Dana

Hey gang, if you haven't gotten your tickets for the Back on the Block Tour, do yourself a favor and grab them now, because they're going fast.

God damn it.

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Yeah.

I gave him shit for it, but for a different reason, just because hummus by itself is kind of weird and gross. Yeah, that's a tough mouthful.

If you saw that, would you be like, that's unpooped? Would you let them take it? Do you let them take things that aren't completely finished, even though that's the end of the course?

You bet your arch nemesis.

You know what sucks is a cherry tomato. Those things don't grab anything.

I don't even know why they're like, dude, you get that in the ranch dip in the middle of the year from the grocery store? You're going at least half a fingernail in there.

And when you bite that thing, it fucking blows up in your mouth.

Sure.

Only offensive linemen in the NFL go down.

Are you?

Heifer. That's what the cardiologist. But go ahead.

It's charming.

What is your caloric intake a day? What are you, about 2,500? Dude, I eat a lot. You'd be surprised. I mean, it's mostly healthy food. See, dude's in shape. That's what I mean at the table. You might be like, I don't give a fuck. I'm going in. What's anybody going to say to me?

And you have no self-consciousness. I have a shot clock.

Let's see if someone else might want some. Well, I do that. That's what I'm saying. As an in-shape guy, you don't have any hang-ups about that.

Because everyone's going to think, oh, this happened the other night with a piece of Saganaki, to be honest with you.

He ain't a motorcycle. Let me get a couple of Suzuki's over here. Sure. It's fried cheese. It's a Greek dish. It's fried kefalotiri or halloumi cheese. Oh, nice. With a little bit of light browning.

A little bit of tomato sauce and a little bit of lemon. Fantastic. But there was one piece left, and nobody was fucking with it. And when I made the move, I could feel the... Yeah.

So it is a shame-based thing. We had an incident in... Did you grab the halloumi, the last piece?

Nothing's going to fit me in there. I got a pair of socks or something. They'll sort you out. You got tarps or something? What do you got there?

Can I tell you this? In most company, in most circles that I'm running with, family-wise or whatever... I want to be the one to pick up the check because I want to be able to order and eat the way that I want to. Spot on.

I'm living in one of them now.

You only got four roommates?

Prom's killing it.

If I'm eating with my wife, I know for a fact whatever. And we're great with that. We eat very well together. We like to both try different things and share everything. But I know that I'm getting the back half of that chicken. Or I'm getting the other half of that burger. Right, right, right.

This little twerp. Hey, you'd be vicious as a bully.

Yeah.

Yeah. Also the kid in... The trainee Irish in a bit. Incredibles, wasn't he? The kid with the... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but that's all classy shit now. The cool motorcycles, the fucking big heads.

Do they give you whiskey when you're shopping?

If this is going on the reservoir, you end up with Jacob's pickles, maybe an appetizer.

I don't know who this was. It was a different story, but I heard maybe it was, is Baltazar a restaurant? Yeah, that's in Soho. That they do an egg yolk omelet. Just the yolk. That's interesting. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, maybe that's what it was. Maybe he ordered and that's what it was.

That's what I took away from that story. Holy shit.

Yeah.

Yeah. I take resuvastatin. Resuvastatin. Almost out, by the way. I'd take that and a metropofol, something like that. I don't know that one. That's what killed Michael Jackson. No, that's metropofol.

That's crazy.

It's too much chicken. I like chicken.

How long have you been on the Roastatin? Couple years now?

No, no, I just gotta re-up.

Your closet, I would assume, is pretty sharp. Everything neat, clean, organized. Done by color. Done by what?

I just assume it's going to fit. You don't buy underwear with the mesh, do you? No.

No.

What the hell are you into, big man? That sounds like porn. No wonder why you're chafing down there. I'm jacked up on that rose statin.

No, you only buy bathing suits that don't. So you don't buy a bathing suit that has the mesh.

Why don't you just buy bathing suits that don't have the mesh? I thought that was just board shorts, and those things don't have elastic waistbands.

I bought a nice bathing suit from the whale one. Boneyard? No. Vineyard Vines. Yes. Boneyard. It was a boneyard when you got done with it. I got a nice one.

I got a nice one of there for when I was over in Hawaii for the wedding, and I was trying to fucking rip the mesh out with the can opener because that's the only thing that was in the thing.

Even worse. Yeah. So I had to wear the same bathing suit the whole time.

Not in the books right now, but we're due to be back there soon.

I don't own any sweaters. No? Not one?

If I had to guess. Do you stick to that very strictly? Do you only wash coloreds and whites together?

I mean, that's good.

Hmm. Pretty good. Everything's on cold. He's put together, this guy.

Are you talking about paddle ball like on the beach? No.

Huh. I play racquetball once or twice a mile, man. Racquetball's fun. Yeah, if you're a heathen.

What did you think about that guy kicking that dude in the face in that pickleball tournament a few months ago?

I got a couple of tomatoes you can blister. Nothing on that. Rude. Yeah, we do have an air fryer. Yeah, you got to go air fryer. Air fryer is a revolutionary device. We actually do. When we do salmon, we'll do it in the air fryer.

Do you do all the dishes if you're making dinner at home for yourself?

Doc, it's all climate change.

Because the caffeine hits me too hard, and then I have a little crash from it, and then my sugar goes a little low, and I got to have a little something sweet to bring it up. A lot of people are switching to matcha.

Is that because of the thing like chai is chai tea?

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

Espresso, by the way.

Zambuca with it. Nice. Not an asshole. That's a nice little touch.

And what's your fruit? What do you like to pull in fruit? What's your order look like?

What's my basket at Whole Foods look like? Is that what you got to bring your own bag?

I'm buying a goddamn brown bag that you sell. I'm surprised you're a cod man. So back to your basket. What's your basket? Okay, we're starting in the produce section. And what are you getting for a couple of days a week?

