Jonathan Wilson

So obviously the logic was I'll tip on the outside of the pier so that it goes out to sea while I'm just being swept back up the weir, back where he's come from, as it were.

And most of it was on my trousers saying I'm just going in the washing machine.

And then my mam's ashes, I scattered near a bit of forest near Ullswater in the Lake District.

The tipping was fine because it was sort of like a bank comes down and there's a bench with a view that you really liked.

And then just in front of the bench, it's quite a low wall.

It drops quite suddenly to this field with cows in.

So I was able to tip it over the wall into this long grass.

So there wasn't this sort of blowback effect.

But then I went for a walk and I came back a couple hours later and there was a bit of wind and there was a family sitting on the bench eating a picnic.

And I was like, oh no.

Like, you're probably eating the ashes of my mom.

That's not, oh no.

What do I do?

This is The Guardian.

There is always room in any team for the maverick, the rebel with a cause, the naughty boy for whom the teacher just has a soft spot.

Those are the words of Peter Drury on Sky yesterday, who was laying it on somewhat thick after Ryan Shirky's mesmeric opening goal in the big one yesterday.

Unfortunately, this Drury stream of consciousness was interrupted by the trifling matter of Arsenal scoring an equaliser.

Nevertheless, nevertheless, I would like to hereby upgrade my classification of Ryan Shirky from signing of the season to player of the season.

Welcome to the party, guys.

Yeah, Erling Haaland scores some goals, including the winner yesterday.