Dr. J. Budziszewski

And so it's a sort of a macho nihilism.

And so being miserable only reinforced me, you see.

So that didn't do it.

But what happened was, although it had something to do with that prayer, but I...

came to have a perception, not a feeling, a perception like I perceive this microphone in front of me, I perceive this stout in front of me, and a perception that my condition was objectively evil.

Now, you've got to realize I'd been telling myself that there was no objective evil, no objective evil, and no objective good for some time.

And that was one of the reasons that it tore me up.

For example, I loved my wife and I loved my children, but love is a commitment to the will, to the true good of another person.

I didn't believe that there was a good and an evil.

I didn't believe in other persons.

I didn't believe that I was a person.

I didn't believe in my...

that I had control over my commitments because I was just a process.

You see what I mean?

Maybe not even that.

And all of this was an illusion.

So how did I make sense of that love?

And I couldn't.

And I came to realize my condition is objectively evil.

And I didn't argue myself out of it this time.