Joel

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Isn't it? I find that fascinating in a way where like it really was. I don't know. On some level, they must have known that what they were doing where they knew that this style of like, we'll let them start their little grassroots cult.

I just fucking, I just got, you just showed up.

Also, these small town bishops, you know, like they didn't have the Internet. They didn't have phones, you know, so they were kind of like they were going crazy. They were doing weird shit, just making up the religion as they went. That's awesome. Yeah, that's got to be fun.

But that also puts us on the slippery, hardcore slope towards idolatry.

Which is going to make everybody super butthurt.

It is strange. You just get a power. You get powers, but it's completely passive.

Yeah. Holy.

And that seems to be a main point of a lot of canonization, is the idea of like, he ain't green. Like, yeah, he's the evil. Were they digging him up at all?

And they were staying?

They were just hacking off parts of them, though. At that point, they were just hacking off parts.

We were in the middle of doing all this research, and now I went and I was like, the whole room of reliquaries where you go and you really just see just how... How do you put it? It literally is merch. It's fun and fanfare. Yeah, they wouldn't paint fucking normal people. You got to be a saint to get painted. Unless you had the money and then you could pay to be painted.

Well, look at it. We saw the marsh people, right, and the swamp guys, like all the flat people. Like, if you're buried in a specific condition, mud, you could be mummified. That can look like you're a saint. If you're buried in specific dry conditions, you could look mummified. You could literally dry out. Specific cold conditions, you could just turn into, essentially, you just kind of dry out.

Like a jerky. Or you freeze, yeah. Yeah, so that is, you know, it's very difficult. You can dig up a lot of guys in the fjords and find out that they're all accidental saints. I love Saint Encino Man. He's one of my favorites. One of my favorites. I love, oh, because nothing like the historically religious touch of the weasel. He's an apostle. Yeah.

This is interesting.

What a holy subway station this must be.

Is that why so many saints are Italian?

I got garlic in my shorts right now. I took a shit in my pants earlier.

Jerkoffs.

How does this make you extra holy? You're doing this to yourself.

No one asked you, bro. All saints are cutters.

A lot of them, yeah. They all could look like Grimes. Tumblr girls, just like, with messed up mascara.

But that didn't happen until later on. And then I got the impression that a lot of times you didn't even look like the person that they painted.

You know, I was looking up, why is garlic used? Because a lot of times they talk a lot about the power of the smell of garlic and how it's holy, it can heal you. We know now that garlic does have actual healing properties or whatever, antiviral things. But I was trying to find out, because it was also one of the... I believe it's Hecate? Is that how you pronounce it?

The goddess?

Hecate. Hecate? Yeah. Oh, I love a cold Hecate and a summer day. They sacrifice garlic to her. It's been around for a long time. And I was really looking up, like, why garlic? Why does it turn against vampires? And it's legitimately, it seems, it's just because it smells like that. Yeah. And when they first found it and they cracked it open, they were like, whoa! Yeah.

Impressionist. Thank you.

Did this kill people?

Like, easily, right?

Well, everyone shits when they die. Well, they said a lot of times one of the ways they could tell you were about to be magically healed is that you spent a long time being more sick than you've ever been.

I mean, honestly, spread me around. How am I going to have one resting place? I walked by fucking St. Peter's the other day, and I remember they have, what's it, Carol O'Connor? What's his name? The guy, the big cardinal that everybody likes? The guy that was there? Carol O'Connor? He's from the show.

There's somebody else, some Irish guy. But I just kept thinking how fun it would be if you just put out that fat bastard's corpse in a big box, and we just go up there with ice picks and just cut little pieces off of them. And that's what New York got to do for a Wednesday.

All these reliquaries I looked at are very interesting.

Like I saw one that was very, very ornate. It was like this trifolding thing in the center of it. It was a reliquary that contained Mary Magdalene's tooth. and in it was this thing that didn't look like a tooth, but it looks like a shard of something ancient in the very center of it.

And the other one I saw was awesome, where they put a skull in it, and it had a dude's skull inside of it for forever, until eventually someone came and knocked a hole in the back of the thing and took the skull out of it to go bring it other places, because that's what they would do, because that's how you took it. Essentially, you just have to steal it, like the old version of stealing your god.

