Ellis Jones

A fraud took advantage of my mother.

She had her kid kidnapped and held for ransom.

I don't know why that's funny, but at some point, I snapped, man.

I was involved in some kind of heinous crime that they will never be able to prove.

Every authority figure has failed me.

This world will grab ahold of you, kidnap you in the middle of the night, and do whatever it wants to you.

My dad's major thing when I was growing up was you got to take your brother with you everywhere you go.

Like, you guys can't leave the house together.

Because in the 90s, I don't know if you remember this, there was this mysterious man in the van who was going around, and I guess if he caught you, you'd come back just gerbil-eyed, staring at the wall forever, you know?

Me and my brother, my twin brother, actually, we're like Ren and Steppy.

He's a big guy, and he's very soft and sweet, and I'm wiry, and I'm like a mean chihuahua.

Or when I was a kid, at least.

I've mellowed out.

Maybe my testosterone's lower now.

But he's fat, and I'm mean.

Those are not kids that you want to kidnap.

So my dad was pretty smart in saying, stay together.

Because him on his own, maybe.

And then me just being small by myself would probably be easy to grab.

But the two of us, no.