James McCann

Look out. More detail than ever got to be put into that one.

Steelers nation, baby. There are no gay people in Pittsburgh. Or black people, actually. Come to think of it, there's not a big... But that was big for you, the Super Bowl? Oh, yeah. Great. Okay. I let Tony do the questions. All right, there you go, yeah.

Three years.

Must be a big steak. Tomahawk. What do you mean? She's been cooking that steak up for three years. Must be huge. What, it wasn't worse than geese fire.

It's business and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things. Goodness me.

You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work. Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship. The lesbians manage to do it every single time. Exactly.

Get the Hallmark Channel on the phone, because I think that is a love story that they're ready to immortalize.

Every night. So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of. If you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.

No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly. It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation. Am I wrong? No. 50-50, you'd go, I understand that. 75-25, even then, it kind of checks out. 70-30 is... You gotta have... It's gotta have happened like four times in different ways back and forward. Black and Scottish.

Welcome, welcome, James. You do an art podcast.

She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again. I'm... Whoa.

I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period. Yeah? Tell us. What's interesting? Western civilization falls apart.

Man's in humanity to man. No? Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that, but... No, you know what I'm talking about? You go to a museum, you go to the art museum and like you walk in and it's all great. It's all like Greek stuff. Wow. Medieval paintings of little naked children. That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.

All right. If that art is a couch, though, Tony will talk about it for years at a time. Yes. Nothing better than listening to people talk about art.

We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink. It was great. It was a vodka cruiser. Do you have those here? No, what is that? It's like vodka and pink lemonade. It's a very girly drink.

Breakfast of champions.

What about on sobriety? Thanks. You're welcome. I would never do it. Yeah.

What is the overlap in the fine art world between... I think of that as a golden retriever profession. I think of pit bulls as more of like, Cadillacs bouncing up and down. Yeah. No, is that not right?

No. No, I think they kill children every year.

No, they killed so many children. I think there are big parts of the world you can't get that dog. But you like that it's dangerous. You have a weird sex thing for the dog.

But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set? Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.

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Thank you.

Thank you.

Are we going to address that during the commercial break that was the most insane and rowdy back and forward?

Let me tell you, it's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because there was a full weird situation in the commercial break.

Found out you loved antiquing. Oh, that's true. You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it?

That's got to be a... That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.

You don't have to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you.

Hell yeah.

It was so funny, I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought would stay with me.

Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet. Tony, with all the gay rumors floating around, was quick to kibosh his love of antiquity.

Right. I think it's just... They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the... No, I just have sweet blood.

Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them. Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?

You would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. I want to. It's worth nothing! Get him out!

Are you Persian?

Oh. Well, that's filthy evil blood. No, it's not!

I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun.

This is, like, word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once. That's...

What's in my blood?

What a fake religion. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say angels hate you? They're just scared. Catholics would never do that. We've done other stuff, but we would never make that. We would never make that particular mistake. I'm sorry.

We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.

New comedy special.

Making fun of a blind man. Good God.

We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good... It's a good policy.

Like the video game, sorry?

Nobody's gotten fired? I've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time. I was at Subway. I was at McDonald's. I was at some ones you don't have over here. Like what? Billy Baxter's Cafe. It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe.

And there were just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me. They owned it. They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough. Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe? No, they went out of business. And that was in Australia? Sweet Adelaide, Australia. I think you're a charismatic man, and I think you can do better than a smoke shop.

I think you'll go further than that.

Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing. I don't like them.

They're fucking in vans all over the street, peddling marijuana to young people. Sorry. I thought it was illegal in Texas and they're standing on the street trying to get people high. That's a pusher. Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother. I like the set. Appreciate you, man. You're welcome.

You were the first act in a long time that I wasn't worried was going to die soon or was currently tripping.

I'll take over. So you've done it before? What did we have you do last time you were on the show?

Oh, you crazy player.

Hey, you're right, you're right, you're right. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? I did. What happened?

No, it closed down. It was in Adelaide Arcade. Why? Have they still got one there?

Two stars. After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it. You stitch me up.

100%?

Did you talk about yourself in the third person? I did, I did. That might have been what was missing. Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?

