Felipe Esparza

Are you vegan now? Yeah. People don't believe me because I'm so big. They say, what do you eat, crops? What do you eat, deep-fried lettuce?

Oh, yeah. Nutter butters and orioles are vegan, so you must eat that all day.

Yeah, they're peanut butter.

You said good nutter fucking butters. I just imagine you with a big cup of milk and stuffing them all in there and eating it with a spoon.

Only not milk. Half and half. It's disgusting. You know how you get all the cereals? You crush it up and you eat it like a cereal pudding?

Felipe has video cameras. He has video cameras. That will get like... he would get like those sweet potatoes or the i guess they're called sweet potatoes right yeah he'll just put a piece of aluminum foil and cut up chunks of brown sugar and put it in the oven and take it out and eat it. He'll add extra syrup and then he'll eat it like that. Never like that.

Man, can't need yams. Had that for the first time at my friend's house. And they're Mexican, but they were all born in America. So they got more of the good food, more of the American Thanksgiving. He made candied ham and he made candied yams. And man, that ham, I know we just talked about the slaughter, but that ham, I don't know how they did it, but every piece tastes like candy.

I know. You're not going to find a street vendor selling that. Yes. Now there's an idea as time has come.

You know, it's funny you say Monterey. I saw a street vendor in Mexico in Monterey, and he was selling baked potatoes like that. Yeah.

And he would put that tres leches, that condensed sweet milk over them. Yes. And sprinkle marshmallows and just mix it all up. Oh, that's delicious.

Yes, the condensed milk, the Tres Leches, the sweet condensed milk, they put that on everything. But I didn't really start liking it more, so I went to Hawaii and they put it in a snow coat.

It was like pineapple syrup and then coconut syrup, and then they put the white cream over it. Oh, my God, that's so good.

It's fucking delicious.

We make tamales. My wife was raised vegan by her family. I think they were... That's very forward. I don't know the name of religion. Third Day Adventist, I think.

Yeah, Third Day Adventist. They grew up on all that horrible vegan food from the 80s. It's horrible, man. They used to buy... She told me this. I think it's called Lorna. Oh, yeah, Lorna. Oh, my God. They sell vegan Franks in a can. Oh.

In a can. So you open it up and there's like four or three vegan franks in there. And then there's another package that has four vegan chicken nuggets. And then you can just break it apart with your hands and you can make, I guess you could put mayonnaise and make tuna or tuna salad or chicken salad or cut it up. Yeah. It doesn't sound bad. You're going to add a bunch of seasoning to it, though.

You know, we found out that the chickpea can, the juice that's inside the chickpea, if you whip it hard enough, it'll turn into a meringue. And you can use that as a fake meringue in a meringue pie.

I almost tripped out on that corner because they had jazz bar, jazz bar, tofu restaurant, Atlanta Punchline, and some Mexican restaurant with a Sharpie, and then the daycare.

Oh.

Yes, bro. Yes. It's like one. It comes out and looks like a real fat mozzarella stick, but it has corn, like a tamale, and a sliver of meat inside of it.

One time I was really high and I was eating those tacos, the ones you're talking about. The cheaper ones with a little cheap gallon of guacamole and I opened one up. Don't do that. Danger zone. I opened one up to see what the meat looked like and it was just a black round meat patty.

They rolled it in a taco. And I was like, oh, I felt like that kid from Christmas Story when he found out that the colder ring was just a commercial.

Black patty, like bologna patty, black. And that was the piece. And it's just a taco, I guess. You're not supposed to open them, I guess. But I don't know who to be, like shredded meat or something. But no, it was just a black patty.

Yes, I'm in the middle of the tour right now. I just got back last week from Dublin and England and Amsterdam. I had a show in Dublin and it was canceled. I was in Dublin already, so I stood there for three days. I went to England and I did my big show. Then the next day I did a regular show with British comics.

Oh, man. I learned a lot. I learned a lot of history about Dublin. I found out that they had the revolution in 1916. against the British, and then they had their own civil war against each other in 1921 to 1922. And I went to the prison where they actually killed most of the prisoners of war. It's called Kellingham Prison. Kilimanjaro. Kilimanjaro, yeah. Kilimanjaro prison.

And I went on a boat ride. I went to the Guinness. Guinness factory. Oh, nice. That's what I was going to ask you. Yeah. And I went there with my wife, her brother, his three daughters, my friend, and my stepson. And they made me a big non-alcoholic Guinness. And the foam had my face on it.

Yeah, they take a picture of you when you order it. And then they... When you go there, you can watch your beard being formed to your face. It's incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah. I did a bigger show in England, the Lester theater.

It was like 200 people. And then the next day, I did a small show at a regular comedy club.

Actually, my first time doing a leg in Europe, I've been there before, but just to do a one-nighter in Rotterdam, Netherlands.

Yeah, but the crowd at my show were all mostly like... European Latinos?

Or expats that left Mexico or they left Venezuela to live in England?

But there were a lot of people from Los Angeles or people who moved from Los Angeles to live in England. They all came to my show. The next show was all British people. All British people. I had to change words around for that show.

In America, we have child support. I would talk about child support. In England, it's called child maintenance.

Yeah, man. Some of them were from actually East Los Angeles. I met a Colombian guy in Dublin, actually. No, Dublin? No, I met a Colombian guy at my show. He was there by himself, and he had a lot of weed. He was smoking right outside the theater. He didn't care. I talked to him. How did you make it out here? He goes, my wife, she's in the British Navy, and I get to be over here on her dime.

He has full benefits. He's probably going to be a British citizen already. And his wife, she's a Navy officer somewhere, and he's enjoying stand-up comedy.

You know, when you said people in Dublin were nice, they are very nice. When we were on the train and there was a There was a sign on the train, and it said, I'll report anybody that's being rude and not friendly.

So if somebody's going to say hello, you got to report them. You know what? If anybody's listening, if you go to Dublin, Ireland, you're not allowed inside pubs wearing tracksuits.

I was wearing a full Adidas tracksuit with Adidas shoes, and I tried to get in. They stopped me at the door, mate. They said, no tracksuits. And I said, wait a minute. Okay, I can see it. A lot of soccer games, people wear tracksuits with colors of their teams, you know, or they might be a truck dealer. Or anybody who looks, you watch a European movie, all the drug dealers wear track suits.

