Damien Haas

Yes.

I'm also on new meds.

Piss me off. That just pisses me off.

That you don't need. It's not oxygen. It's not hope.

Yeah, you can't buy anger.

You can't.

Oh.

Fine.

I knew it.

I knew you were shrinking.

Air?

Wind?

Oh, fun.

Fun. A vase of flowers. Good housekeeping.

I don't know why I don't like that one.

It's a trust issue either way. Right, yeah. It's, you know, there are video games out there that are pornographic. So it's like, if he's gonna play video games in the other room, like, oh, I can't stop thinking about the potential of you doing that. It's like, you have to sort of have that separation with hobbies. And something tells me that

this is the type of person that would have the same kind of insecurity if she had a dodgeball local league that she would go to and be like, are you going there to meet guys? You have to have that level of trust or you're not ready for a relationship.

Can I add a little something to that? Yeah. When she said, this is a book for teens written by a literal Mormon, I think that might be Twilight. Probably.

You both came into it with a hot head, but she was put there by the physical pull. Yeah, so... I don't know, when reading stories like this, I'm always sort of trying to pick apart what the author of the post is saying, to be like, what could this be sort of misconstrued as? And throughout the beginning, I was like, oh, what if the boyfriend feels insecure?

Like, I can never make you feel this way. I can't do that. But even if that is the case, there are so many better ways to communicate that before snide remarks, pulling on a headphone, giving an ultimatum. If you're feeling insecure in a relationship, you have to communicate and be like, I... it hurts my feelings because I feel like I can't give you what you want. What do you feel about that?

And then she could be like, oh no, I don't want you to be a crazy vampire guy kidnapping me in your castle. I don't know. But like, whatever.

Can't yank. Someone send that girl some AirPods.

The Good Intercourse Dragon by Kyle. Here you go. Just Kyle?

If I saw a book in the bookstore and there was one name.

Well. There you go. You know what's crazy about that? It is a pretty big pattern where if someone is being unfaithful, they will often look at you and be like, I bet you're unfaithful. In fact, you're mean and you're unfaithful. Right, they're justifying their unfaithfulness.

No! Unless there's way more information.

Not the cookie! The guy from the last story has crawled through my TV like Samara.

Yeah, what a goof.

Honestly, that guy that cheated on her, real goof move. Yeah. For sure. Absolute goof move. Yeah. Wow. Goofy movie. That's a good one.

Yeah, I'm gonna just say, nice hair. and you don't know which way I mean that. So now you don't know whether I'm Schrodinger's bully.

Goofy movie. There's just two minutes where we're both like, we're all trying to do the like perfect cast.

Yeah, I was about to say, where do you even get that?

I think it's also like a guilt thing and it's hard to be on like I think the receiving end of that because you're like, how do I clock this? Because if someone's acting weird and calling out a thing about me, I do want to at least consider that there might be something wrong about me and like, am I the asshole? Like friends told me different things but then it's, you know, later it's all so clear.

And you know. I've been listening to like video essays from Gabby Bell. Okay. Then just had the Twilight one on recently and I was like, I didn't know Stephanie Meyer was Mormon. And then so, here we go. That's how you know. And that's what made the whole video.

I'm out. I'm a milk-only guy. I think you can, moths have, like, those fibers. I think you can, like, comb Mothman and make a little, like, sweater. Oh, that's nice. Weaving. I wove the Mothman. I'll have to check it out.

By Kyle. 23M, parentheses, horny. Okay. I haven't had caffeine in like two weeks and I just chugged a yerba mate before this because I was real sleepy.

That's great.

Someone could bring in a full-scale replica of a Pokemon for their desk, and we'd just be like, oh dude, sick Skarmory. Got to move it for meetings, but that's awesome.

You know? I would go so far as to say with that, maybe they both have their thing. Like, who's the favorite at what? Or like, well, this is my territory. So like, modeling is clearly her thing, her dream. Got it. And so for the brother to be there and succeed where she has not is probably a lot to deal with for a 22-year-old and a 19-year-old. Right. But you gotta get past that.

She even said that too. She's like, yeah, this is like right up my brother's alley and I dress quote unquote normally. I'm like, okay, you've got a lot to learn. If you're going to an audition, you have to at least somewhat show them like, oh, I could work in a similar style. Look how easy it is to see me. You shorten the imagination they have to use.

Yeah, if you have to audition for a role that's like a little boy, you're not going to go in a three-piece suit.

Yeah, exactly.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, he needs to reconnect with his childhood. He needs a whole ghost of Christmas now and before and later to teach him, remember when you were a boy and you liked the NES? Look, they've still got it.

Thank you.

100%.

Thank you.

I had a conversation about this recently with someone who's probably of like boomer age and they're very sweet and like very curious about things, not judgmental but like curious. And so they, I basically talked about how our generation has more fun and is less worried about like growing up because all of the benefits of growing up have been kind of taken from us.

No more. Walk away. Goodbye. I'm all set.

Update, he has 30 kids. To get back at me, he had 30 kids right now.

My wife and I share the only outlet in our city. People come from miles to see it. We are an electricity oasis.

This is a mess, first of all. I'm gonna go ahead and throw out a prediction. I think there's gonna be an update. I think she's cheating on him.

