Graydon Cookie Cutler

Surprise. fucking dominoes or the vodka here get your fucking mic

This is true. We do sleep together a lot.

You love the sound machine.

Oh, okay. Well, this morning I woke up, Hallie woke me up and she said I took up the whole- It was 11, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but it was 11.45.

Okay, but that's my morning. Hallie told me that I was taking up the whole entire bed, but this morning I woke up and her head was on my shoulder.

I don't like that because you have a vagine, okay? If you were a man, I wouldn't mind.

I just think anatomically I have to be the big spoon. One time I was cuddling with somebody and I fell asleep and I woke up and they were just gone. And I'll be honest with you, I really haven't cuddled since.

yeah exactly yeah a gold star is when you have a c-section um it's like you can't you did not even like come out of a vagina not only did you not sleep with a woman you didn't even come out of a woman you came out of their stomach that's actually a good point not me teaching you about being gay again well that's not like actually gold star but like that like could be a thing that's platinum star like never touched a vag um yeah i'm a gold star yeah i'm your mom had a c-section

No, Holly, that's not actually what a gold star is. A gold star is when you're gay and you've never been with a girl. So you're not a gold star because... I'm a gold star. Okay. Yeah. I'm a gold star. Loud and proud.

We should tell them the story of how we actually met. Okay, let's tell it. You would remember more than me probably.

So I walk into this party on Nantucket, obviously shit face. This was like my first time actually going to Nantucket. The year I believe was like 2021, right after COVID. So this was my first like taste of Nantucket kind of. And I see this girl and she's like snatched. She's like her skin's pulled back. I'm like, did she get a facelift? Like what's going on?

And I was like, your skin is so amazing. Like what do you do when you told me you like get your Botox at this girl in New York, but like you live in Boston. So at the time you were living in Boston and you would go to New York to get your face done.

Flash forward. I didn't know this bitch lived in was from Boston. I didn't know she had a house in Nantucket. So I thought I was never going to see you again. And then we were in Boston on a cold, rainy ass night.

set the mood set the tone we're on this yacht that's where hallie and i really rekindled and i was like oh my god you like are from boston like you're here oh my god let's hang out so that's how we started hanging out and then i look over and there's this man and he was like a tech ceo founder i think he is in prison now yeah yeah i worked for him for a

Okay, no offense, but that's all he could afford if he's in crypto was the Nomo Soho.

Yeah. And he had a Soho loft. No hate to the Nomo Soho.

No.

Fucked him.

So?

Did you keep it?

What'd you have to do?

Anyway, I hope he's well, but I looked over my shoulder and his pants were down to his ankles and his whole entire asshole was out.

Cheek spread, blackout drunk. And I was like, is somebody going to put this guy's pants on? I can't be looking at this.

I could see his throat from behind. It was crazy.

Yeah, you know, I think we shared that moment of seeing this man's asshole. And that's when we became friends. We've been through it.

Via ear like yesterday. It's been a really long drought and I feel like I'm like in the Sahara desert, like one of those animals who like can't really access the watering hole. And it's not, I don't think it's the rain that's like blocking me from accessing water. I'm starting to think it's me.

Okay, I would just like to correct. It's not straight men. No, it is straight men. I like a more masculine man, which is totally fine. But I don't know. I mean, I definitely don't think my TikTok videos help.

That's so sweet. Thank you. The last time, let's just go with the last time I got diddled or diddled somebody else.

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't remember.

Over a year ago probably that I fucked. I've sucked.

I used to be, not anymore.

Yay! Lauren's here.

guys this is lauren lauren's here guys we're the three best friends that anyone could have we're the three best friends anyway um welcome to the casting couch thank you guys i feel very welcome i know should we all touch each other yeah let's all hold hands no thank you i see how it is

Fish is just good at getting shit done.

A lesbian bar or a gay bar? It was a gay bar.

No. Yeah. To do it.

And, like, the Holland Tunnel. Did you like being doormat? And I was thick.

No.

They were fake?

Oh, with the fabric? Yeah. That is extremely ghetto.

Who?

I love that for him. He's going to hate us. I love that for him. He deserves that, honestly. He does deserve that. He deserves a big dick.

He has short limbs, but a big dick. Short limbs.

Oh, what? Totally.

Like a pretty boy.

I would go for Jordan. I'll go for Jordan right now. Tell him to come over.

You and Jordan have a very special relationship. Yeah, we do. Anyway, enough about him.

Should we tell them what the pregames usually look like? Yeah, let's tell them. Okay, let's run through it.

Which is amazing for us. Yes.