So I had to stand outside at the, we went to the famous bar, the Temple Bar. Oh yeah, the Temple Bar, sure, yeah.

I went to a soccer game in England. It was Crystal Palace versus Newcastle. I was in South London. That's where the stadium is. I was sitting with Crystal Palace. I think that's where they shoot that show, Ted Lasso.

Yeah, and man, it was different from watching the NFL or a baseball game. It was fast. And you know what? They don't allow you to take your beer into the stands.

People go crazy. People are crazy sober already. So during halftime, everybody goes to the beer and they start chugging beers, man. They don't sell nachos, man. They sell mince pie. Oh, I love a mince pie.

I had a vegan mince pie and I tore it up. It was delicious.

It was, man. It was like dark black meat and they give you the sauce. I think that's the meat they put in the taquitos over here.

I went to a steakhouse in Dublin and And they had like T-bone steaks, like those big chuck steaks. They have pieces of the cow outside.

And they actually had a vegan steak. They had a steak made out of a lion mane mushroom.

So it was like red, this fat. And they made it look like, my wife said it tastes like steak because she never had steak before. So she has nothing to compare it with. So I guess it tastes like steak if you forget what steak tastes like.

Rowdy, man. I didn't see any women. besides my wife and my sister-in-law.

Well, it's crazy, man. I don't know the parking situation, man, over there, but it seemed like everybody took a bus, and they were screaming in the bus, and they were singing their anthem. Oh, well, well, well, well. Crystal Palace.

I know, man. Would it hurt the bus companies anywhere in America to leave a sign that says, right on the bottom, doesn't run on Sunday? Just tell us.

Big Taquitos. In Atlanta, I went to a restaurant called Blaxican.

Yeah, it's a black Mexican restaurant. It's like Mexican soul food.

It was good.

Catch me there next weekend. They had like, I think all the regular beef, like the barbecue beef, it was made into a quesadilla. You could have like, I don't know, black eyed peas. Wow.

Yeah, and black again. He used to have four trucks and a restaurant, but now he has a restaurant and maybe two trucks.

I know, man.

I eat a lot of vegan food over there at Overpriced, Slutty Vegan.

Our answers are for dollar signs.

I used to go there every year to Atlanta Punchline. That's the original one. But now they moved to Buckhead at that diner.

But when I was at the original one, OMG. Right next door, they had a 24-hour daycare. Yeah, man. So you could be at the club, man, and then drop out your chick's baby at that place and then go handle business.

You wouldn't know that. And I went to, um, I did a show there with, um, for American Insurance, I'm pretty sure it's big, American Family Insurance, and I did a show in Atlanta, because American Family Insurance, they like to put up a big stand-up show every year, and they put all the stand-up in their website, so when people go to the insurance company,

or they're fitting our form where they could watch bill batley do stand-up or right so we went there and i didn't know that um atlanta was a lot of gay people huge huge because we were not because we got there at the hotel it was nothing but man like i tripped over a dick but there was no um There was no women. But we got invited to an after hour at this club.

Bro, that was the most expensive club ever, man. It was called the Post or the Vault or the Compound. I don't know what it was called.

Oh, you got bottle service. That's crazy. I didn't get it. Tony Rock got it, but there was a big line to get in and everybody that was ordering, they were making you get bottle service when you came in. And I saw Tony Rock walking with two bottles because he wasn't sharing.

It was a big line for VIP, which is real long. And then the general admission was just as long. But if you wanted to buy bottle service right away, they just let you right in. That's it. And I saw a police officer. The guy, the Atlanta police officer, he was the size of a regular linebacker in the NFL. And he was fighting.

He got into an argument with another person that was like a regular size defenseman from an NFL team. And they were both yelling. And, man, that cop, he took out that extended.

The extended metal baton. And I saw him from the hotel van. We were about to park. And I saw him take it out and started beating that guy in the right places. You know, like a real cop, if he wants to really beat you up, he'll hit you on the elbows, the wrist, fingers, kneecaps, and the ankles. And that way nobody will see it. You know, that was just a regular beating.

Like, I'm going to let you get off. I'll let you off easy on this one. Because if he wants to murder you, he'll hit you in the face, the eyeballs. So this guy got hit in the elbows, both elbows, so he couldn't swing no more. And then he took one to the kneecap, and he got down, and he took one to the shoulder. And then he didn't arrest him.

Yeah, it's like you know all of our secrets.

When they say the good old boys, it's the good old boys.

Some guy woke up and saw Chips or T.J. Hooker and wanted to be a cop. Atlanta PD is someone who's already mad because he didn't make it to the NFL.

And he's too smart to be a regular bouncer somewhere.

You like to travel? I love to travel, man. I come from a family of seven kids. I couldn't wait to get away from them. Whenever my family would go on a trip and they would say, who wants to stay? I look at their hands. Okay, I'll stay alone.

Yeah, that's why I do a bit about how I said Home Alone only works with a real rich white family. Because if you're rich, you're never alone. Even if you're left alone, grandma will be sleeping somewhere and you got to take care of her now. And the whole movie will be you trying to kill grandma. Yeah.

Thank you, man. This was fun. Yeah.

Massacre animals and then the compound.

Happy holidays. Happy Kwanzaa. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Thank you. That was fun.

I have three. Three of mine and one with my wife, but I'm not the real father. How old are the children? They're not children. They're adults now. I had them when I was in high school. Oh, God bless you. You're out of the... I've been out since they've been born. What you call... People say that I'm an empty nester. I was an empty nester when I was 18.

I think we're big when I was growing up. When I was growing up as a kid, we always spent holidays with our cousins and our aunts and our grandma. Most of my father's family, they live in Los Angeles, like all of them. I think I'm All his brothers and sisters migrated to Los Angeles at one time in the late 70s, early 70s. And so all the family we knew was my father's family.

So we would go over there and they would kill a pig, man, or kill a goat. Really kill it right in front of us. And they didn't care about the city code or nothing. No, fuck that. It's weird, man. We would go to a place where they would slaughter animals in Rosemead, California, which is only like 35 minutes. And people just have ranches with livestock.