You probably needed an ashtray.

Hell yeah.

It's the broth thing I was talking about earlier. We'll get into this later.

There's some good words here. I like persecutions and perpetrated together. Marcus has plenty of $10 words.

It's always been this way. One minute, you're in. The next week, you're out. It's just so crazy because they would put up heads to scare people, but then they'd also put up heads to worship and protect people. Humans are one of the most complicated primates that you see outside of the zoo, my friend.

They saw them a lot.

And Saint Faith was the actual patron saint of slow cookers.

Hello, yes, let us in. We're a bunch of wet, naked girls. What we need is some shelter because our breasts are heaving and shuddering. The Trojan horse.

There's going to be a couple later I probably won't know. I really hope that you do some Cormac McCarthy like, the blood, it dries. The moon, it stares. The boy, he sucks. The girl in my car, cross state lines.

That's a real fucking spy. They had more time back then.

He was never a sexy girl. He was never a sexy girl. He lied. And all the times I made fuck to it.

I actually saw a couple of furdom sanctums on the way to Union Square this morning out there. People looking good. People working out. A lot of walking.

But the vertus is also what drove the economic part of it. And like we talked about the last episode where there were towns built around this, like tourist areas built around these areas. The Virtus was another... I feel like there was always people that were true believers and people that were very cynical about what was going on. Yeah, the guys who sold the rosary beads.

Yes, and the guys, they would manipulate the true believers into handling the bad shit. I feel like they were the ones there... cleaning the reliquary, doing all the dumb shit. They're the guys who show up and collect all the money at the end of the day, and they're the ones who notice.

Because why would saints go in and out of favor if they didn't, like, in one way, probably don't have the same juice? No. There's probably less people getting more vertus. They're saying, oh, you know, my blind aunt went to St. Bing Bong, and she's not blind anymore, right? Cool, whatever. But then I went there, and I've still got a three-inch dick.

You mean like it's that thing where you're like, then maybe they're moving on to another saint. And so then they're watching it from the outside in a cynical way, knowing that the Virtus means money.

Yeah. So you have to hang with it like our old timey weed dealers? Yeah, man. You have to go like hang out and just be like a comedy booker?

Why do I think It's actually more straightforward. Just pay for it. Instead of hanging out, just pay for it.

How many people hung out with Virgin Mary toast for nine days? They're like, this isn't working. This sucks. This toast is not funny, and the more I look at it, that's a blob. This is a toast to malfunction. I don't believe in God anymore.

Oh, my grandmother, the entire wall was prayer cards. Every funeral, they give you one. They pick a saint for you, and they give you one, and you put your name on the back, and all of a sudden, that's your saint. Yep, that shit ain't free. But isn't that interesting that they, like, it's another, you know, this is where the history of religion, I find, because it's,

In a way, it's a business, and it's not. So they let the audience tell them what they'll buy. Yeah. So they were like, oh, you want this shit? All right. We can make that shit. We know a lot of painters. Yeah. Oh, man, I went to a store outside the Vatican, and it's just like holy water. It's like, come on. Are you telling me that the Pope came by and blessed this fucking? There you go.

Hey, make sure I get 10%. Wave your arms in front of the store. I'm like, it's blessed.

Here you go. Blessed sparrows. Yeah. Is your place Coca-Cola Zero? That's easy. That's going to be awesome as Pope.

Make me ugly. Which is so hard as a Portuguese lady.

You wasn't confused? He wasn't like, honestly, though, if you like, I think that's got to be at least conflicting where you're like, you know, I'm mad that you messed this up for the family, but it's crazy that you have a beard now, right? It's not just like, that means it works. That means that we could pray to him for other shit.

Now, if you have your daughter crucified, do you have to pay for it? No.

That's the best part!

according to tradition yes normally the father of the crucified has to pay for it no per the rules vilgefortis meets the criteria of a saint a martyr with one miracle although the murder part is debatable yeah because it wasn't necessarily for god it was because she didn't want to she didn't want to marry the guy but god helped her yeah but i think the reason

It almost is a feature that you have to die to be super for God. Catholicism is very metal. It's very intense. It's very morbid. It's very death heavy. Well, they want your blood. They want your cum. They want your shit. They want to eat it. The Catholics are fucked. I found a picture of myself the other day in the stations of the cross plane. It's just me holding a spear at Jesus.

