Freya India

And then you think of things like young people not wanting to get married and have children. And it's like, well, yeah, because there'll be a huge obstacle if we think that we have to have this perfect control over our mental health or our productivity routine. Anyone else is going to seem like chaos coming into that. And so I think young men and women can both go to an extreme of those.

And then you think of things like young people not wanting to get married and have children. And it's like, well, yeah, because there'll be a huge obstacle if we think that we have to have this perfect control over our mental health or our productivity routine. Anyone else is going to seem like chaos coming into that. And so I think young men and women can both go to an extreme of those.

but it's kind of the same thing. It's like an avoidance strategy. It's like, I have full control in this situation and I'm not vulnerable.

but it's kind of the same thing. It's like an avoidance strategy. It's like, I have full control in this situation and I'm not vulnerable.

Yes, I love Oliver Berman. He's great.

Yes, I love Oliver Berman. He's great.

No, I relate to him painfully because... Yeah, me too.

No, I relate to him painfully because... Yeah, me too.

Yeah, and I think I have that tendency to see people as distraction because I'm trying to work. So I'm often like, you know, I need to write in perfect silence. I need to have my perfect routine. And yeah, I read a quote, I think it was C.S. Lewis saying something like, Eventually you realize that all of these distractions from your life were just your life. Like they weren't distractions at all.

Yeah, and I think I have that tendency to see people as distraction because I'm trying to work. So I'm often like, you know, I need to write in perfect silence. I need to have my perfect routine. And yeah, I read a quote, I think it was C.S. Lewis saying something like, Eventually you realize that all of these distractions from your life were just your life. Like they weren't distractions at all.

And I think it's really sad to kind of teach young people or just like drill into their heads that they should avoid anyone getting in the way of their self-development and their ambition or their healing because...

And I think it's really sad to kind of teach young people or just like drill into their heads that they should avoid anyone getting in the way of their self-development and their ambition or their healing because...

that's life getting in the way um and yeah it's sad to see people kind of half-heartedly do relationships or kind of um put them off in pursuit of that ultimate control i think that's a really that will backfire eventually what are the problems of excessive self-focus

that's life getting in the way um and yeah it's sad to see people kind of half-heartedly do relationships or kind of um put them off in pursuit of that ultimate control i think that's a really that will backfire eventually what are the problems of excessive self-focus

Well, I think it's Jordan Peterson says there's no difference between self-obsession and mental illness in the sense that it's all focusing too much on yourself. Not to say that it's in your control all the time necessarily, but that is what it is. It's focusing too much on your own problems. And I think... Yeah, as I said, girls are particularly vulnerable to it.

Well, I think it's Jordan Peterson says there's no difference between self-obsession and mental illness in the sense that it's all focusing too much on yourself. Not to say that it's in your control all the time necessarily, but that is what it is. It's focusing too much on your own problems. And I think... Yeah, as I said, girls are particularly vulnerable to it.

And I think what it does is it blocks real self-development because you can't see... where you're going wrong because you have these endless excuses for why you're behaving the way you are.

And I think what it does is it blocks real self-development because you can't see... where you're going wrong because you have these endless excuses for why you're behaving the way you are.

So I think a lot of girls think they're doing self-development and self-reflection, but it's actually accidentally like self-obsession because they're thinking, oh, you know, I'm analyzing my attachment style and I'm thinking about my trauma and I'm like doing the work. But there's not much actual self-development going on.

So I think a lot of girls think they're doing self-development and self-reflection, but it's actually accidentally like self-obsession because they're thinking, oh, you know, I'm analyzing my attachment style and I'm thinking about my trauma and I'm like doing the work. But there's not much actual self-development going on.

Yeah. And I think it can kind of be a trap where you think, I'm working on myself as a person. And the same with the self-optimization stuff. I think you can get so obsessed with stuff like maybe the ice baths and the breath work that you're not thinking about trying to be a better person. It just becomes...

Yeah. And I think it can kind of be a trap where you think, I'm working on myself as a person. And the same with the self-optimization stuff. I think you can get so obsessed with stuff like maybe the ice baths and the breath work that you're not thinking about trying to be a better person. It just becomes...

It's kind of like the highlighter girls who, like girls who have like the perfect highlighters and gel pens for their exam, but they get like a D because they were obsessing over having the perfect setup.

It's kind of like the highlighter girls who, like girls who have like the perfect highlighters and gel pens for their exam, but they get like a D because they were obsessing over having the perfect setup.

I think it gives the comfort religion gives and the consolation of like, you see young women on TikTok saying things like, like they won't pray to God, but they'll give a request to the universe and like have faith in that. And so I think it gives all the comfort of religion, but it takes away the inconvenient parts.

I think it gives the comfort religion gives and the consolation of like, you see young women on TikTok saying things like, like they won't pray to God, but they'll give a request to the universe and like have faith in that. And so I think it gives all the comfort of religion, but it takes away the inconvenient parts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's funny because there's a lot of emphasis on women walking away from disrespect and not tolerating any bad behavior. But there's also kind of this self-pitying stuff going on. So it's like... Real empowerment would be very often, I'm not tolerating this, I'm walking away, but you look online now and there's a lot of young women who just ruminate over a problem.

Yeah, and it's funny because there's a lot of emphasis on women walking away from disrespect and not tolerating any bad behavior. But there's also kind of this self-pitying stuff going on. So it's like... Real empowerment would be very often, I'm not tolerating this, I'm walking away, but you look online now and there's a lot of young women who just ruminate over a problem.

So like I was saying before, they might be in a bad relationship and they'll be analyzing both of their attachment styles and thinking about how it's toxic and talking to other girls about it rather than just leaving. And so I think sometimes young women, like me as well, get caught up in analyzing and not the actual action.

So like I was saying before, they might be in a bad relationship and they'll be analyzing both of their attachment styles and thinking about how it's toxic and talking to other girls about it rather than just leaving. And so I think sometimes young women, like me as well, get caught up in analyzing and not the actual action.

And they think all the mental health stuff is actually empowering them. But I often see it like taking again, taking the language away from actual problems. And rather than everybody opening up is actually like closing down their ability to see what's going on and act upon it.

And they think all the mental health stuff is actually empowering them. But I often see it like taking again, taking the language away from actual problems. And rather than everybody opening up is actually like closing down their ability to see what's going on and act upon it.

So the, any actual demands on you or kind of restrictions on your freedom or anything like that.

So the, any actual demands on you or kind of restrictions on your freedom or anything like that.

So it has what women are craving in modern life, I think, which is belonging and security in something and faith in something. But it's a much easier version of religion.

So it has what women are craving in modern life, I think, which is belonging and security in something and faith in something. But it's a much easier version of religion.

Well, I think you view it, as you've said about the lonely chapter, you view it as a set time that has to come to an end, which is what therapy should be as well. It's like a set period. Yeah. But the problem is now therapy culture stuff is so tied up with identity stuff. So you get kind of young girls who start reading about social anxiety and they relate to it because they're 14 and shy.

Well, I think you view it, as you've said about the lonely chapter, you view it as a set time that has to come to an end, which is what therapy should be as well. It's like a set period. Yeah. But the problem is now therapy culture stuff is so tied up with identity stuff. So you get kind of young girls who start reading about social anxiety and they relate to it because they're 14 and shy.

I feel it it's really painful for me so why would I put myself in those situations I'm just not built for those situations um and so that's the problem with it is there's no end to it because you can just go on there and then it becomes part of who you are and again as you said the second you go out and you feel intense anxiety as you do as a 14 year old in like any situation then you'll think oh yeah this is confirmation that I have social anxiety disorder and shouldn't be here um

I feel it it's really painful for me so why would I put myself in those situations I'm just not built for those situations um and so that's the problem with it is there's no end to it because you can just go on there and then it becomes part of who you are and again as you said the second you go out and you feel intense anxiety as you do as a 14 year old in like any situation then you'll think oh yeah this is confirmation that I have social anxiety disorder and shouldn't be here um

So, yeah, I always just think of these things as like me at 13 and the worst things you could say to me. And social anxiety disorder is one of them. It's like I kind of needed people to kind of laugh it off and just say, well, you have to go anyway. That's what I needed.

So, yeah, I always just think of these things as like me at 13 and the worst things you could say to me. And social anxiety disorder is one of them. It's like I kind of needed people to kind of laugh it off and just say, well, you have to go anyway. That's what I needed.

Like if someone came to me and said, well, some people call it a disorder and they take medication for it and some people need that. I'd be like, well, I need that.

Like if someone came to me and said, well, some people call it a disorder and they take medication for it and some people need that. I'd be like, well, I need that.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like seeing the symptoms as... Seeing your personality traits as symptoms, which happens with the gender dysphoria stuff as well, which is like... Now just like quirky, edgy things about people become...

Yeah. Yeah, it's like seeing the symptoms as... Seeing your personality traits as symptoms, which happens with the gender dysphoria stuff as well, which is like... Now just like quirky, edgy things about people become...

Yeah.

Yeah.

their personality yeah that becomes a diagnosis so like before we'd be like talk about some guy and be like he's always late it's just something about him you know it's kind of lovable and annoying but it's his personality and now it's like oh because of his ADHD he's always late yeah that's so funny that's really interesting to hear to hear the language I mean even even we do it we do it around here you know there'll be for instance

their personality yeah that becomes a diagnosis so like before we'd be like talk about some guy and be like he's always late it's just something about him you know it's kind of lovable and annoying but it's his personality and now it's like oh because of his ADHD he's always late yeah that's so funny that's really interesting to hear to hear the language I mean even even we do it we do it around here you know there'll be for instance

a lot. There was a study recently showing 32% of all 12 to 17 year olds in America have either had therapy, been on medication or had some kind of treatment in 2023. Over a single year.

a lot. There was a study recently showing 32% of all 12 to 17 year olds in America have either had therapy, been on medication or had some kind of treatment in 2023. Over a single year.

I mean, I am writing this book at the moment, and one of the chapters is about these kind of TikToks that girls are looking at about autism. And I literally went down a rabbit hole, like, I'm autistic, I'm fully autistic. Well, like, all of the symptoms, they're all about shy, nerdy girls.

I mean, I am writing this book at the moment, and one of the chapters is about these kind of TikToks that girls are looking at about autism. And I literally went down a rabbit hole, like, I'm autistic, I'm fully autistic. Well, like, all of the symptoms, they're all about shy, nerdy girls.

And I'm like, oh, okay, this has been me my whole life, just kind of awkward and doesn't fit in and reads a lot and everything. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, God, reading this, if you're just like slightly different from the mainstream popular extroverted girl, you're going to be autistic.

And I'm like, oh, okay, this has been me my whole life, just kind of awkward and doesn't fit in and reads a lot and everything. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, God, reading this, if you're just like slightly different from the mainstream popular extroverted girl, you're going to be autistic.

And but it's such it's like it's funny, but it's also like, oh, my God, there's like I can't say a serious point because you're laughing.

And but it's such it's like it's funny, but it's also like, oh, my God, there's like I can't say a serious point because you're laughing.

Which is insane. And I was talking to someone about that statistic and they were like oh that's great that's amazing and I was thinking that's a bleak statistic um so yeah I think there's there's the girls that are in therapy which is a lot but then there's also the girls who just like living in therapy culture so it's just they scroll through Instagram and it's all about attachment styles trauma

Which is insane. And I was talking to someone about that statistic and they were like oh that's great that's amazing and I was thinking that's a bleak statistic um so yeah I think there's there's the girls that are in therapy which is a lot but then there's also the girls who just like living in therapy culture so it's just they scroll through Instagram and it's all about attachment styles trauma

Yeah, and autistic people I've met do kind of openly joke about it, I feel. Whereas I feel like OCD is more offensive to say, oh, that was me being OCD. I feel like that's become a bit more… Yeah, it's my suicidal ideation. Yeah. But yeah, it's funny, but it's also like you think of like a 13-year-old girl who really convinces herself she has autism.

Yeah, and autistic people I've met do kind of openly joke about it, I feel. Whereas I feel like OCD is more offensive to say, oh, that was me being OCD. I feel like that's become a bit more… Yeah, it's my suicidal ideation. Yeah. But yeah, it's funny, but it's also like you think of like a 13-year-old girl who really convinces herself she has autism.

and actually she's just quite unique and quirky um that can be like a lifelong sentence of thinking you're different from other people because you're unwell um a much more pernicious one maybe would be something which is less serious of a diagnosis and that everybody believes that they have which would be an attachment style thing yes because it's such a

and actually she's just quite unique and quirky um that can be like a lifelong sentence of thinking you're different from other people because you're unwell um a much more pernicious one maybe would be something which is less serious of a diagnosis and that everybody believes that they have which would be an attachment style thing yes because it's such a

And to kind of ignore your gut instinct, like... I feel like you can be in a bad relationship and you have a feeling about someone. And now you interpret that as my anxiety coming up. That's like my attachment disorder triggering. Rather than, oh, they've just said something or revealed something about themselves that I should be... I'm actually tuning into.

And to kind of ignore your gut instinct, like... I feel like you can be in a bad relationship and you have a feeling about someone. And now you interpret that as my anxiety coming up. That's like my attachment disorder triggering. Rather than, oh, they've just said something or revealed something about themselves that I should be... I'm actually tuning into.

The worry is like young girls convince themselves they have a disorder and then shut down that instinct.

The worry is like young girls convince themselves they have a disorder and then shut down that instinct.

Yeah, I hate this phrase like I'm anxiously attached rather than like I'm feeling anxiety at the moment. And also you see on the internet like anxious attachment quizzes and like t-shirts and it's become a thing to identify with. Yeah, and it's also a community, like an online community of people who will again co-ruminate over it.

Yeah, I hate this phrase like I'm anxiously attached rather than like I'm feeling anxiety at the moment. And also you see on the internet like anxious attachment quizzes and like t-shirts and it's become a thing to identify with. Yeah, and it's also a community, like an online community of people who will again co-ruminate over it.

um but i think it's actually more dangerous than we think if you take it too far because you again you just become blind to what's actually happening in your life and you're kind of living by a theory and also blind to how you can be complicit in causing these things to happen yeah how you could have self-authorship over stopping these things from happening yes Yeah.

um but i think it's actually more dangerous than we think if you take it too far because you again you just become blind to what's actually happening in your life and you're kind of living by a theory and also blind to how you can be complicit in causing these things to happen yeah how you could have self-authorship over stopping these things from happening yes Yeah.

Well, if someone's behaving badly and all you're doing is like repeating your positive affirmations in the mirror, it's not going to help you. Like at some point you need to have the kind of confidence to stand up to people and you're not going to have that if your core belief is that you're an anxious, damaged person.