And we would just go over there and buy goats. I didn't even know because they were going to baptize my brother when he was three. And we didn't know we were a slaughter farm. I'm still affected by it because that's probably why I'm vegan now. We were playing with these three goats. I thought it was a petting zoo because we were kids. And we're just like petting them.

And next you know, these two guys grab our playful goats and they slit their throats right in front of us. And they run around, spraying blood on their necks, crying, of course. And we ate them the next day.

At least he's not there when it happened though. No, but listen.

I'm sorry, did they kill the cows with that little cop router, like No Country for Old Men, that they slit their throat, or they shot them?

The people that are actually doing the slaughtering are not the people that can actually put a sentence and a paragraph together. Yeah.

Really?

You know the guy's name when we went on Rosemary? His name was Albor Torres.

Maybe he was... Clearly, I asked about the pig because there were no cows where we went, but there was a lot of pigs. And I remember the guy shot the pig. With a gun? Yeah, right in the forehead. He grabbed him and just shot him. They put him upside down, and then they cut it. And in a bucket, I remember everything falling down. I was like four or five watching. And... They saved the blood.

I remember that I asked my dad, why are they saving that part? And my dad said that that's the stuff they can sell to a doctor to make medicine, I guess, insulin.

Yeah, insulin for diabetes.

You mentioned a plane crash because I was there when he did that joke. I was in the back of the comedy store. He said American Airlines is hiring him. And then he said, because I remember who survived that airline. And he said, fuck that. Everybody says, how come they don't build a plane out of the black box or sit me next to the black box? Sit me next to a fucking baby. Baby survived.

Give me a hold of that baby, bitch. A baby survived? Yeah, a baby survived an airline, the flight one time. And he said, I want to hold that baby. I want to hold somebody's baby in an airplane. Just in case it goes down. Because if a baby survives, I'm going to survive.

I'm fucking it all up.

Yeah. I hung out with Brian Holtzman. I hung out with Brian Holzman and his mom in San Antonio, Texas.

I can't believe it. There she is.

Because we were doing the Latino Laugh Festival.

And he was the only non-Latino on the show, him and Darren Carter. And, bro, there was all Latinos, bro. Everybody was getting shit. Johnny Sanchez pronounced his name like an American. And somebody yelled out, it's Sanchez, fucker. How did they say it? I don't know. He said, hello, my name is Johnny Sanchez. And then somebody said, no, it's Sanchez with five A's. Sanchez. Oh, boy.

So he got heckled.

There she is. Whoa. She looks like Elaine from Seinfeld.

Yes.

Yes. And then Brian Holzman goes up there.

And Brian Holzman was up there. He said, um... He goes, this is not a comedy show. Close all the doors. I goes, Border Patrol is going to come in here and take everybody. But this is after we were doing this taping. Mencia shows up. There's a guest spot on our taping and goes crazy. Long, you know, really long. You know, like Jeff Valdez looking around.

But that's the haircut back then, huh?

So then that's when Barry Holston goes up and murders it. He goes, man, I got to figure out this immigration problem, man. We got a bunch of U-Haul trucks, U-Haul trucks. We go around to every Home Depot. We got these people. Yeah, we're hiring, bro. There's lots of jobs. Muchos trabajos. Come on. Get in the trucks. We fucking take these trucks. We drop them off in Tijuana, Mexico. Yeah.

And he held his job, too, when he had a job.

Blue-collar guy.

Ali Lieberman?

What's up, fool? Good to see you, too. When was the last time I saw you, brother?

Weird advice sometimes, man. The managers give you the clubs. Terrible advice.

I know, man. What good advice? I was bummed out one time because, you know, you have to go back and forth, back and forth until they make you a regular. And I was trying at the Laugh Factory. And one time, Jay Masada, he told me, I don't see you making it, man, for another six to eight years.

She's going over her set.

And then when I finally got last coming standing, I looked at him and said, Jamie, your body was full of shit. It took fucking 12. It took 12, not six. But I was bummed out when he told me that. I was like bummed out. You know, you get bummed out. You realize you're putting all this work in. You can't be a regular here. So you got to go back to these other rooms. I talked to Brad Williams.

And he said, fuck that advice, bro. You know what he told me? He said, he told me that I should get all the little people I can find in Hollywood. All of them, all the little midgets, all the little persons, and bring them to the Laugh Factory. And Jamie said, you can have the biggest little person show in all of Hollywood. That was his advice for Brad.

So then I thought, I was not feeling so bad after that. Then I talked to Alonzo Bowden, and he told Alonzo Bowden that he should put on shoulder pads and be a football comic. So, Joe, after hearing that, I don't want to cry anymore. Oh, my God.

Yeah, they're like outdated too.

No one.

I did heroin one time, but I didn't show it up. I just smoked it, but I was in Amsterdam.

Yeah, man, gangsters own a lot of stuff that a lot of people wouldn't want to own, like a gay club.

Like in LA, they own all the gay clubs. They were not rated because they were paying money.

It's called a Ford Fiesta. Yeah.

I read this. It's like crazy, right? My mom didn't like Elvis. She liked the Beatles, right? And I asked my mom, how come you don't like fucking Elvis? He's badass too. Oh, because Elvis said that I'd rather have kids a dog than a Mexican woman. And I said, when did he say that? And he goes, he said it. Then I found out later on when I went in a rabbit hole, it was a Colonel.

Five years ago? And I did the show here when you were in L.A.? Yeah. At the warehouse? Damn.

The Colonel spread that.

Because he wanted to keep him in America and not tour anywhere.

Yeah.

I know, man. Imagine walking into a room and you just go, you want a kiss? And they kiss.

No one ever done that, huh?

It was too much. Did they cover it up the first time?

Badass. This is one video or picture of Elvis that I like besides the one you have here, the rested. Mm-hmm. When he's playing an outside event, and he's wearing all black, and he's fucking young as hell, and the purple door looking good, the blue eyes are shiny, and he's like, bro. And everybody's fainting.

He was doing shitload of gigs, right? Like he'll leave, he'll do like a two-hour show and then leave, go do another two-hour show somewhere else.

Bro, if you're a musician, though, like Elvis, it's great.

