell you how many times where i would be like oh yeah i'm done like i'm not gonna do this anymore like where i'd almost overdose right like and i got rushed to the hospital one time like and i uh you know i just think i kept having these moments and that's where like the power of addiction
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
and how hard it is to quit, it's so wild. I mean, it is your whole life. When you wake up in the morning, it's the first thought in your head. When you go to bed at night, it's the first thought in your head. So your whole life becomes just chasing this high. That's all you're doing every day, 24-7. And you will do anything to get high.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
The craziest thing? Hmm. I mean, I mean, I did, you know, I mean, I'm like.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
Yeah. Thank you guys. I appreciate that. I mean, like I, I stole a lot.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
I stole a lot of stuff from my parents and like would pawn stuff off. I remember we would do this thing. One of my buddies learned that like, like a big thing was tools like power tools. If you like a lot of people, you could get a lot of money for them. So I had a buddy that learned a trick where you could go into these stores. We do it at Walmart even. Sorry, Walmart. Sorry, Home Depot.
The Viall Files
E945 – Going Deeper with Dakota Mortensen
And I think they changed it now because of it. But you would go in, you would grab a tool or something, and then you would walk straight to the return store.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
No, I know. And this is this is helpful because this is what I was leaning towards. And the controversy among my friends was, should I move the goalposts? Because I set an initial date.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
The key is just going to be sticking to it.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Oh yeah. I don't. Yeah. I mean, I don't, maybe not, probably not, but it's, I mean, it's always a possibility.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
No more stuffing. It was the best Thanksgiving ever.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
And that's going to be, I don't, that's going to be tough.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
No shot. He is ready. No shot. I literally, Nick, I have taught him how to cook. He did not know how to do anything.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Oh yeah. And I mean, the whole reason that he like makes it says that he doesn't want to label is because of the optics. He's like, people are going to think I moved on too fast.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Good. My name is Dakota. I'm 27 years old. And I got more than just my turkey stuffed on Thanksgiving. Did I mess up the friend group?
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
I hooked up with my roommate slash best friend's friend who just got out of an eight-year relationship with her other friend.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
They are now. We were kind of becoming a friend group.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
One of the biggest potential problems already happened, actually. So my best friend, Jessica, she felt like she needed to tell his ex, Emily, just because they're friends. And I guess she's devastated.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
And they were broken up. They were broken up for like four months before we hooked up.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Because she I guess they had been talking about the breakup all the time. Emily had been calling her like almost daily just to talk about the breakup for like hours on end because she was spiraling over the whole thing.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Right. She just thought that she figured that she was going to hear from someone else. And if Jessica wasn't the one who told her, she knew that she would just not be happy about that.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Yeah. So that happened. And then the guy, we can call him Brad, he ended up feeling the need to go and talk to Emily, his ex, about it in person for like hours.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Lost her shit, yeah. It turned into a whole ordeal.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
How old are you again? I'm 27, they're 29. Okay. But what I didn't know at the time was happening- It's giving college. Was that Brad was still telling Emily that there was a chance they were getting back together. I did not know that.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Everyone, including him. Now I found that out. But at the time, that was not made clear to me.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
He honestly hadn't been. They hadn't spoken in a couple months, I would say. They had both mutually agreed to block each other. So they hadn't talked in a while.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
That doesn't also mean... That he said that to her, it had been probably at least a couple weeks, if not a month, before we hooked up.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
No, I completely agree with you. And hence, I hooked up with him on Thanksgiving and the next night.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
But no, at the time, I didn't know the whole ordeal. And I also didn't anticipate all the drama that would follow. Since then, it's continued. I think my initial question for you was, should we continue doing this? And
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
So that's the current question. So it's one of those classic situationships, right? He just got out of an eight-year relationship. He's not like... Oh, they dated for eight years? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Yeah. And I've been single for about three years. So I am looking for, you know, something real.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
He, yeah, so he is, you know, we kind of started it out expecting it to be like a light, fun hookup after a night out type of situation. But it's turned into spending a lot of nights together, a lot of like full weekends together, going on dates, doing the whole, like I'm playing house, essentially. Okay. And that wasn't really my doing. I didn't push for it.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
He was naturally the one to be like, come over. Let's do this. Let's go out on this date. Let's spend another night together.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
So I was not upset. I was not upset with his initiatives. But at this point, it kind of feels more serious to me. He is a relationship guy. So he's not the type to just do a hookup situation in his life. So I've heard from my best friend.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Anyway, so we've turned into this kind of situationship of sorts. But the kicker is I actually just said to him, if you don't know by mid-February if you want to put a label on this or not, then we should just go back to being friends. So I kind of gave, not necessarily an ultimatum, but like... How'd you say it? I said it in this in the sense of we don't even know what this is right now.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
You know, it was kind of when after all the drama went down, I was like, we don't know what this is. We don't really know each other that well. We'd been good friends for a couple of months, but hadn't explored a lot romantically. And I said, I know that you're
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
still going through it still you know trying to get your footing as an independent person moving into a new apartment and you know having a whole new life of sorts after an eight-year relationship so let's just take some time get to know each other and by mid-february if we you know can't figure out what this is then we should just go back to being friends okay what do you say he thought that was great and your plan as to what keep playing house for now
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
The issue is, obviously, like I said, this moved a lot faster than I anticipated when I set these ground rules of, you know, let's wait a few months and see. And since then, he has brought it up, like the whole label thing, a couple times. Because I was planning on dropping that, saying this is our plan, and leaving it. But he has brought it up a couple times and saying...
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
Things like, oh, I'm still not ready yet, but we're heading in the right direction.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
So here's the kicker on that one. We're going on vacation together in two weeks.
The Viall Files
E885 Ask Nick - The Best Bangsgiving Ever
The Bahamas. With friends. It's not just us. But we're sharing a room the whole nine yards.