But if he was a real man, he'd shave that beard and he'd kiss you anyway because it's what's underneath that counts and comes down to. That's why I had to shave my beard because you've got to show. You've got to reveal. You have to reveal to your wife. Saint Gillette.

It's almost like you should then definitely stay. Because that's your trial. Congratulations.

Now, so can you ask for forgiveness if you murder your husband? Yeah.

Exactly. And put all your reasons on the bullet casings because it's fun as hell for everybody else. Now America, killmymother.com. Fly from your grave.

Is it just because the talent pool was thinning?

Make him a saint. Come on, make him a saint. Why not? Do we know how many saints there are? That's a great question, Eddie. It's more than 10,000. It was an editing joke for you.

I got two butts. It's great. That's great for him.

Say it faster. Yeah, that's always how you get through everything. That's how I do it.

There's no... Homo bonus. We didn't write his name. We're just gambling because we don't know how else to do it. It is impossible not to address... Homo bonus.

And think about what you're willing to say when a guy from the Vatican...

I was like, hell yeah.

shows up and he's asking all these questions you're good and you are if you're talking to somebody in the vatican and you're not in trouble you are like you're obviously a super fan right you're you're there to talk to them about it they're going to ask you pointed questions about your homo bonus friend right they're going to say what what did he do what were his miracles and you're going to want to make that guy happy yeah i think you're going to want to tell that guy exactly what he wants to hear and more and they're going to go like wow yeah

Imagine getting jealous, though, like your buddy dies and he sucks, you know? And then the Vatican shows up and they're like, tell us, you know, is Jerry St. Worthy? Like, fucking Jerry? Jerry's the guy? Let me ask you. How'd you get that? I've been doing these fucking Zoom saint auditions for four years.

Yeah, I did that too, man. It's called mushrooms, man. Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro. Fucking sticky leaf, dude. That's all you need, man.

patron saint of mescaline yeah dude she's just getting fucked by god super fucked no i mean seriously she going up there is that what she means by communion with the holy loving union with the whole with the soul of god does sound like doggy style it sounds like oh let's hit that doggy style alarm

I'm sorry, everybody. It's been a hard week. I lost a good friend. Two days ago, I lost a good friend out in the open. I can't believe he's gone. I've been missing him ever since. God, I just... I've not been right. Oh, God.

Dominatrix?

Are they sure the cross wasn't an IUD? Get all the way up into her heart. Sometimes you honor too hard of a horse ride. A little cross in the uterus protecting my wife from my semen. By the power of Christ.

Hey, listen, I know this is sound crazy, right? You cut her boobies off so I can play with them? Listen, I just want to see what it's like, okay? I've never just played with boobies without a woman next to me.

This is just so many people just saying, I'm sorry you got diced up to death after death. And it's like, man, they're dead. They don't know. You didn't get killed in London. You got killed in some little shire. And so no one gives a shit.

That's it? Yeah, bad death. But she was a nice lady?

See, that's not sainthood. I call that like a mulligan. There's a bunch of guys going like, hey, listen, I'm sorry, we had just seen, what was it, the river? Was that the one with Sean Penn where they beat the Mystic River? Mystic River, yeah. So I was all right fucking, oh, man, I was keyed up.

Yeah, as long as we got your body and your soul, like you gave that up for us, we only need one. Yeah, only one. Now, an after-death miracle, is that like stories that people told about the person?

It turned out that he was there the whole time. I think they should investigate the priest that made him a saint and be like, hey, sometimes people are wrong.

That's so cute. That totally demoralizes every other meaning of the saints. Oh, I'd much rather hang out with a bunch of dogs and saints.

Yeah, fucking super dogs there. Was it St. Bernard?

God damn it. God damn it! He got you.

This French always jump into conclusions.

They love killing dogs.

It's super noisy to immediately kill a dog. Yeah.