I lose my mind being in the same place seven days a week, 14 shows a week.

Good shit. None of the stuff you buy like in Grand Rapids, Iowa.

You went to Vegas. Every day, probably like 50,000 people show up.

Look at it. He didn't assemble with it.

Sometimes I wonder, man, like how would I handle that much success at that early age? Bro, you wouldn't. I know. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, bro.

Mine was like the little mountain guy on The Price is Right. And then stopping along the way. Bunch of haters. Kiki, Kiki, Kiki, fighting with other comics. Coke here. Yeah. El Compadres is too long with Joey Diaz.

We got a whole other channel? You had local channels, too, though, in your neighborhood?

You need those. Somebody got to play karate movies.

Fun shows, man. Living single.

SCTV.

Yes.

Yeah, man.

Especially when Devin Williams and Devin and Greer were doing men on film. There's an episode where fucking the camera falls.

Yeah, the camera falls on Damon Wayans, and he becomes heterosexual all of a sudden. And then David Languille starts touching him. He goes, make your life away from me, man. How about when he played Handyman? He played a mentally retarded... I love that one. Oh, my God. That's my favorite movie.

It scared the shit out of me. I was afraid of cocaine, man. Because when I started stand-up, I started stand-up in 94, 93, at an open mic. And I was clean. I was sober. I was in rehab. and I wanted to be a comedian. So I went to a library to learn about writing, Jean Perrette, comedy writing, step-by-step. Another book called How to Write Funny, Be Funny, and Make Money Being Funny.

Let me tell you something.

My daughter's a burn victim, by the way.

That's what you'll get.

Nobody needs to know about that, man.

I remember one time it happened to me, bro. I just looked at it and went, wow, that's a big-ass skin tag you got right there.

Yes. He's funny as hell.

Yes.

You didn't wear a suit. Shut the fuck up.

I remember one time, bro, they told me to wear a suit, and I wore it, and I saw Joe Deere wearing a suit. I said, bro, we look ridiculous, huh? Joe Deere, he was wearing a beanie. I remember I called him the Coca-Cola bear he got, man.

It really does. Do you feel like you're going to change your posture?

And that was a real great book, bro. I mean, it had comedy clubs locations in the back, and it had booker numbers to submit your comedy.

So everything fits perfect. I mean, I don't want to make fun of the other guys, but you're announcing, you know, you're a big muscle guy, but it doesn't look like you're coming out of that suit when you wear it. It looks real good on you.

And you go to Fox Sports, man. They're about to just come out. They don't look like fucking orangutans, bro. They don't look like Mr. Hyde.

Yeah.

Wow, that's amazing, man.

I was in an airplane at the Delta, and I saw Jason Momoa.

And I said— A little too handsome for me. And I just said, what's up? No, I don't know how to meet people. I always tell weird people, I'll say, Jason! Just like that, Jason! Jason! What's up? And then I didn't know that. We were sitting almost close together on the airplane. Then he saw me again, bro. Then I said, what's up? Then I felt like I creeped him out again, man.

And then my wife was recording him, bro, recording him. But I was on my phone. He thought I was recording him.

Crackle or something like that.

He played with them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There we are. Two people get mistaken by.

That's how I'm supposed to look, too.

No.

We're identical.

Me.

If Quentin Tarantino might do it. Somebody should do it. It'll start with the ending. It'll be like the ending of the movie in the beginning and will confuse us.

It'll be the first time that you'll see a Conan movie with everybody saying the N word over and over.

That was a badass fucking movie, bro. You felt that movie, bro.

Hardcore.

I remember, bro, when I was looking for gigs in 2000, right? And I remember this comedian named Shang and Dante. Yeah, I remember those guys. Those guys had a list, like a five-page list of comedy bookers' names, NACA numbers to call. And the back of the page was shitty bookers to avoid. And they had to sign it to the comics for like 75 bucks.

That one was hardcore, man. The Passion of the Christ. Yes.

Kind of like the exorcist, man. Like if the exorcist, the devil, would have had like an Irish accent, it would have been a totally different movie. But the Latin accent, the whatever language, Latin language. Right, right, right.

Fuck yeah. Exactly. You don't even know what the language is, but you're fucking scared, huh?

Knock your ass out.

Dangerous dudes.

You're like you, bro. You're like one of those guys. You're like, to someone who doesn't know you personally, you're like, try me.

I'm real nice. If I didn't know you and I saw you walking down the street and you're not Joe Rogan, I'd be like, okay, man, this guy's good fight. He's healthy. Stay away from him.

But you've been friendly since day one, though. I was talking to your driver, Rebel, about when you gave me that SoloPipe. And then you said you stopped using it because of butane. Yeah. And I remember I was telling you that the reason it's called SoloPipe is because you're supposed to use it by yourself. But I remember I told everybody you gave it to me, and everybody wanted to hear it. Yeah.

By the time I got it back, it was fucking hot.

Oh, that's what that guy said. Guys in New York. Give me some ember.

Ember. What is ember? Fire? Oh.

Get better later?

No.

Oh, horrible. Because I remember lighting a match, and then you get the ugly-ass fuel. You know what's real bad? What? Scented candles.

Fuck.

I hope all those candles that I've got in a massage parlor were safe.

You had that guy on the show here.

It was like a Chinese restaurant.

Yes. You know? And when I was a young comic, I would see older comics that I would see on television. They were just coming out at that bar or the patio.

I'll let you burn them to make s'mores with a lighter and a fork. You know what's supposed to be really bad for you?

Paper or plastic straws?

Okay.

Philly Bank? Pali Floracro.

Oh, fuck that. Because people have done that. Idiots.

With a straw?

I know, man. You wouldn't let your baby hold that. Why are you holding it?

You ain't ready.

Yeah, man. Don't carry a rake. I was outside over there going, I was holding that baseball, and I'm holding that baseball, and I'm looking at the werewolf, and I'm thinking, I'm looking at my wife, I bet you I could throw a knuckleball and make it right in the fucking werewolf mouth. You're going to fuck something up, sit down.

That I still could throw a knuckleball. Were you a good baseball player?

