Kareem Rahma
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kareem Rahma speaking, the host of Subway Takes. So what's your take? Yeah, that show. I'm here to tell you some pretty cool news. We are launching a podcast. That's right. We are launching a gosh darn podcast right here wherever you're listening to this little trailer. The first show we're launching is called Subway Takes Uncut, and it's exactly what it sounds like.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kareem Rahma speaking, the host of Subway Takes. So what's your take? Yeah, that show. I'm here to tell you some pretty cool news. We are launching a podcast. That's right. We are launching a gosh darn podcast right here wherever you're listening to this little trailer. The first show we're launching is called Subway Takes Uncut, and it's exactly what it sounds like.
It is Subway Takes Uncut. It is longer interviews with your favorite guests all taking place on the train. Every episode starts with, so what's your take? And then I have no idea where they're going to take us. But... It is a fun, crazy, zany, wild, interesting show. So tune in on the TalkHouse network wherever you listen to pods. And I got to catch the train, so I'll see you around.
It is Subway Takes Uncut. It is longer interviews with your favorite guests all taking place on the train. Every episode starts with, so what's your take? And then I have no idea where they're going to take us. But... It is a fun, crazy, zany, wild, interesting show. So tune in on the TalkHouse network wherever you listen to pods. And I got to catch the train, so I'll see you around.
So what's your take?
So what's your take?
So you didn't go to the Oscars for the film that you were in. Yeah. That won Best Picture. Yeah. Because the tickets were too, you just didn't want to spend.
So you didn't go to the Oscars for the film that you were in. Yeah. That won Best Picture. Yeah. Because the tickets were too, you just didn't want to spend.
Did he give it to you in person?
Did he give it to you in person?
Oh, that's cool. That's like old Hollywood.
Oh, that's cool. That's like old Hollywood.
Like he came up to you with the script. Yeah, with the envelope. Read this.
Like he came up to you with the script. Yeah, with the envelope. Read this.
That's great. I wonder how to maintain... I wonder why some people cannot maintain... A morsel or kernel of being a human after they experience some level of a phenomena called fame. And then others seemingly have a very good grasp on being a human and decide, I'm just going to keep doing the same thing that I've always done.
That's great. I wonder how to maintain... I wonder why some people cannot maintain... A morsel or kernel of being a human after they experience some level of a phenomena called fame. And then others seemingly have a very good grasp on being a human and decide, I'm just going to keep doing the same thing that I've always done.
You're really miserable. I don't know what to do about it. You have such a nice smile when it makes a rare appearance. Yeah, yeah. It's really nice. Are you hitting on me? I'm complimenting a friend. Thank you. I'm complimenting a pal.
You're really miserable. I don't know what to do about it. You have such a nice smile when it makes a rare appearance. Yeah, yeah. It's really nice. Are you hitting on me? I'm complimenting a friend. Thank you. I'm complimenting a pal.
yeah the buddy comedy yeah the buddy drama but are you happy yeah you're happy you're not a curmudgeon i'm pretty happy right now for for a 50 year old yeah yeah you're not ready to start get off my lawn or are you doing that i don't have a lawn i live on the bqe your metaphorical lawn yeah get off the bqe
yeah the buddy comedy yeah the buddy drama but are you happy yeah you're happy you're not a curmudgeon i'm pretty happy right now for for a 50 year old yeah yeah you're not ready to start get off my lawn or are you doing that i don't have a lawn i live on the bqe your metaphorical lawn yeah get off the bqe
Get off the dang BQE. It's true. Get underground. Yeah. Find yourself on the subway.
Get off the dang BQE. It's true. Get underground. Yeah. Find yourself on the subway.
Oh, nice to see you again. Nice to see you. You helped me buy a Halloween costume. What was I wearing again? Green pants or something? Or a skeleton shirt. I was looking for a skeleton shirt. Thank you for that. You too. Nice to see you again.
Oh, nice to see you again. Nice to see you. You helped me buy a Halloween costume. What was I wearing again? Green pants or something? Or a skeleton shirt. I was looking for a skeleton shirt. Thank you for that. You too. Nice to see you again.
That's all you did? It was Halloween, and I was doing a show, a punk rock show. I'm in a band. I'm in a band. Tiny? Gun. Gun. I'll let you hear it. Okay. Give me a second. All right?
That's all you did? It was Halloween, and I was doing a show, a punk rock show. I'm in a band. I'm in a band. Tiny? Gun. Gun. I'll let you hear it. Okay. Give me a second. All right?
Oh, okay. That's the fellas. Pretty good, right? Yeah. When's your next gig? We're playing in Minneapolis next week. What venue? We're playing at this new venue called Green Room.
Oh, okay. That's the fellas. Pretty good, right? Yeah. When's your next gig? We're playing in Minneapolis next week. What venue? We're playing at this new venue called Green Room.
That one's actually free. Is it? Yeah, all you got to do is tweet out one nice comment about Minneapolis. You just say like, oh, look at this. There's so many lakes in the city.
That one's actually free. Is it? Yeah, all you got to do is tweet out one nice comment about Minneapolis. You just say like, oh, look at this. There's so many lakes in the city.
That's a nice place. Yeah, yeah. What were you doing there?
That's a nice place. Yeah, yeah. What were you doing there?
Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, we played it. Oh, look at this. One of the old trains. Yeah. We can take this. I want to get your take on some other takes that have been on the show. So, this note here says Michael Shannon. It has no other notes. It's blank. It's blank. So, you got 100% agree or 100% disagree? This is a yes or no. That's how the show works. Okay. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, we played it. Oh, look at this. One of the old trains. Yeah. We can take this. I want to get your take on some other takes that have been on the show. So, this note here says Michael Shannon. It has no other notes. It's blank. It's blank. So, you got 100% agree or 100% disagree? This is a yes or no. That's how the show works. Okay. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
No. 100% disagree. That makes people happy, some people. Yeah, I think keep the Wi-Fi. I agree. Yeah. But I do think that there is a nice... It's really nice to be on an airplane watching movies. That are, you know, there's only a certain number of movies available. Yeah. And you only have to pick from those.
No. 100% disagree. That makes people happy, some people. Yeah, I think keep the Wi-Fi. I agree. Yeah. But I do think that there is a nice... It's really nice to be on an airplane watching movies. That are, you know, there's only a certain number of movies available. Yeah. And you only have to pick from those.
Wow, that's incredible. Yeah. But you were an actor... on the screen before you were an actor on the stage, correct? No, stage first. Oh, stage first. Stage first. Stage and then big break. Yeah, yeah. Groundhog Day. Don't know if you guys have heard of it. Stage, then big break, then back to the stage.
Wow, that's incredible. Yeah. But you were an actor... on the screen before you were an actor on the stage, correct? No, stage first. Oh, stage first. Stage first. Stage and then big break. Yeah, yeah. Groundhog Day. Don't know if you guys have heard of it. Stage, then big break, then back to the stage.
Is that true?
Is that true?
No. No one cared. No, no. Alright, let's see your take on this other take. So somebody came on the show recently and they said that every straight guy should try butt stuff at least twice. No.
No. No one cared. No, no. Alright, let's see your take on this other take. So somebody came on the show recently and they said that every straight guy should try butt stuff at least twice. No.
I read the synopsis of Eric Leroux. Yes. And I also discovered that it's your directorial debut. It is, it is. Which seems like a real... a real decision to make. Because I'm sure you've had the opportunity to direct films before.
I read the synopsis of Eric Leroux. Yes. And I also discovered that it's your directorial debut. It is, it is. Which seems like a real... a real decision to make. Because I'm sure you've had the opportunity to direct films before.
You don't have to. I'm just following instructions. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want to. Yeah, it's a solid no. Look, I agreed on the episode mostly because I want people to like me. Yeah. I'm a people pleaser. Yeah. But personally, it's not for me. No. I've had things in and around. No, not in. I've had things around. I had a colonoscopy. We can talk about that.
You don't have to. I'm just following instructions. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want to. Yeah, it's a solid no. Look, I agreed on the episode mostly because I want people to like me. Yeah. I'm a people pleaser. Yeah. But personally, it's not for me. No. I've had things in and around. No, not in. I've had things around. I had a colonoscopy. We can talk about that.
You like the subway?
You like the subway?
I would love to because I actually just thought about how I'm 38 now. I just had a kid. Do it. Why do it? Do it. Why? You don't know what's going on up there. But it sounds scary. For your kid. I know. I just had the kid, and now that I had the kid, I'm really worried about, like, that kind of thing. Yeah. Like, I need to get the cold. I mean, you seem healthy, though. I think I look all right.
I would love to because I actually just thought about how I'm 38 now. I just had a kid. Do it. Why do it? Do it. Why? You don't know what's going on up there. But it sounds scary. For your kid. I know. I just had the kid, and now that I had the kid, I'm really worried about, like, that kind of thing. Yeah. Like, I need to get the cold. I mean, you seem healthy, though. I think I look all right.
Yeah. I feel all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I probably drink a little too much.
Yeah. I feel all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I probably drink a little too much.
No, not like that. That's what they want us to do. They want us to drink? Yeah. Do you drink? I used to. You quit. I stopped. Good. That's what I'll do. Following my footsteps. I want to be like Mike. Yeah. Rock stars without tattoos always make better music. No. I'm just going to keep going on. Michael Stipe has a tattoo.
No, not like that. That's what they want us to do. They want us to drink? Yeah. Do you drink? I used to. You quit. I stopped. Good. That's what I'll do. Following my footsteps. I want to be like Mike. Yeah. Rock stars without tattoos always make better music. No. I'm just going to keep going on. Michael Stipe has a tattoo.
He's got a tattoo. You know who doesn't? Who? Paul McCartney.
He's got a tattoo. You know who doesn't? Who? Paul McCartney.
David Bowie. No tattoo. Yeah, yeah. No tattoo.
David Bowie. No tattoo. Yeah, yeah. No tattoo.
You got them. Are they cool or are they uncool?
You got them. Are they cool or are they uncool?
Get a funny tattoo? I have my name spelled incorrectly on my thigh. And I got that because I think it's funny. Well, that's cool. I also have a worm, like a hobo worm.
Get a funny tattoo? I have my name spelled incorrectly on my thigh. And I got that because I think it's funny. Well, that's cool. I also have a worm, like a hobo worm.
with like a little stick in a bag oh that's cute yeah yeah i like that yeah i think it's i think it's funny i look down when i'm when i'm pooping because the the incorrect name and the homeless worm are both here yeah and sometimes i give a little your heart swells with pride i have a little chuckle yeah yeah no no do you have any do you have a four-leaf clover what the fuck
with like a little stick in a bag oh that's cute yeah yeah i like that yeah i think it's i think it's funny i look down when i'm when i'm pooping because the the incorrect name and the homeless worm are both here yeah and sometimes i give a little your heart swells with pride i have a little chuckle yeah yeah no no do you have any do you have a four-leaf clover what the fuck
I mean, he's dang Irish. Oh, heck yeah.
I mean, he's dang Irish. Oh, heck yeah.
I literally did guess that. I promise you that I did not do any research. You've been looking at naked pictures of me online? As you can probably tell by this interview, I didn't do any research. Well, it was blank. It just said Michael Shannon on a black page. But I knew you had a four-leaf clover. How? Because you're Irish. There's tons of pictures online where you can see it.
I literally did guess that. I promise you that I did not do any research. You've been looking at naked pictures of me online? As you can probably tell by this interview, I didn't do any research. Well, it was blank. It just said Michael Shannon on a black page. But I knew you had a four-leaf clover. How? Because you're Irish. There's tons of pictures online where you can see it.
Brother, all Irish people have a tattoo of a four-leaf clover. True. If they have a tattoo. Yeah. I'm very proud to be Irish. You know, the Irish, I feel like, are having a real resurgence in popularity. Yeah.
Brother, all Irish people have a tattoo of a four-leaf clover. True. If they have a tattoo. Yeah. I'm very proud to be Irish. You know, the Irish, I feel like, are having a real resurgence in popularity. Yeah.
From Paul Mescal to just the vibe that Ireland brings to the global stage at the moment when it comes to human rights and such. Yeah, they're civilized. They're good civilized people. I love the Irish. I tried to get my friends to go on a bachelor party to Ireland. And they said, no, we're going to Denver.
From Paul Mescal to just the vibe that Ireland brings to the global stage at the moment when it comes to human rights and such. Yeah, they're civilized. They're good civilized people. I love the Irish. I tried to get my friends to go on a bachelor party to Ireland. And they said, no, we're going to Denver.
So your subway takes is that people should take the subway?
So your subway takes is that people should take the subway?
Yeah, I was thinking we could go do a road trip. Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking we could go do a road trip. Yeah.
It's not poo-pooing, it's just, would you rather go to Ireland or Denver? I would rather go to Ireland. Ireland, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have a couple more. Okay. Are you having fun? Yeah. I like your shirt.
It's not poo-pooing, it's just, would you rather go to Ireland or Denver? I would rather go to Ireland. Ireland, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have a couple more. Okay. Are you having fun? Yeah. I like your shirt.
You did this?
You did this?
Oh, that's cool. If you pay rent, you should own a little bit of that property. No. Oh, man.
Oh, that's cool. If you pay rent, you should own a little bit of that property. No. Oh, man.
I think you kind of look like a curmudgeon, but every once in a while that little smile comes out. You have to work for it. I know. I got it a couple times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not now, no. I think I see it popping out. No? Like a little ray of sunshine. Like a little ray of sunshine. Do you have any advice for a young father of a daughter? That's me. She's only 13 months.
I think you kind of look like a curmudgeon, but every once in a while that little smile comes out. You have to work for it. I know. I got it a couple times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not now, no. I think I see it popping out. No? Like a little ray of sunshine. Like a little ray of sunshine. Do you have any advice for a young father of a daughter? That's me. She's only 13 months.
But I'm still asking for advice in case, you know.
But I'm still asking for advice in case, you know.
Directing, it seems stressful.
Directing, it seems stressful.
Yeah, yeah. So you'd much rather prefer to show up and do the job?
Yeah, yeah. So you'd much rather prefer to show up and do the job?
And what drew you to this story in particular? I saw, yeah, you mentioned just about a school shooter, and it's really about his parents coping with, what did we do? Is this our fault? Right, right. And so that kind of... That's tension. I mean, that's a big tension.
And what drew you to this story in particular? I saw, yeah, you mentioned just about a school shooter, and it's really about his parents coping with, what did we do? Is this our fault? Right, right. And so that kind of... That's tension. I mean, that's a big tension.
Did coming from an acting perspective make directing a film that you're not in more difficult or easier?
Did coming from an acting perspective make directing a film that you're not in more difficult or easier?
You think you'll do it again?
You think you'll do it again?
I'll write something for you.
I'll write something for you.
Okay. It's a buddy comedy.
Okay. It's a buddy comedy.
Yeah, it's about this guy named Kareem. Okay. And his pal, Michael. Oh, okay. And what they're doing is they are on a mission. Mission? To open... A new New York City souvenir shop.
Yeah, it's about this guy named Kareem. Okay. And his pal, Michael. Oh, okay. And what they're doing is they are on a mission. Mission? To open... A new New York City souvenir shop.
I know. And that's why it's so crazy and zany.
I know. And that's why it's so crazy and zany.
Because everyone's like, you can't open a New York souvenir shop. The city's filled with them.
Because everyone's like, you can't open a New York souvenir shop. The city's filled with them.
And they're like, no, no, you don't get it. We have a vision. Right. It's going to have a coffee shop in it. Right. And it's also going to sell vinyls.
And they're like, no, no, you don't get it. We have a vision. Right. It's going to have a coffee shop in it. Right. And it's also going to sell vinyls.
But you take the subway often.
But you take the subway often.
Yeah, it's about two guys that want to open an indie target. It's an indie target. I do think a buddy comedy could be nice, though. I would like to see me and you in a buddy comedy.
Yeah, it's about two guys that want to open an indie target. It's an indie target. I do think a buddy comedy could be nice, though. I would like to see me and you in a buddy comedy.
I actually have a really good pitch. Where we're crying the whole time. I have a great pitch. Yeah. I've been thinking about this movie.
I actually have a really good pitch. Where we're crying the whole time. I have a great pitch. Yeah. I've been thinking about this movie.
No, no. I've been thinking about this movie a lot. Okay. I'm serious. Okay. So it's me and it's you. Alright. We're roommates. And we've been roommates for 20 years. Like, we're good friends. Best friends.
No, no. I've been thinking about this movie a lot. Okay. I'm serious. Okay. So it's me and it's you. Alright. We're roommates. And we've been roommates for 20 years. Like, we're good friends. Best friends.
After 20 years? Platonic heterosexual life partner. Okay. But... Like an odd couple. Then I get a girlfriend.
After 20 years? Platonic heterosexual life partner. Okay. But... Like an odd couple. Then I get a girlfriend.
And I got to go, Michael, I'm moving out. And you are so sad. It's like marriage story. I'm already upset. Yeah, exactly. You're just pitching it. And you do everything in your power to keep me there. And I'm like, dude, it's not your fault, Michael. I'm growing up. I'm in love. I want to move in with my girlfriend.
And I got to go, Michael, I'm moving out. And you are so sad. It's like marriage story. I'm already upset. Yeah, exactly. You're just pitching it. And you do everything in your power to keep me there. And I'm like, dude, it's not your fault, Michael. I'm growing up. I'm in love. I want to move in with my girlfriend.
No, no. It's more like marriage story. Oh, okay. It's more like you're like, is it my fault? Can I do something? Did I do something different? And I'm like, no, it's over. Right. It doesn't have to be over just because you met somebody. But the roommate ship is over. Me and you being roommates, we're done. Can't she just move in with us?
No, no. It's more like marriage story. Oh, okay. It's more like you're like, is it my fault? Can I do something? Did I do something different? And I'm like, no, it's over. Right. It doesn't have to be over just because you met somebody. But the roommate ship is over. Me and you being roommates, we're done. Can't she just move in with us?
It's really ridiculous. There's a lot of cars. What does it take for you to take a car?
It's really ridiculous. There's a lot of cars. What does it take for you to take a car?
Of course she can move in with us, but that's a different movie. That's not the drama.
Of course she can move in with us, but that's a different movie. That's not the drama.
But that's more fun. I want to do a male best friend breakup movie. That's what I'm thinking about. Because nobody's really exploring the male friendship beyond buddy comedy. It's like you've got great films like Superbad and almost every movie with two guys is a buddy comedy.
But that's more fun. I want to do a male best friend breakup movie. That's what I'm thinking about. Because nobody's really exploring the male friendship beyond buddy comedy. It's like you've got great films like Superbad and almost every movie with two guys is a buddy comedy.
Yeah, the buddy drama.
Yeah, the buddy drama.
I think you're 50-ish. Yeah, 50 on the nose. Directed your first movie at 50. Yeah. Kind of a renaissance, man. You've got a band that you play in. Yeah. I believe there are two bands. There's the R.E.M. band. There's a bunch of bands. Yeah, the R.E.M. band. That's the one I've been doing mostly lately, the R.E.M. band. And I'm assuming... That you love R.E.F.
I think you're 50-ish. Yeah, 50 on the nose. Directed your first movie at 50. Yeah. Kind of a renaissance, man. You've got a band that you play in. Yeah. I believe there are two bands. There's the R.E.M. band. There's a bunch of bands. Yeah, the R.E.M. band. That's the one I've been doing mostly lately, the R.E.M. band. And I'm assuming... That you love R.E.F.
Now, when you started that project, did you hit stipe on text and say, I'm starting an R.E.M. cover band, or you just did it and surprised them?
Now, when you started that project, did you hit stipe on text and say, I'm starting an R.E.M. cover band, or you just did it and surprised them?
How do you decide what to pick up and what to put down? Because I suffer from the same disease, I suppose, which is that I like to do a lot of different things. And sometimes they don't connect. So I have a band. It's called Tiny Gun. We make rock and roll. I act. I'm in a movie. I directed it. Or no, I didn't direct it. I wrote it, produced it, and starred in it. Then I have shows like this.
How do you decide what to pick up and what to put down? Because I suffer from the same disease, I suppose, which is that I like to do a lot of different things. And sometimes they don't connect. So I have a band. It's called Tiny Gun. We make rock and roll. I act. I'm in a movie. I directed it. Or no, I didn't direct it. I wrote it, produced it, and starred in it. Then I have shows like this.
I'm kind of just doing whatever I feel like doing. That's the way to do it, man. I mean...
I'm kind of just doing whatever I feel like doing. That's the way to do it, man. I mean...
But not in the way that you sometimes now see people on the internet being like... I wake up at 5 a.m., I journal in my diary, then I dunk my face in a bucket of ice, and then I take a cold shower. Right. And then I do that. Like, you're not saying you've got to optimize.
But not in the way that you sometimes now see people on the internet being like... I wake up at 5 a.m., I journal in my diary, then I dunk my face in a bucket of ice, and then I take a cold shower. Right. And then I do that. Like, you're not saying you've got to optimize.
You have a Chicago accent? Well, you didn't really grow up in Chicago?
You have a Chicago accent? Well, you didn't really grow up in Chicago?
I know, but is it fake?
I know, but is it fake?
But is the accent fake? That's the only thing I care about. I don't even know how to answer that question. Answer it honestly. Is the Chicago accent fake? Are you doing it because you're like... Because I'm on your program?
But is the accent fake? That's the only thing I care about. I don't even know how to answer that question. Answer it honestly. Is the Chicago accent fake? Are you doing it because you're like... Because I'm on your program?
I mean, I do know that, but only when you're acting. I want to know the real Michael Shannon. Too bad. You speak in Jamaican patois most of the time? Yeah, most of the time.
I mean, I do know that, but only when you're acting. I want to know the real Michael Shannon. Too bad. You speak in Jamaican patois most of the time? Yeah, most of the time.
Yeah. We have to get off here. That's funny. This used to be my stop. This is my stop, actually. Oh, it is? Literally. Oh, okay. I live here now.
Yeah. We have to get off here. That's funny. This used to be my stop. This is my stop, actually. Oh, it is? Literally. Oh, okay. I live here now.
Yeah. Windsor Terrace? Exactly.
Yeah. Windsor Terrace? Exactly.
Little known neighborhood. I like it. It's a great neighborhood. The Chicago accent, though. Yeah. I'm not going to let it go. Okay. People... I'm from Minneapolis. Oh, I've been there. I've been there, too. Whoa. Whoa. Service train. Yeah. So I'm from Minneapolis, and what I've found is that when I tell people that I'm from the Midwest, they like me more, honestly. They do?
Little known neighborhood. I like it. It's a great neighborhood. The Chicago accent, though. Yeah. I'm not going to let it go. Okay. People... I'm from Minneapolis. Oh, I've been there. I've been there, too. Whoa. Whoa. Service train. Yeah. So I'm from Minneapolis, and what I've found is that when I tell people that I'm from the Midwest, they like me more, honestly. They do?
They do like me more, yeah. It's like an endearing quality.
They do like me more, yeah. It's like an endearing quality.
Being from the Midwest. People love you more, I think. They're like, oh, look, Midwestern guy. You don't agree with that?
Being from the Midwest. People love you more, I think. They're like, oh, look, Midwestern guy. You don't agree with that?
That's not true. It is. It's not true. I think that's one of the reasons you're so beloved. You think so? I think it might be. I don't think it's your acting chops. Yeah, no, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be that. I think that in terms of acting, you could use a little bit of... Help? Appreciation. Oh, yeah. Well... I feel like you're underrated, personally.
That's not true. It is. It's not true. I think that's one of the reasons you're so beloved. You think so? I think it might be. I don't think it's your acting chops. Yeah, no, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be that. I think that in terms of acting, you could use a little bit of... Help? Appreciation. Oh, yeah. Well... I feel like you're underrated, personally.
what do they do to you they pitch me takes oh do they all the time all day long i can't even go on the subway i actually have to take a city bike and wear a disguise oh wow i'm sorry about that you know i got this movie coming out i made eric will rule which is kind of about it's about the parents of a school shooter and
what do they do to you they pitch me takes oh do they all the time all day long i can't even go on the subway i actually have to take a city bike and wear a disguise oh wow i'm sorry about that you know i got this movie coming out i made eric will rule which is kind of about it's about the parents of a school shooter and
I bet you don't want to talk about this right now. Really? I think you're underrated. I think you're very underrated. I really do. I don't know if this is an uncomfortable subject for you.
I bet you don't want to talk about this right now. Really? I think you're underrated. I think you're very underrated. I really do. I don't know if this is an uncomfortable subject for you.
I know, but I think we need... I want to generate more excitement around Michael Shannon.
I know, but I think we need... I want to generate more excitement around Michael Shannon.
No, you don't need to be there. Okay. You don't need to be there, but I think we need to call your agents and say, like... Or my publicist. Jesus. Is that... Great. So we need to tell her. To amp it up? No, we want to make Michael Shannon a star. A star. Not a famous actor or a great actor or one of the greats. We want to make him a star.
No, you don't need to be there. Okay. You don't need to be there, but I think we need to call your agents and say, like... Or my publicist. Jesus. Is that... Great. So we need to tell her. To amp it up? No, we want to make Michael Shannon a star. A star. Not a famous actor or a great actor or one of the greats. We want to make him a star.
This is my fucking point, okay? I'm sorry. I'm just going to... This is my fucking point. Michael Shannon doesn't have a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of... What is this? It makes no sense. Well, you know, they cost money. I don't care.
This is my fucking point, okay? I'm sorry. I'm just going to... This is my fucking point. Michael Shannon doesn't have a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of... What is this? It makes no sense. Well, you know, they cost money. I don't care.
$75,000?
$75,000?
Can I pay for my own star? You could. Right now. Yeah, I think so. Oh, so it's not even a real thing?
Can I pay for my own star? You could. Right now. Yeah, I think so. Oh, so it's not even a real thing?
This is good information. I'm buying you a star. When this video comes up, I'm going to do a GoFundMe.
This is good information. I'm buying you a star. When this video comes up, I'm going to do a GoFundMe.
I'm going to do a GoFundMe. Get Michael Shannon. I actually might do this. Verbally, can I have your permission?
I'm going to do a GoFundMe. Get Michael Shannon. I actually might do this. Verbally, can I have your permission?
But if you keep thinking like that, you're never going to get a star. Yeah.
But if you keep thinking like that, you're never going to get a star. Yeah.
it's true you know what i mean like the money that money is going to a lot of things all the time yeah there's money constantly going to things and look i'm pro things i'm pro fundraising i'm pro i'm pro things i'm pro bettering the world world but sometimes i feel like you know you're keeping such a low profile you're such a humble guy like i want to go out of my technically you're a cause to me you're a cause like what if you spend all that money and you get the star and then somebody just like pees on it or something it's inevitable
it's true you know what i mean like the money that money is going to a lot of things all the time yeah there's money constantly going to things and look i'm pro things i'm pro fundraising i'm pro i'm pro things i'm pro bettering the world world but sometimes i feel like you know you're keeping such a low profile you're such a humble guy like i want to go out of my technically you're a cause to me you're a cause like what if you spend all that money and you get the star and then somebody just like pees on it or something it's inevitable
Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard, you know. Hollywood Bullshit-a-vard. Bullshit-a-vard, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like that? I do. You know, one of my favorite things that you've ever done that I've seen in my life, I'm not going to mention a film right now, I'm actually going to mention a photograph.
Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard, you know. Hollywood Bullshit-a-vard. Bullshit-a-vard, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like that? I do. You know, one of my favorite things that you've ever done that I've seen in my life, I'm not going to mention a film right now, I'm actually going to mention a photograph.
You were sitting at the bar in Chicago.
You were sitting at the bar in Chicago.
You were sitting at the Old Town Alehouse on the night of the Oscars when the film that you were in, Shape of Warner, was nominated for 13 Oscars. It won and won Best Picture. And you were in Chicago at the bar.
You were sitting at the Old Town Alehouse on the night of the Oscars when the film that you were in, Shape of Warner, was nominated for 13 Oscars. It won and won Best Picture. And you were in Chicago at the bar.
100%.
100%.
Wow.
Wow.
Jeez.
Jeez.
Let's just do that.
Let's just do that.
No, the painter.
No, the painter.
We do have to agree.
We do have to agree.
You guys are driving me nuts.
You guys are driving me nuts.
Yeah, but you're the boss. You're the manager.
Yeah, but you're the boss. You're the manager.
I mean, I would like to know. Drop a comment if you like the boys episodes. Boys only.
I mean, I would like to know. Drop a comment if you like the boys episodes. Boys only.
Well, as a social media expert and online internet entrepreneur, they can actually comment on Spotify now.
Well, as a social media expert and online internet entrepreneur, they can actually comment on Spotify now.
Directly under the episode.
Directly under the episode.
Yeah. Okay. Oh, one thing we need to figure out is how to fucking set up a Google Voice thing.
Yeah. Okay. Oh, one thing we need to figure out is how to fucking set up a Google Voice thing.
Yeah, I want people to call in.
Yeah, I want people to call in.
But for some reason, I'm banned and you're also banned. Neither of us can set up Google Voice. I have a feeling it's because we both used it for nefarious reasons. Wait, now I do have it.
But for some reason, I'm banned and you're also banned. Neither of us can set up Google Voice. I have a feeling it's because we both used it for nefarious reasons. Wait, now I do have it.
no no i went to my i went to just voice.google.com and apparently i have one unread message one missed call and one new voicemail oh shit that's but i don't i don't know what my phone number is that's who are you giving this number out to you at one point then you must have been giving this number out to if you've got uh voicemails waiting for can you try calling me
no no i went to my i went to just voice.google.com and apparently i have one unread message one missed call and one new voicemail oh shit that's but i don't i don't know what my phone number is that's who are you giving this number out to you at one point then you must have been giving this number out to if you've got uh voicemails waiting for can you try calling me
How do I find my number? To call and text, get a Google Voice number. But what?
How do I find my number? To call and text, get a Google Voice number. But what?
Now, you had a vows, the illustrious vows announcement in the New York Times. Something of a flex. You think? I don't know. I feel like maybe when the paper was important... and not the digital version. It was like a real flex. Do you know what I mean? It was like, oh, you're in Vows. Maybe now it's less of a flex. I don't know. I'm not saying this is like an asshole. No, no, no.
Now, you had a vows, the illustrious vows announcement in the New York Times. Something of a flex. You think? I don't know. I feel like maybe when the paper was important... and not the digital version. It was like a real flex. Do you know what I mean? It was like, oh, you're in Vows. Maybe now it's less of a flex. I don't know. I'm not saying this is like an asshole. No, no, no.
I'm so confused, dude. This doesn't make any sense. It's saying that I'm able to receive calls, but I don't know what my phone number is. You want to try it?
I'm so confused, dude. This doesn't make any sense. It's saying that I'm able to receive calls, but I don't know what my phone number is. You want to try it?
Oh, my God. I don't know what's happening. I guess they're using my actual phone number in Google Voice.
Oh, my God. I don't know what's happening. I guess they're using my actual phone number in Google Voice.
I'm literally lost right now. Google's not a mess. Google's awesome.
I'm literally lost right now. Google's not a mess. Google's awesome.
I think that they would just submit their takes. Wow, I have a phone number now.
I think that they would just submit their takes. Wow, I have a phone number now.
I don't want to go through this.
I don't want to go through this.
Should I go back? Because last time I did this, I got kicked out. And now they're letting me have a number. Oh, they're like teasing you. I'm taking the number. I'm taking what they're giving me.
Should I go back? Because last time I did this, I got kicked out. And now they're letting me have a number. Oh, they're like teasing you. I'm taking the number. I'm taking what they're giving me.
It's fucking New Jersey, dude. They don't have any New York numbers left. But at least we have this now.
It's fucking New Jersey, dude. They don't have any New York numbers left. But at least we have this now.
That's rude. New Jersey's cool.
That's rude. New Jersey's cool.
You're so rude.
You're so rude.
Of course. We have all the time in the world. Wait, I have a phone number and I forgot to copy it and paste it. Oh, I have it. All right. People can call us. What's the number? All right, guys. What's up? My name is Kareem Rama, host of Subway. You know how I alternate between Rama and Rahma. So guys, you can call us. I just set up a Google voice.
Of course. We have all the time in the world. Wait, I have a phone number and I forgot to copy it and paste it. Oh, I have it. All right. People can call us. What's the number? All right, guys. What's up? My name is Kareem Rama, host of Subway. You know how I alternate between Rama and Rahma. So guys, you can call us. I just set up a Google voice.
You can call us and leave your take and we'll play it on the show. I think that's what we'll do. or leave comments and feedback and suggestions. The number is 347-746-5518. Again, that's 347-746-5518.
You can call us and leave your take and we'll play it on the show. I think that's what we'll do. or leave comments and feedback and suggestions. The number is 347-746-5518. Again, that's 347-746-5518.
What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Let me tell you all about it. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Just like me. Just kidding. I can't. I don't think I can say that. Anyways, I love Squarespace. I have been using it for quite some time now. And it's dang awesome.
What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Let me tell you all about it. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Just like me. Just kidding. I can't. I don't think I can say that. Anyways, I love Squarespace. I have been using it for quite some time now. And it's dang awesome.
Whether you're doing an online store and you have services or products for sale, Squarespace gives you everything you need to grow your business and get paid. Analytics makes it easier to make smart business decisions. And with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools, it's easy. And last but not least, the cutting edge design.
Whether you're doing an online store and you have services or products for sale, Squarespace gives you everything you need to grow your business and get paid. Analytics makes it easier to make smart business decisions. And with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools, it's easy. And last but not least, the cutting edge design.
With Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. So head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wait, so why do you want to talk about Garden State?
With Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. So head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wait, so why do you want to talk about Garden State?
No, dude. It was totally a moment in time. I look back on that movie as a moment in time. Right. And sometimes when I'm in the doldrums, I think about that movie.
No, dude. It was totally a moment in time. I look back on that movie as a moment in time. Right. And sometimes when I'm in the doldrums, I think about that movie.
No, I feel like the guy. I feel like Zach Braff in that film.
No, I feel like the guy. I feel like Zach Braff in that film.
Yeah, and his mom died and he has to see all his old freak friends.
Yeah, and his mom died and he has to see all his old freak friends.
I mean, when I went to Minneapolis during the pandemic and the George Floyd cultural revolution, race revolution, civil rights movement, slash my brother was in the hospital almost dead, and I was getting a divorce all at the same time, I felt like him. I was back home for three months, first time in a long time. Everyone's dying, upheaval everywhere.
I mean, when I went to Minneapolis during the pandemic and the George Floyd cultural revolution, race revolution, civil rights movement, slash my brother was in the hospital almost dead, and I was getting a divorce all at the same time, I felt like him. I was back home for three months, first time in a long time. Everyone's dying, upheaval everywhere.
I wasn't a failure, but I was certainly not a success. And I remember that I felt like that movie.
I wasn't a failure, but I was certainly not a success. And I remember that I felt like that movie.
But I do... I do wonder how they choose like who goes because one week it's you and Malou and another week it's like this Texas couple who met at a ranch and is now getting married in like the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
But I do... I do wonder how they choose like who goes because one week it's you and Malou and another week it's like this Texas couple who met at a ranch and is now getting married in like the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
But no, that's when I moved back. That's when I moved back to New York.
But no, that's when I moved back. That's when I moved back to New York.
No, that was in Bed-Stuy.
No, that was in Bed-Stuy.
In Minneapolis, I was exclusively drinking alcohol. I lost a lot of weight. I looked awesome.
In Minneapolis, I was exclusively drinking alcohol. I lost a lot of weight. I looked awesome.
I mean, the all-drinking diet will get you slim.
I mean, the all-drinking diet will get you slim.
Speaking of diets, I've lost five pounds.
Speaking of diets, I've lost five pounds.
Yeah. All natural, too.
Yeah. All natural, too.
Every morning.
Every morning.
Every morning. I mean, I'm serious about it this time. I'm actually trying to get healthy. I wouldn't call it fit. Okay. That's going a little too far, but I'm trying to get healthy.
Every morning. I mean, I'm serious about it this time. I'm actually trying to get healthy. I wouldn't call it fit. Okay. That's going a little too far, but I'm trying to get healthy.
Yeah, it was definitely vanity. I definitely have a fat belly. The fattest belly I've ever had, which I don't like. And the clothes are just not fitting nicely. I also think when I hold my baby, I look huge.
Yeah, it was definitely vanity. I definitely have a fat belly. The fattest belly I've ever had, which I don't like. And the clothes are just not fitting nicely. I also think when I hold my baby, I look huge.
I know, but it really looks weird. Like, it looks like I'm a little too large, I think. I'm trying to pull up this photo from the bar. Look at this photo. Like, I'm a little too large, I'd say, compared to the baby.
I know, but it really looks weird. Like, it looks like I'm a little too large, I think. I'm trying to pull up this photo from the bar. Look at this photo. Like, I'm a little too large, I'd say, compared to the baby.
No, no, I'm pulling it up right now.
No, no, I'm pulling it up right now.
I mean, I am sitting in a weird position, but look how little the baby is.
I mean, I am sitting in a weird position, but look how little the baby is.
yeah for sure and I know we talked about this before how you really like your arms I would say your arms are big but not so much definition maybe no not right now but they used to have definition I don't know I'm doing it by phase I think if I lose some fat my definition will come back by design because I'm just I'm muscular like on my scale I have like one of those smart scales what's smart about it
yeah for sure and I know we talked about this before how you really like your arms I would say your arms are big but not so much definition maybe no not right now but they used to have definition I don't know I'm doing it by phase I think if I lose some fat my definition will come back by design because I'm just I'm muscular like on my scale I have like one of those smart scales what's smart about it
It tells me my BMI. It shoots some fucking electrodes through my body. I don't know. And then it also syncs with my phone.
It tells me my BMI. It shoots some fucking electrodes through my body. I don't know. And then it also syncs with my phone.
So the smart scale says that I have really good muscle mass. Strong muscle mass.
So the smart scale says that I have really good muscle mass. Strong muscle mass.
Yeah, yeah. BMI high.
Yeah, yeah. BMI high.
My BMI is 35%.
My BMI is 35%.
And I think a fit is like 20%, right? Yeah. Under. 20 and under.
And I think a fit is like 20%, right? Yeah. Under. 20 and under.
I don't even want that. I want to lose 10%. But my muscle mass is excellent.
I don't even want that. I want to lose 10%. But my muscle mass is excellent.
I heard I got many people sent photos to me.
I heard I got many people sent photos to me.
No, they give you a percentage too. They give you a percentage. So my BMI is 35% high. Yeah. And my body fat is 34% high. Yeah. And my muscle mass is 59.3% excellent. God, okay. Yeah.
No, they give you a percentage too. They give you a percentage. So my BMI is 35% high. Yeah. And my body fat is 34% high. Yeah. And my muscle mass is 59.3% excellent. God, okay. Yeah.
But I know how, what's the technology? I think they like shoot electricity through your body or something.
But I know how, what's the technology? I think they like shoot electricity through your body or something.
Like I think it goes up one leg and out the other and depending on how long it takes to travel, something like that.
Like I think it goes up one leg and out the other and depending on how long it takes to travel, something like that.
No, I'd thought about it. I'd thought about it before. I was like, this must be... I haven't Googled it yet, but I was like, maybe they shoot like an electrode. I mean, I don't know if that's the right word, but they shoot something up one leg and it comes down the other. And depending on how long it takes and how much fat it has to jump over.
No, I'd thought about it. I'd thought about it before. I was like, this must be... I haven't Googled it yet, but I was like, maybe they shoot like an electrode. I mean, I don't know if that's the right word, but they shoot something up one leg and it comes down the other. And depending on how long it takes and how much fat it has to jump over.
It's wading through piles of fat. No, because I don't even know if we talked about this before, but on...
It's wading through piles of fat. No, because I don't even know if we talked about this before, but on...
you know i gained like i was already a little chunky like when i met karina i was pretty fit i wasn't fit i was unhealthy but i was skinny yes you know i was still on i was still on the alcohol diet and then we met and obviously you gained the you know the relationship 10 i think that's normal usually yeah
you know i gained like i was already a little chunky like when i met karina i was pretty fit i wasn't fit i was unhealthy but i was skinny yes you know i was still on i was still on the alcohol diet and then we met and obviously you gained the you know the relationship 10 i think that's normal usually yeah
and then she got pregnant and i think stress and work a lot of work you know the road the road to a million was not simple and then the baby was born and i think i just continued fucking just not paying it i i had i have i've had a gluttonous three or four years which is a long time to be gluttonous
and then she got pregnant and i think stress and work a lot of work you know the road the road to a million was not simple and then the baby was born and i think i just continued fucking just not paying it i i had i have i've had a gluttonous three or four years which is a long time to be gluttonous
And then now I'm back on... I don't know about you, but I never used to think before I ate something. I'd just be like, I want a burger. I eat a burger. I want chicken tender for lunch. I eat chicken tender. There's never a thought of maybe I should choose the healthy option.
And then now I'm back on... I don't know about you, but I never used to think before I ate something. I'd just be like, I want a burger. I eat a burger. I want chicken tender for lunch. I eat chicken tender. There's never a thought of maybe I should choose the healthy option.
And now that is currently what my diet is. is that I make the healthy choice as much as I can, which is like 95% of the time I make the healthy choice. Even if I'm going to have popcorn, like me and Dale went to see Mission Impossible 11 or whatever the other day. 11 in the franchise. And usually I get popcorn and I smother it with the butter sauce. Oh.
And now that is currently what my diet is. is that I make the healthy choice as much as I can, which is like 95% of the time I make the healthy choice. Even if I'm going to have popcorn, like me and Dale went to see Mission Impossible 11 or whatever the other day. 11 in the franchise. And usually I get popcorn and I smother it with the butter sauce. Oh.
And this time I got popcorn with no butter sauce.
And this time I got popcorn with no butter sauce.
The raw dog popcorn is a fairly healthy snack with low calories. Right. But when you smother it in fucking that butter sauce, it literally goes from 400 calories to like 1,500 or 2,000.
The raw dog popcorn is a fairly healthy snack with low calories. Right. But when you smother it in fucking that butter sauce, it literally goes from 400 calories to like 1,500 or 2,000.
yeah yeah it's like a burrito yeah i mean i mean did you have less joy though i'm sure it was less joyful eating that not really i honestly like like it's like it's like if you're flying if you've never flown business class right you don't know what you're missing out on yeah but who hasn't flown business class A lot of people have business class. Your pretentiousness is showing.
yeah yeah it's like a burrito yeah i mean i mean did you have less joy though i'm sure it was less joyful eating that not really i honestly like like it's like it's like if you're flying if you've never flown business class right you don't know what you're missing out on yeah but who hasn't flown business class A lot of people have business class. Your pretentiousness is showing.
If the New York Times wedding column didn't give it away, let's read some excerpts. Let's read some excerpts. Here's a funny one. You guys assuming that your kids are going to be cool artists and want to get married under your fucking custom piece of wood that you guys built. Yeah. I mean, that's... I love that you call it a custom piece of wood. That's a little... That's a reach.
If the New York Times wedding column didn't give it away, let's read some excerpts. Let's read some excerpts. Here's a funny one. You guys assuming that your kids are going to be cool artists and want to get married under your fucking custom piece of wood that you guys built. Yeah. I mean, that's... I love that you call it a custom piece of wood. That's a little... That's a reach.
Yeah, that's a reach. The plan... Mr. Quo's close friend, Peter Vickray, a woodworker, made an eight-by-four-foot arched structure that the couple has repurposed as an entrance for their vegetable and flower garden, period. That's where the sentence should have ended.
Yeah, that's a reach. The plan... Mr. Quo's close friend, Peter Vickray, a woodworker, made an eight-by-four-foot arched structure that the couple has repurposed as an entrance for their vegetable and flower garden, period. That's where the sentence should have ended.
But it goes on to say, the plan... The plan is that it would become a family heirloom and that their children could have it in their gardens and get married in front of it one day. What makes you think that your children are going to want to get married under a custom piece of wood that you built? What?
But it goes on to say, the plan... The plan is that it would become a family heirloom and that their children could have it in their gardens and get married in front of it one day. What makes you think that your children are going to want to get married under a custom piece of wood that you built? What?
We'll have to read the fucking style section to find out.
We'll have to read the fucking style section to find out.
I think she did it.
I think she did it.
Just annotate it. The Three Wise Men is cool. I like that.
Just annotate it. The Three Wise Men is cool. I like that.
I'm glad they included a picture of the Three Wise Men. Who are those guys? They seem sick as fuck.
I'm glad they included a picture of the Three Wise Men. Who are those guys? They seem sick as fuck.
They're all wearing sunglasses. They're so sick.
They're all wearing sunglasses. They're so sick.
One thing that I thought was really funny about the article is that it mentioned the word creative or creativity or creatively about eight times.
One thing that I thought was really funny about the article is that it mentioned the word creative or creativity or creatively about eight times.
Do you feel like you can do that?
Do you feel like you can do that?
Like, could we be cool like that? I mean, I know I can. I'm already 38, but I identify as 27.
Like, could we be cool like that? I mean, I know I can. I'm already 38, but I identify as 27.
You got to spend time with young people and you got to do what you want to do.
You got to spend time with young people and you got to do what you want to do.
Yes. Punk.
Yes. Punk.
Punk attitude. You know, your Nike hats. Punk. What? Your Nike hat that you're wearing.
Punk attitude. You know, your Nike hats. Punk. What? Your Nike hat that you're wearing.
Is it Nike?
Is it Nike?
Golf is sick.
Golf is sick.
Golf is punk. I met DJ Khaled's manager at a dinner once and he was his manager for 15 years and he told me that DJ Khaled has made more money by just being on the golf course in the past two years than he has in like 10 years.
Golf is punk. I met DJ Khaled's manager at a dinner once and he was his manager for 15 years and he told me that DJ Khaled has made more money by just being on the golf course in the past two years than he has in like 10 years.
He's just on the fucking tea. What's it called? The tea off?
He's just on the fucking tea. What's it called? The tea off?
He's on the tea box with CEO of whatever, United Healthcare, RIP.
He's on the tea box with CEO of whatever, United Healthcare, RIP.
I know this because I control F'd it.
I know this because I control F'd it.
I would love to golf with you. I'm a natural.
I would love to golf with you. I'm a natural.
I'll come upstate.
I'll come upstate.
To my second residence.
To my second residence.
I don't know about that. I really don't think that that's true, but let's move beyond that. I'm going to a bachelor party tomorrow. Where are you going? I'm going to one of the coolest places in the world, especially to have a stag party. I'm going to Denver, Colorado.
I don't know about that. I really don't think that that's true, but let's move beyond that. I'm going to a bachelor party tomorrow. Where are you going? I'm going to one of the coolest places in the world, especially to have a stag party. I'm going to Denver, Colorado.
I was like literally why do they keep saying creative in this article when you guys met you were buzzing with creativity and then a month felt a similar surge of creativity during their first like it's just it's about creative people having a having a wedding and a baby.
I was like literally why do they keep saying creative in this article when you guys met you were buzzing with creativity and then a month felt a similar surge of creativity during their first like it's just it's about creative people having a having a wedding and a baby.
No, no, no, no. We have no connection to Denver. So it's my good friend who still lives in Minneapolis. But all like our group of friends includes Jerry, Blake, John, Lev. Okay. It's kind of that group of guys. Cool guys.
No, no, no, no. We have no connection to Denver. So it's my good friend who still lives in Minneapolis. But all like our group of friends includes Jerry, Blake, John, Lev. Okay. It's kind of that group of guys. Cool guys.
And he's the one that stayed behind. He's also cool. I think you met him at Subway Takes Live.
And he's the one that stayed behind. He's also cool. I think you met him at Subway Takes Live.
Yeah, it's in Denver. I've opted out of a couple. Well, here's the thing. It was like in the group chat. Lev actually did a great job. Lev put together a fucking Google form, like top locations, people voted, blah, blah, blah. Wow. And I was doing behind the scenes campaigning.
Yeah, it's in Denver. I've opted out of a couple. Well, here's the thing. It was like in the group chat. Lev actually did a great job. Lev put together a fucking Google form, like top locations, people voted, blah, blah, blah. Wow. And I was doing behind the scenes campaigning.
what the fuck is up subway takes gang it's your boy kareem rahma joined again by subway takes co-creator and producer andrew quo who is logging in from his home in upstate new york where he lives uh what's going on andrew
what the fuck is up subway takes gang it's your boy kareem rahma joined again by subway takes co-creator and producer andrew quo who is logging in from his home in upstate new york where he lives uh what's going on andrew
To get us to go to Ireland, to get us to go to Dublin. I thought that was cool because no one's ever been to Ireland, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So Ireland was in the lead.
To get us to go to Ireland, to get us to go to Dublin. I thought that was cool because no one's ever been to Ireland, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So Ireland was in the lead.
Followed by Lake Tahoe in a close second, which I was also like, look, it's different, but it's cool. We can have like a boat or something. Yeah, that's cool. And then for some reason, like Denver, like kind of pulled ahead a little bit. And then all of a sudden the rules were changed.
Followed by Lake Tahoe in a close second, which I was also like, look, it's different, but it's cool. We can have like a boat or something. Yeah, that's cool. And then for some reason, like Denver, like kind of pulled ahead a little bit. And then all of a sudden the rules were changed.
And all of a sudden the bachelor's vote counted as double.
And all of a sudden the bachelor's vote counted as double.
No, Eric is the best.
No, Eric is the best.
And then he's an accommodating person. So he was like, look, you guys are all dads and blah, blah, blah. And I'm trying to make it easy for everyone. I think Denver Central and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, who gives a fuck? And I was saying this in the group chat. I was saying this in the group chat. And I almost got kicked out.
And then he's an accommodating person. So he was like, look, you guys are all dads and blah, blah, blah. And I'm trying to make it easy for everyone. I think Denver Central and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, who gives a fuck? And I was saying this in the group chat. I was saying this in the group chat. And I almost got kicked out.
I did and I was like and I was doing great great funny emails. I was I was bombarding. I was pulling in Israel and I was hitting them from every angle. I hit him in the group chat. I hit him over email. There was a time where I was using chat GPT to make my emails even more snarky. Oh, like really being aggressive and tell until somebody was like hey, I think Rick is starting to feel bad.
I did and I was like and I was doing great great funny emails. I was I was bombarding. I was pulling in Israel and I was hitting them from every angle. I hit him in the group chat. I hit him over email. There was a time where I was using chat GPT to make my emails even more snarky. Oh, like really being aggressive and tell until somebody was like hey, I think Rick is starting to feel bad.
I will fuck Rick. So this is one of the... So it was decided on Denver. Forms complete. Oh, see, Lake Tahoe is currently leading the pack. Eric, any final adjustments to your preferences? Blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden...
I will fuck Rick. So this is one of the... So it was decided on Denver. Forms complete. Oh, see, Lake Tahoe is currently leading the pack. Eric, any final adjustments to your preferences? Blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden...
so it's denver blah blah blah and then i got upset and then i said oh wow denver is just so amazing how could we ever consider anywhere else i mean where else can we find such a perfect combination of insufferable fat frat bros depressing architecture and fat ugly women but hey Maybe Brainerd, Minnesota is actually the gem here.
so it's denver blah blah blah and then i got upset and then i said oh wow denver is just so amazing how could we ever consider anywhere else i mean where else can we find such a perfect combination of insufferable fat frat bros depressing architecture and fat ugly women but hey Maybe Brainerd, Minnesota is actually the gem here.
It's got all the same incredible features, uninspired buildings, a social scene that makes you want to claw your eyes out, and the added bonus that we've already been there. So we know exactly what kind of disappointment to expect. Honestly, why wouldn't we just go to Brainerd anyways? It's basically Denver's long-lost twin of mediocrity. I am pumped to spend time with you all.
It's got all the same incredible features, uninspired buildings, a social scene that makes you want to claw your eyes out, and the added bonus that we've already been there. So we know exactly what kind of disappointment to expect. Honestly, why wouldn't we just go to Brainerd anyways? It's basically Denver's long-lost twin of mediocrity. I am pumped to spend time with you all.
ChatGBT came in hot. That's sick. And then people started, and then that set off a new chain reaction of everyone using ChatGBT. Okay, let's just address the elephant in the room, or perhaps the frat bro in Denver. To be unequivocally clear, we are going to Lake Tahoe. The spreadsheet has spoken, and Tahoe is the destination. This is why I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Yeah, dude.
ChatGBT came in hot. That's sick. And then people started, and then that set off a new chain reaction of everyone using ChatGBT. Okay, let's just address the elephant in the room, or perhaps the frat bro in Denver. To be unequivocally clear, we are going to Lake Tahoe. The spreadsheet has spoken, and Tahoe is the destination. This is why I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Yeah, dude.
And then Rick chimed in again. Guys, per my text, what the fuck is going on right now? I still think Denver's the best option for the bachelor party for the reasons listed. We have a local man, which I said, who cares about the local man? Denver's not that hard to navigate it. Tahoe is nice, but we'll spend 65% of our time traveling to from.
And then Rick chimed in again. Guys, per my text, what the fuck is going on right now? I still think Denver's the best option for the bachelor party for the reasons listed. We have a local man, which I said, who cares about the local man? Denver's not that hard to navigate it. Tahoe is nice, but we'll spend 65% of our time traveling to from.
Anyways, it went off the rails and then I got kicked off and then I got reprimanded by two people.
Anyways, it went off the rails and then I got kicked off and then I got reprimanded by two people.
I was being too mean. Oh, wow. Why are your friends such pussies, dude? I called Rick and I said, hey, man, obviously I'll go wherever. I was just really trying to make a case for one last hurrah as you're the last bachelor in the group. Right.
I was being too mean. Oh, wow. Why are your friends such pussies, dude? I called Rick and I said, hey, man, obviously I'll go wherever. I was just really trying to make a case for one last hurrah as you're the last bachelor in the group. Right.
And so they're doing a bachelor party for the bachelor party when everyone knows that the bachelor party is for the party.
And so they're doing a bachelor party for the bachelor party when everyone knows that the bachelor party is for the party.
Like, we go where we want to go, not where The Bachelor wants to go. The Bachelor's along for the ride. Right. But you don't go, oh, he wants to go to Denver. Who gives a fuck? We want to go to Ireland.
Like, we go where we want to go, not where The Bachelor wants to go. The Bachelor's along for the ride. Right. But you don't go, oh, he wants to go to Denver. Who gives a fuck? We want to go to Ireland.
My whispering failed. My campaigning failed.
My whispering failed. My campaigning failed.
I mean, you've seen me pitch.
I mean, you've seen me pitch.
Well, here's the little bit of saving grace. It's actually in Colorado. What? Okay, what's your point? Like we won't be in Denver. Okay. We're going to like the mountain. Okay, got it. So a bunch of dudes hanging out in a cabin by yourselves. Yeah, I heard we're going to hike. I think there might be some whitewater rafting.
Well, here's the little bit of saving grace. It's actually in Colorado. What? Okay, what's your point? Like we won't be in Denver. Okay. We're going to like the mountain. Okay, got it. So a bunch of dudes hanging out in a cabin by yourselves. Yeah, I heard we're going to hike. I think there might be some whitewater rafting.
you know it'll be it'll be cool yeah um and what i did to make a gesture of goodwill so that everyone knows i am excited about the bachelor party and the bachelor party is tomorrow so you know no one will hear this episode until then as i i bought i made i made hats oh that's fun oh so you really so you really did fuck up big time that you actually have to like go out there and
you know it'll be it'll be cool yeah um and what i did to make a gesture of goodwill so that everyone knows i am excited about the bachelor party and the bachelor party is tomorrow so you know no one will hear this episode until then as i i bought i made i made hats oh that's fun oh so you really so you really did fuck up big time that you actually have to like go out there and
hand craft some bullshit wow i made i made hats they say i survived eric's denver bachelor party no it says i went to eric's denver bachelor party dot dot dot and i survived oh that's tight and it's like a really funny font okay it's like a it's like a funny like swirly font yeah and so i'm i'm excited about revealing those at the bachelor party oh that's good that's good because yeah because i because i do think you probably set a tone where everyone's really worried that
hand craft some bullshit wow i made i made hats they say i survived eric's denver bachelor party no it says i went to eric's denver bachelor party dot dot dot and i survived oh that's tight and it's like a really funny font okay it's like a it's like a funny like swirly font yeah and so i'm i'm excited about revealing those at the bachelor party oh that's good that's good because yeah because i because i do think you probably set a tone where everyone's really worried that
And now you're showing up. No, they don't care if I'm going to have a good time. They just think I'm an asshole.
And now you're showing up. No, they don't care if I'm going to have a good time. They just think I'm an asshole.
But I've known them. And I was explaining... Because people were like, you can't be so mean. And I was like, we are great friends. We are all... We are good friends.
But I've known them. And I was explaining... Because people were like, you can't be so mean. And I was like, we are great friends. We are all... We are good friends.
We are great friends. I was going to say best friends, but men shouldn't have best friends. I agree with that. And so we are great friends and you're allowed to bust balls.
We are great friends. I was going to say best friends, but men shouldn't have best friends. I agree with that. And so we are great friends and you're allowed to bust balls.
In fact, I think that's a sign of a healthy friendship.
In fact, I think that's a sign of a healthy friendship.
I hope he's not paying. I don't care. I mean, I'm in agreement that, you know, he shouldn't pay. Right. So I would assume he's not paying. We haven't discussed it, but I think that is the quiet understanding.
I hope he's not paying. I don't care. I mean, I'm in agreement that, you know, he shouldn't pay. Right. So I would assume he's not paying. We haven't discussed it, but I think that is the quiet understanding.
why don't you frame it well why would i frame it it's a nice it's a keepsake it is a keepsake i will let me ask you this have you framed all the stuff that you've been in uh in the press about i framed some stuff i i framed stuff uh i just started doing it because uh our good friend adam faze he he gifted me once our first keep the meter running new york post article and
why don't you frame it well why would i frame it it's a nice it's a keepsake it is a keepsake i will let me ask you this have you framed all the stuff that you've been in uh in the press about i framed some stuff i i framed stuff uh i just started doing it because uh our good friend adam faze he he gifted me once our first keep the meter running new york post article and
It doesn't need to be discussed, because they're good friends. Right, right, right, right, right. And this guy is, you know, he's flying everyone to Italy for his wedding, which is tight. But we're paying for the flights.
It doesn't need to be discussed, because they're good friends. Right, right, right, right, right. And this guy is, you know, he's flying everyone to Italy for his wedding, which is tight. But we're paying for the flights.
He's paying for everyone to be in Italy.
He's paying for everyone to be in Italy.
Those who can.
Those who can.
Those who can should. It's okay. They don't. I mean, it's expensive. It is expensive, but it's okay.
Those who can should. It's okay. They don't. I mean, it's expensive. It is expensive, but it's okay.
Yeah, he's a good guy. I mean, he's a great guy. It's just that he was trying to accommodate, which I feel like you shouldn't even bother.
Yeah, he's a good guy. I mean, he's a great guy. It's just that he was trying to accommodate, which I feel like you shouldn't even bother.
Like, are you sure?
Like, are you sure?
And no one even smokes weed. Like, it's not like people are like, oh, yeah, let's go get fucking stoned. Yeah.
And no one even smokes weed. Like, it's not like people are like, oh, yeah, let's go get fucking stoned. Yeah.
I'm fairly certain there's going to be a good amount of synthetic drugs available.
I'm fairly certain there's going to be a good amount of synthetic drugs available.
It means they don't come from plants. Oh, I see. Got it.
It means they don't come from plants. Oh, I see. Got it.
But I'm like, I don't want to lick Molly in a house full of four guys or seven guys in a mountain.
But I'm like, I don't want to lick Molly in a house full of four guys or seven guys in a mountain.
It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.
It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.
Last time we went to a bachelor, we had the same group that has done many bachelor parties. Mexico City was a blast. Montreal, good time. Yeah.
Last time we went to a bachelor, we had the same group that has done many bachelor parties. Mexico City was a blast. Montreal, good time. Yeah.
Because my life is a bachelor party player.
Because my life is a bachelor party player.
My life is literally a bachelor party. Right. You don't know about my trip in June. I'm going on this insane trip in June.
My life is literally a bachelor party. Right. You don't know about my trip in June. I'm going on this insane trip in June.
One week. Just fucking vibing.
One week. Just fucking vibing.
Yeah, my life is a bachelor party, Pam.
Yeah, my life is a bachelor party, Pam.
What are you going to do the rest of the day?
What are you going to do the rest of the day?
Well, the personal significance is that Karina and I had gone to Jamaica like two or three times.
Well, the personal significance is that Karina and I had gone to Jamaica like two or three times.
And the first time we ever talked about having a baby was when we were in Jamaica.
And the first time we ever talked about having a baby was when we were in Jamaica.
Exactly. And I think we were just like, I don't know. That's just what I put on. It wasn't a conversation. We didn't have a conversation. I just was like, oh shit, the baby's coming. I was like, what?
Exactly. And I think we were just like, I don't know. That's just what I put on. It wasn't a conversation. We didn't have a conversation. I just was like, oh shit, the baby's coming. I was like, what?
what music should i put on and that's what i did and then i fucking blasted off some bob marley and then our room became lit in the hospital and there was all these jamaican nurses everyone came in our room oh that's nice they were like oh this is sick and so people were just hanging out and people probably thought you might have been jamaican i'm like oh yeah yeah you're fair i just thought they thought it was sick because they were just like oh we don't really hear this much because you'd probably hear a lot of like whooshing sounds and little chimes oh okay oh you mean like oh vibe setting music
what music should i put on and that's what i did and then i fucking blasted off some bob marley and then our room became lit in the hospital and there was all these jamaican nurses everyone came in our room oh that's nice they were like oh this is sick and so people were just hanging out and people probably thought you might have been jamaican i'm like oh yeah yeah you're fair i just thought they thought it was sick because they were just like oh we don't really hear this much because you'd probably hear a lot of like whooshing sounds and little chimes oh okay oh you mean like oh vibe setting music
Yeah, people do the vibe setting music and they put on pregnancy playlists. But I was like, I'm going to put on fucking Bob Marley. Yeah, you're going to fucking party. But I forgot the song. I have to find which song it was.
Yeah, people do the vibe setting music and they put on pregnancy playlists. But I was like, I'm going to put on fucking Bob Marley. Yeah, you're going to fucking party. But I forgot the song. I have to find which song it was.
uh in a frame and then when i went to his house or his office i noticed that he frames a lot of stuff like he has his new york magazine he has his new york magazine thing framed okay uh a bunch of different stuff and i was like you know what that's actually like kind of cool
uh in a frame and then when i went to his house or his office i noticed that he frames a lot of stuff like he has his new york magazine he has his new york magazine thing framed okay uh a bunch of different stuff and i was like you know what that's actually like kind of cool
I mean, it was like the last moment. So it was like probably, you know, 30 minutes of Bob Marley.
I mean, it was like the last moment. So it was like probably, you know, 30 minutes of Bob Marley.
I did cut the cord. It was cool.
I did cut the cord. It was cool.
I was a little afraid to do it, but then I just did it because I'm a beast.
I was a little afraid to do it, but then I just did it because I'm a beast.
Are you going to get a moil?
Are you going to get a moil?
Yesterday, I called Karina a little moil.
Yesterday, I called Karina a little moil.
She said, what is that? And I was like, it's the guy that cuts people's foreskins when they're babies.
She said, what is that? And I was like, it's the guy that cuts people's foreskins when they're babies.
Well, I'm glad that you're not getting them cut because I'm pretty sure they messed up mine.
Well, I'm glad that you're not getting them cut because I'm pretty sure they messed up mine.
Keeping in mind, I was born in Egypt.
Keeping in mind, I was born in Egypt.
I think they used rusty scissors.
I think they used rusty scissors.
Well, I'll give you a description. I haven't inspected many people's penises. Okay. Like I've seen penises, but I haven't had them in or close to my face. Right. But I'm pretty sure when I look down at mine, I'm like, it's not a clean job.
Well, I'll give you a description. I haven't inspected many people's penises. Okay. Like I've seen penises, but I haven't had them in or close to my face. Right. But I'm pretty sure when I look down at mine, I'm like, it's not a clean job.
I feel like they did like an 80% circumcision. Oh, they left some. They left a little on top. Right. They left a little on top.
I feel like they did like an 80% circumcision. Oh, they left some. They left a little on top. Right. They left a little on top.
You know, we don't have Emmys and Oscars yet, but we do have these little kind of like, you know, it's a reminder that you have done something press-worthy, which is, if not as good as being recognized by some sort of academy and earning yourself a little trophy, you know, you make your own trophy.
You know, we don't have Emmys and Oscars yet, but we do have these little kind of like, you know, it's a reminder that you have done something press-worthy, which is, if not as good as being recognized by some sort of academy and earning yourself a little trophy, you know, you make your own trophy.
I'm trying to see my penis.
I'm trying to see my penis.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, you can't trust her.
Yeah, you can't trust her.
Well, assuming, assuming the kid's not going to use his Chinese name, like, does it even matter? You name it whatever the fuck you want.
Well, assuming, assuming the kid's not going to use his Chinese name, like, does it even matter? You name it whatever the fuck you want.
I like the Z dot, though.
I like the Z dot, though.
Yeah, but it's like, it's unique. It's also kind of like tech. Or like a robot, like a Z1000. Yeah, like futuristic.
Yeah, but it's like, it's unique. It's also kind of like tech. Or like a robot, like a Z1000. Yeah, like futuristic.
Well, his nickname could be ZDoc.
Well, his nickname could be ZDoc.
that's really a crazy move people are fucking weird so weird ku zero zero that's not tight um well i have to go to lunch oh yeah i'm going to the odeon for lunch yeah who picked that was it you or brenda brenda i like that that's a that's a i think that's a strong choice i know reservation too which i think is very cool yeah do you know what you're gonna get
that's really a crazy move people are fucking weird so weird ku zero zero that's not tight um well i have to go to lunch oh yeah i'm going to the odeon for lunch yeah who picked that was it you or brenda brenda i like that that's a that's a i think that's a strong choice i know reservation too which i think is very cool yeah do you know what you're gonna get
I'm on a diet, so I have to look at the menu.
I'm on a diet, so I have to look at the menu.
I don't know if I want to order a fucking $25 omelet. Not that I care about the money. It's good. It's goat cheese. I know. I went to Balthazar recently and I got that.
I don't know if I want to order a fucking $25 omelet. Not that I care about the money. It's good. It's goat cheese. I know. I went to Balthazar recently and I got that.
I think I would rather have a salad with chicken. Yeah, I guess. When me and Griffin Dunn went to lunch, we got the same order.
I think I would rather have a salad with chicken. Yeah, I guess. When me and Griffin Dunn went to lunch, we got the same order.
We went to Cafe Select. His choice.
We went to Cafe Select. His choice.
Better than going to lunch at fucking Sweetgreen like us millennials.
Better than going to lunch at fucking Sweetgreen like us millennials.
I mean, having this fucking article is self-congratulatory. So, dude, I don't know. I'm honestly shook by the fact that that would even be a thought. Yeah, yeah. Congratulations to us. We got married. Let's put it in the Times.
I mean, having this fucking article is self-congratulatory. So, dude, I don't know. I'm honestly shook by the fact that that would even be a thought. Yeah, yeah. Congratulations to us. We got married. Let's put it in the Times.
I don't love Sweetgreen.
I don't love Sweetgreen.
And I'm going to be hungry in 25 minutes. Yeah. Well, tell Brenda I said hi. I will. We should have her on the pod. She's funny. She's so funny, dude.
And I'm going to be hungry in 25 minutes. Yeah. Well, tell Brenda I said hi. I will. We should have her on the pod. She's funny. She's so funny, dude.
All right. I got to go piss and then I got to go to lunch.
All right. I got to go piss and then I got to go to lunch.
You shouldn't send it.
You shouldn't send it.
Well, here's what's up with me. Here's another question that might be a little personal. But had Malou not wanted a Vows feature, would you have done it?
Well, here's what's up with me. Here's another question that might be a little personal. But had Malou not wanted a Vows feature, would you have done it?
You said to me... Did I?
You said to me... Did I?
Yes, you did. I have text. You said, holy shit, I forgot to do the vows thing and Baloo really wanted it.
Yes, you did. I have text. You said, holy shit, I forgot to do the vows thing and Baloo really wanted it.
Do you want me to pull up the text? No, we don't need receipts.
Do you want me to pull up the text? No, we don't need receipts.
And I need to get this done. And you went for it and you got it done, which is one of the reasons I really like working with you. And I like you as a friend as you get things done, you know, 72 hours down to the wire. But so you wanted it.
And I need to get this done. And you went for it and you got it done, which is one of the reasons I really like working with you. And I like you as a friend as you get things done, you know, 72 hours down to the wire. But so you wanted it.
Then why did you want it? See, I want a lot of things in life. I don't want that at all.
Then why did you want it? See, I want a lot of things in life. I don't want that at all.
Yeah, I do that. But my thing is that in the press, I'm always talking about work.
Yeah, I do that. But my thing is that in the press, I'm always talking about work.
right like i don't i rarely reveal you know this podcast is probably the most personal version of me that people get on the internet you know i mean like i i don't i don't post incessantly on my stories i don't vlog i'm not like oh i'm in fucking paris or whatever like until i get back from paris and then i'm like i was in paris you know what i mean like
right like i don't i rarely reveal you know this podcast is probably the most personal version of me that people get on the internet you know i mean like i i don't i don't post incessantly on my stories i don't vlog i'm not like oh i'm in fucking paris or whatever like until i get back from paris and then i'm like i was in paris you know what i mean like
I'm not actively sharing my life, which is why I wanted to start this podcast. It feels like a good adult male version of oversharing is podcasting. But imagine if I was one of those guys. Imagine if I was an Instagram girl. Okay, go on. Oversharing on my stories and documenting my every move.
I'm not actively sharing my life, which is why I wanted to start this podcast. It feels like a good adult male version of oversharing is podcasting. But imagine if I was one of those guys. Imagine if I was an Instagram girl. Okay, go on. Oversharing on my stories and documenting my every move.
And then people like you more because they develop a relationship with you, even if it's a one-way relationship. But that is the way that celebrities become... That's why reality TV is so effective. It's because you feel like you know these people. And everyone knows that to generate a stronger, deeper connection with your audience or whatever, you have to put more of yourself out there.
And then people like you more because they develop a relationship with you, even if it's a one-way relationship. But that is the way that celebrities become... That's why reality TV is so effective. It's because you feel like you know these people. And everyone knows that to generate a stronger, deeper connection with your audience or whatever, you have to put more of yourself out there.
And I personally was not comfortable doing that on the social media. Right. So this podcast is the solution for that. And it's funny because I love attention.
And I personally was not comfortable doing that on the social media. Right. So this podcast is the solution for that. And it's funny because I love attention.
If I don't get a little crumb or morsel of attention every day, I develop a sense of depression.
If I don't get a little crumb or morsel of attention every day, I develop a sense of depression.
Maybe I'm also getting enough attention from my child.
Maybe I'm also getting enough attention from my child.
I'm a super fun dad. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I don't know. I think... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I'll have one of those.
I'm a super fun dad. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I don't know. I think... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I'll have one of those.
Are you kidding me? Dude, I was mentioned in yours. I would probably get a front page spread.
Are you kidding me? Dude, I was mentioned in yours. I would probably get a front page spread.
Well, I'm a simp for my wife. So literally, if she wants it, I'll do it. Yeah. I think she'll probably want it. It's a nice little token. I'm a proper simp.
Well, I'm a simp for my wife. So literally, if she wants it, I'll do it. Yeah. I think she'll probably want it. It's a nice little token. I'm a proper simp.
Someone who is bi-coastal, such as yourself, would have a hospital plan. for both homes.
Someone who is bi-coastal, such as yourself, would have a hospital plan. for both homes.
I'm a simp. I'm a romantic guy. As you know, I got my engagement ring even though we already have a baby and we're already planning a small shindig. And I was like, I still need to propose properly.
I'm a simp. I'm a romantic guy. As you know, I got my engagement ring even though we already have a baby and we're already planning a small shindig. And I was like, I still need to propose properly.
It's not the kind of work that I enjoy.
It's not the kind of work that I enjoy.
Yeah, it's very messy and it shouldn't be messy because there's literally 25 people coming.
Yeah, it's very messy and it shouldn't be messy because there's literally 25 people coming.
That's great. Well, now I've revealed on the pod that I'm having a small wedding in Egypt. Everyone's invited. Everyone's invited. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. Not everyone's invited. The New York Times is not invited. Although, I mean, the beef has been squashed. We had a longstanding beef.
That's great. Well, now I've revealed on the pod that I'm having a small wedding in Egypt. Everyone's invited. Everyone's invited. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. Not everyone's invited. The New York Times is not invited. Although, I mean, the beef has been squashed. We had a longstanding beef.
No, it wasn't. No, no, no. It was a real fight. It was between them and I. Yeah.
No, it wasn't. No, no, no. It was a real fight. It was between them and I. Yeah.
I believe that we came to a mediation.
I believe that we came to a mediation.
It was a little tit for a tat. Are you the tit or are you the tat? I was the tat.
It was a little tit for a tat. Are you the tit or are you the tat? I was the tat.
Exactly. So exactly my point. You should be able to be in Manhattan. The tub is the same.
Exactly. So exactly my point. You should be able to be in Manhattan. The tub is the same.
I was definitely the tat. Okay, that's good. Because they titted first.
I was definitely the tat. Okay, that's good. Because they titted first.
They titted first and I tatted back.
They titted first and I tatted back.
Snap back, clap back.
Snap back, clap back.
Do you think that's probably from Vows?
Do you think that's probably from Vows?
Wow, you didn't follow back?
Wow, you didn't follow back?
Let me tell you something, Dale. Dale, let me tell you something. As Andrew's good friend and close collaborator, I didn't get a follow back for about five months.
Let me tell you something, Dale. Dale, let me tell you something. As Andrew's good friend and close collaborator, I didn't get a follow back for about five months.
Yeah. Here's the etiquette. You have to follow your friends and the people that you interact with on a regular or semi-regular basis.
Yeah. Here's the etiquette. You have to follow your friends and the people that you interact with on a regular or semi-regular basis.
Oh, a business is going down. Instagram is the new website, the new LinkedIn, the new dating app.
Oh, a business is going down. Instagram is the new website, the new LinkedIn, the new dating app.
Shout out Instagram. That's where business happens. That's where you stand on business 10 toes down.
Shout out Instagram. That's where business happens. That's where you stand on business 10 toes down.
Although actually, Dale, I have a suggestion for you. What's that? I don't like your Instagram name.
Although actually, Dale, I have a suggestion for you. What's that? I don't like your Instagram name.
No, they're like, who is this? Because that's why Andrew didn't follow you back.
No, they're like, who is this? Because that's why Andrew didn't follow you back.
I think if you are a 38-year-old professional man or woman, you have to use your name.
I think if you are a 38-year-old professional man or woman, you have to use your name.
You should potentially get that fixed.
You should potentially get that fixed.
There are probably 10 billion Andrew Quo's.
There are probably 10 billion Andrew Quo's.
He does get all the shout-outs. Every single person thinks that Andrew Kuo does. They're like, oh, I didn't know that Andrew Kuo does podcasting.
He does get all the shout-outs. Every single person thinks that Andrew Kuo does. They're like, oh, I didn't know that Andrew Kuo does podcasting.
This is it right here.
This is it right here.
No.
No.
Yeah, you do it.
Yeah, you do it.
Cross the street?
Cross the street?
A baseball field?
A baseball field?
This is. My first love. Maybe your only love.
This is. My first love. Maybe your only love.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
100%.
100%.
I did.
I did.
So what's your take?
So what's your take?
Yo, tell me about the boots. This is very interesting. Look, because this is kind of a Tim vibe. Yeah. It's a Timberland vibe, but with the cowboy boots.
Yo, tell me about the boots. This is very interesting. Look, because this is kind of a Tim vibe. Yeah. It's a Timberland vibe, but with the cowboy boots.
So this is the new shit, you think?
So this is the new shit, you think?
I mean, it's fresh. Yeah. It's very interesting. Yeah. I'm an interesting cat. You are an interesting cat? Oh, speaking of cats, you just got a dog.
I mean, it's fresh. Yeah. It's very interesting. Yeah. I'm an interesting cat. You are an interesting cat? Oh, speaking of cats, you just got a dog.
He was not with you for three and a half years? Yeah, he wasn't with us. Was he locked up?
He was not with you for three and a half years? Yeah, he wasn't with us. Was he locked up?
Wait, I need to know this. So you had a dog three and a half years ago? Yeah. And you left him with a sitter?
Wait, I need to know this. So you had a dog three and a half years ago? Yeah. And you left him with a sitter?
And he ran away from the sitter?
And he ran away from the sitter?
Yeah. You couldn't even believe it, huh, when they called you?
Yeah. You couldn't even believe it, huh, when they called you?
I didn't know where my dog was at. What did that feel like? What did that feel like when they called you?
I didn't know where my dog was at. What did that feel like? What did that feel like when they called you?
Adventures with Crash is a great name.
Adventures with Crash is a great name.
Would you rather be able to speak all the human languages of the world, Arabic, Spanish, Italian, French, or would you rather be able to just talk to animals?
Would you rather be able to speak all the human languages of the world, Arabic, Spanish, Italian, French, or would you rather be able to just talk to animals?
So you'd speak English, but animals?
So you'd speak English, but animals?
Do you think that humans have lost their divine soul?
Do you think that humans have lost their divine soul?
What are you feeling lost about these days?
What are you feeling lost about these days?
Everybody's looking for a purpose.
Everybody's looking for a purpose.
He did it. That's magic. That's the reason why you get up so early.
He did it. That's magic. That's the reason why you get up so early.
Do the Right Thing.
Do the Right Thing.
We should reactivate it. We should. Who's in your favorite group chat right now?
We should reactivate it. We should. Who's in your favorite group chat right now?
And so that group chat is your favorite group chat? Yeah, it's my favorite group chat. Y'all be sending memes in there?
And so that group chat is your favorite group chat? Yeah, it's my favorite group chat. Y'all be sending memes in there?
Oh, dope. Toy being. Big life. Toy being. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Are you in the group chat? Oh, yeah. I'm in the group chat all day. Who's the best memer? Who sends the best memes? Who sends the fire? It's got to be Anthony. She throws the funny stuff in there. She does? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is going on there? Just ideas, creation, division. Oh, all right. That's what goes on in there.
Oh, dope. Toy being. Big life. Toy being. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Are you in the group chat? Oh, yeah. I'm in the group chat all day. Who's the best memer? Who sends the best memes? Who sends the fire? It's got to be Anthony. She throws the funny stuff in there. She does? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is going on there? Just ideas, creation, division. Oh, all right. That's what goes on in there.
And philosophy. That's why it's called sewerism. Sewerism. Yeah. Y'all believe in Ninja Turtles?
And philosophy. That's why it's called sewerism. Sewerism. Yeah. Y'all believe in Ninja Turtles?
Everything and nothing? Yeah. Like the pyramids of Egypt?
Everything and nothing? Yeah. Like the pyramids of Egypt?
I do not.
I do not.
I feel like you're like really, like you got your heads in the clouds. What that mean? Like you're really thinking about not this. You're not on this spiritual plane. You're in a different spiritual plane.
I feel like you're like really, like you got your heads in the clouds. What that mean? Like you're really thinking about not this. You're not on this spiritual plane. You're in a different spiritual plane.
You're on the soul plane.
You're on the soul plane.
That's Eddie Murphy.
That's Eddie Murphy.
You're a pescatarian?
You're a pescatarian?
You ever had a vegan glizzy?
You ever had a vegan glizzy?
Would you ever eat a glizzy in front of your friends? Yeah. You would? Some people say that that's haram.
Would you ever eat a glizzy in front of your friends? Yeah. You would? Some people say that that's haram.
I didn't know Jadakiss said that. Yeah. That's tight. Well, anything else you want to talk about? Let's talk about you. Okay. What do you want to know?
I didn't know Jadakiss said that. Yeah. That's tight. Well, anything else you want to talk about? Let's talk about you. Okay. What do you want to know?
I just had a baby. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. So I've been trying to be a better father. How's that going? It's pretty good.
I just had a baby. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. So I've been trying to be a better father. How's that going? It's pretty good.
Like, I don't really hang out. You used to hang out a lot? Not a lot, but I used to hang out a little bit.
Like, I don't really hang out. You used to hang out a lot? Not a lot, but I used to hang out a little bit.
What do you think happened? Why'd they make all the movies white?
What do you think happened? Why'd they make all the movies white?
We gotta save the animals. I make music too. I make rock and roll.
We gotta save the animals. I make music too. I make rock and roll.
You do rock and roll? Oh, hell yeah. Where's the A&Rs at? Because I make rock and roll. They're right here. You're the A&R? Yeah. Can I send you a link? Of course. To my SoundCloud? Yes. I make rock and roll for real for real. Let's do it. Me too. New York shit. Come on, New York. Underbelly. Wait, am I promoting my shit or are you promoting your shit?
You do rock and roll? Oh, hell yeah. Where's the A&Rs at? Because I make rock and roll. They're right here. You're the A&R? Yeah. Can I send you a link? Of course. To my SoundCloud? Yes. I make rock and roll for real for real. Let's do it. Me too. New York shit. Come on, New York. Underbelly. Wait, am I promoting my shit or are you promoting your shit?
No worries if not the EP, Kareem Rahman, Tiny Gun. Yo, you never promoted your shit on your show? Not yet. What's wrong with you?
No worries if not the EP, Kareem Rahman, Tiny Gun. Yo, you never promoted your shit on your show? Not yet. What's wrong with you?
Yeah, let's go down there.
Yeah, let's go down there.
What's the one where he plays the pigeon man? The ninja pigeon. Oh, Ghost Dog, I think. Yeah, Ghost Dog. That's fire. I got to watch that one. All right, bro. I got to go. My guy. Good to see you. Thanks a lot. I'll send you a link. Let's do it. All right. Thank you.
What's the one where he plays the pigeon man? The ninja pigeon. Oh, Ghost Dog, I think. Yeah, Ghost Dog. That's fire. I got to watch that one. All right, bro. I got to go. My guy. Good to see you. Thanks a lot. I'll send you a link. Let's do it. All right. Thank you.
Look at this.
Look at this.
I was like, I can't. I can't. I love. I can't. I can't judge him. You got to get the bag, baby.
I was like, I can't. I can't. I love. I can't. I can't judge him. You got to get the bag, baby.
That's true. Bald man representation has... I mean, people just don't really talk about it. Like, the fact that you are essentially a special breed, and it needs to be embraced. Like, we embrace... At this point, we embrace...
That's true. Bald man representation has... I mean, people just don't really talk about it. Like, the fact that you are essentially a special breed, and it needs to be embraced. Like, we embrace... At this point, we embrace...
Yeah, I agree with you. I think it's like going to the gym too much. It's like when you're buff, it's like, oh, we obviously know how you spend your time. I think if you are fit, that's good. If you look healthy and you take care of yourself, good. But if you're buff and you're like 40, I'm a little bit like, dude, I know how much time you're spending in that gym.
Yeah, I agree with you. I think it's like going to the gym too much. It's like when you're buff, it's like, oh, we obviously know how you spend your time. I think if you are fit, that's good. If you look healthy and you take care of yourself, good. But if you're buff and you're like 40, I'm a little bit like, dude, I know how much time you're spending in that gym.
You got a family to take care of, brother. You got to read a book sometimes, maybe make some content for God's sake, scroll on TikTok a little bit. Get out of the gym. Stop pumping.
You got a family to take care of, brother. You got to read a book sometimes, maybe make some content for God's sake, scroll on TikTok a little bit. Get out of the gym. Stop pumping.
They're prepping for the launch.
They're prepping for the launch.
Most of the time it is, unless they're awesome, which is rare. But if they are awesome, it's going to be an awesome time.
Most of the time it is, unless they're awesome, which is rare. But if they are awesome, it's going to be an awesome time.
So I want to talk about your take, which is one of the takes that I really, really, really agreed with. So what's your take? Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup. 100% agree.
So I want to talk about your take, which is one of the takes that I really, really, really agreed with. So what's your take? Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup. 100% agree.
Preach, brother.
Preach, brother.
100%, 200% agree. If I go to a place and the burger doesn't say burger and fries, you have to buy the burger for $8, actually $18. Ridiculous. Plus another $7 for fries, and then they bring out the artisanal ketchup. You're wrecking the experience.
100%, 200% agree. If I go to a place and the burger doesn't say burger and fries, you have to buy the burger for $8, actually $18. Ridiculous. Plus another $7 for fries, and then they bring out the artisanal ketchup. You're wrecking the experience.
And think about the poor person in the kitchen crushing tomatoes. Is that what ketchup's made of? I don't know.
And think about the poor person in the kitchen crushing tomatoes. Is that what ketchup's made of? I don't know.
I'm not with you on this one.
I'm not with you on this one.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Get off the show. And is one of the takes that is it's so good because it's so specific. But there's only like there are only some people that think about it. And there's a lot of there's a lot of us. Right. We've seen the comments, but not everyone thinks about. But everyone knows it. But no one's ever like put it into words like no one's ever. But, you know, I've put it into words.
Get off the show. And is one of the takes that is it's so good because it's so specific. But there's only like there are only some people that think about it. And there's a lot of there's a lot of us. Right. We've seen the comments, but not everyone thinks about. But everyone knows it. But no one's ever like put it into words like no one's ever. But, you know, I've put it into words.
You put it into words. but the the response was incredible because there were so many heinz heads that came out of the closet and were like down with artisanal ketchup we don't need it like protesting the streets or the comments and it was it was just a fantastic take well i appreciate that and i you know when we were talking about it at to see a like-minded person out there was something that
You put it into words. but the the response was incredible because there were so many heinz heads that came out of the closet and were like down with artisanal ketchup we don't need it like protesting the streets or the comments and it was it was just a fantastic take well i appreciate that and i you know when we were talking about it at to see a like-minded person out there was something that
Those are nice. Ooh.
Those are nice. Ooh.
This is what we live for. You know what I like on the mini bottle? You pop that seal and it goes. You feel it. It's such a great moment. And if you are at the Four Seasons or any nice hotel, the fries are always important part of the menu. Great fries. They deserve to be dipped in great, if not the greatest, ketchup in the world.
This is what we live for. You know what I like on the mini bottle? You pop that seal and it goes. You feel it. It's such a great moment. And if you are at the Four Seasons or any nice hotel, the fries are always important part of the menu. Great fries. They deserve to be dipped in great, if not the greatest, ketchup in the world.
I've done it.
I've done it.
Yeah, because I don't mind a gourmet burger. I mean, gourmet burgers are great. I love a gourmet burger. And the fries, usually, you know, great. And then nothing kills the vibe, ruins the mood, ruins the meal like a little fucking carafe of chunky, sloppy, non-vinegar, non-sugar tomato paste.
Yeah, because I don't mind a gourmet burger. I mean, gourmet burgers are great. I love a gourmet burger. And the fries, usually, you know, great. And then nothing kills the vibe, ruins the mood, ruins the meal like a little fucking carafe of chunky, sloppy, non-vinegar, non-sugar tomato paste.
It's a tricky thing to be a bald man. How does it feel to be arguably one of the funniest bald men? If not the funniest.
It's a tricky thing to be a bald man. How does it feel to be arguably one of the funniest bald men? If not the funniest.
Yeah. I mean, it is really funny. And then the thing that you lost me with. We talked about the fries. The fries and the burger come together. It's not $18 for the burger and an additional $6 for fries. That pisses me off. It should be illegal. It's price gouging. 100%. Putting tariffs on my damn burger. Yeah, don't do that to me. It's ridiculous.
Yeah. I mean, it is really funny. And then the thing that you lost me with. We talked about the fries. The fries and the burger come together. It's not $18 for the burger and an additional $6 for fries. That pisses me off. It should be illegal. It's price gouging. 100%. Putting tariffs on my damn burger. Yeah, don't do that to me. It's ridiculous.
We can make fries. Fries should be affordable. They should be included in the meal. Yeah. But you lost me. I know. On Miracle Whip. I mean, what even is that? Here's us talk about this, because...
We can make fries. Fries should be affordable. They should be included in the meal. Yeah. But you lost me. I know. On Miracle Whip. I mean, what even is that? Here's us talk about this, because...
I think it's just mayonnaise with a bad aftertaste. Okay. I don't know if it's relish. It's something disgusting, though. And here's the thing. There's something that makes it disgusting, and I don't know what it is.
I think it's just mayonnaise with a bad aftertaste. Okay. I don't know if it's relish. It's something disgusting, though. And here's the thing. There's something that makes it disgusting, and I don't know what it is.
I think top maybe five or three.
I think top maybe five or three.
No, no, there's not that many. I'm looking right now. So mayonnaise is made of oil, eggs, and vinegar or lemon juice. Miracle Whip has the same basic ingredients but with less oil and the addition of water, sugar, and spices like mustard, paprika, and garlic. So you were right. I was actually going to make fun of you for calling it spicy. That's a real white guy thing.
No, no, there's not that many. I'm looking right now. So mayonnaise is made of oil, eggs, and vinegar or lemon juice. Miracle Whip has the same basic ingredients but with less oil and the addition of water, sugar, and spices like mustard, paprika, and garlic. So you were right. I was actually going to make fun of you for calling it spicy. That's a real white guy thing.
Like, oh, give me a spicy water. Are you familiar with spicy water? I am, yes.
Like, oh, give me a spicy water. Are you familiar with spicy water? I am, yes.
And Larry David doesn't count.
And Larry David doesn't count.
No, that's fine. Little kids can say that. But if you are 45 years old and you go to a restaurant and say, give me the spicy water.
No, that's fine. Little kids can say that. But if you are 45 years old and you go to a restaurant and say, give me the spicy water.
Yeah, seltzer is just a very New York thing.
Yeah, seltzer is just a very New York thing.
In the Midwest, it's soda water.
In the Midwest, it's soda water.
Well, no, he kept, he kept, he's not bald. He's got the sides.
Well, no, he kept, he kept, he's not bald. He's got the sides.
I don't know what the difference is. What is club soda? Club soda has some salt in it, I believe.
I don't know what the difference is. What is club soda? Club soda has some salt in it, I believe.
Which I don't think is bald. That's like a new, that's a different class.
Which I don't think is bald. That's like a new, that's a different class.
I don't know what that is. I don't know. I have no idea what that is.
I don't know what that is. I don't know. I have no idea what that is.
Oh, wow. It's rough. Wait, those are not children's foods. Yeah. Do not give your children Clamatos.
Oh, wow. It's rough. Wait, those are not children's foods. Yeah. Do not give your children Clamatos.
Italians are the spiciest of the whites though.
Italians are the spiciest of the whites though.
Of the whites, for sure. I mean, Germans can't compare. Amsterdam, Amsterdamese. Yeah, you're right. I guess those are technically the Dutch. Who else is over there? Paris, France.
Of the whites, for sure. I mean, Germans can't compare. Amsterdam, Amsterdamese. Yeah, you're right. I guess those are technically the Dutch. Who else is over there? Paris, France.
Yeah. I don't know if they're white. They're, like, Mediterranean.
Yeah. I don't know if they're white. They're, like, Mediterranean.
But I guess Italians are kind of Mediterranean too. It's tricky. People have argued that Italians are black.
But I guess Italians are kind of Mediterranean too. It's tricky. People have argued that Italians are black.
We did a Subway Takes Live on stage discussing that somebody's take was that Italians became white after 9-11.
We did a Subway Takes Live on stage discussing that somebody's take was that Italians became white after 9-11.
Yeah, because that's when they got upgraded.
Yeah, because that's when they got upgraded.
I mean, at one point in time, everyone was – and I say this as not only a joke but also a truth. But when I say that they were black, it means that they were having the problems that black people in America have today and have had for a long time. And so when I say the Irish were black, I mean that they were looked down upon by – A hundred percent. Yeah.
I mean, at one point in time, everyone was – and I say this as not only a joke but also a truth. But when I say that they were black, it means that they were having the problems that black people in America have today and have had for a long time. And so when I say the Irish were black, I mean that they were looked down upon by – A hundred percent. Yeah.
But not as good guys. They were always villains. Mafia, right? Yeah, they were always a greasy fucking scumbag. I'm Arab, so I can say this, but they were the Arabs until 9-11. And then they go, we got new Arabs, baby. We got these guys that are actually Arab. We're going to villainize them. They're the bad guys now. And Italians were let off the hook.
But not as good guys. They were always villains. Mafia, right? Yeah, they were always a greasy fucking scumbag. I'm Arab, so I can say this, but they were the Arabs until 9-11. And then they go, we got new Arabs, baby. We got these guys that are actually Arab. We're going to villainize them. They're the bad guys now. And Italians were let off the hook.
And then it was guys like Stanley Tucci all of a sudden fucking eating pasta on CNN. And they go, great. He's fully in. He's an intellectual. Like, let's do this book, you know?
And then it was guys like Stanley Tucci all of a sudden fucking eating pasta on CNN. And they go, great. He's fully in. He's an intellectual. Like, let's do this book, you know?
yeah into like regular good hard working uh middle class people not peasants not not all right i see this i see this what was the reaction to the crowd in the in that take It was pretty rowdy. Do you know Catherine Narducci? Yeah, yeah. She was on the show essentially defending Italians. She did a great job. She just kept saying... What did she keep saying? She just kept saying, Why?
yeah into like regular good hard working uh middle class people not peasants not not all right i see this i see this what was the reaction to the crowd in the in that take It was pretty rowdy. Do you know Catherine Narducci? Yeah, yeah. She was on the show essentially defending Italians. She did a great job. She just kept saying... What did she keep saying? She just kept saying, Why?
Why are you doing this? Like to the guy. And it was just really funny. She kind of got it but didn't totally get it. And... was just kind of confused as to why we were even discussing it. Just on stage being like, what are you guys fucking talking about? Why is this a conversation? And I also think that was the reaction from many people in the crowd because we talked about it for 45 minutes.
Why are you doing this? Like to the guy. And it was just really funny. She kind of got it but didn't totally get it. And... was just kind of confused as to why we were even discussing it. Just on stage being like, what are you guys fucking talking about? Why is this a conversation? And I also think that was the reaction from many people in the crowd because we talked about it for 45 minutes.
What does a bag man do for a living?
What does a bag man do for a living?
They call it the VIG. Don't they call it the VIG?
They call it the VIG. Don't they call it the VIG?
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think the big, you don't have the money. If you don't have the money, it's going to be a problem.
I think the big, you don't have the money. If you don't have the money, it's going to be a problem.
That's amazing. That's really great. And then and then so so we can definitely like bald men can have a moment like all it needs is like New York magazine to write one article that's like bald men are like welcome to bald man summer.
That's amazing. That's really great. And then and then so so we can definitely like bald men can have a moment like all it needs is like New York magazine to write one article that's like bald men are like welcome to bald man summer.
You just accept it. That's a sick. I mean, that is a sick job to go around and collect the money. But if if if the bag man does not have to do any enforcing, then that's a job that I could do. You go you go there. You say, hey, Kathy, how you doing? Can I get you know, can I get my. Yes, I think. And then you call if you know, if they don't pay up and you call Sal. Yes. Like Freddie.
You just accept it. That's a sick. I mean, that is a sick job to go around and collect the money. But if if if the bag man does not have to do any enforcing, then that's a job that I could do. You go you go there. You say, hey, Kathy, how you doing? Can I get you know, can I get my. Yes, I think. And then you call if you know, if they don't pay up and you call Sal. Yes. Like Freddie.
Wow, that is a nice little life.
Wow, that is a nice little life.
That's a nice little life. I want to get to some of these comments. Sorry, sorry, yeah. No, no, this is exactly how the show goes. I thought this one was hilarious. Have you been to Jamaica? Because somebody commented, Jamaica has the best ketchup.
That's a nice little life. I want to get to some of these comments. Sorry, sorry, yeah. No, no, this is exactly how the show goes. I thought this one was hilarious. Have you been to Jamaica? Because somebody commented, Jamaica has the best ketchup.
That's all it takes. One headline. Bald man summer. This is the season of bald. And then every woman is like, I'm so fucking in. It is the bald season. Shave me, baby.
That's all it takes. One headline. Bald man summer. This is the season of bald. And then every woman is like, I'm so fucking in. It is the bald season. Shave me, baby.
It is ridiculous. I've been to Jamaica three times. Yes. The ketchup, I cannot remember anything unique about it.
It is ridiculous. I've been to Jamaica three times. Yes. The ketchup, I cannot remember anything unique about it.
I think it's Heinz. I think that that's that is probably what it is. They're like Jamaica has the best ketchup. It's literally Heinz.
I think it's Heinz. I think that that's that is probably what it is. They're like Jamaica has the best ketchup. It's literally Heinz.
Wait, what is it?
Wait, what is it?
I don't support this at all. I don't at all. This is not ketchup. This is a different thing. It's a different flavor. It's not ketchup at all. It's just something else.
I don't support this at all. I don't at all. This is not ketchup. This is a different thing. It's a different flavor. It's not ketchup at all. It's just something else.
By the way, Heinz owes us a free trip to Oklahoma or wherever the fuck they're making it. Pittsburgh. For some reason, they've DM'd me. Me too. They've DM'd you. They've emailed me. They've emailed you. Yeah. They keep saying, we'd love to take you to the factory. You would call. I go, I'm in.
By the way, Heinz owes us a free trip to Oklahoma or wherever the fuck they're making it. Pittsburgh. For some reason, they've DM'd me. Me too. They've DM'd you. They've emailed me. They've emailed you. Yeah. They keep saying, we'd love to take you to the factory. You would call. I go, I'm in.
They've emailed so many times. And I said, I will go whenever you are ready. I'm in. And I go, I go, I've talked to Paul. He's in too. And then they ghost.
They've emailed so many times. And I said, I will go whenever you are ready. I'm in. And I go, I go, I've talked to Paul. He's in too. And then they ghost.
What the damn frick is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma, back with another episode of Subway Takes the Podcast. Today, I am joined by the legendary comedian, actor, sometimes magician at children's birthday parties, Paul Scheer. You may know him from his very en vogue gaps space between his teeth. Finally. It's made a comeback.
What the damn frick is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma, back with another episode of Subway Takes the Podcast. Today, I am joined by the legendary comedian, actor, sometimes magician at children's birthday parties, Paul Scheer. You may know him from his very en vogue gaps space between his teeth. Finally. It's made a comeback.
Is that only available at the factory?
Is that only available at the factory?
I think I might... Why don't we put... By the way, it's called The Remix. Oh, that's a sick fucking name, dude. They can do no wrong. That's a sick name. If I was Hunt's Ketchup, I would close up shop.
I think I might... Why don't we put... By the way, it's called The Remix. Oh, that's a sick fucking name, dude. They can do no wrong. That's a sick name. If I was Hunt's Ketchup, I would close up shop.
Enhancers? Enhancers?
Enhancers? Enhancers?
little do they know how much cred i mean what we've done for their company already we're talking i mean they're spending the majority of time talking about heinz their comp their comments have like 15 000 likes and and yeah i was like why what you're commenting you're talking you're dming me you're emailing me you have your reps just fucking buy my ticket i will be there tomorrow that's what i'm saying get me there and let's go
little do they know how much cred i mean what we've done for their company already we're talking i mean they're spending the majority of time talking about heinz their comp their comments have like 15 000 likes and and yeah i was like why what you're commenting you're talking you're dming me you're emailing me you have your reps just fucking buy my ticket i will be there tomorrow that's what i'm saying get me there and let's go
Let's go. Let's fucking go, dude. It would be so sick. We'll probably walk away with so much free product.
Let's go. Let's fucking go, dude. It would be so sick. We'll probably walk away with so much free product.
I can stand behind this. And then the teeth, the tooth, that's very sexy. Right now, that's very sexy.
I can stand behind this. And then the teeth, the tooth, that's very sexy. Right now, that's very sexy.
Do you keep your ketchup in the fridge?
Do you keep your ketchup in the fridge?
Oh, that's interesting.
Oh, that's interesting.
I think that's normal. I do that too. I don't even know why I said that's interesting. That's literally not interesting.
I think that's normal. I do that too. I don't even know why I said that's interesting. That's literally not interesting.
Important question. Where do you keep the butter?
Important question. Where do you keep the butter?
Here's why. It's because you're rich now. Rich people keep the butter out. Okay.
Here's why. It's because you're rich now. Rich people keep the butter out. Okay.
Yes, you are there. Rich people keep the butter out. It's a fact. I don't keep my butter out yet. I'm on my way. But soon I will keep the butter out.
Yes, you are there. Rich people keep the butter out. It's a fact. I don't keep my butter out yet. I'm on my way. But soon I will keep the butter out.
This sounds really complicated, and that's probably why it's for the rich. I mean, you've got to get those contraptions.
This sounds really complicated, and that's probably why it's for the rich. I mean, you've got to get those contraptions.
Now, let me ask you a question. Are you using more butter ever since you left it out? Because that's kind of a fear of mine.
Now, let me ask you a question. Are you using more butter ever since you left it out? Because that's kind of a fear of mine.
I'm only using butter for cooking, but I'm not slathering it on things.
I'm only using butter for cooking, but I'm not slathering it on things.
Yeah, either one.
Yeah, either one.
What do you mean they don't butter? You put butter like little chunks? Little squares? You put it on top of them?
What do you mean they don't butter? You put butter like little chunks? Little squares? You put it on top of them?
This is important news, but I have a hack for you with the pancakes.
This is important news, but I have a hack for you with the pancakes.
So I'm very much so into the syrup. I like my pancakes wet. Me too. Fucking wet. Yeah, that's why we're here. Like soaking wet. Yep. So here's something I don't know where I learned this. I must have seen it in a movie or something. But you get, you know, let's say you got a triple stack. Yeah. They're all on top of each other. You cut through them all like a pizza pie.
So I'm very much so into the syrup. I like my pancakes wet. Me too. Fucking wet. Yeah, that's why we're here. Like soaking wet. Yep. So here's something I don't know where I learned this. I must have seen it in a movie or something. But you get, you know, let's say you got a triple stack. Yeah. They're all on top of each other. You cut through them all like a pizza pie.
But the kind of pizza pie that's square slices.
But the kind of pizza pie that's square slices.
So you cut, you know, three lines horizontally, three lines vertically. And then you kind of put the butter is already stacked. So like pancake butter, pancake butter, pancake butter. Then you do the cross mark like a pie and you fucking pour the syrup and it goes all the way down, soaks everything up. It gets into the part of the spongy, the spongy part, not the hard part.
So you cut, you know, three lines horizontally, three lines vertically. And then you kind of put the butter is already stacked. So like pancake butter, pancake butter, pancake butter. Then you do the cross mark like a pie and you fucking pour the syrup and it goes all the way down, soaks everything up. It gets into the part of the spongy, the spongy part, not the hard part.
and then spongy part into the spongy the spongy part that's the only part yes so a lot of people when i tell them that i like my pancakes wet they're they're grossed out what do they want dry dry pancakes no disgusting they like just aren't into like usually when i go to a restaurant and i get pancakes which is not a ton but it's you know enough um they bring out the syrup it's usually a little carafe i'm gonna need at least two more of those yeah of course
and then spongy part into the spongy the spongy part that's the only part yes so a lot of people when i tell them that i like my pancakes wet they're they're grossed out what do they want dry dry pancakes no disgusting they like just aren't into like usually when i go to a restaurant and i get pancakes which is not a ton but it's you know enough um they bring out the syrup it's usually a little carafe i'm gonna need at least two more of those yeah of course
I like them wet, like really wet, like a wet burrito. I like it wet. I like wet fucking pancake.
I like them wet, like really wet, like a wet burrito. I like it wet. I like wet fucking pancake.
Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. You're, you're, we're on the same page.
Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. You're, you're, we're on the same page.
So have you always cooked or was it a child? I just had a kid. She's 14 months. Oh, congratulations. I haven't really cooked much because my wife doesn't trust me. She's like, will you make her an omelet? I'm like, sure. She's like, what are you going to put in it? I was like, nothing, just omelet, just egg. For me, just egg, maybe some mushrooms. And my wife makes her a really special omelet.
So have you always cooked or was it a child? I just had a kid. She's 14 months. Oh, congratulations. I haven't really cooked much because my wife doesn't trust me. She's like, will you make her an omelet? I'm like, sure. She's like, what are you going to put in it? I was like, nothing, just omelet, just egg. For me, just egg, maybe some mushrooms. And my wife makes her a really special omelet.
I'm like, I don't have time for a really special omelet. I only have time for an omelet that has mushroom and eggs in it. Is she so –
I'm like, I don't have time for a really special omelet. I only have time for an omelet that has mushroom and eggs in it. Is she so –
That's a pretty bad dentist. It seems like a pretty easy fix.
That's a pretty bad dentist. It seems like a pretty easy fix.
they only do this and he's like it's fine who gives a shit good yeah i'm gonna need you to go to your doctor because my my wife is very much so like this child needs to be really healthy and i agree with her i don't want my kid to be like disgusting i don't want my kid to be disgusting and and you're and you walk this line and this is the tricky thing it's like you walk this line where it's like
they only do this and he's like it's fine who gives a shit good yeah i'm gonna need you to go to your doctor because my my wife is very much so like this child needs to be really healthy and i agree with her i don't want my kid to be like disgusting i don't want my kid to be disgusting and and you're and you walk this line and this is the tricky thing it's like you walk this line where it's like
That's kind of how I was. My family didn't buy any of that, but I knew where to get it because my neighbors, they had the fridge in the garage filled with pop. Which is what we call soda. Of course, I get that, yeah. And just, like, Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew.
That's kind of how I was. My family didn't buy any of that, but I knew where to get it because my neighbors, they had the fridge in the garage filled with pop. Which is what we call soda. Of course, I get that, yeah. And just, like, Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew.
And I would literally walk over to their house, open their fucking garage door, open that fridge, get a Mountain Dew, walk to my house, sneak it in my basement, just chugging a Mountain Dew.
And I would literally walk over to their house, open their fucking garage door, open that fridge, get a Mountain Dew, walk to my house, sneak it in my basement, just chugging a Mountain Dew.
We need, we need you drinking water.
We need, we need you drinking water.
That's nice of them. That's really nice of them. All right. I want to get to the section called takes on takes. Take some takes.
That's nice of them. That's really nice of them. All right. I want to get to the section called takes on takes. Take some takes.
Takes on takes. I'm going to read you some takes that have been done on the show. You're going to take my job for a moment and do 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay. Because those are the only two options. Okay. And, you know, that's it. So the first take is, this is Hasan Minhaj's take. It was restaurants have got to stop singing happy birthday to adults.
Takes on takes. I'm going to read you some takes that have been done on the show. You're going to take my job for a moment and do 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay. Because those are the only two options. Okay. And, you know, that's it. So the first take is, this is Hasan Minhaj's take. It was restaurants have got to stop singing happy birthday to adults.
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
I mean, I don't really know where these restaurants are anymore. Well, that's what I'm thinking about, yeah. But I think that if they're – I think here's what I think. This is why I disagreed with him. I think if they come out and they sing happy birthday to you, you have no choice but to leave a big fat tip. which is good for them. Sure. They're small inconvenience.
I mean, I don't really know where these restaurants are anymore. Well, that's what I'm thinking about, yeah. But I think that if they're – I think here's what I think. This is why I disagreed with him. I think if they come out and they sing happy birthday to you, you have no choice but to leave a big fat tip. which is good for them. Sure. They're small inconvenience.
And I also, in the comments, many people were like, I like doing it. I work at a restaurant and I enjoy this. And so I think if they're working at a restaurant, they're enjoying it. They're celebrating. I think we need more reason to celebrate stupid shit like a 55-year-old guy's birthday. Yes. And you leave a big fat tip at the end. Everybody's happy.
And I also, in the comments, many people were like, I like doing it. I work at a restaurant and I enjoy this. And so I think if they're working at a restaurant, they're enjoying it. They're celebrating. I think we need more reason to celebrate stupid shit like a 55-year-old guy's birthday. Yes. And you leave a big fat tip at the end. Everybody's happy.
I think if the restaurant, obviously, if they don't want to do it, the workers, then...
I think if the restaurant, obviously, if they don't want to do it, the workers, then...
I had recently something happen to me that I really didn't like, which is that I was out at a dinner. I think it was like five, six friends at an establishment where I'm a regular. I'm the connection. I get to the table. It's my spot. And I go there often. And a lot of the staff knows me. The maitre d' knows me. A lot of people know me there.
I had recently something happen to me that I really didn't like, which is that I was out at a dinner. I think it was like five, six friends at an establishment where I'm a regular. I'm the connection. I get to the table. It's my spot. And I go there often. And a lot of the staff knows me. The maitre d' knows me. A lot of people know me there.
And I was with some friends that know that this is my spot and that I get treated well there because I've been there so many times. And one of the guys at my table, he told them that it was my birthday. Oh, I hate this. And they brought out the fucking dessert. And I was like, I was just like, come on. This is my like, this is not cool. Yeah, this is not Ben again. This is not fucking TJ Friday.
And I was with some friends that know that this is my spot and that I get treated well there because I've been there so many times. And one of the guys at my table, he told them that it was my birthday. Oh, I hate this. And they brought out the fucking dessert. And I was like, I was just like, come on. This is my like, this is not cool. Yeah, this is not Ben again. This is not fucking TJ Friday.
And that's my relationship. Now they think I'm a fucking liar. Now I have to go explain, hey, it was my friend. And then they're going to think that my friend is lame, which reduces my coolness. And then they take away maybe the privileges of me getting tables when I want to. It's a whole fucking thing. And I'm so upset.
And that's my relationship. Now they think I'm a fucking liar. Now I have to go explain, hey, it was my friend. And then they're going to think that my friend is lame, which reduces my coolness. And then they take away maybe the privileges of me getting tables when I want to. It's a whole fucking thing. And I'm so upset.
There's rules. There's rules of engagement. And as adults, you know them. As a child, you don't know them. Yes. So it's just not fair to the people that are working the restaurant.
There's rules. There's rules of engagement. And as adults, you know them. As a child, you don't know them. Yes. So it's just not fair to the people that are working the restaurant.
I'm like, I'm not in a club.
I'm like, I'm not in a club.
And then you're faced with a major dilemma. Well, actually, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. No, you're done. Literally. You're done. You can't go, hey, I just realized I ordered bottle service. I actually don't want bottle because they've already done the whole show.
And then you're faced with a major dilemma. Well, actually, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. No, you're done. Literally. You're done. You can't go, hey, I just realized I ordered bottle service. I actually don't want bottle because they've already done the whole show.
I can't believe you accidentally did bottle service.
I can't believe you accidentally did bottle service.
fear as that's coming toward because i see it and i'm like oh my god now when i saw it go to three other tables after us i was thrilled i was like good yeah yeah and i think that person is is upselling because i think that they are incentivized to sell bottles because it's 900 so like he probably made 200 bucks which is good i guess it's good for everyone good good for you
fear as that's coming toward because i see it and i'm like oh my god now when i saw it go to three other tables after us i was thrilled i was like good yeah yeah and i think that person is is upselling because i think that they are incentivized to sell bottles because it's 900 so like he probably made 200 bucks which is good i guess it's good for everyone good good for you
We need laws. We need laws. We need birthday rules. Next take, this is going to, you know, I'll just say it. This girl came on the show and she said, beating your kids isn't that bad. And she wasn't talking, though. She's not talking about.
We need laws. We need laws. We need birthday rules. Next take, this is going to, you know, I'll just say it. This girl came on the show and she said, beating your kids isn't that bad. And she wasn't talking, though. She's not talking about.
A smack. And she also specified only from mom.
A smack. And she also specified only from mom.
This is maybe too, maybe too close to the sun.
This is maybe too, maybe too close to the sun.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to get a bit of force, get a bit of foreskin stuck in there.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to get a bit of force, get a bit of foreskin stuck in there.
Yeah. There's a little, I I'm, I'm not planning on smacking my kid.
Yeah. There's a little, I I'm, I'm not planning on smacking my kid.
Good. And, but I do think that if, uh, Actually, I think I disagree. You have to disagree. Will I let my wife beat my kid?
Good. And, but I do think that if, uh, Actually, I think I disagree. You have to disagree. Will I let my wife beat my kid?
I was going to say, oh yeah, I'd let Karina hit the kid. Not even hit. A little... No, I just think I wouldn't do it. So I think I've changed my mind. I don't know if I agree or disagree with that, but...
I was going to say, oh yeah, I'd let Karina hit the kid. Not even hit. A little... No, I just think I wouldn't do it. So I think I've changed my mind. I don't know if I agree or disagree with that, but...
All right, all right.
All right, all right.
It's probably bad. Yeah, it's bad. And the comments were like, you're dumb. But you know what?
It's probably bad. Yeah, it's bad. And the comments were like, you're dumb. But you know what?
Yeah. Okay, this one's good. This is from Ahmed Weinberg. Vegan food, if delivered, is no longer vegan.
Yeah. Okay, this one's good. This is from Ahmed Weinberg. Vegan food, if delivered, is no longer vegan.
No, I think the thing is, if vegan food is delivered, his argument was that a human being suffers in the making of the food, technically.
No, I think the thing is, if vegan food is delivered, his argument was that a human being suffers in the making of the food, technically.
No, it's about the guy. Oh, wow, you're just the guy. Maybe in New York, it's very much about the guy. Because the guy is riding a bike... through a snowstorm with your sushi on his back, which is not vegan, so your vegan sushi on his back through a snowstorm, suffering, an animal suffering, so that you can have your vegan food, which is no longer vegan because an animal has suffered.
No, it's about the guy. Oh, wow, you're just the guy. Maybe in New York, it's very much about the guy. Because the guy is riding a bike... through a snowstorm with your sushi on his back, which is not vegan, so your vegan sushi on his back through a snowstorm, suffering, an animal suffering, so that you can have your vegan food, which is no longer vegan because an animal has suffered.
by the time that you get it.
by the time that you get it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These are very hard. Good bits. A lot of good bits.
These are very hard. Good bits. A lot of good bits.
Alright, 100% agree or 100% disagree. Jesus was not a Republican.
Alright, 100% agree or 100% disagree. Jesus was not a Republican.
So I haven't seen, I've never seen that movie, but I vividly remember it being available in, uh, the video rental store, like my local neighborhood. And I saw it, the cover. I remember it. I've seen it so many times.
So I haven't seen, I've never seen that movie, but I vividly remember it being available in, uh, the video rental store, like my local neighborhood. And I saw it, the cover. I remember it. I've seen it so many times.
I never bought, I never rented it because I was, I think, you know, I maybe looked at the back and I was like, I have no idea what these people are talking about, but is that a great film?
I never bought, I never rented it because I was, I think, you know, I maybe looked at the back and I was like, I have no idea what these people are talking about, but is that a great film?
Totally misguided people. Wait, so what's unspooled? Where can people find you?
Totally misguided people. Wait, so what's unspooled? Where can people find you?
beautiful stuff and then what are your personal instagram tiktok whatever just my name paul sheer just paul sheer always paul sheer well thanks so much dude for coming on the show i appreciate this a blast i'm glad we could reminisce about uh ketchups and hopefully we'll see each other again in pittsburgh uh and the ketchup factory i hope so i'm gonna i'm gonna email i hit them up today after i saw the remix machine i literally did i was like what's up guys
beautiful stuff and then what are your personal instagram tiktok whatever just my name paul sheer just paul sheer always paul sheer well thanks so much dude for coming on the show i appreciate this a blast i'm glad we could reminisce about uh ketchups and hopefully we'll see each other again in pittsburgh uh and the ketchup factory i hope so i'm gonna i'm gonna email i hit them up today after i saw the remix machine i literally did i was like what's up guys
I'll do that, too. I might put you on CC, though. I love it. Please, I can't wait. What's the fucking deal? We just did another episode.
I'll do that, too. I might put you on CC, though. I love it. Please, I can't wait. What's the fucking deal? We just did another episode.
All right, man. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful night. You, too. And thanks for coming on. All right, bye.
All right, man. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful night. You, too. And thanks for coming on. All right, bye.
And the whole time you're thinking this guy has a gap in his teeth like that through your mind the whole time. So what is the deal? He doesn't like to acknowledge that he has a gap.
And the whole time you're thinking this guy has a gap in his teeth like that through your mind the whole time. So what is the deal? He doesn't like to acknowledge that he has a gap.
Or Biff was fucking with you a little bit.
Or Biff was fucking with you a little bit.
you were bald like we know you were bald like what are we doing here like if you're going to make a choice like that you have to embrace it do you think jeremy piven hit turkey istanbul with the boys like he was like group chat like the group chat well four dudes they go to turkey they fucking live it up you know entourage style yeah and just the fellas the fellas in turkey everyone's getting the plugs get them in that's what that's what i'm doing
you were bald like we know you were bald like what are we doing here like if you're going to make a choice like that you have to embrace it do you think jeremy piven hit turkey istanbul with the boys like he was like group chat like the group chat well four dudes they go to turkey they fucking live it up you know entourage style yeah and just the fellas the fellas in turkey everyone's getting the plugs get them in that's what that's what i'm doing
I think you made the right choice. I think that you look great. Well, you're lovely to say it. That's all there is to it. That you just look great and natural and cool and you look badass and also, you know, you look great. I don't really have anything to say about it. I appreciate it.
I think you made the right choice. I think that you look great. Well, you're lovely to say it. That's all there is to it. That you just look great and natural and cool and you look badass and also, you know, you look great. I don't really have anything to say about it. I appreciate it.
Oh, it's cute. I mean, it's a really cute look. It is. I see less and less guys with it. I feel like that's of a certain generation. I think it is. I think now people, they either go, they're like, fuck it, I'll be bald. And then they get rid of that. Or they go, fuck it, I'm not going to be bald. And they add hair on top again. But there's not many guys that are like, you know what?
Oh, it's cute. I mean, it's a really cute look. It is. I see less and less guys with it. I feel like that's of a certain generation. I think it is. I think now people, they either go, they're like, fuck it, I'll be bald. And then they get rid of that. Or they go, fuck it, I'm not going to be bald. And they add hair on top again. But there's not many guys that are like, you know what?
There's that funny meme about how George Costanza is like 30 or something. Yeah. And now 30-year-olds look like they're 17. They got baggy pants and a gold tooth. And George Costanza looks like he's 86.
There's that funny meme about how George Costanza is like 30 or something. Yeah. And now 30-year-olds look like they're 17. They got baggy pants and a gold tooth. And George Costanza looks like he's 86.
There's an epidemic in New York City of men dressing not their age. 40-year-old men standing in line to buy the latest drop from KISS and chasing the trends, and they look fucking stupid. Here's my style philosophy. I've done the kind of classic... Let me be like a classic Ralph Lauren, Anthony Bourdain type of situation. Or is Seinfeldian in a way? It's normal. It looks cool.
There's an epidemic in New York City of men dressing not their age. 40-year-old men standing in line to buy the latest drop from KISS and chasing the trends, and they look fucking stupid. Here's my style philosophy. I've done the kind of classic... Let me be like a classic Ralph Lauren, Anthony Bourdain type of situation. Or is Seinfeldian in a way? It's normal. It looks cool.
My pants do not change. I've committed now to regular.
My pants do not change. I've committed now to regular.
They're going to go skinny. They're already going skinny. I'm not going with them. They're going to go big again. I'm just going to stay... I'm going to be a regular fit for the rest of my life.
They're going to go skinny. They're already going skinny. I'm not going with them. They're going to go big again. I'm just going to stay... I'm going to be a regular fit for the rest of my life.
You saw everything Subway Takes had to offer or that Instagram had to offer, and you decided to make your own account.
You saw everything Subway Takes had to offer or that Instagram had to offer, and you decided to make your own account.
No, it looks fucking sick. Especially as a drummer wearing a cropped tee, people are like, that guy fucks for sure. The standard tee is not for me.
No, it looks fucking sick. Especially as a drummer wearing a cropped tee, people are like, that guy fucks for sure. The standard tee is not for me.
It's really slutty. That was kind of the vibe last season. I wonder what the vibe is this season. What do you think the vibe is this season?
It's really slutty. That was kind of the vibe last season. I wonder what the vibe is this season. What do you think the vibe is this season?
I'm wearing a muscle tee at our show on Thursday.
I'm wearing a muscle tee at our show on Thursday.
No, but you can wear a wife beater. A wife. A wife lover.
No, but you can wear a wife beater. A wife. A wife lover.
My bad. It's actually an A-shirt. That's what they call it on Amazon.com.
My bad. It's actually an A-shirt. That's what they call it on Amazon.com.
I'm also sure it is one that's a sleeveless tee.
I'm also sure it is one that's a sleeveless tee.
Or is it just... Is it tighter on the... It depends on if... I'd say that the store-bought ones are tighter around the shoulder zone. And then the homemade ones, you got that deep hole.
Or is it just... Is it tighter on the... It depends on if... I'd say that the store-bought ones are tighter around the shoulder zone. And then the homemade ones, you got that deep hole.
I think the deep hole looks good. I think I look good in muscle tees because I do have pretty nice arms and a couple of tattoos that look nice. But that's where I would... Yeah, because I feel like a muscle tee, you have a little bit of attitude.
