Jim Norton

Oh, wow. There he is. Jimmy. Oh, guys.

Here's a picture of me and Rosalind Carter.

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No, the only job I did during comedy, I worked at a place called Christoph Silver where I was doing, like, I was working on a packing line with really high expensive, like, you know, $300 forks. Sure.

You know, Christoph is a great, like, high-priced silverware, and I would write jokes on fragile stickers, and then I worked for this place called Leicos Lamps, which were high, high-end Italian lamps. How'd you get into this shit? I was a warehouse worker in Raritan, whatever it was called, Raritan Valley or Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey. Okay.

So I was just working at Kristoff, and then when they moved back to New York, I stayed there and worked at Lea Coast Lamps, but got fired because I would go to Maryland and sleep through work the next day. Sure. So I got fucking paid.

Well, no, no. It was more like me and Levy. One time me and Levy jerked off on the television. Florentine was out with a waitress, and then me and Levy both scrapped loads on the TV set.

And then we just wanted to just have, even Jim would go crazy when he came back. And he just looked at it, and he went, beautiful, and then went to sleep. That was the only reaction we got out of him. my pseudo-gay experience with Bob Lee.

It's not really pseudo. No, no, we didn't look at each other's dicks.

We were facing the TV.

We were laughing.

You know, did I quit? There was a company called Zero Copper that I worked for, and I drove a forklift. Who are you?

You know, I go back and forth. It's funny you say that because I don't know when this airs, but today we put up a video. It's an argument we had a year ago today. Our YouTube channel has been live for a year. Okay. Yeah, but she came back. We had somebody filming us at the time, and she came home.

I know. Dude, never in a million years I think Jim Norton knows how to drive a forklift.

I drove a forklift. I was doing a diamond mine in Kenya. No, I was actually in charge of chopping off the hands if the diamonds were missing. I don't want to do it, but, you know, a job's a job.

I was... No, I drove a forklift that we would get these 20-foot bundles of copper tubing and they would be like on these giant... Wrapped in these... That shit's dangerous. Yes, it was. And it was... I had a giant boom on the front and I would drive onto a ramp that was rotting in the corner and go on the back of flatbeds and pull off these giant... Jesus. ...things of copper tubing.

I did that for a while. That job I might have just...

quit i worked with a guy at that place so i'm sure he's dead at this point and uh there was a hooker that i knew who would come by and uh a hooker that i knew was a crazy she was right oh yeah if you're working with guys that you assume are dead at this point yeah yeah yeah well he was an older guy back then and and uh her uh she would you know she wasn't that attractive

But he was like, Jim, I would love to. And I'm like, okay, man. I'm like, but just take your wallet out of your pocket. If your pants go around your ankles. Because she was going to the office in Bloom. But I'm like, make sure that you take your wallet out. Because, you know, and I saw him on Monday. I'm like, how was it? He goes, she took my wallet. I'm like, what did you do?

I'm like, did you take it out?

He goes, I forgot. Mary's up to her tricks again. She would do it at the office?

Because it was in this really desolate, weird warehouse area by New Brunswick. So New Brunswick is where these hookers hung out, like around Howard Street and Commercial Avenue. That was the intersection. Oh, yeah.

Right there, right next to the dominoes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a worse intersection than Reginald Denny's fucking toilet seat to the head. And he wound up getting his wallet taken and, yeah, his money stolen out of his pocket because he let his pants go around his ankles.

Rookie mistake.

Rookie mistake. But he was old. He was very old by then. So, yeah, 35 years ago is probably dead.

I did drive a forklift. I enjoyed it. I did that at a few jobs. I worked at Pergament, which was like Home Depot. It was a Staten Island-based company. Right. Okay. Yeah. And I offloaded tractor trailers for a while. That's what I worked in receiving. So I would just go in the back of trucks and... What age are you talking about? Early 20s? I would say from... I started comedy at 21.

So I would say... Eight, 17 to, because I dropped out of high school, so I was working full time by the time I was like 17 or 18. Okay, into your early 20s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 18 to 21.

and was just emotional and tired and like, you know, certain times you, let's just say certain people partake in certain activities, but when they travel international, they don't partake in those activities.

It would take a little, a minute, but I could. I wouldn't want to go up on the ramps again, because that ramp was awful, because you would like lilt to the right, and you were on a shipping dock, so if you fell off, you were going to get killed.

Where do you say you would just land? You'd be like the supervisor at the dock.

I would be doing something like that, yeah, because I hated, I was, again, uneducated, so I wasn't qualified to do anything else.

Wow.

And, yeah, I would probably be driving a forklift.

All right. Pretty good. Good work if you can get it.

It is, yeah. Huh. It was a fun job. Is it cut the grass or mow the lawn? That's a great question. Cut the grass. I'm going to mow the lawn. I mean, I would have to say 50-50. I never chose. I've said both, I admit, embarrassingly. I don't know what the right answer is, but I've said cut the grass, and I've said mow the lawn.

You think? Mow the lawn, yeah. Cut the grass. You cut the grass.

Okay. Mow the lawn is something that you would probably find in an upper echelon home. Yeah. I'm going to mow the lawn. Cut the grass is more of trash.

Car insurance. Oh, no. Car insurance.

Yeah, car insurance is trashy. Car insurance. That's a guy who can't pay the insurance bill.

Yeah, car insurance.

And how do you pronounce the product that Crayola makes?

Crayon.

Crayon. Not crayon.

How would you say it?

I'd say crayon. Crayon?

That's like Philly, right? You go to Delaware, yeah.

Pack of crayons.

Pack of crayons? No, crayon.

You said it proper. I do crown. Like a gentleman. Crayola crowns. No, I would never say that.

Fucking queen have it on her head? My dad wasn't the sharpest tool in this shit. Wait, where are you from? You're Philly, too, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.

And their mood is a little hypersensitive and shit.

My wife says minced meat, and I want to just drop kick her.

I'm like, holy, he was fucking 78? No one says minced meat.

Yeah. All right. Okay, what was the last other one I had? How do you clean a public toilet seat? My tongue. The money's right.

Yeah, what do you mean?

You're somewhere that's not great. Do you have an issue with that? Will you clean it? Will you dry it? What do you do?

Here's what I do. All right, I pull the toilet paper down. Obviously, you clean the seat. Give it a flyby. Now, it depends if it's a full seat or if it's the one that goes like that with the little space where all the piss collects. Because then you have to scrape that. And there have been times where I've gone out and gotten a little water and wiped that. Okay.

And then pushed that thing into the toilet. Okay. And then take a nice fresh sheet or two, put it there, and then sit down and take my dump. But it has to be hygienic. Okay.

That's good. That's a fucking gentleman.

I had to shit when I came in here today. And I looked at your bathroom and...

It's pretty bad, right? It's not great at the moment.

You don't want to poop in there? No, just because I can hear you going, hey, you guys are chatting out here.

That's kind of it, yeah.

You can hear everything.

Not at all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't care. And I wouldn't even care if you guys do, but it wasn't an emergency. But I looked at your seat and I was like, am I going to have to clean this toilet seat? And shit, I like a nice clean seat.

Well, I lifted it to piss, and I left it up because I piss slow, and I didn't want you guys to think I had been shitting, so I left it up just so you knew.

So she unraveled, and we had an argument. And it's like, when I look at that, I'm like, that's what marriage is. It's everything, every fucking hack comic in the 80s.

Yeah. That was the worst when you're on a date, and you're taking a dump, and you knew you were away too long to be pissing. I would always come back with an excuse, like, ah, my contacts. Like I was doing something other than shitting.

I had to turn the shower on one time. I was in there for so long. It steams it up, dude. It was so loud. It was early in my days. It was her house. It was.