No, I was good at playing streetball with a tennis ball. And I had a good jump on a tennis ball. And we would put over like a regular fastball. Yeah. And I used to make that shit. Man, that was good. Dude, we used to play stickball on the street.

I don't get that game. I Wikipedia'd the other day to learn how to play because they're having like a stickball tournament in New York last week when I was there. Yeah, that's the video I saw.

Yeah, they were having a tournament. Other veterans that used to play stickball in New York showed up to play. Oh, he slid on concrete, bro. But I never knew the game because in LA we play over the line. That's a good way to get a staph infection.

A broomstick, right?

Now they're all online. I used to play crazy games growing up, bro, that I'm pretty sure kids don't play that anymore. I used to play this game called huevos, which is called eggs. We used to put a bunch of holes on the floor. with your name on it, and then somebody will throw a tennis ball.

And whoever the ball lands in that hole, that person has to grab that ball and fuck somebody up in the back before they make it to the wall. And that person you hit has to grab that ball and then hit people on the way back before they get to the other side of the wall. And if you miss everybody, you get an egg on your little hole.

And once you get four of them, we all take turns fucking you up with a tennis ball while you're just standing there like this.

Yeah, there was no cable back then. And we didn't want to join gangs.

And we didn't want to read.

You ever play suicide, though? I don't remember. How's it go? It's a handball court, a wall, and you throw a ball. And there's five kids. And you catch it. But if you miss it, everybody starts fucking you up. So you make it to the wall. No, I never played that. Suicide. Never played that. Everybody stands by the wall and you throw the ball against the wall. You try to catch it.

And if you miss, they fucking jump you till you get to the wall with the ball.

You got videos of it, Jamie? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

There's always this asshole kid that didn't like that kid that was going to get hit, and he'll put that fucking ball in a shitload of water and mud.

Also, remember, if that person that was supposed to get hit by the ball runs home, we'll fucking chase him home or beat him up in front of his mom.

Yes.

TikTok saved your life.

I know, man. I wonder if kids do a shoplift for fun.

You don't do it now, right? No. You see opportunity.

I don't do it anymore.

I know. But sometimes I'm walking around, and I see like a pack of donuts, but they're far from where the donuts are.

Like they're by the shoe, and they're open. And I'm like, I'm all high looking at the donut. Like, damn, you're lost. Yeah.

He had money.

How you doing, brother? Swap. Swap. I saw him do that while he's talking to the guy and he put his knickers.

I think that was a game, man, that road companies would do, bro, on the way to a gig who could shoplift the most shit out of the gas station.

We should get power bars.

Hell yeah, man. You got to buy a grilled cheese there and put pork rinds in there from the package.

Those were good, though. When you were hungry. Ramona's.

Where am I? This place is dangerous here.

Fishing poles? You need a hamburger? What else?

We got a shower in a bag if you want a shower.

No, no, no. I've seen that.

Put that picture up again. Oh, my God. So there's a fake In-N-Out in Mexico, too. Oh, that's so funny, man. And there's a fake In-N-Out in California, too.

Yeah, it's called Easy Takeout, and I think they used to be... Same uniforms, same stand, same burgers, but they just added a breakfast burger. It's called Easy Takeout in West Covina. Wow.

He's lucky to have two teeth.

He has a pompadour, though, right?

Oh, it's a raccoon.

He's a bandito.

He's talking about nuggets. The guys that were up there all coked out. Oh, yeah. Working the crowd.

And the red hat.

Yeah. But what's his name? This is Comedy Club and Tommy T's. He used to have the Lauren Hardy, the what you call it, the Lauren Hardy logos. Lauren Hardy. Yeah. Yeah. And for his comedy club. Oh, yeah. He got sued by Bowls of the Clown. He owned the copy.

Yeah, the cartoon. Anything that you put cartoon on it was Laurel and Hardy's face.

Yes.

Yeah, that guy.

Yes, man.

Yes. Who's on first? Who's on first? Eddie Cantor, bro. Who's Eddie Cantor? Eddie Cantor was the first comedian to do radio. Right. And he was, because I have a history for Fools podcast, so I learned about the history of stand-up comedy. Plus, I read that. I watched the documentary. But he was one of the first guys, but he was very clean, bro. He sang. Can we hear some of this?

He was the first red guy to have a radio comedy show. I'm trying to hear what he's saying. What is he saying?

He'll be on the radio, bro, talking, and then he'll pinch the chicks in their butts. Oh, God. Yeah, and then, like, they wouldn't say nothing. And then finally a woman says something, Mr. Cantor. And he had her fired.

Yeah, and you pass by and you see, oh, that's, man.

It's World War I, bro. Back then, for a stand-up comedian, like, what I found out was, imagine you do a gig. $200 back then, right? And the promoter says, the gangsters, I'm not going to pay you. And you don't get paid, and they go call the cops.

You had three vagrants walking around downtown, and then your three comedians walking around town with no hotel, no pay, and they're going to pick you up for being a hobo now.

But that was back then, bro. That was a hard time. Imagine from then to now.

Yeah, better gigs.

Yeah, I have a special right now on Netflix, Raging Fool. We shot it at the Crest Theater in Sacramento, two shows. My wife directed it and executive produced. She executive produced all my specials. But we shot it with our own money. We paid everybody, and then we sold it to Netflix. We made like a two-year deal. Oh, that's awesome. So you did great. I love the tracksuit.

Yes, because of Raging Bull, because Raging Fool. Got it. Because of Raging Bull. I love the tracksuit. It's dope. Because I was watching that movie, Raging Bull.

And I was thinking that when Jake LaMotta had nothing left to do in his life, he had nothing how to make money.

He said, you know what? I'm going to be a comedian. So, and I felt like, wow. He had nothing else to do with his life, so he figured out, I'm gonna do stand-up comedy. Because that was the last thing, and for us, it's like the first thing.

And he had like – you saw the movie, right, Raging Bull, when he's doing stand-up? And he's at a bar called Jimmy's Corner Bar, and that bar is still there.

Did you fuck my wife?

I like when he looks at his hands and he goes, he don't like his hands because they're not big, I guess. He goes, I can never be a heavyweight.

Crazy.

42, wow.

Yes.

Yes.

Some of those gangsters that were in that movie were actually real people.

