Fortune Feimster

I think I had moments of it. I was a little shyer than people would have assumed. I had times where I was the class clown and making everyone laugh. And then other times I was a bit of a wallflower, just kind of watching people. But I kind of came into some of my personality in high school. And I started watching SNL and would memorize these sketches and perform them for people.

So I started to learn to make people laugh. By using other people's stuff. I would learn like Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving song or Hanukkah song and sing that to people. So I was learning by mimicking at first and just kind of watching and absorbing. And then I'd be really shy, then have like the spurt of funny. And then when I got to college, that started to come out more.

And even though I had terrible stage fright, so my... my performance on stage was not, um, successful. It was when I moved to LA, I had, I think like you said, that natural ability, but I didn't know how to bring it out of myself. So the one thing I did learn from classes and years of, I think it was at the growling seven years, um, is I learned how to hone it. And, uh,

And when I started stand-up in 2007, that was at the Comedy Store, I didn't know what I was doing there either. I knew I was comfortable on stage. It seemed like people liked me. And those are two hard things to overcome right off the bat. I was like, okay, I've done those right away. Let me work on what is my voice? What am I trying to say? How do you tell a story?

And that's the thing that gets better over years and evolves. Because this is my third hour that's coming out on Netflix. And I can even see my voice and my storytelling evolve in each one. Sure.

Well, if anyone watches Crushing It, this latest one, you'll see I talk a lot about my mom. So she gives me a wealth of material alone. And I talk a lot about my wife, Jax, too. But yeah, I kind of always am hoping that my mom will say something crazy. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

i'm like writing i'm like quickly writing it down because there's one story in my special i talk about my mom falling in a cemetery and and a lot of the stuff i i write i will i'll amp it up i'll like write punch lines and i do a little bit of that in that story but like 95 of the story is just what she said and i was like this doesn't seem real like you don't like

This doesn't seem like what a normal person would say. But that's what makes it so fun. So yeah, I take these moments in my life and people are familiar with my mom now and I just try to spit them back out in a way that's like, how can I? Because my stories are long too. I'm like, yeah. how can I keep someone's attention for eight whole minutes of a story?

And that's been my biggest thing to try to work on and hone was like my, every story is like, you know, six to 10 minutes. So it's like, I got to keep your attention on each one of these stories for a whole hour. Yeah. But it forces me to, you know, work hard at, you know, Coming up with the through lines and punch lines.

And I always try to have a narrative that's sort of a grander theme of the special. And I always try to bring it back around so that there's payoffs from the early things.

But it's my job to be like... I'm just coming up with this just now. Right.

Oh yeah, I'm writing new, every time you put out a special, you have to write a whole new hour, which is like the worst part of this. I'm like, can't I just sing Cheeseburger in Paradise? What? Musicians have it made. That's crazy.

they i still have people wanting me to tell the this the hooters story from my sweet and salty special so i'll do something like that at the end uh but yeah you gotta write a whole new hour because people want to be surprised every time otherwise they're like ah we've heard this um so yeah i was like i'm in new york right now i was at the cellar last night the hardest part is like i like to write everything out

um like a story on paper um i like to know where it's going and like add some structure to it and then i put it on a seat so for me the panic is i have to now memorize right uh eight minute story that i just wrote and it's easier once you've been on tour because you're doing it every every stinking day yeah it gets in your bones but in the beginning you're like wait what did i write what was that and so you're kind of in your head on stage

I like it when I get to the point where it's just flowing freely. But both these last, especially this last couple, two specials, the last three years I've been on two tours back-to-back, 100 cities with 150 shows each. So that material, I think, was honed as much as I could possibly hone it.

But it's part of the journey, you know? Yeah. It keeps me on my toes, because honestly, if people didn't force us to do this, I would want to just tell Hooters stories every night. Yeah. So it does, by nature, force me to be better at my job than I might have wanted to be. Right, right.

I mean, it's a blessing because selling tickets is so hard. Of course. You're in so many cities, and there's so many people out there. There's so much entertainment you're competing with. I think part of the boom is that people aren't going to the movies as much anymore, and studios aren't putting out comedies in theaters anymore. And people still want shared experiences.

We've been isolated a lot via social media. You think you're surrounded by people, but you're alone in your room scrolling. And I miss those days of being in a theater, laughing at a Bridesmaids movie. It's funnier when you experience it with people. So people are getting that by watching live comedy. Yeah. And it shows me that there's still a big demand for it.

And so I'm lucky that I'm an actor and I'm a stand-up. So where acting is dipping a bit, they're finding their way in this new world of media. The stand-up part's really thriving. And, you know, it's...

a dream you want to you work so hard on this material you want people to see it um so i've gotten to perform in like these amazing theaters the chicago theater the beacon theater last tour were like bucket list ones for me yeah the beacon

Yeah, it's crazy. That's like a 3,000 seat theater, I think.

That's a lot of people. It's a lot of people. And we almost added a second one. And I was like, could I possibly? I don't know. And I got too chicken to try. I'm like, let's quit while we're ahead.

So the goal of this tour, I think, would try to do two. It was incredible. My wife, I met her in Chicago. An early day, she took me to the Chicago Theater to see Carol Burnett in a Q&A. I just remember being in that theater, just being like, whoa, this is next level. And Carol was such an influence on my comedy. It just felt very much like, one day I'll be here where Carol sat. Yeah.

Yeah, so that was a really neat thing to experience. I love that for you. That's her city and I filmed my last special there and everyone in Chicago has been so crazy supportive of me because I think they feel kinship because Jax, that's her city. Um, and we have a lot of love and respect for Chicago. So yeah. And the, all the ushers are in like these like cloak, what do you call them?

It's very old school, but like cool. They make an event of it, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's funny. Acting was like such a... goal of mine for so long when I was on Chelsea Lately. I remember Chelsea would say, what do you want to do? I was like, I want to act. I want to be on a show. So I wasn't even on the path to be doing stand-up to the extent I am right now. I kind of just fell into that as far as when the acting, you know, I'm a specific type

I can't just fit into every role and every project, so I think I started doing a lot more stand-up to fill the time between acting. But for me, acting was like, oh, that's my goal, and that's what I want to do. And I've been lucky to, after I left Chelsea Lately, I went and did a couple pilots with Tina Fey. Those didn't get picked up, but all these no's lead to yeses. Yeah, that's true.

And doing that project with Tina Fey led to working with some 30 Rock people, which led to Mindy Kaling's best friend, Lane Fisher, who they write together. She was on 30 Rock and she recommended me for the Mindy Project. And the Mindy Project is what opened the doors for my whole acting career. Yeah.

So I got to do cool recurring characters in this show called Life in Pieces, and I did this movie Office Christmas Party. I'm basically hired to come into a film or TV show and act like a crazy person and then leave.

Yeah, so overconfident.

Oh, thank you. And yeah, now I'm, you know, I did some sitcoms for a while. That was kind of my world. And those are obviously getting made less and less. And now I'm in this crazy action comedy world. I'm doing FUBAR with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I know, that's insane.

It's really wild. You know, it's one of those shows you don't have to think too much. We're going to entertain you for an hour and try to make you laugh and have some cool explosions.

And I think season two, which will come out in the spring...

is is we amp up the comedy even more i think it's a better season because we we didn't really know what we were shooting first season yeah and um now we have you know we just have fun with it and and there's a lot of talented people on that show and arnold's just fun to watch you know he yeah he knows what he does and he does it well and he gives you what you want to see with him So good.

He's just a very kind, generous guy. Funny. He loves comedians, so he loves to tease people and crack jokes. There's no diva about him. He carries himself in a way that's... He knows his stature in life. He's been famous for like 50 years. He's world famous, which is a different kind of fame. But we went road bikes in Toronto. People are like, Arnold, every corner, Arnold, Arnold.

And he's just like, hello. He's been doing this for so long. He just lives his life, yeah.

But he's still so active. He kind of lives his life like he's a governor still. He volunteers at organizations more than anyone I've ever met. He hands out food to veterans, and he has an after-school program for kids that's raised something like a billion dollars. People are still calling him to help fix problems. I've passed his iPad, and there's very important people.

And I'm like, oh my God. And he's just smoking a cigar, chatting with this very powerful person.

Yeah, it was my great-grandmother's maiden name.

Yeah, no, there's something to that.

Well, I kind of had to finagle it a bit because my grandmother, who I was super, super close to, she lived right around the corner, was a big part of my childhood. My parents were so crazy busy and had three kids. She really stepped in and

uh and was like another mother and she when i was born uh she really really wanted my mom to name me fortune she's like that's the name i'm telling you like that her name's supposed to be fortune and my mom really resisted it and she said i would have to be miss america to live up to a name like that So I'm like, how dare you think I couldn't? And my mom loved the name Emily.

