John Oliver

Well, first of all, this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer. These are real men really going at it on the floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older sports for Ultimate Fighting's more authentic brand of homoeroticism. Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it is fighting.

Well, first of all, this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer. These are real men really going at it on the floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older sports for Ultimate Fighting's more authentic brand of homoeroticism. Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it is fighting.

That's very graceful.

That's very graceful.

Good, because if you did, I'd have to, whoa, whoa, easy. Easy, Copernicus. Don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry. But I know.

Good, because if you did, I'd have to, whoa, whoa, easy. Easy, Copernicus. Don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry. But I know.

Well, why combine a cell phone with a camera?

Well, why combine a cell phone with a camera?

Okay, you win this round, but let me say this. It then fits in your pocket, John, and isn't that the promise of America's melting pot?

Okay, you win this round, but let me say this. It then fits in your pocket, John, and isn't that the promise of America's melting pot?

Easy. It's my training kicking in. I understand.

Easy. It's my training kicking in. I understand.

I'm not... I'm not... No, John. I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in turn represents America. What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level of playing field shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass-kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass? Stop.

I'm not... I'm not... No, John. I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in turn represents America. What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level of playing field shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass-kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass? Stop.

Well, John, most economists define a recession as two consecutive quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline in key indicators, such as retail sales, employment, and real GDP. Amateurs.

Well, John, most economists define a recession as two consecutive quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline in key indicators, such as retail sales, employment, and real GDP. Amateurs.

Well, I'm a little more old school, John. That's just how I roll. To me, the most tried and true method for determining if you're in a recession begins with this little device right here. Wow. An antique stock ticker. That's... More than that. It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As long as this bird is alive, the economy is doing just fine.

Well, I'm a little more old school, John. That's just how I roll. To me, the most tried and true method for determining if you're in a recession begins with this little device right here. Wow. An antique stock ticker. That's... More than that. It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As long as this bird is alive, the economy is doing just fine.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's fine. He's just taking a little investment nap. Come on. Wake up there, money beak. Come on. Wake up. Okay. That's no good. So this means we're in a recession. Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all, began in March of 2001.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's fine. He's just taking a little investment nap. Come on. Wake up there, money beak. Come on. Wake up. Okay. That's no good. So this means we're in a recession. Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all, began in March of 2001.