John Ballen
speaker
344 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
John Ballen’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
And I think that there's a mental conditioning to being able to do that job that comes from training. And frankly, it's a remarkable thing that they're able to create this system that creates really capable warfighters because that's how you protect your country. That's how you go out and do what you got to do. But when you come out of that, when you sort of – what's the word?
It's almost like when you – it's like you enter this matrix of thinking when you go through training and you become like willing and able to fight wars basically. But when you begin to fracture and you begin to sort of realize that you want to do something else with your life – you have to like kind of come to terms with what you have been doing and the way you've been thinking about it.
You begin to view who you were as a SEAL as a person you don't, for me only. I was not proud of the person I had become. I had sort of really leaned into being as aggressive and as like, you know, like alpha as I possibly could be, not with my teammates, but just in doing the job that I had sort of drifted down a path that I wasn't very proud of.
And I think that realizing that this wasn't a fit for me, like being in the SEALs, even though I got medically retired, I think I realized it wasn't a fit for me and I would have gotten out whether or not I was medically retired. It was really difficult to cope with that loss of identity.
Yeah, but I go to therapy for them. And shout out to Vinny Shorman, who actually, he's based in the UK. He's my therapist. He's awesome. We haven't really delved too deeply into the military stuff. But yeah, I think that it's something that will always be with me. I certainly, when I think about having served, I'm very proud and I'm proud to have
I'm a veteran now, and the people I worked with were incredible. Even the people that hate me now. It doesn't mean I think any less of them. They're incredible people in the military. I think that I just sort of... It wasn't a fit for me. I thought the military was, but it was the SEAL thing that drew me in. And in many ways, this is going to sound weird, but I was sort of lucky enough...
uh to get to deploy to afghanistan and actually have a combat deployment because many people what happens is they go to like a war fighting unit like a special operations unit and then they never see combat and it's not because they made any decision it's just the way it goes and those people it's sort of like they have this unchecked box yeah but it's not their decision and so in a way i was given this gift and it sounds horrible to say it that way but i don't know how else to say it of getting to sort of do the job in real life
But there are sort of like, and to anybody who's listening that's done multiple deployments, like, look at this guy. Like, I don't claim to have like, oh, I've done 87 deployments and this is my experience. It's just from like, I had one combat tour, one. But it was enough to show me that like that isn't what I was cut out to do.
And I think that, but I still did those things and I still was that person. And now as a civilian sort of reconciling that I'm such a different person now in a good way. I've taken all the best qualities I possibly could and I poured them into this person. I'm trying to be a good husband and a good dad. And I'm trying to do all the right things.
But it's like I have this part of me that it's just crazy to me that I was ever a Navy SEAL. It's crazy.
that you can't talk yourself out of them. A demon to me is something that If you begin to have those thoughts and you feel them creeping in and you tell yourself, stop thinking about it. I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to think about that.
If you have those thoughts in your life that even just the slightest beginning of a thought about that thing starts to creep into your head and your reaction to it is not now. I don't want to do this. I can't do this right now. It's all happening in your head. If that's something that you deal with, That's a demon. It's something that is like the uncontrollable thought that comes into your head.
It usually happens at the same time of the day or same thing that triggers it. And if your reaction to it is, oh, my God, I can't think about this thing, like that is a demon in your life. And you are not going to be able, at least in my opinion, long term, to simply convince yourself that that's not a demon. It is a demon. It doesn't matter if it's rational or not.
For me, I have several that sort of creep into my life, but the only way I have found to sort of cope with them is to sort of not embrace them because that's not what you do, is to talk about them with someone who it's cathartic to talk about it with a therapist, but it's even more cathartic to almost hear yourself talking about it.
Like you actually, for me specifically, like I have things that I've said in therapy that I can't believe I'm saying out loud that are so like personal and intimate and so tied to like deep insecurities and pains in my life. But it's only in that environment with like a third party who's neutral in a private setting. that these things just come to the surface and I'm saying these things.
And the beautiful thing about having a great therapist is their whole gig is they're listening and interpreting and providing perspective. They're not trying to like tell you, oh, that's not a thing. It's like, well, have you thought about it this way?
So, you know, it's funny. My dad and I recently have sort of had a resurgence. He and I sort of had, I guess you could call it a falling out. I was very close with my dad growing up. My parents split when I was 13. And even though I was living with my mom and sisters, my dad was a very active part of my life. It isn't like I didn't see him again. But we had a good relationship, me and my dad.
And then when I left for the Navy, it came after I had found a way to graduate college. And I was talking about law school a little bit. And I think my dad, he was like, that's great. My son, he turned it around. He's got this career in mind that seems like a really strong idea.
and i sort of sprung it on him and my mom and my sis my sisters that i'm like actually no when i graduate college i'm going to enlist in the navy and try to be a navy seal i hadn't really talked about it with them at all i mean i'm exaggerating but it was a very quick turnaround and i i didn't want to talk to them about it because i knew they'd say one why will you make it through and two why are you doing this
And so when I began talking about it, like right at the end of my college career, like literally I'm getting ready to enlist, my dad, I think he couldn't quite wrap his mind around the idea that I really was going to do this. For reasons that make sense to me now that didn't at the time, like it's his son. If you're successful, that's not good. You're going to be a Navy SEAL, like going to war.
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