If this other guy can crucify his daughter, these people can kill a dog.

Wow, yeah. Let's hold space for them.

Yeah, and it can turn your flopper into a grower if you pray at a picture of Mother Teresa. And by pray, I mean... I've been praying to St. Cocker.

You know who should be a saint? Who? The guy who invented shoe inserts. Dr. Scholl? Saint Scholl. Of the very limited... Saint Dr. Scholl.

Yeah, and also just shows the rulers are now in charge. This is like us making it even more powerful. That's kind of what I mean where the dog one kind of lowers, but the king ones raise the value of the other saints. The dog one probably sold a lot of amulets. It did.

Yeah, literally, yeah, it made a lot of money.

Yeah.

That is pretty good. And that changes a lot of shit because you're trying to bring, you're trying to convert these guys. Yeah. That's so much better than just killing them because then you get them too. Yeah.

No.

Can you kill a dog?

Can you be eaten by wolves? Can your blood make me not sick anymore? But this is like how we got like St. Edward, who was a king.

It was King Edward. And he just like, he's like, when I die, I'm going to be a saint. And everyone's like, of course.

Yeah, yeah, he was over there. I was having a hard time coming up with the new mix for the Ye album, and I prayed to St. Eugene, next thing you know, I was fired.

I like religion when it's this openly a scam. This is when you're like, you see how little it really matters? They're just making up the rules as they go.

You're not my clit hero. It's hard on the thumbs. How do you think I busted my wrist? Clitar hero.

Yeah, I don't know why, though. It sounds like she's a lovely woman.

Yeah, no, he's just like, I don't care. Maybe it's just because Margaret is a really fun name to yell.

Yeah, dude, just a hole, just like a literal hole.

He piles his head up like, uh, like a little groundhog. It's like a pantry.

I know.

How does that happen?

It's all I think. Well, it depends on how many months pregnant she is. At that time, it's technically you're no longer a lady. You're a gusher. Can we please move on?

Yeah, which is a great file because it covers everything. Anything. Anything.

Task rabbits. Oh, it helps me with everything.

Damn. And they knew that she was finally dead like the Wicked Witch of the West because of her name, her labia's just popped out at the bottom of the door. At the very, very end. That's how they knew she was done. And then a boat sank because loose lips sink ships. See, that's too far. That's too far because that's not even on topic.

With their strawberry sunset. It's a strawberry sunset and I can't see the day. Go grab the door and I'll get the stones. Preston and Preggie. You ever seen that? You ever seen Preston and Preggie? That was a B sign, I think. Have you seen this?

Really rare. Yeah.

Yeah, flips to the other side because it's not as cool to die for Christ if everybody's dying for Christ.

Now, for ecstatic visions, just understand that what that is, it's like you're having like a trance state. Joseph of Cupertino was a local simpleton that was very—they all liked him.

And he came up there going like, Hey, everybody, you guys see Paracross State? Paracross State? And everyone's just like, oh, hey, Joe. You know, being like, oh, he's really manhandling the sugar packets. Get off of the sugar packets. You know, we love him, though. You know, he's like, you need help? You need help in the back? Can we get any eggs? Being like, no, Joe, we don't need help.

Thank you, though. Thank you so much. You're so sweet.

I don't feel bad because I just don't want to bum anybody out. If you feel like I need to be in here, then that's fine with me. A fun new expression is he's so dumb he floats.

It's just kind of fun to be in a new place, everybody asking questions and stuff. I hope you guys found the power of Christ. Where are you going to put that? Let's nail him in the fucking forehead.

I get it. Air Jordan. Yeah. He was like that. And he was, you know, he was good at business, good at basketball, not great at being a father. No. Even worse as a son. Whoa. Sadly. Really, really sadly. But Joey just flied to float.

Yeah, because he would fly and go, no, no, no. Oh, no, someone get a string. Oh, no, I'm going to be caught. Oh, no. And they're like, what do you do with that guy? Yeah, every time they tried to kill him, the guy had a hammer next to his head. He's like, I can't do it.

What are you doing? You want to go out for lunch? Send him to a friary. Just get down. Just get off the ceiling. This rabbit's real cute. Get off the fan, Joe.