The other place, you got to be from there to pronounce it right. Which one is that? The one that you did for a steak sauce. Oh, Worcester. Worcester. Yeah.

Like that woman in that movie. I think you talked about it. The one that used to collect ears and put them in a jar. Yeah. Yeah. She was an actual real person. She had a bar where people would just have a jar full of pickled ears and noses from previous fights.

And they would have fights in the back with a mongoose fighting a dog. Oh, my God.

Yeah, the good, bad, and the ugly.

Still alive. Yeah. Same mentality, same craziness.

I always think about that man, like, when the... Jesus.

She was Maggie. Hellcat Maggie. Jesus Christ. I think about when the Irish are coming in at the same time when that movie's happening, and they told them, you want a free meal? You want to fight for your country? And they give them a uniform, and their families go off to New York, and they go off to fight the South.

In 2010, I was doing Last Comic Standing there, and I got there a day early, and I hung out with a Boston comic. I think his uncle is the guy they caught that was missing in action, the Irish gangster.

Just imagine coming out of the boat and someone just hands you a gun and a piece of bread and goes, go fight for America. And I think about that, like, wow, some hardcore people right there, man.

Different times, man. Desperate. Yeah, and then people look older then than they do now. Oh, yeah. They look old quick. Yeah, like you look at a person's photo and you go, how old is that kid? He looks like 70. Oh, that's a 25-year-old kid working the coal mine.

Black lung.

Pittsburgh? Indiana. Oh, Indiana.

Yeah, it was like a mile, bro, of coal, and it had no cover on it. That's crazy. And it was just falling off. They said that, well, I don't know how much coal flies. I don't know shit about coal, but I just know what the guy told me. There was a mile train of coal coming from Minnesota on that one line, and there was a boat. I could see the boat where it was going.

Yeah.

Hey. Someone should check to see if maybe they know something we don't. I know, man. What are they producing with that coal? They're doing a lot.

David Mosher is the comedian. Yeah, and he was, I said, yeah, man, were you performing Worcester, sir? And then he took the joint. He goes, no, bro, it's Worcester. Okay. Thank you for telling me, bro.

I thought it was made in Akron, Ohio.

Oh, no, man. I like the bigger phone. And the little pen. You like the pen. I love the pen.

OG right there. Right, right, right. You're like, what? Right. I used to see her at Dodger Stadium when I was working at Dodger Stadium. And I would ask her for advice. And she was just, you know, like, every comeback back then, just keep writing. She was a funny comic, man.

Is that the S24? Yeah, that one. S24 Ultra? Yeah.

Right before it.

A year and a half ago, I think.

It does a lot of cool shit. Good videos, right?

Only 1.5%. I take a picture of you, right, and then do that one screen, and then I circle it, and it'll find a sweater for me.

That's what my wife always wanted. She wanted to have it where you're watching television, and you pause it with your finger and make a circle, It just ships to your house.

Oh, the one that we could record now? Yeah, I've seen those.

Sound like the T-1000 Terminator.

Wasn't there a movie like that? Yeah, there's been a bunch of movies like that. Roddy Piper was like that. Oh, they live. They live. They have the glasses. Yes. Right. That was Aliens. I think about that. Sometimes when you have a guest, they go, wait a minute, he's talking about those glasses from Roddy Piper?

Right there. Try that. Oh, it's... It's Anfu Nguyen.

Ardolfo.

So it's An Phu Nguyen. Okay. I can see it. Little Dutch there.

This is a making up name now.

The whole screen is on there, but you've got to navigate all the way around to read everything?

I remember those.

Yeah.

That sounds like Larry Bubbles Brown from San Francisco. Yeah. He still has the flip phone.

It's just hilarious. Do they both have the original phone numbers from when you first met them?

I think I still have my same phone number for the last 20 years.

Yeah.

Do you share your phone number a lot?

What time do you get up?

Eight is good. I tell you a story like, my bro, I get up at five every day.

Wow, that's dedication.

Me too.

How do you make that funny? I don't sometimes.

That's funny you said the verge of war. When you first started doing stand-up comedy, there's been a lot of verges of real wars, huh?

Desert Shield was with Norman Schwarzkopf.

It just happened at night, right? We started watching the air raids.

What did I fire for? Or tell you the truth, I kind of forgot myself. My favorite one is the unforgiving, man. When a guy is crying, could he kill somebody? He goes, that's what happens when you kill a man. You take away all he ever wanted and all he ever had.

Outlaw Josie Wells.

I like that line when he goes in there to get those people that killed Morgan Freeman. You just shot an unarmed man. He should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his place with a friend of mine.

Yeah.

I had a first comedy album, the one he did with Roaring or something.

That's what I think about now. When I watch those movies now, like Gangs of New York, I look towards somebody, man, it fucking stinks out there. People are ignoring the fucking stink. There's a rotting body right there.

And the little napkin that they had on the big white wig people, they had a little canker shift. And they would just carry it, bro. And they would have perfume on it. They would put it in their nose so they wouldn't have to smell like the poor people.

And nobody had a job picking it up yet.

And throw in like shit water out of a... Look at this. That's all shit.

Yeah. That was great. That's a great album. There was a place like that, a Boston place, but not in a documentary, but Will Durst, he's a San Francisco comedian. Sure. He had a room like that called the Comedy Zoo or the Zoo. Holy City Zoo, right? Holy City Zoo. Yeah.

Oh, man, when I was at my grandma's house in Mexico, they still had an outhouse. They didn't have no plumbing.

Soil men who carted away of America's waste.

And meanwhile you're reading.

Yeah.

And you're in Italy reading books talking about the streets are made of gold.

And there's a comedian that came out of there that's a killer comic and he's still alive and he opened for me and he opened for Rob Schneider and Papa and he opened for a lot of people. Larry Bubbles Brown. Oh, cool. And he's an old school guy. After every joke, he goes, mer. Mer. But he did Letterman in 1992. And then he did it again in 2006.

What a shitty job.

Imagine. Those are the men.

It's got breath stunk, I bet.

Oh, my God.

He died of dysentery.

Oh, man. I also think about... That's so nasty. And condoms back then were probably still sheep's wool, right? Sheep skin. Sheep skin? Yeah, like sheep intestines. I saw a movie where a woman, a guy, a woman, she was washing the contraceptive.

