Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Appearances
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
That's the problem with North Africans. That's what I'm talking about. Hell yeah. I'm in. 100% agree. Let's go.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
What happens to you in the summertime? Where are we putting the Italians? Listen. I don't need they food. I don't like tomatoes. So they're going on the white side. Black people spend over a trillion dollars a year. I would love for the government to force us to spend it on our own people. This is very good. I like this a lot. I brought you over to the side. And the black airplane? Oh, come on.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
The soul plane, baby. I want to be on soul plane. Yes. It's going to be noisy on there, but that's what noise cancellation headphones are for.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
And they're going to have all the good movies? All the good movies. All the good music. Oh, man.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
So what's your take? Bring back segregation. 100% disagree. Dead act.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
OK, I like this. OK. You were saying that the black excellence. Absolutely.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
A fake detective? Was she stripping? How would that make one think they've been poisoned?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Give her husband a thrill. Let him know why he's marrying her. I don't know the answer, Peter. You know the answer.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
All the money they spent. You almost gave me a heart attack. You should die.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Yeah, I'm at that age when somebody cancels plans, I'm like, yes.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I want them to test it with, like, all the different drugs. All the different gases. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
And Joelle Nicole Johnson. Giving your parents the 60K you want when you are a stay-at-home son.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Yeah. I don't need chat GPT. My mother will tell me, you know. My mother once told me I was gaining weight while I was eating pasta in Paris. Really? Yeah. I flew her there first class. Wait a minute. You flew. My mama.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
And I was like, that's why you don't have any grandkids.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Oh, yeah. I live by a mantra, Peter. Yes. We cannot double dip if we don't kiss on the lips.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
You know, this is important though, because like life skills, I wish I had gotten a class on taxes. We never got the tax class. We never got the mortgage class. We never got that when I was in high school. It's like, I don't care about the periodic table.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Nothing says I love you like a bed covered in rose petals, diamond bracelets or potato chips. This week news broke worldwide about a husband named Johnny who tried to surprise his wife Rachel with a romantic gesture. He loves her and she loves chips.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
So for her birthday, he took her to exotic Blackpool, Lancashire, and asked the hotel staff to cover the bed in 30 bags of assorted potato chips for his crisp, loving battle axe. He assumed they knew he meant to keep the chips in the bag.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
However, a confused staffer who must have thought they had some type of fetish misunderstood the request and opened the bags of chips and poured them all over the bed. Upon entering the room, Rachel thought they were the victims of a cartoonish break-in. As she ate a few of the chips off the bed, he sheepishly explained his intention, and they got one of the best laughs of their relationship.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
And Johnny learned a valuable lesson when making a request to never assume clarity, because when you assume, you make an ass out of you, me, and the hotel staff.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
Yeah. Well, it's interesting because I grew up in Atlanta, so Jonan, which is also, that's how, I guess that's the place they call it, the dozens.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
So when we're going back and forth, that's what we call Jonan.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
I'm sure Kendrick Lamar will tell us.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
You've never been in a Bass Pro shop?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
Yes, I love a Bass Pro Shop. Exactly.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
You give me precious back, you give me precious.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Jack Powers of Las Vegas, Nevada. Okay. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
If you can spill it, spread it, pump it, or pour it, it should go in a checked bag.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Jeff got all three questions correct. Yeah. It's a record. It's a record.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows, filling in for Bill Curtis.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
We're playing this week with Tom Papa, Maz Jabrani, and Joelle Nicole Johnson. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
To Pizza Hut's wine, I won't say no. It's from fruits of a vine stalk that they grow. Like basil notes chased, a crust-forward taste in wine that is made from... No.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
I'm not a limerick. Never in Detroit has limericks ever been taught or read. And I'm willing to allow someone who's better. Like, if you have an Irish person in the room, they want to do it. I'm all for it. Okay, here we go. To Pizza Hut's wine, I won't say no. It's from fruits of a vine stalk that they grow like basil notes chased, a crust forward taste in wine that is made from... Pesto?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
All right, hold your heads. Here we go. Listen closely as the brother reads the lyrics. Once, an asteroid belt was our thing, and our skies had big rocks on the wing. They just kept flying around till they crashed to the ground. Just like Saturn, the Earth had a... Ring.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Here is your last limerick. Airline comfort is crossing a line. When they sleep, I have no space to dine. They lean back, and I'm hoping my laptop won't open. I vote to ban seats that recline. Yes!
