Harlan Williams

Okay, so, Seth... how long have you been doing stand-up?

You started here in Dallas, and now you live in Los Angeles. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Okay. Is this your first time signing up for the show? It is. Or it's not. It's my third time. Okay. This is your first time on the show. Yeah. Okay. Are you any relation to Jack Nicholson? I wish, yeah. You have a crazy fucking face. Yeah, there it is. Wow, there it is. Look at that. Wow. I nailed it.

S-H-A-A-N on my fucking sheet. I had a 50-50 shot at it. Either could be Sean or Shane. This is what happens. That's the cameraman, Yoni, over there, giving me fucking S-H-A-A-N. Take a good fucking guess. Flip a coin. Never seen Sean spelled that way. But you gotta take a chance everywhere. That's Shane Greenberg. One more time. He's a Jew, I do believe. Greenberg.

We found uncle's nephew. So Zeth, you're out there, you're giving tours, you're in L.A., and you came here to celebrate your mom's birthday. Did it already happen? It did already happen, yeah. What did you guys do to celebrate mom's birthday?

200 bucks, you got your round trip flight for 200 bucks? Yeah. Where did you book? What airline is this? American. American. Oh, yeah. 200 round trip from LA to Austin. Incredible. Look at that. Oh, yeah.

Why?

Yeah. Exactly. All these fears for absolutely nothing. Tell us something you know about, guy. Have you really come close to dying at any point? Turbulence has zero negative effects on a flight. It's a natural thing. It doesn't mean fucking anything. Your risk of dying is the exact same as when the flight is completely smooth. I know this because, as some of you know, I'm a professional pilot.

I'm also a Canadian doctor. Very good. Perfect timing on that.

Yeah. It is true. It is absolutely true. What are you into? You can't possibly want to be a tour guide for your entire life, so what are your main goals?

You have a chance at owning your own gym someday. I would, uh, I would pull all efforts into that.

300.

Yeah, let's see that fucking, oh, shit, I do see, oh! Oh, my God, fucking absolutely.

Blurbulence. Can you use it in a sentence? The fat man on my plane was affected by massive amounts of blurbulence.

That is correct.

A bunch of children of the corn over here, Harlan.

Don't be afraid to look like a big, tall pussy.

I'm bricked up right now, man. Wow. What are you into, Seth? Do you have a girlfriend? You're 6'5", according to you? I don't. Hey, according to my doctors, too, okay? Really? Yoni, let's get a tape measure out here. I'm seeing 6'4 all day. Is anybody else thinking 6'4? This sounds like a 6'4 guy that's trying to add another inch. Yeah.

And this is Jay Stiles joining us on the keys, everybody. John Dees and Matt Muehling are out touring arenas with some big musician or some shit. I don't know what they're doing, but I like these guys. I like Jay Stiles and Sean Greenberg. And believe it or not, this is D Madness here on the bass guitar, everybody. Very exciting stuff. I am excited about this episode. It's going to be a doozy.

This guy's saying 6'3 1⁄2 right here. I'm hearing it. We have anybody? How many? Make some noise if you think he's 6'5". Literally nobody. Seth, pop off one of your shoes. Pop off one of my shoes? Yeah, we're doing it shoeless, buddy. Stand on that left foot. There you go. Uh-oh. Face the audience. Yep. I love how Yoni always makes him turn around. He goes that way.

All right, you're bending it a little bit, Yoni, just to let you know. Okay, that's perfect, right there. Yep, Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well. Six-four. Six-four. Take it from me, I'm 5'10".

No doubt about it. I know my guys. That's why I know you're 6'2". Seth, tell us the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here.

In what way is it intense?

What the fuck is Uncle Lazers, dude? Seth, I'm going to tell you what. I was going to give you a medium-sized joke book, but since you lied about your height by an inch, we're going to go one inch smaller, and I'm going to give you a little joke book.

Your first bucketful of the night is Seth Burton, everybody. Thank you, guys. Fun stuff, Seth. There he goes. Sign up again some other time. Maybe perhaps your mother's next birthday. You can come back and sign up. I don't think so. Every time you connect to an unencrypted network in cafes, hotels, or airports, your online data is not secure.

Any hacker on the same network can gain access and steal your personal data. It doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack someone. Just some cheap hardware is needed. A smart 12-year-old could do it. Speaking of which, a red band.

I personally love using ExpressVPN when we're on the road. It's important to know our data is safe in all the different cities we travel to. So secure your online data today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash Kill Tony to find out how you can get up to four extra months for free. ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. Kill Tony.

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That is a tasty lineup, Red Band. Download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Once again, download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. Run your game. All right. We're going to meet another one all together, ladies and gentlemen. Could be the next superstar of the show.

Who knows? Make some noise for Ian Simon. Here we go.

My God. Hi, Ian. How are you?

Hello.

The band? Okay. Hi, Ian. Over here, buddy. Over here, Ian. Oh, boy. Ian. Hi, pal. How are you, buddy?

Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up, Ian? Shit.

When you moved here four or five years ago to start doing it, what took you two or three years to start?

OK. How did he die?

Yeah, how many diseases?

Yeah. Okay. And what do you do for work, Ian Simon? All right.

Or accidents.

Is that a jewel underneath your eye? Is that a piercing of some kind? It's a piece of jewelry there. It's a dermal. It's a what? A dermal. What does that mean?

Okay, let me ask you this, Ian Simon. I'm going to ask you another question so you talking doesn't have to happen. I noticed during your set there was a part, because I pay a little bit of attention, I noticed a part where you were performing and you kind of went like that a little bit, right? Yeah, maybe. Were you pushing one of your teeth into your gum line? At least 16.

What, that's a different answer to a different question. I just threw a number out there. Do you even know what I just asked you? Yeah, something about teeth. Yeah, so 16 what?

Okie dokie, Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. You shouldn't be out in public anymore, Ian. I think we got a winner here. You win the silver crutch, my guy. Take that home. You won the silver crutch. Take it, take it. Absolutely. Yeah. You just handed a person a weapon on this stage, Harlan. There he goes.

There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes.

There he goes. There you go. Bye-bye, Ian. There you go, buddy. Have a good night. You're going to need it for those feet legs. Thank you, buddy. Wow. That was perfect. It was a perfect time. There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody. Austin police officer I just saw when the curtain opened. Pretty sure he's just going to get arrested now, everybody. This is a real live show. Anything can happen.

Well... Anything can happen here. Believe it or not, that guy's been doing it for two years. Okay. Make some noise for your next comedian. Lucas... Lucas Hinderlighter. Lucas Hinderlighter.

All right, I'm going to stop.

My bad. Welcome to the show, Lucas Hinderlighter. I'm happy to say you are the fourth comedian that went on stage today and the first one to do a joke. Congratulations. Hell yeah. It's a shocking episode. If there was a reverse silver crutch to give out, he would get it right now.