Will you eat it with a little black stuff in there?

Cut it out or eat the black?

Do you ever get stains on your clothes?

A golden crusted tomahawk. You'll make yourself a dinner like that and sit at the table and eat it?

You still serve it family style on the table? Yes. He's playing all the characters on the table.

He's probably counting grapes at the fucking express.

Fucking traffic on the GW.

But that means you'd be turning around scoping the line like a psycho.

I actually have one for you because I get a lot of stains on my shirt. Dude, we went to the Eagles game or whatever two weeks ago.

He's Batman. Yes. Ask him how he would react to your situation in the line where the guy tried to cut you off at getting on the plane.

Because he's a pussy.

Sharp dude.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?

He also doesn't just think he's a pussy. He thinks he's stupid.

I had a skin tag start leaking.

There's a... Wait, hold on. I want to give you my stain thing. My dad... Get him. My dad got a lot of stains on his shirt, too. God rest his soul. So my mom became an expert at getting them out. So she takes Dawn, apple cider vinegar, and... a little bit of water, and some alcohol, and she sprays it. Wow.

Thank you.

Always great to have you in a little touch tone. You know what I mean? If I know the right and wrong things to do. Sure. Yes.

Stay on my Roostatin. Yours cherry flavored? You're chewing them? What? You're not? I got to get that shit in me quick.

Very nice. Let's do my son of a boy dad. Check him out over there on Barstool. One of the funniest, one of the best, one of the coolest guys. We love you, buddy.

What do you got for him?

Mixes all those together in a spray bottle, and then you put it out in the sun for a couple hours.

She's Native American? That sounds like a crazy. Take it down to the creek and hit a rock.

It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a group to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Classy. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at y'all on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She finally got the Christmas tree down. Okay. Went straight to the St. Patrick's Day decorations. Okay.

I do that the second we get there.

I'll bring all dirty stuff and then wash it when I'm there.

Coming back with all clean clothes. Then you just live out of the bag for the next couple of weeks. It's amazing, yeah.

That's crazy.

For the beginning of February. Sure. Getting after her pretty quick. Uh-huh. All right, fair enough. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me, unfortunately. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

Did you get any of the furniture?

Oh, it's a big and tall store. We have shirts like that. Like, the fabric is for stains.

You ever wear Dockers? You might have wore Dockers in the very beginning.

You could do. I do it all the time. And sometimes if the bird's away.

If the bird's away and I have to do the sheets. Shake some off because it's what he prefers. She comes home, he puts them back on. Well, if I have to do the sheets, I'll do the sheets, and that'll be like a day or two process. To do sheets? Because usually I'll put them in the washing machine. Forget about them. I'll forget about them, and then I'll go to take them out, and they'll be all smelly.

They rot. Yes. And then I'll do them again, and then dry it again, and she's got these fucking dryer balls that go everywhere that drives me crazy. Oh, like the lambs, the lanolin balls or whatever?

I had a sock in my jeans the other day. It was embarrassing.

I just had to throw it out. It was like right, it was stuck in between my calf and my jeans. I threw it out.

Let's get into the notable alumni. Yes. If you don't know, Mr. Ellis is a graduate graduate Harvard University.

That's what they got to start doing. What are you doing?

Wait, John Adams, the... Director. The president?

Now, you know what dorms they stayed in?

No, I meant for his high school.

Yarmouth High School.

210. You lost five. That's crazy.

Real quick, senior year, seven goals, 14 games.

Good times. And we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. First time in the new edition. Yeah. He's an old pal of ours. One of the stars over there in that barstool universe. Sure thing. And you can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, Son of a Boy Dad. Give it up for Francis Ellis, everybody. Yeah. Thank you, guys.

Senior year, one assist, one goal.

Probably a couple of co-eds in there too, though, huh?

Herbie Hancock. Either way, All-American high school lacrosse player. All-American high school lacrosse player senior year, three-time All-State.

She is staring at me like I'm a crazy person because I look like a crazy person. And when I get nervous or like embarrassed, I start to blush really bad. So from my chest all the way up is maroon. And I am... just mortified. She was like, oh my God. And I'm like, oh my God, I know I'm wearing your coat. I couldn't find a gown. I don't know where the gowns are. I was like, I thought it was a gown.

She was like, it's not a gown. And she was like, let me go get you something to change into. If I could have just like shed my skin and run away right there, I would have done it and left the coat and my whole body there.

I'm like panicking. Like, what do I do? I'm naked. I'm still in her coat.

I stayed. I kind of froze, really. I was just like standing there in my shame. And so she grabs a gown and hands it through the door. And so I change into it. I hang her coat back up.

And she comes back in. I don't know what to do. So we're having this exam and I just have a flurry of words coming out of my mouth. Like, I'm so sorry. This is my first time at a nice place. I didn't know it wasn't a gown. Where are your gowns? Why wasn't the gown in here? She's completing the exam and she's mostly ignoring me, but trying to make me feel somewhat comfortable.

Like, this has happened before. No big deal. But this is not what she's saying. Yeah. She's trying to get out of there as fast as I am. Was it inside out? No, when I think about it now, I'm kind of like, how didn't you know? It had sleeves on it. Like I should have known what I was doing.

I was so nervous. And I just wanted it to get over with. But by the time I was realizing it, it was like too late. It was like so mortified.

Unfortunately, I had a result that like I had to come back in for. It ended up being fine. But I had to see her again and get re-examined. I did get the gown before I went in. But then after that, I never, ever, ever went back.

Yes. Like, of course. And I'm like, so awkward to begin with through the whole thing. I'm like, um, can I get the gown before I go in? But I left that appointment and I sobbed in my car and it was so embarrassed. And I waited years to tell anybody that this ever happened.

I know. That moment of her walking through the door lives somewhere in the back of my mind and pops in every once in a while.