Well, if someone's behaving badly and all you're doing is like repeating your positive affirmations in the mirror, it's not going to help you. Like at some point you need to have the kind of confidence to stand up to people and you're not going to have that if your core belief is that you're an anxious, damaged person.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that's just tragic. But I think, again, I can't really blame young girls for that. I just think it's everywhere now. And as Constantine says, if the incentives are there, it's just going to happen. And there are incentives now to do that. It's almost like now. You know what we were saying before?

I mean, that's just tragic. But I think, again, I can't really blame young girls for that. I just think it's everywhere now. And as Constantine says, if the incentives are there, it's just going to happen. And there are incentives now to do that. It's almost like now. You know what we were saying before?

If you're English and you talk about something good happening in your life, people kind of judge you and think you're weird. Yeah. It's kind of become like if you go around saying, actually, I have really good mental health and I deal with things really well and I don't get anxious. People look at you like that's kind of a wrong thing to say.

If you're English and you talk about something good happening in your life, people kind of judge you and think you're weird. Yeah. It's kind of become like if you go around saying, actually, I have really good mental health and I deal with things really well and I don't get anxious. People look at you like that's kind of a wrong thing to say.

They go on TikTok and it's like a trauma informed therapist telling them like red flags they should watch out for and stuff. It's just like there's the actual therapy, which I'm sure there is. There's useful therapists, but there's also just this culture, which is just the world that they're swimming in.

They go on TikTok and it's like a trauma informed therapist telling them like red flags they should watch out for and stuff. It's just like there's the actual therapy, which I'm sure there is. There's useful therapists, but there's also just this culture, which is just the world that they're swimming in.

I think if you were a girl saying that in school, people would not relate to you as much.

I think if you were a girl saying that in school, people would not relate to you as much.

Yeah, or like it's kind of a braggy way to be now to say, oh, I handled it fine.

Yeah, or like it's kind of a braggy way to be now to say, oh, I handled it fine.

Try to be autistic or something.

Try to be autistic or something.

Well, that's kind of another problem with the therapy stuff is it's, well, one, it's kind of offensive to people like that because, I mean, there are literally young women mimicking tics from Tourette's TikTok. TikTok. TikTok. Yeah, I think there is actually a TikTok hashtag. But yeah, they're picking up Tourette's.

Well, that's kind of another problem with the therapy stuff is it's, well, one, it's kind of offensive to people like that because, I mean, there are literally young women mimicking tics from Tourette's TikTok. TikTok. TikTok. Yeah, I think there is actually a TikTok hashtag. But yeah, they're picking up Tourette's.

And, you know, whether that's conscious or not, some of them at least are kind of jumping on that identity. And then you hear someone like Lewis Capaldi's story, and it's like the pain of that is actually stopping him doing what he loves. Yeah.

And, you know, whether that's conscious or not, some of them at least are kind of jumping on that identity. And then you hear someone like Lewis Capaldi's story, and it's like the pain of that is actually stopping him doing what he loves. Yeah.

um but that conversation is kind of being swallowed up by the conversation of like young girls identifying with Tourette's like people are fucking lopping with this on yeah face-to-camera videos yeah again it actually takes away the language to talk about people who are actually suffering um because it's just become so big now that everyone's autistic everyone's got Tourette's and I don't know

um but that conversation is kind of being swallowed up by the conversation of like young girls identifying with Tourette's like people are fucking lopping with this on yeah face-to-camera videos yeah again it actually takes away the language to talk about people who are actually suffering um because it's just become so big now that everyone's autistic everyone's got Tourette's and I don't know

Yeah, well, when I started writing, I was writing about addiction to social media and trends and stuff and kind of wondering why that was happening. And then I've been trying to kind of trace it back to think, what is the actual need that's not being met here?

Yeah, well, when I started writing, I was writing about addiction to social media and trends and stuff and kind of wondering why that was happening. And then I've been trying to kind of trace it back to think, what is the actual need that's not being met here?

So one of them, I was looking at all this attachment style stuff and like the dating gurus, how popular like relationship advice is on TikTok and stuff. And I was thinking, is this because young people don't have adults giving them guidance about relationships?

So one of them, I was looking at all this attachment style stuff and like the dating gurus, how popular like relationship advice is on TikTok and stuff. And I was thinking, is this because young people don't have adults giving them guidance about relationships?

So now they go and watch an influencer who's an attachment expert because parents and families aren't getting as involved in giving advice about relationships anymore.

So now they go and watch an influencer who's an attachment expert because parents and families aren't getting as involved in giving advice about relationships anymore.

um so things like that there's a lot of trends where i think you can trace it back to adults have stepped away from giving some form of guidance um so you see it with like relationship stuff on tiktok and also the desperate search for obviously community and belonging to something is coming from a real pain of not having any community in real life like i

um so things like that there's a lot of trends where i think you can trace it back to adults have stepped away from giving some form of guidance um so you see it with like relationship stuff on tiktok and also the desperate search for obviously community and belonging to something is coming from a real pain of not having any community in real life like i

But in recent years, since social media, I would say therapy culture has just escalated to the point where I think young women don't see it as a worldview. They just see that as kind of life. So they interpret everything through this therapeutic lens. So their lives, their relationships, their emotions. And I think it has elevated to the level of religion.

But in recent years, since social media, I would say therapy culture has just escalated to the point where I think young women don't see it as a worldview. They just see that as kind of life. So they interpret everything through this therapeutic lens. So their lives, their relationships, their emotions. And I think it has elevated to the level of religion.

I had loads of people when I started writing about social media loads people would say to me oh but you know young people need social media because it's like a lifeline like they have their online communities and stuff and I'm like that is not a benefit of social media like that's just an absolute indictment of where we are in modern life like why is their community a reddit forum um so we can talk about social media addiction but I think you have to kind of strip it back to what

I had loads of people when I started writing about social media loads people would say to me oh but you know young people need social media because it's like a lifeline like they have their online communities and stuff and I'm like that is not a benefit of social media like that's just an absolute indictment of where we are in modern life like why is their community a reddit forum um so we can talk about social media addiction but I think you have to kind of strip it back to what

why young people are so obsessed with it and what is missing in their actual life.

why young people are so obsessed with it and what is missing in their actual life.

Yeah, because when you meet people who aren't on social media or don't have, like, ridiculously high screen times, they usually have a lot of their needs met in the real world, which just sounds like an obvious thing to say, but... It's true.

Yeah, because when you meet people who aren't on social media or don't have, like, ridiculously high screen times, they usually have a lot of their needs met in the real world, which just sounds like an obvious thing to say, but... It's true.

And I think the more you find yourself in a fulfilling relationship or you're happy with your job, you don't feel as much of a pull to scroll endlessly through TikTok all day. So the fact that young people are spending like six hours a day on their phones is...

And I think the more you find yourself in a fulfilling relationship or you're happy with your job, you don't feel as much of a pull to scroll endlessly through TikTok all day. So the fact that young people are spending like six hours a day on their phones is...

it's not just because social media is addictive it's because there's nothing more addictive in their life or like a reason to stop scrolling through it um and so i think sometimes i can get caught in the trap of like complaining about social media whereas social media is just filling the gap of whatever was stripped away before yeah it's not necessarily that

it's not just because social media is addictive it's because there's nothing more addictive in their life or like a reason to stop scrolling through it um and so i think sometimes i can get caught in the trap of like complaining about social media whereas social media is just filling the gap of whatever was stripped away before yeah it's not necessarily that

Is it because everyone's autistic and no one's going clubbing?

Is it because everyone's autistic and no one's going clubbing?

Oh, there was one about, yeah, like rotting in bed.

Oh, there was one about, yeah, like rotting in bed.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think it was about being a loser and how... It's like an English thing. Again, being a loser has become the way that you introduce yourself and talk about yourself.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think it was about being a loser and how... It's like an English thing. Again, being a loser has become the way that you introduce yourself and talk about yourself.

Yeah, I don't go anywhere. I don't have any interests.

Yeah, I don't go anywhere. I don't have any interests.

Yeah, I... Would ruin my 7 p.m.

Yeah, I... Would ruin my 7 p.m.

I don't know where that's come from, but I think... I think it's probably social anxiety. And then people come up with all of these kind of romantic ways to talk about it. So they're like, oh, I'm just an introvert who enjoys my own time or I'm like working on this big thing so I can't go out clubbing and stuff. And they build their identity around something which would justify not going out.

I don't know where that's come from, but I think... I think it's probably social anxiety. And then people come up with all of these kind of romantic ways to talk about it. So they're like, oh, I'm just an introvert who enjoys my own time or I'm like working on this big thing so I can't go out clubbing and stuff. And they build their identity around something which would justify not going out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I read an article the other day that made me want to kill myself. It was about soft launching your boyfriend on Instagram.

I read an article the other day that made me want to kill myself. It was about soft launching your boyfriend on Instagram.

So it's about telling this young woman wondering how should you announce to your followers, like not influencers, like I'm talking ordinary young women. How should you announce your boyfriend? Should you do a soft launch where it's just like his arm? Or should you do like a full reveal? Yeah. But it's kind of messed up because it's like, this is like introducing a brand deal or something.

So it's about telling this young woman wondering how should you announce to your followers, like not influencers, like I'm talking ordinary young women. How should you announce your boyfriend? Should you do a soft launch where it's just like his arm? Or should you do like a full reveal? Yeah. But it's kind of messed up because it's like, this is like introducing a brand deal or something.

Like literally viewing our partners like products. Yeah.

Like literally viewing our partners like products. Yeah.

Someone said to me the other day, or they commented on my Substack article, like a relationship is now just a brand collaboration, like two personal brands coming together.

Someone said to me the other day, or they commented on my Substack article, like a relationship is now just a brand collaboration, like two personal brands coming together.

And then posting it online.

And then posting it online.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, so you have all of that. You have like, how do you manage the relationship on social media? But then you also have how social media affects the relationship. So like the boyfriends of Instagram thing. Like it's kind of funny that boyfriends, you know, when you see like a guy literally on the floor trying to get a good angle of the girl in.

Yeah. Well, so you have all of that. You have like, how do you manage the relationship on social media? But then you also have how social media affects the relationship. So like the boyfriends of Instagram thing. Like it's kind of funny that boyfriends, you know, when you see like a guy literally on the floor trying to get a good angle of the girl in.

Well, also, I just always think, who is it for if your boyfriend is right there? Like, it does get to the point where you're like posing in a bikini and your boyfriend's taking the pictures of you. It's like, is this for Instagram? Because I don't know. It's such a strange thing that's become so normalized.

Well, also, I just always think, who is it for if your boyfriend is right there? Like, it does get to the point where you're like posing in a bikini and your boyfriend's taking the pictures of you. It's like, is this for Instagram? Because I don't know. It's such a strange thing that's become so normalized.

Yeah, there was a picture of like three girls in bikinis and three guys all on the same beach, all taking pictures of their girlfriend. And people were defending it like, oh, they're allowed to have memories. Like what a memory of you in a bikini. But I actually, I don't think they're lying. I think that's just how normalized it's become.

Yeah, there was a picture of like three girls in bikinis and three guys all on the same beach, all taking pictures of their girlfriend. And people were defending it like, oh, they're allowed to have memories. Like what a memory of you in a bikini. But I actually, I don't think they're lying. I think that's just how normalized it's become.

It's like, well, obviously, if you go to the beach, you do a photo shoot. And I always try and express that to people. Like, you think of an influencer and how her income depends on taking pictures and everything. Everywhere she goes, she has to get content. Ordinary women think like that now.

It's like, well, obviously, if you go to the beach, you do a photo shoot. And I always try and express that to people. Like, you think of an influencer and how her income depends on taking pictures and everything. Everywhere she goes, she has to get content. Ordinary women think like that now.

Most people have it in the back of their mind, I should be getting a social media picture or this is a good moment or this landscape would get really good clicks. That's how they think. And I don't think some older people realize that young girls are behaving and thinking like their influencers all the time.

Most people have it in the back of their mind, I should be getting a social media picture or this is a good moment or this landscape would get really good clicks. That's how they think. And I don't think some older people realize that young girls are behaving and thinking like their influencers all the time.

I think a part of it is that, but I think another part is they started doing this when their brains were forming as young girls. They started capturing their life as they went. And I don't think they can conceive of just living and existing.

I think a part of it is that, but I think another part is they started doing this when their brains were forming as young girls. They started capturing their life as they went. And I don't think they can conceive of just living and existing.

I really think it's that ingrained of like their entire childhood was having a childhood, but also performing and marketing and managing it all at the same time. And then like when you try and get out of it, like when I deleted Instagram years ago, that lingering was still in my head of like, maybe I should share this online or maybe this could be a good photo opportunity.

I really think it's that ingrained of like their entire childhood was having a childhood, but also performing and marketing and managing it all at the same time. And then like when you try and get out of it, like when I deleted Instagram years ago, that lingering was still in my head of like, maybe I should share this online or maybe this could be a good photo opportunity.

And it's really hard to not kind of unwire that. Yeah. And now if I go to an event and I don't take a picture, young women I'm friends with will be kind of confused. Like I said, I've been on holiday and I have no evidence of it. It's confusing to them because that is... It's suspicious about whether or not you actually went on the holiday. Yeah, it's kind of weird.

And it's really hard to not kind of unwire that. Yeah. And now if I go to an event and I don't take a picture, young women I'm friends with will be kind of confused. Like I said, I've been on holiday and I have no evidence of it. It's confusing to them because that is... It's suspicious about whether or not you actually went on the holiday. Yeah, it's kind of weird.

And I think there are genuinely young people who go on holiday to get pictures.

And I think there are genuinely young people who go on holiday to get pictures.

Who even get in relationships for the photos and who are quietly living their life for Instagram pictures.

Who even get in relationships for the photos and who are quietly living their life for Instagram pictures.

I think it's linked to what I was saying about, yeah, looking for relationship guidance. It's like, well, you look at something like mental health TikTok, people are sharing like their really deep trauma and turmoil and problems. And you can't help but look at it and think, are you close to your family? Like, this is the kind of thing that you talk about with your family.

I think it's linked to what I was saying about, yeah, looking for relationship guidance. It's like, well, you look at something like mental health TikTok, people are sharing like their really deep trauma and turmoil and problems. And you can't help but look at it and think, are you close to your family? Like, this is the kind of thing that you talk about with your family.

It's what your family is there for. And now you're telling strangers on TikTok. And then you look at the statistics of the amount of Gen Z who aren't living with both their mother and father. I think in the UK, it's over half of children by 14 don't live with their mum and dad. And so they don't have a feeling of belonging at home.

It's what your family is there for. And now you're telling strangers on TikTok. And then you look at the statistics of the amount of Gen Z who aren't living with both their mother and father. I think in the UK, it's over half of children by 14 don't live with their mum and dad. And so they don't have a feeling of belonging at home.

And then you stretch that out to they don't have any sense of community. Their community is a Reddit forum or Instagram. Like I, growing up, had no sense of what a local community is or like neighbours knowing each other. It's just, it's really foreign to me. And I think a lot of Gen Z, they don't have a conception of it beyond like an online community or like the LGBT community or something.

