Joe Loya

My dad punches Paul in the ribs, pounces on his neck, grabs his neck, and then starts dunking Paul's head into the soap water, the dishwater.

And I'm standing there paralyzed.

Now, I have a lot of heart in my body at the time.

I'm very arrogant.

I feel like I can do I'm going to grow up in the world.

I'm going to be somebody.

I just don't know what yet.

I have all this confidence in myself.

And right there, I am shown to be a complete coward because I'm sitting there watching my brother get dunked and I don't do anything except freeze.

And he keeps getting dunked.

And at one point, he looks up at me with terror in his eyes.

And I can't do anything.

And he finally lifts my brother up the third time and he leads into his ear and he says, you should have died instead of your mother.

Oh, my God.

So that night I'm thinking I have to kill myself.

That's the first time I contemplate suicide.

I cannot be this guy.

I cannot handle this new version of me that has been shown me.

I'm a coward.

I have no guts.