You can't really have a stable job. The inflation is not kept up with wage or vice versa. Yeah, you're not gonna get a house. It's all these different things. So why should we put away all these childish things that give us joy? Because other things are not. And she was like, I guess that makes a lot of sense.

Like, yeah, that's the only thing I can think of that's literally like, look, I know money doesn't grow on trees. You gotta have a second way to charge the phone if it's that important to one person. Also, if it's out of...

I wonder what the dynamic is there too, and maybe I'm reading into it too much, but the fact that like, if a phone is at 100% and that is his charger right there, the fact that he, like he didn't really ask, he was doing it at the same time as asking, but like the fact that you would have to ask, like that's the dynamic of like, your phone's at 100. Of course I can use it. Right?

Like, why are you asking? What kind of eggshells are there?

Something's up. Also, even if it's not, you know, they said they've been together five years. She's 25, he's 28. They met when she was 20. Like, when people are like, your brain isn't fully developed, that scientific study is misquoted all the time. To my understanding, they stopped the study after 25 because the brain kept developing and they thought it would cut off sooner than that.

Yeah. Oh, I had something like that last year.

I think your brain develops your whole life. Right. Right, you're constantly learning. But outside of that, you are still doing a lot of growth between 20 and 25.

She's great, she's great. She's awesome. She always listens and is just like, so why is this like that? I'm like, well, you see. And she's really cool. That's wonderful. Also, Pokemon fucking rocks.

Yeah. If she turns out to be the co-worker from the last story with the cheating? Oh, that'd be a cookie.

He's still, oh, no.

I did karate as a kid and I wasn't cool, but I also had a bowl cut and I don't think I ever felt worried about getting hurt because of that.

Yeah, he's pretty cool. So sick. Yeah, yours is Chansey? You know it, Chansey, Blissy. Not Happiny as much, but Chansey, Blissy.

It must be so hard being a parent wanting to support, but also just like, it's probably just so hard to see your kids sad.

And then the Litwick line I love. Oh fun, hell yeah. And I know you're Porygon. Porygon and ditto.

A month later. Taekwondo classes. He hit puberty and looks like Fabio now and it beats up everyone.

Very confusing.

It's like flying in water, and you're like, I beg your unbelievable goddamn pardon. What did you say about that dragon? Right.

No, it's water.

Where can people find you?

It's like 20 years later, I'm standing here at the front of your wedding, just like, any time there's a jump, yeah, you're right, that is a punch. Oh my god.

You know what? That's cool. We don't have to body shame tiny dicked bullies. It's true.

I think Addendum, if he's also is concerned about self-defense, it's that moment of like he has that talk and he's like, I'm very proud of you. And then the lights go off and he says, now you must strike to kill or you'll never hit me. Your training begins today. I'm like, that's a good dad. You must be prepared for anything at any time. Use your shadow clone jutsu. And this is a mace.

Oh, mace like the spray? No, a mace. That's a flail, dad. You've done well.

Oh my god, I'm still leaking. Oh god. Yeah, I'm on meds that doesn't let me cry, so it just shoots out one and it hurts.

No, I finished a video game this weekend that's like a 90-hour game, and it like, I just wept, because it's a good story, so I'm like, I'm all out. Metaphor? No, after metaphor, I was like, God, no. I did cry after Metaphor, no, Persona 3, I cried after, which is also Atlas published, so that's like Metaphor.

Shane has a big surprise for the audience.

Well, when you chew it, you get some dextrose for the flavoring.

They're both like clearly done with each other and there needs to be like a more radical shift than just like we're working on it or like I bought you a cookie. It's like have a conversation.

And also like I fall into the trap or I'd like to think less so now but I always used to fall into the trap of like I know I've got this mental health condition. I'm working on it. I'm always curious, like, what does working on it mean?

You might be aware of it, but what does it, you know, and for your wife, if you haven't made any progress and if this has popped up before and you've had conversations, that might be the, like... So I don't have enough information to say asshole versus not asshole, but like you, it's just... This is one of those things where for most couples, and you hear this, it's a silly story. Yeah.

Yeah, back and forth forever. It's also clear that they both seem to be at their wit's end. He's like, I had a dollar in my change at the car all day, and it was like, damn. And then she's just like, all I needed was this cookie. And they need to be in a place where they can support each other in a relationship, not be like, uh-oh, an obstacle when I'm home.

Yeah. I think that's fair. I do think it skews more to him being the asshole. I would also say if he does start to work on his ADHD stuff and really tries to communicate, then there would be work from her where she could help accommodate.

For me, if the only cookie I could have was separate, hidden in a bag, it's like, no, if this guy accidentally eats cookies, you put yours in the bag and be like, yours is right there.

Not his. And also, I don't mean to blame her, I'm just like, I get very specific with instructions sometimes. She's also like, there's a cookie in there. This one is our daughter's, do not eat it. Enjoy your cookie. And I'm like, why? Just say the two on the top are not for you, yours isn't.

Yeah, our aura. Yeah. Yeah. Just unstoppable. Cool guy. Riz, I guess. Yeah. Okay.

