Emily Falk

Exactly.

So I think that one of the things that can happen is that when, like, for example, when my grandma told me that she wished that we could spend more time together and I barely got it together to let her finish her sentence before explaining why she was wrong, that it's not just that, you know, I'm thinking about that specific situation of like, are we actually spending quality time together right now or not?

But also, like I said to you earlier, like, am I being a good granddaughter, which is an identity that's important to me?

Like, am I being somebody who shows up for her family in a way that feels good for them?

And so this idea that, like, we...

cling to the idea that we're doing things right is extremely common.

Like there's a New Yorker cartoon, I think, where there's a bunch of guys sitting around a boardroom table and the caption is, my last comment appeared to be inviting feedback.

Do not be fooled.

Right.

And that's funny because like the guy is, you know, maybe he said something like he's interested in feedback, but everybody sitting around the table knows that what he actually wants to hear is that he's doing a great job.

In that study, what we had people do was we had college students who told us on a day-to-day basis about how much they were drinking alcohol.

And we randomized people into different conditions.

Some of them just reacted naturally to alcohol the whole time.

Some of them were given a technique where they took the perspective of another person who was part of their social group who drank less than they did.

And so those people on a day-to-day basis were given reminders.

Like, let's imagine that you and I are friends and that you drink less than I do.

I would get text messages that say, you know, today if you encounter alcohol, you should approach it the way that Shankar would.

And other people were given messages that told them to essentially take a step back and just react in a more mindful way.

So basically to have whatever feelings they were having, but to do it from a more distanced perspective.

And both of those kinds of tools for creating psychological distance, taking the perspective of another person who drinks less than you do or reacting in that non-reactive way that characterizes mindfulness, both resulted in people drinking less than on weeks when they reacted naturally or compared to people who were reacting naturally.