This is a crowd that likes to see someone get what they deserve. By the way, were you shrimping earlier today? What's going on here? You do have a look. You have a look like you were on a boat with a purpose. Yeah. Were you on a boat today? No. This is how you dress normally for land? No. No, this hat's new. I put this hat on today. I thought this was a good look. Where'd you get the hat from?

Yep. I had a feeling. It's got gas station energy.

Okay, yeah, it looks green. How about the shirt? What are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Wow, incredible.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? You know, every single week, I know I always hype up every single week because I book it so that it's entertaining for me. Well, this is one of those weeks where, without a doubt, it's entertaining for me and for the people. Because, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one-guest night. And that one guest happens to be the reigning...

Yeah, take a sip for that victorious joke. Guest of the year. Okay, Lucas Hinderleider. So welcome. Is your grandpa really a Nazi?

Oh, okay, perfect. For the Americans.

I mean, Vietnamese, Jews, both good at hiding, both good at math. They have a lot in common. Okey-dokey. Lucas, how long you been doing stand-up? About nine years. Nine years. Where at? Nine, nine, nine. There you go. Red band. No years, yeah. Red band. Where's your sound effect, red band? You did it, buddy. That's a big one for you. That's a big one for my little boy, isn't it? Where's it at?

Where's it at, buddy? You know where your sound effects are. Red band. With a 999. German reference. Yeah, I started in St. Louis. St. Louis. How long have you been in Austin? Like a year. Okay. What do you love about Austin, Texas?

What do you like about it?

You live out in the country here or something? You don't see people walking around?

Red Band's German. He's hinder lighter. He's hinder heavier. Yeah. You got you. Where's mine at?

It's interesting. You look Irish. You're wearing green. You got red hair. You're like a little Christmas guy. You're like the world's biggest elf.

Yoni?

Oh, yeah.

He did. He got a secret motorcycle without telling me. I don't like my people close to me on motorcycles. It's very unsafe. I don't trust the other drivers. So I found out that he got a secret motorcycle one day. That's one of the two things. He lives a secret double life when I'm not around. One thing he does is he has a motorcycle.

The other thing is he has wacky Martin Scorsese glasses that he wears, big producer glasses that he only wears when he thinks that he's not going to run into me that night. Yeah, isn't that funny? And every once in a while, I'll give him a rare night off, and we'll just randomly run into each other, and there he is with these big fucking Robert De Niro in his fucking prime glasses.

These obnoxious, magnified, just big square, and I'm positive. He goes from bar to bar going, I'm the executive producer of Kill Tony.

He's fucking, yeah, he went big. I care about the people close to me. And while Yoni is a very qualified motorcycle rider, driver, I don't like him being out there. I don't like Jews on BMWs. And I don't like Jews on motorcycles. It's... It's like Austin Drivers, man. Yeah.

defending, undisputed, guest of the year of 2024. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Harlan Williams. Make some fucking noise for Harlan Williams, people. Boom. Harland Williams of the Harland Highway. So many great things. One of the best comedians in the world. One of my favorite comedic actors. Thanks, brother. Dumb and dumber. Thank you.

Dinner? Yeah. That's called the old two for one. Okay. Free red chicken. Put the fucking mic down. Lukas Hinderleiter, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? You must have some interesting... Some collections or something?

Damn. Welcome to another episode of White Trash Bambi. This is incredible.

So let me ask you something, Lucas. Are you good at what you do? You good at selling motorcycles? You know what we're going to do here? We're going to have you sell me a motorcycle. Me, a guy who thinks that they are generally unsafe. Meanwhile, I'll fly an airplane with double engine failure because I don't have to worry about other people getting in my fucking way.

So now you sell me a motorcycle. Lighting and action. How you doing today, sir? I'm good. I really don't want to be here. I'm just killing time while my boyfriend buys a motorcycle. So your boyfriend rides? He rides all right. more of a nighttime rider after a couple drinks, and then he lays by his deer.

Well, you know, we were thinking about getting me a little side cart, but... I kind of think I want to ride solo a little bit, go out on some joy rides at night, separate from the pack, from the pack of men.

Oh, okay. Yeah, for sure. A little sportster? Yeah, a little sportster. A little sportster. What kind should I get, you think?

Okay.

You know what? I'll take two. One for me and one for the guest of the year, Harland Williams.

There you go. Lucas Hinderlighter. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go? Switch back to normal lights. The motorcycle part's over, thank you. No, happy to be here. You did good. You did damn good, Lucas. Sign up again. Here's the big joke book. We'd love to have you. Very funny interview. Funny stuff. Lucas Hinderlighter has arrived for the Kill Tony Universe.

Huh.

I had a Shadow once, and then I hired him as the bass player in the band. It's D-Madness.

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They make me feel amazing. That's exactly what I expect you doing for lunch, Red Band. That is an interesting insight into your life, and I appreciate it. Right now, get 10% off at takovas.com slash killtony when you sign up for email and text killtony. That's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S.com slash kill Tony to covis.com slash kill Tony. See site for details to covis.

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I get a little excited.

Where you from, Phil?

Oh God, Jesus Christ. Upstate New York, the absolute worst. How long have you been out of there? Since December. Congratulations. Yep. It's your first time being outside of Rochester?

Wow, incredible. Congratulations. How old are you?

And what did you put your finger up there for, for a second? You had like a hold on a second finger that you put up that I completely ignored because I'm the host. Go ahead. Hold it right there. Whenever you're ready, just do whatever you want.

I absolutely do. I do know that. And I just found out he's out there buying motorcycles, the fucking guy. Secret motorcycles with special big glasses on. Oh, you like him, all right. The Rochester connection, me and Yoni. I know, absolutely. You've talked with Yoni about this before.

Yeah, and Yoni's one of those people. Wow. Just think, after the inevitable motorcycle accident, he'll no longer be on that list. Thin in the pack.

You came here with five grand and?

where do you play online or real life?

In fact, yes, without a doubt. And the best heads up, a poker player in the world, Doug poke, you know, this guy, I met him here. Well,

I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. So by the time 1, 1.30 comes around, finally, here's this guy, Doug Polk. I'm Doug Polk. Nice to meet you. I'm the best heads-up poker player in the world. That's what everybody kept saying.

and i was already drunk at that point and i go i'm good at poker i'll fucking play you a heads up and he goes and we go okay so we bet um the bet was if he wins because he wanted to do a minute on this show if he wins he gets to do a minute on this show if i win he gives me twenty thousand dollars Get out.

So there we are at Mitzi's after an episode, and we play Heads Up Poker, me and the best in the world. Whoa. 20 minutes later, guess who won $20,000? Me. Thank you. Come on. For real? And at that point, since it had only been 20 minutes, but I was kind of warmed up, I go, I'll tell you what, even though I won, let's go double or nothing. Let's go $40,000 versus a minute of stand-up comedy.

