Jake Coulter

So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth? About the girl with teeth in her coochie? Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with a girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of checking for monsters under the bed.

But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck.

I just reached a year in September. You reached a year in September.

Probably, you're right.

Well, it all started when I was seven.

No.

I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head. Oh my goodness. There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, okay.

Well, no. See, what happened was me and my friends were doing stupid shit at the bowling alley, being the annoying kids, throwing it halfway down the... You're so gay.

He's not gay.

Yeah, and so I decided I was going to throw it over my head, and I talk with my hand, yes.

Oh, no, I just, I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back. Oh. And went, boom.

No, it didn't hurt at all.

Y'all keep saying I'm gay.

Yes.

I'm unemployed now.

They didn't tell me. They just told me that Texas is an at-will state. It's an at-will state. And they didn't need my services no more.

Domino's Dollar General.

Dollar General. Dollar General, wow.

At-will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you.

If I can chew them, I'll say I'm gay. Hell yeah.

I mean, I've been called gay my whole life. That ain't nothing new.

Yeah, I know. I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony and his favorite place to be is on his toe knees. Oh, boy.

No, corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed.

Since June. Okay.

Yeah, I just found out I'm gay, so if there's more money, I'll be gay.

Yeah.

I got a big one.

Basically, my name is Sean Lennon. I'm from Brooklyn. Vinny called me up and said, we're going to kill, kill Tony. I said, no phony. I got some cowboy boots and a half-bought Ronaroni. I stepped on a plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony. Where's he at, bro? And I said, oh, shit, it's comedy. So I left it to my boy, the ShamWow guy.

He said, oh, my, but you didn't know because kill Tony said, why? We don't like rap. We don't like that crap. I don't care if you're from Howard Stern. Take it back.

It's like a hip hop comedy show.

Next question. Wow, the security guy, also PR. I have to leave now.

So did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal because that's how you create supreme beings? Like... Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs. Flushing your cum down the toilet sends it to the ocean. Sends it to the ocean, getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids.

But see, I'm gullible and white trash, so the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I've seen on TV, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughters.

Like, I've seen The Little Mermaid, so obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some Octobitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kid's voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality.

Thank you, thank you. I remember you. Oh, I hope that's a good thing.

I hit a year in September, so about a year and a half now.

You thought I was retarded.

I don't think I have one besides, like, social anxiety. Okay. All right. I mean, like, I could put my foot over my head. I don't know if that's a condition. You could put your foot over your head?

I'm sorry.

What do you do for work, Jake? I just started at HEB. Oh, nice! The best...

What exactly do you do at H-E-B? So, I'm cross-functional, so I do everything.

Well, I just got through orientation, so next I'm gonna be a bagger on Wednesday. Wow, that's incredible.

Well, I think it's just one day. Yeah, put the things in the bags.

Right. Yep. I was confused by that. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, it's okay. Next week, I'm gonna be in the tortilla-ria. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't know. It's what my schedule says. The Tortilleria is a part of the H-E-B. Yeah, I really hope so. Wow.

Yeah, it's in the back.

26.

I have a 155-pound Great Dane. You have a 155-pound Great Dane. Yes.

I was trying to be different. Okay. Very cool. Seemed easy to spell.