I think the deep hole looks good. I think I look good in muscle tees because I do have pretty nice arms and a couple of tattoos that look nice. But that's where I would... Yeah, because I feel like a muscle tee, you have a little bit of attitude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, you cut the bottom of the shirt off. You're like, fuck the bottom. You cut the sleeves off. Fuck the sleeves. You know, like a regular T is just not very appealing to me as a kind of a punk cool guy.
I mean, you cut the bottom of the shirt off. You're like, fuck the bottom. You cut the sleeves off. Fuck the sleeves. You know, like a regular T is just not very appealing to me as a kind of a punk cool guy.
At the moment, I'm just removing one. And the one is this tattoo that I got after my father passed away. I got his name in Arabic. And it was my first tattoo that I ever got. And it was in college. And I fucking was like, Mom, how do you spell dad's name in Arabic? And she wrote it for me in a Sharpie. And it had Arabic at that time. I would say, had a very close proximity with the ISIS flag.
At the moment, I'm just removing one. And the one is this tattoo that I got after my father passed away. I got his name in Arabic. And it was my first tattoo that I ever got. And it was in college. And I fucking was like, Mom, how do you spell dad's name in Arabic? And she wrote it for me in a Sharpie. And it had Arabic at that time. I would say, had a very close proximity with the ISIS flag.
And so I went and put it... I asked the tattoo artist, I was like, can you put this on me? And he was like, you know, it's going to show up exactly as it's drawn, right? And I was like, yeah, no worries. And so he did it. And it did, in fact, look a little too Islamic Republic. No, it's not called this. It was too ISIS-y? What is ISIS called? What does it stand for, ISIS?
And so I went and put it... I asked the tattoo artist, I was like, can you put this on me? And he was like, you know, it's going to show up exactly as it's drawn, right? And I was like, yeah, no worries. And so he did it. And it did, in fact, look a little too Islamic Republic. No, it's not called this. It was too ISIS-y? What is ISIS called? What does it stand for, ISIS?
I don't know what it's... Oh, it's Islamic State of Iraq.
I don't know what it's... Oh, it's Islamic State of Iraq.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.
Oh, Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.
Just two countries, right? It looked a little bit like ISIS-y. And it was also just bad. I mean, it was like a Sharpie. It was spelled incorrectly. My mom wrote it a little bit wrong. It was vertical instead of horizontal, which is not how you read Arabic. It's how you read Chinese. And so there was just a lot of things wrong with it. So I was like, oh, I'm going to get this covered up.
Just two countries, right? It looked a little bit like ISIS-y. And it was also just bad. I mean, it was like a Sharpie. It was spelled incorrectly. My mom wrote it a little bit wrong. It was vertical instead of horizontal, which is not how you read Arabic. It's how you read Chinese. And so there was just a lot of things wrong with it. So I was like, oh, I'm going to get this covered up.
That was for your domain name. That's what you were thinking about starting a website.
That was for your domain name. That's what you were thinking about starting a website.
And so I went to this guy who... is a good tattoo artist. But at the time I was kind of in my fucking fuck boy era. And I was like, Hey, cover this up. And I kind of like nonchalantly was like, you can put whatever you want to like, I don't know, like a snake and a rose or something. But I like said that like nonchalantly.
And so I went to this guy who... is a good tattoo artist. But at the time I was kind of in my fucking fuck boy era. And I was like, Hey, cover this up. And I kind of like nonchalantly was like, you can put whatever you want to like, I don't know, like a snake and a rose or something. But I like said that like nonchalantly.
No references. The only reference was when I said something like a snake and a rose or something or even just a snake. And he started just... No, he didn't draw. He didn't stencil. Usually, they stencil or trace the tattoo and show you what it's going to look like. He just free-handed without a trace or without a stencil. And he just started...
No references. The only reference was when I said something like a snake and a rose or something or even just a snake. And he started just... No, he didn't draw. He didn't stencil. Usually, they stencil or trace the tattoo and show you what it's going to look like. He just free-handed without a trace or without a stencil. And he just started...
a snake and a rose and it was so like i didn't look at it while he was doing it because i was like it's gonna be sick and by the way where is it not clear where's this tattoo by the way is it like on the small of your back obviously or like it's on it's on my bicep okay got it okay it's on my bicep and um sorry hold on my super is calling me.
a snake and a rose and it was so like i didn't look at it while he was doing it because i was like it's gonna be sick and by the way where is it not clear where's this tattoo by the way is it like on the small of your back obviously or like it's on it's on my bicep okay got it okay it's on my bicep and um sorry hold on my super is calling me.
It's on my bicep and the original tattoo was like probably only like two inches long. Okay, cover up is probably like seven inches. It's like my whole bicep.
It's on my bicep and the original tattoo was like probably only like two inches long. Okay, cover up is probably like seven inches. It's like my whole bicep.
That was so weird. It was websites these days. I just got done recording a pod with famous comedian Ian Fidance.
That was so weird. It was websites these days. I just got done recording a pod with famous comedian Ian Fidance.
yeah so i was like i should get i should now get this covered up because you can't cover up the cover up because the cover up is already a cover up and it's so big so that's the only one i'm getting rid of um it's taking a lot longer than i thought it would but you can finally start to see it fading oh wow okay all right and i also think i'm done i'm done getting new ones okay so you're you're you've hit um stasis from a i've hit stasis perspective okay
yeah so i was like i should get i should now get this covered up because you can't cover up the cover up because the cover up is already a cover up and it's so big so that's the only one i'm getting rid of um it's taking a lot longer than i thought it would but you can finally start to see it fading oh wow okay all right and i also think i'm done i'm done getting new ones okay so you're you're you've hit um stasis from a i've hit stasis perspective okay
Yeah, I think I'm not going to get any new ones. I don't think I'll get any of them removed at the moment, like any additional ones, but I might before I die.
Yeah, I think I'm not going to get any new ones. I don't think I'll get any of them removed at the moment, like any additional ones, but I might before I die.
Okay, got it. You know, obviously I don't know when I'm going to die, but like if I have some time to know. Assuming I die of natural causes, I'll probably remove them when I'm like 67. So do you have any tattoos? You don't have any tattoos.
Okay, got it. You know, obviously I don't know when I'm going to die, but like if I have some time to know. Assuming I die of natural causes, I'll probably remove them when I'm like 67. So do you have any tattoos? You don't have any tattoos.
Ghetto Asians.
Ghetto Asians.
the other thing the other god oh it's definitely it's definitely on the internet it's called like uh i'm gonna go to urban dictionary.com yeah it's like the guys who have like rice rockets and shit like that and like souped up civics i'm not saying that i'm allowed to say that can i say that shit i don't know i think you can wait what the fuck there's a specific thing for that okay let's see here what do i type into urban dictionary asians
the other thing the other god oh it's definitely it's definitely on the internet it's called like uh i'm gonna go to urban dictionary.com yeah it's like the guys who have like rice rockets and shit like that and like souped up civics i'm not saying that i'm allowed to say that can i say that shit i don't know i think you can wait what the fuck there's a specific thing for that okay let's see here what do i type into urban dictionary asians
He seems great. He's pretty happy. He's a positive guy. You know, he's he's I think he said he's 15 years sober, which is pretty damn good or 10. I don't remember.
He seems great. He's pretty happy. He's a positive guy. You know, he's he's I think he said he's 15 years sober, which is pretty damn good or 10. I don't remember.
No, dude, I don't know. I don't know. This is going to bother me all day.
No, dude, I don't know. I don't know. This is going to bother me all day.
Asian fuck boy. No, that's not it. Asian. You told me about, you told me about this category of Asian guys.
Asian fuck boy. No, that's not it. Asian. You told me about, you told me about this category of Asian guys.
I can't believe you don't know it. You don't know your people.
I can't believe you don't know it. You don't know your people.
You don't know your culture.
You don't know your culture.
Anyways. Wow, okay. Remember it for next time.
Anyways. Wow, okay. Remember it for next time.
Because we got to go. We'll leave this on a cliffhanger for our audience.
Because we got to go. We'll leave this on a cliffhanger for our audience.
Yeah, let's leave it. Tune in next time. Tune in next time. Anyways, stick around for that Ian Fidance episode. His original take was the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole.
Yeah, let's leave it. Tune in next time. Tune in next time. Anyways, stick around for that Ian Fidance episode. His original take was the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole.
I actually disagreed. I think you can navigate class in an upward way, not through looks or exploitation or showing whole.
I actually disagreed. I think you can navigate class in an upward way, not through looks or exploitation or showing whole.
Show hole.
Show hole.
Yeah. Or just shucking and diving. Okay. Shucking and driving. Okay, I gotta go. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Oh, it's just audio? Yeah, but I want to talk to you. I want to look at you while I'm talking. Well then, hats off. Dude. Put your pee-pee back inside your pants. I can't. Oh, that's a nice little flute. Thank you. No, but seriously, why does your Zoom say Shrimp King as your name? Shrimp King.
Yeah. Or just shucking and diving. Okay. Shucking and driving. Okay, I gotta go. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Oh, it's just audio? Yeah, but I want to talk to you. I want to look at you while I'm talking. Well then, hats off. Dude. Put your pee-pee back inside your pants. I can't. Oh, that's a nice little flute. Thank you. No, but seriously, why does your Zoom say Shrimp King as your name? Shrimp King.
Dude, that's a prank you did to name me Shrimp King. Why would I prank you? You're my friend. I don't prank my friends. I prank my enemies.
Dude, that's a prank you did to name me Shrimp King. Why would I prank you? You're my friend. I don't prank my friends. I prank my enemies.
Probably in like a pitch meeting with, with fucking HBO max.
Probably in like a pitch meeting with, with fucking HBO max.
So maybe it's the phones are listening, man. So you think yesterday when you got home after your fucking shrimp hangover, you were like, let me just change the default settings in my podcasting app to say shrimp king.
So maybe it's the phones are listening, man. So you think yesterday when you got home after your fucking shrimp hangover, you were like, let me just change the default settings in my podcasting app to say shrimp king.
Yeah, I think so, too. Well, that is Ian Fidance on Shrimp. Moving on to the next guest.
Yeah, I think so, too. Well, that is Ian Fidance on Shrimp. Moving on to the next guest.
Thank you for your time. Goodbye.
Thank you for your time. Goodbye.
What the fuck is up, Subway Takes people? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. I'm here with one of the funniest people, at least in Brooklyn, who I have... who I had the pleasure of meeting via Subway Takes. His name is Ian Fidance, and his take was that the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole. So what's your take?
What the fuck is up, Subway Takes people? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. I'm here with one of the funniest people, at least in Brooklyn, who I have... who I had the pleasure of meeting via Subway Takes. His name is Ian Fidance, and his take was that the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole. So what's your take?
Because we're kind of ugly.
Because we're kind of ugly.
I mean, let's be honest. I mean, you're all right. How much do you think the average person makes showing a hole?
I mean, let's be honest. I mean, you're all right. How much do you think the average person makes showing a hole?
So how do you suggest that ugly people work their way up? Lie, cheat, and steal. Lie, cheat, and steal, that's all we can do?
So how do you suggest that ugly people work their way up? Lie, cheat, and steal. Lie, cheat, and steal, that's all we can do?
I'm sorry, I just got distracted. You have the world's smallest feet. What? Your feet are tiny. Fuck you.
I'm sorry, I just got distracted. You have the world's smallest feet. What? Your feet are tiny. Fuck you.
You have tiny feet, dude. What is that?
You have tiny feet, dude. What is that?
These are freaking toothpicks. These are toothpicks?
These are freaking toothpicks. These are toothpicks?
I'm at least two toes bigger than yours. Congrats. What are you going to do with it? Actually, monetize it, probably make a ton of money.
I'm at least two toes bigger than yours. Congrats. What are you going to do with it? Actually, monetize it, probably make a ton of money.
That's quite mean. This was episode 114, very early on in the show, and Ian, you know, he came in with his creative voice and just made a little speech about how the only way to navigate class in an upward way in today's America is through looks, exploitation, and showing whole. Ian, welcome to the show.
That's quite mean. This was episode 114, very early on in the show, and Ian, you know, he came in with his creative voice and just made a little speech about how the only way to navigate class in an upward way in today's America is through looks, exploitation, and showing whole. Ian, welcome to the show.
Well, I mean, what else did you have? Also, are you smoking cigs in your house?
Well, I mean, what else did you have? Also, are you smoking cigs in your house?
I didn't even know who he was until then, which is my bad.
I didn't even know who he was until then, which is my bad.
I 100% disagree with that.
I 100% disagree with that.
No, no, no. When we smoke cigarettes indoors and? And? Baseball players.
No, no, no. When we smoke cigarettes indoors and? And? Baseball players.
And basketball players. Players wore short shorts.
And basketball players. Players wore short shorts.
Well, your basement, I've been to your basement. It looks like 92.
Well, your basement, I've been to your basement. It looks like 92.
It was great. We talked about the 90s and how that was the golden era of literally everything. 90s music, 90s vibes, 90s furniture, 90s aesthetics. 90s lifestyle. He's a 90s guy, and I'm a 90s guy, so we had a lot of fun talking about that. We talked about Thailand and how we could move there and live like kings and also probably establish a village that is 90s-themed.
It was great. We talked about the 90s and how that was the golden era of literally everything. 90s music, 90s vibes, 90s furniture, 90s aesthetics. 90s lifestyle. He's a 90s guy, and I'm a 90s guy, so we had a lot of fun talking about that. We talked about Thailand and how we could move there and live like kings and also probably establish a village that is 90s-themed.
It feels really good in there except for the podcast studio.
It feels really good in there except for the podcast studio.
And you're in your basement right now, your home studio, your film and production and television studio that's in your basement, but you're doing this podcast on your iPhone.
And you're in your basement right now, your home studio, your film and production and television studio that's in your basement, but you're doing this podcast on your iPhone.
Should we start a GoFundMe?
Should we start a GoFundMe?
Shrimp King needs a new laptop.
Shrimp King needs a new laptop.
Wait, I didn't know that you actually – so the Shrimp King thing is not a bit. You really love shrimp. I do love shrimp. I'm telling you the truth.
Wait, I didn't know that you actually – so the Shrimp King thing is not a bit. You really love shrimp. I do love shrimp. I'm telling you the truth.
Should I come over?
Should I come over?
Should I come over and fix your Shrimp King?
Should I come over and fix your Shrimp King?
Hold on. I'm trying to fix Shrimp King. No, do not. You're going to get logged out. We're going to have to start all over again. Leave it.
Hold on. I'm trying to fix Shrimp King. No, do not. You're going to get logged out. We're going to have to start all over again. Leave it.
Do not do anything right now except for smoke a cig and talk to me.
Do not do anything right now except for smoke a cig and talk to me.
Oh, man. You know, I don't know. I think that after your take, I did realize that you either have to do one of two things to make it in this world. You have to shuck and jive in short-form, unscripted, vertical video content.
Oh, man. You know, I don't know. I think that after your take, I did realize that you either have to do one of two things to make it in this world. You have to shuck and jive in short-form, unscripted, vertical video content.
I'm shucking and jiving.
I'm shucking and jiving.
Well, you're going to come back on the show. I need to hear your new takes because I didn't know that you were embarrassed by your take.
Well, you're going to come back on the show. I need to hear your new takes because I didn't know that you were embarrassed by your take.
Oh, you thought that you were like, oh, this guy's got a funny little hobby. Yeah.
Oh, you thought that you were like, oh, this guy's got a funny little hobby. Yeah.
I'm not kidding. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You're really going to say the Shrimp King is an attractive guy? Thank you. I think the Shrimp King is very attractive. Thank you. Because here's what I think. I think that no one wants Glenn Powell or whatever his name is. What's that guy's name? I don't know. Glenn Powell?
I'm not kidding. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You're really going to say the Shrimp King is an attractive guy? Thank you. I think the Shrimp King is very attractive. Thank you. Because here's what I think. I think that no one wants Glenn Powell or whatever his name is. What's that guy's name? I don't know. Glenn Powell?
I don't think you're a gremlin because a gremlin is like real like slimy. Oh, I don't like that. And wrinkly. And you're not wrinkly or slimy.
I don't think you're a gremlin because a gremlin is like real like slimy. Oh, I don't like that. And wrinkly. And you're not wrinkly or slimy.
You're not fat. You're not fat enough to be a goblin.
You're not fat. You're not fat enough to be a goblin.
100% agree. I think that's great. I'm on a diet right now. Do you know how awful it feels? What diet are you on? Just not eating a lot. Really? I'm on a literal no breakfast, salad for lunch every single day with salmon or chicken, and then pretty much the same thing for dinner. It's really awful.
100% agree. I think that's great. I'm on a diet right now. Do you know how awful it feels? What diet are you on? Just not eating a lot. Really? I'm on a literal no breakfast, salad for lunch every single day with salmon or chicken, and then pretty much the same thing for dinner. It's really awful.
I've lost like two pounds in a month. It's not worth it. I actually was like, I'm going to give up and just eat cookies and be fat and happy. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and depressed.
I've lost like two pounds in a month. It's not worth it. I actually was like, I'm going to give up and just eat cookies and be fat and happy. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and depressed.
I mean, I don't want to be fucking huge. I don't want to look like the whale.
I mean, I don't want to be fucking huge. I don't want to look like the whale.
What did you think?
What did you think?
No, but now I've slimmed the suit. I've slimmed it down because now I'm like a heartthrob. I'm playing into that character.
No, but now I've slimmed the suit. I've slimmed it down because now I'm like a heartthrob. I'm playing into that character.
what the hell is up subway takes gang it's your boy karim rahma of the subway takes podcast you know me you love me to know me is to love me i'm back with my co-creator and producer andrew quo that's a-n-d-r-e-w-k-u-o you can find him on instagram at a quo project his uh newly launched instagram website as he calls it it's an instagram website because
what the hell is up subway takes gang it's your boy karim rahma of the subway takes podcast you know me you love me to know me is to love me i'm back with my co-creator and producer andrew quo that's a-n-d-r-e-w-k-u-o you can find him on instagram at a quo project his uh newly launched instagram website as he calls it it's an instagram website because
I mean, exactly what I'm saying. You've got to be skinny. You've got to be at least kind of fit.
I mean, exactly what I'm saying. You've got to be skinny. You've got to be at least kind of fit.
I don't know, man. I don't really have time for all that. Oh. I'm thinking about getting that stick. That's what I call Ozempic.
I don't know, man. I don't really have time for all that. Oh. I'm thinking about getting that stick. That's what I call Ozempic.
It doesn't matter. We smoke. We drink. We put things in our noses. Why can't we just have a little harmless little shot that has pros?
It doesn't matter. We smoke. We drink. We put things in our noses. Why can't we just have a little harmless little shot that has pros?
I mean, I'm already unhealthy, so I may as well just do this thing that maybe my back problems, you have back problems, maybe, I thought that maybe I have back problems because I'm carrying too much weight in the front, and maybe my back is doing too much work, so I could alleviate the back pain by taking that stick.
I mean, I'm already unhealthy, so I may as well just do this thing that maybe my back problems, you have back problems, maybe, I thought that maybe I have back problems because I'm carrying too much weight in the front, and maybe my back is doing too much work, so I could alleviate the back pain by taking that stick.
Of course not, because everyone knows the answer. That's rude. First of all, that's rude.
Of course not, because everyone knows the answer. That's rude. First of all, that's rude.
You're just so stressed out. Here's the other thing, though, about becoming visible. When I'm on the train and I'm looking at my phone like a normal guy or a normal person, I should say. Pretty much everyone's looking at their phone.
You're just so stressed out. Here's the other thing, though, about becoming visible. When I'm on the train and I'm looking at my phone like a normal guy or a normal person, I should say. Pretty much everyone's looking at their phone.
and then people take photos of me and they post them on instagram and they tag me and they go oh it's the subway takes guy or it's oh it's kareem spotting and every photo i'm hunched over yeah looking like a fucking dweeb looking at my phone probably looking at my own instagram account and so now i don't uh i don't look at my phone on the train now i just i raw dog it
and then people take photos of me and they post them on instagram and they tag me and they go oh it's the subway takes guy or it's oh it's kareem spotting and every photo i'm hunched over yeah looking like a fucking dweeb looking at my phone probably looking at my own instagram account and so now i don't uh i don't look at my phone on the train now i just i raw dog it
Yeah, that's what you have. I pretend I'm reading a novel.
Yeah, that's what you have. I pretend I'm reading a novel.
Yeah, but you're making an assumption.
Yeah, but you're making an assumption.
I just hold The Catcher in the Rye in my hands. Nice. Because no one's really mad at that book.
I just hold The Catcher in the Rye in my hands. Nice. Because no one's really mad at that book.
No, they're just like, oh, well, they probably think I'm a loser because most people stop reading that in high school.
No, they're just like, oh, well, they probably think I'm a loser because most people stop reading that in high school.
Do you like that song?
Do you like that song?
But I did phrase it as a discussion. We did not discuss that. Okay. But we discussed Life on the Road, Delta. He's a Platinum Medallion member, which I was very jealous of. And a number of other things. It's going to be a great episode. It's a great episode.
But I did phrase it as a discussion. We did not discuss that. Okay. But we discussed Life on the Road, Delta. He's a Platinum Medallion member, which I was very jealous of. And a number of other things. It's going to be a great episode. It's a great episode.
I mean, look, who's to say that it's catchy? I mean, you agree with me. I don't condone or listen to it at all. I've never heard it. I don't... How does it go? Sing it to me. Let's see how catchy it is.
I mean, look, who's to say that it's catchy? I mean, you agree with me. I don't condone or listen to it at all. I've never heard it. I don't... How does it go? Sing it to me. Let's see how catchy it is.
I've been on Twitter, and I scroll on Twitter, and I've been served up about 15 variations of that song. It's like, have you seen those? People are using AI to do a salsa style HH. There's a 90s emo HH. There's a jazz HH. There's a lot of HHs. Yeah. Too many some would say.
I've been on Twitter, and I scroll on Twitter, and I've been served up about 15 variations of that song. It's like, have you seen those? People are using AI to do a salsa style HH. There's a 90s emo HH. There's a jazz HH. There's a lot of HHs. Yeah. Too many some would say.
It's taking the teeth out of the HH. And then I saw a video of like a bar in Thailand where HH has apparently become a banger. Like a literal fucking, it's like a T-Pain song. And they're playing HH in all of the clubs and bars in Thailand.
It's taking the teeth out of the HH. And then I saw a video of like a bar in Thailand where HH has apparently become a banger. Like a literal fucking, it's like a T-Pain song. And they're playing HH in all of the clubs and bars in Thailand.
No, no, they're saying the actual HH.
No, no, they're saying the actual HH.
Or to go like to do the pause. No, you can't. I think you have to go full.
Or to go like to do the pause. No, you can't. I think you have to go full.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure the people of Thailand in the videos that I've been seeing are they don't care about N. They don't care about HH. They don't care about the R word. They don't care about it. They're just saying whatever they want to say.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure the people of Thailand in the videos that I've been seeing are they don't care about N. They don't care about HH. They don't care about the R word. They don't care about it. They're just saying whatever they want to say.
But here's the thing. To their benefit, perhaps they don't even know the lyrics, and like you said, it's so catchy that they're just into the beat.
But here's the thing. To their benefit, perhaps they don't even know the lyrics, and like you said, it's so catchy that they're just into the beat.
I want to give the people of Thailand the benefit of the doubt.
I want to give the people of Thailand the benefit of the doubt.
Oh, no. He's Diamond. He's Diamond. Oh. Which is insane. Shit. Yeah. But back to your earlier assessment of a 90s lover. Yeah. Here's the thing.
Oh, no. He's Diamond. He's Diamond. Oh. Which is insane. Shit. Yeah. But back to your earlier assessment of a 90s lover. Yeah. Here's the thing.
I don't know, though, because I think if you live there, you will be paid $8 a day.
I don't know, though, because I think if you live there, you will be paid $8 a day.
Oh, yeah, that vibes.
Oh, yeah, that vibes.
I think about that every time I go to any country that's not America.
I think about that every time I go to any country that's not America.
No, I think you get rich there, too.
No, I think you get rich there, too.
I had a matcha latte right before this, and it was $8. Disgusting. And I tipped, so it was $9, which is the cost of literally 11 Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
I had a matcha latte right before this, and it was $8. Disgusting. And I tipped, so it was $9, which is the cost of literally 11 Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
That's too much. It's crazy. I miss when gas prices were $1.19. And packs of cigarettes were $2.25, brother. Let's bring it back. Would you say that that was... Actually, I saw this Instagram AI video of like... It's like you just walked into your parents' house and it's 1998. And it... Oh, my God. Just watching that, I was like, God, this feels so good. Dude, just... It's so comfortable.
That's too much. It's crazy. I miss when gas prices were $1.19. And packs of cigarettes were $2.25, brother. Let's bring it back. Would you say that that was... Actually, I saw this Instagram AI video of like... It's like you just walked into your parents' house and it's 1998. And it... Oh, my God. Just watching that, I was like, God, this feels so good. Dude, just... It's so comfortable.
Everything was more interesting in the 90s than it is today.
Everything was more interesting in the 90s than it is today.
What the hell happened?
What the hell happened?
It just made it more capitalism and less vibes. Yeah. In the recovery period, I think everyone was like, we're going to be the strongest country in the world by consumerism.
It just made it more capitalism and less vibes. Yeah. In the recovery period, I think everyone was like, we're going to be the strongest country in the world by consumerism.
That's sick. Fuck it. They were living in the moment, dude. I like that.
That's sick. Fuck it. They were living in the moment, dude. I like that.
I'll just use an example of like, let's just use a living room. Okay. Let's use a coffee shop.
I'll just use an example of like, let's just use a living room. Okay. Let's use a coffee shop.
That's great. Think about how happy everyone was. And then in the 90s, you reaped the benefits of what you sowed in the 80s and you had a huge basement with carpet and fucking awesome movies and just hung out all day. I know. So what's the answer? What do we do now? I don't know, dude. I'm at a loss for words.
That's great. Think about how happy everyone was. And then in the 90s, you reaped the benefits of what you sowed in the 80s and you had a huge basement with carpet and fucking awesome movies and just hung out all day. I know. So what's the answer? What do we do now? I don't know, dude. I'm at a loss for words.
We sell wood paneling.
We sell wood paneling.
1993 Toyota Corollas on every corner.
1993 Toyota Corollas on every corner.
That beautiful Dodge Grand Caravan.
That beautiful Dodge Grand Caravan.
Beautiful car.
Beautiful car.
I think I want to start being more 90s inspired beyond my fashion choices. I think I want to live like that.
I think I want to start being more 90s inspired beyond my fashion choices. I think I want to live like that.
Like right now, a coffee shop looks like Blank Street Coffee and Blue Bottle. Yeah, but okay. But it's just white.
Like right now, a coffee shop looks like Blank Street Coffee and Blue Bottle. Yeah, but okay. But it's just white.
But then it goes away?
But then it goes away?
After, like, 30 minutes?
After, like, 30 minutes?
I just remember feeling— I bought that business, baby. I bought that business.
I just remember feeling— I bought that business, baby. I bought that business.
Honestly, I'm coming around to that idea because I remember coming home to my computer and I was like the warm embrace and glow of the screen and playing The Sims and spending countless hours downloading legal music was nice. I definitely didn't have to do it on the go.
Honestly, I'm coming around to that idea because I remember coming home to my computer and I was like the warm embrace and glow of the screen and playing The Sims and spending countless hours downloading legal music was nice. I definitely didn't have to do it on the go.
Oh, when was the last time you pooped without your phone, though?
Oh, when was the last time you pooped without your phone, though?
It was good. It was good. Do you get Wi-Fi on airplanes? Or are you a watch the movies kind of guy?
It was good. It was good. Do you get Wi-Fi on airplanes? Or are you a watch the movies kind of guy?
God, I'm so close. I live in airports. How are you diamond? Do you get upgraded a lot?
God, I'm so close. I live in airports. How are you diamond? Do you get upgraded a lot?
Yeah, they're modern. Well, pick another coffee shop chain.
Yeah, they're modern. Well, pick another coffee shop chain.
Oh, that's so sick, dude. You just went up about five percentage points in my book.
Oh, that's so sick, dude. You just went up about five percentage points in my book.
Me and Dale are lounge guys. We're lounge buddies. Dale and I have been in the lounge.
Me and Dale are lounge guys. We're lounge buddies. Dale and I have been in the lounge.
Oh, you skip the lounge.
Oh, you skip the lounge.
That's nice.
That's nice.
But that's because you're at the airport so much.
But that's because you're at the airport so much.
I have a friend that's sick and disgusting, and he goes to the lounge after his flights. That's crazy. I know. He'll land at JFK or LGA after a fucking long-ass flight, and I'll fly with him sometimes, and he's like, I want to stop at the lounge. I'm like, for what? He's like, get her a little snack. I was like, fuck you. You're 38 years old. We can make it to your home.
I have a friend that's sick and disgusting, and he goes to the lounge after his flights. That's crazy. I know. He'll land at JFK or LGA after a fucking long-ass flight, and I'll fly with him sometimes, and he's like, I want to stop at the lounge. I'm like, for what? He's like, get her a little snack. I was like, fuck you. You're 38 years old. We can make it to your home.
My brother. Fine. Let's use McDonald's or Taco Bell or Burger King. Where do you eat? You eat at all three of those.
My brother. Fine. Let's use McDonald's or Taco Bell or Burger King. Where do you eat? You eat at all three of those.
I love Delta. I think Delta has the best customer service in the world out of any company, not just airlines.
I love Delta. I think Delta has the best customer service in the world out of any company, not just airlines.
These days you walk into a McDonald's and it feels like you're in a fucking MoMA store. It's like the gift shop of a museum. There's not comfortable. It's literally metal and white and other shades of gray. The seating area is uncomfortable. They don't want you to stay. You order a screen. There's no Riz. Absolutely no Riz. When we were in the 90s, dude, McDonald's had fucking Riz.
These days you walk into a McDonald's and it feels like you're in a fucking MoMA store. It's like the gift shop of a museum. There's not comfortable. It's literally metal and white and other shades of gray. The seating area is uncomfortable. They don't want you to stay. You order a screen. There's no Riz. Absolutely no Riz. When we were in the 90s, dude, McDonald's had fucking Riz.
I don't want to scroll anymore. It's not good.
I don't want to scroll anymore. It's not good.
It's really crazy. The older I've gotten, the more I have tried to fix my problems. And I'm seeing this is why old guys are so annoying and awful. Explain yourself. What do you mean? They go take it or leave it. I have some annoying tendencies. I have a couple of things that I'm like, I shouldn't be like this. But I don't fix it. I just go, that's who I am. I give myself a pass.
It's really crazy. The older I've gotten, the more I have tried to fix my problems. And I'm seeing this is why old guys are so annoying and awful. Explain yourself. What do you mean? They go take it or leave it. I have some annoying tendencies. I have a couple of things that I'm like, I shouldn't be like this. But I don't fix it. I just go, that's who I am. I give myself a pass.
And that's kind of how I got fat. Right. Because I was like, I deserve burgers and chicken tenders whenever I feel like it.
And that's kind of how I got fat. Right. Because I was like, I deserve burgers and chicken tenders whenever I feel like it.
That's how I got disgusting.
That's how I got disgusting.
That's how I got disgusting. I honestly looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, I look like Michael Moore. Wow. Or Guillermo del Toro, who's even maybe more chunky.
That's how I got disgusting. I honestly looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, I look like Michael Moore. Wow. Or Guillermo del Toro, who's even maybe more chunky.
About yourself.
About yourself.
Wait, who's Chaz Bono? Look up Chaz Bono. Oh, my God. No, not. I remember that guy. You don't look like Chaz Bono. My belly does.
Wait, who's Chaz Bono? Look up Chaz Bono. Oh, my God. No, not. I remember that guy. You don't look like Chaz Bono. My belly does.
I was reading that the foods... I was talking to Stavros, I think, and he was like, dude, the food is more addictive than the drugs sometimes and the alcohol. If you get in the habit of eating McDonald's, really get into it, that's part of your life.
I was reading that the foods... I was talking to Stavros, I think, and he was like, dude, the food is more addictive than the drugs sometimes and the alcohol. If you get in the habit of eating McDonald's, really get into it, that's part of your life.
Yeah, you just turn fat and your arteries get clogged up and your brain gets a little dumber.
Yeah, you just turn fat and your arteries get clogged up and your brain gets a little dumber.
Wait, what kind of drugs were you addicted to?
Wait, what kind of drugs were you addicted to?
Wow, straight alcoholic guy.
Wow, straight alcoholic guy.
Can you imagine what you're saying? Do you hear what you're saying right now?
Can you imagine what you're saying? Do you hear what you're saying right now?
What'd you fill it with? Cum.
What'd you fill it with? Cum.
Another man. Oh, so that's when you realize that you're bisexual.
Another man. Oh, so that's when you realize that you're bisexual.
And how cool does that sound?
And how cool does that sound?
That little poopy little device?
That little poopy little device?
That little sexy little device?
That little sexy little device?
And I can just fuck it? Wait, no. Sorry about that.
And I can just fuck it? Wait, no. Sorry about that.
Yeah, I got the new one that has the pocket pussy in it. It's really big, but it's worth it.
Yeah, I got the new one that has the pocket pussy in it. It's really big, but it's worth it.
Yeah, dude, it has a self-suck machine. It's really awesome. You don't even have to fuck it. It just sucks.
Yeah, dude, it has a self-suck machine. It's really awesome. You don't even have to fuck it. It just sucks.
It's fucking lit. Are you kidding me, dude? And Pizza Hut, the inside of Pizza Hut, yeah, see how you just said fuck yeah? Yeah, yeah. See, it's like you're releasing all of the tension out of your asshole. Yes. Like your asshole was tense and now that you're thinking about Pizza Hut in the 90s, your asshole has kind of let go a little bit.
It's fucking lit. Are you kidding me, dude? And Pizza Hut, the inside of Pizza Hut, yeah, see how you just said fuck yeah? Yeah, yeah. See, it's like you're releasing all of the tension out of your asshole. Yes. Like your asshole was tense and now that you're thinking about Pizza Hut in the 90s, your asshole has kind of let go a little bit.
saying to hold up my phone what is that auto blow oh my god the auto blow ai ultra e and e and with jordan for 50 off the auto blow ai ultra wait okay we're starting over here so there's a there's a box on your coffee table for a product called the auto blow ai ultra Yes. My number one, my first question is. Is the box open or is it still in the plastic?
saying to hold up my phone what is that auto blow oh my god the auto blow ai ultra e and e and with jordan for 50 off the auto blow ai ultra wait okay we're starting over here so there's a there's a box on your coffee table for a product called the auto blow ai ultra Yes. My number one, my first question is. Is the box open or is it still in the plastic?
It's still in the plastic and there's a candle on top of it. Thank you. Yes. But my first question is, does AI stand for artificial intelligence?
It's still in the plastic and there's a candle on top of it. Thank you. Yes. But my first question is, does AI stand for artificial intelligence?
I don't fucking know. What is an auto blow?
I don't fucking know. What is an auto blow?
Because I wouldn't know, man. Wait, what is the autoblow? I'm Googling this right now if you don't tell me in the next four seconds.
Because I wouldn't know, man. Wait, what is the autoblow? I'm Googling this right now if you don't tell me in the next four seconds.
Oh, it's literally called a blowjob machine.
Oh, it's literally called a blowjob machine.
Wait, so you're sponsored by the cum sucker machine? Dude, we're sponsored by that. We're sponsored by Cash App. We're sponsored by Blue Chew. Wait, I'm looking at the videos and GIFs on this website. They are unbelievable.
Wait, so you're sponsored by the cum sucker machine? Dude, we're sponsored by that. We're sponsored by Cash App. We're sponsored by Blue Chew. Wait, I'm looking at the videos and GIFs on this website. They are unbelievable.
It's crazy. That thing has incredible suction. I mean, it sells itself, Kareem. The suction is so good, it's able to pick up a hammer from a table. Oh, wait, what are you doing? Wait, why is Dale? You have one? Put it away, Dale. Wait, are you assembling it? What is that? Oh, no. What is that?
It's crazy. That thing has incredible suction. I mean, it sells itself, Kareem. The suction is so good, it's able to pick up a hammer from a table. Oh, wait, what are you doing? Wait, why is Dale? You have one? Put it away, Dale. Wait, are you assembling it? What is that? Oh, no. What is that?
oh my god that is so sick that's a real sound effect guys that's that's practical effects yeah wait so is there really a promo code let's plug it yeah i think it's um i think it's promo code ska ska let me try it out i kind of want to
oh my god that is so sick that's a real sound effect guys that's that's practical effects yeah wait so is there really a promo code let's plug it yeah i think it's um i think it's promo code ska ska let me try it out i kind of want to
Wait, look at all. So the AI, there's an AI plus, there's an AI ultra, which is the most popular. Yeah. Oh, I see what the AI is. You know what it does? I'm selling this product for you. What's the AI do, Kareem? Syncs, S-Y-N-C-S, syncs with erotic films. Feel what you see.
Wait, look at all. So the AI, there's an AI plus, there's an AI ultra, which is the most popular. Yeah. Oh, I see what the AI is. You know what it does? I'm selling this product for you. What's the AI do, Kareem? Syncs, S-Y-N-C-S, syncs with erotic films. Feel what you see.
Wait, look at this. They have, yes, your prostate is up your butt. Here's why it's worth it. They have a prostate massager. Well, I didn't know about that. Oh, look at the pros of a prostate massage. Shoot semen even further than before.
Wait, look at this. They have, yes, your prostate is up your butt. Here's why it's worth it. They have a prostate massager. Well, I didn't know about that. Oh, look at the pros of a prostate massage. Shoot semen even further than before.
Shooting ropes, spraying rope. Wow, that's so cool. I'm really interested in getting sucked by one of these machines. I mean, look, man. Can I come over later? Come on.
Shooting ropes, spraying rope. Wow, that's so cool. I'm really interested in getting sucked by one of these machines. I mean, look, man. Can I come over later? Come on.
Dead stock, bro. It's dead stock. Wait, and is it a mouth or a pussy? I guess pussies don't suck. They only are there. Well, let me tell you.
Dead stock, bro. It's dead stock. Wait, and is it a mouth or a pussy? I guess pussies don't suck. They only are there. Well, let me tell you.
Wait, I'm so obsessed with this, dude. They have something called the nuts nibbler. Can I tell you, you've done more research on this product than I ever have. Dude, look at this. These people are so funny because the names of the products, I think they have a sense of humor. There's a product on here called the Auto Milker, the Vibrating Penis Milker.
Wait, I'm so obsessed with this, dude. They have something called the nuts nibbler. Can I tell you, you've done more research on this product than I ever have. Dude, look at this. These people are so funny because the names of the products, I think they have a sense of humor. There's a product on here called the Auto Milker, the Vibrating Penis Milker.
And that's what the 90s was like. It was a place to relax and enjoy the fruit of your labor. You made some money. You bought a big house. You could buy a big house.
And that's what the 90s was like. It was a place to relax and enjoy the fruit of your labor. You made some money. You bought a big house. You could buy a big house.
Dude, I mean, I'm just, I'm honestly, I can't even pay attention right now because the penis milker is so sick.
Dude, I mean, I'm just, I'm honestly, I can't even pay attention right now because the penis milker is so sick.
wait you know it'd be cool if you made that into like the billy bass the fish oh you should you should make that a robotic whatever that thing is what is that creature it doesn't look like a vagina the loudmouth billy bass yeah but make that little thing that you have into a loudmouth billy puss hang it up in your fucking i should put it on this guy Oh, that guy. No, that guy deserves to live.
wait you know it'd be cool if you made that into like the billy bass the fish oh you should you should make that a robotic whatever that thing is what is that creature it doesn't look like a vagina the loudmouth billy bass yeah but make that little thing that you have into a loudmouth billy puss hang it up in your fucking i should put it on this guy Oh, that guy. No, that guy deserves to live.
Someone just sent me that. For the listeners at home. Is that a you? That's a you. Someone made a me doll. That's so cute. Is that nice? That's a fan? Yeah. Oh, dude, you have fans?
Someone just sent me that. For the listeners at home. Is that a you? That's a you. Someone made a me doll. That's so cute. Is that nice? That's a fan? Yeah. Oh, dude, you have fans?
No, 14. Coming up on 15 in February next year. How's that feeling? Are you feeling good?
No, 14. Coming up on 15 in February next year. How's that feeling? Are you feeling good?
That's perspective. That's a nice way to put it.
That's perspective. That's a nice way to put it.
Yes. And you could just sit and have a nice family meal at Pizza Hut and spend 25 bucks maybe. And now... It's gone.
Yes. And you could just sit and have a nice family meal at Pizza Hut and spend 25 bucks maybe. And now... It's gone.
Oh, people were in their car? And how did they hear you?
Oh, people were in their car? And how did they hear you?
That sounds awful. But look. I know.
That sounds awful. But look. I know.
Kill me. But it was probably amazing for the audience. I'm not going to lie. That's like a drive-in movie. It's not the best quality, but it's fucking fun.
Kill me. But it was probably amazing for the audience. I'm not going to lie. That's like a drive-in movie. It's not the best quality, but it's fucking fun.
Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. I want to get to this portion called Takes on Takes.
Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. I want to get to this portion called Takes on Takes.
Where I ask you questions about other people's takes and you tell me if you 100% agree or 100% disagree.
Where I ask you questions about other people's takes and you tell me if you 100% agree or 100% disagree.
I think Republicans should have their own bathrooms.
I think Republicans should have their own bathrooms.
Well, I did hear another funny take of our Republicans, which is that if they get hair transplants or do steroids, they're doing gender-affirming surgery or treatment. Hilarious.
Well, I did hear another funny take of our Republicans, which is that if they get hair transplants or do steroids, they're doing gender-affirming surgery or treatment. Hilarious.
Cantankerous, that's a good word. Thank you. I think there should be no more group chats. Abolish group chats. Wow.
Cantankerous, that's a good word. Thank you. I think there should be no more group chats. Abolish group chats. Wow.
No, not even a slide. And it's not even just about the playground. Even the characters, they used to have Grimace, and now he's only available when they made that Grimace shake. Yeah. Even Ronald McDonald was more prominent, and then the Happy Meals were filled with big, nice toys. Now they're just pieces of shit.
No, not even a slide. And it's not even just about the playground. Even the characters, they used to have Grimace, and now he's only available when they made that Grimace shake. Yeah. Even Ronald McDonald was more prominent, and then the Happy Meals were filled with big, nice toys. Now they're just pieces of shit.
Here is proof. Wait, why do you kill the group chat? Just because you're like, you want to be the center of attention?
Here is proof. Wait, why do you kill the group chat? Just because you're like, you want to be the center of attention?
What is your favorite group chat called? What's the name? Retard. Simple. Simple, easy to remember. Beautiful. Who's in that one?
What is your favorite group chat called? What's the name? Retard. Simple. Simple, easy to remember. Beautiful. Who's in that one?
here's oh dan i love your new self tape and it's some guy with like some mental disorder like screaming at the camera i like those videos like i like the weirder like do you get served up those videos of like a guy in pakistan who's like making falafel in oil in oil that hasn't been changed in 150 years those are sick yeah i mean let me let me just send see the last one i sent
here's oh dan i love your new self tape and it's some guy with like some mental disorder like screaming at the camera i like those videos like i like the weirder like do you get served up those videos of like a guy in pakistan who's like making falafel in oil in oil that hasn't been changed in 150 years those are sick yeah i mean let me let me just send see the last one i sent
Aren't you into wrestling? I thought you were.
Aren't you into wrestling? I thought you were.
You're not a wrestling god.
You're not a wrestling god.
As a Midwesterner, I think ranch can go on anything. Super spicy. Totally agree. Totally agree. I agree too. Name something you wouldn't put ranch on right now. My auto suck 1000.
As a Midwesterner, I think ranch can go on anything. Super spicy. Totally agree. Totally agree. I agree too. Name something you wouldn't put ranch on right now. My auto suck 1000.
Ranch is great. I feel like it's severely underrated.
Ranch is great. I feel like it's severely underrated.
Just dipping spaghetti in ranch. Are you a ranch or blue cheese guy? Oh, if I'm getting a salad or wings... Blue cheese. Ranch is a good dip. I don't eat it as the main flavor.
Just dipping spaghetti in ranch. Are you a ranch or blue cheese guy? Oh, if I'm getting a salad or wings... Blue cheese. Ranch is a good dip. I don't eat it as the main flavor.
Oh, I love sucking women's fingers. And toes. You a toe guy?
Oh, I love sucking women's fingers. And toes. You a toe guy?
Look, you convinced me.
Look, you convinced me.
You're like, I don't want you to lube up your feet in fucking ranch so I can stick my dick in between them. Yeah. Yeah.
You're like, I don't want you to lube up your feet in fucking ranch so I can stick my dick in between them. Yeah. Yeah.
Last time I did that. Remember that one time that you did my comedy show at the diner and that one girl, you thought she was in love with you? Oh, outside. That super babe? Yeah. But I think she was in love with me.
Last time I did that. Remember that one time that you did my comedy show at the diner and that one girl, you thought she was in love with you? Oh, outside. That super babe? Yeah. But I think she was in love with me.
Oh, you were there too?
Oh, you were there too?
I know. She was randomly there.
I know. She was randomly there.
Don't you remember, Ian, I texted you and I was like, holy shit, the girl. No, I gave her your information, I think.
Don't you remember, Ian, I texted you and I was like, holy shit, the girl. No, I gave her your information, I think.
The 90s are warm.
The 90s are warm.
Oh, and then you found her.
Oh, and then you found her.
That's what you do for your boys.
That's what you do for your boys.
You know, when I was in your basement and your friend Jordan was harassing me,
You know, when I was in your basement and your friend Jordan was harassing me,
You weren't a very good wingman then.
You weren't a very good wingman then.
So even when Jordan was being abusive towards me, you were just like, I'm going to let her cook.
So even when Jordan was being abusive towards me, you were just like, I'm going to let her cook.
Yeah, she was going pretty far, and I wasn't offended, but I was scared of her. Many people are. She's really scary. Very, very scary, but it works in her favor. I don't know if it does. Oh, it does. People love her. She's so scary, though. But she has a nice, warm... When I made her smile, I felt really good about myself.
Yeah, she was going pretty far, and I wasn't offended, but I was scared of her. Many people are. She's really scary. Very, very scary, but it works in her favor. I don't know if it does. Oh, it does. People love her. She's so scary, though. But she has a nice, warm... When I made her smile, I felt really good about myself.
You have the best energy. I love you. I'm so happy we met.
You have the best energy. I love you. I'm so happy we met.
Well, I think that's a pretty good place to end this. Yeah, this was great. We'll have you back on the show, on the Instagram show, so you can redeem yourself. Totally redeem yourself. Oh, God, don't cut that part out. Keep it. Keep it. Incredible film. You totally redeemed yourself. Oh, God. Cut it out.
Well, I think that's a pretty good place to end this. Yeah, this was great. We'll have you back on the show, on the Instagram show, so you can redeem yourself. Totally redeem yourself. Oh, God, don't cut that part out. Keep it. Keep it. Incredible film. You totally redeemed yourself. Oh, God. Cut it out.
Yeah, but I haven't seen it in a long time. I think I might re-watch it tonight. I would re-watch it.
Yeah, but I haven't seen it in a long time. I think I might re-watch it tonight. I would re-watch it.
You know, I don't know because aging is weird. I only look back. I don't look back on the millennium. I don't look back on the 10s, really.
You know, I don't know because aging is weird. I only look back. I don't look back on the millennium. I don't look back on the 10s, really.
Wait, I'll re-watch it tonight, too. We can text each other.
Wait, I'll re-watch it tonight, too. We can text each other.
It's a great movie.
It's a great movie.
No, movie club chat, but we have to watch the movies together.
No, movie club chat, but we have to watch the movies together.
No, no, that's what we're going to watch, though.
No, no, that's what we're going to watch, though.
We're going to watch the classics. I'll watch it tonight. I'll text you. We're going to call it Classic Man Movie Club. All right. The CMCM.
We're going to watch the classics. I'll watch it tonight. I'll text you. We're going to call it Classic Man Movie Club. All right. The CMCM.
Yeah, CMMC at the CMMC. It's fun to watch at the CMMC. We can get cool jackets and trucker hats. I mean, I'm already wearing a trucker hat, so you know I'm in. I just bought one. Perfect. Yeah, I just bought a new one.
Yeah, CMMC at the CMMC. It's fun to watch at the CMMC. We can get cool jackets and trucker hats. I mean, I'm already wearing a trucker hat, so you know I'm in. I just bought one. Perfect. Yeah, I just bought a new one.
Thank you very much for staying, for coming. Ian Fidance, everyone. Where can people find you, Ian?
Thank you very much for staying, for coming. Ian Fidance, everyone. Where can people find you, Ian?
There we fucking go. Thank you so much. Thank you, fellas. Love you. Goodbye. Have a wonderful day. Enjoy Sarah Silverman. Or wait, not Sarah Silverman. I'll enjoy that too, brother. She's in the film. See you guys. Peace.
There we fucking go. Thank you so much. Thank you, fellas. Love you. Goodbye. Have a wonderful day. Enjoy Sarah Silverman. Or wait, not Sarah Silverman. I'll enjoy that too, brother. She's in the film. See you guys. Peace.
I wasn't even here.
I wasn't even here.
Fun fact, he just started about three months ago. Andrew, how's it going?
Fun fact, he just started about three months ago. Andrew, how's it going?
Yeah, I mean, not anymore because you move upstate.
Yeah, I mean, not anymore because you move upstate.
I know. It's really, really... It's pretty fucking sad. It's an end of an era. Because for those that don't know you, that's kind of where your transformation began.
I know. It's really, really... It's pretty fucking sad. It's an end of an era. Because for those that don't know you, that's kind of where your transformation began.
I went to a third place today.
I went to a third place today.
The Capital One Cafe in Herald Square.
The Capital One Cafe in Herald Square.
No, no, nothing's free. I mean, things are 50% off for Capital One holders, but everyone knows Capital One sucks. So I don't have a card. But it's a safe space. I mean, it's big. Like Starbucks is canceled because they fucking suck and their coffee tastes like shit. And then Blank Street doesn't even have seats. There's like not really a coffee shop.
No, no, nothing's free. I mean, things are 50% off for Capital One holders, but everyone knows Capital One sucks. So I don't have a card. But it's a safe space. I mean, it's big. Like Starbucks is canceled because they fucking suck and their coffee tastes like shit. And then Blank Street doesn't even have seats. There's like not really a coffee shop.
And so when you go to the Herald Square Capital One Cafe, it's the size of a fucking bank.
And so when you go to the Herald Square Capital One Cafe, it's the size of a fucking bank.
And by the way, there's seats. You can hang out. Good music. And they serve third wave coffee.
And by the way, there's seats. You can hang out. Good music. And they serve third wave coffee.
They serve something called Verve.
They serve something called Verve.
It is a band from the 90s.
It is a band from the 90s.
It's mixed.
It's mixed.
I could see that. But look, dude, here's the most important thing. The most important thing is that the coffee's fucking good. The seats are comfortable and big. And there's plenty to go around. It's tables, seats, bar area, everything. The only thing that I will say that I did not like is that they did not have lightning-fast Wi-Fi.
I could see that. But look, dude, here's the most important thing. The most important thing is that the coffee's fucking good. The seats are comfortable and big. And there's plenty to go around. It's tables, seats, bar area, everything. The only thing that I will say that I did not like is that they did not have lightning-fast Wi-Fi.
No, there were a lot of people.
No, there were a lot of people.
There were a lot of people. It was filled. I just happened to get a nice seat that had no table, and it was just a seat that looked out at the window. Oh.
There were a lot of people. It was filled. I just happened to get a nice seat that had no table, and it was just a seat that looked out at the window. Oh.
I was people watching because I had a meeting in the neighborhood and I had a half hour to kill. And I needed to upload Subway Takes videos. So I needed a place to sit. I needed a place to sit and I didn't want to stand in a Starbucks or some other godforsaken disgusting place. So yeah, I went to Capital One Cafe and I uploaded my videos. And it just took a little longer.
I was people watching because I had a meeting in the neighborhood and I had a half hour to kill. And I needed to upload Subway Takes videos. So I needed a place to sit. I needed a place to sit and I didn't want to stand in a Starbucks or some other godforsaken disgusting place. So yeah, I went to Capital One Cafe and I uploaded my videos. And it just took a little longer.
Usually a TikTok video takes...
Usually a TikTok video takes...
30 seconds to upload these ones took about a minute and a half oh god that's crazy that must have totally fucked up your day to lose that extra minute it did it did because it took away from my people watching time but i will say man anyways back to equinox you lost your third space you lost your third space and for those that don't know andrew started his transformation his creative i would say that equinox is what turned you into a producer yeah wait what do you mean by that
30 seconds to upload these ones took about a minute and a half oh god that's crazy that must have totally fucked up your day to lose that extra minute it did it did because it took away from my people watching time but i will say man anyways back to equinox you lost your third space you lost your third space and for those that don't know andrew started his transformation his creative i would say that equinox is what turned you into a producer yeah wait what do you mean by that
Strong body, strong mind.
Strong body, strong mind.
Yeah, you're yoked.
Yeah, you're yoked.
You went from a small to a medium?
You went from a small to a medium?
You wore a t-shirt in the baby photos?
You wore a t-shirt in the baby photos?
After knowing you for about maybe five or six years, knowing that you only had LinkedIn, and then one day you woke up and decided to also have Instagram, I was pretty shocked. Although I think I know the gateway drug is you were logged into the Subway Takes Instagram account.
After knowing you for about maybe five or six years, knowing that you only had LinkedIn, and then one day you woke up and decided to also have Instagram, I was pretty shocked. Although I think I know the gateway drug is you were logged into the Subway Takes Instagram account.
Because it was too tight or too loose?
Because it was too tight or too loose?
What brand are you rocking?
What brand are you rocking?
Oh, what the hell is Brandless? Is that from Target?
Oh, what the hell is Brandless? Is that from Target?
Of course I wouldn't. I'm not a fucking homo.
Of course I wouldn't. I'm not a fucking homo.
Yeah, I'm a homo sapien. Oh, I don't know. That comeback is not cool. Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I'm a homo sapien. Oh, I don't know. That comeback is not cool. Oh, fuck.
I embrace being homo.
I embrace being homo.
I'd be like, yeah, come over here. I'll suck your cock right now. You said that as an elementary school kid on the playground? Of course. Nice. So I can't believe Malou approved... I don't know if you... Do you want to use names or no?
I'd be like, yeah, come over here. I'll suck your cock right now. You said that as an elementary school kid on the playground? Of course. Nice. So I can't believe Malou approved... I don't know if you... Do you want to use names or no?
Okay. I think that's fine. I can't believe that Malou approved a t-shirt and the baby photos. I feel like that's disrespectful to your unborn child.
Okay. I think that's fine. I can't believe that Malou approved a t-shirt and the baby photos. I feel like that's disrespectful to your unborn child.
I mean, you're not wearing a collar.
I mean, you're not wearing a collar.
It's not a time to flex.
It's not a time to flex.
Yeah, but generally speaking, I would say that guys that wear t-shirts are just not as tight.
Yeah, but generally speaking, I would say that guys that wear t-shirts are just not as tight.
We did talk about it in the episode. I have body dysmorphia, and honestly, it is related to t-shirts. Yeah.
We did talk about it in the episode. I have body dysmorphia, and honestly, it is related to t-shirts. Yeah.
Yeah, look at it right here.
Yeah, look at it right here.
T-shirts to me are for boys. You wear shorts too. You're like a boy. You wear shorts and T-shirts. Oh, mommy, I'm going to school. I want to put on my favorite T-shirt.
T-shirts to me are for boys. You wear shorts too. You're like a boy. You wear shorts and T-shirts. Oh, mommy, I'm going to school. I want to put on my favorite T-shirt.
I have nice calves.
I have nice calves.
Here's what I'll say about Dale's t-shirts, though. Dale wears cropped t-shirts sometimes and it looks fucking hard.
Here's what I'll say about Dale's t-shirts, though. Dale wears cropped t-shirts sometimes and it looks fucking hard.
Yo, what's up, guys? We're on our way to go meet up with Cate Blanchett for Subway Takes Uncut. I have no idea what's about to happen. We're meeting on 67th Street, going uptown on the 1 train to 125th. I'm pretty excited because she's one of the greatest actors of all time. Two Oscars, a couple of other awards. I don't know. We're going to see what she has to say. Here it is. So what's your take?
Yo, what's up, guys? We're on our way to go meet up with Cate Blanchett for Subway Takes Uncut. I have no idea what's about to happen. We're meeting on 67th Street, going uptown on the 1 train to 125th. I'm pretty excited because she's one of the greatest actors of all time. Two Oscars, a couple of other awards. I don't know. We're going to see what she has to say. Here it is. So what's your take?
I understand what you're saying.
I understand what you're saying.
Here's the thing, though. Your characters are so—you seem pretty put together.
Here's the thing, though. Your characters are so—you seem pretty put together.
Yeah, as a human being. You seem—you know, you have a history of activism. You've been married for 28 years. You've got kids that are in school and not, you know, chefs. Sorry, chefs. What's wrong with being a chef? I'm just kidding. But your characters are oftentimes... Unhinged. They're a little unhinged, and I would describe them as, like, as slippery.
Yeah, as a human being. You seem—you know, you have a history of activism. You've been married for 28 years. You've got kids that are in school and not, you know, chefs. Sorry, chefs. What's wrong with being a chef? I'm just kidding. But your characters are oftentimes... Unhinged. They're a little unhinged, and I would describe them as, like, as slippery.
Morally slippery, physically slippery. Like, they're hard to grasp. They're like smoke. You know, you want to say, like, I can help you. And... Every time you go like this, they... Slip away. They slip away. That's what I would say the defining role of a Cate Blanchett film is.
Morally slippery, physically slippery. Like, they're hard to grasp. They're like smoke. You know, you want to say, like, I can help you. And... Every time you go like this, they... Slip away. They slip away. That's what I would say the defining role of a Cate Blanchett film is.
Smoky people. You play smoky people. This is the dirtiest outside of a train I've ever been on.
Smoky people. You play smoky people. This is the dirtiest outside of a train I've ever been on.
To go home.
To go home.
Unless you would rather not.
Unless you would rather not.
Not like this.
Not like this.
How's it look? I mean, those look really good on you.
How's it look? I mean, those look really good on you.
Yes. I don't know how these look on me.
Yes. I don't know how these look on me.
That's really disgusting.
That's really disgusting.
So one of your other hot takes is that you don't like when people have smudgy glasses.
So one of your other hot takes is that you don't like when people have smudgy glasses.
Or you're just resting it. No, no, so I massage my thumb. I actually bought this thing from Japan where I massage my thumb. Back to the leaf blower conversation, though. What I've never understood, and somebody brought this up to me the other day, is why do they blow instead of suck?
Or you're just resting it. No, no, so I massage my thumb. I actually bought this thing from Japan where I massage my thumb. Back to the leaf blower conversation, though. What I've never understood, and somebody brought this up to me the other day, is why do they blow instead of suck?
Do you think these ones? Really? Oh my God, young Rami. You were so wrong. Look, Rami tells the truth in any situation.
Do you think these ones? Really? Oh my God, young Rami. You were so wrong. Look, Rami tells the truth in any situation.
No, I don't do anything. I don't even wash my face.
No, I don't do anything. I don't even wash my face.
I don't even wash my face, but I got a zit right before this. You did where? Look at it.
I don't even wash my face, but I got a zit right before this. You did where? Look at it.
You do look fantastic.
You do look fantastic.
I read that you were voted the third... The blind most... This is such a crazy compliment. Yeah, it was the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world. How do you feel about that? Look, I didn't do it. The third most. The third most. And then they also preface it by saying, naturally beautiful.
I read that you were voted the third... The blind most... This is such a crazy compliment. Yeah, it was the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world. How do you feel about that? Look, I didn't do it. The third most. The third most. And then they also preface it by saying, naturally beautiful.
I don't know. I just saw, I read it, and it said, Cate Blanchett was voted the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world in 2004.
I don't know. I just saw, I read it, and it said, Cate Blanchett was voted the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world in 2004.
Was that before or after the Oscars?
Was that before or after the Oscars?
Do you have any plans to win another Oscar?
Do you have any plans to win another Oscar?
That's a lot. That's getting greedy.
That's a lot. That's getting greedy.
It's getting a little greedy.
It's getting a little greedy.
Did you say with your... Chickens. Oh, I thought you said with your gun.
Did you say with your... Chickens. Oh, I thought you said with your gun.
I thought you said you want to be at home with your gun and chickens. I was like, what are you going to do?
I thought you said you want to be at home with your gun and chickens. I was like, what are you going to do?
Oh, your garden.
Oh, your garden.
Do you know about the epidemic that's happening in New York at the moment with Australians?
Do you know about the epidemic that's happening in New York at the moment with Australians?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no. They have settled in New York City.
Oh, no, no, no. They have settled in New York City.
Yeah, because what they bring... is breakfast sandwiches and avocado toast. And what is wrong with this? I just think that the city has enough.
Yeah, because what they bring... is breakfast sandwiches and avocado toast. And what is wrong with this? I just think that the city has enough.
That's in every Australian cafe. Is that the national food?
That's in every Australian cafe. Is that the national food?
Well, you have avocado toast.
Well, you have avocado toast.
One guy sent me a direct message and he said, What's up, man? I'm an Australian living in New York City. I just opened a seven-story bar that I would love to invite you to.
One guy sent me a direct message and he said, What's up, man? I'm an Australian living in New York City. I just opened a seven-story bar that I would love to invite you to.
I think that they fit in. Like they can party. They are buff and sexy usually. They're attractive.
I think that they fit in. Like they can party. They are buff and sexy usually. They're attractive.
They're naturally beautiful people. And I don't know. I think that there's something to them.
They're naturally beautiful people. And I don't know. I think that there's something to them.
Are they all actors? And baristas. They're all actors and baristas.
Are they all actors? And baristas. They're all actors and baristas.
You look so comfortable right now.
You look so comfortable right now.
They call you a strap hangers.
They call you a strap hangers.
I can't. I mean, we're touching. We got to wash our hands.
I can't. I mean, we're touching. We got to wash our hands.
This is one of the dirtier trains I've ever run on.
This is one of the dirtier trains I've ever run on.
I've lived a good life. I've been on the train more hours than the average person. I don't even commute.
I've lived a good life. I've been on the train more hours than the average person. I don't even commute.
Really?
Really?
Like the disgusting bed cover? Yeah.
Like the disgusting bed cover? Yeah.
Well, sorry. How many people are wearing white slippers? Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Oh, wait, am I doing Australian or English?
Well, sorry. How many people are wearing white slippers? Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Oh, wait, am I doing Australian or English?
Sorry, mate.
Sorry, mate.
So you don't live down under anymore?
So you don't live down under anymore?
You live in Greenland?
You live in Greenland?
That's not good.
That's not good.
52nd, I think.
52nd, I think.
That's one of them. I don't remember. I have so many, and they come in and out of my brain very quickly. You know what the real answer is? I don't want to reveal it.
That's one of them. I don't remember. I have so many, and they come in and out of my brain very quickly. You know what the real answer is? I don't want to reveal it.
I gotta go. Goodbye. I'll see you later. Bye.
I gotta go. Goodbye. I'll see you later. Bye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, it's also like a snowblower. Why are we obsessed with blowing?
Well, it's also like a snowblower. Why are we obsessed with blowing?
Everything's blowing, nothing's sucking. I know.
Everything's blowing, nothing's sucking. I know.
Right, right, right. It's pretty terrible. I'm with you 100%. I think most of the population... Is this a problem in, like, Australia? You live in Australia or Britain?
Right, right, right. It's pretty terrible. I'm with you 100%. I think most of the population... Is this a problem in, like, Australia? You live in Australia or Britain?
In Washington, D.C.?
In Washington, D.C.?
Well, it's basically minimum wage these days. I wanted to get your opinion on some of the other takes. Well, yeah, what do you think of my suit? You like my suit? I just got it, actually, for you.
Well, it's basically minimum wage these days. I wanted to get your opinion on some of the other takes. Well, yeah, what do you think of my suit? You like my suit? I just got it, actually, for you.
Well, I thought that the glasses were going to be good camouflage, but now they've become a signature look, so I can't leave the house with glasses on.
Well, I thought that the glasses were going to be good camouflage, but now they've become a signature look, so I can't leave the house with glasses on.
your sunglasses no because i i want so i'm also an actor and a writer and a producer and such and i wanted people to be surprised when they saw me on screen that they would see my eyes and i wouldn't just be the guy from the show you think we wouldn't recognize you on screen because of those glasses oh shit it's you that's good acting yeah that's amazing that's some of my best so this is called takes on takes so these are some takes that uh have been on the show recently we don't need any more podcasts
your sunglasses no because i i want so i'm also an actor and a writer and a producer and such and i wanted people to be surprised when they saw me on screen that they would see my eyes and i wouldn't just be the guy from the show you think we wouldn't recognize you on screen because of those glasses oh shit it's you that's good acting yeah that's amazing that's some of my best so this is called takes on takes so these are some takes that uh have been on the show recently we don't need any more podcasts
Do you 100% agree or disagree?
Do you 100% agree or disagree?
So you're a podcast fan?
So you're a podcast fan?
Do you listen to podcasts?
Do you listen to podcasts?
Oh, you take the tube.
Oh, you take the tube.
I've done this on the tube.
I've done this on the tube.
Yeah, this is technically the world's shortest podcast.
Yeah, this is technically the world's shortest podcast.
Yeah, okay, more podcasts. She's in. Men should have to menstruate once a year.
Yeah, okay, more podcasts. She's in. Men should have to menstruate once a year.
Twice?
Twice?
100% agree. I was in Miami the other day. Yes. I literally saw a guy blowing one leaf. But where was he blowing it?
100% agree. I was in Miami the other day. Yes. I literally saw a guy blowing one leaf. But where was he blowing it?
You can't do twice because what I've learned is that the menstrual cycle lasts the entire month.
You can't do twice because what I've learned is that the menstrual cycle lasts the entire month.
Well, I watched my wife give birth. Let me tell you. I would just not do it. I would say, you know what, I'm just going to not have a kid.
Well, I watched my wife give birth. Let me tell you. I would just not do it. I would say, you know what, I'm just going to not have a kid.
The whole thing?
The whole thing?
Three and a half? Yeah.
Three and a half? Yeah.
Three and a half. Yeah, I mean, I've always known that women were stronger than men. Facts. That is true. But then after you see the physical, like the pregnancy and the birth, I think it's just, you just... Are you okay with blood? I'm okay with blood, but I don't know if I'm okay with the head coming out of the vagina.
Three and a half. Yeah, I mean, I've always known that women were stronger than men. Facts. That is true. But then after you see the physical, like the pregnancy and the birth, I think it's just, you just... Are you okay with blood? I'm okay with blood, but I don't know if I'm okay with the head coming out of the vagina.
I know.
I know.
I don't mind the other stuff. It was really just the body, because it becomes very extraterrestrial.
I don't mind the other stuff. It was really just the body, because it becomes very extraterrestrial.
Easy to please. In that order. All right. Certain compliments mean more coming from certain races. So an example that I gave is that if a black guy tells you you look cool, it means you really, really look very cool.
Easy to please. In that order. All right. Certain compliments mean more coming from certain races. So an example that I gave is that if a black guy tells you you look cool, it means you really, really look very cool.
It doesn't happen.
It doesn't happen.
I've literally never seen it. I live in New York City. I've never seen a black guy dressed poorly, ever.
I've literally never seen it. I live in New York City. I've never seen a black guy dressed poorly, ever.
I think that would be better for me. Well, the highest compliment to come from a black woman is, like, you're cool. Like, not you look cool, but you are cool. You are cool. Yeah. And then people who wear white sneakers don't fuck.
I think that would be better for me. Well, the highest compliment to come from a black woman is, like, you're cool. Like, not you look cool, but you are cool. You are cool. Yeah. And then people who wear white sneakers don't fuck.
No.
No.
No, no, no. I was watching him.
No, no, no. I was watching him.
I literally had no idea what you were going to wear. Can I show you this? This is insane. So I just, on the way over here, I was like, let's just see.
I literally had no idea what you were going to wear. Can I show you this? This is insane. So I just, on the way over here, I was like, let's just see.
People who wear white sneakers do not 100% agree. I used to wear white sneakers. I wasn't him. No. And then I got these hard shoes on.
People who wear white sneakers do not 100% agree. I used to wear white sneakers. I wasn't him. No. And then I got these hard shoes on.
He switched to hard shoes and he became a real fornicator.
He switched to hard shoes and he became a real fornicator.
No.
No.
Oh, that might make it horny. Yeah. Might make it horny. Well, no, I think that's the difference. If you're wearing white shoes with socks, you are not fornicating.
Oh, that might make it horny. Yeah. Might make it horny. Well, no, I think that's the difference. If you're wearing white shoes with socks, you are not fornicating.
He would not. No way. But if you're wearing white sneakers... Do you wear socks? Oh, I wear socks. You wear white socks. I wear long socks, but I'm not wearing a white sneaker.
He would not. No way. But if you're wearing white sneakers... Do you wear socks? Oh, I wear socks. You wear white socks. I wear long socks, but I'm not wearing a white sneaker.
Yeah, I know. Clearly I've been in the bushes before I came here. That means you're a real fornicator. I am.
Yeah, I know. Clearly I've been in the bushes before I came here. That means you're a real fornicator. I am.
This is a revelation for me and something I now understand. And I will go back to him. And say, Kate Blanchett says, if you're wearing dirty white sneakers, it means you're a real fornicator. It's on. How many times do you think I've said real fornicator on this show?
This is a revelation for me and something I now understand. And I will go back to him. And say, Kate Blanchett says, if you're wearing dirty white sneakers, it means you're a real fornicator. It's on. How many times do you think I've said real fornicator on this show?
Of course, I'm a real fornicator. I can say it as many times as you want me to.
Of course, I'm a real fornicator. I can say it as many times as you want me to.
No, I had this thought. I said, whatever happened to Riggs?
No, I had this thought. I said, whatever happened to Riggs?
I would make up a word.
I would make up a word.
I don't know what that is. Tell me the secret of movie making.
I don't know what that is. Tell me the secret of movie making.
I've never heard this before.
I've never heard this before.
Peach. Because it's got the ch at the end. Peach is a horny word. This is turning into a horny podcast. Yeah.
Peach. Because it's got the ch at the end. Peach is a horny word. This is turning into a horny podcast. Yeah.
Or the new show? Black Bag. Tell me about Black Bag. Oh, yes, I'm in the movie. That's why I heard I'm here because of Black Bag.
Or the new show? Black Bag. Tell me about Black Bag. Oh, yes, I'm in the movie. That's why I heard I'm here because of Black Bag.
Are you here for something else?
Are you here for something else?
I think Birkenstocks are one of the sexiest shoes.
I think Birkenstocks are one of the sexiest shoes.
So you're a suspect.
So you're a suspect.
How long have you been married? I've been married for, you know, it's debatable.
How long have you been married? I've been married for, you know, it's debatable.
No, it's debatable because I don't remember. That is really not... It's either three or four years.
No, it's debatable because I don't remember. That is really not... It's either three or four years.
Well, that's because you've gone over 20. Like, after 20... Over the limit. Yeah, no, no. Once you know that you... Once you've been married for 20 years, then you start... It's a miracle. Then you start counting. You go, holy shit, we made it to 20. And then you go, okay, now it's 21, now it's 22. I'm so early on that it seems like it doesn't matter.
Well, that's because you've gone over 20. Like, after 20... Over the limit. Yeah, no, no. Once you know that you... Once you've been married for 20 years, then you start... It's a miracle. Then you start counting. You go, holy shit, we made it to 20. And then you go, okay, now it's 21, now it's 22. I'm so early on that it seems like it doesn't matter.
No. I like to make decisions. I'm a decision maker.
No. I like to make decisions. I'm a decision maker.
I would say we've been married for about a year.
I would say we've been married for about a year.
No, no, no. It literally is a year because we got married when the baby was conceived. We decided to get married. But we were already going to get married. But it just seemed like a really good time to not have our child born in sin. Yes.
No, no, no. It literally is a year because we got married when the baby was conceived. We decided to get married. But we were already going to get married. But it just seemed like a really good time to not have our child born in sin. Yes.
To me, it's something of an insurance policy. What, to get married? Doing, like, some of the religious stuff. I feel like, look, if you have... What religious persuasion is she? We're Muslims. She's recently converted from being a Christian, but being born a Muslim, that got converted by her grandmother.
To me, it's something of an insurance policy. What, to get married? Doing, like, some of the religious stuff. I feel like, look, if you have... What religious persuasion is she? We're Muslims. She's recently converted from being a Christian, but being born a Muslim, that got converted by her grandmother.
Oh.
Oh.
And then she unconverted. Not for me. By her own volition.
And then she unconverted. Not for me. By her own volition.
I said do it every month. Is that a thing? I think they call them a re... Something a re-something. Like you re-enter the thing.
I said do it every month. Is that a thing? I think they call them a re... Something a re-something. Like you re-enter the thing.
That is really a good point.
That is really a good point.
No, no, she re-became a Muslim. She was born Muslim, and then she was converted to Christianity by her grandmother. Oh, I see. And then she came back.
No, no, she re-became a Muslim. She was born Muslim, and then she was converted to Christianity by her grandmother. Oh, I see. And then she came back.
I didn't personally try to bring her back. We were in Turkey, and she went to a mosque.
I didn't personally try to bring her back. We were in Turkey, and she went to a mosque.
And she was like, I like this.
And she was like, I like this.
They are beautiful.
They are beautiful.
Yeah, I'm a mole man. You know, some people would call me a rat in New York City. I'm New York City's most famous subway rat. You need your vitamin D. I do need my vitamin D. That's why I sun myself. I have a question for you. When's the last time you took the New York City subway?
Yeah, I'm a mole man. You know, some people would call me a rat in New York City. I'm New York City's most famous subway rat. You need your vitamin D. I do need my vitamin D. That's why I sun myself. I have a question for you. When's the last time you took the New York City subway?
So you're into the weird stuff that happens?
So you're into the weird stuff that happens?
Well, that's called pretending to read.
Well, that's called pretending to read.
I had once, after I did an episode of the show, a guy came up to us and he chimed in and he was like, well, I think blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes, why are you guys talking into the MetroCards? And we go, oh, we're doing a show.
I had once, after I did an episode of the show, a guy came up to us and he chimed in and he was like, well, I think blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes, why are you guys talking into the MetroCards? And we go, oh, we're doing a show.
He was like, oh, I thought you were just holding – like he thought – he was watching us and he was like, why are these two people having a conversation like this? And he had no idea why. And he thought it was normal. And then he approached us and said, hey, I think – he essentially came and chimed in and said, I think that this take is correct.
He was like, oh, I thought you were just holding – like he thought – he was watching us and he was like, why are these two people having a conversation like this? And he had no idea why. And he thought it was normal. And then he approached us and said, hey, I think – he essentially came and chimed in and said, I think that this take is correct.
Well, my thumb hurts, so I had to convert to this. Because I used to do this. But now this hurts. So now I do this.
Well, my thumb hurts, so I had to convert to this. Because I used to do this. But now this hurts. So now I do this.
And what I would do is like put two senators from each state – he had a whole well-thought-out thing.
And what I would do is like put two senators from each state – he had a whole well-thought-out thing.
Everyone has an opinion.
Everyone has an opinion.
This is Times Square.
This is Times Square.
Do you feel like that is cool? Do you think that you're such a good actor?
Do you feel like that is cool? Do you think that you're such a good actor?
Do you think that you're such a good actor that you can just be on the subway and everyone's like, oh, it's just a lady, just a smart-looking lady?
Do you think that you're such a good actor that you can just be on the subway and everyone's like, oh, it's just a lady, just a smart-looking lady?
So what's your take? This is a note to all restaurants. Stop singing happy birthday to adults. 100% disagree. I'm sorry. I want it. No, no. If you're at a Mexican restaurant and you're making adults sing to you, it's embarrassing for everybody. They're getting paid for it. No, no, no. They're getting paid.
So what's your take? This is a note to all restaurants. Stop singing happy birthday to adults. 100% disagree. I'm sorry. I want it. No, no. If you're at a Mexican restaurant and you're making adults sing to you, it's embarrassing for everybody. They're getting paid for it. No, no, no. They're getting paid.
He has to change himself. Let's just say that. He has to put on different clothes and makeup. He has to be a different person.
He has to change himself. Let's just say that. He has to put on different clothes and makeup. He has to be a different person.
And then the son is like, oh, that guy's awesome. Actually, Mrs. Doubtfire, that's the true Rorschach test of what type of person are you. Are you pro-Robin Williams or are you anti-Robin Williams in that movie? Yeah. It's a real Rorschach test. I don't think I could have a... Of like, hey, are you chill or not?
And then the son is like, oh, that guy's awesome. Actually, Mrs. Doubtfire, that's the true Rorschach test of what type of person are you. Are you pro-Robin Williams or are you anti-Robin Williams in that movie? Yeah. It's a real Rorschach test. I don't think I could have a... Of like, hey, are you chill or not?
kareem run it by people you'd be shocked how many people in act one are like yeah yeah he should be left he should be left you know i've gotten into full debates i've gotten into full debates where people are like they're like no no what sally field was asking was for consistency and i was like when in your life has your dad brought you a fucking zoo You know, in Islam, intention is everything.
kareem run it by people you'd be shocked how many people in act one are like yeah yeah he should be left he should be left you know i've gotten into full debates i've gotten into full debates where people are like they're like no no what sally field was asking was for consistency and i was like when in your life has your dad brought you a fucking zoo You know, in Islam, intention is everything.
We start with intention. What was his intention? Joy. Joy. Pure, unbridled joy. Which, again, as we know, in our dear faith, a smile is sunnah. How many smiles are happening when there's a lava running through your house? How many city ordinances this guy is breaking through just to make his kids happy? You're a basketball fan? Love basketball. Who's your favorite team?
We start with intention. What was his intention? Joy. Joy. Pure, unbridled joy. Which, again, as we know, in our dear faith, a smile is sunnah. How many smiles are happening when there's a lava running through your house? How many city ordinances this guy is breaking through just to make his kids happy? You're a basketball fan? Love basketball. Who's your favorite team?
Every time you sing to a grown adult, it sounds like you're talking to me in italics. I feel embarrassed when they sing. Okay, I feel embarrassed too. Yeah, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed. It's different when you're a kid. For a child, it's affirming. Yes. No, but see, they're children. They deserve, we should sing happy birthday to them. It's not even their birthday.
Every time you sing to a grown adult, it sounds like you're talking to me in italics. I feel embarrassed when they sing. Okay, I feel embarrassed too. Yeah, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed. It's different when you're a kid. For a child, it's affirming. Yes. No, but see, they're children. They deserve, we should sing happy birthday to them. It's not even their birthday.
Sacramento Kings, unfortunately. Because you're from California? I'm from Northern California. Grew up in Davis, yes. And you play basketball? I'm a Hooper, yeah. Are you good? You're tall. I'm decent. Could I beat you? Yes.
Sacramento Kings, unfortunately. Because you're from California? I'm from Northern California. Grew up in Davis, yes. And you play basketball? I'm a Hooper, yeah. Are you good? You're tall. I'm decent. Could I beat you? Yes.
No. Asking someone, are you good, is a loaded question. Am I civilian good? Am I like West Forth pickup? With the dude in khakis and... Would you? Like, dress pants and... That should be a show, by the way.
No. Asking someone, are you good, is a loaded question. Am I civilian good? Am I like West Forth pickup? With the dude in khakis and... Would you? Like, dress pants and... That should be a show, by the way.
The court. The court, yeah. Or hoops. Yeah, hoops.
The court. The court, yeah. Or hoops. Yeah, hoops.
Like when they slam dunk, it's like... But, okay, have you ever played pickup? There's always one person who's like straight up in dress slacks and dress shoes, a white Oxford shirt, just balling. He's just fire. He has a briefcase, just got off work. Well, I'm not going to say... I've had many instances with those people, but they are ungovernable. That's the truth.
Like when they slam dunk, it's like... But, okay, have you ever played pickup? There's always one person who's like straight up in dress slacks and dress shoes, a white Oxford shirt, just balling. He's just fire. He has a briefcase, just got off work. Well, I'm not going to say... I've had many instances with those people, but they are ungovernable. That's the truth.
Like, they don't abide by any rules. A white oxford shirt playing outdoor pickup basketball on freshers is nasty work.
Like, they don't abide by any rules. A white oxford shirt playing outdoor pickup basketball on freshers is nasty work.
The person I'm referring to is a very specific character.
The person I'm referring to is a very specific character.
Strongly disagree. Arm sleeve is cool. Arm sleeve is cool. You just want to disagree?
Strongly disagree. Arm sleeve is cool. Arm sleeve is cool. You just want to disagree?
You just want to disagree with me? Well, as I've gotten older, I'm like, that level of commitment to anything I respect, you know, to be, you know, in your mid-40s and have to suit up like Batman. I think that's uncool. Anything that involves that. That's superhero level prep, you know what I mean?
You just want to disagree with me? Well, as I've gotten older, I'm like, that level of commitment to anything I respect, you know, to be, you know, in your mid-40s and have to suit up like Batman. I think that's uncool. Anything that involves that. That's superhero level prep, you know what I mean?
No.
No.
Like, you lost me at... Okay, so first of all, we have to set up the premise. First of all, number one, for those of you that don't know, djinn are basically spirits, ghosts, demons, the chupacabra, some sort of apparition, right? Yeah. They can be good and or bad. They're like humans. I'm going to side with... I'm going to lean towards, just to be safe...
Like, you lost me at... Okay, so first of all, we have to set up the premise. First of all, number one, for those of you that don't know, djinn are basically spirits, ghosts, demons, the chupacabra, some sort of apparition, right? Yeah. They can be good and or bad. They're like humans. I'm going to side with... I'm going to lean towards, just to be safe...
I feel scared to even ask you what you did. Like, I'm scared. Like, how did I do it?
I feel scared to even ask you what you did. Like, I'm scared. Like, how did I do it?
Just go on Reddit. We don't want to know.
Just go on Reddit. We don't want to know.
That's crazy. That's crazy. Don't you want to experience it? Bro, you have too much free time. You have too much free time. It doesn't take that long. By the way, this is where I know you are a comic deep down. Your desire to subvert expectation is crazy. I wasn't doing it for material. Yeah, but this is, I'm not going to lie, this is the most Caucasian thing you could possibly do. It really is.
That's crazy. That's crazy. Don't you want to experience it? Bro, you have too much free time. You have too much free time. It doesn't take that long. By the way, this is where I know you are a comic deep down. Your desire to subvert expectation is crazy. I wasn't doing it for material. Yeah, but this is, I'm not going to lie, this is the most Caucasian thing you could possibly do. It really is.
Subbing the underworld? Like, that is... Bro, the mayo is messy right now. Like, we do not fuck with the underworld. Leave it alone.
Subbing the underworld? Like, that is... Bro, the mayo is messy right now. Like, we do not fuck with the underworld. Leave it alone.
Okay. So I get they told me not to, but then why did you have to make the spirit partake in sexual acts with you?
Okay. So I get they told me not to, but then why did you have to make the spirit partake in sexual acts with you?
They're just running around. They're running on bucking the streets. Yes, they're gallivanting through the streets of New York. They deserve to be saying happy birthday too. To be an adult and be like, it's my day, you should be sent to Abu Ghraib. So that's my first thing. Okay, let them cook. My second thing... I hope to God that I agree with you on this one.
They're just running around. They're running on bucking the streets. Yes, they're gallivanting through the streets of New York. They deserve to be saying happy birthday too. To be an adult and be like, it's my day, you should be sent to Abu Ghraib. So that's my first thing. Okay, let them cook. My second thing... I hope to God that I agree with you on this one.
The spiritual realm. Okay.
The spiritual realm. Okay.
And apparitions of jinn and ghosts, etc. Yeah. And is now, we have now descended into a conversation about consent.
And apparitions of jinn and ghosts, etc. Yeah. And is now, we have now descended into a conversation about consent.
Don't mess with Jen, and I stand on business on that statement.
Don't mess with Jen, and I stand on business on that statement.
Yeah, but you also... Do you do the Arab version? The Hasan? Yeah, give me some Han. Yeah, Hasan. Hasan. What's next for me is Off With His Head is streaming now on Netflix. My new stand-up comedy special. Off With His Head. Off With His Head. Why are you calling it that?
Yeah, but you also... Do you do the Arab version? The Hasan? Yeah, give me some Han. Yeah, Hasan. Hasan. What's next for me is Off With His Head is streaming now on Netflix. My new stand-up comedy special. Off With His Head. Off With His Head. Why are you calling it that?
This is my third special. The first one was called Homecoming King. Second one was King's Jester. Off With His Head.
This is my third special. The first one was called Homecoming King. Second one was King's Jester. Off With His Head.
It's like Star Wars. It just felt like, you know what I mean? It's like Star Wars. Kind of. Yeah. It's beautiful. Where they did like five, six, and seven. Or was it six, seven, eight? No, they went backwards. Yeah. They started, I think it was episode, was it four, five, six? Four, five, six. Yeah, yeah. They go episode four, five, six, and they're like, it's episode one.
It's like Star Wars. It just felt like, you know what I mean? It's like Star Wars. Kind of. Yeah. It's beautiful. Where they did like five, six, and seven. Or was it six, seven, eight? No, they went backwards. Yeah. They started, I think it was episode, was it four, five, six? Four, five, six. Yeah, yeah. They go episode four, five, six, and they're like, it's episode one.
Starting at episode four is wild.
Starting at episode four is wild.
No one would ever do that today. Imagine being like, you have a series. And you're like, hey, I'm doing a screening of the pilot at the Roxy. We all show up and it's episode four. And you go, you have two choices, keep up or keep up.
No one would ever do that today. Imagine being like, you have a series. And you're like, hey, I'm doing a screening of the pilot at the Roxy. We all show up and it's episode four. And you go, you have two choices, keep up or keep up.
Do you think it's true? No, this is the same way I've heard. Depending on what part of the world you're from, we invented math. There's a lot of people out here claiming math.
Do you think it's true? No, this is the same way I've heard. Depending on what part of the world you're from, we invented math. There's a lot of people out here claiming math.
I could bring a Chinese friend and be like, stop. Get a Chinese friend over here. Get a Chinese friend.
I could bring a Chinese friend and be like, stop. Get a Chinese friend over here. Get a Chinese friend.
I disagree. I just feel like it can get racist really fast. I think you can get raises really fast. I think you're right.
I disagree. I just feel like it can get racist really fast. I think you can get raises really fast. I think you're right.
I think you're right.
I think you're right.
We need to eliminate office birthday cards. 100% agree. Okay? You know when they're passing it around and they're like, oh, it's Carol's birthday. Don't show her. Don't show her.
We need to eliminate office birthday cards. 100% agree. Okay? You know when they're passing it around and they're like, oh, it's Carol's birthday. Don't show her. Don't show her.
Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza? No.
Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza? No.
I agree. I agree with you. Yeah, and I actually think, I mean, personal favorite, like, shout-out to every single dollar-slice spot out here beating inflation.
I agree. I agree with you. Yeah, and I actually think, I mean, personal favorite, like, shout-out to every single dollar-slice spot out here beating inflation.
What is it now? $125,000.
What is it now? $125,000.
We all have a drawer. Come on, dude. Stop.
We all have a drawer. Come on, dude. Stop.
Before you leave the house, you're like, oh, I may need some quarters for my parking meter today. Whether it's $125 or $150, we're safe. You think that's fine? That's fine. That's fine. Outside clothes on the bed are okay. That's wild. I saw that. That's insane. That's absolutely batshit. You know, I agreed with that guy. Yeah, man. I mean, you're losing your moral center here.
Before you leave the house, you're like, oh, I may need some quarters for my parking meter today. Whether it's $125 or $150, we're safe. You think that's fine? That's fine. That's fine. Outside clothes on the bed are okay. That's wild. I saw that. That's insane. That's absolutely batshit. You know, I agreed with that guy. Yeah, man. I mean, you're losing your moral center here.
I'm becoming whiter by the day. No, no, no, but to drag in, you're just like subway, piss stain, hepatitis C infested. Jacket. Jacket.
I'm becoming whiter by the day. No, no, no, but to drag in, you're just like subway, piss stain, hepatitis C infested. Jacket. Jacket.
No, that's insane. That's insane. I'm going to look at my phone. Get down to your undershirt. Minimum. Get down to your undershirt. I think this is like your sweat jacket.
No, that's insane. That's insane. I'm going to look at my phone. Get down to your undershirt. Minimum. Get down to your undershirt. I think this is like your sweat jacket.
This is your cardio sweat jacket. Whatever's underneath that, whether it's a white Hanes tank top or like a t-shirt, that and all I'm asking for is a pair of basketball shorts. From like 10th grade.
This is your cardio sweat jacket. Whatever's underneath that, whether it's a white Hanes tank top or like a t-shirt, that and all I'm asking for is a pair of basketball shorts. From like 10th grade.
Great. You know how you have like a chair? You know how everyone has like a desk and a chair? Lay your outside clothes there. I'm not even going to say fold them and put them away. I'm just like you. I'm not cleaning. I think you can have an outside clothes pile. But the fact that people are just straight up taking denim on a bed. Just from a texture perspective. I'm not going to bed.
Great. You know how you have like a chair? You know how everyone has like a desk and a chair? Lay your outside clothes there. I'm not even going to say fold them and put them away. I'm just like you. I'm not cleaning. I think you can have an outside clothes pile. But the fact that people are just straight up taking denim on a bed. Just from a texture perspective. I'm not going to bed.
You think I'm going to sleep? Okay, the fact that there's people in this country that will wear raw, salvaged denim on a bed, okay? He doesn't. But then be like, gazpacho, ew, the texture and temperature. That's insane. The lack of, I mean...
You think I'm going to sleep? Okay, the fact that there's people in this country that will wear raw, salvaged denim on a bed, okay? He doesn't. But then be like, gazpacho, ew, the texture and temperature. That's insane. The lack of, I mean...
She could give a fuck about everyone's Greyhound bus stall scribble. Also, I don't like Cheryl. I don't like her at all. I don't want to write in her car, though. So I'm going to write like... Who's getting off on HBD exclamation point?
She could give a fuck about everyone's Greyhound bus stall scribble. Also, I don't like Cheryl. I don't like her at all. I don't want to write in her car, though. So I'm going to write like... Who's getting off on HBD exclamation point?
Okay?
Okay?
That's my take on therapy. Okay. Okay, moving on. Let's do this one. The fact that you agreed on outside clothes inside of bed. Bro. Bro, I'm white. I'm not. Egyptians are white.
That's my take on therapy. Okay. Okay, moving on. Let's do this one. The fact that you agreed on outside clothes inside of bed. Bro. Bro, I'm white. I'm not. Egyptians are white.
Or you're other. I think it was Asian Pacific Islander for a long time. That's not even accurate. You're not Asian Pacific Islander. I'm part of the Asian subcontinent. India's part of the Asian subcontinent. But I thought Asian Pacific Islander meant Hawaii. It feels that way. Definitely when you say Asian Pacific Islander, it feels like a Hawaiian shirt.
Or you're other. I think it was Asian Pacific Islander for a long time. That's not even accurate. You're not Asian Pacific Islander. I'm part of the Asian subcontinent. India's part of the Asian subcontinent. But I thought Asian Pacific Islander meant Hawaii. It feels that way. Definitely when you say Asian Pacific Islander, it feels like a Hawaiian shirt.
I literally thought it was Hawaiian this whole time. Yeah. It's not? No. Are you sure you're checking the right box? No, no, no. It's not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Asian Pacific Islander is not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Are you sure you're not checking the right box? AAPI, Asian Pacific Islander, somehow includes, like, Asian Pacific Islander, according to the U.S.
I literally thought it was Hawaiian this whole time. Yeah. It's not? No. Are you sure you're checking the right box? No, no, no. It's not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Asian Pacific Islander is not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Are you sure you're not checking the right box? AAPI, Asian Pacific Islander, somehow includes, like, Asian Pacific Islander, according to the U.S.
Census, is essentially, like, what Genghis Khan thought. Oh, wait. I gotta go. This is my stop. This is your stop? Yeah. Oh, shit. See ya. Bye. Bye.
Census, is essentially, like, what Genghis Khan thought. Oh, wait. I gotta go. This is my stop. This is your stop? Yeah. Oh, shit. See ya. Bye. Bye.
16, I was going to say. Or 18, maybe.
16, I was going to say. Or 18, maybe.
We'll give 16 to the whites. Sweet 16, you guys get that. 16 to 80? I'm saying for us. For us beige folk, we get 0 to 15. Other people get the sweet 16. 16 to 80? Nothing. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be invited. You can't invite me to it.
We'll give 16 to the whites. Sweet 16, you guys get that. 16 to 80? I'm saying for us. For us beige folk, we get 0 to 15. Other people get the sweet 16. 16 to 80? Nothing. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be invited. You can't invite me to it.
Just two moms.
Just two moms.
Okay, that's a good take. I like that. Okay, then 16 to 80, no birthdays. At all. The moment you turn 80, every year we're doing your birthdays are back. Oh, okay. 90, starting at 90, we do half birthdays. Or we just call them alive days. Like you're still trucking. But the fact that there's like 47-year-olds that are like, everyone meet me in the Bahamas. Fuck you.
Okay, that's a good take. I like that. Okay, then 16 to 80, no birthdays. At all. The moment you turn 80, every year we're doing your birthdays are back. Oh, okay. 90, starting at 90, we do half birthdays. Or we just call them alive days. Like you're still trucking. But the fact that there's like 47-year-olds that are like, everyone meet me in the Bahamas. Fuck you.
Get out of here. It's embarrassing for the staff? No, they like it. They hate it. This is why you're a content creator. They fucking hate it. No, they don't. It's embarrassing to them? It's embarrassing to other patrons at the restaurant, and it's embarrassing to the person whose birthday it is.
Get out of here. It's embarrassing for the staff? No, they like it. They hate it. This is why you're a content creator. They fucking hate it. No, they don't. It's embarrassing to them? It's embarrassing to other patrons at the restaurant, and it's embarrassing to the person whose birthday it is.
Kareem, you come out with these bouncy boingy curls. I swear, I don't wash my face. Kareem, you come out here with these beautiful curly sulaks. Why are you flipping this on me all of a sudden?
Kareem, you come out with these bouncy boingy curls. I swear, I don't wash my face. Kareem, you come out here with these beautiful curly sulaks. Why are you flipping this on me all of a sudden?
They don't want to know about my hair because this hair is all natural. All right, I'll just say this. I think there's been big propaganda that's been pushed by the shampoo lobby telling people to over shampoo and condition their hair.
They don't want to know about my hair because this hair is all natural. All right, I'll just say this. I think there's been big propaganda that's been pushed by the shampoo lobby telling people to over shampoo and condition their hair.
I bring this news from my grandparents and my culture and my heritage. Let that oil cook. Let it cook. Let it cook. Let it bake. Let it marinate. Because people who are shampooing every day. Oh, you're just. Destroying. You're destroying all the natural minerals and resources. And resources. You're talking about it like it's the Middle East. You're destroying the natural... Yeah, barrel of oil.
I bring this news from my grandparents and my culture and my heritage. Let that oil cook. Let it cook. Let it cook. Let it bake. Let it marinate. Because people who are shampooing every day. Oh, you're just. Destroying. You're destroying all the natural minerals and resources. And resources. You're talking about it like it's the Middle East. You're destroying the natural... Yeah, barrel of oil.
You know how they talk about the barrel of oil, right? Air is an allegory? Yeah, don't just... You don't want to do that?
You know how they talk about the barrel of oil, right? Air is an allegory? Yeah, don't just... You don't want to do that?
No, I don't even condition. I don't condition. I shampoo, I shampoo, do a condition... Like, after... I gotta do something strenuous. I gotta be like, I gotta come off a... Basketball court. Basketball court. Or just like a Southwest flight landing in LaGuardia. I'm like, yo, shit is grimy. Everything's grimy. So I'll do a full shampoo in condition. But natural?
No, I don't even condition. I don't condition. I shampoo, I shampoo, do a condition... Like, after... I gotta do something strenuous. I gotta be like, I gotta come off a... Basketball court. Basketball court. Or just like a Southwest flight landing in LaGuardia. I'm like, yo, shit is grimy. Everything's grimy. So I'll do a full shampoo in condition. But natural?
I'll come out the shower, do a little towel dry, put a little bit of like coconut oil or a little bit of pomade. We're getting the really good stuff right now. We're getting really good stuff. Put it in. Okay. Let it rot. Okay. Then let nature do its course. Let nature run its course. Don't go out, though. Don't go out. Oh, you have to stay in the house. Just chill. Just vibe.
I'll come out the shower, do a little towel dry, put a little bit of like coconut oil or a little bit of pomade. We're getting the really good stuff right now. We're getting really good stuff. Put it in. Okay. Let it rot. Okay. Then let nature do its course. Let nature run its course. Don't go out, though. Don't go out. Oh, you have to stay in the house. Just chill. Just vibe.
You've got to let it marinate. Let it cook. Let it cook. I don't believe that you— Fire up Hulu. Watch Shogun. Let it cook a little bit. Go to sleep. Right? Oh, this is nighttime? Nighttime, yeah.
You've got to let it marinate. Let it cook. Let it cook. I don't believe that you— Fire up Hulu. Watch Shogun. Let it cook a little bit. Go to sleep. Right? Oh, this is nighttime? Nighttime, yeah.
I am not doing like a— You don't do the morning shower? No, no, no. I'm not doing like an 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. I do a morning shower, but I won't— You do both. I won't touch the— I won't touch up top.
I am not doing like a— You don't do the morning shower? No, no, no. I'm not doing like an 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. I do a morning shower, but I won't— You do both. I won't touch the— I won't touch up top.
Do you have any pets? No, bro. You almost said yes. This is the most offensive thing you could ask me. Why? You know it's mostly pro-cat, anti-everything else. So do you have any cats? We have no cats. You have no cats? We have no cats. I have kids, but I have no cats. Well, what do the kids play with?
Do you have any pets? No, bro. You almost said yes. This is the most offensive thing you could ask me. Why? You know it's mostly pro-cat, anti-everything else. So do you have any cats? We have no cats. You have no cats? We have no cats. I have kids, but I have no cats. Well, what do the kids play with?
They have Legos, they have toys.
They have Legos, they have toys.
You guys, growing up in your house, you guys had animals?
You guys, growing up in your house, you guys had animals?
But he was pro-animal. You guys are Egyptian, right?
But he was pro-animal. You guys are Egyptian, right?
The Oakley's on. I don't know if you're fucking with me. I can't tap into your sincerity.
The Oakley's on. I don't know if you're fucking with me. I can't tap into your sincerity.
So Baba was okay with this? Mama was okay with this?
So Baba was okay with this? Mama was okay with this?
How did you get this bill passed through Congress?
How did you get this bill passed through Congress?
Right. He could see the vision. He's like, pets have better health care.
Right. He could see the vision. He's like, pets have better health care.
You walk home to these just... Yeah, they greet me.
You walk home to these just... Yeah, they greet me.
When people come over, are you torturing the animals?
When people come over, are you torturing the animals?
You're on a train. You're making grown adults sing to you because you're 43 years old? What's the problem with it?
You're on a train. You're making grown adults sing to you because you're 43 years old? What's the problem with it?
Dude, you're wild. You are counterculture. You are wild.
Dude, you're wild. You are counterculture. You are wild.
Yes. Super disrespectful. We love cats. We do love cats. Yeah, we do love cats.
Yes. Super disrespectful. We love cats. We do love cats. Yeah, we do love cats.
That's wild.
That's wild.
How does your brother feel about this?
How does your brother feel about this?
Got it. Yeah, you're supposed to do this with one of your children and be like, my son's middle name is Mustafa in honor of my brother.
Got it. Yeah, you're supposed to do this with one of your children and be like, my son's middle name is Mustafa in honor of my brother.
How is it different? That's less humiliating. What? Bro. The guy's in your mouth. I just turned 39. They sang me happy birthday. Like, I was in the office, like five people brought out a cookie. Your office is not a restaurant. A restaurant, it's worse. It's worse. Hey, are you offended if someone sings? Do you feel bad when they sing happy birthday to you? Hell no. At a restaurant? This is crazy.
How is it different? That's less humiliating. What? Bro. The guy's in your mouth. I just turned 39. They sang me happy birthday. Like, I was in the office, like five people brought out a cookie. Your office is not a restaurant. A restaurant, it's worse. It's worse. Hey, are you offended if someone sings? Do you feel bad when they sing happy birthday to you? Hell no. At a restaurant? This is crazy.
Bro, I'm not good about it.
Bro, I'm not good about it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
They need some work. Yeah, they need some work.
They need some work. Yeah, they need some work.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to. Here's the fucking thing. You thought about it. $500 is a low price. Yeah. Brother. Yeah, but I was about to be like, do you have it in cash? Isn't that weird? The fact that if he had it in, like, crisp $100 bills, I was really considering it. Do you still feel when you hold money, do you ever feel like it's dangerous? I still feel that way. Like you're going to spend it?
I'm not going to. Here's the fucking thing. You thought about it. $500 is a low price. Yeah. Brother. Yeah, but I was about to be like, do you have it in cash? Isn't that weird? The fact that if he had it in, like, crisp $100 bills, I was really considering it. Do you still feel when you hold money, do you ever feel like it's dangerous? I still feel that way. Like you're going to spend it?
Yeah, like when I hold a $20 bill, I'm like, I could get candy with this. You could what? I could get candy with this. What? You don't feel the thrill of danger? Dude, I saw that... Your parents were immigrants, right? Yeah. You don't feel the thrill of, like, I can do anything I want with this? When I have $20. Yeah, when you have, like... Well, now, $50 is a new $20. I need, like, $60.
Yeah, like when I hold a $20 bill, I'm like, I could get candy with this. You could what? I could get candy with this. What? You don't feel the thrill of danger? Dude, I saw that... Your parents were immigrants, right? Yeah. You don't feel the thrill of, like, I can do anything I want with this? When I have $20. Yeah, when you have, like... Well, now, $50 is a new $20. I need, like, $60.
Yeah, I know, $50 is a new $20. But, like, if I actually hold currency, like real USD, from the U.S. Mint, yeah, bro.
Yeah, I know, $50 is a new $20. But, like, if I actually hold currency, like real USD, from the U.S. Mint, yeah, bro.
It just kind of means like, I'm fully committed. You're pop committed. Yeah, and I've accepted the iTunes user agreement. Full acceptance. Full commitment.
It just kind of means like, I'm fully committed. You're pop committed. Yeah, and I've accepted the iTunes user agreement. Full acceptance. Full commitment.
Well, if you're part of the Abrahamic faith, shout out to all the Abrahamic faiths, we're essentially PS3. We're iOS 16. Well, let's keep it PlayStation. Let's keep it to my area. PlayStation 1, obviously. Judaism. Yes. Dope. Shout out to the Torah. Shout out to the Talmud. PS2, Christianity. PS3 just combined it all. This is the best system. Yeah, and we're backwards compatible. That's true.
Well, if you're part of the Abrahamic faith, shout out to all the Abrahamic faiths, we're essentially PS3. We're iOS 16. Well, let's keep it PlayStation. Let's keep it to my area. PlayStation 1, obviously. Judaism. Yes. Dope. Shout out to the Torah. Shout out to the Talmud. PS2, Christianity. PS3 just combined it all. This is the best system. Yeah, and we're backwards compatible. That's true.
Yeah, we're like, oh, you guys, yeah, same. Yeah, we mess with the Bible. Yeah, PS3. You want me to play Gran Turismo 1? I can do it. And PS3 games. Yes, of course. So if you want me to play like NBA 2K14, sure. But if you also want to play, you know, Metal Gear Solid 1, I'll rock with that. We can rock with it. Yeah. When did you get your first PS PlayStation? I got a PlayStation 1.
Yeah, we're like, oh, you guys, yeah, same. Yeah, we mess with the Bible. Yeah, PS3. You want me to play Gran Turismo 1? I can do it. And PS3 games. Yes, of course. So if you want me to play like NBA 2K14, sure. But if you also want to play, you know, Metal Gear Solid 1, I'll rock with that. We can rock with it. Yeah. When did you get your first PS PlayStation? I got a PlayStation 1.
I got a PlayStation 1, 9th grade. Were you a gamer? A little bit. Are you still a gamer? Nah. You're not a gamer? I have a choice. Either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my children grow up. You're like, either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my shows. Well, do you ever do this? Do you ever do this?
I got a PlayStation 1, 9th grade. Were you a gamer? A little bit. Are you still a gamer? Nah. You're not a gamer? I have a choice. Either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my children grow up. You're like, either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my shows. Well, do you ever do this? Do you ever do this?
You go, like, hey, am I going to watch The Sopranos or am I going to watch my childhood?
You go, like, hey, am I going to watch The Sopranos or am I going to watch my childhood?
You have to give me, yeah.
You have to give me, yeah.
Bro, I'm a funny dad. Funny dad? Yeah, I'm super fun, too. I'm a good dad.
Bro, I'm a funny dad. Funny dad? Yeah, I'm super fun, too. I'm a good dad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I fuck up. I actually fuck up order. Oh, you cause chaos. Yeah, governance and rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the wife is a little more... Bro, I'm Mrs. Doubtfire. You know what I'm saying? I come in and it's fun and games. I'm the opening scene in Mrs. Doubtfire. Remember where there's like a zebra and there's pets? Oh yeah, the zoo. And Sally Fields is like, what's going on?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I fuck up. I actually fuck up order. Oh, you cause chaos. Yeah, governance and rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the wife is a little more... Bro, I'm Mrs. Doubtfire. You know what I'm saying? I come in and it's fun and games. I'm the opening scene in Mrs. Doubtfire. Remember where there's like a zebra and there's pets? Oh yeah, the zoo. And Sally Fields is like, what's going on?
Yeah, I'm that. That's so nice. Yeah, remember when Robin Williams has his hat backwards?
Yeah, I'm that. That's so nice. Yeah, remember when Robin Williams has his hat backwards?
Now, did you have a fun time when we were doing the shoot? Did you feel stressed at all? I mean, you guys had something which I really like, which is a damn bodyguard.
Now, did you have a fun time when we were doing the shoot? Did you feel stressed at all? I mean, you guys had something which I really like, which is a damn bodyguard.
It made me feel safe because sometimes I'm like, I should probably at this point, I actually should have one.
It made me feel safe because sometimes I'm like, I should probably at this point, I actually should have one.
I'm a nice guy.
I'm a nice guy.
Because no matter how much... Baby, I could never win.
Because no matter how much... Baby, I could never win.
I have a song about it. It's called Baby, I Could Never Win.
I have a song about it. It's called Baby, I Could Never Win.
Yeah, you could never win. It's about New York? Eh, you know, it's about everything.
Yeah, you could never win. It's about New York? Eh, you know, it's about everything.
What was funny about that moment is that, so a guy, so we were doing, it was me, Abdullah, Sagar, and Asif, and we were doing our subway takes, and I think Sagar was second, and He was second. And then there was a guy who was filming us like a fan on the subway being like, oh, this is cool. It's subway takes. It's happening in front of me. So he's filming it with his phone.
What was funny about that moment is that, so a guy, so we were doing, it was me, Abdullah, Sagar, and Asif, and we were doing our subway takes, and I think Sagar was second, and He was second. And then there was a guy who was filming us like a fan on the subway being like, oh, this is cool. It's subway takes. It's happening in front of me. So he's filming it with his phone.
And then this other guy did not like that that guy was filming us. And he went up to the guy that was filming us and slammed the phone out of his hand, stomped on it, and then exited the train car. And then the guy whose phone was stomped on looks at us and he goes, oh, I'm so sorry I pissed your bodyguard off. Did you catch that part? Yes.
And then this other guy did not like that that guy was filming us. And he went up to the guy that was filming us and slammed the phone out of his hand, stomped on it, and then exited the train car. And then the guy whose phone was stomped on looks at us and he goes, oh, I'm so sorry I pissed your bodyguard off. Did you catch that part? Yes.
It's OK. It's going to turn around, right? Or do we have to get off? Oh, sorry, ladies. OK. I'm so sorry. Thank you.
It's OK. It's going to turn around, right? Or do we have to get off? Oh, sorry, ladies. OK. I'm so sorry. Thank you.
He deserved it.
He deserved it.
You know, I knew when you were going to do the take, I knew that take. I wanted to put you in the best light. I really like you. We've known each other for 12, 15 years, whatever. Long time. You got the shows out. The show's great. Deli Boys. Thank you. And I remember you talking about it six, seven, eight years ago. And I was like, oh, that's a great concept.
You know, I knew when you were going to do the take, I knew that take. I wanted to put you in the best light. I really like you. We've known each other for 12, 15 years, whatever. Long time. You got the shows out. The show's great. Deli Boys. Thank you. And I remember you talking about it six, seven, eight years ago. And I was like, oh, that's a great concept.
And I was like, good luck in the way that like a good luck in Hollywood is a genuine like I'm like literally like I hope you fucking do it because it's so hard.
And I was like, good luck in the way that like a good luck in Hollywood is a genuine like I'm like literally like I hope you fucking do it because it's so hard.
Wow, I made it boring real quick. No, I want to know how it feels to get that show out of your body. Actually, I want to know how it feels to get that phone call that they're going to do it because I chase that feeling all the time. I call it the college acceptance letter. Oh, yeah. I think when you're young, there are quite a few moments in your life where it's a definitive yes or no.
Wow, I made it boring real quick. No, I want to know how it feels to get that show out of your body. Actually, I want to know how it feels to get that phone call that they're going to do it because I chase that feeling all the time. I call it the college acceptance letter. Oh, yeah. I think when you're young, there are quite a few moments in your life where it's a definitive yes or no.
It's just like you're in the college that you want, and there's no concessions. And it's like you're in the college that you want, but... But you can't start until 2027 or whatever. It's just a yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like as an adult, the older you get, the more responsibility that you have, the more concessions there are to everything. There's never like a... You never get...
It's just like you're in the college that you want, and there's no concessions. And it's like you're in the college that you want, but... But you can't start until 2027 or whatever. It's just a yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like as an adult, the older you get, the more responsibility that you have, the more concessions there are to everything. There's never like a... You never get...
everything you want, essentially is what I'm trying to say. There's always a compromise, whether it's in your relationship, in your work, in your this, in your apartment. You can't get the house that you want. Of course not.
everything you want, essentially is what I'm trying to say. There's always a compromise, whether it's in your relationship, in your work, in your this, in your apartment. You can't get the house that you want. Of course not.
God, that's so long.
God, that's so long.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, but that's fire. I mean, you've always known that, like, in the entertainment industry, especially, like, You can't really put your eggs in one basket because there is no fucking basket. There is no basket. You have to be carrying a bunch of eggs with no basket. Literally. You carry six eggs. Six eggs. One's a script. One's a podcast. One's a doc film.
No, but that's fire. I mean, you've always known that, like, in the entertainment industry, especially, like, You can't really put your eggs in one basket because there is no fucking basket. There is no basket. You have to be carrying a bunch of eggs with no basket. Literally. You carry six eggs. Six eggs. One's a script. One's a podcast. One's a doc film.
That is too fucking real. And one by one, they fall out of your arm and break. Bro, this is exactly right. And then one egg makes it and hatches and then you have a fucking TV show.
That is too fucking real. And one by one, they fall out of your arm and break. Bro, this is exactly right. And then one egg makes it and hatches and then you have a fucking TV show.
What the hell is up, Abdullah?
What the hell is up, Abdullah?
That's so funny. But I mean, I think that is the way to try to cobble together some sort of career. I mean, unless you can eat shit sandwiches for like a decade where you're like, no, no, I need to make The Brutalist. Like, that's it. I don't want to make another movie. I need to make the Brutalist.
That's so funny. But I mean, I think that is the way to try to cobble together some sort of career. I mean, unless you can eat shit sandwiches for like a decade where you're like, no, no, I need to make The Brutalist. Like, that's it. I don't want to make another movie. I need to make the Brutalist.
And, like, if you need to make the fucking Brutalist, then that means that you eat shit sandwiches for 10 years. And, like, even when the movie's made, you're like, I'm still poor because I made the Brutalist. Like, then that's, I mean, but that guy probably feels great. Like, he was probably like, yeah, my dream was, you know, they were like, you're going to make $0 from the movie.
And, like, if you need to make the fucking Brutalist, then that means that you eat shit sandwiches for 10 years. And, like, even when the movie's made, you're like, I'm still poor because I made the Brutalist. Like, then that's, I mean, but that guy probably feels great. Like, he was probably like, yeah, my dream was, you know, they were like, you're going to make $0 from the movie.
I'm great. We were just discussing how it's a wonderful day in Manhattan. I'm posted up. The birds are out.
I'm great. We were just discussing how it's a wonderful day in Manhattan. I'm posted up. The birds are out.
And he was like, that's what I wanted. I wanted to, I just wanted to make the Brutalist.
And he was like, that's what I wanted. I wanted to, I just wanted to make the Brutalist.
Yeah. Yeah. A much better metaphor. But you're a dude, man. I'm a dude, though. I'm a bro. I take big old bro shit.
Yeah. Yeah. A much better metaphor. But you're a dude, man. I'm a dude, though. I'm a bro. I take big old bro shit.
We were in Minneapolis recently to play a show with my band Tiny Gun and also to screen the feature film for the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival. And it's funny, we were in an Uber and it ended up being an Egyptian guy. And you know how it goes. I'm sure you see a guy and they start talking to you and all of a sudden it's your fucking uncle, right? It's your dad or your uncle.
We were in Minneapolis recently to play a show with my band Tiny Gun and also to screen the feature film for the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival. And it's funny, we were in an Uber and it ended up being an Egyptian guy. And you know how it goes. I'm sure you see a guy and they start talking to you and all of a sudden it's your fucking uncle, right? It's your dad or your uncle.
And so this guy, I've only known him for seven minutes. And he's like, what do you do? I'm like, oh, well, I'm in town for the band. And then we have a screening tomorrow. And then blah, blah, blah.
And so this guy, I've only known him for seven minutes. And he's like, what do you do? I'm like, oh, well, I'm in town for the band. And then we have a screening tomorrow. And then blah, blah, blah.
Well, here's what I do, uncle. And I tell him these things. And then he's like, oh, well, what do you do? What's your business? I start explaining. And the whole band's in the car, by the way. And eventually, in Arabic, he goes, you're doing too many things. You got to pick one thing. You can't be all these things. Wow.
Well, here's what I do, uncle. And I tell him these things. And then he's like, oh, well, what do you do? What's your business? I start explaining. And the whole band's in the car, by the way. And eventually, in Arabic, he goes, you're doing too many things. You got to pick one thing. You can't be all these things. Wow.
and i just go all right man because i what i really wanted to say was shut the fuck up yeah like you don't you don't mind your own fucking business hey you're driving uber bro who the fuck are you but like but it's people don't understand that this is like it's not like the old days where it's like you're like a pharmacist unless you are a pharmacist but even now if you're a pharmacist you probably also are or are a dj
and i just go all right man because i what i really wanted to say was shut the fuck up yeah like you don't you don't mind your own fucking business hey you're driving uber bro who the fuck are you but like but it's people don't understand that this is like it's not like the old days where it's like you're like a pharmacist unless you are a pharmacist but even now if you're a pharmacist you probably also are or are a dj
what no yeah ceo goldman sachs oh you know what somebody but in the way that like eric adams is a dj right it's no dude no no he gets no he gets booked like currently yeah david solomon known as known as dj diesel bro i fucking hate this guy already That's so annoying.
what no yeah ceo goldman sachs oh you know what somebody but in the way that like eric adams is a dj right it's no dude no no he gets no he gets booked like currently yeah david solomon known as known as dj diesel bro i fucking hate this guy already That's so annoying.
David Solomon, known as DJ Diesel, is an American investment banker and DJ who has been the CEO of Goldman Sachs since October 2018. What the hell?
David Solomon, known as DJ Diesel, is an American investment banker and DJ who has been the CEO of Goldman Sachs since October 2018. What the hell?
That's such a weird thing. He's got to have a side hustle.
That's such a weird thing. He's got to have a side hustle.
The side hustle is being the CEO.
The side hustle is being the CEO.
Right.
Right.
What is investment banking, dude? People, I do not understand. It's gambling. I talk to people. Yeah, but does that mean that anyone could be an investment banker? I guess. I think so.
What is investment banking, dude? People, I do not understand. It's gambling. I talk to people. Yeah, but does that mean that anyone could be an investment banker? I guess. I think so.
We just had probably seven days of shit. It was absolute shit. Rain. You know when it's not even raining? It's not even sprinkling. It's just wet.
We just had probably seven days of shit. It was absolute shit. Rain. You know when it's not even raining? It's not even sprinkling. It's just wet.
Okay, so there were a lot of comments on the take, which I agreed with, by the way, because I have been... I've always been a sensitive guy. I'm a sensitive boy. But I remember that there were times in my life where I would wake up one day at school. And I've had a lot of emotions, not negative ones. I'm silly. I'm jolly. I'm open. I'm vulnerable. I'm okay.
Okay, so there were a lot of comments on the take, which I agreed with, by the way, because I have been... I've always been a sensitive guy. I'm a sensitive boy. But I remember that there were times in my life where I would wake up one day at school. And I've had a lot of emotions, not negative ones. I'm silly. I'm jolly. I'm open. I'm vulnerable. I'm okay.
I used to be friends with a lot of girls when I was in high school because I found that men were too masculine. And I was like... I'm not a pussy, but I don't need to bang my head against a wall or punch something or lift heavy weights. And there were times, though, where I would be like, okay, you know what? Enough with this. I need to become the strong, silent type. Hmm.
I used to be friends with a lot of girls when I was in high school because I found that men were too masculine. And I was like... I'm not a pussy, but I don't need to bang my head against a wall or punch something or lift heavy weights. And there were times, though, where I would be like, okay, you know what? Enough with this. I need to become the strong, silent type. Hmm.
And I would go to school and I would last maybe three hours. I was like, I'm the mysterious guy now. Do you know how silly that is to be in middle school and be like, I'm done, dude. Girls don't like this. I'm going to become the mysterious guy now.
And I would go to school and I would last maybe three hours. I was like, I'm the mysterious guy now. Do you know how silly that is to be in middle school and be like, I'm done, dude. Girls don't like this. I'm going to become the mysterious guy now.
Did I say middle school? I meant 2019. I'm just kidding.
Did I say middle school? I meant 2019. I'm just kidding.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
So you were still cool. You were still cool.
So you were still cool. You were still cool.
Yeah, dude, the biological need to get bitches.
Yeah, dude, the biological need to get bitches.
What the hell is up, y'all? It is Kareem Rahma back with another episode of Subway Takes the Damn podcast. Today I'm joined by Abdullah Saeed, writer and creator of the new show of Deli Boys, now streaming on Hulu. Abdullah came on the show a couple of weeks ago and brought a very intellectually stimulating hot take to the platform.
What the hell is up, y'all? It is Kareem Rahma back with another episode of Subway Takes the Damn podcast. Today I'm joined by Abdullah Saeed, writer and creator of the new show of Deli Boys, now streaming on Hulu. Abdullah came on the show a couple of weeks ago and brought a very intellectually stimulating hot take to the platform.
No, it's literally what every single one of those movies is about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. They're all about the one guy who's a pussy or needs to get laid. All the movies are about being a man, but the definition of man is awful. It's pretty much like a jock piece of shit misogynist. Yeah, exactly. It's no wonder that we're all brain-damaged young men.
No, it's literally what every single one of those movies is about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. They're all about the one guy who's a pussy or needs to get laid. All the movies are about being a man, but the definition of man is awful. It's pretty much like a jock piece of shit misogynist. Yeah, exactly. It's no wonder that we're all brain-damaged young men.
i was in this stew of fucking bad vibes you know one thing that i didn't expect in the comments which which which i was like come on give us a little like give us a little break for once please please as some ladies they were like you know we've been saying this for years and we've been gaslit and silenced until a man says it and now we all agree And I was like, we're making progress, man.
i was in this stew of fucking bad vibes you know one thing that i didn't expect in the comments which which which i was like come on give us a little like give us a little break for once please please as some ladies they were like you know we've been saying this for years and we've been gaslit and silenced until a man says it and now we all agree And I was like, we're making progress, man.
We're trying. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah. Verbatim, women being silenced and gaslit for saying it for years until some men actually listen, say, or approve it.
We're trying. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah. Verbatim, women being silenced and gaslit for saying it for years until some men actually listen, say, or approve it.
And all I kept saying is, I just kept saying, why does it smell like worms? But the worm smell, the problem was the worm smell, dude, the worm smell was in my house. And it was also in a restaurant. I kept saying, it smells like worms.
And all I kept saying is, I just kept saying, why does it smell like worms? But the worm smell, the problem was the worm smell, dude, the worm smell was in my house. And it was also in a restaurant. I kept saying, it smells like worms.