Showering in my house?

It was her house. Really? Yeah, dude, it was just a night after. It was just bad. It was like I'd rather. You know what's happening. I'd rather you not hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, you can use your imagination.

Yeah. I was like Norton with Florentine.

I've never had one thrown to me. I'm like Peter Brady, just running around the house, hoping for my party. And I realize my dad has AIDS.

What was the high school you went to? North Brunswick Township High School. Hit him. Get on it. We find that if you're a notable alum.

I am, but there's a soccer player who's first. I might be in the top five.

Dude, it's so bad, because I'll try to write a bit that I think is specific to me. I'm like, this happened. And then I'm like, it's on an episode of According to Jim or something. I'm like, fuck.

Oh, James Altucher is still a friend.

He goes broke on purpose and then makes a lot of money back. He owns Stand Up New York for a while. Oh, that guy.

James. Yeah, he's really interesting. He's a great chess player.

You went to high school with him? I know him since fourth grade.

Yeah, he's a really smart guy. He's a very interesting guy. That's crazy.

Harry Spears, that's right.

No shit. Yeah, but this is an alphabetical order.

Harry's is younger than me. I know Harry Spears since his mom used to bring him to open mics. He was a talented young guy. Harry, yeah. And we would go to a place called Arbogon's. I'm sure he'll remember it in East Brunswick. But his mother would bring him because he was, I think he was too young to go in and she would take it. And you're like, this fucking kid is great.

Like why he would do RoboCop. And you just knew that this guy was, but I remembered him because that name, Ari Spears is such a distinctive name. Yeah. But I know him a long time.

Yeah. I don't think I remember him from school. I knew him from the open mics though. Two of us are both outcasts from high school.

Yeah, he ain't graduating.

Yeah, has anybody talked about holding the purse in the mall?

I just saw that. Everything's good.

Excellent. Really great.

Well, there. Notable alum. Jimmy Norton. Love to see you. That's great. Let's say, what's the shower like at the house? Is it like a tub shower or a stand-up shower? Stand-up. It's got to be stand-up.

Well, I mean, there are two. And the reason there's a second one is I got a tub, a nice tub, the second one. They said if you ever want to resell, a tub is good to have so parents with little kids can move in. It's a good thing to have. But the main shower, it's a spa adventure. I wanted, it's a big glass. A gentleman. A truly gentleman's steam experience.

Because I have it where you can close off the top and it becomes a steam shower. So I can sit there and take a nice steam bath. And I'm in a real good steam. And then it's probably, it's bigger than this table area.

It's a large. It's a nice place. And there's a chair in the, like there's a concrete looking thing. Like a bench. A bench, thank you, yeah. So you can sit down.

I like to sit there. It's good when you're taking a steam and you want to just blow your nose and relax. Sure. A couple of robes hanging up in case there's company. That's it. For the jacuzzi. There's a couple of robes. There's a jacuzzi? Outside, yeah.

Out on the balcony? Oh, yeah, yeah. You've never been to my house?

No, the balcony, if you want to get onto the terrace, you can go from there.

Because we saw you on Bert's cruise. Yes. You guys, you were together, and that was my first time meeting your wife. And we got on the bus together, and she was, it was very, you guys were doing well. Moving together. It was still the first day of the trip, too.

There is a little Juliet balcony.

What the fuck is that? You're talking to two dirtbags.

Few are as quick as Mr. Norton, baby.

Now, if you go out, a Juliet balcony is, when you leave the bedroom, there's a small, it's almost like it's enough room for one person. And you can just stand out there and look. And it's probably, it's just enough for one person to relax, share a table.

Sure, I would jump, dude, if I woke up on a bad day.

I've thought of it.

That's the guest bathroom. That's attached to the living room. And the master bath is... It has no, pardon me, no tub in it. It's just got the standing shower and the steam room. Damn! And the outside area.

Terrace.

Yes, it has places to sit and it's got the jacuzzi.

How often are you using that jacuzzi?

Not as often as you think. Like, you think you're going to use it. I had a new one put in because there was one that came with the place, but I was just like, it was a little smaller than I would care for. And I didn't, I don't want somebody else's jacuzzi energy.

Sure. So I had to hire. I'd be wiping that thing down every day. This guy could have struck out all the time for all I know. He's got bad juju in him. This guy can't close. I need my new one.

So yeah, we had a crane come and bring up a new one. That's how they put a jacuzzi on it. They bring a crane out. That cost extra? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. I should have got the forklift. It was 10 grand to shut the fucking street down for five minutes. And then they lift it up. They hoist it. And I have video of it going up.

I don't know if I have it on my phone, but I have video of it being hoisted up. And it literally takes 10 seconds.

Yeah.

And it's on top of they drop it.

And then they're gone.

And then the old, because there's no other way to get a jacuzzi into a place. The next one, and the old one, they just break up with hammers and saws and take down by pieces. How long ago did you do this? 2017 or 16. You had to have told us that. That's insane. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I did.

Yeah, I think that was one of our first public events was Bird's Cruise. We get along great. Traveling is pretty easy.

No, no, you did not. I would hear stories of you would have all barbecue or something of some kind.

I've only had a couple. I'm not very social. Do you guys have had a barbecue?

Not, I mean, for myself I can, and it sucks. But there would be stories of you having these parties, and I would hear by, like, third hand, like, you got to see the deck on this place.

I would love to have had you guys.

We weren't successful yet, Jim.

I still do an open mic. I might have bartended at it or something. In fairness, I did one of these in August.

And I would love you to have come. I don't know why I didn't. I probably just forgot.

Tiny. We're so stupid. We wanted a Cavapoo. And we thought it was a Cavapoo. It's a Yorkie. But it's fine because it's hypoallergenic. Okay. And it's just, we've only had it two weeks. So it's a little, you know, it's shitting and pissing on pads. And we have, we just, we took it.

I have a feeling you are too. It's much easier.

Okay.

I just keep eye contact with her to make sure she's not stealing my money.

and on your wallet and uh we brought we brought him uh we brought the dog on the terrace and uh it's so scared of being outside so we finally found treats that it likes because the other dog treats had hated i don't know what kind of treats we got it but my friend sent me some that this thing loves so now we're just getting to walk on the terrace okay needs its vaccinations there's a vet at my place as i do this

She won't come to one-nighters. If I do one night in Boston, one night in New Hampshire, she's not coming.

We found a vet that does house calls. And so the vet is coming to make sure it's up to date on vaccinations. Yeah. And so my wife is dealing with the vet right now. Juliet Terraces have vets making house calls. The Juliet Terraces night. It's good for one person if you want to just sit out there and take a glance at the city. Sure. You know, and relax.

I mean, I don't think the word Terrace has been said this much on fucking any episode. Terrace is a great word. Okay. How big do you say the Terrace is? I've heard it was big. It's a good size. I heard it turns. Is that true? It's a wrap, a little bit of a wraparound. Got the corner, dog.

Right. You set up somewhere for a weekend.

Yeah. I have a camera. I could show you it, but it's not impressive. You could just see the size of it. Sure.

I mean, Terrace, New York City.

Yeah. I wanted outdoor space. That's why I moved where I was. I was in a Trump building on the Upper West, which I loved. I mean, the building is the best maintenance of any building.

Yeah, if I'm like, hey, I'm going to L.A., then, of course, she wants to go. She wants to act like she belongs.

Those buildings are beautiful. Fucking great.

I was on 70th and Riverside.

Yeah, that whole little village.

I love it up there. I love it, love it, love it. But I couldn't have afforded an outdoor space in that. No, no, no. It would have been crazy. So I started looking on the rest of the city.

What year did you start making money?