There are no classy smoke shops. It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's going to fall down.

That's true.

It's what marijuana can do to you. I want you to turn your life around. Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down?

Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight. Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen? Good news.

You said that was a crazy sandwich. That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.

This is turning into a financial problem. I know, yeah.

This feels like the end of Legally Blonde.

You're like, you're trying to nail him for something.

Sorry, how do you go from... You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis and said, I'm going into cake decoration. I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about in the show.

What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes? Kids' birthday cakes? Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place? I'm fascinated.

Thank you.

And you've coupled that with the I have grandchildren sweater?

I don't believe in Depop. I think that's the weak way to do it. I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff. That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Nope. I thought the joke at the end was good. Thank you. I just wanted to be supportive, and it was.

Well, that's not them hanging out there. You're luring these cats.

I didn't know the show was going to go for nine hours tonight.

A woman will cheat and not even come was like a beautiful poem or something, you know?

I was starting to think it was me. I thought I was bringing the best nod. I know, James!

After this show, I'm going to have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.

Take me there! Maybe. Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train. Pittsburgh airport. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport. Bang! I'm on a train. I love it. I love it. Wow. We're going to find a superstar here tonight. Can you feel it?

It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me.

I'm going to say it will sound very racist, but it's not. That was nothing. That was 96. The important thing. No, I saw this. I'm disabled, asshole. No, no.

I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it. But apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this. And apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.

But every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all.

No, it's not your fault. The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain. Well, not yet, they're not. There might be six or seven people behind that curtain. There might be 154 more people behind that curtain. But I believe that greatness is going to walk out of here tonight.

I smoke weed.

What a pervert you are. My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please. Jesus Christ almighty.

James, tell them. Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over. We did it. What a beautiful country. What a beautiful show.

You're not really 50.

You're a shark.

If you figure it out, you let me know.

You can grab the stand. You can put them behind your back. You can... Yeah, that's good. Yeah, put them behind your back.

Yeah, yeah, right. All right, cool. No one's rocking that one. I've been thinking about doing that. Wait, what? I've been thinking about doing all my jokes like this. Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia. You know, teacup over there. That would be crazy. This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option.

I want to give that one a fizz bump. I want to celebrate that. You love it. Oh, boy. If you get out there on the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.

Wow. That is hard because they're telling you you're a good boy but you're doing a very dark and shameful thing. Yeah. And then you feel really good and then you feel really bad. You're trapped. Yeah.

This man is speaking my language. I understand.

And some higher education. Am I right, everybody? Come on now. Come on, everybody.

Once again, it's J-D-F McCann, M-double-C-A-double-N dot com, and then you have to click a couple things to get to the ticket.

But once you get there, it's great.

Don't they all? That's the happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace.

Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own, very proud.

You guys are worse than Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah. I need to look after my daughter. I'm going to send her to the teen pregnancy capital of the world. I actually love Oklahoma.

Tulsa, man? Oklahoma City is where I grew up. Also, I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma.

Are you Indian?

Okay.

Yes, it was so good to me at first. I thought at some point he's going to try and fuck me. And he never did. That's true. He never did. He hasn't.

I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means.

See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hoes, you know? You stand next to them on public transport and you grab. That's the... I know, it's a beautiful part of your culture. Yes. I'm a big fan. Yeah.

That's the accent the last guy was doing. It was great. What do you mean?

You can't argue with results. This man is here.

I got one of those minis. I'm going to warn people before that happens.

Go ahead, James McKay. What, are you going to try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet? What are you talking about? Have you seen this guy's pinky? He needs it. He's got to nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs. You need the government to approve having more than five dogs.

You start filming it for TikTok. You make the ultimate fight of it for dogs. You see which one's got some fight in it. That's the one you keep. You send the rest to the farm. Are you proud of the one that bit the other one? Is that your favorite one now?

You're doing great. On paper, you are the best interviewer ever. Yeah, you're doing great. You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs. this.

He's Black man. You're Robin, but it's spelled R-O-B-I-N apostrophe.

So you got a knee injury that infects the face and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs and you go, one day love.