The thing is, it is being mansplained. That is what's funny about it, is that we were mansplaining. Yeah, yeah, we were. We mansplained it.
The thing is, it is being mansplained. That is what's funny about it, is that we were mansplaining. Yeah, yeah, we were. We mansplained it.
But you know what? But you have to do an equation, which is that you had the opportunity to come on this platform and do good or to talk about farts. And I think we did the right thing. I think we did the right thing by talking about something that, you know what? I kind of wish we'd done the farts.
But you know what? But you have to do an equation, which is that you had the opportunity to come on this platform and do good or to talk about farts. And I think we did the right thing. I think we did the right thing by talking about something that, you know what? I kind of wish we'd done the farts.
no no sometimes you gotta put the vegetables in in the candy you know and that's true and as a man you are the candy because you know unfortunately we live in a society where where where men are more perceived as more authoritative literally and so sometimes sometimes you you're like a sleeper cell you have to deliver a message
no no sometimes you gotta put the vegetables in in the candy you know and that's true and as a man you are the candy because you know unfortunately we live in a society where where where men are more perceived as more authoritative literally and so sometimes sometimes you you're like a sleeper cell you have to deliver a message
Well, that's because I'm pretty sure they just feel bad for us. Is that... Well, I'll take it. I'm serious. I think they're just like, they look at you, you've got a little pot belly. They're like, are you pathetic? A middle-aged man is now on his way to becoming like a baby again. They see your little pot belly. Yeah, that's true.
Well, that's because I'm pretty sure they just feel bad for us. Is that... Well, I'll take it. I'm serious. I think they're just like, they look at you, you've got a little pot belly. They're like, are you pathetic? A middle-aged man is now on his way to becoming like a baby again. They see your little pot belly. Yeah, that's true.
They see you kind of mosey on end, like you look like you've had an awful day most of the time. You know, because it's the mundane, it's the mundane midlife. Yeah, you have acid reflux. You probably used to be awesome. You used to skateboard. You used to fucking listen to punk. Now you're hanging out at home watering your plants and listening to Phoenix.
They see you kind of mosey on end, like you look like you've had an awful day most of the time. You know, because it's the mundane, it's the mundane midlife. Yeah, you have acid reflux. You probably used to be awesome. You used to skateboard. You used to fucking listen to punk. Now you're hanging out at home watering your plants and listening to Phoenix.
Now you're essentially almost trans. You have to take testosterone support. I'm on testosterone support. Well, I'm on the testosterone support and the blue shoes. At this point, it's all gender-affirming stuff where I'm like, I'm no longer a guy. I'm just like, I'm waning. I'm waning.
Now you're essentially almost trans. You have to take testosterone support. I'm on testosterone support. Well, I'm on the testosterone support and the blue shoes. At this point, it's all gender-affirming stuff where I'm like, I'm no longer a guy. I'm just like, I'm waning. I'm waning.
Pot-bellied blob. Pot-bellied guys. Right? Just walking around. It's so funny because this is – I always used to joke, and I still do, I guess, that, like – well, now less so, but, like – In probably my mid-20s, which were definitely my golden era. You saw me back then. I was pretty buff. Oh, yeah.
Pot-bellied blob. Pot-bellied guys. Right? Just walking around. It's so funny because this is – I always used to joke, and I still do, I guess, that, like – well, now less so, but, like – In probably my mid-20s, which were definitely my golden era. You saw me back then. I was pretty buff. Oh, yeah.
I was crushing it. I was wearing all black. I had chains and bracelets. I was sick, dude. I was really... I mean, I was...
I was crushing it. I was wearing all black. I had chains and bracelets. I was sick, dude. I was really... I mean, I was...
At the time, it was working. I'll say that much. It's funny because everything, every decision I made in my entire life between the ages of 14 to like 33 was to attract women. Everything. I had no personality. My personality was whatever you want me to be. If you're a Republican and I'm on a date with you, then yes, I'm a libertarian. Fuck it. Oh, wow. You're a real nihilist.
At the time, it was working. I'll say that much. It's funny because everything, every decision I made in my entire life between the ages of 14 to like 33 was to attract women. Everything. I had no personality. My personality was whatever you want me to be. If you're a Republican and I'm on a date with you, then yes, I'm a libertarian. Fuck it. Oh, wow. You're a real nihilist.
Well, when I was a young man, I used to play with worms. I know exactly what they fucking smell like. Also, I'm I'm kind of I'm kind of mashed up. I mean, I don't mash them up. But when I was young, I mean, it was cool that you could literally cut one in half and then it would just be two worms.
Well, when I was a young man, I used to play with worms. I know exactly what they fucking smell like. Also, I'm I'm kind of I'm kind of mashed up. I mean, I don't mash them up. But when I was young, I mean, it was cool that you could literally cut one in half and then it would just be two worms.
I have the standard ideals, which are pretty much the Ten Commandments. If you're a murderer, I'm not going to murder with you. That's a low bar. The standard niceties of no racism, no homophobia, etc. But generally speaking, I was like, oh, let me buy this ring. Because girls love rings. Let me buy this motorcycle. I didn't even like riding a motorcycle. I used to have a motorcycle.
I have the standard ideals, which are pretty much the Ten Commandments. If you're a murderer, I'm not going to murder with you. That's a low bar. The standard niceties of no racism, no homophobia, etc. But generally speaking, I was like, oh, let me buy this ring. Because girls love rings. Let me buy this motorcycle. I didn't even like riding a motorcycle. I used to have a motorcycle.
Dude, what people don't tell you about motorcycles is that it sucks to ride a motorcycle. You're literally in the middle of the street. Exhaust fumes in your face. People spitting on you. People pissing on the motorcycle if you're not using it. Every guy being like, what a loser on a motorcycle. And the worst part is girls don't like motorcycles.
Dude, what people don't tell you about motorcycles is that it sucks to ride a motorcycle. You're literally in the middle of the street. Exhaust fumes in your face. People spitting on you. People pissing on the motorcycle if you're not using it. Every guy being like, what a loser on a motorcycle. And the worst part is girls don't like motorcycles.
I don't know when this was made up, this fictional kind of motorcycle guy thing. I remember one time I parked on Bedford Avenue on my motorcycle, and I fucking was wearing my cool leather jacket, had my helmet on the seat, and I just started eating an apple. And I was like, this looks cool. Like, I should stand next to my motorcycle.
I don't know when this was made up, this fictional kind of motorcycle guy thing. I remember one time I parked on Bedford Avenue on my motorcycle, and I fucking was wearing my cool leather jacket, had my helmet on the seat, and I just started eating an apple. And I was like, this looks cool. Like, I should stand next to my motorcycle.
The problem was no one looked at me at all. I was invisible. I may as well have been wearing an invisibility cloak. Wow. But I was trying so hard to attract women. Anyways, until now, you get a girl that likes you. You're married. I'm married. And that's when, essentially, you turn into a toddler. That's when you get the pot belly, the penis spanks. Yeah.
The problem was no one looked at me at all. I was invisible. I may as well have been wearing an invisibility cloak. Wow. But I was trying so hard to attract women. Anyways, until now, you get a girl that likes you. You're married. I'm married. And that's when, essentially, you turn into a toddler. That's when you get the pot belly, the penis spanks. Yeah.
You kind of don't care what you look like anymore. No more shaving of the pubes. Yeah, I know, right?
You kind of don't care what you look like anymore. No more shaving of the pubes. Yeah, I know, right?
I believe they call it letting yourself go.
I believe they call it letting yourself go.
Oh, that's cool. I think that's how they like it.
Oh, that's cool. I think that's how they like it.
No, no, no, no. I was doing it like... It was for science. Yeah, it was just so cool that you make two worms.
No, no, no, no. I was doing it like... It was for science. Yeah, it was just so cool that you make two worms.
Yeah, I mean, I've always been like a... I really haven't... At one point, my anger issues went away. They really did. And they did morph into more of a frustration or sadness, but they weren't like... They never materialized externally. I've always been like, I'll be let down or I'll be sad. But I grew out of the anger phase. I still get mad, but not as much. But...
Yeah, I mean, I've always been like a... I really haven't... At one point, my anger issues went away. They really did. And they did morph into more of a frustration or sadness, but they weren't like... They never materialized externally. I've always been like, I'll be let down or I'll be sad. But I grew out of the anger phase. I still get mad, but not as much. But...
When it came to the kid, I guess I'm probably even more soft now. I really am just a big old softie, but I've always kind of been a big old softie. That's great.
When it came to the kid, I guess I'm probably even more soft now. I really am just a big old softie, but I've always kind of been a big old softie. That's great.
Yeah, of course. I mean, worms are disgusting. I haven't seen a worm in a long time. Like when's the last time you saw a worm?
Yeah, of course. I mean, worms are disgusting. I haven't seen a worm in a long time. Like when's the last time you saw a worm?
i don't know i don't know how to explain it it's kind of just like uh i'm the same but i just now i'm like it is weird when i see the baby because i'm like oh you're literally my baby it's so weird you know um but i didn't have i don't think i had like a a grand i never had like a grand realization after she was born um And I think that's good. I honestly think that's good.
i don't know i don't know how to explain it it's kind of just like uh i'm the same but i just now i'm like it is weird when i see the baby because i'm like oh you're literally my baby it's so weird you know um but i didn't have i don't think i had like a a grand i never had like a grand realization after she was born um And I think that's good. I honestly think that's good.
I think that that means, and I'm not trying to gloat or anything, but I feel like I did a lot of stuff to make me feel normal. And then when the baby came, I didn't need the baby because I noticed that sometimes men are like, oh, I'm a totally different guy. And I'm like, well, that means you were probably a piece of shit before you had a baby. It took a baby for you to become a good guy.
I think that that means, and I'm not trying to gloat or anything, but I feel like I did a lot of stuff to make me feel normal. And then when the baby came, I didn't need the baby because I noticed that sometimes men are like, oh, I'm a totally different guy. And I'm like, well, that means you were probably a piece of shit before you had a baby. It took a baby for you to become a good guy.
And I think that sometimes, yeah, it's like some of the books I tried reading. They were so – like before when the baby was gestating, they were like from dude to dad. Like put down the IPA and pick up blah, blah, blah.
And I think that sometimes, yeah, it's like some of the books I tried reading. They were so – like before when the baby was gestating, they were like from dude to dad. Like put down the IPA and pick up blah, blah, blah.
And it was just like – I was like, oh, so I think a lot of guys are really dumb and like just not – they're not thinking about this in the right way. And the books that they're writing are already like – it's already kind of like it's infantilizing and it's toxic to be like, put down the beer and pick up the fucking slack.
And it was just like – I was like, oh, so I think a lot of guys are really dumb and like just not – they're not thinking about this in the right way. And the books that they're writing are already like – it's already kind of like it's infantilizing and it's toxic to be like, put down the beer and pick up the fucking slack.
I had to just raw dog it. I was just like, I'm going to go with my gut. So far, so good. A little bit of Reddit here and there, but mostly the gut. We have 10 minutes left, so I want to do this little segment of the show called Takes on Takes. So essentially, I want to get your take on other people's takes that have been on the show. But now you have to be me.
I had to just raw dog it. I was just like, I'm going to go with my gut. So far, so good. A little bit of Reddit here and there, but mostly the gut. We have 10 minutes left, so I want to do this little segment of the show called Takes on Takes. So essentially, I want to get your take on other people's takes that have been on the show. But now you have to be me.
So you will see how difficult my job is. Because as you know, you can only 100% agree or 100% disagree. That's the only two options that there are.
So you will see how difficult my job is. Because as you know, you can only 100% agree or 100% disagree. That's the only two options that there are.
Yeah, there are no other. I mean, it's really an allegory for the world we live in where people can't. Black and white. Yeah, there's no gray area. So I'll read the take and you tell me if you 100% agree, 100% disagree, and then we'll talk about it for a little bit. So this one came from Paris, France. You shouldn't sleep in sexy clothes.
Yeah, there are no other. I mean, it's really an allegory for the world we live in where people can't. Black and white. Yeah, there's no gray area. So I'll read the take and you tell me if you 100% agree, 100% disagree, and then we'll talk about it for a little bit. So this one came from Paris, France. You shouldn't sleep in sexy clothes.
That's why it's such a hard job. No, that's why it's such a hard job because I hear so many takes that are truly meaningless.
That's why it's such a hard job. No, that's why it's such a hard job because I hear so many takes that are truly meaningless.
Great. Moving on. Therapists should not be hot.
Great. Moving on. Therapists should not be hot.
I don't know if they have worms in California or not, but what you just said, a slug is kind of just like a landlord worm.
I don't know if they have worms in California or not, but what you just said, a slug is kind of just like a landlord worm.
No, I 100% disagree. Oh, my goodness. Really? See, I disagree with you. I agree. They should not be hot.
No, I 100% disagree. Oh, my goodness. Really? See, I disagree with you. I agree. They should not be hot.
Yes. Whoever said this? Because therapists should not be hot.
Yes. Whoever said this? Because therapists should not be hot.
No, it's not. I think it is. No, no, people say hot is subjective, but there are people who are objectively hot. Sure. Okay, fine. But okay, check this out.
No, it's not. I think it is. No, no, people say hot is subjective, but there are people who are objectively hot. Sure. Okay, fine. But okay, check this out.
I can see that. I can see what you're saying because I think many people do fall in love with the therapist. It's a common problem.
I can see that. I can see what you're saying because I think many people do fall in love with the therapist. It's a common problem.
We all have one. I think that there's many people fall in love with a therapist.
We all have one. I think that there's many people fall in love with a therapist.
even the not hot ones yes but that's why they shouldn't be hot because it adds more motivation to to like for me it's like if i have especially a hot like like woman therapist personally you know i'm straight blah blah blah but if if i have a hot woman i'm gonna be i'm gonna try to impress her like i'm gonna be like oh like you know i made a lot of money this month
even the not hot ones yes but that's why they shouldn't be hot because it adds more motivation to to like for me it's like if i have especially a hot like like woman therapist personally you know i'm straight blah blah blah but if if i have a hot woman i'm gonna be i'm gonna try to impress her like i'm gonna be like oh like you know i made a lot of money this month
Yeah.
Yeah.
You got me right where you want me. You got me right where I want you. No, you got me right where you want me.
You got me right where you want me. You got me right where I want you. No, you got me right where you want me.
I still disagree with you. People who make you take your shoes off when you enter their home should not be allowed to entertain.
I still disagree with you. People who make you take your shoes off when you enter their home should not be allowed to entertain.
No, but that's a snail. Oh, a slug is a houseless, it's an unhoused snail.
No, but that's a snail. Oh, a slug is a houseless, it's an unhoused snail.
I could be friends with the person that gave this thing. It's a posh British lady who is wearing some fat-ass, chunky-ass boots on the show.
I could be friends with the person that gave this thing. It's a posh British lady who is wearing some fat-ass, chunky-ass boots on the show.
Yeah, of course. And she was like, if you have a party... and you make me take my shoes off, I'm not coming to the party. And you should be banished from having parties in general. And I was like, you're disgusting.
Yeah, of course. And she was like, if you have a party... and you make me take my shoes off, I'm not coming to the party. And you should be banished from having parties in general. And I was like, you're disgusting.
When white people –
When white people –
I went to a party the other day and everyone was wearing shoes except for the host.
I went to a party the other day and everyone was wearing shoes except for the host.
In New York? Yes. Stepped on their toes? No, I joined the host because I'm a good guest. That's actually very decent of you. I was like, I'll join you in not wearing shoes in your home where obviously you gave people the option and the option that they chose was to wear their fucking shoes in your house and now you're the last man.
In New York? Yes. Stepped on their toes? No, I joined the host because I'm a good guest. That's actually very decent of you. I was like, I'll join you in not wearing shoes in your home where obviously you gave people the option and the option that they chose was to wear their fucking shoes in your house and now you're the last man.
And this guy was white and he's a white host wearing no shoes at the crib and everyone else was wearing shoes.
And this guy was white and he's a white host wearing no shoes at the crib and everyone else was wearing shoes.
He's a good man. He's a good man. All right. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
He's a good man. He's a good man. All right. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
It's unhoused. It's not negative. It just is the way it is. It just is the way it is. And the hierarchy of capitalism within insects, the snail is the landlord, the slug is the unhoused, and a worm is just literally a mole human living underground in a train station.
It's unhoused. It's not negative. It just is the way it is. It just is the way it is. And the hierarchy of capitalism within insects, the snail is the landlord, the slug is the unhoused, and a worm is just literally a mole human living underground in a train station.
Remember that girl that, like, tweeted something insane, and then she, like, went on an airplane, and then when she landed, she had lost her job?
Remember that girl that, like, tweeted something insane, and then she, like, went on an airplane, and then when she landed, she had lost her job?
Yeah, no, it was something really bad. It was something really bad. She said something about AIDS in Africa. I think she was like on her way to Africa. Oh, yeah. She was on her way to South Africa. And then she tweeted out. What did she tweet out? Oh, my God. She was on her way to South Africa. And she tweeted out going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white.
Yeah, no, it was something really bad. It was something really bad. She said something about AIDS in Africa. I think she was like on her way to Africa. Oh, yeah. She was on her way to South Africa. And then she tweeted out. What did she tweet out? Oh, my God. She was on her way to South Africa. And she tweeted out going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white.
And then by the time she landed, she was fired. Good. All right. People who wear white sneakers do not fuck.
And then by the time she landed, she was fired. Good. All right. People who wear white sneakers do not fuck.
That means you definitely don't fuck.
That means you definitely don't fuck.
I swear. Someone who gets laid would not be so persuasive. Trust me, dude.
I swear. Someone who gets laid would not be so persuasive. Trust me, dude.
Listen to me. Dude, I just had sex yesterday, dude. I had sex today. I had it this morning, dude. I swear.
Listen to me. Dude, I just had sex yesterday, dude. I had sex today. I had it this morning, dude. I swear.
Now I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Now I believe you. Great. Okay.
Now I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Now I believe you. Great. Okay.
All right, dude, I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Uh, all right. That, that, that, that is all, uh, that is all from Abdullah Saeed. Saeed says you, I would do this for another hour. I'm sorry. I got to cut you off, Tim. I got to cut you off. You've had one too many takes. It's true. You've had one too many takes. This is what it does to you. Abdullah, where can people find you?
All right, dude, I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Uh, all right. That, that, that, that is all, uh, that is all from Abdullah Saeed. Saeed says you, I would do this for another hour. I'm sorry. I got to cut you off, Tim. I got to cut you off. You've had one too many takes. It's true. You've had one too many takes. This is what it does to you. Abdullah, where can people find you?
This is a call to action, people. Watch the fucking show. I watched it. It's fantastic. It's funny. It's great. It's campy in this weird way. And most importantly, it's entertaining, which is what matters. Thank you. Thank you. That is it. That is it. I'm not even going to mention the fact that it's brown people.
This is a call to action, people. Watch the fucking show. I watched it. It's fantastic. It's funny. It's great. It's campy in this weird way. And most importantly, it's entertaining, which is what matters. Thank you. Thank you. That is it. That is it. I'm not even going to mention the fact that it's brown people.
Because I probably have a lot of white listeners. You know, again, I got to sneak the veggies in the candy. Yeah. So I don't want them to know that it's a show filled with brown people because then they're going to think it's like a... It's a lecture. They're going to think it's like a lesson. They're going to think it's for browns, but it's for everyone. It's for everyone.
Because I probably have a lot of white listeners. You know, again, I got to sneak the veggies in the candy. Yeah. So I don't want them to know that it's a show filled with brown people because then they're going to think it's like a... It's a lecture. They're going to think it's like a lesson. They're going to think it's for browns, but it's for everyone. It's for everyone.
Anyways, guys, watch the show. I'm actually serious. It's fucking hilarious. And they're acting stellar. They're acting stellar. And I'm so glad it exists.
Anyways, guys, watch the show. I'm actually serious. It's fucking hilarious. And they're acting stellar. They're acting stellar. And I'm so glad it exists.
thanks kareem all right now i'm gonna put you and now i have to put you in season two well i sent you i literally sent you a text and said put me in season two fuck yeah well dude now and now it's on the record man let me make sure you did you get the text i got the text i have the text now and i will send you this snippet what yeah yeah yeah send me this snippet bro if i'm not in it i'm sending this snippet
thanks kareem all right now i'm gonna put you and now i have to put you in season two well i sent you i literally sent you a text and said put me in season two fuck yeah well dude now and now it's on the record man let me make sure you did you get the text i got the text i have the text now and i will send you this snippet what yeah yeah yeah send me this snippet bro if i'm not in it i'm sending this snippet
No, don't. Like an octopus? No, don't put them in the fucking oyster category. Worm. Yeah, why not?
No, don't. Like an octopus? No, don't put them in the fucking oyster category. Worm. Yeah, why not?
All right, now I have to do it.
All right, now I have to do it.
This is me doing that. This is literally my... Your Subway take has 2.5 million views. Sager and Asif probably have at least a million each. So I've contributed almost 4 million views to the promotion. That's true. And this is a record of it. And then this podcast. I mean, if I'm not an executive producer on season two, I'm probably going to.
This is me doing that. This is literally my... Your Subway take has 2.5 million views. Sager and Asif probably have at least a million each. So I've contributed almost 4 million views to the promotion. That's true. And this is a record of it. And then this podcast. I mean, if I'm not an executive producer on season two, I'm probably going to.
put me up there next to jenny right next to jenny executive produced by jenny connor done done okay great this is a verbal contract yeah you heard it here first people you can take the rest of the day off i feel like you've done enough business for today you don't you don't understand dude i love deals i got it i i I have I'm not taking the rest of the day off. I have more deals to make.
put me up there next to jenny right next to jenny executive produced by jenny connor done done okay great this is a verbal contract yeah you heard it here first people you can take the rest of the day off i feel like you've done enough business for today you don't you don't understand dude i love deals i got it i i I have I'm not taking the rest of the day off. I have more deals to make.
I love deals. I literally love deals. This is the one thing about Donald Trump. Now I'm going to lose everyone now. But like, here's the thing. I did find it very funny one time that in an old interview with Trump, like in the 80s or something, he was like, some people play sports. Some people listen to music. I do deals. And I was like, oh, this motherfucker thinks of it as like a hobby.
I love deals. I literally love deals. This is the one thing about Donald Trump. Now I'm going to lose everyone now. But like, here's the thing. I did find it very funny one time that in an old interview with Trump, like in the 80s or something, he was like, some people play sports. Some people listen to music. I do deals. And I was like, oh, this motherfucker thinks of it as like a hobby.
Like this is what he does for fun.
Like this is what he does for fun.
I indulge in the oyster category all the time. Yeah, but worms are not in the oyster category. I don't think. Yeah, I guess so. In Thailand, they ate worms.
I indulge in the oyster category all the time. Yeah, but worms are not in the oyster category. I don't think. Yeah, I guess so. In Thailand, they ate worms.
Now you're insulting me. Everyone knows I famously love making deals. Yeah? This was your thing before the Trump clip surfaced? I do like deals. I will say I do like deals. I think they're fun. This took a turn right at the end. Cut this part out. We were ending it on a high note when I became the creator of Deli Boys. And then you supported Trump. I didn't support Trump. I supported his deal.
Now you're insulting me. Everyone knows I famously love making deals. Yeah? This was your thing before the Trump clip surfaced? I do like deals. I will say I do like deals. I think they're fun. This took a turn right at the end. Cut this part out. We were ending it on a high note when I became the creator of Deli Boys. And then you supported Trump. I didn't support Trump. I supported his deal.
Well, I support Trump very strongly. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. All right. Yeah, no, no. Me too, man. Me too. Me too. If this guarantees that I'm in season three, then yes. I love him as well.
Well, I support Trump very strongly. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. All right. Yeah, no, no. Me too, man. Me too. Me too. If this guarantees that I'm in season three, then yes. I love him as well.
Hashtag signing off. Thank you, everyone, for listening.
Hashtag signing off. Thank you, everyone, for listening.
Worms have eyes. Oh, I didn't know that. Worms have eyes. Worms have eyes. Well, enough about worms. I'm sorry to the audience. Enough about worms. Let's talk about your take. Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender.
Worms have eyes. Oh, I didn't know that. Worms have eyes. Worms have eyes. Well, enough about worms. I'm sorry to the audience. Enough about worms. Let's talk about your take. Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender.
One that is very popular, which is that men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender. So what's your take?
One that is very popular, which is that men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender. So what's your take?
It's also, it's also just like, It's just you're such a smart guy that I was like, don't be dumb. Don't be dumb. Don't come on my show. Don't come on the show and be dumb, dude. That's a lot of the advice that I give to people when they come on the show. I have a lot of smart people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something smart.
It's also, it's also just like, It's just you're such a smart guy that I was like, don't be dumb. Don't be dumb. Don't come on my show. Don't come on the show and be dumb, dude. That's a lot of the advice that I give to people when they come on the show. I have a lot of smart people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something smart.
But then I have a lot of dumb people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something dumb.
But then I have a lot of dumb people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something dumb.
And then every once in a while, every once in a while, somebody serious will come on and they'll want to do something serious. I'm like, no, you should do something funny because I know that you're funny, but you're so serious. But I'm glad you did that one, the farting one. I mean, it has been done. It was done maybe episode 60 or 70.
And then every once in a while, every once in a while, somebody serious will come on and they'll want to do something serious. I'm like, no, you should do something funny because I know that you're funny, but you're so serious. But I'm glad you did that one, the farting one. I mean, it has been done. It was done maybe episode 60 or 70.
Yeah, this guy, John Ryan, that I know. He's a friend of mine. Shout out, John Ryan. Same wavelength, bro. Maybe we should play that take.
Yeah, this guy, John Ryan, that I know. He's a friend of mine. Shout out, John Ryan. Same wavelength, bro. Maybe we should play that take.
So what's your take? I think we should normalize farting really loud in public whenever you need to. 100% agree. If anything, it just gets a laugh from the people around you, and people love laughing. Like, it just makes you feel good. Well, everybody farts, but we act like they don't. Yeah, it's like we can sneeze, we can yawn, we can like... Burp?
So what's your take? I think we should normalize farting really loud in public whenever you need to. 100% agree. If anything, it just gets a laugh from the people around you, and people love laughing. Like, it just makes you feel good. Well, everybody farts, but we act like they don't. Yeah, it's like we can sneeze, we can yawn, we can like... Burp?
Burping is probably grosser than farting, actually. A burp is like a fart out of your mouth. Well, there's no filter. There's no pants. You don't have any mouth pants. Well, you have ass pants. You do! And so you can fart. It just kind of stays in there, and then you get to wash your underwear later. It's a filtered fart. It's a filtered fart, yeah.
Burping is probably grosser than farting, actually. A burp is like a fart out of your mouth. Well, there's no filter. There's no pants. You don't have any mouth pants. Well, you have ass pants. You do! And so you can fart. It just kind of stays in there, and then you get to wash your underwear later. It's a filtered fart. It's a filtered fart, yeah.
100% agree, yeah.
100% agree, yeah.
Here's what I like about it.
Here's what I like about it.
Everyone's holding in a fart. On this train, I bet 40 people have to fart. Just let it go. 20% of the time, they smell bad. 80% of the time, farts are silent. Or even they do smell bad, but you're like, whatever, it's New York City. You like them loud, though. When they're louder, they feel better. That's just true.
Everyone's holding in a fart. On this train, I bet 40 people have to fart. Just let it go. 20% of the time, they smell bad. 80% of the time, farts are silent. Or even they do smell bad, but you're like, whatever, it's New York City. You like them loud, though. When they're louder, they feel better. That's just true.
But no, I've been doing this, I've been campaigning for this, and my way of doing it is I just fart whenever I need to. No, no you don't. When you fart in public, people are like, oh this guy doesn't give a . Like, we're not gonna with him. So you actually do this? Oh, just all the time. Yeah, CVS, Chipotle, those are the main two places. Has anyone ever shamed you for doing this? Um, uh, no.
But no, I've been doing this, I've been campaigning for this, and my way of doing it is I just fart whenever I need to. No, no you don't. When you fart in public, people are like, oh this guy doesn't give a . Like, we're not gonna with him. So you actually do this? Oh, just all the time. Yeah, CVS, Chipotle, those are the main two places. Has anyone ever shamed you for doing this? Um, uh, no.
No, no, no. Not really. I mean, babies fart. Babies fart? Everybody. My dog farts. It's like when you're a baby, you have permission to fart. When you're old, you have permission to fart. But in the middle, you can't fart. Wow, that's great. That's genius. That's really good. Yeah. I just want middle-aged farting. I'm in. Yeah. Let's do it.
No, no, no. Not really. I mean, babies fart. Babies fart? Everybody. My dog farts. It's like when you're a baby, you have permission to fart. When you're old, you have permission to fart. But in the middle, you can't fart. Wow, that's great. That's genius. That's really good. Yeah. I just want middle-aged farting. I'm in. Yeah. Let's do it.
Yeah, so John Ryan said we got to just make it more socially acceptable, which I think I agree with that.
Yeah, so John Ryan said we got to just make it more socially acceptable, which I think I agree with that.
Like, you know, like a fart catcher, like a little bag that you just put your farts in. Right? I kind of fuck with that.
Like, you know, like a fart catcher, like a little bag that you just put your farts in. Right? I kind of fuck with that.
I think the thing with farts is that we all know that they happen, but they're impolite. They're not nice.
I think the thing with farts is that we all know that they happen, but they're impolite. They're not nice.
They're impolite. They're not nice. Do we want them to be nice? I don't think we need them to be nice. No. We need them to be neutral. Yeah, they should fart in secret. I know people that go to the bathroom to fart. I kind of fuck with that. I think that's cool.
They're impolite. They're not nice. Do we want them to be nice? I don't think we need them to be nice. No. We need them to be neutral. Yeah, they should fart in secret. I know people that go to the bathroom to fart. I kind of fuck with that. I think that's cool.
No, no, we don't. We punch walls, punch doors, punch each other. Yeah, when we're sad or angry and we're like, ah! As a man, what is the worst emotion that you feel?
No, no, we don't. We punch walls, punch doors, punch each other. Yeah, when we're sad or angry and we're like, ah! As a man, what is the worst emotion that you feel?
Oh, okay. So, yeah, it's a mind meld.
Oh, okay. So, yeah, it's a mind meld.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. You're crying right now. You're literally, you're so moved that you're bawling. To be called a great host of short-form, unscripted, vertical video content? Oh, I mean... That is a compliment. Hey, that was the peak of my career too. To be one of the best short form unscripted vertical video producers and hosts in the world.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. You're crying right now. You're literally, you're so moved that you're bawling. To be called a great host of short-form, unscripted, vertical video content? Oh, I mean... That is a compliment. Hey, that was the peak of my career too. To be one of the best short form unscripted vertical video producers and hosts in the world.
But you weren't vertical. You were a horizontal gang.
But you weren't vertical. You were a horizontal gang.
I believe so.
I believe so.
I would never do that. I did a friendship-making enterprise recently with someone who I won't name. And recently, like last week. And I sent a text that just said, hey, checking in, how are you?
I would never do that. I did a friendship-making enterprise recently with someone who I won't name. And recently, like last week. And I sent a text that just said, hey, checking in, how are you?
and they were like i'm good how are you and i was like i'm pretty good and i was like what have you been up to and then they sent me a voice note and we're like hey like what do you mean what have i been up to like what in what context like are you asking are you about to like they thought that i was going to ask them for like a favor Oh, okay.
and they were like i'm good how are you and i was like i'm pretty good and i was like what have you been up to and then they sent me a voice note and we're like hey like what do you mean what have i been up to like what in what context like are you asking are you about to like they thought that i was going to ask them for like a favor Oh, okay.
And I sent a voice note back and I was like, no, no, no. I'm literally just trying to be friends.
And I sent a voice note back and I was like, no, no, no. I'm literally just trying to be friends.
They liked it. They thought it was cool. And they sent me a voice note back being like, oh, this is what I'm up to. This is what I'm doing. And then I think at the end of it, they were like, Yeah, send a voice note back if you just want to keep voice noting.
They liked it. They thought it was cool. And they sent me a voice note back being like, oh, this is what I'm up to. This is what I'm doing. And then I think at the end of it, they were like, Yeah, send a voice note back if you just want to keep voice noting.
I just don't know. I don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to do it. But one of my things that I want to do is I'm going to put myself out there more.
I just don't know. I don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to do it. But one of my things that I want to do is I'm going to put myself out there more.
Like Justin Theroux, for example. I got Justin Theroux's number recently.
Like Justin Theroux, for example. I got Justin Theroux's number recently.
Do I just be like, hey, you want to take a walk? Maybe I'll do that.
Do I just be like, hey, you want to take a walk? Maybe I'll do that.
Well, no, I'm just saying that he walks his dog all the time. So I was thinking maybe I'll just join him for a walk.
Well, no, I'm just saying that he walks his dog all the time. So I was thinking maybe I'll just join him for a walk.
I could bring my dog. Wait, I don't have a dog.
I could bring my dog. Wait, I don't have a dog.
I almost forgot. But if I were to get a dog, I think I would get a standard poodle.
I almost forgot. But if I were to get a dog, I think I would get a standard poodle.
Of course.
Of course.
Look at my hair.
Look at my hair.
I'd get a dog that matches me.
I'd get a dog that matches me.
How was the chat? It was great. Her subway take was anything is a dating app, so we discussed dating quite a bit. We discussed my personal relationship with how I proposed to my wife recently. Yes, I did know that. Congrats.
How was the chat? It was great. Her subway take was anything is a dating app, so we discussed dating quite a bit. We discussed my personal relationship with how I proposed to my wife recently. Yes, I did know that. Congrats.
Well, number one, I'm on a die right now. And number two, I feel like a poodle is not necessarily a dog that is not taking up space. I guess the build, the frame is skinny, but it has the hair. So it looks a little thick.
Well, number one, I'm on a die right now. And number two, I feel like a poodle is not necessarily a dog that is not taking up space. I guess the build, the frame is skinny, but it has the hair. So it looks a little thick.
I can't get a Rottweiler.
I can't get a Rottweiler.
no i don't even know sure is that is that the one with the pointy ears no that's a doberman which is what i said i would get but those are too sleek that's a walton goggins dog right then what's a rottweiler a rottweiler is like a fatter doberman with droopy ears okay but same style of dog like black with like a brown face right yeah no that makes sense your dog is not necessarily an andrew quoe
no i don't even know sure is that is that the one with the pointy ears no that's a doberman which is what i said i would get but those are too sleek that's a walton goggins dog right then what's a rottweiler a rottweiler is like a fatter doberman with droopy ears okay but same style of dog like black with like a brown face right yeah no that makes sense your dog is not necessarily an andrew quoe
But it's not it's not it's not tall. It's not an Afghan hound.
But it's not it's not it's not tall. It's not an Afghan hound.
Anyways, I'm going to let the people listen to this episode now.
Anyways, I'm going to let the people listen to this episode now.
what the what the fudge is up subway takes heads gang members no don't you're not getting no this is not a gang this is just a group of friends listening to audio podcast i'm your host karim rahma i guess the host with the most maybe but i'm not sure this is a very strange intro but we have a very strange guest with us actually i don't know if she was considered strange
what the what the fudge is up subway takes heads gang members no don't you're not getting no this is not a gang this is just a group of friends listening to audio podcast i'm your host karim rahma i guess the host with the most maybe but i'm not sure this is a very strange intro but we have a very strange guest with us actually i don't know if she was considered strange
yeah I mean we talked about a lot of stuff since her subway take was about dating we talked about yik yak dating which is an app that no longer exists we talked about live journal and live journal dating in general we talked about one of my favorite dating apps which is grouper I don't know if you know about grouper the fish no grouper was a dating app where it would set you up on a blind date with someone and then you would bring two of your friends and the blind date would bring two of their friends and then they would tell you where to meet and they'd buy your first round of drinks
yeah I mean we talked about a lot of stuff since her subway take was about dating we talked about yik yak dating which is an app that no longer exists we talked about live journal and live journal dating in general we talked about one of my favorite dating apps which is grouper I don't know if you know about grouper the fish no grouper was a dating app where it would set you up on a blind date with someone and then you would bring two of your friends and the blind date would bring two of their friends and then they would tell you where to meet and they'd buy your first round of drinks
Her subway take was that anything is a dating app. And I believe I 100% disagreed because everything is not a dating app. Real life is a dating app. There are dating apps that are dating apps, but not everything is a dating app. I'd like to welcome to this wonderful audio stage Willa Bennett, the current editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine. What's good, Willa?
Her subway take was that anything is a dating app. And I believe I 100% disagreed because everything is not a dating app. Real life is a dating app. There are dating apps that are dating apps, but not everything is a dating app. I'd like to welcome to this wonderful audio stage Willa Bennett, the current editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine. What's good, Willa?
I'm just relaxing. I just got back from Puerto Rico. Fun.
I'm just relaxing. I just got back from Puerto Rico. Fun.
Puerto Rico. I was vacationing. nice yeah do you like how i say puerto rico i love it mr subway takes goes on vacation what happens no i usually don't go on vacation actually this is the first time in legitimately 10 years that i have been like that i left my hotel or that i left my phone in the hotel room wow Yeah, I'm usually a hustle and grind mindset type of guy.
Puerto Rico. I was vacationing. nice yeah do you like how i say puerto rico i love it mr subway takes goes on vacation what happens no i usually don't go on vacation actually this is the first time in legitimately 10 years that i have been like that i left my hotel or that i left my phone in the hotel room wow Yeah, I'm usually a hustle and grind mindset type of guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm stuck here forever, which is... You know, that's a gift and a curse, right?
I'm stuck here forever, which is... You know, that's a gift and a curse, right?
Because on one hand, I know where I'm meant to be.
Because on one hand, I know where I'm meant to be.
And then on the other hand, I can never leave.
And then on the other hand, I can never leave.
Unless I retire the show.
Unless I retire the show.
It pays the damn bills. That's right. It does pay the damn bills and it pays them well.
It pays the damn bills. That's right. It does pay the damn bills and it pays them well.
I know. And it's, but here's the thing. I think if you grew up kind of poor, you never, ever, ever, ever get that out of your head. So I'm still cheap.
I know. And it's, but here's the thing. I think if you grew up kind of poor, you never, ever, ever, ever get that out of your head. So I'm still cheap.
I don't think I've bought anything.
I don't think I've bought anything.
No, my clothes, it's either free or it is vintage, honestly.
No, my clothes, it's either free or it is vintage, honestly.
Or it's like J.Crew and Madewell, like very regular guy stuff.
Or it's like J.Crew and Madewell, like very regular guy stuff.
I think J.Crew and Madewell is the most regular guy kind of thing. It's like guy plus.
I think J.Crew and Madewell is the most regular guy kind of thing. It's like guy plus.
It's like you're like, I need to look pretty good, but I'm not going to spend $400 on a shirt.
It's like you're like, I need to look pretty good, but I'm not going to spend $400 on a shirt.
Do you think Dickies, that's the entry-level niceness?
Do you think Dickies, that's the entry-level niceness?
I think they're very flattering.
I think they're very flattering.
That's a very nice gift.
That's a very nice gift.
A little pair of Dickies.
A little pair of Dickies.
Well, I guess let's talk about your Subway take for a second. Dale, can we play the take? So what's your take?
Well, I guess let's talk about your Subway take for a second. Dale, can we play the take? So what's your take?
100% agree.
100% agree.
Spotify.
Spotify.
Venmo? You're saying Venmo.
Venmo? You're saying Venmo.
What else is a dating app?
What else is a dating app?
This is a dating app.
This is a dating app.
Subway Takes is definitely a dating app.
Subway Takes is definitely a dating app.
Have you ever hooked up with or dated someone from a random place like that? From like a LinkedIn?
Have you ever hooked up with or dated someone from a random place like that? From like a LinkedIn?
No.
No.
Then I don't think I agree with your take anymore. Actually, you know what? No, no. I don't 100% agree. If I'm on LinkedIn, I'm looking for a job, not a date. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Find me on Tinder. Find me on freaking Hinge. Find me on Raya. But certainly don't DM me on LinkedIn. When my profile says open for new work, that doesn't mean open for...
Then I don't think I agree with your take anymore. Actually, you know what? No, no. I don't 100% agree. If I'm on LinkedIn, I'm looking for a job, not a date. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Find me on Tinder. Find me on freaking Hinge. Find me on Raya. But certainly don't DM me on LinkedIn. When my profile says open for new work, that doesn't mean open for...
No, I don't think Partyful is a dating app.
No, I don't think Partyful is a dating app.
So chaos is what you're talking about. Yeah, it was incredible. I went on a grouper date with Blake Benzman and Abizar once. I brought them as my plus ones. And we ended up on a date with three substitute teachers from Staten Island. Holy shit, that sounds like the start of a movie. And I ended up with someone's sucking face.
So chaos is what you're talking about. Yeah, it was incredible. I went on a grouper date with Blake Benzman and Abizar once. I brought them as my plus ones. And we ended up on a date with three substitute teachers from Staten Island. Holy shit, that sounds like the start of a movie. And I ended up with someone's sucking face.
As far as it's going to go is Instagram. Instagram is a dating app, but nothing else is a dating app. Email is not a dating app. LinkedIn is not a dating app. Partyful is not a dating app.
As far as it's going to go is Instagram. Instagram is a dating app, but nothing else is a dating app. Email is not a dating app. LinkedIn is not a dating app. Partyful is not a dating app.
So you think that all of those tens on Instagram, they're getting thousands of DMs a day?
So you think that all of those tens on Instagram, they're getting thousands of DMs a day?
Earth is a dating app.
Earth is a dating app.
Subway Takes is not a dating app.
Subway Takes is not a dating app.
Subway Takes is not a dating app.
Subway Takes is not a dating app.
Wow. Yeah. No, I don't I don't know, man. I'm still in disagreement. But I did want to talk to you. You just mentioned eBay. Is eBay a dating app?
Wow. Yeah. No, I don't I don't know, man. I'm still in disagreement. But I did want to talk to you. You just mentioned eBay. Is eBay a dating app?
Yeah. Takes on takes. This is a different that's a different section of the show. But this is your take on the take. Yes, you can. It's a different take on take.
Yeah. Takes on takes. This is a different that's a different section of the show. But this is your take on the take. Yes, you can. It's a different take on take.
well that's because i make a lot of friends on the internet on the net and i and i think dating and friendship is pretty similar right like totally it's it's practically the same thing dating and friendship practically totally no i don't know about that but yes but i i just i remember there was a you know yeah like dating apps are nice because you can just go it's like buying a used car
well that's because i make a lot of friends on the internet on the net and i and i think dating and friendship is pretty similar right like totally it's it's practically the same thing dating and friendship practically totally no i don't know about that but yes but i i just i remember there was a you know yeah like dating apps are nice because you can just go it's like buying a used car
When you're buying a used car, you're like, okay, I want to search within one mile, and I want the car to be red, and I want it to be big, and I want it to be new. You pick the year. There's a range and a radius, and that's kind of like dating. You go, cool, I want this person. I like all religions. Yeah.
When you're buying a used car, you're like, okay, I want to search within one mile, and I want the car to be red, and I want it to be big, and I want it to be new. You pick the year. There's a range and a radius, and that's kind of like dating. You go, cool, I want this person. I like all religions. Yeah.
If you're a white guy in Silicon Valley, you type in the Asian box and you say, I only want Asian women. And if you don't have a car and you only have a scooter because you live... Let's be a San Francisco guy. All right. So San Francisco tech entrepreneur goes to buy a car.
If you're a white guy in Silicon Valley, you type in the Asian box and you say, I only want Asian women. And if you don't have a car and you only have a scooter because you live... Let's be a San Francisco guy. All right. So San Francisco tech entrepreneur goes to buy a car.
Okay, he types in radius 100 miles because he's willing to travel and he types in electric only and he types in white and black because those are the colors that he likes and there's a price range and a mileage and a year and all that stuff. Same guy goes to date and he does the same thing with humans.
Okay, he types in radius 100 miles because he's willing to travel and he types in electric only and he types in white and black because those are the colors that he likes and there's a price range and a mileage and a year and all that stuff. Same guy goes to date and he does the same thing with humans.
I can't remember if it was Blake or Abizar, but somebody was making out on the roof.
I can't remember if it was Blake or Abizar, but somebody was making out on the roof.
I don't know. I don't. And I also, if memory serves, there was a swap. Oh. Like it started with like Abizar with one girl, me with one girl, and Blake with one girl. And I think by the end, the two maker outers were not linked in the beginning.
I don't know. I don't. And I also, if memory serves, there was a swap. Oh. Like it started with like Abizar with one girl, me with one girl, and Blake with one girl. And I think by the end, the two maker outers were not linked in the beginning.
well subway texas is dating out for sure how many dms did you get after your take i'm sure there were literally literal thousands it was crazy i was like actually like for a second kind of scared because i was like oh i didn't there was too many i told you i warned you i said this is your dms are gonna be go crazy it was weird not it wasn't cute as i'll say it really didn't have a meet cute in there
well subway texas is dating out for sure how many dms did you get after your take i'm sure there were literally literal thousands it was crazy i was like actually like for a second kind of scared because i was like oh i didn't there was too many i told you i warned you i said this is your dms are gonna be go crazy it was weird not it wasn't cute as i'll say it really didn't have a meet cute in there
I think that... Did anyone approach you on the street and say, oh, I saw your Subway take? Okay, that's good, because that happens sometimes to people after they've been on the show.
I think that... Did anyone approach you on the street and say, oh, I saw your Subway take? Okay, that's good, because that happens sometimes to people after they've been on the show.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's really nice.
Oh, that's really nice.
At least people are putting in the work. Ladies and gentlemen, what's up? This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Squarespace, but if you're not, it is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Now, I've had a lot of ideas, which means that I've had a lot of Squarespace websites.
At least people are putting in the work. Ladies and gentlemen, what's up? This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Squarespace, but if you're not, it is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Now, I've had a lot of ideas, which means that I've had a lot of Squarespace websites.
And let me tell you, it is worth it. One of the most annoying things about starting a website is acquiring the domain, but Squarespace makes that easy with no hidden fees or add-ons required. And in this day and age, you gotta be SEO optimized because there are literally so many people doing so many things online. I'm sure there's another guy out there selling vintage trucker hats.
And let me tell you, it is worth it. One of the most annoying things about starting a website is acquiring the domain, but Squarespace makes that easy with no hidden fees or add-ons required. And in this day and age, you gotta be SEO optimized because there are literally so many people doing so many things online. I'm sure there's another guy out there selling vintage trucker hats.
So you gotta make sure that your SEO is on point. So give it a whirl and head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
So you gotta make sure that your SEO is on point. So give it a whirl and head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Oh, Grouper was so sick. Dude, this was a sick app. And it was like, I was like 25, 26, just moved to New York. This app called Grouper is you would sign up or like a person would sign up. And so let's say I signed up and let's say you signed up, right? And we were both like straight and we were like, I'm looking for women and you're looking for men, whatever.
Oh, Grouper was so sick. Dude, this was a sick app. And it was like, I was like 25, 26, just moved to New York. This app called Grouper is you would sign up or like a person would sign up. And so let's say I signed up and let's say you signed up, right? And we were both like straight and we were like, I'm looking for women and you're looking for men, whatever.
You just put in like your little preferences. And then... grouper would match kareem and willa and it would say you each bring two friends with you on the date and they would make the restaurant reservation and they would pay for the first round of drinks which is so sick
You just put in like your little preferences. And then... grouper would match kareem and willa and it would say you each bring two friends with you on the date and they would make the restaurant reservation and they would pay for the first round of drinks which is so sick
and they would just like the day of the date i think it was like five hours before the date they would send you like a text that says like hey your groupers ready like kareem and willa are meeting at balthazar and they're bringing blake and abizar i'm thinking about a date that i actually did like with a friend named blake and abizar uh but there so it was really fun because you could go on you essentially would go on a triple date that's what it was it was a triple blind date um and they paid for the first round
and they would just like the day of the date i think it was like five hours before the date they would send you like a text that says like hey your groupers ready like kareem and willa are meeting at balthazar and they're bringing blake and abizar i'm thinking about a date that i actually did like with a friend named blake and abizar uh but there so it was really fun because you could go on you essentially would go on a triple date that's what it was it was a triple blind date um and they paid for the first round
But this app was sick because I would sign up. I would be the only one to sign up. And the girl would be the only one to sign up. And they'd just be like, who are you bringing? And I'd just be like, Blake and Abizar. And then the girl would be like, Rebecca and fucking Rachel. And then we'd all show up.
But this app was sick because I would sign up. I would be the only one to sign up. And the girl would be the only one to sign up. And they'd just be like, who are you bringing? And I'd just be like, Blake and Abizar. And then the girl would be like, Rebecca and fucking Rachel. And then we'd all show up.
And I did it once with my friend Blake and my friend Abizar. And unfortunately, they set us up with someone that I probably would, like some people that I wouldn't date in normal life. But we had a great night. It was like three substitute teachers from Staten Island.
And I did it once with my friend Blake and my friend Abizar. And unfortunately, they set us up with someone that I probably would, like some people that I wouldn't date in normal life. But we had a great night. It was like three substitute teachers from Staten Island.
No, it was fun. It was a fun night.
No, it was fun. It was a fun night.
And one of us made out.
And one of us made out.
Yeah. One of us made out on the roof of my apartment.
Yeah. One of us made out on the roof of my apartment.
No, it wasn't me. I don't remember who it was, but I looked over and I saw someone's sucking face.
No, it wasn't me. I don't remember who it was, but I looked over and I saw someone's sucking face.
I thought that app already existed.
I thought that app already existed.
There was also another one. These are all the early days. I love these apps because I just moved here and I was on Tinder. I was on everything. And Hinge and all of the apps. And I remember there was one where you would walk past someone and it would alert you. What? Yeah, there was a proximity app. That might have been Hinge, like old, early Hinge. And it would be like...
There was also another one. These are all the early days. I love these apps because I just moved here and I was on Tinder. I was on everything. And Hinge and all of the apps. And I remember there was one where you would walk past someone and it would alert you. What? Yeah, there was a proximity app. That might have been Hinge, like old, early Hinge. And it would be like...
what's up listeners it's your boy kareem rahma i have a very special little mini episode of subway takes the podcast in front of the regular episode of subway takes the podcast with will bennett i'm joined today by my good friend and producer of subway takes and co-founder of subway takes and just all around great guy uh andrew quo andrew quo how the hell are you
what's up listeners it's your boy kareem rahma i have a very special little mini episode of subway takes the podcast in front of the regular episode of subway takes the podcast with will bennett i'm joined today by my good friend and producer of subway takes and co-founder of subway takes and just all around great guy uh andrew quo andrew quo how the hell are you
Oh, man, I don't remember. It was doing the mutual friends thing, and then it would also alert you if someone was around, which I feel like is not a good idea anymore.
Oh, man, I don't remember. It was doing the mutual friends thing, and then it would also alert you if someone was around, which I feel like is not a good idea anymore.
No, what the hell? No, that was like the secret group chats or something.
No, what the hell? No, that was like the secret group chats or something.
because they'd send a text like three or five hours before the date and say like, meet at Hotel Chantel at 8 p.m. First round is on grouper. And it was sick. It was really fun. Anyways, we talked about that. We talked about Willa being the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmo. We talked about waste of time relationships, which is one of my favorite kind of relationships.
because they'd send a text like three or five hours before the date and say like, meet at Hotel Chantel at 8 p.m. First round is on grouper. And it was sick. It was really fun. Anyways, we talked about that. We talked about Willa being the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmo. We talked about waste of time relationships, which is one of my favorite kind of relationships.
It was so... I mean, it is a sick premise. Like you just log on the internet and there's just another person.
It was so... I mean, it is a sick premise. Like you just log on the internet and there's just another person.
No, they're in there. Don't worry. They're like in a screen. That's not a real person.
No, they're in there. Don't worry. They're like in a screen. That's not a real person.
What was the name of your LiveJournal?
What was the name of your LiveJournal?
Willa Ballerina. That's not bad.
Willa Ballerina. That's not bad.
Were you emo kind of? You seem like an emo kind of.
Were you emo kind of? You seem like an emo kind of.
Like an emo kind of. Like a little, just a pinch.
Like an emo kind of. Like a little, just a pinch.
Like full emo?
Like full emo?
Like My Chemical Romance emo or Avril Lavigne emo?
Like My Chemical Romance emo or Avril Lavigne emo?
Yeah. You give Avril vibes.
Yeah. You give Avril vibes.
How is that even possible?
How is that even possible?
Well, my subway take on this is that it's not possible to be a sadder version of Kazzy David because the sadder version of Kazzy David is Kazzy David. so true she's the set she's but she's she's quite funny and she got fucking absolutely destroyed in her subway take i don't know if you followed along on the drama no what was her take oh yeah it was
Well, my subway take on this is that it's not possible to be a sadder version of Kazzy David because the sadder version of Kazzy David is Kazzy David. so true she's the set she's but she's she's quite funny and she got fucking absolutely destroyed in her subway take i don't know if you followed along on the drama no what was her take oh yeah it was
And people were like, yeah, coming from a fucking dumb bitch who doesn't need to sleep because she's never worked a day in her life. And then the other half of people were like, yeah, exactly. Look at her fucking bags under her eyes. She's so tired. And it was just she was getting it from both sides. Like some people were like, you're a nipple baby.
And people were like, yeah, coming from a fucking dumb bitch who doesn't need to sleep because she's never worked a day in her life. And then the other half of people were like, yeah, exactly. Look at her fucking bags under her eyes. She's so tired. And it was just she was getting it from both sides. Like some people were like, you're a nipple baby.
You don't need to take naps because you have never worked a day in your life. And other people were like, you have bags under your eyes because you don't nap. And I felt awful. But I warned her. I warned her that this would happen. And she didn't believe me. And I was like, all right.
You don't need to take naps because you have never worked a day in your life. And other people were like, you have bags under your eyes because you don't nap. And I felt awful. But I warned her. I warned her that this would happen. And she didn't believe me. And I was like, all right.
It's where you're just together to waste some time, kill some time in between other relationships. You ever been in one of those relationships?
It's where you're just together to waste some time, kill some time in between other relationships. You ever been in one of those relationships?
Oh yeah, if it's someone that I'm like you because I'm very sensitive, which is why I don't really read the comments like I check in for about the first 10 minutes and I'm like can usually gauge if it's going to be a good experience for me or a really awful experience for me.
Oh yeah, if it's someone that I'm like you because I'm very sensitive, which is why I don't really read the comments like I check in for about the first 10 minutes and I'm like can usually gauge if it's going to be a good experience for me or a really awful experience for me.
And so I just like I check in and I was like, oh, this is not going to be good for Cassie and I and I yeah, she hit me up and she was like, holy shit. And I was like, I told you I told you man.
And so I just like I check in and I was like, oh, this is not going to be good for Cassie and I and I yeah, she hit me up and she was like, holy shit. And I was like, I told you I told you man.
but we laughed about it she took it like a champ she laughed about it and she thought it was really funny because she had some other options for takes and I was like you might be safer doing those other ones and you know she didn't she's very funny I like her a lot I really like her she's so funny and whenever someone tells me lookalike I'm like honestly like honored you're honored to be there
but we laughed about it she took it like a champ she laughed about it and she thought it was really funny because she had some other options for takes and I was like you might be safer doing those other ones and you know she didn't she's very funny I like her a lot I really like her she's so funny and whenever someone tells me lookalike I'm like honestly like honored you're honored to be there
She is very cool and very sweet and very nice. And she should come on this podcast to defend her take. Because as we all know, there's more to say.
She is very cool and very sweet and very nice. And she should come on this podcast to defend her take. Because as we all know, there's more to say.
I air all of them.
I air all of them.
Like, that would be a really good... That's interesting. What were your other ones? I forgot. Do you remember them?
Like, that would be a really good... That's interesting. What were your other ones? I forgot. Do you remember them?
No, because I think going into it with the intention of I'm not really dating anyone else right now, it's almost like a summer fling.
No, because I think going into it with the intention of I'm not really dating anyone else right now, it's almost like a summer fling.
Were you trying to be funny? Do you think that Subway Text needs to be funny to be good?
Were you trying to be funny? Do you think that Subway Text needs to be funny to be good?
That's so difficult, man.
That's so difficult, man.
My advice is always, what do you feel most passionate about? What are you going to defend? What are you going to stand on business 10 toes down? So you are the new editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, an iconic legacy media institution?
My advice is always, what do you feel most passionate about? What are you going to defend? What are you going to stand on business 10 toes down? So you are the new editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, an iconic legacy media institution?
How does that feel? Are you the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmopolitan?
How does that feel? Are you the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmopolitan?
Except at any time of year.
Except at any time of year.
Is it a quarterly magazine?
Is it a quarterly magazine?
Yeah, right on the best streaming service. It's two people knowing that their relationship is not going to work out, but for the time being, it's a great way to kill some time together. Right, right, right. Because sometimes you're just lonely and don't want to be alone personally, at least, you know.
Yeah, right on the best streaming service. It's two people knowing that their relationship is not going to work out, but for the time being, it's a great way to kill some time together. Right, right, right. Because sometimes you're just lonely and don't want to be alone personally, at least, you know.
How do I get on the cover?
How do I get on the cover?
What do you want to say? Oh, I have to say something?
What do you want to say? Oh, I have to say something?
Okay.
Okay.
Because I'm sick.
Because I'm sick.
Do people pitch you to be on the cover, or do you pitch them to be on the cover?
Do people pitch you to be on the cover, or do you pitch them to be on the cover?
Karim Rahman, why now? Everyone's like, ooh, what is the je ne sais quoi?
Karim Rahman, why now? Everyone's like, ooh, what is the je ne sais quoi?
I think love is awesome. I love love. He loves love. I actually, you know how much I love love? I proposed to my girlfriend wife this weekend.
I think love is awesome. I love love. He loves love. I actually, you know how much I love love? I proposed to my girlfriend wife this weekend.
Yeah, in Puerto Rico.
Yeah, in Puerto Rico.
I buried the lead.
I buried the lead.
Well, so we have a child together already. The child is 15. Oh, did she say yes? Oh, yeah, she said yes. She had no choice. She had no choice but to say yes.
Well, so we have a child together already. The child is 15. Oh, did she say yes? Oh, yeah, she said yes. She had no choice. She had no choice but to say yes.
And we talked about how to decline a marriage proposal.
And we talked about how to decline a marriage proposal.
What is she going to say now? Who says no? Yeah, lots of people say no. No, they don't. No one says no.
What is she going to say now? Who says no? Yeah, lots of people say no. No, they don't. No one says no.
No, all of the no's are just viral video, like they're viral video pranks.
No, all of the no's are just viral video, like they're viral video pranks.
People, here's what they do. They say yes and then they break it off.
People, here's what they do. They say yes and then they break it off.
Yeah. No one ever says no. Like, will you marry me? We're in Puerto Rico. Will you marry me? No, I won't. Oh, okay. Well, then we should just break up right now because obviously this is going nowhere. So what happens is people say yes, and then they go about for like three to four to five to six months. And then inevitably, the woman always breaks off the engagement.
Yeah. No one ever says no. Like, will you marry me? We're in Puerto Rico. Will you marry me? No, I won't. Oh, okay. Well, then we should just break up right now because obviously this is going nowhere. So what happens is people say yes, and then they go about for like three to four to five to six months. And then inevitably, the woman always breaks off the engagement.
I think that you always say yes. Oh. I don't think anyone ever says, no, I will not marry you. I think everyone always says yes, and then they break off the engagement like a week later or a month later or right before the wedding.
I think that you always say yes. Oh. I don't think anyone ever says, no, I will not marry you. I think everyone always says yes, and then they break off the engagement like a week later or a month later or right before the wedding.
No, that's great. I mean, I usually just get a regular therapist to help me with that.
No, that's great. I mean, I usually just get a regular therapist to help me with that.
I need validation. And therapists, you can just pay them to validate every feeling you have. It's the greatest hack of all time.
I need validation. And therapists, you can just pay them to validate every feeling you have. It's the greatest hack of all time.
know they do whatever you tell them to do therapists are easily manipulated i'm serious they're not even good at their jobs no i'm not every time i go to a therapist and i go i feel sad you know maybe my relationship's a little bent out of shape and they go what do you want to do and i go i don't know maybe i should break up and then they go yeah you should and i go great and then i go how do i do that and then they go uh maybe you should just say it and i go okay sounds good
know they do whatever you tell them to do therapists are easily manipulated i'm serious they're not even good at their jobs no i'm not every time i go to a therapist and i go i feel sad you know maybe my relationship's a little bent out of shape and they go what do you want to do and i go i don't know maybe i should break up and then they go yeah you should and i go great and then i go how do i do that and then they go uh maybe you should just say it and i go okay sounds good
And then the next week they say, so did you say it? And I go, no, I didn't. And then they're like, well, if she's not making you happy, then you should probably do it sooner rather than later. And I go, yeah, you're right. I should. And then, yeah. And you know what? That's a great grift. I mean, there should be a breakup therapist. Great grift.
And then the next week they say, so did you say it? And I go, no, I didn't. And then they're like, well, if she's not making you happy, then you should probably do it sooner rather than later. And I go, yeah, you're right. I should. And then, yeah. And you know what? That's a great grift. I mean, there should be a breakup therapist. Great grift.
Yeah, but like conscious uncoupling. It's two people wanting to break up, right?
Yeah, but like conscious uncoupling. It's two people wanting to break up, right?
Okay, Dr. Bennett. Hey, Dr. Bennett, I have a pitch for Cosmo US.
Okay, Dr. Bennett. Hey, Dr. Bennett, I have a pitch for Cosmo US.
The article's called She Said No? And it's about girls, women, who have said no and have continued their relationships with the man that they said no to.
The article's called She Said No? And it's about girls, women, who have said no and have continued their relationships with the man that they said no to.
And then you have to talk to the guy and be like, how does it make you feel that she said no? And their families and their friends. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, I guess it's totally them. It's totally a them move. They're so like that.
And then you have to talk to the guy and be like, how does it make you feel that she said no? And their families and their friends. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, I guess it's totally them. It's totally a them move. They're so like that.
I agree with you.
I agree with you.
Yeah, I think one of the best relationships one can have is the waste of time relationship.
Yeah, I think one of the best relationships one can have is the waste of time relationship.
Oh, it's when you get into a relationship to waste time together. You're just like two people and you both don't have a ton going on. So you both throw yourselves into a really intense romantic relationship for like, it could go as long as a year, I think.
Oh, it's when you get into a relationship to waste time together. You're just like two people and you both don't have a ton going on. So you both throw yourselves into a really intense romantic relationship for like, it could go as long as a year, I think.
to just pass the time it's like when you take a job when you take a job that you're like i don't know if i'm gonna be at the job for a long time but it's something to do i've done relationships like that with a person but i have wait the thing that i keep seeing a lot on tiktok right now is like the three month rule do you know that no is that when you gotta you gotta shit or get off the pot as they say
to just pass the time it's like when you take a job when you take a job that you're like i don't know if i'm gonna be at the job for a long time but it's something to do i've done relationships like that with a person but i have wait the thing that i keep seeing a lot on tiktok right now is like the three month rule do you know that no is that when you gotta you gotta shit or get off the pot as they say
It means you have to pull the ejecting button like three months because that's when you define the relationship, DTR.
It means you have to pull the ejecting button like three months because that's when you define the relationship, DTR.
That makes sense. Yeah, and in improv, you know, you always want a yes and.
That makes sense. Yeah, and in improv, you know, you always want a yes and.
That's when you DTR define the relationship.
That's when you DTR define the relationship.
communication is just key like as long as you're like talking about it or not talking about it like as long as you're both on the same page like there's no right way to do it you have to do that i think communication is key as well yeah you know in fact with my current fiance uh my fiance which i think is it fiance for both man and woman like it's it's fiance for both it's interchangeable i think it is right i actually skipped right to wife i've been calling her my wife since we had the baby really oh
communication is just key like as long as you're like talking about it or not talking about it like as long as you're both on the same page like there's no right way to do it you have to do that i think communication is key as well yeah you know in fact with my current fiance uh my fiance which i think is it fiance for both man and woman like it's it's fiance for both it's interchangeable i think it is right i actually skipped right to wife i've been calling her my wife since we had the baby really oh
yeah because think about it i don't know i just think it sounds cooler to say my wife my wife yeah but we uh so i strung her along for i wouldn't call it stringing along but i we had an undefined relationship for a full year wow and it was a real relationship
yeah because think about it i don't know i just think it sounds cooler to say my wife my wife yeah but we uh so i strung her along for i wouldn't call it stringing along but i we had an undefined relationship for a full year wow and it was a real relationship
No, we were like dating and then we weren't and then we were just friends and then we were accidentally sleeping together again and then it was this and then it was that. And it was really bad. Not bad like toxic, but bad like...
No, we were like dating and then we weren't and then we were just friends and then we were accidentally sleeping together again and then it was this and then it was that. And it was really bad. Not bad like toxic, but bad like...
The classic building blocks of Upright Citizens Brigade.
The classic building blocks of Upright Citizens Brigade.
i was resisting i was like really digging my heels in even though i really knew i loved her but i was like not ready to enter up like a good man like i didn't i wasn't ready to like be a good good like a good boyfriend you know what i mean so i was like like i just asked for more time but inevitably the amount of time i wanted was always way too much time But finally, she got me. She got me.
i was resisting i was like really digging my heels in even though i really knew i loved her but i was like not ready to enter up like a good man like i didn't i wasn't ready to like be a good good like a good boyfriend you know what i mean so i was like like i just asked for more time but inevitably the amount of time i wanted was always way too much time But finally, she got me. She got me.
Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.
Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.
It was doomed?
It was doomed?
It was early. It was like literally a month in. I was like, this is going to be a really big problem.
It was early. It was like literally a month in. I was like, this is going to be a really big problem.
I was like, this is going to be a big problem. It's going to be a grand romance. And it's going to either end in massive heartbreak all around or it's going to end in marriage.
I was like, this is going to be a big problem. It's going to be a grand romance. And it's going to either end in massive heartbreak all around or it's going to end in marriage.
I love that term. Well, it was too intense. Everyone was too intense. I was too intense. She was too intense. And then just one day I had an epiphany where I was like, you know, I've had enough. I've had enough. But the context of this is I was married before that and I had just gotten divorced. And I met her like a year after my divorce.
I love that term. Well, it was too intense. Everyone was too intense. I was too intense. She was too intense. And then just one day I had an epiphany where I was like, you know, I've had enough. I've had enough. But the context of this is I was married before that and I had just gotten divorced. And I met her like a year after my divorce.
Oh, speaking of books, I read and completed my first book in probably five years.
Oh, speaking of books, I read and completed my first book in probably five years.
So I just wasn't ready to reenter into the negotiation period.
So I just wasn't ready to reenter into the negotiation period.
No, I know. It is tough on the person who is waiting. Yeah. But sometimes it's worth it because now we have a baby and we live together and we're getting married. And it took a year of dating. Also, Dale just dropped in the chat that masculine fiancé is fiancé with one E and feminine fiancé is fiancé with two E's.
No, I know. It is tough on the person who is waiting. Yeah. But sometimes it's worth it because now we have a baby and we live together and we're getting married. And it took a year of dating. Also, Dale just dropped in the chat that masculine fiancé is fiancé with one E and feminine fiancé is fiancé with two E's.
Thank you, Dale.
Thank you, Dale.
Yeah. How many engagements have you broken off?
Yeah. How many engagements have you broken off?
Willa.
Willa.
I think you have to at least have one. I think you need a divorce or a broken engagement. Everyone needs at least one.
I think you have to at least have one. I think you need a divorce or a broken engagement. Everyone needs at least one.
But there were pictures. There were pictures in the book.
But there were pictures. There were pictures in the book.
I think so.
I think so.
That's so rude.
That's so rude.
Do you want to be married someday?
Do you want to be married someday?
It was, it's Keith McNally's book.
It was, it's Keith McNally's book.
What do I think about what?
What do I think about what?
My dad was really old and my mom was really young. And he was a liar. He was a liar, which is really bad. I think these days he would have been canceled. Wow. Because he said that he was 30, but he was actually 40.
My dad was really old and my mom was really young. And he was a liar. He was a liar, which is really bad. I think these days he would have been canceled. Wow. Because he said that he was 30, but he was actually 40.
No, no. He actually said he was 35, but he was actually 45. And my mom was 25.
No, no. He actually said he was 35, but he was actually 45. And my mom was 25.
So my dad was 20 years older than my mom. And she didn't find out until like a full year after they were married.
So my dad was 20 years older than my mom. And she didn't find out until like a full year after they were married.
I mean, it's literally, I was like, I can't believe it. And by that point, I had already been born. So she was like, fuck me. What am I going to do? I just got to be with this guy now. And she just stayed with him.
I mean, it's literally, I was like, I can't believe it. And by that point, I had already been born. So she was like, fuck me. What am I going to do? I just got to be with this guy now. And she just stayed with him.
I'm with you on that one. I think that you should show your true colors, even if they're disgusting.
I'm with you on that one. I think that you should show your true colors, even if they're disgusting.
Super. I would highly recommend it to anyone who's listening to this podcast. Uh, even if you're not a fan of Keith McNally, but he's a great writer, has a great voice. And honestly, it's a very inspiring, you know what it made me want to do the whole, like, I was just like, fuck, I need to build like a Balthazar of my own.
Super. I would highly recommend it to anyone who's listening to this podcast. Uh, even if you're not a fan of Keith McNally, but he's a great writer, has a great voice. And honestly, it's a very inspiring, you know what it made me want to do the whole, like, I was just like, fuck, I need to build like a Balthazar of my own.
There's no, there's no use in duping anyone.
There's no, there's no use in duping anyone.
Have you always, have you always been the source of, uh, people confiding in you regarding their dating lives?
Have you always, have you always been the source of, uh, people confiding in you regarding their dating lives?
Or is this a new, new, it comes with a title.
Or is this a new, new, it comes with a title.
Doc Bennett.
Doc Bennett.
That's fun. Can I sit on one? No, I want, why? Why won't you let me into the editorial meeting?
That's fun. Can I sit on one? No, I want, why? Why won't you let me into the editorial meeting?
Let me into the editorial meeting.
Let me into the editorial meeting.
What's that?
What's that?
I've never been canceled.
I've never been canceled.
Whatever you want. I would be happy. I would be happy to join. No, I want to come and I just want to observe, like in class.
Whatever you want. I would be happy. I would be happy to join. No, I want to come and I just want to observe, like in class.
That's great. I like the way you run your newsroom.
That's great. I like the way you run your newsroom.
No, no. It made me want to build my own Balthazar.
No, no. It made me want to build my own Balthazar.
No, that's not, that's not cute.
No, that's not, that's not cute.
No, that's sick.
No, that's sick.
No, that's fire. And I believe the saying is actually, phone eats first.
No, that's fire. And I believe the saying is actually, phone eats first.
You said camera eats first.
You said camera eats first.
It's phone eats first. That's sick. I would have fucking banged that guy that night.
It's phone eats first. That's sick. I would have fucking banged that guy that night.
I was like... Well, you can't just leave. I got another confession to make. No, seriously, I have a confession about adulthood. I think that the hardest part about adulthood is cooking and eating. It is so hard for me. I'm a busy guy, but I think I found a solution. Factor.
I was like... Well, you can't just leave. I got another confession to make. No, seriously, I have a confession about adulthood. I think that the hardest part about adulthood is cooking and eating. It is so hard for me. I'm a busy guy, but I think I found a solution. Factor.
eating well has never been this easy you just heat up and enjoy giving you more time to do what you want to do for me that means podcasting it means riding the train it means spending time with my kid and bro there are over 45 weekly menu options you can pick from It's amazing.
eating well has never been this easy you just heat up and enjoy giving you more time to do what you want to do for me that means podcasting it means riding the train it means spending time with my kid and bro there are over 45 weekly menu options you can pick from It's amazing.
Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. So get started at factormeals.com slash subway takes 50 off and use subway takes 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's subway takes 50 off at factormeals.com slash subway takes for 50% off plus free shipping. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. So get started at factormeals.com slash subway takes 50 off and use subway takes 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's subway takes 50 off at factormeals.com slash subway takes for 50% off plus free shipping. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
Like, what is a grand... I want a grand opus.
Like, what is a grand... I want a grand opus.
Look, the older I get, the more important I think it is to maintain my mental health. The good news is mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say that they've avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.
Look, the older I get, the more important I think it is to maintain my mental health. The good news is mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say that they've avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.
grand opus yeah that's um i like that ambition um what just in in restaurant touring or just generally speaking in life i don't know you kind of want it like i feel like you know on the internet subway takes has changed new york city culture i really do you know people sit at dinner and they say like you know i've overheard people talking about their subway takes people have told me they've overheard people talking about their subway takes i've seen people watching subway takes on the train so it's like it's certainly a part of the zeitgeist it's as important as balthazar
grand opus yeah that's um i like that ambition um what just in in restaurant touring or just generally speaking in life i don't know you kind of want it like i feel like you know on the internet subway takes has changed new york city culture i really do you know people sit at dinner and they say like you know i've overheard people talking about their subway takes people have told me they've overheard people talking about their subway takes i've seen people watching subway takes on the train so it's like it's certainly a part of the zeitgeist it's as important as balthazar
But nobody should feel judged or embarrassed for starting therapy because it's really helpful. It has helped me learn positive coping skills for how to deal with stress and time management and empowers me to be the best version of myself. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, and serving over 5 million people worldwide. We're all better with help.
But nobody should feel judged or embarrassed for starting therapy because it's really helpful. It has helped me learn positive coping skills for how to deal with stress and time management and empowers me to be the best version of myself. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, and serving over 5 million people worldwide. We're all better with help.
Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
Yeah, yeah. And also you have to have the one-hour limit. I like a day date. I like either a lunch date or an early afternoon date. Like a drink before you go to dinner with your friends. Because then there's always the out. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. And also you have to have the one-hour limit. I like a day date. I like either a lunch date or an early afternoon date. Like a drink before you go to dinner with your friends. Because then there's always the out. Yes.
Oh, God. It was happening to me constantly.
Oh, God. It was happening to me constantly.
Yeah. They get mad. Sometimes they used to get mad.
Yeah. They get mad. Sometimes they used to get mad.
If I was not interested, they'd be like, well, you're not going to take me home? I'd be like, no.
If I was not interested, they'd be like, well, you're not going to take me home? I'd be like, no.
don't bully me like yeah you're disgusting no like i'm like i think you might i think you might be the nicest guest i've ever had on the show really yeah you're so respectful and nice i i you would never call someone disgusting just because they said phone eats first i would i would call someone disgusting for that
don't bully me like yeah you're disgusting no like i'm like i think you might i think you might be the nicest guest i've ever had on the show really yeah you're so respectful and nice i i you would never call someone disgusting just because they said phone eats first i would i would call someone disgusting for that
I think it's cool to say phone eats first.
I think it's cool to say phone eats first.
It needs to be really rare. Because sometimes you do hit it off with someone as a friend and you go, I really like you as a friend. And it's actually serious and sincere. And if the other person is adult enough and responsible enough, they can take that on the chin and be like, you know what? I think you're right. And then there's no hard feelings. But rare. I'd say like one out of a hundred.
It needs to be really rare. Because sometimes you do hit it off with someone as a friend and you go, I really like you as a friend. And it's actually serious and sincere. And if the other person is adult enough and responsible enough, they can take that on the chin and be like, you know what? I think you're right. And then there's no hard feelings. But rare. I'd say like one out of a hundred.
But I think the basis of a great relationship is friendship. A great romantic relationship. definitely you know like i wouldn't your ex-wife what's that have you ever do you reach out to your ex-wife no way yeah same we're not i mean we're not but we were never friends which is why our relationship failed interesting i think
But I think the basis of a great relationship is friendship. A great romantic relationship. definitely you know like i wouldn't your ex-wife what's that have you ever do you reach out to your ex-wife no way yeah same we're not i mean we're not but we were never friends which is why our relationship failed interesting i think
I have to check my NDA. I have to check my NDA, my divorce agreement, to see if I'm allowed to NDA her. She's awesome. I loved her very much.
I have to check my NDA. I have to check my NDA, my divorce agreement, to see if I'm allowed to NDA her. She's awesome. I loved her very much.
I don't think I have an NDA, but I should check. I should ask my divorce lawyer, who actually was a referral from probably a mutual friend of ours. I'm serious. My divorce lawyer was a referral from another person who works in the media biz. And I was like, oh, I'm about to get a divorce. And she was like, oh my God, I just got one. Do you want my lawyer? I was like, great, yes.
I don't think I have an NDA, but I should check. I should ask my divorce lawyer, who actually was a referral from probably a mutual friend of ours. I'm serious. My divorce lawyer was a referral from another person who works in the media biz. And I was like, oh, I'm about to get a divorce. And she was like, oh my God, I just got one. Do you want my lawyer? I was like, great, yes.
And then I was like, I didn't do any interviewing. I was just like, sure, whatever. This works. But that's kind of how I do everything.
And then I was like, I didn't do any interviewing. I was just like, sure, whatever. This works. But that's kind of how I do everything.
But I think you just want to go a little bit bigger, maybe physical. I don't know.
But I think you just want to go a little bit bigger, maybe physical. I don't know.
Yeah, why not? I mean, they can't be that different. It's just a bunch of papers. Okay, so I want to do takes on takes.
Yeah, why not? I mean, they can't be that different. It's just a bunch of papers. Okay, so I want to do takes on takes.
So takes on takes is when you get to be me. And I'll read a take and then you either 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay.
So takes on takes is when you get to be me. And I'll read a take and then you either 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay.
what's your take no oh okay okay okay cool so i get to be the other people yeah yeah do it okay so what's your take everybody can cook 100 disagree 100 agree with your 100 disagree that just happened with a chef chef jose andres who's sick and legendary but his that not everybody can cook
what's your take no oh okay okay okay cool so i get to be the other people yeah yeah do it okay so what's your take everybody can cook 100 disagree 100 agree with your 100 disagree that just happened with a chef chef jose andres who's sick and legendary but his that not everybody can cook
I think the hardest part for me is patience.
I think the hardest part for me is patience.
Like, oh, we're going to sit here in the kitchen and just fucking make a spaghetti limon.
Like, oh, we're going to sit here in the kitchen and just fucking make a spaghetti limon.
And then also the ingredient gathering. Like, no one has limon. So you have to go to the store and buy limon.
And then also the ingredient gathering. Like, no one has limon. So you have to go to the store and buy limon.
Exactly. And just go to Little Frankie's and get the spaghetti. But you know what's happened is ever since I had a baby, I've been like, should I become the cook in the house? There's something sexy about that. Like my kid being like, I'm like, oh, I made you pad thai. Think about how sick that is.
Exactly. And just go to Little Frankie's and get the spaghetti. But you know what's happened is ever since I had a baby, I've been like, should I become the cook in the house? There's something sexy about that. Like my kid being like, I'm like, oh, I made you pad thai. Think about how sick that is.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Yeah, I think it's sick. Honestly, today I've been thinking about, do I stop at the store and pick up ingredients to make legitimately Thai food?
Yeah, I think it's sick. Honestly, today I've been thinking about, do I stop at the store and pick up ingredients to make legitimately Thai food?
But I'm not going to do it.
But I'm not going to do it.
I got too much to do.
I got too much to do.
Yeah, same.
Yeah, same.
but like i don't want to cook i don't want to cook like grilled chicken and asparagus i want to cook like literally like what what chicken florentine i'm just making up words right now whatever chicken florentine is or like beef uh you know snafu sounds fun like i want to cook something like unique yeah yeah like green curry i love a green curry um i know but you probably ordered at the restaurant yeah same okay next take ready yeah all right what's so what's your take
but like i don't want to cook i don't want to cook like grilled chicken and asparagus i want to cook like literally like what what chicken florentine i'm just making up words right now whatever chicken florentine is or like beef uh you know snafu sounds fun like i want to cook something like unique yeah yeah like green curry i love a green curry um i know but you probably ordered at the restaurant yeah same okay next take ready yeah all right what's so what's your take
Maybe a podcast studio.
Maybe a podcast studio.
The men who tell women that they should smile more because they are prettier are correct.
The men who tell women that they should smile more because they are prettier are correct.
No, this girl who said it, her name is Tien. She shoots Subway takes and she wanted to do a take and I let her do a take and that was her take. And again, I warned her. I was like, I don't know, man. This is... This is above my pay grade, but you're a woman. You should say the sake. And she explained it really well. And the comments were like, look, her sentiment is correct.
No, this girl who said it, her name is Tien. She shoots Subway takes and she wanted to do a take and I let her do a take and that was her take. And again, I warned her. I was like, I don't know, man. This is... This is above my pay grade, but you're a woman. You should say the sake. And she explained it really well. And the comments were like, look, her sentiment is correct.
And she's pretty much saying that it is facts that no matter who tells... That when you're smiling, you are more beautiful and joyful. She was like, that's a fact. And she's like, but so the men... By what standards?
And she's pretty much saying that it is facts that no matter who tells... That when you're smiling, you are more beautiful and joyful. She was like, that's a fact. And she's like, but so the men... By what standards?
I don't know. Look, man. You just watch this.
I don't know. Look, man. You just watch this.
She was like, everyone's more beautiful when they smile. But she didn't agree with the sentiment. And she was like, yes, the men are wrong because it's coming from a disgusting place in their hearts. And they should never tell a woman to do. But the words are true.
She was like, everyone's more beautiful when they smile. But she didn't agree with the sentiment. And she was like, yes, the men are wrong because it's coming from a disgusting place in their hearts. And they should never tell a woman to do. But the words are true.
But what about the context for the story?
But what about the context for the story?
yeah i mean i kind of like it yeah but you're you're like a dude yeah i kind of like it until somebody says something mean about me and then i get sad yeah i just again like i think there's some stuff like you just like it's private like it's personal you don't know i don't know all right next one so what's your take the first place you should you wash in the shower says everything about you
yeah i mean i kind of like it yeah but you're you're like a dude yeah i kind of like it until somebody says something mean about me and then i get sad yeah i just again like i think there's some stuff like you just like it's private like it's personal you don't know i don't know all right next one so what's your take the first place you should you wash in the shower says everything about you
But for those that don't know, Andrew Kuo and I have been business partners and creative partners for quite some time. It's Andrew Kuo, not the artist who you've probably seen on the internet. This is a different Andrew Kuo who, former lawyer, former banker, former Manhattanite. No, I'm still a Manhattan guy.
But for those that don't know, Andrew Kuo and I have been business partners and creative partners for quite some time. It's Andrew Kuo, not the artist who you've probably seen on the internet. This is a different Andrew Kuo who, former lawyer, former banker, former Manhattanite. No, I'm still a Manhattan guy.
But do you have a methodology in the shower? Or do you freestyle it?
But do you have a methodology in the shower? Or do you freestyle it?
Every time. It's always different. You don't start top down, bottom up. No? Okay. Well, it sounds like you're a really creative person since you shower three times a day and you don't stick to one regimen.
Every time. It's always different. You don't start top down, bottom up. No? Okay. Well, it sounds like you're a really creative person since you shower three times a day and you don't stick to one regimen.
I wash my chest first.
I wash my chest first.
No, I'm just saying I wash my chest first and then I wash my arms and then I wash my armpits first. I don't wash my legs and we don't have to discuss our private parts on this.
No, I'm just saying I wash my chest first and then I wash my arms and then I wash my armpits first. I don't wash my legs and we don't have to discuss our private parts on this.
The best things in life are cash only.
The best things in life are cash only.
Oh, wow. All right. Refuted. Refuted. Bang, bang, bang. All right. Last one. If someone wants to become a DJ, they have to earn a degree.
Oh, wow. All right. Refuted. Refuted. Bang, bang, bang. All right. Last one. If someone wants to become a DJ, they have to earn a degree.
In DJing.
In DJing.
I love the internet. I really do. When I was young, I had no other hobbies.
I love the internet. I really do. When I was young, I had no other hobbies.
Really? We probably met on MySpace.
Really? We probably met on MySpace.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
We did.
Yeah. Mine was The Chemicals Between Us.
Yeah. Mine was The Chemicals Between Us.
What are The Chemicals Between Us? I was really emo as well.
What are The Chemicals Between Us? I was really emo as well.
You know, it's a special alchemy of love, respect, inquisitiveness, imagination, vibes.
You know, it's a special alchemy of love, respect, inquisitiveness, imagination, vibes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
No more takes.
No more takes.
You want to do more takes?
You want to do more takes?
I think that she should do just that.
I think that she should do just that.
I think that everyone should do what they desire to do. And if their heart desires them to work, that's what they should do. I mean, I oftentimes, and as a man, I know that, you know, it's like, oh, you know, it's not really, it's not really like, it's not debated. Like, usually men are allowed to work or choose work, right? Like, it's not like a conversation that needs to be had.
I think that everyone should do what they desire to do. And if their heart desires them to work, that's what they should do. I mean, I oftentimes, and as a man, I know that, you know, it's like, oh, you know, it's not really, it's not really like, it's not debated. Like, usually men are allowed to work or choose work, right? Like, it's not like a conversation that needs to be had.
I don't even know where I was going with this.
I don't even know where I was going with this.
But I feel like I always have to, like, I love work. I say it all the time.
But I feel like I always have to, like, I love work. I say it all the time.
I think some people don't love work. And they could be men or women.
I think some people don't love work. And they could be men or women.
Did you read the Keith McNally book yet?
Did you read the Keith McNally book yet?
Are you planning on reading it?
Are you planning on reading it?
Really? Wait, I didn't know about this tea.
Really? Wait, I didn't know about this tea.
I mean, I think the book is fantastic, especially for people who are workaholics.
I mean, I think the book is fantastic, especially for people who are workaholics.
I found it to be very inspiring. I read it in Puerto Rico, and it was the... Before or after the engagement?
I found it to be very inspiring. I read it in Puerto Rico, and it was the... Before or after the engagement?
Before. I finished it before. Nice. I finished it in three days, and then I proposed on the fourth day.
Before. I finished it before. Nice. I finished it in three days, and then I proposed on the fourth day.
nice yeah but it was it was a book i was like oh this is nice a guy who likes working and also failing and also being in like tumultuous relationships and dealing with some adversity when he had the stroke and i was just like this is just an inspiring nice book to read okay i'll read it and report back i'm gonna go stand in line on saturday and get assigned really i'm a stan sadly oh are you having a bachelor is your wife having a bachelorette
nice yeah but it was it was a book i was like oh this is nice a guy who likes working and also failing and also being in like tumultuous relationships and dealing with some adversity when he had the stroke and i was just like this is just an inspiring nice book to read okay i'll read it and report back i'm gonna go stand in line on saturday and get assigned really i'm a stan sadly oh are you having a bachelor is your wife having a bachelorette
I'm encouraging her to have a bachelorette.
I'm encouraging her to have a bachelorette.
Well, she's a writer. Can I send you some stuff?
Well, she's a writer. Can I send you some stuff?
I'm going to send you some of her stuff. She just started, actually, but she's really good. She's actually a great writer.
I'm going to send you some of her stuff. She just started, actually, but she's really good. She's actually a great writer.
I'm supporting her. Yeah, I'll tell her to pitch you.
I'm supporting her. Yeah, I'll tell her to pitch you.
She usually writes about motherhood and womanhood.
She usually writes about motherhood and womanhood.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Okay. Are you going to give me a promo code?
Okay. Are you going to give me a promo code?
Queen. Come on. Actually, I'm going to call you King. King is a non-binary term. King.
Queen. Come on. Actually, I'm going to call you King. King is a non-binary term. King.
Oh, 15 a year on locks at all? That's not a bad deal.
Oh, 15 a year on locks at all? That's not a bad deal.
What color is the hat?
What color is the hat?
Well, you're not the one sending out the hats, are you?
Well, you're not the one sending out the hats, are you?
That would be so sick. Wait, I'm actually doing it right now. Cosmopolitan All Access membership.
That would be so sick. Wait, I'm actually doing it right now. Cosmopolitan All Access membership.
No, I'm buying it for me.
No, I'm buying it for me.
Oh, God. Does it auto-renew you?
Oh, God. Does it auto-renew you?
Well, I'm literally, I'm not going to end this podcast until I'm done.
Well, I'm literally, I'm not going to end this podcast until I'm done.
I'm accepting the privacy in terms.
I'm accepting the privacy in terms.
You're not in it, though. I'm sorry. You're not in it. You're Walton Goggins. You live upstate. Walton Goggins lives upstate. You live upstate. You guys are both Hudson Valley guys.
You're not in it, though. I'm sorry. You're not in it. You're Walton Goggins. You live upstate. Walton Goggins lives upstate. You live upstate. You guys are both Hudson Valley guys.
I think it's great. I used to read it when I was a kid.
I think it's great. I used to read it when I was a kid.
I also used to watch Sex and the City. This is how, this was my research.
I also used to watch Sex and the City. This is how, this was my research.
That's a hack. That's a life hack. If you want to get girls, you have to read Cosmo and you have to watch Sex and the City.
That's a hack. That's a life hack. If you want to get girls, you have to read Cosmo and you have to watch Sex and the City.
I mean, I think many people think that this is a one-man show, the one-man operation.
I mean, I think many people think that this is a one-man show, the one-man operation.
I know.
I know.
I just put my address in there.
I just put my address in there.
Drop the address?
Drop the address?
Yes, of course. I think I can put this on my business card. Look.
Yes, of course. I think I can put this on my business card. Look.
I should not have said that Dale we have to bleep that out okay so billing address same as shipping address place order I put it on my business Amex because this is a business deal technically and your order is being processed if you're not automatically redirected refresh this page well you are you have done your job and I am the proud owner of a Cosmo subscription
I should not have said that Dale we have to bleep that out okay so billing address same as shipping address place order I put it on my business Amex because this is a business deal technically and your order is being processed if you're not automatically redirected refresh this page well you are you have done your job and I am the proud owner of a Cosmo subscription
Look at that.
Look at that.
Okay. And you make sure that my hat is like navy blue if that's possible.
Okay. And you make sure that my hat is like navy blue if that's possible.
Okay. Thank you. You can give that to her. I'm too thick for a crop top. I know you're going to say no one's too thick for a crop top. All bodies are great. But guess what? I'm not comfortable wearing a crop top.
Okay. Thank you. You can give that to her. I'm too thick for a crop top. I know you're going to say no one's too thick for a crop top. All bodies are great. But guess what? I'm not comfortable wearing a crop top.
I'll take the carabiner.
I'll take the carabiner.
I put stickers on my Ramoa suitcase.
I put stickers on my Ramoa suitcase.
Well, listen, when I saw the damn price at $15 a year, how could I not? $15 a year is $1 a day, practically.
Well, listen, when I saw the damn price at $15 a year, how could I not? $15 a year is $1 a day, practically.
You guys are practically giving it away. If I was you, I'd boost those prices a little bit.
You guys are practically giving it away. If I was you, I'd boost those prices a little bit.
I like how Walton Goggins looks.
I like how Walton Goggins looks.
Cosmos for the streets. All right, Willa, where can people find you?
Cosmos for the streets. All right, Willa, where can people find you?
And follow Cosmopolitan on the internet as well. You guys know where to find that, people.
And follow Cosmopolitan on the internet as well. You guys know where to find that, people.
Well, thank you for coming on the show. You've been awesome. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Well, thank you for coming on the show. You've been awesome. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Thank you. And I'm sure people will DM you after this episode.
Thank you. And I'm sure people will DM you after this episode.
Yeah. Podcasts are dating out.
Yeah. Podcasts are dating out.
I mean, he has such riz. He has incredible riz. Right? He's riz'd the fuck up. He's riz'd beyond belief.
I mean, he has such riz. He has incredible riz. Right? He's riz'd the fuck up. He's riz'd beyond belief.
No, they're writing Walter.
No, they're writing Walter.
I became familiar with Walton Goggins. Actually, I guess I'm a late head. I've seen him. He's been in so many things. He's always been there, and he's one of those guys that's like, oh, that's that guy, right? He's like one of those kinds of guys to me. There's a lot of those guys. And it wasn't until I think his mainstream popularity, which is that of the White Lotus, is when I really –
I became familiar with Walton Goggins. Actually, I guess I'm a late head. I've seen him. He's been in so many things. He's always been there, and he's one of those guys that's like, oh, that's that guy, right? He's like one of those kinds of guys to me. There's a lot of those guys. And it wasn't until I think his mainstream popularity, which is that of the White Lotus, is when I really –
And then the press tour. I mean, the press tour around that was brilliant. They made him a star. Late bloomer, but he's a damn star now.
And then the press tour. I mean, the press tour around that was brilliant. They made him a star. Late bloomer, but he's a damn star now.
C'est la vie, but he is a star now. He's a late bloomer, right? Like, he's always been an actor, but I don't think anyone was like, oh, I love Walton Goggins.
C'est la vie, but he is a star now. He's a late bloomer, right? Like, he's always been an actor, but I don't think anyone was like, oh, I love Walton Goggins.
Yeah. But no, I don't think his body is that interesting to me. His body looks like many other men's bodies. I mean, his riz, I think, is based on the fact that he is what one would traditionally call an ugly person. And he's not necessarily commercially attractive. He definitely has a five head.
Yeah. But no, I don't think his body is that interesting to me. His body looks like many other men's bodies. I mean, his riz, I think, is based on the fact that he is what one would traditionally call an ugly person. And he's not necessarily commercially attractive. He definitely has a five head.
uh this is a compliment by the way he has a five head not a forehead and his hairline is crazy and his hair is crazy and his teeth are crazy i mean man's looks he looks crazy yeah he looks ai generated a little bit he looks ai generated and disheveled and homeless
uh this is a compliment by the way he has a five head not a forehead and his hairline is crazy and his hair is crazy and his teeth are crazy i mean man's looks he looks crazy yeah he looks ai generated a little bit he looks ai generated and disheveled and homeless
Yeah, but I always tell people the secret to my success is that I work with a lot of people. Collaborator. I'm a collaborator.
Yeah, but I always tell people the secret to my success is that I work with a lot of people. Collaborator. I'm a collaborator.
For those that don't know, that's Architectural Digest.
For those that don't know, that's Architectural Digest.
I mean, his house was kind of tight, though. How proud of you? How proud were you of seeing the Hudson Valley in such a wonderful, distinct light, being an upstate guy yourself? Yeah.
I mean, his house was kind of tight, though. How proud of you? How proud were you of seeing the Hudson Valley in such a wonderful, distinct light, being an upstate guy yourself? Yeah.
His house was kind of interesting. Yeah. So I met him and his wife. By the way, all of these things I'm saying about Walton Goggins are compliments. I think that he's a great guy, and he's really funny, and he was really nice to me. And we hung out for a little bit, and his wife started talking to me. And he told me that he has spent 30 years in Los Angeles.
His house was kind of interesting. Yeah. So I met him and his wife. By the way, all of these things I'm saying about Walton Goggins are compliments. I think that he's a great guy, and he's really funny, and he was really nice to me. And we hung out for a little bit, and his wife started talking to me. And he told me that he has spent 30 years in Los Angeles.
And then they just decided to move to New York and decided to make their residence Hudson Valley. And so they don't own or rent an apartment in New York City. He lives, he's like you, he lives upstate.
And then they just decided to move to New York and decided to make their residence Hudson Valley. And so they don't own or rent an apartment in New York City. He lives, he's like you, he lives upstate.
I ran into him at the Cultured 100 event.
I ran into him at the Cultured 100 event.
which his photo shoot did numbers for them because he did that you know he did the banana there's like a photo of oh it was a yellow bikini yellow speedo yeah and that's what I'm talking about the man's never wearing a shirt he's never wearing a shirt I think you know he's so he was so happy like I was like oh he's really just a happy guy and I get the impression that he's like game for whatever
which his photo shoot did numbers for them because he did that you know he did the banana there's like a photo of oh it was a yellow bikini yellow speedo yeah and that's what I'm talking about the man's never wearing a shirt he's never wearing a shirt I think you know he's so he was so happy like I was like oh he's really just a happy guy and I get the impression that he's like game for whatever
I think his teeth are fake.
I think his teeth are fake.
But I think they're fake. I think I read that he got hit with a baseball or something in the face a long time ago when he was a kid. I think he's had those teeth for a long time.
But I think they're fake. I think I read that he got hit with a baseball or something in the face a long time ago when he was a kid. I think he's had those teeth for a long time.
I'm a collab post kind of guy.
I'm a collab post kind of guy.
I don't know if they keep changing the sizes, but he would play a great Joker.
I don't know if they keep changing the sizes, but he would play a great Joker.
He has the body type. If he lost like 20 pounds, he would be real sickly looking. And then they don't have to do much to his face.
He has the body type. If he lost like 20 pounds, he would be real sickly looking. And then they don't have to do much to his face.
I'm not obsessed with his body. You're obsessed with his body.
I'm not obsessed with his body. You're obsessed with his body.
Well, I'm excited. We just recorded with Willa Bennett, who is the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine.
Well, I'm excited. We just recorded with Willa Bennett, who is the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine.
No, but his wife invited me upstate. No, he invited me upstate. But I don't know how serious he was.
No, but his wife invited me upstate. No, he invited me upstate. But I don't know how serious he was.
Well, that's one thing that I have found really hard is that I meet so many cool people, stars, and I don't know how to convert it into a friendship.
Well, that's one thing that I have found really hard is that I meet so many cool people, stars, and I don't know how to convert it into a friendship.
How do you convert, you know, like Jose Andres, for example, was on the show. Yeah. And I have been a big fan of his for a long time. But I only get 7 to 10 minutes, 15 minutes with the guy. And there's also a bunch of other people around. So we don't really establish a very kinetic relationship. And I don't know how to become friends.
How do you convert, you know, like Jose Andres, for example, was on the show. Yeah. And I have been a big fan of his for a long time. But I only get 7 to 10 minutes, 15 minutes with the guy. And there's also a bunch of other people around. So we don't really establish a very kinetic relationship. And I don't know how to become friends.
I have a hard time learning how to... I don't know how to become friends.
I have a hard time learning how to... I don't know how to become friends.
yes and uh i actually purchased a subscription to cosmopolitan while we were podcasting oh shit okay right on probably the first time that's ever happened which is cool it's unique yeah yeah that you've yeah you bought something live no no i bought a subscription to the magazine that she works for
yes and uh i actually purchased a subscription to cosmopolitan while we were podcasting oh shit okay right on probably the first time that's ever happened which is cool it's unique yeah yeah that you've yeah you bought something live no no i bought a subscription to the magazine that she works for
What did you do there? Well, that one was just natural because I don't have enough old people in my life, so I gravitated towards him. right i guess and he's a he's a he's an you know he's a he's not as busy i don't think as like walton goggins
What did you do there? Well, that one was just natural because I don't have enough old people in my life, so I gravitated towards him. right i guess and he's a he's a he's an you know he's a he's not as busy i don't think as like walton goggins
One, two, three, whiskey. Do you have any?
One, two, three, whiskey. Do you have any?
100% agree. Oh, is this my stop? Oh, this is my stop. I gotta go. Thank you so much. It was great to meet you.
100% agree. Oh, is this my stop? Oh, this is my stop. I gotta go. Thank you so much. It was great to meet you.
You honestly look great today. Like, well-rested. Wow. I love when you wear a backwards hat.
You honestly look great today. Like, well-rested. Wow. I love when you wear a backwards hat.
Oh, no. I hate the skin. Obviously, you don't have a chemical reaction to the air outside. It's probably the sun. You were on vacation.
Oh, no. I hate the skin. Obviously, you don't have a chemical reaction to the air outside. It's probably the sun. You were on vacation.
And they don't have facial moisturizer and Turks and Gagos?
And they don't have facial moisturizer and Turks and Gagos?
You know, what's really interesting is I've known your name since I was seven years old. I'm 38. So I've known your name for 37 years, which is fascinating to me because your work is so profound and inspiring and impactful. But I think it's a testament to how well you've done for the world and the environment that as a little boy, I knew your name.
You know, what's really interesting is I've known your name since I was seven years old. I'm 38. So I've known your name for 37 years, which is fascinating to me because your work is so profound and inspiring and impactful. But I think it's a testament to how well you've done for the world and the environment that as a little boy, I knew your name.
No, I think you're right. Here's the thing. If it's for your hair, I'm comfortable putting it on my skin. Like I have washed my body with shampoo.
No, I think you're right. Here's the thing. If it's for your hair, I'm comfortable putting it on my skin. Like I have washed my body with shampoo.
No, no. I've like literally washed my body. Like if there's no soap, I mean, I think it's acceptable to wash your body with the same thing that you wash your hair with because same kind of philosophy that you have. I know that your hair or your face is a part of your body, but I think it's more acceptable. But I would never, if it says body lotion, I'm not putting it on my face. Yeah.
No, no. I've like literally washed my body. Like if there's no soap, I mean, I think it's acceptable to wash your body with the same thing that you wash your hair with because same kind of philosophy that you have. I know that your hair or your face is a part of your body, but I think it's more acceptable. But I would never, if it says body lotion, I'm not putting it on my face. Yeah.
And I think it's because it's more oily. Yeah. And then you get zits.
And I think it's because it's more oily. Yeah. And then you get zits.
I have a very simple routine. It's a man's routine. I only use moisturizer. So like in the morning, I only wash my face with water. I have very neutral skin, meaning that it's not dry and it's also not oily. It's kind of perfect. And that's what the guy at Aesop told me. So I use a moisturizer, honestly brand agnostic, whatever's available at Costco. Two furs. They got two furs out there. Nice.
I have a very simple routine. It's a man's routine. I only use moisturizer. So like in the morning, I only wash my face with water. I have very neutral skin, meaning that it's not dry and it's also not oily. It's kind of perfect. And that's what the guy at Aesop told me. So I use a moisturizer, honestly brand agnostic, whatever's available at Costco. Two furs. They got two furs out there. Nice.
Um, so whatever's available or a duty free on my way out. Sometimes if I'm coming back from a nice locale, such as Paris, like I bought moisturizer in Paris at the airport.
Um, so whatever's available or a duty free on my way out. Sometimes if I'm coming back from a nice locale, such as Paris, like I bought moisturizer in Paris at the airport.
Or you just ran out. Clinique. Nice.
Or you just ran out. Clinique. Nice.
No, I know. But there's something about buying it in Paris. Well, the reason I bought it is because I was in a pinch. I like to put moisturizer on in the plane, too, on my face before I enter the plane because it's so dry. These are little hacks. But honestly, the only thing I do for my face is keep it moisturized. And then I also apply an SPF, a very light SPF product.
No, I know. But there's something about buying it in Paris. Well, the reason I bought it is because I was in a pinch. I like to put moisturizer on in the plane, too, on my face before I enter the plane because it's so dry. These are little hacks. But honestly, the only thing I do for my face is keep it moisturized. And then I also apply an SPF, a very light SPF product.
Like for me, it's all about protecting the moneymaker. Like I wasn't doing these things five years ago.
Like for me, it's all about protecting the moneymaker. Like I wasn't doing these things five years ago.
Do I have a cup at all times?
Do I have a cup at all times?
Why do you think the nuts help make money? Because you have to have high tea?
Why do you think the nuts help make money? Because you have to have high tea?
Well, I think tea is developed in the nut sack.
Well, I think tea is developed in the nut sack.
We're trying to get drunk.
We're trying to get drunk.
Wait, I'm curious to understand why you think that the balls are so important. I really don't think that they're that important.
Wait, I'm curious to understand why you think that the balls are so important. I really don't think that they're that important.
probably have low tea you might want to check that out you know so this is more of a tea take and less of a nut sack take but i guess it's connected because the tea comes from the nuts yeah the tea definitely comes from the nuts man i would agree with that i think i think people who have like i don't know where my tea level's at but i think i think it fluctuates i think sometimes i have high tea and some days i have a low tea and when i have high tea i'm pretty great it's like being on coke
probably have low tea you might want to check that out you know so this is more of a tea take and less of a nut sack take but i guess it's connected because the tea comes from the nuts yeah the tea definitely comes from the nuts man i would agree with that i think i think people who have like i don't know where my tea level's at but i think i think it fluctuates i think sometimes i have high tea and some days i have a low tea and when i have high tea i'm pretty great it's like being on coke
That's why they really call it, they call it Coke dick. So that's why it's low-T. Also, they changed the recipe, the cocaine recipe, and now it makes people sleepy or dead. Yeah, it makes me really sleepy. That's what I'm saying. It makes me really sleepy. I don't like – it's not fun. You just – I've literally – I don't want to talk about this. I'm a father. I don't want to talk about this.
That's why they really call it, they call it Coke dick. So that's why it's low-T. Also, they changed the recipe, the cocaine recipe, and now it makes people sleepy or dead. Yeah, it makes me really sleepy. That's what I'm saying. It makes me really sleepy. I don't like – it's not fun. You just – I've literally – I don't want to talk about this. I'm a father. I don't want to talk about this.
I'm not talking about this anymore. Yeah, let's not talk about it. We shouldn't talk about this. So you have dry skin on your face. I did notice that your sunglasses yesterday at the big shoot that we did, at the big A-list celebrity shoot that people will see. Actually, they've already seen a photo with Cate Blanchett. And that episode will probably be out.
I'm not talking about this anymore. Yeah, let's not talk about it. We shouldn't talk about this. So you have dry skin on your face. I did notice that your sunglasses yesterday at the big shoot that we did, at the big A-list celebrity shoot that people will see. Actually, they've already seen a photo with Cate Blanchett. And that episode will probably be out.
You had sand on your sunglasses and I was a little embarrassed for you, not because it's like sloppy or dirty, but because it's kind of a Casey Neistat move.
You had sand on your sunglasses and I was a little embarrassed for you, not because it's like sloppy or dirty, but because it's kind of a Casey Neistat move.
interesting probably thanks to national geographic probably thanks to national geographic i saw a lot of pictures of you with with chimpanzees yeah and you look pretty good Looked pretty good. I was smitten. I was smitten back then.
interesting probably thanks to national geographic probably thanks to national geographic i saw a lot of pictures of you with with chimpanzees yeah and you look pretty good Looked pretty good. I was smitten. I was smitten back then.
I think he does. That's so... I mean, I don't want to badmouth the guy, but that glasses thing is super loser core. I know. I obviously wear sunglasses all the time. I think that wearing sunglasses is cool. And I'm self-conscious about how often I wear them, but I think it's cool. I think it's cool to wear sunglasses. But to damage any of your goods intentionally to make them look worn in...
I think he does. That's so... I mean, I don't want to badmouth the guy, but that glasses thing is super loser core. I know. I obviously wear sunglasses all the time. I think that wearing sunglasses is cool. And I'm self-conscious about how often I wear them, but I think it's cool. I think it's cool to wear sunglasses. But to damage any of your goods intentionally to make them look worn in...
It's kind of a loser move, especially when it's randomly just white out on the sunglasses. Like, what?
It's kind of a loser move, especially when it's randomly just white out on the sunglasses. Like, what?
I don't think you need to. I think sunglasses look good when they're fresh. Like, I think I understand someone wanting to de-stress their motorcycle jacket or their boots or like a fucking even a hat. You know, I like when my hat.
I don't think you need to. I think sunglasses look good when they're fresh. Like, I think I understand someone wanting to de-stress their motorcycle jacket or their boots or like a fucking even a hat. You know, I like when my hat.
is sun faded so i will intentionally if i get a new baseball cap i will wear it often like i'll wear it for like two weeks straight i'll leave it outside i make sure i wear it to the ocean make it wet put it out again like i'll make it wet six times i'll try to fade it as quickly as possible but something with the sunglasses is gross and weird
is sun faded so i will intentionally if i get a new baseball cap i will wear it often like i'll wear it for like two weeks straight i'll leave it outside i make sure i wear it to the ocean make it wet put it out again like i'll make it wet six times i'll try to fade it as quickly as possible but something with the sunglasses is gross and weird
Can I ask you a question though? Yeah.
Can I ask you a question though? Yeah.
No, no, no. I don't intentionally keep it crisp, but I do think that the leather jacket, like I have a couple that are like vintage and they're just, you know, they're damaged. Right. Can you hear my baby crying? I'm just curious.
No, no, no. I don't intentionally keep it crisp, but I do think that the leather jacket, like I have a couple that are like vintage and they're just, you know, they're damaged. Right. Can you hear my baby crying? I'm just curious.
Oh, amazing. Or Sufi. Great. Or Sufi. No, it's day two of the nanny. Oh, nice. So there's bound to be some growing pains. No, the leather jacket thing, I think, again, it's one of those things where it depends on the vibe. I have at least four leather jackets. Wow. One of them seems really broken in because it is because it's vintage.
Oh, amazing. Or Sufi. Great. Or Sufi. No, it's day two of the nanny. Oh, nice. So there's bound to be some growing pains. No, the leather jacket thing, I think, again, it's one of those things where it depends on the vibe. I have at least four leather jackets. Wow. One of them seems really broken in because it is because it's vintage.
Another one is slightly broken in because it is because it's also vintage. And then my new leather jacket, the newest of the bunch, is crispy simply because it's brand new. Like, what am I going to do? Run it over with my fucking car?
Another one is slightly broken in because it is because it's also vintage. And then my new leather jacket, the newest of the bunch, is crispy simply because it's brand new. Like, what am I going to do? Run it over with my fucking car?
I also think I think that look is like very diesel.
I also think I think that look is like very diesel.
I think it's having, I think it will have a comeback. I think Diesel and all of those, like a structure that doesn't exist anymore. No, it doesn't. Express, I don't think that exists anymore.
I think it's having, I think it will have a comeback. I think Diesel and all of those, like a structure that doesn't exist anymore. No, it doesn't. Express, I don't think that exists anymore.
I was an Anichi kind of guy. You know, Anichi is N-Y-C. Did you know that? I knew that, yeah. Because it's spelled E-N-Y-C-E, Anichi.
I was an Anichi kind of guy. You know, Anichi is N-Y-C. Did you know that? I knew that, yeah. Because it's spelled E-N-Y-C-E, Anichi.
I used to wear Sean John, but go ahead. If Viso was fire...
I used to wear Sean John, but go ahead. If Viso was fire...
remember oh yes jeans i do i do with that with that sort of embroidery on the on the pockets that was fire dude i remember in college there was a time where me and my friends bought all of our jeans based on how sick the pockets were and we would compliment each other all the time i'd be like damn those are sick pockets and it was like a great bit but we were also dead serious Oh, yeah, sure.
remember oh yes jeans i do i do with that with that sort of embroidery on the on the pockets that was fire dude i remember in college there was a time where me and my friends bought all of our jeans based on how sick the pockets were and we would compliment each other all the time i'd be like damn those are sick pockets and it was like a great bit but we were also dead serious Oh, yeah, sure.
Like, I would be like, yo, those pockets are sick. And so, like, the crazier the pocket, especially the back, the cooler and more rare and interesting the jean was. So, like, Ed Hardy had nice pockets. Ennichi had nice pockets. Evisu had really nice pockets. True Religion, to some extent, you could tell they were True Religions by the pockets. Yep. Bathing Ape had nice pockets. LRG...
Like, I would be like, yo, those pockets are sick. And so, like, the crazier the pocket, especially the back, the cooler and more rare and interesting the jean was. So, like, Ed Hardy had nice pockets. Ennichi had nice pockets. Evisu had really nice pockets. True Religion, to some extent, you could tell they were True Religions by the pockets. Yep. Bathing Ape had nice pockets. LRG...
To have a sick pocket was a flex.
To have a sick pocket was a flex.
Oh, that's so fire. I mean, they should probably bring back sick pockets. I mean, they will come back. Yeah, they have to. And I remember I had... I forgot what the brand was. Like J something? Like J Malone? I don't fucking know. It was like J Paper? Is that what it was called? I don't know. There was this jeans brand that, again, $250 a pair. First job out of college.
Oh, that's so fire. I mean, they should probably bring back sick pockets. I mean, they will come back. Yeah, they have to. And I remember I had... I forgot what the brand was. Like J something? Like J Malone? I don't fucking know. It was like J Paper? Is that what it was called? I don't know. There was this jeans brand that, again, $250 a pair. First job out of college.
I'm like, I'm buying nice jeans. I buy maybe two pairs. And I start wearing them to the office. And I worked in this office that was a little bit... I would say the people there were a little older than me. I was definitely the coolest person, even though I was uncool. You know what I mean? But I was the youngest. I was one of the youngest people. Right.
I'm like, I'm buying nice jeans. I buy maybe two pairs. And I start wearing them to the office. And I worked in this office that was a little bit... I would say the people there were a little older than me. I was definitely the coolest person, even though I was uncool. You know what I mean? But I was the youngest. I was one of the youngest people. Right.
And I was wearing jeans, and I was like, these are fly as hell. But then everyone was wearing jeans as well, but the people that were wearing jeans were wearing faded baggy, poorly fitting, unflattering, sloppy boys. You know what you see? Those sloppy guys.
And I was wearing jeans, and I was like, these are fly as hell. But then everyone was wearing jeans as well, but the people that were wearing jeans were wearing faded baggy, poorly fitting, unflattering, sloppy boys. You know what you see? Those sloppy guys.
Most people are sloppy, dude. And that fat belly hanging over the thing. Yeah. And so the owner of the company was like, no more jeans. And I was like, dude, I'm not wearing khakis. I was like, I paid a lot of money for these jeans. And I continued wearing jeans until I was reprimanded by my supervisor. Yeah.
Most people are sloppy, dude. And that fat belly hanging over the thing. Yeah. And so the owner of the company was like, no more jeans. And I was like, dude, I'm not wearing khakis. I was like, I paid a lot of money for these jeans. And I continued wearing jeans until I was reprimanded by my supervisor. Yeah.
It's just my boss. No HR.
It's just my boss. No HR.
My boss was great. And he was just like, I'm looking out for you. You don't want to die on this hill. He's like, you have a pretty easy, cushy job. And so do I. This guy is really was always he was like a mentor to me because what's crazy is that he was probably my age now.
My boss was great. And he was just like, I'm looking out for you. You don't want to die on this hill. He's like, you have a pretty easy, cushy job. And so do I. This guy is really was always he was like a mentor to me because what's crazy is that he was probably my age now.
right like he's he's 36 or 38 and he was really taking advantage we were in the social media department we were the heads of social media he was the head of social media and i was like the first yeah i was like i don't even know what my job was like digital marketing strategist but we were the higher no dude i was fucking i knew exactly what i was doing digital marketing easiest job in the world
right like he's he's 36 or 38 and he was really taking advantage we were in the social media department we were the heads of social media he was the head of social media and i was like the first yeah i was like i don't even know what my job was like digital marketing strategist but we were the higher no dude i was fucking i knew exactly what i was doing digital marketing easiest job in the world
And I was, but we were the whole department. So it would be like, oh, we'll send it to the social media group. And it was just me and him. But it was so easy to continue doing pretty much what I'm still doing, which is, or no, it's what our mutual good friend of the pod, Hassan Ali Khan, does.
And I was, but we were the whole department. So it would be like, oh, we'll send it to the social media group. And it was just me and him. But it was so easy to continue doing pretty much what I'm still doing, which is, or no, it's what our mutual good friend of the pod, Hassan Ali Khan, does.
Which is say a lot of big words in an order that makes not a lot of sense to a bunch of people that are very dumb. And then everyone thinks you're a genius.
Which is say a lot of big words in an order that makes not a lot of sense to a bunch of people that are very dumb. And then everyone thinks you're a genius.
So I was doing Analyst Plus back then. And so my boss was like, you don't want to lose this very easy job where me and you can go to lunch for three hours and then hit Lifetime Fitness and get a couple reps in and leave at 4 p.m. And come to the office at maybe nine or eight or sorry, nine or 10. He's like, we don't want to lose this. So maybe it's time you abandon the jeans. So I did.
So I was doing Analyst Plus back then. And so my boss was like, you don't want to lose this very easy job where me and you can go to lunch for three hours and then hit Lifetime Fitness and get a couple reps in and leave at 4 p.m. And come to the office at maybe nine or eight or sorry, nine or 10. He's like, we don't want to lose this. So maybe it's time you abandon the jeans. So I did.
So you just started wearing khakis? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What a character arc. Back then. Those were also the days where you had going out clothes. Yeah, 100%. Like you and the boys were going out on Friday night and you would get a going out shirt.
So you just started wearing khakis? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What a character arc. Back then. Those were also the days where you had going out clothes. Yeah, 100%. Like you and the boys were going out on Friday night and you would get a going out shirt.
Yeah, no, no, no. The going out shirt's always a button out or it's like a really, really graphic tee. Right.
Yeah, no, no, no. The going out shirt's always a button out or it's like a really, really graphic tee. Right.
Yeah, they were long and they were square-toed. Steve Madden. No, no, they were Stacey Adams. That was like the poor man Steve Madden. This is called Stacey Adams. Oh, fuck. They were available at JCPenney, Burlington Co-Factory, Marshalls, Macy's, and such.
Yeah, they were long and they were square-toed. Steve Madden. No, no, they were Stacey Adams. That was like the poor man Steve Madden. This is called Stacey Adams. Oh, fuck. They were available at JCPenney, Burlington Co-Factory, Marshalls, Macy's, and such.
Yeah, because you're not hood like me.
Yeah, because you're not hood like me.
Oh, those are a step up from Stacey Adams, but they're still like, I don't know. Let me ask you a question. If Subway Takes was pitched a branded content partnership with Kenneth Cole and the bag was reasonably sized, what would you say? What would be the first thought in your head?
Oh, those are a step up from Stacey Adams, but they're still like, I don't know. Let me ask you a question. If Subway Takes was pitched a branded content partnership with Kenneth Cole and the bag was reasonably sized, what would you say? What would be the first thought in your head?
Oh, you would be fully not self-conscious about doing an ad for Kenneth Cole?
Oh, you would be fully not self-conscious about doing an ad for Kenneth Cole?
Wait, is Kenneth Cole kind of tight? I don't remember.
Wait, is Kenneth Cole kind of tight? I don't remember.
Is Kenneth Cole equal to Hugo Boss? Is that like the same...
Is Kenneth Cole equal to Hugo Boss? Is that like the same...
That's crazy that Kenneth Cole is, if you know, you know.
That's crazy that Kenneth Cole is, if you know, you know.
I was like, oh my God, we can't lose this deal. Did you tell Malou immediately? Oh, she was with me. And you were like, yes, and you pumped the fist? I started shaking. I was so excited.
I was like, oh my God, we can't lose this deal. Did you tell Malou immediately? Oh, she was with me. And you were like, yes, and you pumped the fist? I started shaking. I was so excited.
So there was a lot of sexism. I mean, there's still sexism in science.
So there was a lot of sexism. I mean, there's still sexism in science.
Because your relationship with Popeyes is fairly religious. You are a lunch Popeyes guy. You're a dinner Popeyes guy. You're a delivery Popeyes guy, which I think is crazy. I don't know about your breakfast habit, Popeyes. If there was a frequent flyer club for Popeyes, you would be a million miler probably at this point.
Because your relationship with Popeyes is fairly religious. You are a lunch Popeyes guy. You're a dinner Popeyes guy. You're a delivery Popeyes guy, which I think is crazy. I don't know about your breakfast habit, Popeyes. If there was a frequent flyer club for Popeyes, you would be a million miler probably at this point.
Yeah, so we got an email. I was kind of excited. I would do it for the culture. I have a love. I'm kind of like Trump in that I love American fast food. I think it's really fun. Maybe I'm not like Trump. I don't like it that much. Although I did just have a breakfast sandwich recently from somewhere that had a drive-thru. But it is devastating, especially because they have that new collab.
Yeah, so we got an email. I was kind of excited. I would do it for the culture. I have a love. I'm kind of like Trump in that I love American fast food. I think it's really fun. Maybe I'm not like Trump. I don't like it that much. Although I did just have a breakfast sandwich recently from somewhere that had a drive-thru. But it is devastating, especially because they have that new collab.
Much less these days, though.
Much less these days, though.
And when you were breaking into that, they did actually say things like that to you?
And when you were breaking into that, they did actually say things like that to you?
Oh, I was talking about the Ramadan Hennessy Popeyes collab.
Oh, I was talking about the Ramadan Hennessy Popeyes collab.
No, no, I'm not doing a bit. It's not for Ramadan. I think it's actually for Black History Month. I was so confused. I was like, how is Hennessy going to fit in that? I think it's for Black History Month. God, that feels really off. Go on. Let's see here. There's a Popeye-Hennessy collab. Oh, no. Sorry. It's Don Julio. I don't know that.
No, no, I'm not doing a bit. It's not for Ramadan. I think it's actually for Black History Month. I was so confused. I was like, how is Hennessy going to fit in that? I think it's for Black History Month. God, that feels really off. Go on. Let's see here. There's a Popeye-Hennessy collab. Oh, no. Sorry. It's Don Julio. I don't know that.
wow it came out january 31st and what is it is it like chicken flavored i'm checking right now tequila oh my god it's still on the menu dude i can't believe you haven't had this oh no they're sold out fuck it's called the don it's called tequila don julio x popeyes championship lineup menu whoa what's on this menu So it's wings, Don Julio fusion wings. I'm looking at a chicken sandwich here.
wow it came out january 31st and what is it is it like chicken flavored i'm checking right now tequila oh my god it's still on the menu dude i can't believe you haven't had this oh no they're sold out fuck it's called the don it's called tequila don julio x popeyes championship lineup menu whoa what's on this menu So it's wings, Don Julio fusion wings. I'm looking at a chicken sandwich here.