And to her, that was like the quintessential little girl name. And part of my mom and our journey is that she, for so long in my life, wanted me to be that pretty little lady. Had dresses all over the place and just...

makeup I was always being given makeup and for her like Emily was like that's my daughter and I was never Emily you know fortune was my middle name and so I kind of grew up being who my mom had hoped I would be and my grandmother died when I was 18 and when I got to LA a couple years later I

I had known that she'd always wanted me to be named Fortune, and I just felt like my grandmother knew me before I knew myself, and she really instilled a lot of confidence and self-worth into me. So I decided when I started taking growlings that I would go by my middle name as a nod to her. I love that. In honor of her, anytime someone calls me Fortune, it will be like,

My little ear pull that Carol Burnett did, that's my version of it. Thinking like you could be, you know, I'll be Emily in life and Fortune on stage. And quickly I knew, I was like, oh, I was always meant to be called Fortune. I don't resonate at all with the name Emily. It never fit. It was never who I was.

And so I kind of had to, I did have to kind of step into the shoes of fortune, but now it just fits so well. And it just felt like that was a gift my grandmother gave me.

Oh, yeah. And I do believe that.

I do feel like I'm on some kind of, you know, what do you call it? Hooky pooky? Yeah, hooky pooky. I do kind of feel that in a weird way. It's weird to like say it out loud, but it does feel like I'm on this path and I don't know where it's going or why it's going certain places. I just kind of... I'm big on trusting my gut.

I've had many forks in the road where I go, I have to make a really hard decision here. And one decision will lead me down this road. way other path and this one will go here. And I just, I have to trust that kind of inner thing. And I feel like it keeps leading me to where I'm supposed to be going. And I just do the hard work and show up and do my part of it and see where it goes.

Well, that's exactly right.

Yeah.

I think that's the coolest part of my job, especially being a stand-up, because my actor friends, they don't get to meet the people watching as much. They'll occasionally meet the people out and about, like in L.A. or wherever. I'm in, like I said, 100 cities every year and a half.

Uh, I'm meeting a bunch of people, you know, from the airport, the airplanes, the hotel, to the Uber, to the, I mean, I am meeting people. Yeah. Um, and it is, uh, and I kind of stick out like a sore thumb and I have for a while. Yeah. I'm tall. I'm a larger woman. I have this crazy ass hair and this accent. And so I do a lot of high fives during the day.

And I've just been in a lot of... I've basically been on TV since 2010. Every year. So there's a lot of different things people know me from. But the byproduct of that, which I never knew could be a thing is...

having people come up to me and and telling me these really amazing things that the that a story or a special helped in some way like provide levity and you know really intimate you're with people in very intimate vulnerable times sometimes that you don't even realize like yeah sweet and salty came out during like a month before the pandemic and

you know i'm getting emails from people talking about being in the hospital or being with loved ones dying or i also got a lot of people writing me talking about my coming because that that special is a lot about coming out and i had parents who were you know kids were now with their parents again when i say kids i mean like yeah like adult kids like four and over yeah

they're hanging out with their parents more during that time. And some of the emails would say, like, I would get from parents saying, my kid, put on your special to see how I would react. And if I liked it, they got the courage. We kind of knew that they were gay, but they never said, and they got the courage to tell us. And I'm like, holy cow. That's, I mean, it blew my mind that it could be.

Because it is so hard to have that conversation. I can't believe that special was part of people helping ease that journey a bit. And I had people say, yeah, I didn't know how to tell my family or friends or whatever. And that helped me. And so, yeah, I never knew it could have that kind of effect. Because I just set out to like, I'm going to tell my truth. I'm going to tell my stories.

This is who I am. I'm going to try to make you laugh. And to think you can also help in these little subtle ways just really means so much to me. And I take that responsibility seriously. It means a lot to me.

purpose and i i think for you that must that i don't know i can only imagine i had one yeah you have 33 000 i mean it must feel good it does and it's just you know it makes me that's why i think i've really leaned into even more like putting out positive stuff i know that's like it feels so pollyanna but um It is my natural personality.

I'm not putting on a thing where I'm like, you know, be positive and then I'm just like the world's worst. I genuinely wake up with a feeling of the glasses half full, which I know is like such a luxury. I know people that... can't want to feel that and can't be at chemically or whatever's going on in your body.

And I'm so grateful that for the most part, and not that I don't have days, um, I'm seeing things through that lens. So when I put out comedy and material, even clips online, um, I try to do it with the bend of being on the positive side, um, because there's just a lot of negativity there.

Really, it's just kind of counteracting what all we're consuming that's so doom and gloom and fear-based and negative. I'm like, who needs any more of that? Let me go in this other lane.

what you've said in the past and what and it's getting worse worse and worse she wants to be in it less and less not worse as far as like it's bad she just does not want to be famous right and so i'm the same way yeah yeah some people i mean people in la can't fathom it they're like what yeah i'm like yeah not everyone's a lunatic

When I was born, she really, really wanted my mom to name me Fortune. She's like, that's the name. I'm telling you, like, that her name's supposed to be Fortune. And my mom really resisted it. And she said I would have to be Miss America to live up to a name like that. So I'm like, how dare you think I couldn't?

And that's fine, you know? With Jax, I say the same thing. I'm like, yeah, I chose this career. I love it. It brings me so much joy. Like, I work... All the time, I am definitely a workaholic, but I love it.

But if she doesn't want... I've had to be more conscious of, like, I don't post as much about our personal lives or, like, her... She'll be in things here and there, but I try to be considerate of not throwing her into the limelight too much.

Yeah, she travels a lot. I mean, for God, for the first eight years of our being together, she was, I think, at like 90% of shows. Wow, that's great. And then that last that first 100 city tour, I wore her out. And so by the time we got to the second 100 city tour, she was like, You know, you have a tour manager now. Jack's like selling merch in the beginning. She's very shy.

So I forced her to be out of this cover zone in so many situations just because I needed help. I was a one man team. Yeah, she wanted to support me and she did. And she's a producer on both or all fours.

three yeah the last three specials and um is very active on my team and you know she helped come up with the design of the stage for this last special she's just very smart and so she's very active and involved but i'm fine with her not wanting to be in the limelight if i if there if i was with someone like That couldn't stop filming themselves? That would be crazy.

It would end up being bad news. Oh, anytime I start posting a lot, Jax will kind of, she likes to joke with me. She's like, do you get enough attention?

Three hour specials, two half hours, a lot of content out there. Thank you. Let me ask you. Keep it going. Thank you.

I'm in the Netflix family just from, I'm on a radio show with Tom Papa for them that we've done for the last five years.

Yeah, he's awesome. And so right now they've been through Netflix. Yeah.

I know. Who knows? So yeah, so far it's nice to be part of that family and it's such a, you know, that worldwide platform is so cool. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So yeah, December 3rd, crushing it.

Oh, yeah.

You've been or you already went? We went.

There's nothing better than crushed ice. So when you watch my special, you will see the significance that crushed ice comes into my journey. Okay.

crushed ice all right so december 3rd this upcoming tuesday fortune's brand new special is out foobar will have another season watch the first season another season coming out uh release day tbd oh and i announced a whole new uh i'm announcing a whole new big tour that's starting april 1st so another hundred city i also have a podcast called handsome

It's a lot. You should see my calendar. It will make you throw up. Well, I'm just glad you showed up here. This is so cool to talk with you guys.

Yeah, that show was incredible, so I'll definitely be back. We'll be there. I can't wait. We'll be there. We'll eat some biscuits. There you go. And crushed ice. That's right.

Hi, you guys. Thanks for having me. It's lovely to be here. Yeah, our pleasure.

yeah i'm gonna i it's hard to try to you know with two families to to get to you can't do the uh the holiday with both of them so i try to go close uh to the holiday and see my family yes but then i go to jack's is my wife's family because they're better cooked yeah No shade to my mom. She provides me a lot of fun, quirky material, but cooking is not her thing.

God forbid they taste the actual pork. My brother used to smell the food to see if it was expired. And it drove my mom crazy, but he knew what was up.

Yeah. He's like, something's not sitting right about this barbecue chicken. Yeah.

Our first, like, six, I think, we tried to do the, like, we'll go to your family's and then my family's, because that's what my brothers had set up. And then we realized that we don't have kids and what are we doing? We don't have to be there. That's right. And the pandemic kind of did that, you know, where...

We stayed home for the holidays and we were like, oh, this is actually kind of nice because we travel all the time for my tour. So, yeah, unfortunately, one of the things that went by the wayside was going to my family's. But when you don't have kids, I feel like it's different, you know?

You don't threaten me with a good time. You mean I don't have to spend my family holiday at home watching people rip through presents in five seconds? Right. Yeah.

Is that right? I did some theater in college. No comedy. But it was in the South, in North Carolina. So it was like us trying to do Shakespeare with these crazy-ass Southern accents. And it just... Yeah, I hadn't really been exposed to the comedy part yet, other than growing up watching Saturday Night Live and the reruns of the Carol Burnett show.

So I knew comedy, I loved it, but I did not know you could do that for a living. So I moved to L.A., 21 years ago, which seems wild now. And not to pursue comedy, just I had a job that I was going to do, and it was just kind of a life experience. And I had a really hard time making friends because, you know, in the South, you... Go to a gas station and chat with people.