With the vehicles. She's on the car insurance.

Fish is the type of person where she can go out and like have like you'll have like one drink.

But like you don't need to be like shit face to have fun. Like you always have fun.

Wait, did you? I almost died. No. But I'm not cross-eyed.

You just like nod your head. You're like, yeah, look over here.

They're like, we totally understand. Take your time getting out. I hope you get home safe.

So I'm a Cancer Leo cusp, and I couldn't really tell you what the fuck that means. I can't wait. I'm a Leo Cancer cusp. Wait. What? Leo Cancer cusp?

Cancer Leo cusp. Yeah, yeah. So we're the same?

Oh, yeah. I'm the first day of Levi.

We need to get our charts right or something. But Fish and I just have a really sensitive, like, loving connection. We do. You know, although she's way more sensitive than me.

Yeah. Sometimes Halle goes for her throat. No.

As you should.

This was the weekend prior.

Yeah.

Okay, I received a video this night. Do we want to talk about that?

Was that from you?

no no that was for me okay or live and then group chat it was liverfish sent it to me and there's this i see this hair underneath the sheet and hallie's there and i'm like is she like playing with like a stuffed animal like what why is her hair under the sheets it was mr chow down chowing down chowing down underneath giving the name all its glory yeah he's a nice guy and then we sent him on his way it's funny because i'll get those videos and i will not think one thing of it

That's the worst.

Yes, yes, yes.

Wait, I love this. Okay, let's run it back.

If you won't suck my Kwaki, at least drink one.

How much did it take to bail you out, you think?

I can't get over the fact that Graydon just said that with one hand he was driving a vehicle and on the other side he had one eye up. Do you have the thing where you're cross-eyed, right? So you can kind of look one eye up and one eye down at the dick? I can do it.

Graydon, pull over. That's how people die.

Who came first?

Wee. And why haven't you guys had sex?

Do you have more bodies than her?

Wait. One, two, three, four. Same people.

Any same names?

We agreed, and what is the ski mask story?

Okay, sit back, relax, and enjoy.

Why did you feel like you knew who it was?

Oh, because Cape Cod is small?

Ish. Okay.

I failed. I didn't see your eyes cross as much, but that could be because I was sitting next to you like this, so I was never making direct eye contact with you. I was just looking at the side of your head, so I didn't really see your eyes.

In that moment when he pulls out and you see it on the dash, are you like... It's like it goes out my window on the other side.

godzilla enters the picture are you like and what do you say you try to like jack him off do you touch him at all i was like it's gonna be a long night you gave him a little diddle oh i was putting my whole i was putting my whole back into it that's the worst when you're off a flaccid penis just fucking shaking it i'm like what's going on shake wait no literally and then how did he leave like he just literally left in silence

Did you ever see this man again?

Yeah. You have to do it.

You have to reply and be like, bring the ski mask for old time's sake.

Should we talk about the tea of me literally talking to Remy about the guy that's dating an influencer that lied to everyone and said he fucked me? Wait, yeah.

I wish they could like be like themselves.

Okay, great. And I'm really sorry that that happened to you. Do you feel used? Lord.

Big papa.

I feel so good.

It's literally 11 in the morning. Wait, so you're coming tonight?

What are you going to wear? Wait, what is the plan tonight? You guys, I have no idea. The plan was we're going to have a cocktail hour. I just thought it would be, like, nice to keep it going. I'm like, I want to keep celebrating you. Did you like my speech last night?

I wanted to have like a little like cocktail hour with us to just like keep drinking.

Matt stay home. No, I think it's going to just be like everyone like kind of similar to last night-ish. No, it's at a good restaurant too. It is?

Where is it?

Have you been there before? Never been there in my life.

I think we just got to like start drinking early.

Maybe we'll go out again. Where do you guys go when we go out?

That guy on my list.

You know, the one and only time I was at Little Sister is when I see this hockey player that I had like on and off talk to in college. So I'm there and I see him and I knew he had a girlfriend, but I see him and like we kind of knew each other from college. So I still went up to him. I'm not trying to fuck him. But then the rest of the night he was trying to fuck and

And I always thought he was so hot and I only had sucked his dick. It was the first like curved penis that I like did the gluck gluck on. And I like really learned a lot from it. It literally was so huge. And then at the top more. But like kind of the whole. To the side. Down would be crazy. It depends what way you're looking at it.