It's starting to sound like a three-year-old grown up and tells a story. You know when kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money. But I walked away. I went home. I had eight dogs at that house. I love you. You're the best quality person I've ever met.

Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Florida. You're right.

Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out waiting to get on the show?

Yeah. Yeah.

I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen.

The other thing, they have the sign language lady. And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set. And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people. It's very liberal there.

But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars on either side, and you... We're snowballing. We're snowballing. Sorry.

Lisa, you've dishonored our country. These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism.

Can you tell me what it meant?

You were saying the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Where are you from in Australia?

Terrible city.

No, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne. It's a shit city and I can't say enough bad things about it. They monopolised our football. They stole our Grand Prix. They talked down on the people of Adelaide. Shame on Melbourne. Wow.

There's actually, Kim, after the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne. And they have changed the game in Australian football. Every team has a great big seven foot Nutella now out there. Yeah.

How long have you been in America?

What's the weirdest thing about America so far?

Yeah.

Yeah. No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here. They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it. They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella. Do you know what I'm saying about? These trucks, it's too much. I apologise.

We've got our very own Love on the Spectrum happening right here on Kill Time.

This man's got eight dogs. He's got eight dogs.

Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like. It's like this every single day forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you going to do, skin the dogs?

Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid. I was a coward. My ninja. Nutella. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. Damn! No, I won't do it anymore.

Feel free to bleep that. Maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room.

Okay. You know in Back to the Future where Michael J. Fox plays to his parents' generation? Your kids are going to love that. You're not ready for it yet. But that's 20 years time. I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend.

But they didn't, Tony. You know, it's like abstract art. A four year old could do that, but they didn't. He's out here taking chances. That is true. It was not a good one.

That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.

Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You can pick on a big, cool country. Fuck Australia. We're a real country.

What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face? You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a cock. What are you doing in New Jersey, America?

Also, I like with the wrestling theme, you've dressed as The Rock from that 90s photo shoot.

You would be very good in the next West Side Story, I think.

Yeah, if you'd kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.

You're homing from work. Change tires.

It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.

You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the... It's a bald white bitch.

He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No. One of them shows. You remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things?

No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.

Thank you. Thank you.

Man, I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years. I've... I sat next to... I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story. Yeah. I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit. What? Wait, what is the truth?

He knew a secret about Chris Benoit. Yeah, let's hear it. He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, okie dokie then. Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God. Oh my God, alright. And he said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.

They don't know what they're talking about. Don't believe these haters. I appreciate you. That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio. That's right.

No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.

It's been 15 quiet years without that. You've got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan going electric.

You should think about, you should wear a dog next time. Wear a dog. Wear a dog. Put a dog's body on your shoulders. I'm trying to explain it.

I will.

How dare Jim Gaffigan have stolen your joke?

I've been nothing but good to you. Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.

God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. I love you too. Say it again. Say it again.

I would personally like the Japanese voice if that's possible.

Okay. Jesus, Aaron.

He was reaching for the... What? I saw the button you were going to push accidentally.

It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button. It wasn't the chimp button. And then he stopped because he's not a racist.

Fucking make... You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada.

Wow. Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your fun. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? You try and bring us down?

He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine. What happened?

Did you say it was your uncle? You were waiting for your uncle to turn up? Who was late? My cousins. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen? Immediately. All right, nice.

Very true. Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled? That's a great question. Do some feel more proud to be there?

You could say that. It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability, but that's... But wait, the newer crippled people look down on the longer crippled people?

What, you're like, you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk. Right. You dog. That's what I'm trying to say.

There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening. Are you from Austin?

You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Are you booing husband's birthday?

My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.

I know it was tips, but that was fun.

Can I ask what that was? Why did he have a glove with the tips?

Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you... I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness. This is true. But I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage, Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there.

I'm on a chair.

We have perfectly good bedrooms. We talk in a normal way. No, you don't. Listen to yourself. Yeah, it's fair. You sound like a moron. Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia and as I was in line, I heard a woman talking and I thought, fuck, she's retarded. And then I realised it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.

Crap.

Retarded. You gotta pay the respect to where it came from, you know?

It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like. Right? Like, Conservative has changed its meeting pretty drastically over the last two years. Look, so let me speak for... It's a right-wing podcast.