The easier route was not to go and find a new doctor and do all the things. And I felt so good that I had done it. And I felt like I picked it so cautiously. It's probably lucky that I had to get birth control every year or else I wouldn't have gone back to the gynecologist probably ever again.

Yeah, but I guess it is good to get that exam every year. Yeah, it is.

There we go.

Had they not required me to go into an exam, I would have got it for day one and never have gone back.

Thanks for sharing that. That was fun. You too. Can I give a shout out to two other armchairs? I want to shout out my sister, Lexi, and then my cousin, Bobby. We have often said if there's ever a prompt where I could tell this story, I would have to go in and do it. So I didn't tell anybody that I was recording and I thought they'll hear it for the first time.

No. What? What?

Dana.

Can you hear me? We can.

Yay! Not Dana White.

It's a sunshine.

It's snowing here. So it's bright and sunny on my sweater, but gray and snowy outside.

I'm in Northwest Indiana. So I'm on the border of Illinois and Indiana between like the dunes and Chicago.

20 minutes from Gary. So not far from Rob's old stomping grounds, but my old house, my backyard was Illinois and my front yard was Indiana.

but it sounds like a good one.

Yes, I do. This is so funny to me because I'm so excited to be talking to you, but I actually can't believe I signed up to do this. I've avoided telling this story for so long. So story takes place late 2007, early 2008. A recent graduate. I'm living at home with my parents and I'm at the time working for my dad. I'm at home, but still like doing adult things.

I have a boyfriend who I met right when I came home. And so we've been dating for like six months and I need to renew my birth control. I think it still works like this today where you go, you get an exam and then they release a year's worth of available prescriptions and you can go every month and get it until that year is up. I'm up on that year. So I need to go to the doctor.

Previously, I've gone to like Planned Parenthood or I've gone to the health clinic at my college. I'm feeling like an adult. I have my own health care. I have my own money. Albeit I'm living in my parents' basement. I can't move out, but I feel empowered. Like I'm going to take care of my health and I'm going to find a doctor and somebody I can go to year after year.

While I am super close to my parents and I love them so very much and my family is super close, like we do not talk about sex at all.

I grew up Catholic, but we just never talked about it. So I'm also being conscious of the fact that if male comes to the house, I don't really want them to see it. Like, I don't want it to be like women's clinic. I want nothing that screams like sex. So I start to look for a doctor and I'm looking for something that's discreet. So I find a doctor and it's just like, Dr. So-and-so.

Now as an adult, I realize all the letters after the doctor's name indicate what kind of doctor it is. So I call the doctor up to make an appointment. And what the lady tells me is this doctor is a gynecologist, but it's really like a fertility specialist. She does do exams and I can't come see her, but just want to be upfront that this is kind of what this office is.

Making the call was awkward enough. I'm like, yep, I'm in. Make me the appointment. Yeah. It comes time for the appointment. I walk in there and this is like nothing I've experienced before. It's a beautiful office. Everywhere I've gone to just has that like curtain in between the rooms. So this feels nice. I feel out of my element.

Everything is very much set up for people who are trying to have families. There is a couple who is in there together. All of the posters and pamphlets are all for fertility planning. And I am actively trying not to get pregnant.

Yes. I feel super insecure kind of about this situation.

Yes. And I'm 23. I look out of place. I feel like I shouldn't be there, but I'm also kind of like, I just want to get what I need out of this situation and get out of here. So I'm sitting in there and it's taking like a little bit of time and I'm getting like a little bit more and more nervous. And maybe it's just for me, like going to the gynecologist is a nerve wracking experience anyway.

I've had two kids now and I still feel nervous. semi-uncomfortable going to the gynecologist. So the nurse comes and gets me and brings me back into the room. And she's like, go ahead and change. And the doctor will be in there with you shortly. So I take everything off. I fold it all up. I tuck my underwear into my jeans. You can't like see anything. And I am looking for the gown.

Usually it's almost like a paper sheet that's folded up on the bed. So I look for that. It's not there. And I'm looking on the bed underneath the film. I don't see anything. And it's like a bigger room. So I scan the room. There's like a desk and then there's some hooks. And next to the hook, I'm like, oh, those look like gowns. So I go up and I grab one of the gowns. And so...

I'm putting it on and I am like, well, this is weird because this gown has a slit in the front and not in the back. But I'm also kind of thinking to myself, fancy office and like she needs to see my front. Yeah. So I'm sure this is fine. Makes sense. So like as I get that on, I hear the doctor knock on the door. And as I'm saying, come in, I feel something like real itchy on my chest.

I look down and I realize that there are pockets on this gown. Uh-huh. And there are pens.

And there are heavy objects like instruments in the pocket. And that itchy part is a patch. And I am coming to the realization that I am wearing her lab coat, her doctor's coat, as she is opening the door. She opens the door. And I am staring at her.

Yeah.

But she's lying. They're lying. That's like, that doesn't make me feel comfortable to come over to their house. Okay.

Yeah. Okay, so just now that you know Alice, can we like move forward from this?

You know, I think for this first birthday party, I'm just going to drop her off and have you guys do it. Maybe we can just have a one-on-one after or something and just go with the flow.

No, I don't want to be petty, but that is a good idea.

Just to give you like a, I just recently moved my family into a new neighborhood. So we're fresh there. Okay. That's exciting.

Yeah, it is. But it's also like stressful because my daughter's already having to switch schools.

She's nervous about making new friends. Yeah.

Yeah. So on her first day of school, she's like, mommy, I made a new friend. And I'm like, awesome.

On day one.

Thank God.

So we went ahead and arranged a play date over at her new friend's house. Yeah. And afterwards, I go to pick her up and, you know, I go inside and I'm walking in the entryway and I'm like... They had Legos displayed on there. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. And I'm looking at the Legos, and I recognize them. They're the same ones that my ex had on display nine years ago. Whoa!

