Gemma Spake

That again is also why change feels so unstable because the losses are always going to be more visual and apparent versus the gains that haven't happened yet.

I think it's the same dynamic in relationships as well.

Leaving a relationship that isn't working or isn't quite fulfilling means potentially losing a companionship that you already understand and a history that you understand because you were there and the in-laws that you've grown to like because you see them all the time.

The idea that, you know, leaving that person might mean you gain self-respect, might mean you gain inner peace, might mean that you gain a compatible partner, a more compatible partner later on.

That's really intangible because you haven't met them yet.

You can't feel it.

So it's not as emotionally weighted in the same way, even if you know in your heart of hearts that this is probably, if not absolutely 100%, the right decision.

We can understand this a little bit further through something called terror management theory.

Sounds very extreme, but it's basically a social psychology framework that suggests

that suggests that a lot of our need for security, for routine, for self-esteem is connected to the fact that we're aware that on some level, life is very fragile and life is finite.

Change, especially the big irreversible kind, brushes up a lot of existential fears, brushes up against this idea that we might not be in control, that things can go wrong, that we can make mistakes, that we only have limited time here, so we better make the right decisions.

Our desire to keep returning to what we know is partly about managing our anxiety about our own fragility.

So when you're clinging to a situation that is fine, that is okay, you know, not great job, all right partner, city that feels kind of restrictive.

You might be like, why do I keep doing this?

Why can't I move on?

And it's because your brain is trying to protect you from a very real sense of loss and of uncertainty.

And on a deeper level, the sense that actually nothing is guaranteed.

Maybe I can't make it work in this new location, this new relationship, this new life.

Your resistance to change is therefore very natural.

It's being influenced by a lot of, I would say, very powerful, very complex processes.