It's not like that in LA. Everyone kind of keeps to themselves. You don't really talk to your neighbors. It's a little more isolating. And so I started taking classes at the Groundlings where like Will Ferrell and- Of course. All these people had studied at Kristen Wiig. And the dream was to be on SNL. But again, it was like- I think that's the only way to do comedy is if you get on SNL.

So that was my path for a long time. Once I took these classes just to really just to make friends, it quickly grew into a passion. And I kept getting encouraged to continue. And yeah, it was like discovering something. That was, I think, the greatest gift because then my life had a path now. Yes.

It starts with debating whether you insert yourself into set crime.

Have they caught the vandals?

Well, it's tough because, like, when these players are playing.

Okay.

We got to go Bengals. Yeah.

Yeah. And his employee, maybe possible girlfriend is also a crime fighter slash hero.

Really? Well, OC, there were some. Who?

I was, but I don't want to create a scene.

She calls you guys out.

Yeah, I don't know if any Pittsburgh fans read that comment from Carly and thought, I'm sorry, we went too far.

What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of The Vow Files. I'm your host, Nick, joined by the house of boy. We got a jam-packed episode for you. The one and only Michael Rapaport, Fortune Feimster, both join us later this episode. Plus, well, we went to Kathy Hilton's holiday party. Last night, it was wild.

No, I did not clock any snow this year.

Oh, the vibes in Philly are not good. The vibes in Philly are not good. The vibes in Philly last year were not good to close out the season, are they?

I'll go Philly.

Where is it? Is it in Pittsburgh or is it in Philly?

Okay. All right. Advantage Eagles.

Okay. Well. That's stats versus vibes. That does it for stats versus vibes. Vibes versus stats. Whatever order you want. Thank you, Wonderful Pistachios, for sponsoring this segment of the Vibes Files. Visit WonderfulPistachios.com to learn more.

Is that all that happened? That's all that happened. That's what I'm saying.

I think sometimes you often like things.

Like, I've seen this when it says accused, you know, You're just verifying.

If we're talking about anyone over 60, I guess anything is possible when it comes to social media engagement. Like how they engage with the internet.

It is a weird day, given the day after following a horrific accusation towards her son-in-law for her to be liking any picture with him and Diddy in the same shot. Even just to be casually on the Internet is if like because that explanation is it's like, you know, it was just another day of her drinking coffee and scrolling in IG, you know.

No, but, like, that is the point. Even though, like, I don't think we really buy Ms. Knowles' engagement. But, like, I do think people often, like, liked things that didn't necessarily mean they supported those things at times. Because you could accidentally double tap. Or, like, yeah.

Does she have a choice? That's a wife thing to say, for sure.

They were cheering on Blue Ivy. Jay-Z looked a little scared on the red carpet.

I mean, regardless of what's true, I guess...

I think JR would breathe a lot better.

He seems like he has a deviated septum. As someone who used to have a deviated septum. JR. Who's JR?

From the ultimatum. From the ultimatum.

I was going to say.

Yeah. Well, we were by the area edge of the pool and Natalie said, oh, there's Alexis Bellino. And then we immediately, let's get away from the edge of the pool in case Alexis clocks us. And pushes you in. And pushes us in. Yeah.

I guess, do I ever do this?

Incredible. Very poised, very calm. She really gave him all the benefits of the doubt.

I'll defend him on that one. I'm just over this whole, when did JR become this God's gift?

But I do think... There's that theme of... Imagine someone being like, you're obsessed with whoever. There's no way not to act...

Maybe she's going on TikTok. I think Scotty's obsessed with being right.

That part is crazy to me for all these people where it's just like, I'm all for the role play. I'm all for the experiment, seeing what it's like to have a quote unquote, like fake temporary. But the disrespect of these actual relationships is if you have any authority. Yes. or right over the, these relationships, I just find to be like, take away from the experiment.

It's, it's just like, it's disrespectful to like any of these relationships, you know, the reality of the relationship of the real relationships.

I would have sued them. And then sue us for that.

It was definitely giving blame in the edit. Yeah.

But the emotional maturity or seemingly emotional maturity of Arya juxtaposed to what seems to be a lack of emotional maturity from Scotty is jarring. I keep forgetting that they are an original couple and I don't see how...

For being, for what? For being cold and wet.

Yeah.

Yeah, the recovery.

The switch up. Yeah, the change up.

seems just decent decent and more emotionally available than scotty she's very quick to articulate just how much better yes she thinks she's a fit with caleb over scotty yes which i will be interested to see how scotty embraces that feedback

I think so.

That's wild. It seems like he's just blowing up Sandy and not respecting quote unquote the trial period.

And it's like she kissed him twice. just to say goodnight. She's about to tell Nick that she only kissed him twice.

That was just what we saw before they turned the lights off. But it was like, pack, and then he packed, and then she went back for more.

She's backing it up in bed. She's doing the wiggle.

She's backing up and giving that little shimmy, you know, just to get that extra inch.

That's not cool.

Yeah, in that context, I don't know what he means.

You're giving something, some kind of energy.

Yeah, but in the context of JR and Sandy, what is Sandy doing differently with JR that she's not doing with Nick that equals holding space?

That's another one.

I wish we had Scotty on this episode to read him that line and be like, was this a joke?

Because she ran out of the hotel room, basically.

I think they're in Los Angeles. I don't know. Well, if you haven't watched the next batch of episodes, be sure to do. We'll be breaking the rest of this batch down on Tuesday of Reality Recap. Up next, the incredibly infamous, famous, funny, talented Michael Rapaport.

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Again, Caraway, non-toxic cookware made modern. Michael, welcome to The Vow Files. Glad to be here. I'm very excited to have you, man. I've always been a big fan of you. One of my favorite movies of all time is True Romance.

So it's very cool for me to have you here.

Where are we on this coffee? Two minutes. Two minutes.

I'm just giving forest. We're talking about a Christmas party. Save the vibe. Get in there.

I'm a fan. What brings you to town?

I too frequent Jones. I don't think I've ever seen you there. I'm there. Which one do you go to? The Jones on 3rd.

Not Ventura.

Well, we obviously want to talk all things Bravo with you, but before we do, we haven't- Has any one of your podcasts ever started with food and coffee?

We've definitely gone food and coffee.

If you're able to articulate the way you are food and coffee, we keep it in. We haven't really had a chance to talk about Luigi, which is kind of like taking the nation by storm. You seem to have strong opinions on just about anything. And I thought we would wait for you before we tackle this national storyline.

Everything is okay. Yeah. If you would have just told me.

Fuck, shit, balls.

We'll keep it all in.

Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. But the episode... Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

That looks very delicious. Let's get a taste test.

Woo.

I don't like him. I'll just kill you.

Yeah.

Yeah. And then when the means start justifying the ends, I don't know.

Man help? What is man help?

Yeah, that's what's sad. That's clearly, I mean, when you find out that his family filed the missing persons report in November, can you imagine what it would be like to like, first of all, scary to have anyone. Terrible. Disappear. You don't know where they are. And the next time you hear from them. Terrible. is when you find out they're the assassin. Like, you watch the assassin.

You're just like everyone else being, this is crazy. I can't believe this happened. And then you find out it's your brother, sister, son, family member. I feel horrified for his family.

They mean it.

Yeah, no, I'm absolutely the worst and everyone else is the best.

And the fact that it hasn't been problematic at all.

Yeah. Everyone's nice.

So New Yorkers.

We're jumping the shark season two.

Well, we went to Kathy Hilton's Christmas party last night and we had the opportunity to hang out. Yeah, it was lovely. And most of the cast of Salt Lake City was there. And I got to say, those ladies are real housewives because when we hang out with them, they did a scene.

Like, an unfilmed scene. Like, it was real. Like, you talk to these ladies.

They're not checking out. There's no, like, oh, we're filming a TV show. Like, I felt like last night we were hanging out in a part of an episode of Salt Lake City Housewives, and it was fantastic.

Can you show them the picture? Show them the picture.

She was there too. She was singing while we took this photo. She was singing away in a manger. Yeah.

I am nothing if not for use.

And you know, she means it, you know, where she's not saying it even to be mean or even to be nice. She's just saying it because that is exactly that's exactly how she thinks and feels in that moment. And even if it's like if it hurts you, you just feel grateful to have heard her truth.

Was her husband there? No. And I want to meet Todd. I ride hard for Todd. I think Todd's misunderstood.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, he's a curmudgeonly old rich guy, but like, you know, like I don't expect him to like that his house, his wife got bored and decided to be a part of this franchise.

I desire to be useful. Oh. I don't know what man help is, but it doesn't apply to me. Yes, I got caught in a situation where I didn't know where the light was. Mary did jumped up, but I've never just watched people do things I could do on my own.

I don't know. I think she was just like, I'm going to do this thing. And he was like, you know, if it makes you happy, baby. And then she did it. And now we're getting to see at least Todd's keeping it real.

I went to a bookstore and the guy who sold me a book told me it was a really prestigious, cool book.

Yeah.

No, I've had it for a couple years.