The exact same. It was like a set. I knew that they were his because I've seen the exact set before on display at his apartment.

That's what I think it is because I'm looking around and I see a photo of him.

It's him. And I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. My daughter's new best friend is the child of my ex.

Brooke's dreams have just come true.

Yep. And you're right. It is the worst thing ever because it didn't end well with us. Oh, no.

No. Luckily, he was at work that day, and I've only interacted with the mother.

I mean, that's why I'm calling you guys. I'm like conflicted because my daughter's been asking me like, mommy, mommy, let's go over there. And I'm like, what do I do? And now it's the worst scenario possible. If this couldn't get any worse, her friend is having a birthday party.

And you know, it says like happy hour, mingle hour for the adults. Like they have a theme for the adults to be there to have a good time too.

So I'm in a dilemma now because the birthday's coming up in a few days, and I need to have a conversation with the wife.

My daughter, she loves this new friend, so I really need some help and advice on what I'm going to tell the wife and how it's going to go.

50.

Oh, 50-50. Yeah, 50-50.

What do you think of that, Dana?

Don't know if I could do that because I feel like I'll be lying and acting.

Oh, what a small world.

Are you flirting? Me and your husband used to date. Fun fact of the day. No, no. No.

Yes, it is. Who's this? It's Delilah's mom, Dana. Oh, hi. How are you? Oh, I'm good. You know, just getting some things done around the house. How are you?

Well, bless your heart. What can I do for you? Is everything okay? Yeah, so this is, okay, sorry. I'm trying, I wanted to call you and discuss something with you. I had a few parents call about food allergies. Is that what this is about? Oh, no, no, thank God she doesn't have any food allergies. But I'm calling you because this is kind of like an awkward thing.

So I don't know how to sugarcoat this, but it involved your husband. Oh, okay. Oh, my husband. Yeah, so please, like, don't worry. He's not, like, cheating on you or anything. But I don't know if you know this or if he's told you, but the other day, you know, I was picking up Delilah, and I realized after going to your house that I actually know your husband. And we used to date.

I'm married, too, so, you know, I don't know how much he's told you. We kind of had, like, a weird breakup, so I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable.

We can kind of leave it at that. You need to understand, I dumped him. And, like, he was just awkward and resentful after that. And, like, this is not cool.

I'm not hurt, Alice. I'm just calling you to let you know that we were dating just in case you didn't know. And then you say I was lying or hiding something from you. He was like a complete loser after. Okay. Well, okay.

I, you know, I was loosely aware of what was going on with Madison. Just, you know, they kind of were handling it amongst themselves for the most part. I mean, this kind of situation is like the less people that know about it, the better because you can't trust anybody when it comes to this type of thing. So I sort of let them do their thing.

And then, you know, obviously when you get wind that your wife's nude photos are online, I kind of... that's when it really grabbed my attention. And when I really started diving into this, you know, it almost felt wrong for me to dive into it to begin with because those are naked photos of my sister-in-law. You know what I mean? I don't, you know, these websites are horrible, awful places.

You feel dirty just looking at it. But once Christine was up on the internet and we knew that was happening, I decided this needed to stop and I was going to put whatever skills I had in this world to try and make that happen.

So these shoots that the photographer might take 2,000 pictures in the span of an hour. And if you load those all into an image viewer and just spacebar through them, it's basically like you're watching a low frame rate video because he's just snapping photos constantly, multiple per second. So it's almost like a video when you piece them together.

And so the girls, when they would change positions, you know, if they're hiding their breasts with their arms, whatever they're doing, you know, as far as doing these kind of boudoir implied nude photos, at some point they're going to change position or turn to a certain angle or something and there's going to be a nipple or something. And what the boyfriend did... Yeah, we call those nip slips.

So what the boyfriend did was go through 1,200 photos on a CD of my wife and pull out the two frames where there was a nipple in it, found it, saved it, sent it to the guy.

He was a close friend. He had been to my house that I grew up in in Connecticut and met my parents. We went to concerts together. I knew his family. I had Fourth of July out on Long Island with his dad and his brother. He wasn't my best friend in the world, but certainly he was closer than most. He was a good friend of mine, and I'd known him for over a decade when this had all happened.

He went to our wedding. He was at our wedding. It's insane.

I remember the night that we figured out it was him very vividly. This one will stick out to me for the rest of my life. I was getting home from a trip as an airline pilot and I got a call from Madison. And I don't ever receive phone calls from Madison. We don't call, we text. So if I get a phone call, something's wrong. And I pick up the phone and she's like, I think we might know who it is.

And I'm like, Really? She's like, yeah, I'm pretty sure. And I was like, well, spit it out. Don't make me wait. And she goes, Yankee. I'm like, come on. No fucking way, right? First of all, one of my close friends. Second of all, I didn't even think he was intelligent enough or tech savvy enough to even figure out how 4chan worked. If you knew him well, I mean...

It had to have taken a while to figure it out. We are not dealing with a rocket surgeon here. So I couldn't, I told her, I was like, no way. And mind this, Jack, it had been years where anybody in the room could have been the guy. And there were accusations flung at just about anybody in our life. You know what I mean? It's this guy, it's that guy, it's this guy, it's your best friend.

Like, you know, all these kind of just weird feelings. Can you imagine? You know what I mean? If those are your photos on the internet and every single person in your life is a suspect, it's got to be horrible, right? So I had heard them postulate that it could be one of my friends several times. And I always said, no, no. And I did exactly what I did on that night.

I said, there's no freaking way. It's not him. One, I don't think he's got it in him. He's not that malicious. Two, I think he's too dumb to even figure all this out. But it kind of rattled around in my brain and I couldn't sleep that night. So I got home. And I started looking up the kick names. I started connecting the kick names. And that's what you can do on 4chan.