Exactly. I also find it suspicious that he barely mentions the daughter. Is she not the asshole? I know, I think it's the daughter. I think it's the daughter.

Mountain out of a macaron. There you go.

It's the title. That's my favorite thing as a Smosh viewer is like, it's often like Angela. Angela's like, cut that. I don't want that. And I'm like, I'm seeing it.

What's an ultimatum you could have over audiobooks? Can I throw out a guess? Well, yeah. I think it's going to be like, okay, it's passionate interstellar lovers. It's going to be a little bit spicier books.

Be like, I don't do that. I do almost exactly that, though.

No, I don't think you're weird. I think it's like, if I were in his shoes, I think I would have a problem with it because smell is so important and tied to emotion. Like, there's a certain, you know, smell that my dad used to wear. You don't want your partner wearing that.

No, but I mean, like, if I smell that, like, I get a little choked up because it's the most, like, direct connection to, like, oh, man, you know. But, like... I don't know, if I had a partner that smelled like my sister and I immediately thought, oh, that's my sister's smell. I would feel a little weird. So you're not an addict.

I guess that's how this person's probably feeling.

It's like it's like you got the same perfume for them like this is you're not like a horrible But this is a binary like yes or no asshole situation like Otherwise, it's like give me a full breakdown on why this was wrong and right? That's not what it is.

That's not enjoyable. And gift giving is so damn fun. I love finding, like, if you have a conversation with someone and they mention something, you just write it down. And then later, like, not to toot my own horn, but, like, I'm good at a couple things and one is gift giving. I can give some banger gifts because I've had people cry, like, oh, my God, this thing that I lost from my childhood.

I'm like, yeah, I listened when you told that story ten months ago. Like, it's not that crazy hard to do. You're missing out on them. basically by being like two for one special.

Here's what you do, you re-gift it to her.

She'll love it.

We've already had that story here. Yeah, probably. Yeah, it was like, I gave lingerie to my bestie and my girlfriend thought it was weird and we're like, I got news for you, Chipper. Chipper!

Our next story.

Super doesn't like it as teachers when you're in first through twelfth grade. Yeah.

I learned not to, but my brain was like, don't you want to know the information? And now I'm like, oh. That's so sweet. They hate you.

They just stick onto the mountains when it rains. I can't. We're gonna grow here. Stay here forever. Colorado's actually pretty nice. Dude, look, there's a lot of people who, like, we carry certain beliefs from childhood, and it's only those moments where you're like, oh, snap.

Like, I had a moment, like, maybe a year or two ago, but, like, way too late, where, you know, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. I was like, oh... you know, kids, close your ears. But I was like, maybe the, okay, the dad is dressed up as Santa Claus. I thought that was a literal song about like, oh, mom's kissing Santa because there's a mistletoe, and then, haha, I hope dad doesn't know.

And I was like, oh, that's the whole point of the song. And you just don't think critically about those things.

Macking it with the mom, because why else would he do the whole toy thing? You've got to get something out of it. Sorry. I can't. I'm just going to yes and it. I'm gonna just keep yes-anding and digging myself a hole. But like, you can't double down and then be like, oh yeah, prove it. And then if you're proven wrong, crumble.

Actually, no, that one's not, that one's not.

Goats.

It's like skim milk, but you take off the G and it's oats.

Goat milk is crazy.

That's crazy. I have a hard time believing that he got written up for this, though. I would foresee an HR person being like, hey, I heard about what happened with Janice. That's kind of weird. Just... We're not gonna put you on shifts with Janice for a while. Yeah, Janice.

I love to chug it. You're gonna chug it. Hey, I'm gonna have to write you up. If you appear in court and get the taillight fixed, this goes away. Here's some chalky milk.

Woo! Dude, I also think, if anything, if I were the manager, I'd be like, wait, sorry, hold the phone. Why are you making chocolate milk? You didn't have a break at the same time. What were you doing?

Yeah, it's like, you went to the store and got chocolate and milk? That's as much as we pay you in an hour. That's so true. Why did you do that? That's your week's worth of pay.

Vanilla milk? No. Damien, don't you have some lore with vanilla milk? Shane and I do, yeah. And I ended up making it on the lunchtime with Ian and Anthony. But Shane had a then-girlfriend that was over and just like, God, I'm so hungry right now. I could eat anything. And I was like, oh, I could make you some vanilla milk. Just like randomly. Like it was all I had. Just...

You drink milk when you're hungry, because it slightly fills you up, and it's tasty when it's vanilla. Those are the two ingredients I have. I was broke in 24.

I guess beggars can be choosers. I hate this. What is your recipe for vanilla milk? It's vanilla and milk and sugar. It is vanilla milk and sugar. It's not really good.

And first of all, not my girlfriend. I don't care. I'll fart and then leave. It's my house. Two, my room is the big one, so I had a sofa and TV and art in my room. Yeah, the rooms were good.

Scary place.

She, crazy old man, sometimes ended up in our yard at home. I can't.

And our AC did not work. They just didn't want us to use it because it was expensive. I'll say this, Amanda. 23-year-old guy, real vanilla extract? That's not cheap. No, okay. That is true.

You're welcome. I know. Oh, boy. You should have hunted something for her.