I started making money. Get down a brass tacks. The first money I started making was, I would say, 10 years in. My first contract with Opie and Anthony, they had finally signed me. I was making $50,000 a year to be on the radio. That was $1,000 a week. Back then? I was like, holy fuck.

As a comic, to make $50,000 as a comic in New York and doing comedy adjacent, like living in the comedy world.

It's really fucking annoying. I do that out there, too. Let's go to Spago over at the Brentwood Market.

I still lived in Jersey. I was paying $300 a month rent.

Plus the shows, then your probably road shows go up. I was selling out everywhere. Yeah, yeah.

And they doubled my salary to $100,000. But the show got kicked off the air before the paperwork was signed. So, yeah, I lost that. That was heartbreaking. That was heartbreaking. That was when we got kicked off the radio in 2002. But, yeah, I had just signed to double the money, and the paperwork hadn't gone through yet.

Oh, no. This is what white trash I have. I was paying $300 a month. Florentine was my roommate and his girlfriend, so we split a $900 rent three ways, and there was mold on the wall. Have you ever seen that video? It's called Jim Norton Cribs.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Black mold.

It's disgusting. So I'm like, I can afford a place now in New York, so I got a two-year deal. They double my money. And I got a two-year rent for $2,300 a month. So I went from $300 a month to $2,300 a month. Okay. And five months in, we get fired. And I'm fucked. So, like, thank God for Tough Crowd. That really saved me.

We got a dog. We just got a dog. Oh, there you go. I like it. So the travel is great because now she has to stay home with the dog. It's like 10 weeks old, which is awesome. I'm like, I'd love to have you, but I guess I'll have to sit alone and jerk off and eat whatever I want.

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No, but I did because I'm financially savvy. There were these escorts that used to accept credit cards, and I would go there and always pay by credit card. And wouldn't you believe it that all of a sudden my credit card numbers got stolen? Fraudulent charges. I had $10,000 on each card. And back then I was making no money, so I had to call the credit card company and

God damn it.

I love hotels now. I love hotels.

And they're like, where did you spend it? And I'm like, on a prostitute. I told them.

I don't care. This is not my charges. $10,000 on each card.

That took me two years to straighten out. Fucking worst.

Oh, shit. That's like how they remember.

I'm going to put that down as a yes. Yeah. They didn't actually cut it up. Sure. Yeah. You ever have a fucking credit card jizzed on and the number stolen? All right.

Has that switched? You were probably over hotels. You've been working for a long time, so it's like now you're a little refreshed, a little rejuvenation.

Same, same. Oh. Oh, God. Do you put your shirt on then deodorant or deodorant then the shirt? Great question.

I would say this morning because I did think of that today after the gym. I usually go home and shower, but I was coming here. So I showered at the gym and I put my deodorant on first and then my shirt. But I don't like doing that because a lot of times, as you know, you pull it down and get that foot on the side.

That's fatter guy. That's bigger body stuff.

Sometimes after a shower, your shirt sticks to you because there's a sheen on your body. So what I like to do is I have to hold it out and then wrap it around and lower it.

This guy's good. What's the shower like at the gym? Single or is it like a big stall with a couple of guys?

No, no.

It's not hedonism. The ripping and the tearing.

Yeah. No, it's a bunch of individual showers with like a plastic shower. Because there's so many guys going in and out. I very rarely shower there. I usually go home, but like I said, today I had to. Mm-hmm.

I love it. But I would always have escorts come over, and I was a complete creep on the road. But now it's just like I'll go to escort sites. They're going to say room service. I'll look at what I could do. You do that?

I'd be giving you a glass or a cup. Would it be a bottle?

It would be out of the zero water filter. We have something called a zero water filter. Reverse osmosis? What's that?

No, this one takes all the all the metals and stuff out of it. OK. And there's a little thermometer on it where you can measure. Like if you put it in water and hit the button, it tells you like it gives you a number like 41. Like that's how many metal per million. And then you do it with zero water and you put the thermometer and it's zero. So it takes out a lot of stuff.

What's the cost on a zero there?

No, it's a big one with two filters in it. Standalone.

It's a standalone.

I think that is reverse osmosis.

Is that what that is? I don't know. Could be.

He also went to New Brunswick High School.

No, New Brunswick was kind of the hood high school.

There you go.

The ice cubes are made by the refrigerator. But I do think it goes through a filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to be happy to get you some. It's not as bad as tap water, but it's not as good as zero water. Freezer in the bottom? Two freezers. Two? Excuse me? Yeah, it's a Sub-Zero. You open a nice fridge, and then freezer number one, and then freezer number two.

Yeah, it's a good fridge. I wanted a good fridge. What was the honeymoon? Did you do a honeymoon? No. We got married because she came into the country, so we got married within 90 days.

Did the same thing.

Yeah, no honeymoon yet. We just travel whenever we want.

You'll go browse the inventory, kick a couple tires?

Not often, but if I'm going to sleep, there are times I have done that. She does it more than me because she's been sleeping in the living room because of the puppy, which is great because that's just me alone with a sock in my bedroom finally having some alone time. It's like you're on the road again. But, yeah, once in a while I will.

My couch is really big and it's like a cloud couch, so you can get comfortable on it.

My wife dies.

No, but I used to bring one when I was opening for Dice in 97. My first gigs I would bring a pillow in my checked luggage like a total rookie. What? But now I wouldn't because I'm so scared of bed bugs. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed bugs on my pillow. So, no, I don't bring any bedding. Did he know you were checking a pillow in your check luggage? I mean, I don't know. No, I don't think so.

I'll be back in Toledo.

I began doing carry-ons shortly after. Jim, what are you doing?

Hey, check me out.

This guy's checking bags. Yeah. I would hold the whole crew up.

man but you learn fast you learn fast don't check your bag i mean don't check the bag i know i've been there when you brush your teeth will you walk around a little bit or you do it right at the sink i don't move but the psychopath that i'm married to okay brushes her teeth she'll take the toothbrush she walks into the bedroom she'll lay on the bed on her back with her feet up in the air

Yeah, you just look, but I don't do it.

Like in baby position. It's the most batshit crazy thing. I don't know. I'd like to ask every uncle she has. There's a reason. I don't know what it is. But she literally lays on her back and like brushes her teeth like that with her feet up in the air bent. Like a cat getting petted or a dog getting petted. Me, I stand there. I let your toothbrush. I stand there. I don't move.

I eat bad.

It's nice to have your time alone in a hotel. Sure. Do you like a nice hotel? I am a gentleman's accommodation snob.

Okay.

I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my own sink.

I do. I floss most days. Once in a while, I forget, but we have a lot of floss there, and I do get complimented on my gums by the dentist. Are we good? Thank you, yes. Will you swim at a hotel pool? Sure, I don't care. Absolutely. I mean, I went to Brazil and fucked without condoms.

I'm not scared of a hotel pool. It wasn't more of the germs. It was, do you enjoy it? Oh. Do you enjoy it as much as Brazil?

So, yeah, when I'm in my swimming things, I'll do it, sure. But my exercise has gotten, I work out a few days a week, but I haven't been exercising with cardio. I don't know. I would if I was back to doing that.

That gym, yeah, always wear.

Now, where's that? Did you bring the flip-flops with you? You got a locker there.

I have them with me. I travel with them. I bring a bag with me, and I bring it to radio in the morning, and then I write to the gym after.

Oh, no, I did. You know what? I don't want to get icky toes.

It really is. I can stay. It's fine. It's fine. I had a cat again.

Mr. Norton, you have icky toes.

We also just did, we were in D.C. with you. Gentleman's accommodation. That's a great, that is a great term.