Right after this white wig guy threw it at her face. Wow. So she's using the same one for every man. Oh, my God.

This is... Probably started the plague.

That's so nasty, man.

Imagine him waking up in the morning...

So he has a record for doing Letterman between 30 years. Wow. But he's one of those comedians that never left San Francisco.

Liquid human remains?

So you're making pozole with people?

Making menudo with people or what?

Are they compensating the family?

No, it's not made up.

Do they put them in there alive? No.

Well, I want to be cremated, but if that's an option. You're just talking about it.

You see that oak tree? That's Joe Diaz, by the way.

No, they're making them to a soil, right? Oh, right, right, right.

We just do his part.

So we have that machine but not no fucking sewage.

But that guy is vegan, so don't give it to him.

I drink dead people.

But then people start looking at that like they'd look at chicken. How are they raised? What kind of parents did he have?

Did Jeffrey Dahmer have that?

If you ever get invited to a restaurant, they tell you you're just a human being, would you eat it?

Why would I eat a person? Or will they tell you after, man, you just ate a...

Decomposed acroline body that we made into chicken.

Hell no.

Yeah, but there's people that would do that.

Do they end with a woman boiling a foot?

I saw one where a guy was called a microwave massacre.

And this guy murdered his wife. In a microwave? No, he cuts off her pieces and microwaves the body and makes lunches and he takes them to work every day.

Real movie.

It's a real movie called Microwave Massacre, but probably based on a real guy. And he would take food that he made from people he murdered, and they would eat it at work. And when they finally caught him, everybody at work was throwing up.

I love Robert Schimel, man.

I'm going to consomme for him, too.

If you have bad deer meat, can you cover it up with a bunch of good deer meat where that bad meat disappears? No. What do you mean? She said, like, because I remember myself cooking. And I had, like, I spilled, like, a shitload of garlic on my oatmeal. And I was making oatmeal for 15 motherfuckers in rehab. So I just started putting more oatmeal, more oatmeal, and more milk.

To hide the garlic smell. But in the end, everybody was farting anyway, so they still got it. But that's what you're saying, that people do that with deer meat?

The people who are not unethical, they hide it.

Like AIDS. I read that somewhere. They make all that shit in labs. Well... Wasn't it like part of like... Chemical warfare, right?

Like putting disease blankets on natives, you know, and... Well, they've done a bunch of fucking studies.

Influenza blankets, that's what they had.

Smallpox.

You could just go anywhere. I used to see his face when I go to El Paso comic strip, and all the dudes you're talking about, they were all there.

And they come over to- They're probably having sex with each other.

Crazy, huh?

So unhealthy. I know, man. Like, I think about that pirate... I don't know, one of the pirates. Blackbeard? Blackbeard, man. He was full of gonorrhea. Oh, that. And he would drop mercury on his penis to cure his diseases on his penis. Oh, my God. Because that's all they had.

He probably was on a pirate ship somewhere, met a voodoo doctor and said, hey, man, mercury, put it in your dick.

Somebody needs to do a movie about that guy. Imagine, man. He had the money to put Mercury in his dick. The rest of the crew probably didn't. So they're out there fucking everything, man. Fucking shut up.

A lot of the clips that I watched are from other people sharing them.

Wow, that's amazing to think of something like that and it still works.

I've only seen it in a thermometer.

So how did they do it? Did a pool of it?

A hundred tons. How did Blackbeard find this shit? Well, that wasn't Blackbeard.

How did he find mercury back then? That's the urethral device. Shiver me timbers.

And that's a saying, right? Shiver me timbers?

Man, you're probably drawing it in the map. Don't go over there, man. If you're going to go to this island, take lots of mercury.

This is what I heard.

People like putting stuff on their butts.

That's crazy how when they start hating the character, but not the person.

I did a show at Lompoc State Penitentiary, and one of the guards told me that some guy made a vibrator out of seven handballs. You know, the void. Oh, my God. And he taped them all up. And then what happened? How do you guys know? Well, he didn't tie them up too good, and they were all stuck in there. I had to take them all out.

Yeah, because he didn't put enough wrapping, I guess. Oh, no.

Yeah.

Like five, whatever. How many balls make this? And you thought he was hiding a knife.

Yeah, right? Just like the guy, they used to have that puppet in New York. Oh, Otto and George. Yeah. Greg Giraldo, when I opened for him back in the day, back in Addison Improv, he told me that he would say the nastiest shit, that puppet, and this lady threw shit at the puppet, but not at Otto.

This is a movie?

Wow. Yeah. That's how the dude died. One of the first books, you know, there used to be a lot of sex books when we were kids, and they were all nasty books about sex. Yeah. The first one I ever read was about people having sex with animals.

But they were like, remember those penthouse stories or Playboy stories? Mm-hmm. But these were all with animals. And I remember the woman... Telling the whole story about having sex with a horse.

And, like, just riding that fool.

How many people helped him? One guy.

Did they put the horse to sleep afterwards?

Yes.

Was that his first time or was he trying with ponies first?

But it's real, right? It's not like an urban legend like when people say I went to TJ and saw a donkey show.

You gonna show it?

Yeah.

No, that's called bestiality when you have sex with an animal.

And what's the one when you have sex with dead bodies? That is necrophilia.

People have sex with animals, right? Like, since you want to talk about gangs in New York, how ugly it was. Right.

Seeky.

Like long down silver. Watch this.

That guy died. The guy has no ass.

Is the horse known for that, or did he just grab a random horse? Because he needs to know what he was doing, bro.

You're not going to show that, right? No, no, no. We've had enough. Peter will come after us.

That is. Mr. What the? My name is Mr. Ed.

That's crazy, man.

I twisted my ankle, man. Now I want a moose to fuck me in the ass.

been knocked out really bad. But that's crazy to get, like, get knocked out of the fuck out and you wake up and goes, is there a horse nearby? Because I'm really horny right now.

But that goes back to your old joke, man. The old joke to say, hey, you take a break today.

You know what I said when you had that joke about the Playboy Mansion, and you said that, what's his name, whatever, he would have, every once in a while, a gay will pop in. And then the punchline was, nah, man, you take a break.

