Jennifer Tilly

So she's like, well, the Pacific, you know, that was at home. I don't go to the Atlantic. We got a few trips there off a few burn victims. You know, I've been to the Caribbean a few times. It's the warmest water and that came from royalty's off a gas explosion.

I'm a Goyle.

And the fox is like, oh my God, there's too many of you.

You know, obviously I'm Sutton's friend, so I'm going to have Sutton's back, and I'm not going to be like, Eric is right, but you need to examine your own behavior, little missy, because I'm on her side. You know, I'm really kind of astonished at how much girls don't like you, Sutton.

Well, do you think you're going to be able to have a good time tonight?

So Erica is like, oh my God, you know, in the sense of sisterhood, I thought we could bring everything to the table. So I said what I had to say on the boat. But, you know, I don't have any ill will towards Sutton. I'd like for Sutton to acknowledge what's going on. And that's it.

So Jennifer Tilly's like, well, it almost seemed very rehearsed because Erica was like, like a lawyer in the court that all of their points prepped out. I think there's an alliance between some of the ladies. And when Erica and Dorico after one person and they dovetail together, I think they planned it.

Wow.

I saw Sutton running into the bedroom.

So Garcelle is like, you know, Jennifer's saying, well, it seems like Sutton just really wants Kyle to like her.

And Jennifer's like, it's like a bad relationship or a bad marriage. You think that they've accepted the apology and you've moved on and you're in a different place. And then to have it all thrown back in your face and not even get a piece of a cartoon empire. It's just very hurtful.

Sorry if it hurt your feelings, but unfortunately I'm carrying the weight of all these hundred thousand dollar bags right now. And I don't have time to worry about it. Poor person. I'll donate to plan the parenthood or something later.

Thank you.

,.

And then Erica is like, well, don't you remember what Sutton did to Kyle?

Hey, person, once you have the words of toxic influences, Sutton needs whatever that is. Oh, I'm sorry. You're making Sutton back away. Okay, we need it to be a little bit less strong than that. I need Sutton to actually be able to stay in the room.

Sutton, I went over to go say hi to Bills, and we walked in the room, and I kind of felt like we were ambushed, you know, and I said, well, Sutton's a little bit upset. She goes, well, why did you say that? I was going to play it cool tonight. I mean, look at me. She's playing it cool.

You know, they were all standing there looking at me like, what's going on?

I got divorced on this show. I went through my worst period on this show.

And Jennifer Tilly comes over with a glass of water. She's like, here, sweetie, here's the water.

You know, first of all, we are going to do a table, like put a bunch of tables close together. That'd be great if you could do that. Thank you so much. I kept the tapes. Oh yeah, that's wonderful. And like, okay, I'm not really a caviar connoisseur and I guess this is really crass of me, but I tried to order the most expensive caviar on the menu because I figure it's probably the best.

I don't know what it tastes like, but it's expensive, so whatever.

Uh, yeah. Um, the only thing I don't like are the little orange caviars. They always remind me of the little fish bait, and coincidentally, I think they're the cheapest caviar on the menu, so as long as I order the most caviar, most expensive caviar, I'm actually fine.

So I just got back from Sardinia. I was at the Dolce & Gabbana Ultimate Fashion Show. And so Sutton and I used to go all the time. But we love Dolce & Gabbana, guys. And they are sort of like family for us. And I have a lot of Dolce & Gabbana jewelry. But then I can't pick it up until I get paid off. So I always have a little bit of a layaway plan.

We love them, you know?

Remember when Christian gave you that Cartier bracelet? I was so jealous. And the earrings that you have too. This is my way of reminding you that you were with a billionaire and it was the worst time of your life. Okay, so moving on.

Your Honor, I would like to appeal to the court and to the jury and say that I am innocent and it is the median that should be investigated. You know, and I will not rest. I understand I have to do my civil service and I will go to jail like so many martyrs before me.

Well, it was a bit traumatic. Okay. Okay. First of all, yeah, you seem like you have a little bit post-traumatic stress syndrome. Yeah, I got it the first time when you said I seem traumatized. You don't have to elaborate.

Did you say gungo?

But when I get out of this facility, I will spend every waking minute wondering who was the median that did this to me and how can we stop it from doing it to other people?

So the first time you're going to see her is at my caviar kaftan party. And she's like, yes, at your beautiful caviar kaftan party. Oh, I guess we'll see how that goes.