I had to shepherd them out of our shed one time. It was funny. Yeah.

What a time.

It's like you're probably not gonna be making money as a stand-up until you're 40 No, cuz you have to put in so many years right 100% I think everything up to what he said about her never making it was Understandable, you're right. He let his resentment build up He had way too high level of a conversation for where they actually were at in terms of communicating with each other but

Yeah, I mean, you don't have a job right now. And you can't just be like, oh, I'm working on my inspiration. Until you're actually doing the thing, you have to balance a couple jobs and contribute.

She's going to have to.

What people also need is like, they need a game plan. If you're going to go into any major change with your partner, where you are entering into this covenant of like, you pay for everything and I will make it, you have to be like, all right, so by this date, if things aren't looking all right, can we talk about and revisit, what does this look like?

Is that worse, though, to know that there is a clown room behind a door in your home and it whispers to you as you walk by?

Like you said, because obviously resentment built up and they didn't have any way to stop it and pull the rip cord.

So compared to him, so he's like, okay, like, is this a fair trade-off? He'd also mentioned, like, oh, she's watching a lot of TikToks for inspiration. And I'm like, I don't know this person. I don't want to do any snap judgments. But it is like, okay, if you're pursuing every avenue to get your name out there and be seen, is she not making a bunch of TikToks?

Is she not doing comedy on TikTok at all?

Okay.

These are the conversations they should have had.

Yeah.

This sounds like a deal breaker for her. But, like, she has known about it. Like, honestly, I feel like it's... So is it the masks? She did say get rid of some of the clowns. What is the cap? What is the clown cap? I know.

She's on her phone She's like I don't have any money and like I feel like in that position I I love helping out someone when I'm able to you know but like I'd probably be like yeah because you quit your job like I

Sometimes it's hard to hear, one thing to hold space, sometimes it's hard to hear someone complain about something that you're like, yeah, you burned your hand because you touched the stove.

You have to secure your own mask before helping someone else with theirs. What kind of mask? Like a Venetian. Haunted, though. No, but if you feel like you're drowning, you have to make sure you're like, I have to be alive first so I can help you swim.

I always tell people like that. You have to love this and love it enough to know that you might be working all day as a waiter just so you can do some community theater at night, and that has to be enough for you at a base level, otherwise you're not gonna survive it.

I mean, look. I've talked about clowns and stuff like that recently. I look at auctions all the time. I have two Venetian masks that I'm watching right now just because.

Yes, it's one. I'm very important.

Watching and they watch me and then whoever blinks first gets trapped in the mask and then their spirit comes out. Stop, Damien! That's how it works.

You're more powerful, that's why you're here. If they would have, they could have. See? Sorry. We've had this conversation about like, oh, I've got bugs on my wall and my boyfriend doesn't like it. We've had this in multiple forms already. I know a lot of people don't like clowns, but that's what you're dealing with. It's his place.

Like, I remember this happening where it's like, oh, my God, I'm so drunk. I think the catnip is actually working.

I don't know what else she could have said though because she said a lot of other people were listening and some people at the party don't drink. So first of all, I'm a little confused. She shouldn't lie. She shouldn't lie and I'm confused. If I were like, because I don't drink, if I saw a bowl of punch, I'd be like, hey, is this alcoholic? I'd have to check first.

I would assume it was alcoholic as opposed to the other way around.

That's what Sandy did. But if other people are listening who don't drink and she's just like, oh, actually, there's just a bunch of gin and rum in it, it'd be like, oh, shit, what? Like, now you're making someone else uncomfortable by lying.

Did she say that? Didn't she? She was like, I knew there were people that didn't drink, so this is non-alcoholic. She's like, this has been a hit at other places. I knew people didn't drink, so this one's non-alcoholic. Okay.

Well I feel like, was Sandy just trying to like, do something for like, oh look at me, I'm so drunk, I've got a lampshade on my head, like was it like all eyes on Sandy kind of thing?

That's also why I think it's so bizarre. The angry reaction is what gets me because if I were drinking punch, because I used to have alcohol, if I were drinking punch and felt drunk and then learned that it wasn't alcohol, I would share that and be like, that's crazy because I've been feeling myself get crazier all night. Isn't that weird, you guys?

As opposed to like, you made me look like a fool. I'm like, that feels almost like there's an agenda.

We would call that an episode of something.

I've never had that experience. Maybe other people have. I'm honestly curious. how drunk can you be off of placebo? Like too loud falling over drunk?

No updates. Sandy was found dead. In the clown guy's basement. I require more faces for the wall.

The meter just comes with a digital cow.

No, that's scary. That's like understandably scary and actually that's well known. I was streaming the other day and there was like a little doll in the quest and like the whole thing was like freeing its spirit and the game glitched and its head looked up like in a very creepy way and multiple people in the chat were like, oh, Shane would have hated that and I was like, yeah, I hated it.

Yeah. I think she's totally in her right to say that. If you can't afford it, what are you supposed to do? That being said, like, it just sounds like it's an uncomfortable conversation because this friend has a lot of expectations. Your friend, if they have this many specific expectations about their wedding and everything surrounding it, is going to be disappointed and probably upset with you.

