Emma Hardy

That they're seeing you nonstop.

There's no time for you to kind of step away and maybe self-regulate or even just like put on a different mask.

Like I actually thought about the fact that going to work, leaving the house, doing all these different or taking all these different roles throughout my day actually allows me to put on a different mask and pretend differently.

to cope.

I know often people talk about masking as a really negative thing when we're talking about illness, that it's a forceful thing.

But for me, I actually found it was like a bit of an escape from my feelings when I was really hormonal because I could just play a role and wait for that time to pass.

Because unfortunately, with PMDD at that point in my life, there was nothing I could really do other than wait for that time to pass.

So COVID really took away those coping mechanisms.

And it meant that if I had kind of forgotten how bad it was, well, everyone around me had witnessed it.

And there was kind of no escaping it the next day when I felt better and I was ready to move on.

And everyone's like, what just happened?

And I'm like, did I though?

Did I really say that?

I realize that I'm a very angry person.

I don't think I ever would have thought of myself as being a really angry person until I was really forced to sit back and reflect on what happens when my moods are heightened.

And I think a lot of that anger sometimes I let slip under the radar because I feel like it's justified as well.

Like there's a lot to be

righteously angry about in the world.

But I think that those feelings of irritability and anger really come to the front when I'm unwell.

And that's kind of hard to grapple.