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Tim, how did Kristen do in our quiz? It's a good question. You know, I was focusing so much on... I'm going to give her 800 points.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Tom has three points. Maz has three points. Joelle has two. All right, very good.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Well, I'm happy to tell you Joyelle got six right, and she now has 12 points, and she is in the lead. There you go. I have 14 points. 14 points. Did I say 12? I meant 14.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Tim, how did Maz do on our quiz? I'm happy to tell you that Maz got seven right. He now has 14 points, but he has 17 points total, and he is now in the lead. There you are. There you go, 17.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
This math is difficult. Tom got six right, 12 more. He had 15 total. But it doesn't beat Ma's because Ma's got 17 total. He's the winner.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
There's been a Dev Patel contest in San Francisco, a Jack Schlossberg meetup in Central Park, a Paul Mescal hangout in Dublin, a Harry Styles party in London.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows, making the best of a weather delay at O'Hare by filling in for Bill Curtis. And here's her host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Here, Daniel, is your last quote. California King not big enough for you? Meet the Alaska King.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
I've got to say, after years of working next to some of the absolute greats, it's really exciting to try something different. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Tim, how did Daniel do on our quiz? Wow, I'm keeping score and announcing. That's a lot of work.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
But Daniel did really well. He got all three questions correct.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
From NPR in WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows. We're playing this week with Joelle Nicole Johnson, Tom Papa, and Maz Jabrani. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Tim.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
It's cinema at its finest, said the boss about the boss. Many consider Bruce Springsteen to be a genius who can do no wrong. So why is his favorite movie, The Boss, a 2015 comedy flop starring Melissa McCarthy? It's the best movie ever made, he explained in his memoir. He calls it the Nebraska of movies.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Just a reminder, Nebraska is a sparse and moody Springsteen album critics often consider as his best work. Meanwhile, The Boss is a movie critics described as hotel TV. But public disinterest and critical disdain be damned, Springsteen demands a sequel. So this week he announced he is writing, directing, and producing The Boss 2, double The Boss.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I finally have something that will rise to the perfect standard I set with Born in the USA. It's The Boss 2, oh, oh, oh.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I sure haven't. And I'm from New Jersey. Really?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
They don't look at you like that, Paula. They do not.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
AI terrifies me, but I actually like that. You really like that? Mm-hmm. You think you'd like an AI grandma? I don't know. My grandma was mean. I think she should be a little mean. Like, Daisy should be like, sit down somewhere. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Ooh, she had an evil cat, and this is why I hate cats, and the cat would, like, hide under the table and scratch us, all the kids, when we'd walk past, but he never messed with Grandma because he knew, and she knew he was scratching us, but she didn't care. Wow.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize until right now that I should talk to my therapist about that. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
No, I didn't do any of the excursions on the last wedding I went to. I don't like excursions.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I don't want to say his name. Sadly, you must. Trump.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
and started dating an Italian dude afterwards. I don't know.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Does that mean, like, Naked and Afraid is going to have HR?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I think I'm going to do this for my stepfather because he's impossible to get gifts for.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Yeah. He's also a jerk. But he loves being a jerk. And one year I got him Omaha Steaks, like a package from Omaha Steaks. And he was like, don't ever do that again. You don't know how to pick meat. And I was like, I didn't pick the meat. Yeah. You didn't go to the stockyard and say, that cow looks tasty. What are you talking about? So now I just give him Budweiser.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
Among the items were locks of hair from each of his concubines, holiday ornaments for the Chinese New Year, and a letter on papyrus from the emperor himself. The report detailed his true reason for extending and fortifying the wall. The emperor loved his dogs.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
While the massive project began as a way to keep out the Mongol hordes, Emperor Taitsu realized it could serve another purpose, to keep his precious Shih Tzus in. The final line in the note says, sure, the emperor hated Mongolians, but he loved his dogs more. So the response to the age-old question, who let the dogs out? Not Emperor Taitsu. Turns out...