And so I won $20,000. We doubled the bet to 40.

And he's going to be, any day now, he's going to be popping in on the show. So, yeah, he won. He won that second game. So be on the lookout for the best heads up. It was so much fun. No, it's not stupid. I said silly. Well, silly. Yeah, silly is fun. Was he hot at least? Oh, Red Band. God, you need to really give up on the carbs or drinking or something.

I don't know anything about that, but I'll tell you this. We had a hell of a good old time playing poker, and I can't believe that you're able to make a living doing it.

How are you going to pay rent at the end of this month?

OK.

Ooh, wee. I love it. This is very exciting.

So when you're playing poker, you're really, your heart's beating out of your chest because it's life or death.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you $2,000 if you kill a guy holding a single silver crutch outside in Austin, Texas.

Should be easy to spot. It should be. He's not using it. He's just holding it. He's carrying it around and he's probably being followed by police officers down the street. So it should be easy to find.

That's right.

Phil, anything else crazy we should know about you?

The one that needs it the most.

You're in a platonic relationship?

Platonic.

The silver crotch. we've found the sound effect of the silver crutch it is that red band has selected he never knows what sound's gonna play on his soundboard i was thinking it'd be more like someone's tripping downstairs okay let's do something like that not at the adams family house

Wow. Incredible. There he is. There he is right there. I have a few more questions now that we got a good real story out of you. Yeah. One is, when did you start hooking up with her? Was it before she started having feelings for you? No. This whole thing?

Well, mature of you, was there a chance, do you think, for you to make a real move there?

Wow.

You don't have to worry about that, Redman.

Very interesting.

Yeah, it's incredible.

This is incredible. It's a wild story.

So this guy didn't let her watch Kill Tony. Do you know why he didn't let her watch Kill Tony? That's such a random fucking weird thing.

Phil Smith, a great performance, a great interview. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Congratulations, Phil Smith, everybody.

If those are the people that aren't watching because the news told them that I'm a racist, those are the people I don't want watching. So it works out perfectly. I ended up with the exact fan base that I wanted to. People that... Focus on what's in front of them, not what they're being told by others. Or else I'd be a Nazi. That's what they called me. They said I performed at a Nazi rally. What?

This fucking guy.

Goddamn ABC network I'm competing against. Like what Kelly Clarkson was giving me. No, I'm kidding. Look at him. Look at him over there. Look at him, he's about to play the flute. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for one of our absolutely great esteemed regulars. I present to you a young man who is absolutely living everyone's dreams. You name it. New Netflix deal, new this, new that.

We'll probably find out all about it real soon. This is a brand new minute from one of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is Cam Patterson.

Harland, the reigning defending guest of the year. Here to perhaps be the first ever two-time guest of the year.

Cam Patterson has done it again. It was her first come? First come, first come. Wow, what did you have to do to do that? What did you do differently?

Yeah, but, like, do you remember, like, was there some type of thrusting motion?

Oh, no, no, nigga, wait a minute. I put...

Anything can happen.

I never knew this. This is good to know. White people's shit. Hell yeah, golf shoes. Just make sure it's not a waterbed you're on. Okay. Or else we know you can't swim. That would be a mess. That is quite the mess. So she told you that she had never come before. I always ask her. She always say no. You always ask.

You were ready to go to... You were ready to go to sleep. Night-night time, brother. You feel what I'm saying? Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Yeah, it's just a lot of cross-eyed energies. Oh, there's a little noise there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody called the police. They heard that.

Someone called the police.

Every once in a while, he takes the word co-host to heart and tries to ask his own questions. Who said that? Who told you that? Nobody. Nobody. Just says stuff randomly.

It is an interesting question, Red Band. Very interesting. Uh, so, Cam, what else is going on in life?

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

Over 200. Oh, dude. We're going to let this dying little boy here. He's very sick with something. I'm not sure what it is. He takes the name, he hands it off. It is legible. And you know how it works. When it's their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

I love it. Good for you. Yeah, yeah. Appreciate it. And if you ever need to be inspired by another great actor, just think about the acting of your girlfriend when she told you that you made her cum that one time. No, she did. I believe her now. I believe her. That time, I got her. That time, I got her. There's not a pair of Jordans in the world that are going to get you there, buddy.

Cam Patterson has done it again, everyone. That is... Yet another new minute from Cam Patterson. And back to the bucket we go. That's why you need Open Phone. Open Phone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications. It works through your app on your phone or computer, so no more carrying two phones or using a landline.

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That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and me and Harlan find out what the fuck is what. Stars are made and idiots are found. here out of this magical bucket, for this is the number one live podcast in the world, and you are the returning guest of the year. Let's start it off with a bang.

Liv Taylor. I'm excited about this interview.

The set was fucking, you know what it was.

But this interview, I'm real excited about because I love when people die near people that are on this show. It gives us something to talk about.

Odds of us dying have gone up by the people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight. Seems like they have a lot of death around them. D Madness is trying to leave right now. which is very telling because they have a sixth sense, those people. Oh, wow. And by those people, I mean the blacks, not blind people. There he goes.

He cheered for the husband dying. Fuck that guy. It doesn't really matter, Harlan. He was trying to be funny, but he didn't have the courage to sign up for the show because he doesn't have a full minute. He thought that he had a moment there. That caught me off guard. He's a stupid pussy.

So Liv, amazing that your name is Liv, even though everyone around you dies. Let's talk about it. How did your husband die? He flipped his truck. He what? He flipped his truck. He flipped his truck. Wow. It's amazing the difference between flipping a house and flipping a truck, right? One makes you money. The other ends your life. Yeah.

How did he flip his truck? What happened there?

Going off a ramp?

Oh, okay. An exit ramp.

Was he drunk?

Okay, a little bit. Yeah. By a little bit. Over the legal limit?

Probably? You never asked?

You broke up with him that night?

Okay, so you and him were at a strip club, you and your husband. Yes. Did he leave first or did you leave first? No, we left together. You left together.

Driving separate cars. Were you behind him?

You were in front of him?

Oh, wow. This is very interesting. Amazing for a guy that's been pounding on the sound effect board all night. We got nothing for flipping trucks and death and actual... Where are the sirens?

Sometimes he gets a little daydreamy when we need him the most. So you guys are arguing. What was the argument about at the strip club? Was he like looking at a girl too much?

So you were trying to save money?

Okay.

Okay. So let's just stick with the questions here, Liv. So you're trying to save money. You guys get into an argument because he wants to stay at the strip club.

How did you not want to leave the strip club but also not want to spend money?

That part doesn't matter to the story. But then when you get to the titty bar, all of a sudden you kind of want to stay there.

And he wanted to leave.

Interesting. So what was the last thing that you guys said to one another before he went and died?