When the officer, the kind officer, asked me to say the alphabet backwards, well, of course I didn't do that correctly because it is, as an artist, it is up for me to interpret what an alphabet even is, and I refuse to be jailed for having artistic integrity.

Where are you going? She's like, oh, so Jennifer Tilly, she's hosting all the ladies at Caviar Caspia. They're like, oh my God, fun, quiet luxury. Wow. Quiet.

And Dorit's like, oh, no, I can't grip this ball to save my life, Jaggy. And he's like, stupid mother. And he's like, no, it's just not easy with long nails.

She's like, okay.

So now we have Trixie Monaco going, all I know is we gonna get it. We gonna kill it.

Hello, everyone. Hi. Oh, so I just called me Miss Glamorama. I hear you guys have been, um, you guys have some ideas for the, uh, caviar. So, please let me know. You know, Caviar Caspia is, like, the perfect place to have a party. I love caftans, and I love caviar, so I love Caviar Caspia.

And I think that if you had at any point, maybe had said that at some point, if you really felt sorry, if you didn't have to wait this long to have it pried out of you. And she's like, well, I'm doing it now. Well, you're very passive aggressive about it.

Well, Dorit is not going to think Sutton is genuine at this point, and I don't blame her. Sutton does a lot of things, apologizes for them, and then we as a group are left wondering, which was true, the low blow or the apology? You just don't know. It's a mind game. I'm in a magic mirror. I can't see which way is right.

he spun around and he was lying in a ditch.

Snow White? Hello, Snow White! How are you, Snow White? How are you?

Kathy? Kathy?

Does this look real, by the way? Does anybody fall in for this bullshit?

I do not accept this.

And so she's like, well, how do you feel, Sutton? Because I really feel like you guys made a little progress today. No? No. Okay. Your eyes are slitting and they're turning red and green. Okay. Christmas is canceled. Damn those puppies. I get it. I get it. I'll just be sitting over here quietly.

I think that's like maybe move the needle a little bit.

Otherwise, I don't, you know.

Magic.

You know, saying, oh, look at this thirst trap.

110. She's like, oh, good. Well, I'm 128 to 130, and that's it. Just us seven ladies obsessing over calories together, aren't we, besties?

Sometimes I think she's not quite sure who I am.

you know what i've noticed by the way you look great i love the earrings on you your hat's wonderful you just look better than ever but you know what i've noticed you are very critical and sometimes very not you're just not the most compassionate to women that are going through the worst time in their lives and i felt it with myself it sounds like

She's like, you know, I've had enough of sitting back and watching Sutton, Strack's fake apologies, fake sisterhood.

I want to help you. I feel bad for you.

Oh, she wants a jury of beers. I'm telling you, she does have a drinking problem.

And she goes, oh, I was just playing a bitch.

Please. Handpicking. I don't get it.

Last week on Crazy Yacht from Hell.

I had a scene in Broadway where I stood up in a bathtub and I was a full frontal nude.

So I stood up in the bubble bath and the bubble slid off of me and he said, but the bubbles fell. English people are hilarious. Well, then I realized he had actually never seen me standing up. And so walking around naked before, he had never seen it. Because I would go into the bathroom and we had a very good sex life.

And I would lay down and arrange myself in a very attractive position and turn the lights down low. And then I would be like, I am ready.

There you go.

And I have felt in the last few months that you've been, in particular, very mean-spirited to me. I kept thinking to myself, gee, a lot of little jabs coming my way. Gee, gee, gee.

That's what I feel. She just doesn't really understand what that means.

yeah but i think she means that well she says every time and so that's so that's where it gets confusing because it's like okay well sometimes if you mean what you say and sometimes it feels sincere and sometimes it's very earnest and she's like i was sincere yeah hold on let me finish let me finish hold on my my hat's flopping all over the place i love the erica's hat she's like let me finish

No, she wants wine. There's a bottle of wine in there, just half a glass, because she'll drink the whole thing.

yeah so um they see kyle coming and she rings the doorbell so jennifer is like oh okay jeff pretend that you're my butler it's gonna be so hilarious

She goes, no, you're Jeff the butler.

I did this, you're not the only one who thinks that they're pretending to be Kathy Hilton.

Well, this is my party house. I actually live next door.

And she tells us, I have lots of properties. I have a property in Las Vegas because my boyfriend and I are professional poker players.

They're like, nah, I'm smellier. I ain't afraid of you, you loser.

And then Jennifer's like, oh, am I gonna bet everything? I'm gonna put everything I have into the pot. Let's see.

Oh, darn. I guess I didn't get that one. Guess I was bluffing. Oh, God.

