Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett

My daughter, when she was 12 years old, she was testing for her black belt in karate and Her sensei was a 10th degree black belt. This guy, a 10th degree black belt is the highest you could be. This guy could break a board like by looking at it. He was a scary, scary dude. And my daughter was like not even five feet tall when she was 12. And she's this tiny little thing.

My daughter, when she was 12 years old, she was testing for her black belt in karate and Her sensei was a 10th degree black belt. This guy, a 10th degree black belt is the highest you could be. This guy could break a board like by looking at it. He was a scary, scary dude. And my daughter was like not even five feet tall when she was 12. And she's this tiny little thing.

And she's got to spar with like these hulking like 15, 16, 18-year-old boys. She's got to actually spar with them. And so, you know, she's – and this is across several days. She's got to do this really – and so I'm sitting there. You know, her dad and me, we're sitting there. We're watching her. And so her sensei, you know, saunters up to her and he says –

And she's got to spar with like these hulking like 15, 16, 18-year-old boys. She's got to actually spar with them. And so, you know, she's – and this is across several days. She's got to do this really – and so I'm sitting there. You know, her dad and me, we're sitting there. We're watching her. And so her sensei, you know, saunters up to her and he says –

Sweetheart, get your butterflies flying in formation. And I was like, that's fucking amazing. Get your butterflies flying in formation. He's not saying calm down, little girl. That would actually be bad. You don't want to be calm. You need that arousal. It's there for a reason. It's uncomfortable, but you need it. He's saying, use it.

Sweetheart, get your butterflies flying in formation. And I was like, that's fucking amazing. Get your butterflies flying in formation. He's not saying calm down, little girl. That would actually be bad. You don't want to be calm. You need that arousal. It's there for a reason. It's uncomfortable, but you need it. He's saying, use it.

That to me was like a perfect example of find a different meaning for that arousal. And that meaning is the action that you will engage in. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much it doesn't really look like what it's supposed to, the control is there. It's there. It's not there all the time. It's harder to get, you know, yada, yada, but it's there. And it means that you have more agency.

That to me was like a perfect example of find a different meaning for that arousal. And that meaning is the action that you will engage in. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much it doesn't really look like what it's supposed to, the control is there. It's there. It's not there all the time. It's harder to get, you know, yada, yada, but it's there. And it means that you have more agency.

you have more control. You're never going to have as much control as you want. It's always going to be harder to get. Your options aren't always going to be the same. But you can always find a little more control over what you do and what you experience. And that's the key to living a meaningful life.

you have more control. You're never going to have as much control as you want. It's always going to be harder to get. Your options aren't always going to be the same. But you can always find a little more control over what you do and what you experience. And that's the key to living a meaningful life.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah, they are.

Yes, they are. And think about it too. Social media is pernicious uncertainty there. You know, you, first of all, even when we're sitting face to face, We have all of these cues. We have all these signals. I can see your face. I can hear your voice. Even when all this information is there, there's still some uncertainty, right? We're not reading each other.

Yes, they are. And think about it too. Social media is pernicious uncertainty there. You know, you, first of all, even when we're sitting face to face, We have all of these cues. We have all these signals. I can see your face. I can hear your voice. Even when all this information is there, there's still some uncertainty, right? We're not reading each other.

Bodily movements are not a language to be read. It's a bad metaphor, right? We're guessing. We're always guessing. And we're using a lot of signals to guess. But When you're on social media, you have very few signals. There is a lot of ambiguity. There is a lot of uncertainty. And the only thing that you can do is fill in that uncertainty with your own guesses, which could be bad, right?

Bodily movements are not a language to be read. It's a bad metaphor, right? We're guessing. We're always guessing. And we're using a lot of signals to guess. But When you're on social media, you have very few signals. There is a lot of ambiguity. There is a lot of uncertainty. And the only thing that you can do is fill in that uncertainty with your own guesses, which could be bad, right?

So people who go on TikTok and whatever are giving up. They're like... volitionally giving up their agency and they don't know it.

So people who go on TikTok and whatever are giving up. They're like... volitionally giving up their agency and they don't know it.

They're choosing to be led. They're choosing to be influenced. I'll give you an example. I've listened to podcasts about metabolism. I've listened to podcasts about, you know, skincare. I've listened to, you know, I'm curious. I'm curious about like what kind of information people put out there. I probably turn off 90% of the, I get like 10 minutes into something and I will turn it off.

They're choosing to be led. They're choosing to be influenced. I'll give you an example. I've listened to podcasts about metabolism. I've listened to podcasts about, you know, skincare. I've listened to, you know, I'm curious. I'm curious about like what kind of information people put out there. I probably turn off 90% of the, I get like 10 minutes into something and I will turn it off.