Your first set tonight. is going to an old friend of the show, a very, very controversial character. Some people love him. Some people don't love him at all. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been watching him grow over the past couple of years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer.

You went to go party with his friends.

Wow. Unbelievable. Do you live with a bit of guilt from that? You think?

You did, but you're over it now. How long ago did this happen?

Wow, you got over it real quick, okay. Very cool. I like it. Do you have a boyfriend now?

You're completely single.

You moved here from Georgia just for this. How long ago did you move here?

Two weeks ago. Awesome. Yeah. There you go.

Go right ahead.

If you don't mind. No, I want to hear it.

Let's do it.

You're a vet tech.

Okay. And are you doing that here in Austin?

How much money did you save?

Oh, okay. So you have a little time. How much is your rent?

A ballpark.

$1,800.

Do you live by yourself?

Okay. So you have about six or seven months left. to get a job.

I know a gambler she'd do real well with. What do you do for fun, Liv? What are some hobbies?

Oh, cute.

Right. And you're having fun doing stand-up comedy at night? You enjoy it?

When did your mom die exactly?

Wow.

Okay. So you saw me in that big theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

Yes, the Cobb Energy Center. It is all coming back to me now. And... How did your mom die? She flipped her truck.

Really? What? Wow.

So was she walking or in a car?

And you were very close with your mom?

Until she got hit. Right. Yeah.

Okay. And have you always been a natural neon pink?

Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. All right, Liv. Well, congratulations. Now you know what it feels like at least. There are extremely bright lights and everything out there is dark and now you know for next time. So sign up again and write an actual minute and remember it. Oh, good catch. I threw that one a little high and hard and she got it. All right. Tough stuff there. I like it. I like it.

You like the death stuff. I like a good heavy interview. That's what this show's all about. Sometimes it's he, he, ha, ha. Sometimes it's boo, boo, bah, bah. Yeah. That's what I always say. Yeah. All right. This is a special moment right now.

Last week, we pulled out of the bucket a man who signed up for, I think, every Monday for over a year, and he had a good minute, but his interview skills were unbelievable. I swear to God, I think I'm bringing up for the second time ever who might be one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. I'm excited to see his second ever minute on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the short-awaited return of Alex Tarshun, everybody. Here we go.

Thank you. Wow, the return of Alex Tarshun. Unbelievable. I've been looking forward to this for a whole week. Thank you, me too. These people have no fucking idea the relationship that we built last week. Full disclosure, I'm black. He's black. Just in case he says the N-word at some point, he's black. Full disclosure, I'm also black. So look out.

So, Alex, I love this suit. Last week, your clothing was extremely questionable. This week, you come in guns-a-blazing. Did you just get this? Yeah, Amazon came through. Wow. Amazon Prime? Yeah. Wow. Look at that. How much was that? $75 for the suit.

Oh, all right. Speaking of, uh... Oh, damn.

That may be a 39-year-old reference, I do believe. But it was good. It was good. It was good. Death by an elevator. I learn something new every time I have Harland on this show.

Really? Yeah.

Yep. That's where you get all the great history teachings. There's no doubt about it. Not many people know that at all. In fact, nobody knows that because it definitely did not happen. But Harry Truman was killed by a volcano. This is history with Alex Tarshun. I'm very excited. So you got a brand new $75 suit off of Amazon, and you're still rocking the do-rag. Yeah, yeah.

That's always going to be part of you, isn't it?

Do-rag, don't socks. That's what they say. And Alex, you work at a pizza place.

You play a trumpet while you drive?

You have a trumpet, do you have a trumpet with you? Of course. With you right now? Yeah, I brought it. You brought it? Yeah. Get this fucking trumpet. Here we go. You gotta be kidding me. This guy, by the way, set a record last week for the longest interview.

ever in the history of the show, because we found him so goddamn interesting, at no point during the 24-minute long interview did he even mention playing the trumpet. That's how fucking interesting this guy is.

Well, I guarantee you he's going to win. He's a professional. But let's, sure, let's do it. Let's have the first ever Mexican trumpet off. Trumpet. And here we go. Your first ever trumpeteer on this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshun.

Wow. Absolutely incredible. All right, now the professional trumpet player is gonna play some... Oh, shit. Oh, he got that one note that you missed. Oh, shit. There you go. Red Band's jumping in with his trumpet sound effect. This is just a free-for-all at this point. Harlan's about to play a second crutch.

Harlan coming through with a victory.

It means that he's about to go do what?

Don't let anybody here throw you off with their scoffs and questions. What do we all do sometimes, Alex?

What kind of dreams would you like to come true? What do you want to do in Thailand, Alex?

Oh, I think we know what that means, right? What, uh, uh, uh? Yeah, when it comes to Thailand, you know what's over there. No. You have no idea what they do in Thailand? No. Lady ba-ba-ba.

What's a lady boy gold?

An interview genius. Eventually, this show might just end up being Alex Tarshun being out here for an hour and a half every week. You guys will see when you... Yeah. So, Alex, very interesting stuff. What else is going on in life?

You texted your ex-girlfriend that you got on?

And remind everybody why that's a big deal, your ex-girlfriend.

And then what happened?

He was pointing a gun at you? Yeah. Do the joke that you did while a guy was pointing a gun at you. Okay. What I said was... First of all, did you say like, hey, don't shoot me. Let me do a joke. Pretty much, yeah. What did you say exactly?

He pulled the gun on you, and that's the first thing that you said? Yep. Wow. And then what did he say? He said, all right. And he's holding it like this or sideways? He was sitting in the car, so he was just pointing up at me. Wow. Okay. So you say, want to hear a joke? He said yes, and then you go.

Did the guy laugh? Yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible. My God. And then what happened?

Oh, yeah. Someone in, yeah. A lady in Portland. Yeah. Has it all figured out. That sounds about right. Yeah. I know Portland well enough to know that those are the types of people that think they have it all figured out. I'm in the circuit. Perfect.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, those Portland people.

I'm the bad man. Meanwhile, she lives in a neighborhood where people in cars are rolling up, pulling guns on innocent people.

But I'm the bad guy.

Because I said something. Some words. I said words. So Alex Tarshun, what else is going on in life?

Tell us what happened on Tuesday.

Right. Tell them I have two dogs. And you're going to sneak in eight dogs. Yeah. A fun fact about Alex is he has eight pit bulls. How did they find out? What are the odds that the apartment building found out the next day after you talked about it in front of the world?

Oh, they heard the eight pit bulls playing around, fighting.

That makes sense. So what are you realistically going to do for an apartment, Alex Tarshun? You're out there delivering pizzas for a living.

I think you can say it. I should. You should. You should be able to say it.

Well, those both mean black.

How do you know you're not going to be able to get your teacher's certificate?

All right. Harland.

Yeah, it doesn't really pop up. How do you spell your last name again? It's T-A-R-C-H-O-U-N.

