Jay Shetty

So why do we lose ourselves in love?

Psychologists call it self-expansion theory.

The idea that we merge with someone we love to grow and expand our identity.

Now, that's healthy.

What's not healthy is when expansion becomes erasure.

Here's what often happens.

The biggest mistake we make in love is we confuse being chosen with being safe.

We confuse intensity with intimacy.

We confuse butterflies with compatibility.

We confuse staying together with growing together.

We confuse someone needing us with someone valuing us.

Let me give you a real life example.

I once coached someone who, whenever she entered a relationship, would slowly give up the parts of her life that made her, her.

She stopped her hobbies first, then she stopped seeing friends, she adjusted her goals, then her schedule, then her standards.

When I asked why, she said, I didn't want to lose them.

But the irony was heartbreaking.

she was losing herself to keep someone else.

And the research is clear.

People who lose their identity in relationships experience more anxiety, more conflict, and more insecurity.

You know why?