I'm not. I'm not going to pretend to be cultured enough to have bought that on my own, but I listened to someone who clearly knew what they were talking about, and I was like, can you show me some really cool books that I would want to... Specifically photography books?

Dope. Are you a photographer?

Season 12, all by itself.

Honestly, now you just made me feel bad because that's probably it.

I wouldn't say I love him. I don't think he's the monster a lot of people like to act like he is. He has his own moral compass. It's very different than I think most people's moral compass, unlike, say, a Jax Taylor who has no moral compass.

Tom is working with what he's got. And when I was on Special Forces with him, all I could think about overall... When you were on the show with him? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Motherfucker, I finished.

Good for you. Thank you. Was it fucked up? It was fucked up. They literally torture you for a week. Not metaphorically speaking torture.

Okay, I wanna say this to you, because I've- That's for you, man. I've said this on Vile Files Plus, but I wanna say this to you. Respect. When I was filming with Tom on Special Forces, and it was fresh off of Scandival.

And I got to know him there. Like I said, Tom is working with what he's got, so to speak.

Not much in terms of like, you know, troubleshooting and processing and figuring things out type of stuff.

Yeah. And and and I met Ariana Adele, who she's very smart. And all I could think about for a week while I was with Tom is she dated him for 10 years.

And it's just There's a disconnect between like You know It's not like she did it for two weeks or two months Or like a year And she's like he changed after the first That was a whole decade Yes And they were filming a show Entwined in this thing That sort of took on a life of its own If you're suggesting maybe it was a showman So not a real romance No no no I'm just saying at that age I could see how life could sort of

I think when you think about how intelligent Ariana is, and then where Tom maybe struggles, it's,

it's his heart and then knowing that they did it for 10 years there's a disconnect in that something to me like one plus one isn't equal to two takes two to tango i struggled to like be in the same vicinity as him really yeah because of scandal no not at all for an hour and a half when we interviewed him

But the thing about Tom, though, is he's very transparent about who he is. You know what you get. You know what I'm saying? He doesn't surprise you. Turn on episode one, season one of Vanderpump.

And then meet Tom today. It's the same fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyone who's just like, I can't believe you did this. He hasn't changed. I just don't think Tom can be that dangerous because he is who he is. He lets you know who he is. There are no surprises with Tom. If you're surprised, I feel like that's... I got you. You know what I'm saying?

Saturday morning, I need to decompress from my long week of work. And Natalie wakes up and then she has a list of, oh, my God, here's the things I want you to do today.

I liked behind the scenes because, like, as someone who's been very much involved in the making of reality TV.

I was a bachelor. Right. Yeah, for a while.

Yeah. And so, like, as a bachelor, you're producing, you know, along with the producers, so to speak.

That would have been dope. Yeah, well.

So, and I think even though there's the behind the scenes, there's the behind the scenes of the behind the scenes in the sense that for me, like when I get to meet these ladies and I meet a Browen, right? And then I meet like an Alexis Bellino. It's just like, I can tell who's like, this is who they are. This is, and then like, who's putting on the show. You know what I'm saying?

So for me, there's kind of the analysis of the behind the scenes, then behind the scenes of who's kind of the nuance of that at all.

Yeah.

I have not cleaned the gutters. We hire for that.

And we were in the middle of a scene with Vicky Gundleson. Grundleson?

Don't disrespect the queen. I'm not saying that with disrespect. I don't mean to. I apologize, Vicky. That's the OG of the OC.

Michael, I apologize. Apologize to Vicky again. Vicky, I'm sorry.

From lunch on the beaches of Mexico.

But God bless her. She was awesome. She was funny. And then when we said goodbye to Vicky, she didn't know how to hang up. And so we had a bit of a hot mic moment. Yeah.

shit and she started talking some shit about like I don't know who the fuck Nick is and shit like that it was great I love it and then she what was so awesome about Vicky is that we we wanted to keep it in but we like to keep it real we like to you know we don't like to go behind people's back so we reached out to her and said hey we got this do we have your permission to keep it in?

And she graciously said, let's fucking go. Awesome, man.

She leaned in.

I love it. No, it was awesome.

Dirty, dirty gutters.

Oh my God. If that was an audition...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it seemed like there was a party that almost would like, you have a defense for Alexis.

But I gotta say, really hanging out with the... We got some tea. Lots of tea. So much tea.

John Jay and Alexis were at that party too.

I walked right past him and I wanted to say something to him but we've talked some shit so I just didn't want to create a scene.

If I would have known you would have wanted to go, I would have been like, please come with us.

We had a plus one. We had an unused.

I don't know if we really should spill the tea.

I think she's saying, all I want for Christmas is you.

She's doing it for fun. And that's what makes it so great. Like, I don't, she doesn't need the money.

I want to know what Kathy was like in high school.

Talking to some people in the cast, they feel good about how they showed up.

The motherfucker.

Where do you land on Dorit and P.K. ?

I think he's soft, and let me tell you why.

He's excellent television.

Hell no. Hell no. I think Jax is objectively kind of like dangerous to society.

No. No. I think there's levels. Jesus Christ, man. I think Jax has ruined people's lives. Whose? Whose life did he ruin? Remember when he gaslit Stassi and his entire friend group and when he had sex with the stripper and then he made Stassi in that moment feel like all her friends were alienating her and everyone was turned against her and everyone knew.

And I am rooting for them. I hope what was said was what happens.

Yeah, just like managing Boy George.

Well, you know, you didn't watch last night's Beverly Hills yet, but there is a scene, you know, and Kyle is talking about divorce and she's talking about like getting older. And she's talking about like, you know, something now that I'm a dad, you think about like, you assume you won't die alone. You assume that like your years as you get older.

I said to a handful of the ladies, I will say, it wasn't Lisa. We didn't see Lisa. Lisa was busy singing.

And like, I think a lot of people do die alone, not around the people they spent. And it was a really vulnerable moment hearing Kyle talk about that. Like, you know, now that her and Mo are getting divorced, her kids are moving on like that, a legitimate fear people have. And like, to your point, like PK better be careful what he wishes for, like protect that family. I agree, man.

Yes.

We didn't get a chance to say hi.

But I also told one of her castmates that my Salt Lake City wish, and I don't care if it's this season or five seasons from now, because... I'll wait. I'll be patient. All I want is for Lisa on bended knee crying and begging someone for forgiveness on the show.

I love Britney. I don't think we could necessarily be like the best of friends, but I truly love her on the show. And I think to replace Monica Garcia was a big fucking task. And I think Rowan and Britney together have really stepped up and delivered in big ways.

She brought the pain. And when we talked to a lot of the ladies last night, I will say a little BTS is like, there's not a lot of love. For Brittany. To which I said to all these ladies, do not get her kicked off this show. You need her. You want her. She's cover. She's protection.

She's at the table. In case if there's a slow scene, she'll stand up, smack the table and say, what about me? Right. And like, just get over whatever petty things you guys have in your real Salt Lake City world. But like, you want this woman on your television.

I think they did. Good for you, man. Some of them, no. Some of them, no. Whitney gets it. Whitney fucking gets it. The other ones, I had to have a talking to with Bronwyn. I had a talking to with Angie. Talking to?

I was like, Bronwyn, do not get her kicked off the show. You want her on the show.

Do you think Todd's just kind of like, you better have sex with me when we get home? I think it's something like that.

Or two. That is my Bravo Salt Lake City Christmas miracle wish.

Me neither. Behind closed doors, at least to us, Rowan speaks very lovingly of her husband.

You meet a lot of married couples in life where their housewives are real people, and there's a lot of couples out there who have no problem talking shit about their partner.

She fucks with Todd. Yeah, because I think, honestly, at this point... We got some quotes here.

Bravo... If she didn't fuck with Todd, then Bravo Nation has basically given her the green light to leave him, and she doesn't have a prenup, so she's good.

She has no incentive to make it work, you know? We'll see.

Fuck him. I've never heard of him until... What is he, the fourth Osmond Cousin? He's a glorified fuckboy who never grew up.

Fast forward.

Yeah, you're right. That is disrespectful to Tom.

I'm sorry, Tom.

There was a lot of people coming up and the Vicky, I'll tell you what, that Vicky episode wildly talked about in Bravo Nation.

It's definitely a real place. I've had their sandwiches. They've been catered here.

Yeah. Penny did them dirty. Penny's husband is a lawyer. And I feel like if you understand like the tea leaves.

Penny knew what to do. She was smart enough to get the copyright or the trademark. And then she basically, I think, is leveraging that. her husband being proactive to get the trademark against Ariana and Katie and fucking them over. Down with fucking Chef Penny.

No, something about her.

Do you think Tom will follow through with this, not with being his own lawyer? Or do you think this is a PR stunt? And then someone like, cause he's not, he's can't do that. Someone will sit him down and say, you can't do that.

That would be... That would change the entire narrative.

It really made some waves. I was really just caught off guard. I will say, And I think we need to acknowledge for Vicky that if that appearance on The Vow Files was any kind of addition, I think she nailed it.

I will do a whole episode saying I'm sorry.