Take a break. You take a break. Yeah, relax. You get a little crazy. Yeah, you fucking 10 shakes a day. You're not for a guy. You take a break.

Gary Busey was in a head injury, right? A bad one. I wonder what he's up to.

Wow, his buddy. Weird, man. Weird, man.

He said, nah, I want a Seabiscuit. You could be a food blogger. Nah, ponies.

Nah, I want to be Willie Shoemaker.

Black stallion.

Telephone why could we see his shoes through his mouth?

Was it a knife or a sharp bed spring?

Some people say also that the CIA did it. Jimi Hendrix.

They always say that.

Or a sharp bed spring, bro. Something, anything. Whatever you got that you polished down to a point. You ever watched the fabulous Ms. Measel? What's that? The Fabulous Mrs. Maisel is about a female comic growing up in the 50s on Amazon. No.

You qualify for aluminum sidings.

I think they think you get to a certain age, 50, and they think you're gullible to these tricks now.

They say to 22-year-olds, hey, man, you want to fix your home? Or do you have a home?

There was a guy in La Ale that was calling women at their jobs and telling them they had won something, and he convinced them to cut their heels off their shoes. And he would film it? No, he was just calling them out randomly. Hey, you just won, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All you got to do is cut your heels off your shoes right now.

And women were doing it, and he called a bunch of chicks, and they all just fucked up their shoes for nothing.

I wasn't, but it was somebody.

I don't think I ever have boots.

I never had cowboy boots. I've had Doc Martin, but not cowboy boots.

Five-inch heels. Steletos.

Mrs. Maisel. Oh, she's Mrs., all right.

I don't know, man. I put mercury on them.

Is the lipstick, well, I don't know, the lipsticks, well, the native lipsticks, it's made out of smashed little bugs.

Smashed little bugs, you put them on here.

It couldn't be better than a horse up your ass.

Yeah, there was a woman back in, I don't know, 1800, 1900. She was the first woman to make a woman's magazine on clothing and home gardening, how to cook. She was first lady to put recipes in a magazine. Oh, yeah? Kind of like for a homemaker.

And then... Yeah. There was a magazine back then. I don't know what the name of the magazine, but.

What do you think? What do you mean?

Do you remember the ventriloquist that did a one-minute set on her show? Yeah.

When I was a kid, my seventh grade teacher thought it was bad. Don't put on that makeup, young girl.

They do the green makeup.

Yeah, man. That's why a lot of comedians back then stopped blackfacing. Hey!

I wonder how money... Gotta wonder, right? How about the people that worked the news back then in the 450? They wore a shitload of makeup.

That was probably all chemicals. Cake makeup, man. It was big. What the fuck did they make that stuff out of?

You guys don't wear makeup when you do the UFC fights?

Oh, my God, I never knew that.

I won't do it. So when they're speaking to you, like when you get a fighter that's real bloody, like you can... What's... Because you're really up close to these guys. What do you see in their eyes after a fight like when they're... And they're also bleeding, man. Do you see like... You see like their intensity, man. You see things like other people don't see when you're interviewing them.

I'm sure you see something. You're there in a fight right in front of them.

Bro.

If you're going to go, go all the way or don't even try.

Charles Bukowski.

If you're going to go, go all the way or don't even try. It could mean losing girlfriends. It could mean losing wives, relatives. It could be time spent in jail. Lonely nights in the dark. Lonely nights by yourself.

But in the end, it's all worth it. I don't know the rest.

They did two movies? The one with Matt Dillon called Factotum, too.

That came out in 2000-something, and he plays him. There's Barfly and there's Factotum. Factotum, he plays him at that age. He's way too handsome.

He plays him good.

Yeah. Charles Bukowski is actually in Barfly. He's one of the drunks in the bar.

All women in the world aren't whores. Just mine.

Yeah, man. When I started reading, I wanted to read books about authors that were from Los Angeles, like in the 40s and 50s. And I said, I've got to find something that... that talks about Los Angeles, these streets that I live in. And there was Charles Bukowski. He writes about Los Angeles. And I found out that his inspiration was a guy named, oh, man, what's his name?

He writes just like Charles Bukowski. He wrote a book called Ask the Dust and The Adventures of Arturo Bandini. I'm lost here of his name, but John Fonte, yes, John Fonte. John Fonte wrote books in the style of Charles Bukowski, and Charles Bukowski, when he found out about him, He helped him publish all his books again.

So that's why I know that John Fonte exists, because John Bukowski, he republished all his books for him when he was dying of diabetes. So after this, bro, he talks about Los Angeles during 1932, bro, when Los Angeles had a metro rail and the 1932 earthquake in Los Angeles. Wow. So it's all about, this guy's from Los Angeles. He talks about Armenians and... working the docks in 1920s. Wow.

William Middleford, that lady? Wow.

That's a great catch. And they're alcoholics, bro. This guy's an alcoholic, and so is Charlie Bukowski. These are dudes that worked jobs and still were authors.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. These guys actually had jobs during the day. Charlie Bukowski, he worked at the post office. He never quit. Yeah. And Antonio Bandini, well, what's his name? The other guy, he started writing for Hollywood and he just disappeared.

Yeah.

Writing screenplays. He got into under contract.

Did you ever get hired to be a writer and then you said, this is not for me?

Yeah, why would you write your whole set list on a book?

That's crazy, huh? Insane.

Oh, my Netflix special is available right now. Raging Fool on Netflix. Go check it out. Directed by my wife, Lisa O'Daniel. And I want to give a shout out to my brother-in-law. who listens to you religiously with his daughters, Johnny O'Daniel. What's up, boo? Shout out to Johnny. In Dayton, Ohio. All right. Instagram, all that shit. What is it? My Instagram is Felipe Esparza.

My website is felipesworld.com. I'll be in, I don't know when this airs, I'll be in Grand Rapids, Iowa, and Indianapolis, Helium. When are those dates? I don't know.

Go to the website. April 5th, I'll be in San Diego with Paul Rodriguez. And April 25th, I'll be in San Diego with a bunch of comedians.

All right. Felipe, always good to see you, my brother.

All right.

What's another one?