Dr. Alok 'Dr. K' Kanojia

What is psychologically driving me to engage in this behavior?

This is something that we become so fucking decrepit at.

Like we suck at this.

And I'll give you all an illustrative example.

OK, so let's say I'm someone who has a very high level of insecurity.

I'm somewhat narcissistic and I'm getting married.

And then my BFF, who I haven't seen in two years, shows up a month before the wedding for her bridesmaid fitting.

And I've noticed, oh crap, she has lost so much weight and she looks so great.

And in the meantime, I've been in a steady relationship for the last five years.

I've let myself go a little bit.

A few years ago when we were in college, she used to be a little bit overweight and I was like a regular weight.

And now she's really kind of gotten her shit together.

And like I've kind of let myself go and then I feel bad.

Right.

Our positions have reversed.

And so if I'm not careful, what I will do is I'll say, oh my God, she lost weight to make me look bad.

And then I start coming up with all of these excuses for her to no longer be a bridesmaid.

But if I do not have insight into these driving factors, like it doesn't make sense, right?

So, and this is where there's a failure of mentalization because this person in this situation, I don't think for a moment about why would this person lose weight?

I don't consider that they have all kinds of reasons outside of what my mind automatically produces.