Yeah, we did. They gave you what they call a Terminus in the whorehouse in Brazil called the Monte Carlo. That's the nicest name I've ever heard. See if we can get eyes on that. So fancy. Yeah, I was in there with Patrice, and we were wearing our flip-flops. We went every day. Me and Keith were doing 100-milligram Viagras and then just going to this place.

100-milligram Viagras all over the counter in Brazil.

That's why you had to stroke.

I was just thinking that as I said it.

That's too much by accident.

How about checking out the sights or going to Fogarty Chowards? Well, we did that one night. We would see the sights in the taxi on the way. A hundred milligrams a night and just going be three, four girls a night. It was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah.

There was another one too. I forget what it was called, but the Monte Carlo, there was cops going there. Like it was, there was security. I mean, you had a locker, there was no cash exchange. Like they had a whole system.

Me too. Actually, I had a residency there. I thought it was Monte Cristo. I was looking for a sandwich.

Fuck me. It was fun. Okay.

And the beef Wellington, please. Man, that poor escort. He's getting somebody after a beef Wellington. I'm a little sleepy. We were in D.C., and you remember he maneuvered? We were shocked. We were like, what the fuck? You showed up. You had already checked in. Adam Ray's show. You got there the night before, I think. You did the hotel the night before, and then you show up to the venue.

A lot of fish, right?

Yeah, and it's not good, but she's a good cook when she wants to. If it's something she likes, something she can eat, she cooks. Me, not at all.

So you're doing takeout?

Are you going out? Yeah, I order these meals, like these Whole30 meals. It's a diet that I do. Okay. So twice a week, these pre-made meals come in. We got this great egg. It's like an egg grill outside.

And I just don't use it. I have a little Weber I want to throw out and then use this one, but I'm so bad at getting started. Did you say Green John? John, yeah.

I got to learn to cook on him.

What's today? Today's usually I'll go home. We'll see what the dog's up to with the vet, and I will do... We have dinner planned tonight. Very nice. A nice dinner.

With just you two or another couple?

No, we got invited to Rouse, that place in... Rayo.

Rayo.

You're going to Rayo's tonight? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Jim Norton? Jesus Christ. I've never been there. My friend knows somebody who has a table there. Everyone says it's amazing.

Yeah. Have you been? No. Can't even get to fucking Applebee's in Midtown.

I wish I had gone last night so I could come in and discuss what a wonderful meal.

Throw that in our face.

But we're looking forward to that, and then tomorrow I'll just do spots. Wow, there you go. Rayos. Rayos, that's a fucking. I know. You had to accept.

I think so. Unbelievable.

You think I've really upped my game? What are you talking about?

I do have a decent car, but my lease is up in February. I don't know if this will knock me back down to the trash bin, but my lease is up in February, and I'm probably going to get a much cheaper car because it's a waste of money. Sure.

What are you going to get, you think? What are you eyeing up? You got a Mercedes now, right?

No, no. Right now, I have a BMW X6. I had a Mercedes last time, but X6 I lease, and the garage is expensive, so I want to get a cheaper garage. I don't drive enough. Garage in the building? No, unfortunately, no. The old, they don't have one. My old, and on the block, it closes at midnight. I don't want a fucking curfew in my car.

I got to get home. Yeah. My garage guy is going to be pissed.

So I got to go like three blocks and then park it and then walk home.

Where have you been? So, yeah, that's a garage in the building. I had that in the Trump building, which was, I mean, you can't do better than that.

Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the epitome of making it. You got a fucking garage in a building in Manhattan.

Yeah.

He would walk up and stand at the end of the hall while security did it, just so they couldn't mess around in the building.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Tight ship.

Bruce Willis used to live in the building.

No kidding.

Steven Tyler. Yeah, there was some good residents.

Did you ever see them?

I saw Bruce Willis once or twice, and then I shot a scene with him in that Kevin Smith movie called...

cop out okay or yes I had one scene with Bruce and he was people everyone said he was very difficult and Kevin didn't like him uh but I had a good moment with him uh because I told him oh yeah we live at two and so when he knew that we were in the same building he was very nice to me it was like oh you're yeah you don't want to be a dick to a guy you're gonna see in the fucking you know mailbox yeah yeah gotta get your taco bell delivered yeah yeah

All right. I mean, I was not expecting this. You're very meticulous, very well thought out.

You got your luggage. You pulled your car right in the garage. Yep. Like a hitman. And then he's like, he gets off stage. He goes, all right, I'll see you guys later.

Well, you do socks and then pants or pants and then socks?

Socks first because I don't like to have to roll up the bottom part of my trouser.

I don't want to wrinkle the bottom of my trouser putting on a sock.

Straight nude. Totally nude. Unless I am on the road, I hate boutique hotels. I hate a boutique hotel.

What's the chain you like?

Marriott. Marriott because the bedding is comfy and cool and great, and it's like they don't overdo it with starch. This guy's doing starch now. I hate these places because the sheets are itchy, so I'll wear a T-shirt. I have very soft skin. Okay.

Don't be shy Get in on that That's soft Like a puppy's belly So I get itchy very easy So I like to have a nice A nice soft sheet The Marriott chains Anything that's Marriott I'll stay in boutique hotels I'll take a courtyard Marriott any day

What's a boutique? What do you say? Like an Aloft or something like that? No, like the Johnson, the downtown Cleveland or whatever.

Right back to New York. I had an execution in front of the Hilton. Took the rubber gloves off and walked out the door.

A weird name, like, you know, the St. Marie.

No, I don't mind that.

Like at the Tommy? Oh, no. So, like, some of these real small, new, cool, hipper things are, like... The whole bathroom is kind of tiled. Yeah. And then the toilet is kind of in the shower. And the sink's outside of the door.

I've never seen that.

Yeah. He's not slumming it. Here's what I don't like.

Here's the boutique hotel.

He's staying at the Thompson when he goes down to Austin. He ain't staying at the Tommy.

I know, but the Four Seasons is where you want to stay in Austin. We did once on points, and they knew we didn't belong.

We shared a room.

When you open and close, like a boutique hotel giveaway is they have those barn doors that slide along tracks to open and close.

Yes, I hate it. Okay.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

A lot of times there's hardwood floors and not carpets. I hate them so much.

Do you have any... Look at Luke. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, they're the worst. He's a fucking rich kid. He's loving this. Travels around on my dime. Jim Norton.

An RC is where I'd prefer to stay.

Oh, Ritz-Carlton. Of course. Very nice.

Yes. Okay.

I'm a weird traveler, man. I like to get there the night before. I don't like to drive or fly when I get a gig because I get nauseous and tired.

You know, I've stayed in only like one or two hotels ever in New York. I've been in a lot of them.

Yeah, someone's back in town. Got to go say hello. But no, I don't know if I've... Maybe once or twice I've stayed in a hotel in New York. I can't... The best hotel I've ever stayed at, probably the Bel Air in... It's not... It's just a comfortable, perfect hotel in Bel Air. I've stayed there once. My wife and I... I got invited to Sharon Osbourne's birthday party a few years ago.

I'm like, let's make this... You have such a... Wild just history. It was such a great life. You're talking about forklifts 20 minutes ago. I don't want to be back on that ramp. The wood was rotted. So I'm there with Sharon Osbourne.

But I'm saying that because it was such a special thing. I'm like, let's get a great hotel. Do it up. Let's have a great weekend in L.A. So we stayed there for like three days. It's unbelievable. I mean, well worth it. You like a hotel breakfast? I do. I confess. I like a nice... You got me. I am guilty as charged. I like a fine hotel breakfast.

I do, and they bring in the little treats. I mean, who am I to say no? Well, you do room service. Oh, yeah, I will. I like a nice 24-hour room service.

Even flight gigs, you get out there the night before?

The Ritz has that.

Sure. I was just in Chicago. I stayed at the Trump Hotel. Nice.