How bad do astronauts feel? And that's where we get the insult. Your mom is an astronaut. What is he? Here's your Joseph of Cupertino. The patron saint of simple boys. Simple Jack is supposed to accompany me to the ISS.

They all are wacky and horrible, but... Yeah, I couldn't even tell the story of Tommy Cantaloupe.

Yeah, but guys... This is not, I heard some conjecture that episode 600 was not going to come until 2025. And so those people, you're fucking dead ass wrong. Yeah, there's a whole month till 2025. Next week, we begin a very large series that I'm very, very excited for. It's a story we've wanted to tell for a very long time. And this is going to be fun.

It's the story of my C-section. Yeah. Five days long. Well, thank you guys so much. Go to patreon.com slash last podcast and left, and you can pay to watch us flop around. We're here in the lovely... We've got to thank these studios here. Melrose. Melrose Podcast. We're at Melrose Podcast. Thank you so much for having us. You guys were awesome. Thank you.

And go to LastPodcastLeft.com to buy tickets for our live show. Tomorrow night, we are at King's Theater. Yeah. We are doing good. Honestly, we're doing great for tickets. We sold a shit ton, but we opened up the second balcony or whatever.

a little extra room. It's an impossibly large room, so please come out. We can't fucking wait to be back, and we're in Philly tonight. Yeah, we're in Philly tonight, but also in January, don't forget, it's going to be a great Christmas present. We're going to be in Atlanta on January 11th at the Coca-Cola Roxy, and also after that, we'll be in Dallas, Nashville, Detroit, and Toronto.

Yes, we have a brand new one. We have a new line also coming out.

I like Black Phillip, but I like, yeah.

Beautiful. This is great. Hail Satan. And let's go be saintly today, Marcus.

Go kill somebody at the hotel and ask for forgiveness at St. Peter's. Hail Tia Nicole Blankenship. She's a fan that we lost this week. Patriot saint of Last Podcast Network. That's very, very sweet. Absolutely. And thank you, Adam, our guest producer for today. Thank you, Adam. Yes. All right. Bye. Bye.

Blandina, you're sucking all the milk and you're leaving your mouth rings on the edges of the box!

The way I kind of put it is that it changed from the way Last Podcast and Left grew from a grassroots, everybody telling each other about it. We won the People's Choice Award at the Webby's. That was our thing. folk canonization by the internet people of the time, which is still weak. We love our Webby every day.

I think about the Webby, and I miss that magical night, that one night we got to be at the Webby's.

Oh, yeah, it was great. I love it. He mispronounced Marcus Parks?

Yeah, he's a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit and an idiot. Why would you do that? I don't know. But you see, that was how things used to get chosen. It was always about the public. They were building up these ideas and that helped Christianity for a while because it showed, look, they're loving our shit. We're going to make them a saint.

He did not go to 15 years of uncomfortable foot school to be Mr. Saint Scholl. And he's one of the very few Jewish saints.

We're going to use the popularity index and we're going to make them a saint. But then it would switch to the smartless brands. Yeah. Of Internet. Right. Where now you have a bunch of celebrities and then like, you know, the Meghan Markles, the Kelsey brothers of the world, where they what they do is they package their famous podcast and then just give it to you.

And then you suck it up like a bunch of dogs and pigs. And that's the difference of when they took over canonization.

Now, do saints have to be after Christ? Why isn't Noah or Moses a saint?

Shit ton of miracles.

He was different and he was a wizard.

They got to hold on to canon, right? Like, that's the thing. That's where canon comes from. When we worked for DC, where they showed up and we wanted to maybe use Superman for a thing. They're like, oh, you want to use Superman? Here's the four-inch book of rules that you have to follow to use Superman.

Does God's Influencer also sell Casper mattresses? Like, does it work like that? Is he out there selling, like, I'm trying to think, blue chew? Yeah.

My back really hurts. My back hurts. My penis hurts. But I think that's because of my jeans. Yeah, or it's because you yank it so much when you're away from your wife. My wife just got back. And so I can retire old gripper. Welcome to the last podcast on the left.