it kind of is like that straw like that yeah what is that that's to the side or is that up that's down that's down well it depends what way you're looking at it listen i was scared to have sex with it because i don't know how that would work you would squirt you would yeah i feel like that hit the side of my walls not my g spot anyway so i'm at little sister we're talking we're talking it slowly gets more progressively flirty and then we go to avenue after two people so avenue is closed i've had sex in avenue bathroom oh my

You're always like, okay. Remy hooked up with this person and before she hooked up with him, he was like saying that he fucked me. I have my list right here. Let me show you the men I've fucked.

god avenue is so good it's just like these tight walls and everyone's just getting fucked and so we're sitting up on the we're sitting up it's the end of the night and i literally look him in the eyes and i say i have no interest in doing this if you actually are still with that girl like please and the whole night he's been convincing me i don't have a girlfriend i don't have a girlfriend she's so obsessed with me i don't have a girlfriend so obviously i fuck i bleed everywhere you guys i'm not kidding you yeah the dick the fucking punctured you

you guys i didn't realize how bad the blood was until in the morning his agent walked in and was like you have like a body armor shoot or something he walks he goes oh shit we're both laying there naked there's blood all over the sheets there's blood on the wall i feel like men don't care about that it was so dark and there was blood everywhere and then you guys less than a month later he was down on one knee and proposed and now they're married oh my god she's still bleeding

I've never been the same since. Anyways, yeah, so now he's married and I don't know about that. Cheers to her. I hope he's not cheating. That little scummy.

Have you had a lot of curb dick?

Wait, Graydon. That makes no sense. What does it look like?

No, hold it like it's sticking out of you right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like just a little hook. It just starts going up and then it just curves, curves, curves more that way.

Okay, wait. So where are we going tonight?

I don't know anything about New York.

What are you going to wear tonight?

Okay, so we'll go out tonight.

Okay, you guys, I think we just crushed this.

How do you feel, Graydon?

The jail part or his penis?

okay bye guys wait this is your show say something I hate the end I hate the end every time guys this place has great energy tune back in every week yes for this bitch tune in for the tits tune in for great and sucking stories I may be back every time I'm in New York I need to come on this fucking couch no I really think you do It brings me back from the VP to here. Let's fucking go. Perfect.

Look at this cute little list. And guess who's not on there? Her fucking boyfriend.

Okay, anyways, you guys. Look at this list. Damn! No, no, no.

Do you rate them by the first time you had it? Or do you rate them by the good to the bad?

Just in order.

same last name and one more twins yeah anyways yeah so that was funny remi and i were laughing about that because i was like i think that's maybe one of the most freaky behaviors did you have any interaction with this man i took a fan photo with him at montauk when i was at surf lodge i'm in the hamptons a couple years ago if any of the daddy gangs listening to this this is when i got kicked out of rush myers and almost got kicked out of surf lodge what did you do

I go to Surf Lodge and there's a guy that comes up to me and like he's cute you know and no he's hot but he's short king yeah yeah short king and so he comes up to me he's like Alex like I'm such a big fan can I take a selfie with you what's his fucking last name I want to show you this and I was like yeah for sure

he was like daddy gang daddy gang and I was like oh my god I love like a guy that's daddy gang with a penis so then fast forward I never think of anything again and then he told Remy that we had sex I think that's the most disgusting thing for a man to lie about having sex with a woman freak sorry I'm on one this morning no no no look at the photo look at the photo oh my god the bleach bond silver tone

Hallie is obsessed with my eras of blonde hair.

To be fair, it used to be very silver, but I feel like it got me through a lot. It's probably how you feel about like filler. I just like love the needle feeling.

you do i couldn't get my ears pierced till i was like i could see that i could see you being like a little like dealer swift fan i don't want to get my ears pierced but i need to what else happened last night listen to me you did the classic thing that is the best thing in the world where hallie had the entire fucking club and the fucking bouncers looking for her phone and i grab onto her and i literally am holding on clutching onto her purse as i'm like yelling at her and i'm like

Like you couldn't hear me, but you heard me. Because you told me that this billionaire somehow knew me.

what's his face wanted to like set you up with this guy that i went on date with last week what was i wearing no i feel like everyone knows like what what you remember all your halloween costumes like was i snow white was it wait i've never been snow white no wait no was i um little red riding hood

What are we talking about? I don't know.

I was so having the, I was literally having the most fun of my life last night. Have you not learned anything about podcasting yet? Pull up your fucking mic. Where's your mic?

It went well. He looks more wholesome than I thought when you showed me a picture of him last night.

I feel like he looks like he's from Greenwich and he shops at Polo.

And he was wearing a polo in the picture.

And he has cute little like spiky like good hair.

He's an uncle.