Where'd you stay when we were in D.C. ?

When I was in D.C., I stayed... It was in a Marriott property that they were paying for, but it was a very nice hotel. Like, it was a... You know, like, there was a mall attached to it, Starbucks. I mean, it had everything. I'm not crazy like that. Like, I'll stay in a nice... Just a nice Marriott's all I need.

Always. Really? You're not stressed. You don't have to take your Dramamine and be loopy on stage. I get it. I like to drive late the night before. Four-hour ride. Sleep in. I really do.

Well, I mean, we'll... jump up to a nicer one when we have the points and it's just me and him because we travel with like a team when we go on the road. So it's usually our anniversary or something. Yeah. If I know he's going to put out, we'll we'll use points to upgrade to something nice. Do you have any any tips or tricks or things, hacks that you do when you get into a hotel?

Like I close the windows, you know, like seal the the blinds or anything, any anything you do to set up to get how you like it? Here's what I do.

It's not glamorous. I take the thing for the luggage out of the closet and I put my luggage on that never on the bed because I'm paranoid about bed bugs and I take all my clothes out and I'll maybe put them on top of the dresser I don't fuck with the drawers or I'll actually leave them in the suitcase I'm very white trashy in a hotel but it's purely a bed bugs issue

Well, I mean, I've never used that thing. I go right on the other bed. Or even the desk. I'll put my luggage on the desk. Never.

I would never put my luggage on a desk, maybe, yes, but not the bed. I did stay recently in a fine hotel. And I use the drawers. In certain places, I'm like, you're probably okay.

Really getting fancy gym today. He really is, man.

Yeah, this is snooty, nose-in-the-air gym. I like it. Fresh from the gymnasium.

Flex that muscle, baby.

But if the hotel is good, I'll use the drawer. I forget the place in L.A. we stayed at that was really nice. When a hotel wants to rope you in, a lot of times they'll upgrade you the first time you're there. We've never had that.

They do not want us coming back. I'm an ice machine guy. Where's those vending machines, dawg?

Yeah, no, I like when I walk into the lobby, I like when they go, welcome, Mr. Norton. Like, I like that. I'm a piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, yes. I want all borderline worship from the staff.

No, but I did marry a hotel thief. I married a thief. We have stuff from hotels all over the world. A book that was in like the fucking some Italy hotel. What are you doing? You stole a book? She stole a book. I didn't.

You guys are Bonnie and Clyde. You're rolling together, dog. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, but I don't know it's there until we actually walk in the house. I'm like, what the fuck is this? She's like, oh, I got it from the hotel.

I mean, okay.

All time. The comeback of all comebacks. All time turnaround.

Yes, I appreciate that. It makes me feel like I've been working hard since the last time, and I felt like I presented myself as absolute garbage juice. Yeah. Like that cuck that collects at the bottom of the bag. Sure. And I said I wanted to turn it around, and I wanted to, you know.

We're not stopping. Nobody in the car? Not at all. That's because I took the passenger seat out, you know, as old Teddy B did.

Wouldn't be anything fancy. It's simply something that's good in the snow and the rain. Four-wheel drive. Sensible car. A Jeep, maybe? Maybe. Something a lot less expensive. An Audi. Maybe. Depends on the price because my contract is up. So, again, we have to be.

Maybe not a RAV4.

No, no, no. I understand that. But, like, again, a lot of times the fancier people have very smart vehicles, very economical. I've just noticed that a lot of the times the best people have a very average car because they don't want to showcase their wealth and success.

Now, are you going to go, or do you send the help to go? To get the car? He sends us. It's me and you. I'm testing it for my friend. He's very big. He eats at Rayo's, this guy.

I will test it, but when I got a Mercedes, they actually drove it to my house. BMW did not do that. It was in the city, so they're like, well, yeah, we'll be here until 5.

Come get it, jerk-off.

Yeah, exactly. And don't bring your wife. She should be stealing shit. Yeah, exactly. Leave that fucking thief at home.

Yeah, man.

Thank you very much. Anything else you want to... The first time you ever did that, it really threw me off. Goddamn classy. Well, I'm on the road doing gigs. Yeah, where are you at? This is dropping this week, so where are you at? Plug away if you have anything coming up.

I mean, I got, before the end of the year, Tarrytown, and I also have Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Then I got Mothership in Austin. I got Laconia, New Hampshire. I got Rhode Island. I got Hollywood. I got... A bunch of places. Seattle, Tampa. You shouldn't have mentioned.

Guys, we're off the road for a little bit. New tour dates come in early next year. We fucking love yous, and we'll see you out there. Jim, we love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Thank you, guys.

Well, I was always hosting. Like, when I first started, for the first 10 years, I was an emcee. So you would, like, pick up comics.

Could be serial killers. Absolutely. Or criminals. You're just getting whoever got booked that weekend.

You were hoping they were murderers, so you didn't have to go through with the shit gig in Lancaster.

I know that club. I hope he just cuts my throat.

You're leaving weapons for him. Yeah, but you would share rooms. That was the worst part. But I also look back on those days. It was fun. You were sitting there. I was so happy to be there. I was so happy to be in the room with a comedian who was talking to me. It was great, man. I love this. I used to do with Bob Levy and Florentine. We would do a gig in Maryland.

$75 for the weekend, $25 a show, no food, no room. So they would let me share the room that they got, and they would pool the money and keep the money. It was great.

It was fun, but Florentine would always fuck a waitress. So it would always be, I would always, oh, me and Jim picked up girls together one time, and it was so embarrassing.

He was a good-looking guy. He was a good-looking dude. I mean, good-looking guy now, but back in the day, he was...

He was an eight and a half, and he had, Jim had a great rap. I'm a three and a half. He had a good rap? He had a great rap.

Yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, what are you doing? And we picked up these two girls, went back to the hotel room, and Jim is pounding like a professional.

No, back then, we know. It was a regular small room. And I was wearing all black, and I was dressed like the preacher in the Poltergeist II, and I'm fucking laying there. I love it, girl. What a deep cut. You're all going to die. You're not going to get an erection, Jim. And he was right. I couldn't.

It was shriveled in my pants, and I went down on her for about 40 minutes, and she couldn't have an orgasm. And then I finally went back up to my room with her and just made out. It was embarrassing. Jeez. Jesus. Jim Pound, what a professional.

Dude, I mean, I'm not going to be able to get hard for another week here in that story.

He had his face at her neck just... A real man.

What would it take for me and you to hook up with two chicks in the same room?

A gun. That was a lot of chicken fingers.

I was going to say an act of God. For us to pull two chicks together?

You guys got to have groupies, though. Come on. You guys are hilarious. I mean, we're big with welders.

It's more domesticated, but spotless. No, because she's what they call it. She's like a trad wife, but doesn't want to do housework or anything traditional.

OK, she's not a traditional wife. She just wants to lay around and do nothing and smoke pot. That's to her traditional wife. So, yeah, the place she's new age.

Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir.

No, no, no, no. But she's trying to quit. Like, she goes through these periods where she'll quit. Okay. Which, you know, but then you have to deal with somebody's mood when they quit.

Yeah, it's never good.

She don't like the gummies? No, she doesn't like... They make her too loopy or they make her nauseous or whatever. Mm-hmm. But it sucks, though, because when somebody's smoking pot all the time, they just fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, and they're passing out, and I go into my, I'm isolated. Get up and mow the lawn.

That was the joke.

Real tree in New York City. What are you dropping on it?

You got the high ceilings over there. Not that high, though. You got a couple of bucks on you, too.

$350 to $400 for the tree. Throwing that out the window. Out the balcony. I even risked the lawsuit right off the balcony. If it hits a stroller, I'll pay it.