Damn. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's definitely you. I have your hat on here. Wow. That is incredible. How do we find it? Is it a video?

I don't really know. We kind of make the rules as we go along here. Lazer's a special guy.

Alex Tarshun, ChatGPT says, Alex Tarshun was involved in an incident where he made a prank call to a suicide prevention hotline which led to his arrest and charges of second degree false incident report and disorderly conduct. Is that true?

This fucking guy's incredible. Thank you. This is the only show where people get an applause break for being arrested for pranking a suicide holler.

Wow, what did you do there?

You just wanted to go along for the ride.

And was your hair completely braided at that point? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Did you get the magical mugshot that you had hoped for? I really did. I really did. Let's go back to Alex.

It is?

So you have a cartoon, too.

Yeah, he has a wildly successful cartoon. Tell Harlan the name of your cartoon. What is it?

And what's it called?

There you go. There you go. Just in case you were wondering. Self-described half black, half... Moulinon. That's right. Absolutely incredible. This guy... Yeah, friend of yours? You can ask him anything, and you get an unbelievable answer every goddamn... All the stuff that we found out this interview, we didn't talk about last week. It's been 17 minutes he's been up here.

Time flies with Alex Tarshun.

Is that a side effect? Are you on something?

Lot of bleeps this episode coming in.

There you go. Yeah, Red Band keeps trying to Google your cartoon. I need to delete my search history. He typed in the name of your cartoon and Belbib DeVoe popped up for some reason. So... Alex, last week, at the last second of many minutes of interview, we found out that your shoes were falling apart. Show the audience.

Is that too many of those? I noticed it took, I measured it, seven seconds before you said anything. You really made a point to make sure the mic stand was where you needed it. You're looking at everybody. What is he doing? He's singled him out. Your tongue goes a little wild on Cinco de Mayo. I've been snorting to heem since I got up this morning. Wow. Look at that.

Lift it up and pull it down so that people can see. You see that? And this guy's out there delivering pizzas, hustling, getting kicked out of his apartment, taking care of eight dogs. So we have a gift for you. The lovely Heidi is bringing it out. It is your size. It's a brand new pair of Nikes. Bust those things out and pop them on there, Alex. Just pull them out.

There you go, Alex. A pair of my favorite shoes. Yeah, put them on. Put them on, Alex. Put them on, you son of a bitch. Take off those dirty fucking shoes. You should start wearing socks, Alex.

Yes. Yeah, you could ask fucking anybody. They would have told you yes. You didn't have to go to chat GPT. You didn't have to use that kind of technology. Red Band's really ramping up to say something here, everybody. Why do you wear that hat every week?

There you go. Was it worth it? We already talked about the thing. It's good. How did the shoes feel?

You have the vibe of a Hot Wheels car. It's very, very death in an elevator, if you will.

So we're going to throw those old shoes out.

Yeah, if you want to, yeah. Yeah, you could do that if you want, Alex. Congratulations. You have new shoes. Another set and interview down the hatch. Thank you, Alex.

There he goes, everybody. There he goes. He bought a new suit just for this. $75 on Amazon Prime.

Yeah, I think they were like 120 bucks. Nice, guys. They're my favorite shoes, so I got them a pair of my own favorite shoes.

I bought them once. Wow. In New York City from the Nike store.

And I was surprised at how great they are. They're my favorite shoes. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Nicholas Hartley, everybody. Here we go.

Red Band's celebrating Cinco de Mayo. He loves mayonnaise. Son of a bitch. So much. He loves mayo. And pickles. And pickles.

Absolutely. Nicholas Hartley. Some Family Feud material. We love the feud around here. Yes, sir. Yeah. Okay. You don't like the Family Feud?

Why?

How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half. What do you do for work? I work at a Mexican restaurant. Wow. What do you do at a Mexican restaurant?

And they go, no. Okay. How long have you been serving at this Mexican restaurant?

Rugby. Professionally. Yeah. You were getting paid to play rugby. $19 an hour. $19 an hour. How many hours a week would you do that?

Oh, okay. Yeah. I still did it. You're left-handed? Yeah. Absolutely incredible.

Yeah. I love it, Lazer. So what's been going on, dude? Just hanging out.

Yeah. Tough business. Yes, sir. Rugby is a tough business.

You were a cheerleader in high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing because I picked up on those energies as well. I could feel male cheerleader energies.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first toe touch of the evening. Wow. Wow.

Your dad doesn't like the fact that you were a male cheerleader? Well, he doesn't like gays. I'll say that. Well, he probably wasn't going to like this show anyway because I am the host. So let's talk about it. This is all very interesting. Was the stuff with your grandpa real?

Oh, I love it. That is incredible. Do you ever video record him watching it? Not at all. You should. I would love to do that. Yeah, that's a great idea. Turn this bit into a fucking reality show. People would love to watch a racist old guy fucking watch the feud.

What's the most racist thing you've ever heard your grandpa say?

Wow. Absolutely incredible. There you go. Yes, sir. Just about pulled. All right, all right.

That one hurt a little bit. Okay. Oh, dude. Yes, sir. Absolutely perfect. What'd you say, D Madness? I'm glad he did. Oh, shit. No, you can't be mad at him. He's not racist, D. He's talking about his grandpa, D. Yeah. You just like the fact that he would hurt himself because he has a racist grandpa? Not really. Okay, perfect. Well... We didn't really get much of anywhere with that talk.

Nicholas Hartley, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours now that you're out of the rugby game and you're working at a Mexican restaurant? When you're not doing stand-up, what else do you like to do?

Yeah. Very interesting. Do you have a love life? Is there a particular lover out there?

Why would it cause friction?

White's fighting.

How long have you been with her?

All right. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to figure this out, Nicholas Hartley. I feel like I'm a question away from figuring out something. What scares you?

We do all that work.

You're afraid of heights?

And you were scared the whole time.

All right, Nicholas.

What do you think you should have been arrested for?

Wow.

I think I know about a guy on an exit ramp that saw one of those and tried to stop real quick. For sure. Flipped his truck.

Wait, what is going on, dude? Holy shit.

Anything else crazy we should know about you, Nicholas? Any other fun facts about your life? Grandpa was racist. What about Grandma? Did you ever hang out with Grandma?

Oh, my God.

Yeah. She puts on a front like she's not racist, but then she whispers to her little favorites. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's perfect. That means you're doing something right. Thank you.

Yes, sir. Well, Nicholas, congratulations. You got on the show. You did it. Thank you. Thank you. Caught a little low toss there. Let's have some more fun. Your next bucket pool is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. So it's probably going to take her a while to get up here. Make some noise. It is one of you representing this audience. Make some noise for Cassandra Hartford, everybody.

Cassandra Hartford. There she is, right in the middle. Normally, a fun fact, the audience sign-ups normally don't do as well as the comedians. That's why a lot of people are leaving right now. These people have to go open up their food truck. They have a food truck that they run together. By the way, shout out to R&B's Steakhouse making cheese steaks for us tonight.