Bunch of white Spider-Man. All the rest of the Spider-Man happened to be white. Even the chick was white. I didn't notice one Jewish one. And I feel like that's an issue. Oh, I love Joel Speedman.

That was my favorite Spider-Man.

This is real 90s Spider-Man.

This is my hologram cover of Spider-Man. Spectacular Spider-Man.

And isn't The Amazing Spider-Man?

The Pedophile Spider-Man. Have you seen that one?

Shooting all kinds of webs.

Little kids look like haunted houses. Catholicism. That's the spookiest child I've ever seen. Don't talk like that about him. He's traumatized.

And the more you drag them along, the more you have, to use super dumb advertising terms, a sticky customer. The more you get them to include the DLC of it, the more they're willing, they're showing their willingness to be involved in the religion.

I tried. And I've read Dianetics. Yeah. It's very difficult.

There's no reason to read it.

When we're talking about religious figures, everybody's got a different set of, let's use the word, opinions about these things. So just remember, that's part of what we're doing here.

It's almost like the details. Yes, it does. It's almost like the details were made up in the first place and they don't really matter.

He's got his head chopped off.

Not gripping as much anymore because I'm back in the married life.

So it's like the Real Housewives of Constantinople? Yeah. This is the dumbest shit. Definitely a couple C's back in the dictionary. Man, you can hold down Alice Cooper.

Yeah.

Oh, the great Jesus Christ. Oh, Miss Wonderful.

Oh, if you can show me your soul divine, can you turn this water into wine?

It really is. It's like you set up a bunch of parameters. If you want to be a number one Catholic, you've got to die miserably. Yeah. To be one. And then other people see it happen and they don't realize once you're dead, you're not going to fucking know if you're a saint or not. And then they think, oh, good, I'll get to go to heaven. I guess I get box seats.

I've been flopping.

That's right. That's right.

Because isn't that actual the theology? Yeah, that's the actual theology. Is that you hang, you'll never see heaven. But I thought that Jesus opened heaven. I thought that was the idea that Jesus opened heaven.

Peter's sitting up there judging fuckers. He's just the fucking, he's the bouncer.

actually a problem he needs to go to a doctor he needs to get his new penis bone inserted and today we're going to be expanding upon the world of the catholic saints yay by popular demand we're seriously this whole story and i was just in the met for like i went through and i did not understand how much saint merch would be at the met yeah it's all because like i guess because the last time i went

Because we're all just people just hanging out in the queue.

Thank you. Long-time listener, first-time caller.

So I'm looking to start a consulting business with a friend of mine. We've both been in the industry for over 20 years, and we're selling our businesses, and we're looking to form a consulting company. And I know you don't, and I don't want it to be a partnership, so wondering how else we could structure it That could be a win-win for both of us.

We have similar views on things, and he has some skill sets that are different than mine, so I think we could make a good team, but I wondered how we could structure it without it being a partnership.

Probably, I would say, probably 85% to 90% would be both of us. There would be a few cases where his skill set would be the only thing needed, and he would be doing it, and a few that I could handle on my own. But most of them would be a joint effort.

Okay, I'd thought about that.

So maybe a scenario would be say, if I say, okay, you, you know, Jen, you're, you're more dominant. You, you've got a better vision of what we're, where we're going. So you start the LLC and, We work together. We still do a 50-50 split on that, but you're going to be the one.

Yeah.

Uh-uh.

Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah.

Then you're just like a pedestrian. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, I do too.

There's always going to be smelling salts. I'll hit it. There's always going to be smelling salts to bring you... This is the dark road.

Oh, oh You know

Yeah.

I'd be fascinated.

That's wild, huh? Theo Vaughn's wearing Jordans.

Oh, those are tight.

Oh, yeah, I got a pair of those.

Yeah.

Oh, like the rules? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Here we fucking go. Here we go.

Jesus, son.

Yeah, you can just choke him.

Yeah.

And went where?

Nuts. I've got to watch that.

Oh, yeah.

That's crazy.

He talks about it and it happens again. That's crazy.

Jesus Christ.

Daddy loves you. I want to suck your cock.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you son of a bitch. They keep changing it.

Yeah.

Right.