Tiffany's a little bit of an alcoholic.

Oh, sure, John Paul. That's fine.

These glasses are fabulous, but they don't really hold much, much like Kyle.

Wow.

And Jennifer Tilly's like, well, it was just nonstop when you and Dorit had that big blow up.

But I guess I felt like it cleared the air a little where you were like talking about how you felt. And then she was talking about how she felt. And then another woman started talking, but she had salmon in her hand. So I was really just listening to her, to be honest with you.

Come in.

You know, you're lucky with everything that's happening with PK and I that you're just tired from there because I should say it's as bad as I could because I'm sure it can get worse. It can get worse, Erica. Erica's like, oh, yeah, it could get way worse. It's going to get way, way worse.

um and erica's like i can't imagine how hard it is to separate with children i was one of those children i remember my mom got divorced she got separated not once but twice you could try to hide but they feel it they're in the house they know they know when you're walking late to their children's recital you judge them silently while you're just trying to sing a little christmas song so

still traumatized by that bitch. I'm never gonna forgive her. Oh, sorry, Dorit, this is about you.

Sarah was like, well, did you see the pictures from her trip on Instagram? It was pretty amazing. You know, she went with her daughter. She just looks so special. She's just very, very special.

How dare I speak?

So then back at Dorit's, Erica's like, well, at least I had the balls to say to Kyle that's different than what I heard the other night. Whatever my comment, at least I said it. And Sutton's looking at me, well, fuck you. At least I said it.

And she goes, it belonged to Cher.

Commercials. Here comes one right now.

I mean, she's like, bring your water, bring your pool of water with fluoride. Let's go in here and talk about my dreams.

So Erica's like, yeah, well, where I lived, where I moved in, it was just horrible because I could step outside and there was paparazzi everywhere taking my picture, taking my picture. Can I get a Taco Bell in peace? Can a woman have a depressing binge on Taco Bell from Dornash in peace? Jesus Christ.

Look who's eating Taco Bell again. Pfft.

I don't wanna design, I want a house, I want a house.

It's like, well, can you get a drink for Tiffany, too? She needs something to drink.

Because you know Jennifer is like, oh my God, what a lovely doll that you've got here. What's her name? Reba. Put some champagne in her hands. Hey, hit her on the head with this purse that's shaped like a bow. Dolls love that. Ow!

I'd love to show you one of the films I've starred in. It's called Bound.

And then he writes back, I'm at your friend's wedding. Have a nice day. Have a nice day.

yeah it's called the recoil idiot i'm like oh god you have to be so strong for one of these take me home and carl's like

But every time she's like, all I think about is PK.

It's not like I got a hook on Sunset for it or nothing.

Hello, hello. Hi, hello. Hello, gorgeous ladies.

And she just goes up to Satin and is like, oh, hello, Satin. You look like a Disney princess that's been dehydrated in a dehydrator and just sort of left out in the sun. It looks beautiful.

And then... My favorite part of the whole show is when I get to walk in slow motion. That's one of my special skills.

It's interesting because I find that more people are terrified of Kyle Richards than they ever were of Chucky.

It's very different to be in it. It's very, very real, Andy.

She's like, oh, wow, they're really fighting.

So she's like, oh, yeah, you know, I just, I have no idea. I was such a show-off. That was rough.

She's just like, I accidentally got rich by fucking an ugly guy for a while, and now I just wear it all over me, and...

Cole Porter commissioned it from Jeweler Flateau for his wife, Linda Lee Porter, who was a famous fashionista. And so once it came up, and I was too poor to buy it, so then I got rich, and then I bought it.

It's my favorite. It's my favorite cheese, Andy. It's got so many holes.

She goes, I was a little snarky. It's what you get when your purse is so heavy all the time.

All right, well, I want to do a preemptive apology. So, to read, I know that that must have upset you. And, you know, but it is very expensive. And I thought he was in a bungalow, which is $25,000 a night. It's about as much as my neck at the moment.

That was tacky of me. You should never criticize poor people in front of them. Right, Sutton?

So she's like, well, I have a big mouth, and I didn't even know I said something bad until Garcelle said, exclaimed, whoa.

So, do you think that Sutton is on anxiety medication? What's wrong with Sutton?

Jennifer totally just goes, obviously.

All right, so we open with part two, with the arrival of... Hello, it's me, Jennifer Tilly, and my first Housewives reunion.

So she comes in and she's like, hello, good day, good to see you. Do they have donuts here? I could really use some donuts.