Here is Cassandra Hartford, everybody. Make some noise for Cassandra.

Cassandra Hartford actually doing pretty good for an audience, Bucket Pool. Incredible. You said retard 11 times during your set, but you know what they say. If you are one, you're allowed to say the word. So congratulations. Welcome, welcome. This is the first time we've had our own Hawk Tua girl on the show. This is very exciting. Hawk three-a over here, we'll call you.

Like a new model of Hawk two-a. What brings you to Austin, Texas? Do you live here?

What part of Florida?

Uh-huh, okay. And you're just visiting Austin?

Wow. I've never heard of them. What kind of music is that?

You know about them? You know about nothing musically. How do you know about them?

Wow, you're looking at dudes playing music. What's going on over here? Look at my little cultured co-host over here. I never knew you had it in you.

Penny and Sparrow.

Considered folk. Folk? Their biggest song is called Slaves. There's kind of a theme tonight. I don't know if anybody's catching on to it. Trying to get away from the racism thing in my reputation right now. And episodes like this don't help at all. I'm here for a concert. Penny and Sparrow. You might know them from their hit Slaves. Couple white guys singing about slaves. All right.

And what's your story? You're married. You have a big, big diamond on that finger. Whoa. How long you been married for?

Let me just tell you. Let me just tell you. There's a theme tonight. I don't know if you've been watching this show. But you better get married because he could die at any point. Why do you think you've been engaged for three years and he hasn't pulled the trigger yet?

It's up to you now. Why are you hesitating on planning a wedding?

Summer's Eve. Am I right? Juice your mouth. I love it. So what do you do for work, Cassandra Hartford?

There's 18. There it is. Your special trick.

Wow. Look at that. What does your husband-to-be do? Manages money. He manages money. Is he good at it? I think he's pretty good. You have a nice home as a commercial real estate broker? Yeah, we do. Yeah, we're okay.

This is the longest sex story ever. I mean, if you're going to make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines laser. This is criminal. I'm just talking about my life.

Damn it, that felt good! How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Hola! And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That is Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. I gotta say, he's bigger than ever. He looks fucking huge today. That is Shane Greenberg on the guitar, everybody. Am I saying that right, Shane? Sean? All right.

You don't have eight pit bulls? No. What kind of a car do you have?

You don't like your Tesla?

It's so funny, Tesla was always a liberal car. It used to be, it used to be. The funniest thing that's happened. Save the planet, everything against oil and gas. Same with all the people that they, all the good people. They're considered MAGA now. Isn't that interesting?

So if you want a Honda Prius. Or even in your case, you can put retard on it. Yeah. Yep. And then everyone will know it's you. It's the retard girl. Cassandra Hartford. What do you do for fun, Cassandra?

You do stand-up. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

Right. So did you perform five hours ago?

So you wrote that. You wrote your six retard jokes and decided to do this today.

What?

No, he doesn't fucking know. I want to hear it from you, not from fucking Redback.

So, you first went on stage about a year and a half ago?

Okay. Why would you say five hours then?

This is... This is a fucking... This is a bleep fest is what's happening right now. People hate the bleeps. It's like an eight-minute show tonight. Yeah. So in a year and a half, you think you've been on stage five hours is what you're saying.

Okay.

Do you have fun when you perform stand-up comedy?

Do you make friends that are comedians?

Do you have more friends in the real estate business or the comedy business?

Mm-hmm.

Are you good at selling commercial real estate?

You are?

You have your own company. Yeah. Right. So good at it that you started your own company.

Okay. We're down to seven. Where did you meet your husband to be at?

At a comedy show? Were you performing?

What was the comedy show? Just a mic in Melbourne, Florida. You guys were just at a random open mic together?

And you guys were sat next to each other?

He doesn't do stand-up, though?

Okay. No, no, no. You're the funny one in this relationship. Yeah. What are you doing, Red Band? You're doing physical comedy.

You've got Colton Christie over here, very excited about the front pocket acknowledgement on a podcast. Cassandra, most interesting thing about your life before I let you go.

You were?

Wow. So how old are your kids now?

17 and what?

Wow.

My goodness.

And who was that guy? Do you still talk to him?

Right. Is he a good guy? Does he have a steady job?

You don't know?

And you let him nut inside of you all the time? Did you not know how the birds and the bees worked?

You didn't?

But he was finishing inside of you. I'm aware.

Ah, the old Florida fucktuary.

That's what happens.

The old pepperoni pit set, the old double-stuffed crust. The old elephant ear.

In, like, a race car bed? Yeah. Were there posters on the wall? Do you remember if there were posters on the wall?

I didn't realize that the character Jenny from Forrest Gump was based on you. That really is a rough upbringing, being raised in a carport. Wow. Wow.

We never got to have sex at her place. Cassandra lived in a carport. So I had to nut inside of her in my race car bed. I kind of sound like Joe White. I nutted inside of her, Tony. Where's Joe White at? Get him up here. Where's he at? Some of you might not know, but we have a house photographer that's 175 years old and he has one of the funniest voices you've ever heard. We couldn't have sex.

Where is he? He's coming up the stairs. Oh, this is going to take forever. Wow. My goodness. And how about this new man? Where is he? Where's this supposed hot fiance of yours? Where's he at? Glasses. Which guy? Oh, look at that guy. Wow, look at fucking Clark Kent over here. Holy shit. And how about him? Do you let him finish inside of you like you did the old boy back in the day?

Uncle Lazer, we're going to get you out of here.

Does this guy do the old fucking dump and pump?

The old creme de la creme. The old frosted flake.

The old... All right, where the fuck's Joe White? Okay, Joe White. Here's Joe White, everybody. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. There he is. Our photographer since... Wait, don't take her mic, Joe. Joe, give her her mic back. We got a special mic for you. You crazy old batty bastard.

Way to get it started. Uncle Lazer. Uncle Lazer might be... He might need two of these.

Let's do a version of the Forrest Gump music, but not exactly so that it sets off the YouTube sensors. And then, Joe, I want you to say, I want you to say, I want you to say, we couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport. Ready? One, two, one, two, three, four.

Perfect. Perfect. If podcasts gave out Emmy Awards, I swear to God, we would win one. I swear to God. Perfect. All right. Perfect. How about a hand for Joe White, ladies and gentlemen? We love you, Joe. Biggest pimp in the world, guys. Not a lot of people know this, but he's the one that took the picture at the Last Supper. Uh... He's a photographer for Paul Revere back in the day.

So many great things. That was him. Here is a big joke book, Cassandra. We're going to give it to you, even though your set was just okay. I like your energy and your attitude. Cassandra Hartford. Oh, that's what happens when you keep your hand in your pocket. They're not ready. Cassandra Hartford. All right, let's get one last bucket poll up here. We're in overtime now.