And then you stretch that out to they don't have any sense of community. Their community is a Reddit forum or Instagram. Like I, growing up, had no sense of what a local community is or like neighbours knowing each other. It's just, it's really foreign to me. And I think a lot of Gen Z, they don't have a conception of it beyond like an online community or like the LGBT community or something.

That is the limit of...

That is the limit of...

community they know so their family falls apart there's nothing really to catch them there's no neighborhood of adults who are there um then you add that they're becoming less religious they don't feel that they belong to anything bigger than that they have no faith in anything bigger um and so the feeling of loneliness is just so intense um and i was writing recently about how i think that

community they know so their family falls apart there's nothing really to catch them there's no neighborhood of adults who are there um then you add that they're becoming less religious they don't feel that they belong to anything bigger than that they have no faith in anything bigger um and so the feeling of loneliness is just so intense um and i was writing recently about how i think that

actually one of the biggest drivers of behavior we see among Gen Z is this abandonment fear and feeling because their families fell apart because they don't have community because they don't belong to anything bigger they feel constantly alone and if you look at the kind of symptoms of abandonment if you look at like attachment theory like real attachment theory

actually one of the biggest drivers of behavior we see among Gen Z is this abandonment fear and feeling because their families fell apart because they don't have community because they don't belong to anything bigger they feel constantly alone and if you look at the kind of symptoms of abandonment if you look at like attachment theory like real attachment theory

not the TikToks, but the, like, Mary Ainsworth studies and everything, it shows, like, people who are abandoned, they're really hypersensitive to criticism, they have very low body image and self-esteem. All of the kind of caricature of Gen Z, all of the traits are, like, to do with this feeling of not belonging anywhere.

not the TikToks, but the, like, Mary Ainsworth studies and everything, it shows, like, people who are abandoned, they're really hypersensitive to criticism, they have very low body image and self-esteem. All of the kind of caricature of Gen Z, all of the traits are, like, to do with this feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Yeah, well, I used to think, and I think a lot of people think therapy culture is particularly bad for men because it kind of has a female approach to problems and it's about, you know, ruminating. And often it's like, if you don't have a female response, there's something wrong with you. It's kind of a red flag if you don't go to therapy.

Yeah, well, I used to think, and I think a lot of people think therapy culture is particularly bad for men because it kind of has a female approach to problems and it's about, you know, ruminating. And often it's like, if you don't have a female response, there's something wrong with you. It's kind of a red flag if you don't go to therapy.

Um, so not, not to say that it explains everything, but I think families breaking down and not having a sense of belonging really messes people up. And I think a lot of Gen Z are kind of carrying that around and then looking for it in places.

Um, so not, not to say that it explains everything, but I think families breaking down and not having a sense of belonging really messes people up. And I think a lot of Gen Z are kind of carrying that around and then looking for it in places.

So that obviously they're going to spend hours on TikTok where people are talking to them and talking about their problems because they don't have anything resembling that in real life. Um, And so, yeah, I think a lot of the things we kind of laugh at young people for as being kind of narcissistic and I guess selfish and kind of we cringe at them having these crazy screen times.

So that obviously they're going to spend hours on TikTok where people are talking to them and talking about their problems because they don't have anything resembling that in real life. Um, And so, yeah, I think a lot of the things we kind of laugh at young people for as being kind of narcissistic and I guess selfish and kind of we cringe at them having these crazy screen times.

It's like, what else is there?

It's like, what else is there?

Yeah, I think in the modern world, like adults, they view everything as like imposing on their children. So we kind of became suspicious of anyone who's authoritative. So we think they're being controlling or like old fashioned. So adults kind of politely stepped back and kind of allow children just to become themselves and act the way they want.

Yeah, I think in the modern world, like adults, they view everything as like imposing on their children. So we kind of became suspicious of anyone who's authoritative. So we think they're being controlling or like old fashioned. So adults kind of politely stepped back and kind of allow children just to become themselves and act the way they want.

Yeah. And, you know, there's obviously an element of that that's important in parenting. But I think what happened is parents stepped back. So they just became like our best friends. Then religion retreated away from public life. Then communities broke down. Neighbors stopped knowing each other. And then if you're an anxious young person, there's no one there. And...

Yeah. And, you know, there's obviously an element of that that's important in parenting. But I think what happened is parents stepped back. So they just became like our best friends. Then religion retreated away from public life. Then communities broke down. Neighbors stopped knowing each other. And then if you're an anxious young person, there's no one there. And...

we got rid of anything that was like more substantial guidance so I think if you think of therapy culture today a lot of people think oh if you're an anxious young person you have more advice than ever like you have all this guidance but I actually think modern culture has very little to say to anxious young people because we got rid of anything more substantial because we thought it was judgmental so you can't tell someone how to live their life or what to do

we got rid of anything that was like more substantial guidance so I think if you think of therapy culture today a lot of people think oh if you're an anxious young person you have more advice than ever like you have all this guidance but I actually think modern culture has very little to say to anxious young people because we got rid of anything more substantial because we thought it was judgmental so you can't tell someone how to live their life or what to do

We got rid of anything to do with God or religion because that was superstitious. We stopped appealing to moral character and telling them they should improve themselves and be better because that's also judgmental and, you know, claiming that there's a right and wrong. And all that we have left is like these endless empty platitudes of be yourself, you do you, you know best.

We got rid of anything to do with God or religion because that was superstitious. We stopped appealing to moral character and telling them they should improve themselves and be better because that's also judgmental and, you know, claiming that there's a right and wrong. And all that we have left is like these endless empty platitudes of be yourself, you do you, you know best.

You know, adults telling that to young people who... I think are craving some direction. Like there's no clear milestones to adulthood anymore to follow. And so they look to the adults and the adults are saying, you know best. And of course you feel anxious. The anxiety gets worse.

You know, adults telling that to young people who... I think are craving some direction. Like there's no clear milestones to adulthood anymore to follow. And so they look to the adults and the adults are saying, you know best. And of course you feel anxious. The anxiety gets worse.

But I actually changed my mind on that and I actually think therapy culture is worse for women because women ruminate more. They co-ruminate more.

But I actually changed my mind on that and I actually think therapy culture is worse for women because women ruminate more. They co-ruminate more.

But then it becomes someone who doesn't know you. So let's say you have a relationship problem, like you're a young woman who has met someone and you're not sure about him. The average young woman will now go on YouTube and turn to the dating experts and the attachment style. And get the guidance from experts because they don't have adults in their lives who know them intimately.

But then it becomes someone who doesn't know you. So let's say you have a relationship problem, like you're a young woman who has met someone and you're not sure about him. The average young woman will now go on YouTube and turn to the dating experts and the attachment style. And get the guidance from experts because they don't have adults in their lives who know them intimately.

Because people are different. People need different advice in different situations. And I think it's a real shame that

Because people are different. People need different advice in different situations. And I think it's a real shame that

adults who kind of intimately know girls and young women and can give them advice in like a community setting have stepped back and now of course they're all on TikTok asking each other like oh you know he cheated on me is this a problem because we weren't exclusive is that a red flag and it's like we need some adults in our lives who clearly say I think this person is bad for you and I suppose everything it's great that we have

adults who kind of intimately know girls and young women and can give them advice in like a community setting have stepped back and now of course they're all on TikTok asking each other like oh you know he cheated on me is this a problem because we weren't exclusive is that a red flag and it's like we need some adults in our lives who clearly say I think this person is bad for you and I suppose everything it's great that we have

Yeah, if you think of an anxious young 14-year-old girl, the worst thing you can tell her is to go further into her own head to get relief and to think more about her problems and to kind of search her life for symptoms. If you told me that at 14, it's the worst thing I could have heard.

Yeah, if you think of an anxious young 14-year-old girl, the worst thing you can tell her is to go further into her own head to get relief and to think more about her problems and to kind of search her life for symptoms. If you told me that at 14, it's the worst thing I could have heard.

And your mom isn't trying to get views on TikTok.

And your mom isn't trying to get views on TikTok.

She doesn't need to exaggerate and kind of keep you looking at her channel. You know, I think that's the problem is there are genuine experts who can help, but they are also subject to the kind of pressures of the algorithm a lot of the time. And so they're kind of,

She doesn't need to exaggerate and kind of keep you looking at her channel. You know, I think that's the problem is there are genuine experts who can help, but they are also subject to the kind of pressures of the algorithm a lot of the time. And so they're kind of,

I guess, dumbing down what they're saying or presenting symptoms of autism as vague as possible to try and so as many girls relate to it as possible.

I guess, dumbing down what they're saying or presenting symptoms of autism as vague as possible to try and so as many girls relate to it as possible.

Yeah, I think, again, from all different angles. So it's like the mental health stuff, obviously, you will feel better alone in some ways because you don't have someone challenging you. You know, if you do actually have problems from your childhood to do with, say, your parents, I don't want to say an attachment problem, but...

Yeah, I think, again, from all different angles. So it's like the mental health stuff, obviously, you will feel better alone in some ways because you don't have someone challenging you. You know, if you do actually have problems from your childhood to do with, say, your parents, I don't want to say an attachment problem, but...

It is an attachment problem, just the wording has been completely ruined. But if you do have that, you kind of need to be with someone to work on it. Because if you're single, you're going to feel great. Because there's no one kind of triggering you and making you feel anxious and abandoned.

It is an attachment problem, just the wording has been completely ruined. But if you do have that, you kind of need to be with someone to work on it. Because if you're single, you're going to feel great. Because there's no one kind of triggering you and making you feel anxious and abandoned.

um so you do need someone in your life in in that scenario um so yeah loneliness then does seem like it's extremely attractive because you feel better when you're alone the same with the productivity stuff i think it's just the message that's missing for both young women and young men is like it's actually okay to depend on someone and to need other people like humans have always needed other people and define themselves by

um so you do need someone in your life in in that scenario um so yeah loneliness then does seem like it's extremely attractive because you feel better when you're alone the same with the productivity stuff i think it's just the message that's missing for both young women and young men is like it's actually okay to depend on someone and to need other people like humans have always needed other people and define themselves by

their ties and obligations to other people and now we're kind of like no you can you can be self-sufficient enough and driven enough and healed enough that you're okay alone and i think that's really quite a strong message for young young women here which is like the worst thing you can be is needy like do not ever need someone and the worst situation for you is to end up with a guy that you need like that's just you need to avoid that all costs and it's

their ties and obligations to other people and now we're kind of like no you can you can be self-sufficient enough and driven enough and healed enough that you're okay alone and i think that's really quite a strong message for young young women here which is like the worst thing you can be is needy like do not ever need someone and the worst situation for you is to end up with a guy that you need like that's just you need to avoid that all costs and it's

So I actually think maybe some men do need to do that a little bit more, but the average young girl needs to kind of cut out.

So I actually think maybe some men do need to do that a little bit more, but the average young girl needs to kind of cut out.

It's a really sad message because it's like, is that not love to need someone and they need you? And it's kind of a beautiful thing to rely on someone and have someone who's dependent on you. And actually, a lot of the actual attachment research shows that. Have you heard of the dependency paradox?

It's a really sad message because it's like, is that not love to need someone and they need you? And it's kind of a beautiful thing to rely on someone and have someone who's dependent on you. And actually, a lot of the actual attachment research shows that. Have you heard of the dependency paradox?

um that couples who are more dependent on each other become more independent in their lives so there was like studies showing that um i think they got couples to do like games or puzzles and then they had to fill out a survey of you know how much do you respond to your partner's needs um basically how dependent are you on each other and the ones that were more dependent um

um that couples who are more dependent on each other become more independent in their lives so there was like studies showing that um i think they got couples to do like games or puzzles and then they had to fill out a survey of you know how much do you respond to your partner's needs um basically how dependent are you on each other and the ones that were more dependent um

didn't want to hear like, I think it was the clues or the answers from their partner. They wanted to do it independently. And then they followed up and they found that the couples more dependent on each other had met their independent goals six months down the line.

didn't want to hear like, I think it was the clues or the answers from their partner. They wanted to do it independently. And then they followed up and they found that the couples more dependent on each other had met their independent goals six months down the line.

Because it's like the original Mary Ainsworth experiments where the caregiver leaves and they kind of measure how the child responds. You need like a stable, secure relationship to feel confident to go and explore the world. You need to have like something to hold on to, to step off.

Because it's like the original Mary Ainsworth experiments where the caregiver leaves and they kind of measure how the child responds. You need like a stable, secure relationship to feel confident to go and explore the world. You need to have like something to hold on to, to step off.

Yeah, you need like something to fall back on. And I think that's a big reason why Gen Z are incredibly risk-averse and not resilient is because we don't actually have a foundation to fall back on. So if your parents are divorced and you don't feel that sense of belonging, you're not going to step off into the chaos of the world.

Yeah, you need like something to fall back on. And I think that's a big reason why Gen Z are incredibly risk-averse and not resilient is because we don't actually have a foundation to fall back on. So if your parents are divorced and you don't feel that sense of belonging, you're not going to step off into the chaos of the world.

You're going to hold back and you're going to find relationships threatening. You're going to find words traumatic. You're going to be scared by it because...

You're going to hold back and you're going to find relationships threatening. You're going to find words traumatic. You're going to be scared by it because...

Well, I think it's real that obviously your childhood impacts your adult life. I think that's just plain to see. Yeah. And I think it's real that you can kind of play that out in relationships that aren't, you know, so however your parents responded to you, you'll then take that into an adult relationship. That seems very obvious.

Well, I think it's real that obviously your childhood impacts your adult life. I think that's just plain to see. Yeah. And I think it's real that you can kind of play that out in relationships that aren't, you know, so however your parents responded to you, you'll then take that into an adult relationship. That seems very obvious.

Yeah, I think it's a form of control. So it's like, it's our version of control. You know, if we feel uncomfortable or feel an uneasy emotion, we're just like, I'm going to categorize that and diagnose it. You know, that's my attachment disorder or that's my depression disorder.

Yeah, I think it's a form of control. So it's like, it's our version of control. You know, if we feel uncomfortable or feel an uneasy emotion, we're just like, I'm going to categorize that and diagnose it. You know, that's my attachment disorder or that's my depression disorder.

But I think where people go wrong now is they forget that, like in the original attachment experiments and the book Attached, it's quite clear that it's not a bad thing to depend on someone and it's not a bad thing to be attached to. Like we are wired to be that way. Whereas I think now where it's going online, it's like you have a problem if you're attached.

But I think where people go wrong now is they forget that, like in the original attachment experiments and the book Attached, it's quite clear that it's not a bad thing to depend on someone and it's not a bad thing to be attached to. Like we are wired to be that way. Whereas I think now where it's going online, it's like you have a problem if you're attached.