You can't do it even on 4chan because it disappears within two hours. But the 4chan archive sites, you can search them. And that's how we sort of tied him to all these posts was he had about five or six kick names and I just searched the kick names. And all these random women would come up, including my wife and her sister.

And then there was one that stuck out that night, and it was a girl, a young girl, looked to be 13, 14 years old in a Catholic school outfit that was posted by the same user as the user that was harassing my wife and my sister-in-law. And I downloaded the photo. It was not a nude photo. It was just a girl.

It was a girl, and the text attached to it was horrifying, something like, I want nudes of this girl or I want to rape her or something. And so I download this photo, and there's an embroidered crest or logo on her school uniform. And, um, it's kind of pixelated, but I don't, I, you know, I enhanced it and I sharpened it and I sharpened it.

And I finally was able to make out the words on this photo. And it turns out it was a Catholic girls, middle school, middle school in Daytona. Uh, So I said, hmm, okay, well, I know he's got family in Daytona. Maybe there's something here.

So you jump on Facebook, and within 10 minutes, I was able to find the girl's name and her mom and dad's name, and they were mutual friends and identified family members on his Facebook page. That was his little cousin. Wow. And that's kind of when it all hit. Like, holy shit, it's him.

And then once you had that key piece of information, you keep going back through the other women that he's posting on the 4chan site. And you cross references to Facebook, mutual friend, bang, mutual friend, bang, mutual friend. And there it was. We knew who it was that night. And I just, I absolutely couldn't fucking believe it.

Oh my God, and the guilt. Can you imagine? I mean, if the twins had never met me, they'd never meet this guy. You know what I mean? Just the weight of guilt. Yeah. I invited him to social functions all the time. He was a bit of an outcast and an outsider. And I'd invite him in just because he was a friend of mine and almost like a sympathy invite to stuff.

And I was the one who introduced him to my wife and my sister-in-law. And he, in turn... you know, tried to destroy their lives. There's a lot of guilt involved with that. Wow, they did it.

Am I picturing it right? No, that's exactly correct. And it was a super delicate situation, right? Because We'd already had very limited success with law enforcement to care, to give a shit about what's happening. But we decided as a group that our only real shot to get some attention here is in numbers, right?

And we know that there's five-ish other women and girls who are being harassed at the same time. They must be going through hell themselves. in order to get any sort of prosecution, he, one, we didn't want him to wipe his hard drives, and two, we didn't necessarily want him to stop immediately and go into a hole.

So we had to be kind of, we wanted to be behind the scenes on this, but we had to also band the other women together without them tipping him off, really. So that was our next move, was to figure out how to do that.

there were a few other women that we didn't, that we didn't never even reached out to that he was efforting, efforting nudes of them too at the same time. But we didn't even, we had enough at that point.

So I do want to stress that the minor, the 14-year-old, is so incredibly important to the story. I'm not sure, you know, obviously the Manatee County Sheriff's Office did it, you know, the right thing by forwarding it to the FBI. I don't think anybody would have given a shit if the minor wasn't involved.

Everything, everything, you know, obviously all these women went through some horrible things. I mean, his, his ex from college tried to commit suicide multiple times over this. That's horrible. He was photographing his fiance in their private home and then posting it on the internet to get off to it. This is awful.

And what they did to my wife and my sister-in-law who were just out minding their own business and had nothing to do with this guy is horrible. But I don't think anybody ultimately would have given a shit, really, if this girl was not involved. The posts were abhorrent. I mean, he was basically trying to hire someone on 4chan to rape her and video it and then send it to him.

And I think that's what ultimately got the attention to the case.

Yeah, this took over 10 years.

And Dana, what were you working on in school? I'm an airline pilot, so that's what I was working on. I learned to fly in college. I'm an aviation major.

I think I remember us all talking in the hallway and be like, dude, if he gets five years, we'd be over the moon.

I did. Yeah. I think we all had our own range of emotions, but I certainly did. You know, there was a lot going on there. You know, this was a person that I've known for almost two decades and cared for at one point. And then it was also a person who inflicted some of the worst emotional harm upon my family that you could even imagine. So, you know, that coupled with how long and hard and the

You know, the nights we stayed up till four in the morning trying to compile all these things and put this case together and to get law enforcement to care for it all, you know, to see somebody that you once cared about essentially have their lives ended in the same moment that.

a case that you've put so much effort towards to get somebody to care, to end that person's life, all happening at the same moment was unbelievable. I did. I didn't think I would react that way, but I did.

You know, I don't know if you've ever seen Mary-Kate and Ashley, you know, but that was their idols when they were growing up. And they have their, you know, we can solve any crime by dinnertime. That's the way these two have been since they were, you know, five years old.

Yeah, it was just a touch over a year. And for sure, Jack, Christine's kind of a badass. But for me personally, I see this happen and I'm like, oh, you've got to be kidding me. This is how he gets off. This is how he gets off.

We had the one judge who gave a shit and the guy who, you know, took all these factors into account and understood what really happened here and nailed him with the sentence that he actually deserved. And now we're kicked back to another judge who's maybe not going to quite understand what actually happened here because they're all a million years old.

None of them, you know, the last time they were on the Internet was AOL. They don't understand what this is.

We can call it Not David Spade. And then it's just a mic stand and not me.

Triple the ticket price. Yeah. Because it is better to not hear me talk in all honesty.

Uh-oh. This is just in. Okay, here's Travis leaving. Oh, here we go. Look, no one's around. Wow. He's like, God, why didn't I just bring a flannel shirt? Yeah. I get it.

But the biggest game, and that must be the hardest thing, no matter how good things are going, to take – it's like gambling in Vegas. It's fun to win, but losing makes you feel so much worse. It's lower than the high is.

It's you with the Paul McCartney interview.