And then it looks like there's a beverage, but I would – the beverage is – okay. So it's Popeye's X Tequila Don Julio Reposado Flavored Concha Roll Chicken Sandwich. So it's a concha roll. It's a new kind of roll. There's a concha. I don't know. And then the Popeye's X – is that how you pronounce kind of the X?
And then it looks like there's a beverage, but I would – the beverage is – okay. So it's Popeye's X Tequila Don Julio Reposado Flavored Concha Roll Chicken Sandwich. So it's a concha roll. It's a new kind of roll. There's a concha. I don't know. And then the Popeye's X – is that how you pronounce kind of the X?
It's a collab. It's like Popeye's X Don Julio. So Popeye's X Don Julio Reposado Flavored Louisiana Garlic Three-Piece Wings. And then there is the Popeye's Spicy Strawberry Hibiscus Flavored Lemonade Mocktail. And that is what consists of the Don Julio Popeye's Championship lineup.
It's a collab. It's like Popeye's X Don Julio. So Popeye's X Don Julio Reposado Flavored Louisiana Garlic Three-Piece Wings. And then there is the Popeye's Spicy Strawberry Hibiscus Flavored Lemonade Mocktail. And that is what consists of the Don Julio Popeye's Championship lineup.
You know that lady from Jurassic Park?
You know that lady from Jurassic Park?
So, yeah. So we had to say no to the Popeye's bag. Yeah. Because it was a little too small, right? Was that why we had to say no?
So, yeah. So we had to say no to the Popeye's bag. Yeah. Because it was a little too small, right? Was that why we had to say no?
We don't fuck with that. And so the collab is what, with Pickles? I guess they're getting free advertising right now, but it's a Pickles collab? Is this under embargo?
We don't fuck with that. And so the collab is what, with Pickles? I guess they're getting free advertising right now, but it's a Pickles collab? Is this under embargo?
Have you ever seen the movie Jurassic Park?
Have you ever seen the movie Jurassic Park?
I don't know.
I don't know.
And it should have said do not like it should have been in red. It should say under embargo. Yeah. Then we would know. Yeah, that was a shame. That was a shame. But I'm not, you know, I'm trying to be more of a classic man. Oh, I'm a classic man. And I feel like a Popeye's collab is not the kind of classic that is fitting my current status.
And it should have said do not like it should have been in red. It should say under embargo. Yeah. Then we would know. Yeah, that was a shame. That was a shame. But I'm not, you know, I'm trying to be more of a classic man. Oh, I'm a classic man. And I feel like a Popeye's collab is not the kind of classic that is fitting my current status.
The Gap is a good classic man. And you know how I know it's a classic man? How? The XL. The XL fits me perfectly. Oh, nice. And I think men at one point in time were much broader shouldered, broader bellied. They were just big men. And so the Gap makes clothes for men. Whereas many other brands... I've had to acquire their clothing. I have to get 2XL. I'm not a fat boy. I'm not a 2XL kind of guy.
The Gap is a good classic man. And you know how I know it's a classic man? How? The XL. The XL fits me perfectly. Oh, nice. And I think men at one point in time were much broader shouldered, broader bellied. They were just big men. And so the Gap makes clothes for men. Whereas many other brands... I've had to acquire their clothing. I have to get 2XL. I'm not a fat boy. I'm not a 2XL kind of guy.
But I think they're skimping on the fabrics, cost-cutting. It's like at the grocery store when they put a little more air in the Cheetos bag and a little less Cheetos.
But I think they're skimping on the fabrics, cost-cutting. It's like at the grocery store when they put a little more air in the Cheetos bag and a little less Cheetos.
So the bag is the same size.
So the bag is the same size.
I'm the Cheeto. I'm the same size, but the size of the bag has gotten smaller. To save costs. But the consumer doesn't know. So when I go and get clothes from XYZ and I have to get a XXL, they're essentially saying you're fat and you've gained weight. But in reality, they just are trying to cut costs.
I'm the Cheeto. I'm the same size, but the size of the bag has gotten smaller. To save costs. But the consumer doesn't know. So when I go and get clothes from XYZ and I have to get a XXL, they're essentially saying you're fat and you've gained weight. But in reality, they just are trying to cut costs.
No, I always write in the emails because I'm talking about free clothing here. I'll write XL if standard sizing, XXL if new form skinny sizing.
No, I always write in the emails because I'm talking about free clothing here. I'll write XL if standard sizing, XXL if new form skinny sizing.
And many people dress twinks. I mean, many men are twinks now.
And many people dress twinks. I mean, many men are twinks now.
Wait, Lord of the Rings? That's a good movie.
Wait, Lord of the Rings? That's a good movie.
Even if they're straight, they're twinks.
Even if they're straight, they're twinks.
So Gap makes classic fitting clothes, so I'm very happy with them. I think some of the other collabs, I mean, I don't remember what came out recently. What'd you cop at the Gap? What did I cop at the Gap? I got a whole kit. Shout out to Gap. I got a trench coat. I got kind of like a nice workman's jacket. I got a sweater. I got two pairs of pants, one white, one blue.
So Gap makes classic fitting clothes, so I'm very happy with them. I think some of the other collabs, I mean, I don't remember what came out recently. What'd you cop at the Gap? What did I cop at the Gap? I got a whole kit. Shout out to Gap. I got a trench coat. I got kind of like a nice workman's jacket. I got a sweater. I got two pairs of pants, one white, one blue.
Wait, I have to say, I can't believe you've never seen the movie Jurassic Park.
Wait, I have to say, I can't believe you've never seen the movie Jurassic Park.
And then they also hooked me up with a $500 gift certificate. Oh, I got this denim worker's jacket that's actually fleece lined, very warm. And I ran into John Caramonica yesterday at the screening that I went to. And he was very complimentary about that denim jacket. And he was like, I went to the Gap store before I even saw you wearing it in the ad.
And then they also hooked me up with a $500 gift certificate. Oh, I got this denim worker's jacket that's actually fleece lined, very warm. And I ran into John Caramonica yesterday at the screening that I went to. And he was very complimentary about that denim jacket. And he was like, I went to the Gap store before I even saw you wearing it in the ad.
And I was like, wow, this is a really nice denim jacket. And he was going to buy it for himself. And he agrees. John Caramonica is also a thick, nice, classic man.
And I was like, wow, this is a really nice denim jacket. And he was going to buy it for himself. And he agrees. John Caramonica is also a thick, nice, classic man.
As classic as they come, to be honest. He's the perfect build.
As classic as they come, to be honest. He's the perfect build.
You know what it's about, though, right?
You know what it's about, though, right?
I know. And he probably thought in like really beautiful kind of like really nice vocabulary. You know, he didn't say this is nice. He said, I was like, this is luxurious.
I know. And he probably thought in like really beautiful kind of like really nice vocabulary. You know, he didn't say this is nice. He said, I was like, this is luxurious.
Yeah, exactly. And then he didn't buy it because I got everything in two sizes. I got XL and XXL. I offered him last night to take over my XXL.
Yeah, exactly. And then he didn't buy it because I got everything in two sizes. I got XL and XXL. I offered him last night to take over my XXL.
Of course. Amazing. Who doesn't want a free jacket?
Of course. Amazing. Who doesn't want a free jacket?
Wait, you need, you need to go on the diet because you're too buff though.
Wait, you need, you need to go on the diet because you're too buff though.
You have a Michael Phelps body. I mean, not like that. I wish.
You have a Michael Phelps body. I mean, not like that. I wish.
But why would the arms not fit? Have your arms gotten longer?
But why would the arms not fit? Have your arms gotten longer?
And it's bigger because it's filled with muscles, not because you're fat.
And it's bigger because it's filled with muscles, not because you're fat.
And then they create a theme park filled with dinosaurs, real living dinosaurs.
And then they create a theme park filled with dinosaurs, real living dinosaurs.
Yeah, but I think the best intermittent fast is like 18 hours. Let me see. Intermittent fasting. But you sleep through some of it. You know what I mean? No, definitely.
Yeah, but I think the best intermittent fast is like 18 hours. Let me see. Intermittent fasting. But you sleep through some of it. You know what I mean? No, definitely.
I mean, it depends on how strict you want to be. But I'd say, you know, extreme people would fast for 18 hours. But, like, a normal person would fast for 12. Like, I think a healthy habit in life is to, like, if you eat dinner at 7, you shouldn't eat breakfast till 7. I think that's normal. And that's 12 hours.
I mean, it depends on how strict you want to be. But I'd say, you know, extreme people would fast for 18 hours. But, like, a normal person would fast for 12. Like, I think a healthy habit in life is to, like, if you eat dinner at 7, you shouldn't eat breakfast till 7. I think that's normal. And that's 12 hours.
So, Laura Dern, I think that that character in Jurassic Park was based on you.
So, Laura Dern, I think that that character in Jurassic Park was based on you.
That's living. That's cool. But some people don't do that. Some people don't do that. Some people eat at 11 p.m. and then eat again at 8. Yeah, that's true. Not a fast. Snackers. Snackers out there. I think the window, I think the most effective is 18 hours and you have a small window of eating that's like pretty much five hours. Is that, no, 18 plus five, what's that?
That's living. That's cool. But some people don't do that. Some people don't do that. Some people eat at 11 p.m. and then eat again at 8. Yeah, that's true. Not a fast. Snackers. Snackers out there. I think the window, I think the most effective is 18 hours and you have a small window of eating that's like pretty much five hours. Is that, no, 18 plus five, what's that?
that's um 23 so you have a six hour window of eating that's 24 hours in a day yeah and i think that is an effective but also slightly easy way to lose weight because it's not like it's not that hard because we're never truly hungry you know what i mean like the body can go without food for like literally five months or something is that true
that's um 23 so you have a six hour window of eating that's 24 hours in a day yeah and i think that is an effective but also slightly easy way to lose weight because it's not like it's not that hard because we're never truly hungry you know what i mean like the body can go without food for like literally five months or something is that true
What an honor for me to take the first ever subway ride with Jane Goodall.
What an honor for me to take the first ever subway ride with Jane Goodall.
yeah people go on like hunger strikes in prison and stuff and I don't think you need to eat I mean you definitely need water but you don't need food right yeah that makes sense so to be truly hungry like we have a feeling of hunger but it's not real hunger it's kind of like our body is a spoiled little bitch right because we eat three times a day no matter what whether we're hungry or not we just like are conditioned to try to eat three times a day but like most of the time we're not actually hungry and a lot of people eat
yeah people go on like hunger strikes in prison and stuff and I don't think you need to eat I mean you definitely need water but you don't need food right yeah that makes sense so to be truly hungry like we have a feeling of hunger but it's not real hunger it's kind of like our body is a spoiled little bitch right because we eat three times a day no matter what whether we're hungry or not we just like are conditioned to try to eat three times a day but like most of the time we're not actually hungry and a lot of people eat
I mean, look at the photos. You guys look very similar. I think it's possible.
I mean, look at the photos. You guys look very similar. I think it's possible.
simply because they're bored like lunch i think i'm convinced that lunch exists as like a little a little treat a little accoutrement to the day a little something something to to perk you up for fun it's like a social thing but i don't think anyone needs lunch what are you what are you talking about i think if you need breakfast and dinner you don't need lunch so you're just gonna go but okay so the whole stretch of the day which is the most active part of the day
simply because they're bored like lunch i think i'm convinced that lunch exists as like a little a little treat a little accoutrement to the day a little something something to to perk you up for fun it's like a social thing but i don't think anyone needs lunch what are you what are you talking about i think if you need breakfast and dinner you don't need lunch so you're just gonna go but okay so the whole stretch of the day which is the most active part of the day
Sure, yes. But we're not doing that. We're guys that sit on fucking laptops. And we expend no energy. And the only energy we expend is the energy that we spend walking to lunch. Yeah, we're not working in the coal mines. And pacing around our fucking apartments. We don't need lunch. We don't need three meals a day. Me and you don't even need probably two meals a day.
Sure, yes. But we're not doing that. We're guys that sit on fucking laptops. And we expend no energy. And the only energy we expend is the energy that we spend walking to lunch. Yeah, we're not working in the coal mines. And pacing around our fucking apartments. We don't need lunch. We don't need three meals a day. Me and you don't even need probably two meals a day.
We'll have to pull it up.
We'll have to pull it up.
I think that like, so my grandfather, who was very thin and very healthy, he would eat breakfast and then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four. So he would eat breakfast like seven or eight. Then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four or a late lunch, depending on how you want to put it. And then he would have a nice snack.
I think that like, so my grandfather, who was very thin and very healthy, he would eat breakfast and then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four. So he would eat breakfast like seven or eight. Then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four or a late lunch, depending on how you want to put it. And then he would have a nice snack.
I will prove it. You want me to prove it right now?
I will prove it. You want me to prove it right now?
kind of at like eight or nine and that snack would be fruit. Um, just literally fruit. That was the only sack. Or maybe that was around sevens, fruit and tea. And he did that for his whole life and he was very healthy and very thin and I think it worked for him.
kind of at like eight or nine and that snack would be fruit. Um, just literally fruit. That was the only sack. Or maybe that was around sevens, fruit and tea. And he did that for his whole life and he was very healthy and very thin and I think it worked for him.
He wasn't buff.
He wasn't buff.
No, see, I think that that's where we differ in our opinion.
No, see, I think that that's where we differ in our opinion.
You think that buff people are in. I think that buff people are not in.
You think that buff people are in. I think that buff people are not in.
Not really.
Not really.
That's marketing, my king.
That's marketing, my king.
That's literally marketing king. Yeah, because then you see protein and you go, oh, that's healthy even if it's not. Like there's probably, there's like chips, like regular potato chips and they're like seven grams of protein, literally. Well then, by the way, I have those chips. Yeah. I own those chips. It worked on you.
That's literally marketing king. Yeah, because then you see protein and you go, oh, that's healthy even if it's not. Like there's probably, there's like chips, like regular potato chips and they're like seven grams of protein, literally. Well then, by the way, I have those chips. Yeah. I own those chips. It worked on you.
Oh, me neither.
Oh, me neither.
So what's in? Normal? Yes.
So what's in? Normal? Yes.
I think normal is, yes. I think norm core, norm body. I think just being normal is in. Is that just because effort is out? No, effort is in. You don't want to be fat. You don't want to be obese and chunky. And you don't want to look... You don't want to look like... You know how in style you don't want to look like you tried too hard? Yeah. Yes.
I think normal is, yes. I think norm core, norm body. I think just being normal is in. Is that just because effort is out? No, effort is in. You don't want to be fat. You don't want to be obese and chunky. And you don't want to look... You don't want to look like... You know how in style you don't want to look like you tried too hard? Yeah. Yes.
The problem with being buff is that you permanently look like you've tried a lot, actually. It's hard to get buff. So when I see a guy on the beach that's buff, I'm like, you have not been working out your brain because you've been too busy working out your body.
The problem with being buff is that you permanently look like you've tried a lot, actually. It's hard to get buff. So when I see a guy on the beach that's buff, I'm like, you have not been working out your brain because you've been too busy working out your body.
I don't really judge a book based on its cover. You literally just did. You literally just did. But go on. No, no, no. I'm saying that that is a fact. I mean, to get buff, you have to work out, which means you have to spend at least an hour a day in the gym. Minimum. But to be truly buff, I think you're spending two hours a day.
I don't really judge a book based on its cover. You literally just did. You literally just did. But go on. No, no, no. I'm saying that that is a fact. I mean, to get buff, you have to work out, which means you have to spend at least an hour a day in the gym. Minimum. But to be truly buff, I think you're spending two hours a day.
To have bulging muscles, there's a difference between being fit and being buff.
To have bulging muscles, there's a difference between being fit and being buff.
I'm not buff. No, you're not buff, but you're fit. But I think to be buff, you are sitting in the gym for a lot of hours. And that means that you are valuing your vanity because you don't need to be buffed to be healthy. It means that it's vanity muscles.
I'm not buff. No, you're not buff, but you're fit. But I think to be buff, you are sitting in the gym for a lot of hours. And that means that you are valuing your vanity because you don't need to be buffed to be healthy. It means that it's vanity muscles.
And that means that you are sitting there working out when I'm out there in the streets learning, you know, talking to people, understanding life, understanding, you know, pondering existential crises and thoughts, trying to solve the world's greatest problems. And,
And that means that you are sitting there working out when I'm out there in the streets learning, you know, talking to people, understanding life, understanding, you know, pondering existential crises and thoughts, trying to solve the world's greatest problems. And,
Starvation, war, homelessness, crime. Democracy in general, tax fraud, like how do I actually avoid paying taxes? That one's less existential. It's like the tax fraud that I can do myself. No, it's not fraud. It's just like how do I do the loopholes? I just want to be able to do the loopholes as well as the greatest loophole doers. Yeah. No, I agree. I agree.
Starvation, war, homelessness, crime. Democracy in general, tax fraud, like how do I actually avoid paying taxes? That one's less existential. It's like the tax fraud that I can do myself. No, it's not fraud. It's just like how do I do the loopholes? I just want to be able to do the loopholes as well as the greatest loophole doers. Yeah. No, I agree. I agree.
I think that if other people are taking advantage of the loopholes, I also want to take advantage of the loopholes.
I think that if other people are taking advantage of the loopholes, I also want to take advantage of the loopholes.
But I don't want to do anything illegal.
But I don't want to do anything illegal.
I think we forgot to talk about Jane Goodall.
I think we forgot to talk about Jane Goodall.
She's truly incredible. I was so, I mean, she was so quiet. It was a really challenging episode for me because I was like, she's short and quiet. So I'm like, I'm literally the whole time I'm leaning in trying to hear what she's saying. And she was filled with great knowledge. But it was difficult. It was a really, it was probably one of the more difficult episodes I've ever done.
She's truly incredible. I was so, I mean, she was so quiet. It was a really challenging episode for me because I was like, she's short and quiet. So I'm like, I'm literally the whole time I'm leaning in trying to hear what she's saying. And she was filled with great knowledge. But it was difficult. It was a really, it was probably one of the more difficult episodes I've ever done.
But of course, you know, it was an honor and a pleasure to meet the goat, one of the scientific goats of the universe. You know, it's kind of like, it's like having Stephen Hawking on Subway Takes, R.I.P.,
But of course, you know, it was an honor and a pleasure to meet the goat, one of the scientific goats of the universe. You know, it's kind of like, it's like having Stephen Hawking on Subway Takes, R.I.P.,
I'm also not going to lie. I will tell you this. Jane Goodall has been in contact with me after the episode. Oh, interesting. She slid in the DMs. We have kept in touch. She slid in the emails. Oh, professional. She's crossing the line a little bit. She was crossing the line a little bit. I love that. Dear Kareem, I'll read a little bit, just a little.
I'm also not going to lie. I will tell you this. Jane Goodall has been in contact with me after the episode. Oh, interesting. She slid in the DMs. We have kept in touch. She slid in the emails. Oh, professional. She's crossing the line a little bit. She was crossing the line a little bit. I love that. Dear Kareem, I'll read a little bit, just a little.
Yeah, just a snippet, you know, respect the privacy. Dear Kareem, meeting you and chatting on the subway was a highlight. What a great idea you had to make these meetings. That's all I'm going to give you.
Yeah, just a snippet, you know, respect the privacy. Dear Kareem, meeting you and chatting on the subway was a highlight. What a great idea you had to make these meetings. That's all I'm going to give you.
And then she said her sign off is sending love. Oh,
And then she said her sign off is sending love. Oh,
No, dude. And then recently, um, I, her, her, like, you know, one of the people on her team, Mia, um, said, let's see here. She said like, Jane won't stop talking about you, something like that. So I'm in good standing with the team. But yeah, I mean, I was so happy that that episode turned out okay. Oh, literally it says this. P.S. She still has a major crush on you, Kareem.
No, dude. And then recently, um, I, her, her, like, you know, one of the people on her team, Mia, um, said, let's see here. She said like, Jane won't stop talking about you, something like that. So I'm in good standing with the team. But yeah, I mean, I was so happy that that episode turned out okay. Oh, literally it says this. P.S. She still has a major crush on you, Kareem.
I know.
I know.
Just changing the planet of apes. I mean, she was great. She was really funny and fun. She's never seen Jurassic Park, which I think is weird, though. That's the one weird thing about her. Yeah, that's crazy. Because I really think the Laura Dern character is based on her.
Just changing the planet of apes. I mean, she was great. She was really funny and fun. She's never seen Jurassic Park, which I think is weird, though. That's the one weird thing about her. Yeah, that's crazy. Because I really think the Laura Dern character is based on her.
I think that she is probably protesting Jurassic Park because they obviously based that character on her and probably did not reach out.
I think that she is probably protesting Jurassic Park because they obviously based that character on her and probably did not reach out.
She ain't got time for that shit.
She ain't got time for that shit.
I will say it's kind of like Substack using my image and likeness on the homepage of the App Store without my permission.
I will say it's kind of like Substack using my image and likeness on the homepage of the App Store without my permission.
With my image and likeness.
With my image and likeness.
Of course not.
Of course not.
But I guess the thing is, who would have thought? You know? Like, usually you don't need to read the terms and conditions because the terms are inconsequential to a regular, you know, civilian, right? But now that I'm talent, now that I'm talent, I should probably start reading the terms and conditions. Yeah, just send that to your lawyer. I should. I mean, I'm literally on the homepage.
But I guess the thing is, who would have thought? You know? Like, usually you don't need to read the terms and conditions because the terms are inconsequential to a regular, you know, civilian, right? But now that I'm talent, now that I'm talent, I should probably start reading the terms and conditions. Yeah, just send that to your lawyer. I should. I mean, I'm literally on the homepage.
Dude, if you type in Substack on the App Store, I'm the second image in the App Store.
Dude, if you type in Substack on the App Store, I'm the second image in the App Store.
Hey, dude, I'm downloading a new app. Every time I download a new app. Hey, dude, I'm going to need you to work this weekend because I'm downloading a new app. I actually downloaded an app for my baby yesterday and I didn't even read the terms and conditions. Fuck, dude.
Hey, dude, I'm downloading a new app. Every time I download a new app. Hey, dude, I'm going to need you to work this weekend because I'm downloading a new app. I actually downloaded an app for my baby yesterday and I didn't even read the terms and conditions. Fuck, dude.
that's great i gotta do that today but i can't why not what do you got going on today i'm in back-to-backs all day until about 1 30 and then i have to go record a podcast so at least i'll get out of the house a little bit from 1 30 to pretty much like five i'll be out of the house not bad where's where's the where's the recording on so far away 55th street Oh, are you going to drive?
that's great i gotta do that today but i can't why not what do you got going on today i'm in back-to-backs all day until about 1 30 and then i have to go record a podcast so at least i'll get out of the house a little bit from 1 30 to pretty much like five i'll be out of the house not bad where's where's the where's the recording on so far away 55th street Oh, are you going to drive?
No, I'm going to take the train because I'm sure parking up there is shit. Right on. And I can't afford congestion pricing anymore. It's $9, man. It's terrible. I know, but I also have to pay a toll. So for me, it's $15 to get into the city. Each way? No. Oh, yeah. But I think I have to pay the toll on the way home. I don't even remember anymore.
No, I'm going to take the train because I'm sure parking up there is shit. Right on. And I can't afford congestion pricing anymore. It's $9, man. It's terrible. I know, but I also have to pay a toll. So for me, it's $15 to get into the city. Each way? No. Oh, yeah. But I think I have to pay the toll on the way home. I don't even remember anymore.
Like I found myself taking an Uber yesterday because I was just like, I mean, I'm going to pay fucking $40 anyway. I might as well just not, I might as well get some extra screen time.
Like I found myself taking an Uber yesterday because I was just like, I mean, I'm going to pay fucking $40 anyway. I might as well just not, I might as well get some extra screen time.
This is incredible. What I think about New York, I think about the concrete jungle, which is very similar, maybe, to the regular jungle.
This is incredible. What I think about New York, I think about the concrete jungle, which is very similar, maybe, to the regular jungle.
Well, on those days that we shoot, which we shot a lot yesterday. Yeah, it was a lot. I like don't get, I have to check, I literally have to check my emails and my texts and it, you know, it piles up and then all of a sudden I've got 140 texts and 45 unread emails. So I can't drive because I can't text and drive and I can't take the train because then I don't really have service.
Well, on those days that we shoot, which we shot a lot yesterday. Yeah, it was a lot. I like don't get, I have to check, I literally have to check my emails and my texts and it, you know, it piles up and then all of a sudden I've got 140 texts and 45 unread emails. So I can't drive because I can't text and drive and I can't take the train because then I don't really have service.
So my only option, I mean, I do a lot of business. I do a lot of business.
So my only option, I mean, I do a lot of business. I do a lot of business.
I'm a businessman. So, I mean, I should... We should hire a driver. I know.
I'm a businessman. So, I mean, I should... We should hire a driver. I know.
We've gone way past.
We've gone way past.
like done something here it has riz it has riz it has riz the show is very cool yeah i mean i think with i mean kate blanchett is really like the show has more riz than any other show it's crazy that's crazy that is a that is an a plus lister yeah she doesn't have she doesn't even have instagram
like done something here it has riz it has riz it has riz the show is very cool yeah i mean i think with i mean kate blanchett is really like the show has more riz than any other show it's crazy that's crazy that is a that is an a plus lister yeah she doesn't have she doesn't even have instagram
She's so sick.
She's so sick.
Wait, are you on that email thread? Am I on it? Yeah.
Wait, are you on that email thread? Am I on it? Yeah.
Oh, then I guess I am on it.
Oh, then I guess I am on it.
Also, young Rami with the third camera angle.
Also, young Rami with the third camera angle.
I don't know if we should get the Rizzler on.
I don't know if we should get the Rizzler on.
Yeah, those fellows, they're really taking advantage of the moment.
Yeah, those fellows, they're really taking advantage of the moment.
But I like the Rizzler, and I like his father, and I think the Rizzler deserves all the success in the world. He is a really enlightened kind of Buddha-esque figure, both literally and figuratively and metaphorically. The other guys, they're not for me. They're not. They're not for me. The Costco guys are not for me.
But I like the Rizzler, and I like his father, and I think the Rizzler deserves all the success in the world. He is a really enlightened kind of Buddha-esque figure, both literally and figuratively and metaphorically. The other guys, they're not for me. They're not. They're not for me. The Costco guys are not for me.
I don't think I'd have them on Subway Takes or Subway Takes Uncut or even just my personal Instagram or lunch. The Rizzler, I would lunch, dinner, breakfast. I'd have three meals a day with him. I would put him on Subway Takes. I'd put him on Subway Takes Uncut. I'd invite him to this podcast. Whatever this is.
I don't think I'd have them on Subway Takes or Subway Takes Uncut or even just my personal Instagram or lunch. The Rizzler, I would lunch, dinner, breakfast. I'd have three meals a day with him. I would put him on Subway Takes. I'd put him on Subway Takes Uncut. I'd invite him to this podcast. Whatever this is.
Let's get him in here.
Let's get him in here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay. Okay, bye. Bye. Don't close the window. But I think you can stop every time. I just don't know how this works. Okay, hit this button.
Okay. Okay, bye. Bye. Don't close the window. But I think you can stop every time. I just don't know how this works. Okay, hit this button.
He's producing it.
He's producing it.
Who's acting as Jane?
Who's acting as Jane?
100% agree. What do they got to do?
100% agree. What do they got to do?
I forgot my flask. All right, we got it. Now let's get in the subway, all right? I forgot my flask. Did you bring a flask? Flask?
I forgot my flask. All right, we got it. Now let's get in the subway, all right? I forgot my flask. Did you bring a flask? Flask?
It's really hot in Africa. And so you use just fans.
It's really hot in Africa. And so you use just fans.
Wow, that's incredible. So I have heard from various sources that You're a dog lady.
Wow, that's incredible. So I have heard from various sources that You're a dog lady.
And as a cat person... And my son is a cat person. Does that cause conflict in the family?
And as a cat person... And my son is a cat person. Does that cause conflict in the family?
Right.
Right.
Not a bit?
Not a bit?
This jungle is very bad for the environment.
This jungle is very bad for the environment.
When you come to New York, what is your favorite food that you eat? Do you grab a slice of pizza or do you grab a hot dog? Oh, no, you don't grab hot dogs.
When you come to New York, what is your favorite food that you eat? Do you grab a slice of pizza or do you grab a hot dog? Oh, no, you don't grab hot dogs.
That's very spiritual. Are you a spiritual person?
That's very spiritual. Are you a spiritual person?
You are?
You are?
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe in God?
Has your relationship with God changed over the years, or has it remained consistently the same?
Has your relationship with God changed over the years, or has it remained consistently the same?
In the forest. In the forest. So to you, the God force is nature?
In the forest. In the forest. So to you, the God force is nature?
You do, but I don't think a lot of people do.
You do, but I don't think a lot of people do.
For some reason, as a culture, as a global culture, we have decided that animals are lesser than... That's right.
For some reason, as a culture, as a global culture, we have decided that animals are lesser than... That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's true. I don't think that it is a rat problem. I think that it's a rat... I don't think... It's not their problem. They're just living. They're vibing.
That's true. I don't think that it is a rat problem. I think that it's a rat... I don't think... It's not their problem. They're just living. They're vibing.
Yeah, it's biological. Survival. I read another interesting thing about you, which is that you potentially believe that there may be a Bigfoot or Sasquatch.
Yeah, it's biological. Survival. I read another interesting thing about you, which is that you potentially believe that there may be a Bigfoot or Sasquatch.
I'd probably say don't do your taxes. I'd say don't get a social security number.
I'd probably say don't do your taxes. I'd say don't get a social security number.
Vote for nature. Vote for Mother Earth.
Vote for nature. Vote for Mother Earth.
Have you been coming here for a long time?
Have you been coming here for a long time?
All of you people, vote for your future.
All of you people, vote for your future.
Where'd you get that sign?
Where'd you get that sign?
Thank you, Jeff Hurwitz, for the science. That's amazing.
Thank you, Jeff Hurwitz, for the science. That's amazing.
Oh, his daughter made it. And it's all recycled materials.
Oh, his daughter made it. And it's all recycled materials.
That came from a dumpster?
That came from a dumpster?
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. You didn't even have to buy a piece of cardboard. Why would you buy cardboard?
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. You didn't even have to buy a piece of cardboard. Why would you buy cardboard?
We do.
We do.
Yeah, we must think about waste. We must think about pollution. We must think about how we transport ourselves.
Yeah, we must think about waste. We must think about pollution. We must think about how we transport ourselves.
Years and years and years and years. Yes.
Years and years and years and years. Yes.
We must think about the things that we're using that we don't need.
We must think about the things that we're using that we don't need.
That's it. No.
That's it. No.
100% agree. A lot of young people feel helpless and hopeless.
100% agree. A lot of young people feel helpless and hopeless.
But that's not how they need to feel.
But that's not how they need to feel.
You're 90?
You're 90?
You don't got to tell me about black families.
You don't got to tell me about black families.
I watched a documentary called Nutty Professor.
I watched a documentary called Nutty Professor.
They're good. I mean, they're funny. I mean, the thing is, like, Egyptians are very funny. Egyptians are jokesters of the Middle East, in my opinion. Like, if you go to Egypt, you're going to get a lot of playful conversations, and I think that's where, you know, that's where my gift of gab comes from, is, like, I just like having a good time, and I think it's fun.
They're good. I mean, they're funny. I mean, the thing is, like, Egyptians are very funny. Egyptians are jokesters of the Middle East, in my opinion. Like, if you go to Egypt, you're going to get a lot of playful conversations, and I think that's where, you know, that's where my gift of gab comes from, is, like, I just like having a good time, and I think it's fun.
Like, my ideal situation on any given night is to be at a dinner table with four people, arguing or disagreeing or just making jokes about it. But the thing about Egyptian Americans is that as a child of Egyptians, you think your family is funny.
Like, my ideal situation on any given night is to be at a dinner table with four people, arguing or disagreeing or just making jokes about it. But the thing about Egyptian Americans is that as a child of Egyptians, you think your family is funny.
for the ridiculous views yeah because they're stuck in a world and you're in between two worlds so it ends up just being jokes based on that you know like like what did my mom do oh yeah i told my mom that i wanted to kit name like if it was a boy i wanted to name my kid rafi r-a-f-i which is an arabic name um And she's like, oh, you mean Rafi? And I'm like, mom, no, I mean Rafi.
for the ridiculous views yeah because they're stuck in a world and you're in between two worlds so it ends up just being jokes based on that you know like like what did my mom do oh yeah i told my mom that i wanted to kit name like if it was a boy i wanted to name my kid rafi r-a-f-i which is an arabic name um And she's like, oh, you mean Rafi? And I'm like, mom, no, I mean Rafi.
She's like, what's Rafi? What's Rafi? And I was like, R-A-F-I, it means the highest or whatever. She's like, yes, that's Rafi. And I kept saying, mom, no one's going to call him Rafi. Or like my dad. My dad, when he put my name on my birth certificate. So proudly, he chose the black American spelling of Kareem, which is K-A-R-E-E-M. Most Arab people are K-A-R-I-M. Yeah, yeah.
She's like, what's Rafi? What's Rafi? And I was like, R-A-F-I, it means the highest or whatever. She's like, yes, that's Rafi. And I kept saying, mom, no one's going to call him Rafi. Or like my dad. My dad, when he put my name on my birth certificate. So proudly, he chose the black American spelling of Kareem, which is K-A-R-E-E-M. Most Arab people are K-A-R-I-M. Yeah, yeah.
Like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem Black, Kareem Campbell. All those people are two E's. It's the black American way to spell it. And then the Arabs or the Middle Easterners, they are K-A-R-I-M. So he gave me the black version, which was not by choice. But on the birth certificate, he actually did K-R-E-M. Oh, okay. Which is not a name at all. Karem? No, just Krem. Krem? Like literally not a name.
Like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem Black, Kareem Campbell. All those people are two E's. It's the black American way to spell it. And then the Arabs or the Middle Easterners, they are K-A-R-I-M. So he gave me the black version, which was not by choice. But on the birth certificate, he actually did K-R-E-M. Oh, okay. Which is not a name at all. Karem? No, just Krem. Krem? Like literally not a name.
And I was like, why'd you do that? And he was like, it's easier to spell. And I was like, but dude, it's a different fucking, it's a different word. It's not even a name.
And I was like, why'd you do that? And he was like, it's easier to spell. And I was like, but dude, it's a different fucking, it's a different word. It's not even a name.
It's just a sound.
It's just a sound.
What was that?
What was that?
Oh my God, that's so funny.
Oh my God, that's so funny.
That's what happened. And then she, what's Orpah? That's not a name, is it?
That's what happened. And then she, what's Orpah? That's not a name, is it?
That's kind of a fire name. It's kind of a fire name.
That's kind of a fire name. It's kind of a fire name.
When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe the excuse, oh, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help. I think we've all been there. Booking a doctor appointment can feel so daunting, but thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find a doctor and book a doctor who's right for you.
When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe the excuse, oh, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help. I think we've all been there. Booking a doctor appointment can feel so daunting, but thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find a doctor and book a doctor who's right for you.
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more.
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more.
You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical need you may have, and are highly rated by verified patients. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit.
You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical need you may have, and are highly rated by verified patients. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit.
Appointments made through ZocDoc also happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments. I use this and you should too. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes.
Appointments made through ZocDoc also happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments. I use this and you should too. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes.
I want to get some of your opinions on some of the comments, which I think a big hit was when I said, where am I going? We've kind of covered it already. But where am I going? My brother. And then laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
I want to get some of your opinions on some of the comments, which I think a big hit was when I said, where am I going? We've kind of covered it already. But where am I going? My brother. And then laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
Yes, Jay Jordan. Shout out Jay Jordan. Top comment.
Yes, Jay Jordan. Shout out Jay Jordan. Top comment.
And I mean, that is a, I mean, look, North Africans, like I had an agent once tell me to audition for a black role.
And I mean, that is a, I mean, look, North Africans, like I had an agent once tell me to audition for a black role.
And I go, I'm not African-American.
And I go, I'm not African-American.
Like, I'm not comfortable auditioning for this role because it says black specifically.
Like, I'm not comfortable auditioning for this role because it says black specifically.
Not North African. And she goes, yeah, but you're North African-American.
Not North African. And she goes, yeah, but you're North African-American.
North African-American. That was so fire when she said that.
North African-American. That was so fire when she said that.
No, no, no. It's just because, like, African American implies that you are a descendant of slaves. I thought, right? That's what I thought. Like, that's what the difference between, like, an African guy from Senegal or, like, Kenya who moves to America. Yeah. Those people are Kenyan Americans or... you know, an African person living in America.
No, no, no. It's just because, like, African American implies that you are a descendant of slaves. I thought, right? That's what I thought. Like, that's what the difference between, like, an African guy from Senegal or, like, Kenya who moves to America. Yeah. Those people are Kenyan Americans or... you know, an African person living in America.
But from my knowledge and understanding, African American means that you are, you know, you were brought here, your family was brought here against their will, you know, a long time ago, and that you are a descendant of that kind of slavery or something.
But from my knowledge and understanding, African American means that you are, you know, you were brought here, your family was brought here against their will, you know, a long time ago, and that you are a descendant of that kind of slavery or something.
I don't know if that's a sure thing, but that's what I thought, or I like maybe read that once or something.
I don't know if that's a sure thing, but that's what I thought, or I like maybe read that once or something.
No.
No.
No.
No.
A white cousin?
A white cousin?
So how are they related? Like they're like rapers?
So how are they related? Like they're like rapers?
Oh, my fucking God.
Oh, my fucking God.
That is crazy.
That is crazy.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I have lighter ones too. And that's obviously probably through colonialism and because the British and the Australians were both in Egypt at some point and other, I mean, there were a lot of people in Egypt at some point. So that's probably where it comes from. Actually, I know that's where it comes from.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I have lighter ones too. And that's obviously probably through colonialism and because the British and the Australians were both in Egypt at some point and other, I mean, there were a lot of people in Egypt at some point. So that's probably where it comes from. Actually, I know that's where it comes from.
So that's that entire portion. Yes, segregation is dope.
So that's that entire portion. Yes, segregation is dope.
Well, how about this, though? What if, like, white people want to pass? Like, are we letting, like, Chet Hanks in?
Well, how about this, though? What if, like, white people want to pass? Like, are we letting, like, Chet Hanks in?
Oh, for us.
Oh, for us.
Are we letting any white people in at all? Lady Gaga?
Are we letting any white people in at all? Lady Gaga?
In the multicultural Wakanda.
In the multicultural Wakanda.
you have to pay a very large fee and then you could come the visa stands for 24 hours i like the fee because the fees the fee or i think you have to pay for the visa like egypt does this thing where you buy a visa literally in the airport at the bank yeah you don't have to do anything for it you just have to pay it's a tax to enter the country it's 30 they're like it's 30 to enter for everyone
you have to pay a very large fee and then you could come the visa stands for 24 hours i like the fee because the fees the fee or i think you have to pay for the visa like egypt does this thing where you buy a visa literally in the airport at the bank yeah you don't have to do anything for it you just have to pay it's a tax to enter the country it's 30 they're like it's 30 to enter for everyone
And it's not a real visa. I mean, it's a sticker that they put on your passport, but you don't have to apply for it in advance. It doesn't do anything. It's just a tax. It's just a tax to enter our country. So let's get the passport going.
And it's not a real visa. I mean, it's a sticker that they put on your passport, but you don't have to apply for it in advance. It doesn't do anything. It's just a tax. It's just a tax to enter our country. So let's get the passport going.
Oh, they were like, you can't come.
Oh, they were like, you can't come.
They're fed up.
They're fed up.
That place would have the, that would be the, I wonder if there's any place like that, like right now that exists. Maybe not that says implicitly like no whites allowed.
That place would have the, that would be the, I wonder if there's any place like that, like right now that exists. Maybe not that says implicitly like no whites allowed.
Maybe, I don't know, probably some parts of Brooklyn.
Maybe, I don't know, probably some parts of Brooklyn.
And, okay, so I think that a lot of people, you know, the Italians, the Italians want to be reconsidered. I know that the Italians want to be, they want to be black.
And, okay, so I think that a lot of people, you know, the Italians, the Italians want to be reconsidered. I know that the Italians want to be, they want to be black.
So you think that they became white after the Godfather?
So you think that they became white after the Godfather?
You're like, it's not enough. Food's not spicy enough. It's not enough.
You're like, it's not enough. Food's not spicy enough. It's not enough.
That's true. The colored community is filled with noodles.
That's true. The colored community is filled with noodles.
I want to get some of your takes on takes. So this brings me to the next point, which is that this is a very, I don't know if it's a similar take, but I think it's in the same zone. But Kamau Bell came out with that every American should have to live for at least two weeks a year in the South.
I want to get some of your takes on takes. So this brings me to the next point, which is that this is a very, I don't know if it's a similar take, but I think it's in the same zone. But Kamau Bell came out with that every American should have to live for at least two weeks a year in the South.
Which I thought was a very funny take. Again, I 100% disagreed with that. But I've never really been to the South. I've like driven through the South, but I've been to like, I've been to the white South. I've been to New Orleans and I've been to Savannah. That's what I call the white South. Pretty white.
Which I thought was a very funny take. Again, I 100% disagreed with that. But I've never really been to the South. I've like driven through the South, but I've been to like, I've been to the white South. I've been to New Orleans and I've been to Savannah. That's what I call the white South. Pretty white.
And we're back. Joyelle, what the hell's going on?
And we're back. Joyelle, what the hell's going on?
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you so much, New Orleans, for giving us a day of rest.
Thank you so much, New Orleans, for giving us a day of rest.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You're saying New Jersey, which is the south of the East Coast.
You're saying New Jersey, which is the south of the East Coast.
And do you think that would work?
And do you think that would work?
I don't know, man. I think some people just would not work. I think someone like an Elon Musk.
I don't know, man. I think some people just would not work. I think someone like an Elon Musk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do a good Elon impression. He's like, oh, yes. He doesn't really say words.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do a good Elon impression. He's like, oh, yes. He doesn't really say words.
But what's crazy is he had a good reputation. He had a good and a bad reputation. But people were like, look, he's cool. He's saving the world. He's going to go to Mars. He's going to make these electric cars. White people. But no. I think for a while, everyone was like, oh, this guy's like Iron Man. He's so cool. No? You think black people were always?
But what's crazy is he had a good reputation. He had a good and a bad reputation. But people were like, look, he's cool. He's saving the world. He's going to go to Mars. He's going to make these electric cars. White people. But no. I think for a while, everyone was like, oh, this guy's like Iron Man. He's so cool. No? You think black people were always?
Well, sometimes they make it too hot. The Asians make it too hot.
Well, sometimes they make it too hot. The Asians make it too hot.
No, I don't think he's brilliant.
No, I don't think he's brilliant.
There was a point where he was maybe cool. A little bit. You might not believe this, but I think that there was a general consensus that Of some parts of the population that were like, maybe tech bros, maybe people, I don't know. Okay, I admit, I fell for it. That's why I'm saying this. Because I was like, oh, he's kind of tight. Like, oh, Tesla's so cool, blah, blah, blah.
There was a point where he was maybe cool. A little bit. You might not believe this, but I think that there was a general consensus that Of some parts of the population that were like, maybe tech bros, maybe people, I don't know. Okay, I admit, I fell for it. That's why I'm saying this. Because I was like, oh, he's kind of tight. Like, oh, Tesla's so cool, blah, blah, blah.
Like, he's such a badass. And then the minute this motherfucker started tweeting and opening his mouth, he just lost it.
Like, he's such a badass. And then the minute this motherfucker started tweeting and opening his mouth, he just lost it.
How many are there? There's like 15 or something.
How many are there? There's like 15 or something.
He's getting so ugly. Like physically. He's physically uglier.
He's getting so ugly. Like physically. He's physically uglier.
Well, I sometimes go to a Thai restaurant and they're like, do you want it spicy? And I'm like, I'll take it white spicy.
Well, I sometimes go to a Thai restaurant and they're like, do you want it spicy? And I'm like, I'll take it white spicy.
Oh man, money really can't buy swag.
Oh man, money really can't buy swag.
But he wants love. He does want love. They both want love. They're desperate for love.
But he wants love. He does want love. They both want love. They're desperate for love.
Everybody is obsessed with omakase right now.
Everybody is obsessed with omakase right now.
What's the spot you're going to?
What's the spot you're going to?
Karami, I'm going to write that down. Here's the thing. I've never had omakase.
Karami, I'm going to write that down. Here's the thing. I've never had omakase.
Like because they're they're regular spicy. Like you pretty much have to say no spice.
Like because they're they're regular spicy. Like you pretty much have to say no spice.
And omakase is where you sit down and they just feed you, right? Yes. And you get full?
And omakase is where you sit down and they just feed you, right? Yes. And you get full?
I famously love eating with chopsticks. I eat fucking Chipotle with chopsticks.
I famously love eating with chopsticks. I eat fucking Chipotle with chopsticks.
No, no. I eat almost like I eat so many meals with chopsticks. I just think it's better. I eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. At the crib, I eat with chopsticks. The thing I don't, I should start eating like spaghetti with chopsticks. I guess I don't eat spaghetti enough.
No, no. I eat almost like I eat so many meals with chopsticks. I just think it's better. I eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. At the crib, I eat with chopsticks. The thing I don't, I should start eating like spaghetti with chopsticks. I guess I don't eat spaghetti enough.
Omakase.
Omakase.
Now I'm a little hungry. All right. The next one is if you want a date in New York, you need to be in therapy.
Now I'm a little hungry. All right. The next one is if you want a date in New York, you need to be in therapy.
But medium. What is that? That's like that's like white plus.
But medium. What is that? That's like that's like white plus.
Oh, yeah, I know that.
Oh, yeah, I know that.
absolutely and stand-up comedy is not attractive in a heterosexual female body so wait what do you mean by that it emasculates men ah because all men wish they were stand-up comedians right that's another take right that's so true yes absolutely i think it would be very hard if i was a woman to date uh or no if i wait no if i was still who i am i think it would be hard to date a comic
absolutely and stand-up comedy is not attractive in a heterosexual female body so wait what do you mean by that it emasculates men ah because all men wish they were stand-up comedians right that's another take right that's so true yes absolutely i think it would be very hard if i was a woman to date uh or no if i wait no if i was still who i am i think it would be hard to date a comic
That's nice. Yeah. Do you really need therapy to chill out and be nice to the person that you love?
That's nice. Yeah. Do you really need therapy to chill out and be nice to the person that you love?
Right.
Right.
Yes. That's why, for me, I went to therapy. Yes. And then once I realized that, I said, all right, I'm good now.
Yes. That's why, for me, I went to therapy. Yes. And then once I realized that, I said, all right, I'm good now.
What do you mean LOL?
What do you mean LOL?
No, I think I went for like eight years.
No, I think I went for like eight years.
And then I was like, I think I got to a point, honestly, like I felt healed. Like I really genuinely felt healed. And I got to a point where I was like, I think I got it. Like, I think I actually have figured like this has helped to the point where I realize why I am the way I am. And I'm able to observe my actions and my feelings and my reactions.
And then I was like, I think I got to a point, honestly, like I felt healed. Like I really genuinely felt healed. And I got to a point where I was like, I think I got it. Like, I think I actually have figured like this has helped to the point where I realize why I am the way I am. And I'm able to observe my actions and my feelings and my reactions.
Yo, what the hell? I don't want to swear. What the fell? What the frick is up? Subway takes the podcast. What's good? What's popping? What's happening? I'm your host, Kareem Rahma. And today I am joined by Joyelle Nicole Johnson. You've seen her on The Tonight Show. You've seen her on Late Night with Seth Meyers. You've seen her on Comedy Central.
Yo, what the hell? I don't want to swear. What the fell? What the frick is up? Subway takes the podcast. What's good? What's popping? What's happening? I'm your host, Kareem Rahma. And today I am joined by Joyelle Nicole Johnson. You've seen her on The Tonight Show. You've seen her on Late Night with Seth Meyers. You've seen her on Comedy Central.
And then I was like, I think I'm going to take a break from the therapy and just try to like live my life without it. But knowing that all of these things and it worked and I haven't been back in like three years, but I also haven't had any mental breakdowns.
And then I was like, I think I'm going to take a break from the therapy and just try to like live my life without it. But knowing that all of these things and it worked and I haven't been back in like three years, but I also haven't had any mental breakdowns.
And I raw dogged. I raw dogged the pregnancy. I raw dogged the birth. I raw dogged the first year of a child.
And I raw dogged. I raw dogged the pregnancy. I raw dogged the birth. I raw dogged the first year of a child.
I think people should put a limit on it, though. Otherwise you get addicted. You become an addict. Maybe it becomes a crutch.
I think people should put a limit on it, though. Otherwise you get addicted. You become an addict. Maybe it becomes a crutch.
You're trying to be a contrarian? I'm trying to be a contrarian.
You're trying to be a contrarian? I'm trying to be a contrarian.
It's not working.
It's not working.
All of my beliefs are very, very, very loosely held.
All of my beliefs are very, very, very loosely held.
I can be convinced. And I also like really don't care that much.
I can be convinced. And I also like really don't care that much.
So I genuinely just want everyone to be happy.
So I genuinely just want everyone to be happy.
Then, then yeah, that's, then keep doing it.
Then, then yeah, that's, then keep doing it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They don't advise that though. They try to make you come in twice a month, twice a week.
They don't advise that though. They try to make you come in twice a month, twice a week.
That's fire. So you got a celebrity couples therapist?
That's fire. So you got a celebrity couples therapist?
Does he have tariffs on it?
Does he have tariffs on it?
He put tariffs on it.
He put tariffs on it.
Me too.
Me too.
I wanted to give him... So I was doing my own self-defense, maybe. Is that the word? Where I was just like, you know what? I'm not going to be so upset. I'm just going to let him cook a little bit and see. I'm not going to get all worked up. I'm not going to get all riled up. I'm just going to kind of like...
I wanted to give him... So I was doing my own self-defense, maybe. Is that the word? Where I was just like, you know what? I'm not going to be so upset. I'm just going to let him cook a little bit and see. I'm not going to get all worked up. I'm not going to get all riled up. I'm just going to kind of like...
I think a lot of people did move.
I think a lot of people did move.
Oh, you're really thinking about it, too?
Oh, you're really thinking about it, too?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
You're like, fuck all this shit.
You're like, fuck all this shit.
Staying and fighting? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Staying and fighting? No, no, no, no, no, no.
That is so funny.
That is so funny.
That is so funny. Well, I don't even, like, I'm no draft dodger. Mm-hmm. But even if I stay, I'm not fighting.
That is so funny. Well, I don't even, like, I'm no draft dodger. Mm-hmm. But even if I stay, I'm not fighting.
Men just need water. It's a man's take.
Men just need water. It's a man's take.
I got flat feet. I got flat feet.
I got flat feet. I got flat feet.
Yeah, you can't let me in. I'll fail.
Yeah, you can't let me in. I'll fail.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time. Therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time. Therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury.
With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress. Your mental health is worth it, and now it's within reach. Look, I'm a believer. I've done therapy and it has helped me tremendously. I feel like, honestly, my life would be a lot worse without it.
With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress. Your mental health is worth it, and now it's within reach. Look, I'm a believer. I've done therapy and it has helped me tremendously. I feel like, honestly, my life would be a lot worse without it.
It's honestly helped me untangle my life and figure out what to do and when to do it, really. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. plus switch therapists at any time.
It's honestly helped me untangle my life and figure out what to do and when to do it, really. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. plus switch therapists at any time.
Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. If I was in the army, I'd definitely want to be one of those guys that's just on the computer. I would want to run social media for the army.
Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. If I was in the army, I'd definitely want to be one of those guys that's just on the computer. I would want to run social media for the army.
Yeah, I'll be part of the propaganda machine sitting in the bomb squad being like, so what's your take?
Yeah, I'll be part of the propaganda machine sitting in the bomb squad being like, so what's your take?
Well, I belong to the streets, so it's fine. You're just out here. I've been belonging to the streets my whole life.
Well, I belong to the streets, so it's fine. You're just out here. I've been belonging to the streets my whole life.
Literally in the trenches, there's a gunfire happening. Hey, so what's your take? Oh, man, I think this is awesome.
Literally in the trenches, there's a gunfire happening. Hey, so what's your take? Oh, man, I think this is awesome.
Oh, probably shouldn't have gone to war.
Oh, probably shouldn't have gone to war.
Person just dies in front of me. You're like, uh-oh. Or like the guy that's like, here's my day in the life of a U.S. soldier.
Person just dies in front of me. You're like, uh-oh. Or like the guy that's like, here's my day in the life of a U.S. soldier.
I want to be the head of social media for the Army.
I want to be the head of social media for the Army.
I think so too.
I think so too.
That'd be a sick army. Got all sorts of like fighting styles.
That'd be a sick army. Got all sorts of like fighting styles.
Fucking.
Fucking.
What's the Thai one? Muay Thai?
What's the Thai one? Muay Thai?
You got Muay Thai. We have MMA.
You got Muay Thai. We have MMA.
Karate. Oh, yeah. Tai Chi. I don't know if that's for fighting, but it's. Judo, no? Judo. Boxing. Yeah. All of the fighting styles.
Karate. Oh, yeah. Tai Chi. I don't know if that's for fighting, but it's. Judo, no? Judo. Boxing. Yeah. All of the fighting styles.
That'd be a fire army.
That'd be a fire army.
I belong to the tunnels.
I belong to the tunnels.
Oh, segregation within the segregation.
Oh, segregation within the segregation.
Oh, so everyone lives in their own zone.
Oh, so everyone lives in their own zone.
The subway tunnels. Don't get any silly ideas, people. Don't be deporting me. I'm not in the Hamas tunnels. You know, I'm just saying. They got tunnels.
The subway tunnels. Don't get any silly ideas, people. Don't be deporting me. I'm not in the Hamas tunnels. You know, I'm just saying. They got tunnels.
Zone one, zone two, zone three. And then there's like the mixing zone.
Zone one, zone two, zone three. And then there's like the mixing zone.
Have you ever been to Japan?
Have you ever been to Japan?
So Japan has a very homogenous society. And it is pretty blissful because everyone's on the same page. Everyone's like, I know the rules. We understand the rules. We understand the whole thing. Everyone does the same kind of things. It's just very simple to understand, and they don't accept citizens really from anywhere, even the U.S.
So Japan has a very homogenous society. And it is pretty blissful because everyone's on the same page. Everyone's like, I know the rules. We understand the rules. We understand the whole thing. Everyone does the same kind of things. It's just very simple to understand, and they don't accept citizens really from anywhere, even the U.S.
It's really hard to become a Japanese citizen even from the U.S., and... It's pretty nice, but you miss the chaos of a New York City where everyone is bringing their own swag to the game, to the party. But that is both the beauty and the detrimental aspect to having a culture that is filled with people from other cultures, is that there is no monoculture.
It's really hard to become a Japanese citizen even from the U.S., and... It's pretty nice, but you miss the chaos of a New York City where everyone is bringing their own swag to the game, to the party. But that is both the beauty and the detrimental aspect to having a culture that is filled with people from other cultures, is that there is no monoculture.
Like, you walk outside and you see a guy in, like, a cafea and another guy, like, wearing, like, some other shit. And then, like, I'm in Chinatown right now, and it's very much Chinatown. But if I walk two blocks, I'm in Little Italy, which is not really Little Italy. Little Italy is not really, you know, just a tourist destination. But, yeah, it's, like, it's enjoyable on a vacation, but...
Like, you walk outside and you see a guy in, like, a cafea and another guy, like, wearing, like, some other shit. And then, like, I'm in Chinatown right now, and it's very much Chinatown. But if I walk two blocks, I'm in Little Italy, which is not really Little Italy. Little Italy is not really, you know, just a tourist destination. But, yeah, it's, like, it's enjoyable on a vacation, but...
But I don't know if I'd ever want to live in a place where everyone's exactly the same.
But I don't know if I'd ever want to live in a place where everyone's exactly the same.
Against.
Against.
But only in Brooklyn. They have tunnels in Brooklyn, but we have them in occupied lands. Well, that's actually a great segue to the take, which is bring back segregation. Bring it back. And I 100% disagreed, but you made some really good points, and I changed my mind when you said I belong in the...
But only in Brooklyn. They have tunnels in Brooklyn, but we have them in occupied lands. Well, that's actually a great segue to the take, which is bring back segregation. Bring it back. And I 100% disagreed, but you made some really good points, and I changed my mind when you said I belong in the...
And invasion. There's an invasion in Brooklyn.
And invasion. There's an invasion in Brooklyn.
It is fully invaded.
It is fully invaded.
Well, that is a white, white people just take over. yeah they really come in and they take over and then they homogenize and make everything boring as fuck and actually i really like white people i have a lot of white friends so shout out to my white friends but you do be making shit really boring like the coffee shop man coffee shop used to be fire
Well, that is a white, white people just take over. yeah they really come in and they take over and then they homogenize and make everything boring as fuck and actually i really like white people i have a lot of white friends so shout out to my white friends but you do be making shit really boring like the coffee shop man coffee shop used to be fire
yeah like it literally used to be a place to hang out even even in like friends they were white but that was a different kind of new york i guess but now it's just like oh let me make it a blank street coffee blank street literally meaning it's blank there's not even chairs they're very honest with their um things sometimes but i just want because you know they'll come into our neighborhoods and they'll be like you're being too loud and it's like
yeah like it literally used to be a place to hang out even even in like friends they were white but that was a different kind of new york i guess but now it's just like oh let me make it a blank street coffee blank street literally meaning it's blank there's not even chairs they're very honest with their um things sometimes but i just want because you know they'll come into our neighborhoods and they'll be like you're being too loud and it's like
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think they prioritize comfort and convenience over everything. That's what it is. And the comfort in the sense that it's like a selfish comfort. Not even like I feel a part of my community comfort, but it's like it's too loud. It's too loud here kind of comfort. It's like a selfish comfort where it's like you're too loud. I want peace and quiet. You're too loud.
I think they prioritize comfort and convenience over everything. That's what it is. And the comfort in the sense that it's like a selfish comfort. Not even like I feel a part of my community comfort, but it's like it's too loud. It's too loud here kind of comfort. It's like a selfish comfort where it's like you're too loud. I want peace and quiet. You're too loud.
And then the convenience element is like I need a coffee. I don't want chairs. I don't even want a human being. I want a fucking machine to do the work for me. You know what I mean? I feel like that is part of the big problem is convenience and comfort. And that is why Uber exists. That is why Seamless exists or the food delivery apps. That's why the hip dentist or the hip doctor exists.
And then the convenience element is like I need a coffee. I don't want chairs. I don't even want a human being. I want a fucking machine to do the work for me. You know what I mean? I feel like that is part of the big problem is convenience and comfort. And that is why Uber exists. That is why Seamless exists or the food delivery apps. That's why the hip dentist or the hip doctor exists.
It's all about convenience and comfort. And when you do convenience and comfort, you strip out... You strip out the flavor.
It's all about convenience and comfort. And when you do convenience and comfort, you strip out... You strip out the flavor.
I feel like white people always have beef with their families. Yeah, there's never there's never it's always I hate my mom. I hate my dad or I don't get along with my mom or I don't get along with my dad or I don't speak to my cousins or I don't speak to my aunts. There's always beef. There's always some sort of beef.
I feel like white people always have beef with their families. Yeah, there's never there's never it's always I hate my mom. I hate my dad or I don't get along with my mom or I don't get along with my dad or I don't speak to my cousins or I don't speak to my aunts. There's always beef. There's always some sort of beef.
Yeah, I understand the micro beefs, but but like the beefs of like, I don't talk to that person.
Yeah, I understand the micro beefs, but but like the beefs of like, I don't talk to that person.
And that starts by, I think, Mom, leave me the fuck alone, you bitch.
And that starts by, I think, Mom, leave me the fuck alone, you bitch.
Imagine calling your mom a bitch. My mom would fucking shove my head in the washing machine and probably turn it on. She would waterboard me. My mom would waterboard me.
Imagine calling your mom a bitch. My mom would fucking shove my head in the washing machine and probably turn it on. She would waterboard me. My mom would waterboard me.
I think we should get rid of the word people of color to represent kind of this whole group of people, whether I'm in it, you're in it, Asians, Mexicans, whatever. And we should just start calling white people people of no color.
I think we should get rid of the word people of color to represent kind of this whole group of people, whether I'm in it, you're in it, Asians, Mexicans, whatever. And we should just start calling white people people of no color.
So then we just become people.
So then we just become people.
Yeah. No, seriously. We're the global majority.
Yeah. No, seriously. We're the global majority.
People of no color.
People of no color.
I genuinely think that this could be a movement. People of no color, people of no culture, people of no... Because the beauty of me... I'm just going to flex on myself right now, but the beauty of me going to Spain is everyone thinks I'm a Spaniard. The beauty of me going to Puerto Rico is everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican.
I genuinely think that this could be a movement. People of no color, people of no culture, people of no... Because the beauty of me... I'm just going to flex on myself right now, but the beauty of me going to Spain is everyone thinks I'm a Spaniard. The beauty of me going to Puerto Rico is everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican.
The beauty of me going to Egypt or Morocco or Sudan, people... I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe in some of the Asian countries I do, but I could probably pass for Pakistan or India and I could cruise around there. Um... But it's a beautiful thing to be like, oh, I'm a man of the world.
The beauty of me going to Egypt or Morocco or Sudan, people... I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe in some of the Asian countries I do, but I could probably pass for Pakistan or India and I could cruise around there. Um... But it's a beautiful thing to be like, oh, I'm a man of the world.
Whereas maybe a white person is very limited or a person of no color is limited in a world where most people are colorful.
Whereas maybe a white person is very limited or a person of no color is limited in a world where most people are colorful.
You have enough. You could easily go to Egypt or Morocco. They might think that you have more African in you than a Moroccan person. But I think you can cruise around a little bit more. You can go to Dominican. They'll accept you.
You have enough. You could easily go to Egypt or Morocco. They might think that you have more African in you than a Moroccan person. But I think you can cruise around a little bit more. You can go to Dominican. They'll accept you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get very tan in the summer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get very tan in the summer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You'll be the first person to see it.
You'll be the first person to see it.
Omakase in the summertime. That sounds like a Harry Styles song.
Omakase in the summertime. That sounds like a Harry Styles song.
Omakase for one. He's good.
Omakase for one. He's good.
I like Harry Styles.
I like Harry Styles.
I think he has a song called Sushi in a Restaurant or something. Oh, yeah. We can play his music. His music's up. It's fun.
I think he has a song called Sushi in a Restaurant or something. Oh, yeah. We can play his music. His music's up. It's fun.
We can play his music in the restaurant.
We can play his music in the restaurant.
Okay, turn it on on your way to couples therapy.
Okay, turn it on on your way to couples therapy.
See what happens.
See what happens.
Okay, the last take on takes I want to get is... And I should mention, you should 100% agree or 100% disagree to this. Oh! I just started. This is only the second episode, so... Becoming hot has become too accessible.
Okay, the last take on takes I want to get is... And I should mention, you should 100% agree or 100% disagree to this. Oh! I just started. This is only the second episode, so... Becoming hot has become too accessible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, but yeah, I guess it's easy to be skinny now.
No, but yeah, I guess it's easy to be skinny now.
You don't eat.
You don't eat.
It's an extremely rare case where I get my mind changed. I think you're right. Like, it's happened maybe five times because I only have one option to say 100% agree, 100% disagree. That one I obviously, without knowing what you were going to say, was like, I'm not dying on this. This is not where I'm going to – this is not where Kareem Rahma, like, ends. RIP. Bring back segregation. 100% agree.
It's an extremely rare case where I get my mind changed. I think you're right. Like, it's happened maybe five times because I only have one option to say 100% agree, 100% disagree. That one I obviously, without knowing what you were going to say, was like, I'm not dying on this. This is not where I'm going to – this is not where Kareem Rahma, like, ends. RIP. Bring back segregation. 100% agree.
But being skinny is hard if you're doing it naturally without the stick, that stick.
But being skinny is hard if you're doing it naturally without the stick, that stick.
Yeah, that's the only way to get skinny.
Yeah, that's the only way to get skinny.
If you don't have that body type in the first place. But I was actually thinking, because I'm a thick boy, I have a hard time buying a good fitting shirt or something that fits well, that's not too tight or too loose. I was thinking I would prefer this than to be one of those guys that cannot, like, that is so, like, they can't gain weight. You know those guys? Yes.
If you don't have that body type in the first place. But I was actually thinking, because I'm a thick boy, I have a hard time buying a good fitting shirt or something that fits well, that's not too tight or too loose. I was thinking I would prefer this than to be one of those guys that cannot, like, that is so, like, they can't gain weight. You know those guys? Yes.
They're just, they're, like, so thin. Yeah. And they cannot gain weight or put on muscle.
They're just, they're, like, so thin. Yeah. And they cannot gain weight or put on muscle.
And I would rather be a big boy than be a twig.
And I would rather be a big boy than be a twig.
Shout out your mother.
Shout out your mother.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I auditioned for that. I didn't get the part.
Oh, I auditioned for that. I didn't get the part.
No, no, no, no, no. I think I was a cool roommate. I've never seen the show, but from what I understood in the sides, it was like the cool friend.
No, no, no, no, no. I think I was a cool roommate. I've never seen the show, but from what I understood in the sides, it was like the cool friend.
I think that was the black role. I think that's the one where I was like, I don't want to audition for this.
I think that was the black role. I think that's the one where I was like, I don't want to audition for this.
Yeah, it was a black role in a black show. And I was like, I don't want to audition for this. And my agent was like, you're North African American. I was like, well, you got a point. Let's try.
Yeah, it was a black role in a black show. And I was like, I don't want to audition for this. And my agent was like, you're North African American. I was like, well, you got a point. Let's try.
Okay, great. This is great news. That just opened up a world of opportunity.
Okay, great. This is great news. That just opened up a world of opportunity.
No, because you have to stand by what you said.
No, because you have to stand by what you said.
I have Afro hair, which I didn't learn how to take care of until I was 34. And I'm 38, so four years ago. And, you know, I think that one is a shoo-in. If you have hair like my kind of hair, you are automatically, even if you're white or Jewish, let's put you in the colored section. If you have any sort of nap to it. Yes.
I have Afro hair, which I didn't learn how to take care of until I was 34. And I'm 38, so four years ago. And, you know, I think that one is a shoo-in. If you have hair like my kind of hair, you are automatically, even if you're white or Jewish, let's put you in the colored section. If you have any sort of nap to it. Yes.
Right, two instead of three.
Right, two instead of three.
Did you watch White Lotus?
Did you watch White Lotus?
And you saw that? I mean, they literally did that in the show.
And you saw that? I mean, they literally did that in the show.
No, me too. I think there's something about watching white people suffer. Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich white people suffer. That is so, it's just great.
No, me too. I think there's something about watching white people suffer. Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich white people suffer. That is so, it's just great.
It's so fun to peek in.
It's so fun to peek in.
Do you think that they sometimes see themselves in the characters and go, fuck I'm that girl. I hate myself.
Do you think that they sometimes see themselves in the characters and go, fuck I'm that girl. I hate myself.
Yes, let's do it.
Yes, let's do it.
Yeah, he's hilarious. He's hilarious in the role because he grew up like that. I mean, if that's true, that makes a lot of sense. Because I was like, he's weird on screen. Like, he's not good on screen.
Yeah, he's hilarious. He's hilarious in the role because he grew up like that. I mean, if that's true, that makes a lot of sense. Because I was like, he's weird on screen. Like, he's not good on screen.
no but he's he's hating himself yeah yeah like i hated it despisable yeah no it was uh perfect casting parker posey being the whitest woman of all time that accent though i don't know if i i agree with that accent what do you mean don't agree with it i felt like it wasn't southern it was just kind of like a speech impediment like i was like this is not convincing me
no but he's he's hating himself yeah yeah like i hated it despisable yeah no it was uh perfect casting parker posey being the whitest woman of all time that accent though i don't know if i i agree with that accent what do you mean don't agree with it i felt like it wasn't southern it was just kind of like a speech impediment like i was like this is not convincing me
She took a little bit of time to get used to. I loved it. But once I got used to it, I thought it was funny.
She took a little bit of time to get used to. I loved it. But once I got used to it, I thought it was funny.
It was very obvious that they were like, we need an iconic, like... White woman. Rich white woman.
It was very obvious that they were like, we need an iconic, like... White woman. Rich white woman.
Yeah. And you watched the finale last night?
Yeah. And you watched the finale last night?
I think so.
I think so.
He landed the plane. I landed the plane. White Lotus landed the plane. You know, they did not have me in the first half. I was like, this show has lost its touch. We're cooked.
He landed the plane. I landed the plane. White Lotus landed the plane. You know, they did not have me in the first half. I was like, this show has lost its touch. We're cooked.
But then as soon as that snake episode hit... I was like, all right, some sinister shit's about to go down. But tragic ending, in my opinion, to the show.
But then as soon as that snake episode hit... I was like, all right, some sinister shit's about to go down. But tragic ending, in my opinion, to the show.
The two.
The two.
They got red. Well, I don't want to spoil it, but they did make it out like bandits.
They got red. Well, I don't want to spoil it, but they did make it out like bandits.
It is messy.
It is messy.
Well, thank you very much for joining us to discuss your take again. Joyelle Nicole Johnson, where can people find you?
Well, thank you very much for joining us to discuss your take again. Joyelle Nicole Johnson, where can people find you?
But what's crazy is you had a lot of support. I mean, I thought that the racists and the haters and just like kind of the people that don't get humor were just going to be in the comments being like, you know, send her to the fucking gulag or whatever. But it was supportive. It was mostly people like people got the joke and they also understood the
But what's crazy is you had a lot of support. I mean, I thought that the racists and the haters and just like kind of the people that don't get humor were just going to be in the comments being like, you know, send her to the fucking gulag or whatever. But it was supportive. It was mostly people like people got the joke and they also understood the
Union Hall.
Union Hall.
Is that a different place?
Is that a different place?
It's Union Hall.
It's Union Hall.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a hole in the wall.
Well, thank you so much for joining us. It has been a blast.
Well, thank you so much for joining us. It has been a blast.
Thank you.
Thank you.
the undertone of what you were saying, which is this kind of black excellence, kind of we got the best stuff. I'm saying we because I'm in the club based on what you told me.
the undertone of what you were saying, which is this kind of black excellence, kind of we got the best stuff. I'm saying we because I'm in the club based on what you told me.
I want to be in it. I want to be in it. Put me in the club. With the hair and the name, I belong in the club.
I want to be in it. I want to be in it. Put me in the club. With the hair and the name, I belong in the club.
And you can stream her special Lovejoy on Peacock today. She came through with an unbelievably spicy take. And I'm not talking white spicy. I'm talking black spicy. Level 10 Thai spicy. Like hurt your mouth, burn your mouth spicy. Which is bring back segregation. Play the take.
And you can stream her special Lovejoy on Peacock today. She came through with an unbelievably spicy take. And I'm not talking white spicy. I'm talking black spicy. Level 10 Thai spicy. Like hurt your mouth, burn your mouth spicy. Which is bring back segregation. Play the take.
Oh my God. We didn't even get into schools in that episode.
Oh my God. We didn't even get into schools in that episode.
Well, you know, there's only enough room for a couple of spicy soundbites.
Well, you know, there's only enough room for a couple of spicy soundbites.
So you grew up where?
So you grew up where?
You grew up in Union, New Jersey.
You grew up in Union, New Jersey.
You're ready to undo it.
You're ready to undo it.
At the same time that I'm learning about all of the trauma that has happened to my, what is it, bloodline or my race, whatever. I don't know what the word is at the same time. But when you frame it that way, it sounds so jarring. But actually, I feel like it would actually set Black people up for an incredible kind of second chapter of their life. Like all of a sudden...
At the same time that I'm learning about all of the trauma that has happened to my, what is it, bloodline or my race, whatever. I don't know what the word is at the same time. But when you frame it that way, it sounds so jarring. But actually, I feel like it would actually set Black people up for an incredible kind of second chapter of their life. Like all of a sudden...
Maybe you go to college at Howard University, which Ta-Nehisi Coates has said is literally a utopia. It's where his entire worldview was shaped. And he's obviously an incredibly brilliant writer and thinker and intellectual. And I think that there is something to be said, even if there is...
Maybe you go to college at Howard University, which Ta-Nehisi Coates has said is literally a utopia. It's where his entire worldview was shaped. And he's obviously an incredibly brilliant writer and thinker and intellectual. And I think that there is something to be said, even if there is...
If you're not going to segregate the schools, that there is a program or something that is like African American Studies and it's in elementary school and it's setting you... Like, maybe it's just a sidetrack that is like, here's what happened and here's what you need to know about growing up Black in America.
If you're not going to segregate the schools, that there is a program or something that is like African American Studies and it's in elementary school and it's setting you... Like, maybe it's just a sidetrack that is like, here's what happened and here's what you need to know about growing up Black in America.
Right, right, right. I mean, but all the bullying is kind of racist. Like I was bullied because of my stinky lunch, which is what happens to pretty much –
Right, right, right. I mean, but all the bullying is kind of racist. Like I was bullied because of my stinky lunch, which is what happens to pretty much –
most foreigners you know their parents and i was like no i want to eat the fucking pizza rolls mom and she's making me like a home-cooked like rice and like grape leaves stuffed grape leaves and and i don't want to bring it because it stinks up the locker and then people are making fun of me for having a stinky locker and i want to eat fucking pizza rolls with chad or just like a pretzel with cheese and my mom's my mom's just like she's just she's like i have failed by moving to this country
most foreigners you know their parents and i was like no i want to eat the fucking pizza rolls mom and she's making me like a home-cooked like rice and like grape leaves stuffed grape leaves and and i don't want to bring it because it stinks up the locker and then people are making fun of me for having a stinky locker and i want to eat fucking pizza rolls with chad or just like a pretzel with cheese and my mom's my mom's just like she's just she's like i have failed by moving to this country
Let's jerk each other off and race horses or play polo or whatever the rich do.
Let's jerk each other off and race horses or play polo or whatever the rich do.
So you think that Black History Month is not enough? Oh, absolutely not. I'm making a joke. The month?
So you think that Black History Month is not enough? Oh, absolutely not. I'm making a joke. The month?
I think it should be a day. Yeah. Black History Day, you know, moving on.
I think it should be a day. Yeah. Black History Day, you know, moving on.
Moving on.
Moving on.
Well, and at this point, Black History Month is literally like, hey, Sprite is on sale. Or like, here's a new ad for Nike featuring some black people.
Well, and at this point, Black History Month is literally like, hey, Sprite is on sale. Or like, here's a new ad for Nike featuring some black people.
Just a little bit. I think that reparations is actually possible. I do think it's possible.
Just a little bit. I think that reparations is actually possible. I do think it's possible.
I know. That's what I'm saying. It's possible.
I know. That's what I'm saying. It's possible.
Throw black people a couple of casinos.
Throw black people a couple of casinos.
Imagine if they were like, if that was the deal, those just like we're just doing casinos like they did with Native Americans. There's like, let's give you some. Imagine the black casino.
Imagine if they were like, if that was the deal, those just like we're just doing casinos like they did with Native Americans. There's like, let's give you some. Imagine the black casino.
Or Black Vegas. I mean that. Black Vegas is, that's Wakanda. That's Wakanda 2.
Or Black Vegas. I mean that. Black Vegas is, that's Wakanda. That's Wakanda 2.
Um, let's just say I dabble in it.
Um, let's just say I dabble in it.
Let's just say that it's not a habit.
Let's just say that it's not a habit.
But if there is a casino or a bet to be made, I'm taking the bet.
But if there is a casino or a bet to be made, I'm taking the bet.
I'm taking the bet.
I'm taking the bet.
The segregation is to get the.
The segregation is to get the.
but like going to and putting money down on a thing that terrifies me you know it's funny too because even in comedy I feel like black people are better at comedy than white people I know this is very this is a take
but like going to and putting money down on a thing that terrifies me you know it's funny too because even in comedy I feel like black people are better at comedy than white people I know this is very this is a take
OK.
OK.
And I'm probably going to get in trouble for this. But I think most people would agree. I think if you're honest with yourself, black people, let's not let's take it out of comedy. Black people are funnier. And they're more fun to be around.
And I'm probably going to get in trouble for this. But I think most people would agree. I think if you're honest with yourself, black people, let's not let's take it out of comedy. Black people are funnier. And they're more fun to be around.
I've seen the nutty professor. I've seen it.
I've seen the nutty professor. I've seen it.
Do you have more ideas up your sleeve? Of course. Boyroom's just the tip of the iceberg.
Do you have more ideas up your sleeve? Of course. Boyroom's just the tip of the iceberg.
That's so nice. Why are you being so nice to me?
That's so nice. Why are you being so nice to me?
You're a really nice person. Actually, you're a really nice person. No, no.
You're a really nice person. Actually, you're a really nice person. No, no.
Oh, no. Every time I've ever talked to you, you've been so nice. You think about me a lot. Actually, one time you did something really nice. When we first met, I think we had first met maybe like four years ago or three years ago. And we were at a show. I forgot whose show. Maybe it was my show. Maybe it was someone else's show. But you were like, hey, we don't know each other. But I like...
Oh, no. Every time I've ever talked to you, you've been so nice. You think about me a lot. Actually, one time you did something really nice. When we first met, I think we had first met maybe like four years ago or three years ago. And we were at a show. I forgot whose show. Maybe it was my show. Maybe it was someone else's show. But you were like, hey, we don't know each other. But I like...
knew about you when I was in college. You were like, I loved your website. At the time, my website was a Google Doc.
knew about you when I was in college. You were like, I loved your website. At the time, my website was a Google Doc.
That's so cool. I feel potentially like an elder statesman a little bit. Even though I've only been in the scene for six years, I feel like I like the youth a lot. I really do like the youth a lot. I only hire people exclusively based on vibe. I've never hired someone based on their skills. It's always based on vibe. My question is, would I go on vacation with this person Yes or no.
That's so cool. I feel potentially like an elder statesman a little bit. Even though I've only been in the scene for six years, I feel like I like the youth a lot. I really do like the youth a lot. I only hire people exclusively based on vibe. I've never hired someone based on their skills. It's always based on vibe. My question is, would I go on vacation with this person Yes or no.
And if I would go on vacation with them, I hire them.
And if I would go on vacation with them, I hire them.
She's the host of the popular internet show, Boy Room, which is television that is on the internet, kind of like my shows. And she's one of the funniest people I've ever met. And her take was that there should be no more group chats, which I find to be...
She's the host of the popular internet show, Boy Room, which is television that is on the internet, kind of like my shows. And she's one of the funniest people I've ever met. And her take was that there should be no more group chats, which I find to be...
So that's a little tip for the Rama heads out there. What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy Kareem Rahma, host of Subway Takes. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe you made the excuse, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help, or I don't know which doctor to go to. Yeah, I think we've all been there.
So that's a little tip for the Rama heads out there. What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy Kareem Rahma, host of Subway Takes. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe you made the excuse, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help, or I don't know which doctor to go to. Yeah, I think we've all been there.
Booking a doctor's appointment can feel so daunting. But thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
Booking a doctor's appointment can feel so daunting. But thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes. Do it.
Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes. Do it.
Do you want a normal job?
Do you want a normal job?
What is wrong? What's wrong? You have a cold?
What is wrong? What's wrong? You have a cold?
Which is not bad. It's not bad.
Which is not bad. It's not bad.
It's just how it goes.
It's just how it goes.
Um, one, one thing I want to talk about. So did you have a, this is based on your take. I just wonder, um, did you have a falling out with the group chat? Were they angry? Wags?
Um, one, one thing I want to talk about. So did you have a, this is based on your take. I just wonder, um, did you have a falling out with the group chat? Were they angry? Wags?
Wives and girlfriends of Zach Schiffman. Is that what it is?
Wives and girlfriends of Zach Schiffman. Is that what it is?
I left a group chat recently and destroyed a friendship.
I left a group chat recently and destroyed a friendship.
i'm so sorry kareem i'm no longer friends i'm no longer but i was like you know what i'm done i was like i'm injecting myself from this group chat i don't want to be friends anymore and i'm out and i dipped and then they tried to add me back in and make a new group chat and i said no i don't like this i don't i don't i'm not friends with this person anymore wow i'm really sorry and i'm sorry that they didn't like respect your boundary to not be in it anymore that is really difficult they try to put me back in
i'm so sorry kareem i'm no longer friends i'm no longer but i was like you know what i'm done i was like i'm injecting myself from this group chat i don't want to be friends anymore and i'm out and i dipped and then they tried to add me back in and make a new group chat and i said no i don't like this i don't i don't i'm not friends with this person anymore wow i'm really sorry and i'm sorry that they didn't like respect your boundary to not be in it anymore that is really difficult they try to put me back in
So how many group chats are you in?
So how many group chats are you in?
How many are you in?
How many are you in?
Those are your cornerstones.
Those are your cornerstones.
Do you engage in that one?
Do you engage in that one?
How many people are in that one?
How many people are in that one?
That's a small one.
That's a small one.
Oh, see, that's too intimate.
Oh, see, that's too intimate.
in the fair group chat.
in the fair group chat.
That's far too intimate.
That's far too intimate.
Well, what if you did an Irish exit?
Well, what if you did an Irish exit?
I was once in a group chat that was set up for a trip, like a bachelor party. And it was probably like five close friends or maybe three close friends and then like five, you know, of the bachelor's friends or whatever. And after the trip, people kept saying like, oh man, that was so fun. Oh, I want to go back. I want to do this. Oh, we should hang out.
I was once in a group chat that was set up for a trip, like a bachelor party. And it was probably like five close friends or maybe three close friends and then like five, you know, of the bachelor's friends or whatever. And after the trip, people kept saying like, oh man, that was so fun. Oh, I want to go back. I want to do this. Oh, we should hang out.
And I got really, I was like in a mood and I was like, guys, the trip is over. It was fun. All good things must come to an end. Yeah. And I'm leaving the group chat. And then I left. And I think... I'm pretty sure everyone talked a lot of shit after I left.
And I got really, I was like in a mood and I was like, guys, the trip is over. It was fun. All good things must come to an end. Yeah. And I'm leaving the group chat. And then I left. And I think... I'm pretty sure everyone talked a lot of shit after I left.
Don't you think so?
Don't you think so?
But is it community?
But is it community?
Oh my goodness. I think that it feels to me like more of a liability these days to be in a group chat. Because look at the president's guys, Trump's guys. Of course. All their group chats are leaking.
Oh my goodness. I think that it feels to me like more of a liability these days to be in a group chat. Because look at the president's guys, Trump's guys. Of course. All their group chats are leaking.
It's true. It's like a nightmare. OK, I'm with you on this one.
It's true. It's like a nightmare. OK, I'm with you on this one.
Do you think people just love you in the group chat? I feel like people just love you in the group chat.
Do you think people just love you in the group chat? I feel like people just love you in the group chat.
Wait, you can leave.
Wait, you can leave.
Well, that's because Zach Schiffman knows everything about everyone. He's incredible. He's my source. I love him.
Well, that's because Zach Schiffman knows everything about everyone. He's incredible. He's my source. I love him.
He's incredible. I ran into him the other night and I was like, man, I love being around this guy. And he was, well, he was just telling, he was spilling so many secrets and talking so much shit about so many people. And I'm like, you do realize we barely know each other, right? And he's like, yeah, but he's like, but for some reason, I just feel like I can tell you everything.
He's incredible. I ran into him the other night and I was like, man, I love being around this guy. And he was, well, he was just telling, he was spilling so many secrets and talking so much shit about so many people. And I'm like, you do realize we barely know each other, right? And he's like, yeah, but he's like, but for some reason, I just feel like I can tell you everything.
And I'm like, yeah, you can, because I forget, like I'm very forgetful. So I have no idea what he told me. He was like, don't tell anyone. I was like, I won't remember this tomorrow, which is true. I don't have enough room in my brain for it.
And I'm like, yeah, you can, because I forget, like I'm very forgetful. So I have no idea what he told me. He was like, don't tell anyone. I was like, I won't remember this tomorrow, which is true. I don't have enough room in my brain for it.
No, it's not even that. It's just like I just have a hole in my head. Like I have a hole in my brain. Like I don't know anything. I can't even remember what I did yesterday.
No, it's not even that. It's just like I just have a hole in my head. Like I have a hole in my brain. Like I don't know anything. I can't even remember what I did yesterday.
Wait, would you, if I started a group chat with you and him, do you think he would participate? Because he doesn't respond to my texts.
Wait, would you, if I started a group chat with you and him, do you think he would participate? Because he doesn't respond to my texts.
No, you can fire it off. But I have a question. I text him and he doesn't text me back. What's the deal with that?
No, you can fire it off. But I have a question. I text him and he doesn't text me back. What's the deal with that?
I sent him a text on Monday at 1.53pm and I said, God, you're so funny because this was after the party and I was thinking about how funny it was and guess what? He didn't respond.
I sent him a text on Monday at 1.53pm and I said, God, you're so funny because this was after the party and I was thinking about how funny it was and guess what? He didn't respond.
It is a community.
It is a community.
But he likes me in real life. Okay, look at this. Monday, August 26th. Shall we post your subway take today? No response. Monday, August 26th. Zach, baby, are you there? No response. Thursday, August 29th. We are live. Collab post sent. No response. Saturday, October 26th. A photograph of him. Well, it's not him. Look at this photo.
But he likes me in real life. Okay, look at this. Monday, August 26th. Shall we post your subway take today? No response. Monday, August 26th. Zach, baby, are you there? No response. Thursday, August 29th. We are live. Collab post sent. No response. Saturday, October 26th. A photograph of him. Well, it's not him. Look at this photo.
It looks like him and Zendaya. And I said... I thought this was you. Look what he said. Nothing. No response. Monday, 1.53 p.m. God, you're so funny. No response. What the fuck?
It looks like him and Zendaya. And I said... I thought this was you. Look what he said. Nothing. No response. Monday, 1.53 p.m. God, you're so funny. No response. What the fuck?
Why doesn't he respond to me?
Why doesn't he respond to me?
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? I'm texting him with you on CC.
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? I'm texting him with you on CC.
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? So we're going to find out. Hopefully on this podcast, we'll find out why he doesn't respond to my text. That's really funny.
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? So we're going to find out. Hopefully on this podcast, we'll find out why he doesn't respond to my text. That's really funny.
Oh, maybe. But he loves me. He told me he loves me. Okay, so I'm going to tell you the names of some of my group chats. And then you can rate them. Okay, one. These are the active ones. Safe Space.
Oh, maybe. But he loves me. He told me he loves me. Okay, so I'm going to tell you the names of some of my group chats. And then you can rate them. Okay, one. These are the active ones. Safe Space.
Do you do the minimal amount of work in there? Yeah, no, I never respond.
Do you do the minimal amount of work in there? Yeah, no, I never respond.
That one is, I think, six people. Let me see. Okay. Yeah, six people. It's very active. That one's daily. Deep Down in John's Anus. That one's also pretty active. That's a daily. Tiny Gun, which is my band, that one's active. Somebody just sent a text right now, actually. They're talking about Haim, the band. Everyone has a different purpose. Safe Space is semi-offensive memes.
That one is, I think, six people. Let me see. Okay. Yeah, six people. It's very active. That one's daily. Deep Down in John's Anus. That one's also pretty active. That's a daily. Tiny Gun, which is my band, that one's active. Somebody just sent a text right now, actually. They're talking about Haim, the band. Everyone has a different purpose. Safe Space is semi-offensive memes.
Deep Down in John's Anus is my closest friends. Tiny Gun is the band, and that one is mostly music-related, but also bits. We do a lot of bits as a band. People of color. That one's kind of hood. People of Color is kind of my hood group chat. The last photo that was sent in there is Jack Links and Doritos did a collab for Beef Jerky.
Deep Down in John's Anus is my closest friends. Tiny Gun is the band, and that one is mostly music-related, but also bits. We do a lot of bits as a band. People of color. That one's kind of hood. People of Color is kind of my hood group chat. The last photo that was sent in there is Jack Links and Doritos did a collab for Beef Jerky.
And then there's also a video of Kohl's fired its chief executive, Ashley, after she slept with someone. And then I have NYC Full Cock! I have the Capitalism Group, which is my managers. I named that one Capitalism Group. I think it's pretty good, pretty funny. That's really it. Those are my most active and I have them all pinned to the top. Oh, I have the three ass cheeks of the Lord.
And then there's also a video of Kohl's fired its chief executive, Ashley, after she slept with someone. And then I have NYC Full Cock! I have the Capitalism Group, which is my managers. I named that one Capitalism Group. I think it's pretty good, pretty funny. That's really it. Those are my most active and I have them all pinned to the top. Oh, I have the three ass cheeks of the Lord.
That one I'm not so active in, but Dale's in that one. And I receive a lot of memes through that, but I don't participate because I'm too active in the other group chats. Yeah, a lot of ass play in my names.
That one I'm not so active in, but Dale's in that one. And I receive a lot of memes through that, but I don't participate because I'm too active in the other group chats. Yeah, a lot of ass play in my names.
What's the name of your most active group chat?
What's the name of your most active group chat?
Well, we don't talk about it. We just name the group chat.
Well, we don't talk about it. We just name the group chat.
Wow. That is sick. A miracle.
Wow. That is sick. A miracle.
Who's the friend?
Who's the friend?
Wait, this is kind of not, I kind of like, this is an innovative new idea, which is like a purpose-based group chat.
Wait, this is kind of not, I kind of like, this is an innovative new idea, which is like a purpose-based group chat.
How many girls are in there?
How many girls are in there?
That's so nice, dude. I want to maybe do that for men.
That's so nice, dude. I want to maybe do that for men.
What's it called again? Capitalism is awesome.
What's it called again? Capitalism is awesome.
That's so sick. I love that.
That's so sick. I love that.
Plus.
Plus.
Like Paul Muskell or something?
Like Paul Muskell or something?
What's up, Rachel? Welcome to the show.
What's up, Rachel? Welcome to the show.
I feel like that's attainable and achievable.
I feel like that's attainable and achievable.
Okay, that's nice. Maybe Fran Lebowitz?
Okay, that's nice. Maybe Fran Lebowitz?
Or Barack Obama?
Or Barack Obama?
I think she's 26.
I think she's 26.
I just looked it up. I looked it up recently.
I just looked it up. I looked it up recently.
No, you don't. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
No, you don't. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
But maybe that's what's contributing to the erectile dysfunction. Yeah. Because that's what happens with erectile dysfunction. You put so much pressure on yourself to perform and then your pee-pee doesn't work.
But maybe that's what's contributing to the erectile dysfunction. Yeah. Because that's what happens with erectile dysfunction. You put so much pressure on yourself to perform and then your pee-pee doesn't work.
No, I'm saying that I'm using it as a metaphor for executive dysfunction.
No, I'm saying that I'm using it as a metaphor for executive dysfunction.
Because you have so much pressure and you're like, oh, I can't accomplish this small task because I'm going to fail.
Because you have so much pressure and you're like, oh, I can't accomplish this small task because I'm going to fail.
And so you don't fuck. You don't fuck life.
And so you don't fuck. You don't fuck life.
I have another idea. Maybe every morning... So what I do in the morning is I listen to a lot of music. But it's big. And my wife hates it because it's loud. But I'll be really full blast Apex Twin or Charlie XCX party music in the morning. And it gets me hyped up for the day. And I'm so excited to start it. Maybe you could put on Wolf of Wall Street.
I have another idea. Maybe every morning... So what I do in the morning is I listen to a lot of music. But it's big. And my wife hates it because it's loud. But I'll be really full blast Apex Twin or Charlie XCX party music in the morning. And it gets me hyped up for the day. And I'm so excited to start it. Maybe you could put on Wolf of Wall Street.
what's up everyone it's your boy karim rahma host of subway takes and subway takes the podcast amongst other various shows i have a really really really great guest for you today her name is rachel koster i've already recorded the episode so this is me telling you what we talked about already but stay tuned because we talk about her take which is that there should be no more group chats which i think i 100 disagreed with because i happen to love
what's up everyone it's your boy karim rahma host of subway takes and subway takes the podcast amongst other various shows i have a really really really great guest for you today her name is rachel koster i've already recorded the episode so this is me telling you what we talked about already but stay tuned because we talk about her take which is that there should be no more group chats which i think i 100 disagreed with because i happen to love
No, no, that can't be true.
No, no, that can't be true.
Of course. That's actually what the show is for.
Of course. That's actually what the show is for.
Do you put that on in the morning?
Do you put that on in the morning?
That's so funny.
That's so funny.
What's your screen time at?
What's your screen time at?
I mean, mine's really bad. Mine's like eight hours plus.
I mean, mine's really bad. Mine's like eight hours plus.
So that's when we can expect the best of Rachel Koster?
So that's when we can expect the best of Rachel Koster?
It's three years from now.
It's three years from now.
35?
35?
When you turn 35? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so right now it's 2025, the year. I don't know how old you are and you don't have to say, but let's give or take like a decade.
When you turn 35? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so right now it's 2025, the year. I don't know how old you are and you don't have to say, but let's give or take like a decade.
Between five and seven years.
Between five and seven years.
So that's how long we have to the Rachel Koster project.
So that's how long we have to the Rachel Koster project.
That's so good.
That's so good.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.
I'm very supportive of you, by the way. I think that you're great and you have a nice soul and you're a very nice person. So whenever you need my advice or tips, you know where to find me. And guess what's funny? Zach Schiffman, it's been 10... Did he text back? No, he hasn't texted back and he's not going to. He's literally not going to. But I bet if you texted him one-on-one, he would respond.
I'm very supportive of you, by the way. I think that you're great and you have a nice soul and you're a very nice person. So whenever you need my advice or tips, you know where to find me. And guess what's funny? Zach Schiffman, it's been 10... Did he text back? No, he hasn't texted back and he's not going to. He's literally not going to. But I bet if you texted him one-on-one, he would respond.
I don't know. He has a vendetta against me.
I don't know. He has a vendetta against me.
I think Shiffrin has a vendetta against me.
I think Shiffrin has a vendetta against me.
He doesn't respond to me.
He doesn't respond to me.
And what inspired this? Were you watching that guy, the Austin?
And what inspired this? Were you watching that guy, the Austin?
No, I'm not. I was wondering if you were watching the videos of that big buff, that jacked guy. He's black and he puts the ice packs on his face and Sarasota water. What's it called? Saratoga waters and stuff.
No, I'm not. I was wondering if you were watching the videos of that big buff, that jacked guy. He's black and he puts the ice packs on his face and Sarasota water. What's it called? Saratoga waters and stuff.
No, no, but you kind of alluded to this in the take. Yes.
No, no, but you kind of alluded to this in the take. Yes.
I thought you were inspired by him.
I thought you were inspired by him.
Do you have a herniated disc or something?
Do you have a herniated disc or something?
It's debilitating.
It's debilitating.
I'm sorry that happened. So it only flares up. It always kind of hurts and it's always kind of weak. But then I had the worst flare up ever last summer in August where I was vacationing and I pretty much collapsed and I couldn't walk or stand up and I thought I was paralyzed. So I went to the ER and they gave me opioids and I was like, oh, I could easily get addicted to these. I love them.
I'm sorry that happened. So it only flares up. It always kind of hurts and it's always kind of weak. But then I had the worst flare up ever last summer in August where I was vacationing and I pretty much collapsed and I couldn't walk or stand up and I thought I was paralyzed. So I went to the ER and they gave me opioids and I was like, oh, I could easily get addicted to these. I love them.
I want more. Do you know where I can get opioids?
I want more. Do you know where I can get opioids?
No, it can't be a psych.
No, it can't be a psych.
No, it has to be like a body doctor.
No, it has to be like a body doctor.
What did she give you?
What did she give you?
No, you have opioids? I'll buy them from you.
No, you have opioids? I'll buy them from you.
So you thought about it a little bit more and you found a solution, which is that group chats can exist, but there needs to be an expiration date.
So you thought about it a little bit more and you found a solution, which is that group chats can exist, but there needs to be an expiration date.
Being regular is one of the joys. When you're not, it's almost like when you are sick on your deathbed and you're like, man, I wish I would have taken advantage of when I was healthy. That's what being blocked up is like.
Being regular is one of the joys. When you're not, it's almost like when you are sick on your deathbed and you're like, man, I wish I would have taken advantage of when I was healthy. That's what being blocked up is like.
Wait, so this buffness journey.
Wait, so this buffness journey.
So it started, like, a year ago?
So it started, like, a year ago?
You have to eat protein.
You have to eat protein.
I'm on a diet right now.
I'm on a diet right now.
I'm just eating every meal of salad. It's not awful because I've actually now started to enjoy salads.
I'm just eating every meal of salad. It's not awful because I've actually now started to enjoy salads.
Because they're fun and creative.
Because they're fun and creative.
What's that?
What's that?
I might just do it for the piss.
I might just do it for the piss.
Oh, that's nice. I like that. I'll do it for the piss and the shit.
Oh, that's nice. I like that. I'll do it for the piss and the shit.
The problem with that is I don't make my salads. I've never made a salad. I've never actually made anything except for scrambled eggs in the morning.
The problem with that is I don't make my salads. I've never made a salad. I've never actually made anything except for scrambled eggs in the morning.
That's how I've been for 13 years. Unless I have a girlfriend or a wife who is willing and able to assist me in making my meals, which they've been happy to sometimes. I don't force them. Let me be clear here. They cook because they feel like it and they enjoy cooking, not because I am like, you have to be a good wife. But my current wife is a great cook.
That's how I've been for 13 years. Unless I have a girlfriend or a wife who is willing and able to assist me in making my meals, which they've been happy to sometimes. I don't force them. Let me be clear here. They cook because they feel like it and they enjoy cooking, not because I am like, you have to be a good wife. But my current wife is a great cook.
Last night she made me a bowl with salmon.
Last night she made me a bowl with salmon.
And it was like a proper bowl. It was like I went to dig in.
And it was like a proper bowl. It was like I went to dig in.
Well, man, man, chefs are sex, like man cooks. Like I have a friend who I was talking to on the phone. He was like, oh, I got to go. I got to cook for my child or my children. He has two children. And I was like, damn, you're the chef in the house. He's like, yeah. I was like, what are you making? He's like, oh, one of them wants fried rice and the other one wants like gourmet mac and cheese.
Well, man, man, chefs are sex, like man cooks. Like I have a friend who I was talking to on the phone. He was like, oh, I got to go. I got to cook for my child or my children. He has two children. And I was like, damn, you're the chef in the house. He's like, yeah. I was like, what are you making? He's like, oh, one of them wants fried rice and the other one wants like gourmet mac and cheese.
You want to go vanish mode.
You want to go vanish mode.
And I was like, you're going to make two meals. And then and then he's like, yeah, and then I'm going to cook for my wife. And I was like, damn, this dude is fucking sick. And I got really inspired.
And I was like, you're going to make two meals. And then and then he's like, yeah, and then I'm going to cook for my wife. And I was like, damn, this dude is fucking sick. And I got really inspired.
To think about it.
To think about it.
This was about three months ago.
This was about three months ago.
I don't know if anyone else says vanish mode. I feel like I invented that.
I don't know if anyone else says vanish mode. I feel like I invented that.
I make that at my house.
I make that at my house.
Do you know what the secret is? They add citric salt.
Do you know what the secret is? They add citric salt.
And it's fucking good. It makes it like tangy a little bit.
And it's fucking good. It makes it like tangy a little bit.
You just throw it in a bowl.
You just throw it in a bowl.
What is that? What does it taste like? It tastes like umami. It's umami.
What is that? What does it taste like? It tastes like umami. It's umami.
What if I just carried a little jar of that in my pocket?
What if I just carried a little jar of that in my pocket?
Like Hillary, when Hillary Clinton had that hot sauce.
Like Hillary, when Hillary Clinton had that hot sauce.
Vanish mode?
Vanish mode?
I think that was the American government being like, Asian food is bad. Don't eat it.
I think that was the American government being like, Asian food is bad. Don't eat it.
Was it on the menu? Did it say MSG?
Was it on the menu? Did it say MSG?
I only know one restaurant in Ridgewood. It's called Rolo's.
I only know one restaurant in Ridgewood. It's called Rolo's.
My wife is asking me to buy her some serum right now and I completely forgot and I was supposed to do it earlier today. I was supposed to go to the store called Blue Mercury to get SkinCeuticals CE Ferulic Serum.
My wife is asking me to buy her some serum right now and I completely forgot and I was supposed to do it earlier today. I was supposed to go to the store called Blue Mercury to get SkinCeuticals CE Ferulic Serum.
You use that too?
You use that too?
I have to find it. Where do I go? It's one in the West Village.
I have to find it. Where do I go? It's one in the West Village.
That's too far because right now I'm in Chinatown and I have to go to Windsor Terrace, which is by Park Slope. So I'm going to make her do the job of finding me a location. Okay, I want to do takes on takes.
That's too far because right now I'm in Chinatown and I have to go to Windsor Terrace, which is by Park Slope. So I'm going to make her do the job of finding me a location. Okay, I want to do takes on takes.
But did you call it vanish mode? That's the thing. No, that's my creation. That's my creation.
But did you call it vanish mode? That's the thing. No, that's my creation. That's my creation.
Takes on takes is your take on other people's takes.
Takes on takes is your take on other people's takes.
What do you mean you're going to reflect? I'm going to give you the taste.
What do you mean you're going to reflect? I'm going to give you the taste.
Okay, the first place you wash in the shower says everything about you.
Okay, the first place you wash in the shower says everything about you.
So you 100% disagree?
So you 100% disagree?
I'm a conditioner-only guy. But wait, look. You wash the chest.
I'm a conditioner-only guy. But wait, look. You wash the chest.
And then the arms.
And then the arms.
And then the torso.
And then the torso.
I skip leg day.
I skip leg day.
I never wash my legs.
I never wash my legs.
It's amazing. I'm a little concerned with what you said about your generation, which is that your generation doesn't know how to use technology. Is that true? I feel like your generation is pretty good at phones, but it seems like you might be an outlier.
It's amazing. I'm a little concerned with what you said about your generation, which is that your generation doesn't know how to use technology. Is that true? I feel like your generation is pretty good at phones, but it seems like you might be an outlier.
You don't?
You don't?
No. I feel like girls get really mad if you don't wash your legs.
No. I feel like girls get really mad if you don't wash your legs.
But... I should get a brush.
But... I should get a brush.
Do you have a wash rag or a brush or a loofah?
Do you have a wash rag or a brush or a loofah?
So I put conditioner in my hair immediately when I enter the shower and I leave it in for about 7 to 10 minutes. and then I wash it out, and there's no residue.
So I put conditioner in my hair immediately when I enter the shower and I leave it in for about 7 to 10 minutes. and then I wash it out, and there's no residue.
Let's hear your system.
Let's hear your system.
The cough cast. Cough cast with Rachel Koster. It's so gross. It's not your fault. It's not. It's God's fault.
The cough cast. Cough cast with Rachel Koster. It's so gross. It's not your fault. It's not. It's God's fault.
Okay, every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once.
Okay, every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once.
What if somebody has a small winkle?
What if somebody has a small winkle?
You don't think winkles are a problem?
You don't think winkles are a problem?
Yeah, but everyone's mean to small penises and short people.
Yeah, but everyone's mean to small penises and short people.
You're nice to short guys?
You're nice to short guys?
And you're nice to men with small weewees?
And you're nice to men with small weewees?
Oh my goodness. It's hard to know. Your true colors have come out.
Oh my goodness. It's hard to know. Your true colors have come out.
Okay, that's good. Because I feel like they deserve that respect.
Okay, that's good. Because I feel like they deserve that respect.
Let me see here. How about this one? I think ranch can kind of go with everything.
Let me see here. How about this one? I think ranch can kind of go with everything.
I love ranch.
I love ranch.
Yeah, that's nice. I feel like a lot of restaurants don't have ranch.
Yeah, that's nice. I feel like a lot of restaurants don't have ranch.
I don't know if it's better than mayo.
I don't know if it's better than mayo.
Because I like dipping my fries in mayo and then a little bit of ketchup.
Because I like dipping my fries in mayo and then a little bit of ketchup.
That is a very Parisian, but I thought they're mustard dippers.
That is a very Parisian, but I thought they're mustard dippers.
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
No, that's in Germany.
No, that's in Germany.
They eat French fries with mustard.
They eat French fries with mustard.
I mean, no, I don't know if that's actually true. Well, I don't know if that's actually true. Anything as a dating app?
I mean, no, I don't know if that's actually true. Well, I don't know if that's actually true. Anything as a dating app?
Of course. Yeah. LinkedIn?
Of course. Yeah. LinkedIn?
Is this something more? And she was like, I actually think it is. And then they slept together.
Is this something more? And she was like, I actually think it is. And then they slept together.
I know.
I know.
I know. I think it's awesome.
I know. I think it's awesome.
I think it's awesome. What's that?
I think it's awesome. What's that?
No, it was an informational interview. But I think the informational interview was an excuse to go on a coffee date, which I think it's a little creepy.
No, it was an informational interview. But I think the informational interview was an excuse to go on a coffee date, which I think it's a little creepy.
Okay, last one. If somebody's not willing to take a train, cab, bus to your borough, they're just not that into you.
Okay, last one. If somebody's not willing to take a train, cab, bus to your borough, they're just not that into you.
That's easy peasy, right?
That's easy peasy, right?
Love transcends all trains.
Love transcends all trains.
Love transcends all boroughs.
Love transcends all boroughs.
Beautiful. Well, feel better. Yeah.
Beautiful. Well, feel better. Yeah.
Thank you for coming on the show, even though you had a wicked cough.
Thank you for coming on the show, even though you had a wicked cough.
It's not a big deal, I don't think. Rachel, where can people find you?
It's not a big deal, I don't think. Rachel, where can people find you?
Find her on the streets. Go see her do stand up whenever the fuck it is. Follow her on Instagram. That's where you'll see flyers for shows. Rachel Koster, thank you so much for coming on the show. And you, you know, good luck with those surfaces.
Find her on the streets. Go see her do stand up whenever the fuck it is. Follow her on Instagram. That's where you'll see flyers for shows. Rachel Koster, thank you so much for coming on the show. And you, you know, good luck with those surfaces.
Oh, that's the sign off?
Oh, that's the sign off?
Well, we can leave this part in the podcast and I'll say, Rachel, it's been great having you on the show.
Well, we can leave this part in the podcast and I'll say, Rachel, it's been great having you on the show.
Great. Now we have a new ending to the episode.
Great. Now we have a new ending to the episode.
adobe create or whatever um is that what is that the app that you use under i mean that is one of the challenges of phone is is signing documents unless it's a docusign docusign makes it easy this is not sponsored by docusign but when i get a lot of docusigns and it just you just press a button and it automatically adds your signature
adobe create or whatever um is that what is that the app that you use under i mean that is one of the challenges of phone is is signing documents unless it's a docusign docusign makes it easy this is not sponsored by docusign but when i get a lot of docusigns and it just you just press a button and it automatically adds your signature
Especially when it's loose. Yes. Like the loose PDF.
Especially when it's loose. Yes. Like the loose PDF.
What is executive dysfunction? That's a new term.
What is executive dysfunction? That's a new term.
Wow, it's a real thing.
Wow, it's a real thing.
the group chat. I think the group chat is where memes are farmed and created. You know, I wake up in the morning at 6 a.m. I've got memes loaded into several of my group chats. And I know it's going to be a great day. So I disagree with her on that. But we'll hear why she, you know, wants to change that.
the group chat. I think the group chat is where memes are farmed and created. You know, I wake up in the morning at 6 a.m. I've got memes loaded into several of my group chats. And I know it's going to be a great day. So I disagree with her on that. But we'll hear why she, you know, wants to change that.
So it's a real thing. I'm looking it up on the internet right now. It's a literal disorder. It's like a disorder.
So it's a real thing. I'm looking it up on the internet right now. It's a literal disorder. It's like a disorder.
I'm a task master. I fucking love, I am a lover of tasks.
I'm a task master. I fucking love, I am a lover of tasks.
That's not true, but it is very kind.
That's not true, but it is very kind.
But don't you think it feels so good to complete a task?
But don't you think it feels so good to complete a task?
There's like a method. I have a methodology. Yeah, I used to be on that because I also have some forms of whatever. What are they called? Neurological diseases? Something like that. I have some sort of bad thing and I have ADHD and I got prescribed and I did Adderall and it worked and it worked really well and it made me a taskmaster.
There's like a method. I have a methodology. Yeah, I used to be on that because I also have some forms of whatever. What are they called? Neurological diseases? Something like that. I have some sort of bad thing and I have ADHD and I got prescribed and I did Adderall and it worked and it worked really well and it made me a taskmaster.
But then I got off it and I continued to be a taskmaster because what happens is I get a hit of dopamine. Especially the executive stuff, the executive functions. For me, I have a list and it's like, drop this off at the post office. And it feels so fucking good. And I reward myself with a martini after I do it. One little task, martini. Another little task, little donut.
But then I got off it and I continued to be a taskmaster because what happens is I get a hit of dopamine. Especially the executive stuff, the executive functions. For me, I have a list and it's like, drop this off at the post office. And it feels so fucking good. And I reward myself with a martini after I do it. One little task, martini. Another little task, little donut.
Another little task, matcha latte. So I end up spending a lot of money, but my tasks are complete.
Another little task, matcha latte. So I end up spending a lot of money, but my tasks are complete.
Do you have a to-do list? No to-do list.
Do you have a to-do list? No to-do list.
You need one note. You need a master note.
You need one note. You need a master note.
Is there a cure?
Is there a cure?
We also talk about vanish mode, which is a phrase that I've coined on this podcast right now and maybe will become the name of my production company. We talk about executive dysfunction, something I wasn't aware of before. It's not erectile dysfunction, but it does function as a way to erectile dysfunction. We talk about West Village Girlies. I'm pro-West Village Girlie.
We also talk about vanish mode, which is a phrase that I've coined on this podcast right now and maybe will become the name of my production company. We talk about executive dysfunction, something I wasn't aware of before. It's not erectile dysfunction, but it does function as a way to erectile dysfunction. We talk about West Village Girlies. I'm pro-West Village Girlie.
Well, Connecticut is like the Switzerland of the East Coast.
Well, Connecticut is like the Switzerland of the East Coast.
Oh, my God. If I would have been to boarding school, I would have also probably been really thin.
Oh, my God. If I would have been to boarding school, I would have also probably been really thin.
Oh, that's, that's interesting. I don't like when they do drugs when they're young.
Oh, that's, that's interesting. I don't like when they do drugs when they're young.
I feel like those are bad on your own.
I feel like those are bad on your own.
That's when you were doing lines and now you do, now you do probably do a little toot in there. I call them toots.
That's when you were doing lines and now you do, now you do probably do a little toot in there. I call them toots.
It's British.
It's British.
Let me get a little toot. And so you moved out. How many roommates did you used to have?
Let me get a little toot. And so you moved out. How many roommates did you used to have?
That's great. That's nice.
That's great. That's nice.
You know, they used to call those efficiencies.
You know, they used to call those efficiencies.
Exactly. But do you have an in-unit washer and dryer?
Exactly. But do you have an in-unit washer and dryer?
Yeah, you have to graduate to that.
Yeah, you have to graduate to that.
There's a pro to that. That is one less surface. When I was younger, I used to limit that amount of surfaces in my homes. No coffee table, no side tables. The only surface I had was a counter because then I knew that I wouldn't collect clutter.
There's a pro to that. That is one less surface. When I was younger, I used to limit that amount of surfaces in my homes. No coffee table, no side tables. The only surface I had was a counter because then I knew that I wouldn't collect clutter.
I don't know if you guys are. We talk about group chat dynamics, our boy Zach Schiffman, herniated discs, and cooking. So stay tuned. Listen to the whole episode. It's a good time. Here we go. I'm putting on my favorite radio voice. Does it sound like... I think it sounds like a radio voice. I have a very, very funny and apparently a Luddite of a guest. She's a stand-up comedian.
I don't know if you guys are. We talk about group chat dynamics, our boy Zach Schiffman, herniated discs, and cooking. So stay tuned. Listen to the whole episode. It's a good time. Here we go. I'm putting on my favorite radio voice. Does it sound like... I think it sounds like a radio voice. I have a very, very funny and apparently a Luddite of a guest. She's a stand-up comedian.
You're in your Carrie Bradshaw era.
You're in your Carrie Bradshaw era.
I'm assuming you live in Brooklyn.
I'm assuming you live in Brooklyn.
You're not a West Village girlie.
You're not a West Village girlie.
Why don't you just start that?
Why don't you just start that?
You're just walking down the street and all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in this group now?
You're just walking down the street and all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in this group now?
Oh my goodness. This has never happened to me.
Oh my goodness. This has never happened to me.
Oh, okay. I should win an award for that. Wait, I'm supportive of the West Village Grill. I don't know what other people's takes are. I read the article. I didn't read anyone's takes. I don't know the comments. I don't know what the discourse is. But I'm proud of them for being themselves even if themselves are the same.
Oh, okay. I should win an award for that. Wait, I'm supportive of the West Village Grill. I don't know what other people's takes are. I read the article. I didn't read anyone's takes. I don't know the comments. I don't know what the discourse is. But I'm proud of them for being themselves even if themselves are the same.
They're so happy.
They're so happy.
Because you're a comedian.
Because you're a comedian.
So what's your take? My take is, it has to do with restaurants. Waiters and restaurants. At some point in the modern era, I feel like waiters started to get trained by corporate consultants. And they started to say this one phrase that I find disgusting. And they say it. What is it? It's mostly kind of corporate restaurants that do it.
So what's your take? My take is, it has to do with restaurants. Waiters and restaurants. At some point in the modern era, I feel like waiters started to get trained by corporate consultants. And they started to say this one phrase that I find disgusting. And they say it. What is it? It's mostly kind of corporate restaurants that do it.
Oh, he sounds like a really good guy.
Oh, he sounds like a really good guy.
That's super nice. Can I ask you a question? Who do you think corrected him? Do you think he caught it later? He saw the show. He was like, oh, wait. Went to the Instagram page. He was like, oh, when's the episode going to go live? And he checked it. He was like, oh, shit. It says Subway Takes with Kareem Rama. I've been calling him sharing.
That's super nice. Can I ask you a question? Who do you think corrected him? Do you think he caught it later? He saw the show. He was like, oh, wait. Went to the Instagram page. He was like, oh, when's the episode going to go live? And he checked it. He was like, oh, shit. It says Subway Takes with Kareem Rama. I've been calling him sharing.
He's not doing bits with you is what you're saying.
He's not doing bits with you is what you're saying.
He was like you. Was he asking you? I'm not that serious. I guess I'm sort of serious. You're pretty serious.
He was like you. Was he asking you? I'm not that serious. I guess I'm sort of serious. You're pretty serious.
no no i like a respectful wise ass what else you got what else what other takes do you have the other take i had was similar to food which is that in movies or commercials i really do not like to see people eat at all i don't want to see like those carl jr commercials where like the hot girls like biting into a cheeseburger things are dripping out of it it's like
no no i like a respectful wise ass what else you got what else what other takes do you have the other take i had was similar to food which is that in movies or commercials i really do not like to see people eat at all i don't want to see like those carl jr commercials where like the hot girls like biting into a cheeseburger things are dripping out of it it's like
Right, right. You're like, I don't want to be the guy that's just a Subway guy.
Right, right. You're like, I don't want to be the guy that's just a Subway guy.
Yeah, you're like the second most famous Subway guy after Jared. Who's Jared? Jared, footlong Jared. Jared, I lost half my bodice and now I have big pants.
Yeah, you're like the second most famous Subway guy after Jared. Who's Jared? Jared, footlong Jared. Jared, I lost half my bodice and now I have big pants.
No, I mean, that's... I do think he's... Like, you brought up...
No, I mean, that's... I do think he's... Like, you brought up...
I did, yeah. I guess he's probably still in jail. Anyways.
I did, yeah. I guess he's probably still in jail. Anyways.
Because they were just like, oh, this is trash food or it was like fast food.
Because they were just like, oh, this is trash food or it was like fast food.
no no they were like it's a sandwich like we have sandwiches at home we have sandwiches at home yeah yeah but they don't have all the I mean who doesn't have lettuce yeah but you don't have all the other special things like oh do you want the jalapenos oh do you want the olives you don't have like 20 options for like additional flavorings at home you don't have that at home no one has that at home
no no they were like it's a sandwich like we have sandwiches at home we have sandwiches at home yeah yeah but they don't have all the I mean who doesn't have lettuce yeah but you don't have all the other special things like oh do you want the jalapenos oh do you want the olives you don't have like 20 options for like additional flavorings at home you don't have that at home no one has that at home
I mean, I've honey mustard at home, but I don't have like twenty different toppings. That's crazy.
I mean, I've honey mustard at home, but I don't have like twenty different toppings. That's crazy.
I don't know, man. There's probably like a three or four in the rotation. There's three or four. I literally just ate Jimmy John's this past weekend, which is crazy in Albany.
I don't know, man. There's probably like a three or four in the rotation. There's three or four. I literally just ate Jimmy John's this past weekend, which is crazy in Albany.
No, I'm not. I'm a Vito. I'm a Vito, actually.
No, I'm not. I'm a Vito. I'm a Vito, actually.
Vito is more of like an Italian kind of sub situation.
Vito is more of like an Italian kind of sub situation.
I'm not walking around with like oil and vinegar in the crib. Not in the way that they do it.
I'm not walking around with like oil and vinegar in the crib. Not in the way that they do it.
There's a lot of work to leave the house to have to go get that stuff and bring it home. There's a lot of work.
There's a lot of work to leave the house to have to go get that stuff and bring it home. There's a lot of work.
Do you feel like that was a good life lesson? It's not a very abundance mindset. It's a very scarcity mindset. My dad's mindset or mine? Well, his, where he's like, oh, you got to load up. It's like, what if you don't want shrimp?
Do you feel like that was a good life lesson? It's not a very abundance mindset. It's a very scarcity mindset. My dad's mindset or mine? Well, his, where he's like, oh, you got to load up. It's like, what if you don't want shrimp?
Look, my theory is that the Sifu Tower is the adult man's ordering bottle service at the club. Because everyone sees it come out. The Balthazar is so big. There should be sparklers. Girls can't bring it out. People should be clapping. Holding a sign, maybe. That is very good. It's like, oh my God, I spent $500 on seafood.
Look, my theory is that the Sifu Tower is the adult man's ordering bottle service at the club. Because everyone sees it come out. The Balthazar is so big. There should be sparklers. Girls can't bring it out. People should be clapping. Holding a sign, maybe. That is very good. It's like, oh my God, I spent $500 on seafood.
riley repelling i'm gonna 100 disagree with that really i like when i see people eat that's awful and that thing they do in all those cooking shows like i don't want to know no that's so you don't watch any cooking shows on tv no i mean cooking and then i like i literally like on those commercials come on i'll put my hand over the tv so i don't have to see the food going in the mouth whoa i know it's a weird thing what bothers you the most the mouth
riley repelling i'm gonna 100 disagree with that really i like when i see people eat that's awful and that thing they do in all those cooking shows like i don't want to know no that's so you don't watch any cooking shows on tv no i mean cooking and then i like i literally like on those commercials come on i'll put my hand over the tv so i don't have to see the food going in the mouth whoa i know it's a weird thing what bothers you the most the mouth
Yeah. I've seen you, I've seen you not actually go out of your way to not even touch it.
Yeah. I've seen you, I've seen you not actually go out of your way to not even touch it.
you have yeah i have like when we get the balthazar you like you're like oh i'm good like i don't even want to like figure out how to divvy this up you guys can have more than your portion of clams or of every of clams like i i know actually it's funny because we've done this so many times i actually know what you dig into and i know the stuff that you avoid i'm like oh shit like cream doesn't really like the clams like this is a textural thing i don't know but do you eat the clams i do yeah i do i mean i think the clams are probably the the not the crowd favorite right
you have yeah i have like when we get the balthazar you like you're like oh i'm good like i don't even want to like figure out how to divvy this up you guys can have more than your portion of clams or of every of clams like i i know actually it's funny because we've done this so many times i actually know what you dig into and i know the stuff that you avoid i'm like oh shit like cream doesn't really like the clams like this is a textural thing i don't know but do you eat the clams i do yeah i do i mean i think the clams are probably the the not the crowd favorite right
They're going to judge me that I'm not rolling deep.
They're going to judge me that I'm not rolling deep.
It is.
It is.
Right. So she didn't view it as the flex that you hoped. You were looking for a validation, basically. Yeah.
Right. So she didn't view it as the flex that you hoped. You were looking for a validation, basically. Yeah.
So basically, everyone in your family thinks you're tacky. All right, go on.
So basically, everyone in your family thinks you're tacky. All right, go on.