Oh, I think it's a lot of things. I do think this is kind of a cliche thing to say now, but I do think therapy culture has replaced religion. And that's not a new thing to say. People have been saying that for a long time. So Christopher Lash was writing about that in the 70s. Frank Ferudy writes about it really well now.

Oh, I think it's a lot of things. I do think this is kind of a cliche thing to say now, but I do think therapy culture has replaced religion. And that's not a new thing to say. People have been saying that for a long time. So Christopher Lash was writing about that in the 70s. Frank Ferudy writes about it really well now.

Like if you're a young woman who kind of dreams of having a romantic relationship and really wants to depend on someone, now we view you as like weak. There's something wrong with you if that's your ultimate goal. Because we've had it drilled in so much that dependence is a problem. Yeah.

Like if you're a young woman who kind of dreams of having a romantic relationship and really wants to depend on someone, now we view you as like weak. There's something wrong with you if that's your ultimate goal. Because we've had it drilled in so much that dependence is a problem. Yeah.

And so you see all these people online saying things like, oh, you know, I'm anxiously attached because when my partner feels sad, I also feel sad. It's like, isn't that just like loving someone? You know, you are affected by their emotions. Or they'll say things again like, oh, I always put their needs first. So can you train me out of being like a people pleaser?

And so you see all these people online saying things like, oh, you know, I'm anxiously attached because when my partner feels sad, I also feel sad. It's like, isn't that just like loving someone? You know, you are affected by their emotions. Or they'll say things again like, oh, I always put their needs first. So can you train me out of being like a people pleaser?

And it's like, we used to just call that love. And, you know, that was a trait that we treasured in people, people who put their partner's needs first.

And it's like, we used to just call that love. And, you know, that was a trait that we treasured in people, people who put their partner's needs first.

And obviously that can go too far, but I think the problem is now we only pathologize dependence and we glamorize independence. And we never say, yeah, that being dependent on someone, having a long-term relationship doesn't mean that you lose yourself. You can actually find yourself through that.

And obviously that can go too far, but I think the problem is now we only pathologize dependence and we glamorize independence. And we never say, yeah, that being dependent on someone, having a long-term relationship doesn't mean that you lose yourself. You can actually find yourself through that.

But I think girls in particular, young women in particular, have just been told, yeah, the worst thing in your life is to need someone. Yeah.

But I think girls in particular, young women in particular, have just been told, yeah, the worst thing in your life is to need someone. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's where it comes from. And that's why it's especially tragic because you have a lot of young women, for example, whose families fell apart. And then they grew up thinking, well, I just want to have that myself. I want to have a loving relationship and a family.

Yeah, I think that's where it comes from. And that's why it's especially tragic because you have a lot of young women, for example, whose families fell apart. And then they grew up thinking, well, I just want to have that myself. I want to have a loving relationship and a family.

And then they kind of get told, whether it's through therapy culture or some of the feminist stuff online, you kind of implicitly get told that's a problem.

And then they kind of get told, whether it's through therapy culture or some of the feminist stuff online, you kind of implicitly get told that's a problem.

like if you again if your dream is to depend on someone you should work on yourself you need to work on your self-love you need to believe in yourself more you need to be healed alone and um you think of like a normal thinking feeling young girl of course she wants to be in a romantic relationship and of course she wants to depend on someone in some way it's completely natural but

like if you again if your dream is to depend on someone you should work on yourself you need to work on your self-love you need to believe in yourself more you need to be healed alone and um you think of like a normal thinking feeling young girl of course she wants to be in a romantic relationship and of course she wants to depend on someone in some way it's completely natural but

Um, but I think you have young women thinking, oh, I need to get to a position where I'm confident, completely confident alone. I'm healed alone. I don't have any anxiety. Um, then I can allow a partner in, but I don't see that as the way that people operate.

Um, but I think you have young women thinking, oh, I need to get to a position where I'm confident, completely confident alone. I'm healed alone. I don't have any anxiety. Um, then I can allow a partner in, but I don't see that as the way that people operate.

um and i think men do that kind they have their own kind of self-optimization trends and the gym stuff where that can become like a form of control um to deal with kind of uneasy emotions and i think yeah this is the woman's version of that it's like we can't sit with it or just accept like a painful situation so i often think about

um and i think men do that kind they have their own kind of self-optimization trends and the gym stuff where that can become like a form of control um to deal with kind of uneasy emotions and i think yeah this is the woman's version of that it's like we can't sit with it or just accept like a painful situation so i often think about

Um, and I think there's a lot of girls now punishing themselves for being emotional and sensitive and wanting a partner and wanting to depend on someone. Because now the image of a strong independent woman is someone who doesn't depend on anyone and who doesn't get emotional, doesn't get jealous, doesn't care.

Um, and I think there's a lot of girls now punishing themselves for being emotional and sensitive and wanting a partner and wanting to depend on someone. Because now the image of a strong independent woman is someone who doesn't depend on anyone and who doesn't get emotional, doesn't get jealous, doesn't care.

And so you also have two contradictory messages because you have therapy culture saying to girls, open up more and more about your problems, you know, be more emotional, tell everyone how you feel. But then you also have strong independent women don't care.

And so you also have two contradictory messages because you have therapy culture saying to girls, open up more and more about your problems, you know, be more emotional, tell everyone how you feel. But then you also have strong independent women don't care.

you know they never get emotional and if they do get an emotional it's trauma or an attachment issue and it's like that's a really cruel thing to teach emotional young girls and confusing because it's like of course they feel that way because they're human but now they're being told that that's yeah a medical issue or something that they should heal

you know they never get emotional and if they do get an emotional it's trauma or an attachment issue and it's like that's a really cruel thing to teach emotional young girls and confusing because it's like of course they feel that way because they're human but now they're being told that that's yeah a medical issue or something that they should heal

Well, I think that's, again, a lack of adults stepping in. I have this theory I've been thinking about of, like, everyone just accepts now that parents are overprotective. So there's, like, the helicopter parenting and the coddling of Gen Z. Yeah. But I think like parents are weirdly, they're not protective enough, but they're also coddling.

Well, I think that's, again, a lack of adults stepping in. I have this theory I've been thinking about of, like, everyone just accepts now that parents are overprotective. So there's, like, the helicopter parenting and the coddling of Gen Z. Yeah. But I think like parents are weirdly, they're not protective enough, but they're also coddling.

So they're like coddle their children, but not put up proper boundaries or guardrails. There's like no rules, but they're over-involved.

So they're like coddle their children, but not put up proper boundaries or guardrails. There's like no rules, but they're over-involved.

So now it's like the only danger is like physical danger. It's injury. So parents protect from injury, but they don't protect from something like... their daughters being online and posting, trying to get on OnlyFans. I mean, Jonathan Haidt talks about it when he says kids are overprotective in the real world and underprotected online.

So now it's like the only danger is like physical danger. It's injury. So parents protect from injury, but they don't protect from something like... their daughters being online and posting, trying to get on OnlyFans. I mean, Jonathan Haidt talks about it when he says kids are overprotective in the real world and underprotected online.

But I think it's slightly more than that because I don't think parents are totally protective in the real world because they, again, they've also, I think, kind of internalized this messaging of I shouldn't get involved. You know, it's not my place.

But I think it's slightly more than that because I don't think parents are totally protective in the real world because they, again, they've also, I think, kind of internalized this messaging of I shouldn't get involved. You know, it's not my place.

you know you think of dads now I think dads are less protective than they've ever been because they they can't care about what their daughter wears or where she goes or who she dates because that would be backward you know it's her right to do that but then you look around and you see girls doing that you see um girls like selling themselves online to strangers and

you know you think of dads now I think dads are less protective than they've ever been because they they can't care about what their daughter wears or where she goes or who she dates because that would be backward you know it's her right to do that but then you look around and you see girls doing that you see um girls like selling themselves online to strangers and

And I think what has accidentally happened is feminism pushed this idea of like, girls and boys are just as strong as each other. And then that led to people thinking, oh, so they don't need, girls don't need extra protection, which killed chivalry, but also killed fathers actually protecting girls. Because the problem is not like women are weak, it's that girls are vulnerable, right?

And I think what has accidentally happened is feminism pushed this idea of like, girls and boys are just as strong as each other. And then that led to people thinking, oh, so they don't need, girls don't need extra protection, which killed chivalry, but also killed fathers actually protecting girls. Because the problem is not like women are weak, it's that girls are vulnerable, right?

But now we think, oh, we should all step back, let girls do what they want. A lot of baby went out with bathwater. Yeah.

But now we think, oh, we should all step back, let girls do what they want. A lot of baby went out with bathwater. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we killed good authority. We just killed all authority. And so now you have young women demanding that their universities protect them and demanding that the government step in and staring at someone becomes harassment on the tube. Because we degraded the authority of men they trust, like good men and hopefully like their fathers and brothers.

Yeah. Well, we killed good authority. We just killed all authority. And so now you have young women demanding that their universities protect them and demanding that the government step in and staring at someone becomes harassment on the tube. Because we degraded the authority of men they trust, like good men and hopefully like their fathers and brothers.

So if you look at these kind of attachment style forums or girls talking about their attachment styles, very often they'll describe just a bad relationship and then they'll say, oh, it's my attachment disorder. So they'll be like, he cheated on me and I can't get over it because of my anxious attachment. And it's like...

So if you look at these kind of attachment style forums or girls talking about their attachment styles, very often they'll describe just a bad relationship and then they'll say, oh, it's my attachment disorder. So they'll be like, he cheated on me and I can't get over it because of my anxious attachment. And it's like...

And we just said, oh, all kind of protection is patronizing and we don't need it. But then you leave girls completely vulnerable and looking coddled and loved, but actually completely unprotected. Right.

And we just said, oh, all kind of protection is patronizing and we don't need it. But then you leave girls completely vulnerable and looking coddled and loved, but actually completely unprotected. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can't remember where it was, but there was this scheme some young women ran on a train where they had these cards. I don't know if you saw it, where it said, like, I'm being harassed right now. But you hand it to someone. And so you could go into, I think it was like the tube station, you could go in and ask for the cards. And yeah, it's like someone is harassing me.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can't remember where it was, but there was this scheme some young women ran on a train where they had these cards. I don't know if you saw it, where it said, like, I'm being harassed right now. But you hand it to someone. And so you could go into, I think it was like the tube station, you could go in and ask for the cards. And yeah, it's like someone is harassing me.

Yeah, there was all different ones. I can't remember what they were. But it's like, in that situation, what is that going to do? And that is actually the patronizing thing. And to expect that to protect girls is... But we find it offensive if a man steps forward and tries to help a girl out.

Yeah, there was all different ones. I can't remember what they were. But it's like, in that situation, what is that going to do? And that is actually the patronizing thing. And to expect that to protect girls is... But we find it offensive if a man steps forward and tries to help a girl out.

I think we've just thrown it all out and forgotten that part of the feminist message is right, that girls are vulnerable. But unfortunately, it has led to a situation where we're like, oh, vulnerability means weakness, so they don't need protecting.

I think we've just thrown it all out and forgotten that part of the feminist message is right, that girls are vulnerable. But unfortunately, it has led to a situation where we're like, oh, vulnerability means weakness, so they don't need protecting.

Yeah, I think it's a status thing. I think... Girls are now growing up with influencers being their aspirational figures, as we said. I think it's something like 70% of Gen Z girls aspire to be influencers or just Gen Z in general.

Yeah, I think it's a status thing. I think... Girls are now growing up with influencers being their aspirational figures, as we said. I think it's something like 70% of Gen Z girls aspire to be influencers or just Gen Z in general.

Okay. But if you look at influencers over the years... They've evolved dramatically. So like when I was 13, I would be watching like Zoella or someone who's really wholesome and didn't really have the same incentives of the algorithms back in the day, didn't really have the same competition skills. Certainly didn't have like monetization of her content.

Okay. But if you look at influencers over the years... They've evolved dramatically. So like when I was 13, I would be watching like Zoella or someone who's really wholesome and didn't really have the same incentives of the algorithms back in the day, didn't really have the same competition skills. Certainly didn't have like monetization of her content.

So she wasn't kind of exposing herself or talking about these weird therapy trends or anything like that. You can just gradually see over the years how it's escalated.

So she wasn't kind of exposing herself or talking about these weird therapy trends or anything like that. You can just gradually see over the years how it's escalated.

who are some of the more extreme zoella equivalents now or if you don't want to throw names out you can come up with i can throw a name yeah yeah throw them out the woman tana mongeau yeah so she's like a really popular influencer who talks about only fans like it's Like there's nothing dangerous about it for young girls or nothing to be worried about.

who are some of the more extreme zoella equivalents now or if you don't want to throw names out you can come up with i can throw a name yeah yeah throw them out the woman tana mongeau yeah so she's like a really popular influencer who talks about only fans like it's Like there's nothing dangerous about it for young girls or nothing to be worried about.

It's so sad because they're actually losing the language to talk about the actual problem that they're facing because they're trying to get control. Because it's a lot easier to be like, oh, you know, I'm anxious or he's avoidant than we have a terrible relationship and I've just wasted four years with someone. You get the control through the therapy culture.

It's so sad because they're actually losing the language to talk about the actual problem that they're facing because they're trying to get control. Because it's a lot easier to be like, oh, you know, I'm anxious or he's avoidant than we have a terrible relationship and I've just wasted four years with someone. You get the control through the therapy culture.

And she has an audience of very young teens, probably pre-teens. And she'll just post with all the things she's earned from OnlyFans. So all of like the designer bags and stuff. And on her podcast, she'll talk about being on OnlyFans. And I think talking about commodifying yourself like it's completely normal is, That is what girls are growing up with.

And she has an audience of very young teens, probably pre-teens. And she'll just post with all the things she's earned from OnlyFans. So all of like the designer bags and stuff. And on her podcast, she'll talk about being on OnlyFans. And I think talking about commodifying yourself like it's completely normal is, That is what girls are growing up with.

So they're seeing influencers commodify themselves in general, but then commodifying their body. And also having the nerve to call that empowering.

So they're seeing influencers commodify themselves in general, but then commodifying their body. And also having the nerve to call that empowering.

No. Well, how can it be empowering to, even on Instagram, offer your body for judgment and then put your self-worth into the ranks and reviews that strangers give you? You're turning yourself into a product, effectively. So this talk of objectifying young women, you know, that is turning yourself into an object on display. Yeah. Which I think is quite clear to anyone who's not grown up with it.

No. Well, how can it be empowering to, even on Instagram, offer your body for judgment and then put your self-worth into the ranks and reviews that strangers give you? You're turning yourself into a product, effectively. So this talk of objectifying young women, you know, that is turning yourself into an object on display. Yeah. Which I think is quite clear to anyone who's not grown up with it.

But I don't judge the ordinary young woman for thinking that's attractive because that has been her role models throughout growing up. And it's escalated slowly. So it went from Zoella to now OnlyFans.