Yes, the commercials he could do.

Have you been wrongfully injured?

I'm pretty sure she did.

It's hard to say, but I think there's a world where they haven't necessarily been fiscally responsible over the years.

Katie had a good name.

Better name.

You know.

There wasn't the playbook, the influencer playbook. Now there's a playbook too.

Maybe not.

Yeah, right? They got to get rid of Alexis.

Before Lisa Barlow took over?

It's a, I've been a fan for a long time. Thank you, Nick.

No. How do you feel about Lisa? I mean, respect.

It's just more like on Vanderbilt. I guess it's more thinking reboot. It's tough. I don't want to see Lisa Fick firing people again. I don't want the whole lectures of like, I'm going to sit you down and pretend to give a shit about your mental health or your well-being.

It's just like...

She'll kick and scream and she'll talk about not being an executive producer. But I think if they ask, Vicky's a coming or running.

I think he's loyal.

I guess when you put it like that. Listen, I think it takes a lot. I think it takes a special man and a strong-willed man and a confident man to play, you know, sidekick to a powerful, successful woman that Lisa is and not be unbothered or try to, like, You know what I'm saying? You see a lot of couples where they fight and they compete for success.

And Ken has kind of comfortably known his place the whole time. And maybe behind closed door, the dynamic shifts and it's changed. But publicly, Ken has no problem living in Lisa's shadows. And I respect that.

You don't think I could wear it?

I've worn plenty of purple and plenty of pink. My school, high school colors were purple. Warm, loud, and proud.

They pay you while they're on the show, but when you quit five minutes in or you let them torture you for eight days... You don't get a special prize for jumping off of shit. You get respect. Self-respect.

I was like, my wife and my future, I just found out that Natalie was pregnant when I went on that show. And the whole time, I was like, someday my kid's going to watch this and don't be a pussy.

Natalie saw the preview of season one. She goes, you need to go on the show. And immediately I thought to myself, my wife wants me to turn her on by going on the show. Why don't you go on, Natalie?

You know who went on next season, though? Denise fucking Richards. And I respect that. She's going on? She went on. She's on season three.

Not yet. It starts in January. But season one, you do get to see Denise Richards, Bond girl. No stunt double on a speeding fucking boat. Jump from the speeding fucking boat onto a speeding fucking helicopter. I ain't doing that. Denise Richards did.

Michael, this has been so much fun, man.

Whenever you're in town, we would love to have you.

Well, thank you.

We can talk sports, too. I can go all day. I argued with Keyshawn Johnson yesterday for an hour.

On his podcast.

Yeah.

That's her hit.

And then we got to witness like a real scene.

Oh, one more story. So we saw James and Allie there. James crushing his DJ career. At Kathy Hilton's. Kathy Hilton's. Said hi. Love James. Love Allie.

I fuck with Allie. Took a picture. I hope James is okay with me saying this. James brought a friend. We met his friend. His friend seemed lovely.

uh we nally and i were talking to some uh people uh like 15 minutes later i'm the only one who saw this nally didn't even see this now he was immersed in a conversation with the other person we were talking to and then james walks by and then james turns around and he says to his friend i forgot his friend's name let's just say his friend's name is sam and he goes sam hold this now and i was like and his friend just grabbed the drink and james kept walking and i was like that is

It could have been an unfilmed scene for sure. It was awesome. Starring who?

That was insane.

I was like, 10 minutes earlier, I met this guy who he introduced as his best friend. And then 10 minutes later, he was barking orders.

Hold this now. Yeah, he's got to go do something. Yeah, he was... That's awesome. It was awesome. Yeah.

I really felt like I saw something precious.

Yeah. And I was the only one who saw it. And everyone else was just like in their own lane.

Whitney.

It's good to see you, Mike.

Starring Whitney.

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To be clear, they were all united.

Didn't she sing more than one?

Good for us.

I wonder if it was Bronwyn.

As housewives do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about how she felt disrespected. Yeah.

Every single episode.

If you click on it, they get paid or something?

You're crushing life.

But do you love what you do? I love what I do.

No, a close source of the fact has said. But it's like mainstream news.

And I'm actually going to take like a month off and, uh, that doesn't actually involve no work, but when you're on tour, are you, Oh, is it always like, is, well, other than like making money and touring, but are you, are you always working on like a special? Yeah. Like practicing material and trying to build up like an hour's worth or hours plus worth of material. Yeah.

Do you get a lot of those?

I think so. Yeah. Because, you know, you want to be able to sing along to the song. Exactly, yeah.

How do you think your comedy has changed over the years?

Yeah, obviously. The machine. The machine. What is machine doing? Do you think she calls a machine? No.

And we call it taking care of biscuits because- That's the new tour. That's the new tour. Yeah. Can we talk about our love for biscuits?

I love biscuits.

I love biscuits with breakfast, really. I'm not more of a dinner biscuit guy.

But if you give me a breakfast biscuit- They're tasty.

So cookies are like a chocolate chip cookie?

Why do we have scones?

Do you think she calls him Coulson?

My introduction to scones is just watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. That's all I really know about scones.

I never really heard of them until I watched Curb Your Enthusiasm.

You guys are there every Thanksgiving?

What about Christmas? What do you guys do for Christmas?

You two are just staying home.

Okay. It's only four and a half, just a little guy?

It's a two-minute job to you.

Well, maybe I'm not fluffing appropriately. I don't think you're fluffing enough. This year, Nally did decorate the tree after I fluffed. I fluffed.

For two years, though, we just put up the tree. It came with lights like this. And they were like, yeah, that's fine.

Well, I fluffed, but no ornaments. It just came with the lights. We put it up. It's festive enough.

These are fluffed. But I'm saying our Christmas tree at home. We actually decorated it, but we did fluff.

My brother-in-law made me bookends with World War II grenades attached to them.

I hope not.

I do like a bit of history. Okay. Yeah. And obviously that's a gift from my heart. He whittled wood for me.

So then I had to buy him a grill.

Grill sounds great. This was right before Thanksgiving. And then Natalie, we go there and she's like, Jackson, you're going to die when you see Nick's gift.

I had to get him a gift.

and i she's just throwing you under the bus oh my god yeah and then i was like i'll just get the guy like a home depot gift card yeah yeah you know get what you want get what you want get more wood and i'll throw a little yeah and you know i'll put some money behind it not just like yeah you can buy a lot of wood with whatever but then she said the gifts would arrive

I mean maybe it arrived with you it arrived via a card yeah yeah I don't know she really made it seem like he was gonna deliver like and then he like after Thanksgiving he texts now he was like just checking in when's it gonna show up oh wow I'm not checked in on a gift yeah he really wanted that gift so then I yeah I got him a girl

The only problem is Amazon, next day is everything. Now everyone knows you're lying.

I'm just concerned about next birthday. Now, he did take... My birthday was in September. I didn't receive the gift until November.

You know, it really felt like it was from the heart.

Brother to brother.

I have 10. So I was like, oh my God, another gift.

No. Okay. You stay out of the group chats. Yes. Mute. Mute. When it comes, I'm a bad brother.

In group chat.

Especially when you're out of town. Yeah. And a lot of the conversations about what's going on in town.

Then my family has like group chats for the siblings and then some of the siblings. There's at least six or seven different family group chats.

Yeah, we do a name out of a hat. That makes more sense. But then they make it a whole thing. And then it's like a secret. They call it a secret Santa. And I'm like, why are we keeping this a secret? I don't understand. Yeah. And then there's a whole debate every season about like who's like boyfriend or girlfriends or partners are in it.

Yeah. And then it was just like, you know, then as someone who gets like a new boyfriend or girlfriend, you don't want to feel like their relationship isn't as important. But it's not. It's really not. You're probably going to break up. I think you're getting a gift from, you know, Eric.

It doesn't seem right. I've had to do that. Yeah. I've gotten Christmas gifts for people who I literally can't remember their names.

I absolutely love them all. Okay, that's good. But I wouldn't have dinner with most of them. Alone. Is that bad to say?

How many siblings do you have dinner with?

Would you have dinner with all your siblings?

One-on-one, like a whole conversation?

Have you become like best friends with Arnold or are we just like working colleagues at this point?

Was it like an intimate gathering holiday party?

Yeah.

Well, I really hate this for Coulson. You know, he's a piece of shit. I mean, I'm sorry. Yeah. If your partner is pregnant with your child, it's your job to not create unnecessary stress. And this is maybe the most unnecessary stress one could create for someone who's pregnant. Absolutely. Assuming this.

No. Did you ever shoot anything before that?

Are you a lefty or a righty?

Have your machine gun voice.

What did the pew, pew, pew become? Star Wars.

Oh, that's where it came from. I didn't know that either. My machine gun voice is more like...

Oh, my God. The horror. Oh, my God. Yeah. Colson.

Like in the pool. Yeah.

So this is like low impact.

Yeah, 10 minutes to go.

It gets exhausting. Yeah. It's a whole body workout.

Well, now he just now he just painted his arms black.

What temperature is the pool?

Yes.