Well, to be fair, you're picking up the entire tab, right? So you're not even divvying up. That's how well you're doing.
Well, to be fair, you're picking up the entire tab, right? So you're not even divvying up. That's how well you're doing.
Yeah, when you just can pick up tabs and you don't even worry about how things are going to do. Well, bottom line is this, by the way. If you're doing really well, you're not even splitting the tab. You're just picking up the tab. You're not even trying to figure out.
Yeah, when you just can pick up tabs and you don't even worry about how things are going to do. Well, bottom line is this, by the way. If you're doing really well, you're not even splitting the tab. You're just picking up the tab. You're not even trying to figure out.
It's just something about like, there's something disgusting about it. I don't know. It's also too intimate. You should do it in private. Yeah, well, you wouldn't stare in someone's mouth while they're eating at a table, right? How's everything tasting?
It's just something about like, there's something disgusting about it. I don't know. It's also too intimate. You should do it in private. Yeah, well, you wouldn't stare in someone's mouth while they're eating at a table, right? How's everything tasting?
they pick up the whole tab yeah they pick up the whole thing no questions asked no they're just like not and this is a casual no special occasion no nothing nothing celebrating they're just like oh i got this i'm like okay but why are they doing that i don't know just because they're like it's faster just to get out of the restaurant or they just want to be generous i actually have no idea i've never asked
they pick up the whole tab yeah they pick up the whole thing no questions asked no they're just like not and this is a casual no special occasion no nothing nothing celebrating they're just like oh i got this i'm like okay but why are they doing that i don't know just because they're like it's faster just to get out of the restaurant or they just want to be generous i actually have no idea i've never asked
Yeah, of course. Well, that's just a way. If you didn't, that would make you uncivilized. A loser. Yeah. It would make you a loser. On the $4.50 takeout order, though, do you tip on that? Yeah, there's tip. But you're not tipping 20% on that, are you?
Yeah, of course. Well, that's just a way. If you didn't, that would make you uncivilized. A loser. Yeah. It would make you a loser. On the $4.50 takeout order, though, do you tip on that? Yeah, there's tip. But you're not tipping 20% on that, are you?
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah. When you got home, did you put it... Because I'm going to ask you this because it's a nice order you got. Do you put that on plates? and serve it up and display it so it's like a meal at home? Or are you just like, fuck it, I'm going to eat out of the container like an absolute savage? What do you do?
Yeah. When you got home, did you put it... Because I'm going to ask you this because it's a nice order you got. Do you put that on plates? and serve it up and display it so it's like a meal at home? Or are you just like, fuck it, I'm going to eat out of the container like an absolute savage? What do you do?
Oh, you door dashed this. I thought you went and picked it up yourself.
Oh, you door dashed this. I thought you went and picked it up yourself.
Yeah, what happened? You came back a few days early. I was actually very surprised by that.
Yeah, what happened? You came back a few days early. I was actually very surprised by that.
That's the gripe for you is, yeah, no matter where you are in Miami, I guess you got to shell out. But the problem is everything is expensive. But if you go someplace else, it's just going to be boring. The people are going to, I guess, even worse. I don't know. Like, where is there good weather in the U.S. that the people aren't terrible? Virginia Beach. I've never been there.
That's the gripe for you is, yeah, no matter where you are in Miami, I guess you got to shell out. But the problem is everything is expensive. But if you go someplace else, it's just going to be boring. The people are going to, I guess, even worse. I don't know. Like, where is there good weather in the U.S. that the people aren't terrible? Virginia Beach. I've never been there.
I can't really comment. I've never been there. West Palm Beach. I've never been there. I've never been there either. I mean, you're still in Florida, right? It's kind of going to be the same vibe. Yeah, but Florida's tight. I guess. Florida's from there. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm going to the Caribbean in a couple days, so I'm excited for that. What are you going to do? Just chill, man.
I can't really comment. I've never been there. West Palm Beach. I've never been there. I've never been there either. I mean, you're still in Florida, right? It's kind of going to be the same vibe. Yeah, but Florida's tight. I guess. Florida's from there. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm going to the Caribbean in a couple days, so I'm excited for that. What are you going to do? Just chill, man.
chill vibe sounds boring so that's exactly that's what i'm looking for man there's where i'm going there's literally only two restaurants one does breakfast and dinner and the other one does lunch and that's it i'm gonna do that for four straight days same places same places i don't know i'm not where are you going i'm going to wait is it a resort no it's like a thing
chill vibe sounds boring so that's exactly that's what i'm looking for man there's where i'm going there's literally only two restaurants one does breakfast and dinner and the other one does lunch and that's it i'm gonna do that for four straight days same places same places i don't know i'm not where are you going i'm going to wait is it a resort no it's like a thing
Because it's kind of chill, man. I'm not going to lie.
Because it's kind of chill, man. I'm not going to lie.
I would go there. It's my kind of place. It's funny you say that. I was just talking to my dad on the phone. I was like, I'm going to Turks and Caicos. And then five minutes later he goes, wait, where did you say you're going? You're going to Turkey? I was like, no, dog. I'm not going to Turkey, man. I mean, he's right. He is right. He's always right. That's what I've learned in my old age.
I would go there. It's my kind of place. It's funny you say that. I was just talking to my dad on the phone. I was like, I'm going to Turks and Caicos. And then five minutes later he goes, wait, where did you say you're going? You're going to Turkey? I was like, no, dog. I'm not going to Turkey, man. I mean, he's right. He is right. He's always right. That's what I've learned in my old age.
Well, as a kid, I was kind of terrified of them, because my mom would be like, get your hand away from there, your coat will get caught, and then you'll be shredded.
Well, as a kid, I was kind of terrified of them, because my mom would be like, get your hand away from there, your coat will get caught, and then you'll be shredded.
Yeah, I did know that.
Yeah, I did know that.
The specific island I'm going to is South Caicos.
The specific island I'm going to is South Caicos.
Well, that'll be fun. That'll be fun. Are you bringing the child? Nah, it's just me and the lady. A little babymoon action. That's nice. Hopefully we don't have to come back early the way you guys did. Apparently, you guys come back early on a lot of trips is what I realized. Do we? Yeah, I don't know. You guys came back early from Cuba, came back early from Florida.
Well, that'll be fun. That'll be fun. Are you bringing the child? Nah, it's just me and the lady. A little babymoon action. That's nice. Hopefully we don't have to come back early the way you guys did. Apparently, you guys come back early on a lot of trips is what I realized. Do we? Yeah, I don't know. You guys came back early from Cuba, came back early from Florida.
That makes sense. No child left behind unless you're Kareem's daughter.
That makes sense. No child left behind unless you're Kareem's daughter.
Podcasts won't be around when she's 21. What's going to happen when she turns 21? What are they going to be listening to? Some fucking new shit. Oh, that sounds exciting.
Podcasts won't be around when she's 21. What's going to happen when she turns 21? What are they going to be listening to? Some fucking new shit. Oh, that sounds exciting.
Potentially. I mean, look, are we all getting to the point where content is just going to be zapped into your brain and there's no listening, there's no headphones, there's no screens, maybe? Who knows? Exactly. That's kind of dystopian, though. I don't want to think about that.
Potentially. I mean, look, are we all getting to the point where content is just going to be zapped into your brain and there's no listening, there's no headphones, there's no screens, maybe? Who knows? Exactly. That's kind of dystopian, though. I don't want to think about that.
don't know i don't know that's what i'm gonna sound like when i'm 150 they're like oh man fucking kareem's washed and old i'm gonna be 150 well that sounds uh dude i don't want to live that long man you actually want that i don't want that I don't want that.
don't know i don't know that's what i'm gonna sound like when i'm 150 they're like oh man fucking kareem's washed and old i'm gonna be 150 well that sounds uh dude i don't want to live that long man you actually want that i don't want that I don't want that.
Yeah, it seems possible.
Yeah, it seems possible.
Yeah, that was exciting. I think it's good. Yeah, dude, what's his face? He really cleaned up. He won everything. Sean Baker. Yeah, he literally won everything.
Yeah, that was exciting. I think it's good. Yeah, dude, what's his face? He really cleaned up. He won everything. Sean Baker. Yeah, he literally won everything.
wasn't it best original screenplay too did he also write it direct best writer best director best editor and then the last thing is um I don't know it doesn't say here
wasn't it best original screenplay too did he also write it direct best writer best director best editor and then the last thing is um I don't know it doesn't say here
I've seen a couple of little kids get pretty close to wiping out. But there's no room to suck you into the gears, right? They would just kind of like slowly churn you at the top. Here. Is this the right way? I don't know if we went the right way. Oh, we got to go back downstairs. We got to go back downstairs. So have you ever eaten in a movie? No, that's another thing I find...
I've seen a couple of little kids get pretty close to wiping out. But there's no room to suck you into the gears, right? They would just kind of like slowly churn you at the top. Here. Is this the right way? I don't know if we went the right way. Oh, we got to go back downstairs. We got to go back downstairs. So have you ever eaten in a movie? No, that's another thing I find...
By the way, to get best editor on top of that, that's the one that's so impressive. Editing is sick. It's so hard. He's like Anthony.
By the way, to get best editor on top of that, that's the one that's so impressive. Editing is sick. It's so hard. He's like Anthony.
I'm sure. It's a big win for indie cinema. It is a big win. That's what everyone says. Everyone's going to start a production company.
I'm sure. It's a big win for indie cinema. It is a big win. That's what everyone says. Everyone's going to start a production company.
I'll be honest, I actually didn't watch it. Did you watch the Oscars? I watched a number of hours. Including like the red carpet stuff or just the ceremony?
I'll be honest, I actually didn't watch it. Did you watch the Oscars? I watched a number of hours. Including like the red carpet stuff or just the ceremony?
Who do you think was dressed the most swaggy?
Who do you think was dressed the most swaggy?
But it's like, they come up to the table after they serve you food, you start to eat. And then they go, how's everything tasting? Yeah. 100% agree. Right?
But it's like, they come up to the table after they serve you food, you start to eat. And then they go, how's everything tasting? Yeah. 100% agree. Right?
You kind of bullied me into doing it. I mean, you needed it. Yeah, yeah. You needed it. Yeah, also it's funny. We were talking about it. I guess people don't know who I am, but I'm Andrew.
You kind of bullied me into doing it. I mean, you needed it. Yeah, yeah. You needed it. Yeah, also it's funny. We were talking about it. I guess people don't know who I am, but I'm Andrew.
And me and Karim created this show called Subway Takes. And it makes sense now, I guess, to have an Instagram handle for that very reason. Right? That's the only reason why. I've got seven followers, which I think is pretty big. I mean, you're a producer. I'm a producer. I should probably get a picture. Maybe I'll get a picture. Should I put my picture on there?
And me and Karim created this show called Subway Takes. And it makes sense now, I guess, to have an Instagram handle for that very reason. Right? That's the only reason why. I've got seven followers, which I think is pretty big. I mean, you're a producer. I'm a producer. I should probably get a picture. Maybe I'll get a picture. Should I put my picture on there?
Oh, just the avatar? The gray avatar? Yeah. That's not bad.
Oh, just the avatar? The gray avatar? Yeah. That's not bad.
I do have a picture of my desk, but I don't have a picture of myself. Oh, no, no, no.
I do have a picture of my desk, but I don't have a picture of myself. Oh, no, no, no.
How many followers do you think I can get in a month? I think a lot. How does that work? You're the mastermind behind this operation. How do I get more followers?
How many followers do you think I can get in a month? I think a lot. How does that work? You're the mastermind behind this operation. How do I get more followers?
By the way, how long have we been recording for? We're trying to get this to... Oh, we're done. Are we done? We're more than done. It's 28 minutes. Okay, and so the John C. Reilly episode is like 12? That's not... How many minutes do you want? I think podcasts are 40 minutes or something. So that would be around 40 minutes. We got it. Is there anything else we want to add? I don't think so.
By the way, how long have we been recording for? We're trying to get this to... Oh, we're done. Are we done? We're more than done. It's 28 minutes. Okay, and so the John C. Reilly episode is like 12? That's not... How many minutes do you want? I think podcasts are 40 minutes or something. So that would be around 40 minutes. We got it. Is there anything else we want to add? I don't think so.
I'm kind of bummed to be missing out on the shoots this week, actually. We have good shoots coming up. Really good shoots. And I really want to see what this sort of new format of Subway Takes Uncut looks like.
I'm kind of bummed to be missing out on the shoots this week, actually. We have good shoots coming up. Really good shoots. And I really want to see what this sort of new format of Subway Takes Uncut looks like.
No, that's what I'm excited about. I want to see it when the magic happens. And I'm only going to be able to see it in the post.
No, that's what I'm excited about. I want to see it when the magic happens. And I'm only going to be able to see it in the post.
Am I? I'm not trying to. How much closer do I need to get to this microphone?
Am I? I'm not trying to. How much closer do I need to get to this microphone?
This feels so aggressive. It's so close to my face.
This feels so aggressive. It's so close to my face.
Yeah, but that... Is that comfortable for 30 minutes to be completely stationary like this?
Yeah, but that... Is that comfortable for 30 minutes to be completely stationary like this?
I mean, I tried it. You mean like when you're watching a movie at the theater?
I mean, I tried it. You mean like when you're watching a movie at the theater?
Yeah. I think you have a better setup than me. I just have this like lonely stand and you've got like this crazy dynamic.
Yeah. I think you have a better setup than me. I just have this like lonely stand and you've got like this crazy dynamic.
So I just hold it like this.
So I just hold it like this.
I should have been doing this the whole time. Is this sound better?
I should have been doing this the whole time. Is this sound better?
Well, I'm glad we did get better equipment. This is so much better, I think, for the listener. Last week was rough.
Well, I'm glad we did get better equipment. This is so much better, I think, for the listener. Last week was rough.
Yeah. By the way, you remember when Dale was like, oh, I think the audio is corrupted. Can you guys figure out what happened with the file? And he's like, oh, wait, I looked at the video that came with the audio file and it's just because Kareem is recording the episode while he's laying on his bed crunched up. He's like, oh, wait, that's why the audio is terrible.
Yeah. By the way, you remember when Dale was like, oh, I think the audio is corrupted. Can you guys figure out what happened with the file? And he's like, oh, wait, I looked at the video that came with the audio file and it's just because Kareem is recording the episode while he's laying on his bed crunched up. He's like, oh, wait, that's why the audio is terrible.
All right. What's a call about?
All right. What's a call about?
Oh, right on.
Oh, right on.
And I feel bad. And you know what's even worse is watching people brush their teeth on camera. Okay, I don't like that at all. I hate it. I think that's disgusting. And some people really, some actors really relish it. Like they get into it like in their gums and shit. Like I just don't want to see that. I don't want to see that either. I see you're wearing this nice suit. Thank you.
And I feel bad. And you know what's even worse is watching people brush their teeth on camera. Okay, I don't like that at all. I hate it. I think that's disgusting. And some people really, some actors really relish it. Like they get into it like in their gums and shit. Like I just don't want to see that. I don't want to see that either. I see you're wearing this nice suit. Thank you.
Yeah, for sure. What's Amoletto, by the way?
Yeah, for sure. What's Amoletto, by the way?
Got it.
Got it.
And how long is the cut for... It's long. It's like 30 minutes. Oh, so you guys... It's like a real thing. Maybe 25 minutes. Okay.
And how long is the cut for... It's long. It's like 30 minutes. Oh, so you guys... It's like a real thing. Maybe 25 minutes. Okay.
Is Johnny happy with the outcome?
Is Johnny happy with the outcome?
Yeah, you're on the internet.
Yeah, you're on the internet.
Just hit you up.
Just hit you up.
You're going to be a really fun, famous person. Like when you're famous, famous.
You're going to be a really fun, famous person. Like when you're famous, famous.
Yeah, in a cool way. Because you'll be like a chill guy about it, I think.
Yeah, in a cool way. Because you'll be like a chill guy about it, I think.
Yeah, you're just going to pop up in places and you're just having fun all the time.
Yeah, you're just going to pop up in places and you're just having fun all the time.
You're going to be a Joe's Crab like every day.
You're going to be a Joe's Crab like every day.
Okay.
Okay.
See you.
See you.
I'm excited for it, man. Please don't email me. Don't text me. I won't. Don't CC me on anything.
I'm excited for it, man. Please don't email me. Don't text me. I won't. Don't CC me on anything.
Oh, I can't close the app after, right? That corrupts the whole thing?
Oh, I can't close the app after, right? That corrupts the whole thing?
Okay, just end and then it uploads or something. Wait, what button? Is it this button? Okay, bye.
Okay, just end and then it uploads or something. Wait, what button? Is it this button? Okay, bye.
What's up with that? Well, I have to do some other press appearances today, Shareem, so... And you decided... I would have worn something a little cooler for you. No, no, you look awesome. And what about the hat? Are you a hat guy? I am a hat man. You're a hat man? Yeah. A hat man. It's kind of an actor cliche to be into hats, but I am.
What's up with that? Well, I have to do some other press appearances today, Shareem, so... And you decided... I would have worn something a little cooler for you. No, no, you look awesome. And what about the hat? Are you a hat guy? I am a hat man. You're a hat man? Yeah. A hat man. It's kind of an actor cliche to be into hats, but I am.
I would rather be overdressed than underdressed. Yeah. And I think there's been kind of a thing that's happened somehow in the world. Like, if you look at photographs from, like, the 1940s, like, every man has a suit, a tie, and a hat on. And granted, maybe that was a little oppressive for them at the time. But now it's gone the other way.
I would rather be overdressed than underdressed. Yeah. And I think there's been kind of a thing that's happened somehow in the world. Like, if you look at photographs from, like, the 1940s, like, every man has a suit, a tie, and a hat on. And granted, maybe that was a little oppressive for them at the time. But now it's gone the other way.
Like, you get in an airplane, and, like, someone's literally in their pajamas.
Like, you get in an airplane, and, like, someone's literally in their pajamas.
I'm like, get out of my fucking mouth. This is an intimate space. I don't want you to ask about how things are tasting. How is everything? You like, how is everything? Yeah, it's fine. You like, how's everything going? Yeah, it's good to check in. Can I get you anything? Yeah. That's okay. Or even, you know, is everything good? But the other really annoying one is, how are the first bites? Oh.
I'm like, get out of my fucking mouth. This is an intimate space. I don't want you to ask about how things are tasting. How is everything? You like, how is everything? Yeah, it's fine. You like, how's everything going? Yeah, it's good to check in. Can I get you anything? Yeah. That's okay. Or even, you know, is everything good? But the other really annoying one is, how are the first bites? Oh.
Right?
Right?
You're in public. When I travel, you know what I wear?
You're in public. When I travel, you know what I wear?
there you go if I'm going to LA a jacket if I'm going to Rome you wore a suit today too I wear a suit everyday I think it's cool to wear a suit I like to wear a suit when I'm not going to work yeah and then people are like why are you wearing a suit I'm like I like it yeah cause you like you have self esteem you know listen I'm a feminist I'm a ride or die feminist that's good but the yoga pants have got to stop the yoga pants have got to go for yoga class great
there you go if I'm going to LA a jacket if I'm going to Rome you wore a suit today too I wear a suit everyday I think it's cool to wear a suit I like to wear a suit when I'm not going to work yeah and then people are like why are you wearing a suit I'm like I like it yeah cause you like you have self esteem you know listen I'm a feminist I'm a ride or die feminist that's good but the yoga pants have got to stop the yoga pants have got to go for yoga class great
But out on the street, I don't know. It just seems like it's an extension of the pajamas on the plane. I agree. I'm glad you're comfortable, but I don't know. Can't we all just make an effort a little bit?
But out on the street, I don't know. It just seems like it's an extension of the pajamas on the plane. I agree. I'm glad you're comfortable, but I don't know. Can't we all just make an effort a little bit?
Right, like a taxi driver in Rome is going to have a sweater vest. Yeah, a nice one. Or something, and a buttoned shirt underneath that. Tell me about the new show. Oh, my new show is called Mr. Romantic. It's a beautiful name. And it's kind of like my character from Chicago, the musical Mr. Cellophane. But it's all about...
Right, like a taxi driver in Rome is going to have a sweater vest. Yeah, a nice one. Or something, and a buttoned shirt underneath that. Tell me about the new show. Oh, my new show is called Mr. Romantic. It's a beautiful name. And it's kind of like my character from Chicago, the musical Mr. Cellophane. But it's all about...
I realized like the world needs more empathy and I decided it was going to start with me. And so I made this show called Mr. Romantic. He's like this mythical character comes out of a steamer trunk. And tries to fall in love with someone in the audience so that he doesn't have to go back into the steamer truck. Like a genie. Kind of like a genie, but like a genie desperate for love.
I realized like the world needs more empathy and I decided it was going to start with me. And so I made this show called Mr. Romantic. He's like this mythical character comes out of a steamer trunk. And tries to fall in love with someone in the audience so that he doesn't have to go back into the steamer truck. Like a genie. Kind of like a genie, but like a genie desperate for love.
That's beautiful. And it's been going great. I sing all these really romantic songs.
That's beautiful. And it's been going great. I sing all these really romantic songs.
How long have you been singing? Well, if you saw Chicago the Musical. I didn't. I didn't. Well, Oscar thought I was a pretty good singer. I was nominated for an Oscar for that movie.
How long have you been singing? Well, if you saw Chicago the Musical. I didn't. I didn't. Well, Oscar thought I was a pretty good singer. I was nominated for an Oscar for that movie.
You know, I have a really short shelf life for my own films. I watch them once, and then I'm done.
You know, I have a really short shelf life for my own films. I watch them once, and then I'm done.
One and done. No. Actually, they had a screening of that recently, and I watched it for charity with Will. So I've seen that one twice.
One and done. No. Actually, they had a screening of that recently, and I watched it for charity with Will. So I've seen that one twice.
And then in Step Brothers... I don't know how buff I am. Yeah, you're buff. In that movie, you're really buff. I'm gnarly in that one. Yeah, to me, comedy and drama are the same thing, really. It's just the circumstances of what you're doing change. If the circumstances are ridiculous and you're acting serious, then you're in a comedy. But what I do is pretty much the same.
And then in Step Brothers... I don't know how buff I am. Yeah, you're buff. In that movie, you're really buff. I'm gnarly in that one. Yeah, to me, comedy and drama are the same thing, really. It's just the circumstances of what you're doing change. If the circumstances are ridiculous and you're acting serious, then you're in a comedy. But what I do is pretty much the same.
I just try to go to that place of truth and honesty. The more you double down on truth and honesty for a ridiculous concept, the funnier it gets.
I just try to go to that place of truth and honesty. The more you double down on truth and honesty for a ridiculous concept, the funnier it gets.
You'd have to ask Steve that, but yeah.
You'd have to ask Steve that, but yeah.
I was an executive producer on that show, and I think it's one of my finest achievements.
I was an executive producer on that show, and I think it's one of my finest achievements.
Yeah, I guess Steve would probably like more friends. He just has Denny. But... But that's how you get in touch with Steve, actually. You have to fax Denny, and then Denny pages Steve. And it takes a long time. And then the doc shows up. He's kind of an elusive character, yeah. What's the last movie you saw? The last movie I saw was Anora. Great film. Yeah, I really loved it. Fantastic film.
Yeah, I guess Steve would probably like more friends. He just has Denny. But... But that's how you get in touch with Steve, actually. You have to fax Denny, and then Denny pages Steve. And it takes a long time. And then the doc shows up. He's kind of an elusive character, yeah. What's the last movie you saw? The last movie I saw was Anora. Great film. Yeah, I really loved it. Fantastic film.
What the hell is that? How are the first bites?
What the hell is that? How are the first bites?
Come on, you knew that Russian guy was going to let you down. Wait, which one? The party boy. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I mean, he seemed really sweet and genuine, and maybe he would have had the strength if the henchman didn't come for him. Oh, this is my stop. Well, this is your stop, too. I have one more hot take.
Come on, you knew that Russian guy was going to let you down. Wait, which one? The party boy. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I mean, he seemed really sweet and genuine, and maybe he would have had the strength if the henchman didn't come for him. Oh, this is my stop. Well, this is your stop, too. I have one more hot take.
I mean, hot takes is like another way of saying complaints. No, they don't have to. This is also a complaint, which is leaf blowers. They've become the bane of our existence. Leaf blowers. Leaf blowers. You like good old-fashioned rakes. People used to use rakes. It used to be much quieter.
I mean, hot takes is like another way of saying complaints. No, they don't have to. This is also a complaint, which is leaf blowers. They've become the bane of our existence. Leaf blowers. Leaf blowers. You like good old-fashioned rakes. People used to use rakes. It used to be much quieter.
And now there's this epidemic where you're not a good housekeeper unless you've got dudes outside using gas-powered... This I 100% agree with.
And now there's this epidemic where you're not a good housekeeper unless you've got dudes outside using gas-powered... This I 100% agree with.
That's the number one rule of parenting. Never wake a baby. Never wake a sleeping baby. Well, I'll let you go. I got to go. You got to go? I do too, yeah. Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
That's the number one rule of parenting. Never wake a baby. Never wake a sleeping baby. Well, I'll let you go. I got to go. You got to go? I do too, yeah. Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
Yeah, it's a hard labor job. Did I bring frazzled energy to the session? Is that what's happening?
Yeah, it's a hard labor job. Did I bring frazzled energy to the session? Is that what's happening?
And what's out of 10? I haven't had a chance to listen to it.
And what's out of 10? I haven't had a chance to listen to it.
Well, can I ask you, do you think Isabel actually exists or is it just like a thing, his muse? No, she's definitely real. She's definitely real.
Well, can I ask you, do you think Isabel actually exists or is it just like a thing, his muse? No, she's definitely real. She's definitely real.
Yeah, is it empowering? I guess it's sort of empowering, right? Just live your truth.
Yeah, is it empowering? I guess it's sort of empowering, right? Just live your truth.
Well, even if the restaurant wasn't about personality and vibe, at least you would have a personal connection with the person who was serving the food, right? They would have a genuine interaction with you. Like, look at you, see what's going on with you, and give some kind of organic response. Not a pre-programmed line... How's everything tasting?
Well, even if the restaurant wasn't about personality and vibe, at least you would have a personal connection with the person who was serving the food, right? They would have a genuine interaction with you. Like, look at you, see what's going on with you, and give some kind of organic response. Not a pre-programmed line... How's everything tasting?
No, yeah. Well, I mean, ladyboys is not the right term, obviously, right? In 2025, we're not, you can't say that.
No, yeah. Well, I mean, ladyboys is not the right term, obviously, right? In 2025, we're not, you can't say that.
Yeah, that feels specific to that culture, though. I think in, I don't know, in the post-Trump,
Yeah, that feels specific to that culture, though. I think in, I don't know, in the post-Trump,
How much closer do I need to get?
How much closer do I need to get?
Why do you think I have to move my bodice? Because the table doesn't get any closer than this. How's this?
Why do you think I have to move my bodice? Because the table doesn't get any closer than this. How's this?
This sure is the worst designed product. Should we start all over again? What's happening?
This sure is the worst designed product. Should we start all over again? What's happening?
Well, this is the new shit, and they put too much technology in it, and now it's hard to use.
Well, this is the new shit, and they put too much technology in it, and now it's hard to use.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't you think it's quite funny? I thought it was funny. I thought it was really funny when he kept on calling you Shereem.
Don't you think it's quite funny? I thought it was funny. I thought it was really funny when he kept on calling you Shereem.
Yeah. I've seen Kareem.
Yeah. I've seen Kareem.
I kind of think you look like a Shurim. That's fucked up. I mean, you could be a Shurim.
I kind of think you look like a Shurim. That's fucked up. I mean, you could be a Shurim.
I mean, our editor caught it and was like, oh, do you want to keep this in the episode?
I mean, our editor caught it and was like, oh, do you want to keep this in the episode?
And my son's like totally goof on me all the time now because we'll be having a great meal, you know, sitting at a restaurant and then the person will double back for the tasting and I'll go, my son's always like sort of cracking up. Those are good sons though. Those are good sons because they make fun of you. Exactly. Right?
And my son's like totally goof on me all the time now because we'll be having a great meal, you know, sitting at a restaurant and then the person will double back for the tasting and I'll go, my son's always like sort of cracking up. Those are good sons though. Those are good sons because they make fun of you. Exactly. Right?
I mean, have you been outside?
I mean, have you been outside?
Well, I forget that you live upstate, but if you've ever been outside in New York City, there is so many ways to die.
Well, I forget that you live upstate, but if you've ever been outside in New York City, there is so many ways to die.
And I think ever since I had the baby, I'm thinking about that. I wear a helmet now on my bike. I've ridden a bike in New York for 13 years. No helmet. Now I wear a helmet every time, even if it's just a city bike, which is rare. And if you think about it, you're walking down the street. At any moment, a fire escape could come unrusted because I'm pretty sure they're all rusted.
And I think ever since I had the baby, I'm thinking about that. I wear a helmet now on my bike. I've ridden a bike in New York for 13 years. No helmet. Now I wear a helmet every time, even if it's just a city bike, which is rare. And if you think about it, you're walking down the street. At any moment, a fire escape could come unrusted because I'm pretty sure they're all rusted.
Well, it's because Dale's last name is Eisenberg.
Well, it's because Dale's last name is Eisenberg.
No one ever uses fire escapes. But a fire escape could just fucking...
No one ever uses fire escapes. But a fire escape could just fucking...
slice you right down the head and the body cut you in half you know you step out you step onto the sidewalk all of a sudden there's a bike messenger that's delivering food just runs over your fucking body you know get hit by a semi-truck there's just so many ways to die in the city that i think final destination is just reminds you of all the creative ways that one can perish
slice you right down the head and the body cut you in half you know you step out you step onto the sidewalk all of a sudden there's a bike messenger that's delivering food just runs over your fucking body you know get hit by a semi-truck there's just so many ways to die in the city that i think final destination is just reminds you of all the creative ways that one can perish
by two college hungover idiots that are like, it's good enough. That's literally what there's... Every time I've ever installed a window air conditioner, I go, it's good enough. It'll hold. I cannot believe that the city functions like this. That there's not a city-wide window unit installing or inspection system Something. They gotta regulate that, dude. It should be regulated.
by two college hungover idiots that are like, it's good enough. That's literally what there's... Every time I've ever installed a window air conditioner, I go, it's good enough. It'll hold. I cannot believe that the city functions like this. That there's not a city-wide window unit installing or inspection system Something. They gotta regulate that, dude. It should be regulated.
I'm all for deregulation of government, but the fact that the window units in New York City are just slapped in by two hungover guys... is just beyond.
I'm all for deregulation of government, but the fact that the window units in New York City are just slapped in by two hungover guys... is just beyond.
Well, I added the entire Berg.
Well, I added the entire Berg.
It's Dale. It's Dale Isinger. But to me, that sounds like he should be a Jewish drummer, in my opinion.
It's Dale. It's Dale Isinger. But to me, that sounds like he should be a Jewish drummer, in my opinion.
you're like slam the window on there because you're like oh this will hold it this is fine it is insane to think that a city of eight million people everyone's just slapping their fucking ac units and no one knows how to hang a shelf no one knows how to replace a light bulb all of a sudden we're slapping fucking units in and it's insane to me and i think probably 90 of them have zero
you're like slam the window on there because you're like oh this will hold it this is fine it is insane to think that a city of eight million people everyone's just slapping their fucking ac units and no one knows how to hang a shelf no one knows how to replace a light bulb all of a sudden we're slapping fucking units in and it's insane to me and i think probably 90 of them have zero
I think 90% of them are a guy slamming down the window and going, that'll hold. That's fine. Or I'll do it next week.
I think 90% of them are a guy slamming down the window and going, that'll hold. That's fine. Or I'll do it next week.
And then summer goes by and then you take the unit out and you put it fucking under your sink or wherever you carry it. And then the next year, the same thing happens. There is a thing. They have a shelf. Have you ever seen that there's an arm? There's an arm. That is professionally installed. That's when someone says, I'm going to professionally install my window unit. So they get the arm.
And then summer goes by and then you take the unit out and you put it fucking under your sink or wherever you carry it. And then the next year, the same thing happens. There is a thing. They have a shelf. Have you ever seen that there's an arm? There's an arm. That is professionally installed. That's when someone says, I'm going to professionally install my window unit. So they get the arm.
Right now, I'm looking at a window unit. I kid you not. It's a window unit, and underneath it, I'm looking at it right now, is a piece of wood. Loose wood. There's a loose piece of wood right now. I'm looking at it.
Right now, I'm looking at a window unit. I kid you not. It's a window unit, and underneath it, I'm looking at it right now, is a piece of wood. Loose wood. There's a loose piece of wood right now. I'm looking at it.
In Chinatown, there's a loose piece of wood that is definitely also not bolted in, and that's holding it up because it's a big unit, and it would be tilting down, aka almost falling out of the fucking window, and it's being held up by a loose piece of wood. And I've seen them held up by books. I mean, I'm looking. There's one, two, three. four, five, six.
In Chinatown, there's a loose piece of wood that is definitely also not bolted in, and that's holding it up because it's a big unit, and it would be tilting down, aka almost falling out of the fucking window, and it's being held up by a loose piece of wood. And I've seen them held up by books. I mean, I'm looking. There's one, two, three. four, five, six.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I'm looking at six units right now and only two of them have an arm.
So I'm looking at six units right now and only two of them have an arm.
It was shocking to me when you told me you're not Jewish. I was shocked. And I think the rest of the band was shocked as well.
It was shocking to me when you told me you're not Jewish. I was shocked. And I think the rest of the band was shocked as well.
It'll hold. It'll hold. That's what everyone's saying. It'll hold. I mean, we have so many rules in this country and in the city. You can't even fucking park on the left side of the street on a Tuesday and but you're telling me I can throw... You can't have a party in an illegal venue, and you're telling me I can just throw a damn air conditioner in the window?
It'll hold. It'll hold. That's what everyone's saying. It'll hold. I mean, we have so many rules in this country and in the city. You can't even fucking park on the left side of the street on a Tuesday and but you're telling me I can throw... You can't have a party in an illegal venue, and you're telling me I can just throw a damn air conditioner in the window?
I cannot barely hang in a heavy painting.
I cannot barely hang in a heavy painting.
Officiando. Czar.
Officiando. Czar.
Remember that?
Remember that?
Right.
Right.
I think they did a very good job.
I think they did a very good job.
No, I don't see rat MFs as much anymore. Okay, well, perception. Little rat MFs? I mean, I think it is something that we should look at. In the words of Donald Trump, I think it's something we should look at.
No, I don't see rat MFs as much anymore. Okay, well, perception. Little rat MFs? I mean, I think it is something that we should look at. In the words of Donald Trump, I think it's something we should look at.
I think it should be looked at. We should look at it. The administration should look at it. Yeah, it'll hold. It'll hold. It'll hold. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Now sit down and listen closely because I got to talk to you about something serious. I got to talk to you about the stigma surrounding men's mental health and the strength that comes from maintaining a healthy mind.
I think it should be looked at. We should look at it. The administration should look at it. Yeah, it'll hold. It'll hold. It'll hold. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Now sit down and listen closely because I got to talk to you about something serious. I got to talk to you about the stigma surrounding men's mental health and the strength that comes from maintaining a healthy mind.
Men today face immense pressure to perform, to provide, and keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year and it's often undiagnosed. I'll go ahead and say it. It is hard to be a man because it's hard to be a human. It's hard to be a person, but it doesn't have to be that hard.
Men today face immense pressure to perform, to provide, and keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year and it's often undiagnosed. I'll go ahead and say it. It is hard to be a man because it's hard to be a human. It's hard to be a person, but it doesn't have to be that hard.
So you're literally Jewish. You are literally proving my point, bro. Your mom has to be Jewish. No, there was a mom in your family that was Jewish.
So you're literally Jewish. You are literally proving my point, bro. Your mom has to be Jewish. No, there was a mom in your family that was Jewish.
With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. Now as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. Now as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. I mean, I don't know. I'm a little upset. I mean, you know why scaffolding was created, right?
That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. I mean, I don't know. I'm a little upset. I mean, you know why scaffolding was created, right?
So scaffolding was created because a girl was walking and she got hit with a fucking pebble that fell off a very high building and it killed her. She's like a NYU student. And then now there was a law passed after this one white girl died. That's probably why she was white. This one white girl died. And then now every building needs scaffolding for a while so that they can inspect...
So scaffolding was created because a girl was walking and she got hit with a fucking pebble that fell off a very high building and it killed her. She's like a NYU student. And then now there was a law passed after this one white girl died. That's probably why she was white. This one white girl died. And then now every building needs scaffolding for a while so that they can inspect...
fucking building and make sure that no pebbles are going to fall and they do like little renovations tweaks and touch-ups and now there's a whole corrupt industry of scaffolding makers and that's why scaffolding is up so long because it's like a union type of it's they're all in cahoots man they're all in cahoots by the way dying from a pebble falling is definitely final destination that's a terrible way to die like that's not even like a page six worthy story it's just like oh fuck man yeah
fucking building and make sure that no pebbles are going to fall and they do like little renovations tweaks and touch-ups and now there's a whole corrupt industry of scaffolding makers and that's why scaffolding is up so long because it's like a union type of it's they're all in cahoots man they're all in cahoots by the way dying from a pebble falling is definitely final destination that's a terrible way to die like that's not even like a page six worthy story it's just like oh fuck man yeah
Exactly. Let me Google this right now. Scaffolding girl. Scaffolding NYC dead girl. Dead person.
Exactly. Let me Google this right now. Scaffolding girl. Scaffolding NYC dead girl. Dead person.
No, it happened a long time ago.
No, it happened a long time ago.
Is that about the girl?
Is that about the girl?
Oh, yeah, it is about. So, yeah, exactly. How a student's senseless death led to a New York behind scaffolding. It literally was one girl.
Oh, yeah, it is about. So, yeah, exactly. How a student's senseless death led to a New York behind scaffolding. It literally was one girl.
that just died a 1979 yep a terrible tragedy in 1979 that resulted in the death of a 17 year old college student walking in morningside heights and then that's what happened a little a tiny block of cement fell off a window and struck her in the head killing her
that just died a 1979 yep a terrible tragedy in 1979 that resulted in the death of a 17 year old college student walking in morningside heights and then that's what happened a little a tiny block of cement fell off a window and struck her in the head killing her
That's what scaffolding does. It prevents it from falling onto a person.
That's what scaffolding does. It prevents it from falling onto a person.
look, man, you're the one that wants to run. Fix it. I will.
look, man, you're the one that wants to run. Fix it. I will.
A Republican. You're a progressive Republican.
A Republican. You're a progressive Republican.
I've described myself as a socialist Republican.
I've described myself as a socialist Republican.
Let's run it. Let's run it. We don't have a guest today, so it's just going to be us fellas. But we do have some exciting news, which is that the Subway Takes Call-In hotline actually worked.
Let's run it. Let's run it. We don't have a guest today, so it's just going to be us fellas. But we do have some exciting news, which is that the Subway Takes Call-In hotline actually worked.
I believe in free healthcare, free childcare, and free college, but I also believe in capitalism, but not capitalism at the expense of people.
I believe in free healthcare, free childcare, and free college, but I also believe in capitalism, but not capitalism at the expense of people.
George W. Bush is not a compassionate conservative to the 7 million Iraqis he killed.
George W. Bush is not a compassionate conservative to the 7 million Iraqis he killed.
But no, there is something. It's a new wave. I think I'm the first one. But I agree with socialist ideas. And I agree with some Republican ideas. And I don't agree with any Democratic ideas.
But no, there is something. It's a new wave. I think I'm the first one. But I agree with socialist ideas. And I agree with some Republican ideas. And I don't agree with any Democratic ideas.
What's that called again?
What's that called again?
SocialistRepublicansForNYC.com, and it's literally me.
SocialistRepublicansForNYC.com, and it's literally me.
I literally, I think I could win on being, I think I could win on that, on a bit. I think I could win on a bit, which is actually a good idea, which is that why can't we have both? If you have the capitalism... that is fueling the socialism, that's great. And everybody has a higher quality of life.
I literally, I think I could win on being, I think I could win on that, on a bit. I think I could win on a bit, which is actually a good idea, which is that why can't we have both? If you have the capitalism... that is fueling the socialism, that's great. And everybody has a higher quality of life.
I think you could run my campaign.
I think you could run my campaign.
Yeah, yeah. So you actually genuinely wanted to know.
Yeah, yeah. So you actually genuinely wanted to know.
So the bachelor party was great. It was really fun. We were in Granby, like I mentioned. And the reason that I didn't like the idea initially is because I thought we were going to Denver. And I don't like cities like Denver. I think Denver is a waste of space. Colorado should just be Colorado. There should be no Denver inside of Colorado. It should just be all Colorado. Okay.
So the bachelor party was great. It was really fun. We were in Granby, like I mentioned. And the reason that I didn't like the idea initially is because I thought we were going to Denver. And I don't like cities like Denver. I think Denver is a waste of space. Colorado should just be Colorado. There should be no Denver inside of Colorado. It should just be all Colorado. Okay.
You know, the great outdoors. Like, stop trying to make a city...
You know, the great outdoors. Like, stop trying to make a city...
skip it like boulder's fine you know boulder's chill you can have a city like boulder but you don't need a metropolitan area metropolitan area um but yeah day one we hit the hot springs all sorts of different heats it was so nice because it's outside all of its outside is kind of like cooked into a little side of a mountain you know so it's like a little mountain there's all these wooden little planks there's all these baths uh super sulfury smelled like shit um
skip it like boulder's fine you know boulder's chill you can have a city like boulder but you don't need a metropolitan area metropolitan area um but yeah day one we hit the hot springs all sorts of different heats it was so nice because it's outside all of its outside is kind of like cooked into a little side of a mountain you know so it's like a little mountain there's all these wooden little planks there's all these baths uh super sulfury smelled like shit um
yeah but i actually i actually kind of like the smell um of your own farts yeah yeah it's like a big fart dude sometimes farts smell good i guess it depends what you're eating yeah sometimes i fart into my hand and i wait no you don't you absolutely you absolutely do not i don't do that i don't do that but the uh the hot springs was great and then the highlight of the trip is we went from hot springs to utp-ing
yeah but i actually i actually kind of like the smell um of your own farts yeah yeah it's like a big fart dude sometimes farts smell good i guess it depends what you're eating yeah sometimes i fart into my hand and i wait no you don't you absolutely you absolutely do not i don't do that i don't do that but the uh the hot springs was great and then the highlight of the trip is we went from hot springs to utp-ing
Okay. So we had these little fucking sick-ass cars that were like four-wheelers, but they were cars. So they had four seats in each one.
Okay. So we had these little fucking sick-ass cars that were like four-wheelers, but they were cars. So they had four seats in each one.
driving were you shotgun were you in the past like way out where was your placement within the car situation like well let's trust you behind the wheel no let's go back to final destination so originally bdn booked only two cars for eight guys he was like oh well i'll ride together he's gay so he doesn't understand he doesn't get it yeah i'm in a car i'm driving the car
driving were you shotgun were you in the past like way out where was your placement within the car situation like well let's trust you behind the wheel no let's go back to final destination so originally bdn booked only two cars for eight guys he was like oh well i'll ride together he's gay so he doesn't understand he doesn't get it yeah i'm in a car i'm driving the car
So he booked two cars for eight dudes. And I got there and I go, there's no way I'm putting my life into Levon or Blake or John's or BDN's hands. There's no fucking way. So I was like, I'm getting my own. I'll splurge and I get my own. But being typically Arab, I cut a deal. I was like, look, I'm going to rent another one, but I'm going to be the only person in it.
So he booked two cars for eight dudes. And I got there and I go, there's no way I'm putting my life into Levon or Blake or John's or BDN's hands. There's no fucking way. So I was like, I'm getting my own. I'll splurge and I get my own. But being typically Arab, I cut a deal. I was like, look, I'm going to rent another one, but I'm going to be the only person in it.
So technically, you should charge me less. And he did. He gave me 20% off.
So technically, you should charge me less. And he did. He gave me 20% off.
Oh, that's just racist. You're just being racist now.
Oh, that's just racist. You're just being racist now.
Well, here's a good point. Here's actually a funny thing is that there was three cars left. And John and Lev also were like our men, and they were like, we want our own cars as well. So I recruited them, so I got an even further discount. Nice. Because now we've rented five cars instead of two. And when it came down to it, he was like, well, I only have two of these Razors.
Well, here's a good point. Here's actually a funny thing is that there was three cars left. And John and Lev also were like our men, and they were like, we want our own cars as well. So I recruited them, so I got an even further discount. Nice. Because now we've rented five cars instead of two. And when it came down to it, he was like, well, I only have two of these Razors.
That's what they were called, Razors, Polaris Razors. They have 220 horsepower, which is insane. That is a lot of time. huge wheelbase like you can't really turn a corner without turning a really long big corner because you don't want them to tip over yeah he's like we have two of those and then we have one of these other ones which is a bit more luxurious but not as fast but not as fast Okay.
That's what they were called, Razors, Polaris Razors. They have 220 horsepower, which is insane. That is a lot of time. huge wheelbase like you can't really turn a corner without turning a really long big corner because you don't want them to tip over yeah he's like we have two of those and then we have one of these other ones which is a bit more luxurious but not as fast but not as fast Okay.
But it has a sound system. So by the way, I was kind of right. Yeah, you were right. So I said, I'll take the one with the fucking sound system. So I got the Lux one. I mean, it wasn't Lux. It was a little more comfortable of a ride. It had about 75% of the power as the other ones, but I had the sick fucking stereo and I was actually listening to my own songs.
But it has a sound system. So by the way, I was kind of right. Yeah, you were right. So I said, I'll take the one with the fucking sound system. So I got the Lux one. I mean, it wasn't Lux. It was a little more comfortable of a ride. It had about 75% of the power as the other ones, but I had the sick fucking stereo and I was actually listening to my own songs.
i sent dale a video of me listening to my own band in the in the fucking utv rushing through the desert and the mountains and it was sick um is this an aux cord or is this like a bluetooth situation it's bluetooth but none of the other cars none of none of the other cars had a radio i'm the only one that did but it was really fun because we had so we did have walkies which if you're if you're an adult man a walkie talkie is like amazing
i sent dale a video of me listening to my own band in the in the fucking utv rushing through the desert and the mountains and it was sick um is this an aux cord or is this like a bluetooth situation it's bluetooth but none of the other cars none of none of the other cars had a radio i'm the only one that did but it was really fun because we had so we did have walkies which if you're if you're an adult man a walkie talkie is like amazing
Well, I'm so upset by it that I've already thought about how we're going to change the number probably. There's just no way that I'm going to be a responsible holder of the voicemail inbox. But I'm just glad it got set up and that people are calling. For those of you that are just tuning in, last time on the episode, I worked my IT whiz kid skills, my Arab skills of being an IT person.
Well, I'm so upset by it that I've already thought about how we're going to change the number probably. There's just no way that I'm going to be a responsible holder of the voicemail inbox. But I'm just glad it got set up and that people are calling. For those of you that are just tuning in, last time on the episode, I worked my IT whiz kid skills, my Arab skills of being an IT person.
It was so much fun. We're all on the walkies. Me and John and Lev got separated from the rest of the gang because we were going 120 miles per hour. Those other pussies were going a little slower.
It was so much fun. We're all on the walkies. Me and John and Lev got separated from the rest of the gang because we were going 120 miles per hour. Those other pussies were going a little slower.
Blake didn't even drive.
Blake didn't even drive.
No, no. He was passenger because the last time we did this, which was a different... No, it wasn't even a bachelor party. We just all happened to be... Oh, no. It was a birthday party. We were in Palm Springs. We rented the same kind of vehicles. Yeah. And that time, everyone got their own vehicle and... And two of those vehicles flipped over. Oh, boy. One of them being Blake's. Oh, boy.
No, no. He was passenger because the last time we did this, which was a different... No, it wasn't even a bachelor party. We just all happened to be... Oh, no. It was a birthday party. We were in Palm Springs. We rented the same kind of vehicles. Yeah. And that time, everyone got their own vehicle and... And two of those vehicles flipped over. Oh, boy. One of them being Blake's. Oh, boy.
So Blake climbed this dune, like a pretty big dune that I think was meant for dirt bikes. And he tumbled down. He rolled over like four times. Oh, no. Yeah, he got a concussion. Oh, fuck. So he's scarred. And also had to fucking pay for it. Yeah. It's like, motherfucker, you should have checked the box for insurance. I know. So he had to pay, I think it was $3,000. No.
So Blake climbed this dune, like a pretty big dune that I think was meant for dirt bikes. And he tumbled down. He rolled over like four times. Oh, no. Yeah, he got a concussion. Oh, fuck. So he's scarred. And also had to fucking pay for it. Yeah. It's like, motherfucker, you should have checked the box for insurance. I know. So he had to pay, I think it was $3,000. No.
And then I literally last time, this is why I didn't, I was like, I'm not going with these people. There's no way I'm going to trust, put my life into these people's hands. And last time Lev...
And then I literally last time, this is why I didn't, I was like, I'm not going with these people. There's no way I'm going to trust, put my life into these people's hands. And last time Lev...
i saw him i was next to him he was i was going the same speed as him but he like hit a bump and literally did a fucking a complete flip and then bounced and landed upside down i mean these things are so dangerous but they're so fucking fun dude we were ripping um but no thankfully this time no no flip overs
i saw him i was next to him he was i was going the same speed as him but he like hit a bump and literally did a fucking a complete flip and then bounced and landed upside down i mean these things are so dangerous but they're so fucking fun dude we were ripping um but no thankfully this time no no flip overs
no damage everyone got out scott free uh i i almost flew off a cliff because at one point at one point we switched cars and i let somebody else have the music car yeah and then i i got in that 220 horsepower and i fucking was like this is it was way more fun honestly the more powerful one okay But way more dangerous.
no damage everyone got out scott free uh i i almost flew off a cliff because at one point at one point we switched cars and i let somebody else have the music car yeah and then i i got in that 220 horsepower and i fucking was like this is it was way more fun honestly the more powerful one okay But way more dangerous.
And I think for me, I do have a little bit of an adrenaline junkie vibe, especially when I get behind the wheel of something fast. And there was one point where I almost fell off a cliff. And I was like, you know what? It's probably better that I have the slow car.
And I think for me, I do have a little bit of an adrenaline junkie vibe, especially when I get behind the wheel of something fast. And there was one point where I almost fell off a cliff. And I was like, you know what? It's probably better that I have the slow car.
our hero Kareem has flown off a cliff and there will be no more episodes of this show. That's so fucked up and sad and true. It's funny that that's your first thought is that how am I going to communicate this to the audience?
our hero Kareem has flown off a cliff and there will be no more episodes of this show. That's so fucked up and sad and true. It's funny that that's your first thought is that how am I going to communicate this to the audience?
What's more embarrassing, dying from a fentanyl overdose or dying from falling off a cliff?
What's more embarrassing, dying from a fentanyl overdose or dying from falling off a cliff?
No, and I mean Fentanyl like if I'm secretly doing coke.
No, and I mean Fentanyl like if I'm secretly doing coke.
And my wife doesn't know. And then in the obituary, it's like apparently he was addicted to drugs.
And my wife doesn't know. And then in the obituary, it's like apparently he was addicted to drugs.
So, driving off a cliff is more... Yeah, because it's like a fucking cartoon, dude.
So, driving off a cliff is more... Yeah, because it's like a fucking cartoon, dude.
And I set up a Google voice number where people can call in and submit their takes and Now, am I going to repeat that number on this episode? I don't know yet because we might have to get a new number because I don't want to be the guy that's managing the voicemail inbox. But rest assured, there will be a number that people can call.
And I set up a Google voice number where people can call in and submit their takes and Now, am I going to repeat that number on this episode? I don't know yet because we might have to get a new number because I don't want to be the guy that's managing the voicemail inbox. But rest assured, there will be a number that people can call.
That would be how I go, though. I feel like that is a Kareem... I did a bit. He did what he loved until the end of his time, which was doing bits.
That would be how I go, though. I feel like that is a Kareem... I did a bit. He did what he loved until the end of his time, which was doing bits.
It is hilarious. It's sad when people die, but at least he died doing what he loved. Yeah, exactly. Writing his invention. yeah yeah that's nice so the utv night was great and then uh and then the third day we went on two hikes not one but two hikes in uh rocky mountain national park and it was great uh lev got his drone stuck in a tree
It is hilarious. It's sad when people die, but at least he died doing what he loved. Yeah, exactly. Writing his invention. yeah yeah that's nice so the utv night was great and then uh and then the third day we went on two hikes not one but two hikes in uh rocky mountain national park and it was great uh lev got his drone stuck in a tree
Lev has a new hobby which I think is good for him he needs a hobby his new hobby is flying drones okay and how do you feel about him having this particular hobby I think it's great because he's kind of artistic with it. He has an Instagram account. Okay. Everyone go follow it and comment. Kareem sent me here because I think he'll get a kick out of that.
Lev has a new hobby which I think is good for him he needs a hobby his new hobby is flying drones okay and how do you feel about him having this particular hobby I think it's great because he's kind of artistic with it. He has an Instagram account. Okay. Everyone go follow it and comment. Kareem sent me here because I think he'll get a kick out of that.
What the hell, what the hell is up, Subway Takes Gang? It is your boy, Kareem Rahma. I don't know if I can say Subway Takes Gang, because that's, I think, call her daddy's daddy gang. But whatever, we'll talk about that later. I'm joined by...
What the hell, what the hell is up, Subway Takes Gang? It is your boy, Kareem Rahma. I don't know if I can say Subway Takes Gang, because that's, I think, call her daddy's daddy gang. But whatever, we'll talk about that later. I'm joined by...
But the Instagram account is called Global Drone Travel. And so Lev takes this drone everywhere.
But the Instagram account is called Global Drone Travel. And so Lev takes this drone everywhere.
It's like how I always say, You know, that the people that hold cameras are just human tripods. And I'm the talent. You know what I mean? It's like, how hard can it be to just point a camera at something interesting? And I happen to be the thing that is being pointed at. So, yeah, I think in theory, the drone operator is... It's a technical job. You just have to know how to fly it.
It's like how I always say, You know, that the people that hold cameras are just human tripods. And I'm the talent. You know what I mean? It's like, how hard can it be to just point a camera at something interesting? And I happen to be the thing that is being pointed at. So, yeah, I think in theory, the drone operator is... It's a technical job. You just have to know how to fly it.
But, I mean, if you're in Rocky Mountain National Park, like...
But, I mean, if you're in Rocky Mountain National Park, like...
Like the Rocky Mountain National Park video sounds like Ibiza.
Like the Rocky Mountain National Park video sounds like Ibiza.
You like how I'm saying it properly?
You like how I'm saying it properly?
Ibiza.
Ibiza.
No compilation. He did do a video that he directed during the UTV day and he also did another video that he directed during the hike day. So you should just check him out. Global Drone Travel. Leave a comment. Say Kareem sent you here. Make love his day because he's been complaining that his account is being suppressed by the government and he's not growing anymore.
No compilation. He did do a video that he directed during the UTV day and he also did another video that he directed during the hike day. So you should just check him out. Global Drone Travel. Leave a comment. Say Kareem sent you here. Make love his day because he's been complaining that his account is being suppressed by the government and he's not growing anymore.
I saved it in my phone as Subway takes hotline.
I saved it in my phone as Subway takes hotline.
His wife bought him this drone as a birthday present with his money. It was $2,000. Oh, fuck. He got us stuck in a tree, and he had to climb the tree, which Lev is not a super athletic guy. Yeah. But he was willing to die. Again, final destination. This man had to climb 150 feet into a tree to retrieve his drone.
His wife bought him this drone as a birthday present with his money. It was $2,000. Oh, fuck. He got us stuck in a tree, and he had to climb the tree, which Lev is not a super athletic guy. Yeah. But he was willing to die. Again, final destination. This man had to climb 150 feet into a tree to retrieve his drone.
It was really high. Maybe it was 100. I don't know. But risky.
It was really high. Maybe it was 100. I don't know. But risky.
How many feet is like 10 to 15 men standing on top of each other?
How many feet is like 10 to 15 men standing on top of each other?
You might have to make a new jingle now. Okay, so the current number is 347-746-5518. That's the current number. I don't know how long that will be the number.
You might have to make a new jingle now. Okay, so the current number is 347-746-5518. That's the current number. I don't know how long that will be the number.
Okay. So 60 to 72 feet. Still pretty high.
Okay. So 60 to 72 feet. Still pretty high.
Yeah. But he got it out, which was great. Yeah. And then we did some mushrooms and it was fun. We had a good time. It was a great time.
Yeah. But he got it out, which was great. Yeah. And then we did some mushrooms and it was fun. We had a good time. It was a great time.
Wow, you're right. That's a good callback. Yeah, I think you're absolutely correct. The hat was speaking to the future.
Wow, you're right. That's a good callback. Yeah, I think you're absolutely correct. The hat was speaking to the future.
Yeah, everyone survived. It was sick.
Yeah, everyone survived. It was sick.
Yes, that's a great thing that people should do. I mean, bachelorette parties seem to do it all the time. They're always making merch. So why can't men have merch?
Yes, that's a great thing that people should do. I mean, bachelorette parties seem to do it all the time. They're always making merch. So why can't men have merch?
I'm starting to make one piece of merch.
I'm starting to make one piece of merch.
Oh, they loved the merch.
Oh, they loved the merch.
Yeah, and it's a nice little takeaway. I mean, I'll probably wear the hat because it's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Like, it's such a good hat.
Yeah, and it's a nice little takeaway. I mean, I'll probably wear the hat because it's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Like, it's such a good hat.
Next episode, I will wear it.
Next episode, I will wear it.
It was a great weekend. Wait, should we listen to our hotline thing? Yeah.
It was a great weekend. Wait, should we listen to our hotline thing? Yeah.
I've never listened to the hotline. I didn't listen to the things.
I've never listened to the hotline. I didn't listen to the things.
I just think that maybe what would be smart is if Dale set up the Google Voice number so it goes straight to his inbox.
I just think that maybe what would be smart is if Dale set up the Google Voice number so it goes straight to his inbox.
Oh, shout out, Oklahoma man. I love you too. That's fucking great. Look, I'm going to have to 100% disagree on that. I'm sorry. I see what he's saying. I see what he's saying. He is the creator of Wes Anderson.
Oh, shout out, Oklahoma man. I love you too. That's fucking great. Look, I'm going to have to 100% disagree on that. I'm sorry. I see what he's saying. I see what he's saying. He is the creator of Wes Anderson.
Exactly. There would be no aesthetic. There would be no Wes Anderson aesthetic without Wes Anderson. And no one has even come close to doing it like he does it. Even people who are inspired by Wes Anderson, you can immediately go, oh, they're trying to do a Wes Anderson. And you know what? I would even go so far as to say that no one even attempts it anymore.
Exactly. There would be no aesthetic. There would be no Wes Anderson aesthetic without Wes Anderson. And no one has even come close to doing it like he does it. Even people who are inspired by Wes Anderson, you can immediately go, oh, they're trying to do a Wes Anderson. And you know what? I would even go so far as to say that no one even attempts it anymore.
There are no films that look like Wes Anderson because he's so good at it. But what I will agree with is that, sure, they have... I mean, I don't know, man. Look, I don't think that he's a brilliant genius, though he is a brilliant genius, but I don't think that he's a brilliant genius, but he is a brilliant genius. Which is it? I just think that, like, I get the point he's trying to say, but...
There are no films that look like Wes Anderson because he's so good at it. But what I will agree with is that, sure, they have... I mean, I don't know, man. Look, I don't think that he's a brilliant genius, though he is a brilliant genius, but I don't think that he's a brilliant genius, but he is a brilliant genius. Which is it? I just think that, like, I get the point he's trying to say, but...
I do think that the majority of the Wes Anderson films are good. And I do think that there is variation. I mean, I love dogs is a whole new thing. Go back to the early days of bottle rocket. That wasn't even, it's not even in the, I don't even think that that's really a Wes Anderson film.
I do think that the majority of the Wes Anderson films are good. And I do think that there is variation. I mean, I love dogs is a whole new thing. Go back to the early days of bottle rocket. That wasn't even, it's not even in the, I don't even think that that's really a Wes Anderson film.
You know, um, I guess if you watch them all back to back, you might be like, I'm fucking don't want to, I can't do this anymore.
You know, um, I guess if you watch them all back to back, you might be like, I'm fucking don't want to, I can't do this anymore.
Or we can add it to the subwaytakes.gmail.com email address, but then somebody still has to download the messages and give it to Dale.
Or we can add it to the subwaytakes.gmail.com email address, but then somebody still has to download the messages and give it to Dale.
Like if you watch it, but he makes, he makes what I, I describe his movies as they're, they're literally cartoons. Yes. They're just, they're animated cartoons, but with real people in them. And I think when you walk into a Wes Anderson film, you know what you're going to get and you got to be in the mood for a Wes Anderson film, but I don't think that he sucks. Yeah. That's my take.
Like if you watch it, but he makes, he makes what I, I describe his movies as they're, they're literally cartoons. Yes. They're just, they're animated cartoons, but with real people in them. And I think when you walk into a Wes Anderson film, you know what you're going to get and you got to be in the mood for a Wes Anderson film, but I don't think that he sucks. Yeah. That's my take.
Well, let me ask you this question. Do you a hundred percent agree or a hundred percent disagree?
Well, let me ask you this question. Do you a hundred percent agree or a hundred percent disagree?
Whatever that guy just said.
Whatever that guy just said.
I mean, I'm sure he works with some of the most talented people in the game. But here's an interesting thought that I just had, which is that if you were to take a Wes Anderson script and give it to Scorsese or something.
I mean, I'm sure he works with some of the most talented people in the game. But here's an interesting thought that I just had, which is that if you were to take a Wes Anderson script and give it to Scorsese or something.
Do we still think it would be a good movie? I think it would.
Do we still think it would be a good movie? I think it would.
Okay, pick a note. Jordan Peele.
Okay, pick a note. Jordan Peele.
The movie about the Asian guy that he doesn't like Asian people.
The movie about the Asian guy that he doesn't like Asian people.
Yeah, that's sick.
Yeah, that's sick.
Look, my point is, fine, give the script to me. That would probably be a bad movie.
Look, my point is, fine, give the script to me. That would probably be a bad movie.
that'd probably be a bad movie can you give a wes anderson script to a director and it would still and a good director and it would still be a good movie i think yes that's what my point is that i think the movies on their own royal tenenbaums darjeeling limited uh fucking mood midnight kingdom or a moon night kingdom moonrise maybe that maybe that one a little less i don't know if i like that one that much i gotta rewatch it
that'd probably be a bad movie can you give a wes anderson script to a director and it would still and a good director and it would still be a good movie i think yes that's what my point is that i think the movies on their own royal tenenbaums darjeeling limited uh fucking mood midnight kingdom or a moon night kingdom moonrise maybe that maybe that one a little less i don't know if i like that one that much i gotta rewatch it
I don't like that idea. That does remind me of that idea that we had when we were making Subway Takes merch that never got released. That we were going to do a sick design of a shirt and then we were just going to put our random phone number on the shirt.
I don't like that idea. That does remind me of that idea that we had when we were making Subway Takes merch that never got released. That we were going to do a sick design of a shirt and then we were just going to put our random phone number on the shirt.
Let them cook.
Let them cook.
100% agree. That's the fucking man right there. I think that he is on point. I think that this goes for so many things in our culture. Fucking everybody should have to be a server. Everybody should have to be a bartender. Everybody should have to be a busboy. Everybody should have to fucking work construction. Maybe not that one. But I think that he's 100% right. I think that the world...
100% agree. That's the fucking man right there. I think that he is on point. I think that this goes for so many things in our culture. Fucking everybody should have to be a server. Everybody should have to be a bartender. Everybody should have to be a busboy. Everybody should have to fucking work construction. Maybe not that one. But I think that he's 100% right. I think that the world...
of bureaucrats and even just rude shitty people this world would be a much better place if people had to work shitty jobs and experience shit i think everyone would be much happier in this in this world especially these people yeah look i agree you should get high on your own supply you gotta you gotta get high on your supply you gotta know what it is that you're putting out there if the product's shit but you gotta try it out you gotta know
of bureaucrats and even just rude shitty people this world would be a much better place if people had to work shitty jobs and experience shit i think everyone would be much happier in this in this world especially these people yeah look i agree you should get high on your own supply you gotta you gotta get high on your supply you gotta know what it is that you're putting out there if the product's shit but you gotta try it out you gotta know
I think that that's absolutely right. I mean, I think when it like you can't, it's kind of like this thing about, uh, it's like, it's the whole argument of the critic, right? Like there are some critics who get it. And then there are some critics who are like, I could do that, but I didn't. And now I'm mad and angry and I hate everyone. Probably like Wes Anderson boy over there. Yeah.
I think that that's absolutely right. I mean, I think when it like you can't, it's kind of like this thing about, uh, it's like, it's the whole argument of the critic, right? Like there are some critics who get it. And then there are some critics who are like, I could do that, but I didn't. And now I'm mad and angry and I hate everyone. Probably like Wes Anderson boy over there. Yeah.
Odds are he went to film school and has not developed a cinematic voice. Although, shout out to my Oklahoma guy. I do like that you called in. But yeah, I think that the world would be cured of fucking war.
Odds are he went to film school and has not developed a cinematic voice. Although, shout out to my Oklahoma guy. I do like that you called in. But yeah, I think that the world would be cured of fucking war.
But that random phone number was either going to be the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building or just another random New York institution.
But that random phone number was either going to be the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building or just another random New York institution.
go oh you want oh no no oh you want to wage war cool for the first week you are on the front lines and then you can wage war yeah like the president i think a lot of these button pushing fucking sons of bitches would pull out of every bad thing and start treating people like humans instead of statistics and and the world and the city would be a better place for it
go oh you want oh no no oh you want to wage war cool for the first week you are on the front lines and then you can wage war yeah like the president i think a lot of these button pushing fucking sons of bitches would pull out of every bad thing and start treating people like humans instead of statistics and and the world and the city would be a better place for it
But because I have a habit of putting my name in everything, I think it has to be Kareem Rama's SocialistRepublicans.com. No, it's Republican Socialism with Kareem Rama. Sure, it could be that. But no, it's SocialistRepublicanism with Kareem Rama.
But because I have a habit of putting my name in everything, I think it has to be Kareem Rama's SocialistRepublicans.com. No, it's Republican Socialism with Kareem Rama. Sure, it could be that. But no, it's SocialistRepublicanism with Kareem Rama.
Oh. Well, let me take my go at it. Do we have any other takes?
Oh. Well, let me take my go at it. Do we have any other takes?
100% agree. Why do these guys all have awesome voices?
100% agree. Why do these guys all have awesome voices?
They have the perfect voice for a person that calls in. Yeah. They all have call-in voice.
They have the perfect voice for a person that calls in. Yeah. They all have call-in voice.
No, no, no. But like in a movie when you have like a scene where someone calls in, they all sound like that guy. All three of those guys sound like the same guy.
No, no, no. But like in a movie when you have like a scene where someone calls in, they all sound like that guy. All three of those guys sound like the same guy.
maybe just the same god it literally sounds like the same guy doing three slightly different variations it might be the same fucking guy but he's right i mean i think i think you know i think you will never if it's that whole thing where you like if you look back a year ago and you're not disgusted by your former self or at least cringed out by it then you haven't really grown as a person
maybe just the same god it literally sounds like the same guy doing three slightly different variations it might be the same fucking guy but he's right i mean i think i think you know i think you will never if it's that whole thing where you like if you look back a year ago and you're not disgusted by your former self or at least cringed out by it then you haven't really grown as a person
And I think that's kind of the point, maybe the point that he's trying to make, which is that everyone's always learning, growing, experiencing new things, changing their mind, shifting their positions. I guess there's a small subsect of people who don't do that and what I like to call those people as idiots. Clinical term. No, it's like the people that were like they peaked in high school.
And I think that's kind of the point, maybe the point that he's trying to make, which is that everyone's always learning, growing, experiencing new things, changing their mind, shifting their positions. I guess there's a small subsect of people who don't do that and what I like to call those people as idiots. Clinical term. No, it's like the people that were like they peaked in high school.
They were like, oh cool, this is my personality now and I'm now just going to be this for the rest of my life. Even if it doesn't work and they lose friends because they're losers now. But I think anyone who is self-aware or even the slightest bit enlightened...
They were like, oh cool, this is my personality now and I'm now just going to be this for the rest of my life. Even if it doesn't work and they lose friends because they're losers now. But I think anyone who is self-aware or even the slightest bit enlightened...
What are you? Are you 100% agree or 100% disagree?
What are you? Are you 100% agree or 100% disagree?
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, I feel super grounded. No, no, no, no, no. But this is only a recent development in the lore of Andrew Kuo.
Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, I feel super grounded. No, no, no, no, no. But this is only a recent development in the lore of Andrew Kuo.
I think two years ago, you would agree with that guy.
I think two years ago, you would agree with that guy.
That's the problem is you're too cocky now. Yeah. You're like, oh, I know myself. I know exactly what I want, but you really don't because you haven't been exposed to everything that there is.
That's the problem is you're too cocky now. Yeah. You're like, oh, I know myself. I know exactly what I want, but you really don't because you haven't been exposed to everything that there is.
I mean, I'm comfortable where I'm... See, this is the thing. I'm comfortable where I'm at, but I know the reason that life is worth living is because right around any corner or right around any day, there is a new surprise waiting to change me. And I absorb. I'm the absorber, bro. I'm the fucking absorber.
I mean, I'm comfortable where I'm... See, this is the thing. I'm comfortable where I'm at, but I know the reason that life is worth living is because right around any corner or right around any day, there is a new surprise waiting to change me. And I absorb. I'm the absorber, bro. I'm the fucking absorber.
That's why I'm a socialist Republican, because I absorb ideas and I take them and I'm a sponge. So, yeah, I think, I don't know. I think you should sleep on it.
That's why I'm a socialist Republican, because I absorb ideas and I take them and I'm a sponge. So, yeah, I think, I don't know. I think you should sleep on it.
I think you have to sleep on it.
I think you have to sleep on it.
What a bunch of great bloke, a couple of great blokes.
What a bunch of great bloke, a couple of great blokes.
Great idea.
Great idea.
No, but we need people to listen to the end.
No, but we need people to listen to the end.
Welcome to a Subway Takes meeting, internal meeting. This is how me and Andrew, this is how we develop all the ideas that you've seen. We say stuff like this and we go, well, maybe we should put it at the end so that people listen longer. That's called strategy.
Welcome to a Subway Takes meeting, internal meeting. This is how me and Andrew, this is how we develop all the ideas that you've seen. We say stuff like this and we go, well, maybe we should put it at the end so that people listen longer. That's called strategy.
That's genius. But, you know, we might be wrong. Yeah.
That's genius. But, you know, we might be wrong. Yeah.
You like put it at the beginning. Let's put it at the beginning. We literally, now I'm like, should we put it at the beginning? The beginning is kind of tight, right? If we open the show with that?
You like put it at the beginning. Let's put it at the beginning. We literally, now I'm like, should we put it at the beginning? The beginning is kind of tight, right? If we open the show with that?
we can figure it out maybe we should let people call in they can call in and let us know if they want to if their take on where we should put the takes what's it called what is the hot takes hot subway takes hotline that's a sick name
we can figure it out maybe we should let people call in they can call in and let us know if they want to if their take on where we should put the takes what's it called what is the hot takes hot subway takes hotline that's a sick name
Subway Takes call-in line. And I'm excited for people to hear this little jingle that Dale cooked up.
Subway Takes call-in line. And I'm excited for people to hear this little jingle that Dale cooked up.
Fucking jingle master over there.
Fucking jingle master over there.
There is a store. There is a Subway Takes store. Wait, there is literally a Subway Takes store that's still up.
There is a store. There is a Subway Takes store. Wait, there is literally a Subway Takes store that's still up.
Six of them sounded like children's songs.
Six of them sounded like children's songs.
There was not a lot of variation in the options. No, there were a couple.
There was not a lot of variation in the options. No, there were a couple.
Yeah, I like that. That's so fucking stupid. I love how stupid everything is. It's so good. Yeah, we should change the jingle every time. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Oh, God. What's the number?
Yeah, I like that. That's so fucking stupid. I love how stupid everything is. It's so good. Yeah, we should change the jingle every time. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Oh, God. What's the number?
Hold on. Let me pull up the number. Oh, yeah. Everyone, you can call in, guys. If you can call in and you leave us your take. Subway Takes Hotline. The number is 347-746-5518. That's 347-746-5518.
Hold on. Let me pull up the number. Oh, yeah. Everyone, you can call in, guys. If you can call in and you leave us your take. Subway Takes Hotline. The number is 347-746-5518. That's 347-746-5518.
Oh, God. I probably should not see that movie. No, don't see that movie. I don't think I'm going to see that movie. Devin Sawa. Is he in it? Well, he was the OG. Wasn't he the OG? I know, but is he in the new one?
Oh, God. I probably should not see that movie. No, don't see that movie. I don't think I'm going to see that movie. Devin Sawa. Is he in it? Well, he was the OG. Wasn't he the OG? I know, but is he in the new one?
I don't know if we still have that URL. Let's check. SubwayTakes.org.
I don't know if we still have that URL. Let's check. SubwayTakes.org.
I would see it if he was in it. Yeah, he thought it was great. I would have him as a guest on the show.
I would see it if he was in it. Yeah, he thought it was great. I would have him as a guest on the show.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Well, I've been asked so many times who my dream Subway Taste guest is. I've been asked it so many times. And I finally have my answer.
Well, I've been asked so many times who my dream Subway Taste guest is. I've been asked it so many times. And I finally have my answer.
The man you all know and love recently, Subway takes producer and co-creator Andrew Kuo, as well as our lovable little guy, who's actually not that little, he's yacked, he's yoked, Dale Isinger, who is the producer of the pod.
The man you all know and love recently, Subway takes producer and co-creator Andrew Kuo, as well as our lovable little guy, who's actually not that little, he's yacked, he's yoked, Dale Isinger, who is the producer of the pod.
The one person that I would pitch to.
The one person that I would pitch to.
Ben Affleck.
Ben Affleck.
I think Ben Affleck is so sick.
I think Ben Affleck is so sick.
He does the work of acting, dude. Matt Damon sucks.
He does the work of acting, dude. Matt Damon sucks.
Ben Affleck is a much better actor.
Ben Affleck is a much better actor.
That's literally... Affleck has way more range. And depth. Maybe young Matt was a contender because he was kind of hot. But current Matt Damon is not doing it for me. But Affleck is doing it for me. That guy's lived a life.
That's literally... Affleck has way more range. And depth. Maybe young Matt was a contender because he was kind of hot. But current Matt Damon is not doing it for me. But Affleck is doing it for me. That guy's lived a life.
Yeah, because Ben Affleck is a good actor. He can get cast. I would love to interview Ben Affleck on the subway.
Yeah, because Ben Affleck is a good actor. He can get cast. I would love to interview Ben Affleck on the subway.
Oh, a little collab.
Oh, a little collab.
Socialist capitalism.
Socialist capitalism.
Republican socialism. Socialist republicanism. Well, I gotta go.
Republican socialism. Socialist republicanism. Well, I gotta go.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a real work day. Well. Oh, okay. Is there a bird in your house, Dale?
Yeah. Yeah, it's a real work day. Well. Oh, okay. Is there a bird in your house, Dale?
I always forget he lives upstate.
I always forget he lives upstate.
Is there a bird in your house, Andrew?
Is there a bird in your house, Andrew?
Are there birds in your house? I ain't talking about hoes. That's a rap lyric that I just... Yeah, maybe I'll just not do that. Maybe I won't pursue that career.
Are there birds in your house? I ain't talking about hoes. That's a rap lyric that I just... Yeah, maybe I'll just not do that. Maybe I won't pursue that career.
I mean, new thangs.
I mean, new thangs.
Yeah, it was not good.
Yeah, it was not good.
Maybe I'll do rap rock.
Maybe I'll do rap rock.
Like Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit.
Like Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit.
I think a lot of things have come back, but that hasn't come back yet. I wouldn't know. But yeah, if it hasn't, then yes, it should come back. I think we can bring it back. Dale, cook up our rap rock instrumental.
I think a lot of things have come back, but that hasn't come back yet. I wouldn't know. But yeah, if it hasn't, then yes, it should come back. I think we can bring it back. Dale, cook up our rap rock instrumental.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
Was that before or after the Indie Sleeves revival?
Was that before or after the Indie Sleeves revival?
I think I got rid of the URL and now it redirects to realprize.com.
I think I got rid of the URL and now it redirects to realprize.com.
I do. I do. All right. I gotta go.
I do. I do. All right. I gotta go.
See you later. Bye.
See you later. Bye.
Sick. Okay, nice. So that was fun. Anyways, I just got off of a three-day bachelor party in Denver.
Sick. Okay, nice. So that was fun. Anyways, I just got off of a three-day bachelor party in Denver.
It wasn't in Denver. It wasn't in Denver. It was actually in a little town called Granby.
It wasn't in Denver. It wasn't in Denver. It was actually in a little town called Granby.
Granby, Colorado.
Granby, Colorado.
No, no one's ever heard of it.
No, no one's ever heard of it.
Nick.
Nick.
Well, let me tell you, Nick's nickname is BDN. Any guesses?
Well, let me tell you, Nick's nickname is BDN. Any guesses?
No, BDN. Big Dick Nick.
No, BDN. Big Dick Nick.
I'm ESL.
I'm ESL.
So BDN picked it. BDN is a friend of the group chat. He's a friend of the group chat that I almost got kicked out of. And he lives in Denver. So he's the one that kind of... He did a great job.
So BDN picked it. BDN is a friend of the group chat. He's a friend of the group chat that I almost got kicked out of. And he lives in Denver. So he's the one that kind of... He did a great job.
So BDN's gay. And his planning is meticulous.
So BDN's gay. And his planning is meticulous.
So he did meticulous planning. So on the agenda, day one, we arrived, which was Thursday, which means that we did not much because we got in at like 8 p.m. I think we had a nice little family-style dinner that night. You know, steaks and chicken that were cooked by Levon. You know, Levon? Lev?
So he did meticulous planning. So on the agenda, day one, we arrived, which was Thursday, which means that we did not much because we got in at like 8 p.m. I think we had a nice little family-style dinner that night. You know, steaks and chicken that were cooked by Levon. You know, Levon? Lev?
Such a handsome, swarthy character. You always describe him as swarthy.
Such a handsome, swarthy character. You always describe him as swarthy.
No, no. It's LeVon.
No, no. It's LeVon.
But that's because you saw him in a leather blazer once.
But that's because you saw him in a leather blazer once.
Leather blazers are tight.
Leather blazers are tight.
I bet Dale could pull it off as well as myself.
I bet Dale could pull it off as well as myself.
Probably not.
Probably not.
I could definitely pull off a leather blazer.
I could definitely pull off a leather blazer.
Oh. Well, at least you're self-aware. Andrew, tell Marcus to shut the fuck up.
Oh. Well, at least you're self-aware. Andrew, tell Marcus to shut the fuck up.
Tell Marcus to shut the fuck up.
Tell Marcus to shut the fuck up.
Thank you, Marcus. Thank you, Marcus. So we had steaks and chicken grilled by Levon. And then day two was a real highlight. It was a real blast. I loved day two. Day two, we went to some hot springs. And we, you know, it was like kind of like this. It was kind of like a like a family owned hot springs zone. So it wasn't it wasn't nice by any means, but it was authentic. Yeah.
Thank you, Marcus. Thank you, Marcus. So we had steaks and chicken grilled by Levon. And then day two was a real highlight. It was a real blast. I loved day two. Day two, we went to some hot springs. And we, you know, it was like kind of like this. It was kind of like a like a family owned hot springs zone. So it wasn't it wasn't nice by any means, but it was authentic. Yeah.
There was just no frills. It kind of reminded me of the Russian Turkish bathhouse in the East Village or in Wall Street, except outside.
There was just no frills. It kind of reminded me of the Russian Turkish bathhouse in the East Village or in Wall Street, except outside.
No, it wasn't like that. And it wasn't like Bathhouse, which we now know, Bathhouse Williamsburg, which we now know you can get gonorrhea at.
No, it wasn't like that. And it wasn't like Bathhouse, which we now know, Bathhouse Williamsburg, which we now know you can get gonorrhea at.
No, no, I'm not. Did you not read the expose?
No, no, I'm not. Did you not read the expose?
I don't mind. I mean, I'm sure you don't want to take it down because you think that there's some sort of business development to be had.
I don't mind. I mean, I'm sure you don't want to take it down because you think that there's some sort of business development to be had.
I'm happy to take it down. I don't give a shit.
I'm happy to take it down. I don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit. I mean, I read the news and it said that you can get syphilis and gonorrhea at Bathhouse Williamsburg and Flatiron. I said, I'm never going back.
I don't give a shit. I mean, I read the news and it said that you can get syphilis and gonorrhea at Bathhouse Williamsburg and Flatiron. I said, I'm never going back.
He's usually yoked up. He's a yoked guy. Guys, stop. Come on. Well, in the band that Dale and I are in, which is called Tiny Gun, oftentimes we refer to Dale as Mr. Yolk. Right. Muscles, not egg.
He's usually yoked up. He's a yoked guy. Guys, stop. Come on. Well, in the band that Dale and I are in, which is called Tiny Gun, oftentimes we refer to Dale as Mr. Yolk. Right. Muscles, not egg.
That's how you know they're guilty.
That's how you know they're guilty.
guilty they would say these are allegations we we firmly believe that bathhouse williams bergen bathhouse flat iron do not have syphilis and gonorrhea and we always take the best care and cleaning seriously in our facilities but they didn't do that they just said here's 25 off your
guilty they would say these are allegations we we firmly believe that bathhouse williams bergen bathhouse flat iron do not have syphilis and gonorrhea and we always take the best care and cleaning seriously in our facilities but they didn't do that they just said here's 25 off your
I think if you're sitting in a pool filled with piss and gonorrhea and syphilis, you can definitely get it.
I think if you're sitting in a pool filled with piss and gonorrhea and syphilis, you can definitely get it.
There's definitely piss, and I've pissed in there.
There's definitely piss, and I've pissed in there.
I fucking drink piss. I don't give a fuck.
I fucking drink piss. I don't give a fuck.
No, but you know what else is hilarious is that now they run Instagram ads And they put like hot girls in the Instagram ads. And they're like, oh, I just had such a stressful day at work. Let me take my clothes off and enter the bathhouse. Thinking that that's going to get... I'm just like, all I can see when I see those ads is like, she probably has syphilis.
No, but you know what else is hilarious is that now they run Instagram ads And they put like hot girls in the Instagram ads. And they're like, oh, I just had such a stressful day at work. Let me take my clothes off and enter the bathhouse. Thinking that that's going to get... I'm just like, all I can see when I see those ads is like, she probably has syphilis.
I don't think they used to have ads. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I see. Because I never saw one. And then after the allegations, the ads were everywhere in my feeds. All my feeds, even Facebook.
I don't think they used to have ads. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I see. Because I never saw one. And then after the allegations, the ads were everywhere in my feeds. All my feeds, even Facebook.
Things ain't good. Things ain't good when you start seeing Instagram ads.
Things ain't good. Things ain't good when you start seeing Instagram ads.
I don't know if they can recover from something like that, to be completely honest with you.
I don't know if they can recover from something like that, to be completely honest with you.
I mean, we have been there. That's funny.
I mean, we have been there. That's funny.
I think that's just called hanging out. Okay, got it. I think that's just what we just hung out for a couple hours. I used to go to all the bathhouses quite a bit. I was thinking about this the other day when I was in Granby, Colorado at the Hot Springs. I feel like I used to go to the Russian Turkish once a week, and now I just don't go anymore.
I think that's just called hanging out. Okay, got it. I think that's just what we just hung out for a couple hours. I used to go to all the bathhouses quite a bit. I was thinking about this the other day when I was in Granby, Colorado at the Hot Springs. I feel like I used to go to the Russian Turkish once a week, and now I just don't go anymore.
I'm just suffering from success. I don't have time to relax.
I'm just suffering from success. I don't have time to relax.
Between my wildly successful career as an online entertainer and my offline career as a good father, there's no time to self-care.
Between my wildly successful career as an online entertainer and my offline career as a good father, there's no time to self-care.
No, no, but the lore is that Dale is Jewish.
No, no, but the lore is that Dale is Jewish.
It's kind of in the middle.
It's kind of in the middle.
I mean, I took Karina on a date night last night, and I just got back from fucking Granby, Colorado.
I mean, I took Karina on a date night last night, and I just got back from fucking Granby, Colorado.
But think about how good of a husband that is. I get back from three days of debauchery, and I slide right into a goddamn date night. I mean, father and husband of the year award.
But think about how good of a husband that is. I get back from three days of debauchery, and I slide right into a goddamn date night. I mean, father and husband of the year award.
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. So she's been reading the Keith McNally book. So we went to Pastis because she's never been.
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. So she's been reading the Keith McNally book. So we went to Pastis because she's never been.
It'll work. It'll work. I mean, what we usually do for date night is we go to a movie. And I like to go to Nighthawk in Prospect Park because it's close by. And you can kind of double up on food and entertainment. But the only thing that I hadn't really seen was Final Destination. And... As I get older, I don't know if I want to see Final Destination.
It'll work. It'll work. I mean, what we usually do for date night is we go to a movie. And I like to go to Nighthawk in Prospect Park because it's close by. And you can kind of double up on food and entertainment. But the only thing that I hadn't really seen was Final Destination. And... As I get older, I don't know if I want to see Final Destination.
I mean, the biggest issue is you got to cut an even number because I don't think I think people just like even numbers like 50. Like it was 48 and then they added two to make it 50. If it was 49, that would seem off, wouldn't it? Yeah. You got to get an even number in it. I know zero.
I mean, the biggest issue is you got to cut an even number because I don't think I think people just like even numbers like 50. Like it was 48 and then they added two to make it 50. If it was 49, that would seem off, wouldn't it? Yeah. You got to get an even number in it. I know zero.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right, four. Yeah, I guess that adolescent show that came out with that. That was four.
Right, four. Yeah, I guess that adolescent show that came out with that. That was four.
If you don't know the capital, it's probably not worth keeping.
If you don't know the capital, it's probably not worth keeping.
If you ask Americans, that's like half the country would go. They wouldn't know the capital.
If you ask Americans, that's like half the country would go. They wouldn't know the capital.
That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. That's acknowledging a complexity of identity, which I would not keep. But that's nice that you feel... There's two separate entities that we combine into one, and I am just Dakota. It's almost like a land acknowledgment.
That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. That's acknowledging a complexity of identity, which I would not keep. But that's nice that you feel... There's two separate entities that we combine into one, and I am just Dakota. It's almost like a land acknowledgment.
It's the same logic. It's like we're not giving the land back, but we will acknowledge publicly that it is stolen. We're not going to change the Dakota situation, but we'll acknowledge there was two at one point.
It's the same logic. It's like we're not giving the land back, but we will acknowledge publicly that it is stolen. We're not going to change the Dakota situation, but we'll acknowledge there was two at one point.
Oh.
Oh.
Plus, I feel there's redundancy. It just doesn't make sense. As a person that believes in some kind of logic, like, why do you got an East and a West when you... You can just put them together. And North and South Dakota doesn't make... Rhode Island never made sense to me. It's so small. So you're telling me that and Wyoming are both states, that and California are both states? Right.
Plus, I feel there's redundancy. It just doesn't make sense. As a person that believes in some kind of logic, like, why do you got an East and a West when you... You can just put them together. And North and South Dakota doesn't make... Rhode Island never made sense to me. It's so small. So you're telling me that and Wyoming are both states, that and California are both states? Right.
Vermont, New Hampshire, one state. I don't know why they're two states. It's one piece of land. We're not in a Hispaniola situation. Okay, one state. Washington and Oregon, one state. Okay, one state. Okay, this gets a little tricky now. We sell Alaska to Canada. in exchange for British Columbia, which expands the Northwest, right? And then we get a little bit of Ontario that has Toronto in it.
Vermont, New Hampshire, one state. I don't know why they're two states. It's one piece of land. We're not in a Hispaniola situation. Okay, one state. Washington and Oregon, one state. Okay, one state. Okay, this gets a little tricky now. We sell Alaska to Canada. in exchange for British Columbia, which expands the Northwest, right? And then we get a little bit of Ontario that has Toronto in it.
It doesn't make any sense. And then the lack of population. You're telling me you get two senators and New York gets two senators, really? Wyoming and New York are on equal footing? Why?
It doesn't make any sense. And then the lack of population. You're telling me you get two senators and New York gets two senators, really? Wyoming and New York are on equal footing? Why?
Diversity of what?
Diversity of what?
That's very funny.
That's very funny.
It's more organic how those states came to be, as opposed to like, this is a parcel of land and we're... Is that what happened in the East? I think that's more of what happened in the middle of the country and on the West Coast. You're like shaping things based on natural like land masses and rivers as well as like there are states that are fairly square like.
It's more organic how those states came to be, as opposed to like, this is a parcel of land and we're... Is that what happened in the East? I think that's more of what happened in the middle of the country and on the West Coast. You're like shaping things based on natural like land masses and rivers as well as like there are states that are fairly square like.
Maybe I don't know enough about Rhode Island. It just does not feel distinct enough. It feels like, is it that different than Massachusetts and Connecticut? No. No, right?
Maybe I don't know enough about Rhode Island. It just does not feel distinct enough. It feels like, is it that different than Massachusetts and Connecticut? No. No, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Jersey's not really the same guys as some of those other states. Jersey has more personality, doesn't it? I guess because of its proximity to New York. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Jersey's not really the same guys as some of those other states. Jersey has more personality, doesn't it? I guess because of its proximity to New York. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's right. That was mentioned, too. New York and New Jersey being one state. I don't know how I feel about that.
Yeah, that's right. That was mentioned, too. New York and New Jersey being one state. I don't know how I feel about that.
Yeah, it looks more amoeba-like.
Yeah, it looks more amoeba-like.
So we're conquering all of a sudden? We're not conquering, we're trading. It's Drake for oil. Now we're up to 41 states. We still got one more to go. Which one? We let Hawaii choose whether it wants to be independent or not.
So we're conquering all of a sudden? We're not conquering, we're trading. It's Drake for oil. Now we're up to 41 states. We still got one more to go. Which one? We let Hawaii choose whether it wants to be independent or not.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Yet there's no Carolina, South Carolina. It's just that. Then we're making a distinction.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Yet there's no Carolina, South Carolina. It's just that. Then we're making a distinction.
Well, it should be West of Virginia. The state should be called West of Virginia.
Well, it should be West of Virginia. The state should be called West of Virginia.
Based on the name?
Based on the name?
Different barbecue cultures.
Different barbecue cultures.
Who cares, though?
Who cares, though?
A little bit, right?
A little bit, right?
It just doesn't make any sense. Like, Vermont and New Hampshire, there was a lot of pushback. Like, no, they're not the same thing. And I'm like, get out of here. Like, I get it. Like, New Hampshire is, like, conservative. Vermont's liberal. But they're right next to each other. Like, just Thanksgiving that shit. Do you know what I mean?
It just doesn't make any sense. Like, Vermont and New Hampshire, there was a lot of pushback. Like, no, they're not the same thing. And I'm like, get out of here. Like, I get it. Like, New Hampshire is, like, conservative. Vermont's liberal. But they're right next to each other. Like, just Thanksgiving that shit. Do you know what I mean?
If they choose to stay in the union, then we make Connecticut a highway.
If they choose to stay in the union, then we make Connecticut a highway.
Just, like, straight up get your liberal and your conservative family together and let them fight it out. But that's one state. You can't just pretend they're two different states. It's the same land. That's why the Hispaniola example, like Hispaniola, you got two distinct places. You got the Dominican and you got Haiti.
Just, like, straight up get your liberal and your conservative family together and let them fight it out. But that's one state. You can't just pretend they're two different states. It's the same land. That's why the Hispaniola example, like Hispaniola, you got two distinct places. You got the Dominican and you got Haiti.
Those are two different cultures, two histories, two colonizers, like Vermont and New Hampshire, Vermont and New Hampshire.
Those are two different cultures, two histories, two colonizers, like Vermont and New Hampshire, Vermont and New Hampshire.
Mirror images.
Mirror images.
That's the landmass that Haiti... Haiti and the Dominican are on the same landmass. It's one island. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, and it's split. And so the French took a side and then the Spanish took a side. Wow. So that's the Dominican is the Spanish side and Haiti is the... It's the same landmass. No, no, I know. That's crazy.
That's the landmass that Haiti... Haiti and the Dominican are on the same landmass. It's one island. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, and it's split. And so the French took a side and then the Spanish took a side. Wow. So that's the Dominican is the Spanish side and Haiti is the... It's the same landmass. No, no, I know. That's crazy.
Do you know that Haiti is still paying France... Reparations? Do you know that? That's insane. Yeah, Haiti is paying France reparations because of the revolution where they overturned France. They claim that the slaveholders lost money and wealth. And so Haiti, and now I think they're just paying interest at this point, had to pay off reparations to France.
Do you know that Haiti is still paying France... Reparations? Do you know that? That's insane. Yeah, Haiti is paying France reparations because of the revolution where they overturned France. They claim that the slaveholders lost money and wealth. And so Haiti, and now I think they're just paying interest at this point, had to pay off reparations to France.
Yeah. So all I'm saying is New Hampshire and Vermont don't have that baggage.
Yeah. So all I'm saying is New Hampshire and Vermont don't have that baggage.
Ah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what it is? I forgot Delaware existed, which is the irony of Delaware, right? Because Delaware maybe doesn't need to exist. What's the point? Joe Biden is from there. Who cares? But, like, I forgot they existed. You can't cut a place if you keep forgetting they exist.
Ah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what it is? I forgot Delaware existed, which is the irony of Delaware, right? Because Delaware maybe doesn't need to exist. What's the point? Joe Biden is from there. Who cares? But, like, I forgot they existed. You can't cut a place if you keep forgetting they exist.
Then we have to cut another 10, another 9 at that point. That's a lot of work, man.
Then we have to cut another 10, another 9 at that point. That's a lot of work, man.
But it was an accident. I mean, the thing with Delaware, the Delaware's value basically is that corporations set up their businesses in Delaware for tax reasons, I think.
But it was an accident. I mean, the thing with Delaware, the Delaware's value basically is that corporations set up their businesses in Delaware for tax reasons, I think.
You mean if we combine Delaware and Maryland, you're saying?
You mean if we combine Delaware and Maryland, you're saying?
I mean, that's what was suggested in the comments. I mean, I guess we could do that, and then I could free either Virginia or I could re-split the Virginias or re-split the Carolinas if that is that important to people.
I mean, that's what was suggested in the comments. I mean, I guess we could do that, and then I could free either Virginia or I could re-split the Virginias or re-split the Carolinas if that is that important to people.
Yeah, all of them at some point someone disagreed with, for sure. And the whole premise also was disagreed with.
Yeah, all of them at some point someone disagreed with, for sure. And the whole premise also was disagreed with.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
Beautiful, beautiful part of the country, but not really multiple states. One state.
Beautiful, beautiful part of the country, but not really multiple states. One state.
I mean, Wyoming is one state. Look at that land mass. It's not that the populations are so huge in those places. Like, if you add Massachusetts in, the population is really getting up there. But those three states together, that makes sense.
I mean, Wyoming is one state. Look at that land mass. It's not that the populations are so huge in those places. Like, if you add Massachusetts in, the population is really getting up there. But those three states together, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do people call it that? I don't know. I mean, somebody's going to make a t-shirt now. Florida, America's cock.
Do people call it that? I don't know. I mean, somebody's going to make a t-shirt now. Florida, America's cock.
Oh, that's an interesting... Wow. Yeah. I mean, what they're saying is Montana is significantly less racist than Idaho.
Oh, that's an interesting... Wow. Yeah. I mean, what they're saying is Montana is significantly less racist than Idaho.
Well, I mean, they're not inaccurate with their assessment of there's a lot of that in Idaho. But to be given to Florida, you know what? Okay, I'll throw Montana in on that Alaska deal. Give it to Canada. If we're getting BC and we're getting Ontario, a good chunk of Ontario, I'll throw in Montana. What the hell? It's not bad. People said I misnumbered them.
Well, I mean, they're not inaccurate with their assessment of there's a lot of that in Idaho. But to be given to Florida, you know what? Okay, I'll throw Montana in on that Alaska deal. Give it to Canada. If we're getting BC and we're getting Ontario, a good chunk of Ontario, I'll throw in Montana. What the hell? It's not bad. People said I misnumbered them.
I cut too many states, which I don't think is true.
I cut too many states, which I don't think is true.
Oh, that it was going to go that viral? No. I don't assume anything I'm going to do is going to be successful. It was a nice surprise.
Oh, that it was going to go that viral? No. I don't assume anything I'm going to do is going to be successful. It was a nice surprise.
Why do people argue with the premise? It's clearly a ridiculous premise.
Why do people argue with the premise? It's clearly a ridiculous premise.
I just don't understand why anybody would say that you should cut 10 states because it's a video on the internet.
I just don't understand why anybody would say that you should cut 10 states because it's a video on the internet.
That was a New York Times article, too. So basically they're saying fuck Asians? Is that what they're saying?
That was a New York Times article, too. So basically they're saying fuck Asians? Is that what they're saying?
Man, that's a stupid take. I'm sorry. Do you not go into your Asian friends? I don't think my Asian friends should entertain guests. If I can't leave my shoes that have stepped in poop all over their carpets. How do you live that way? Do you keep them on in the bed too?
Man, that's a stupid take. I'm sorry. Do you not go into your Asian friends? I don't think my Asian friends should entertain guests. If I can't leave my shoes that have stepped in poop all over their carpets. How do you live that way? Do you keep them on in the bed too?
Okay, that's your issue. You dealt with something in childhood regarding feet. There's no other explanation for that. That's ridiculous.
Okay, that's your issue. You dealt with something in childhood regarding feet. There's no other explanation for that. That's ridiculous.
I agree. I agree.
I agree. I agree.
should not be allowed to entertain so they're a british person huh uh that immediately brings up india that brings that they were they were probably all those british soldiers were all up in people's homes with their shoes on yeah of course they were all these different they're just they're like they couldn't they didn't take the shoes off that's a mindset colonial mindset that's a colonial mindset dude they don't care
should not be allowed to entertain so they're a british person huh uh that immediately brings up india that brings that they were they were probably all those british soldiers were all up in people's homes with their shoes on yeah of course they were all these different they're just they're like they couldn't they didn't take the shoes off that's a mindset colonial mindset that's a colonial mindset dude they don't care
And the colonial mindset says, I know it's your house, but fuck it, that's not the way I do it. That is the colonial mindset. If you're saying that I have to do something that I wouldn't normally do, you shouldn't be allowed to exist. Then throw your parties. Amen. I don't like that one bit. I don't like that one bit, Kareem. Well, the thing is, a lot of people were like... Oh, who was it?
And the colonial mindset says, I know it's your house, but fuck it, that's not the way I do it. That is the colonial mindset. If you're saying that I have to do something that I wouldn't normally do, you shouldn't be allowed to exist. Then throw your parties. Amen. I don't like that one bit. I don't like that one bit, Kareem. Well, the thing is, a lot of people were like... Oh, who was it?
It felt good.
It felt good.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
Because I want my heart to break if it was Emma Mackey. No, no, no, no. It was just like a normal person.
Because I want my heart to break if it was Emma Mackey. No, no, no, no. It was just like a normal person.
What?
What?
Was it J.K. Rowling? Was that the author? Oh, man. First the trans thing, now this. This is, it's going at it. It wasn't her.
Was it J.K. Rowling? Was that the author? Oh, man. First the trans thing, now this. This is, it's going at it. It wasn't her.
That one should go viral big time because that is a gutsy thing to say. That's absurd.
That one should go viral big time because that is a gutsy thing to say. That's absurd.
Did you say street rat? Please tell me.
Did you say street rat? Please tell me.
Calling a posh person a street rat, that's well done, Karina.
Calling a posh person a street rat, that's well done, Karina.
But she works independently? She can't get fired?
But she works independently? She can't get fired?
Yeah, I think if that's your goal, it definitely had that. And also, it was so compelling, a random stranger decided to jump into the video not thinking it was a video, which is just, that's an unexpected home run right there. Who would have thought that would have happened?
Yeah, I think if that's your goal, it definitely had that. And also, it was so compelling, a random stranger decided to jump into the video not thinking it was a video, which is just, that's an unexpected home run right there. Who would have thought that would have happened?
Why can't I step on all your nice things with my filthy feet? I don't understand with my shoes on. I don't. All these nice things you've collected, why can't I just literally trample over them?
Why can't I step on all your nice things with my filthy feet? I don't understand with my shoes on. I don't. All these nice things you've collected, why can't I just literally trample over them?
I do that sometimes, too. It's not a good thing.
I do that sometimes, too. It's not a good thing.
And the bed's right there, right behind me. Of course.
And the bed's right there, right behind me. Of course.
What about wearing? Wearing outside clothes. Yeah. They change their outside clothes before they get into bed. Yeah. And the logic being because their clothes have been outside and they're filthy and they don't want that into their bed. Yet the shoes thing? Well, the clothes are the shoes of the body.
What about wearing? Wearing outside clothes. Yeah. They change their outside clothes before they get into bed. Yeah. And the logic being because their clothes have been outside and they're filthy and they don't want that into their bed. Yet the shoes thing? Well, the clothes are the shoes of the body.
Or the shoes are the clothes of the feet. Yes.
Or the shoes are the clothes of the feet. Yes.
You sleep under the blanket.
You sleep under the blanket.
Well, you found a way to get around, yeah.
Well, you found a way to get around, yeah.
Also, I mean, again, living in New York, you're sitting on subway seats, like, pumping into people. There's all sorts of who knows what.
Also, I mean, again, living in New York, you're sitting on subway seats, like, pumping into people. There's all sorts of who knows what.
that's what I do with my kid that's funny I do that with my kid but I myself don't do that regularly that's because you're an adult man it's a bummer because I'm doing the right thing for him but I'm not modeling the behavior well you're too busy changing him I think it should be socially acceptable to sit next to somebody when you go out to eat instead of across huh But how do you talk to them?
that's what I do with my kid that's funny I do that with my kid but I myself don't do that regularly that's because you're an adult man it's a bummer because I'm doing the right thing for him but I'm not modeling the behavior well you're too busy changing him I think it should be socially acceptable to sit next to somebody when you go out to eat instead of across huh But how do you talk to them?
I guess you'd be talking closely, right?
I guess you'd be talking closely, right?
Hell, on the subway, I'm usually sitting next to my friend. I'm not sitting across from them.
Hell, on the subway, I'm usually sitting next to my friend. I'm not sitting across from them.
Do people do that?
Do people do that?
It's probably a white thing. Dad plus the shoe thing. Man, there's something going on there. I think they do weird things.
It's probably a white thing. Dad plus the shoe thing. Man, there's something going on there. I think they do weird things.
Yeah, per day probably.
Yeah, per day probably.
Probably buying socks every single day. I mean, if I could afford it, I would. I really would. I wear very nice socks. The ones I'm wearing right now have rocket ships on them.
Probably buying socks every single day. I mean, if I could afford it, I would. I really would. I wear very nice socks. The ones I'm wearing right now have rocket ships on them.
No, I've never been to Paris.
No, I've never been to Paris.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
It's also a great way to people watch and talk shit.
It's also a great way to people watch and talk shit.
It's set up for you to judge others and talk shit.
It's set up for you to judge others and talk shit.
I'm very critical of the French, but I'm not going to say shit about that. I like that very much.
I'm very critical of the French, but I'm not going to say shit about that. I like that very much.
Dude, I mean, I already told you about the whole thing with Haiti and France.
Dude, I mean, I already told you about the whole thing with Haiti and France.
That whole thing with the reparations. Also, the Burka laws, the anti-Burka laws and all that.
That whole thing with the reparations. Also, the Burka laws, the anti-Burka laws and all that.
I know just enough to appear smart, but I know that they banned headscarves in a lot of places in France. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what did you call it? The what? Burqa ban.
I know just enough to appear smart, but I know that they banned headscarves in a lot of places in France. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what did you call it? The what? Burqa ban.
I just hate that every fashion week in Paris, you see the most odd, basically abstract art clothes, and they look absurd. But if somebody with love in their heart chooses to wear something... as a sign of their faith? Nah, we don't like that. If you're wearing that for fashion, we're all about it. But if you have an actual belief behind it, no way, bro. That's not how we do it here.
I just hate that every fashion week in Paris, you see the most odd, basically abstract art clothes, and they look absurd. But if somebody with love in their heart chooses to wear something... as a sign of their faith? Nah, we don't like that. If you're wearing that for fashion, we're all about it. But if you have an actual belief behind it, no way, bro. That's not how we do it here.
What can you do? They don't like beliefs. Cheese is great, though. They're really good with cheese.
What can you do? They don't like beliefs. Cheese is great, though. They're really good with cheese.
I'm... I'm pro. For the sake of not being weird, I'd sit across from them. But I don't see it as that big a deal to sit next to them.
I'm... I'm pro. For the sake of not being weird, I'd sit across from them. But I don't see it as that big a deal to sit next to them.
All right, 100%. I'll go 100%. I'm all in.
All right, 100%. I'll go 100%. I'm all in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was more surprised that, I mean, first of all, when he said, why are you talking into your MetroCards? It was very bizarre. Like these two weirdos are talking into their MetroCards and you decided to interrupt two weirdos talking into their MetroCards. He had no idea it was being recorded, but.
I was more surprised that, I mean, first of all, when he said, why are you talking into your MetroCards? It was very bizarre. Like these two weirdos are talking into their MetroCards and you decided to interrupt two weirdos talking into their MetroCards. He had no idea it was being recorded, but.
No, these are nuanced topics. They're not really possible. They involve a great deal of discussion. You're asking for a yes or no. That's very difficult.
No, these are nuanced topics. They're not really possible. They involve a great deal of discussion. You're asking for a yes or no. That's very difficult.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't, because it's 100%. Have to? I don't like the have to. Did he say have to or should? He said should, and now it's on YouTube. Oh, now that's interesting.
I don't, because it's 100%. Have to? I don't like the have to. Did he say have to or should? He said should, and now it's on YouTube. Oh, now that's interesting.
Huh. I remember in the episode you defined butt stuff.
Huh. I remember in the episode you defined butt stuff.
You could be something you do to yourself.
You could be something you do to yourself.
If it was to do to myself for the sake of experimentation, I...
If it was to do to myself for the sake of experimentation, I...
But I know the sensation feels good in that example, as opposed to... True. I really... I mean, I understand Nick's point. Like, Nick's point is that we're so close-minded to our sexuality, and also it is a way to actually question homophobia, because you don't know what you like if you haven't tried it. And so there is something to...
But I know the sensation feels good in that example, as opposed to... True. I really... I mean, I understand Nick's point. Like, Nick's point is that we're so close-minded to our sexuality, and also it is a way to actually question homophobia, because you don't know what you like if you haven't tried it. And so there is something to...
If straight men actually try it and like the sensation, that would probably affect how they feel about, you know, their sexuality and sexuality in general.
If straight men actually try it and like the sensation, that would probably affect how they feel about, you know, their sexuality and sexuality in general.
I'm 42, though. I feel like this is something I should have done many years ago.
I'm 42, though. I feel like this is something I should have done many years ago.
You broke your arm? The wrist just stopped working, and I had to have surgery for it.
You broke your arm? The wrist just stopped working, and I had to have surgery for it.
That already tells you these are two very strange people if you think we're just talking into our MetroCards for no clear reason.
That already tells you these are two very strange people if you think we're just talking into our MetroCards for no clear reason.
No. I'm telling you. That's why the butt stuff might not be a good idea, because God knows what's going to happen. I tore calf muscles playing pickleball shortly after I turned 40. Pickleball. That is not a sport you should be tearing calf muscles.
No. I'm telling you. That's why the butt stuff might not be a good idea, because God knows what's going to happen. I tore calf muscles playing pickleball shortly after I turned 40. Pickleball. That is not a sport you should be tearing calf muscles.
That's true. Yeah, it's really for elderly people. I thought I was going to dominate, and that's why I wanted to play because I've never been good at sports. But I'm like, I'm playing a bunch of 80-year-olds. I'm the young stud in town, and they kicked my ass. They were very good.
That's true. Yeah, it's really for elderly people. I thought I was going to dominate, and that's why I wanted to play because I've never been good at sports. But I'm like, I'm playing a bunch of 80-year-olds. I'm the young stud in town, and they kicked my ass. They were very good.
Okay, that's good to know.
Okay, that's good to know.
I think Nick really, because initially when Nick said it, I'm like, come on, Nick, come on. What are you talking about? But then when you really think about it, it does kind of force you to think about sexuality in a way that maybe a lot of men don't want to think about it. A lot of straight men don't want to think about something that they perceive as gay.
I think Nick really, because initially when Nick said it, I'm like, come on, Nick, come on. What are you talking about? But then when you really think about it, it does kind of force you to think about sexuality in a way that maybe a lot of men don't want to think about it. A lot of straight men don't want to think about something that they perceive as gay.
Oh, I remember the whole metrosexual thing. Yeah, that's when everybody was so homophobic, they came up with the term to justify it. To be what they wanted to be, to dress the way they wanted to dress. Or to be homophobic.
Oh, I remember the whole metrosexual thing. Yeah, that's when everybody was so homophobic, they came up with the term to justify it. To be what they wanted to be, to dress the way they wanted to dress. Or to be homophobic.
Metrosexual, what that does is that gives you the freedom to wear what you want without being called gay. That's so funny. I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.
Metrosexual, what that does is that gives you the freedom to wear what you want without being called gay. That's so funny. I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.
It was a way around it.
It was a way around it.
People were too uncomfortable. And it's clear they had to make it a city thing. Yeah, they made it urban. Cities are gay. That's basically what they're saying.
People were too uncomfortable. And it's clear they had to make it a city thing. Yeah, they made it urban. Cities are gay. That's basically what they're saying.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They don't use that anymore. Is that still a used term?
They don't use that anymore. Is that still a used term?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And heterosexual. Yeah.
And heterosexual. Yeah.
Metrosexual?
Metrosexual?
Oh. cool that's the best thing a simpson did in 94 no the simpsons all right i was because oj what happened in 94
Oh. cool that's the best thing a simpson did in 94 no the simpsons all right i was because oj what happened in 94
oh yeah that was a i mean that was arguably cool not the murder no not the murder just as a ridiculous thing that happened no the chase was cool oh i mean it wasn't cool it was so slow yeah but it was that's why it was cool it was like a cartoon it was it was and i just remember trying to watch the next game and i'm like i just want to watch the next game right now and i gotta
oh yeah that was a i mean that was arguably cool not the murder no not the murder just as a ridiculous thing that happened no the chase was cool oh i mean it wasn't cool it was so slow yeah but it was that's why it was cool it was like a cartoon it was it was and i just remember trying to watch the next game and i'm like i just want to watch the next game right now and i gotta
We're seeing OJ Simpson. Somebody I didn't even know other than as an announcer because I was like 12. This announcer, guy from the Naked Gun, might kill himself.
We're seeing OJ Simpson. Somebody I didn't even know other than as an announcer because I was like 12. This announcer, guy from the Naked Gun, might kill himself.
Al Cowlings. I wish I didn't know these things. Who's that? Al Cowlings is a football buddy of OJ's and he was driving the car and OJ might have had a gun to his head or threatened to kill himself. And... AC was just going for, I don't know why they went for a ride.
Al Cowlings. I wish I didn't know these things. Who's that? Al Cowlings is a football buddy of OJ's and he was driving the car and OJ might have had a gun to his head or threatened to kill himself. And... AC was just going for, I don't know why they went for a ride.
Ah, man. Imagine living a whole life and that's the thing that you're known for?
Ah, man. Imagine living a whole life and that's the thing that you're known for?
Yeah. I feel like, based on everything I know, and as a layman, he must be guilty. But somebody... suggested that maybe he was innocent and it was his son that did it. So he's covering for his kid almost.
Yeah. I feel like, based on everything I know, and as a layman, he must be guilty. But somebody... suggested that maybe he was innocent and it was his son that did it. So he's covering for his kid almost.
That would be an interesting term. But he also released a book called If I Did It, where he laid out what it would have been like if he had, in fact, did it. Killed his ex-wife.
That would be an interesting term. But he also released a book called If I Did It, where he laid out what it would have been like if he had, in fact, did it. Killed his ex-wife.
Yeah. Gotta get that money. I'm not saying I did it, but if I did do it, I would do all the things everyone assumed I did.
Yeah. Gotta get that money. I'm not saying I did it, but if I did do it, I would do all the things everyone assumed I did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man. It's gonna be hard to top the state one, huh?
Oh, man. It's gonna be hard to top the state one, huh?
I gotta think. Let me think, man. I don't know if I have another take on me right now. Fresh take? Like, just spur of the moment? I don't have one on me.
I gotta think. Let me think, man. I don't know if I have another take on me right now. Fresh take? Like, just spur of the moment? I don't have one on me.
Can I bum a take? Give me a take I can steal.
Can I bum a take? Give me a take I can steal.
I don't have any on me right now. Literally. As a comedian, this is especially bad, since I should probably have joke ideas.
I don't have any on me right now. Literally. As a comedian, this is especially bad, since I should probably have joke ideas.
I'm looking at my threads, and I remember I don't really update my threads. Do you know what happened to me today, though?
I'm looking at my threads, and I remember I don't really update my threads. Do you know what happened to me today, though?
And it's like, sir, there are cameras behind you, clearly. He goes, oh! What is this, New York? People just filming things constantly on the subway? I've never been on the internet before.
And it's like, sir, there are cameras behind you, clearly. He goes, oh! What is this, New York? People just filming things constantly on the subway? I've never been on the internet before.
A white dude in a... Well, I was walking my four-year-old. I was walking with my kid, walking with my four-year-old. A white dude in a car rolled down his window and called me a fucking baboon. What?
A white dude in a... Well, I was walking my four-year-old. I was walking with my kid, walking with my four-year-old. A white dude in a car rolled down his window and called me a fucking baboon. What?
And then started making monkey noises and drove away.
And then started making monkey noises and drove away.
My first thought is I need to shave. No, I mean, I was. That's my take. My take is that that should be punishable by death.
My first thought is I need to shave. No, I mean, I was. That's my take. My take is that that should be punishable by death.
And I'm against the death penalty, by the way. I'm against the death penalty.
And I'm against the death penalty, by the way. I'm against the death penalty.
Just that one guy. Oh, okay, just him. Just that one guy who had the audacity to ruin my day by yelling that in front of my kid.
Just that one guy. Oh, okay, just him. Just that one guy who had the audacity to ruin my day by yelling that in front of my kid.
I think he might have been an open-minded bigot. Sometimes racists surprise me in how they hate people of color in a universal way. I don't think they always rank. Right, right, right.
I think he might have been an open-minded bigot. Sometimes racists surprise me in how they hate people of color in a universal way. I don't think they always rank. Right, right, right.
Usually, I mean, because historically, like Sand Edward was like the big one. Classic. Post 9-11, that was the one I got the most. But even that one, it was like saying, I hate you, but only in comparison to my hatred of black people.
Usually, I mean, because historically, like Sand Edward was like the big one. Classic. Post 9-11, that was the one I got the most. But even that one, it was like saying, I hate you, but only in comparison to my hatred of black people.
We didn't have our own fresh new slur, really.
We didn't have our own fresh new slur, really.
They're not checking.
They're not checking.
They're not doing the 23andMe before they yell out of a car. They're not asking, hey, what part of the world are you from? Is there sand there? Like, you know, it's not. Southern India is tropical.
They're not doing the 23andMe before they yell out of a car. They're not asking, hey, what part of the world are you from? Is there sand there? Like, you know, it's not. Southern India is tropical.
That's true.
That's true.
Yes.
Yes.
Man, you know what? This podcast has something for everybody. If you're against racism, hey, this is the podcast. If you're for racism, this is the kind of discussion that I'm sure racists have. Like, who is this? Who is the sandiest of the Sand Edwards? Let's think about this.
Man, you know what? This podcast has something for everybody. If you're against racism, hey, this is the podcast. If you're for racism, this is the kind of discussion that I'm sure racists have. Like, who is this? Who is the sandiest of the Sand Edwards? Let's think about this.
I just got a take. I just have a take.
I just got a take. I just have a take.
Tanning salons should have to be taxed some percentage that goes to people of color for stealing their color.
Tanning salons should have to be taxed some percentage that goes to people of color for stealing their color.
Yes, that's... You're just darkening people up. You didn't ask us. We have the dark skin. It's the real deal. And we get taxed through racism.
Yes, that's... You're just darkening people up. You didn't ask us. We have the dark skin. It's the real deal. And we get taxed through racism.
So where's our cut?
So where's our cut?
How much of a difference does it make?
How much of a difference does it make?
Yeah, man. I'm doing a big show at the Gramercy on May 29th, which I want everybody there. And then Houston on May 30th and 31st at the Punchline. And when does this come out, man? Is this coming out this week? I think next week. Or no, this week. If it comes out this week, I'm going to be in Baltimore on the 3rd of April at the Creative Alliance. So those are the big gigs coming up.
Yeah, man. I'm doing a big show at the Gramercy on May 29th, which I want everybody there. And then Houston on May 30th and 31st at the Punchline. And when does this come out, man? Is this coming out this week? I think next week. Or no, this week. If it comes out this week, I'm going to be in Baltimore on the 3rd of April at the Creative Alliance. So those are the big gigs coming up.
But for the New York people, like May 29th, baby, that's going to be a fun show. May 29th at the Gramercy. Amazing. Well, where can people follow you? You can follow me at Hari Kondabolu. So what you do is you type in Hari and K. That's H-A-R-I. H-A-R-I-K. And then you'll see Hari Kondabolu because I don't think you're going to be able to spell it.
But for the New York people, like May 29th, baby, that's going to be a fun show. May 29th at the Gramercy. Amazing. Well, where can people follow you? You can follow me at Hari Kondabolu. So what you do is you type in Hari and K. That's H-A-R-I. H-A-R-I-K. And then you'll see Hari Kondabolu because I don't think you're going to be able to spell it.
So just go with Hari K and then let them fill in the blank for you. Let the gods guide you. Yes.
So just go with Hari K and then let them fill in the blank for you. Let the gods guide you. Yes.
It's been a pleasure. It's been wonderful.
It's been a pleasure. It's been wonderful.
That's my brother. And that's my sister. That's wild.
That's my brother. And that's my sister. That's wild.
Let's see. Do I have any regrets with regards to the subway take?
Let's see. Do I have any regrets with regards to the subway take?
I didn't address Florida, which I regret because that's the obvious one, which it was in the original version of the Subway take, which I've since posted because I made sure to run it once. As a comic, we just tend to run things once before we put ideas out there. It was Floribama. The idea was to put Florida and Alabama together versus Florida, Alabama and Mississippi.
I didn't address Florida, which I regret because that's the obvious one, which it was in the original version of the Subway take, which I've since posted because I made sure to run it once. As a comic, we just tend to run things once before we put ideas out there. It was Floribama. The idea was to put Florida and Alabama together versus Florida, Alabama and Mississippi.
But then I just felt guilty adding Florida's baggage to another state. It just felt not right. They're their own entity. And then I was stuck because I chose not to cut states off, but to try to put states together. So Florida was just there. I should have sold Florida back to Spain. I think that's probably what I should have done.
But then I just felt guilty adding Florida's baggage to another state. It just felt not right. They're their own entity. And then I was stuck because I chose not to cut states off, but to try to put states together. So Florida was just there. I should have sold Florida back to Spain. I think that's probably what I should have done.
Yeah, it looks like we could cut America's dick off.
Yeah, it looks like we could cut America's dick off.
That's an insane take. That is an insane take.
That's an insane take. That is an insane take.
I think it's easier to build the island than to remove a peninsula like that.
I think it's easier to build the island than to remove a peninsula like that.
I mean, if there was ever a time for something like that, it would be now. I feel like everything's on the tape. That's one thing I have some regret over, too. I wish I had thought about my take in the larger context of the country, because people started putting in the comments... What are you working for Trump? Trump would love this.
I mean, if there was ever a time for something like that, it would be now. I feel like everything's on the tape. That's one thing I have some regret over, too. I wish I had thought about my take in the larger context of the country, because people started putting in the comments... What are you working for Trump? Trump would love this.
And I thought about later, I'm like, this doesn't sound like a doge plan, doesn't it? It sounds like a way to save money.
And I thought about later, I'm like, this doesn't sound like a doge plan, doesn't it? It sounds like a way to save money.
Now Greenland's like, it's all the rage.
Now Greenland's like, it's all the rage.
I mean, right there, it seems like that's a no-go. I don't think Denmark does. I don't believe Denmark does. Is that who owns Greenland? Yes, or at least has the control of it, whatever.
I mean, right there, it seems like that's a no-go. I don't think Denmark does. I don't believe Denmark does. Is that who owns Greenland? Yes, or at least has the control of it, whatever.