But I don't judge the ordinary young woman for thinking that's attractive because that has been her role models throughout growing up. And it's escalated slowly. So it went from Zoella to now OnlyFans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think young women react to the very worst traits of some men by thinking, I'll just do it back and that will give me the power. So they're like, maybe they've had a string of relationships where the guy has kind of slept with them and then left or something. And then they think, yeah, I'll just do that to the next guy.

I think young women react to the very worst traits of some men by thinking, I'll just do it back and that will give me the power. So they're like, maybe they've had a string of relationships where the guy has kind of slept with them and then left or something. And then they think, yeah, I'll just do that to the next guy.

So that's where I see it becoming a danger to girls and young women.

So that's where I see it becoming a danger to girls and young women.

Or, you know, they look at the men doing that and think, well, they seem very confident and happy. So that's the way to go. I think it's like a defense mechanism of some kind. And also, I think they're probably also the traits that get you popularity online sometimes.

Or, you know, they look at the men doing that and think, well, they seem very confident and happy. So that's the way to go. I think it's like a defense mechanism of some kind. And also, I think they're probably also the traits that get you popularity online sometimes.

So if you look at Tana Mongeau or some of these influencers, they are promiscuous, they're quite masculine, they're quite aggressive in their speech because people who talk assertively and in extreme ways will just suit the algorithm. You know, if you're like a reserved, timid young girl, you're not going to be the top influencer on Instagram.

So if you look at Tana Mongeau or some of these influencers, they are promiscuous, they're quite masculine, they're quite aggressive in their speech because people who talk assertively and in extreme ways will just suit the algorithm. You know, if you're like a reserved, timid young girl, you're not going to be the top influencer on Instagram.

So I think those traits get rewarded and then they're what girls are scrolling through all day, every day. And they're like, oh, my favorite influencer is really like,

So I think those traits get rewarded and then they're what girls are scrolling through all day, every day. And they're like, oh, my favorite influencer is really like,

vulgar and promiscuous and she's super assertive that's the path to success yeah and that's again that's the model of like the healed confident woman who's not held back by negative emotion or worry or jealousy or any of these things assertiveness is confused for self-assuredness or wholeness completeness fixedness well also promiscuity is like

vulgar and promiscuous and she's super assertive that's the path to success yeah and that's again that's the model of like the healed confident woman who's not held back by negative emotion or worry or jealousy or any of these things assertiveness is confused for self-assuredness or wholeness completeness fixedness well also promiscuity is like

Well, I often think now, if you're like a reserved young woman who's modest, you're now shamed. Maybe not explicitly, but implicitly, people will think there's something wrong with you because they'll be like, Oh, no, you are beautiful. You shouldn't be so shy about guys. You shouldn't worry about sex. It's fine. People will reassure her now.

Well, I often think now, if you're like a reserved young woman who's modest, you're now shamed. Maybe not explicitly, but implicitly, people will think there's something wrong with you because they'll be like, Oh, no, you are beautiful. You shouldn't be so shy about guys. You shouldn't worry about sex. It's fine. People will reassure her now.

as to like that look at her as if she has a problem that needs healing rather than she just is modest um and i think that's what tends to happen is you look at promiscuity becomes so popular and normalized and then we stigmatize the girls that aren't interested in that or aren't that way um

as to like that look at her as if she has a problem that needs healing rather than she just is modest um and i think that's what tends to happen is you look at promiscuity becomes so popular and normalized and then we stigmatize the girls that aren't interested in that or aren't that way um

I think if you are a young woman now who holds back in that way, it's kind of like if you're introverted and people come up to you and say, what's wrong? You should speak more. And it's just like, sometimes it's just who you are. So I think... it's the incentives again.

I think if you are a young woman now who holds back in that way, it's kind of like if you're introverted and people come up to you and say, what's wrong? You should speak more. And it's just like, sometimes it's just who you are. So I think... it's the incentives again.

Yeah. So I think for the first time in history, young women are less religious than young men now.

Yeah. So I think for the first time in history, young women are less religious than young men now.

You're almost punished socially if you're modest and shy and, and not super assertive and masculine because people think you've got your like healing work to do. You need to become more confident and like,

You're almost punished socially if you're modest and shy and, and not super assertive and masculine because people think you've got your like healing work to do. You need to become more confident and like,

sexual and like get rid of all your reservations and like repression people think you're just like a repressed person rather than everybody should be tanner mojo whatever yeah like she's she's like released herself of all her kind of traumas and burden everybody is tanner at zero yes and you just need to try and get back there yeah is there a wistfulness for times of the past

sexual and like get rid of all your reservations and like repression people think you're just like a repressed person rather than everybody should be tanner mojo whatever yeah like she's she's like released herself of all her kind of traumas and burden everybody is tanner at zero yes and you just need to try and get back there yeah is there a wistfulness for times of the past

Yeah. But among Gen Z, it's men that are going to church way more than women now. And Jonathan Haidt did some research on this showing that he like presented, he looked at a survey of statements and they were things like, I have no hope in myself. I don't believe, like really self disparaging statements.

Yeah. But among Gen Z, it's men that are going to church way more than women now. And Jonathan Haidt did some research on this showing that he like presented, he looked at a survey of statements and they were things like, I have no hope in myself. I don't believe, like really self disparaging statements.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know there's like crippling anxiety among young women, but also this really loud, I don't care, message. I think young people in general are very nostalgic for a time they haven't known, which is a time before smartphones and social media.

I know there's like crippling anxiety among young women, but also this really loud, I don't care, message. I think young people in general are very nostalgic for a time they haven't known, which is a time before smartphones and social media.

So if you look at like Jonathan Haidt, again, he did a survey recently and found that a lot of Gen Z wish things like TikTok and Instagram never existed before. Which is kind of unusual. You don't really get that with any other inventions. Like he was talking about the bike and the hairdryer. It's really not that level of, I use this all the time and wish that I didn't.

So if you look at like Jonathan Haidt, again, he did a survey recently and found that a lot of Gen Z wish things like TikTok and Instagram never existed before. Which is kind of unusual. You don't really get that with any other inventions. Like he was talking about the bike and the hairdryer. It's really not that level of, I use this all the time and wish that I didn't.

And I think there's a lot of that ambient feeling among Gen Z of like, Longing for a time, for example, when love wasn't like reacting to someone's Instagram story or swiping on Tinder. You know, some young women have never experienced love before it became that. Like the mystery of having a crush on someone and falling in love. Like now you just, you can't wonder what they're up to.

And I think there's a lot of that ambient feeling among Gen Z of like, Longing for a time, for example, when love wasn't like reacting to someone's Instagram story or swiping on Tinder. You know, some young women have never experienced love before it became that. Like the mystery of having a crush on someone and falling in love. Like now you just, you can't wonder what they're up to.

You just kind of skip through their Instagram story or look at their Facebook profile and it's all listed out there. So I think there's a real feeling of disenchantment with the modern world where it's like everything has become so commodified and cheap. And there's like a nostalgia for a time maybe that didn't exist, but everyone tells me the 90s were way better.

You just kind of skip through their Instagram story or look at their Facebook profile and it's all listed out there. So I think there's a real feeling of disenchantment with the modern world where it's like everything has become so commodified and cheap. And there's like a nostalgia for a time maybe that didn't exist, but everyone tells me the 90s were way better.

So I'm just going to assume they're telling the truth. But a time before phones and the internet and the commodification of everything became so extreme.

So I'm just going to assume they're telling the truth. But a time before phones and the internet and the commodification of everything became so extreme.

So you think of all the kind of characteristics of religion, we just mimic them with therapy culture. So instead of praying, we just repeat our positive affirmations. Instead of seeking salvation, you'll go on a healing journey. Instead of resisting temptation from the devil, you'll reframe your intrusive thoughts.

So you think of all the kind of characteristics of religion, we just mimic them with therapy culture. So instead of praying, we just repeat our positive affirmations. Instead of seeking salvation, you'll go on a healing journey. Instead of resisting temptation from the devil, you'll reframe your intrusive thoughts.

because now everything I try and explain to people like the very concept of things has changed so friendship for my generation versus friendship for my parents generation friendship now is like your friends online you maybe have a snap streak that you keep up you pose for each other's instagram uh you don't really necessarily hang out as much as you used to

because now everything I try and explain to people like the very concept of things has changed so friendship for my generation versus friendship for my parents generation friendship now is like your friends online you maybe have a snap streak that you keep up you pose for each other's instagram uh you don't really necessarily hang out as much as you used to

There's not really, again, friends don't give each other guidance or tell each other what to do because that would be rude and toxic. And so the definition of friendship has changed in this era. The definition of love has changed, of flirting, everything. Which is why you can talk about kids being on screens and it's kind of sad, but the actual truth of what's changed is insane.

There's not really, again, friends don't give each other guidance or tell each other what to do because that would be rude and toxic. And so the definition of friendship has changed in this era. The definition of love has changed, of flirting, everything. Which is why you can talk about kids being on screens and it's kind of sad, but the actual truth of what's changed is insane.

And the fact that young people are anxious and can't cope with it.

And the fact that young people are anxious and can't cope with it.

Yeah, and that's kind of why you can't blame them for not giving guidance because the world moves so fast. There's no wisdom anymore. You can't pass anything down. So now you just have to keep up with the kids.

Yeah, and that's kind of why you can't blame them for not giving guidance because the world moves so fast. There's no wisdom anymore. You can't pass anything down. So now you just have to keep up with the kids.

Yeah. And so now you have adults like talking like teenagers and using the same social media platforms, being informed of the new trends, which has always been a thing. But now it feels like adults go to young people regularly. to get guidance about the world. And that makes young people anxious because they're like, where are the adults telling me what to do?

Yeah. And so now you have adults like talking like teenagers and using the same social media platforms, being informed of the new trends, which has always been a thing. But now it feels like adults go to young people regularly. to get guidance about the world. And that makes young people anxious because they're like, where are the adults telling me what to do?

And he found that teenagers without religion agreed with them way stronger than teenagers who were religious and especially who were conservative. And I think there's a couple of reasons for that. I think one is kind of the external locus of control. So conservatives tend to have more control.

And he found that teenagers without religion agreed with them way stronger than teenagers who were religious and especially who were conservative. And I think there's a couple of reasons for that. I think one is kind of the external locus of control. So conservatives tend to have more control.

My sub stack is just freyaindia.co.uk. It's called Girls. And yeah, that's just where I write about girls and young women. And hopefully I'll have a book announcement too.

My sub stack is just freyaindia.co.uk. It's called Girls. And yeah, that's just where I write about girls and young women. And hopefully I'll have a book announcement too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

um of an internal locus of control so they feel more control over things happening in their lives also if you're conservative teenager you're more likely to be living with both parents which i think protects your mental health um and also your parents are more likely to have clearer boundaries with you um which i think is actually very useful for anxiety and depression.

um of an internal locus of control so they feel more control over things happening in their lives also if you're conservative teenager you're more likely to be living with both parents which i think protects your mental health um and also your parents are more likely to have clearer boundaries with you um which i think is actually very useful for anxiety and depression.

So there's different explanations for it. But yeah, it's a worry because young women are becoming less religious and their mental health is also tanking. So there has to be some link there.

So there's different explanations for it. But yeah, it's a worry because young women are becoming less religious and their mental health is also tanking. So there has to be some link there.

Well, therapy culture, I think it probably is getting in the way in a sense because it's kind of the opposite of religion. So if you think of Christianity, it's about dying to yourself, like giving up some of yourself to be part of something bigger, right? Therapy culture is all about going more and more into yourself, discovering yourself and finding your authentic self.

Well, therapy culture, I think it probably is getting in the way in a sense because it's kind of the opposite of religion. So if you think of Christianity, it's about dying to yourself, like giving up some of yourself to be part of something bigger, right? Therapy culture is all about going more and more into yourself, discovering yourself and finding your authentic self.

It's the complete opposite. So something like Christianity, I think most young women just view it as really restrictive and limiting. And something like therapy culture or just liberal culture in general tells them that any limit or constraint is a problem.

It's the complete opposite. So something like Christianity, I think most young women just view it as really restrictive and limiting. And something like therapy culture or just liberal culture in general tells them that any limit or constraint is a problem.

Well, just this sense in culture now that any obligation is like an obstacle to your life or your mental health. I think that's just endemic from everywhere we look. And it's very much the opposite of what religion tells us, which is that

Well, just this sense in culture now that any obligation is like an obstacle to your life or your mental health. I think that's just endemic from everywhere we look. And it's very much the opposite of what religion tells us, which is that

through sacrifice you find kind of actual fulfillment and you kind of break free from yourself now we're kind of told whether it's through feminism or therapy culture or whatever girls are scrolling through on tiktok or instagram it's like you know think like you think of therapy culture on tiktok it will say something like don't be a people pleaser don't be needy um

through sacrifice you find kind of actual fulfillment and you kind of break free from yourself now we're kind of told whether it's through feminism or therapy culture or whatever girls are scrolling through on tiktok or instagram it's like you know think like you think of therapy culture on tiktok it will say something like don't be a people pleaser don't be needy um

But these things are kind of the opposite of what Christianity is telling you, which is like, you should be someone who puts your needs second. It's good to be someone who gives for other people, who depends on people, and they depend on you. That's not the message girls are growing up with.

But these things are kind of the opposite of what Christianity is telling you, which is like, you should be someone who puts your needs second. It's good to be someone who gives for other people, who depends on people, and they depend on you. That's not the message girls are growing up with.

Yes, I think so. Well, again, you're just going inwards. And yeah, also, I often think of, again, it's a similarity between

Yes, I think so. Well, again, you're just going inwards. And yeah, also, I often think of, again, it's a similarity between

therapy culture for women and kind of self-optimization stuff for men because it's like for men if you go too far that way other people become obstacles to your like ambition and your self-development um so people become like distractions and annoyances it's the same with therapy culture because then for a young woman who's really into therapy culture a man is just like an obstacle to her healing and her mental health um

therapy culture for women and kind of self-optimization stuff for men because it's like for men if you go too far that way other people become obstacles to your like ambition and your self-development um so people become like distractions and annoyances it's the same with therapy culture because then for a young woman who's really into therapy culture a man is just like an obstacle to her healing and her mental health um

So I think if you go too far in it, you can just interpret anyone or anything as a threat to your peace.

So I think if you go too far in it, you can just interpret anyone or anything as a threat to your peace.

And so I think for young women in particular who are becoming less religious, this kind of therapeutic worldview has completely replaced that void.

And so I think for young women in particular who are becoming less religious, this kind of therapeutic worldview has completely replaced that void.

Yes. But I don't think that's really getting across to young women. I think Yeah, I think what the problem is, is you go on something like TikTok and you have like a trauma-informed therapist who might be interesting and informative, but she's now competing in an attention economy. So she has to create a video which is engaging and extreme.

