Dan Savage

better at monogamy or better at obeying whatever rules and conditions you want to lay down for some limited amount of outside erotic, if not sexual contact. But if you want to stay with this guy, obviously he's willing to break these rules or likely to break these rules.

And so maybe if he's not going to go, if you're not going to get rid of him, if you're not going to go, maybe those rules need to go. The, you got to tell me about it. I'm not sure how that would be very functional if he's somewhere and he's about to start flirting with somebody, is he required to text you and ask for permission?

And so maybe if he's not going to go, if you're not going to get rid of him, if you're not going to go, maybe those rules need to go. The, you got to tell me about it. I'm not sure how that would be very functional if he's somewhere and he's about to start flirting with somebody, is he required to text you and ask for permission?

Or is it just that if he flirted with somebody at a work event or in a bar that he has to run home and immediately disclose that to you? And I would ask you in the past when he obeyed that rule and disclosed it to you, how did you react? Sometimes people say you can fuck around outside the relationship or flirt or whatever or grind on people on a dance floor. You just have to tell me about it.

Or is it just that if he flirted with somebody at a work event or in a bar that he has to run home and immediately disclose that to you? And I would ask you in the past when he obeyed that rule and disclosed it to you, how did you react? Sometimes people say you can fuck around outside the relationship or flirt or whatever or grind on people on a dance floor. You just have to tell me about it.

And then when their partner comes home and tells them about it, they have a meltdown each time. And it really disincentivizes disclosure. So I would put it to you and other people who say it's all fine so long as it's disclosed. Okay, so when it's disclosed, how does that go? How do you react? Are you giving your partner the freedom to do this but then

And then when their partner comes home and tells them about it, they have a meltdown each time. And it really disincentivizes disclosure. So I would put it to you and other people who say it's all fine so long as it's disclosed. Okay, so when it's disclosed, how does that go? How do you react? Are you giving your partner the freedom to do this but then

retaliating against your partner when they do. And I don't know if you're doing any of that. I'm just speculating here based on a lot of other calls where there was this kind of, you gotta tell me about it rule. I'm not sure you have to tell somebody that you're in a relationship with if you're allowed

retaliating against your partner when they do. And I don't know if you're doing any of that. I'm just speculating here based on a lot of other calls where there was this kind of, you gotta tell me about it rule. I'm not sure you have to tell somebody that you're in a relationship with if you're allowed

or not allowed even, everyone's entitled to his own erotic autonomy, that you flirted harmlessly with someone. This wasn't harmless flirting. This was the exchange of phone numbers. This was an opening that allowed him to contact this person in the future. He kissed this person, also not allowed. You have every right to leave his ass over this, to divorce him over this.

or not allowed even, everyone's entitled to his own erotic autonomy, that you flirted harmlessly with someone. This wasn't harmless flirting. This was the exchange of phone numbers. This was an opening that allowed him to contact this person in the future. He kissed this person, also not allowed. You have every right to leave his ass over this, to divorce him over this.

I wouldn't divorce somebody over this. Somebody cheats on you once or twice in 50 years together. I think they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy. If somebody made out with somebody else in a bar once and then disclosed that to you, pretty good at monogamy, not perfect at it, but still pretty good. 10 years, pretty decent track record. But what is this rule breaking here?

I wouldn't divorce somebody over this. Somebody cheats on you once or twice in 50 years together. I think they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy. If somebody made out with somebody else in a bar once and then disclosed that to you, pretty good at monogamy, not perfect at it, but still pretty good. 10 years, pretty decent track record. But what is this rule breaking here?

What does this violation tell you about this relationship? You told me that he lies to you all the time. Okay, that's on him, that's shitty, he shouldn't do that. If he can't obey these rules, if these rules aren't something that he can navigate within, then he should tell you, these rules don't work for me.

What does this violation tell you about this relationship? You told me that he lies to you all the time. Okay, that's on him, that's shitty, he shouldn't do that. If he can't obey these rules, if these rules aren't something that he can navigate within, then he should tell you, these rules don't work for me.

I don't want to have to disclose everything, maybe in part because he reacted badly to disclosures in the past. Maybe he just doesn't want to. Maybe he just wants to feel that sense of himself as an individual and an autonomous individual and exist in that zone of erotic autonomy.

I don't want to have to disclose everything, maybe in part because he reacted badly to disclosures in the past. Maybe he just doesn't want to. Maybe he just wants to feel that sense of himself as an individual and an autonomous individual and exist in that zone of erotic autonomy.

And if he's coming home and plowing the sexual energy into you after he gets revved up from the affirmation of some other woman flirting with him, it's to your benefit, disclosed or not disclosed. But if he's getting phone numbers and making out with bitches and bars or whatever, What does that say? What does that tell you about his intent?

And if he's coming home and plowing the sexual energy into you after he gets revved up from the affirmation of some other woman flirting with him, it's to your benefit, disclosed or not disclosed. But if he's getting phone numbers and making out with bitches and bars or whatever, What does that say? What does that tell you about his intent?

What does that tell you about what the next decade might look like? Because that's tiptoeing up to the infidelity abyss and throwing your shoes in, not quite throwing your entire self in yet, but it's a sign that these two rules might not be the only rules that he, I don't want to say has broken, don't want to pour poison in your ear, but may break. And you guys need to have a talk about that.