Danny Kelly

playing soccer that night I don't know why you can kick soccer with the simulators you can also kick a soccer ball I was like hi Fitz we gotta go do this soccer thing and we go over and I missed the first like legitimately like 10 shots this goalie was fucking good you could have been English PKs and it was like starting to get embarrassing and then finally I made one and I was like okay thank god and then your friend Alexa

Someone came up and did one of the ones where you just barely kick it and the guy dove too quickly and it rolled past him.

I was like, son of a bitch!

I've been kicking it as hard as I can.

But then your other friend, he was the offensive lineman.

He was doing the lineman pass sets on the dance floor.

I'm like, damn, this guy's freaking locked in.

And then he comes up and

Just a trebuchet of a leg.

Just fucking... He was making it almost every time.

I was like, this is what it feels like to be playing against someone who's actually a good athlete.

You forget offensive linemen are huge, the biggest people you know, and also the most athletic people you know.

I haven't kicked a ball since I was in eighth grade, and then there's this guy.

He kept coming over and consoling me because I was like, what the fuck?

You are just...

That is like a piss missile.

I was like, I was like gassing him up.

And he came over.

He's like, my brother was D1, man.

D1 in soccer.