Hannah McNulty

This is The Shorthand.

Interestingly, according to the National Library of Medicine, female gorillas are given the combined contraceptive pill just like humans.

Jesus Christ.

Why?

If they're critically endangered, why are we doing that?

It's like the opposite of what you have to do with pandas.

We have to literally hold them together to make them fuck with their little butt penises.

Why are we not letting them just breed?

I don't get it.

Oh, man.

I don't know.

But anyway, the zoo in Brownsville was hoping to breed from Harambe's mother, Kayla, eventually.

But she was a bit on the young side when she got pregnant and hadn't even started her birth control yet.

Despite the surprise pregnancy, the zoo had big plans out of the gate.

Harambe was going to be part of what they called a survival program.

I know, I know.

Now, they weren't actually fussed about reintroducing these babies, oopsie or otherwise, into the wild.

The programme was in fact entirely focused on keeping their pockets lined and other zoos stocked with attractions.

And like a happy story from 24 hours in A&E, Kayla, the underage mum, pulled through and gave birth to little Harambe, who immediately became the star of the zoo.

And they came up with Harambe.