So you're not cold plunging yet?

Otherwise, you're not really utilizing the panels.

With one big black tattoo. Wouldn't it have just been easier to get a tattoo removal?

Yeah, I think the pandemic gave us a comfort of like, it's 8.45. Yeah, just be home. Just go to bed. Yeah. Honestly, what's the point?

Perfect. We were with the rest of the cast. Well, Meredith was not. We did not see Meredith.

Yeah.

Yeah, there was like in the pre-pandemic, it was like, it's only nine. Like, we can make use of like the rest of the night. Now it's like, why am I up?

Really?

What kind of things do you want to do?

We do that a lot.

Well, we, no. Oh, you just say it? Yeah, we're like, we should do a game night. Yeah.

You came from Jeff Lewis.

Do you have nice things to say about us?

He's a little prickly.

And he called us a big show.

I loved him. Yeah. Yeah.

They leave a mark?

He said that Dorit blocked him.

We gave up on Roni.

Oh, fuck. No, I'm just kidding.

It's just like after the, well, you know, it's not so much the cast. I guess it's just, I'm not enjoying their TV they're making.

I didn't really like love the whole like joke. It just seems like a bunch of lovely ladies who I definitely want to be friends with. Right. Who seem like unproblematic.

Yeah.

She seems lovely. Yeah. But I definitely need more from her.

Is it time for Vibe vs. Stats?

We had a run-in with Vicky last week.

We did. Yeah.

Oh, wow.

I didn't see it. She got off. She talked some shit, but it was all, like, fun. Who was Nick Viles? We got her permission to air...

No, we're not down for that. But we thought it was funny and we asked her permission and she was gracious enough to play along.

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The version of the story is wild. Really? Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah. It's 20 precious moments of you know exactly how Vicky sees the world. It's through the lens of Vicky.

She was at lunch with her boyfriend. Lunch on the beaches of Mexico.

And it started with, you owe me. And I was like, huh? This is after she called up my booker. Because she tried to move it. And I was like, well, we can't move it. We're supposed to put out this episode.

Well, that was special. Yeah.

And that was only after Sandoval called me to do, he asked for a favor.

And I did him the favor. Right. I said, well, then you gotta come on my show.

And I gave him a bunch of heads up, a bunch of calls. Yeah. And then nothing.

I am time-oriented. Yeah. It's not that I haven't been late, but I will give you the heads up that I'm running late. Yeah.

How do we feel about the reboot?

I like doing that with my Bravo shows. Yeah. It's very easy to jump back and forth.

Well, not to mention because Lisa has Vanderpump Villa on Hulu. And that's like, what's the difference?

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I still want a Tom and Tom season.

I want it to be called Washed Up.

Maybe it's a working title.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then she was like, well, I wasn't sure how to be there. And then I was like, how do you be there?

I haven't seen it. I'm sure I will. I hear it's wonderful.

It's amazing.

I'm not a musical guy, but I do have a daughter. And I imagine, as I've said to the team, that I'm sure I'll watch Wicked 300 times. Yeah, you will. At some point in my life. So I'm just waiting for that.

I'm waiting for the, like, can we watch it again?

Yes.

Because when we do watch it, I want to be there. You do. I really want to be able to know how to be there.

Are you a musical fan?

You do love musicals.

And how did she feel about it?

Okay.

Yeah. And could musical people enjoy... I mean, because I do love... I respect a good voice.

I mean, I like to think of it as appreciative of the arts as the next person, but I don't think I've ever really watched a movie and been like, wow, this is, like, a really good set. Ah.

I was like, oh my God. Is that a result of you like just being more aware of how TV and movies are made? I didn't even know.

Or anyone who likes music.

All you straighties out there.

I haven't gone on TikTok as a consumer in a while.

Don't get me wrong. Eating a Chili's triple dipper. But as a consumer, I try to stay off.

I don't know. I think we've been worried about it being taken away for a while now.

Okay. Well, until they're gone, they're not going to, they're going to be here. Yeah.

I didn't force that though. I don't know.

I think those types of rules need to come from our communities, not our

Not the laws, I don't know, weird.

Love my favorite. Where can people find tickets of your tour?

Brittany and Heather were in New York doing Watch What Happens Live.

Are they coupled up?

FortuneFemester.com? Mm-hmm.

Your ticket's taking care of biscuits. That's right. Do you cook?

Employed?

Yeah, I like to grill, but I don't like anything in the kitchen. I wouldn't say I bake very well, though. So I feel like biscuits are more of a baking science. Yeah.

Have some respect. It's still not cooking, but it's warming up. You can screw up warming up.

Okay.

What did you eat?

What does she do for Joe?

Fortune, it's always fun chatting with you. Always fun catching up.

It's very funny. You should check it out. All her stuff on Netflix is hilarious. And if you happen to see Fortune in town, it's an absolute great show. Be sure to get tickets, fortunefeimster.com.

For all things Fortune, check it out. It was good to see you. It's always great to see you.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, man. We've made it, Fortune.

We made it. Thank you, Fortune. Thank you, Michael. Rap Report as well for joining us this episode. Check out Riley Green. We dropped that yesterday as well for Going Deeper. We'll see you next week.

Yeah, I believe so. Meredith unaccounted for. I was not made, no one really said anything about.

Also, it seems like maybe you could call her a crime fighter slash hero. Yeah.

Dropping off coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe.

Winning a football game. I think that speaks to her bravery and heroism. She is a true hero. Should I stay and fight this crime?

But they were like, yeah, Brandy and Heather are not here because of Watch What Happens Live. It was really kind of the, it was a Salt Lake City show for sure though.

pop you know a little a little pink touch to it um and i wanted the background to be bright but not too like i didn't want to feel like i was doing barbie right um but yeah so my wife came my wife jacks is a producer uh on my specials and she was like what about like a shiny curtain and did you do the floor too because i noticed the floor was so glossy i was like it's

Well, because at first I have a very cool director, Christian Mercado. He's a filmmaker who does movies and he directed it. And we were trying to do like a cool vibe at first, like with arches. And it just wasn't, like, the concept was really cool, but when we saw it rendered, it was like, it just doesn't, it was like arches in a void.

And that's going to make people just be like, why are there arches, you know? So Jax was like, sparkly curtain, shiny floor, let's go. And we were like, yeah. It was beautiful. Yeah, thank you.

Crushing It, yes.

My more recent one.

His billboards were all over LA in a pink suit. And I was like, I really like that pink suit. It's clean. And I sent that picture to James and was like, I know I don't look like The Bachelor. But we ended up going with a little brighter pink. Because yours was in a vest or something? Yes. A vest.

And I was like, I guess I'll just... I mean, I know what meray means, but I'm surprised that the pink would do that. Usually it's a crazy pattern. It was a knit. Yeah, probably the knit is what merayed it. So it's something that makes it look blurry. Unbelievable. Because the patterns are so tight. Got it. I'm thinking meranged.

You're thinking of the pie.

I have a shirt that would moiré that I was like, oh, this is me buying a fancy shirt. And I ended up wearing it at the Beacon because I was like, well, I can't wear it on TV. It'll moiré. Right. What a fancy shirt. And my friends saw the pictures and I was like, oh, look at this bowling shirt. Stop. Stop. Stop. How dare you? This was my fancy version of a shirt.

You do. I almost handed you my keys.

It's going to happen.

Yes, please brag.

I'm like... You're the better looking version of me, so I'll take it. I'll take it. It was a...

And then May overlapped with Tig a month. But not any of the three of us at the same time. Oh, except for a lot. We did one live show. That was the only... Literally, we all overlapped one weekend. Oh, my God. So we haven't been able to do hardly anything together.

But when we do, it's fun, yeah. So we like to do a live show because... You guys are doing live shows, right? Yeah. It is so fun. It's fun to be on the road with somebody else too. Yeah, because you build these communities around it and you want to like have something to like celebrate that with. Yeah.

Not together. I saw you soon after you got married.

Are you serious? Yeah, I'm the biggest wuss. Don't let my broad shoulder pull you.

No, she doesn't either.

Untouched flowers. I never wanted one personally. I've dated people that I had a full sleeve at one point. But yeah, I just never, I have a pale body. I'm like, do I need like a- We also have pale bodies. For sure.

Those are fun. Yeah, the hand.

Yeah, I was about to say, you do the color well. Some people's tattoos with color, it's like an eagle or something. You're like, whoa, that's jarring. It's too much, too much. Yeah.

You mean like this? You must have seen that too.

I'm thinking of that kind of tattoo. I think it rocks.

People that want to dabble with it, that's a good way to do it. Just have a little something. Just do a little stick and poke. A little...

We have fun on the road, don't we? I mean, tats and everything. Wow. We're just trying to live. How long have y'all known each other?

Life partners.

Married life is good. We're 10 years in. Shut up. Which I was thinking about that driving here like 10 years. That seems impossible. Did you just have your anniversary? Or it's... Yes, in October. Okay. Because four years married, ten years together. It's great. I mean, we felt very married because we moved in a year into... We were long distance for a year. Then she moved to L.A. for me.

