Dr. Gabor Maté

Put your shoes on.

No.

And you think, as a matter of fact, I had a friend, I've told this story before, I had a friend called Harold, who had a son called Ben, and we were medical residents at the same time.

This is decades ago.

It's like 47 years ago.

And Harold, the father, says to his son Ben, who was two years old, Ben, do you want an apple?

And Ben said, no, I want an apple.

And what that's about is nature putting a barrier for the child behind which he can develop his own self.

And before your yeses mean anything, you have to be able to say no.

And in this society, we call that inner stupidity.

We call that the terrible twos.

And it's perfectly natural.

So we start with that word and then we stifle it in people and at age 45 they don't know how to say no.

Well, we do.

And the Buddha said 2500 years ago, almost in so many words, that with our minds we create the world.

Now, if your mind lives in a world where you saying no threatens you, then you're not going to say no.

No.

What the Buddha didn't say, which is more modern psychology, is that before our minds create the world, the world creates our minds.

So, if you grew up in a family where your no wasn't respected, where it was seen as a sign of disrespect, disobedience, something to be suppressed or punished, and your acceptance depended on your acquiescence, then you'll forget how to say no in order to protect yourself.

So it starts off as an adaptation.