Yep. But you're not an asshole. Like... Also, circumstances change. You agree to something wedding related like a year or two down the road and then it's like, oh, by the way, I don't have that same job anymore and I had to pay for some medical bill and now I can't take this. Like a vacation is a luxury in and of itself, but you're doing it for someone else to a specific spot?

I hated that too, but yes. And so that's why I bring down my dolls whenever you come over.

It sounds like the bride probably had some pretty important stipulations of like, I want to do this and I want to do this. All right, bridesmaid, make it happen.

Okay. Don't people also often cover the bride, because it's like their bachelorette party? Yes, the bride's like, yeah. another round of my time.

Yeah.

You just lay them all out.

No, that's the only asshole part of this is to say suck it up. It sucks because he got a 99 on the test.

Yeah. I also want to, like, point out she used the word boundaries. Like, you cross my boundaries. And that's not what boundaries are. Nope. You don't get to control how someone else looks. And that's a misuse of the word. And this friend sounds like they belong in the am I the devil posts, not am I this. Literally, though.

He did well.

You give them the money. I loved that. Thank you. I'd like to think of another world where I made it a young woman. Thank you for that.

but if they're not gonna pay the invoice, is the invoice just like a so there, or like, hey, I've lost my job and my hair is falling out, I could really use that money back? If she really needs the money, then yeah, you gotta do whatever you can to get the money.

Set me, baby. He's like, witness me. Yeah, actually get into it. No, it's just, yeah, suck it up is rude, but obviously his feelings were hurt and you sometimes don't know what else to say. I've had conversations where I've, with someone, just been like, I don't really know what else to tell you.

Already that's gonna happen. They're not gonna be friends after this. And I wanna say the court thing technically is, but really isn't this person's decision. They sent the invoice saying, you need to reimburse me for this, and the other people didn't even respond. So it's like, okay, well now we're going to court. Yes, that is the next step, but you've kinda forced my hand here. Yeah.

What? An update from a year later. Is it from? Court. The lady, the bride. The lady. I don't wanna hear from her. That one lady, you know her. The bride.

Hell yeah.

That's really like end of the movie vibes, like roll credits.

Yeah.

And you know, with a three-day wedding, like, the amount that they're spending already is absurd. Especially with, like, the tastes that they've talked about. Like, everything must be perfect. It's not just going to be the hair and the dresses. It's everything. So $808 for someone you supposedly cared about? Yeah.

Also, what a dumbass move to be like, oh yeah, I didn't share evidence with the other side. Like, you have to do that. Isn't that called like discovery? Like you're in that phase of like sharing evidence? Yeah. In my mind, that would have been a nail in the coffin right away of like, oh, you're the type that shared it with us and intentionally didn't share with your friend. Got it.

Amy sucks.

That's what I'm saying.

Okay, ditto what Amy said, but actually for me now. I'm epiphany.

That actually, oh, that would suck. You used a lot of therapy terms, I guarantee it. Yeah, you could do that. Judge, Your Honor, you're gaslighting me.

Well, glad that had a happy ending. WTF. Update. I now have a flowing mane of locks, the likes of which the world has never seen.

And a pasture of brown cows that make chocolate milk. I found a highland cow and shaved them to make a little cool little wig. Wow. Because those are the fluffy little cows. Yeah, yeah, now I know. There you go.

Hey, hey.

Bye! Bye! What the frick? What the freaking H-E double fuck? Hey.

I don't know. She thought it was really fucking creepy It was not the rocking chair was just the old man that appeared only at midnight and That she saw. That she could see through.

But to our knowledge, she has neither a clown phobia nor is there a ghost.

See? Nani, the heck? What? How's it going? It was pretty good until I did that.

Thank God you haven't just like mowed over them. You're like, I killed 30 clowns. I accidentally fender bent them on the freeway, but it was a lot. She's like, I have a hard time with clowns because I killed one. That's why I feel really guilty whenever I see clowns. Whenever I close my eyes, I see them like, and that's just, you know, the last thing. I guess they were facing me. I ran them over.

I ran them over. I tried to stop the bleeding, but all the candy kept falling out.

It got pretty wacky. But good, man.

One thing I wish I had learned when I was much earlier in life was not to change too much about yourself for someone. People put up with so much at the beginning and it's like, do you like clowns? And someone might just be like, yeah, totally. Or like, do you like classic French cinema? Yeah, totally, let's go watch some. And then two years later, you end up in a spot like this.

OK. Hey, thanks. Do you guys get weirded out easily? I'd like to think I'm non-judgmental.

It's always better to be honest right off the bat and just, if the person's not right for you, you should say it. It's hard. I don't think she just started not liking clowns, you know?

It's the masks. It is the masks. They can be weird.

Were you hoping that they didn't break up?

I get that. That's a weird one.

I would agree with that. No clowns in the bedroom, no masks in the bedroom.

Oh, I can totally handle it.

Honestly, I kind of respect that they did break up because for me, this was like, oh, it's probably about the principle of the thing. Like, if I had any, like, I don't collect anything in particular, really, but it's like, if I had something and someone was like, I'm testing you with it, it'd be like.

