Emily Falk

Yes, and it also allows us to think about solutions, right?

So in a story, you can see what you might want the character to do differently.

And without having that immediate defensive response that we sometimes have when we're thinking about our own behavior, when we feel bad because...

we potentially have harmed somebody else.

When we see somebody else engaging in a particular set of things that are not in their best interests or aren't kind or aren't the way that you'd actually want to behave if you're being your best self, it's also easier to see, well, what could the person do about it?

I think that the key distinction here is that taking feedback doesn't necessarily mean believing everything that we hear or acting on it.

It's just giving ourselves enough space to consider whether it might be helpful for us in the first place.

So if we're thinking about the situations on average that tend to make people more open to new information or constructive feedback or

We see that when people have a goal to be accurate or a goal to improve or a goal to solve a particular problem, then they're often more open to what scientists call uncongenial information, like ideas that might challenge your current beliefs or perspectives or suggest that you do something differently.

And so that makes sense that if we have a particular goal and we think that this person's input might help us achieve that particular goal, then we'd be more receptive to it.

Now, on the other hand, when somebody gives us unsolicited advice or unsolicited feedback, that's not necessarily starting from our goal.

We're just going about our day-to-day life and this person comes along and proposes a new goal for us, right?

And then we can evaluate whether they share our best interests, whether they have some particular motivation that is incompatible with our best interests.

And so I say all of that to say that we can focus our attention on things like accuracy motives and on things like whether this is actually compatible with my bigger picture goals and values.

And that that is not necessarily saying that we're being defensive, right?

That's being thoughtful.

Yes.

And my friend Jamil Zeki calls this being a hopeful skeptic.

So as opposed to being a cynic where we just think that everybody's out to get us or that people are terrible, that we can demand evidence, that we can ask for evidence.

things to back up particular claims that somebody is making or behaviors that they're suggesting that we can change and that we can be thoughtful and reflective in how we use that information moving forward.