That's very sweet. So it was a lot of pressure. Yeah. I'm like, oh, my God. Because it's a make or break. Yeah. And I told this story in Crushing It, but I ended up pulling that story out. Of how you met? Or the moving in? Of her moving in. Because I was like, this doesn't quite fit the narrative of what I'm telling. And I want to save it for my next hour to build around it a little bit more.

But yeah, she moved for me. So there was that pressure of like, please don't let me be ruining this person's life. You know, she was a...

kindergarten teacher in chicago and loved it and loved chicago and now i'm bringing her into the circus of hollywood yep and it's still she still kind of has a love hate relationship with the holly la and hollywood the whole industry yeah yeah because she's a very like salt of the earth like normal gal i'm sure she sees the bullshit she sees the bullshit fucking sucks by the way yeah

there that right there and it frustrates me because uh she's so awesome and lovely and and kind and fun and when we're all when i'm with her people act one way and when i'm not there they like i you know sometimes won't even act like they know who she is and i'm like come on I'm like, I've been together for 10 years. Like, how do you not?

You know, it's just that kind of stuff is very frustrating about this business. It can be very vain. For sure. And like, what can you do for me? Who are you? Are you famous? And so, you know, finding balance has been kind of the mantra of recent times. How do you guys do that? I haven't. That's what I've got to work towards.

So 20, 20, 25 will be trying to just like have normal like hanging out with friends more. Yeah. Having just like normal times where our whole life isn't centered around just my work. And go, go, go. Yeah. New city. And I'm always going to be a workaholic. I love this place.

job so much i love stand-up so much so she knows that um but i i don't want her life to be revolved around me so that's that's the that's a great 2025 does she come with you on the road she used to all the time yeah for many many years she even sold my merch god bless her wow she's like i've got a master's degree

So in the beginning, all the time. But then that first year and a half tour, after the things opened up with the pandemic, we went hard on the road. And she, at the end of it, was like, oh, my God, this is too much. It's a lifestyle. Yeah. So on this last tour, she's like, you go. Go do. And I'll come to some of the big cities. And that ended up working out great.

And I had reached a point in touring where I had a tour manager now, because that was always her worry, is that she wanted to make sure I was okay and taken care of. She's the best. And that's not fun. Then that's a second job. Yeah, and I'm on stage... I get the glory, you know, of the travel or the tiredness. I'm on stage and people laugh and clap and tell me, good job.

She's like stuck in a green room, you know, and it's not listening from backstage. She doesn't get the payoff of it in that way. But we found a good balance, I think. And I don't do like the bus tour where you're out for like four months. I go Thursday, come home Sunday. Yes. That's so perfect. We're not like apart for long periods of time.

Yeah, kiss your dog.

I've been touring for 15 years now.

That's unreal. My first, I want to say, up until 2020, I did meet and greets after every show. I stayed for an hour and a half. I'd do four shows and then meet everybody.

No, it was all free. I was still building my stand-up, building my career. I wanted to do it to just connect with people and build that fan base. So the meet and greet was then longer than the actual show. It was very long, yeah. And so for years, meet and greets, I sold my own merch before Jack sold it. I'm like taking pictures and swiping credit cards. Yeah, we do the same shit.

But I knew that, or the hope was that if you have that personal connection that would build it for life and they would want to come back, you know, as, uh, as you grew. Um, and so, but it is daunting to, for after four shows, you're doing an hour and a half meet and greet, but that was probably when the craziest things would happen.

A lot of drunk people and, um, you know, just people telling you all kinds of things and some very like touching and some like, Whoa, that was TMI.

And now it's... I just, from the nature of the theaters, can't do that anymore. I would be there for six hours. So now we do like a... I think I cap it at 30 people. Oh, that's so nice. Whoever buys the first 30, we say hello. And nothing crazy. Really? I don't feel like I have... Yeah, I don't put out the vibe, I guess, to get it back. Fair, because Ray puts out the vibe and we get it back.

I used to have that in my Chelsea Lately days. When I met Jax, she just said, I just asked one thing, and she did not have many requests. She's like, no boobs, no signing boobs, let's keep it classy.

My wife loves a boundary. She is a boundary gal.

So I've had to, and I'm still not to her level of boundaries, but I've definitely learned about them. Yeah. Learning about them. I applied them at times.

Yeah.

Chicago Pride. You just happened to be there. Yeah, I was doing a show in Minneapolis at their Pride the night before. My friends who I had done a show with years prior always have this big lesbian weekend event. It's called Backlot Bash. And they're like, come through, you're in Minneapolis. And I was like, why not? And I went and was watching the DJ by myself and Jax walked up with a friend and

We started chatting and just kept running into each other all night. This is a very cute meet-cute. And I never thought in a million years you could meet someone like that. Right. For years, I was meeting girls, at least in LA, that never wanted to commit. Yeah. The grass was always greener. You'll do for now kind of thing.

And I was like, when am I going to meet somebody? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they don't tell you that. Yeah, but you could tell. The vibes are. Dating 10 people while they're dating you tells you that.

It's crazy.

Yeah. And I remember we spent the weekend hanging out. And I remember my best friend was living in Chicago at the time. He and I were roommates for like eight years in L.A. And... I told him about meeting her, and I was like, something feels different about her. I don't know what it is or what this looks like, but I don't think it's over, whatever this is.

Yeah, it kept going and going and going, and here we are. That's so beautiful.

She's awesome.

Yeah, right before. I started stand-up in 2007. I started in the Groundlings first, sketch and improv, 2005. That transitioned to stand-up 2007. But I went up the ranks pretty quick in stand-up because... I just threw myself into the comedy store in L.A. Really? We had the best place on earth. In 2007, it was such a dark time. Vibes were bad when we were there.

I can't imagine 2007 comedy store as a queer person. Because comedy was in a... So right now, stand-up's in a boom, right? Yeah. But it was in a bust at the time. People were not into stand-up very much. The clubs were empty. Yeah. Everybody was giving away free tickets constantly. The store was...

it was a lot of bringers yeah a lot of bringer shows and uh so dark vibes um so i'm just like is this what is it for dark vibes that's what i started yeah i started at the um in the belly room

them up there and but just hung in there and uh 2010 did last comic standing uh and that's what and i was two two and a half years in the stand-up so pretty green pretty green that's so early yeah and people were into me but i got out right at the right time because if i'd gotten one more round i'd have been like i don't got no jokes yeah i was like how much material did you have you came in with like 10 minutes not enough for that

So it was early. That's perfect though. But it opened my, that's what, where I started touring was after that, like college shows and some clubs, but they would have to paper all those clubs, which means free tickets, giving all the free tickets out and just worked.

That's what I would do, Q&As, baby. Are you serious? Like a good 20-minute Q&A. And I had no idea.

I go, here's a treat for you guys. You have to act like you're doing them a favor.

You guys... And I would just go through, like, my resume. I've done this and this and this. I'd take up five. See? Or, you know, I'd expand it a little. Fluffed it a bit. Because these were early days. Right. And then you go, yeah, so if you guys want to ask me any questions about L.A. Yes. Hollywood. Did they ever have questions? Oh, yeah. Because, you know, they were...

This was like, so this would have been 2010. So Instagram, I don't think, came around until like 11 or something maybe. There wasn't TikTok. Facebook was kind of a thing. But it wasn't the same where you could just like, if you want to ask somebody something now, go on TikTok. And they're like, well, here's the deal. So they were much further removed from that LA Hollywood world.

So it was fascinating to them to be like, yeah, tell us about.

Even the process of moving from a tiny town to L.A., I mean, that's a good thing to learn as a college kid. When I was in college, I didn't know you could make a living doing something like this.

You don't say no. It was $500. It was so painful.

Oh, that's really sweet.

she made up i was on like it got better when i got on chelsea lately i ended up getting it on there at 2011 but it still wasn't great because um i remember i did a college show i want to say in 2012 and 10 people were there fuck and two of them were people i knew and i kept having to apologize and be like it's not usually like this

It's usually more people. I'm like, it's St. Patty's Day weekend. So, you know, a lot of people go out to the bars. No college kid. Actually, no college kid does want to go to a Saturday show on a St. Paddy's Day. No. No. They're pre-gaming. Yeah. They're doing anything but that. But those are the things that make us stronger, right? Well, and look at you now.

A lot of years. A lot of years of work, you know? The stand-up was that. Now, you know, it's shifting a bit because... And I'm not one of those people that's like, you've got to earn your dues. I'm like, get it how you get it. If it's TikTok or Instagram, now you can kind of cut out that middleman and get an audience just posting clips. Just by you.

Back in the day, you had to sort of go up that ladder in a certain way. But now, whatever makes it easier. It's hard to sell tickets. There's so many people touring. There's so much entertainment. People are distracted by everything. you do to be successful, good on you.

Yes, gay people. Come on, gay people.

Yeah, I mean, because, you know, I said it in my... special sweet and salty because that special is all about coming out and figuring out who you are um and i say like representation matters and that's still true today because i think i would have come out a lot sooner had i had people to look up to in media and like see representations of myself out there But it didn't exist.