I'm not going to yuck someone's yum until people are, like, in danger. Otherwise, I'm like, hey, that's not for me, and I'm going to be way the hell over there. But, like, you enjoy yourself.

Are we gonna, is it really just this or is this gonna be a precedent we set? And I don't like the precedent. No, a test is a whole new thing.

I guess we're all the asshole when you really think about it.

I guess we all kind of wear our own masks sometimes, if you really think about it. What the hell?

So they're not being paid 13,000 USD in the Philippines. They're paying 13,000 Philippine pesos. Philippine pesos. Got it.

I hope somebody just puts a lot of stuff. Hell yeah, like a hollow hollow.

Yeah. Dance for it. Dance, monkey, dance. Dance harder. Dance, you man. That's weird, I feel like the ha-ha would have been disrespectful on its own, but the heart eyes makes me think, did they mean to respond to this message? It might have been an accident. I'm getting the sense that this is an accident. I think I made two mistakes in the past few minutes here.

One, I went too crazy detailed with what I thought the update was, is two, I don't think we're supposed to be solving a mystery here, I think I'm just supposed to listen and talk about it. I was like, maybe she was actually.

I would agree, but even those, like, I have had moments where, like, I will be scrolling, like, where's that text? And I'll be like, oh, I never texted my friend. Who did I text? And then I'll scroll down and be like, oh, I sent that to the wrong person, like, a week ago. They must have been so confused. And now this other person must be mad at me.

So at best, I think they were, like, talking to someone completely different at the time and just picked up their phone, responded, and then... Yeah.

I'm going to throw out one more before we do. Okay. I think this boss is actually being so supportive. It's the ha-ha is like a belly laugh, like, ha-ha! And then their eyes are hearts because they're like, I love that you've come into your own and found your worth. They're like, I was gonna pay you dirt until you recognized what you're worth.

They're like one of those weird TikTokers that are like, what do you think your tip should be? And they're like, just 20% is fine. They're like, I would have given you a million dollars and that's the lesson you should have known. Damn.

That would have been so funny, though, to just be like, ha ha. I think that would have fallen into the category, though. It was a few Reddit stories back when you were like, and then on the plane, everyone cheered when I said this thing and I stood up and everyone was like, yeah! That would have been too much, so.

Absolutely. Yeah, 100%. If the only thing holding you back from, like, your entire company falling apart is one person Googling, am I getting taken advantage of? Like, not the best system. A lot of companies.

Yeah. It's your career. It's an investment. You are sacrificing a little bit of personal satisfaction now to be like, and another thing. But you could really benefit later. Totally.

So it sounds like even after they graduate.

All right expect an update on this one well the last one was just very sweet, but I Remember where I started right versus like and I got a better job, so This could be crazy

I was like, guys, look, he could be, oh, it's gone. Because at first I was like, look, I love Infinity Nikki, Final Fantasy VII, Ever Crisis. Like, the mobile games are on point. Fire Emblem Heroes, I can be on the toilet. Right. But the butter... Some people, I hear about some people really go into the bathroom and they're there for like an hour.

I used to have stomach problems, but even before then I would do that. Yeah. I would like, as a teenager, I would have my PSP and just be like, this is like a PlayStation in my hands. Yeah. I'm just going to keep being here.

You've got to go time travel and have a tight five.

We don't do that enough here. Here's the deal. Emily... One, love the enthusiasm with which you were sharing, like a fun fact, and I'm sorry that it turned so strongly on the sine wave straight to the other direction. We all have done this, though. It's the thing where it's like, oh, you swallowed your gum, that's gonna take seven years.

It's like, no, no it isn't, and then when you really think about it, you're like, oh, there's no way. If I ate a quarter, I'd poop it out. It's all those things. Can I say, Emily said that to us with so much conviction, and she immediately goes on the computer

I'm going to pull the Rhett and Link because that was what I was going to guess, but now to keep it interesting, I'll keep it the opposite. I think the man has a hard time with digestion issues, and he has the thought of just... Greasing it up? I was going to say greasing it up, but honestly... No, I think that's rough. I think... That's awesome, dude.

I was going to say it with full conviction, but I really, honestly, I think he's just eating butter. Okay, I think he needs gamer fuel. I think he's playing a mobile game, and he needs energy.

I'm just gonna say he's doing something something else Shane one way or another it's going inside this man Yeah, that movie was influential to a lot of people oh no, okay Okay

He began sweating profusely and said, butter, I hardly know her. Then he ran out the front door.

Or if you have a butter shame of some kind, you need to have your own private stash in the first place. Don't start.

I know. I think y'all just need to talk to your partners. That's half of these Reddit stories is like, I was trying to solve the butter ass mystery, and I'm like, just... Just ask, just ask him now.

Oh, no, that was with trying hummus for the first time. Oh, it was the hummus. I lied to my parents and I tried hummus. That's right.

Yeah, here's my question. She's obviously looking around the bathroom after this being like, what the fuck happened? Can I figure out with my Sherlock mind space what is going on here? Where's the wrapper? Butter you cannot grab a stick of and go, there is a wrapper. So unless he's discreetly unwrapping it, that would be, I don't think you can flush like a waxed paper. Not good.

Not good for those pipes.