Yes. But I don't think that's really getting across to young women. I think Yeah, I think what the problem is, is you go on something like TikTok and you have like a trauma-informed therapist who might be interesting and informative, but she's now competing in an attention economy. So she has to create a video which is engaging and extreme.

So she has to say five red flags you should avoid in men. And they're things that are just so vague and... What like? Things like, well, I literally saw one that said gifts and trips is a red flag because it's love bombing. Okay. But other things like they'll say, you know, you're in a bad relationship if he makes you feel insecure, for example. Yeah.

So she has to say five red flags you should avoid in men. And they're things that are just so vague and... What like? Things like, well, I literally saw one that said gifts and trips is a red flag because it's love bombing. Okay. But other things like they'll say, you know, you're in a bad relationship if he makes you feel insecure, for example. Yeah.

By making a comment about your looks, but it's so vague that it's like, well, anyone's boyfriend could be included in that somehow. But if you add them all together, if you're scrolling through this all day, every day, which a lot of girls are, the message is basically like anyone can be toxic and anyone can be a red flag. Unsafe. Yeah.

By making a comment about your looks, but it's so vague that it's like, well, anyone's boyfriend could be included in that somehow. But if you add them all together, if you're scrolling through this all day, every day, which a lot of girls are, the message is basically like anyone can be toxic and anyone can be a red flag. Unsafe. Yeah.

And unfortunately, girls do co-ruminate together and it's really bad for their mental health. Co-ruminate. Yeah. So dwelling on their problems with friends, which if you think of something like a Reddit forum, that is just a rumination machine. It's just like it's there for everybody to analyze together.

And unfortunately, girls do co-ruminate together and it's really bad for their mental health. Co-ruminate. Yeah. So dwelling on their problems with friends, which if you think of something like a Reddit forum, that is just a rumination machine. It's just like it's there for everybody to analyze together.

TikTok is literally somewhere you can ruminate and then it will start recommending you new disorders and problems. So it's like, it's kind of like the inner world of these young girls, but now getting fed more and more to them.

TikTok is literally somewhere you can ruminate and then it will start recommending you new disorders and problems. So it's like, it's kind of like the inner world of these young girls, but now getting fed more and more to them.

Like seeing problems in your life, kind of pathologizing problems and experiences as something medical rather than I'm just experiencing this emotion or kind of age-old anxiety. Now it's become a medical issue. So things like talking in the language of attachment styles and trauma and losing the language of just ordinary hurt and disappointment and things like that.

Like seeing problems in your life, kind of pathologizing problems and experiences as something medical rather than I'm just experiencing this emotion or kind of age-old anxiety. Now it's become a medical issue. So things like talking in the language of attachment styles and trauma and losing the language of just ordinary hurt and disappointment and things like that.

Yeah. And the most risk averse, neurotic, anxious women on there will get the most traction because they'll be saying.

Yeah. And the most risk averse, neurotic, anxious women on there will get the most traction because they'll be saying.

Yeah. So if you spend too much time on there, you will think that like a well-adjusted woman doesn't need anyone, doesn't have any distraction in her life and feels good all the time. That no one ever threatens her or makes her feel anxious. And that's just like a lonely life.

Yeah. So if you spend too much time on there, you will think that like a well-adjusted woman doesn't need anyone, doesn't have any distraction in her life and feels good all the time. That no one ever threatens her or makes her feel anxious. And that's just like a lonely life.

But the problem with that is you shut down any constructive criticism of you. Like if your boyfriend has a constructive comment about you, if you are being selfish or something, therapy culture does provide endless excuses to kind of twist that into.

But the problem with that is you shut down any constructive criticism of you. Like if your boyfriend has a constructive comment about you, if you are being selfish or something, therapy culture does provide endless excuses to kind of twist that into.

Yeah. He's a toxic person. You're only like that because of your childhood trauma. He's just like an asshole. But you have like all of these reasons why you behave that way.

Yeah. He's a toxic person. You're only like that because of your childhood trauma. He's just like an asshole. But you have like all of these reasons why you behave that way.

I think the only equivalent I can think of is the productivity stuff. So I don't know if you saw that tweet recently of the guy, he's like, this morning routine saved me. So he does his morning routine, which is like super productive. It's like everything, it's the red light therapy and the journaling and everything.

I think the only equivalent I can think of is the productivity stuff. So I don't know if you saw that tweet recently of the guy, he's like, this morning routine saved me. So he does his morning routine, which is like super productive. It's like everything, it's the red light therapy and the journaling and everything.

But it's kind of eerie when you watch it because it's like this is not a lifestyle you could have with anyone else around. It's so to the absolute like minute. And you think like this is kind of a similar thing with therapy culture. It's like we're trying to have this perfect control over our lives and like get perfect control before you commit to anybody. Yeah.

But it's kind of eerie when you watch it because it's like this is not a lifestyle you could have with anyone else around. It's so to the absolute like minute. And you think like this is kind of a similar thing with therapy culture. It's like we're trying to have this perfect control over our lives and like get perfect control before you commit to anybody. Yeah.

And then you think of things like young people not wanting to get married and have children. And it's like, well, yeah, because there'll be a huge obstacle if we think that we have to have this perfect control over our mental health or our productivity routine. Anyone else is going to seem like chaos coming into that. And so I think young men and women can both go to an extreme of those.

but it's kind of the same thing. It's like an avoidance strategy. It's like, I have full control in this situation and I'm not vulnerable.

Yes, I love Oliver Berman. He's great.

No, I relate to him painfully because... Yeah, me too.

Yeah, and I think I have that tendency to see people as distraction because I'm trying to work. So I'm often like, you know, I need to write in perfect silence. I need to have my perfect routine. And yeah, I read a quote, I think it was C.S. Lewis saying something like, Eventually you realize that all of these distractions from your life were just your life. Like they weren't distractions at all.

And I think it's really sad to kind of teach young people or just like drill into their heads that they should avoid anyone getting in the way of their self-development and their ambition or their healing because...

that's life getting in the way um and yeah it's sad to see people kind of half-heartedly do relationships or kind of um put them off in pursuit of that ultimate control i think that's a really that will backfire eventually what are the problems of excessive self-focus

Well, I think it's Jordan Peterson says there's no difference between self-obsession and mental illness in the sense that it's all focusing too much on yourself. Not to say that it's in your control all the time necessarily, but that is what it is. It's focusing too much on your own problems. And I think... Yeah, as I said, girls are particularly vulnerable to it.

And I think what it does is it blocks real self-development because you can't see... where you're going wrong because you have these endless excuses for why you're behaving the way you are.

So I think a lot of girls think they're doing self-development and self-reflection, but it's actually accidentally like self-obsession because they're thinking, oh, you know, I'm analyzing my attachment style and I'm thinking about my trauma and I'm like doing the work. But there's not much actual self-development going on.

Yeah. And I think it can kind of be a trap where you think, I'm working on myself as a person. And the same with the self-optimization stuff. I think you can get so obsessed with stuff like maybe the ice baths and the breath work that you're not thinking about trying to be a better person. It just becomes...

It's kind of like the highlighter girls who, like girls who have like the perfect highlighters and gel pens for their exam, but they get like a D because they were obsessing over having the perfect setup.

I think it gives the comfort religion gives and the consolation of like, you see young women on TikTok saying things like, like they won't pray to God, but they'll give a request to the universe and like have faith in that. And so I think it gives all the comfort of religion, but it takes away the inconvenient parts.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's funny because there's a lot of emphasis on women walking away from disrespect and not tolerating any bad behavior. But there's also kind of this self-pitying stuff going on. So it's like... Real empowerment would be very often, I'm not tolerating this, I'm walking away, but you look online now and there's a lot of young women who just ruminate over a problem.

So like I was saying before, they might be in a bad relationship and they'll be analyzing both of their attachment styles and thinking about how it's toxic and talking to other girls about it rather than just leaving. And so I think sometimes young women, like me as well, get caught up in analyzing and not the actual action.

And they think all the mental health stuff is actually empowering them. But I often see it like taking again, taking the language away from actual problems. And rather than everybody opening up is actually like closing down their ability to see what's going on and act upon it.

So the, any actual demands on you or kind of restrictions on your freedom or anything like that.

So it has what women are craving in modern life, I think, which is belonging and security in something and faith in something. But it's a much easier version of religion.

Well, I think you view it, as you've said about the lonely chapter, you view it as a set time that has to come to an end, which is what therapy should be as well. It's like a set period. Yeah. But the problem is now therapy culture stuff is so tied up with identity stuff. So you get kind of young girls who start reading about social anxiety and they relate to it because they're 14 and shy.

I feel it it's really painful for me so why would I put myself in those situations I'm just not built for those situations um and so that's the problem with it is there's no end to it because you can just go on there and then it becomes part of who you are and again as you said the second you go out and you feel intense anxiety as you do as a 14 year old in like any situation then you'll think oh yeah this is confirmation that I have social anxiety disorder and shouldn't be here um

So, yeah, I always just think of these things as like me at 13 and the worst things you could say to me. And social anxiety disorder is one of them. It's like I kind of needed people to kind of laugh it off and just say, well, you have to go anyway. That's what I needed.

Like if someone came to me and said, well, some people call it a disorder and they take medication for it and some people need that. I'd be like, well, I need that.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like seeing the symptoms as... Seeing your personality traits as symptoms, which happens with the gender dysphoria stuff as well, which is like... Now just like quirky, edgy things about people become...

Yeah.

their personality yeah that becomes a diagnosis so like before we'd be like talk about some guy and be like he's always late it's just something about him you know it's kind of lovable and annoying but it's his personality and now it's like oh because of his ADHD he's always late yeah that's so funny that's really interesting to hear to hear the language I mean even even we do it we do it around here you know there'll be for instance

a lot. There was a study recently showing 32% of all 12 to 17 year olds in America have either had therapy, been on medication or had some kind of treatment in 2023. Over a single year.

I mean, I am writing this book at the moment, and one of the chapters is about these kind of TikToks that girls are looking at about autism. And I literally went down a rabbit hole, like, I'm autistic, I'm fully autistic. Well, like, all of the symptoms, they're all about shy, nerdy girls.

And I'm like, oh, okay, this has been me my whole life, just kind of awkward and doesn't fit in and reads a lot and everything. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, God, reading this, if you're just like slightly different from the mainstream popular extroverted girl, you're going to be autistic.

And but it's such it's like it's funny, but it's also like, oh, my God, there's like I can't say a serious point because you're laughing.

Which is insane. And I was talking to someone about that statistic and they were like oh that's great that's amazing and I was thinking that's a bleak statistic um so yeah I think there's there's the girls that are in therapy which is a lot but then there's also the girls who just like living in therapy culture so it's just they scroll through Instagram and it's all about attachment styles trauma

Yeah, and autistic people I've met do kind of openly joke about it, I feel. Whereas I feel like OCD is more offensive to say, oh, that was me being OCD. I feel like that's become a bit more… Yeah, it's my suicidal ideation. Yeah. But yeah, it's funny, but it's also like you think of like a 13-year-old girl who really convinces herself she has autism.

and actually she's just quite unique and quirky um that can be like a lifelong sentence of thinking you're different from other people because you're unwell um a much more pernicious one maybe would be something which is less serious of a diagnosis and that everybody believes that they have which would be an attachment style thing yes because it's such a

And to kind of ignore your gut instinct, like... I feel like you can be in a bad relationship and you have a feeling about someone. And now you interpret that as my anxiety coming up. That's like my attachment disorder triggering. Rather than, oh, they've just said something or revealed something about themselves that I should be... I'm actually tuning into.

The worry is like young girls convince themselves they have a disorder and then shut down that instinct.

Yeah, I hate this phrase like I'm anxiously attached rather than like I'm feeling anxiety at the moment. And also you see on the internet like anxious attachment quizzes and like t-shirts and it's become a thing to identify with. Yeah, and it's also a community, like an online community of people who will again co-ruminate over it.

um but i think it's actually more dangerous than we think if you take it too far because you again you just become blind to what's actually happening in your life and you're kind of living by a theory and also blind to how you can be complicit in causing these things to happen yeah how you could have self-authorship over stopping these things from happening yes Yeah.

Well, if someone's behaving badly and all you're doing is like repeating your positive affirmations in the mirror, it's not going to help you. Like at some point you need to have the kind of confidence to stand up to people and you're not going to have that if your core belief is that you're an anxious, damaged person.

Yeah.

I mean, that's just tragic. But I think, again, I can't really blame young girls for that. I just think it's everywhere now. And as Constantine says, if the incentives are there, it's just going to happen. And there are incentives now to do that. It's almost like now. You know what we were saying before?

If you're English and you talk about something good happening in your life, people kind of judge you and think you're weird. Yeah. It's kind of become like if you go around saying, actually, I have really good mental health and I deal with things really well and I don't get anxious. People look at you like that's kind of a wrong thing to say.

They go on TikTok and it's like a trauma informed therapist telling them like red flags they should watch out for and stuff. It's just like there's the actual therapy, which I'm sure there is. There's useful therapists, but there's also just this culture, which is just the world that they're swimming in.

I think if you were a girl saying that in school, people would not relate to you as much.

Yeah, or like it's kind of a braggy way to be now to say, oh, I handled it fine.

Try to be autistic or something.

Well, that's kind of another problem with the therapy stuff is it's, well, one, it's kind of offensive to people like that because, I mean, there are literally young women mimicking tics from Tourette's TikTok. TikTok. TikTok. Yeah, I think there is actually a TikTok hashtag. But yeah, they're picking up Tourette's.

And, you know, whether that's conscious or not, some of them at least are kind of jumping on that identity. And then you hear someone like Lewis Capaldi's story, and it's like the pain of that is actually stopping him doing what he loves. Yeah.

um but that conversation is kind of being swallowed up by the conversation of like young girls identifying with Tourette's like people are fucking lopping with this on yeah face-to-camera videos yeah again it actually takes away the language to talk about people who are actually suffering um because it's just become so big now that everyone's autistic everyone's got Tourette's and I don't know

Yeah, well, when I started writing, I was writing about addiction to social media and trends and stuff and kind of wondering why that was happening. And then I've been trying to kind of trace it back to think, what is the actual need that's not being met here?

So one of them, I was looking at all this attachment style stuff and like the dating gurus, how popular like relationship advice is on TikTok and stuff. And I was thinking, is this because young people don't have adults giving them guidance about relationships?

So now they go and watch an influencer who's an attachment expert because parents and families aren't getting as involved in giving advice about relationships anymore.

um so things like that there's a lot of trends where i think you can trace it back to adults have stepped away from giving some form of guidance um so you see it with like relationship stuff on tiktok and also the desperate search for obviously community and belonging to something is coming from a real pain of not having any community in real life like i

But in recent years, since social media, I would say therapy culture has just escalated to the point where I think young women don't see it as a worldview. They just see that as kind of life. So they interpret everything through this therapeutic lens. So their lives, their relationships, their emotions. And I think it has elevated to the level of religion.