This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show. It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the Kill Tony people up here and out there who've made it happen. This is the most beautiful thing. Two of the funniest guys.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned heterosexual love? Well, cause here's the problem. Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation?

This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair, and it ended here. attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet.

I went with the sandwich, you went with the penis. There was a fork in your mouth.

I was very happy to sit this one out.

David Lucas looked like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls. I'm not taking this from you.

Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare. I called- You bitch! You dumb bitch! You're so nice backstage. What is this weird persona? Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people? Your mama raised you better than that.

Oh yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed. You don't have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David.

Jonah Rosa looked like someone who was giving Richard Nixon advice. He does. Look at him. You do. Look at him. You can't just make me laugh. I watched a Watergate documentary.

Oh, in my country.

In my country, I'm very, very fat. For real? Australia, yeah. In America, I'm doing okay.

I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time. I've seen you there. We've been out there together.

No, I had this man picked as a Whole Foods man, because he's eating the Whole Foods up in that store. That's all I have, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma?

It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay. People do say that. That's fair.

I want to say now.

You've only done comedy for a little while. It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.

You don't have to be afraid of anything anymore.

He's going to be back. He's going to make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like, fuck you, I'm going to take over. That guy's going to get some jokes and he's going to be back. He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day. Yeah, I'll suck up his booze. I don't care. I'm strong.

Boo away, fat man from Oklahoma.

That's a haunted house. That was nuts.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The Thai people. I think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy. And the Japanese. That's it.

Oh, there was a guy in Chicago. No. This is... All right. This is weird. But... They don't. There's like a ruling class of Ethiopia and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it. But if you join the ruling class of Ethiopia and they're all from all over the place, they all just start looking the same. For some reason, no one can figure it out. What?

It's very strange. But you can pick Ethiopian. I can see. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Kenyan. I'm getting better at Kenyan. The tribes within Kenya, I got nothing.

There's not a hair cuttery at Walmart.

Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the placement?

I keep thinking of signing up to the Walmart bank. Every time I'd said I went to the barbershop and they had a monkey, people did say that. Monkey cut. People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur.

How do you have a lottery ticket dispute?

He wanted to buy, it wasn't even redeeming a prize.

He wanted his money to get more scratches.

Do you call them scratches?

Yeah, scratch-offs.

I'll be back on that. Huh? I lost my card, so now I have to pay with my phone. Like, I have to pay ahead of time because I can't insert the card. But when I overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what I've given them. You get some scratches. Give me the scratches.

I've got to prepay now. That's all I want to spend my excess money on is a little scratch. I try not to. I'm not overdoing it. I'm not going, give me $400 worth of gasoline.

When I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day. I would walk around with that. That's how I knew. I didn't realize I was depressed selling cable television door-to-door until a couple weeks later. I was like, I didn't used to spend $50 on scratch-off cars every day.

Did your fingers start getting discolored from the little people? You can tell that there's a problem. There's a lot of lint following you around, little tiny bits of plastic.

It's a great birthday present for a child. It's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on.

You've got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair. The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with hair.

Yeah. This is what I... I always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously. Because I think I can pick which song is going to win. They let you know what all the songs are beforehand. Every country in Europe has their own song, and then they compete and they vote. But I think... I think I could pick the winning song.

I would listen to them and feel it in my heart what was the correct song.

It was an enormous failure. I don't know why.

Yeah, I've had a worse... This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it. Best one I had was an ex-con in Adelaide. That was great.

It's like everyone has a football team from their state. That's great.

Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is going to get crashed by California.

Because the French showed you up one time. The mud floods. The mud slides. Wait, what was the mud slides?

Oh, this is the secret society?

I got a mullet. They knew what to do. They were respectful.

You did not? Okay. I did not. Because I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly.

He's heavy set for a tennis player. But I wanted to – it's a story about an older coach who can't play anymore. And if they find this dog – You sure you want to put the script out?

I let the mullet grow out too much, and then I immediately look like a woman, a fat woman from...

All right, go ahead. You don't think I shouldn't describe it? Let's get it. I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making a graphic novel.