They need to get Penn and Teller on the phone. Yeah. She also did have the line in there of like, I just can't believe, and I was like, it's not butter. Like, it's too well set up. So much of this is very, I will say, like, properly written of, you must be mistaken about the butter. This is all weird.

No, I was gonna say it was a mountain goat because they just like that salt. They like salt and they lick rocks. Pigeons also eat stones. And pigeons make milk. What?

We're not gonna read them. Can I guess one more thing? Go ahead. So sorry. She said she heard moaning, but she may not recognize his moaning. I think under the sink there is a horrible monster man. And he has to feed him butter. He has to feed him butter because that's the most calorie dense. Okay.

I'm thinking of like two different, I can't think of that many things that are untypeable. There's something I'm thinking of.

Making the water go down the sink faster. Yeah, exactly. Look, taking the oddness of this specific proclivity aside. I hate it, I hate it. No, it's unusual, sure. In a relationship, you are entitled to privacy, you are entitled to still have your own separate life, but there has to be communication. there was no communication and obviously something happening and there's a break in trust there.

And I'm being so real about this when she was like, you're doing something that you can't tell me about and it makes me uncomfortable because you're in there for a long time and I'm not allowed to know and we live together. And supposedly they would keep living together for the long haul if everything works out. So it is a lack of communication, like yes it's,

whatever it is is something that I probably haven't heard of before and it's unusual and we're laughing and like I get it, but it does, you just have to be communicative again.

Well, yeah. I think you missed the core concept of the issue here. I knew it. It's a whole stick of butter. Whatever it is, I don't think there's a shower going on after that. So like, I don't know, man. Look, man, we can think all we want. It doesn't matter. Maybe I've got a real good sniffer for food. If I smell butter, I go, there butter in here?

Like, I don't think you can walk around, and that's my catchphrase, and I've always said it. I don't think you can do something with butter, not shower, not leave a wrapper behind, and then just walk around, just be like, hey everybody, what's up? You're like, I'm sorry, why do you smell literally like Pam Butterspray?

Yeah. Debatably, though, because I know you're going to Reddit for advice, but we all know it's pretty damn public at this point. And again, he should have communicated with his romantic partner that he's living with, not me. not shaming him for that, but it is his own private business. Whether it's the butt or not, it's like, who cares? That's your business, that's your life.

It does suck that whatever it is can't be typed and now his friends know.

And maybe even can be a participant in some way.

And you know what, I've actually heard a stand-up comedian make a joke about that offhandedly, which makes me think like, oh, maybe that is a thing. There's a community out there. There's probably a community out there. Little butter boys. Our next one comes from r slash little butter boys.

So many things could have gone wrong. Yeah. Yeah, in my mind, he owes her. I know this is best of update, so it could be like, ooh, I'm a werewolf, and he didn't know I was staying in his van in the first place, and he heard the coffee, and that's because I was hiding. Look, this is the thing. She's a nomad. There's no way he can find her. Then why he's so angry? I... r slash nomad.

Yeah, maybe it's like, oh, I was with someone, but now I'm with you. And then it, my question is like, how well used of a phrase is that in the UK or something? You know, just because like, I didn't know the severity.

Right, there's already a trust issue there about the past and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, it's going to become true or be true just because of how sort of it's impacted her. I think she needs clarity and communication on, surprise, surprise, on that specific phrasing Because there are also situations where it's like, oh, why did you and your ex break up?

It's not always gonna be like, because actually now we hate each other. It's like, oh, well, she wanted to stay in Seattle and I was gonna be moving to the Midwest for my job. We just knew it wouldn't line up. And it's like, well, would you be together if you both lived in the same house? Like, yeah, but we don't. So now we're together and we're happy.

I mean, I knew of it when I was a kid, so if he was a little bit older than me, he definitely knew it. And also, in America, it's just like, oh, we know Marilyn Monroe was JFK. That was a thing. And so it could just be a casually known thing. My big focus here is on you have to block your ex. And usually, for me, it's like...

there's no reason why people on good terms couldn't be friends with an ex and like stay following and keep in touch. Like, oh, I saw you have this thing, I hope everything's good. But sort of where they're at now is the trust has been broken. Whether it's bad phrasing or not, they have to work on it under their individual terms of like we gotta go to therapy and you gotta block them.

He's not mad.

And then you earn it back and then you talk about it later. But like if your marriage is your priority, even though it's not great to be asked to block somebody, there's a specific reason why for this one, not just like any ex, you know what I mean? I see that, I see that.

Oh, gosh. I think the kid is his son. Ooh, I like that.

If there's no other reveals, then yeah. I think he could also be very specifically not meaning that with the phrase, like he could be just an idiot and he's just like, oh no, it's my two favorite characters from Steven Universe. And you're just like, no, that's a wonderful show, but I'm not talking about them.

Oh baby!

Is this the last one? Let's go! Okay, because I was about to be like, oh, okay, I can talk a little bit about my experience being on the spectrum. I can see how she's stuck there. This is a secret third thing!

Sorry, it just dawned on me how much the Diana thing works now. And it's like, it wasn't just a little bit. He's like, I mean that she was Camilla and you are Diana. This absolutely changed.