I had loads of people when I started writing about social media loads people would say to me oh but you know young people need social media because it's like a lifeline like they have their online communities and stuff and I'm like that is not a benefit of social media like that's just an absolute indictment of where we are in modern life like why is their community a reddit forum um so we can talk about social media addiction but I think you have to kind of strip it back to what

why young people are so obsessed with it and what is missing in their actual life.

Yeah, because when you meet people who aren't on social media or don't have, like, ridiculously high screen times, they usually have a lot of their needs met in the real world, which just sounds like an obvious thing to say, but... It's true.

And I think the more you find yourself in a fulfilling relationship or you're happy with your job, you don't feel as much of a pull to scroll endlessly through TikTok all day. So the fact that young people are spending like six hours a day on their phones is...

it's not just because social media is addictive it's because there's nothing more addictive in their life or like a reason to stop scrolling through it um and so i think sometimes i can get caught in the trap of like complaining about social media whereas social media is just filling the gap of whatever was stripped away before yeah it's not necessarily that

Is it because everyone's autistic and no one's going clubbing?

Oh, there was one about, yeah, like rotting in bed.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think it was about being a loser and how... It's like an English thing. Again, being a loser has become the way that you introduce yourself and talk about yourself.

Yeah, I don't go anywhere. I don't have any interests.

Yeah, I... Would ruin my 7 p.m.

I don't know where that's come from, but I think... I think it's probably social anxiety. And then people come up with all of these kind of romantic ways to talk about it. So they're like, oh, I'm just an introvert who enjoys my own time or I'm like working on this big thing so I can't go out clubbing and stuff. And they build their identity around something which would justify not going out.

Yeah.

I read an article the other day that made me want to kill myself. It was about soft launching your boyfriend on Instagram.

So it's about telling this young woman wondering how should you announce to your followers, like not influencers, like I'm talking ordinary young women. How should you announce your boyfriend? Should you do a soft launch where it's just like his arm? Or should you do like a full reveal? Yeah. But it's kind of messed up because it's like, this is like introducing a brand deal or something.

Like literally viewing our partners like products. Yeah.

Someone said to me the other day, or they commented on my Substack article, like a relationship is now just a brand collaboration, like two personal brands coming together.

And then posting it online.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, so you have all of that. You have like, how do you manage the relationship on social media? But then you also have how social media affects the relationship. So like the boyfriends of Instagram thing. Like it's kind of funny that boyfriends, you know, when you see like a guy literally on the floor trying to get a good angle of the girl in.

Well, also, I just always think, who is it for if your boyfriend is right there? Like, it does get to the point where you're like posing in a bikini and your boyfriend's taking the pictures of you. It's like, is this for Instagram? Because I don't know. It's such a strange thing that's become so normalized.

Yeah, there was a picture of like three girls in bikinis and three guys all on the same beach, all taking pictures of their girlfriend. And people were defending it like, oh, they're allowed to have memories. Like what a memory of you in a bikini. But I actually, I don't think they're lying. I think that's just how normalized it's become.

It's like, well, obviously, if you go to the beach, you do a photo shoot. And I always try and express that to people. Like, you think of an influencer and how her income depends on taking pictures and everything. Everywhere she goes, she has to get content. Ordinary women think like that now.

Most people have it in the back of their mind, I should be getting a social media picture or this is a good moment or this landscape would get really good clicks. That's how they think. And I don't think some older people realize that young girls are behaving and thinking like their influencers all the time.

I think a part of it is that, but I think another part is they started doing this when their brains were forming as young girls. They started capturing their life as they went. And I don't think they can conceive of just living and existing.

I really think it's that ingrained of like their entire childhood was having a childhood, but also performing and marketing and managing it all at the same time. And then like when you try and get out of it, like when I deleted Instagram years ago, that lingering was still in my head of like, maybe I should share this online or maybe this could be a good photo opportunity.

And it's really hard to not kind of unwire that. Yeah. And now if I go to an event and I don't take a picture, young women I'm friends with will be kind of confused. Like I said, I've been on holiday and I have no evidence of it. It's confusing to them because that is... It's suspicious about whether or not you actually went on the holiday. Yeah, it's kind of weird.

And I think there are genuinely young people who go on holiday to get pictures.

Who even get in relationships for the photos and who are quietly living their life for Instagram pictures.

I think it's linked to what I was saying about, yeah, looking for relationship guidance. It's like, well, you look at something like mental health TikTok, people are sharing like their really deep trauma and turmoil and problems. And you can't help but look at it and think, are you close to your family? Like, this is the kind of thing that you talk about with your family.

It's what your family is there for. And now you're telling strangers on TikTok. And then you look at the statistics of the amount of Gen Z who aren't living with both their mother and father. I think in the UK, it's over half of children by 14 don't live with their mum and dad. And so they don't have a feeling of belonging at home.

And then you stretch that out to they don't have any sense of community. Their community is a Reddit forum or Instagram. Like I, growing up, had no sense of what a local community is or like neighbours knowing each other. It's just, it's really foreign to me. And I think a lot of Gen Z, they don't have a conception of it beyond like an online community or like the LGBT community or something.

That is the limit of...

community they know so their family falls apart there's nothing really to catch them there's no neighborhood of adults who are there um then you add that they're becoming less religious they don't feel that they belong to anything bigger than that they have no faith in anything bigger um and so the feeling of loneliness is just so intense um and i was writing recently about how i think that

actually one of the biggest drivers of behavior we see among Gen Z is this abandonment fear and feeling because their families fell apart because they don't have community because they don't belong to anything bigger they feel constantly alone and if you look at the kind of symptoms of abandonment if you look at like attachment theory like real attachment theory

not the TikToks, but the, like, Mary Ainsworth studies and everything, it shows, like, people who are abandoned, they're really hypersensitive to criticism, they have very low body image and self-esteem. All of the kind of caricature of Gen Z, all of the traits are, like, to do with this feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Yeah, well, I used to think, and I think a lot of people think therapy culture is particularly bad for men because it kind of has a female approach to problems and it's about, you know, ruminating. And often it's like, if you don't have a female response, there's something wrong with you. It's kind of a red flag if you don't go to therapy.

Um, so not, not to say that it explains everything, but I think families breaking down and not having a sense of belonging really messes people up. And I think a lot of Gen Z are kind of carrying that around and then looking for it in places.

So that obviously they're going to spend hours on TikTok where people are talking to them and talking about their problems because they don't have anything resembling that in real life. Um, And so, yeah, I think a lot of the things we kind of laugh at young people for as being kind of narcissistic and I guess selfish and kind of we cringe at them having these crazy screen times.

It's like, what else is there?

Yeah, I think in the modern world, like adults, they view everything as like imposing on their children. So we kind of became suspicious of anyone who's authoritative. So we think they're being controlling or like old fashioned. So adults kind of politely stepped back and kind of allow children just to become themselves and act the way they want.

Yeah. And, you know, there's obviously an element of that that's important in parenting. But I think what happened is parents stepped back. So they just became like our best friends. Then religion retreated away from public life. Then communities broke down. Neighbors stopped knowing each other. And then if you're an anxious young person, there's no one there. And...

we got rid of anything that was like more substantial guidance so I think if you think of therapy culture today a lot of people think oh if you're an anxious young person you have more advice than ever like you have all this guidance but I actually think modern culture has very little to say to anxious young people because we got rid of anything more substantial because we thought it was judgmental so you can't tell someone how to live their life or what to do

We got rid of anything to do with God or religion because that was superstitious. We stopped appealing to moral character and telling them they should improve themselves and be better because that's also judgmental and, you know, claiming that there's a right and wrong. And all that we have left is like these endless empty platitudes of be yourself, you do you, you know best.

You know, adults telling that to young people who... I think are craving some direction. Like there's no clear milestones to adulthood anymore to follow. And so they look to the adults and the adults are saying, you know best. And of course you feel anxious. The anxiety gets worse.

But I actually changed my mind on that and I actually think therapy culture is worse for women because women ruminate more. They co-ruminate more.

But then it becomes someone who doesn't know you. So let's say you have a relationship problem, like you're a young woman who has met someone and you're not sure about him. The average young woman will now go on YouTube and turn to the dating experts and the attachment style. And get the guidance from experts because they don't have adults in their lives who know them intimately.

Because people are different. People need different advice in different situations. And I think it's a real shame that

adults who kind of intimately know girls and young women and can give them advice in like a community setting have stepped back and now of course they're all on TikTok asking each other like oh you know he cheated on me is this a problem because we weren't exclusive is that a red flag and it's like we need some adults in our lives who clearly say I think this person is bad for you and I suppose everything it's great that we have

Yeah, if you think of an anxious young 14-year-old girl, the worst thing you can tell her is to go further into her own head to get relief and to think more about her problems and to kind of search her life for symptoms. If you told me that at 14, it's the worst thing I could have heard.

And your mom isn't trying to get views on TikTok.

She doesn't need to exaggerate and kind of keep you looking at her channel. You know, I think that's the problem is there are genuine experts who can help, but they are also subject to the kind of pressures of the algorithm a lot of the time. And so they're kind of,

I guess, dumbing down what they're saying or presenting symptoms of autism as vague as possible to try and so as many girls relate to it as possible.

Yeah, I think, again, from all different angles. So it's like the mental health stuff, obviously, you will feel better alone in some ways because you don't have someone challenging you. You know, if you do actually have problems from your childhood to do with, say, your parents, I don't want to say an attachment problem, but...

It is an attachment problem, just the wording has been completely ruined. But if you do have that, you kind of need to be with someone to work on it. Because if you're single, you're going to feel great. Because there's no one kind of triggering you and making you feel anxious and abandoned.

um so you do need someone in your life in in that scenario um so yeah loneliness then does seem like it's extremely attractive because you feel better when you're alone the same with the productivity stuff i think it's just the message that's missing for both young women and young men is like it's actually okay to depend on someone and to need other people like humans have always needed other people and define themselves by

their ties and obligations to other people and now we're kind of like no you can you can be self-sufficient enough and driven enough and healed enough that you're okay alone and i think that's really quite a strong message for young young women here which is like the worst thing you can be is needy like do not ever need someone and the worst situation for you is to end up with a guy that you need like that's just you need to avoid that all costs and it's

So I actually think maybe some men do need to do that a little bit more, but the average young girl needs to kind of cut out.

It's a really sad message because it's like, is that not love to need someone and they need you? And it's kind of a beautiful thing to rely on someone and have someone who's dependent on you. And actually, a lot of the actual attachment research shows that. Have you heard of the dependency paradox?

um that couples who are more dependent on each other become more independent in their lives so there was like studies showing that um i think they got couples to do like games or puzzles and then they had to fill out a survey of you know how much do you respond to your partner's needs um basically how dependent are you on each other and the ones that were more dependent um

didn't want to hear like, I think it was the clues or the answers from their partner. They wanted to do it independently. And then they followed up and they found that the couples more dependent on each other had met their independent goals six months down the line.

Because it's like the original Mary Ainsworth experiments where the caregiver leaves and they kind of measure how the child responds. You need like a stable, secure relationship to feel confident to go and explore the world. You need to have like something to hold on to, to step off.

Yeah, you need like something to fall back on. And I think that's a big reason why Gen Z are incredibly risk-averse and not resilient is because we don't actually have a foundation to fall back on. So if your parents are divorced and you don't feel that sense of belonging, you're not going to step off into the chaos of the world.

You're going to hold back and you're going to find relationships threatening. You're going to find words traumatic. You're going to be scared by it because...

Well, I think it's real that obviously your childhood impacts your adult life. I think that's just plain to see. Yeah. And I think it's real that you can kind of play that out in relationships that aren't, you know, so however your parents responded to you, you'll then take that into an adult relationship. That seems very obvious.

Yeah, I think it's a form of control. So it's like, it's our version of control. You know, if we feel uncomfortable or feel an uneasy emotion, we're just like, I'm going to categorize that and diagnose it. You know, that's my attachment disorder or that's my depression disorder.

But I think where people go wrong now is they forget that, like in the original attachment experiments and the book Attached, it's quite clear that it's not a bad thing to depend on someone and it's not a bad thing to be attached to. Like we are wired to be that way. Whereas I think now where it's going online, it's like you have a problem if you're attached.

Oh, I think it's a lot of things. I do think this is kind of a cliche thing to say now, but I do think therapy culture has replaced religion. And that's not a new thing to say. People have been saying that for a long time. So Christopher Lash was writing about that in the 70s. Frank Ferudy writes about it really well now.

Like if you're a young woman who kind of dreams of having a romantic relationship and really wants to depend on someone, now we view you as like weak. There's something wrong with you if that's your ultimate goal. Because we've had it drilled in so much that dependence is a problem. Yeah.

And so you see all these people online saying things like, oh, you know, I'm anxiously attached because when my partner feels sad, I also feel sad. It's like, isn't that just like loving someone? You know, you are affected by their emotions. Or they'll say things again like, oh, I always put their needs first. So can you train me out of being like a people pleaser?

And it's like, we used to just call that love. And, you know, that was a trait that we treasured in people, people who put their partner's needs first.

And obviously that can go too far, but I think the problem is now we only pathologize dependence and we glamorize independence. And we never say, yeah, that being dependent on someone, having a long-term relationship doesn't mean that you lose yourself. You can actually find yourself through that.

But I think girls in particular, young women in particular, have just been told, yeah, the worst thing in your life is to need someone. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's where it comes from. And that's why it's especially tragic because you have a lot of young women, for example, whose families fell apart. And then they grew up thinking, well, I just want to have that myself. I want to have a loving relationship and a family.

And then they kind of get told, whether it's through therapy culture or some of the feminist stuff online, you kind of implicitly get told that's a problem.

like if you again if your dream is to depend on someone you should work on yourself you need to work on your self-love you need to believe in yourself more you need to be healed alone and um you think of like a normal thinking feeling young girl of course she wants to be in a romantic relationship and of course she wants to depend on someone in some way it's completely natural but

Um, but I think you have young women thinking, oh, I need to get to a position where I'm confident, completely confident alone. I'm healed alone. I don't have any anxiety. Um, then I can allow a partner in, but I don't see that as the way that people operate.

um and i think men do that kind they have their own kind of self-optimization trends and the gym stuff where that can become like a form of control um to deal with kind of uneasy emotions and i think yeah this is the woman's version of that it's like we can't sit with it or just accept like a painful situation so i often think about

Um, and I think there's a lot of girls now punishing themselves for being emotional and sensitive and wanting a partner and wanting to depend on someone. Because now the image of a strong independent woman is someone who doesn't depend on anyone and who doesn't get emotional, doesn't get jealous, doesn't care.