Oh, why? Because I made fun of that Paul McCartney. You always say that.

Well, Tom Brady had a big goofy watch on, and I have to say, love Tom Brady. He looks very thin, but the guy cannot look bad, bless his heart, just like Travis, cannot take a bad picture. But he had this, I'm not going to say goofy watch, not my taste, super blingy, and then it was like orange. Yeah, and that feels like not his style.

Yeah. Look at how huge and orange and diamonds. I mean, he's so effing rich. Like, we got it. I like that Daytona to the right or whatever that one is called. Just the Rolex. I just don't like anything super showy. And that looks like a Swatch.

Every time I read it, it's higher, but that doesn't even shock me. If he's worth $200 million, it doesn't blow me away that it's that much.

Listen, I'm not about material things.

This, yeah, I have a lot of quarter zips. You know what that means?

And I'm not embarrassed. Okay, I can't afford a full zip.

You know, I know some famous person, and I won't tell you who.

It was a famous couple. And their house was so big, they had a party and went in the closet. And then they said, oh, and here's how they get their clothes. Button, like the laundromat.

Yeah. Like when you get your dry cleaning. Goes up, around, all their clothes come down. They take it off the hook. They're all numbered. Crazy. I was like, you're so rich. Find your money. I'd throw mine away. This is ridiculous. Yeah.

No, we can't get too much heat on it.

It melt.

So that was them being rich. All right, next story. We're really moving.

What's up, dog?

Why do we need to move? I don't know. By the way, I'll tell everyone before I get to the sickening fucking story. I was on Buzzboys all day. Nate Diaz was late today, so that's what pumped us back. And what do you say to these UFC guys? He's the most badass guy. And I'm like texting Theo in his trailer going, Theo, you better rip him a new fucking asshole when he walks in. You're a producer.

Put on your producer hat and go to town. Just teach him a lesson in front of everyone. Read him the riot act. And? He did not. Neither did I. But then Nate had to push me around in this scene and he kept elbowing me and I'm like, huh? Your hand okay? You ever hit anybody this hard? Can't hurt steel. I kept saying stuff like that and he's just like...

Because obviously I'm a 1000% pussy, but I was taken.

Yeah. And you got- Ran here, just got wrapped.

Yes. Nate Diaz Nate Diaz who's super badass very nice dude he was on yesterday too absolutely Bobby Lee was in yesterday we had a crack up yesterday we had a lot of people and it was pretty fun god this thing I'm smelling a hit it's fun I don't want to jinx it you're going to laugh I'm going to show you some clips next time I see you let's show the audience clips nooooo

Oh, Super Bowl. Yeah, we got Super Bowl bits. What's up? It's not a bit.

Ooh, let's talk about it's raining spiders. This is my maybe worst nightmare. Yeah. Spiders are falling from the sky in Brazil. Spiderocalypse. Everything's apocalypse.

Everything's mageddon. Spidergeddon mageddon.

Is it not like shocking? Oh, and now they show it. Look. Oh. Sick.

uh i would look i would protect you i'd take out my phone i would take out you know i would just shoot my shotgun straight up they're riding the jet streamers spiders can't really fly i think they have all these um all these what you call webs you know so all across all these trees and they get on them all and then they're just that you look above and then they're like all just drop or something

Well, you're kind of ruining the story, but yeah.

Here's my next story. Spiders are driving all over Brazil and hitting people in their cars. You're like, they can't drive. They can land on your car. They can crawl on it. Well, these spiders are, I don't even care if they're poisonous. I can't take it. It's too scary.

I don't know what I'm going to say, but I kind of do.

You don't get culture. You don't get it. Go ahead.

I say, are you on a date? I already know what I'm going to say no matter what their answer is. This is them still coming at you.

Touring toward you in the parking lot.

Or the green room.

Can you get me six tickets to SNL?

They're not even for me. They're for my friend.

Hey, do you mind if we flip-flop? I got another spot at the laugh.

He just quit. Okay, next story. You heard about Nate Diaz, you heard about spiders. And now... Oh, this is... Okay, just play it. There's a guy narrating, but I just want to play it because, you know, things get stuck in the sewer. Is it a baby? Is it a deer? Is it a person, Heather? Chainsaw or bolt? Okay, bolt. Heather, you're cheating. I know you're cheating. One of my choices? Is it a bird?

No, it's a rat. No. Look at Heather freaking.

That's a New York rat.

The most nauseous.

You can turn that guy down.

Remember that song, Ben? There's a movie about a huge rat.

Chupacabra?

You know, I'm all for rat traps. But if you have to wrestle a rat, that's too big. You can't wrestle them.

If your rat has a saddle, it might be too big to be a rat.

If your rat is so big it has an iPhone, you might be with a rat that's too big.

If you're driving with a rat in your car and you can legally use the carpool lane, it's too big.

If a rat can beat you in arm wrestling.

That's what it wrote in Scrabble?

That's your new nickname. That'll get me out of it. I'm looking for names for my tour, but I'm almost there. I have one. Didn't I have one? Did you have a good one? For the tour? Yeah, we can't call it Pipsqueak Life. We're not doing that.

Can't lie.

If that's your idea.

No, that's not you. Tom Segura has a good one. It's called, it's a world tour. It says, I'm coming all over.

I think his is called Miss New Yorkers. Miss America was one of them, maybe. Well, I thought of a couple.

No, I think Comes All Over is better for a world tour. I'm wearing a hat now. Fuck off. I can't take it. I can't take it because my forehead is so blind with this light.

I look at you on this side of the Zoom, and so people are like, look straight in the camera. I'm like, I wish we could flip-flop it where you're on this. You know what? I'm going to put the camera over here next time. Oh, this is after 5 million shows. We already put it lower.

Yeah. And instead, here's me looking at the camera. Here's me looking at Dano.

Like their first song.