I guess, yeah. Like, they have their own government and stuff like that. Yeah, I suppose so. It's very bizarre. It is very bizarre that we're making this an issue. Like, why are we talking about... Like, why is Trump going after Greenland, exactly? He says it's strategic?
I guess, yeah. Like, they have their own government and stuff like that. Yeah, I suppose so. It's very bizarre. It is very bizarre that we're making this an issue. Like, why are we talking about... Like, why is Trump going after Greenland, exactly? He says it's strategic?
Yeah, but based on that, you want to put the U.S. Army everywhere. Well, it is everywhere. It is everywhere. Usually you don't strategically put it like, oh, right in front of our allies.
Yeah, but based on that, you want to put the U.S. Army everywhere. Well, it is everywhere. It is everywhere. Usually you don't strategically put it like, oh, right in front of our allies.
Is it Star Trek or ASAP?
Is it Star Trek or ASAP?
Live long and prosper, Star Trek.
Live long and prosper, Star Trek.
Yeah, but I'm also thinking like. ASAP fans who are Trekkies, that's a cross section.
Yeah, but I'm also thinking like. ASAP fans who are Trekkies, that's a cross section.
100% agree. All right, we start out with Dakota. We don't need two Dakotas. South and North Dakota are one Dakota now. And still, that's me being nice.
100% agree. All right, we start out with Dakota. We don't need two Dakotas. South and North Dakota are one Dakota now. And still, that's me being nice.
And also, it was pointed out that me saying I want the part of Ontario with Toronto is actually where the most population is. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like taking the best part. It's like saying, yeah, you can take the bun. I'll take the hot dog.
And also, it was pointed out that me saying I want the part of Ontario with Toronto is actually where the most population is. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like taking the best part. It's like saying, yeah, you can take the bun. I'll take the hot dog.
You don't want the meaty innards?
You don't want the meaty innards?
Really?
Really?
I just think Toronto is a dope city, and I would love to own that. Oh, I sound Trumpian. I do sound... Holy crap. I didn't know I had that in me. That's straight up Trump talk right there. You got that dog in you.
I just think Toronto is a dope city, and I would love to own that. Oh, I sound Trumpian. I do sound... Holy crap. I didn't know I had that in me. That's straight up Trump talk right there. You got that dog in you.
That's still barely a state, but fine. One Carolina.
That's still barely a state, but fine. One Carolina.
Sure. Well, it came from my dear friend W. Kamau Bell and I have had this ongoing argument for years. Because he believes that the NBA is too big and we should be cutting like half the teams. in order to make a better league.
Sure. Well, it came from my dear friend W. Kamau Bell and I have had this ongoing argument for years. Because he believes that the NBA is too big and we should be cutting like half the teams. in order to make a better league.
Three gone right there. Number four, Rhode Island. It's a vestigial organ off of Massachusetts. You're going to cut it off? It has to go back to Massachusetts. Oh, it's being absorbed. Yep. Alabama, Mississippi, one state.
Three gone right there. Number four, Rhode Island. It's a vestigial organ off of Massachusetts. You're going to cut it off? It has to go back to Massachusetts. Oh, it's being absorbed. Yep. Alabama, Mississippi, one state.
And I'm like, you can't just cut, because you're talking about communities, you're talking about traditions, like it would screw everything up and no one, they're going to expand, they're not going to shrink. But he's convinced they need to cut certain teams. And I've argued with him for years that I just applied that logic to states.
And I'm like, you can't just cut, because you're talking about communities, you're talking about traditions, like it would screw everything up and no one, they're going to expand, they're not going to shrink. But he's convinced they need to cut certain teams. And I've argued with him for years that I just applied that logic to states.
What if we had the same ridiculous argument, except in a situation that's even less likely, which is the United States of America. People seem to be pretty good with combining the Dakotas. They were fine with that. The Carolinas, they were upset about because they felt like South Carolina was drastically different from North Carolina. I've been to both. I get what they're saying, but I don't care.
What if we had the same ridiculous argument, except in a situation that's even less likely, which is the United States of America. People seem to be pretty good with combining the Dakotas. They were fine with that. The Carolinas, they were upset about because they felt like South Carolina was drastically different from North Carolina. I've been to both. I get what they're saying, but I don't care.
Oh, there's definitely going to be issues. Yeah, without a doubt. The West Virginia, Virginia one, there's some history there, and there's a larger history that kind of is like, yeah, I guess I get why they're separate.
Oh, there's definitely going to be issues. Yeah, without a doubt. The West Virginia, Virginia one, there's some history there, and there's a larger history that kind of is like, yeah, I guess I get why they're separate.
They wouldn't even know. There are not enough people to know. Wasn't there a North? It changes nothing.
They wouldn't even know. There are not enough people to know. Wasn't there a North? It changes nothing.
They really are. I found out about the Japanese eggplant. Oh, well, listen, well, I mean, the actual Japanese eggplant, but also for the for the kind of clarity of what we were doing. I've also seen those two. I've also seen Japanese. It wasn't even wasn't even pixelated.
They really are. I found out about the Japanese eggplant. Oh, well, listen, well, I mean, the actual Japanese eggplant, but also for the for the kind of clarity of what we were doing. I've also seen those two. I've also seen Japanese. It wasn't even wasn't even pixelated.
It was awesome. Listen, you can bring it back. I don't hate it. But tell me who gets the wide brim. We can call it the Nashville.
It was awesome. Listen, you can bring it back. I don't hate it. But tell me who gets the wide brim. We can call it the Nashville.
Okay, and that's just white people, white boys, white women?
Okay, and that's just white people, white boys, white women?
Okay, where's the stagecoach?
Okay, where's the stagecoach?
Do you understand how many pheasants are going around assless because of Cam Newton? Come on.
Do you understand how many pheasants are going around assless because of Cam Newton? Come on.
He's got a lot going on. Okay, so we got these hats.
He's got a lot going on. Okay, so we got these hats.
What's crazy is he wears all his hats and we still know he's bald. He's been bald from the jump. He's never had hair.
What's crazy is he wears all his hats and we still know he's bald. He's been bald from the jump. He's never had hair.
He's never not been bald. I think... I would argue he's probably bald when he came out. That's how babies work.
He's never not been bald. I think... I would argue he's probably bald when he came out. That's how babies work.
Hell yeah, you heard it here first. Put on a thong, straight boys.
Hell yeah, you heard it here first. Put on a thong, straight boys.
No. Old English gentleman can wear it.
No. Old English gentleman can wear it.
I even think, you know who I'm going to say? I'm going to say if it's a Kangol and you are Samuel L. Jackson, go.
I even think, you know who I'm going to say? I'm going to say if it's a Kangol and you are Samuel L. Jackson, go.
My friend, my friend Mandel, who's getting he's not as old as me, but he's getting on up there. He started rocking the newsboy. He started rocking the newsboy short sleeve button up linen shirts, linen pants, fisherman sandals. It's a complete look and I don't hate it. And it's one I'm going to revisit come 45.
My friend, my friend Mandel, who's getting he's not as old as me, but he's getting on up there. He started rocking the newsboy. He started rocking the newsboy short sleeve button up linen shirts, linen pants, fisherman sandals. It's a complete look and I don't hate it. And it's one I'm going to revisit come 45.
I literally go into the white. Listen, this is why we get along. A lot of a lot of people don't. think that queer men and straight men can get along when it comes to fashion because they think gay boys are going to call straight boys ugly and they think that straight boys are going to call gay boys correct. They think that's gonna happen. But look at us, building bridges, creating alliances.
I literally go into the white. Listen, this is why we get along. A lot of a lot of people don't. think that queer men and straight men can get along when it comes to fashion because they think gay boys are going to call straight boys ugly and they think that straight boys are going to call gay boys correct. They think that's gonna happen. But look at us, building bridges, creating alliances.
Forming unions.
Forming unions.
And huge fan of both the social media series and the podcast, now that I'm on here. And my first response to Jordan is, did he see the comments, what people were saying about his outfit? Yeah.
And huge fan of both the social media series and the podcast, now that I'm on here. And my first response to Jordan is, did he see the comments, what people were saying about his outfit? Yeah.
Is it... It's a little... So it is skinnier and I think it has marbling. I think it's like one of the pretty ones.
Is it... It's a little... So it is skinnier and I think it has marbling. I think it's like one of the pretty ones.
Did he see what people said about his textured jacket? That's my first thought. My second thought is he's not 100% wrong because everyone thinks every gay man is a style icon and they forget a lot of gay guys dress like they're going to or coming from kickball. We...
Did he see what people said about his textured jacket? That's my first thought. My second thought is he's not 100% wrong because everyone thinks every gay man is a style icon and they forget a lot of gay guys dress like they're going to or coming from kickball. We...
There is a type of gay that loves a drawstring backpack on clouds, that weird cut of shorts where it's just like the seven inchers, the nine inchers.
There is a type of gay that loves a drawstring backpack on clouds, that weird cut of shorts where it's just like the seven inchers, the nine inchers.
and uh fucking is that long or short i feel like that's long that's long but it's not long enough or baggy enough to actually be a fun silhouette it's just it's mid in every way it's mid thigh it's mid and you belong in the midwest if you wear some shit like that no hate no hate no hate we love chicago i'm not talking about you minneapolis i'm not talking about you cleveland i am talking about you
and uh fucking is that long or short i feel like that's long that's long but it's not long enough or baggy enough to actually be a fun silhouette it's just it's mid in every way it's mid thigh it's mid and you belong in the midwest if you wear some shit like that no hate no hate no hate we love chicago i'm not talking about you minneapolis i'm not talking about you cleveland i am talking about you
cincinnati cincinnati you're just kentucky the ohio river is doing a lot of work cincinnati well to our seven listeners in uh cincinnati i'm very sorry for yeah what jay's talking yeah talking a little shit fuck you and joe burrow i said it i said it that boy went to lsu i don't care about him don't be mean to them Okay, you're right. Joe Burrow's cute. I've always said this about Joe Burrow.
cincinnati cincinnati you're just kentucky the ohio river is doing a lot of work cincinnati well to our seven listeners in uh cincinnati i'm very sorry for yeah what jay's talking yeah talking a little shit fuck you and joe burrow i said it i said it that boy went to lsu i don't care about him don't be mean to them Okay, you're right. Joe Burrow's cute. I've always said this about Joe Burrow.
My favorite lesbian.
My favorite lesbian.
Joe Burrow, he's a quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals. Do you like how I said I don't know what that is because I thought it was a city? You said I don't know what that is about Joe Burrow.
Joe Burrow, he's a quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals. Do you like how I said I don't know what that is because I thought it was a city? You said I don't know what that is about Joe Burrow.
You thought it was Joe Burrow, like Jonesboro.
You thought it was Joe Burrow, like Jonesboro.
What's Joe Burrow? Joe Burrow, where's that? I don't know. Wait, so this is a guy? This is a guy. Every now and then, he takes a big fashion swing. Wait, why do you know Joe Burrow? Because I love college football. Oh. He was a big college football player for LSU. Then he got drafted by the Bengals, took him to one Super Bowl. He's good. He's a good quarterback. This funky-ass white boy?
What's Joe Burrow? Joe Burrow, where's that? I don't know. Wait, so this is a guy? This is a guy. Every now and then, he takes a big fashion swing. Wait, why do you know Joe Burrow? Because I love college football. Oh. He was a big college football player for LSU. Then he got drafted by the Bengals, took him to one Super Bowl. He's good. He's a good quarterback. This funky-ass white boy?
This funky-ass white boy. Yeah.
This funky-ass white boy. Yeah.
Oh, my God. That's a great description of him, too.
Oh, my God. That's a great description of him, too.
Listen, I love a funky-ass white boy that stays in his lane. That's kind of like the problem. Perfect. Whenever you see, whenever I'm on TikTok and I see a white boy adding a guitar solo to a song, I'm like, hell yeah. Keep going. You do what you were born to do. Add another one. Yeah, add another one. That's beautiful. Listen, I want them doing that. I don't want them listening to Fresh and Fit.
Listen, I love a funky-ass white boy that stays in his lane. That's kind of like the problem. Perfect. Whenever you see, whenever I'm on TikTok and I see a white boy adding a guitar solo to a song, I'm like, hell yeah. Keep going. You do what you were born to do. Add another one. Yeah, add another one. That's beautiful. Listen, I want them doing that. I don't want them listening to Fresh and Fit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I... First of all, love anime. But... But my... my take on penises, and this is a take on your take, my take, penises, they're like three versions of your penis. Have you thought about this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I... First of all, love anime. But... But my... my take on penises, and this is a take on your take, my take, penises, they're like three versions of your penis. Have you thought about this?
I want them doing that instead. I don't want them talking about how they need to be alphas. You go ahead and shred. Get some licks in.
I want them doing that instead. I don't want them talking about how they need to be alphas. You go ahead and shred. Get some licks in.
that's what i want out of them go ahead and shred that's how we get a pop punk renaissance is we give these white boys these guitars wait speaking of a pop punk renaissance i discovered this band called paradox the paradox from atlanta they're oh my god sick oh my god those are oh my god boys yeah people on tiktok are calling them uh black 182 and i do i do laugh a lot at that
that's what i want out of them go ahead and shred that's how we get a pop punk renaissance is we give these white boys these guitars wait speaking of a pop punk renaissance i discovered this band called paradox the paradox from atlanta they're oh my god sick oh my god those are oh my god boys yeah people on tiktok are calling them uh black 182 and i do i do laugh a lot at that
Yeah.
Yeah.
Four little black teenagers with locks just like... Jamming. And I love it so much. Hit it.
Four little black teenagers with locks just like... Jamming. And I love it so much. Hit it.
Okay, so black people love pop punk because I'm trying to think, oh, Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. People don't know this. Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. That's why black people love Fall Out Boy. Because we heard something in Fall Out Boy. It's not just Patrick Stump's vocals because he spent so much time in Chicago. We know why he can sing like that.
Okay, so black people love pop punk because I'm trying to think, oh, Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. People don't know this. Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. That's why black people love Fall Out Boy. Because we heard something in Fall Out Boy. It's not just Patrick Stump's vocals because he spent so much time in Chicago. We know why he can sing like that.
There are three versions of your penis. I only know two. Okay. You know, okay. It's the default settings. I know soft and I know hard. Okay. But there's a magical place. The chub? In between. Soft and hard. Not just the chub. What I would refer to it as coming up, summertime penises.
There are three versions of your penis. I only know two. Okay. You know, okay. It's the default settings. I know soft and I know hard. Okay. But there's a magical place. The chub? In between. Soft and hard. Not just the chub. What I would refer to it as coming up, summertime penises.
I mean, what kind of like low key? Do you want there to be a Fall Out Boy song called Wagwan? Is that what you need?
I mean, what kind of like low key? Do you want there to be a Fall Out Boy song called Wagwan? Is that what you need?
Or Snow. Remember Snow? You want Pete Wentz to say, me don't do them things there. You want that? I do. I would like that. I would like that.
Or Snow. Remember Snow? You want Pete Wentz to say, me don't do them things there. You want that? I do. I would like that. I would like that.
He doesn't need to get dreads or anything, but I didn't know that.
He doesn't need to get dreads or anything, but I didn't know that.
Yeah, black people love pop punk primarily because at that time, we still had a little bit of monoculture. So if you were a black kid who woke up and had to get ready for school, you were watching MTV or MTV2. And they would give you like you get one rap video, one pop video, one pop punk video, one alternative video. You would just get you would get all of it. So that's why.
Yeah, black people love pop punk primarily because at that time, we still had a little bit of monoculture. So if you were a black kid who woke up and had to get ready for school, you were watching MTV or MTV2. And they would give you like you get one rap video, one pop video, one pop punk video, one alternative video. You would just get you would get all of it. So that's why.
That's why we love My Chemical Romance. My Chemical Romance loves black people so much, they named their second album, what? The Black Parade. When I talked to Gerard Way, he said he was going to call it the African American Parade, but I told him, no, no. Say black.
That's why we love My Chemical Romance. My Chemical Romance loves black people so much, they named their second album, what? The Black Parade. When I talked to Gerard Way, he said he was going to call it the African American Parade, but I told him, no, no. Say black.
Black Parade History Month. Come on.
Black Parade History Month. Come on.
You got a point. What's the first song from My Chemical Romance? I'm Not Okay. That was about
You got a point. What's the first song from My Chemical Romance? I'm Not Okay. That was about
crazy you are literally just being like what are they saying about me yeah you watching cnn is like me being like who said what that's not crazy no it's just i just have it on in the house it's either on mute or it's it's loud and i'm not watching but okay if it's on you you are an arab dad are you walking around arms folded standing up watching it of course yeah okay
crazy you are literally just being like what are they saying about me yeah you watching cnn is like me being like who said what that's not crazy no it's just i just have it on in the house it's either on mute or it's it's loud and i'm not watching but okay if it's on you you are an arab dad are you walking around arms folded standing up watching it of course yeah okay
In the summer, your penis, because of the heat of New York City and because of the amount of hot people outside, it's always a little bigger. It's always a little thicker. So this is the time to wear the Speedo, which was my take.
In the summer, your penis, because of the heat of New York City and because of the amount of hot people outside, it's always a little bigger. It's always a little thicker. So this is the time to wear the Speedo, which was my take.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm sure there's like a DJ there. I love that concept. I will definitely investigate now. But let's go back to... You're watching it on mute. Okay, you... No, no, the MTV Classics I've got popping. No, but the CNN is on mute. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to need you to get your fisherman sandals and your short-sleeved linen shirt now.
I'm sure there's like a DJ there. I love that concept. I will definitely investigate now. But let's go back to... You're watching it on mute. Okay, you... No, no, the MTV Classics I've got popping. No, but the CNN is on mute. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to need you to get your fisherman sandals and your short-sleeved linen shirt now.
You're there. You're there and...
You're there. You're there and...
We are at that age now when someone, I'm about to be 37, when my friends and or I do anything kind of older now, it's not an outlier. It's become the rule, not the exception.
We are at that age now when someone, I'm about to be 37, when my friends and or I do anything kind of older now, it's not an outlier. It's become the rule, not the exception.
I think it's beautiful. You have two choices.
I think it's beautiful. You have two choices.
Well, listen, I do have an okay body, but the old man, every now and then... You think that like you are going to be able to sprint to something. You know, when you see the amount of time every now and then there's a subway that has a sign outside of the actual entrance and you go, oh, the train's coming in like a minute. Let me go ahead and just sprint.
Well, listen, I do have an okay body, but the old man, every now and then... You think that like you are going to be able to sprint to something. You know, when you see the amount of time every now and then there's a subway that has a sign outside of the actual entrance and you go, oh, the train's coming in like a minute. Let me go ahead and just sprint.
And you sprint and you go, whoa, haven't done that in a while. Wow, wow, wow. Shouldn't have done it. Should have waited for next. The next train is coming in four minutes. Why'd I run?
And you sprint and you go, whoa, haven't done that in a while. Wow, wow, wow. Shouldn't have done it. Should have waited for next. The next train is coming in four minutes. Why'd I run?
Hearing a train going, I'm not going to make that. Hearing it is funny. I hear it and I go, whatever. I'm not going to run. What if I trip? Yeah, what if you trip? That is number one.
Hearing a train going, I'm not going to make that. Hearing it is funny. I hear it and I go, whatever. I'm not going to run. What if I trip? Yeah, what if you trip? That is number one.
Number one cause of actual foot injuries among people our age is like, oh, I just kind of stepped weird. What? And that was broken. What? Your doctor will be like, you have a hairline fracture. What happened? Well, I kind of stomped.
Number one cause of actual foot injuries among people our age is like, oh, I just kind of stepped weird. What? And that was broken. What? Your doctor will be like, you have a hairline fracture. What happened? Well, I kind of stomped.
I didn't wear my inserts.
I didn't wear my inserts.
Hey! What other old attributes are you rocking with? Let's look on the desk. I have a, oh my God. One actually happened very recently. This is, I actually skipped middle age and I went to elder care and I'm having to take note of this. I went to get something to eat. I was in the airport. I grabbed a napkin, I used that napkin and was about to throw it away.
Hey! What other old attributes are you rocking with? Let's look on the desk. I have a, oh my God. One actually happened very recently. This is, I actually skipped middle age and I went to elder care and I'm having to take note of this. I went to get something to eat. I was in the airport. I grabbed a napkin, I used that napkin and was about to throw it away.
So what's your take? Every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once. Compulsory service, you have to wear a Speedo at least once. I've never done it, and I'll never do it. Why? Are you scared? Of course. No, you shouldn't be scared. You hear that? You hear that?
So what's your take? Every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once. Compulsory service, you have to wear a Speedo at least once. I've never done it, and I'll never do it. Why? Are you scared? Of course. No, you shouldn't be scared. You hear that? You hear that?
But then I was like, oh, let me look and see if I can clean off my glasses with this napkin. Cut to 15 minutes later, Kareem, I'm still holding this napkin. I have become an old person that had a napkin.
But then I was like, oh, let me look and see if I can clean off my glasses with this napkin. Cut to 15 minutes later, Kareem, I'm still holding this napkin. I have become an old person that had a napkin.
I just had a paper towel situation walking around the airport wow at that point give me a chair to push me to my gate and wait and you were just holding this thing i held prepared prepared to wipe that's too oh i can't be there yet i can't i got to the delta lounge too early they told me i was too early i complained a little they let my old ass in
I just had a paper towel situation walking around the airport wow at that point give me a chair to push me to my gate and wait and you were just holding this thing i held prepared prepared to wipe that's too oh i can't be there yet i can't i got to the delta lounge too early they told me i was too early i complained a little they let my old ass in
They said, sir, it's usually like three hours before the flight. This was in Atlanta. Also, I know I'm getting older because I go, okay, here's a nice one. This is the secret one in the cut. They got a new one. I'll tell you. You can tell your listeners. Actually, I'll do your listening this time. If you're ever going, if you ever fly Delta, Jackson-Hartsfield International, D-Gate, new Sky Club.
They said, sir, it's usually like three hours before the flight. This was in Atlanta. Also, I know I'm getting older because I go, okay, here's a nice one. This is the secret one in the cut. They got a new one. I'll tell you. You can tell your listeners. Actually, I'll do your listening this time. If you're ever going, if you ever fly Delta, Jackson-Hartsfield International, D-Gate, new Sky Club.
Brand new Sky Club. Go to it. It was so new. They had three extra very nice Atlanta black women there waiting. They didn't know what to do.
Brand new Sky Club. Go to it. It was so new. They had three extra very nice Atlanta black women there waiting. They didn't know what to do.
They didn't even have enough guests. It's just me and Tisha saying what's up. So go to D-Gate. D-Gate, that's a good one. Okay, here's a secret one. Oh, I actually love people putting up. So if you go to... is it's A Gates by the P.F. Chang that's up the escalator. That Delta Sky Club has a skylight, had some amazing pulled pork and green beans and macaroni and cheese when I was there.
They didn't even have enough guests. It's just me and Tisha saying what's up. So go to D-Gate. D-Gate, that's a good one. Okay, here's a secret one. Oh, I actually love people putting up. So if you go to... is it's A Gates by the P.F. Chang that's up the escalator. That Delta Sky Club has a skylight, had some amazing pulled pork and green beans and macaroni and cheese when I was there.
That's a good one. That's a very good one. Some of the other ones, the T Gate one, Not so much. And I love you. I love Delta. You know, the play's been going up and coming down lately.
That's a good one. That's a very good one. Some of the other ones, the T Gate one, Not so much. And I love you. I love Delta. You know, the play's been going up and coming down lately.
That's the sound of thousands of women in the comment section saying, we're scared, but we have to be negative at the beach. Bruv.
That's the sound of thousands of women in the comment section saying, we're scared, but we have to be negative at the beach. Bruv.
You can play about anything. They'll go, we'll give you some money.
You can play about anything. They'll go, we'll give you some money.
That's a good fucking deal. And guess what? You are not even like really complaining. You're just letting them know. You're like, well, just so you know. Just so you know. Because every now and then, I won't even like do chat GPT. I'll go straight to that little conversation bubble on the app. I'll go. You go right in. I go, I have like a two-hour delay. And they go, let's do something about this.
That's a good fucking deal. And guess what? You are not even like really complaining. You're just letting them know. You're like, well, just so you know. Just so you know. Because every now and then, I won't even like do chat GPT. I'll go straight to that little conversation bubble on the app. I'll go. You go right in. I go, I have like a two-hour delay. And they go, let's do something about this.
Because here's the thing.
Because here's the thing.
No, no, no. A guy like me is not packing heat. Guess what? Guess what? We're going to see it anyway. Whenever you wear baggy swim trunks and they get wet and you get out of the pool, we see it anyway. No, you don't. No one sees it. There's nothing to see. We've all seen it. There's nothing to see. And plus, people aren't even looking at that.
No, no, no. A guy like me is not packing heat. Guess what? Guess what? We're going to see it anyway. Whenever you wear baggy swim trunks and they get wet and you get out of the pool, we see it anyway. No, you don't. No one sees it. There's nothing to see. We've all seen it. There's nothing to see. And plus, people aren't even looking at that.
But you know what's beautiful about that? I love the fact that we can have these mixed class relationships.
But you know what's beautiful about that? I love the fact that we can have these mixed class relationships.
Wait.
Wait.
yeah there's also there's also something to I think there is something to being aware that at least when it comes to flying in America and out of America there are different levels of experience and like you can save a lot of money like that was not always gonna have the cheapest flights but experiencing a little bit of comfort and being treated a little bit more like a human instead of
yeah there's also there's also something to I think there is something to being aware that at least when it comes to flying in America and out of America there are different levels of experience and like you can save a lot of money like that was not always gonna have the cheapest flights but experiencing a little bit of comfort and being treated a little bit more like a human instead of
Get off of her. Let her go. Yeah, stop fucking. She's gorgeous. I know you want to put another baby in her. Leave her alone.
Get off of her. Let her go. Yeah, stop fucking. She's gorgeous. I know you want to put another baby in her. Leave her alone.
Too many.
Too many.
You're looking? Of course I'm looking. Okay, so this is an internal fear. Ooh, you got to conquer that. No. Wear a speedo. I'm looking around.
You're looking? Of course I'm looking. Okay, so this is an internal fear. Ooh, you got to conquer that. No. Wear a speedo. I'm looking around.
Yeah, yeah. And when they strap two of those kids to the wings, you just know. You save a little bit of money so you can go to Orlando and blow it all. Yeah. They're not going to remember. Kids aren't going to remember. They don't remember the flights. No, it doesn't matter. Actually, I can say this because I don't have any kids and the CPS can't come for me. Drug them. With what? Robitussin?
Yeah, yeah. And when they strap two of those kids to the wings, you just know. You save a little bit of money so you can go to Orlando and blow it all. Yeah. They're not going to remember. Kids aren't going to remember. They don't remember the flights. No, it doesn't matter. Actually, I can say this because I don't have any kids and the CPS can't come for me. Drug them. With what? Robitussin?
A little bit of codeine. Robitussin. Yeah. Whatever knocks the kids out.
A little bit of codeine. Robitussin. Yeah. Whatever knocks the kids out.
Benadryl. You're from the South. Yeah, have your kids double cupped up. Take your kids to Houston. Do you have a codeine plug in New York? I do not have a codeine plug. My drug of choice currently is edibles and mushroom microdose chocolate that I have from this summer that I'm trying to eat before it goes bad.
Benadryl. You're from the South. Yeah, have your kids double cupped up. Take your kids to Houston. Do you have a codeine plug in New York? I do not have a codeine plug. My drug of choice currently is edibles and mushroom microdose chocolate that I have from this summer that I'm trying to eat before it goes bad.
Good. Let them old people trip. Guess what? I did some mushrooms and listening to Chaka Khan. And then you know what I did? I sent all of my grandbabies $5.
Good. Let them old people trip. Guess what? I did some mushrooms and listening to Chaka Khan. And then you know what I did? I sent all of my grandbabies $5.
Hey, don't, don't. I'll do some cake. I'll do some cake. Every now and then, I'll do some. Get it up.
Hey, don't, don't. I'll do some cake. I'll do some cake. Every now and then, I'll do some. Get it up.
Get it on up. I'll do a little bit of cake. But, you know, Elon took all mine. No. I think that drugs are... When you're in your 30s and you're doing a little bit of drugs, you've actually... We're just not drinking as hard as the 30-year-olds that we knew. That's the trade-off.
Get it on up. I'll do a little bit of cake. But, you know, Elon took all mine. No. I think that drugs are... When you're in your 30s and you're doing a little bit of drugs, you've actually... We're just not drinking as hard as the 30-year-olds that we knew. That's the trade-off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. This is a good script. Read out the script again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. This is a good script. Read out the script again.
Drink as much alcohol as you want. In fact, daddy's going to drink right now.
Drink as much alcohol as you want. In fact, daddy's going to drink right now.
Comparison is a thief of joy. Imagine a world where we can all wear Speedos at least once and go, okay, that wasn't for me, but I got to experience it. If America wants public transit, if America wants universal health care, where are those things? Europe. What do they do in Europe? Speedos. That's what we're missing. Why are you advocating for this? Number one, I want people to be free.
Comparison is a thief of joy. Imagine a world where we can all wear Speedos at least once and go, okay, that wasn't for me, but I got to experience it. If America wants public transit, if America wants universal health care, where are those things? Europe. What do they do in Europe? Speedos. That's what we're missing. Why are you advocating for this? Number one, I want people to be free.
Daddy was stressed. He doesn't need the couch to move. Okay. Yeah.
Daddy was stressed. He doesn't need the couch to move. Okay. Yeah.
yeah daddy daddy's about to relax and have a couple scotch some scotch whiskey i mean i last night i went to a cocktail bar in harlem and one of the people with me my husband and my friend went oh you're married i am oh my goodness congratulations yeah i love that dude i didn't know yeah he's a good he's a good guy he doesn't like when i call him dude he's that kind of gay he goes don't ever call me dude i go and then you know what i say i go
yeah daddy daddy's about to relax and have a couple scotch some scotch whiskey i mean i last night i went to a cocktail bar in harlem and one of the people with me my husband and my friend went oh you're married i am oh my goodness congratulations yeah i love that dude i didn't know yeah he's a good he's a good guy he doesn't like when i call him dude he's that kind of gay he goes don't ever call me dude i go and then you know what i say i go
My God. He goes, that's worse. Stop it. That is worse. I say, well, bro, what do you want me to call you? He says, if you ever. He's a fancy gay.
My God. He goes, that's worse. Stop it. That is worse. I say, well, bro, what do you want me to call you? He says, if you ever. He's a fancy gay.
Can't call him dude, bro. Baby, love. Oh, hey, love. Gary. He doesn't like Gary.
Can't call him dude, bro. Baby, love. Oh, hey, love. Gary. He doesn't like Gary.
His name is Garrison. Gary is what he would... If I wanted to piss him off, I would call him Gary. He's cute enough that Gary can work. I usually call him Gare. I love him. I love him so much. He's a good man. He kind of plans everything. And so like, whenever you go, oh, Jay, you seem so put together. Oh, Jay, if you ever see me in something cute, it was approved. You ever see me looking good?
His name is Garrison. Gary is what he would... If I wanted to piss him off, I would call him Gary. He's cute enough that Gary can work. I usually call him Gare. I love him. I love him so much. He's a good man. He kind of plans everything. And so like, whenever you go, oh, Jay, you seem so put together. Oh, Jay, if you ever see me in something cute, it was approved. You ever see me looking good?
He definitely got a text and was like, is this cute?
He definitely got a text and was like, is this cute?
To me, well, because plot twist, a reference twist. So I'm bi. I have a joke in my set where I say, Jay, how are you a bi man in a gay marriage? The same way you're a dumb ass in this premise. So it's always one of those things where as a bi man, I married a beautiful, lovely man. And then people go, Jay, but does that mean you can never be satisfied? I was like, there's so much porn out there.
To me, well, because plot twist, a reference twist. So I'm bi. I have a joke in my set where I say, Jay, how are you a bi man in a gay marriage? The same way you're a dumb ass in this premise. So it's always one of those things where as a bi man, I married a beautiful, lovely man. And then people go, Jay, but does that mean you can never be satisfied? I was like, there's so much porn out there.
Also, I'm an adult. I can kiss who I want.
Also, I'm an adult. I can kiss who I want.
You don't know about that? I mean. Oh, Kareem, I forgot. You can't kiss who you want. I can't.
You don't know about that? I mean. Oh, Kareem, I forgot. You can't kiss who you want. I can't.
Whoa. Yeah. And speedos.
Whoa. Yeah. And speedos.
It's a superpower.
It's a superpower.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
I don't agree with that. Okay, shit. I'm not going to put the lesbians – I'm not going to move their letter to the back. Those ladies do a lot of hard work, mostly carpentry. No, they don't go to the back.
I don't agree with that. Okay, shit. I'm not going to put the lesbians – I'm not going to move their letter to the back. Those ladies do a lot of hard work, mostly carpentry. No, they don't go to the back.
No. Well, you can be a bi lady. Okay, wow.
No. Well, you can be a bi lady. Okay, wow.
Number two, I'm greedy. I want to see it.
Number two, I'm greedy. I want to see it.
five to ten years we shuffle the letters well depending on who is most persecuted in the month okay this is i actually love that idea thank you very much it will make people gonna have to reprint a lot of shirts that's okay no no because it'll be vintage it's like oh remember when when it was lgbtq and then all of a sudden it's blg and then the other you're saying treated the way sports sports teams have like different uniforms
five to ten years we shuffle the letters well depending on who is most persecuted in the month okay this is i actually love that idea thank you very much it will make people gonna have to reprint a lot of shirts that's okay no no because it'll be vintage it's like oh remember when when it was lgbtq and then all of a sudden it's blg and then the other you're saying treated the way sports sports teams have like different uniforms
people go i'm 65 you're right i do hate poor people i forgot what what i'm talking about how when the idea that like some older people are like oh i forgot oh yeah mexicans piss me off and you go
people go i'm 65 you're right i do hate poor people i forgot what what i'm talking about how when the idea that like some older people are like oh i forgot oh yeah mexicans piss me off and you go
You can't trust queer people. This isn't some secret LGBTQ plot. This is a very public plot. I want to see it. We're all thinking about it. Objectify men. Objectify men. Objectify more men. That's what 2025 is all about. Get naked now.
You can't trust queer people. This isn't some secret LGBTQ plot. This is a very public plot. I want to see it. We're all thinking about it. Objectify men. Objectify men. Objectify more men. That's what 2025 is all about. Get naked now.
they don't the forgetful racist they go there's something there's something about this guy what was i gonna i definitely want i want small government but what was the other thing that was really mexicans i almost forgot Those damn Mexicans. Listen, I like Mexico. I love Mexico. I'm actually very... I went to Mexico. I went to Mexico City.
they don't the forgetful racist they go there's something there's something about this guy what was i gonna i definitely want i want small government but what was the other thing that was really mexicans i almost forgot Those damn Mexicans. Listen, I like Mexico. I love Mexico. I'm actually very... I went to Mexico. I went to Mexico City.
I've been to the Yucatan, but I went to Mexico City for my friend's bachelor party. A bunch of gay boys. We went to Mexico City. I had a ball. I had too much fun because then there is a thought as an American. Where you go? What if I stayed? And I went, oh!
I've been to the Yucatan, but I went to Mexico City for my friend's bachelor party. A bunch of gay boys. We went to Mexico City. I had a ball. I had too much fun because then there is a thought as an American. Where you go? What if I stayed? And I went, oh!
hot Mexican gay boys and while they do not represent all of Mexican culture they do take up a majority of my thoughts about it okay not me you can put okay watch this it could be BLM Bi, lesbian, Mexican, GT, gay, trans, or BLMTG. BLMTG. I like that.
hot Mexican gay boys and while they do not represent all of Mexican culture they do take up a majority of my thoughts about it okay not me you can put okay watch this it could be BLM Bi, lesbian, Mexican, GT, gay, trans, or BLMTG. BLMTG. I like that.
Yeah, yeah. This is nice. There it is.
Yeah, yeah. This is nice. There it is.
BLM, Black Lives Matter. Oh, and bi, lesbian, Mexicans. By us, for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For us, by us. I miss FUBU. It's back. Did you know? No. Okay, so it's back in a little... So, like, it came back a little bit secondary market. And then you know who really started rocking it again? Speaking of lesbians, Billie Eilish.
BLM, Black Lives Matter. Oh, and bi, lesbian, Mexicans. By us, for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For us, by us. I miss FUBU. It's back. Did you know? No. Okay, so it's back in a little... So, like, it came back a little bit secondary market. And then you know who really started rocking it again? Speaking of lesbians, Billie Eilish.
Billie Eilish had, I think, one FUBU jersey on. Billie Eilish was kind of dressed like she was, like, a supporting character on Smart Guy for a couple of shows.
Billie Eilish had, I think, one FUBU jersey on. Billie Eilish was kind of dressed like she was, like, a supporting character on Smart Guy for a couple of shows.
Well, I mean, Billie Eilish's style was very urban, was very kind of 2000s street wear.
Well, I mean, Billie Eilish's style was very urban, was very kind of 2000s street wear.
Yeah, yeah. For us, by us.
Yeah, yeah. For us, by us.
They're talking about Billie Eilish.
They're talking about Billie Eilish.
I'm buying new. I want some of the vintage.
I'm buying new. I want some of the vintage.
But where are you seeing the classic FUBU jerseys?
But where are you seeing the classic FUBU jerseys?
Yeah. I mean, I'm down. We should go in on it. How do we... This is what I want to say.
Yeah. I mean, I'm down. We should go in on it. How do we... This is what I want to say.
They do have a lot of good... Whoa, no. Look, I went to men's jerseys. Zero products in this collection. What are they doing? What's happening? Did you just buy them all? Wait, why are there zero products in this collection?
They do have a lot of good... Whoa, no. Look, I went to men's jerseys. Zero products in this collection. What are they doing? What's happening? Did you just buy them all? Wait, why are there zero products in this collection?
No, the jersey was iconic. I remember people would show up to middle school. And later on high school, but in middle school, if you have more than three FUBU jerseys, I was like, God, what's it like to sell drugs? You were rich. I was like, please tell me. I was like, hey man, front me a brick. I'll slang it. I'll flip it. I'll cut it up. I'll cook it up. I'll sell crack, please.
No, the jersey was iconic. I remember people would show up to middle school. And later on high school, but in middle school, if you have more than three FUBU jerseys, I was like, God, what's it like to sell drugs? You were rich. I was like, please tell me. I was like, hey man, front me a brick. I'll slang it. I'll flip it. I'll cut it up. I'll cook it up. I'll sell crack, please.
My mom said, Jay, you get two FUBU jerseys. I had one platinum FUBU jersey. That was gray and white. And it was a huge deal. I remember I wore it one time and I was like, well, can't wear it again for a month. I hope everyone saw it. I got to school early, stayed late that day. I said, y'all going to see this?
My mom said, Jay, you get two FUBU jerseys. I had one platinum FUBU jersey. That was gray and white. And it was a huge deal. I remember I wore it one time and I was like, well, can't wear it again for a month. I hope everyone saw it. I got to school early, stayed late that day. I said, y'all going to see this?
You remember when you were in high school, you'd be outside of classrooms. You'd be like, y'all see this?
You remember when you were in high school, you'd be outside of classrooms. You'd be like, y'all see this?
Yeah. Who has a disposable camera? Where's a couple clicks on this?
Yeah. Who has a disposable camera? Where's a couple clicks on this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow. When I tell you I have a yearbook photo where I'm wearing a striped polo shirt, I want to say with... A striped polo.
Wow. When I tell you I have a yearbook photo where I'm wearing a striped polo shirt, I want to say with... A striped polo.
Hey, don't you ever insult me like this. We were having a good time. We were having a great time. Not purple. I was a teenager. Come on. Just classic Ralph. Just that Ralph. It ain't Ralph, though. It was yellow, blue, black. I look like a goddamn bumblebee. Red horse. And this, this is the wildest part of it. Front tuck. Tucked in. Tucked into the front of the pants.
Hey, don't you ever insult me like this. We were having a good time. We were having a great time. Not purple. I was a teenager. Come on. Just classic Ralph. Just that Ralph. It ain't Ralph, though. It was yellow, blue, black. I look like a goddamn bumblebee. Red horse. And this, this is the wildest part of it. Front tuck. Tucked in. Tucked into the front of the pants.
The jeans, probably Abercrombie or Hollister. And I want to say boat shoes. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't the freshest motherfucker on campus. I took a picture of that. I said, y'all better catch this.
The jeans, probably Abercrombie or Hollister. And I want to say boat shoes. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't the freshest motherfucker on campus. I took a picture of that. I said, y'all better catch this.
But Jon Hamm is not what you need to be. In a Speedo, the most beautiful images in a Speedo are about uniformity and a bunch of other things. It's not sometimes a comically large Speedo. And this is kind of like, I don't know, Greek antiquity of me. Sometimes when a penis, when a bulge in a Speedo is so big, it's distracting. That's funnier than it's sexy. Have we thought about this?
But Jon Hamm is not what you need to be. In a Speedo, the most beautiful images in a Speedo are about uniformity and a bunch of other things. It's not sometimes a comically large Speedo. And this is kind of like, I don't know, Greek antiquity of me. Sometimes when a penis, when a bulge in a Speedo is so big, it's distracting. That's funnier than it's sexy. Have we thought about this?
that's listen that was young okay so that was the young dro era okay you know shoulderling okay young bro so dro who was part of pimp squad with ti grand hustle dro made dro and kanye made every black boy who was kind of in love with hip-hop they turned all of us into preppy kids yeah because kanye kanye Came with the rugbies and a couple of double polos and a Louis Vuitton backpack.
that's listen that was young okay so that was the young dro era okay you know shoulderling okay young bro so dro who was part of pimp squad with ti grand hustle dro made dro and kanye made every black boy who was kind of in love with hip-hop they turned all of us into preppy kids yeah because kanye kanye Came with the rugbies and a couple of double polos and a Louis Vuitton backpack.
He's doing other stuff now. I don't know if you're up there on Kanye, but now he's sucking his cousin's dick.
He's doing other stuff now. I don't know if you're up there on Kanye, but now he's sucking his cousin's dick.
That song is good, by the way. Sucking your cousin's dick.
That song is good, by the way. Sucking your cousin's dick.
Kareem.
Kareem.
Kareem, it can't be. Why not? No, I mean. One day they're going to play that in court. You can't.
Kareem, it can't be. Why not? No, I mean. One day they're going to play that in court. You can't.
No.
No.
He was older than the cousin. Oh.
He was older than the cousin. Oh.
The cousin was much younger than him.
The cousin was much younger than him.
You play the instrumental? Yes. That's what you play? That's your version? Yes. By instrumental, you just mean you do this the whole time? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I just like the sounds. You can't suck your much younger cousin's dick and stay cousins. I didn't know the cousin was younger, bro, okay? I don't like the song anymore. At that point, Kanye, you're not a cousin. You're an uncle.
You play the instrumental? Yes. That's what you play? That's your version? Yes. By instrumental, you just mean you do this the whole time? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I just like the sounds. You can't suck your much younger cousin's dick and stay cousins. I didn't know the cousin was younger, bro, okay? I don't like the song anymore. At that point, Kanye, you're not a cousin. You're an uncle.
You're sucking someone's dick younger than you. It's a bad song.
You're sucking someone's dick younger than you. It's a bad song.
i hate it no but kanye had us like rocking a lot of polo i mean i i remember that was like also i would i worked a job and i would like buy lacoste and i'd be like well it's gone like a paycheck would just be gone because i'll be like i got to come correct i think at one point this is actually very crazy i think at one point i think at one point
i hate it no but kanye had us like rocking a lot of polo i mean i i remember that was like also i would i worked a job and i would like buy lacoste and i'd be like well it's gone like a paycheck would just be gone because i'll be like i got to come correct i think at one point this is actually very crazy i think at one point i think at one point
Cameron mentioned one brand of shoes, and me and my friends went to go see if we could get the shoes. They were these very expensive boat shoes. I think it was these like, oh my God, what the fuck were they called? I remember looking at them. Sperry's? Were they Sperry's? They weren't Sperry's. No, Sperry's. Sperry's. How pedestrian. Sperry's. Come on, man.
Cameron mentioned one brand of shoes, and me and my friends went to go see if we could get the shoes. They were these very expensive boat shoes. I think it was these like, oh my God, what the fuck were they called? I remember looking at them. Sperry's? Were they Sperry's? They weren't Sperry's. No, Sperry's. Sperry's. How pedestrian. Sperry's. Come on, man.
I was cutting my grass in Sperry's, okay? Donald J. Pliner. What the fuck is that? I want to say Donald J. Yeah, Donald J. Pliners. These are tight. These motherfuckers. Ooh, the mule is nice. Like, exactly. Wow. Why? Why did we know about these? Because Cameron said it. Those rappers, they were putting so many little things in my head. God.
I was cutting my grass in Sperry's, okay? Donald J. Pliner. What the fuck is that? I want to say Donald J. Yeah, Donald J. Pliners. These are tight. These motherfuckers. Ooh, the mule is nice. Like, exactly. Wow. Why? Why did we know about these? Because Cameron said it. Those rappers, they were putting so many little things in my head. God.
I mean, though. So like my entire kind of fashion. my introduction to menswear was usually through rap and through media and then when i was in college i started getting the like gq you remember details details was gq sister magazine and then details was the gay one gq was the normal one details was the gay one and then details got gayer and then it got sent away
I mean, though. So like my entire kind of fashion. my introduction to menswear was usually through rap and through media and then when i was in college i started getting the like gq you remember details details was gq sister magazine and then details was the gay one gq was the normal one details was the gay one and then details got gayer and then it got sent away
Yeah. Well, because like when everyone became metrosexual, details would say stuff like, and they'd be like, wait, what? Wait a second. Details? I just came here so I could smell Armani code in one of these pages. Oh, do they still do that?
Yeah. Well, because like when everyone became metrosexual, details would say stuff like, and they'd be like, wait, what? Wait a second. Details? I just came here so I could smell Armani code in one of these pages. Oh, do they still do that?
Free smells. I love the free smells. Do you understand how many times I was like, thank you, Polo Green. Yeah.
Free smells. I love the free smells. Do you understand how many times I was like, thank you, Polo Green. Yeah.
That was the best.
That was the best.
We haven't thought about this. There are some times when a Speedo bulge is silly big. There's a whole, was it Propyrus? Propyrus? There's the Greek god that has the huge penis. I don't know about him. Oh my goodness. No, no, no. It actually is so funny because... He's the only one? No, Priapus, the Greek god, he's associated with fertility and male genitalia.
We haven't thought about this. There are some times when a Speedo bulge is silly big. There's a whole, was it Propyrus? Propyrus? There's the Greek god that has the huge penis. I don't know about him. Oh my goodness. No, no, no. It actually is so funny because... He's the only one? No, Priapus, the Greek god, he's associated with fertility and male genitalia.
Damn, son. That's a fun little jab. That's an Easter egg.
Damn, son. That's a fun little jab. That's an Easter egg.
100% disagree.
100% disagree.
I'm just the normal. Yeah. Stop. You dropped off a lot this way.
I'm just the normal. Yeah. Stop. You dropped off a lot this way.
I want to be like one of the... I'm bi, so I'm a crossover. Oh, like a Nissan Rube. I'm a hatchback.
I want to be like one of the... I'm bi, so I'm a crossover. Oh, like a Nissan Rube. I'm a hatchback.
yeah that's also a lot of tall people a lot of tall people at one point could dunk at a certain height dunking is easier than you think i just don't want to dunk now because of what we said about the foot exactly i'll break my fucking back if i try to dunk yeah he got he has a daughter let him live yeah let me live i'm not dunking i'm playing i'm trying to like put a ball in a mini hoop and
yeah that's also a lot of tall people a lot of tall people at one point could dunk at a certain height dunking is easier than you think i just don't want to dunk now because of what we said about the foot exactly i'll break my fucking back if i try to dunk yeah he got he has a daughter let him live yeah let me live i'm not dunking i'm playing i'm trying to like put a ball in a mini hoop and
i don't think that's true i don't think that i 100 disagree only because i i've met some monsters and here's the crazy part they're still poor and not famous and they act like that do you know what i mean do you know what i mean i do a poor monster what is happening and i mean i feel like a lot of monsters are poor in spirit yeah and and financially and financially
i don't think that's true i don't think that i 100 disagree only because i i've met some monsters and here's the crazy part they're still poor and not famous and they act like that do you know what i mean do you know what i mean i do a poor monster what is happening and i mean i feel like a lot of monsters are poor in spirit yeah and and financially and financially
If he would have said, I think all babies, I think babies at least 15 minutes out are all good, I'd agree. Me too. There's something that happens in that first 15 minutes for them babies.
If he would have said, I think all babies, I think babies at least 15 minutes out are all good, I'd agree. Me too. There's something that happens in that first 15 minutes for them babies.
Because of what hospital they're born in.
Because of what hospital they're born in.
I know Harkness.
I know Harkness.
Guess what? 100% agree. 100% agree. This is how I hit on girls at bars now. I kiss my husband, and I look at her, and I go, could have been you. And then she goes, it should be me. And then we kiss, and my husband says, we have to leave. Yeah, you share a little kiss. We share a little kiss. My boy's got a long leech. Yeah, this is what Harkness said that the best way to get girls is to be gay.
Guess what? 100% agree. 100% agree. This is how I hit on girls at bars now. I kiss my husband, and I look at her, and I go, could have been you. And then she goes, it should be me. And then we kiss, and my husband says, we have to leave. Yeah, you share a little kiss. We share a little kiss. My boy's got a long leech. Yeah, this is what Harkness said that the best way to get girls is to be gay.
I would, while I 100% agree, I would add be a little gay and by a little, just a little gay. There has to just be a thing. That softens you and also lets women know there's going to be shared interest. Be a little gay. Be a little gossipy. Understand details. Just these things that are.
I would, while I 100% agree, I would add be a little gay and by a little, just a little gay. There has to just be a thing. That softens you and also lets women know there's going to be shared interest. Be a little gay. Be a little gossipy. Understand details. Just these things that are.
Watch reality television. Have a favorite housewife, but also have a least favorite housewife. Moisturize your face. Moisturize your face. Clip your fingernails. This is even crazier. Clip your toenails. Even crazier. Maybe have someone else do it.
Watch reality television. Have a favorite housewife, but also have a least favorite housewife. Moisturize your face. Moisturize your face. Clip your fingernails. This is even crazier. Clip your toenails. Even crazier. Maybe have someone else do it.
Being a little gay. I mean, being a little gay. also will let a girl feel special because then she goes whoo he's a little gay but he's still with me because a lot of people know this so being a little gay and being with a girl is actually such a testament to that girl's power because the sexual economy in gay land is insane the only thing i can compare it to i went to mexico city
Being a little gay. I mean, being a little gay. also will let a girl feel special because then she goes whoo he's a little gay but he's still with me because a lot of people know this so being a little gay and being with a girl is actually such a testament to that girl's power because the sexual economy in gay land is insane the only thing i can compare it to i went to mexico city
But he was the, he was basically a joke. So his penis was so big, bigger than his body. They have all these like little tchotchkes and little figurines of him where his penis is, his penis is like in a wheelbarrow. It's like that.
But he was the, he was basically a joke. So his penis was so big, bigger than his body. They have all these like little tchotchkes and little figurines of him where his penis is, his penis is like in a wheelbarrow. It's like that.
I was like, oh, I'm a millionaire. That's how it feels. That's how it feels when you go gay. Oh, there's no tariffs. Tariffs? Maybe they're giving it away. You thought Delta gave you $250? You understand what Delta flight attendants are giving you? They're giving you everything.
I was like, oh, I'm a millionaire. That's how it feels. That's how it feels when you go gay. Oh, there's no tariffs. Tariffs? Maybe they're giving it away. You thought Delta gave you $250? You understand what Delta flight attendants are giving you? They're giving you everything.
Yeah, they got subsidies. They subsidies nuts. That's what they do. They subsidize Nets. Oh, man. There is a gaping chasm. There is an unfillable canyon.
Yeah, they got subsidies. They subsidies nuts. That's what they do. They subsidize Nets. Oh, man. There is a gaping chasm. There is an unfillable canyon.
in some of these gay boys oh man and you're you're just like you're you're bungee jumping down there so to stay with the woman when you could be out here really kind of being debaucherous a level of debauchery that i can only describe as bacchanalian that sounds nice that's but but if you love your girl you're like listen i'm a little gay but i love my girl and i'm gonna stick with it You get it.
in some of these gay boys oh man and you're you're just like you're you're bungee jumping down there so to stay with the woman when you could be out here really kind of being debaucherous a level of debauchery that i can only describe as bacchanalian that sounds nice that's but but if you love your girl you're like listen i'm a little gay but i love my girl and i'm gonna stick with it You get it.
I don't even want to see your DMs, Kareem. But I know. I know there's so many men who go, Kareem, please. They go, I know you said you're not gay. Just keep the sunglasses on the whole time. Please.
I don't even want to see your DMs, Kareem. But I know. I know there's so many men who go, Kareem, please. They go, I know you said you're not gay. Just keep the sunglasses on the whole time. Please.
He's happily... I'm happily married. He's happily married. But these gay boys... I'm going to tell you what my gay friends have said about you. Do you understand?
He's happily... I'm happily married. He's happily married. But these gay boys... I'm going to tell you what my gay friends have said about you. Do you understand?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
100% agree. That's it. That's right. 100% agree. I'm from Mississippi. I just filmed my comedy special in New Orleans. I'm wearing a shirt that says New Orleans right now. Everyone has to spend a little bit of time in the South. Not prison, but the South. Where's your favorite place? Okay, Donald Trump is trying to send everyone to the South.
100% agree. That's it. That's right. 100% agree. I'm from Mississippi. I just filmed my comedy special in New Orleans. I'm wearing a shirt that says New Orleans right now. Everyone has to spend a little bit of time in the South. Not prison, but the South. Where's your favorite place? Okay, Donald Trump is trying to send everyone to the South.
Yeah, Priapus. He actually is also, if you ever have an erection that won't go away, Priapism is named after him. Oh, that's good. Yeah, so he ended up in medical textbooks.
Yeah, Priapus. He actually is also, if you ever have an erection that won't go away, Priapism is named after him. Oh, that's good. Yeah, so he ended up in medical textbooks.
of here but my favorite place in the south i love jackson mississippi i love new orleans i love atlanta but then smaller cities i love not smaller anymore dallas and houston huge cities actually but in my head i go oh they're smaller than manhattan smaller than los angeles okay houston dallas new orleans these are all like great cities but then you have little pockets people love asheville north carolina i like
of here but my favorite place in the south i love jackson mississippi i love new orleans i love atlanta but then smaller cities i love not smaller anymore dallas and houston huge cities actually but in my head i go oh they're smaller than manhattan smaller than los angeles okay houston dallas new orleans these are all like great cities but then you have little pockets people love asheville north carolina i like
I like Wilmington. I haven't been to Savannah, but I want to go to Savannah. I like Birmingham. I like Tuscaloosa. I like Oxford. Those are two college towns that are insanely fun. Okay.
I like Wilmington. I haven't been to Savannah, but I want to go to Savannah. I like Birmingham. I like Tuscaloosa. I like Oxford. Those are two college towns that are insanely fun. Okay.
If you go to Ole Miss, you go to Oxford, eat at Ajax Diner.
If you go to Ole Miss, you go to Oxford, eat at Ajax Diner.
In New Orleans at the Joy Theater. Beautiful. What's it called? That was like two weeks ago. I can't say anything. It's not out yet? Oh, you just filmed it. Just filmed it. Yeah, Thursday. That's amazing. Congratulations.
In New Orleans at the Joy Theater. Beautiful. What's it called? That was like two weeks ago. I can't say anything. It's not out yet? Oh, you just filmed it. Just filmed it. Yeah, Thursday. That's amazing. Congratulations.
I want to promote this. I have nothing. There will be more announcements when I'm allowed to say anything only because the way deadline articles work, I let everything come out when it comes out. And then I go, look at this.
I want to promote this. I have nothing. There will be more announcements when I'm allowed to say anything only because the way deadline articles work, I let everything come out when it comes out. And then I go, look at this.
You can find me on all social media at Jay Jordan, J-A-Y-J-U-R-D-E-N. It's Jordan because I think it's Germanic. I don't know. Racism's funny. But yeah, Jay Jordan on all social media. You can watch our episode. Also, because of our episode, because of my Subway takes, I had two different Speedo companies come into my DMs and be like, Jay, we'd love to give you Speedos. Oh, beautiful. Yeah.
You can find me on all social media at Jay Jordan, J-A-Y-J-U-R-D-E-N. It's Jordan because I think it's Germanic. I don't know. Racism's funny. But yeah, Jay Jordan on all social media. You can watch our episode. Also, because of our episode, because of my Subway takes, I had two different Speedo companies come into my DMs and be like, Jay, we'd love to give you Speedos. Oh, beautiful. Yeah.
Beautiful. And they want to give you some, too. Wait, you should get it for the whole gang, though. Okay.
Beautiful. And they want to give you some, too. Wait, you should get it for the whole gang, though. Okay.
They'll do that for sure. You're in the gang, though. I want some for Kareem. Sure.
They'll do that for sure. You're in the gang, though. I want some for Kareem. Sure.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I want to wear a baggy speedo. No one wants a baggy speedo.
I want to wear a baggy speedo. No one wants a baggy speedo.
He's a condition. But that's... I mean, like... that is kind of like the idea that, oh, everyone wants to have this like huge balls in a Speedo. No, you want it to kind of just be reflective of you and the sexiness is a man in the Speedo. The sexiness is a person in the Speedo. That's where the sexiness derives. The sexiness, because the sexiness, Kareem, is seeing your slightly wet curls
He's a condition. But that's... I mean, like... that is kind of like the idea that, oh, everyone wants to have this like huge balls in a Speedo. No, you want it to kind of just be reflective of you and the sexiness is a man in the Speedo. The sexiness is a person in the Speedo. That's where the sexiness derives. The sexiness, because the sexiness, Kareem, is seeing your slightly wet curls
Thank you. This is a dream come true. This was such a delight. Subway takes the podcast. That's what this one officially is.
Thank you. This is a dream come true. This was such a delight. Subway takes the podcast. That's what this one officially is.
This has been wonderful. And we didn't have to kick us off the train this time.
This has been wonderful. And we didn't have to kick us off the train this time.
You're a beautiful chest hair in a Speedo. That's what it's the image that is beautiful. It's not no one's just like zoning in. It's what it represents. It's what it represents. It's the freedom. It's the it's honestly right now is the fact that people will be like, well, you can't be American.
You're a beautiful chest hair in a Speedo. That's what it's the image that is beautiful. It's not no one's just like zoning in. It's what it represents. It's what it represents. It's the freedom. It's the it's honestly right now is the fact that people will be like, well, you can't be American.
I have a couple of opinions on longer swimwear. If you want to do it, do it. Beautiful, do it. It does become cumbersome. I think it doesn't feel good. It clings. It clings. I think a huge similar moment in male swimwear. Daniel Radcliffe coming. Not Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe? No. I don't know. Who came out of the water? Who's James Bond? Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig.
I have a couple of opinions on longer swimwear. If you want to do it, do it. Beautiful, do it. It does become cumbersome. I think it doesn't feel good. It clings. It clings. I think a huge similar moment in male swimwear. Daniel Radcliffe coming. Not Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe? No. I don't know. Who came out of the water? Who's James Bond? Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig.
I was thinking about Harry Potter, who also had his penis out in Equus, but on Broadway. But Daniel Craig out of the water, James Bond, not a full speedo, but shorter trunks.
I was thinking about Harry Potter, who also had his penis out in Equus, but on Broadway. But Daniel Craig out of the water, James Bond, not a full speedo, but shorter trunks.
Changed the trajectory of male swimwear.
Changed the trajectory of male swimwear.
That has to be 2008, maybe 2000.
That has to be 2008, maybe 2000.
That bulge, we don't know. We don't know. I know. I'm literally looking at it right now. But you're... I'm telling you, Kareem, I said this on the train in front of strangers. I'll say it again right now. Your bulge is not only enough, it's beautiful because it's your bulge.
That bulge, we don't know. We don't know. I know. I'm literally looking at it right now. But you're... I'm telling you, Kareem, I said this on the train in front of strangers. I'll say it again right now. Your bulge is not only enough, it's beautiful because it's your bulge.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, you forgot Taurus. My birthday is coming up. Oh, shit. Congratulations.
Yes, you forgot Taurus. My birthday is coming up. Oh, shit. Congratulations.
Well, he doesn't wear underwear, as we know from the famous video. That thing was awesome. That thing... It was the most... There's only one other video on the internet similar to that, where I've seen someone's penis act as a jack-in-the-box.
Well, he doesn't wear underwear, as we know from the famous video. That thing was awesome. That thing... It was the most... There's only one other video on the internet similar to that, where I've seen someone's penis act as a jack-in-the-box.
There's another video where a guy is dancing at a wedding in a suit. He kind of spreads his legs open pretty quickly and drops low at the same time, and it It's a full on all around the mulberry bush, the monkey chase, the bam. But I will say this. If you go look up that video right now, I have a suspicion that's some summertime dick.
There's another video where a guy is dancing at a wedding in a suit. He kind of spreads his legs open pretty quickly and drops low at the same time, and it It's a full on all around the mulberry bush, the monkey chase, the bam. But I will say this. If you go look up that video right now, I have a suspicion that's some summertime dick.
and probably i i like i want to talk about the summertime deck okay yeah um i so i've been known if i'm going to wear shorts yeah i'm rocking five inch to seven inch they're short you're a fashionable man i didn't tell you that enough on our episode and i don't think enough people say it but you really be coming with the fits oh thank you so much you have an aesthetic you stick to it
and probably i i like i want to talk about the summertime deck okay yeah um i so i've been known if i'm going to wear shorts yeah i'm rocking five inch to seven inch they're short you're a fashionable man i didn't tell you that enough on our episode and i don't think enough people say it but you really be coming with the fits oh thank you so much you have an aesthetic you stick to it
You know why? Because it deserves to be congratulatory. Make it in this world another year.
You know why? Because it deserves to be congratulatory. Make it in this world another year.
It's this very unstuffy but still fashionable man about town. And I approve. I love it.
It's this very unstuffy but still fashionable man about town. And I approve. I love it.
Tybalt the cat. I love anyone who can put on an unstructured jacket and make it look really cool. And I've seen you do that a few times. And this is like a genuine compliment. Whenever men...
Tybalt the cat. I love anyone who can put on an unstructured jacket and make it look really cool. And I've seen you do that a few times. And this is like a genuine compliment. Whenever men...
get to play with their style particularly and this is harder a little bit for straight men because gay boys get to try a lot of stuff i know three friends who i was like okay last week was charlie xx this week is cowboy carter i get it you love a theme We don't let as many straight boys play with style. And this is connected to the Speedo.
get to play with their style particularly and this is harder a little bit for straight men because gay boys get to try a lot of stuff i know three friends who i was like okay last week was charlie xx this week is cowboy carter i get it you love a theme We don't let as many straight boys play with style. And this is connected to the Speedo.
Like every coming out day, I wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life. Oh, by the way, is that one day? Yeah, there's one day where you're allowed to.
Like every coming out day, I wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life. Oh, by the way, is that one day? Yeah, there's one day where you're allowed to.
Thank you. That's very sweet of you. I'm happy to be back. Big eggplant. I would say... Above average eggplant, but based on my research over the past 15 years, there are much bigger and just, they're kind of, eggplants are all over the place. They are.
Thank you. That's very sweet of you. I'm happy to be back. Big eggplant. I would say... Above average eggplant, but based on my research over the past 15 years, there are much bigger and just, they're kind of, eggplants are all over the place. They are.
There's a day where you celebrate the fact that people do come out. And it also is a good day to... investigate feelings and just be happy for people and remind you that certain celebrities you forgot were queer are queer. But on National Coming Out Day, I always wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life and those yet to come and to any straight man trying a new hat.
There's a day where you celebrate the fact that people do come out. And it also is a good day to... investigate feelings and just be happy for people and remind you that certain celebrities you forgot were queer are queer. But on National Coming Out Day, I always wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life and those yet to come and to any straight man trying a new hat.
Yeah, because his friends are going to call him gay.
Yeah, because his friends are going to call him gay.
Okay. And all the other hats have come and gone. No. I feel like I've seen a picture of you in a bucket hat. I feel like you're a liar. Well, yeah, because I'm of color. Okay.
Okay. And all the other hats have come and gone. No. I feel like I've seen a picture of you in a bucket hat. I feel like you're a liar. Well, yeah, because I'm of color. Okay.
Is that who gets the baseball? That's who gets the bucket hats?
Is that who gets the baseball? That's who gets the bucket hats?
Okay.
Okay.
I'm already throwing a monkey wrench. Okay, what about the brown Asians? What about South Asians?
I'm already throwing a monkey wrench. Okay, what about the brown Asians? What about South Asians?
Ooh, where does the line for the bucket hat stop?
Ooh, where does the line for the bucket hat stop?
You want to know why you're making that correction? Because they kill people. And I want everyone to know if you are Eastern European, you can do whatever you want. I love my kidneys. I don't want you to have them.
You want to know why you're making that correction? Because they kill people. And I want everyone to know if you are Eastern European, you can do whatever you want. I love my kidneys. I don't want you to have them.
They're so cool. They're so strong. Thank you for Luka Donic. You know why he's good at basketball? Cigarettes. Trauma. Oh, cigarettes.
They're so cool. They're so strong. Thank you for Luka Donic. You know why he's good at basketball? Cigarettes. Trauma. Oh, cigarettes.
I mean, have you been outside?
Well, I forget that you live upstate, but if you've ever been outside in New York City, there is so many ways to die.
And I think ever since I had the baby, I'm thinking about that. I wear a helmet now on my bike. I've ridden a bike in New York for 13 years. No helmet. Now I wear a helmet every time, even if it's just a city bike, which is rare. And if you think about it, you're walking down the street. At any moment, a fire escape could come unrusted because I'm pretty sure they're all rusted.
Well, it's because Dale's last name is Eisenberg.
No one ever uses fire escapes. But a fire escape could just fucking...
slice you right down the head and the body cut you in half you know you step out you step onto the sidewalk all of a sudden there's a bike messenger that's delivering food just runs over your fucking body you know get hit by a semi-truck there's just so many ways to die in the city that i think final destination is just reminds you of all the creative ways that one can perish
by two college hungover idiots that are like, it's good enough. That's literally what there's... Every time I've ever installed a window air conditioner, I go, it's good enough. It'll hold. I cannot believe that the city functions like this. That there's not a city-wide window unit installing or inspection system Something. They gotta regulate that, dude. It should be regulated.
I'm all for deregulation of government, but the fact that the window units in New York City are just slapped in by two hungover guys... is just beyond.
Well, I added the entire Berg.
It's Dale. It's Dale Isinger. But to me, that sounds like he should be a Jewish drummer, in my opinion.
you're like slam the window on there because you're like oh this will hold it this is fine it is insane to think that a city of eight million people everyone's just slapping their fucking ac units and no one knows how to hang a shelf no one knows how to replace a light bulb all of a sudden we're slapping fucking units in and it's insane to me and i think probably 90 of them have zero
I think 90% of them are a guy slamming down the window and going, that'll hold. That's fine. Or I'll do it next week.
And then summer goes by and then you take the unit out and you put it fucking under your sink or wherever you carry it. And then the next year, the same thing happens. There is a thing. They have a shelf. Have you ever seen that there's an arm? There's an arm. That is professionally installed. That's when someone says, I'm going to professionally install my window unit. So they get the arm.
Right now, I'm looking at a window unit. I kid you not. It's a window unit, and underneath it, I'm looking at it right now, is a piece of wood. Loose wood. There's a loose piece of wood right now. I'm looking at it.
In Chinatown, there's a loose piece of wood that is definitely also not bolted in, and that's holding it up because it's a big unit, and it would be tilting down, aka almost falling out of the fucking window, and it's being held up by a loose piece of wood. And I've seen them held up by books. I mean, I'm looking. There's one, two, three. four, five, six.
Yeah.
So I'm looking at six units right now and only two of them have an arm.
It was shocking to me when you told me you're not Jewish. I was shocked. And I think the rest of the band was shocked as well.
It'll hold. It'll hold. That's what everyone's saying. It'll hold. I mean, we have so many rules in this country and in the city. You can't even fucking park on the left side of the street on a Tuesday and but you're telling me I can throw... You can't have a party in an illegal venue, and you're telling me I can just throw a damn air conditioner in the window?
I cannot barely hang in a heavy painting.
Officiando. Czar.
Remember that?
Right.
I think they did a very good job.
No, I don't see rat MFs as much anymore. Okay, well, perception. Little rat MFs? I mean, I think it is something that we should look at. In the words of Donald Trump, I think it's something we should look at.
I think it should be looked at. We should look at it. The administration should look at it. Yeah, it'll hold. It'll hold. It'll hold. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Now sit down and listen closely because I got to talk to you about something serious. I got to talk to you about the stigma surrounding men's mental health and the strength that comes from maintaining a healthy mind.
Men today face immense pressure to perform, to provide, and keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year and it's often undiagnosed. I'll go ahead and say it. It is hard to be a man because it's hard to be a human. It's hard to be a person, but it doesn't have to be that hard.
So you're literally Jewish. You are literally proving my point, bro. Your mom has to be Jewish. No, there was a mom in your family that was Jewish.
With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. Now as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. I mean, I don't know. I'm a little upset. I mean, you know why scaffolding was created, right?
So scaffolding was created because a girl was walking and she got hit with a fucking pebble that fell off a very high building and it killed her. She's like a NYU student. And then now there was a law passed after this one white girl died. That's probably why she was white. This one white girl died. And then now every building needs scaffolding for a while so that they can inspect...
fucking building and make sure that no pebbles are going to fall and they do like little renovations tweaks and touch-ups and now there's a whole corrupt industry of scaffolding makers and that's why scaffolding is up so long because it's like a union type of it's they're all in cahoots man they're all in cahoots by the way dying from a pebble falling is definitely final destination that's a terrible way to die like that's not even like a page six worthy story it's just like oh fuck man yeah
Exactly. Let me Google this right now. Scaffolding girl. Scaffolding NYC dead girl. Dead person.
No, it happened a long time ago.
Is that about the girl?
Oh, yeah, it is about. So, yeah, exactly. How a student's senseless death led to a New York behind scaffolding. It literally was one girl.
that just died a 1979 yep a terrible tragedy in 1979 that resulted in the death of a 17 year old college student walking in morningside heights and then that's what happened a little a tiny block of cement fell off a window and struck her in the head killing her
That's what scaffolding does. It prevents it from falling onto a person.
look, man, you're the one that wants to run. Fix it. I will.
A Republican. You're a progressive Republican.
I've described myself as a socialist Republican.
Let's run it. Let's run it. We don't have a guest today, so it's just going to be us fellas. But we do have some exciting news, which is that the Subway Takes Call-In hotline actually worked.
I believe in free healthcare, free childcare, and free college, but I also believe in capitalism, but not capitalism at the expense of people.
George W. Bush is not a compassionate conservative to the 7 million Iraqis he killed.
But no, there is something. It's a new wave. I think I'm the first one. But I agree with socialist ideas. And I agree with some Republican ideas. And I don't agree with any Democratic ideas.
What's that called again?
SocialistRepublicansForNYC.com, and it's literally me.
I literally, I think I could win on being, I think I could win on that, on a bit. I think I could win on a bit, which is actually a good idea, which is that why can't we have both? If you have the capitalism... that is fueling the socialism, that's great. And everybody has a higher quality of life.
I think you could run my campaign.
Yeah, yeah. So you actually genuinely wanted to know.
So the bachelor party was great. It was really fun. We were in Granby, like I mentioned. And the reason that I didn't like the idea initially is because I thought we were going to Denver. And I don't like cities like Denver. I think Denver is a waste of space. Colorado should just be Colorado. There should be no Denver inside of Colorado. It should just be all Colorado. Okay.
You know, the great outdoors. Like, stop trying to make a city...
skip it like boulder's fine you know boulder's chill you can have a city like boulder but you don't need a metropolitan area metropolitan area um but yeah day one we hit the hot springs all sorts of different heats it was so nice because it's outside all of its outside is kind of like cooked into a little side of a mountain you know so it's like a little mountain there's all these wooden little planks there's all these baths uh super sulfury smelled like shit um
yeah but i actually i actually kind of like the smell um of your own farts yeah yeah it's like a big fart dude sometimes farts smell good i guess it depends what you're eating yeah sometimes i fart into my hand and i wait no you don't you absolutely you absolutely do not i don't do that i don't do that but the uh the hot springs was great and then the highlight of the trip is we went from hot springs to utp-ing
Okay. So we had these little fucking sick-ass cars that were like four-wheelers, but they were cars. So they had four seats in each one.
driving were you shotgun were you in the past like way out where was your placement within the car situation like well let's trust you behind the wheel no let's go back to final destination so originally bdn booked only two cars for eight guys he was like oh well i'll ride together he's gay so he doesn't understand he doesn't get it yeah i'm in a car i'm driving the car
So he booked two cars for eight dudes. And I got there and I go, there's no way I'm putting my life into Levon or Blake or John's or BDN's hands. There's no fucking way. So I was like, I'm getting my own. I'll splurge and I get my own. But being typically Arab, I cut a deal. I was like, look, I'm going to rent another one, but I'm going to be the only person in it.
So technically, you should charge me less. And he did. He gave me 20% off.
Oh, that's just racist. You're just being racist now.
Well, here's a good point. Here's actually a funny thing is that there was three cars left. And John and Lev also were like our men, and they were like, we want our own cars as well. So I recruited them, so I got an even further discount. Nice. Because now we've rented five cars instead of two. And when it came down to it, he was like, well, I only have two of these Razors.
That's what they were called, Razors, Polaris Razors. They have 220 horsepower, which is insane. That is a lot of time. huge wheelbase like you can't really turn a corner without turning a really long big corner because you don't want them to tip over yeah he's like we have two of those and then we have one of these other ones which is a bit more luxurious but not as fast but not as fast Okay.
But it has a sound system. So by the way, I was kind of right. Yeah, you were right. So I said, I'll take the one with the fucking sound system. So I got the Lux one. I mean, it wasn't Lux. It was a little more comfortable of a ride. It had about 75% of the power as the other ones, but I had the sick fucking stereo and I was actually listening to my own songs.
i sent dale a video of me listening to my own band in the in the fucking utv rushing through the desert and the mountains and it was sick um is this an aux cord or is this like a bluetooth situation it's bluetooth but none of the other cars none of none of the other cars had a radio i'm the only one that did but it was really fun because we had so we did have walkies which if you're if you're an adult man a walkie talkie is like amazing
Well, I'm so upset by it that I've already thought about how we're going to change the number probably. There's just no way that I'm going to be a responsible holder of the voicemail inbox. But I'm just glad it got set up and that people are calling. For those of you that are just tuning in, last time on the episode, I worked my IT whiz kid skills, my Arab skills of being an IT person.
It was so much fun. We're all on the walkies. Me and John and Lev got separated from the rest of the gang because we were going 120 miles per hour. Those other pussies were going a little slower.
Blake didn't even drive.
No, no. He was passenger because the last time we did this, which was a different... No, it wasn't even a bachelor party. We just all happened to be... Oh, no. It was a birthday party. We were in Palm Springs. We rented the same kind of vehicles. Yeah. And that time, everyone got their own vehicle and... And two of those vehicles flipped over. Oh, boy. One of them being Blake's. Oh, boy.
So Blake climbed this dune, like a pretty big dune that I think was meant for dirt bikes. And he tumbled down. He rolled over like four times. Oh, no. Yeah, he got a concussion. Oh, fuck. So he's scarred. And also had to fucking pay for it. Yeah. It's like, motherfucker, you should have checked the box for insurance. I know. So he had to pay, I think it was $3,000. No.
And then I literally last time, this is why I didn't, I was like, I'm not going with these people. There's no way I'm going to trust, put my life into these people's hands. And last time Lev...
i saw him i was next to him he was i was going the same speed as him but he like hit a bump and literally did a fucking a complete flip and then bounced and landed upside down i mean these things are so dangerous but they're so fucking fun dude we were ripping um but no thankfully this time no no flip overs
no damage everyone got out scott free uh i i almost flew off a cliff because at one point at one point we switched cars and i let somebody else have the music car yeah and then i i got in that 220 horsepower and i fucking was like this is it was way more fun honestly the more powerful one okay But way more dangerous.
And I think for me, I do have a little bit of an adrenaline junkie vibe, especially when I get behind the wheel of something fast. And there was one point where I almost fell off a cliff. And I was like, you know what? It's probably better that I have the slow car.
our hero Kareem has flown off a cliff and there will be no more episodes of this show. That's so fucked up and sad and true. It's funny that that's your first thought is that how am I going to communicate this to the audience?
What's more embarrassing, dying from a fentanyl overdose or dying from falling off a cliff?
No, and I mean Fentanyl like if I'm secretly doing coke.
And my wife doesn't know. And then in the obituary, it's like apparently he was addicted to drugs.
So, driving off a cliff is more... Yeah, because it's like a fucking cartoon, dude.
And I set up a Google voice number where people can call in and submit their takes and Now, am I going to repeat that number on this episode? I don't know yet because we might have to get a new number because I don't want to be the guy that's managing the voicemail inbox. But rest assured, there will be a number that people can call.
That would be how I go, though. I feel like that is a Kareem... I did a bit. He did what he loved until the end of his time, which was doing bits.
It is hilarious. It's sad when people die, but at least he died doing what he loved. Yeah, exactly. Writing his invention. yeah yeah that's nice so the utv night was great and then uh and then the third day we went on two hikes not one but two hikes in uh rocky mountain national park and it was great uh lev got his drone stuck in a tree
Lev has a new hobby which I think is good for him he needs a hobby his new hobby is flying drones okay and how do you feel about him having this particular hobby I think it's great because he's kind of artistic with it. He has an Instagram account. Okay. Everyone go follow it and comment. Kareem sent me here because I think he'll get a kick out of that.
What the hell, what the hell is up, Subway Takes Gang? It is your boy, Kareem Rahma. I don't know if I can say Subway Takes Gang, because that's, I think, call her daddy's daddy gang. But whatever, we'll talk about that later. I'm joined by...
But the Instagram account is called Global Drone Travel. And so Lev takes this drone everywhere.
It's like how I always say, You know, that the people that hold cameras are just human tripods. And I'm the talent. You know what I mean? It's like, how hard can it be to just point a camera at something interesting? And I happen to be the thing that is being pointed at. So, yeah, I think in theory, the drone operator is... It's a technical job. You just have to know how to fly it.
But, I mean, if you're in Rocky Mountain National Park, like...
Like the Rocky Mountain National Park video sounds like Ibiza.
You like how I'm saying it properly?
Ibiza.
No compilation. He did do a video that he directed during the UTV day and he also did another video that he directed during the hike day. So you should just check him out. Global Drone Travel. Leave a comment. Say Kareem sent you here. Make love his day because he's been complaining that his account is being suppressed by the government and he's not growing anymore.
I saved it in my phone as Subway takes hotline.
His wife bought him this drone as a birthday present with his money. It was $2,000. Oh, fuck. He got us stuck in a tree, and he had to climb the tree, which Lev is not a super athletic guy. Yeah. But he was willing to die. Again, final destination. This man had to climb 150 feet into a tree to retrieve his drone.
It was really high. Maybe it was 100. I don't know. But risky.
How many feet is like 10 to 15 men standing on top of each other?
You might have to make a new jingle now. Okay, so the current number is 347-746-5518. That's the current number. I don't know how long that will be the number.
Okay. So 60 to 72 feet. Still pretty high.
Yeah. But he got it out, which was great. Yeah. And then we did some mushrooms and it was fun. We had a good time. It was a great time.
Wow, you're right. That's a good callback. Yeah, I think you're absolutely correct. The hat was speaking to the future.
Yeah, everyone survived. It was sick.
Yes, that's a great thing that people should do. I mean, bachelorette parties seem to do it all the time. They're always making merch. So why can't men have merch?
I'm starting to make one piece of merch.
Oh, they loved the merch.
Yeah, and it's a nice little takeaway. I mean, I'll probably wear the hat because it's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Like, it's such a good hat.
Next episode, I will wear it.
It was a great weekend. Wait, should we listen to our hotline thing? Yeah.
I've never listened to the hotline. I didn't listen to the things.
I just think that maybe what would be smart is if Dale set up the Google Voice number so it goes straight to his inbox.
Oh, shout out, Oklahoma man. I love you too. That's fucking great. Look, I'm going to have to 100% disagree on that. I'm sorry. I see what he's saying. I see what he's saying. He is the creator of Wes Anderson.
Exactly. There would be no aesthetic. There would be no Wes Anderson aesthetic without Wes Anderson. And no one has even come close to doing it like he does it. Even people who are inspired by Wes Anderson, you can immediately go, oh, they're trying to do a Wes Anderson. And you know what? I would even go so far as to say that no one even attempts it anymore.
There are no films that look like Wes Anderson because he's so good at it. But what I will agree with is that, sure, they have... I mean, I don't know, man. Look, I don't think that he's a brilliant genius, though he is a brilliant genius, but I don't think that he's a brilliant genius, but he is a brilliant genius. Which is it? I just think that, like, I get the point he's trying to say, but...
I do think that the majority of the Wes Anderson films are good. And I do think that there is variation. I mean, I love dogs is a whole new thing. Go back to the early days of bottle rocket. That wasn't even, it's not even in the, I don't even think that that's really a Wes Anderson film.
You know, um, I guess if you watch them all back to back, you might be like, I'm fucking don't want to, I can't do this anymore.
Or we can add it to the subwaytakes.gmail.com email address, but then somebody still has to download the messages and give it to Dale.
Like if you watch it, but he makes, he makes what I, I describe his movies as they're, they're literally cartoons. Yes. They're just, they're animated cartoons, but with real people in them. And I think when you walk into a Wes Anderson film, you know what you're going to get and you got to be in the mood for a Wes Anderson film, but I don't think that he sucks. Yeah. That's my take.
Well, let me ask you this question. Do you a hundred percent agree or a hundred percent disagree?
Whatever that guy just said.
I mean, I'm sure he works with some of the most talented people in the game. But here's an interesting thought that I just had, which is that if you were to take a Wes Anderson script and give it to Scorsese or something.
Do we still think it would be a good movie? I think it would.
Okay, pick a note. Jordan Peele.
The movie about the Asian guy that he doesn't like Asian people.
Yeah, that's sick.
Look, my point is, fine, give the script to me. That would probably be a bad movie.
that'd probably be a bad movie can you give a wes anderson script to a director and it would still and a good director and it would still be a good movie i think yes that's what my point is that i think the movies on their own royal tenenbaums darjeeling limited uh fucking mood midnight kingdom or a moon night kingdom moonrise maybe that maybe that one a little less i don't know if i like that one that much i gotta rewatch it
I don't like that idea. That does remind me of that idea that we had when we were making Subway Takes merch that never got released. That we were going to do a sick design of a shirt and then we were just going to put our random phone number on the shirt.
Let them cook.
100% agree. That's the fucking man right there. I think that he is on point. I think that this goes for so many things in our culture. Fucking everybody should have to be a server. Everybody should have to be a bartender. Everybody should have to be a busboy. Everybody should have to fucking work construction. Maybe not that one. But I think that he's 100% right. I think that the world...
of bureaucrats and even just rude shitty people this world would be a much better place if people had to work shitty jobs and experience shit i think everyone would be much happier in this in this world especially these people yeah look i agree you should get high on your own supply you gotta you gotta get high on your supply you gotta know what it is that you're putting out there if the product's shit but you gotta try it out you gotta know
I think that that's absolutely right. I mean, I think when it like you can't, it's kind of like this thing about, uh, it's like, it's the whole argument of the critic, right? Like there are some critics who get it. And then there are some critics who are like, I could do that, but I didn't. And now I'm mad and angry and I hate everyone. Probably like Wes Anderson boy over there. Yeah.
Odds are he went to film school and has not developed a cinematic voice. Although, shout out to my Oklahoma guy. I do like that you called in. But yeah, I think that the world would be cured of fucking war.
But that random phone number was either going to be the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building or just another random New York institution.
go oh you want oh no no oh you want to wage war cool for the first week you are on the front lines and then you can wage war yeah like the president i think a lot of these button pushing fucking sons of bitches would pull out of every bad thing and start treating people like humans instead of statistics and and the world and the city would be a better place for it
But because I have a habit of putting my name in everything, I think it has to be Kareem Rama's SocialistRepublicans.com. No, it's Republican Socialism with Kareem Rama. Sure, it could be that. But no, it's SocialistRepublicanism with Kareem Rama.
Oh. Well, let me take my go at it. Do we have any other takes?
100% agree. Why do these guys all have awesome voices?
They have the perfect voice for a person that calls in. Yeah. They all have call-in voice.
No, no, no. But like in a movie when you have like a scene where someone calls in, they all sound like that guy. All three of those guys sound like the same guy.
maybe just the same god it literally sounds like the same guy doing three slightly different variations it might be the same fucking guy but he's right i mean i think i think you know i think you will never if it's that whole thing where you like if you look back a year ago and you're not disgusted by your former self or at least cringed out by it then you haven't really grown as a person
And I think that's kind of the point, maybe the point that he's trying to make, which is that everyone's always learning, growing, experiencing new things, changing their mind, shifting their positions. I guess there's a small subsect of people who don't do that and what I like to call those people as idiots. Clinical term. No, it's like the people that were like they peaked in high school.
They were like, oh cool, this is my personality now and I'm now just going to be this for the rest of my life. Even if it doesn't work and they lose friends because they're losers now. But I think anyone who is self-aware or even the slightest bit enlightened...
What are you? Are you 100% agree or 100% disagree?
Wow.
Wow.
Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, I feel super grounded. No, no, no, no, no. But this is only a recent development in the lore of Andrew Kuo.
I think two years ago, you would agree with that guy.
That's the problem is you're too cocky now. Yeah. You're like, oh, I know myself. I know exactly what I want, but you really don't because you haven't been exposed to everything that there is.
I mean, I'm comfortable where I'm... See, this is the thing. I'm comfortable where I'm at, but I know the reason that life is worth living is because right around any corner or right around any day, there is a new surprise waiting to change me. And I absorb. I'm the absorber, bro. I'm the fucking absorber.
That's why I'm a socialist Republican, because I absorb ideas and I take them and I'm a sponge. So, yeah, I think, I don't know. I think you should sleep on it.
I think you have to sleep on it.
What a bunch of great bloke, a couple of great blokes.
Great idea.
No, but we need people to listen to the end.
Welcome to a Subway Takes meeting, internal meeting. This is how me and Andrew, this is how we develop all the ideas that you've seen. We say stuff like this and we go, well, maybe we should put it at the end so that people listen longer. That's called strategy.
That's genius. But, you know, we might be wrong. Yeah.
You like put it at the beginning. Let's put it at the beginning. We literally, now I'm like, should we put it at the beginning? The beginning is kind of tight, right? If we open the show with that?
we can figure it out maybe we should let people call in they can call in and let us know if they want to if their take on where we should put the takes what's it called what is the hot takes hot subway takes hotline that's a sick name
Subway Takes call-in line. And I'm excited for people to hear this little jingle that Dale cooked up.
Fucking jingle master over there.
There is a store. There is a Subway Takes store. Wait, there is literally a Subway Takes store that's still up.
Six of them sounded like children's songs.
There was not a lot of variation in the options. No, there were a couple.
Yeah, I like that. That's so fucking stupid. I love how stupid everything is. It's so good. Yeah, we should change the jingle every time. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Oh, God. What's the number?
Hold on. Let me pull up the number. Oh, yeah. Everyone, you can call in, guys. If you can call in and you leave us your take. Subway Takes Hotline. The number is 347-746-5518. That's 347-746-5518.
Oh, God. I probably should not see that movie. No, don't see that movie. I don't think I'm going to see that movie. Devin Sawa. Is he in it? Well, he was the OG. Wasn't he the OG? I know, but is he in the new one?
I don't know if we still have that URL. Let's check. SubwayTakes.org.
I would see it if he was in it. Yeah, he thought it was great. I would have him as a guest on the show.
I don't know.
Well, I've been asked so many times who my dream Subway Taste guest is. I've been asked it so many times. And I finally have my answer.
The man you all know and love recently, Subway takes producer and co-creator Andrew Kuo, as well as our lovable little guy, who's actually not that little, he's yacked, he's yoked, Dale Isinger, who is the producer of the pod.
The one person that I would pitch to.
Ben Affleck.
I think Ben Affleck is so sick.
He does the work of acting, dude. Matt Damon sucks.
Ben Affleck is a much better actor.
That's literally... Affleck has way more range. And depth. Maybe young Matt was a contender because he was kind of hot. But current Matt Damon is not doing it for me. But Affleck is doing it for me. That guy's lived a life.
Yeah, because Ben Affleck is a good actor. He can get cast. I would love to interview Ben Affleck on the subway.
Oh, a little collab.
Socialist capitalism.
Republican socialism. Socialist republicanism. Well, I gotta go.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a real work day. Well. Oh, okay. Is there a bird in your house, Dale?
I always forget he lives upstate.
Is there a bird in your house, Andrew?
Are there birds in your house? I ain't talking about hoes. That's a rap lyric that I just... Yeah, maybe I'll just not do that. Maybe I won't pursue that career.
I mean, new thangs.
Yeah, it was not good.
Maybe I'll do rap rock.
Like Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit.
I think a lot of things have come back, but that hasn't come back yet. I wouldn't know. But yeah, if it hasn't, then yes, it should come back. I think we can bring it back. Dale, cook up our rap rock instrumental.
Oh, really?
Was that before or after the Indie Sleeves revival?
I think I got rid of the URL and now it redirects to realprize.com.
I do. I do. All right. I gotta go.
See you later. Bye.
Sick. Okay, nice. So that was fun. Anyways, I just got off of a three-day bachelor party in Denver.
It wasn't in Denver. It wasn't in Denver. It was actually in a little town called Granby.
Granby, Colorado.
No, no one's ever heard of it.
Nick.
Well, let me tell you, Nick's nickname is BDN. Any guesses?
No, BDN. Big Dick Nick.
I'm ESL.
So BDN picked it. BDN is a friend of the group chat. He's a friend of the group chat that I almost got kicked out of. And he lives in Denver. So he's the one that kind of... He did a great job.
So BDN's gay. And his planning is meticulous.
So he did meticulous planning. So on the agenda, day one, we arrived, which was Thursday, which means that we did not much because we got in at like 8 p.m. I think we had a nice little family-style dinner that night. You know, steaks and chicken that were cooked by Levon. You know, Levon? Lev?
Such a handsome, swarthy character. You always describe him as swarthy.
No, no. It's LeVon.
But that's because you saw him in a leather blazer once.
Leather blazers are tight.
I bet Dale could pull it off as well as myself.
Probably not.
I could definitely pull off a leather blazer.
Oh. Well, at least you're self-aware. Andrew, tell Marcus to shut the fuck up.
Tell Marcus to shut the fuck up.
Thank you, Marcus. Thank you, Marcus. So we had steaks and chicken grilled by Levon. And then day two was a real highlight. It was a real blast. I loved day two. Day two, we went to some hot springs. And we, you know, it was like kind of like this. It was kind of like a like a family owned hot springs zone. So it wasn't it wasn't nice by any means, but it was authentic. Yeah.
There was just no frills. It kind of reminded me of the Russian Turkish bathhouse in the East Village or in Wall Street, except outside.
No, it wasn't like that. And it wasn't like Bathhouse, which we now know, Bathhouse Williamsburg, which we now know you can get gonorrhea at.
No, no, I'm not. Did you not read the expose?
I don't mind. I mean, I'm sure you don't want to take it down because you think that there's some sort of business development to be had.
I'm happy to take it down. I don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit. I mean, I read the news and it said that you can get syphilis and gonorrhea at Bathhouse Williamsburg and Flatiron. I said, I'm never going back.
He's usually yoked up. He's a yoked guy. Guys, stop. Come on. Well, in the band that Dale and I are in, which is called Tiny Gun, oftentimes we refer to Dale as Mr. Yolk. Right. Muscles, not egg.
That's how you know they're guilty.
guilty they would say these are allegations we we firmly believe that bathhouse williams bergen bathhouse flat iron do not have syphilis and gonorrhea and we always take the best care and cleaning seriously in our facilities but they didn't do that they just said here's 25 off your
I think if you're sitting in a pool filled with piss and gonorrhea and syphilis, you can definitely get it.
There's definitely piss, and I've pissed in there.
I fucking drink piss. I don't give a fuck.
No, but you know what else is hilarious is that now they run Instagram ads And they put like hot girls in the Instagram ads. And they're like, oh, I just had such a stressful day at work. Let me take my clothes off and enter the bathhouse. Thinking that that's going to get... I'm just like, all I can see when I see those ads is like, she probably has syphilis.
I don't think they used to have ads. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I see. Because I never saw one. And then after the allegations, the ads were everywhere in my feeds. All my feeds, even Facebook.
Things ain't good. Things ain't good when you start seeing Instagram ads.
I don't know if they can recover from something like that, to be completely honest with you.
I mean, we have been there. That's funny.
I think that's just called hanging out. Okay, got it. I think that's just what we just hung out for a couple hours. I used to go to all the bathhouses quite a bit. I was thinking about this the other day when I was in Granby, Colorado at the Hot Springs. I feel like I used to go to the Russian Turkish once a week, and now I just don't go anymore.
I'm just suffering from success. I don't have time to relax.
Between my wildly successful career as an online entertainer and my offline career as a good father, there's no time to self-care.
No, no, but the lore is that Dale is Jewish.
It's kind of in the middle.
I mean, I took Karina on a date night last night, and I just got back from fucking Granby, Colorado.
But think about how good of a husband that is. I get back from three days of debauchery, and I slide right into a goddamn date night. I mean, father and husband of the year award.
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. So she's been reading the Keith McNally book. So we went to Pastis because she's never been.
It'll work. It'll work. I mean, what we usually do for date night is we go to a movie. And I like to go to Nighthawk in Prospect Park because it's close by. And you can kind of double up on food and entertainment. But the only thing that I hadn't really seen was Final Destination. And... As I get older, I don't know if I want to see Final Destination.
No, the painter.
We do have to agree.
You guys are driving me nuts.
Yeah, but you're the boss. You're the manager.
I mean, I would like to know. Drop a comment if you like the boys episodes. Boys only.
Well, as a social media expert and online internet entrepreneur, they can actually comment on Spotify now.
Directly under the episode.
Yeah. Okay. Oh, one thing we need to figure out is how to fucking set up a Google Voice thing.
Yeah, I want people to call in.
But for some reason, I'm banned and you're also banned. Neither of us can set up Google Voice. I have a feeling it's because we both used it for nefarious reasons. Wait, now I do have it.
no no i went to my i went to just voice.google.com and apparently i have one unread message one missed call and one new voicemail oh shit that's but i don't i don't know what my phone number is that's who are you giving this number out to you at one point then you must have been giving this number out to if you've got uh voicemails waiting for can you try calling me
How do I find my number? To call and text, get a Google Voice number. But what?
Now, you had a vows, the illustrious vows announcement in the New York Times. Something of a flex. You think? I don't know. I feel like maybe when the paper was important... and not the digital version. It was like a real flex. Do you know what I mean? It was like, oh, you're in Vows. Maybe now it's less of a flex. I don't know. I'm not saying this is like an asshole. No, no, no.
I'm so confused, dude. This doesn't make any sense. It's saying that I'm able to receive calls, but I don't know what my phone number is. You want to try it?
Oh, my God. I don't know what's happening. I guess they're using my actual phone number in Google Voice.
I'm literally lost right now. Google's not a mess. Google's awesome.
I think that they would just submit their takes. Wow, I have a phone number now.
I don't want to go through this.
Should I go back? Because last time I did this, I got kicked out. And now they're letting me have a number. Oh, they're like teasing you. I'm taking the number. I'm taking what they're giving me.
It's fucking New Jersey, dude. They don't have any New York numbers left. But at least we have this now.
That's rude. New Jersey's cool.
You're so rude.
Of course. We have all the time in the world. Wait, I have a phone number and I forgot to copy it and paste it. Oh, I have it. All right. People can call us. What's the number? All right, guys. What's up? My name is Kareem Rama, host of Subway. You know how I alternate between Rama and Rahma. So guys, you can call us. I just set up a Google voice.
You can call us and leave your take and we'll play it on the show. I think that's what we'll do. or leave comments and feedback and suggestions. The number is 347-746-5518. Again, that's 347-746-5518.
What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Let me tell you all about it. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Just like me. Just kidding. I can't. I don't think I can say that. Anyways, I love Squarespace. I have been using it for quite some time now. And it's dang awesome.
Whether you're doing an online store and you have services or products for sale, Squarespace gives you everything you need to grow your business and get paid. Analytics makes it easier to make smart business decisions. And with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools, it's easy. And last but not least, the cutting edge design.
With Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. So head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wait, so why do you want to talk about Garden State?
No, dude. It was totally a moment in time. I look back on that movie as a moment in time. Right. And sometimes when I'm in the doldrums, I think about that movie.
No, I feel like the guy. I feel like Zach Braff in that film.
Yeah, and his mom died and he has to see all his old freak friends.
I mean, when I went to Minneapolis during the pandemic and the George Floyd cultural revolution, race revolution, civil rights movement, slash my brother was in the hospital almost dead, and I was getting a divorce all at the same time, I felt like him. I was back home for three months, first time in a long time. Everyone's dying, upheaval everywhere.
I wasn't a failure, but I was certainly not a success. And I remember that I felt like that movie.
But I do... I do wonder how they choose like who goes because one week it's you and Malou and another week it's like this Texas couple who met at a ranch and is now getting married in like the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
But no, that's when I moved back. That's when I moved back to New York.
No, that was in Bed-Stuy.
In Minneapolis, I was exclusively drinking alcohol. I lost a lot of weight. I looked awesome.
I mean, the all-drinking diet will get you slim.
Speaking of diets, I've lost five pounds.
Yeah. All natural, too.
Every morning.
Every morning. I mean, I'm serious about it this time. I'm actually trying to get healthy. I wouldn't call it fit. Okay. That's going a little too far, but I'm trying to get healthy.
Yeah, it was definitely vanity. I definitely have a fat belly. The fattest belly I've ever had, which I don't like. And the clothes are just not fitting nicely. I also think when I hold my baby, I look huge.
I know, but it really looks weird. Like, it looks like I'm a little too large, I think. I'm trying to pull up this photo from the bar. Look at this photo. Like, I'm a little too large, I'd say, compared to the baby.
No, no, I'm pulling it up right now.
I mean, I am sitting in a weird position, but look how little the baby is.
yeah for sure and I know we talked about this before how you really like your arms I would say your arms are big but not so much definition maybe no not right now but they used to have definition I don't know I'm doing it by phase I think if I lose some fat my definition will come back by design because I'm just I'm muscular like on my scale I have like one of those smart scales what's smart about it
It tells me my BMI. It shoots some fucking electrodes through my body. I don't know. And then it also syncs with my phone.
So the smart scale says that I have really good muscle mass. Strong muscle mass.
Yeah, yeah. BMI high.
My BMI is 35%.
And I think a fit is like 20%, right? Yeah. Under. 20 and under.
I don't even want that. I want to lose 10%. But my muscle mass is excellent.
I heard I got many people sent photos to me.
No, they give you a percentage too. They give you a percentage. So my BMI is 35% high. Yeah. And my body fat is 34% high. Yeah. And my muscle mass is 59.3% excellent. God, okay. Yeah.
But I know how, what's the technology? I think they like shoot electricity through your body or something.
Like I think it goes up one leg and out the other and depending on how long it takes to travel, something like that.
No, I'd thought about it. I'd thought about it before. I was like, this must be... I haven't Googled it yet, but I was like, maybe they shoot like an electrode. I mean, I don't know if that's the right word, but they shoot something up one leg and it comes down the other. And depending on how long it takes and how much fat it has to jump over.
It's wading through piles of fat. No, because I don't even know if we talked about this before, but on...
you know i gained like i was already a little chunky like when i met karina i was pretty fit i wasn't fit i was unhealthy but i was skinny yes you know i was still on i was still on the alcohol diet and then we met and obviously you gained the you know the relationship 10 i think that's normal usually yeah
and then she got pregnant and i think stress and work a lot of work you know the road the road to a million was not simple and then the baby was born and i think i just continued fucking just not paying it i i had i have i've had a gluttonous three or four years which is a long time to be gluttonous
And then now I'm back on... I don't know about you, but I never used to think before I ate something. I'd just be like, I want a burger. I eat a burger. I want chicken tender for lunch. I eat chicken tender. There's never a thought of maybe I should choose the healthy option.
And now that is currently what my diet is. is that I make the healthy choice as much as I can, which is like 95% of the time I make the healthy choice. Even if I'm going to have popcorn, like me and Dale went to see Mission Impossible 11 or whatever the other day. 11 in the franchise. And usually I get popcorn and I smother it with the butter sauce. Oh.
And this time I got popcorn with no butter sauce.
The raw dog popcorn is a fairly healthy snack with low calories. Right. But when you smother it in fucking that butter sauce, it literally goes from 400 calories to like 1,500 or 2,000.
yeah yeah it's like a burrito yeah i mean i mean did you have less joy though i'm sure it was less joyful eating that not really i honestly like like it's like it's like if you're flying if you've never flown business class right you don't know what you're missing out on yeah but who hasn't flown business class A lot of people have business class. Your pretentiousness is showing.
If the New York Times wedding column didn't give it away, let's read some excerpts. Let's read some excerpts. Here's a funny one. You guys assuming that your kids are going to be cool artists and want to get married under your fucking custom piece of wood that you guys built. Yeah. I mean, that's... I love that you call it a custom piece of wood. That's a little... That's a reach.
Yeah, that's a reach. The plan... Mr. Quo's close friend, Peter Vickray, a woodworker, made an eight-by-four-foot arched structure that the couple has repurposed as an entrance for their vegetable and flower garden, period. That's where the sentence should have ended.
But it goes on to say, the plan... The plan is that it would become a family heirloom and that their children could have it in their gardens and get married in front of it one day. What makes you think that your children are going to want to get married under a custom piece of wood that you built? What?
We'll have to read the fucking style section to find out.
I think she did it.
Just annotate it. The Three Wise Men is cool. I like that.
I'm glad they included a picture of the Three Wise Men. Who are those guys? They seem sick as fuck.
They're all wearing sunglasses. They're so sick.
One thing that I thought was really funny about the article is that it mentioned the word creative or creativity or creatively about eight times.
Do you feel like you can do that?
Like, could we be cool like that? I mean, I know I can. I'm already 38, but I identify as 27.
You got to spend time with young people and you got to do what you want to do.
Yes. Punk.
Punk attitude. You know, your Nike hats. Punk. What? Your Nike hat that you're wearing.
Is it Nike?
Golf is sick.
Golf is punk. I met DJ Khaled's manager at a dinner once and he was his manager for 15 years and he told me that DJ Khaled has made more money by just being on the golf course in the past two years than he has in like 10 years.
He's just on the fucking tea. What's it called? The tea off?
He's on the tea box with CEO of whatever, United Healthcare, RIP.
I know this because I control F'd it.
I would love to golf with you. I'm a natural.
I'll come upstate.
To my second residence.
I don't know about that. I really don't think that that's true, but let's move beyond that. I'm going to a bachelor party tomorrow. Where are you going? I'm going to one of the coolest places in the world, especially to have a stag party. I'm going to Denver, Colorado.
I was like literally why do they keep saying creative in this article when you guys met you were buzzing with creativity and then a month felt a similar surge of creativity during their first like it's just it's about creative people having a having a wedding and a baby.
No, no, no, no. We have no connection to Denver. So it's my good friend who still lives in Minneapolis. But all like our group of friends includes Jerry, Blake, John, Lev. Okay. It's kind of that group of guys. Cool guys.
And he's the one that stayed behind. He's also cool. I think you met him at Subway Takes Live.
Yeah, it's in Denver. I've opted out of a couple. Well, here's the thing. It was like in the group chat. Lev actually did a great job. Lev put together a fucking Google form, like top locations, people voted, blah, blah, blah. Wow. And I was doing behind the scenes campaigning.
what the fuck is up subway takes gang it's your boy kareem rahma joined again by subway takes co-creator and producer andrew quo who is logging in from his home in upstate new york where he lives uh what's going on andrew
To get us to go to Ireland, to get us to go to Dublin. I thought that was cool because no one's ever been to Ireland, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So Ireland was in the lead.
Followed by Lake Tahoe in a close second, which I was also like, look, it's different, but it's cool. We can have like a boat or something. Yeah, that's cool. And then for some reason, like Denver, like kind of pulled ahead a little bit. And then all of a sudden the rules were changed.
And all of a sudden the bachelor's vote counted as double.
No, Eric is the best.
And then he's an accommodating person. So he was like, look, you guys are all dads and blah, blah, blah. And I'm trying to make it easy for everyone. I think Denver Central and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, who gives a fuck? And I was saying this in the group chat. I was saying this in the group chat. And I almost got kicked out.
I did and I was like and I was doing great great funny emails. I was I was bombarding. I was pulling in Israel and I was hitting them from every angle. I hit him in the group chat. I hit him over email. There was a time where I was using chat GPT to make my emails even more snarky. Oh, like really being aggressive and tell until somebody was like hey, I think Rick is starting to feel bad.
I will fuck Rick. So this is one of the... So it was decided on Denver. Forms complete. Oh, see, Lake Tahoe is currently leading the pack. Eric, any final adjustments to your preferences? Blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden...
so it's denver blah blah blah and then i got upset and then i said oh wow denver is just so amazing how could we ever consider anywhere else i mean where else can we find such a perfect combination of insufferable fat frat bros depressing architecture and fat ugly women but hey Maybe Brainerd, Minnesota is actually the gem here.
It's got all the same incredible features, uninspired buildings, a social scene that makes you want to claw your eyes out, and the added bonus that we've already been there. So we know exactly what kind of disappointment to expect. Honestly, why wouldn't we just go to Brainerd anyways? It's basically Denver's long-lost twin of mediocrity. I am pumped to spend time with you all.
ChatGBT came in hot. That's sick. And then people started, and then that set off a new chain reaction of everyone using ChatGBT. Okay, let's just address the elephant in the room, or perhaps the frat bro in Denver. To be unequivocally clear, we are going to Lake Tahoe. The spreadsheet has spoken, and Tahoe is the destination. This is why I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Yeah, dude.
And then Rick chimed in again. Guys, per my text, what the fuck is going on right now? I still think Denver's the best option for the bachelor party for the reasons listed. We have a local man, which I said, who cares about the local man? Denver's not that hard to navigate it. Tahoe is nice, but we'll spend 65% of our time traveling to from.
Anyways, it went off the rails and then I got kicked off and then I got reprimanded by two people.
I was being too mean. Oh, wow. Why are your friends such pussies, dude? I called Rick and I said, hey, man, obviously I'll go wherever. I was just really trying to make a case for one last hurrah as you're the last bachelor in the group. Right.
And so they're doing a bachelor party for the bachelor party when everyone knows that the bachelor party is for the party.
Like, we go where we want to go, not where The Bachelor wants to go. The Bachelor's along for the ride. Right. But you don't go, oh, he wants to go to Denver. Who gives a fuck? We want to go to Ireland.
My whispering failed. My campaigning failed.
I mean, you've seen me pitch.
Well, here's the little bit of saving grace. It's actually in Colorado. What? Okay, what's your point? Like we won't be in Denver. Okay. We're going to like the mountain. Okay, got it. So a bunch of dudes hanging out in a cabin by yourselves. Yeah, I heard we're going to hike. I think there might be some whitewater rafting.
you know it'll be it'll be cool yeah um and what i did to make a gesture of goodwill so that everyone knows i am excited about the bachelor party and the bachelor party is tomorrow so you know no one will hear this episode until then as i i bought i made i made hats oh that's fun oh so you really so you really did fuck up big time that you actually have to like go out there and
hand craft some bullshit wow i made i made hats they say i survived eric's denver bachelor party no it says i went to eric's denver bachelor party dot dot dot and i survived oh that's tight and it's like a really funny font okay it's like a it's like a funny like swirly font yeah and so i'm i'm excited about revealing those at the bachelor party oh that's good that's good because yeah because i because i do think you probably set a tone where everyone's really worried that
And now you're showing up. No, they don't care if I'm going to have a good time. They just think I'm an asshole.
But I've known them. And I was explaining... Because people were like, you can't be so mean. And I was like, we are great friends. We are all... We are good friends.
We are great friends. I was going to say best friends, but men shouldn't have best friends. I agree with that. And so we are great friends and you're allowed to bust balls.
In fact, I think that's a sign of a healthy friendship.
I hope he's not paying. I don't care. I mean, I'm in agreement that, you know, he shouldn't pay. Right. So I would assume he's not paying. We haven't discussed it, but I think that is the quiet understanding.
why don't you frame it well why would i frame it it's a nice it's a keepsake it is a keepsake i will let me ask you this have you framed all the stuff that you've been in uh in the press about i framed some stuff i i framed stuff uh i just started doing it because uh our good friend adam faze he he gifted me once our first keep the meter running new york post article and
It doesn't need to be discussed, because they're good friends. Right, right, right, right, right. And this guy is, you know, he's flying everyone to Italy for his wedding, which is tight. But we're paying for the flights.
He's paying for everyone to be in Italy.
Those who can.
Those who can should. It's okay. They don't. I mean, it's expensive. It is expensive, but it's okay.
Yeah, he's a good guy. I mean, he's a great guy. It's just that he was trying to accommodate, which I feel like you shouldn't even bother.
Like, are you sure?
And no one even smokes weed. Like, it's not like people are like, oh, yeah, let's go get fucking stoned. Yeah.
I'm fairly certain there's going to be a good amount of synthetic drugs available.
It means they don't come from plants. Oh, I see. Got it.
But I'm like, I don't want to lick Molly in a house full of four guys or seven guys in a mountain.
It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.
Last time we went to a bachelor, we had the same group that has done many bachelor parties. Mexico City was a blast. Montreal, good time. Yeah.
Because my life is a bachelor party player.
My life is literally a bachelor party. Right. You don't know about my trip in June. I'm going on this insane trip in June.
One week. Just fucking vibing.
Yeah, my life is a bachelor party, Pam.
What are you going to do the rest of the day?
Well, the personal significance is that Karina and I had gone to Jamaica like two or three times.
And the first time we ever talked about having a baby was when we were in Jamaica.
Exactly. And I think we were just like, I don't know. That's just what I put on. It wasn't a conversation. We didn't have a conversation. I just was like, oh shit, the baby's coming. I was like, what?
what music should i put on and that's what i did and then i fucking blasted off some bob marley and then our room became lit in the hospital and there was all these jamaican nurses everyone came in our room oh that's nice they were like oh this is sick and so people were just hanging out and people probably thought you might have been jamaican i'm like oh yeah yeah you're fair i just thought they thought it was sick because they were just like oh we don't really hear this much because you'd probably hear a lot of like whooshing sounds and little chimes oh okay oh you mean like oh vibe setting music
Yeah, people do the vibe setting music and they put on pregnancy playlists. But I was like, I'm going to put on fucking Bob Marley. Yeah, you're going to fucking party. But I forgot the song. I have to find which song it was.
uh in a frame and then when i went to his house or his office i noticed that he frames a lot of stuff like he has his new york magazine he has his new york magazine thing framed okay uh a bunch of different stuff and i was like you know what that's actually like kind of cool
I mean, it was like the last moment. So it was like probably, you know, 30 minutes of Bob Marley.
I did cut the cord. It was cool.
I was a little afraid to do it, but then I just did it because I'm a beast.
Are you going to get a moil?
Yesterday, I called Karina a little moil.
She said, what is that? And I was like, it's the guy that cuts people's foreskins when they're babies.
Well, I'm glad that you're not getting them cut because I'm pretty sure they messed up mine.
Keeping in mind, I was born in Egypt.
I think they used rusty scissors.
Well, I'll give you a description. I haven't inspected many people's penises. Okay. Like I've seen penises, but I haven't had them in or close to my face. Right. But I'm pretty sure when I look down at mine, I'm like, it's not a clean job.
I feel like they did like an 80% circumcision. Oh, they left some. They left a little on top. Right. They left a little on top.
You know, we don't have Emmys and Oscars yet, but we do have these little kind of like, you know, it's a reminder that you have done something press-worthy, which is, if not as good as being recognized by some sort of academy and earning yourself a little trophy, you know, you make your own trophy.
I'm trying to see my penis.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, you can't trust her.
Well, assuming, assuming the kid's not going to use his Chinese name, like, does it even matter? You name it whatever the fuck you want.
I like the Z dot, though.
Yeah, but it's like, it's unique. It's also kind of like tech. Or like a robot, like a Z1000. Yeah, like futuristic.
Well, his nickname could be ZDoc.
that's really a crazy move people are fucking weird so weird ku zero zero that's not tight um well i have to go to lunch oh yeah i'm going to the odeon for lunch yeah who picked that was it you or brenda brenda i like that that's a that's a i think that's a strong choice i know reservation too which i think is very cool yeah do you know what you're gonna get
I'm on a diet, so I have to look at the menu.
I don't know if I want to order a fucking $25 omelet. Not that I care about the money. It's good. It's goat cheese. I know. I went to Balthazar recently and I got that.
I think I would rather have a salad with chicken. Yeah, I guess. When me and Griffin Dunn went to lunch, we got the same order.
We went to Cafe Select. His choice.
Better than going to lunch at fucking Sweetgreen like us millennials.
I mean, having this fucking article is self-congratulatory. So, dude, I don't know. I'm honestly shook by the fact that that would even be a thought. Yeah, yeah. Congratulations to us. We got married. Let's put it in the Times.
I don't love Sweetgreen.
And I'm going to be hungry in 25 minutes. Yeah. Well, tell Brenda I said hi. I will. We should have her on the pod. She's funny. She's so funny, dude.
All right. I got to go piss and then I got to go to lunch.
You shouldn't send it.
Well, here's what's up with me. Here's another question that might be a little personal. But had Malou not wanted a Vows feature, would you have done it?
You said to me... Did I?
Yes, you did. I have text. You said, holy shit, I forgot to do the vows thing and Baloo really wanted it.
Do you want me to pull up the text? No, we don't need receipts.
And I need to get this done. And you went for it and you got it done, which is one of the reasons I really like working with you. And I like you as a friend as you get things done, you know, 72 hours down to the wire. But so you wanted it.
Then why did you want it? See, I want a lot of things in life. I don't want that at all.
Yeah, I do that. But my thing is that in the press, I'm always talking about work.
right like i don't i rarely reveal you know this podcast is probably the most personal version of me that people get on the internet you know i mean like i i don't i don't post incessantly on my stories i don't vlog i'm not like oh i'm in fucking paris or whatever like until i get back from paris and then i'm like i was in paris you know what i mean like
I'm not actively sharing my life, which is why I wanted to start this podcast. It feels like a good adult male version of oversharing is podcasting. But imagine if I was one of those guys. Imagine if I was an Instagram girl. Okay, go on. Oversharing on my stories and documenting my every move.
And then people like you more because they develop a relationship with you, even if it's a one-way relationship. But that is the way that celebrities become... That's why reality TV is so effective. It's because you feel like you know these people. And everyone knows that to generate a stronger, deeper connection with your audience or whatever, you have to put more of yourself out there.
And I personally was not comfortable doing that on the social media. Right. So this podcast is the solution for that. And it's funny because I love attention.
If I don't get a little crumb or morsel of attention every day, I develop a sense of depression.
Maybe I'm also getting enough attention from my child.
I'm a super fun dad. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I don't know. I think... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I'll have one of those.
Are you kidding me? Dude, I was mentioned in yours. I would probably get a front page spread.
Well, I'm a simp for my wife. So literally, if she wants it, I'll do it. Yeah. I think she'll probably want it. It's a nice little token. I'm a proper simp.
Someone who is bi-coastal, such as yourself, would have a hospital plan. for both homes.
I'm a simp. I'm a romantic guy. As you know, I got my engagement ring even though we already have a baby and we're already planning a small shindig. And I was like, I still need to propose properly.
It's not the kind of work that I enjoy.
Yeah, it's very messy and it shouldn't be messy because there's literally 25 people coming.
That's great. Well, now I've revealed on the pod that I'm having a small wedding in Egypt. Everyone's invited. Everyone's invited. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. Not everyone's invited. The New York Times is not invited. Although, I mean, the beef has been squashed. We had a longstanding beef.
No, it wasn't. No, no, no. It was a real fight. It was between them and I. Yeah.
I believe that we came to a mediation.
It was a little tit for a tat. Are you the tit or are you the tat? I was the tat.
Exactly. So exactly my point. You should be able to be in Manhattan. The tub is the same.
I was definitely the tat. Okay, that's good. Because they titted first.
They titted first and I tatted back.
Snap back, clap back.
Do you think that's probably from Vows?
Wow, you didn't follow back?
Let me tell you something, Dale. Dale, let me tell you something. As Andrew's good friend and close collaborator, I didn't get a follow back for about five months.
Yeah. Here's the etiquette. You have to follow your friends and the people that you interact with on a regular or semi-regular basis.
Oh, a business is going down. Instagram is the new website, the new LinkedIn, the new dating app.
Shout out Instagram. That's where business happens. That's where you stand on business 10 toes down.
Although actually, Dale, I have a suggestion for you. What's that? I don't like your Instagram name.
No, they're like, who is this? Because that's why Andrew didn't follow you back.
I think if you are a 38-year-old professional man or woman, you have to use your name.
You should potentially get that fixed.
There are probably 10 billion Andrew Quo's.
He does get all the shout-outs. Every single person thinks that Andrew Kuo does. They're like, oh, I didn't know that Andrew Kuo does podcasting.
You saw everything Subway Takes had to offer or that Instagram had to offer, and you decided to make your own account.
No, it looks fucking sick. Especially as a drummer wearing a cropped tee, people are like, that guy fucks for sure. The standard tee is not for me.
It's really slutty. That was kind of the vibe last season. I wonder what the vibe is this season. What do you think the vibe is this season?
I'm wearing a muscle tee at our show on Thursday.
No, but you can wear a wife beater. A wife. A wife lover.
My bad. It's actually an A-shirt. That's what they call it on Amazon.com.
I'm also sure it is one that's a sleeveless tee.
Or is it just... Is it tighter on the... It depends on if... I'd say that the store-bought ones are tighter around the shoulder zone. And then the homemade ones, you got that deep hole.
I think the deep hole looks good. I think I look good in muscle tees because I do have pretty nice arms and a couple of tattoos that look nice. But that's where I would... Yeah, because I feel like a muscle tee, you have a little bit of attitude.
Yeah.
I mean, you cut the bottom of the shirt off. You're like, fuck the bottom. You cut the sleeves off. Fuck the sleeves. You know, like a regular T is just not very appealing to me as a kind of a punk cool guy.
At the moment, I'm just removing one. And the one is this tattoo that I got after my father passed away. I got his name in Arabic. And it was my first tattoo that I ever got. And it was in college. And I fucking was like, Mom, how do you spell dad's name in Arabic? And she wrote it for me in a Sharpie. And it had Arabic at that time. I would say, had a very close proximity with the ISIS flag.
And so I went and put it... I asked the tattoo artist, I was like, can you put this on me? And he was like, you know, it's going to show up exactly as it's drawn, right? And I was like, yeah, no worries. And so he did it. And it did, in fact, look a little too Islamic Republic. No, it's not called this. It was too ISIS-y? What is ISIS called? What does it stand for, ISIS?
I don't know what it's... Oh, it's Islamic State of Iraq.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.
Just two countries, right? It looked a little bit like ISIS-y. And it was also just bad. I mean, it was like a Sharpie. It was spelled incorrectly. My mom wrote it a little bit wrong. It was vertical instead of horizontal, which is not how you read Arabic. It's how you read Chinese. And so there was just a lot of things wrong with it. So I was like, oh, I'm going to get this covered up.
That was for your domain name. That's what you were thinking about starting a website.
And so I went to this guy who... is a good tattoo artist. But at the time I was kind of in my fucking fuck boy era. And I was like, Hey, cover this up. And I kind of like nonchalantly was like, you can put whatever you want to like, I don't know, like a snake and a rose or something. But I like said that like nonchalantly.
No references. The only reference was when I said something like a snake and a rose or something or even just a snake. And he started just... No, he didn't draw. He didn't stencil. Usually, they stencil or trace the tattoo and show you what it's going to look like. He just free-handed without a trace or without a stencil. And he just started...
a snake and a rose and it was so like i didn't look at it while he was doing it because i was like it's gonna be sick and by the way where is it not clear where's this tattoo by the way is it like on the small of your back obviously or like it's on it's on my bicep okay got it okay it's on my bicep and um sorry hold on my super is calling me.
It's on my bicep and the original tattoo was like probably only like two inches long. Okay, cover up is probably like seven inches. It's like my whole bicep.