All right. There's a little girl who has a dog. And he's a golden retriever. He's very good at tennis. It's Air Bud. Yeah. Air Bud. But this old coach is like, I want to win a golden slam. I want to win. I want to take this dog to all the great grand slams and win. And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis. But the first one they have to go to is Japan.

Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand. Everyone is very... They're like, great dishonor to not shake a man's hand. They start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide. And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it. And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag. And people go... He was a bad guy. Wimbledog was right not to shake his hand.

But then they're only upset about the marijuana. They're like, the child pornography was good. That was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen. We love that in Japan. But marijuana, we don't tolerate at all. But I think this is a good family movie. I'm going to... I'll say it to you again. We're making it a graphic novel. And I appreciate... I asked very briefly and you said yes.

And I didn't get a commitment publicly. But... I'm using your... We've started the artwork for Wimbledog. I've used your likeness in a graphic novel about... Well, hold on a second.

You're not doing the child porn. All right.

It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa is drawing at the moment. But I think... I think you should, if you ever get time.

I don't want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end of the American Open. There's also a role for Matt as the evil villain in charge of the Tennis Federation who's offended that there's a dog competition. I can see it. I can see it. I think Wimbledog, I mean, stand-up comedy, that was my love me do. This is my Sergeant Peppers, Wimbledog.

I'm part of the young Latin kings running around the streets.

Yeah, man. It was meant to be an hour, and then I had a panic attack, and I cut it right down.

But thank you for having it come out. I drank raw milk, and then I was vomiting everywhere. I know.

I would have made him a John. That would have been so easy. John would be trying to buy.

What's the dog doing?

Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does something. Dude, for real, dog sports was like a big genre. And then it went away. Hollywood complains that no one's going to see movies, and then they're making weird trans-Mexican cartel musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins at sport, and people will flock back to the cinema.

14?

Did you ever see My Dog Skip? It's Frankie Muniz. He's got a beautiful dog. I didn't see it. And when it seems like the dog dies, it's... Really? Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry. Yeah.

It's a good move, though.

Now they've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed. I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs. What? That was a hard watch. And then I watched Apocalypse Now.

and they just like hacked and like i mean if they ate it afterwards that's yeah it was it was he filmed like a real actual ritual yeah like francis ford coppola's wife was like i just saw some villages hacking a cow apart do you want to put that in the movie and he went all right obviously it needs something in the third act it's really

Have you seen their skulls?

I can't stop thinking about it. What's up with their skulls? It's a circle.

Yeah. It's the ugliest, weirdest. We did that to them. I know. Well, Chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing.

And when they sneeze, their eyes fall out sometimes.

really bugs are great that was another movie idea i wanted someone all right like greyhound racing does it have to be a greyhound maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him you know but then at the end the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out then a japanese businessman throws it at a bear having a movie a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great then be like we're just raising awareness to pug deformity

I drank like most of a gallon.

Just breed it with a slightly longer-faced animal.

Start breeding a nose back into the pug.

The Pug Nose Restoration Project. And you're just making pugs have sex with Great Danes over and over again.

I think about it every day. I wake up and I think, if I was a dog at an Italian household, with all the pasta that they... You know the problem with that pug? The no-no was there. You're so skinny.

That's why I wanted the right wing milk. I wanted to see what it was like. And the guy who was selling it looked... He was handsome. He had big shot. He was the only person at the farmer's market who actually looked healthy. Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual. They're not drinking the raw milk.

To not learn the lesson is a beautiful thing.

That shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog's still got hope.

The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front with the dog in the cage.

That's a scary house.

Well, I'm a race trader as well as being sick. No, no, no. I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food poisoning.

I am going to go back to the raw milk, I think.

I was going to ask for that video of me throwing up over the beef bourguignon. I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company. I know, beef bourguignon. We could have bourguignon productions. Oh, bourguignon.

I was on the phone to Shane immediately before getting the haircut. And I said, the barber has a monkey. Because there was a small monkey at the barbershop. Say what? There was a monkey at the barbershop near where we live. And it had pajamas on and it was on a leash.

I had a chip.