It's tough. It's all pushed by big van. By a really big van. It's a bus, really. Yeah.

I didn't see each one, I'm sorry.

I always get it confused with Hancock, and I'm like, oh, the dark one.

This is a horror movie.

I also feel like she would have also brought up if it was something like, well, it is something that culturally in my family we've done for generations, but I wish they would have asked. This doesn't sound like it was a norm.

It's just so disrespectful to her. It's nuts. It takes away all agency and now like, I can believe that maybe they fell in love and it was wonderful then, but the fact that it's built in the way it is robs them of any authenticity there for themselves.

Was gonna say before the big reveal like being on the autism spectrum sometimes some of those, you know It's different for everybody but like some of those things can manifest in things that are similar to OCD where you have a thought and you can't stop fixating on it and the fact that you know He had a romantic past where she didn't like that could keep coming up and it takes real work to get past that but that being said

this being her first relationship, at least to that degree other than first kiss, it's doubly manipulative to be like, oh yeah, this is what we're doing, this is what we're doing, because she doesn't have a basis to build from. She doesn't know what a different relationship looks like. And maybe families do do this. Maybe they constantly take each other out and give each other gift cards.

Might as well have been living in a bubble and then released them and been like, surprise, we're not on Earth. I don't know, to take away that last metaphor, that sucked.

Where's your support system after this? When they're talking about hey, is there anything I get you? Do you wanna talk? I don't think they're realizing how much the base, the ground level has been shattered. It's not just oh, some trust. It's like reality, identity, ego is just dead. Right, yeah.

We need to get that baby in you.

I think there's nothing that can justify that. Even if he was, if his second comment related to something like, I found out that you, outside of our relationship, slept with five of my closest friends, you can be as mad as you want, you don't abandon them in the desert.

Probably good. It's great for everybody, but especially now.

Yeah. You get to do that fun thing to your therapist where they've heard everything, but sometimes you can get them to break and they go, oh my God. And you're like, uh-oh. I'm sorry, what? Was that that bad? Oh, no.

I've never done that one. I've gotten them to laugh and I've gotten the shocked face. I didn't even think about crying.

Oh, therapy baby. And they're like, I'm not a therapy baby.

Thank you, Shane.

There's gonna be updates. The audience is gonna go crazy when you say updates. I know.

Oh, no, are you sick?

Get your butter out.

It's the beginning of a horror movie.

Yeah, it happened to be a sweet old couple, but what if it's editing the wife's book, but it's bound in people's skin? Yeah.

The husband plays guitar.

I know, this is a lot. They're not real. It's like a Tom Bombadil situation where they just really need breakfast and it's like, well, welcome to the land of plenty. I'm the spirit of Middle Earth itself.

He declined. Yeah, it's hard when you're really trying to compromise and someone won't wiggle it all and eventually you're like, I guess that's it.

Ugh. I think she's going to go to mail the watch and she'll get called back like, can we talk to you about this package real quick? I think there is something about the watch or what he was up to.

Not that there's drugs in the watch, but we already know that sipping coffee is either, this is an unreliable narrator, which I don't feel right now, or... he was up to something where it's like, you're acting weird and you're gonna draw attention to the van and we've only been doing this for a month. There is something involved that would tie him to something, a murder, I don't know.

He really wants that watch hand delivered that doesn't want the feds involved. You're expecting a reveal.

Or is it gonna be that the book and the songwriter are the, there's somebody that we know. We're like, oh, it's Dr. Seuss and it's Simon and Garfunkel.

That is such bullshit. It doesn't make sense, manipulators. You literally contacted him being like, hey, I have your watch, can I give it back to you? Oh, but you won't do it in the exact way that requires you to drive across the whole country, huh? Now we see who's crazy.

Test everything, everyone, all the time. All the time. Trick people, too. If they tell you something happened, tell them it didn't happen.

I also think I would... I would question how spontaneous that was when she's like, yeah, I just thought of it spur of the moment. But we're forgetting that he was like, ah, the coffee, you're sipping the coffee. Like, I don't know. And I don't want to get like, you know, too personal for anybody else.

But like, if you've ever been in a relationship where the other person starts being a little bit like, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, dinner. You just want to have dinner on a night. And you're like, I don't know what this is. And then later there's something behind it.

That for me is like, it sounds like he planned this whole thing of like, I'm gonna kick her out and then have her come back and like, that's how you do this. And the fact that he's just like, coffee, you are drinking it with your mouth lips? Get out!

Irish butter's good. I once said Irish-fed butter, I think in a Smosh meeting many years ago, and someone was like, what do you mean grass-fed butter? You don't feed the butter, it's the cows. I'm like, it's called grass-fed butter. So yeah, Kerrygold.

But it's also their dad's watch then. If it's the brother. It's the sentimental value. It's kind of a whole family thing. And that's the thing that Baby No Money has for the brunch. And he has the paddock for the show.

He's got the rolling for the brunch. Crazy. You're best friends with him now. I can just say it. Yeah. I didn't know that's what he said in that part. Yeah, he's got a rollie for the brunch and a paddock for the show.

Yeah. And then he's baby money man. Baby with money. Baby with money. Baby Francis, he's money colon reloaded.