That was so weird. It was websites these days. I just got done recording a pod with famous comedian Ian Fidance.
yeah so i was like i should get i should now get this covered up because you can't cover up the cover up because the cover up is already a cover up and it's so big so that's the only one i'm getting rid of um it's taking a lot longer than i thought it would but you can finally start to see it fading oh wow okay all right and i also think i'm done i'm done getting new ones okay so you're you're you've hit um stasis from a i've hit stasis perspective okay
Yeah, I think I'm not going to get any new ones. I don't think I'll get any of them removed at the moment, like any additional ones, but I might before I die.
Okay, got it. You know, obviously I don't know when I'm going to die, but like if I have some time to know. Assuming I die of natural causes, I'll probably remove them when I'm like 67. So do you have any tattoos? You don't have any tattoos.
Ghetto Asians.
the other thing the other god oh it's definitely it's definitely on the internet it's called like uh i'm gonna go to urban dictionary.com yeah it's like the guys who have like rice rockets and shit like that and like souped up civics i'm not saying that i'm allowed to say that can i say that shit i don't know i think you can wait what the fuck there's a specific thing for that okay let's see here what do i type into urban dictionary asians
He seems great. He's pretty happy. He's a positive guy. You know, he's he's I think he said he's 15 years sober, which is pretty damn good or 10. I don't remember.
No, dude, I don't know. I don't know. This is going to bother me all day.
Asian fuck boy. No, that's not it. Asian. You told me about, you told me about this category of Asian guys.
I can't believe you don't know it. You don't know your people.
You don't know your culture.
Anyways. Wow, okay. Remember it for next time.
Because we got to go. We'll leave this on a cliffhanger for our audience.
Yeah, let's leave it. Tune in next time. Tune in next time. Anyways, stick around for that Ian Fidance episode. His original take was the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole.
I actually disagreed. I think you can navigate class in an upward way, not through looks or exploitation or showing whole.
Show hole.
Yeah. Or just shucking and diving. Okay. Shucking and driving. Okay, I gotta go. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Oh, it's just audio? Yeah, but I want to talk to you. I want to look at you while I'm talking. Well then, hats off. Dude. Put your pee-pee back inside your pants. I can't. Oh, that's a nice little flute. Thank you. No, but seriously, why does your Zoom say Shrimp King as your name? Shrimp King.
Dude, that's a prank you did to name me Shrimp King. Why would I prank you? You're my friend. I don't prank my friends. I prank my enemies.
Probably in like a pitch meeting with, with fucking HBO max.
So maybe it's the phones are listening, man. So you think yesterday when you got home after your fucking shrimp hangover, you were like, let me just change the default settings in my podcasting app to say shrimp king.
Yeah, I think so, too. Well, that is Ian Fidance on Shrimp. Moving on to the next guest.
Thank you for your time. Goodbye.
What the fuck is up, Subway Takes people? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. I'm here with one of the funniest people, at least in Brooklyn, who I have... who I had the pleasure of meeting via Subway Takes. His name is Ian Fidance, and his take was that the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole. So what's your take?
Because we're kind of ugly.
I mean, let's be honest. I mean, you're all right. How much do you think the average person makes showing a hole?
So how do you suggest that ugly people work their way up? Lie, cheat, and steal. Lie, cheat, and steal, that's all we can do?
I'm sorry, I just got distracted. You have the world's smallest feet. What? Your feet are tiny. Fuck you.
You have tiny feet, dude. What is that?
These are freaking toothpicks. These are toothpicks?
I'm at least two toes bigger than yours. Congrats. What are you going to do with it? Actually, monetize it, probably make a ton of money.
That's quite mean. This was episode 114, very early on in the show, and Ian, you know, he came in with his creative voice and just made a little speech about how the only way to navigate class in an upward way in today's America is through looks, exploitation, and showing whole. Ian, welcome to the show.
Well, I mean, what else did you have? Also, are you smoking cigs in your house?
I didn't even know who he was until then, which is my bad.
I 100% disagree with that.
No, no, no. When we smoke cigarettes indoors and? And? Baseball players.
And basketball players. Players wore short shorts.
Well, your basement, I've been to your basement. It looks like 92.
It was great. We talked about the 90s and how that was the golden era of literally everything. 90s music, 90s vibes, 90s furniture, 90s aesthetics. 90s lifestyle. He's a 90s guy, and I'm a 90s guy, so we had a lot of fun talking about that. We talked about Thailand and how we could move there and live like kings and also probably establish a village that is 90s-themed.
It feels really good in there except for the podcast studio.
And you're in your basement right now, your home studio, your film and production and television studio that's in your basement, but you're doing this podcast on your iPhone.
Should we start a GoFundMe?
Shrimp King needs a new laptop.
Wait, I didn't know that you actually – so the Shrimp King thing is not a bit. You really love shrimp. I do love shrimp. I'm telling you the truth.
Should I come over?
Should I come over and fix your Shrimp King?
Hold on. I'm trying to fix Shrimp King. No, do not. You're going to get logged out. We're going to have to start all over again. Leave it.
Do not do anything right now except for smoke a cig and talk to me.
Oh, man. You know, I don't know. I think that after your take, I did realize that you either have to do one of two things to make it in this world. You have to shuck and jive in short-form, unscripted, vertical video content.
I'm shucking and jiving.
Well, you're going to come back on the show. I need to hear your new takes because I didn't know that you were embarrassed by your take.
Oh, you thought that you were like, oh, this guy's got a funny little hobby. Yeah.
I'm not kidding. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You're really going to say the Shrimp King is an attractive guy? Thank you. I think the Shrimp King is very attractive. Thank you. Because here's what I think. I think that no one wants Glenn Powell or whatever his name is. What's that guy's name? I don't know. Glenn Powell?
I don't think you're a gremlin because a gremlin is like real like slimy. Oh, I don't like that. And wrinkly. And you're not wrinkly or slimy.
You're not fat. You're not fat enough to be a goblin.
100% agree. I think that's great. I'm on a diet right now. Do you know how awful it feels? What diet are you on? Just not eating a lot. Really? I'm on a literal no breakfast, salad for lunch every single day with salmon or chicken, and then pretty much the same thing for dinner. It's really awful.
I've lost like two pounds in a month. It's not worth it. I actually was like, I'm going to give up and just eat cookies and be fat and happy. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and depressed.
I mean, I don't want to be fucking huge. I don't want to look like the whale.
What did you think?
No, but now I've slimmed the suit. I've slimmed it down because now I'm like a heartthrob. I'm playing into that character.
what the hell is up subway takes gang it's your boy karim rahma of the subway takes podcast you know me you love me to know me is to love me i'm back with my co-creator and producer andrew quo that's a-n-d-r-e-w-k-u-o you can find him on instagram at a quo project his uh newly launched instagram website as he calls it it's an instagram website because
I mean, exactly what I'm saying. You've got to be skinny. You've got to be at least kind of fit.
I don't know, man. I don't really have time for all that. Oh. I'm thinking about getting that stick. That's what I call Ozempic.
It doesn't matter. We smoke. We drink. We put things in our noses. Why can't we just have a little harmless little shot that has pros?
I mean, I'm already unhealthy, so I may as well just do this thing that maybe my back problems, you have back problems, maybe, I thought that maybe I have back problems because I'm carrying too much weight in the front, and maybe my back is doing too much work, so I could alleviate the back pain by taking that stick.
Of course not, because everyone knows the answer. That's rude. First of all, that's rude.
You're just so stressed out. Here's the other thing, though, about becoming visible. When I'm on the train and I'm looking at my phone like a normal guy or a normal person, I should say. Pretty much everyone's looking at their phone.
and then people take photos of me and they post them on instagram and they tag me and they go oh it's the subway takes guy or it's oh it's kareem spotting and every photo i'm hunched over yeah looking like a fucking dweeb looking at my phone probably looking at my own instagram account and so now i don't uh i don't look at my phone on the train now i just i raw dog it
Yeah, that's what you have. I pretend I'm reading a novel.
Yeah, but you're making an assumption.
I just hold The Catcher in the Rye in my hands. Nice. Because no one's really mad at that book.
No, they're just like, oh, well, they probably think I'm a loser because most people stop reading that in high school.
Do you like that song?
But I did phrase it as a discussion. We did not discuss that. Okay. But we discussed Life on the Road, Delta. He's a Platinum Medallion member, which I was very jealous of. And a number of other things. It's going to be a great episode. It's a great episode.
I mean, look, who's to say that it's catchy? I mean, you agree with me. I don't condone or listen to it at all. I've never heard it. I don't... How does it go? Sing it to me. Let's see how catchy it is.
I've been on Twitter, and I scroll on Twitter, and I've been served up about 15 variations of that song. It's like, have you seen those? People are using AI to do a salsa style HH. There's a 90s emo HH. There's a jazz HH. There's a lot of HHs. Yeah. Too many some would say.
It's taking the teeth out of the HH. And then I saw a video of like a bar in Thailand where HH has apparently become a banger. Like a literal fucking, it's like a T-Pain song. And they're playing HH in all of the clubs and bars in Thailand.
No, no, they're saying the actual HH.
Or to go like to do the pause. No, you can't. I think you have to go full.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure the people of Thailand in the videos that I've been seeing are they don't care about N. They don't care about HH. They don't care about the R word. They don't care about it. They're just saying whatever they want to say.
But here's the thing. To their benefit, perhaps they don't even know the lyrics, and like you said, it's so catchy that they're just into the beat.
I want to give the people of Thailand the benefit of the doubt.
Oh, no. He's Diamond. He's Diamond. Oh. Which is insane. Shit. Yeah. But back to your earlier assessment of a 90s lover. Yeah. Here's the thing.
I don't know, though, because I think if you live there, you will be paid $8 a day.
Oh, yeah, that vibes.
I think about that every time I go to any country that's not America.
No, I think you get rich there, too.
I had a matcha latte right before this, and it was $8. Disgusting. And I tipped, so it was $9, which is the cost of literally 11 Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
That's too much. It's crazy. I miss when gas prices were $1.19. And packs of cigarettes were $2.25, brother. Let's bring it back. Would you say that that was... Actually, I saw this Instagram AI video of like... It's like you just walked into your parents' house and it's 1998. And it... Oh, my God. Just watching that, I was like, God, this feels so good. Dude, just... It's so comfortable.
Everything was more interesting in the 90s than it is today.
What the hell happened?
It just made it more capitalism and less vibes. Yeah. In the recovery period, I think everyone was like, we're going to be the strongest country in the world by consumerism.
That's sick. Fuck it. They were living in the moment, dude. I like that.
I'll just use an example of like, let's just use a living room. Okay. Let's use a coffee shop.
That's great. Think about how happy everyone was. And then in the 90s, you reaped the benefits of what you sowed in the 80s and you had a huge basement with carpet and fucking awesome movies and just hung out all day. I know. So what's the answer? What do we do now? I don't know, dude. I'm at a loss for words.
We sell wood paneling.
1993 Toyota Corollas on every corner.
That beautiful Dodge Grand Caravan.
Beautiful car.
I think I want to start being more 90s inspired beyond my fashion choices. I think I want to live like that.
Like right now, a coffee shop looks like Blank Street Coffee and Blue Bottle. Yeah, but okay. But it's just white.
But then it goes away?
After, like, 30 minutes?
I just remember feeling— I bought that business, baby. I bought that business.
Honestly, I'm coming around to that idea because I remember coming home to my computer and I was like the warm embrace and glow of the screen and playing The Sims and spending countless hours downloading legal music was nice. I definitely didn't have to do it on the go.
Oh, when was the last time you pooped without your phone, though?
It was good. It was good. Do you get Wi-Fi on airplanes? Or are you a watch the movies kind of guy?
God, I'm so close. I live in airports. How are you diamond? Do you get upgraded a lot?
Yeah, they're modern. Well, pick another coffee shop chain.
Oh, that's so sick, dude. You just went up about five percentage points in my book.
Me and Dale are lounge guys. We're lounge buddies. Dale and I have been in the lounge.
Oh, you skip the lounge.
That's nice.
But that's because you're at the airport so much.
I have a friend that's sick and disgusting, and he goes to the lounge after his flights. That's crazy. I know. He'll land at JFK or LGA after a fucking long-ass flight, and I'll fly with him sometimes, and he's like, I want to stop at the lounge. I'm like, for what? He's like, get her a little snack. I was like, fuck you. You're 38 years old. We can make it to your home.
My brother. Fine. Let's use McDonald's or Taco Bell or Burger King. Where do you eat? You eat at all three of those.
I love Delta. I think Delta has the best customer service in the world out of any company, not just airlines.
These days you walk into a McDonald's and it feels like you're in a fucking MoMA store. It's like the gift shop of a museum. There's not comfortable. It's literally metal and white and other shades of gray. The seating area is uncomfortable. They don't want you to stay. You order a screen. There's no Riz. Absolutely no Riz. When we were in the 90s, dude, McDonald's had fucking Riz.
I don't want to scroll anymore. It's not good.
It's really crazy. The older I've gotten, the more I have tried to fix my problems. And I'm seeing this is why old guys are so annoying and awful. Explain yourself. What do you mean? They go take it or leave it. I have some annoying tendencies. I have a couple of things that I'm like, I shouldn't be like this. But I don't fix it. I just go, that's who I am. I give myself a pass.
And that's kind of how I got fat. Right. Because I was like, I deserve burgers and chicken tenders whenever I feel like it.
That's how I got disgusting.
That's how I got disgusting. I honestly looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, I look like Michael Moore. Wow. Or Guillermo del Toro, who's even maybe more chunky.
About yourself.
Wait, who's Chaz Bono? Look up Chaz Bono. Oh, my God. No, not. I remember that guy. You don't look like Chaz Bono. My belly does.
I was reading that the foods... I was talking to Stavros, I think, and he was like, dude, the food is more addictive than the drugs sometimes and the alcohol. If you get in the habit of eating McDonald's, really get into it, that's part of your life.
Yeah, you just turn fat and your arteries get clogged up and your brain gets a little dumber.
Wait, what kind of drugs were you addicted to?
Wow, straight alcoholic guy.
Can you imagine what you're saying? Do you hear what you're saying right now?
What'd you fill it with? Cum.
Another man. Oh, so that's when you realize that you're bisexual.
And how cool does that sound?
That little poopy little device?
That little sexy little device?
And I can just fuck it? Wait, no. Sorry about that.
Yeah, I got the new one that has the pocket pussy in it. It's really big, but it's worth it.
Yeah, dude, it has a self-suck machine. It's really awesome. You don't even have to fuck it. It just sucks.
It's fucking lit. Are you kidding me, dude? And Pizza Hut, the inside of Pizza Hut, yeah, see how you just said fuck yeah? Yeah, yeah. See, it's like you're releasing all of the tension out of your asshole. Yes. Like your asshole was tense and now that you're thinking about Pizza Hut in the 90s, your asshole has kind of let go a little bit.
saying to hold up my phone what is that auto blow oh my god the auto blow ai ultra e and e and with jordan for 50 off the auto blow ai ultra wait okay we're starting over here so there's a there's a box on your coffee table for a product called the auto blow ai ultra Yes. My number one, my first question is. Is the box open or is it still in the plastic?
It's still in the plastic and there's a candle on top of it. Thank you. Yes. But my first question is, does AI stand for artificial intelligence?
I don't fucking know. What is an auto blow?
Because I wouldn't know, man. Wait, what is the autoblow? I'm Googling this right now if you don't tell me in the next four seconds.
Oh, it's literally called a blowjob machine.
Wait, so you're sponsored by the cum sucker machine? Dude, we're sponsored by that. We're sponsored by Cash App. We're sponsored by Blue Chew. Wait, I'm looking at the videos and GIFs on this website. They are unbelievable.
It's crazy. That thing has incredible suction. I mean, it sells itself, Kareem. The suction is so good, it's able to pick up a hammer from a table. Oh, wait, what are you doing? Wait, why is Dale? You have one? Put it away, Dale. Wait, are you assembling it? What is that? Oh, no. What is that?
oh my god that is so sick that's a real sound effect guys that's that's practical effects yeah wait so is there really a promo code let's plug it yeah i think it's um i think it's promo code ska ska let me try it out i kind of want to
Wait, look at all. So the AI, there's an AI plus, there's an AI ultra, which is the most popular. Yeah. Oh, I see what the AI is. You know what it does? I'm selling this product for you. What's the AI do, Kareem? Syncs, S-Y-N-C-S, syncs with erotic films. Feel what you see.
Wait, look at this. They have, yes, your prostate is up your butt. Here's why it's worth it. They have a prostate massager. Well, I didn't know about that. Oh, look at the pros of a prostate massage. Shoot semen even further than before.
Shooting ropes, spraying rope. Wow, that's so cool. I'm really interested in getting sucked by one of these machines. I mean, look, man. Can I come over later? Come on.
Dead stock, bro. It's dead stock. Wait, and is it a mouth or a pussy? I guess pussies don't suck. They only are there. Well, let me tell you.
Wait, I'm so obsessed with this, dude. They have something called the nuts nibbler. Can I tell you, you've done more research on this product than I ever have. Dude, look at this. These people are so funny because the names of the products, I think they have a sense of humor. There's a product on here called the Auto Milker, the Vibrating Penis Milker.
And that's what the 90s was like. It was a place to relax and enjoy the fruit of your labor. You made some money. You bought a big house. You could buy a big house.
Dude, I mean, I'm just, I'm honestly, I can't even pay attention right now because the penis milker is so sick.
wait you know it'd be cool if you made that into like the billy bass the fish oh you should you should make that a robotic whatever that thing is what is that creature it doesn't look like a vagina the loudmouth billy bass yeah but make that little thing that you have into a loudmouth billy puss hang it up in your fucking i should put it on this guy Oh, that guy. No, that guy deserves to live.
Someone just sent me that. For the listeners at home. Is that a you? That's a you. Someone made a me doll. That's so cute. Is that nice? That's a fan? Yeah. Oh, dude, you have fans?
No, 14. Coming up on 15 in February next year. How's that feeling? Are you feeling good?
That's perspective. That's a nice way to put it.
Yes. And you could just sit and have a nice family meal at Pizza Hut and spend 25 bucks maybe. And now... It's gone.
Oh, people were in their car? And how did they hear you?
That sounds awful. But look. I know.
Kill me. But it was probably amazing for the audience. I'm not going to lie. That's like a drive-in movie. It's not the best quality, but it's fucking fun.
Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. I want to get to this portion called Takes on Takes.
Where I ask you questions about other people's takes and you tell me if you 100% agree or 100% disagree.
I think Republicans should have their own bathrooms.
Well, I did hear another funny take of our Republicans, which is that if they get hair transplants or do steroids, they're doing gender-affirming surgery or treatment. Hilarious.
Cantankerous, that's a good word. Thank you. I think there should be no more group chats. Abolish group chats. Wow.
No, not even a slide. And it's not even just about the playground. Even the characters, they used to have Grimace, and now he's only available when they made that Grimace shake. Yeah. Even Ronald McDonald was more prominent, and then the Happy Meals were filled with big, nice toys. Now they're just pieces of shit.
Here is proof. Wait, why do you kill the group chat? Just because you're like, you want to be the center of attention?
What is your favorite group chat called? What's the name? Retard. Simple. Simple, easy to remember. Beautiful. Who's in that one?
here's oh dan i love your new self tape and it's some guy with like some mental disorder like screaming at the camera i like those videos like i like the weirder like do you get served up those videos of like a guy in pakistan who's like making falafel in oil in oil that hasn't been changed in 150 years those are sick yeah i mean let me let me just send see the last one i sent
Aren't you into wrestling? I thought you were.
You're not a wrestling god.
As a Midwesterner, I think ranch can go on anything. Super spicy. Totally agree. Totally agree. I agree too. Name something you wouldn't put ranch on right now. My auto suck 1000.
Ranch is great. I feel like it's severely underrated.
Just dipping spaghetti in ranch. Are you a ranch or blue cheese guy? Oh, if I'm getting a salad or wings... Blue cheese. Ranch is a good dip. I don't eat it as the main flavor.
Oh, I love sucking women's fingers. And toes. You a toe guy?
Look, you convinced me.
You're like, I don't want you to lube up your feet in fucking ranch so I can stick my dick in between them. Yeah. Yeah.
Last time I did that. Remember that one time that you did my comedy show at the diner and that one girl, you thought she was in love with you? Oh, outside. That super babe? Yeah. But I think she was in love with me.
Oh, you were there too?
I know. She was randomly there.
Don't you remember, Ian, I texted you and I was like, holy shit, the girl. No, I gave her your information, I think.
The 90s are warm.
Oh, and then you found her.
That's what you do for your boys.
You know, when I was in your basement and your friend Jordan was harassing me,
You weren't a very good wingman then.
So even when Jordan was being abusive towards me, you were just like, I'm going to let her cook.
Yeah, she was going pretty far, and I wasn't offended, but I was scared of her. Many people are. She's really scary. Very, very scary, but it works in her favor. I don't know if it does. Oh, it does. People love her. She's so scary, though. But she has a nice, warm... When I made her smile, I felt really good about myself.
You have the best energy. I love you. I'm so happy we met.
Well, I think that's a pretty good place to end this. Yeah, this was great. We'll have you back on the show, on the Instagram show, so you can redeem yourself. Totally redeem yourself. Oh, God, don't cut that part out. Keep it. Keep it. Incredible film. You totally redeemed yourself. Oh, God. Cut it out.
Yeah, but I haven't seen it in a long time. I think I might re-watch it tonight. I would re-watch it.
You know, I don't know because aging is weird. I only look back. I don't look back on the millennium. I don't look back on the 10s, really.
Wait, I'll re-watch it tonight, too. We can text each other.
It's a great movie.
No, movie club chat, but we have to watch the movies together.
No, no, that's what we're going to watch, though.
We're going to watch the classics. I'll watch it tonight. I'll text you. We're going to call it Classic Man Movie Club. All right. The CMCM.
Yeah, CMMC at the CMMC. It's fun to watch at the CMMC. We can get cool jackets and trucker hats. I mean, I'm already wearing a trucker hat, so you know I'm in. I just bought one. Perfect. Yeah, I just bought a new one.
Thank you very much for staying, for coming. Ian Fidance, everyone. Where can people find you, Ian?
There we fucking go. Thank you so much. Thank you, fellas. Love you. Goodbye. Have a wonderful day. Enjoy Sarah Silverman. Or wait, not Sarah Silverman. I'll enjoy that too, brother. She's in the film. See you guys. Peace.
I wasn't even here.
Fun fact, he just started about three months ago. Andrew, how's it going?
Yeah, I mean, not anymore because you move upstate.
I know. It's really, really... It's pretty fucking sad. It's an end of an era. Because for those that don't know you, that's kind of where your transformation began.
I went to a third place today.
The Capital One Cafe in Herald Square.
No, no, nothing's free. I mean, things are 50% off for Capital One holders, but everyone knows Capital One sucks. So I don't have a card. But it's a safe space. I mean, it's big. Like Starbucks is canceled because they fucking suck and their coffee tastes like shit. And then Blank Street doesn't even have seats. There's like not really a coffee shop.
And so when you go to the Herald Square Capital One Cafe, it's the size of a fucking bank.
And by the way, there's seats. You can hang out. Good music. And they serve third wave coffee.
They serve something called Verve.
It is a band from the 90s.
It's mixed.
I could see that. But look, dude, here's the most important thing. The most important thing is that the coffee's fucking good. The seats are comfortable and big. And there's plenty to go around. It's tables, seats, bar area, everything. The only thing that I will say that I did not like is that they did not have lightning-fast Wi-Fi.
No, there were a lot of people.
There were a lot of people. It was filled. I just happened to get a nice seat that had no table, and it was just a seat that looked out at the window. Oh.
I was people watching because I had a meeting in the neighborhood and I had a half hour to kill. And I needed to upload Subway Takes videos. So I needed a place to sit. I needed a place to sit and I didn't want to stand in a Starbucks or some other godforsaken disgusting place. So yeah, I went to Capital One Cafe and I uploaded my videos. And it just took a little longer.
Usually a TikTok video takes...
30 seconds to upload these ones took about a minute and a half oh god that's crazy that must have totally fucked up your day to lose that extra minute it did it did because it took away from my people watching time but i will say man anyways back to equinox you lost your third space you lost your third space and for those that don't know andrew started his transformation his creative i would say that equinox is what turned you into a producer yeah wait what do you mean by that
Strong body, strong mind.
Yeah, you're yoked.
You went from a small to a medium?
You wore a t-shirt in the baby photos?
After knowing you for about maybe five or six years, knowing that you only had LinkedIn, and then one day you woke up and decided to also have Instagram, I was pretty shocked. Although I think I know the gateway drug is you were logged into the Subway Takes Instagram account.
Because it was too tight or too loose?
What brand are you rocking?
Oh, what the hell is Brandless? Is that from Target?
Of course I wouldn't. I'm not a fucking homo.
Yeah, I'm a homo sapien. Oh, I don't know. That comeback is not cool. Oh, fuck.
I embrace being homo.
I'd be like, yeah, come over here. I'll suck your cock right now. You said that as an elementary school kid on the playground? Of course. Nice. So I can't believe Malou approved... I don't know if you... Do you want to use names or no?
Okay. I think that's fine. I can't believe that Malou approved a t-shirt and the baby photos. I feel like that's disrespectful to your unborn child.
I mean, you're not wearing a collar.
It's not a time to flex.
Yeah, but generally speaking, I would say that guys that wear t-shirts are just not as tight.
We did talk about it in the episode. I have body dysmorphia, and honestly, it is related to t-shirts. Yeah.
Yeah, look at it right here.
T-shirts to me are for boys. You wear shorts too. You're like a boy. You wear shorts and T-shirts. Oh, mommy, I'm going to school. I want to put on my favorite T-shirt.
I have nice calves.
Here's what I'll say about Dale's t-shirts, though. Dale wears cropped t-shirts sometimes and it looks fucking hard.
I would never do that. I did a friendship-making enterprise recently with someone who I won't name. And recently, like last week. And I sent a text that just said, hey, checking in, how are you?
and they were like i'm good how are you and i was like i'm pretty good and i was like what have you been up to and then they sent me a voice note and we're like hey like what do you mean what have i been up to like what in what context like are you asking are you about to like they thought that i was going to ask them for like a favor Oh, okay.
And I sent a voice note back and I was like, no, no, no. I'm literally just trying to be friends.
They liked it. They thought it was cool. And they sent me a voice note back being like, oh, this is what I'm up to. This is what I'm doing. And then I think at the end of it, they were like, Yeah, send a voice note back if you just want to keep voice noting.
I just don't know. I don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to do it. But one of my things that I want to do is I'm going to put myself out there more.
Like Justin Theroux, for example. I got Justin Theroux's number recently.
Do I just be like, hey, you want to take a walk? Maybe I'll do that.
Well, no, I'm just saying that he walks his dog all the time. So I was thinking maybe I'll just join him for a walk.
I could bring my dog. Wait, I don't have a dog.
I almost forgot. But if I were to get a dog, I think I would get a standard poodle.
Of course.
Look at my hair.
I'd get a dog that matches me.
How was the chat? It was great. Her subway take was anything is a dating app, so we discussed dating quite a bit. We discussed my personal relationship with how I proposed to my wife recently. Yes, I did know that. Congrats.
Well, number one, I'm on a die right now. And number two, I feel like a poodle is not necessarily a dog that is not taking up space. I guess the build, the frame is skinny, but it has the hair. So it looks a little thick.
I can't get a Rottweiler.
no i don't even know sure is that is that the one with the pointy ears no that's a doberman which is what i said i would get but those are too sleek that's a walton goggins dog right then what's a rottweiler a rottweiler is like a fatter doberman with droopy ears okay but same style of dog like black with like a brown face right yeah no that makes sense your dog is not necessarily an andrew quoe
But it's not it's not it's not tall. It's not an Afghan hound.
Anyways, I'm going to let the people listen to this episode now.
what the what the fudge is up subway takes heads gang members no don't you're not getting no this is not a gang this is just a group of friends listening to audio podcast i'm your host karim rahma i guess the host with the most maybe but i'm not sure this is a very strange intro but we have a very strange guest with us actually i don't know if she was considered strange
yeah I mean we talked about a lot of stuff since her subway take was about dating we talked about yik yak dating which is an app that no longer exists we talked about live journal and live journal dating in general we talked about one of my favorite dating apps which is grouper I don't know if you know about grouper the fish no grouper was a dating app where it would set you up on a blind date with someone and then you would bring two of your friends and the blind date would bring two of their friends and then they would tell you where to meet and they'd buy your first round of drinks
Her subway take was that anything is a dating app. And I believe I 100% disagreed because everything is not a dating app. Real life is a dating app. There are dating apps that are dating apps, but not everything is a dating app. I'd like to welcome to this wonderful audio stage Willa Bennett, the current editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine. What's good, Willa?
I'm just relaxing. I just got back from Puerto Rico. Fun.
Puerto Rico. I was vacationing. nice yeah do you like how i say puerto rico i love it mr subway takes goes on vacation what happens no i usually don't go on vacation actually this is the first time in legitimately 10 years that i have been like that i left my hotel or that i left my phone in the hotel room wow Yeah, I'm usually a hustle and grind mindset type of guy.
Yeah.
I'm stuck here forever, which is... You know, that's a gift and a curse, right?
Because on one hand, I know where I'm meant to be.
And then on the other hand, I can never leave.
Unless I retire the show.
It pays the damn bills. That's right. It does pay the damn bills and it pays them well.
I know. And it's, but here's the thing. I think if you grew up kind of poor, you never, ever, ever, ever get that out of your head. So I'm still cheap.
I don't think I've bought anything.
No, my clothes, it's either free or it is vintage, honestly.
Or it's like J.Crew and Madewell, like very regular guy stuff.
I think J.Crew and Madewell is the most regular guy kind of thing. It's like guy plus.
It's like you're like, I need to look pretty good, but I'm not going to spend $400 on a shirt.
Do you think Dickies, that's the entry-level niceness?
I think they're very flattering.
That's a very nice gift.
A little pair of Dickies.
Well, I guess let's talk about your Subway take for a second. Dale, can we play the take? So what's your take?
100% agree.
Spotify.
Venmo? You're saying Venmo.
What else is a dating app?
This is a dating app.
Subway Takes is definitely a dating app.
Have you ever hooked up with or dated someone from a random place like that? From like a LinkedIn?
No.
Then I don't think I agree with your take anymore. Actually, you know what? No, no. I don't 100% agree. If I'm on LinkedIn, I'm looking for a job, not a date. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Find me on Tinder. Find me on freaking Hinge. Find me on Raya. But certainly don't DM me on LinkedIn. When my profile says open for new work, that doesn't mean open for...
No, I don't think Partyful is a dating app.
So chaos is what you're talking about. Yeah, it was incredible. I went on a grouper date with Blake Benzman and Abizar once. I brought them as my plus ones. And we ended up on a date with three substitute teachers from Staten Island. Holy shit, that sounds like the start of a movie. And I ended up with someone's sucking face.
As far as it's going to go is Instagram. Instagram is a dating app, but nothing else is a dating app. Email is not a dating app. LinkedIn is not a dating app. Partyful is not a dating app.
So you think that all of those tens on Instagram, they're getting thousands of DMs a day?
Earth is a dating app.
Subway Takes is not a dating app.
Subway Takes is not a dating app.
Wow. Yeah. No, I don't I don't know, man. I'm still in disagreement. But I did want to talk to you. You just mentioned eBay. Is eBay a dating app?
Yeah. Takes on takes. This is a different that's a different section of the show. But this is your take on the take. Yes, you can. It's a different take on take.
well that's because i make a lot of friends on the internet on the net and i and i think dating and friendship is pretty similar right like totally it's it's practically the same thing dating and friendship practically totally no i don't know about that but yes but i i just i remember there was a you know yeah like dating apps are nice because you can just go it's like buying a used car
When you're buying a used car, you're like, okay, I want to search within one mile, and I want the car to be red, and I want it to be big, and I want it to be new. You pick the year. There's a range and a radius, and that's kind of like dating. You go, cool, I want this person. I like all religions. Yeah.
If you're a white guy in Silicon Valley, you type in the Asian box and you say, I only want Asian women. And if you don't have a car and you only have a scooter because you live... Let's be a San Francisco guy. All right. So San Francisco tech entrepreneur goes to buy a car.
Okay, he types in radius 100 miles because he's willing to travel and he types in electric only and he types in white and black because those are the colors that he likes and there's a price range and a mileage and a year and all that stuff. Same guy goes to date and he does the same thing with humans.
I can't remember if it was Blake or Abizar, but somebody was making out on the roof.
I don't know. I don't. And I also, if memory serves, there was a swap. Oh. Like it started with like Abizar with one girl, me with one girl, and Blake with one girl. And I think by the end, the two maker outers were not linked in the beginning.
well subway texas is dating out for sure how many dms did you get after your take i'm sure there were literally literal thousands it was crazy i was like actually like for a second kind of scared because i was like oh i didn't there was too many i told you i warned you i said this is your dms are gonna be go crazy it was weird not it wasn't cute as i'll say it really didn't have a meet cute in there
I think that... Did anyone approach you on the street and say, oh, I saw your Subway take? Okay, that's good, because that happens sometimes to people after they've been on the show.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's really nice.
At least people are putting in the work. Ladies and gentlemen, what's up? This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Squarespace, but if you're not, it is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Now, I've had a lot of ideas, which means that I've had a lot of Squarespace websites.
And let me tell you, it is worth it. One of the most annoying things about starting a website is acquiring the domain, but Squarespace makes that easy with no hidden fees or add-ons required. And in this day and age, you gotta be SEO optimized because there are literally so many people doing so many things online. I'm sure there's another guy out there selling vintage trucker hats.
So you gotta make sure that your SEO is on point. So give it a whirl and head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Oh, Grouper was so sick. Dude, this was a sick app. And it was like, I was like 25, 26, just moved to New York. This app called Grouper is you would sign up or like a person would sign up. And so let's say I signed up and let's say you signed up, right? And we were both like straight and we were like, I'm looking for women and you're looking for men, whatever.
You just put in like your little preferences. And then... grouper would match kareem and willa and it would say you each bring two friends with you on the date and they would make the restaurant reservation and they would pay for the first round of drinks which is so sick
and they would just like the day of the date i think it was like five hours before the date they would send you like a text that says like hey your groupers ready like kareem and willa are meeting at balthazar and they're bringing blake and abizar i'm thinking about a date that i actually did like with a friend named blake and abizar uh but there so it was really fun because you could go on you essentially would go on a triple date that's what it was it was a triple blind date um and they paid for the first round
But this app was sick because I would sign up. I would be the only one to sign up. And the girl would be the only one to sign up. And they'd just be like, who are you bringing? And I'd just be like, Blake and Abizar. And then the girl would be like, Rebecca and fucking Rachel. And then we'd all show up.
And I did it once with my friend Blake and my friend Abizar. And unfortunately, they set us up with someone that I probably would, like some people that I wouldn't date in normal life. But we had a great night. It was like three substitute teachers from Staten Island.
No, it was fun. It was a fun night.
And one of us made out.
Yeah. One of us made out on the roof of my apartment.
No, it wasn't me. I don't remember who it was, but I looked over and I saw someone's sucking face.
I thought that app already existed.
There was also another one. These are all the early days. I love these apps because I just moved here and I was on Tinder. I was on everything. And Hinge and all of the apps. And I remember there was one where you would walk past someone and it would alert you. What? Yeah, there was a proximity app. That might have been Hinge, like old, early Hinge. And it would be like...
what's up listeners it's your boy kareem rahma i have a very special little mini episode of subway takes the podcast in front of the regular episode of subway takes the podcast with will bennett i'm joined today by my good friend and producer of subway takes and co-founder of subway takes and just all around great guy uh andrew quo andrew quo how the hell are you
Oh, man, I don't remember. It was doing the mutual friends thing, and then it would also alert you if someone was around, which I feel like is not a good idea anymore.
No, what the hell? No, that was like the secret group chats or something.
because they'd send a text like three or five hours before the date and say like, meet at Hotel Chantel at 8 p.m. First round is on grouper. And it was sick. It was really fun. Anyways, we talked about that. We talked about Willa being the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmo. We talked about waste of time relationships, which is one of my favorite kind of relationships.
It was so... I mean, it is a sick premise. Like you just log on the internet and there's just another person.
No, they're in there. Don't worry. They're like in a screen. That's not a real person.
What was the name of your LiveJournal?
Willa Ballerina. That's not bad.
Were you emo kind of? You seem like an emo kind of.
Like an emo kind of. Like a little, just a pinch.
Like full emo?
Like My Chemical Romance emo or Avril Lavigne emo?
Yeah. You give Avril vibes.
How is that even possible?
Well, my subway take on this is that it's not possible to be a sadder version of Kazzy David because the sadder version of Kazzy David is Kazzy David. so true she's the set she's but she's she's quite funny and she got fucking absolutely destroyed in her subway take i don't know if you followed along on the drama no what was her take oh yeah it was
And people were like, yeah, coming from a fucking dumb bitch who doesn't need to sleep because she's never worked a day in her life. And then the other half of people were like, yeah, exactly. Look at her fucking bags under her eyes. She's so tired. And it was just she was getting it from both sides. Like some people were like, you're a nipple baby.
You don't need to take naps because you have never worked a day in your life. And other people were like, you have bags under your eyes because you don't nap. And I felt awful. But I warned her. I warned her that this would happen. And she didn't believe me. And I was like, all right.
It's where you're just together to waste some time, kill some time in between other relationships. You ever been in one of those relationships?
Oh yeah, if it's someone that I'm like you because I'm very sensitive, which is why I don't really read the comments like I check in for about the first 10 minutes and I'm like can usually gauge if it's going to be a good experience for me or a really awful experience for me.
And so I just like I check in and I was like, oh, this is not going to be good for Cassie and I and I yeah, she hit me up and she was like, holy shit. And I was like, I told you I told you man.
but we laughed about it she took it like a champ she laughed about it and she thought it was really funny because she had some other options for takes and I was like you might be safer doing those other ones and you know she didn't she's very funny I like her a lot I really like her she's so funny and whenever someone tells me lookalike I'm like honestly like honored you're honored to be there
She is very cool and very sweet and very nice. And she should come on this podcast to defend her take. Because as we all know, there's more to say.
I air all of them.
Like, that would be a really good... That's interesting. What were your other ones? I forgot. Do you remember them?
No, because I think going into it with the intention of I'm not really dating anyone else right now, it's almost like a summer fling.
Were you trying to be funny? Do you think that Subway Text needs to be funny to be good?
That's so difficult, man.
My advice is always, what do you feel most passionate about? What are you going to defend? What are you going to stand on business 10 toes down? So you are the new editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, an iconic legacy media institution?
How does that feel? Are you the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmopolitan?
Except at any time of year.
Is it a quarterly magazine?
Yeah, right on the best streaming service. It's two people knowing that their relationship is not going to work out, but for the time being, it's a great way to kill some time together. Right, right, right. Because sometimes you're just lonely and don't want to be alone personally, at least, you know.
How do I get on the cover?
What do you want to say? Oh, I have to say something?
Okay.
Because I'm sick.
Do people pitch you to be on the cover, or do you pitch them to be on the cover?
Karim Rahman, why now? Everyone's like, ooh, what is the je ne sais quoi?
I think love is awesome. I love love. He loves love. I actually, you know how much I love love? I proposed to my girlfriend wife this weekend.
Yeah, in Puerto Rico.
I buried the lead.
Well, so we have a child together already. The child is 15. Oh, did she say yes? Oh, yeah, she said yes. She had no choice. She had no choice but to say yes.
And we talked about how to decline a marriage proposal.
What is she going to say now? Who says no? Yeah, lots of people say no. No, they don't. No one says no.
No, all of the no's are just viral video, like they're viral video pranks.
People, here's what they do. They say yes and then they break it off.
Yeah. No one ever says no. Like, will you marry me? We're in Puerto Rico. Will you marry me? No, I won't. Oh, okay. Well, then we should just break up right now because obviously this is going nowhere. So what happens is people say yes, and then they go about for like three to four to five to six months. And then inevitably, the woman always breaks off the engagement.
I think that you always say yes. Oh. I don't think anyone ever says, no, I will not marry you. I think everyone always says yes, and then they break off the engagement like a week later or a month later or right before the wedding.
No, that's great. I mean, I usually just get a regular therapist to help me with that.
I need validation. And therapists, you can just pay them to validate every feeling you have. It's the greatest hack of all time.
know they do whatever you tell them to do therapists are easily manipulated i'm serious they're not even good at their jobs no i'm not every time i go to a therapist and i go i feel sad you know maybe my relationship's a little bent out of shape and they go what do you want to do and i go i don't know maybe i should break up and then they go yeah you should and i go great and then i go how do i do that and then they go uh maybe you should just say it and i go okay sounds good
And then the next week they say, so did you say it? And I go, no, I didn't. And then they're like, well, if she's not making you happy, then you should probably do it sooner rather than later. And I go, yeah, you're right. I should. And then, yeah. And you know what? That's a great grift. I mean, there should be a breakup therapist. Great grift.
Yeah, but like conscious uncoupling. It's two people wanting to break up, right?
Okay, Dr. Bennett. Hey, Dr. Bennett, I have a pitch for Cosmo US.
The article's called She Said No? And it's about girls, women, who have said no and have continued their relationships with the man that they said no to.
And then you have to talk to the guy and be like, how does it make you feel that she said no? And their families and their friends. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, I guess it's totally them. It's totally a them move. They're so like that.
I agree with you.
Yeah, I think one of the best relationships one can have is the waste of time relationship.
Oh, it's when you get into a relationship to waste time together. You're just like two people and you both don't have a ton going on. So you both throw yourselves into a really intense romantic relationship for like, it could go as long as a year, I think.
to just pass the time it's like when you take a job when you take a job that you're like i don't know if i'm gonna be at the job for a long time but it's something to do i've done relationships like that with a person but i have wait the thing that i keep seeing a lot on tiktok right now is like the three month rule do you know that no is that when you gotta you gotta shit or get off the pot as they say
It means you have to pull the ejecting button like three months because that's when you define the relationship, DTR.
That makes sense. Yeah, and in improv, you know, you always want a yes and.
That's when you DTR define the relationship.
communication is just key like as long as you're like talking about it or not talking about it like as long as you're both on the same page like there's no right way to do it you have to do that i think communication is key as well yeah you know in fact with my current fiance uh my fiance which i think is it fiance for both man and woman like it's it's fiance for both it's interchangeable i think it is right i actually skipped right to wife i've been calling her my wife since we had the baby really oh
yeah because think about it i don't know i just think it sounds cooler to say my wife my wife yeah but we uh so i strung her along for i wouldn't call it stringing along but i we had an undefined relationship for a full year wow and it was a real relationship
No, we were like dating and then we weren't and then we were just friends and then we were accidentally sleeping together again and then it was this and then it was that. And it was really bad. Not bad like toxic, but bad like...
The classic building blocks of Upright Citizens Brigade.
i was resisting i was like really digging my heels in even though i really knew i loved her but i was like not ready to enter up like a good man like i didn't i wasn't ready to like be a good good like a good boyfriend you know what i mean so i was like like i just asked for more time but inevitably the amount of time i wanted was always way too much time But finally, she got me. She got me.
Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.
It was doomed?
It was early. It was like literally a month in. I was like, this is going to be a really big problem.
I was like, this is going to be a big problem. It's going to be a grand romance. And it's going to either end in massive heartbreak all around or it's going to end in marriage.
I love that term. Well, it was too intense. Everyone was too intense. I was too intense. She was too intense. And then just one day I had an epiphany where I was like, you know, I've had enough. I've had enough. But the context of this is I was married before that and I had just gotten divorced. And I met her like a year after my divorce.
Oh, speaking of books, I read and completed my first book in probably five years.
So I just wasn't ready to reenter into the negotiation period.
No, I know. It is tough on the person who is waiting. Yeah. But sometimes it's worth it because now we have a baby and we live together and we're getting married. And it took a year of dating. Also, Dale just dropped in the chat that masculine fiancé is fiancé with one E and feminine fiancé is fiancé with two E's.
Thank you, Dale.
Yeah. How many engagements have you broken off?
Willa.
I think you have to at least have one. I think you need a divorce or a broken engagement. Everyone needs at least one.
But there were pictures. There were pictures in the book.
I think so.
That's so rude.
Do you want to be married someday?
It was, it's Keith McNally's book.
What do I think about what?
My dad was really old and my mom was really young. And he was a liar. He was a liar, which is really bad. I think these days he would have been canceled. Wow. Because he said that he was 30, but he was actually 40.
No, no. He actually said he was 35, but he was actually 45. And my mom was 25.
So my dad was 20 years older than my mom. And she didn't find out until like a full year after they were married.
I mean, it's literally, I was like, I can't believe it. And by that point, I had already been born. So she was like, fuck me. What am I going to do? I just got to be with this guy now. And she just stayed with him.
I'm with you on that one. I think that you should show your true colors, even if they're disgusting.
Super. I would highly recommend it to anyone who's listening to this podcast. Uh, even if you're not a fan of Keith McNally, but he's a great writer, has a great voice. And honestly, it's a very inspiring, you know what it made me want to do the whole, like, I was just like, fuck, I need to build like a Balthazar of my own.
There's no, there's no use in duping anyone.
Have you always, have you always been the source of, uh, people confiding in you regarding their dating lives?
Or is this a new, new, it comes with a title.
Doc Bennett.
That's fun. Can I sit on one? No, I want, why? Why won't you let me into the editorial meeting?
Let me into the editorial meeting.
What's that?
I've never been canceled.
Whatever you want. I would be happy. I would be happy to join. No, I want to come and I just want to observe, like in class.
That's great. I like the way you run your newsroom.
No, no. It made me want to build my own Balthazar.
No, that's not, that's not cute.
No, that's sick.
No, that's fire. And I believe the saying is actually, phone eats first.
You said camera eats first.
It's phone eats first. That's sick. I would have fucking banged that guy that night.
I was like... Well, you can't just leave. I got another confession to make. No, seriously, I have a confession about adulthood. I think that the hardest part about adulthood is cooking and eating. It is so hard for me. I'm a busy guy, but I think I found a solution. Factor.
eating well has never been this easy you just heat up and enjoy giving you more time to do what you want to do for me that means podcasting it means riding the train it means spending time with my kid and bro there are over 45 weekly menu options you can pick from It's amazing.
Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. So get started at factormeals.com slash subway takes 50 off and use subway takes 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's subway takes 50 off at factormeals.com slash subway takes for 50% off plus free shipping. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
Like, what is a grand... I want a grand opus.
Look, the older I get, the more important I think it is to maintain my mental health. The good news is mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say that they've avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.
grand opus yeah that's um i like that ambition um what just in in restaurant touring or just generally speaking in life i don't know you kind of want it like i feel like you know on the internet subway takes has changed new york city culture i really do you know people sit at dinner and they say like you know i've overheard people talking about their subway takes people have told me they've overheard people talking about their subway takes i've seen people watching subway takes on the train so it's like it's certainly a part of the zeitgeist it's as important as balthazar
But nobody should feel judged or embarrassed for starting therapy because it's really helpful. It has helped me learn positive coping skills for how to deal with stress and time management and empowers me to be the best version of myself. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, and serving over 5 million people worldwide. We're all better with help.
Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
Yeah, yeah. And also you have to have the one-hour limit. I like a day date. I like either a lunch date or an early afternoon date. Like a drink before you go to dinner with your friends. Because then there's always the out. Yes.
Oh, God. It was happening to me constantly.
Yeah. They get mad. Sometimes they used to get mad.
If I was not interested, they'd be like, well, you're not going to take me home? I'd be like, no.
don't bully me like yeah you're disgusting no like i'm like i think you might i think you might be the nicest guest i've ever had on the show really yeah you're so respectful and nice i i you would never call someone disgusting just because they said phone eats first i would i would call someone disgusting for that
I think it's cool to say phone eats first.
It needs to be really rare. Because sometimes you do hit it off with someone as a friend and you go, I really like you as a friend. And it's actually serious and sincere. And if the other person is adult enough and responsible enough, they can take that on the chin and be like, you know what? I think you're right. And then there's no hard feelings. But rare. I'd say like one out of a hundred.
But I think the basis of a great relationship is friendship. A great romantic relationship. definitely you know like i wouldn't your ex-wife what's that have you ever do you reach out to your ex-wife no way yeah same we're not i mean we're not but we were never friends which is why our relationship failed interesting i think
I have to check my NDA. I have to check my NDA, my divorce agreement, to see if I'm allowed to NDA her. She's awesome. I loved her very much.
I don't think I have an NDA, but I should check. I should ask my divorce lawyer, who actually was a referral from probably a mutual friend of ours. I'm serious. My divorce lawyer was a referral from another person who works in the media biz. And I was like, oh, I'm about to get a divorce. And she was like, oh my God, I just got one. Do you want my lawyer? I was like, great, yes.
And then I was like, I didn't do any interviewing. I was just like, sure, whatever. This works. But that's kind of how I do everything.
But I think you just want to go a little bit bigger, maybe physical. I don't know.
Yeah, why not? I mean, they can't be that different. It's just a bunch of papers. Okay, so I want to do takes on takes.
So takes on takes is when you get to be me. And I'll read a take and then you either 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay.
what's your take no oh okay okay okay cool so i get to be the other people yeah yeah do it okay so what's your take everybody can cook 100 disagree 100 agree with your 100 disagree that just happened with a chef chef jose andres who's sick and legendary but his that not everybody can cook
I think the hardest part for me is patience.
Like, oh, we're going to sit here in the kitchen and just fucking make a spaghetti limon.
And then also the ingredient gathering. Like, no one has limon. So you have to go to the store and buy limon.
Exactly. And just go to Little Frankie's and get the spaghetti. But you know what's happened is ever since I had a baby, I've been like, should I become the cook in the house? There's something sexy about that. Like my kid being like, I'm like, oh, I made you pad thai. Think about how sick that is.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Yeah, I think it's sick. Honestly, today I've been thinking about, do I stop at the store and pick up ingredients to make legitimately Thai food?
But I'm not going to do it.
I got too much to do.
Yeah, same.
but like i don't want to cook i don't want to cook like grilled chicken and asparagus i want to cook like literally like what what chicken florentine i'm just making up words right now whatever chicken florentine is or like beef uh you know snafu sounds fun like i want to cook something like unique yeah yeah like green curry i love a green curry um i know but you probably ordered at the restaurant yeah same okay next take ready yeah all right what's so what's your take
Maybe a podcast studio.
The men who tell women that they should smile more because they are prettier are correct.
No, this girl who said it, her name is Tien. She shoots Subway takes and she wanted to do a take and I let her do a take and that was her take. And again, I warned her. I was like, I don't know, man. This is... This is above my pay grade, but you're a woman. You should say the sake. And she explained it really well. And the comments were like, look, her sentiment is correct.
And she's pretty much saying that it is facts that no matter who tells... That when you're smiling, you are more beautiful and joyful. She was like, that's a fact. And she's like, but so the men... By what standards?
I don't know. Look, man. You just watch this.
She was like, everyone's more beautiful when they smile. But she didn't agree with the sentiment. And she was like, yes, the men are wrong because it's coming from a disgusting place in their hearts. And they should never tell a woman to do. But the words are true.
But what about the context for the story?
yeah i mean i kind of like it yeah but you're you're like a dude yeah i kind of like it until somebody says something mean about me and then i get sad yeah i just again like i think there's some stuff like you just like it's private like it's personal you don't know i don't know all right next one so what's your take the first place you should you wash in the shower says everything about you
But for those that don't know, Andrew Kuo and I have been business partners and creative partners for quite some time. It's Andrew Kuo, not the artist who you've probably seen on the internet. This is a different Andrew Kuo who, former lawyer, former banker, former Manhattanite. No, I'm still a Manhattan guy.
But do you have a methodology in the shower? Or do you freestyle it?
Every time. It's always different. You don't start top down, bottom up. No? Okay. Well, it sounds like you're a really creative person since you shower three times a day and you don't stick to one regimen.
I wash my chest first.
No, I'm just saying I wash my chest first and then I wash my arms and then I wash my armpits first. I don't wash my legs and we don't have to discuss our private parts on this.
The best things in life are cash only.
Oh, wow. All right. Refuted. Refuted. Bang, bang, bang. All right. Last one. If someone wants to become a DJ, they have to earn a degree.
In DJing.
I love the internet. I really do. When I was young, I had no other hobbies.
Really? We probably met on MySpace.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
Yeah. Mine was The Chemicals Between Us.
What are The Chemicals Between Us? I was really emo as well.
You know, it's a special alchemy of love, respect, inquisitiveness, imagination, vibes.
Yeah. Yeah.
No more takes.
You want to do more takes?
I think that she should do just that.
I think that everyone should do what they desire to do. And if their heart desires them to work, that's what they should do. I mean, I oftentimes, and as a man, I know that, you know, it's like, oh, you know, it's not really, it's not really like, it's not debated. Like, usually men are allowed to work or choose work, right? Like, it's not like a conversation that needs to be had.
I don't even know where I was going with this.
But I feel like I always have to, like, I love work. I say it all the time.
I think some people don't love work. And they could be men or women.
Did you read the Keith McNally book yet?
Are you planning on reading it?
Really? Wait, I didn't know about this tea.
I mean, I think the book is fantastic, especially for people who are workaholics.
I found it to be very inspiring. I read it in Puerto Rico, and it was the... Before or after the engagement?
Before. I finished it before. Nice. I finished it in three days, and then I proposed on the fourth day.
nice yeah but it was it was a book i was like oh this is nice a guy who likes working and also failing and also being in like tumultuous relationships and dealing with some adversity when he had the stroke and i was just like this is just an inspiring nice book to read okay i'll read it and report back i'm gonna go stand in line on saturday and get assigned really i'm a stan sadly oh are you having a bachelor is your wife having a bachelorette
I'm encouraging her to have a bachelorette.
Well, she's a writer. Can I send you some stuff?
I'm going to send you some of her stuff. She just started, actually, but she's really good. She's actually a great writer.
I'm supporting her. Yeah, I'll tell her to pitch you.
She usually writes about motherhood and womanhood.
Perfect.
Okay. Are you going to give me a promo code?
Queen. Come on. Actually, I'm going to call you King. King is a non-binary term. King.
Oh, 15 a year on locks at all? That's not a bad deal.
What color is the hat?
Well, you're not the one sending out the hats, are you?
That would be so sick. Wait, I'm actually doing it right now. Cosmopolitan All Access membership.
No, I'm buying it for me.
Oh, God. Does it auto-renew you?
Well, I'm literally, I'm not going to end this podcast until I'm done.
I'm accepting the privacy in terms.
You're not in it, though. I'm sorry. You're not in it. You're Walton Goggins. You live upstate. Walton Goggins lives upstate. You live upstate. You guys are both Hudson Valley guys.
I think it's great. I used to read it when I was a kid.
I also used to watch Sex and the City. This is how, this was my research.
That's a hack. That's a life hack. If you want to get girls, you have to read Cosmo and you have to watch Sex and the City.
I mean, I think many people think that this is a one-man show, the one-man operation.
I know.
I just put my address in there.
Drop the address?
Yes, of course. I think I can put this on my business card. Look.
I should not have said that Dale we have to bleep that out okay so billing address same as shipping address place order I put it on my business Amex because this is a business deal technically and your order is being processed if you're not automatically redirected refresh this page well you are you have done your job and I am the proud owner of a Cosmo subscription
Look at that.
Okay. And you make sure that my hat is like navy blue if that's possible.
Okay. Thank you. You can give that to her. I'm too thick for a crop top. I know you're going to say no one's too thick for a crop top. All bodies are great. But guess what? I'm not comfortable wearing a crop top.
I'll take the carabiner.
I put stickers on my Ramoa suitcase.
Well, listen, when I saw the damn price at $15 a year, how could I not? $15 a year is $1 a day, practically.
You guys are practically giving it away. If I was you, I'd boost those prices a little bit.
I like how Walton Goggins looks.
Cosmos for the streets. All right, Willa, where can people find you?
And follow Cosmopolitan on the internet as well. You guys know where to find that, people.
Well, thank you for coming on the show. You've been awesome. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Thank you. And I'm sure people will DM you after this episode.
Yeah. Podcasts are dating out.
I mean, he has such riz. He has incredible riz. Right? He's riz'd the fuck up. He's riz'd beyond belief.
No, they're writing Walter.
I became familiar with Walton Goggins. Actually, I guess I'm a late head. I've seen him. He's been in so many things. He's always been there, and he's one of those guys that's like, oh, that's that guy, right? He's like one of those kinds of guys to me. There's a lot of those guys. And it wasn't until I think his mainstream popularity, which is that of the White Lotus, is when I really –
And then the press tour. I mean, the press tour around that was brilliant. They made him a star. Late bloomer, but he's a damn star now.
C'est la vie, but he is a star now. He's a late bloomer, right? Like, he's always been an actor, but I don't think anyone was like, oh, I love Walton Goggins.
Yeah. But no, I don't think his body is that interesting to me. His body looks like many other men's bodies. I mean, his riz, I think, is based on the fact that he is what one would traditionally call an ugly person. And he's not necessarily commercially attractive. He definitely has a five head.
uh this is a compliment by the way he has a five head not a forehead and his hairline is crazy and his hair is crazy and his teeth are crazy i mean man's looks he looks crazy yeah he looks ai generated a little bit he looks ai generated and disheveled and homeless
Yeah, but I always tell people the secret to my success is that I work with a lot of people. Collaborator. I'm a collaborator.
For those that don't know, that's Architectural Digest.
I mean, his house was kind of tight, though. How proud of you? How proud were you of seeing the Hudson Valley in such a wonderful, distinct light, being an upstate guy yourself? Yeah.
His house was kind of interesting. Yeah. So I met him and his wife. By the way, all of these things I'm saying about Walton Goggins are compliments. I think that he's a great guy, and he's really funny, and he was really nice to me. And we hung out for a little bit, and his wife started talking to me. And he told me that he has spent 30 years in Los Angeles.
And then they just decided to move to New York and decided to make their residence Hudson Valley. And so they don't own or rent an apartment in New York City. He lives, he's like you, he lives upstate.
I ran into him at the Cultured 100 event.
which his photo shoot did numbers for them because he did that you know he did the banana there's like a photo of oh it was a yellow bikini yellow speedo yeah and that's what I'm talking about the man's never wearing a shirt he's never wearing a shirt I think you know he's so he was so happy like I was like oh he's really just a happy guy and I get the impression that he's like game for whatever
I think his teeth are fake.
But I think they're fake. I think I read that he got hit with a baseball or something in the face a long time ago when he was a kid. I think he's had those teeth for a long time.
I'm a collab post kind of guy.
I don't know if they keep changing the sizes, but he would play a great Joker.
He has the body type. If he lost like 20 pounds, he would be real sickly looking. And then they don't have to do much to his face.
I'm not obsessed with his body. You're obsessed with his body.
Well, I'm excited. We just recorded with Willa Bennett, who is the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine.
No, but his wife invited me upstate. No, he invited me upstate. But I don't know how serious he was.
Well, that's one thing that I have found really hard is that I meet so many cool people, stars, and I don't know how to convert it into a friendship.
How do you convert, you know, like Jose Andres, for example, was on the show. Yeah. And I have been a big fan of his for a long time. But I only get 7 to 10 minutes, 15 minutes with the guy. And there's also a bunch of other people around. So we don't really establish a very kinetic relationship. And I don't know how to become friends.
I have a hard time learning how to... I don't know how to become friends.
yes and uh i actually purchased a subscription to cosmopolitan while we were podcasting oh shit okay right on probably the first time that's ever happened which is cool it's unique yeah yeah that you've yeah you bought something live no no i bought a subscription to the magazine that she works for
What did you do there? Well, that one was just natural because I don't have enough old people in my life, so I gravitated towards him. right i guess and he's a he's a he's an you know he's a he's not as busy i don't think as like walton goggins
So what's your take?
So you didn't go to the Oscars for the film that you were in. Yeah. That won Best Picture. Yeah. Because the tickets were too, you just didn't want to spend.
Did he give it to you in person?
Oh, that's cool. That's like old Hollywood.
Like he came up to you with the script. Yeah, with the envelope. Read this.
That's great. I wonder how to maintain... I wonder why some people cannot maintain... A morsel or kernel of being a human after they experience some level of a phenomena called fame. And then others seemingly have a very good grasp on being a human and decide, I'm just going to keep doing the same thing that I've always done.
You're really miserable. I don't know what to do about it. You have such a nice smile when it makes a rare appearance. Yeah, yeah. It's really nice. Are you hitting on me? I'm complimenting a friend. Thank you. I'm complimenting a pal.
yeah the buddy comedy yeah the buddy drama but are you happy yeah you're happy you're not a curmudgeon i'm pretty happy right now for for a 50 year old yeah yeah you're not ready to start get off my lawn or are you doing that i don't have a lawn i live on the bqe your metaphorical lawn yeah get off the bqe
Get off the dang BQE. It's true. Get underground. Yeah. Find yourself on the subway.
Oh, nice to see you again. Nice to see you. You helped me buy a Halloween costume. What was I wearing again? Green pants or something? Or a skeleton shirt. I was looking for a skeleton shirt. Thank you for that. You too. Nice to see you again.
That's all you did? It was Halloween, and I was doing a show, a punk rock show. I'm in a band. I'm in a band. Tiny? Gun. Gun. I'll let you hear it. Okay. Give me a second. All right?
Oh, okay. That's the fellas. Pretty good, right? Yeah. When's your next gig? We're playing in Minneapolis next week. What venue? We're playing at this new venue called Green Room.
That one's actually free. Is it? Yeah, all you got to do is tweet out one nice comment about Minneapolis. You just say like, oh, look at this. There's so many lakes in the city.
That's a nice place. Yeah, yeah. What were you doing there?
Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, we played it. Oh, look at this. One of the old trains. Yeah. We can take this. I want to get your take on some other takes that have been on the show. So, this note here says Michael Shannon. It has no other notes. It's blank. It's blank. So, you got 100% agree or 100% disagree? This is a yes or no. That's how the show works. Okay. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
No. 100% disagree. That makes people happy, some people. Yeah, I think keep the Wi-Fi. I agree. Yeah. But I do think that there is a nice... It's really nice to be on an airplane watching movies. That are, you know, there's only a certain number of movies available. Yeah. And you only have to pick from those.
Wow, that's incredible. Yeah. But you were an actor... on the screen before you were an actor on the stage, correct? No, stage first. Oh, stage first. Stage first. Stage and then big break. Yeah, yeah. Groundhog Day. Don't know if you guys have heard of it. Stage, then big break, then back to the stage.
Is that true?
No. No one cared. No, no. Alright, let's see your take on this other take. So somebody came on the show recently and they said that every straight guy should try butt stuff at least twice. No.
I read the synopsis of Eric Leroux. Yes. And I also discovered that it's your directorial debut. It is, it is. Which seems like a real... a real decision to make. Because I'm sure you've had the opportunity to direct films before.
You don't have to. I'm just following instructions. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want to. Yeah, it's a solid no. Look, I agreed on the episode mostly because I want people to like me. Yeah. I'm a people pleaser. Yeah. But personally, it's not for me. No. I've had things in and around. No, not in. I've had things around. I had a colonoscopy. We can talk about that.
You like the subway?
I would love to because I actually just thought about how I'm 38 now. I just had a kid. Do it. Why do it? Do it. Why? You don't know what's going on up there. But it sounds scary. For your kid. I know. I just had the kid, and now that I had the kid, I'm really worried about, like, that kind of thing. Yeah. Like, I need to get the cold. I mean, you seem healthy, though. I think I look all right.
Yeah. I feel all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I probably drink a little too much.
No, not like that. That's what they want us to do. They want us to drink? Yeah. Do you drink? I used to. You quit. I stopped. Good. That's what I'll do. Following my footsteps. I want to be like Mike. Yeah. Rock stars without tattoos always make better music. No. I'm just going to keep going on. Michael Stipe has a tattoo.
He's got a tattoo. You know who doesn't? Who? Paul McCartney.
David Bowie. No tattoo. Yeah, yeah. No tattoo.
You got them. Are they cool or are they uncool?
Get a funny tattoo? I have my name spelled incorrectly on my thigh. And I got that because I think it's funny. Well, that's cool. I also have a worm, like a hobo worm.
with like a little stick in a bag oh that's cute yeah yeah i like that yeah i think it's i think it's funny i look down when i'm when i'm pooping because the the incorrect name and the homeless worm are both here yeah and sometimes i give a little your heart swells with pride i have a little chuckle yeah yeah no no do you have any do you have a four-leaf clover what the fuck
I mean, he's dang Irish. Oh, heck yeah.
I literally did guess that. I promise you that I did not do any research. You've been looking at naked pictures of me online? As you can probably tell by this interview, I didn't do any research. Well, it was blank. It just said Michael Shannon on a black page. But I knew you had a four-leaf clover. How? Because you're Irish. There's tons of pictures online where you can see it.
Brother, all Irish people have a tattoo of a four-leaf clover. True. If they have a tattoo. Yeah. I'm very proud to be Irish. You know, the Irish, I feel like, are having a real resurgence in popularity. Yeah.
From Paul Mescal to just the vibe that Ireland brings to the global stage at the moment when it comes to human rights and such. Yeah, they're civilized. They're good civilized people. I love the Irish. I tried to get my friends to go on a bachelor party to Ireland. And they said, no, we're going to Denver.
So your subway takes is that people should take the subway?
Yeah, I was thinking we could go do a road trip. Yeah.
It's not poo-pooing, it's just, would you rather go to Ireland or Denver? I would rather go to Ireland. Ireland, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have a couple more. Okay. Are you having fun? Yeah. I like your shirt.
You did this?
Oh, that's cool. If you pay rent, you should own a little bit of that property. No. Oh, man.
I think you kind of look like a curmudgeon, but every once in a while that little smile comes out. You have to work for it. I know. I got it a couple times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not now, no. I think I see it popping out. No? Like a little ray of sunshine. Like a little ray of sunshine. Do you have any advice for a young father of a daughter? That's me. She's only 13 months.
But I'm still asking for advice in case, you know.
Directing, it seems stressful.
Yeah, yeah. So you'd much rather prefer to show up and do the job?
And what drew you to this story in particular? I saw, yeah, you mentioned just about a school shooter, and it's really about his parents coping with, what did we do? Is this our fault? Right, right. And so that kind of... That's tension. I mean, that's a big tension.
Did coming from an acting perspective make directing a film that you're not in more difficult or easier?
You think you'll do it again?
I'll write something for you.
Okay. It's a buddy comedy.
Yeah, it's about this guy named Kareem. Okay. And his pal, Michael. Oh, okay. And what they're doing is they are on a mission. Mission? To open... A new New York City souvenir shop.
I know. And that's why it's so crazy and zany.
Because everyone's like, you can't open a New York souvenir shop. The city's filled with them.
And they're like, no, no, you don't get it. We have a vision. Right. It's going to have a coffee shop in it. Right. And it's also going to sell vinyls.
But you take the subway often.
Yeah, it's about two guys that want to open an indie target. It's an indie target. I do think a buddy comedy could be nice, though. I would like to see me and you in a buddy comedy.
I actually have a really good pitch. Where we're crying the whole time. I have a great pitch. Yeah. I've been thinking about this movie.
No, no. I've been thinking about this movie a lot. Okay. I'm serious. Okay. So it's me and it's you. Alright. We're roommates. And we've been roommates for 20 years. Like, we're good friends. Best friends.
After 20 years? Platonic heterosexual life partner. Okay. But... Like an odd couple. Then I get a girlfriend.
And I got to go, Michael, I'm moving out. And you are so sad. It's like marriage story. I'm already upset. Yeah, exactly. You're just pitching it. And you do everything in your power to keep me there. And I'm like, dude, it's not your fault, Michael. I'm growing up. I'm in love. I want to move in with my girlfriend.
No, no. It's more like marriage story. Oh, okay. It's more like you're like, is it my fault? Can I do something? Did I do something different? And I'm like, no, it's over. Right. It doesn't have to be over just because you met somebody. But the roommate ship is over. Me and you being roommates, we're done. Can't she just move in with us?
It's really ridiculous. There's a lot of cars. What does it take for you to take a car?
Of course she can move in with us, but that's a different movie. That's not the drama.
But that's more fun. I want to do a male best friend breakup movie. That's what I'm thinking about. Because nobody's really exploring the male friendship beyond buddy comedy. It's like you've got great films like Superbad and almost every movie with two guys is a buddy comedy.
Yeah, the buddy drama.
I think you're 50-ish. Yeah, 50 on the nose. Directed your first movie at 50. Yeah. Kind of a renaissance, man. You've got a band that you play in. Yeah. I believe there are two bands. There's the R.E.M. band. There's a bunch of bands. Yeah, the R.E.M. band. That's the one I've been doing mostly lately, the R.E.M. band. And I'm assuming... That you love R.E.F.
Now, when you started that project, did you hit stipe on text and say, I'm starting an R.E.M. cover band, or you just did it and surprised them?
How do you decide what to pick up and what to put down? Because I suffer from the same disease, I suppose, which is that I like to do a lot of different things. And sometimes they don't connect. So I have a band. It's called Tiny Gun. We make rock and roll. I act. I'm in a movie. I directed it. Or no, I didn't direct it. I wrote it, produced it, and starred in it. Then I have shows like this.
I'm kind of just doing whatever I feel like doing. That's the way to do it, man. I mean...
But not in the way that you sometimes now see people on the internet being like... I wake up at 5 a.m., I journal in my diary, then I dunk my face in a bucket of ice, and then I take a cold shower. Right. And then I do that. Like, you're not saying you've got to optimize.
You have a Chicago accent? Well, you didn't really grow up in Chicago?
I know, but is it fake?
But is the accent fake? That's the only thing I care about. I don't even know how to answer that question. Answer it honestly. Is the Chicago accent fake? Are you doing it because you're like... Because I'm on your program?
I mean, I do know that, but only when you're acting. I want to know the real Michael Shannon. Too bad. You speak in Jamaican patois most of the time? Yeah, most of the time.
Yeah. We have to get off here. That's funny. This used to be my stop. This is my stop, actually. Oh, it is? Literally. Oh, okay. I live here now.
Yeah. Windsor Terrace? Exactly.
Little known neighborhood. I like it. It's a great neighborhood. The Chicago accent, though. Yeah. I'm not going to let it go. Okay. People... I'm from Minneapolis. Oh, I've been there. I've been there, too. Whoa. Whoa. Service train. Yeah. So I'm from Minneapolis, and what I've found is that when I tell people that I'm from the Midwest, they like me more, honestly. They do?
They do like me more, yeah. It's like an endearing quality.
Being from the Midwest. People love you more, I think. They're like, oh, look, Midwestern guy. You don't agree with that?
That's not true. It is. It's not true. I think that's one of the reasons you're so beloved. You think so? I think it might be. I don't think it's your acting chops. Yeah, no, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be that. I think that in terms of acting, you could use a little bit of... Help? Appreciation. Oh, yeah. Well... I feel like you're underrated, personally.
what do they do to you they pitch me takes oh do they all the time all day long i can't even go on the subway i actually have to take a city bike and wear a disguise oh wow i'm sorry about that you know i got this movie coming out i made eric will rule which is kind of about it's about the parents of a school shooter and
I bet you don't want to talk about this right now. Really? I think you're underrated. I think you're very underrated. I really do. I don't know if this is an uncomfortable subject for you.
I know, but I think we need... I want to generate more excitement around Michael Shannon.
No, you don't need to be there. Okay. You don't need to be there, but I think we need to call your agents and say, like... Or my publicist. Jesus. Is that... Great. So we need to tell her. To amp it up? No, we want to make Michael Shannon a star. A star. Not a famous actor or a great actor or one of the greats. We want to make him a star.
This is my fucking point, okay? I'm sorry. I'm just going to... This is my fucking point. Michael Shannon doesn't have a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of... What is this? It makes no sense. Well, you know, they cost money. I don't care.
$75,000?
Can I pay for my own star? You could. Right now. Yeah, I think so. Oh, so it's not even a real thing?
This is good information. I'm buying you a star. When this video comes up, I'm going to do a GoFundMe.
I'm going to do a GoFundMe. Get Michael Shannon. I actually might do this. Verbally, can I have your permission?
But if you keep thinking like that, you're never going to get a star. Yeah.
it's true you know what i mean like the money that money is going to a lot of things all the time yeah there's money constantly going to things and look i'm pro things i'm pro fundraising i'm pro i'm pro things i'm pro bettering the world world but sometimes i feel like you know you're keeping such a low profile you're such a humble guy like i want to go out of my technically you're a cause to me you're a cause like what if you spend all that money and you get the star and then somebody just like pees on it or something it's inevitable
Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard, you know. Hollywood Bullshit-a-vard. Bullshit-a-vard, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like that? I do. You know, one of my favorite things that you've ever done that I've seen in my life, I'm not going to mention a film right now, I'm actually going to mention a photograph.
You were sitting at the bar in Chicago.
You were sitting at the Old Town Alehouse on the night of the Oscars when the film that you were in, Shape of Warner, was nominated for 13 Oscars. It won and won Best Picture. And you were in Chicago at the bar.
Do you have more ideas up your sleeve? Of course. Boyroom's just the tip of the iceberg.
That's so nice. Why are you being so nice to me?
You're a really nice person. Actually, you're a really nice person. No, no.
Oh, no. Every time I've ever talked to you, you've been so nice. You think about me a lot. Actually, one time you did something really nice. When we first met, I think we had first met maybe like four years ago or three years ago. And we were at a show. I forgot whose show. Maybe it was my show. Maybe it was someone else's show. But you were like, hey, we don't know each other. But I like...
knew about you when I was in college. You were like, I loved your website. At the time, my website was a Google Doc.
That's so cool. I feel potentially like an elder statesman a little bit. Even though I've only been in the scene for six years, I feel like I like the youth a lot. I really do like the youth a lot. I only hire people exclusively based on vibe. I've never hired someone based on their skills. It's always based on vibe. My question is, would I go on vacation with this person Yes or no.
And if I would go on vacation with them, I hire them.
She's the host of the popular internet show, Boy Room, which is television that is on the internet, kind of like my shows. And she's one of the funniest people I've ever met. And her take was that there should be no more group chats, which I find to be...
So that's a little tip for the Rama heads out there. What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy Kareem Rahma, host of Subway Takes. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe you made the excuse, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help, or I don't know which doctor to go to. Yeah, I think we've all been there.
Booking a doctor's appointment can feel so daunting. But thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes. Do it.
Do you want a normal job?
What is wrong? What's wrong? You have a cold?
Which is not bad. It's not bad.
It's just how it goes.
Um, one, one thing I want to talk about. So did you have a, this is based on your take. I just wonder, um, did you have a falling out with the group chat? Were they angry? Wags?
Wives and girlfriends of Zach Schiffman. Is that what it is?
I left a group chat recently and destroyed a friendship.
i'm so sorry kareem i'm no longer friends i'm no longer but i was like you know what i'm done i was like i'm injecting myself from this group chat i don't want to be friends anymore and i'm out and i dipped and then they tried to add me back in and make a new group chat and i said no i don't like this i don't i don't i'm not friends with this person anymore wow i'm really sorry and i'm sorry that they didn't like respect your boundary to not be in it anymore that is really difficult they try to put me back in
So how many group chats are you in?
How many are you in?
Those are your cornerstones.
Do you engage in that one?
How many people are in that one?
That's a small one.
Oh, see, that's too intimate.
in the fair group chat.
That's far too intimate.
Well, what if you did an Irish exit?
I was once in a group chat that was set up for a trip, like a bachelor party. And it was probably like five close friends or maybe three close friends and then like five, you know, of the bachelor's friends or whatever. And after the trip, people kept saying like, oh man, that was so fun. Oh, I want to go back. I want to do this. Oh, we should hang out.
And I got really, I was like in a mood and I was like, guys, the trip is over. It was fun. All good things must come to an end. Yeah. And I'm leaving the group chat. And then I left. And I think... I'm pretty sure everyone talked a lot of shit after I left.
Don't you think so?
But is it community?
Oh my goodness. I think that it feels to me like more of a liability these days to be in a group chat. Because look at the president's guys, Trump's guys. Of course. All their group chats are leaking.
It's true. It's like a nightmare. OK, I'm with you on this one.
Do you think people just love you in the group chat? I feel like people just love you in the group chat.
Wait, you can leave.
Well, that's because Zach Schiffman knows everything about everyone. He's incredible. He's my source. I love him.
He's incredible. I ran into him the other night and I was like, man, I love being around this guy. And he was, well, he was just telling, he was spilling so many secrets and talking so much shit about so many people. And I'm like, you do realize we barely know each other, right? And he's like, yeah, but he's like, but for some reason, I just feel like I can tell you everything.
And I'm like, yeah, you can, because I forget, like I'm very forgetful. So I have no idea what he told me. He was like, don't tell anyone. I was like, I won't remember this tomorrow, which is true. I don't have enough room in my brain for it.
No, it's not even that. It's just like I just have a hole in my head. Like I have a hole in my brain. Like I don't know anything. I can't even remember what I did yesterday.
Wait, would you, if I started a group chat with you and him, do you think he would participate? Because he doesn't respond to my texts.
No, you can fire it off. But I have a question. I text him and he doesn't text me back. What's the deal with that?
I sent him a text on Monday at 1.53pm and I said, God, you're so funny because this was after the party and I was thinking about how funny it was and guess what? He didn't respond.
It is a community.
But he likes me in real life. Okay, look at this. Monday, August 26th. Shall we post your subway take today? No response. Monday, August 26th. Zach, baby, are you there? No response. Thursday, August 29th. We are live. Collab post sent. No response. Saturday, October 26th. A photograph of him. Well, it's not him. Look at this photo.
It looks like him and Zendaya. And I said... I thought this was you. Look what he said. Nothing. No response. Monday, 1.53 p.m. God, you're so funny. No response. What the fuck?
Why doesn't he respond to me?
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? I'm texting him with you on CC.
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? So we're going to find out. Hopefully on this podcast, we'll find out why he doesn't respond to my text. That's really funny.
Oh, maybe. But he loves me. He told me he loves me. Okay, so I'm going to tell you the names of some of my group chats. And then you can rate them. Okay, one. These are the active ones. Safe Space.
Do you do the minimal amount of work in there? Yeah, no, I never respond.
That one is, I think, six people. Let me see. Okay. Yeah, six people. It's very active. That one's daily. Deep Down in John's Anus. That one's also pretty active. That's a daily. Tiny Gun, which is my band, that one's active. Somebody just sent a text right now, actually. They're talking about Haim, the band. Everyone has a different purpose. Safe Space is semi-offensive memes.
Deep Down in John's Anus is my closest friends. Tiny Gun is the band, and that one is mostly music-related, but also bits. We do a lot of bits as a band. People of color. That one's kind of hood. People of Color is kind of my hood group chat. The last photo that was sent in there is Jack Links and Doritos did a collab for Beef Jerky.
And then there's also a video of Kohl's fired its chief executive, Ashley, after she slept with someone. And then I have NYC Full Cock! I have the Capitalism Group, which is my managers. I named that one Capitalism Group. I think it's pretty good, pretty funny. That's really it. Those are my most active and I have them all pinned to the top. Oh, I have the three ass cheeks of the Lord.
That one I'm not so active in, but Dale's in that one. And I receive a lot of memes through that, but I don't participate because I'm too active in the other group chats. Yeah, a lot of ass play in my names.
What's the name of your most active group chat?
Well, we don't talk about it. We just name the group chat.
Wow. That is sick. A miracle.
Who's the friend?
Wait, this is kind of not, I kind of like, this is an innovative new idea, which is like a purpose-based group chat.
How many girls are in there?
That's so nice, dude. I want to maybe do that for men.
What's it called again? Capitalism is awesome.
That's so sick. I love that.
Plus.
Like Paul Muskell or something?
What's up, Rachel? Welcome to the show.
I feel like that's attainable and achievable.
Okay, that's nice. Maybe Fran Lebowitz?
Or Barack Obama?
I think she's 26.
I just looked it up. I looked it up recently.
No, you don't. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
But maybe that's what's contributing to the erectile dysfunction. Yeah. Because that's what happens with erectile dysfunction. You put so much pressure on yourself to perform and then your pee-pee doesn't work.
No, I'm saying that I'm using it as a metaphor for executive dysfunction.
Because you have so much pressure and you're like, oh, I can't accomplish this small task because I'm going to fail.
And so you don't fuck. You don't fuck life.
I have another idea. Maybe every morning... So what I do in the morning is I listen to a lot of music. But it's big. And my wife hates it because it's loud. But I'll be really full blast Apex Twin or Charlie XCX party music in the morning. And it gets me hyped up for the day. And I'm so excited to start it. Maybe you could put on Wolf of Wall Street.
what's up everyone it's your boy karim rahma host of subway takes and subway takes the podcast amongst other various shows i have a really really really great guest for you today her name is rachel koster i've already recorded the episode so this is me telling you what we talked about already but stay tuned because we talk about her take which is that there should be no more group chats which i think i 100 disagreed with because i happen to love
No, no, that can't be true.
Of course. That's actually what the show is for.
Do you put that on in the morning?
That's so funny.
What's your screen time at?
I mean, mine's really bad. Mine's like eight hours plus.
So that's when we can expect the best of Rachel Koster?
It's three years from now.
35?
When you turn 35? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so right now it's 2025, the year. I don't know how old you are and you don't have to say, but let's give or take like a decade.
Between five and seven years.
So that's how long we have to the Rachel Koster project.
That's so good.
Baby steps.
I'm very supportive of you, by the way. I think that you're great and you have a nice soul and you're a very nice person. So whenever you need my advice or tips, you know where to find me. And guess what's funny? Zach Schiffman, it's been 10... Did he text back? No, he hasn't texted back and he's not going to. He's literally not going to. But I bet if you texted him one-on-one, he would respond.
I don't know. He has a vendetta against me.
I think Shiffrin has a vendetta against me.
He doesn't respond to me.
And what inspired this? Were you watching that guy, the Austin?
No, I'm not. I was wondering if you were watching the videos of that big buff, that jacked guy. He's black and he puts the ice packs on his face and Sarasota water. What's it called? Saratoga waters and stuff.
No, no, but you kind of alluded to this in the take. Yes.
I thought you were inspired by him.
Do you have a herniated disc or something?
It's debilitating.
I'm sorry that happened. So it only flares up. It always kind of hurts and it's always kind of weak. But then I had the worst flare up ever last summer in August where I was vacationing and I pretty much collapsed and I couldn't walk or stand up and I thought I was paralyzed. So I went to the ER and they gave me opioids and I was like, oh, I could easily get addicted to these. I love them.
I want more. Do you know where I can get opioids?
No, it can't be a psych.
No, it has to be like a body doctor.
What did she give you?
No, you have opioids? I'll buy them from you.
So you thought about it a little bit more and you found a solution, which is that group chats can exist, but there needs to be an expiration date.
Being regular is one of the joys. When you're not, it's almost like when you are sick on your deathbed and you're like, man, I wish I would have taken advantage of when I was healthy. That's what being blocked up is like.
Wait, so this buffness journey.
So it started, like, a year ago?
You have to eat protein.
I'm on a diet right now.
I'm just eating every meal of salad. It's not awful because I've actually now started to enjoy salads.
Because they're fun and creative.
What's that?
I might just do it for the piss.
Oh, that's nice. I like that. I'll do it for the piss and the shit.
The problem with that is I don't make my salads. I've never made a salad. I've never actually made anything except for scrambled eggs in the morning.
That's how I've been for 13 years. Unless I have a girlfriend or a wife who is willing and able to assist me in making my meals, which they've been happy to sometimes. I don't force them. Let me be clear here. They cook because they feel like it and they enjoy cooking, not because I am like, you have to be a good wife. But my current wife is a great cook.
Last night she made me a bowl with salmon.
And it was like a proper bowl. It was like I went to dig in.
Well, man, man, chefs are sex, like man cooks. Like I have a friend who I was talking to on the phone. He was like, oh, I got to go. I got to cook for my child or my children. He has two children. And I was like, damn, you're the chef in the house. He's like, yeah. I was like, what are you making? He's like, oh, one of them wants fried rice and the other one wants like gourmet mac and cheese.
You want to go vanish mode.
And I was like, you're going to make two meals. And then and then he's like, yeah, and then I'm going to cook for my wife. And I was like, damn, this dude is fucking sick. And I got really inspired.
To think about it.
This was about three months ago.
I don't know if anyone else says vanish mode. I feel like I invented that.
I make that at my house.
Do you know what the secret is? They add citric salt.
And it's fucking good. It makes it like tangy a little bit.
You just throw it in a bowl.
What is that? What does it taste like? It tastes like umami. It's umami.
What if I just carried a little jar of that in my pocket?
Like Hillary, when Hillary Clinton had that hot sauce.
Vanish mode?
I think that was the American government being like, Asian food is bad. Don't eat it.
Was it on the menu? Did it say MSG?
I only know one restaurant in Ridgewood. It's called Rolo's.
My wife is asking me to buy her some serum right now and I completely forgot and I was supposed to do it earlier today. I was supposed to go to the store called Blue Mercury to get SkinCeuticals CE Ferulic Serum.
You use that too?
I have to find it. Where do I go? It's one in the West Village.
That's too far because right now I'm in Chinatown and I have to go to Windsor Terrace, which is by Park Slope. So I'm going to make her do the job of finding me a location. Okay, I want to do takes on takes.
But did you call it vanish mode? That's the thing. No, that's my creation. That's my creation.
Takes on takes is your take on other people's takes.
What do you mean you're going to reflect? I'm going to give you the taste.
Okay, the first place you wash in the shower says everything about you.
So you 100% disagree?
I'm a conditioner-only guy. But wait, look. You wash the chest.
And then the arms.
And then the torso.
I skip leg day.
I never wash my legs.
It's amazing. I'm a little concerned with what you said about your generation, which is that your generation doesn't know how to use technology. Is that true? I feel like your generation is pretty good at phones, but it seems like you might be an outlier.
You don't?
No. I feel like girls get really mad if you don't wash your legs.
But... I should get a brush.
Do you have a wash rag or a brush or a loofah?
So I put conditioner in my hair immediately when I enter the shower and I leave it in for about 7 to 10 minutes. and then I wash it out, and there's no residue.
Let's hear your system.
The cough cast. Cough cast with Rachel Koster. It's so gross. It's not your fault. It's not. It's God's fault.
Okay, every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once.
What if somebody has a small winkle?
You don't think winkles are a problem?
Yeah, but everyone's mean to small penises and short people.
You're nice to short guys?
And you're nice to men with small weewees?
Oh my goodness. It's hard to know. Your true colors have come out.
Okay, that's good. Because I feel like they deserve that respect.
Let me see here. How about this one? I think ranch can kind of go with everything.
I love ranch.
Yeah, that's nice. I feel like a lot of restaurants don't have ranch.
I don't know if it's better than mayo.
Because I like dipping my fries in mayo and then a little bit of ketchup.
That is a very Parisian, but I thought they're mustard dippers.
Are you sure?
No, that's in Germany.
They eat French fries with mustard.
I mean, no, I don't know if that's actually true. Well, I don't know if that's actually true. Anything as a dating app?
Of course. Yeah. LinkedIn?
Is this something more? And she was like, I actually think it is. And then they slept together.
I know.
I know. I think it's awesome.
I think it's awesome. What's that?
No, it was an informational interview. But I think the informational interview was an excuse to go on a coffee date, which I think it's a little creepy.
Okay, last one. If somebody's not willing to take a train, cab, bus to your borough, they're just not that into you.
That's easy peasy, right?
Love transcends all trains.
Love transcends all boroughs.
Beautiful. Well, feel better. Yeah.
Thank you for coming on the show, even though you had a wicked cough.
It's not a big deal, I don't think. Rachel, where can people find you?
Find her on the streets. Go see her do stand up whenever the fuck it is. Follow her on Instagram. That's where you'll see flyers for shows. Rachel Koster, thank you so much for coming on the show. And you, you know, good luck with those surfaces.
Oh, that's the sign off?
Well, we can leave this part in the podcast and I'll say, Rachel, it's been great having you on the show.
Great. Now we have a new ending to the episode.
adobe create or whatever um is that what is that the app that you use under i mean that is one of the challenges of phone is is signing documents unless it's a docusign docusign makes it easy this is not sponsored by docusign but when i get a lot of docusigns and it just you just press a button and it automatically adds your signature
Especially when it's loose. Yes. Like the loose PDF.
What is executive dysfunction? That's a new term.
Wow, it's a real thing.
the group chat. I think the group chat is where memes are farmed and created. You know, I wake up in the morning at 6 a.m. I've got memes loaded into several of my group chats. And I know it's going to be a great day. So I disagree with her on that. But we'll hear why she, you know, wants to change that.
So it's a real thing. I'm looking it up on the internet right now. It's a literal disorder. It's like a disorder.
I'm a task master. I fucking love, I am a lover of tasks.
That's not true, but it is very kind.
But don't you think it feels so good to complete a task?
There's like a method. I have a methodology. Yeah, I used to be on that because I also have some forms of whatever. What are they called? Neurological diseases? Something like that. I have some sort of bad thing and I have ADHD and I got prescribed and I did Adderall and it worked and it worked really well and it made me a taskmaster.
But then I got off it and I continued to be a taskmaster because what happens is I get a hit of dopamine. Especially the executive stuff, the executive functions. For me, I have a list and it's like, drop this off at the post office. And it feels so fucking good. And I reward myself with a martini after I do it. One little task, martini. Another little task, little donut.
Another little task, matcha latte. So I end up spending a lot of money, but my tasks are complete.
Do you have a to-do list? No to-do list.
You need one note. You need a master note.
Is there a cure?
We also talk about vanish mode, which is a phrase that I've coined on this podcast right now and maybe will become the name of my production company. We talk about executive dysfunction, something I wasn't aware of before. It's not erectile dysfunction, but it does function as a way to erectile dysfunction. We talk about West Village Girlies. I'm pro-West Village Girlie.
Well, Connecticut is like the Switzerland of the East Coast.
Oh, my God. If I would have been to boarding school, I would have also probably been really thin.
Oh, that's, that's interesting. I don't like when they do drugs when they're young.
I feel like those are bad on your own.
That's when you were doing lines and now you do, now you do probably do a little toot in there. I call them toots.
It's British.
Let me get a little toot. And so you moved out. How many roommates did you used to have?
That's great. That's nice.
You know, they used to call those efficiencies.
Exactly. But do you have an in-unit washer and dryer?
Yeah, you have to graduate to that.
There's a pro to that. That is one less surface. When I was younger, I used to limit that amount of surfaces in my homes. No coffee table, no side tables. The only surface I had was a counter because then I knew that I wouldn't collect clutter.
I don't know if you guys are. We talk about group chat dynamics, our boy Zach Schiffman, herniated discs, and cooking. So stay tuned. Listen to the whole episode. It's a good time. Here we go. I'm putting on my favorite radio voice. Does it sound like... I think it sounds like a radio voice. I have a very, very funny and apparently a Luddite of a guest. She's a stand-up comedian.
You're in your Carrie Bradshaw era.
I'm assuming you live in Brooklyn.
You're not a West Village girlie.
Why don't you just start that?
You're just walking down the street and all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in this group now?
Oh my goodness. This has never happened to me.
Oh, okay. I should win an award for that. Wait, I'm supportive of the West Village Grill. I don't know what other people's takes are. I read the article. I didn't read anyone's takes. I don't know the comments. I don't know what the discourse is. But I'm proud of them for being themselves even if themselves are the same.
They're so happy.
Because you're a comedian.
They really are. I found out about the Japanese eggplant. Oh, well, listen, well, I mean, the actual Japanese eggplant, but also for the for the kind of clarity of what we were doing. I've also seen those two. I've also seen Japanese. It wasn't even wasn't even pixelated.
It was awesome. Listen, you can bring it back. I don't hate it. But tell me who gets the wide brim. We can call it the Nashville.
Okay, and that's just white people, white boys, white women?
Okay, where's the stagecoach?
Do you understand how many pheasants are going around assless because of Cam Newton? Come on.
He's got a lot going on. Okay, so we got these hats.
What's crazy is he wears all his hats and we still know he's bald. He's been bald from the jump. He's never had hair.
He's never not been bald. I think... I would argue he's probably bald when he came out. That's how babies work.
Hell yeah, you heard it here first. Put on a thong, straight boys.
No. Old English gentleman can wear it.
I even think, you know who I'm going to say? I'm going to say if it's a Kangol and you are Samuel L. Jackson, go.
My friend, my friend Mandel, who's getting he's not as old as me, but he's getting on up there. He started rocking the newsboy. He started rocking the newsboy short sleeve button up linen shirts, linen pants, fisherman sandals. It's a complete look and I don't hate it. And it's one I'm going to revisit come 45.
I literally go into the white. Listen, this is why we get along. A lot of a lot of people don't. think that queer men and straight men can get along when it comes to fashion because they think gay boys are going to call straight boys ugly and they think that straight boys are going to call gay boys correct. They think that's gonna happen. But look at us, building bridges, creating alliances.
Forming unions.
And huge fan of both the social media series and the podcast, now that I'm on here. And my first response to Jordan is, did he see the comments, what people were saying about his outfit? Yeah.
Is it... It's a little... So it is skinnier and I think it has marbling. I think it's like one of the pretty ones.
Did he see what people said about his textured jacket? That's my first thought. My second thought is he's not 100% wrong because everyone thinks every gay man is a style icon and they forget a lot of gay guys dress like they're going to or coming from kickball. We...
There is a type of gay that loves a drawstring backpack on clouds, that weird cut of shorts where it's just like the seven inchers, the nine inchers.
and uh fucking is that long or short i feel like that's long that's long but it's not long enough or baggy enough to actually be a fun silhouette it's just it's mid in every way it's mid thigh it's mid and you belong in the midwest if you wear some shit like that no hate no hate no hate we love chicago i'm not talking about you minneapolis i'm not talking about you cleveland i am talking about you
cincinnati cincinnati you're just kentucky the ohio river is doing a lot of work cincinnati well to our seven listeners in uh cincinnati i'm very sorry for yeah what jay's talking yeah talking a little shit fuck you and joe burrow i said it i said it that boy went to lsu i don't care about him don't be mean to them Okay, you're right. Joe Burrow's cute. I've always said this about Joe Burrow.
My favorite lesbian.
Joe Burrow, he's a quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals. Do you like how I said I don't know what that is because I thought it was a city? You said I don't know what that is about Joe Burrow.
You thought it was Joe Burrow, like Jonesboro.
What's Joe Burrow? Joe Burrow, where's that? I don't know. Wait, so this is a guy? This is a guy. Every now and then, he takes a big fashion swing. Wait, why do you know Joe Burrow? Because I love college football. Oh. He was a big college football player for LSU. Then he got drafted by the Bengals, took him to one Super Bowl. He's good. He's a good quarterback. This funky-ass white boy?
This funky-ass white boy. Yeah.
Oh, my God. That's a great description of him, too.
Listen, I love a funky-ass white boy that stays in his lane. That's kind of like the problem. Perfect. Whenever you see, whenever I'm on TikTok and I see a white boy adding a guitar solo to a song, I'm like, hell yeah. Keep going. You do what you were born to do. Add another one. Yeah, add another one. That's beautiful. Listen, I want them doing that. I don't want them listening to Fresh and Fit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I... First of all, love anime. But... But my... my take on penises, and this is a take on your take, my take, penises, they're like three versions of your penis. Have you thought about this?
I want them doing that instead. I don't want them talking about how they need to be alphas. You go ahead and shred. Get some licks in.
that's what i want out of them go ahead and shred that's how we get a pop punk renaissance is we give these white boys these guitars wait speaking of a pop punk renaissance i discovered this band called paradox the paradox from atlanta they're oh my god sick oh my god those are oh my god boys yeah people on tiktok are calling them uh black 182 and i do i do laugh a lot at that
Yeah.
Four little black teenagers with locks just like... Jamming. And I love it so much. Hit it.
Okay, so black people love pop punk because I'm trying to think, oh, Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. People don't know this. Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. That's why black people love Fall Out Boy. Because we heard something in Fall Out Boy. It's not just Patrick Stump's vocals because he spent so much time in Chicago. We know why he can sing like that.
There are three versions of your penis. I only know two. Okay. You know, okay. It's the default settings. I know soft and I know hard. Okay. But there's a magical place. The chub? In between. Soft and hard. Not just the chub. What I would refer to it as coming up, summertime penises.
I mean, what kind of like low key? Do you want there to be a Fall Out Boy song called Wagwan? Is that what you need?
Or Snow. Remember Snow? You want Pete Wentz to say, me don't do them things there. You want that? I do. I would like that. I would like that.
He doesn't need to get dreads or anything, but I didn't know that.
Yeah, black people love pop punk primarily because at that time, we still had a little bit of monoculture. So if you were a black kid who woke up and had to get ready for school, you were watching MTV or MTV2. And they would give you like you get one rap video, one pop video, one pop punk video, one alternative video. You would just get you would get all of it. So that's why.
That's why we love My Chemical Romance. My Chemical Romance loves black people so much, they named their second album, what? The Black Parade. When I talked to Gerard Way, he said he was going to call it the African American Parade, but I told him, no, no. Say black.
Black Parade History Month. Come on.
You got a point. What's the first song from My Chemical Romance? I'm Not Okay. That was about
crazy you are literally just being like what are they saying about me yeah you watching cnn is like me being like who said what that's not crazy no it's just i just have it on in the house it's either on mute or it's it's loud and i'm not watching but okay if it's on you you are an arab dad are you walking around arms folded standing up watching it of course yeah okay
In the summer, your penis, because of the heat of New York City and because of the amount of hot people outside, it's always a little bigger. It's always a little thicker. So this is the time to wear the Speedo, which was my take.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
I'm sure there's like a DJ there. I love that concept. I will definitely investigate now. But let's go back to... You're watching it on mute. Okay, you... No, no, the MTV Classics I've got popping. No, but the CNN is on mute. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to need you to get your fisherman sandals and your short-sleeved linen shirt now.
You're there. You're there and...
We are at that age now when someone, I'm about to be 37, when my friends and or I do anything kind of older now, it's not an outlier. It's become the rule, not the exception.
I think it's beautiful. You have two choices.
Well, listen, I do have an okay body, but the old man, every now and then... You think that like you are going to be able to sprint to something. You know, when you see the amount of time every now and then there's a subway that has a sign outside of the actual entrance and you go, oh, the train's coming in like a minute. Let me go ahead and just sprint.
And you sprint and you go, whoa, haven't done that in a while. Wow, wow, wow. Shouldn't have done it. Should have waited for next. The next train is coming in four minutes. Why'd I run?
Hearing a train going, I'm not going to make that. Hearing it is funny. I hear it and I go, whatever. I'm not going to run. What if I trip? Yeah, what if you trip? That is number one.
Number one cause of actual foot injuries among people our age is like, oh, I just kind of stepped weird. What? And that was broken. What? Your doctor will be like, you have a hairline fracture. What happened? Well, I kind of stomped.
I didn't wear my inserts.
Hey! What other old attributes are you rocking with? Let's look on the desk. I have a, oh my God. One actually happened very recently. This is, I actually skipped middle age and I went to elder care and I'm having to take note of this. I went to get something to eat. I was in the airport. I grabbed a napkin, I used that napkin and was about to throw it away.
So what's your take? Every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once. Compulsory service, you have to wear a Speedo at least once. I've never done it, and I'll never do it. Why? Are you scared? Of course. No, you shouldn't be scared. You hear that? You hear that?
But then I was like, oh, let me look and see if I can clean off my glasses with this napkin. Cut to 15 minutes later, Kareem, I'm still holding this napkin. I have become an old person that had a napkin.
I just had a paper towel situation walking around the airport wow at that point give me a chair to push me to my gate and wait and you were just holding this thing i held prepared prepared to wipe that's too oh i can't be there yet i can't i got to the delta lounge too early they told me i was too early i complained a little they let my old ass in
They said, sir, it's usually like three hours before the flight. This was in Atlanta. Also, I know I'm getting older because I go, okay, here's a nice one. This is the secret one in the cut. They got a new one. I'll tell you. You can tell your listeners. Actually, I'll do your listening this time. If you're ever going, if you ever fly Delta, Jackson-Hartsfield International, D-Gate, new Sky Club.
Brand new Sky Club. Go to it. It was so new. They had three extra very nice Atlanta black women there waiting. They didn't know what to do.
They didn't even have enough guests. It's just me and Tisha saying what's up. So go to D-Gate. D-Gate, that's a good one. Okay, here's a secret one. Oh, I actually love people putting up. So if you go to... is it's A Gates by the P.F. Chang that's up the escalator. That Delta Sky Club has a skylight, had some amazing pulled pork and green beans and macaroni and cheese when I was there.
That's a good one. That's a very good one. Some of the other ones, the T Gate one, Not so much. And I love you. I love Delta. You know, the play's been going up and coming down lately.
That's the sound of thousands of women in the comment section saying, we're scared, but we have to be negative at the beach. Bruv.
You can play about anything. They'll go, we'll give you some money.
That's a good fucking deal. And guess what? You are not even like really complaining. You're just letting them know. You're like, well, just so you know. Just so you know. Because every now and then, I won't even like do chat GPT. I'll go straight to that little conversation bubble on the app. I'll go. You go right in. I go, I have like a two-hour delay. And they go, let's do something about this.
Because here's the thing.
No, no, no. A guy like me is not packing heat. Guess what? Guess what? We're going to see it anyway. Whenever you wear baggy swim trunks and they get wet and you get out of the pool, we see it anyway. No, you don't. No one sees it. There's nothing to see. We've all seen it. There's nothing to see. And plus, people aren't even looking at that.
But you know what's beautiful about that? I love the fact that we can have these mixed class relationships.
Wait.
yeah there's also there's also something to I think there is something to being aware that at least when it comes to flying in America and out of America there are different levels of experience and like you can save a lot of money like that was not always gonna have the cheapest flights but experiencing a little bit of comfort and being treated a little bit more like a human instead of
Get off of her. Let her go. Yeah, stop fucking. She's gorgeous. I know you want to put another baby in her. Leave her alone.
Too many.
You're looking? Of course I'm looking. Okay, so this is an internal fear. Ooh, you got to conquer that. No. Wear a speedo. I'm looking around.
Yeah, yeah. And when they strap two of those kids to the wings, you just know. You save a little bit of money so you can go to Orlando and blow it all. Yeah. They're not going to remember. Kids aren't going to remember. They don't remember the flights. No, it doesn't matter. Actually, I can say this because I don't have any kids and the CPS can't come for me. Drug them. With what? Robitussin?
A little bit of codeine. Robitussin. Yeah. Whatever knocks the kids out.
Benadryl. You're from the South. Yeah, have your kids double cupped up. Take your kids to Houston. Do you have a codeine plug in New York? I do not have a codeine plug. My drug of choice currently is edibles and mushroom microdose chocolate that I have from this summer that I'm trying to eat before it goes bad.
Good. Let them old people trip. Guess what? I did some mushrooms and listening to Chaka Khan. And then you know what I did? I sent all of my grandbabies $5.
Hey, don't, don't. I'll do some cake. I'll do some cake. Every now and then, I'll do some. Get it up.
Get it on up. I'll do a little bit of cake. But, you know, Elon took all mine. No. I think that drugs are... When you're in your 30s and you're doing a little bit of drugs, you've actually... We're just not drinking as hard as the 30-year-olds that we knew. That's the trade-off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. This is a good script. Read out the script again.
Drink as much alcohol as you want. In fact, daddy's going to drink right now.
Comparison is a thief of joy. Imagine a world where we can all wear Speedos at least once and go, okay, that wasn't for me, but I got to experience it. If America wants public transit, if America wants universal health care, where are those things? Europe. What do they do in Europe? Speedos. That's what we're missing. Why are you advocating for this? Number one, I want people to be free.
Daddy was stressed. He doesn't need the couch to move. Okay. Yeah.
yeah daddy daddy's about to relax and have a couple scotch some scotch whiskey i mean i last night i went to a cocktail bar in harlem and one of the people with me my husband and my friend went oh you're married i am oh my goodness congratulations yeah i love that dude i didn't know yeah he's a good he's a good guy he doesn't like when i call him dude he's that kind of gay he goes don't ever call me dude i go and then you know what i say i go
My God. He goes, that's worse. Stop it. That is worse. I say, well, bro, what do you want me to call you? He says, if you ever. He's a fancy gay.
Can't call him dude, bro. Baby, love. Oh, hey, love. Gary. He doesn't like Gary.
His name is Garrison. Gary is what he would... If I wanted to piss him off, I would call him Gary. He's cute enough that Gary can work. I usually call him Gare. I love him. I love him so much. He's a good man. He kind of plans everything. And so like, whenever you go, oh, Jay, you seem so put together. Oh, Jay, if you ever see me in something cute, it was approved. You ever see me looking good?
He definitely got a text and was like, is this cute?
To me, well, because plot twist, a reference twist. So I'm bi. I have a joke in my set where I say, Jay, how are you a bi man in a gay marriage? The same way you're a dumb ass in this premise. So it's always one of those things where as a bi man, I married a beautiful, lovely man. And then people go, Jay, but does that mean you can never be satisfied? I was like, there's so much porn out there.
Also, I'm an adult. I can kiss who I want.
You don't know about that? I mean. Oh, Kareem, I forgot. You can't kiss who you want. I can't.
Whoa. Yeah. And speedos.
It's a superpower.
Hell yeah.
I don't agree with that. Okay, shit. I'm not going to put the lesbians – I'm not going to move their letter to the back. Those ladies do a lot of hard work, mostly carpentry. No, they don't go to the back.
No. Well, you can be a bi lady. Okay, wow.
Number two, I'm greedy. I want to see it.
five to ten years we shuffle the letters well depending on who is most persecuted in the month okay this is i actually love that idea thank you very much it will make people gonna have to reprint a lot of shirts that's okay no no because it'll be vintage it's like oh remember when when it was lgbtq and then all of a sudden it's blg and then the other you're saying treated the way sports sports teams have like different uniforms
people go i'm 65 you're right i do hate poor people i forgot what what i'm talking about how when the idea that like some older people are like oh i forgot oh yeah mexicans piss me off and you go
You can't trust queer people. This isn't some secret LGBTQ plot. This is a very public plot. I want to see it. We're all thinking about it. Objectify men. Objectify men. Objectify more men. That's what 2025 is all about. Get naked now.
they don't the forgetful racist they go there's something there's something about this guy what was i gonna i definitely want i want small government but what was the other thing that was really mexicans i almost forgot Those damn Mexicans. Listen, I like Mexico. I love Mexico. I'm actually very... I went to Mexico. I went to Mexico City.
I've been to the Yucatan, but I went to Mexico City for my friend's bachelor party. A bunch of gay boys. We went to Mexico City. I had a ball. I had too much fun because then there is a thought as an American. Where you go? What if I stayed? And I went, oh!
hot Mexican gay boys and while they do not represent all of Mexican culture they do take up a majority of my thoughts about it okay not me you can put okay watch this it could be BLM Bi, lesbian, Mexican, GT, gay, trans, or BLMTG. BLMTG. I like that.
Yeah, yeah. This is nice. There it is.
BLM, Black Lives Matter. Oh, and bi, lesbian, Mexicans. By us, for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For us, by us. I miss FUBU. It's back. Did you know? No. Okay, so it's back in a little... So, like, it came back a little bit secondary market. And then you know who really started rocking it again? Speaking of lesbians, Billie Eilish.
Billie Eilish had, I think, one FUBU jersey on. Billie Eilish was kind of dressed like she was, like, a supporting character on Smart Guy for a couple of shows.
Well, I mean, Billie Eilish's style was very urban, was very kind of 2000s street wear.
Yeah, yeah. For us, by us.
They're talking about Billie Eilish.
I'm buying new. I want some of the vintage.
But where are you seeing the classic FUBU jerseys?
Yeah. I mean, I'm down. We should go in on it. How do we... This is what I want to say.
They do have a lot of good... Whoa, no. Look, I went to men's jerseys. Zero products in this collection. What are they doing? What's happening? Did you just buy them all? Wait, why are there zero products in this collection?
No, the jersey was iconic. I remember people would show up to middle school. And later on high school, but in middle school, if you have more than three FUBU jerseys, I was like, God, what's it like to sell drugs? You were rich. I was like, please tell me. I was like, hey man, front me a brick. I'll slang it. I'll flip it. I'll cut it up. I'll cook it up. I'll sell crack, please.
My mom said, Jay, you get two FUBU jerseys. I had one platinum FUBU jersey. That was gray and white. And it was a huge deal. I remember I wore it one time and I was like, well, can't wear it again for a month. I hope everyone saw it. I got to school early, stayed late that day. I said, y'all going to see this?
You remember when you were in high school, you'd be outside of classrooms. You'd be like, y'all see this?
Yeah. Who has a disposable camera? Where's a couple clicks on this?
Yeah.
Wow. When I tell you I have a yearbook photo where I'm wearing a striped polo shirt, I want to say with... A striped polo.
Hey, don't you ever insult me like this. We were having a good time. We were having a great time. Not purple. I was a teenager. Come on. Just classic Ralph. Just that Ralph. It ain't Ralph, though. It was yellow, blue, black. I look like a goddamn bumblebee. Red horse. And this, this is the wildest part of it. Front tuck. Tucked in. Tucked into the front of the pants.
The jeans, probably Abercrombie or Hollister. And I want to say boat shoes. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't the freshest motherfucker on campus. I took a picture of that. I said, y'all better catch this.
But Jon Hamm is not what you need to be. In a Speedo, the most beautiful images in a Speedo are about uniformity and a bunch of other things. It's not sometimes a comically large Speedo. And this is kind of like, I don't know, Greek antiquity of me. Sometimes when a penis, when a bulge in a Speedo is so big, it's distracting. That's funnier than it's sexy. Have we thought about this?
that's listen that was young okay so that was the young dro era okay you know shoulderling okay young bro so dro who was part of pimp squad with ti grand hustle dro made dro and kanye made every black boy who was kind of in love with hip-hop they turned all of us into preppy kids yeah because kanye kanye Came with the rugbies and a couple of double polos and a Louis Vuitton backpack.
He's doing other stuff now. I don't know if you're up there on Kanye, but now he's sucking his cousin's dick.
That song is good, by the way. Sucking your cousin's dick.
Kareem.
Kareem, it can't be. Why not? No, I mean. One day they're going to play that in court. You can't.
No.
He was older than the cousin. Oh.
The cousin was much younger than him.
You play the instrumental? Yes. That's what you play? That's your version? Yes. By instrumental, you just mean you do this the whole time? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I just like the sounds. You can't suck your much younger cousin's dick and stay cousins. I didn't know the cousin was younger, bro, okay? I don't like the song anymore. At that point, Kanye, you're not a cousin. You're an uncle.
You're sucking someone's dick younger than you. It's a bad song.
i hate it no but kanye had us like rocking a lot of polo i mean i i remember that was like also i would i worked a job and i would like buy lacoste and i'd be like well it's gone like a paycheck would just be gone because i'll be like i got to come correct i think at one point this is actually very crazy i think at one point i think at one point
Cameron mentioned one brand of shoes, and me and my friends went to go see if we could get the shoes. They were these very expensive boat shoes. I think it was these like, oh my God, what the fuck were they called? I remember looking at them. Sperry's? Were they Sperry's? They weren't Sperry's. No, Sperry's. Sperry's. How pedestrian. Sperry's. Come on, man.
I was cutting my grass in Sperry's, okay? Donald J. Pliner. What the fuck is that? I want to say Donald J. Yeah, Donald J. Pliners. These are tight. These motherfuckers. Ooh, the mule is nice. Like, exactly. Wow. Why? Why did we know about these? Because Cameron said it. Those rappers, they were putting so many little things in my head. God.
I mean, though. So like my entire kind of fashion. my introduction to menswear was usually through rap and through media and then when i was in college i started getting the like gq you remember details details was gq sister magazine and then details was the gay one gq was the normal one details was the gay one and then details got gayer and then it got sent away
Yeah. Well, because like when everyone became metrosexual, details would say stuff like, and they'd be like, wait, what? Wait a second. Details? I just came here so I could smell Armani code in one of these pages. Oh, do they still do that?
Free smells. I love the free smells. Do you understand how many times I was like, thank you, Polo Green. Yeah.
That was the best.
We haven't thought about this. There are some times when a Speedo bulge is silly big. There's a whole, was it Propyrus? Propyrus? There's the Greek god that has the huge penis. I don't know about him. Oh my goodness. No, no, no. It actually is so funny because... He's the only one? No, Priapus, the Greek god, he's associated with fertility and male genitalia.
Damn, son. That's a fun little jab. That's an Easter egg.
100% disagree.
I'm just the normal. Yeah. Stop. You dropped off a lot this way.
I want to be like one of the... I'm bi, so I'm a crossover. Oh, like a Nissan Rube. I'm a hatchback.
yeah that's also a lot of tall people a lot of tall people at one point could dunk at a certain height dunking is easier than you think i just don't want to dunk now because of what we said about the foot exactly i'll break my fucking back if i try to dunk yeah he got he has a daughter let him live yeah let me live i'm not dunking i'm playing i'm trying to like put a ball in a mini hoop and
i don't think that's true i don't think that i 100 disagree only because i i've met some monsters and here's the crazy part they're still poor and not famous and they act like that do you know what i mean do you know what i mean i do a poor monster what is happening and i mean i feel like a lot of monsters are poor in spirit yeah and and financially and financially
If he would have said, I think all babies, I think babies at least 15 minutes out are all good, I'd agree. Me too. There's something that happens in that first 15 minutes for them babies.
Because of what hospital they're born in.
I know Harkness.
Guess what? 100% agree. 100% agree. This is how I hit on girls at bars now. I kiss my husband, and I look at her, and I go, could have been you. And then she goes, it should be me. And then we kiss, and my husband says, we have to leave. Yeah, you share a little kiss. We share a little kiss. My boy's got a long leech. Yeah, this is what Harkness said that the best way to get girls is to be gay.
I would, while I 100% agree, I would add be a little gay and by a little, just a little gay. There has to just be a thing. That softens you and also lets women know there's going to be shared interest. Be a little gay. Be a little gossipy. Understand details. Just these things that are.
Watch reality television. Have a favorite housewife, but also have a least favorite housewife. Moisturize your face. Moisturize your face. Clip your fingernails. This is even crazier. Clip your toenails. Even crazier. Maybe have someone else do it.
Being a little gay. I mean, being a little gay. also will let a girl feel special because then she goes whoo he's a little gay but he's still with me because a lot of people know this so being a little gay and being with a girl is actually such a testament to that girl's power because the sexual economy in gay land is insane the only thing i can compare it to i went to mexico city
But he was the, he was basically a joke. So his penis was so big, bigger than his body. They have all these like little tchotchkes and little figurines of him where his penis is, his penis is like in a wheelbarrow. It's like that.
I was like, oh, I'm a millionaire. That's how it feels. That's how it feels when you go gay. Oh, there's no tariffs. Tariffs? Maybe they're giving it away. You thought Delta gave you $250? You understand what Delta flight attendants are giving you? They're giving you everything.
Yeah, they got subsidies. They subsidies nuts. That's what they do. They subsidize Nets. Oh, man. There is a gaping chasm. There is an unfillable canyon.
in some of these gay boys oh man and you're you're just like you're you're bungee jumping down there so to stay with the woman when you could be out here really kind of being debaucherous a level of debauchery that i can only describe as bacchanalian that sounds nice that's but but if you love your girl you're like listen i'm a little gay but i love my girl and i'm gonna stick with it You get it.
I don't even want to see your DMs, Kareem. But I know. I know there's so many men who go, Kareem, please. They go, I know you said you're not gay. Just keep the sunglasses on the whole time. Please.
He's happily... I'm happily married. He's happily married. But these gay boys... I'm going to tell you what my gay friends have said about you. Do you understand?
Oh, my goodness.
100% agree. That's it. That's right. 100% agree. I'm from Mississippi. I just filmed my comedy special in New Orleans. I'm wearing a shirt that says New Orleans right now. Everyone has to spend a little bit of time in the South. Not prison, but the South. Where's your favorite place? Okay, Donald Trump is trying to send everyone to the South.
Yeah, Priapus. He actually is also, if you ever have an erection that won't go away, Priapism is named after him. Oh, that's good. Yeah, so he ended up in medical textbooks.
of here but my favorite place in the south i love jackson mississippi i love new orleans i love atlanta but then smaller cities i love not smaller anymore dallas and houston huge cities actually but in my head i go oh they're smaller than manhattan smaller than los angeles okay houston dallas new orleans these are all like great cities but then you have little pockets people love asheville north carolina i like
I like Wilmington. I haven't been to Savannah, but I want to go to Savannah. I like Birmingham. I like Tuscaloosa. I like Oxford. Those are two college towns that are insanely fun. Okay.
If you go to Ole Miss, you go to Oxford, eat at Ajax Diner.
In New Orleans at the Joy Theater. Beautiful. What's it called? That was like two weeks ago. I can't say anything. It's not out yet? Oh, you just filmed it. Just filmed it. Yeah, Thursday. That's amazing. Congratulations.
I want to promote this. I have nothing. There will be more announcements when I'm allowed to say anything only because the way deadline articles work, I let everything come out when it comes out. And then I go, look at this.
You can find me on all social media at Jay Jordan, J-A-Y-J-U-R-D-E-N. It's Jordan because I think it's Germanic. I don't know. Racism's funny. But yeah, Jay Jordan on all social media. You can watch our episode. Also, because of our episode, because of my Subway takes, I had two different Speedo companies come into my DMs and be like, Jay, we'd love to give you Speedos. Oh, beautiful. Yeah.
Beautiful. And they want to give you some, too. Wait, you should get it for the whole gang, though. Okay.
They'll do that for sure. You're in the gang, though. I want some for Kareem. Sure.
No, no, no, no, no.
I want to wear a baggy speedo. No one wants a baggy speedo.
He's a condition. But that's... I mean, like... that is kind of like the idea that, oh, everyone wants to have this like huge balls in a Speedo. No, you want it to kind of just be reflective of you and the sexiness is a man in the Speedo. The sexiness is a person in the Speedo. That's where the sexiness derives. The sexiness, because the sexiness, Kareem, is seeing your slightly wet curls
Thank you. This is a dream come true. This was such a delight. Subway takes the podcast. That's what this one officially is.
This has been wonderful. And we didn't have to kick us off the train this time.
You're a beautiful chest hair in a Speedo. That's what it's the image that is beautiful. It's not no one's just like zoning in. It's what it represents. It's what it represents. It's the freedom. It's the it's honestly right now is the fact that people will be like, well, you can't be American.
I have a couple of opinions on longer swimwear. If you want to do it, do it. Beautiful, do it. It does become cumbersome. I think it doesn't feel good. It clings. It clings. I think a huge similar moment in male swimwear. Daniel Radcliffe coming. Not Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe? No. I don't know. Who came out of the water? Who's James Bond? Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig.
I was thinking about Harry Potter, who also had his penis out in Equus, but on Broadway. But Daniel Craig out of the water, James Bond, not a full speedo, but shorter trunks.
Changed the trajectory of male swimwear.
That has to be 2008, maybe 2000.
That bulge, we don't know. We don't know. I know. I'm literally looking at it right now. But you're... I'm telling you, Kareem, I said this on the train in front of strangers. I'll say it again right now. Your bulge is not only enough, it's beautiful because it's your bulge.
Yes.
Yes, you forgot Taurus. My birthday is coming up. Oh, shit. Congratulations.
Well, he doesn't wear underwear, as we know from the famous video. That thing was awesome. That thing... It was the most... There's only one other video on the internet similar to that, where I've seen someone's penis act as a jack-in-the-box.
There's another video where a guy is dancing at a wedding in a suit. He kind of spreads his legs open pretty quickly and drops low at the same time, and it It's a full on all around the mulberry bush, the monkey chase, the bam. But I will say this. If you go look up that video right now, I have a suspicion that's some summertime dick.
and probably i i like i want to talk about the summertime deck okay yeah um i so i've been known if i'm going to wear shorts yeah i'm rocking five inch to seven inch they're short you're a fashionable man i didn't tell you that enough on our episode and i don't think enough people say it but you really be coming with the fits oh thank you so much you have an aesthetic you stick to it
You know why? Because it deserves to be congratulatory. Make it in this world another year.
It's this very unstuffy but still fashionable man about town. And I approve. I love it.
Tybalt the cat. I love anyone who can put on an unstructured jacket and make it look really cool. And I've seen you do that a few times. And this is like a genuine compliment. Whenever men...
get to play with their style particularly and this is harder a little bit for straight men because gay boys get to try a lot of stuff i know three friends who i was like okay last week was charlie xx this week is cowboy carter i get it you love a theme We don't let as many straight boys play with style. And this is connected to the Speedo.
Like every coming out day, I wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life. Oh, by the way, is that one day? Yeah, there's one day where you're allowed to.
Thank you. That's very sweet of you. I'm happy to be back. Big eggplant. I would say... Above average eggplant, but based on my research over the past 15 years, there are much bigger and just, they're kind of, eggplants are all over the place. They are.