Oh, my God. I'm obsessed. But, like, he's too wholesome for me.

You would break him?

You didn't? Did you guys make out?

Is there any sexual chemistry? Because I feel like when nice guys are too nice, it's a little like, oh.

Welcome back to Extra Dirty. Hello, everyone. No, you're going to do an intro for this. I'm going to be like the tail end. You intro it.

Why? He's a billionaire.

And now he's cool because he's a billionaire.

But I feel like of all the things you've probably looked past with men, like anything with him you could get past because he's a billionaire. Wait, did you see? Have you guys seen anything on TikTok about what people are saying about us?

I have been grooming her since the day I met her. Okay. What does that even fucking mean? You've literally been doing this without me before you met me.

And now I'm just literally like helping you with production. You're just the groomer. I am literally the groomer come one come all. If you want to get groomed by Alex Cooper hit me up. Wait no I was actually more talking about like this like there was like a financial conversation. Did you see this?

People were saying like there's something I saw TikTok it was too much I was like too hammered and they were talking about like the renaissance.

Here's the thing. I don't relate to that concept because I at one point was fucking broke. And so I can talk about this shit. Like I worked fucking hard. You shut up. But me, no, I'm just kidding.

I got you. She's still in training wheels.

Moving on. What else should we talk about? You think people think I'm grooming you?

Wait, she's trying to pull all this information out? What does that mean?

What?

Bitch, I literally wish we had a fucking camera on us when we were in my fucking house drinking whiskey because we literally are speaking the exact same way. If not, no, you don't.

Welcome back to Extra Dirty. My name is Hallie Batchelder. And I had such a good time last night. I was thriving last night.

no you guys no i matt and i put hallie to bed one night we get to my house hallie is literally so drunk i'm pretty sober crossed i was so i don't smoke alec we get home and hallie's like one more nightcap one more nightcap and i'm like okay fine fucking shit and matt's like so excited he's like yes one more nightcap the whiskey so i start pouring her whiskey and i make us ramen noodles hallie was hesitant but she took the noodles i don't like food but i ate the ramen

So then we ate and we brought you upstairs to the guest bedroom. Hallie was like, I don't want to go to bed yet. You were literally stomping your foot. You said, I want a house tour.

Lauren, immediately gone. So we go upstairs and Hallie is like, show me your closet. She's walking around in my closet.

she's going into me and matt's bed we finally get her to into her room we have a threesome no that may peg me we get her into her room and hallie sits down on the carpet and she's like good night and we're like what are you doing she's like i was gonna just sleep on the bathroom floor there's a perfectly good king-size bed waiting for her so matt says sit the fuck down she sits down on the couch and matt proceeds to take hallie's feet and

And starts taking off her shoes. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Because you don't know, I don't know where this is going. And we're like, literally shut up. We don't undress her.

And this is where the grooming started. We tuck her into bed. And she went to bed. She wakes up the next day. She comes down for coffee. And she asks me for a fucking house tour. I'm like, I literally took you through my whole fucking house last night, you cunt.

Did you get to tell the fucking computer story?

Kelly, did you not watch our episode of Call Her Daddy?

Let's just run this back. Insert clip from Call Her Daddy. Let me guess what you did. You went up to the desktop, you pressed the space bar.

Okay, let's tell them what we did last night.

did you when you okay wait can we talk about how are you feeling about having a podcast now did you get a good response this is gonna be your second episode like how's the response been going I think it's been positive I think we got some I think shock values what's needed here did you hear from the terrorist

The man with the short story.

I didn't know if he would reach out to you being like, please don't talk about me.

So we went to a absolute rager.

Wait, are you coming tonight or no?

No I'm saying like I don't want you to feel like you have to. Graydon are you coming?

Alex does not want us to come.

I have to take this off.

We meeting Lauren's boyfriend last night was so fun.

We were in Delaware. Specifically Memorial Day. I feel like it only happens in Nantucket. Where are the locations it's happened?

It was fun.

See, I feel like you guys get fucking freaky on Nantucket.

Yeah, because it's kind of like Narnia. It feels like a fake land. Then you go back to reality and you're like, ooh.

Get in here now. Just a quick one, then get back in bed.

No, the best part of the night, you guys, is I'm standing at the DJ booth and all of a sudden I turn around and Graydon's eight foot body is literally laid up behind the DJ booth. And it wasn't like you on the ground, Graydon. He's in the other room being like, oh my God, help me. He was having a good time down there.

Who is better, you think?

Because it does. Were you in the front seat? Did you pull over?

Well, you were not giving it while you were driving.