It really stayed with me as a terrible memory. I was holding a French fry, and a bird just took it. It was a seagull. It came and took it out of my hand. Damn. I remember I talked about it on stage that night and I got nothing, but it was a lot to me. It was very hard to explain. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Serious and upsetting.

I was so... It was kind of beautiful, but I was scared. I was upset.

It was just gone. I just saw the bird and then I didn't feel it touch my hand. It was just out. It was not a lot. I don't leave a lot of time between. I'm pretty close. Bucket to mouth type of operator.

I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once. The pigeons were just running around on the ground.

The pigeon wasn't doing anything to him. And he was just walking along calmly. And he bent all the way down and just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking.

That guy's just so... I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything, but it sensed his... Dude, those things are crazy.

I hadn't heard creature storm before.

Well, we would have like fish and chips on the beach and there would be... They'd come around like, you know, you're a kid and your dad goes, stop bringing them over here.

Running through a big pile of birds at the beach is one of my greatest happinesses. What happened? When there's like a big gathering of birds. Yeah.

it's fun watching kids chase seagulls that's like an easy way to get kids tired like go get the seagulls and they'll just like relentless like a fucking dog just chase seagulls and you get to watch them for long enough you see who's the king seagull and you see the one sad seagull with like half a foot and his beak doesn't work and he's yeah he's trying to get the none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him helping him get it they're just taking his food away do they have like a pecking order like chickens have

Then he showed it to my wife.

What, they'll just have a mass suicide in the coop?

They've paid no attention to that. That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people.

I was like, no, it's fucking cool. Who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie? No, you know, the Gilderoy Lockhart. No, the little... He looks like the Shakespearean actor. Oh.

No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish. He is Irish, though.

Captain Clooney.

Do you know about Ned Kelly?

Ned Kelly's our great Bush Ranger hero where the cops were after him and he was like a sheep thief and he built a suit of armor out of iron. It's hilarious. It's like a cool hat that he built and the chest and he just like stood and shot at the cops and they were shooting at him. He was shot something like a hundred times in the dick and legs. Yeah. The movie's pretty good. I watched the movie.

Mick Jagger?

No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well. I didn't see that one. We made it over and over again. Yeah. We loved that story. And they go, you'll never take me alive, copper. And then he said, such is life. He had cool quotes.

He made it out of a trash can, I think, or something. I didn't know Russell Crowe was in it. He had the Oscar to grouch them.

It's not an easy thing to manage. Is vomiting accented? I never thought about that. No, I'd make a noise. Is vomiting accented?

Give it 50 years and people will be ready.

Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time.

It was fucking incredible. Did you get no fatalities and maximum damage?

What's the... I think Oklahoma City bombing. They injured a couple people.

No? Hold on. What am I thinking? There was one where they...

Yeah. It's an AT&T building in Tennessee. Nashville.

But he did it on Christmas Day.

I'm blowing up the AT&T building. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to make AT&T unhappy.

I thought he was just on the phone for too long. True.

Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center was beautiful.

I don't know what's happening.

The ending of the Fountainhead is the most insane close of a book...

He's a great architect. He does a rape and the lady thinks it's hot, so that's a weird part of it. But moving past that, he's a great architect and he lowers himself to design public housing. He's like, I'll build the best public housing. If I'm going to design public housing, it's going to be the best public housing. And they make it ugly. So he destroys all of the homes for poor people.

And then he gives a beautiful speech about, I had to do it. Ugliness has no place. And the jury let him off because the speech is so good and then the book's over. But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. You've got to ruin the projects.

It's also about relentlessly pursuing your goals and being the man. Clearly, yeah. And all the mediocrity is trying to tear you down.

I really liked Atlas Rugged. I was a big Ayn Rand teenager.

I never fucked with Ayn Rand. I am the great man of history. You got to really commit yourself.

Okay, I thought so. Also, like, an old Russian lady.

I find her very sexually exciting.

She has great interviews. In all of her interviews, I think she's sick.

Young Ayn Rand is okay looking. There's a great interview. You prefer her older? She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president. It would be wrong.

I know, it doesn't come across as much in the picture. It doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy. I'm telling you, she has an energy. It's not the best picture of Ayn.

Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit. She's a very sexy woman. I think Atlas shrugged, dude. Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves.

Damn.

Food for thought. When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a... Hillary Clinton's Ayn Rand.

It feels wrong to waste time. All right, I was reading about Roman Polanski this week. I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole.

Well, actually openly. He had an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that. He was very open about it. He definitely says he does. Anyway, the French culture minister stood by him. This is getting back to literature in a second. The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man. He's a great artist. We stand by that.

Then people read the French culture minister of the time's autobiography And there's this big section where he was going to Thailand. He's like, I was at the boy brothels and these sweet boys, you can pay them. And it was the most erotic feeling. His defense was that he wrote half novel, half autobiography, and it wasn't all true. But imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography.

There's a big section about how you love boy prostitutes in Southeast Asia. But that was just literary flourish. I just put that in for a literary flourish. Yeah, that was just him being like... And I thought like Norm's book is like that.

But also he doesn't say which bits are made up. He just says you can't trust all of this. Maybe that bit about me being a pervert in Asia is true.

When he's committing prison rape?

Like his uncle, like everything. Yeah. You thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was legitimate?

I don't know. It's such a great opening. I call this a recurring character. Yeah, that was awesome.

There's... Adam Egan was the only person I got really starstruck by in America and he finds it very it's cool now I think it's normal but every time I see him I go jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a park it's the Adam Egan I yeah he's the man he does rule

It's very, he's like, he talks about the incredible erotic feeling of being able to pick your boy.

the man's like I don't fuck with this shut up man dude you play video games with the girl characters you should be on Megan's Law for real playing with that is like number one like playing with girl characters no dude it's better do you think that's why you gotta look at the character why not look at a hot lady here's my question I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened cause it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time and then they it's just a thought you don't think so you don't think that's what's going on it's all about looking at an ass I never play the girl never

It's all about looking at the ass.

I was shocked, too. Structurally, it's a joke, I think, because it's that long, and then all the action of the book takes place outside of the book. There's so much time for him to describe the important things in the book, and he still doesn't do it.

yeah yeah with like a thousand foot but it's still fun like it's very it's I laughed a lot that's good and then there's a great interview where he goes once they have virtual reality pornography I have to commit suicide immediately he killed himself and then he did out of his word I think it was for that hung himself yeah

It's really funny. It's also about Quebec separatists. It's about crippled... Is this a Canadian author? No. Part of the joke is that all of North America has become one country, but Quebec still wants to secede. But they only let crippled people become assassins. And you can tell when they're coming when you hear the squeak. It's a really funny book. It is funny.

It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a... Did this inspire your book at all?

I love footnotes. Infant Jess is like, he'll do footnotes on the footnote. You got to have three bookmarks going while you read it.

I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time.

He's recounting when his dick first got injured. I think I said this recently, but it's like he's in a hospital bed, but it's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick being blood, which is the nastiest. Like of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital and all these guys going, Your dick had done a work. Kill yourself. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man.

That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Linings Playbook. So I didn't want to read that.

I've picked my own syllabus to teach you boys about women. I'm going to start with Hemingway. He knows how to treat a lady.

It's made bullfighting seem so appealing.

I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull. I would go, this is revolting. It makes it... Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection, and the bullfight's coming. I would go, surely he's getting hard at the bullfight, and then he doesn't.

Then he goes for a swim, and he doesn't get an erection there.

and then alright the best bit in the book the young hot matador comes in the young hot matador and the guy like he loves bullfighting and the guy who owns the hotel loves bullfighting they're the only two who really understand bullfighting and they go this man is special we gotta keep him away from loose women and hard drink and then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter and the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like you're fucking impotent no you couldn't even you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from ruining the one beautiful boy Brett

She was so erotically charged throughout that. There was... Oh, man. There was one bit... Like, it's all obliquely written and it's straightened. Like, we had Hemingway stuff. We went there on the next day. It was a good day. And we went over there and it was very hot.

But the one sentence that I love is like, he's at a party that he hates with this woman he loves and the man she's fucking... And like the man goes off to get champagne and he's so angry with this guy going to get champagne. He's got to be this woman he can't have sex with. And then the guy comes back and fine, we'll open the champagne. And then he goes, it was sensational champagne.

