Glennon Doyle

We're sort of going up a mountain.

That's what I'm going for here.

So I was in another round of recovery and we hit Christmas and I had a relapse over Christmas last year.

And it was really confusing to me because I was talking to my therapist and I said, okay, I was just like sitting at a table eating.

And then the next thing I knew, I think my words were, I came to my senses and I was like full on the middle of like a huge binge and purge.

And I had no idea how I got from the table to that situation.

I could not explain it.

And so over time, we started to try to slow down what actually happened in those moments.

And the best way I know how to describe it is I was sitting at a table with my beautiful family of origin, which is so full of love and so full of some fucked up stuff, okay?

Patterns, old patterns and old stuff.

And this thing happens to me when I'm almost 50, but when I get back around my family of origin, I'm seven.

Right.

So I think what happened is that there was a moment at the table where a pattern rose up that made me upset and uncomfortable and angry.

And the problem was that I was seven again.

So when you're seven or you're 10, you don't have any agency to deal with what is happening.

You can't say your thing.

You can't get up and leave.

You are stuck in the dynamic.

And so my way of dealing with that was to dissociate.

So dissociation is how you leave so you can stay.