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
Yeah. I feel like Lauren Sanchez is going to get this bag and take it to space with it. Probably, yes, yes.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
I don't like flip-flops. You don't? No, I don't like feet. And my boyfriend doesn't wear them. That makes me so happy.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
But I feel like if your dog is at your wedding, it also sleeps on the bed with you.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
I've never been happier to be the only person on this stage without kids.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
Oh, I love it. I'm obsessed with this situation. I don't know if anyone has ever looked into her eyes, but you shouldn't because she looks really evil. She looks like if Ursula and Maleficent had a baby. I don't know.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
She also isn't a good COO because he asked the question of like, you know, where'd you guys meet? And she was like, we're not answering that question. And I was like, okay, it's given. High class hooker. Yeah. But... That's very generous.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
For me, you need to have a stock answer, because I met my boyfriend at a funeral, and I don't tell anyone that will listen, so I would think she would actually have a stock answer for that, you know?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
I just love that I found out I have something in common with an Iowa farmer. Really? We're not on TikTok. Yeah, you have no idea. Yeah. If alpha males are doing that, if I was a man, I would be a beta cuck.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
China is home to many tourist attractions. The Forbidden City, the Terracotta Army, and perhaps its greatest achievement of all, a wall. This week, portions of the Ming Dynasty extension eroded, and historians were excited to find a time capsule. To their delight, the peasant-turned-emperor, Taizu, had a sense of humor.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
LAUGHTER I would just like to say that I don't relate to this because my boyfriend is a bougie egg buyer. So we've been paying like $80. Oh, really? Yes. Have you guys seen the Vital Farms eggs? Okay, a couple people know what I'm talking about. You must not have kids either. So those are at $11 now.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Okay, so my friend was on SNL and she took me there to go see an episode, right? I had to go to the bathroom and she comes in and she was like, you have to leave the bathroom because Billy Crystal needs to use the bathroom. And I was like, what? And he opens the door and my pants were half down and he was like, I'm sorry, I gotta pee. So Billy Crystal saw me with my pants down.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
But I'm going to tell you, as a regrettable heterosexual, it is very sexy when men wear chunky sweaters. Really?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
That's crazy. to you for the Jones one. Thank you. All right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
It's a delicacy in our home state, Peter, a knuckle sandwich. When you get knocked out for thinking a billionaire cared about the price of eggs.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Well, he's not special because I did the same thing to prepare for the role of me in the pandemic.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
And instead of hiring an ugly chick, they was like Charlize Theron.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
I have a terrible bladder. Shout out to the terrible bladder community. And yeah, okay. I feel seen. And I'm just, I hate how long movies are now, right? Like there should be intermissions because like I had to pee right before Defying Gravity and Wicked. Like, holding your pee during that song is very terrible.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Yeah. You know who I think should be banned? What? People with open-toed shoes on the airplane.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Elaine Smalls of Decatur, Georgia, is royalty in her social circles. She's been adept in her life at an odd talent, returning anything, an ability that has earned her the moniker the take-back queen. Now you can hire Elaine for anything from returning an old laptop that conked out past its warranty to furniture your child destroyed. She doesn't even need a receipt.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Final sale isn't in her vocabulary. Her most popular service is her send-back special. For $20 and the price of an Uber, she will come to the restaurant you're eating at and send the food back that you do not like. She'll even teach you how to do it yourself. Baby steps. First, you learn to send back a dish because you didn't order it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
After just a couple of weeks, you'll be comfortable sending back dishes based on vibes alone. None of your friends will go to dinner with you anymore, but at least you're getting what you want. Her disclaimer, I only do this for large corporations. Mom and pop stores are safe from my cordial indignation.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
When asked if she feels bad about taking advantage of corporations, her response, eat the rich. They can afford it.