And so you also have two contradictory messages because you have therapy culture saying to girls, open up more and more about your problems, you know, be more emotional, tell everyone how you feel. But then you also have strong independent women don't care.

you know they never get emotional and if they do get an emotional it's trauma or an attachment issue and it's like that's a really cruel thing to teach emotional young girls and confusing because it's like of course they feel that way because they're human but now they're being told that that's yeah a medical issue or something that they should heal

Well, I think that's, again, a lack of adults stepping in. I have this theory I've been thinking about of, like, everyone just accepts now that parents are overprotective. So there's, like, the helicopter parenting and the coddling of Gen Z. Yeah. But I think like parents are weirdly, they're not protective enough, but they're also coddling.

So they're like coddle their children, but not put up proper boundaries or guardrails. There's like no rules, but they're over-involved.

So now it's like the only danger is like physical danger. It's injury. So parents protect from injury, but they don't protect from something like... their daughters being online and posting, trying to get on OnlyFans. I mean, Jonathan Haidt talks about it when he says kids are overprotective in the real world and underprotected online.

But I think it's slightly more than that because I don't think parents are totally protective in the real world because they, again, they've also, I think, kind of internalized this messaging of I shouldn't get involved. You know, it's not my place.

you know you think of dads now I think dads are less protective than they've ever been because they they can't care about what their daughter wears or where she goes or who she dates because that would be backward you know it's her right to do that but then you look around and you see girls doing that you see um girls like selling themselves online to strangers and

And I think what has accidentally happened is feminism pushed this idea of like, girls and boys are just as strong as each other. And then that led to people thinking, oh, so they don't need, girls don't need extra protection, which killed chivalry, but also killed fathers actually protecting girls. Because the problem is not like women are weak, it's that girls are vulnerable, right?

But now we think, oh, we should all step back, let girls do what they want. A lot of baby went out with bathwater. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we killed good authority. We just killed all authority. And so now you have young women demanding that their universities protect them and demanding that the government step in and staring at someone becomes harassment on the tube. Because we degraded the authority of men they trust, like good men and hopefully like their fathers and brothers.

So if you look at these kind of attachment style forums or girls talking about their attachment styles, very often they'll describe just a bad relationship and then they'll say, oh, it's my attachment disorder. So they'll be like, he cheated on me and I can't get over it because of my anxious attachment. And it's like...

And we just said, oh, all kind of protection is patronizing and we don't need it. But then you leave girls completely vulnerable and looking coddled and loved, but actually completely unprotected. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can't remember where it was, but there was this scheme some young women ran on a train where they had these cards. I don't know if you saw it, where it said, like, I'm being harassed right now. But you hand it to someone. And so you could go into, I think it was like the tube station, you could go in and ask for the cards. And yeah, it's like someone is harassing me.

Yeah, there was all different ones. I can't remember what they were. But it's like, in that situation, what is that going to do? And that is actually the patronizing thing. And to expect that to protect girls is... But we find it offensive if a man steps forward and tries to help a girl out.

I think we've just thrown it all out and forgotten that part of the feminist message is right, that girls are vulnerable. But unfortunately, it has led to a situation where we're like, oh, vulnerability means weakness, so they don't need protecting.

Yeah, I think it's a status thing. I think... Girls are now growing up with influencers being their aspirational figures, as we said. I think it's something like 70% of Gen Z girls aspire to be influencers or just Gen Z in general.

Okay. But if you look at influencers over the years... They've evolved dramatically. So like when I was 13, I would be watching like Zoella or someone who's really wholesome and didn't really have the same incentives of the algorithms back in the day, didn't really have the same competition skills. Certainly didn't have like monetization of her content.

So she wasn't kind of exposing herself or talking about these weird therapy trends or anything like that. You can just gradually see over the years how it's escalated.

who are some of the more extreme zoella equivalents now or if you don't want to throw names out you can come up with i can throw a name yeah yeah throw them out the woman tana mongeau yeah so she's like a really popular influencer who talks about only fans like it's Like there's nothing dangerous about it for young girls or nothing to be worried about.

It's so sad because they're actually losing the language to talk about the actual problem that they're facing because they're trying to get control. Because it's a lot easier to be like, oh, you know, I'm anxious or he's avoidant than we have a terrible relationship and I've just wasted four years with someone. You get the control through the therapy culture.

And she has an audience of very young teens, probably pre-teens. And she'll just post with all the things she's earned from OnlyFans. So all of like the designer bags and stuff. And on her podcast, she'll talk about being on OnlyFans. And I think talking about commodifying yourself like it's completely normal is, That is what girls are growing up with.

So they're seeing influencers commodify themselves in general, but then commodifying their body. And also having the nerve to call that empowering.

No. Well, how can it be empowering to, even on Instagram, offer your body for judgment and then put your self-worth into the ranks and reviews that strangers give you? You're turning yourself into a product, effectively. So this talk of objectifying young women, you know, that is turning yourself into an object on display. Yeah. Which I think is quite clear to anyone who's not grown up with it.

But I don't judge the ordinary young woman for thinking that's attractive because that has been her role models throughout growing up. And it's escalated slowly. So it went from Zoella to now OnlyFans.

Yeah.

I think young women react to the very worst traits of some men by thinking, I'll just do it back and that will give me the power. So they're like, maybe they've had a string of relationships where the guy has kind of slept with them and then left or something. And then they think, yeah, I'll just do that to the next guy.

So that's where I see it becoming a danger to girls and young women.

Or, you know, they look at the men doing that and think, well, they seem very confident and happy. So that's the way to go. I think it's like a defense mechanism of some kind. And also, I think they're probably also the traits that get you popularity online sometimes.

So if you look at Tana Mongeau or some of these influencers, they are promiscuous, they're quite masculine, they're quite aggressive in their speech because people who talk assertively and in extreme ways will just suit the algorithm. You know, if you're like a reserved, timid young girl, you're not going to be the top influencer on Instagram.

So I think those traits get rewarded and then they're what girls are scrolling through all day, every day. And they're like, oh, my favorite influencer is really like,

vulgar and promiscuous and she's super assertive that's the path to success yeah and that's again that's the model of like the healed confident woman who's not held back by negative emotion or worry or jealousy or any of these things assertiveness is confused for self-assuredness or wholeness completeness fixedness well also promiscuity is like

Well, I often think now, if you're like a reserved young woman who's modest, you're now shamed. Maybe not explicitly, but implicitly, people will think there's something wrong with you because they'll be like, Oh, no, you are beautiful. You shouldn't be so shy about guys. You shouldn't worry about sex. It's fine. People will reassure her now.

as to like that look at her as if she has a problem that needs healing rather than she just is modest um and i think that's what tends to happen is you look at promiscuity becomes so popular and normalized and then we stigmatize the girls that aren't interested in that or aren't that way um

I think if you are a young woman now who holds back in that way, it's kind of like if you're introverted and people come up to you and say, what's wrong? You should speak more. And it's just like, sometimes it's just who you are. So I think... it's the incentives again.

Yeah. So I think for the first time in history, young women are less religious than young men now.

You're almost punished socially if you're modest and shy and, and not super assertive and masculine because people think you've got your like healing work to do. You need to become more confident and like,

sexual and like get rid of all your reservations and like repression people think you're just like a repressed person rather than everybody should be tanner mojo whatever yeah like she's she's like released herself of all her kind of traumas and burden everybody is tanner at zero yes and you just need to try and get back there yeah is there a wistfulness for times of the past

Yeah. But among Gen Z, it's men that are going to church way more than women now. And Jonathan Haidt did some research on this showing that he like presented, he looked at a survey of statements and they were things like, I have no hope in myself. I don't believe, like really self disparaging statements.

Yeah.

I know there's like crippling anxiety among young women, but also this really loud, I don't care, message. I think young people in general are very nostalgic for a time they haven't known, which is a time before smartphones and social media.

So if you look at like Jonathan Haidt, again, he did a survey recently and found that a lot of Gen Z wish things like TikTok and Instagram never existed before. Which is kind of unusual. You don't really get that with any other inventions. Like he was talking about the bike and the hairdryer. It's really not that level of, I use this all the time and wish that I didn't.

And I think there's a lot of that ambient feeling among Gen Z of like, Longing for a time, for example, when love wasn't like reacting to someone's Instagram story or swiping on Tinder. You know, some young women have never experienced love before it became that. Like the mystery of having a crush on someone and falling in love. Like now you just, you can't wonder what they're up to.

You just kind of skip through their Instagram story or look at their Facebook profile and it's all listed out there. So I think there's a real feeling of disenchantment with the modern world where it's like everything has become so commodified and cheap. And there's like a nostalgia for a time maybe that didn't exist, but everyone tells me the 90s were way better.

So I'm just going to assume they're telling the truth. But a time before phones and the internet and the commodification of everything became so extreme.

So you think of all the kind of characteristics of religion, we just mimic them with therapy culture. So instead of praying, we just repeat our positive affirmations. Instead of seeking salvation, you'll go on a healing journey. Instead of resisting temptation from the devil, you'll reframe your intrusive thoughts.

because now everything I try and explain to people like the very concept of things has changed so friendship for my generation versus friendship for my parents generation friendship now is like your friends online you maybe have a snap streak that you keep up you pose for each other's instagram uh you don't really necessarily hang out as much as you used to

There's not really, again, friends don't give each other guidance or tell each other what to do because that would be rude and toxic. And so the definition of friendship has changed in this era. The definition of love has changed, of flirting, everything. Which is why you can talk about kids being on screens and it's kind of sad, but the actual truth of what's changed is insane.

And the fact that young people are anxious and can't cope with it.

Yeah, and that's kind of why you can't blame them for not giving guidance because the world moves so fast. There's no wisdom anymore. You can't pass anything down. So now you just have to keep up with the kids.

Yeah. And so now you have adults like talking like teenagers and using the same social media platforms, being informed of the new trends, which has always been a thing. But now it feels like adults go to young people regularly. to get guidance about the world. And that makes young people anxious because they're like, where are the adults telling me what to do?

And he found that teenagers without religion agreed with them way stronger than teenagers who were religious and especially who were conservative. And I think there's a couple of reasons for that. I think one is kind of the external locus of control. So conservatives tend to have more control.

My sub stack is just freyaindia.co.uk. It's called Girls. And yeah, that's just where I write about girls and young women. And hopefully I'll have a book announcement too.

Thank you.

um of an internal locus of control so they feel more control over things happening in their lives also if you're conservative teenager you're more likely to be living with both parents which i think protects your mental health um and also your parents are more likely to have clearer boundaries with you um which i think is actually very useful for anxiety and depression.

So there's different explanations for it. But yeah, it's a worry because young women are becoming less religious and their mental health is also tanking. So there has to be some link there.

Well, therapy culture, I think it probably is getting in the way in a sense because it's kind of the opposite of religion. So if you think of Christianity, it's about dying to yourself, like giving up some of yourself to be part of something bigger, right? Therapy culture is all about going more and more into yourself, discovering yourself and finding your authentic self.

It's the complete opposite. So something like Christianity, I think most young women just view it as really restrictive and limiting. And something like therapy culture or just liberal culture in general tells them that any limit or constraint is a problem.

Well, just this sense in culture now that any obligation is like an obstacle to your life or your mental health. I think that's just endemic from everywhere we look. And it's very much the opposite of what religion tells us, which is that

through sacrifice you find kind of actual fulfillment and you kind of break free from yourself now we're kind of told whether it's through feminism or therapy culture or whatever girls are scrolling through on tiktok or instagram it's like you know think like you think of therapy culture on tiktok it will say something like don't be a people pleaser don't be needy um

But these things are kind of the opposite of what Christianity is telling you, which is like, you should be someone who puts your needs second. It's good to be someone who gives for other people, who depends on people, and they depend on you. That's not the message girls are growing up with.

Yes, I think so. Well, again, you're just going inwards. And yeah, also, I often think of, again, it's a similarity between

therapy culture for women and kind of self-optimization stuff for men because it's like for men if you go too far that way other people become obstacles to your like ambition and your self-development um so people become like distractions and annoyances it's the same with therapy culture because then for a young woman who's really into therapy culture a man is just like an obstacle to her healing and her mental health um

So I think if you go too far in it, you can just interpret anyone or anything as a threat to your peace.

And so I think for young women in particular who are becoming less religious, this kind of therapeutic worldview has completely replaced that void.

Yes. But I don't think that's really getting across to young women. I think Yeah, I think what the problem is, is you go on something like TikTok and you have like a trauma-informed therapist who might be interesting and informative, but she's now competing in an attention economy. So she has to create a video which is engaging and extreme.

So she has to say five red flags you should avoid in men. And they're things that are just so vague and... What like? Things like, well, I literally saw one that said gifts and trips is a red flag because it's love bombing. Okay. But other things like they'll say, you know, you're in a bad relationship if he makes you feel insecure, for example. Yeah.

By making a comment about your looks, but it's so vague that it's like, well, anyone's boyfriend could be included in that somehow. But if you add them all together, if you're scrolling through this all day, every day, which a lot of girls are, the message is basically like anyone can be toxic and anyone can be a red flag. Unsafe. Yeah.

And unfortunately, girls do co-ruminate together and it's really bad for their mental health. Co-ruminate. Yeah. So dwelling on their problems with friends, which if you think of something like a Reddit forum, that is just a rumination machine. It's just like it's there for everybody to analyze together.

TikTok is literally somewhere you can ruminate and then it will start recommending you new disorders and problems. So it's like, it's kind of like the inner world of these young girls, but now getting fed more and more to them.

Like seeing problems in your life, kind of pathologizing problems and experiences as something medical rather than I'm just experiencing this emotion or kind of age-old anxiety. Now it's become a medical issue. So things like talking in the language of attachment styles and trauma and losing the language of just ordinary hurt and disappointment and things like that.

Yeah. And the most risk averse, neurotic, anxious women on there will get the most traction because they'll be saying.

Yeah. So if you spend too much time on there, you will think that like a well-adjusted woman doesn't need anyone, doesn't have any distraction in her life and feels good all the time. That no one ever threatens her or makes her feel anxious. And that's just like a lonely life.

But the problem with that is you shut down any constructive criticism of you. Like if your boyfriend has a constructive comment about you, if you are being selfish or something, therapy culture does provide endless excuses to kind of twist that into.

Yeah. He's a toxic person. You're only like that because of your childhood trauma. He's just like an asshole. But you have like all of these reasons why you behave that way.

I think the only equivalent I can think of is the productivity stuff. So I don't know if you saw that tweet recently of the guy, he's like, this morning routine saved me. So he does his morning routine, which is like super productive. It's like everything, it's the red light therapy and the journaling and everything.

But it's kind of eerie when you watch it because it's like this is not a lifestyle you could have with anyone else around. It's so to the absolute like minute. And you think like this is kind of a similar thing with therapy culture. It's like we're trying to have this perfect control over our lives and like get perfect control before you commit to anybody. Yeah.