Yeah, somebody takes it. I think they do. And one guy, one of them won you for a charity, like for some kids thing. That's not bad. Yeah, take it. But you have to pay to store. You know, it's an apartment building. It's a storage unit. So it would cost me more to pay for a storage unit for that fucking tree. So I'm like, just get rid of it.

That makes sense. Are you doing gifts or are you doing no gifts? I'm doing no gifts this year with my wife, we said.

I guess all year, you get what you want.

Yeah, she gets whatever the fuck she wants.

That's kind of the way it is.

Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah, just put a tag on it from Santa and it's yours.

Amazon shopping addict. So I'm like, look, we can exchange a little bit. We don't usually do that many gifts because she's like, I don't want anything. I'm like, I definitely don't want anything. The least I have to spend, the better.

She wants the tree. You got the tree. You got the dog. She wanted the dog. I got her a little dog. That's her Christmas gift is that little dog.

Yeah, she's addicted to it. I'm addicted to it too, but I also collect kiss posters. I've been doing that for like the last year.

I am paranoid. I said the dog pisses on one of my posters. It's going off the fucking terrace. One Japanese Victor poster is ruined by dog piss.

What's a poster cost you?

It depends on the... Like, a lot of them are a few hundred. The most I've spent, I think, is three grand. But that was... That was, like, for the original Casablanca promo poster.

But there are some that are more, but I won't buy them.

I went to the last show at the Garden. This guy Matt, who I know, I was on my way home from the Comedy Cellar, and it was like 7 o'clock. He goes, hey, man, do you want to see Kiss Tonight? I got tickets, an extra ticket if you want to buy it. So I'm like, eh, I hadn't seen them in fucking 15 years. So I texted my wife, I'm like, do you want to go?

And she's like, let's go, let's do it, even though she fucking hates them. So we met outside, she hopped in a cab. We literally walked in as they were about to start Detroit Rock City. I couldn't believe I made it. And it was nice to see their last show ever. Sure, that's pretty good. Yeah, I'm happy I went. You ever put the makeup on? No, not for that.

For a good pegging, I'd be lying if I said I haven't lipsticked up. Can't bitch boy without a little lipstick on.

No one's going to believe it. I'm with you, brother. That's all right. Oh, God. All right, some of the questions. It's been a minute since you've been here. So some of the ones that have become common game, we want to run by you. Because you are a notable man who likes to meet famous people and get the picture and the autograph. Yes. That's well documented.

But who was the first famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Before you were famous. Yeah.

Tom Noonan. My grandmother took me. Who's Tom Noonan? You ever see Easy Money? Of course. He's not Pesci, and he's not Rodney.

I was a kid. I was like 12 years old. My grandmother took me to the George Street Playhouse to see Of Mice and Men. And I forget who played George, but Tom Noonan played Lenny. Wow. And I chased him down the street for an autograph.

And he felt my hands are nice and smooth. You know, puts Vaseline in his glove. No kidding. That's a great one.

He's a great actor. Great. And I saw him at Louie's once. I went to Louie's for Thanksgiving, and I think Tom Noonan was one of the guys. It was a bizarre, eclectic.

It was Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joan Rivers, her daughter, Parker Posey. This is the height of Louie.

Jim Norton, Robert Kelly. See how off the cliff the guest list goes? But I really admired Bob Kelly that day. He was so good. Because I get like, Philip Seymour Hoffman was there, and he's like, hey, I'm Phil. And I'm like, I know, but I couldn't talk. And Bob Kelly is so good at being fun in those moments, being himself, and he's just fucking making everybody laugh and being Bobby.

I'm like, he's really, Bobby's a great guy in those moments. I panic and I just shut down. That's all right.

Oh, man.

That's a wild fucking... Tom Noonan, the first one, yeah. That's a good one, though. First autograph I ever got was Jocko the Clown, his name was. He's a nobody. He was probably just some pedo from Edison. I was a kid, and I went to my friend's birthday party. And he was a local clown? He just did my friend's birthday party. And you asked for an autograph? I was a douche. Oh, my God, dude.

That is embarrassing.

I was a douche. Gacy should have been the clown I met.

Wow.

This guy's a legend in the comedy game. Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.

Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony!

Wow.

He takes him in the face.

Boom, that's it.

I like the last part.

I think. Against Khalil? I don't know. Maybe I'm retarded. No, no, no, no, no. I think... I think... That's already been established.

We've known that for a long time, Matt.

Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Hold on, man. Wait a minute.

He had a fucking real point. Did he call you too?

He...

You don't get a fucking... You don't get a fucking... It's not PJ and the Bear thing and shit. Get the fuck out of here.

It does. You can use it like a slingshot that's great

Oh, my God. He's always been funny. Come on.

I'm just like, give me my hand back, motherfucker.

50%?

I don't think he had no doubt about that. That fucking guy. Yeah, I believe him.

Don't laugh, John Rollo. You next. Yeah, you look like you'd be in prison too.

Man, that dude sucked, man.

32.

Do you do that gripping thing?

Because it starts like a Hitman movie, and then they fucking on the floor. I go, what the...

He's got the best fucking kick! No, we're kidding.

Yeah, I'm sweating.

Before I attack my wife.

Nah, nah, nah.

It's not a secret. I want to know what the fuck happens over there.

No, I'm not doing that. You're no longer getting paid by them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whew.

You believed it.

476.

Exactly.

That's the fucking elbow. Exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah. It's kind of crazy.

Get in there.

Oh!

Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is... No, no, no, no, no.

Can you just elaborate more on, like, what do you mean by the smoke detector?

Like red flags?

I don't hear anything deep. And did you just hear it again? Because I don't hear anything.

There was The beep? Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I have to replace my fire, smoke detector. Oh, my God! Batteries. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Okay, so I just noticed it.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming.

Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE. The radio guys. DVE, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes.

I think so.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. Wow. It was a long time ago. Yeah. It was like a tag. I don't even know who closed it. You did. Yeah. Did I really? You closed it. Oh, I did.

Wow.

Yeah. We feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then I can't get caught. Yeah. Like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody. Yeah, you're very honest. You're very honest on stage. It's just a fear of getting caught and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me.

So I'm like, if I tell you first, you know how it is. Yeah, sure. You got nothing to say. But you always have that? Like, were you always that way? It's what made comics laugh when I started. Yeah.

Like I would start and it was like 1991 and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was like me and my personal life and sex and like the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred. Yeah. And that would make those guys. It's so funny. They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like.

That was the win. That was the win, man. Yeah. Yeah.

In a way, yeah, that's always satisfying if somebody emails me. I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone doing that stuff in childhood or liking this or liking that. It was so nice to hear somebody talk about it.

Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from because it was on Opie and Anthony and they were just barbarians, the audience. I mean, they're real people. They're harsh and they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people. Yeah. So they would write in and they related to certain things and they appreciate it.

And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. And they were right. But I mean, you're a homo. Yeah. But it was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it.

Right. Because what are they in? The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it. Yeah. Or they don't really. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something. Yes. It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is.

Yes.

And they're like, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you.

Yeah, you were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me? Yeah. Yeah.

I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it?

Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts. Exactly. And she's writing that garbage.

It gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Otherwise, they think if I'm laughing, I'm admitting. And if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing. But if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay. Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter.

Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant? Yes. That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that. We're. No, you're not. She is. She is.

I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh.

Not with pregnant in my house. No, not really. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no... There wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, we're doing this or... No, it would just be me or her. I can't think of any case where it would...

But it does feel weird if you're walking out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me. And then he's like a dick like, me too.

But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this? Like a business. Gig, yeah, or something like that. I might go, no, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii.

Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody. Like, be careful about saying, like, our home or whatever, because then they can, like, lay claim to it. What? If you get... Oh, really? Yeah, I know somebody. She had money, and she married a guy, and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of... Like, she kept it on her.

It was her place. Oh, it's my... Yeah. I guess so. Yeah, this way, if they get divorced, they can't... But then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid, and there was no legal basis for it. Yeah, sure, sure.

Common law marriage. Yeah. Is that if you're living together? You have to live together. Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven-year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places.

No, New York does not.

Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married, we're like a married couple.

I just have to fill out immigration things. Like when you're having your green card, the conditions. Where's she from? Norway. Norway. So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple. They are married. That's why the government's not getting scammed.

Yes.

Do you know what I mean? Boy, girl married. Cause on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole. I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously. But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Which they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway. Wow. So it says that. That's very progressive. It is. Yeah. I mean, it's it's kind of whatever. I mean, it works out well for us.

It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say I am like I think there should be some process you go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would prevent. you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, Hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison. Yeah. Sure.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

yeah it's um it's like you know you settle in and you realize like wow I am married like it really is at times great and at other times you know it's everything they said it's every I'm living every fucking hack comic in the 80s bit like they were right they were right But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your 50s and you're single.

And it's all just, it's one person after the other. Or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely. Yeah, sure.

And I was like, wow. And the 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected. I mean, she was probably I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. Like you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy. Yeah.

And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.

I never dated men. The idea of hugging a man and going, hey, how you doing, baby? It's as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. It's the idea like it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play. So they're like, well, so you like men. But I'm like, no, it's like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man. Right. Doesn't do it for you.

I hate it.

Yeah, unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude. But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain. But you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry.

If you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says. If you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.

Yeah, I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense.

No, because I do like vaginas too. I'm not talking so technically.

I guess, I mean.

I know, but some of them are just unpleasant and they're accurate. Do you miss vaginas? Oh, yeah, but I think that, but if she had one, I would just be one up. Like, I would miss every one but hers. Yeah. I mean, it's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them. It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss. Right, right, right.

But, you know, yeah, so that's one thing. Of course I do. I do miss that. But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have. Sure. It's kind of normal, right? Yeah, I think so. That's just married couple shit. Yeah.

Yeah.

It might.

Yeah, he's...

LAUGHTER He would say that this is what the Warriors, but so the Warriors were doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. We don't have to like, everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. Like it is what it is. Like, and progressives have just fucking gone berserk. Like stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy.

It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's, Just say you're not heterosexual, it's fine. It is fine.

Kind of, yeah. I think I've always been that way as a kid. Always not sure exactly what I wanted. Again, a lot of it is greed, yeah.

Ah.

I was probably five. I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from 73. And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him. But I think I kind of liked it. You know what I mean? Like when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, you're molested. I'm like, eh, I don't know.

Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it. You guys were around the same age though? He was my age, maybe nine months old, within a year old. It wasn't like he was 41. I'm scared. I feel like, no, but he was my friend. He taught me to fish.

I think so.

Yes, but I have a photo of myself, like when I fell and I split my head open, and I know I was already doing it by then, and there's a date on the picture, so I know I was age five. Wow, that's young, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was off to the, I was a trooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

yeah it was very active as a kid it was very uh but i talked about that a lot like you know we would play that the monster rain game and you know it's just one of those things which game my it was uh we would one of us would yell like monster rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch but the monster rain this was one of your specials it was it was called monster yeah it's a true story yeah um but yeah we would we would uh all right yeah that's where i came from yeah

Yeah.

But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that. Exactly. When it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on, fuck, Trump's elected, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like, you have to talk about other stuff too. Yes.

Because otherwise, I'm just literally, it's like you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore.

No, not at all.

Yeah. And that's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that. Like I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it. You know, you just go through it. And sometimes, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not.

Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that. Like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.

Switching that 15 minutes.

yeah you know well sometimes it ends and you're like yeah i shouldn't have done that yeah that was a bad move i should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of yeah instead of uh i'm back on tour now fine like i i had taken time off and i'm not with the radio show anymore so it's like it's weird with you and sam yeah that's i'm that was it serious for 20 years wow wow

Yeah, it was a lot of talking and we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it. And I knew it was coming. Like, you know what I mean? Like you see it and it's like, whatever. It's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up. You just walk in and talk.

But I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. In life, we sabotage things. Absolutely. Especially comedians. So many comedians. Yeah. Fuck that. They're fucking. And I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode and watching other people just blow up their life that I'm like, have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue.

I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them. Right. So you have to be realistic.

Yeah. 30 years in, I mean, I really should be executed for my life. We were there at the beginning and I just, I couldn't, I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio stuff.

Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in 2009 or 10, I probably could have fucking, but I would have ruined my life. Like I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that like today, I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in 2011? I didn't know it was going to come back to haunt me.

I think that's changed a lot, too, or it's starting to.

People are like, eh, enough already. Enough. Especially, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online. Yeah. I mean, there's hours of offensive shit. It's called the whole show. It was 25 hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, 6 to 11. We were doing five hours a day. So funny, too. I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.

They would fuck you back then, too, though. They tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in, and he was really just a naturally funny human being, and he was brutal, and he was just talking about the...

laura bush and he was talking about the queen of england and having sex and like but but in a way that would would be very very um unpleasant for them yeah and uh and uh we were uh we got kicked off a satellite for a month we got suspended for a month and the only thing that saved us yeah bill was in that day The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock.

And since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show. But that was the one time. I hated Terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty. And that actually saved us from our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already. Yeah, I remember that.

Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to. Because after that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003, and the fines went tenfold. So it went, like, from $35,000 per occurrence to $350,000 per occurrence. That's like... Big jump. And if you did it on 10 stations, you get fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this.

They cracked down, and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. And podcasts, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to.

I'm only... I mean, I've done... I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while. But this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We've got like eight episodes taped. But I love it. It's so much fun. And total freedom. Total freedom. Total freedom. And it's an hour. And you're in your house. And I didn't think I would like it in the house.

But I can have somebody whenever I want. Whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great. That's the best, dude.

And nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it, two different senses of humor. And I just want to say what I want to say, and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be.

Yeah, you want the control over it. The fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. This whole thing happened really fast. So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish. Don't just sit there like a lump of shit, hoping and being bitter.

shut up start doing something else so at least you're you know yeah you're focused on something else yeah um you can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself nobody wants to nobody cares nobody's gonna feel sorry for me well that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because like maybe 25 year old version of you would would do that or something you know

Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. That changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building, and I lived on the 22nd floor. I was saying to myself, I should just jump out the window. I finally have fans, and now the whole thing is gone.

My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself. It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. It's like, there's always something else. There's always something. Always something else. Although now it's just me, so I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or ONA to come back. So we'll see how it goes.

It was fun. I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like it'll be Keith Robinson, who's actually just as fun. It's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him, but he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself. Yeah. Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar.

A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club and he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's really... And it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it. You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching. And he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. It's really inspiring to see him.

And he's still funny, which is crazy. That's incredible. And Patrice, these dumb fans, it's always, no matter what, especially with my marriage, what if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that his name is being used to torture all of us.

He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebs living in his shadow.

It's nice, yeah. It's like I wish he would have gotten to see it, but I'm happy for him that he's not forgotten. Like, Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more, Otto and George. Otto and George, yeah. Yeah, I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.

Oh, yeah.

He was so great, and I just wish that more people talked about him, but I'm happy for Petrie. You know what I mean? Like, when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy, and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more. And Greg. And Geraldo. I love Geraldo.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was such a good comic. So funny. So good. His son does comedy. No! His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Greg Jr. What? And he's a good-looking kid, and yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps. I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that. He's in the city doing it? He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was working at the cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like, just hustling like every other young comic. It's great to see. That's crazy.

Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude.

Yeah, he was at Harvard. Jesus Christ. Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, went to Harvard, all this stuff? And then there's me. How far did you get? I dropped out of high school.

Do you feel attached to those years? Do you, like, when you look back at, like, high school and, like, they'll, like, because obviously they want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you, like, eh? No.

Who does not laugh at that?

Come on, that's fucking, who would not laugh at that?

I wrote fuck on the wall. When someone puts porn in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny. It's always funny. Who doesn't enjoy that? I know. With dirty, like just something inappropriate and language wise.

Especially if it's a woman.

No, but I'm pissed I missed that one. Yeah, that's a good one.

Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview. He was a prisoner. And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read, he got a book, it was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back. And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared. I mean, so it just wrecks it.

I'd buy that. I'm going to get a Galaxy. That's really funny.

That is so funny. Yeah. There's really funny people out there. Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry, Silver Lake Gun Club, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot. Yes. That's him.

No, it's not, unfortunately. Oh, it's not? God damn.

I'm not creative like that. I wish I was. My humor works different than that, but I wish I had the ability to do that. That and that T-Mobile thing, that made me laugh out loud like that.

Are you good at that? I'm not good at that. I'm not good at conceptualizing the bigger picture, the scene. For me, it just comes in little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done.

Yeah, are just... What was Colin's thing again? God, he was so funny with that. Colin, he was just such an ass and that nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey, fans. Oh, that's right. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care. But he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. He's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points.

Yeah.

Just the amount of people that will go like, we're fucking talking about it. They just don't understand that he's being an idiot.

I think he's probably... Him or Attell. And you hate saying those guys because of course everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle. But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour. It's about something. And it's really... He's never...

I remember I was on stage one time at the cellar doing something it was just whatever I was just going from A to Z quickly and he just walked through and he went nice writing lazy and he was right I was fucking I'm lazy he never is lazy with his writing it's always it's never the easy road he doesn't do the audience's emotional work I just he's just great he's the best guy

That kind of annoys me. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say. I hate him. I do, too. But the material is great. He's able to take these dry subjects. The Constitution is not a funny thing.

No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.

and I was only a few years in you know it was like so cutting but it was the same kind of thing where I was like oh he's I'm being lazy like I haven't yeah he's telling you something he's fucking with you yeah but he's also such a great like no matter what he says you know it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant and I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much yeah but I mean he really is fucking his mind Jeselnik has the ability to do that too like where like with Dave you never see the punchline coming again I have no idea where it's

you know we write jokes so you kind of know the fucking a b you never see it coming and it annoys me and jazz like even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace yeah and you have an idea of where it might be 90 of the time i still don't see yeah you just you predict you're like this is gonna be fucked up yeah or like and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be yeah but you don't always know

That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I'm with colony. I never see it coming when I don't see it coming. I'm like, fuck.

Yeah. It's also, I can't watch guys. I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing. I know. I know. Same. That guy's better. Yeah. It's upsetting. Do you get those, those like weird petty, I don't say jealousies, but those weird, like fuck, He's great, and I'm just never going to be that. Oh, yeah.

Right. At what point do we let go of... I'm going to, cause there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one. At what point do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. And like, when does that happen?

Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened. I don't know what the period was where you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll always be good at what I do and it's great and some people like it and some people think it stinks and that's fine. But that group, I'm not in that group. I don't know when I came to accept that.

Well, some lists are amazing. Segura and Norton. Oh, and Netflix you need to watch.

Wait, who made this up? Did your producers make this up before?

You got it. I know. There's never time. It's also from 2014, Jim.

This is probably Nick Swartzen.

Yeah, this has got to be. I'm going to guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old. What year is that from? 2020.

Yeah. He's handsome. He's handsome. Funny.

And a good performer. It's always different. Yep. Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful.

Well, when I was five, let's just clarify, not like now. How do you get fired from driving a bus?

If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good because that's what makes me laugh. And again, it's the stupidest thing. Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something. I mean, that's what politics is.

Somebody says something that I feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel.

You know, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who wins. Yeah. The guy who can tap into that.

Yeah. Unless it's Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better. Yeah. But yeah, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see. It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie.

There's a line where Jackie Gleason, he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, next time wear a badge on your diety. And it was covering the word dick. But it's so bad. It's such a bad after dub.

But you could see his mouth. He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line. Really funny. But they, I think, diedy. Yeah. Like your diaper, whatever that is. It was such a bad dub. He's amazing in that.

I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like again, Belushi was great. John Candy was great. Chris Farley's great. But in that realm of like larger than life fat guys. Yes. Nobody was funnier than Gleason. Nobody.

And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like, like they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line. Like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment and the rest of them would want to rehearse. I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that. Trixie. Really?

Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer or her brother-in-law was a lawyer and she signed something for like whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years and the rest of them did not. Holy shit. Because back then it was live and done and no one thought it would be anything else. Right.

Oh, see, I got it wrong. I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Meadows. Okay, it was one of them. Bro, that's amazing. Yeah, she was really funny, too. She was like the first feminist on TV. She always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband. And she brutalized him. Yeah.

I mean, some of the lines were just... They were just really, really monstrously funny things she got to say. It's the best show ever. It's an incredible show. They couldn't touch sex. They couldn't touch divorce. Nothing that you could kind of... They had such a limited... Yeah.

Corridor, yeah, boundaries, and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? It just doesn't work.

There's like an original Alice, and I think she played a maid on later episodes, but a couple of them, I think her and Trixie were the second ones. Great show. Amazing.

You've never watched The Honeymoons? I've only seen To the Moon, Alice. Oh, it's amazing.

There's only 39 of the classic. Like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show was. But the 39, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, wow, you've never seen them. No. That's amazing.

Mr. Ed was good. This is great.

Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit. You did? Yeah, not well, but he would come around. He was doing stand-up, and me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably, at that time, the most famous person I'd ever been around because homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's, and he was kind of a half-souled

and he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand up and I think he brought people on but it was nice to get to know him but, you know. Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kept in touch for a while and then he died. Yeah. Yeah, that ended that.

Yes, all good.

It's both.

And pool disasters are like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees. Oh, dude. Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.

But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny. It's always funny, yeah.

They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles.

No, because it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too bad.

Right. It looks like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed.

Having fun trying to prove that he's still got it.

He's two blocks back and he's falling. He hasn't run in...

That's the problem. Because he probably had on dress shoes. Yeah. And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days? Yeah. And he's like, let me take my shoes off. Oh, is that fantastic?

I so wish we had the after shot of just like missing face. You ever see shots of that like motorcycle accidents. I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful Motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their half their face is gone. I can't get on a motorcycle.

I don't know if I saw it.

Yeah, I'd love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something, and he had jumped into the tiger cage, and the tiger was just walking around with him, dragging him by the head, and people were throwing things at him. It's crazy how... When an animal like that is eating someone, intervention doesn't matter to it. No, you're fucked. You're just dead. You're doomed.

He's not afraid of people hitting him.

it's net i there was one video it was it was from an african safari and it was like it was a uh it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those a buffalo stuck in the mud like up to the shore and the lions are just eating it alive and then they bite its asshole out yeah because i guess that's sweet but they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive

Yeah. And the buffalo is just standing there. Just embarrassed. Making those noises. Yeah. But you can never tell. That's the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's being eaten out by a fucking predator. You have no idea. They're very hard to read.

It's called Sword Fight, and we've just been doing it where we have guests come on, and most of them are comics. Yeah. And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh. That's awesome. And yeah, we do it once a week, and I love it. Awesome. Thank you for coming in. Thank you, Tim.