Dr. Martha Beck

All right. So imagine that you are holding an orange. It's a nice, ripe, heavy, delicious orange at the peak of its ripeness. I can tell you've already smelled it. So you can smell the citrus. You just take a bite of it to break the seal of the peeling and just feel that little spray of citric acid that It pops up when you bite the peel and then the bitterness of the rind.

And then as you bite and the juice gets in your mouth, it's sweet, it's a little bit tangy. You can feel the filaments of the skin and the stringiness of the insides. And you can pull it back. You pull back the peel. You can feel it on your fingernails. You can smell it.

And then as you bite and the juice gets in your mouth, it's sweet, it's a little bit tangy. You can feel the filaments of the skin and the stringiness of the insides. And you can pull it back. You pull back the peel. You can feel it on your fingernails. You can smell it.

How's your anxiety?

How's your anxiety?

It's gone.

It's gone.

Because I asked you to use sensory imagination. And that's handled by the right hemisphere. It's not in the left. So instead of verbal imagination, which can create horror stories, you were in a sensory experience. And what I don't think people realize is that we're always imagining what's going to happen to us in the next few days, weeks, months, years.

Because I asked you to use sensory imagination. And that's handled by the right hemisphere. It's not in the left. So instead of verbal imagination, which can create horror stories, you were in a sensory experience. And what I don't think people realize is that we're always imagining what's going to happen to us in the next few days, weeks, months, years.

But we're imagining it based on what we think is real, which is all the horror stories we're hearing about. Oh, you know, I need to mind my health. There will be accidents. My loved ones will die. We have all these stories that haven't happened yet. They may. They're not lies. But that's in the mind as we make our choices. I need to get more money, that whole thing.

But we're imagining it based on what we think is real, which is all the horror stories we're hearing about. Oh, you know, I need to mind my health. There will be accidents. My loved ones will die. We have all these stories that haven't happened yet. They may. They're not lies. But that's in the mind as we make our choices. I need to get more money, that whole thing.

When you imagine forward with your senses in a way that brings relaxation, how's your body when you're in the orange thing? You said it was tense when you were in anxiety. What happens to your physical body when you're completely connected to the experience of this imaginary orange thing?

When you imagine forward with your senses in a way that brings relaxation, how's your body when you're in the orange thing? You said it was tense when you were in anxiety. What happens to your physical body when you're completely connected to the experience of this imaginary orange thing?

Yeah. You start breathing more deeply. You stop producing all the cortisol, the glucocorticoids, the adrenaline that you had in the fight-flight state. And now you're starting to produce serotonin and dopamine and what they call the tendon befriend hormones. So say you could hold that energy and your partner is still tense and running around, but you're staying in this...

Yeah. You start breathing more deeply. You stop producing all the cortisol, the glucocorticoids, the adrenaline that you had in the fight-flight state. And now you're starting to produce serotonin and dopamine and what they call the tendon befriend hormones. So say you could hold that energy and your partner is still tense and running around, but you're staying in this...

relaxed state, can you then, instead of being afraid of her, start to be curious about what's going on? Instead of saying, tell me what's going on. It's more like, wow, she's really dense. I wonder what that's about. And you could even ask her, honey, I don't want to step on your toes here, but the vibe I'm getting is that you're not okay. Like, can I help you?

relaxed state, can you then, instead of being afraid of her, start to be curious about what's going on? Instead of saying, tell me what's going on. It's more like, wow, she's really dense. I wonder what that's about. And you could even ask her, honey, I don't want to step on your toes here, but the vibe I'm getting is that you're not okay. Like, can I help you?

So it's a very, very different thing to approach conflict. One of the people I wrote about in this book is Chris Voss, one of the FBI's top hostage negotiators. And when he's dealing with a violent, psychopathic terrorist who has people as hostages he's ready to kill, Chris Voss says, this is how you deal with him. Gently, with a soft voice, curious about his experience and empathetic about it.

So it's a very, very different thing to approach conflict. One of the people I wrote about in this book is Chris Voss, one of the FBI's top hostage negotiators. And when he's dealing with a violent, psychopathic terrorist who has people as hostages he's ready to kill, Chris Voss says, this is how you deal with him. Gently, with a soft voice, curious about his experience and empathetic about it.

And you're just thinking. What? This is not in the movies. But the human amygdala is a frightened animal most of the time. And we all know that if you run at a frightened animal and say, tell me what you want, it doesn't get less frightened. So what you just did was move your nervous system into a state where you can be a field of peace for someone else who's anxious.