I folded that over. I was like, I don't know why that, that's not a good sentence on its own. But within the book.

that would be he just gets pegged that'd be great that'd be sick I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie nothing would happen it would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight and looking at a lady sadly if you knew his dick didn't work it'd be it'd be gripping you'd be like fuck yeah

It would be great if you had to change the title so that everyone – just like you call the movie The Man Whose Dick Didn't Work.

I think he's... They don't go into detail, but he doesn't have a dick.

There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes, I won't be able to partake of that. She goes, you are sick? And he goes, yes. She goes, I'm sick too. He's like, she had gonorrhea and he missed out. His broken penis. It's a great, I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book.

But wouldn't that be a good, like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up and then he goes, ah, bourguignon. Bourguignon.

There was an episode of Fat Pizza.

Where you have to activate. I think the trans pizza is that. Under the sack.

That would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection.

No food, no sex. Yeah.

No. Yeah. The monkey was in the next room screaming and very unhappy. He had like an angry monkey at the barbershop? There were like 18 guys working in the barbershop and one of them had a monkey. I've never seen this before. Anyway.

Yeah. It's one of my favorite myths. I had the Beaujolais with the bourguignon.

I was drinking a beautiful wine. I cannot pace myself with wine.

Do you know about the cocaine wine that the Pope was on? What? Back when Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products, there was a special cocaine wine. And the Vatican ordered thousands of bottles of this wine, and the Pope was just loving it.

He's been unwell for a while. He's not stepping down.

Let me see this. I think he only had one lung to begin with.

He has double lungs. We must pray for the Pope.

I'm ready for cool young American Pope. The young Pope activated me when I watched it. That's what the church needs.

Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago.

He was like...

It was the most affordable place to have your hair cut in the area. Everywhere else was like, I went to another barber first and they said, you need an appointment. And I thought that broke the barber's code of like, just walk in and hang out.

Have you seen the new Conclave movie?

It's not as good as The Young Pope. That's all I could think. But it's great until the last 10 minutes when you find out, spoiler, that the guy they've just elected is Intersex, Pope with a Womb. And it's written by a Church of England guy, so they're all just very sensitive. Wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man? This was a great drama about one of the candidates had a secret family.

He was black and homophobic, and people were like, you only like him because he's black. It's great. There's arguments, and what's the future of the church? And then just at the end, there's a terrorist attack, and people go, let's get the trans woman or the intersex person. It's problematic. But Ralph Fiennes is great, and Stanley Tucci.

everything's standing like a serious like religious drama that ends with a trans pope yeah intersex fuck oh shit you mean you mean like like a natural one like a natural yeah like uh it's a little mexican guy who's like i found out that i had a uterus and i decided to kill him the mexicans with this trans shit what they got this and fucking have they got another big trans there's a big uh mexican trans movie really amelia it's like they're getting all the oscars

As a description, if someone said, this is my Cartel trans musical, that sounds... Yeah, that's what I want.

Do you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlyn? No. They're hiding it from the audience. There's like two seasons where it's just the hair gets longer, gets smoother. He moves out of the house. They go, the marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town. But then it's still...

He just like long weird hair, just demolishes everybody in table tennis. He's working through some feelings. Just beating all the other Kardashians in table tennis. It's a great weird arc where everyone's going, this is normal. Nothing's wrong.

Just to keep the party going on at all?

Did the Jenna person remove the sex organ?

You definitely can't come There's no way if they build you a vagina You can't Where would the orgasm come from?

There's nothing further from coming than that particular vomit.

Yeah, that's like an age-old mystery. It was a great movie. I don't know why that disappeared. I don't know why people aren't celebrating India in the Cupboard. There's no like India in the Cupboard merch.

It was that one and the bird that could talk in the basement. I think it was called Pauly. Remember there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful life?

I remember. That was a pro-Indian movie, I think.

He wasn't just a toy. He was a man who had his land taken away.

But he learns peace with the cowboy.

It was a special cupboard that brought all the toys to life. But then the cowboy toys were like, we're getting him. We're getting that Indian.