So even though things are better, it is still important to have our voices and people be able to look at us, you know, who live in a small town and maybe don't know out people or, you know. can't see themselves reflected, it's cool to hear stories that you can relate to.

So it is important to support gay comics and people in our queer comics, people in our community, to just, like, not feel alone, I think. Yes.

Like, you're just fucking, yeah. Slow and steady, baby. Right. It's unreal.

Might as well have been 25. Okay.

In the grave. Shut up! Now I'm a really old head. Yeah, which that would be my one. I can't say regret because it's just how it unfolded. But, oh, man, I would have loved to have been gay in college. Yeah. Or known I was gay. I was gay. I just didn't know that about myself. You weren't acting on it. Yeah. It would have been nice to have gotten to make some of those dating mistakes early on.

I was going to notice as a 30-year-old, you know. Right, yeah. having terrible dates and being awkward. I should have learned that at 18. Yes. But I just didn't know. I didn't know I was gay. And I tried to like men. And that's always so fun. They're like, no, thank you. That's not amore. That is not amore.

Yeah, because I would meet dudes and we would just like immediately like high five. Yes. It was never like, oh, do you like me? I like you. Never. So just many years of being like, why don't guys like me? Your grandma would keep asking, do you have a boyfriend yet?

And it's funny to like now be the most secure in all this and 10 years married, you know, just long past those days. Yeah.

Yeah, that for us, older gays, and I'm not like, I'm not 80, you guys, let's calm down. But the L word, the original L word was a big, I think that was an eye opener for many of us. Was there a specific character?

I just this sounds so mundane but as someone from a town of 8,000 people who literally did not know one out gay person in my hometown and was not very familiar with gay people at all I had no gay friends I just moved to L.A. Just seeing all these lesbians get coffee together and be quote unquote normal, whatever that is, and just live in life.

That was the most significant thing to me of like, oh, that's beautiful. It's just they're just living their life. They're just being possible. And then, of course, you know, but and they take when they get sexy time. Oh, yeah, for sure.

A married couple who eventually have a kid. Yes, I know. That stability. I'm like such a dork. I like that stability right there.

That's so sweet. I mean, listen, I saw, and I know Kate, I understood Shane's sex appeal. Every woman lost their mind over Shane, but I was just into the more... Everyday life things. And Dana. I like Dana. I like shorty Dana. And I liked her and Alice's relationship together.

Because that was quirky and fun. So that was like relationship goals.

For sure.

Hey, maybe they'll bring her back. I thought you meant ripped. Like she had abs.

Also, if you think about it, everything's sensationalized where gay people are built up to these people who hate gay people to be this big scary thing. They're evil, right? And you keep hearing that, and you're being fed that by these fear mongers. So I think that's why it... To see just everyday life, getting coffee, problems are the same as this couple and that couple, and it is not scary. Yeah.

That has a big effect when you're just showing, like, same with the stand-up stories. Yeah. Where you're just telling people, here's a quirky fight I had with my wife. Yes. And then it makes people go, oh, I thought that was so scary. Yeah. But they can relate to it. Actually, they're not that different from what I'm going through with my spouse. It does make a difference.

That was fun. I was like, I wasn't going to tell that story. And we were on a hike, and Jax was like, what about that fight we got into on the quiet car? I was like, oh, yeah, I guess. That was... Oh, because I didn't know how to, sometimes you just don't know how to turn it into a proper story. Right. Where it's like, was that a, you had to be there story? No, it was not.

Or can this be a story story?

Big time. Absolutely. Cool, cool, cool.

My wife is the boss of me. Oh my God. She's got that kindergarten teacher disciplinarian thing where she has this tone where I'm like, oh my god.

It's black and white.

Yeah, when she's on board with something, she is on board. When she does not like something, dead.

does not like it yeah and there's no move in that needle i mean she yeah everything is very cut and dry confident i live in the gray and so you know uh but i i like that in the if i if she tells me she likes something i know she really likes it yeah if she thinks something's funny and she says it i know she means that she does there's no bullshit yeah i love that

Which, you know, you do need because there's plenty of that out here.

Yeah. All at once. I'm like that, too. Yeah. I'm on board with a lot of things.

I like that terrible movie. I love it.

She doesn't like as many things.

really special and that feels like very cool I wonder what it is about our personalities because I feel like we have we're similar in that way that it works with these two different vibes yeah I think it is like I think opposites attract yeah yeah Yeah. That yin and yang. Yeah. And kind of give each other a little bit of what the other doesn't have. Like I have softened jacks a bit. Yeah.

And she's made me learn boundaries. Right. Yeah. Boundaries.

Couple.

with anyone I was always like kissing all of my friends yeah I thought you were meant to kiss your friends when we first met Rachel did think I was hitting on her she was like oh she wants to fuck me for sure but that was my experience you literally did just kiss all your friends yeah wow no friend was kissing me whoa yeah I missed out I thought that maybe that's because you came out a little too late I came out pretty early you probably were more confident with women than I ever was I tried to be

I was always assuming someone was looking at the person behind me. I did not have that confidence for many years.

And that probably did happen for you because you were so earnest about it. Like, well, this is supposed to happen. We have to. We have to fuck. And they're like, oh, for sure. Yeah. If you say so. Good for you. Good for you. Yeah.

You set the boundaries. Yeah, you have to have a boundary.

In culture or personally? Because I'm like, did I have five gay things happen to me?

Okay.

Yes.

Starring Zendaya. I wanted it to be gayer. Incredible take. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Because it was being pumped up as this like, did you guys see the scene? And then when the I had it so built up that when I was like, that was it. Right. I needed more gay. You needed dong on dong.

I don't think you're going to get it in a movie like Wicked. But other things.

There's more full frontal than ever. That's a great point. Don't you think? Yeah.

Send me. It was in the Menendez, Ryan Murphy's Menendez. Didn't watch it. It had a full frontal moment, didn't it? Yeah. There was another. Oh, you probably didn't watch this. It was on Netflix. It was that horny show. It was a really horny, horny show. Feels like I would watch that.

Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She forced it. That show was awesome. Netflix. So horny. So horny. They already canceled it. They got two seasons. What? The second season, it was... So the first season worked because it was just horny AF. Yep. Second season, they try to do the family thing and they're like, no, no, no, no, no. Go back to the secret. When they fucked in a pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're trying to make it to like, yeah, now we're hanging out with the kids and we're trying to make this work. We're like... Boo!

What? And I know there's another couple full frontals recently because my wife is always like, disgusting! Are you serious? She's not into it. My wife is, and I'm a gold star too, she's like no wieners. She does not want to see a man

it's like exciting i'm like whatever let's see it i'm here for frontal everything let's see it what are you working with what are we doing i'm just fascinated enjoy it on the tv you know it's a write-off okay so we challengers yeah okay the next one 2024 number four we have brat summer

So you partook. I learned that dance. I learned that dance. Oh, yeah. I only learned like two TikTok dances a year, and that was one of them. And this was?

Oh, I did learn last year in the holidays, the Meghan Trainor song was very popular. It's...

i made you look and there was so i learned that dance because everybody was doing it and you're supposed to do like i made you look like your hands to the camera and i poked myself in the eye yeah oh my god this is the things that like not enough people are talking about it's dangerous out there for us can i just be honest right before you got in here we did an intro for your episode and rachel tried to put these on and smacked herself so

I think that's kind of what... Well, then I did not have a bad summer. In that case... My thong stayed on, on, on, on, on.

Yeah, yeah.

Love a coffee. Yeah, no Brett Summer, but I learned the dance.

Oh, yeah. That was a big moment in gay culture.

Gay stuff, hooking up with each other. I clutched my pearls during that song. I was like, okay.

She came out guns a blazing.

So let me lick it. Lick it, stick it, sit on my face and crush it.

But those vibes. In that demure dress. And then she's like, got the Oscar. Yeah.

Her quote.

I don't think I have. I mean, she looks like she would... There was a period of time where I didn't go on the internet for like a month.

Oh, yeah. Gay vibes for sure.

Yeah. Very powerful. Yeah.

Yeah, she had something in college going on.

I loved all the Olympics.

It was crazy. It was a lot. It started at 2 p.m. I can say this. It was French. It was very French. Very French. And then, I mean, it went from, like, Lady Gaga to, like, the last... Or, no, it wasn't the last of her. It was some painting to, like, hair metal band outside of a castle.

To a horse. To, like... I mean, there was a lot. Yeah. We needed to just... Take it down a notch. But also, I love people expressing themselves.

Soccer had a couple of gay moments. Oh, yeah. And they won. That was exciting. It's huge.

I'm a Celine stan.

I cried the whole time. I watched her documentary and I watched the French-Canadian version of her life. Which one? Is it called Céline? I don't know. Céline? It's a scripted version of a girl being Céline. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. I've never seen it, but I need to watch it. I only watched it because I flew Air Canada. Of course. And so, hello, French-Canadians. It's on there.

They're obsessed with her. They're queen. She's my queen. Deeply.