Get stung.

I read the news.

Like he likes that part.

Okay.

I heard the news today.

Heather has seen it. She's laughing. No. By the way, it's the easiest thing in the world. You have a cook watching a guy cook and he goes, okay, he's putting the pan down. Okay, this guy's doing this. I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, they play rap for people. They play great songs from history and you get to hear. They have a music coach. I don't mind those.

Oh, yeah.

We were talking about Oh, Darling the other day and Oh, Darling.

They said, Paul, someone saw Paul before the show and said, do you do Oh, Darling? And he said, it's probably the hardest one on my voice. I'm thinking, wow, we should have asked him that if it's true.

Is it when he goes, I'll never make it?

On his own and brought it in. I already did it.

He goes high. I can't do it. It's so hot. Yeah.

Yeah, the beginning is good.

We should ask him next time. He'll never do it again. Let's ask him who decides who sings what? Did we ask him?

It's unreal. I'm with you. It's unreal.

I was hung up on, I'm looking through you. I was going to ask him. That's the only song where he sounds like he's condescending to someone. You remember?

He grew up, like he says... She was too good for him, and now look at me, how I'm doing. Something like that. I'm looking through you, and you're nowhere.

My madre.

If we see him at SNL, what are we going to say?

All right, moving on. What's the next one?

No, we are. Oh, this is Mexican Squid Games. Would you do this game, Dana? Okay, it's a bullring. People are lined up. I think the trick is when it gets you lay down flatter and it runs over you. Whoa. This is a real contest. It's got a lawsuit written all over it.

Is it safe? No. Well, why aren't they getting killed every day? Because if they get to the other side, they get like a hundred bucks or something. Oh, it says winning team gets 24 cans of Coke. You can turn it down, but it's the Squid Game's music. So they all crawl like the centipede.

They're in an arena trying to cross the other side of the arena. The bull is just fucking loose, which would never happen in America because it's too litigious. So this bull... goes around and just starts wailing on people and they go flat when it comes by. That's their trick. It does not always work. It's not a perfect science. And I think we watched it too short because I think someone gets...

Mama said kick you into balls.

nope i'm sure i had a few concussions i could do a wheelie for a quarter mile i don't like to talk about that i know paul mccarney doesn't beat his own that means you did something to the chain if you're popping your stingray and it's really you wish you just did it with a store-bought sears bronco just with pure carry underwood quad muscles that i have and i was just like once i got up i could balance it and be like oh my god oh my god i kept going i'm like

Everyone was freaking out.

Not knowing you, no.

This is another one of my little fibs, but I think I did do that. No footage to cut to. You could skateboard, you said?

Called a Guinness book. You know what's funny about the Guinness Book of World Records? It's now the Guinness website or something. I mean, book sounded better.

I thought of this the other day.

I thought of this the other day. Cause it was like, it was, I swear I saw something odd. Maybe it's today, but I saw something odd. Like guy gets bitten the nuts by a Cobra 60 times in an hour. And I was like, that's a Guinness world. This cannot be a world record. This cannot be anything that anyone's trying to do. But if you pick a weird one, you can win.

These were all possible lyrics that they had to whittle down. Don't call it a comeback. Is that it? I've been here for years.

He's rich enough. Maybe you should do that for him.

We should get Mr. Beast on anyway. Well, I'm going to ask my guy tomorrow because one of my buddies knows him. Let's try to, there's a couple people I wanted to get on.

All right, next one. What is she? This is a podcast. A girl's about to say something. I don't know what. Okay.

That's a great beginning too.

They showed proof they showed a book.

You don't sound like you believe it.

Okay. I'm the movie executive. Okay. Could one of them not be Hitler? But this is the exact same situation. Maybe it could be Marilyn Monroe or something.

Well, I don't get that one. Once he can't talk at all, he just makes noises, right?

All right, I'm in. Okay, we'll take it. Try to suppress your... We'll shoot it in Vegas.

All right, next one. We'll come back to it. Okay, look at this story. Okay, don't read the comments. Just listen to the story. So a guy's pitching to his kid, an older guy.

So the dad's throwing his Mike Trout pitches and a guy sees the video and goes, I'm a local high school coach and I'll show you what's wrong with this kid's swing. And then he wrote it out on Twitter and they wrote back, we're all good over here. And he goes, listen, I'm just giving you some friendly advice. The guy needs to lean back a little more. This guy's going to be a big hitter.

And they go, it's Mike Trout. And he goes, oh, Mike Trout's one of the biggest stars in the world.

Listen, it goes too fast.

These are fucking bombing. This could be our comeback bit. I don't think it will be. It might be easier to understand. This is just... There's a mannequin challenge now. You try to act like you don't move. You don't bend.

Next time we're at Chili's. That's kind of good, right?

That shirt is the one Farley worn at the beginning of Tommy Boy.

It's like girls going, get ready with me, and they put on makeup and tell a 90-minute story.

And you're like, I feel like you're getting ready for not going out. I feel like this was to get ready to do this. And then you didn't really go anywhere at the end. Maybe. This is a theory.

We're fucking the worst, most desperate idiots out there. Okay. Let's do one more. We got to end on a goddamn high note. You got to get back. We got to end. You got to get back to the set. Let me see if this one's any, I know they're going to suck. I can just tell. Shit, I don't know if we should risk it with this one. What do you think? Does it look funny yet?

And you're going to all say this is fake. Everyone says everything's fake.

If it's fake, he has a lot of extras. At least he put some work in. Knight to bishop's pawn. Well, how does he know?

And he remembers ten more? I think he's, you know. He's not doing any fucking celebration dances. What is that handkerchief made of?

I mean, even if there's 10 that are shitty, I'm impressed. Look at him. I don't care.

Before we go to commercial.

He goes, hey, let me sign this for you. Let me write down every move I made today. He's like, Rook to pawn four.

