Daniel Oppenheimer

He's pushing me harder than I'm used to being pushed by a therapist, expressing skepticism of what strikes him as an overly sanitized version of my internal monologue when I feel criticized by Jess. If your hurt feelings could speak, what would they be saying? He asks. I tell myself I try really hard. I try to be a good person. I try to be thoughtful about Jess and what she needs.

He's pushing me harder than I'm used to being pushed by a therapist, expressing skepticism of what strikes him as an overly sanitized version of my internal monologue when I feel criticized by Jess. If your hurt feelings could speak, what would they be saying? He asks. I tell myself I try really hard. I try to be a good person. I try to be thoughtful about Jess and what she needs.

Maybe I don't get to everything, but it's not because I'm not a good person. Really? Real asks. That's what it sounds like? I laugh self-consciously. Can I tell you what I think it sounds like? He asks. Real pauses, intensifies his tone, and confronts me with the kind of coarse language he is known to use with his male clients, the language he believes they understand and respond to.

Maybe I don't get to everything, but it's not because I'm not a good person. Really? Real asks. That's what it sounds like? I laugh self-consciously. Can I tell you what I think it sounds like? He asks. Real pauses, intensifies his tone, and confronts me with the kind of coarse language he is known to use with his male clients, the language he believes they understand and respond to.

No matter what I do, he says, no matter what I fucking do, no matter how hard I try, you're going to find the one damn thing I didn't do. I can't believe I have to put up with this bullshit again. I concede the point. Jess, I can see on the video, is enjoying the scene. Riel wants me to put more flesh on it. What does it actually sound and look like? What's a typical fight?

No matter what I do, he says, no matter what I fucking do, no matter how hard I try, you're going to find the one damn thing I didn't do. I can't believe I have to put up with this bullshit again. I concede the point. Jess, I can see on the video, is enjoying the scene. Riel wants me to put more flesh on it. What does it actually sound and look like? What's a typical fight?

It often begins, I say, when I think Jess is judging me. A form that one of the kids needs signed for school has gone missing, and she draws attention to it. It's an ostensibly neutral observation, but I'm pretty sure it's aimed in my direction.

It often begins, I say, when I think Jess is judging me. A form that one of the kids needs signed for school has gone missing, and she draws attention to it. It's an ostensibly neutral observation, but I'm pretty sure it's aimed in my direction.

Then there's another observation, or sigh, and I respond with what I think of as a direct but reasonable response, though I admit to Real that there's an edge to it. Hey, Jess, I've been up since 6.30 a.m. I'm doing the best I can. Can you lay off? Real describes this back to me more accurately as a mixed message. Reasonable with an edge to it, he says. That's an interesting description.

Then there's another observation, or sigh, and I respond with what I think of as a direct but reasonable response, though I admit to Real that there's an edge to it. Hey, Jess, I've been up since 6.30 a.m. I'm doing the best I can. Can you lay off? Real describes this back to me more accurately as a mixed message. Reasonable with an edge to it, he says. That's an interesting description.

How much reason and how much edge you got What happens next depends on how Jess responds. If I perceive defensiveness, I escalate to DEFCON 4. More edge, less reason. If she pushes back again, I lose it. That she won't validate me is intolerable. My body floods with stress hormones, and I move rapidly to self-righteousness, pure victimhood.

How much reason and how much edge you got What happens next depends on how Jess responds. If I perceive defensiveness, I escalate to DEFCON 4. More edge, less reason. If she pushes back again, I lose it. That she won't validate me is intolerable. My body floods with stress hormones, and I move rapidly to self-righteousness, pure victimhood.

It ends with me yelling, maybe slamming a door and storming away. If it's a really rough day, the kids will bear witness. You blow up, Reel says. I blow up, I say, pretty zero to sixty. And what does 60 sound like? And be honest. I pause for a few seconds. I mean, it can sound like fuck you or real interrupts, giving what he calls the New Jersey Jew version of my response.

It ends with me yelling, maybe slamming a door and storming away. If it's a really rough day, the kids will bear witness. You blow up, Reel says. I blow up, I say, pretty zero to sixty. And what does 60 sound like? And be honest. I pause for a few seconds. I mean, it can sound like fuck you or real interrupts, giving what he calls the New Jersey Jew version of my response.

Here, Jess, I'll just put a bullet through my brain and then you can be happy, okay? That sounds about right. Jess is amused. This is what we signed up for. Real, whose admirers include Gwyneth Paltrow and Bruce Springsteen, is one of a small number of thinkers who are actively shaping how the couples therapy field is received by the public and practiced by other therapists.

Here, Jess, I'll just put a bullet through my brain and then you can be happy, okay? That sounds about right. Jess is amused. This is what we signed up for. Real, whose admirers include Gwyneth Paltrow and Bruce Springsteen, is one of a small number of thinkers who are actively shaping how the couples therapy field is received by the public and practiced by other therapists.

He is also the bluntest and most charismatic of the therapists I've seen. The New Jersey Jewish version of Robin Williams' irascible Boston character in Good Will Hunting. Profane, charismatic, open about his own life, forged in his own story of pain. He doesn't have his own show, as Orna Goralnik does, or a popular podcast like his friend and occasional collaborator, Esther Perel.

He is also the bluntest and most charismatic of the therapists I've seen. The New Jersey Jewish version of Robin Williams' irascible Boston character in Good Will Hunting. Profane, charismatic, open about his own life, forged in his own story of pain. He doesn't have his own show, as Orna Goralnik does, or a popular podcast like his friend and occasional collaborator, Esther Perel.

But like them, he is a maestro of interpersonal drama. Perhaps his great distinction, in a field known for its gentleness and neutrality, is the force with which he confronts clients, particularly men, about their immaturity. That we were able to see him remains surprising, as does the fact that I can now watch it unfold before me.

But like them, he is a maestro of interpersonal drama. Perhaps his great distinction, in a field known for its gentleness and neutrality, is the force with which he confronts clients, particularly men, about their immaturity. That we were able to see him remains surprising, as does the fact that I can now watch it unfold before me.