Joel Lovell

It was mostly just a matter of queuing up the highlight reel of anxiety and letting the images flicker away inside my head. Pops Ferrara pinning me to the ground and spitting in my face. Or the hobos who at that very moment were no doubt sitting on the tracks above our house waiting for the lights to go out.

It was mostly just a matter of queuing up the highlight reel of anxiety and letting the images flicker away inside my head. Pops Ferrara pinning me to the ground and spitting in my face. Or the hobos who at that very moment were no doubt sitting on the tracks above our house waiting for the lights to go out.

Or my dad's weak heart and what his face would look like when it started to clench inside his chest. I dialed up all the imaginary drama inside my head, which kept me awake, which then allowed me to dial down the very real drama that existed each night inside our house. And it worked. It worked so well, in fact, that almost immediately, there were consequences.

Or my dad's weak heart and what his face would look like when it started to clench inside his chest. I dialed up all the imaginary drama inside my head, which kept me awake, which then allowed me to dial down the very real drama that existed each night inside our house. And it worked. It worked so well, in fact, that almost immediately, there were consequences.

By training myself to fear sleep, it became my default mode. I set myself up for a lifetime of late-night distress, unproductive self-probing, and troubling discoveries I'd never have made if I hadn't been awake in the middle of the night. The first and maybe the biggest came at the end of our peewee football season in the fall of 1977.

By training myself to fear sleep, it became my default mode. I set myself up for a lifetime of late-night distress, unproductive self-probing, and troubling discoveries I'd never have made if I hadn't been awake in the middle of the night. The first and maybe the biggest came at the end of our peewee football season in the fall of 1977.

We'd played all the local teams and won all our games, and so we were selected to play in a peewee-sanctioned turkey bowl in Seaford, Long Island, seven hours away. When our coach gave us the news, all the kids on my team raised their helmets in the air and hooted like they'd seen real players do on TV. What I thought was, oh, Jesus, another two weeks of dodging Pops Ferrara, great.

We'd played all the local teams and won all our games, and so we were selected to play in a peewee-sanctioned turkey bowl in Seaford, Long Island, seven hours away. When our coach gave us the news, all the kids on my team raised their helmets in the air and hooted like they'd seen real players do on TV. What I thought was, oh, Jesus, another two weeks of dodging Pops Ferrara, great.

It was worse than that, though. We weren't going to bunk together in motel rooms, which would have been bad enough. We were going to stay with the families of players on the opposing team.

It was worse than that, though. We weren't going to bunk together in motel rooms, which would have been bad enough. We were going to stay with the families of players on the opposing team.

As you might imagine, I was a kid who dreaded sleeping over at anyone's house, much less a stranger's, in part because of garden variety anxiety, and in part because I worried about what might happen in my own house if I wasn't there. I tried every excuse to get out of it, but nothing worked.

As you might imagine, I was a kid who dreaded sleeping over at anyone's house, much less a stranger's, in part because of garden variety anxiety, and in part because I worried about what might happen in my own house if I wasn't there. I tried every excuse to get out of it, but nothing worked.

And so when the time arrived, I ate breakfast in silence as my mother packed my lunch, then rode with my father to the parking lot outside Perkins Pancake House, where I boarded our bus and sat as far away from Pops as possible. 300 or so miles later, we arrived at another parking lot, and car after car pulled up and took my teammates away. Eventually, the family I'd be staying with arrived.

And so when the time arrived, I ate breakfast in silence as my mother packed my lunch, then rode with my father to the parking lot outside Perkins Pancake House, where I boarded our bus and sat as far away from Pops as possible. 300 or so miles later, we arrived at another parking lot, and car after car pulled up and took my teammates away. Eventually, the family I'd be staying with arrived.

A big, square-headed man with his two sons, smaller versions of him, one a few years older than I was and the other my age. They sat silently on either side of me in the back seat of their station wagon as their father talked about football all the way back to their home. Their mother greeted us on their front lawn.

A big, square-headed man with his two sons, smaller versions of him, one a few years older than I was and the other my age. They sat silently on either side of me in the back seat of their station wagon as their father talked about football all the way back to their home. Their mother greeted us on their front lawn.

Her face was sweet and chubby, and she wore a fighting Irish baseball cap over her brillowy hair. She put her arm around my shoulders as she led me into their house. It was dark in there, all heavy furniture and curtains, and there was Notre Dame paraphernalia all over the place. A Notre Dame blanket and throw pillow on the sofa. A Notre Dame latch hook rug on the dark-paneled family room wall.

Her face was sweet and chubby, and she wore a fighting Irish baseball cap over her brillowy hair. She put her arm around my shoulders as she led me into their house. It was dark in there, all heavy furniture and curtains, and there was Notre Dame paraphernalia all over the place. A Notre Dame blanket and throw pillow on the sofa. A Notre Dame latch hook rug on the dark-paneled family room wall.

Notre Dame posters all over the bedroom that the brother shared. The kid my age, the one I'd be playing the next day, he barely talked to me, and his older brother spoke only when he wanted to mock the two of us.

Notre Dame posters all over the bedroom that the brother shared. The kid my age, the one I'd be playing the next day, he barely talked to me, and his older brother spoke only when he wanted to mock the two of us.