Emily Falk

And so trying to understand why what they're doing makes sense to them is so important because we don't have access to it automatically.

Well, if our sense of self and our sense of value are intertwined, then one of the ways that we can maybe be less defensive or more open to new ideas is by having a chance to zoom out and see that our self-worth isn't necessarily tied up in the specific thing that somebody is asking us to change.

And there are a lot of different ways that we can get that kind of psychological distance.

So one of the ways we can do it

is by reflecting on the things that matter the most to us, which psychologists call values affirmation, like really getting in touch with the things that are most important, most core to us, which then can offer the perspective that whether or not I backed into the parking space correctly or loaded the dishwasher the way that you wanted me to doesn't actually determine whether I'm a good person or not because it's not as fundamental as these other kinds of things.

like friendship or compassion or spirituality.

On the other hand, we can also do it more directly by taking a step back and thinking about a perspective of somebody who we think would have a wise response to this situation.

So thinking about a role model or another person who we think might be able to respond to the situation in a way that we ideally would like to, both kind of takes us outside of ourself.

And then there's really fantastic research that Megan Meyer and Diana Tamir did that shows that when we do that mental simulation of somebody else's response to a situation,

The way that our brains handle that task actually then make us take on some of those qualities.

It makes us sort of identify with the characteristics of that wiser or more patient person.

Yes.

So our brains handle different kinds of psychological distance in similar ways, which I think is incredible.

So thinking about ourself somewhere far away in time, like two years in the future, somewhere physically removed, somewhere that's geographically distant from where we are, thinking about ourself as a different person or with different identities, all of those things can create psychological distance.

And taking that perspective of a fly on the wall, for example, can help us feel less angry or reduce aggressive thoughts or reactions that might escalate the conflict or have us show up as not the way that we would want to be.

And this is true, interestingly, both in adults and in kids.

I love this story so much.

And Sue, I'm just so delighted that you were able to do that because what a gift for the students to see that model of somebody who takes a beat and recognizes that everybody has areas to grow and then gets this really positive response, right?

That the students laugh and they're with her.

So now Sue and her students are all on the same team.