Make some noise for Jovan Afzali. Or Johan, perhaps?

There she is, ladies and gentlemen. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody. Wow. Thank you. Unbelievable. Wow, there's a desperate horny man in the middle of the room yelling things at Heidi. Okay, to the bucket we go. This is where we meet people. Chaos happens, and we find out more about them. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

An incredible set. Wow. Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pool all night tonight, all in one 60-second set. Harlan Williams.

Incredible. And you've been on this show before, right?

But it did not go that well last time, right? No, I think, yeah. You're showing growth. It happens. It's a natural thing. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Another upstate New York. Absolutely incredible.

So what are you cooking? You're basically deep frying wontons, edamame?

What's the best sauce that you're looking forward to making?

Well, I see why you would say that, which is cool and all, dipshit. But that would make it EJ. Or else you would just go the first two letters of both fucking words.

Going to your first bucket pool goes by the name of Zeth Burton, everyone. Zeth Burton.

I give these people a fucking shot. They want to get a goddamn fucking attitude. It's getting a fucking little joke book now.

You had a little one last time you were on, right?

23. What's the longest set you've ever done?

Red Band, what are you going to say?

Is it Jovan? Am I saying that right? Jovan? Jovan. Jovan, congratulations. Indeed, you are getting a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Jovan Afzal. Very good set, Jovan. Sign up again. Jovan Afzali. All right. That was fun.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the record-holding Hall of Famer, ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Diablo a la Dairy Queen.

Thank you. Very good. 57 seconds from the master. So I was three seconds off, Tony? Really? It was close. God! 57 seconds. Fuck! How does that make you feel?

You did really good. Speaking of short... What are these camo shorts you're rocking tonight, William? We've never seen this before.

You have different donors?

Whoa, red band recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago. Nailing it.

How do you remember that? Harlan says them to somebody else, and then he does them. It's incredible. He's a master of the craft.

What made you fall in love with those camo shorts? Are you hunting on your knees? Oh, no. I'm just, I don't know, Tony.

That's David Lucas merch. You doing a little duck hunt?

What are some of your favorite duck dishes? Mekong duck. Peking duck. Okay. Peking duck. Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here.

Wow. How about goose? Have you ever eaten goose? Shit, Tony, I ain't ever eaten goose. No, but seriously, no, I don't like goose. You don't like goose. Have you tried it?

Wow, Red Band's been waiting a long time for a gay flamingo. Wow, absolutely incredible.

Yes. She did do that, didn't she?

Seriously. You're very excited about this partnership with St. Jude. What are some of the ailments that these kids have?

How about, are there any more cancers that you could rattle off?

What kind of skin cancer do you have?

We're trying to get the party started here. We're trying to get a little momentum. I know.

Red Band laughed pretty hard at that. I don't know if you caught that, William.

Yeah, incredible. We'll do whatever we have to do. If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes. Okay, okay. My favorite pair of Nikes. Well, thank you. Absolutely. Now, let me ask you this. Let's say you do end up getting diagnosed with skin cancer and they say, look, we could treat you, but the only place we could treat you is St.

Jude's Children's Hospital. And unfortunately, all the beds are filled right now. And it turns out that your plan of rowing for the children backfired because you raised so much money for the kids rowing that there's no longer a bed available for you. What would you say to the kids out there that have cancer at St. Jude's

Absolutely perfect way to end tonight's episode. This has been, believe it or not, the number one live comedy show in the world, Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the silver goat, Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. God bless you.

Of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out the Harland Highway, the funniest podcast out there without a doubt. Guest of the year, Harland Williams, reigning, defending. Shout out to Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg for joining the band tonight. One more time for D Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in.

It is of Harland Williams, and it is incredible. Check that out.

That's it? Do you want to finish? Was there something big that you're getting to there? I mean... Harlan's saying no. Go, go, go. No, go ahead. Finish it.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Ooh, a little Casey Rockett. It's been a while since we've seen the sweet crab man. KC Rocket out there touring all around the world. Business is booming.

We will see you guys soon. Madison Square Garden. Still a few tickets remaining, and I'm doing stand-up the night before. Me and some of your favorite characters on the show doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden. I don't know if you guys know this, but Last time I was there, I got into a little bit of trub trubs.

So it'll be fun to be back at my favorite arena in the world, the most famous arena in the world. Tickets are on sale now, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And yeah, that's about it. Live audience, thank you guys. We love you.

I mean... Wow. All right, Zeth Burton. Let's talk it out here for a second.

Yeah. Strangely enough, we have heard of two 12... 100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12. Yeah.

Jesus, Seth, shut the fuck up. Holy shit. All right, let's talk about it. Put the crutch down for a second. Oh, my God.

Yeah, no, I was legit. Can I see your titty flashers again? Dude, it looks like you had your stomach stapled and they missed.

I think it's obvious he's a Greek sponge fisherman.

That's right. You're right. That's correct.

Dude, would you do us all a favor? Like, I feel really selfish, but would you mind turning around and showing the crowd the muffin top on the back of your head? Let's see it.

You should get that buttered. And then pierced. And then let Joe Biden sniff it.

I don't know what it is with your physique, but I want to make love to you in a corn maze. This can be arranged. I was fucking around, guy. I was not. Okay, what time and what field? I will find it, we'll find it. I'll send you a John Deere letter. Oh please, sir, do so.

How far back did you blast?

So was the guy before you's tits.

I owed you one. This guy's gotten cocky since he's legal, huh?

Come on, Thomas the Train. Keep going. Keep going.

Dude, dude, he doesn't need it. He's got personality.

Thank you.

Go ahead, say something. Tony, thanks for having me here. And I just want to say I have seven brothers and sisters. My brother Chris, who I hate, he's here tonight in the top. He told me he was suicidal. Jump, you prick. Have fun tonight and Wang Chung tonight.

Thank you.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't give him a book. The fucking guy can't read.

How many optometrists have you caused to commit suicide? Be honest. I plead the fifth. All right, well, I plead the six. Fuck you.

Isn't that really cool to give someone a standing ovation in a wheelchair?

I was going to say the same thing. She looks great, especially wearing Joe Biden's lingerie.

Why don't you go over and sniff her?

A triple dog dare ya. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Get over there, Biden. You know you want to do it. Wow. Get over there and sniffer good. Someone's getting snipped. Sniffer, Biden. Get over there.

Wow. I love ribs. You got any barbecue sauce?

That's me. Stupid.

It's hard to take them off, yeah. You might want to insert it first. Don't tell me how to live my life.

What happened? I think it all comes back to the joystick.

What's on the back, though? It looks like it's a gang jacket. What's your gang? Rose Ave. Rose Ave Dogtown. So like a flower gang. A flopper gang? Flower. Oh, yeah, I guess so. Wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley and get pollinated. I would take you down, dude.