And they keep hitting it with a wooden spoon. The bowl.

He sees these girls that are having sex with a hundred guys at a clip. And he's like, I have to do something like that. But chess wise, I'll play 10 dudes and smoke them. So he did a good job. I think we end on that.

Throws that in.

That was like a six, but it showed there's some smart people out there.

And I got to drop in that I play chess. Okay. Dana, thanks for coming. If you could stick around during the commercial, I want to talk about some other stuff.

Busboys coming.

Soon. We'll be in post for the next six years. No, we're going to whip it out. We only got a week left, dude. We got a week and a half left.

Which one? Gin and Juice?

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.

Even any chest and neck sins? It goes all the way down?

Also gin and juice.

This is a big wind up. I think I know where you're headed, though.

I don't know if I understand it, but... That's a good one.

Well, catchy, hooky. I mean, I think one song in there I sort of knew, but I will say I didn't know them all. Fine. Matt, that show's not for me. Fine. And I like the GNX because I have a Grand National. Remember, I had one for a long time.

you're in a fight with someone or you're mad at someone, is that really the most peaceful, fun, Super Bowl, bring us all together song? Or is it like, hey, fuck you to some guy. And everyone's like, hey, I know what he's talking about. Fine. Also, great visually. I didn't, I got a little snoozy in the middle, but great visually as far as all the outfits, the dancing. And you need that element.

This Letterman beard, does he still have it that long?

You definitely need that.

There was a lot to that Super Bowl. Also, well, the whole thing, you watched it. Chiefs got smoked. Oh, how about this? The Kanye commercial that he paid for, $7 million for that bookie little commercial on his iPhone, which he's done that move before, which is pretty funny. He's paid $7 million, films on his iPhone, says, I have no money left. Here's my grills. Go to my website. Fine.

Ends it with going, um, wasting time. But, What I didn't know, you go to the website. What is it, Dana?

You go there, it's one item, t-shirt with a swastika.

So listen, we all have different merch. I'm listening. It's very interesting merch. Oh, Shopify. How long does it take to take that down? How long do you have to be told? Maybe this isn't, is it a joke? Is it what? I mean, he's controversial, but at a certain point, it's just beyond controversial where people just go, hey, come on now. What are you doing?

And are those checks clearing for 7 million? I guess so, but.

I think it was for Yahoo. Oh, I didn't even see that one, but I knew he did something. I thought for Yahoo, uh, also Kanye's, uh, wife, girlfriend, wife, uh, uh, Her family- Lovely person. Lovely gal, as my mom would say. Lovely gal. Such a- Now, she keeps defending herself and her family keeps going, hey- I'm here by my own free will. I'm not like kidnapped.

And then I want to say to her, maybe don't say that yet. Let's see how things go because you're not even going to get a job at Lady Foot Locker after this. I mean, it's very hard when this is all on your resume to go, oh, you should have that in your back pocket. He made me do all that. I'm the greatest person in the world.

I wouldn't be any part of that because he's saying things causing disruptions where you want to go, maybe I was brainwashed. Let's just say that because it gets you out of it. It's your one free pass.

Cupid really got those two, I have to say.

It's a story you've seen a million times, those two.

Charlie Rich, I think.

When we're behind closed doors.

Behind closed doors. So maybe they're just a cute, they're playing Scrabble every night. I don't know. Maybe it's all an act. It's got to be partially an act.

What's on Tubi? Beep-bop.

You know what was funny?

They said there's an after party for 11,000 people. And I saw today a DJ was like, might as well be going.

Yeah. I don't have any big hot takes at Super Bowl. I didn't even see all the commercials. Because you want to talk during the commercial. And then you're like, when do I talk during the Super Bowl? I want to watch the game. I'm not allowed to talk during the commercials. I'm not allowed to talk during the Super Bowl.

It's a real... You... It's a real...

He goes, not enough. But I remember when the weekend for like a year, He had like a bandaid on his face or something. And then... He had like a fat suit on. Was that something else too?

Do you have his shimmery shirt? Pull it up if you see it. It's the classic situation you don't want. He's dolled up to go into the party, which is a Super Bowl, which used to be the guys were just like, hey, we come in sweats, we get ready for the game. Now it's a full New York Fashion Week. They walk in, they all have purses, they all have hats and stuff.

You walk in like Mary Poppins and then they go, okay, Cam Newton was good. He's a good looking dude. Fine. It makes people think when you don't win, you put too much time into that. Because afterwards, poor Kelsey walking out with this shimmery shirt and one's like...

In the stands during the game?

I mean, does she pick outfits? Because I don't know. I couldn't pick all this shit.

This guy's life was already all green lights. There was no bumps. He's great looking. He's tall. That's all anyone cares about. And he's a football player and he's rich.

Heather. Yeah. And then he retires, but he has to go root for the Eagles and against his brother, sort of, right?

But he got 34 commercials out of it, so he's doing all right.

The singer, The Weeknd. Oh, The Weeknd. I don't think he ever paid off that Band-Aid bit. It was like a long play.

I thought the mom had a cooking show. Was that just a rumor we started?

We always joke about artists. My brother's into art. Banana was bad enough. Yeah. Italian artist sells invisible sculpture for 18,000. Now, it's getting too much. It's too much.

Oh, that's one way to look at it.

I mean, this stuff is, this is a 18,000. Where do you feel like, I'm not paying 20 for invisible nothing. 20 is my top. That's my ceiling.

Dana, I'm so sorry. Whatever I did... I'm not drinking anymore. I'm sorry.

What do you mean?

I'll never do that again, right? Whatever I did, I'll never do it again. I'm never going to drink again. I promise you, right? Because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you. Please don't go.

Can you say with absolute certainty that he is not, nor has he ever been a member of the MS-13 gang? And did you ask him point blank?

You didn't ask him?