Jennifer Selby Long
speaker
698 appearances
14 recordings
1 series
first heard Nov 2024
last heard May 2025
Jennifer Selby Long’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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the AD, C-H-A-M-I-N-E, Shirzad Shamim. And he writes a great deal about the neuroscience of this because that self-sabotage is something that develops in very early childhood. It is almost entirely wired into our brains by the time we're five years old. Now, why is that in there?
those saboteurs as he calls them are neural networks that very tiny children develop to ensure their survival if a little tiny kid recognized that their parents were not infallible which is actually true It would be terrifying because they cannot care for themselves, right? So these neural networks form as a vital part of early childhood. They're just part of that survival mechanism.
However, in adulthood, we don't need those anymore. But at that point, they're really strong. They've been there for decades, right? Getting stronger and stronger, and they're just lurking in there.
and i want to really convey the important message that when you start to feel yourself self-sabotage that's not you that's the saboteur neural networks in your mind firing up that's all that is and they're sitting in there and they jump out when they get a signal that indicates that there's a threat to survival.
Of course, if you go after a contract in your new business and you work really hard on it, you put all this time into it. When you were an employee, if that contract didn't close, you still got your paycheck. But now all of a sudden, you're looking at, can I pay my rent? Can I make my mortgage? So that, of course, your brain fires that up as risk to survival. And so the saboteurs jump in there.
The universal saboteur is called the judge. Every single one of us has this. And the judge has snuck in there and is getting in your way when you feel a negative feeling and you are judging either yourself or
or someone else or the situation that is a sign that your judge is in there your judge is going to tell you you need me i am good for you but you don't need that judge to be talking and the judge is not good for you so the way that you can recognize that again you feel a negative feeling You're feeling stress, frustration, anxiety.
These are all signs that the judge is in there and your thoughts are in the direction of, oh, I'm such a fool. Why did I do this? Or why, what's wrong with them that they didn't sign my contract, right? Or if only we had such and such process in place, we wouldn't have this problem, would we? Those are all signs that the judge neural network has fired up. and you just need to weaken that judge.
Yes, absolutely. And people have asked me, why is it so hard to make this judge go away? And I say, we don't necessarily want to make the judge entirely go away. That's almost impossible. It's a neural network that's in there. But boy, can we weaken that judge. And the reason I say we don't necessarily want the judge to completely go away because that negative feeling, it's like a warning sign.
It's just a little warning sign that there's something you need to attend to. But it's like a hand on a hot stove. You want to feel it. You want to feel the pain. You want to feel that negative emotion of the pain so that you recognize there's something you need to attend to. But as soon as you feel it,
It's important to just call out, oh, that's my judge versus I can't believe I made that mistake. Oh, stupid. What am I going to learn? It is, by the way, it is no better to be a judge of yourself and not of others than to be a judge of others and not yourself. It's all the judge. It's all negative, right? It all is contagious. The judge energy is contagious to others.
no matter which direction it's headed. And so it's so vital to call out and recognize, oh, that's my judge versus it's me. There's something wrong with me. That's my judge. And then you can weaken that judge in so many different ways. One is to gently make a little fun, like you would with a little kid. Oh, I see you. I caught you, right? I found you, hide and seek.
You can be dismissive of your judge and go, oh, judge, you're so late to the party. I can't believe you didn't bring me down earlier. You can do all kinds of things, but the most important thing is call out that judge. You can just respectfully say, hey, judge, thanks. I don't really need that help. I got this, right? So literally it is having these conversations with yourself.
Because one of the things that the judge does is the judge also calls up what's called an accomplice saboteur. It's another saboteur or two or sometimes three that have taken root in the fertile soil of your brain and wrapped themselves around whatever your gifts are. I had a client who went into his first CISO role ever. A number of my clients are in their first C-suite role ever.
That in and of itself is a huge personal change to manage. And then they're having the surprise of what they learn as they're in that role. And in this case, this client had gone from a highly regulated industry to a fairly regulated industry, which is a whole different ball of wax. And then Vince, as if that weren't enough,
He discovered that his organization, which he inherited, which had a 44, 0% attrition rate and had many people who were actually too junior for the roles that they had. There was also, they were swept up in a company wide quote unquote optimization effort, which is to say cost cutting headcount reduction. He actually needed to replace people.
He needed to spend more because he needed to hire more senior people to manage them. And there was this huge pressure on him, which was particularly being driven by a guy who was a peer of his, who had his boss's ear and who drove him nuts, which is to say he tried. triggered my client's saboteurs.
So we spent the first three months of our coaching completely focused on recognizing the saboteurs and weakening them. Because one of the things his accomplice saboteur, a hyperachiever, was telling him was pretty much, I have to win. And the only way I can win at this change is if this guy loses because this guy is my enemy. What was that going to do?
I can guarantee you my client is sharp and this guy was right and he was going to win. But what was the cost going to be in that organization? Right. What was that cost going to be? So with him, we worked on calling out when his judge was judging this guy. If only that guy weren't here. I could do everything I need to do, right? We focused on calling out his judge when it was judging him.
Geez, if only I were a better CISO, we wouldn't have this problem, right? We called out his accomplice saboteur who was saying, in order for me to win, that dude's got to lose. And so instead of that, we did something which is the, it is the kryptonite to the judge, right? which is empathy. We called up empathy for this poor colleague of his.
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