How about he went through puberty when he was 12 on his head?

Dude, how bad of a driver do you have to be to drive through a zoo? Do you notice he's always smiling, no matter what? You've got a permanent, like, happy grin. Like, have you ever really hit, like, a kid in a wheelchair and you're just like...

He has two too, pants up, pants down.

I shouldn't say that in front of a sold-out arena.

You're going to get a taxidermied and put it in the living room or something, guy? Yeah. It'll fit in a corner.

Tony, Tony.

Can I ask a big favor? Yeah. Stop the music, guys. Hold on. Hold on. Hold the music here. It's a new year, right? Uh-huh. I think I want to send the message we go into the new year helping people. This may be unprecedented, but... For 30 seconds, could you bring back out the guy with the kooky eyes? I want to help him. I want to cure him. Do we have the guy with the kooky eyes anywhere?

The guy with the kooky, wiggly eyes. There he is. Deepak. Can we bring him back up? Here he is. Bring him back out. Just give me 30 seconds. I got a cure for this guy. Bring him out on stage. I want to go into the New Year helping, solving this, guys.

Zoom in again on those eyes.

A little tighter. Oh, my God. Now, let me ask you, buddy, do you want me to cure you? Keep looking at the camera, Deepak. I'm over here. I'm thinking about you. Just say yes. Just say yes, it's fucking show business. Say yes. Do you believe in me? Do you trust that I can heal you, Deepak?

Okay.

Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, he is scared.

You're never going to make it into Sin City 2 now, unfortunately.

Deepak, just for old time's sake, put your finger on the glasses like that. Hold them steady. Yeah, hold them. Now shake your head.

Those are for you. You are healed, my man. Welcome to 2025. 2025. Healing is alive in 2025.

What about the bracelet? What's the story on the bracelet, my guy? Hey, move forward a bit. You're kind of hiding behind everyone. I can't see. There you are. Tell us about the bracelet, my guy.

You know we're like 3,000 miles from the nearest ocean, right, buddy? Yeah.

Why do you have a fucking shark tracker?

Okay. Did she ever give you any hammerhead?

And wiggle your eyes back and forth like you're in an earthquake.

Here, put a condom on your microphone.

He should be attacked by a shark, that fucking guy. Look at him.

Oh, yeah, that's the kind of jokes we like. That guy's standing for that one. Just absolutely wrong.

Dude, that mustache, I gotta ask you, the way it's twirled up on each side, just so I know, is there a woman somewhere tied to a railway track right now?

It's fucking hard to hear about the homeless from the guy who fucking owns Monopoly.

You know you're going to be homeless in a week, right? Can't wait. At least there'll be lots of strays you can beat the shit out of. That's how you get good at it.

Yeah, looks like you just came from a badminton tournament. What the hell's going on? Badminton? Yeah. What's that? It doesn't matter. It's you make iced tea.

I was gonna ask, bro, that whole run you did about the chicken in the park. Yeah. Is there any chicken left? Because Daddy's starving.

Sorry, what? Did you say a BB gun? BB gun. He calls that a stutter gun.

Gee, ew.

Wait a minute, this is Biden? I thought this was Arnold Palmer for Christ's sake.

You ever fart backwards and suck a full hot dog wiener inside?

Right, there it is. Aren't you a dispensary in a way? Yes.

You ever squeeze out chocolate chip cookie dough and make fucking cookies?

He ain't going pee with that walk.

Wow, what a treat. Holy crap. Look at this. Saatchi couldn't decide if she wanted to be a Smurf or Barney for fuck's sake.

He's the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Give me an interjector just real quick. Have you ever eaten a baby? Hang on, sorry. Fucking Lyme disease. Sin of an angel's fly-fly away would like to write a check to help this young fella on his way. I love it.

Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet. How about that? This is the only guy I know. Everyone else in the country has Lyme disease. This guy's got key lime pie disease.

You're my bitch tonight. How about that?

Therapy, therapy, therapy. I'm very emotional right now. How could I know this was gonna happen? Holy smokes, this was unexpected. I really didn't even have any idea that this was gonna happen. And to be named comedy sex machine, is unbelievable. I really had no idea this was going to happen. But honestly, I'm very grateful. You know, I just threw them on the ground. I don't care. Hang on.

I got to snort some. I had to snort some color, whatever they are. I'd like to thank a few people, if that's cool. I'd really like... Sir, if you could sit down, I'm in the middle of a fucking speech. I hate when my dad comes to these things. I'd like to thank Donny's Face Braces.

As you know, my sister's eyes were this far apart for about four years, and Donny got the braces on her eyes, and her faces are back together. I want to thank Crab Legs Are Us. My sister has demented legs and walks like a crab, so I want to thank her. And I want to thank one of my earliest comedy influences.

I didn't know what comedy was until I was a little boy, and I was watching Sesame Street like we all did. And there's someone I want to thank on Sesame Street, the Count. Who knew that even numbers could be so hilarious?

Three, don't spoil it, fuck you. Four, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Folks, I want to thank Tony. He's doing a great thing, bringing comedy to a whole new level. Unbelievable. It's really unbelievable. Sort of starting a whole new revolution in comedy. Joe Rogan, who kicked it off with his wonderful podcast and everything he's contributed. Joe, you're amazing. Tony.

And folks, my joy in life is to bring laughter to you guys. So the only thing I'd ask in return, go to my podcast, The Harland Highway. Everyone watching, subscribe. Take five seconds, subscribe. And let me bring the laughter to you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe Biden, if you know who you are. And I love you guys.

And I'm going to promise this year to keep fixing more freaky, fucked up eyes. Thank you.

Yeah, well, I brought the eyes. If I had to read a speech, I was going to say, let me put my glasses on. And I realized that guy with the shaky rattlesnake eyes was a godsend, and I had to give it over to him. So that's called comedy karma right there. Thank you, Lord. Tell them about Dimitri. Dimitri.

Okay, so when Joe had me on his podcast, which, by the way, give a hand to Joe and his fucking podcast, man. This guy... The best in the world. So when Joe had me on his podcast, I went in at the beginning. I had another thing in my pants. I had a big, long, like two foot long rubber snake. And when I sat down with Joe at the beginning, I told him I had a tapeworm.

And at the end of the show, it was sitting in my pants for three hours. I pulled it out at the very end. And my proudest moment is Joe left it on his table. We did it about five months ago, right, Joe? He left my little tapeworm named Dimitri on his table. And about two months ago, he did an interview with the most powerful man in the world, Donald Trump, the future president of the United States.

Yes! And I told Joe I was so happy because sitting between Donald Trump and Joe Rogan was Dimitri, my tapeworm. So thank you, Joe. I love you, buddy. Thank you, everybody. Harlan Williams. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band.

I won't eat that, man. Ron Jeremy does the quality control on those. Who is that? He makes iced tea.