There's a day where you celebrate the fact that people do come out. And it also is a good day to... investigate feelings and just be happy for people and remind you that certain celebrities you forgot were queer are queer. But on National Coming Out Day, I always wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life and those yet to come and to any straight man trying a new hat.
Yeah, because his friends are going to call him gay.
Okay. And all the other hats have come and gone. No. I feel like I've seen a picture of you in a bucket hat. I feel like you're a liar. Well, yeah, because I'm of color. Okay.
Is that who gets the baseball? That's who gets the bucket hats?
Okay.
I'm already throwing a monkey wrench. Okay, what about the brown Asians? What about South Asians?
Ooh, where does the line for the bucket hat stop?
You want to know why you're making that correction? Because they kill people. And I want everyone to know if you are Eastern European, you can do whatever you want. I love my kidneys. I don't want you to have them.
They're so cool. They're so strong. Thank you for Luka Donic. You know why he's good at basketball? Cigarettes. Trauma. Oh, cigarettes.
I was like, I can't. I can't. I love. I can't. I can't judge him. You got to get the bag, baby.
That's true. Bald man representation has... I mean, people just don't really talk about it. Like, the fact that you are essentially a special breed, and it needs to be embraced. Like, we embrace... At this point, we embrace...
Yeah, I agree with you. I think it's like going to the gym too much. It's like when you're buff, it's like, oh, we obviously know how you spend your time. I think if you are fit, that's good. If you look healthy and you take care of yourself, good. But if you're buff and you're like 40, I'm a little bit like, dude, I know how much time you're spending in that gym.
You got a family to take care of, brother. You got to read a book sometimes, maybe make some content for God's sake, scroll on TikTok a little bit. Get out of the gym. Stop pumping.
They're prepping for the launch.
Most of the time it is, unless they're awesome, which is rare. But if they are awesome, it's going to be an awesome time.
So I want to talk about your take, which is one of the takes that I really, really, really agreed with. So what's your take? Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup. 100% agree.
Preach, brother.
100%, 200% agree. If I go to a place and the burger doesn't say burger and fries, you have to buy the burger for $8, actually $18. Ridiculous. Plus another $7 for fries, and then they bring out the artisanal ketchup. You're wrecking the experience.
And think about the poor person in the kitchen crushing tomatoes. Is that what ketchup's made of? I don't know.
I'm not with you on this one.
I'm sorry.
Get off the show. And is one of the takes that is it's so good because it's so specific. But there's only like there are only some people that think about it. And there's a lot of there's a lot of us. Right. We've seen the comments, but not everyone thinks about. But everyone knows it. But no one's ever like put it into words like no one's ever. But, you know, I've put it into words.
You put it into words. but the the response was incredible because there were so many heinz heads that came out of the closet and were like down with artisanal ketchup we don't need it like protesting the streets or the comments and it was it was just a fantastic take well i appreciate that and i you know when we were talking about it at to see a like-minded person out there was something that
Those are nice. Ooh.
This is what we live for. You know what I like on the mini bottle? You pop that seal and it goes. You feel it. It's such a great moment. And if you are at the Four Seasons or any nice hotel, the fries are always important part of the menu. Great fries. They deserve to be dipped in great, if not the greatest, ketchup in the world.
I've done it.
Yeah, because I don't mind a gourmet burger. I mean, gourmet burgers are great. I love a gourmet burger. And the fries, usually, you know, great. And then nothing kills the vibe, ruins the mood, ruins the meal like a little fucking carafe of chunky, sloppy, non-vinegar, non-sugar tomato paste.
It's a tricky thing to be a bald man. How does it feel to be arguably one of the funniest bald men? If not the funniest.
Yeah. I mean, it is really funny. And then the thing that you lost me with. We talked about the fries. The fries and the burger come together. It's not $18 for the burger and an additional $6 for fries. That pisses me off. It should be illegal. It's price gouging. 100%. Putting tariffs on my damn burger. Yeah, don't do that to me. It's ridiculous.
We can make fries. Fries should be affordable. They should be included in the meal. Yeah. But you lost me. I know. On Miracle Whip. I mean, what even is that? Here's us talk about this, because...
I think it's just mayonnaise with a bad aftertaste. Okay. I don't know if it's relish. It's something disgusting, though. And here's the thing. There's something that makes it disgusting, and I don't know what it is.
I think top maybe five or three.
No, no, there's not that many. I'm looking right now. So mayonnaise is made of oil, eggs, and vinegar or lemon juice. Miracle Whip has the same basic ingredients but with less oil and the addition of water, sugar, and spices like mustard, paprika, and garlic. So you were right. I was actually going to make fun of you for calling it spicy. That's a real white guy thing.
Like, oh, give me a spicy water. Are you familiar with spicy water? I am, yes.
And Larry David doesn't count.
No, that's fine. Little kids can say that. But if you are 45 years old and you go to a restaurant and say, give me the spicy water.
Yeah, seltzer is just a very New York thing.
In the Midwest, it's soda water.
Well, no, he kept, he kept, he's not bald. He's got the sides.
I don't know what the difference is. What is club soda? Club soda has some salt in it, I believe.
Which I don't think is bald. That's like a new, that's a different class.
I don't know what that is. I don't know. I have no idea what that is.
Oh, wow. It's rough. Wait, those are not children's foods. Yeah. Do not give your children Clamatos.
Italians are the spiciest of the whites though.
Of the whites, for sure. I mean, Germans can't compare. Amsterdam, Amsterdamese. Yeah, you're right. I guess those are technically the Dutch. Who else is over there? Paris, France.
Yeah. I don't know if they're white. They're, like, Mediterranean.
But I guess Italians are kind of Mediterranean too. It's tricky. People have argued that Italians are black.
We did a Subway Takes Live on stage discussing that somebody's take was that Italians became white after 9-11.
Yeah, because that's when they got upgraded.
I mean, at one point in time, everyone was – and I say this as not only a joke but also a truth. But when I say that they were black, it means that they were having the problems that black people in America have today and have had for a long time. And so when I say the Irish were black, I mean that they were looked down upon by – A hundred percent. Yeah.
But not as good guys. They were always villains. Mafia, right? Yeah, they were always a greasy fucking scumbag. I'm Arab, so I can say this, but they were the Arabs until 9-11. And then they go, we got new Arabs, baby. We got these guys that are actually Arab. We're going to villainize them. They're the bad guys now. And Italians were let off the hook.
And then it was guys like Stanley Tucci all of a sudden fucking eating pasta on CNN. And they go, great. He's fully in. He's an intellectual. Like, let's do this book, you know?
yeah into like regular good hard working uh middle class people not peasants not not all right i see this i see this what was the reaction to the crowd in the in that take It was pretty rowdy. Do you know Catherine Narducci? Yeah, yeah. She was on the show essentially defending Italians. She did a great job. She just kept saying... What did she keep saying? She just kept saying, Why?
Why are you doing this? Like to the guy. And it was just really funny. She kind of got it but didn't totally get it. And... was just kind of confused as to why we were even discussing it. Just on stage being like, what are you guys fucking talking about? Why is this a conversation? And I also think that was the reaction from many people in the crowd because we talked about it for 45 minutes.
What does a bag man do for a living?
They call it the VIG. Don't they call it the VIG?
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think the big, you don't have the money. If you don't have the money, it's going to be a problem.
That's amazing. That's really great. And then and then so so we can definitely like bald men can have a moment like all it needs is like New York magazine to write one article that's like bald men are like welcome to bald man summer.
You just accept it. That's a sick. I mean, that is a sick job to go around and collect the money. But if if if the bag man does not have to do any enforcing, then that's a job that I could do. You go you go there. You say, hey, Kathy, how you doing? Can I get you know, can I get my. Yes, I think. And then you call if you know, if they don't pay up and you call Sal. Yes. Like Freddie.
Wow, that is a nice little life.
That's a nice little life. I want to get to some of these comments. Sorry, sorry, yeah. No, no, this is exactly how the show goes. I thought this one was hilarious. Have you been to Jamaica? Because somebody commented, Jamaica has the best ketchup.
That's all it takes. One headline. Bald man summer. This is the season of bald. And then every woman is like, I'm so fucking in. It is the bald season. Shave me, baby.
It is ridiculous. I've been to Jamaica three times. Yes. The ketchup, I cannot remember anything unique about it.
I think it's Heinz. I think that that's that is probably what it is. They're like Jamaica has the best ketchup. It's literally Heinz.
Wait, what is it?
I don't support this at all. I don't at all. This is not ketchup. This is a different thing. It's a different flavor. It's not ketchup at all. It's just something else.
By the way, Heinz owes us a free trip to Oklahoma or wherever the fuck they're making it. Pittsburgh. For some reason, they've DM'd me. Me too. They've DM'd you. They've emailed me. They've emailed you. Yeah. They keep saying, we'd love to take you to the factory. You would call. I go, I'm in.
They've emailed so many times. And I said, I will go whenever you are ready. I'm in. And I go, I go, I've talked to Paul. He's in too. And then they ghost.
What the damn frick is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma, back with another episode of Subway Takes the Podcast. Today, I am joined by the legendary comedian, actor, sometimes magician at children's birthday parties, Paul Scheer. You may know him from his very en vogue gaps space between his teeth. Finally. It's made a comeback.
Is that only available at the factory?
I think I might... Why don't we put... By the way, it's called The Remix. Oh, that's a sick fucking name, dude. They can do no wrong. That's a sick name. If I was Hunt's Ketchup, I would close up shop.
Enhancers? Enhancers?
little do they know how much cred i mean what we've done for their company already we're talking i mean they're spending the majority of time talking about heinz their comp their comments have like 15 000 likes and and yeah i was like why what you're commenting you're talking you're dming me you're emailing me you have your reps just fucking buy my ticket i will be there tomorrow that's what i'm saying get me there and let's go
Let's go. Let's fucking go, dude. It would be so sick. We'll probably walk away with so much free product.
I can stand behind this. And then the teeth, the tooth, that's very sexy. Right now, that's very sexy.
Do you keep your ketchup in the fridge?
Oh, that's interesting.
I think that's normal. I do that too. I don't even know why I said that's interesting. That's literally not interesting.
Important question. Where do you keep the butter?
Here's why. It's because you're rich now. Rich people keep the butter out. Okay.
Yes, you are there. Rich people keep the butter out. It's a fact. I don't keep my butter out yet. I'm on my way. But soon I will keep the butter out.
This sounds really complicated, and that's probably why it's for the rich. I mean, you've got to get those contraptions.
Now, let me ask you a question. Are you using more butter ever since you left it out? Because that's kind of a fear of mine.
I'm only using butter for cooking, but I'm not slathering it on things.
Yeah, either one.
What do you mean they don't butter? You put butter like little chunks? Little squares? You put it on top of them?
This is important news, but I have a hack for you with the pancakes.
So I'm very much so into the syrup. I like my pancakes wet. Me too. Fucking wet. Yeah, that's why we're here. Like soaking wet. Yep. So here's something I don't know where I learned this. I must have seen it in a movie or something. But you get, you know, let's say you got a triple stack. Yeah. They're all on top of each other. You cut through them all like a pizza pie.
But the kind of pizza pie that's square slices.
So you cut, you know, three lines horizontally, three lines vertically. And then you kind of put the butter is already stacked. So like pancake butter, pancake butter, pancake butter. Then you do the cross mark like a pie and you fucking pour the syrup and it goes all the way down, soaks everything up. It gets into the part of the spongy, the spongy part, not the hard part.
and then spongy part into the spongy the spongy part that's the only part yes so a lot of people when i tell them that i like my pancakes wet they're they're grossed out what do they want dry dry pancakes no disgusting they like just aren't into like usually when i go to a restaurant and i get pancakes which is not a ton but it's you know enough um they bring out the syrup it's usually a little carafe i'm gonna need at least two more of those yeah of course
I like them wet, like really wet, like a wet burrito. I like it wet. I like wet fucking pancake.
Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. You're, you're, we're on the same page.
So have you always cooked or was it a child? I just had a kid. She's 14 months. Oh, congratulations. I haven't really cooked much because my wife doesn't trust me. She's like, will you make her an omelet? I'm like, sure. She's like, what are you going to put in it? I was like, nothing, just omelet, just egg. For me, just egg, maybe some mushrooms. And my wife makes her a really special omelet.
I'm like, I don't have time for a really special omelet. I only have time for an omelet that has mushroom and eggs in it. Is she so –
That's a pretty bad dentist. It seems like a pretty easy fix.
they only do this and he's like it's fine who gives a shit good yeah i'm gonna need you to go to your doctor because my my wife is very much so like this child needs to be really healthy and i agree with her i don't want my kid to be like disgusting i don't want my kid to be disgusting and and you're and you walk this line and this is the tricky thing it's like you walk this line where it's like
That's kind of how I was. My family didn't buy any of that, but I knew where to get it because my neighbors, they had the fridge in the garage filled with pop. Which is what we call soda. Of course, I get that, yeah. And just, like, Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew.
And I would literally walk over to their house, open their fucking garage door, open that fridge, get a Mountain Dew, walk to my house, sneak it in my basement, just chugging a Mountain Dew.
We need, we need you drinking water.
That's nice of them. That's really nice of them. All right. I want to get to the section called takes on takes. Take some takes.
Takes on takes. I'm going to read you some takes that have been done on the show. You're going to take my job for a moment and do 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay. Because those are the only two options. Okay. And, you know, that's it. So the first take is, this is Hasan Minhaj's take. It was restaurants have got to stop singing happy birthday to adults.
Here's the thing.
I mean, I don't really know where these restaurants are anymore. Well, that's what I'm thinking about, yeah. But I think that if they're – I think here's what I think. This is why I disagreed with him. I think if they come out and they sing happy birthday to you, you have no choice but to leave a big fat tip. which is good for them. Sure. They're small inconvenience.
And I also, in the comments, many people were like, I like doing it. I work at a restaurant and I enjoy this. And so I think if they're working at a restaurant, they're enjoying it. They're celebrating. I think we need more reason to celebrate stupid shit like a 55-year-old guy's birthday. Yes. And you leave a big fat tip at the end. Everybody's happy.
I think if the restaurant, obviously, if they don't want to do it, the workers, then...
I had recently something happen to me that I really didn't like, which is that I was out at a dinner. I think it was like five, six friends at an establishment where I'm a regular. I'm the connection. I get to the table. It's my spot. And I go there often. And a lot of the staff knows me. The maitre d' knows me. A lot of people know me there.
And I was with some friends that know that this is my spot and that I get treated well there because I've been there so many times. And one of the guys at my table, he told them that it was my birthday. Oh, I hate this. And they brought out the fucking dessert. And I was like, I was just like, come on. This is my like, this is not cool. Yeah, this is not Ben again. This is not fucking TJ Friday.
And that's my relationship. Now they think I'm a fucking liar. Now I have to go explain, hey, it was my friend. And then they're going to think that my friend is lame, which reduces my coolness. And then they take away maybe the privileges of me getting tables when I want to. It's a whole fucking thing. And I'm so upset.
There's rules. There's rules of engagement. And as adults, you know them. As a child, you don't know them. Yes. So it's just not fair to the people that are working the restaurant.
I'm like, I'm not in a club.
And then you're faced with a major dilemma. Well, actually, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. No, you're done. Literally. You're done. You can't go, hey, I just realized I ordered bottle service. I actually don't want bottle because they've already done the whole show.
I can't believe you accidentally did bottle service.
fear as that's coming toward because i see it and i'm like oh my god now when i saw it go to three other tables after us i was thrilled i was like good yeah yeah and i think that person is is upselling because i think that they are incentivized to sell bottles because it's 900 so like he probably made 200 bucks which is good i guess it's good for everyone good good for you
We need laws. We need laws. We need birthday rules. Next take, this is going to, you know, I'll just say it. This girl came on the show and she said, beating your kids isn't that bad. And she wasn't talking, though. She's not talking about.
A smack. And she also specified only from mom.
This is maybe too, maybe too close to the sun.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to get a bit of force, get a bit of foreskin stuck in there.
Yeah. There's a little, I I'm, I'm not planning on smacking my kid.
Good. And, but I do think that if, uh, Actually, I think I disagree. You have to disagree. Will I let my wife beat my kid?
I was going to say, oh yeah, I'd let Karina hit the kid. Not even hit. A little... No, I just think I wouldn't do it. So I think I've changed my mind. I don't know if I agree or disagree with that, but...
All right, all right.
It's probably bad. Yeah, it's bad. And the comments were like, you're dumb. But you know what?
Yeah. Okay, this one's good. This is from Ahmed Weinberg. Vegan food, if delivered, is no longer vegan.
No, I think the thing is, if vegan food is delivered, his argument was that a human being suffers in the making of the food, technically.
No, it's about the guy. Oh, wow, you're just the guy. Maybe in New York, it's very much about the guy. Because the guy is riding a bike... through a snowstorm with your sushi on his back, which is not vegan, so your vegan sushi on his back through a snowstorm, suffering, an animal suffering, so that you can have your vegan food, which is no longer vegan because an animal has suffered.
by the time that you get it.
Yeah.
These are very hard. Good bits. A lot of good bits.
Alright, 100% agree or 100% disagree. Jesus was not a Republican.
So I haven't seen, I've never seen that movie, but I vividly remember it being available in, uh, the video rental store, like my local neighborhood. And I saw it, the cover. I remember it. I've seen it so many times.
I never bought, I never rented it because I was, I think, you know, I maybe looked at the back and I was like, I have no idea what these people are talking about, but is that a great film?
Totally misguided people. Wait, so what's unspooled? Where can people find you?
beautiful stuff and then what are your personal instagram tiktok whatever just my name paul sheer just paul sheer always paul sheer well thanks so much dude for coming on the show i appreciate this a blast i'm glad we could reminisce about uh ketchups and hopefully we'll see each other again in pittsburgh uh and the ketchup factory i hope so i'm gonna i'm gonna email i hit them up today after i saw the remix machine i literally did i was like what's up guys
I'll do that, too. I might put you on CC, though. I love it. Please, I can't wait. What's the fucking deal? We just did another episode.
All right, man. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful night. You, too. And thanks for coming on. All right, bye.
And the whole time you're thinking this guy has a gap in his teeth like that through your mind the whole time. So what is the deal? He doesn't like to acknowledge that he has a gap.
Or Biff was fucking with you a little bit.
you were bald like we know you were bald like what are we doing here like if you're going to make a choice like that you have to embrace it do you think jeremy piven hit turkey istanbul with the boys like he was like group chat like the group chat well four dudes they go to turkey they fucking live it up you know entourage style yeah and just the fellas the fellas in turkey everyone's getting the plugs get them in that's what that's what i'm doing
I think you made the right choice. I think that you look great. Well, you're lovely to say it. That's all there is to it. That you just look great and natural and cool and you look badass and also, you know, you look great. I don't really have anything to say about it. I appreciate it.
Oh, it's cute. I mean, it's a really cute look. It is. I see less and less guys with it. I feel like that's of a certain generation. I think it is. I think now people, they either go, they're like, fuck it, I'll be bald. And then they get rid of that. Or they go, fuck it, I'm not going to be bald. And they add hair on top again. But there's not many guys that are like, you know what?
There's that funny meme about how George Costanza is like 30 or something. Yeah. And now 30-year-olds look like they're 17. They got baggy pants and a gold tooth. And George Costanza looks like he's 86.
There's an epidemic in New York City of men dressing not their age. 40-year-old men standing in line to buy the latest drop from KISS and chasing the trends, and they look fucking stupid. Here's my style philosophy. I've done the kind of classic... Let me be like a classic Ralph Lauren, Anthony Bourdain type of situation. Or is Seinfeldian in a way? It's normal. It looks cool.
My pants do not change. I've committed now to regular.
They're going to go skinny. They're already going skinny. I'm not going with them. They're going to go big again. I'm just going to stay... I'm going to be a regular fit for the rest of my life.
100%.
Wow.
Jeez.
Let's just do that.
Now, did you have a fun time when we were doing the shoot? Did you feel stressed at all? I mean, you guys had something which I really like, which is a damn bodyguard.
It made me feel safe because sometimes I'm like, I should probably at this point, I actually should have one.
I'm a nice guy.
Because no matter how much... Baby, I could never win.
I have a song about it. It's called Baby, I Could Never Win.
Yeah, you could never win. It's about New York? Eh, you know, it's about everything.
What was funny about that moment is that, so a guy, so we were doing, it was me, Abdullah, Sagar, and Asif, and we were doing our subway takes, and I think Sagar was second, and He was second. And then there was a guy who was filming us like a fan on the subway being like, oh, this is cool. It's subway takes. It's happening in front of me. So he's filming it with his phone.
And then this other guy did not like that that guy was filming us. And he went up to the guy that was filming us and slammed the phone out of his hand, stomped on it, and then exited the train car. And then the guy whose phone was stomped on looks at us and he goes, oh, I'm so sorry I pissed your bodyguard off. Did you catch that part? Yes.
It's OK. It's going to turn around, right? Or do we have to get off? Oh, sorry, ladies. OK. I'm so sorry. Thank you.
He deserved it.
You know, I knew when you were going to do the take, I knew that take. I wanted to put you in the best light. I really like you. We've known each other for 12, 15 years, whatever. Long time. You got the shows out. The show's great. Deli Boys. Thank you. And I remember you talking about it six, seven, eight years ago. And I was like, oh, that's a great concept.
And I was like, good luck in the way that like a good luck in Hollywood is a genuine like I'm like literally like I hope you fucking do it because it's so hard.
Wow, I made it boring real quick. No, I want to know how it feels to get that show out of your body. Actually, I want to know how it feels to get that phone call that they're going to do it because I chase that feeling all the time. I call it the college acceptance letter. Oh, yeah. I think when you're young, there are quite a few moments in your life where it's a definitive yes or no.
It's just like you're in the college that you want, and there's no concessions. And it's like you're in the college that you want, but... But you can't start until 2027 or whatever. It's just a yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like as an adult, the older you get, the more responsibility that you have, the more concessions there are to everything. There's never like a... You never get...
everything you want, essentially is what I'm trying to say. There's always a compromise, whether it's in your relationship, in your work, in your this, in your apartment. You can't get the house that you want. Of course not.
God, that's so long.
Yeah, yeah.
No, but that's fire. I mean, you've always known that, like, in the entertainment industry, especially, like, You can't really put your eggs in one basket because there is no fucking basket. There is no basket. You have to be carrying a bunch of eggs with no basket. Literally. You carry six eggs. Six eggs. One's a script. One's a podcast. One's a doc film.
That is too fucking real. And one by one, they fall out of your arm and break. Bro, this is exactly right. And then one egg makes it and hatches and then you have a fucking TV show.
What the hell is up, Abdullah?
That's so funny. But I mean, I think that is the way to try to cobble together some sort of career. I mean, unless you can eat shit sandwiches for like a decade where you're like, no, no, I need to make The Brutalist. Like, that's it. I don't want to make another movie. I need to make the Brutalist.
And, like, if you need to make the fucking Brutalist, then that means that you eat shit sandwiches for 10 years. And, like, even when the movie's made, you're like, I'm still poor because I made the Brutalist. Like, then that's, I mean, but that guy probably feels great. Like, he was probably like, yeah, my dream was, you know, they were like, you're going to make $0 from the movie.
I'm great. We were just discussing how it's a wonderful day in Manhattan. I'm posted up. The birds are out.
And he was like, that's what I wanted. I wanted to, I just wanted to make the Brutalist.
Yeah. Yeah. A much better metaphor. But you're a dude, man. I'm a dude, though. I'm a bro. I take big old bro shit.
We were in Minneapolis recently to play a show with my band Tiny Gun and also to screen the feature film for the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival. And it's funny, we were in an Uber and it ended up being an Egyptian guy. And you know how it goes. I'm sure you see a guy and they start talking to you and all of a sudden it's your fucking uncle, right? It's your dad or your uncle.
And so this guy, I've only known him for seven minutes. And he's like, what do you do? I'm like, oh, well, I'm in town for the band. And then we have a screening tomorrow. And then blah, blah, blah.
Well, here's what I do, uncle. And I tell him these things. And then he's like, oh, well, what do you do? What's your business? I start explaining. And the whole band's in the car, by the way. And eventually, in Arabic, he goes, you're doing too many things. You got to pick one thing. You can't be all these things. Wow.
and i just go all right man because i what i really wanted to say was shut the fuck up yeah like you don't you don't mind your own fucking business hey you're driving uber bro who the fuck are you but like but it's people don't understand that this is like it's not like the old days where it's like you're like a pharmacist unless you are a pharmacist but even now if you're a pharmacist you probably also are or are a dj
what no yeah ceo goldman sachs oh you know what somebody but in the way that like eric adams is a dj right it's no dude no no he gets no he gets booked like currently yeah david solomon known as known as dj diesel bro i fucking hate this guy already That's so annoying.
David Solomon, known as DJ Diesel, is an American investment banker and DJ who has been the CEO of Goldman Sachs since October 2018. What the hell?
That's such a weird thing. He's got to have a side hustle.
The side hustle is being the CEO.
Right.
What is investment banking, dude? People, I do not understand. It's gambling. I talk to people. Yeah, but does that mean that anyone could be an investment banker? I guess. I think so.
We just had probably seven days of shit. It was absolute shit. Rain. You know when it's not even raining? It's not even sprinkling. It's just wet.
Okay, so there were a lot of comments on the take, which I agreed with, by the way, because I have been... I've always been a sensitive guy. I'm a sensitive boy. But I remember that there were times in my life where I would wake up one day at school. And I've had a lot of emotions, not negative ones. I'm silly. I'm jolly. I'm open. I'm vulnerable. I'm okay.
I used to be friends with a lot of girls when I was in high school because I found that men were too masculine. And I was like... I'm not a pussy, but I don't need to bang my head against a wall or punch something or lift heavy weights. And there were times, though, where I would be like, okay, you know what? Enough with this. I need to become the strong, silent type. Hmm.
And I would go to school and I would last maybe three hours. I was like, I'm the mysterious guy now. Do you know how silly that is to be in middle school and be like, I'm done, dude. Girls don't like this. I'm going to become the mysterious guy now.
Did I say middle school? I meant 2019. I'm just kidding.
Oh, really?
So you were still cool. You were still cool.
Yeah, dude, the biological need to get bitches.
What the hell is up, y'all? It is Kareem Rahma back with another episode of Subway Takes the Damn podcast. Today I'm joined by Abdullah Saeed, writer and creator of the new show of Deli Boys, now streaming on Hulu. Abdullah came on the show a couple of weeks ago and brought a very intellectually stimulating hot take to the platform.
No, it's literally what every single one of those movies is about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. They're all about the one guy who's a pussy or needs to get laid. All the movies are about being a man, but the definition of man is awful. It's pretty much like a jock piece of shit misogynist. Yeah, exactly. It's no wonder that we're all brain-damaged young men.
i was in this stew of fucking bad vibes you know one thing that i didn't expect in the comments which which which i was like come on give us a little like give us a little break for once please please as some ladies they were like you know we've been saying this for years and we've been gaslit and silenced until a man says it and now we all agree And I was like, we're making progress, man.
We're trying. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah. Verbatim, women being silenced and gaslit for saying it for years until some men actually listen, say, or approve it.
And all I kept saying is, I just kept saying, why does it smell like worms? But the worm smell, the problem was the worm smell, dude, the worm smell was in my house. And it was also in a restaurant. I kept saying, it smells like worms.
The thing is, it is being mansplained. That is what's funny about it, is that we were mansplaining. Yeah, yeah, we were. We mansplained it.
But you know what? But you have to do an equation, which is that you had the opportunity to come on this platform and do good or to talk about farts. And I think we did the right thing. I think we did the right thing by talking about something that, you know what? I kind of wish we'd done the farts.
no no sometimes you gotta put the vegetables in in the candy you know and that's true and as a man you are the candy because you know unfortunately we live in a society where where where men are more perceived as more authoritative literally and so sometimes sometimes you you're like a sleeper cell you have to deliver a message
Well, that's because I'm pretty sure they just feel bad for us. Is that... Well, I'll take it. I'm serious. I think they're just like, they look at you, you've got a little pot belly. They're like, are you pathetic? A middle-aged man is now on his way to becoming like a baby again. They see your little pot belly. Yeah, that's true.
They see you kind of mosey on end, like you look like you've had an awful day most of the time. You know, because it's the mundane, it's the mundane midlife. Yeah, you have acid reflux. You probably used to be awesome. You used to skateboard. You used to fucking listen to punk. Now you're hanging out at home watering your plants and listening to Phoenix.
Now you're essentially almost trans. You have to take testosterone support. I'm on testosterone support. Well, I'm on the testosterone support and the blue shoes. At this point, it's all gender-affirming stuff where I'm like, I'm no longer a guy. I'm just like, I'm waning. I'm waning.
Pot-bellied blob. Pot-bellied guys. Right? Just walking around. It's so funny because this is – I always used to joke, and I still do, I guess, that, like – well, now less so, but, like – In probably my mid-20s, which were definitely my golden era. You saw me back then. I was pretty buff. Oh, yeah.
I was crushing it. I was wearing all black. I had chains and bracelets. I was sick, dude. I was really... I mean, I was...
At the time, it was working. I'll say that much. It's funny because everything, every decision I made in my entire life between the ages of 14 to like 33 was to attract women. Everything. I had no personality. My personality was whatever you want me to be. If you're a Republican and I'm on a date with you, then yes, I'm a libertarian. Fuck it. Oh, wow. You're a real nihilist.
Well, when I was a young man, I used to play with worms. I know exactly what they fucking smell like. Also, I'm I'm kind of I'm kind of mashed up. I mean, I don't mash them up. But when I was young, I mean, it was cool that you could literally cut one in half and then it would just be two worms.
I have the standard ideals, which are pretty much the Ten Commandments. If you're a murderer, I'm not going to murder with you. That's a low bar. The standard niceties of no racism, no homophobia, etc. But generally speaking, I was like, oh, let me buy this ring. Because girls love rings. Let me buy this motorcycle. I didn't even like riding a motorcycle. I used to have a motorcycle.
Dude, what people don't tell you about motorcycles is that it sucks to ride a motorcycle. You're literally in the middle of the street. Exhaust fumes in your face. People spitting on you. People pissing on the motorcycle if you're not using it. Every guy being like, what a loser on a motorcycle. And the worst part is girls don't like motorcycles.
I don't know when this was made up, this fictional kind of motorcycle guy thing. I remember one time I parked on Bedford Avenue on my motorcycle, and I fucking was wearing my cool leather jacket, had my helmet on the seat, and I just started eating an apple. And I was like, this looks cool. Like, I should stand next to my motorcycle.
The problem was no one looked at me at all. I was invisible. I may as well have been wearing an invisibility cloak. Wow. But I was trying so hard to attract women. Anyways, until now, you get a girl that likes you. You're married. I'm married. And that's when, essentially, you turn into a toddler. That's when you get the pot belly, the penis spanks. Yeah.
You kind of don't care what you look like anymore. No more shaving of the pubes. Yeah, I know, right?
I believe they call it letting yourself go.
Oh, that's cool. I think that's how they like it.
No, no, no, no. I was doing it like... It was for science. Yeah, it was just so cool that you make two worms.
Yeah, I mean, I've always been like a... I really haven't... At one point, my anger issues went away. They really did. And they did morph into more of a frustration or sadness, but they weren't like... They never materialized externally. I've always been like, I'll be let down or I'll be sad. But I grew out of the anger phase. I still get mad, but not as much. But...
When it came to the kid, I guess I'm probably even more soft now. I really am just a big old softie, but I've always kind of been a big old softie. That's great.
Yeah, of course. I mean, worms are disgusting. I haven't seen a worm in a long time. Like when's the last time you saw a worm?
i don't know i don't know how to explain it it's kind of just like uh i'm the same but i just now i'm like it is weird when i see the baby because i'm like oh you're literally my baby it's so weird you know um but i didn't have i don't think i had like a a grand i never had like a grand realization after she was born um And I think that's good. I honestly think that's good.
I think that that means, and I'm not trying to gloat or anything, but I feel like I did a lot of stuff to make me feel normal. And then when the baby came, I didn't need the baby because I noticed that sometimes men are like, oh, I'm a totally different guy. And I'm like, well, that means you were probably a piece of shit before you had a baby. It took a baby for you to become a good guy.
And I think that sometimes, yeah, it's like some of the books I tried reading. They were so – like before when the baby was gestating, they were like from dude to dad. Like put down the IPA and pick up blah, blah, blah.
And it was just like – I was like, oh, so I think a lot of guys are really dumb and like just not – they're not thinking about this in the right way. And the books that they're writing are already like – it's already kind of like it's infantilizing and it's toxic to be like, put down the beer and pick up the fucking slack.
I had to just raw dog it. I was just like, I'm going to go with my gut. So far, so good. A little bit of Reddit here and there, but mostly the gut. We have 10 minutes left, so I want to do this little segment of the show called Takes on Takes. So essentially, I want to get your take on other people's takes that have been on the show. But now you have to be me.
So you will see how difficult my job is. Because as you know, you can only 100% agree or 100% disagree. That's the only two options that there are.
Yeah, there are no other. I mean, it's really an allegory for the world we live in where people can't. Black and white. Yeah, there's no gray area. So I'll read the take and you tell me if you 100% agree, 100% disagree, and then we'll talk about it for a little bit. So this one came from Paris, France. You shouldn't sleep in sexy clothes.
That's why it's such a hard job. No, that's why it's such a hard job because I hear so many takes that are truly meaningless.
Great. Moving on. Therapists should not be hot.
I don't know if they have worms in California or not, but what you just said, a slug is kind of just like a landlord worm.
No, I 100% disagree. Oh, my goodness. Really? See, I disagree with you. I agree. They should not be hot.
Yes. Whoever said this? Because therapists should not be hot.
No, it's not. I think it is. No, no, people say hot is subjective, but there are people who are objectively hot. Sure. Okay, fine. But okay, check this out.
I can see that. I can see what you're saying because I think many people do fall in love with the therapist. It's a common problem.
We all have one. I think that there's many people fall in love with a therapist.
even the not hot ones yes but that's why they shouldn't be hot because it adds more motivation to to like for me it's like if i have especially a hot like like woman therapist personally you know i'm straight blah blah blah but if if i have a hot woman i'm gonna be i'm gonna try to impress her like i'm gonna be like oh like you know i made a lot of money this month
Yeah.
You got me right where you want me. You got me right where I want you. No, you got me right where you want me.
I still disagree with you. People who make you take your shoes off when you enter their home should not be allowed to entertain.
No, but that's a snail. Oh, a slug is a houseless, it's an unhoused snail.
I could be friends with the person that gave this thing. It's a posh British lady who is wearing some fat-ass, chunky-ass boots on the show.
Yeah, of course. And she was like, if you have a party... and you make me take my shoes off, I'm not coming to the party. And you should be banished from having parties in general. And I was like, you're disgusting.
When white people –
I went to a party the other day and everyone was wearing shoes except for the host.
In New York? Yes. Stepped on their toes? No, I joined the host because I'm a good guest. That's actually very decent of you. I was like, I'll join you in not wearing shoes in your home where obviously you gave people the option and the option that they chose was to wear their fucking shoes in your house and now you're the last man.
And this guy was white and he's a white host wearing no shoes at the crib and everyone else was wearing shoes.
He's a good man. He's a good man. All right. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
It's unhoused. It's not negative. It just is the way it is. It just is the way it is. And the hierarchy of capitalism within insects, the snail is the landlord, the slug is the unhoused, and a worm is just literally a mole human living underground in a train station.
Remember that girl that, like, tweeted something insane, and then she, like, went on an airplane, and then when she landed, she had lost her job?
Yeah, no, it was something really bad. It was something really bad. She said something about AIDS in Africa. I think she was like on her way to Africa. Oh, yeah. She was on her way to South Africa. And then she tweeted out. What did she tweet out? Oh, my God. She was on her way to South Africa. And she tweeted out going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white.
And then by the time she landed, she was fired. Good. All right. People who wear white sneakers do not fuck.
That means you definitely don't fuck.
I swear. Someone who gets laid would not be so persuasive. Trust me, dude.
Listen to me. Dude, I just had sex yesterday, dude. I had sex today. I had it this morning, dude. I swear.
Now I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Now I believe you. Great. Okay.
All right, dude, I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Uh, all right. That, that, that, that is all, uh, that is all from Abdullah Saeed. Saeed says you, I would do this for another hour. I'm sorry. I got to cut you off, Tim. I got to cut you off. You've had one too many takes. It's true. You've had one too many takes. This is what it does to you. Abdullah, where can people find you?
This is a call to action, people. Watch the fucking show. I watched it. It's fantastic. It's funny. It's great. It's campy in this weird way. And most importantly, it's entertaining, which is what matters. Thank you. Thank you. That is it. That is it. I'm not even going to mention the fact that it's brown people.
Because I probably have a lot of white listeners. You know, again, I got to sneak the veggies in the candy. Yeah. So I don't want them to know that it's a show filled with brown people because then they're going to think it's like a... It's a lecture. They're going to think it's like a lesson. They're going to think it's for browns, but it's for everyone. It's for everyone.
Anyways, guys, watch the show. I'm actually serious. It's fucking hilarious. And they're acting stellar. They're acting stellar. And I'm so glad it exists.
thanks kareem all right now i'm gonna put you and now i have to put you in season two well i sent you i literally sent you a text and said put me in season two fuck yeah well dude now and now it's on the record man let me make sure you did you get the text i got the text i have the text now and i will send you this snippet what yeah yeah yeah send me this snippet bro if i'm not in it i'm sending this snippet
No, don't. Like an octopus? No, don't put them in the fucking oyster category. Worm. Yeah, why not?
All right, now I have to do it.
This is me doing that. This is literally my... Your Subway take has 2.5 million views. Sager and Asif probably have at least a million each. So I've contributed almost 4 million views to the promotion. That's true. And this is a record of it. And then this podcast. I mean, if I'm not an executive producer on season two, I'm probably going to.
put me up there next to jenny right next to jenny executive produced by jenny connor done done okay great this is a verbal contract yeah you heard it here first people you can take the rest of the day off i feel like you've done enough business for today you don't you don't understand dude i love deals i got it i i I have I'm not taking the rest of the day off. I have more deals to make.
I love deals. I literally love deals. This is the one thing about Donald Trump. Now I'm going to lose everyone now. But like, here's the thing. I did find it very funny one time that in an old interview with Trump, like in the 80s or something, he was like, some people play sports. Some people listen to music. I do deals. And I was like, oh, this motherfucker thinks of it as like a hobby.
Like this is what he does for fun.
I indulge in the oyster category all the time. Yeah, but worms are not in the oyster category. I don't think. Yeah, I guess so. In Thailand, they ate worms.
Now you're insulting me. Everyone knows I famously love making deals. Yeah? This was your thing before the Trump clip surfaced? I do like deals. I will say I do like deals. I think they're fun. This took a turn right at the end. Cut this part out. We were ending it on a high note when I became the creator of Deli Boys. And then you supported Trump. I didn't support Trump. I supported his deal.
Well, I support Trump very strongly. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. All right. Yeah, no, no. Me too, man. Me too. Me too. If this guarantees that I'm in season three, then yes. I love him as well.
Hashtag signing off. Thank you, everyone, for listening.
Worms have eyes. Oh, I didn't know that. Worms have eyes. Worms have eyes. Well, enough about worms. I'm sorry to the audience. Enough about worms. Let's talk about your take. Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender.
One that is very popular, which is that men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender. So what's your take?
It's also, it's also just like, It's just you're such a smart guy that I was like, don't be dumb. Don't be dumb. Don't come on my show. Don't come on the show and be dumb, dude. That's a lot of the advice that I give to people when they come on the show. I have a lot of smart people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something smart.
But then I have a lot of dumb people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something dumb.
And then every once in a while, every once in a while, somebody serious will come on and they'll want to do something serious. I'm like, no, you should do something funny because I know that you're funny, but you're so serious. But I'm glad you did that one, the farting one. I mean, it has been done. It was done maybe episode 60 or 70.
Yeah, this guy, John Ryan, that I know. He's a friend of mine. Shout out, John Ryan. Same wavelength, bro. Maybe we should play that take.
So what's your take? I think we should normalize farting really loud in public whenever you need to. 100% agree. If anything, it just gets a laugh from the people around you, and people love laughing. Like, it just makes you feel good. Well, everybody farts, but we act like they don't. Yeah, it's like we can sneeze, we can yawn, we can like... Burp?
Burping is probably grosser than farting, actually. A burp is like a fart out of your mouth. Well, there's no filter. There's no pants. You don't have any mouth pants. Well, you have ass pants. You do! And so you can fart. It just kind of stays in there, and then you get to wash your underwear later. It's a filtered fart. It's a filtered fart, yeah.
100% agree, yeah.
Here's what I like about it.
Everyone's holding in a fart. On this train, I bet 40 people have to fart. Just let it go. 20% of the time, they smell bad. 80% of the time, farts are silent. Or even they do smell bad, but you're like, whatever, it's New York City. You like them loud, though. When they're louder, they feel better. That's just true.
But no, I've been doing this, I've been campaigning for this, and my way of doing it is I just fart whenever I need to. No, no you don't. When you fart in public, people are like, oh this guy doesn't give a . Like, we're not gonna with him. So you actually do this? Oh, just all the time. Yeah, CVS, Chipotle, those are the main two places. Has anyone ever shamed you for doing this? Um, uh, no.
No, no, no. Not really. I mean, babies fart. Babies fart? Everybody. My dog farts. It's like when you're a baby, you have permission to fart. When you're old, you have permission to fart. But in the middle, you can't fart. Wow, that's great. That's genius. That's really good. Yeah. I just want middle-aged farting. I'm in. Yeah. Let's do it.
Yeah, so John Ryan said we got to just make it more socially acceptable, which I think I agree with that.
Like, you know, like a fart catcher, like a little bag that you just put your farts in. Right? I kind of fuck with that.
I think the thing with farts is that we all know that they happen, but they're impolite. They're not nice.
They're impolite. They're not nice. Do we want them to be nice? I don't think we need them to be nice. No. We need them to be neutral. Yeah, they should fart in secret. I know people that go to the bathroom to fart. I kind of fuck with that. I think that's cool.
No, no, we don't. We punch walls, punch doors, punch each other. Yeah, when we're sad or angry and we're like, ah! As a man, what is the worst emotion that you feel?
Oh, okay. So, yeah, it's a mind meld.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. You're crying right now. You're literally, you're so moved that you're bawling. To be called a great host of short-form, unscripted, vertical video content? Oh, I mean... That is a compliment. Hey, that was the peak of my career too. To be one of the best short form unscripted vertical video producers and hosts in the world.
But you weren't vertical. You were a horizontal gang.
I believe so.
You don't got to tell me about black families.
I watched a documentary called Nutty Professor.
They're good. I mean, they're funny. I mean, the thing is, like, Egyptians are very funny. Egyptians are jokesters of the Middle East, in my opinion. Like, if you go to Egypt, you're going to get a lot of playful conversations, and I think that's where, you know, that's where my gift of gab comes from, is, like, I just like having a good time, and I think it's fun.
Like, my ideal situation on any given night is to be at a dinner table with four people, arguing or disagreeing or just making jokes about it. But the thing about Egyptian Americans is that as a child of Egyptians, you think your family is funny.
for the ridiculous views yeah because they're stuck in a world and you're in between two worlds so it ends up just being jokes based on that you know like like what did my mom do oh yeah i told my mom that i wanted to kit name like if it was a boy i wanted to name my kid rafi r-a-f-i which is an arabic name um And she's like, oh, you mean Rafi? And I'm like, mom, no, I mean Rafi.
She's like, what's Rafi? What's Rafi? And I was like, R-A-F-I, it means the highest or whatever. She's like, yes, that's Rafi. And I kept saying, mom, no one's going to call him Rafi. Or like my dad. My dad, when he put my name on my birth certificate. So proudly, he chose the black American spelling of Kareem, which is K-A-R-E-E-M. Most Arab people are K-A-R-I-M. Yeah, yeah.
Like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem Black, Kareem Campbell. All those people are two E's. It's the black American way to spell it. And then the Arabs or the Middle Easterners, they are K-A-R-I-M. So he gave me the black version, which was not by choice. But on the birth certificate, he actually did K-R-E-M. Oh, okay. Which is not a name at all. Karem? No, just Krem. Krem? Like literally not a name.
And I was like, why'd you do that? And he was like, it's easier to spell. And I was like, but dude, it's a different fucking, it's a different word. It's not even a name.
It's just a sound.
What was that?
Oh my God, that's so funny.
That's what happened. And then she, what's Orpah? That's not a name, is it?
That's kind of a fire name. It's kind of a fire name.
When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe the excuse, oh, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help. I think we've all been there. Booking a doctor appointment can feel so daunting, but thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find a doctor and book a doctor who's right for you.
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more.
You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical need you may have, and are highly rated by verified patients. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit.
Appointments made through ZocDoc also happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments. I use this and you should too. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes.
I want to get some of your opinions on some of the comments, which I think a big hit was when I said, where am I going? We've kind of covered it already. But where am I going? My brother. And then laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
Yes, Jay Jordan. Shout out Jay Jordan. Top comment.
And I mean, that is a, I mean, look, North Africans, like I had an agent once tell me to audition for a black role.
And I go, I'm not African-American.
Like, I'm not comfortable auditioning for this role because it says black specifically.
Not North African. And she goes, yeah, but you're North African-American.
North African-American. That was so fire when she said that.
No, no, no. It's just because, like, African American implies that you are a descendant of slaves. I thought, right? That's what I thought. Like, that's what the difference between, like, an African guy from Senegal or, like, Kenya who moves to America. Yeah. Those people are Kenyan Americans or... you know, an African person living in America.
But from my knowledge and understanding, African American means that you are, you know, you were brought here, your family was brought here against their will, you know, a long time ago, and that you are a descendant of that kind of slavery or something.
I don't know if that's a sure thing, but that's what I thought, or I like maybe read that once or something.
No.
No.
A white cousin?
So how are they related? Like they're like rapers?
Oh, my fucking God.
That is crazy.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I have lighter ones too. And that's obviously probably through colonialism and because the British and the Australians were both in Egypt at some point and other, I mean, there were a lot of people in Egypt at some point. So that's probably where it comes from. Actually, I know that's where it comes from.
So that's that entire portion. Yes, segregation is dope.
Well, how about this, though? What if, like, white people want to pass? Like, are we letting, like, Chet Hanks in?
Oh, for us.
Are we letting any white people in at all? Lady Gaga?
In the multicultural Wakanda.
you have to pay a very large fee and then you could come the visa stands for 24 hours i like the fee because the fees the fee or i think you have to pay for the visa like egypt does this thing where you buy a visa literally in the airport at the bank yeah you don't have to do anything for it you just have to pay it's a tax to enter the country it's 30 they're like it's 30 to enter for everyone
And it's not a real visa. I mean, it's a sticker that they put on your passport, but you don't have to apply for it in advance. It doesn't do anything. It's just a tax. It's just a tax to enter our country. So let's get the passport going.
Oh, they were like, you can't come.
They're fed up.
That place would have the, that would be the, I wonder if there's any place like that, like right now that exists. Maybe not that says implicitly like no whites allowed.
Maybe, I don't know, probably some parts of Brooklyn.
And, okay, so I think that a lot of people, you know, the Italians, the Italians want to be reconsidered. I know that the Italians want to be, they want to be black.
So you think that they became white after the Godfather?
You're like, it's not enough. Food's not spicy enough. It's not enough.
That's true. The colored community is filled with noodles.
I want to get some of your takes on takes. So this brings me to the next point, which is that this is a very, I don't know if it's a similar take, but I think it's in the same zone. But Kamau Bell came out with that every American should have to live for at least two weeks a year in the South.
Which I thought was a very funny take. Again, I 100% disagreed with that. But I've never really been to the South. I've like driven through the South, but I've been to like, I've been to the white South. I've been to New Orleans and I've been to Savannah. That's what I call the white South. Pretty white.
And we're back. Joyelle, what the hell's going on?
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you so much, New Orleans, for giving us a day of rest.
Mm-hmm.
You're saying New Jersey, which is the south of the East Coast.
And do you think that would work?
I don't know, man. I think some people just would not work. I think someone like an Elon Musk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do a good Elon impression. He's like, oh, yes. He doesn't really say words.
But what's crazy is he had a good reputation. He had a good and a bad reputation. But people were like, look, he's cool. He's saving the world. He's going to go to Mars. He's going to make these electric cars. White people. But no. I think for a while, everyone was like, oh, this guy's like Iron Man. He's so cool. No? You think black people were always?
Well, sometimes they make it too hot. The Asians make it too hot.
No, I don't think he's brilliant.
There was a point where he was maybe cool. A little bit. You might not believe this, but I think that there was a general consensus that Of some parts of the population that were like, maybe tech bros, maybe people, I don't know. Okay, I admit, I fell for it. That's why I'm saying this. Because I was like, oh, he's kind of tight. Like, oh, Tesla's so cool, blah, blah, blah.
Like, he's such a badass. And then the minute this motherfucker started tweeting and opening his mouth, he just lost it.
How many are there? There's like 15 or something.
He's getting so ugly. Like physically. He's physically uglier.
Well, I sometimes go to a Thai restaurant and they're like, do you want it spicy? And I'm like, I'll take it white spicy.
Oh man, money really can't buy swag.
But he wants love. He does want love. They both want love. They're desperate for love.
Everybody is obsessed with omakase right now.
What's the spot you're going to?
Karami, I'm going to write that down. Here's the thing. I've never had omakase.
Like because they're they're regular spicy. Like you pretty much have to say no spice.
And omakase is where you sit down and they just feed you, right? Yes. And you get full?
I famously love eating with chopsticks. I eat fucking Chipotle with chopsticks.
No, no. I eat almost like I eat so many meals with chopsticks. I just think it's better. I eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. At the crib, I eat with chopsticks. The thing I don't, I should start eating like spaghetti with chopsticks. I guess I don't eat spaghetti enough.
Omakase.
Now I'm a little hungry. All right. The next one is if you want a date in New York, you need to be in therapy.
But medium. What is that? That's like that's like white plus.
Oh, yeah, I know that.
absolutely and stand-up comedy is not attractive in a heterosexual female body so wait what do you mean by that it emasculates men ah because all men wish they were stand-up comedians right that's another take right that's so true yes absolutely i think it would be very hard if i was a woman to date uh or no if i wait no if i was still who i am i think it would be hard to date a comic
That's nice. Yeah. Do you really need therapy to chill out and be nice to the person that you love?
Right.
Yes. That's why, for me, I went to therapy. Yes. And then once I realized that, I said, all right, I'm good now.
What do you mean LOL?
No, I think I went for like eight years.
And then I was like, I think I got to a point, honestly, like I felt healed. Like I really genuinely felt healed. And I got to a point where I was like, I think I got it. Like, I think I actually have figured like this has helped to the point where I realize why I am the way I am. And I'm able to observe my actions and my feelings and my reactions.
Yo, what the hell? I don't want to swear. What the fell? What the frick is up? Subway takes the podcast. What's good? What's popping? What's happening? I'm your host, Kareem Rahma. And today I am joined by Joyelle Nicole Johnson. You've seen her on The Tonight Show. You've seen her on Late Night with Seth Meyers. You've seen her on Comedy Central.
And then I was like, I think I'm going to take a break from the therapy and just try to like live my life without it. But knowing that all of these things and it worked and I haven't been back in like three years, but I also haven't had any mental breakdowns.
And I raw dogged. I raw dogged the pregnancy. I raw dogged the birth. I raw dogged the first year of a child.
I think people should put a limit on it, though. Otherwise you get addicted. You become an addict. Maybe it becomes a crutch.
You're trying to be a contrarian? I'm trying to be a contrarian.
It's not working.
All of my beliefs are very, very, very loosely held.
I can be convinced. And I also like really don't care that much.
So I genuinely just want everyone to be happy.
Then, then yeah, that's, then keep doing it.
Yeah.
They don't advise that though. They try to make you come in twice a month, twice a week.
That's fire. So you got a celebrity couples therapist?
Does he have tariffs on it?
He put tariffs on it.
Me too.
I wanted to give him... So I was doing my own self-defense, maybe. Is that the word? Where I was just like, you know what? I'm not going to be so upset. I'm just going to let him cook a little bit and see. I'm not going to get all worked up. I'm not going to get all riled up. I'm just going to kind of like...
I think a lot of people did move.
Oh, you're really thinking about it, too?
Absolutely.
You're like, fuck all this shit.
Staying and fighting? No, no, no, no, no, no.
That is so funny.
That is so funny. Well, I don't even, like, I'm no draft dodger. Mm-hmm. But even if I stay, I'm not fighting.
Men just need water. It's a man's take.
I got flat feet. I got flat feet.
Yeah, you can't let me in. I'll fail.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time. Therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury.
With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress. Your mental health is worth it, and now it's within reach. Look, I'm a believer. I've done therapy and it has helped me tremendously. I feel like, honestly, my life would be a lot worse without it.
It's honestly helped me untangle my life and figure out what to do and when to do it, really. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. plus switch therapists at any time.
Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. If I was in the army, I'd definitely want to be one of those guys that's just on the computer. I would want to run social media for the army.
Yeah, I'll be part of the propaganda machine sitting in the bomb squad being like, so what's your take?
Well, I belong to the streets, so it's fine. You're just out here. I've been belonging to the streets my whole life.
Literally in the trenches, there's a gunfire happening. Hey, so what's your take? Oh, man, I think this is awesome.
Oh, probably shouldn't have gone to war.
Person just dies in front of me. You're like, uh-oh. Or like the guy that's like, here's my day in the life of a U.S. soldier.
I want to be the head of social media for the Army.
I think so too.
That'd be a sick army. Got all sorts of like fighting styles.
Fucking.
What's the Thai one? Muay Thai?
You got Muay Thai. We have MMA.
Karate. Oh, yeah. Tai Chi. I don't know if that's for fighting, but it's. Judo, no? Judo. Boxing. Yeah. All of the fighting styles.
That'd be a fire army.
I belong to the tunnels.
Oh, segregation within the segregation.
Oh, so everyone lives in their own zone.
The subway tunnels. Don't get any silly ideas, people. Don't be deporting me. I'm not in the Hamas tunnels. You know, I'm just saying. They got tunnels.
Zone one, zone two, zone three. And then there's like the mixing zone.
Have you ever been to Japan?
So Japan has a very homogenous society. And it is pretty blissful because everyone's on the same page. Everyone's like, I know the rules. We understand the rules. We understand the whole thing. Everyone does the same kind of things. It's just very simple to understand, and they don't accept citizens really from anywhere, even the U.S.
It's really hard to become a Japanese citizen even from the U.S., and... It's pretty nice, but you miss the chaos of a New York City where everyone is bringing their own swag to the game, to the party. But that is both the beauty and the detrimental aspect to having a culture that is filled with people from other cultures, is that there is no monoculture.
Like, you walk outside and you see a guy in, like, a cafea and another guy, like, wearing, like, some other shit. And then, like, I'm in Chinatown right now, and it's very much Chinatown. But if I walk two blocks, I'm in Little Italy, which is not really Little Italy. Little Italy is not really, you know, just a tourist destination. But, yeah, it's, like, it's enjoyable on a vacation, but...
But I don't know if I'd ever want to live in a place where everyone's exactly the same.
Against.
But only in Brooklyn. They have tunnels in Brooklyn, but we have them in occupied lands. Well, that's actually a great segue to the take, which is bring back segregation. Bring it back. And I 100% disagreed, but you made some really good points, and I changed my mind when you said I belong in the...
And invasion. There's an invasion in Brooklyn.
It is fully invaded.
Well, that is a white, white people just take over. yeah they really come in and they take over and then they homogenize and make everything boring as fuck and actually i really like white people i have a lot of white friends so shout out to my white friends but you do be making shit really boring like the coffee shop man coffee shop used to be fire
yeah like it literally used to be a place to hang out even even in like friends they were white but that was a different kind of new york i guess but now it's just like oh let me make it a blank street coffee blank street literally meaning it's blank there's not even chairs they're very honest with their um things sometimes but i just want because you know they'll come into our neighborhoods and they'll be like you're being too loud and it's like
Yeah.
I think they prioritize comfort and convenience over everything. That's what it is. And the comfort in the sense that it's like a selfish comfort. Not even like I feel a part of my community comfort, but it's like it's too loud. It's too loud here kind of comfort. It's like a selfish comfort where it's like you're too loud. I want peace and quiet. You're too loud.
And then the convenience element is like I need a coffee. I don't want chairs. I don't even want a human being. I want a fucking machine to do the work for me. You know what I mean? I feel like that is part of the big problem is convenience and comfort. And that is why Uber exists. That is why Seamless exists or the food delivery apps. That's why the hip dentist or the hip doctor exists.
It's all about convenience and comfort. And when you do convenience and comfort, you strip out... You strip out the flavor.
I feel like white people always have beef with their families. Yeah, there's never there's never it's always I hate my mom. I hate my dad or I don't get along with my mom or I don't get along with my dad or I don't speak to my cousins or I don't speak to my aunts. There's always beef. There's always some sort of beef.
Yeah, I understand the micro beefs, but but like the beefs of like, I don't talk to that person.
And that starts by, I think, Mom, leave me the fuck alone, you bitch.
Imagine calling your mom a bitch. My mom would fucking shove my head in the washing machine and probably turn it on. She would waterboard me. My mom would waterboard me.
I think we should get rid of the word people of color to represent kind of this whole group of people, whether I'm in it, you're in it, Asians, Mexicans, whatever. And we should just start calling white people people of no color.
So then we just become people.
Yeah. No, seriously. We're the global majority.
People of no color.
I genuinely think that this could be a movement. People of no color, people of no culture, people of no... Because the beauty of me... I'm just going to flex on myself right now, but the beauty of me going to Spain is everyone thinks I'm a Spaniard. The beauty of me going to Puerto Rico is everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican.
The beauty of me going to Egypt or Morocco or Sudan, people... I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe in some of the Asian countries I do, but I could probably pass for Pakistan or India and I could cruise around there. Um... But it's a beautiful thing to be like, oh, I'm a man of the world.
Whereas maybe a white person is very limited or a person of no color is limited in a world where most people are colorful.
You have enough. You could easily go to Egypt or Morocco. They might think that you have more African in you than a Moroccan person. But I think you can cruise around a little bit more. You can go to Dominican. They'll accept you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get very tan in the summer.
Yeah.
You'll be the first person to see it.
Omakase in the summertime. That sounds like a Harry Styles song.
Omakase for one. He's good.
I like Harry Styles.
I think he has a song called Sushi in a Restaurant or something. Oh, yeah. We can play his music. His music's up. It's fun.
We can play his music in the restaurant.
Okay, turn it on on your way to couples therapy.
See what happens.
Okay, the last take on takes I want to get is... And I should mention, you should 100% agree or 100% disagree to this. Oh! I just started. This is only the second episode, so... Becoming hot has become too accessible.
Yeah.
No, but yeah, I guess it's easy to be skinny now.
You don't eat.
It's an extremely rare case where I get my mind changed. I think you're right. Like, it's happened maybe five times because I only have one option to say 100% agree, 100% disagree. That one I obviously, without knowing what you were going to say, was like, I'm not dying on this. This is not where I'm going to – this is not where Kareem Rahma, like, ends. RIP. Bring back segregation. 100% agree.
But being skinny is hard if you're doing it naturally without the stick, that stick.
Yeah, that's the only way to get skinny.
If you don't have that body type in the first place. But I was actually thinking, because I'm a thick boy, I have a hard time buying a good fitting shirt or something that fits well, that's not too tight or too loose. I was thinking I would prefer this than to be one of those guys that cannot, like, that is so, like, they can't gain weight. You know those guys? Yes.
They're just, they're, like, so thin. Yeah. And they cannot gain weight or put on muscle.
And I would rather be a big boy than be a twig.
Shout out your mother.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I auditioned for that. I didn't get the part.
No, no, no, no, no. I think I was a cool roommate. I've never seen the show, but from what I understood in the sides, it was like the cool friend.
I think that was the black role. I think that's the one where I was like, I don't want to audition for this.
Yeah, it was a black role in a black show. And I was like, I don't want to audition for this. And my agent was like, you're North African American. I was like, well, you got a point. Let's try.
Okay, great. This is great news. That just opened up a world of opportunity.
No, because you have to stand by what you said.
I have Afro hair, which I didn't learn how to take care of until I was 34. And I'm 38, so four years ago. And, you know, I think that one is a shoo-in. If you have hair like my kind of hair, you are automatically, even if you're white or Jewish, let's put you in the colored section. If you have any sort of nap to it. Yes.
Right, two instead of three.
Did you watch White Lotus?
And you saw that? I mean, they literally did that in the show.
No, me too. I think there's something about watching white people suffer. Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich white people suffer. That is so, it's just great.
It's so fun to peek in.
Do you think that they sometimes see themselves in the characters and go, fuck I'm that girl. I hate myself.
Yes, let's do it.
Yeah, he's hilarious. He's hilarious in the role because he grew up like that. I mean, if that's true, that makes a lot of sense. Because I was like, he's weird on screen. Like, he's not good on screen.
no but he's he's hating himself yeah yeah like i hated it despisable yeah no it was uh perfect casting parker posey being the whitest woman of all time that accent though i don't know if i i agree with that accent what do you mean don't agree with it i felt like it wasn't southern it was just kind of like a speech impediment like i was like this is not convincing me
She took a little bit of time to get used to. I loved it. But once I got used to it, I thought it was funny.
It was very obvious that they were like, we need an iconic, like... White woman. Rich white woman.
Yeah. And you watched the finale last night?
I think so.
He landed the plane. I landed the plane. White Lotus landed the plane. You know, they did not have me in the first half. I was like, this show has lost its touch. We're cooked.
But then as soon as that snake episode hit... I was like, all right, some sinister shit's about to go down. But tragic ending, in my opinion, to the show.
The two.
They got red. Well, I don't want to spoil it, but they did make it out like bandits.
It is messy.
Well, thank you very much for joining us to discuss your take again. Joyelle Nicole Johnson, where can people find you?
But what's crazy is you had a lot of support. I mean, I thought that the racists and the haters and just like kind of the people that don't get humor were just going to be in the comments being like, you know, send her to the fucking gulag or whatever. But it was supportive. It was mostly people like people got the joke and they also understood the
Union Hall.
Is that a different place?
It's Union Hall.
It's a hole in the wall.
Well, thank you so much for joining us. It has been a blast.
Thank you.
the undertone of what you were saying, which is this kind of black excellence, kind of we got the best stuff. I'm saying we because I'm in the club based on what you told me.
I want to be in it. I want to be in it. Put me in the club. With the hair and the name, I belong in the club.
And you can stream her special Lovejoy on Peacock today. She came through with an unbelievably spicy take. And I'm not talking white spicy. I'm talking black spicy. Level 10 Thai spicy. Like hurt your mouth, burn your mouth spicy. Which is bring back segregation. Play the take.
Oh my God. We didn't even get into schools in that episode.
Well, you know, there's only enough room for a couple of spicy soundbites.
So you grew up where?
You grew up in Union, New Jersey.
You're ready to undo it.
At the same time that I'm learning about all of the trauma that has happened to my, what is it, bloodline or my race, whatever. I don't know what the word is at the same time. But when you frame it that way, it sounds so jarring. But actually, I feel like it would actually set Black people up for an incredible kind of second chapter of their life. Like all of a sudden...
Maybe you go to college at Howard University, which Ta-Nehisi Coates has said is literally a utopia. It's where his entire worldview was shaped. And he's obviously an incredibly brilliant writer and thinker and intellectual. And I think that there is something to be said, even if there is...
If you're not going to segregate the schools, that there is a program or something that is like African American Studies and it's in elementary school and it's setting you... Like, maybe it's just a sidetrack that is like, here's what happened and here's what you need to know about growing up Black in America.
Right, right, right. I mean, but all the bullying is kind of racist. Like I was bullied because of my stinky lunch, which is what happens to pretty much –
most foreigners you know their parents and i was like no i want to eat the fucking pizza rolls mom and she's making me like a home-cooked like rice and like grape leaves stuffed grape leaves and and i don't want to bring it because it stinks up the locker and then people are making fun of me for having a stinky locker and i want to eat fucking pizza rolls with chad or just like a pretzel with cheese and my mom's my mom's just like she's just she's like i have failed by moving to this country
Let's jerk each other off and race horses or play polo or whatever the rich do.
So you think that Black History Month is not enough? Oh, absolutely not. I'm making a joke. The month?
I think it should be a day. Yeah. Black History Day, you know, moving on.
Moving on.
Well, and at this point, Black History Month is literally like, hey, Sprite is on sale. Or like, here's a new ad for Nike featuring some black people.
Just a little bit. I think that reparations is actually possible. I do think it's possible.
I know. That's what I'm saying. It's possible.
Throw black people a couple of casinos.
Imagine if they were like, if that was the deal, those just like we're just doing casinos like they did with Native Americans. There's like, let's give you some. Imagine the black casino.
Or Black Vegas. I mean that. Black Vegas is, that's Wakanda. That's Wakanda 2.
Um, let's just say I dabble in it.
Let's just say that it's not a habit.
But if there is a casino or a bet to be made, I'm taking the bet.
I'm taking the bet.
The segregation is to get the.
but like going to and putting money down on a thing that terrifies me you know it's funny too because even in comedy I feel like black people are better at comedy than white people I know this is very this is a take
OK.
And I'm probably going to get in trouble for this. But I think most people would agree. I think if you're honest with yourself, black people, let's not let's take it out of comedy. Black people are funnier. And they're more fun to be around.
I've seen the nutty professor. I've seen it.
I mean, the biggest issue is you got to cut an even number because I don't think I think people just like even numbers like 50. Like it was 48 and then they added two to make it 50. If it was 49, that would seem off, wouldn't it? Yeah. You got to get an even number in it. I know zero.
Yeah.
Right, four. Yeah, I guess that adolescent show that came out with that. That was four.
If you don't know the capital, it's probably not worth keeping.
If you ask Americans, that's like half the country would go. They wouldn't know the capital.
That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. That's acknowledging a complexity of identity, which I would not keep. But that's nice that you feel... There's two separate entities that we combine into one, and I am just Dakota. It's almost like a land acknowledgment.
It's the same logic. It's like we're not giving the land back, but we will acknowledge publicly that it is stolen. We're not going to change the Dakota situation, but we'll acknowledge there was two at one point.
Oh.
Plus, I feel there's redundancy. It just doesn't make sense. As a person that believes in some kind of logic, like, why do you got an East and a West when you... You can just put them together. And North and South Dakota doesn't make... Rhode Island never made sense to me. It's so small. So you're telling me that and Wyoming are both states, that and California are both states? Right.
Vermont, New Hampshire, one state. I don't know why they're two states. It's one piece of land. We're not in a Hispaniola situation. Okay, one state. Washington and Oregon, one state. Okay, one state. Okay, this gets a little tricky now. We sell Alaska to Canada. in exchange for British Columbia, which expands the Northwest, right? And then we get a little bit of Ontario that has Toronto in it.
It doesn't make any sense. And then the lack of population. You're telling me you get two senators and New York gets two senators, really? Wyoming and New York are on equal footing? Why?
Diversity of what?
That's very funny.
It's more organic how those states came to be, as opposed to like, this is a parcel of land and we're... Is that what happened in the East? I think that's more of what happened in the middle of the country and on the West Coast. You're like shaping things based on natural like land masses and rivers as well as like there are states that are fairly square like.
Maybe I don't know enough about Rhode Island. It just does not feel distinct enough. It feels like, is it that different than Massachusetts and Connecticut? No. No, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Jersey's not really the same guys as some of those other states. Jersey has more personality, doesn't it? I guess because of its proximity to New York. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's right. That was mentioned, too. New York and New Jersey being one state. I don't know how I feel about that.
Yeah, it looks more amoeba-like.
So we're conquering all of a sudden? We're not conquering, we're trading. It's Drake for oil. Now we're up to 41 states. We still got one more to go. Which one? We let Hawaii choose whether it wants to be independent or not.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Yet there's no Carolina, South Carolina. It's just that. Then we're making a distinction.
Well, it should be West of Virginia. The state should be called West of Virginia.
Based on the name?
Different barbecue cultures.
Who cares, though?
A little bit, right?
It just doesn't make any sense. Like, Vermont and New Hampshire, there was a lot of pushback. Like, no, they're not the same thing. And I'm like, get out of here. Like, I get it. Like, New Hampshire is, like, conservative. Vermont's liberal. But they're right next to each other. Like, just Thanksgiving that shit. Do you know what I mean?
If they choose to stay in the union, then we make Connecticut a highway.
Just, like, straight up get your liberal and your conservative family together and let them fight it out. But that's one state. You can't just pretend they're two different states. It's the same land. That's why the Hispaniola example, like Hispaniola, you got two distinct places. You got the Dominican and you got Haiti.
Those are two different cultures, two histories, two colonizers, like Vermont and New Hampshire, Vermont and New Hampshire.
Mirror images.
That's the landmass that Haiti... Haiti and the Dominican are on the same landmass. It's one island. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, and it's split. And so the French took a side and then the Spanish took a side. Wow. So that's the Dominican is the Spanish side and Haiti is the... It's the same landmass. No, no, I know. That's crazy.
Do you know that Haiti is still paying France... Reparations? Do you know that? That's insane. Yeah, Haiti is paying France reparations because of the revolution where they overturned France. They claim that the slaveholders lost money and wealth. And so Haiti, and now I think they're just paying interest at this point, had to pay off reparations to France.
Yeah. So all I'm saying is New Hampshire and Vermont don't have that baggage.
Ah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what it is? I forgot Delaware existed, which is the irony of Delaware, right? Because Delaware maybe doesn't need to exist. What's the point? Joe Biden is from there. Who cares? But, like, I forgot they existed. You can't cut a place if you keep forgetting they exist.
Then we have to cut another 10, another 9 at that point. That's a lot of work, man.
But it was an accident. I mean, the thing with Delaware, the Delaware's value basically is that corporations set up their businesses in Delaware for tax reasons, I think.
You mean if we combine Delaware and Maryland, you're saying?
I mean, that's what was suggested in the comments. I mean, I guess we could do that, and then I could free either Virginia or I could re-split the Virginias or re-split the Carolinas if that is that important to people.
Yeah, all of them at some point someone disagreed with, for sure. And the whole premise also was disagreed with.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
Beautiful, beautiful part of the country, but not really multiple states. One state.
I mean, Wyoming is one state. Look at that land mass. It's not that the populations are so huge in those places. Like, if you add Massachusetts in, the population is really getting up there. But those three states together, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Do people call it that? I don't know. I mean, somebody's going to make a t-shirt now. Florida, America's cock.
Oh, that's an interesting... Wow. Yeah. I mean, what they're saying is Montana is significantly less racist than Idaho.
Well, I mean, they're not inaccurate with their assessment of there's a lot of that in Idaho. But to be given to Florida, you know what? Okay, I'll throw Montana in on that Alaska deal. Give it to Canada. If we're getting BC and we're getting Ontario, a good chunk of Ontario, I'll throw in Montana. What the hell? It's not bad. People said I misnumbered them.
I cut too many states, which I don't think is true.
Oh, that it was going to go that viral? No. I don't assume anything I'm going to do is going to be successful. It was a nice surprise.
Why do people argue with the premise? It's clearly a ridiculous premise.
I just don't understand why anybody would say that you should cut 10 states because it's a video on the internet.
That was a New York Times article, too. So basically they're saying fuck Asians? Is that what they're saying?
Man, that's a stupid take. I'm sorry. Do you not go into your Asian friends? I don't think my Asian friends should entertain guests. If I can't leave my shoes that have stepped in poop all over their carpets. How do you live that way? Do you keep them on in the bed too?
Okay, that's your issue. You dealt with something in childhood regarding feet. There's no other explanation for that. That's ridiculous.
I agree. I agree.
should not be allowed to entertain so they're a british person huh uh that immediately brings up india that brings that they were they were probably all those british soldiers were all up in people's homes with their shoes on yeah of course they were all these different they're just they're like they couldn't they didn't take the shoes off that's a mindset colonial mindset that's a colonial mindset dude they don't care
And the colonial mindset says, I know it's your house, but fuck it, that's not the way I do it. That is the colonial mindset. If you're saying that I have to do something that I wouldn't normally do, you shouldn't be allowed to exist. Then throw your parties. Amen. I don't like that one bit. I don't like that one bit, Kareem. Well, the thing is, a lot of people were like... Oh, who was it?
It felt good.
Oh, thank God.
Because I want my heart to break if it was Emma Mackey. No, no, no, no. It was just like a normal person.
What?
Was it J.K. Rowling? Was that the author? Oh, man. First the trans thing, now this. This is, it's going at it. It wasn't her.
That one should go viral big time because that is a gutsy thing to say. That's absurd.
Did you say street rat? Please tell me.
Calling a posh person a street rat, that's well done, Karina.
But she works independently? She can't get fired?
Yeah, I think if that's your goal, it definitely had that. And also, it was so compelling, a random stranger decided to jump into the video not thinking it was a video, which is just, that's an unexpected home run right there. Who would have thought that would have happened?
Why can't I step on all your nice things with my filthy feet? I don't understand with my shoes on. I don't. All these nice things you've collected, why can't I just literally trample over them?
I do that sometimes, too. It's not a good thing.
And the bed's right there, right behind me. Of course.
What about wearing? Wearing outside clothes. Yeah. They change their outside clothes before they get into bed. Yeah. And the logic being because their clothes have been outside and they're filthy and they don't want that into their bed. Yet the shoes thing? Well, the clothes are the shoes of the body.
Or the shoes are the clothes of the feet. Yes.
You sleep under the blanket.
Well, you found a way to get around, yeah.
Also, I mean, again, living in New York, you're sitting on subway seats, like, pumping into people. There's all sorts of who knows what.
that's what I do with my kid that's funny I do that with my kid but I myself don't do that regularly that's because you're an adult man it's a bummer because I'm doing the right thing for him but I'm not modeling the behavior well you're too busy changing him I think it should be socially acceptable to sit next to somebody when you go out to eat instead of across huh But how do you talk to them?
I guess you'd be talking closely, right?
Hell, on the subway, I'm usually sitting next to my friend. I'm not sitting across from them.
Do people do that?
It's probably a white thing. Dad plus the shoe thing. Man, there's something going on there. I think they do weird things.
Yeah, per day probably.
Probably buying socks every single day. I mean, if I could afford it, I would. I really would. I wear very nice socks. The ones I'm wearing right now have rocket ships on them.
No, I've never been to Paris.
That's amazing.
It's also a great way to people watch and talk shit.
It's set up for you to judge others and talk shit.
I'm very critical of the French, but I'm not going to say shit about that. I like that very much.
Dude, I mean, I already told you about the whole thing with Haiti and France.
That whole thing with the reparations. Also, the Burka laws, the anti-Burka laws and all that.
I know just enough to appear smart, but I know that they banned headscarves in a lot of places in France. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what did you call it? The what? Burqa ban.
I just hate that every fashion week in Paris, you see the most odd, basically abstract art clothes, and they look absurd. But if somebody with love in their heart chooses to wear something... as a sign of their faith? Nah, we don't like that. If you're wearing that for fashion, we're all about it. But if you have an actual belief behind it, no way, bro. That's not how we do it here.
What can you do? They don't like beliefs. Cheese is great, though. They're really good with cheese.
I'm... I'm pro. For the sake of not being weird, I'd sit across from them. But I don't see it as that big a deal to sit next to them.
All right, 100%. I'll go 100%. I'm all in.
Yeah.
I was more surprised that, I mean, first of all, when he said, why are you talking into your MetroCards? It was very bizarre. Like these two weirdos are talking into their MetroCards and you decided to interrupt two weirdos talking into their MetroCards. He had no idea it was being recorded, but.
No, these are nuanced topics. They're not really possible. They involve a great deal of discussion. You're asking for a yes or no. That's very difficult.
Yeah.
I don't, because it's 100%. Have to? I don't like the have to. Did he say have to or should? He said should, and now it's on YouTube. Oh, now that's interesting.
Huh. I remember in the episode you defined butt stuff.
You could be something you do to yourself.
If it was to do to myself for the sake of experimentation, I...
But I know the sensation feels good in that example, as opposed to... True. I really... I mean, I understand Nick's point. Like, Nick's point is that we're so close-minded to our sexuality, and also it is a way to actually question homophobia, because you don't know what you like if you haven't tried it. And so there is something to...
If straight men actually try it and like the sensation, that would probably affect how they feel about, you know, their sexuality and sexuality in general.
I'm 42, though. I feel like this is something I should have done many years ago.
You broke your arm? The wrist just stopped working, and I had to have surgery for it.
That already tells you these are two very strange people if you think we're just talking into our MetroCards for no clear reason.
No. I'm telling you. That's why the butt stuff might not be a good idea, because God knows what's going to happen. I tore calf muscles playing pickleball shortly after I turned 40. Pickleball. That is not a sport you should be tearing calf muscles.
That's true. Yeah, it's really for elderly people. I thought I was going to dominate, and that's why I wanted to play because I've never been good at sports. But I'm like, I'm playing a bunch of 80-year-olds. I'm the young stud in town, and they kicked my ass. They were very good.
Okay, that's good to know.
I think Nick really, because initially when Nick said it, I'm like, come on, Nick, come on. What are you talking about? But then when you really think about it, it does kind of force you to think about sexuality in a way that maybe a lot of men don't want to think about it. A lot of straight men don't want to think about something that they perceive as gay.
Oh, I remember the whole metrosexual thing. Yeah, that's when everybody was so homophobic, they came up with the term to justify it. To be what they wanted to be, to dress the way they wanted to dress. Or to be homophobic.
Metrosexual, what that does is that gives you the freedom to wear what you want without being called gay. That's so funny. I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.
It was a way around it.
People were too uncomfortable. And it's clear they had to make it a city thing. Yeah, they made it urban. Cities are gay. That's basically what they're saying.
Yeah.
They don't use that anymore. Is that still a used term?
Yeah.
And heterosexual. Yeah.
Metrosexual?
Oh. cool that's the best thing a simpson did in 94 no the simpsons all right i was because oj what happened in 94
oh yeah that was a i mean that was arguably cool not the murder no not the murder just as a ridiculous thing that happened no the chase was cool oh i mean it wasn't cool it was so slow yeah but it was that's why it was cool it was like a cartoon it was it was and i just remember trying to watch the next game and i'm like i just want to watch the next game right now and i gotta
We're seeing OJ Simpson. Somebody I didn't even know other than as an announcer because I was like 12. This announcer, guy from the Naked Gun, might kill himself.
Al Cowlings. I wish I didn't know these things. Who's that? Al Cowlings is a football buddy of OJ's and he was driving the car and OJ might have had a gun to his head or threatened to kill himself. And... AC was just going for, I don't know why they went for a ride.
Ah, man. Imagine living a whole life and that's the thing that you're known for?
Yeah. I feel like, based on everything I know, and as a layman, he must be guilty. But somebody... suggested that maybe he was innocent and it was his son that did it. So he's covering for his kid almost.
That would be an interesting term. But he also released a book called If I Did It, where he laid out what it would have been like if he had, in fact, did it. Killed his ex-wife.
Yeah. Gotta get that money. I'm not saying I did it, but if I did do it, I would do all the things everyone assumed I did.
Yeah.
Oh, man. It's gonna be hard to top the state one, huh?
I gotta think. Let me think, man. I don't know if I have another take on me right now. Fresh take? Like, just spur of the moment? I don't have one on me.
Can I bum a take? Give me a take I can steal.
I don't have any on me right now. Literally. As a comedian, this is especially bad, since I should probably have joke ideas.
I'm looking at my threads, and I remember I don't really update my threads. Do you know what happened to me today, though?
And it's like, sir, there are cameras behind you, clearly. He goes, oh! What is this, New York? People just filming things constantly on the subway? I've never been on the internet before.
A white dude in a... Well, I was walking my four-year-old. I was walking with my kid, walking with my four-year-old. A white dude in a car rolled down his window and called me a fucking baboon. What?
And then started making monkey noises and drove away.
My first thought is I need to shave. No, I mean, I was. That's my take. My take is that that should be punishable by death.
And I'm against the death penalty, by the way. I'm against the death penalty.
Just that one guy. Oh, okay, just him. Just that one guy who had the audacity to ruin my day by yelling that in front of my kid.
I think he might have been an open-minded bigot. Sometimes racists surprise me in how they hate people of color in a universal way. I don't think they always rank. Right, right, right.
Usually, I mean, because historically, like Sand Edward was like the big one. Classic. Post 9-11, that was the one I got the most. But even that one, it was like saying, I hate you, but only in comparison to my hatred of black people.
We didn't have our own fresh new slur, really.
They're not checking.
They're not doing the 23andMe before they yell out of a car. They're not asking, hey, what part of the world are you from? Is there sand there? Like, you know, it's not. Southern India is tropical.
That's true.
Yes.
Man, you know what? This podcast has something for everybody. If you're against racism, hey, this is the podcast. If you're for racism, this is the kind of discussion that I'm sure racists have. Like, who is this? Who is the sandiest of the Sand Edwards? Let's think about this.
I just got a take. I just have a take.
Tanning salons should have to be taxed some percentage that goes to people of color for stealing their color.
Yes, that's... You're just darkening people up. You didn't ask us. We have the dark skin. It's the real deal. And we get taxed through racism.
So where's our cut?
How much of a difference does it make?
Yeah, man. I'm doing a big show at the Gramercy on May 29th, which I want everybody there. And then Houston on May 30th and 31st at the Punchline. And when does this come out, man? Is this coming out this week? I think next week. Or no, this week. If it comes out this week, I'm going to be in Baltimore on the 3rd of April at the Creative Alliance. So those are the big gigs coming up.
But for the New York people, like May 29th, baby, that's going to be a fun show. May 29th at the Gramercy. Amazing. Well, where can people follow you? You can follow me at Hari Kondabolu. So what you do is you type in Hari and K. That's H-A-R-I. H-A-R-I-K. And then you'll see Hari Kondabolu because I don't think you're going to be able to spell it.
So just go with Hari K and then let them fill in the blank for you. Let the gods guide you. Yes.
It's been a pleasure. It's been wonderful.
That's my brother. And that's my sister. That's wild.
Let's see. Do I have any regrets with regards to the subway take?
I didn't address Florida, which I regret because that's the obvious one, which it was in the original version of the Subway take, which I've since posted because I made sure to run it once. As a comic, we just tend to run things once before we put ideas out there. It was Floribama. The idea was to put Florida and Alabama together versus Florida, Alabama and Mississippi.
But then I just felt guilty adding Florida's baggage to another state. It just felt not right. They're their own entity. And then I was stuck because I chose not to cut states off, but to try to put states together. So Florida was just there. I should have sold Florida back to Spain. I think that's probably what I should have done.
Yeah, it looks like we could cut America's dick off.
That's an insane take. That is an insane take.
I think it's easier to build the island than to remove a peninsula like that.
I mean, if there was ever a time for something like that, it would be now. I feel like everything's on the tape. That's one thing I have some regret over, too. I wish I had thought about my take in the larger context of the country, because people started putting in the comments... What are you working for Trump? Trump would love this.
And I thought about later, I'm like, this doesn't sound like a doge plan, doesn't it? It sounds like a way to save money.
Now Greenland's like, it's all the rage.
I mean, right there, it seems like that's a no-go. I don't think Denmark does. I don't believe Denmark does. Is that who owns Greenland? Yes, or at least has the control of it, whatever.
I guess, yeah. Like, they have their own government and stuff like that. Yeah, I suppose so. It's very bizarre. It is very bizarre that we're making this an issue. Like, why are we talking about... Like, why is Trump going after Greenland, exactly? He says it's strategic?
Yeah, but based on that, you want to put the U.S. Army everywhere. Well, it is everywhere. It is everywhere. Usually you don't strategically put it like, oh, right in front of our allies.
Is it Star Trek or ASAP?
Live long and prosper, Star Trek.
Yeah, but I'm also thinking like. ASAP fans who are Trekkies, that's a cross section.
100% agree. All right, we start out with Dakota. We don't need two Dakotas. South and North Dakota are one Dakota now. And still, that's me being nice.
And also, it was pointed out that me saying I want the part of Ontario with Toronto is actually where the most population is. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like taking the best part. It's like saying, yeah, you can take the bun. I'll take the hot dog.
You don't want the meaty innards?
Really?
I just think Toronto is a dope city, and I would love to own that. Oh, I sound Trumpian. I do sound... Holy crap. I didn't know I had that in me. That's straight up Trump talk right there. You got that dog in you.
That's still barely a state, but fine. One Carolina.
Sure. Well, it came from my dear friend W. Kamau Bell and I have had this ongoing argument for years. Because he believes that the NBA is too big and we should be cutting like half the teams. in order to make a better league.
Three gone right there. Number four, Rhode Island. It's a vestigial organ off of Massachusetts. You're going to cut it off? It has to go back to Massachusetts. Oh, it's being absorbed. Yep. Alabama, Mississippi, one state.
And I'm like, you can't just cut, because you're talking about communities, you're talking about traditions, like it would screw everything up and no one, they're going to expand, they're not going to shrink. But he's convinced they need to cut certain teams. And I've argued with him for years that I just applied that logic to states.
What if we had the same ridiculous argument, except in a situation that's even less likely, which is the United States of America. People seem to be pretty good with combining the Dakotas. They were fine with that. The Carolinas, they were upset about because they felt like South Carolina was drastically different from North Carolina. I've been to both. I get what they're saying, but I don't care.
Oh, there's definitely going to be issues. Yeah, without a doubt. The West Virginia, Virginia one, there's some history there, and there's a larger history that kind of is like, yeah, I guess I get why they're separate.
They wouldn't even know. There are not enough people to know. Wasn't there a North? It changes nothing.
This is it right here.
No.
Yeah, you do it.
Cross the street?
A baseball field?
This is. My first love. Maybe your only love.
Wow.
Wow.
100%.
I did.
Yo, what's up, guys? We're on our way to go meet up with Cate Blanchett for Subway Takes Uncut. I have no idea what's about to happen. We're meeting on 67th Street, going uptown on the 1 train to 125th. I'm pretty excited because she's one of the greatest actors of all time. Two Oscars, a couple of other awards. I don't know. We're going to see what she has to say. Here it is. So what's your take?
I understand what you're saying.
Here's the thing, though. Your characters are so—you seem pretty put together.
Yeah, as a human being. You seem—you know, you have a history of activism. You've been married for 28 years. You've got kids that are in school and not, you know, chefs. Sorry, chefs. What's wrong with being a chef? I'm just kidding. But your characters are oftentimes... Unhinged. They're a little unhinged, and I would describe them as, like, as slippery.
Morally slippery, physically slippery. Like, they're hard to grasp. They're like smoke. You know, you want to say, like, I can help you. And... Every time you go like this, they... Slip away. They slip away. That's what I would say the defining role of a Cate Blanchett film is.
Smoky people. You play smoky people. This is the dirtiest outside of a train I've ever been on.
To go home.
Unless you would rather not.
Not like this.
How's it look? I mean, those look really good on you.
Yes. I don't know how these look on me.
That's really disgusting.
So one of your other hot takes is that you don't like when people have smudgy glasses.
Or you're just resting it. No, no, so I massage my thumb. I actually bought this thing from Japan where I massage my thumb. Back to the leaf blower conversation, though. What I've never understood, and somebody brought this up to me the other day, is why do they blow instead of suck?
Do you think these ones? Really? Oh my God, young Rami. You were so wrong. Look, Rami tells the truth in any situation.
No, I don't do anything. I don't even wash my face.
I don't even wash my face, but I got a zit right before this. You did where? Look at it.
You do look fantastic.
I read that you were voted the third... The blind most... This is such a crazy compliment. Yeah, it was the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world. How do you feel about that? Look, I didn't do it. The third most. The third most. And then they also preface it by saying, naturally beautiful.
I don't know. I just saw, I read it, and it said, Cate Blanchett was voted the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world in 2004.
Was that before or after the Oscars?
Do you have any plans to win another Oscar?
That's a lot. That's getting greedy.
It's getting a little greedy.
Did you say with your... Chickens. Oh, I thought you said with your gun.
I thought you said you want to be at home with your gun and chickens. I was like, what are you going to do?
Oh, your garden.
Do you know about the epidemic that's happening in New York at the moment with Australians?
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no. They have settled in New York City.
Yeah, because what they bring... is breakfast sandwiches and avocado toast. And what is wrong with this? I just think that the city has enough.
That's in every Australian cafe. Is that the national food?
Well, you have avocado toast.
One guy sent me a direct message and he said, What's up, man? I'm an Australian living in New York City. I just opened a seven-story bar that I would love to invite you to.
I think that they fit in. Like they can party. They are buff and sexy usually. They're attractive.
They're naturally beautiful people. And I don't know. I think that there's something to them.
Are they all actors? And baristas. They're all actors and baristas.
You look so comfortable right now.
They call you a strap hangers.
I can't. I mean, we're touching. We got to wash our hands.
This is one of the dirtier trains I've ever run on.
I've lived a good life. I've been on the train more hours than the average person. I don't even commute.
Really?
Like the disgusting bed cover? Yeah.
Well, sorry. How many people are wearing white slippers? Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Oh, wait, am I doing Australian or English?
Sorry, mate.
So you don't live down under anymore?
You live in Greenland?
That's not good.
52nd, I think.
That's one of them. I don't remember. I have so many, and they come in and out of my brain very quickly. You know what the real answer is? I don't want to reveal it.
I gotta go. Goodbye. I'll see you later. Bye.
Yeah.
Well, it's also like a snowblower. Why are we obsessed with blowing?
Everything's blowing, nothing's sucking. I know.
Right, right, right. It's pretty terrible. I'm with you 100%. I think most of the population... Is this a problem in, like, Australia? You live in Australia or Britain?
In Washington, D.C.?
Well, it's basically minimum wage these days. I wanted to get your opinion on some of the other takes. Well, yeah, what do you think of my suit? You like my suit? I just got it, actually, for you.
Well, I thought that the glasses were going to be good camouflage, but now they've become a signature look, so I can't leave the house with glasses on.
your sunglasses no because i i want so i'm also an actor and a writer and a producer and such and i wanted people to be surprised when they saw me on screen that they would see my eyes and i wouldn't just be the guy from the show you think we wouldn't recognize you on screen because of those glasses oh shit it's you that's good acting yeah that's amazing that's some of my best so this is called takes on takes so these are some takes that uh have been on the show recently we don't need any more podcasts
Do you 100% agree or disagree?
So you're a podcast fan?
Do you listen to podcasts?
Oh, you take the tube.
I've done this on the tube.
Yeah, this is technically the world's shortest podcast.
Yeah, okay, more podcasts. She's in. Men should have to menstruate once a year.
Twice?
100% agree. I was in Miami the other day. Yes. I literally saw a guy blowing one leaf. But where was he blowing it?
You can't do twice because what I've learned is that the menstrual cycle lasts the entire month.
Well, I watched my wife give birth. Let me tell you. I would just not do it. I would say, you know what, I'm just going to not have a kid.
The whole thing?
Three and a half? Yeah.
Three and a half. Yeah, I mean, I've always known that women were stronger than men. Facts. That is true. But then after you see the physical, like the pregnancy and the birth, I think it's just, you just... Are you okay with blood? I'm okay with blood, but I don't know if I'm okay with the head coming out of the vagina.
I know.
I don't mind the other stuff. It was really just the body, because it becomes very extraterrestrial.
Easy to please. In that order. All right. Certain compliments mean more coming from certain races. So an example that I gave is that if a black guy tells you you look cool, it means you really, really look very cool.
It doesn't happen.
I've literally never seen it. I live in New York City. I've never seen a black guy dressed poorly, ever.
I think that would be better for me. Well, the highest compliment to come from a black woman is, like, you're cool. Like, not you look cool, but you are cool. You are cool. Yeah. And then people who wear white sneakers don't fuck.
No.
No, no, no. I was watching him.
I literally had no idea what you were going to wear. Can I show you this? This is insane. So I just, on the way over here, I was like, let's just see.
People who wear white sneakers do not 100% agree. I used to wear white sneakers. I wasn't him. No. And then I got these hard shoes on.
He switched to hard shoes and he became a real fornicator.
No.
Oh, that might make it horny. Yeah. Might make it horny. Well, no, I think that's the difference. If you're wearing white shoes with socks, you are not fornicating.
He would not. No way. But if you're wearing white sneakers... Do you wear socks? Oh, I wear socks. You wear white socks. I wear long socks, but I'm not wearing a white sneaker.
Yeah, I know. Clearly I've been in the bushes before I came here. That means you're a real fornicator. I am.
This is a revelation for me and something I now understand. And I will go back to him. And say, Kate Blanchett says, if you're wearing dirty white sneakers, it means you're a real fornicator. It's on. How many times do you think I've said real fornicator on this show?
Of course, I'm a real fornicator. I can say it as many times as you want me to.
No, I had this thought. I said, whatever happened to Riggs?
I would make up a word.
I don't know what that is. Tell me the secret of movie making.
I've never heard this before.
Peach. Because it's got the ch at the end. Peach is a horny word. This is turning into a horny podcast. Yeah.
Or the new show? Black Bag. Tell me about Black Bag. Oh, yes, I'm in the movie. That's why I heard I'm here because of Black Bag.
Are you here for something else?
I think Birkenstocks are one of the sexiest shoes.
So you're a suspect.
How long have you been married? I've been married for, you know, it's debatable.
No, it's debatable because I don't remember. That is really not... It's either three or four years.
Well, that's because you've gone over 20. Like, after 20... Over the limit. Yeah, no, no. Once you know that you... Once you've been married for 20 years, then you start... It's a miracle. Then you start counting. You go, holy shit, we made it to 20. And then you go, okay, now it's 21, now it's 22. I'm so early on that it seems like it doesn't matter.
No. I like to make decisions. I'm a decision maker.
I would say we've been married for about a year.
No, no, no. It literally is a year because we got married when the baby was conceived. We decided to get married. But we were already going to get married. But it just seemed like a really good time to not have our child born in sin. Yes.
To me, it's something of an insurance policy. What, to get married? Doing, like, some of the religious stuff. I feel like, look, if you have... What religious persuasion is she? We're Muslims. She's recently converted from being a Christian, but being born a Muslim, that got converted by her grandmother.
Oh.
And then she unconverted. Not for me. By her own volition.
I said do it every month. Is that a thing? I think they call them a re... Something a re-something. Like you re-enter the thing.
That is really a good point.
No, no, she re-became a Muslim. She was born Muslim, and then she was converted to Christianity by her grandmother. Oh, I see. And then she came back.
I didn't personally try to bring her back. We were in Turkey, and she went to a mosque.
And she was like, I like this.
They are beautiful.
Yeah, I'm a mole man. You know, some people would call me a rat in New York City. I'm New York City's most famous subway rat. You need your vitamin D. I do need my vitamin D. That's why I sun myself. I have a question for you. When's the last time you took the New York City subway?
So you're into the weird stuff that happens?
Well, that's called pretending to read.
I had once, after I did an episode of the show, a guy came up to us and he chimed in and he was like, well, I think blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes, why are you guys talking into the MetroCards? And we go, oh, we're doing a show.
He was like, oh, I thought you were just holding – like he thought – he was watching us and he was like, why are these two people having a conversation like this? And he had no idea why. And he thought it was normal. And then he approached us and said, hey, I think – he essentially came and chimed in and said, I think that this take is correct.
Well, my thumb hurts, so I had to convert to this. Because I used to do this. But now this hurts. So now I do this.
And what I would do is like put two senators from each state – he had a whole well-thought-out thing.
Everyone has an opinion.
This is Times Square.
Do you feel like that is cool? Do you think that you're such a good actor?
Do you think that you're such a good actor that you can just be on the subway and everyone's like, oh, it's just a lady, just a smart-looking lady?
One, two, three, whiskey. Do you have any?
100% agree. Oh, is this my stop? Oh, this is my stop. I gotta go. Thank you so much. It was great to meet you.
You honestly look great today. Like, well-rested. Wow. I love when you wear a backwards hat.
Oh, no. I hate the skin. Obviously, you don't have a chemical reaction to the air outside. It's probably the sun. You were on vacation.
And they don't have facial moisturizer and Turks and Gagos?
You know, what's really interesting is I've known your name since I was seven years old. I'm 38. So I've known your name for 37 years, which is fascinating to me because your work is so profound and inspiring and impactful. But I think it's a testament to how well you've done for the world and the environment that as a little boy, I knew your name.
No, I think you're right. Here's the thing. If it's for your hair, I'm comfortable putting it on my skin. Like I have washed my body with shampoo.
No, no. I've like literally washed my body. Like if there's no soap, I mean, I think it's acceptable to wash your body with the same thing that you wash your hair with because same kind of philosophy that you have. I know that your hair or your face is a part of your body, but I think it's more acceptable. But I would never, if it says body lotion, I'm not putting it on my face. Yeah.
And I think it's because it's more oily. Yeah. And then you get zits.
I have a very simple routine. It's a man's routine. I only use moisturizer. So like in the morning, I only wash my face with water. I have very neutral skin, meaning that it's not dry and it's also not oily. It's kind of perfect. And that's what the guy at Aesop told me. So I use a moisturizer, honestly brand agnostic, whatever's available at Costco. Two furs. They got two furs out there. Nice.
Um, so whatever's available or a duty free on my way out. Sometimes if I'm coming back from a nice locale, such as Paris, like I bought moisturizer in Paris at the airport.
Or you just ran out. Clinique. Nice.
No, I know. But there's something about buying it in Paris. Well, the reason I bought it is because I was in a pinch. I like to put moisturizer on in the plane, too, on my face before I enter the plane because it's so dry. These are little hacks. But honestly, the only thing I do for my face is keep it moisturized. And then I also apply an SPF, a very light SPF product.
Like for me, it's all about protecting the moneymaker. Like I wasn't doing these things five years ago.
Do I have a cup at all times?
Why do you think the nuts help make money? Because you have to have high tea?
Well, I think tea is developed in the nut sack.
We're trying to get drunk.
Wait, I'm curious to understand why you think that the balls are so important. I really don't think that they're that important.
probably have low tea you might want to check that out you know so this is more of a tea take and less of a nut sack take but i guess it's connected because the tea comes from the nuts yeah the tea definitely comes from the nuts man i would agree with that i think i think people who have like i don't know where my tea level's at but i think i think it fluctuates i think sometimes i have high tea and some days i have a low tea and when i have high tea i'm pretty great it's like being on coke
That's why they really call it, they call it Coke dick. So that's why it's low-T. Also, they changed the recipe, the cocaine recipe, and now it makes people sleepy or dead. Yeah, it makes me really sleepy. That's what I'm saying. It makes me really sleepy. I don't like – it's not fun. You just – I've literally – I don't want to talk about this. I'm a father. I don't want to talk about this.
I'm not talking about this anymore. Yeah, let's not talk about it. We shouldn't talk about this. So you have dry skin on your face. I did notice that your sunglasses yesterday at the big shoot that we did, at the big A-list celebrity shoot that people will see. Actually, they've already seen a photo with Cate Blanchett. And that episode will probably be out.
You had sand on your sunglasses and I was a little embarrassed for you, not because it's like sloppy or dirty, but because it's kind of a Casey Neistat move.
interesting probably thanks to national geographic probably thanks to national geographic i saw a lot of pictures of you with with chimpanzees yeah and you look pretty good Looked pretty good. I was smitten. I was smitten back then.
I think he does. That's so... I mean, I don't want to badmouth the guy, but that glasses thing is super loser core. I know. I obviously wear sunglasses all the time. I think that wearing sunglasses is cool. And I'm self-conscious about how often I wear them, but I think it's cool. I think it's cool to wear sunglasses. But to damage any of your goods intentionally to make them look worn in...
It's kind of a loser move, especially when it's randomly just white out on the sunglasses. Like, what?
I don't think you need to. I think sunglasses look good when they're fresh. Like, I think I understand someone wanting to de-stress their motorcycle jacket or their boots or like a fucking even a hat. You know, I like when my hat.
is sun faded so i will intentionally if i get a new baseball cap i will wear it often like i'll wear it for like two weeks straight i'll leave it outside i make sure i wear it to the ocean make it wet put it out again like i'll make it wet six times i'll try to fade it as quickly as possible but something with the sunglasses is gross and weird
Can I ask you a question though? Yeah.
No, no, no. I don't intentionally keep it crisp, but I do think that the leather jacket, like I have a couple that are like vintage and they're just, you know, they're damaged. Right. Can you hear my baby crying? I'm just curious.
Oh, amazing. Or Sufi. Great. Or Sufi. No, it's day two of the nanny. Oh, nice. So there's bound to be some growing pains. No, the leather jacket thing, I think, again, it's one of those things where it depends on the vibe. I have at least four leather jackets. Wow. One of them seems really broken in because it is because it's vintage.
Another one is slightly broken in because it is because it's also vintage. And then my new leather jacket, the newest of the bunch, is crispy simply because it's brand new. Like, what am I going to do? Run it over with my fucking car?
I also think I think that look is like very diesel.
I think it's having, I think it will have a comeback. I think Diesel and all of those, like a structure that doesn't exist anymore. No, it doesn't. Express, I don't think that exists anymore.
I was an Anichi kind of guy. You know, Anichi is N-Y-C. Did you know that? I knew that, yeah. Because it's spelled E-N-Y-C-E, Anichi.
I used to wear Sean John, but go ahead. If Viso was fire...
remember oh yes jeans i do i do with that with that sort of embroidery on the on the pockets that was fire dude i remember in college there was a time where me and my friends bought all of our jeans based on how sick the pockets were and we would compliment each other all the time i'd be like damn those are sick pockets and it was like a great bit but we were also dead serious Oh, yeah, sure.
Like, I would be like, yo, those pockets are sick. And so, like, the crazier the pocket, especially the back, the cooler and more rare and interesting the jean was. So, like, Ed Hardy had nice pockets. Ennichi had nice pockets. Evisu had really nice pockets. True Religion, to some extent, you could tell they were True Religions by the pockets. Yep. Bathing Ape had nice pockets. LRG...
To have a sick pocket was a flex.
Oh, that's so fire. I mean, they should probably bring back sick pockets. I mean, they will come back. Yeah, they have to. And I remember I had... I forgot what the brand was. Like J something? Like J Malone? I don't fucking know. It was like J Paper? Is that what it was called? I don't know. There was this jeans brand that, again, $250 a pair. First job out of college.
I'm like, I'm buying nice jeans. I buy maybe two pairs. And I start wearing them to the office. And I worked in this office that was a little bit... I would say the people there were a little older than me. I was definitely the coolest person, even though I was uncool. You know what I mean? But I was the youngest. I was one of the youngest people. Right.
And I was wearing jeans, and I was like, these are fly as hell. But then everyone was wearing jeans as well, but the people that were wearing jeans were wearing faded baggy, poorly fitting, unflattering, sloppy boys. You know what you see? Those sloppy guys.
Most people are sloppy, dude. And that fat belly hanging over the thing. Yeah. And so the owner of the company was like, no more jeans. And I was like, dude, I'm not wearing khakis. I was like, I paid a lot of money for these jeans. And I continued wearing jeans until I was reprimanded by my supervisor. Yeah.
It's just my boss. No HR.
My boss was great. And he was just like, I'm looking out for you. You don't want to die on this hill. He's like, you have a pretty easy, cushy job. And so do I. This guy is really was always he was like a mentor to me because what's crazy is that he was probably my age now.
right like he's he's 36 or 38 and he was really taking advantage we were in the social media department we were the heads of social media he was the head of social media and i was like the first yeah i was like i don't even know what my job was like digital marketing strategist but we were the higher no dude i was fucking i knew exactly what i was doing digital marketing easiest job in the world
And I was, but we were the whole department. So it would be like, oh, we'll send it to the social media group. And it was just me and him. But it was so easy to continue doing pretty much what I'm still doing, which is, or no, it's what our mutual good friend of the pod, Hassan Ali Khan, does.
Which is say a lot of big words in an order that makes not a lot of sense to a bunch of people that are very dumb. And then everyone thinks you're a genius.
So I was doing Analyst Plus back then. And so my boss was like, you don't want to lose this very easy job where me and you can go to lunch for three hours and then hit Lifetime Fitness and get a couple reps in and leave at 4 p.m. And come to the office at maybe nine or eight or sorry, nine or 10. He's like, we don't want to lose this. So maybe it's time you abandon the jeans. So I did.
So you just started wearing khakis? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What a character arc. Back then. Those were also the days where you had going out clothes. Yeah, 100%. Like you and the boys were going out on Friday night and you would get a going out shirt.
Yeah, no, no, no. The going out shirt's always a button out or it's like a really, really graphic tee. Right.
Yeah, they were long and they were square-toed. Steve Madden. No, no, they were Stacey Adams. That was like the poor man Steve Madden. This is called Stacey Adams. Oh, fuck. They were available at JCPenney, Burlington Co-Factory, Marshalls, Macy's, and such.
Yeah, because you're not hood like me.
Oh, those are a step up from Stacey Adams, but they're still like, I don't know. Let me ask you a question. If Subway Takes was pitched a branded content partnership with Kenneth Cole and the bag was reasonably sized, what would you say? What would be the first thought in your head?
Oh, you would be fully not self-conscious about doing an ad for Kenneth Cole?
Wait, is Kenneth Cole kind of tight? I don't remember.
Is Kenneth Cole equal to Hugo Boss? Is that like the same...
That's crazy that Kenneth Cole is, if you know, you know.
I was like, oh my God, we can't lose this deal. Did you tell Malou immediately? Oh, she was with me. And you were like, yes, and you pumped the fist? I started shaking. I was so excited.
So there was a lot of sexism. I mean, there's still sexism in science.
Because your relationship with Popeyes is fairly religious. You are a lunch Popeyes guy. You're a dinner Popeyes guy. You're a delivery Popeyes guy, which I think is crazy. I don't know about your breakfast habit, Popeyes. If there was a frequent flyer club for Popeyes, you would be a million miler probably at this point.
Yeah, so we got an email. I was kind of excited. I would do it for the culture. I have a love. I'm kind of like Trump in that I love American fast food. I think it's really fun. Maybe I'm not like Trump. I don't like it that much. Although I did just have a breakfast sandwich recently from somewhere that had a drive-thru. But it is devastating, especially because they have that new collab.
Much less these days, though.
And when you were breaking into that, they did actually say things like that to you?
Oh, I was talking about the Ramadan Hennessy Popeyes collab.
No, no, I'm not doing a bit. It's not for Ramadan. I think it's actually for Black History Month. I was so confused. I was like, how is Hennessy going to fit in that? I think it's for Black History Month. God, that feels really off. Go on. Let's see here. There's a Popeye-Hennessy collab. Oh, no. Sorry. It's Don Julio. I don't know that.
wow it came out january 31st and what is it is it like chicken flavored i'm checking right now tequila oh my god it's still on the menu dude i can't believe you haven't had this oh no they're sold out fuck it's called the don it's called tequila don julio x popeyes championship lineup menu whoa what's on this menu So it's wings, Don Julio fusion wings. I'm looking at a chicken sandwich here.
And then it looks like there's a beverage, but I would – the beverage is – okay. So it's Popeye's X Tequila Don Julio Reposado Flavored Concha Roll Chicken Sandwich. So it's a concha roll. It's a new kind of roll. There's a concha. I don't know. And then the Popeye's X – is that how you pronounce kind of the X?
It's a collab. It's like Popeye's X Don Julio. So Popeye's X Don Julio Reposado Flavored Louisiana Garlic Three-Piece Wings. And then there is the Popeye's Spicy Strawberry Hibiscus Flavored Lemonade Mocktail. And that is what consists of the Don Julio Popeye's Championship lineup.
You know that lady from Jurassic Park?
So, yeah. So we had to say no to the Popeye's bag. Yeah. Because it was a little too small, right? Was that why we had to say no?
We don't fuck with that. And so the collab is what, with Pickles? I guess they're getting free advertising right now, but it's a Pickles collab? Is this under embargo?
Have you ever seen the movie Jurassic Park?
I don't know.
And it should have said do not like it should have been in red. It should say under embargo. Yeah. Then we would know. Yeah, that was a shame. That was a shame. But I'm not, you know, I'm trying to be more of a classic man. Oh, I'm a classic man. And I feel like a Popeye's collab is not the kind of classic that is fitting my current status.
The Gap is a good classic man. And you know how I know it's a classic man? How? The XL. The XL fits me perfectly. Oh, nice. And I think men at one point in time were much broader shouldered, broader bellied. They were just big men. And so the Gap makes clothes for men. Whereas many other brands... I've had to acquire their clothing. I have to get 2XL. I'm not a fat boy. I'm not a 2XL kind of guy.
But I think they're skimping on the fabrics, cost-cutting. It's like at the grocery store when they put a little more air in the Cheetos bag and a little less Cheetos.
So the bag is the same size.
I'm the Cheeto. I'm the same size, but the size of the bag has gotten smaller. To save costs. But the consumer doesn't know. So when I go and get clothes from XYZ and I have to get a XXL, they're essentially saying you're fat and you've gained weight. But in reality, they just are trying to cut costs.
No, I always write in the emails because I'm talking about free clothing here. I'll write XL if standard sizing, XXL if new form skinny sizing.
And many people dress twinks. I mean, many men are twinks now.
Wait, Lord of the Rings? That's a good movie.
Even if they're straight, they're twinks.
So Gap makes classic fitting clothes, so I'm very happy with them. I think some of the other collabs, I mean, I don't remember what came out recently. What'd you cop at the Gap? What did I cop at the Gap? I got a whole kit. Shout out to Gap. I got a trench coat. I got kind of like a nice workman's jacket. I got a sweater. I got two pairs of pants, one white, one blue.
Wait, I have to say, I can't believe you've never seen the movie Jurassic Park.
And then they also hooked me up with a $500 gift certificate. Oh, I got this denim worker's jacket that's actually fleece lined, very warm. And I ran into John Caramonica yesterday at the screening that I went to. And he was very complimentary about that denim jacket. And he was like, I went to the Gap store before I even saw you wearing it in the ad.
And I was like, wow, this is a really nice denim jacket. And he was going to buy it for himself. And he agrees. John Caramonica is also a thick, nice, classic man.
As classic as they come, to be honest. He's the perfect build.
You know what it's about, though, right?
I know. And he probably thought in like really beautiful kind of like really nice vocabulary. You know, he didn't say this is nice. He said, I was like, this is luxurious.
Yeah, exactly. And then he didn't buy it because I got everything in two sizes. I got XL and XXL. I offered him last night to take over my XXL.
Of course. Amazing. Who doesn't want a free jacket?
Wait, you need, you need to go on the diet because you're too buff though.
You have a Michael Phelps body. I mean, not like that. I wish.
But why would the arms not fit? Have your arms gotten longer?
And it's bigger because it's filled with muscles, not because you're fat.
And then they create a theme park filled with dinosaurs, real living dinosaurs.
Yeah, but I think the best intermittent fast is like 18 hours. Let me see. Intermittent fasting. But you sleep through some of it. You know what I mean? No, definitely.
I mean, it depends on how strict you want to be. But I'd say, you know, extreme people would fast for 18 hours. But, like, a normal person would fast for 12. Like, I think a healthy habit in life is to, like, if you eat dinner at 7, you shouldn't eat breakfast till 7. I think that's normal. And that's 12 hours.
So, Laura Dern, I think that that character in Jurassic Park was based on you.
That's living. That's cool. But some people don't do that. Some people don't do that. Some people eat at 11 p.m. and then eat again at 8. Yeah, that's true. Not a fast. Snackers. Snackers out there. I think the window, I think the most effective is 18 hours and you have a small window of eating that's like pretty much five hours. Is that, no, 18 plus five, what's that?
that's um 23 so you have a six hour window of eating that's 24 hours in a day yeah and i think that is an effective but also slightly easy way to lose weight because it's not like it's not that hard because we're never truly hungry you know what i mean like the body can go without food for like literally five months or something is that true
What an honor for me to take the first ever subway ride with Jane Goodall.
yeah people go on like hunger strikes in prison and stuff and I don't think you need to eat I mean you definitely need water but you don't need food right yeah that makes sense so to be truly hungry like we have a feeling of hunger but it's not real hunger it's kind of like our body is a spoiled little bitch right because we eat three times a day no matter what whether we're hungry or not we just like are conditioned to try to eat three times a day but like most of the time we're not actually hungry and a lot of people eat
I mean, look at the photos. You guys look very similar. I think it's possible.
simply because they're bored like lunch i think i'm convinced that lunch exists as like a little a little treat a little accoutrement to the day a little something something to to perk you up for fun it's like a social thing but i don't think anyone needs lunch what are you what are you talking about i think if you need breakfast and dinner you don't need lunch so you're just gonna go but okay so the whole stretch of the day which is the most active part of the day
Sure, yes. But we're not doing that. We're guys that sit on fucking laptops. And we expend no energy. And the only energy we expend is the energy that we spend walking to lunch. Yeah, we're not working in the coal mines. And pacing around our fucking apartments. We don't need lunch. We don't need three meals a day. Me and you don't even need probably two meals a day.
We'll have to pull it up.
I think that like, so my grandfather, who was very thin and very healthy, he would eat breakfast and then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four. So he would eat breakfast like seven or eight. Then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four or a late lunch, depending on how you want to put it. And then he would have a nice snack.
I will prove it. You want me to prove it right now?
kind of at like eight or nine and that snack would be fruit. Um, just literally fruit. That was the only sack. Or maybe that was around sevens, fruit and tea. And he did that for his whole life and he was very healthy and very thin and I think it worked for him.
He wasn't buff.
No, see, I think that that's where we differ in our opinion.
You think that buff people are in. I think that buff people are not in.
Not really.
That's marketing, my king.
That's literally marketing king. Yeah, because then you see protein and you go, oh, that's healthy even if it's not. Like there's probably, there's like chips, like regular potato chips and they're like seven grams of protein, literally. Well then, by the way, I have those chips. Yeah. I own those chips. It worked on you.
Oh, me neither.
So what's in? Normal? Yes.
I think normal is, yes. I think norm core, norm body. I think just being normal is in. Is that just because effort is out? No, effort is in. You don't want to be fat. You don't want to be obese and chunky. And you don't want to look... You don't want to look like... You know how in style you don't want to look like you tried too hard? Yeah. Yes.
The problem with being buff is that you permanently look like you've tried a lot, actually. It's hard to get buff. So when I see a guy on the beach that's buff, I'm like, you have not been working out your brain because you've been too busy working out your body.
I don't really judge a book based on its cover. You literally just did. You literally just did. But go on. No, no, no. I'm saying that that is a fact. I mean, to get buff, you have to work out, which means you have to spend at least an hour a day in the gym. Minimum. But to be truly buff, I think you're spending two hours a day.
To have bulging muscles, there's a difference between being fit and being buff.
I'm not buff. No, you're not buff, but you're fit. But I think to be buff, you are sitting in the gym for a lot of hours. And that means that you are valuing your vanity because you don't need to be buffed to be healthy. It means that it's vanity muscles.
And that means that you are sitting there working out when I'm out there in the streets learning, you know, talking to people, understanding life, understanding, you know, pondering existential crises and thoughts, trying to solve the world's greatest problems. And,
Starvation, war, homelessness, crime. Democracy in general, tax fraud, like how do I actually avoid paying taxes? That one's less existential. It's like the tax fraud that I can do myself. No, it's not fraud. It's just like how do I do the loopholes? I just want to be able to do the loopholes as well as the greatest loophole doers. Yeah. No, I agree. I agree.
I think that if other people are taking advantage of the loopholes, I also want to take advantage of the loopholes.
But I don't want to do anything illegal.
I think we forgot to talk about Jane Goodall.
She's truly incredible. I was so, I mean, she was so quiet. It was a really challenging episode for me because I was like, she's short and quiet. So I'm like, I'm literally the whole time I'm leaning in trying to hear what she's saying. And she was filled with great knowledge. But it was difficult. It was a really, it was probably one of the more difficult episodes I've ever done.
But of course, you know, it was an honor and a pleasure to meet the goat, one of the scientific goats of the universe. You know, it's kind of like, it's like having Stephen Hawking on Subway Takes, R.I.P.,
I'm also not going to lie. I will tell you this. Jane Goodall has been in contact with me after the episode. Oh, interesting. She slid in the DMs. We have kept in touch. She slid in the emails. Oh, professional. She's crossing the line a little bit. She was crossing the line a little bit. I love that. Dear Kareem, I'll read a little bit, just a little.
Yeah, just a snippet, you know, respect the privacy. Dear Kareem, meeting you and chatting on the subway was a highlight. What a great idea you had to make these meetings. That's all I'm going to give you.
And then she said her sign off is sending love. Oh,
No, dude. And then recently, um, I, her, her, like, you know, one of the people on her team, Mia, um, said, let's see here. She said like, Jane won't stop talking about you, something like that. So I'm in good standing with the team. But yeah, I mean, I was so happy that that episode turned out okay. Oh, literally it says this. P.S. She still has a major crush on you, Kareem.
I know.
Just changing the planet of apes. I mean, she was great. She was really funny and fun. She's never seen Jurassic Park, which I think is weird, though. That's the one weird thing about her. Yeah, that's crazy. Because I really think the Laura Dern character is based on her.
I think that she is probably protesting Jurassic Park because they obviously based that character on her and probably did not reach out.
She ain't got time for that shit.
I will say it's kind of like Substack using my image and likeness on the homepage of the App Store without my permission.
With my image and likeness.
Of course not.
But I guess the thing is, who would have thought? You know? Like, usually you don't need to read the terms and conditions because the terms are inconsequential to a regular, you know, civilian, right? But now that I'm talent, now that I'm talent, I should probably start reading the terms and conditions. Yeah, just send that to your lawyer. I should. I mean, I'm literally on the homepage.
Dude, if you type in Substack on the App Store, I'm the second image in the App Store.
Hey, dude, I'm downloading a new app. Every time I download a new app. Hey, dude, I'm going to need you to work this weekend because I'm downloading a new app. I actually downloaded an app for my baby yesterday and I didn't even read the terms and conditions. Fuck, dude.
that's great i gotta do that today but i can't why not what do you got going on today i'm in back-to-backs all day until about 1 30 and then i have to go record a podcast so at least i'll get out of the house a little bit from 1 30 to pretty much like five i'll be out of the house not bad where's where's the where's the recording on so far away 55th street Oh, are you going to drive?
No, I'm going to take the train because I'm sure parking up there is shit. Right on. And I can't afford congestion pricing anymore. It's $9, man. It's terrible. I know, but I also have to pay a toll. So for me, it's $15 to get into the city. Each way? No. Oh, yeah. But I think I have to pay the toll on the way home. I don't even remember anymore.
Like I found myself taking an Uber yesterday because I was just like, I mean, I'm going to pay fucking $40 anyway. I might as well just not, I might as well get some extra screen time.
This is incredible. What I think about New York, I think about the concrete jungle, which is very similar, maybe, to the regular jungle.
Well, on those days that we shoot, which we shot a lot yesterday. Yeah, it was a lot. I like don't get, I have to check, I literally have to check my emails and my texts and it, you know, it piles up and then all of a sudden I've got 140 texts and 45 unread emails. So I can't drive because I can't text and drive and I can't take the train because then I don't really have service.
So my only option, I mean, I do a lot of business. I do a lot of business.
I'm a businessman. So, I mean, I should... We should hire a driver. I know.
We've gone way past.
like done something here it has riz it has riz it has riz the show is very cool yeah i mean i think with i mean kate blanchett is really like the show has more riz than any other show it's crazy that's crazy that is a that is an a plus lister yeah she doesn't have she doesn't even have instagram
She's so sick.
Wait, are you on that email thread? Am I on it? Yeah.
Oh, then I guess I am on it.
Also, young Rami with the third camera angle.
I don't know if we should get the Rizzler on.
Yeah, those fellows, they're really taking advantage of the moment.
But I like the Rizzler, and I like his father, and I think the Rizzler deserves all the success in the world. He is a really enlightened kind of Buddha-esque figure, both literally and figuratively and metaphorically. The other guys, they're not for me. They're not. They're not for me. The Costco guys are not for me.
I don't think I'd have them on Subway Takes or Subway Takes Uncut or even just my personal Instagram or lunch. The Rizzler, I would lunch, dinner, breakfast. I'd have three meals a day with him. I would put him on Subway Takes. I'd put him on Subway Takes Uncut. I'd invite him to this podcast. Whatever this is.
Let's get him in here.
Yeah.
Okay. Okay, bye. Bye. Don't close the window. But I think you can stop every time. I just don't know how this works. Okay, hit this button.
He's producing it.
Who's acting as Jane?
100% agree. What do they got to do?
I forgot my flask. All right, we got it. Now let's get in the subway, all right? I forgot my flask. Did you bring a flask? Flask?
It's really hot in Africa. And so you use just fans.
Wow, that's incredible. So I have heard from various sources that You're a dog lady.
And as a cat person... And my son is a cat person. Does that cause conflict in the family?
Right.
Not a bit?
This jungle is very bad for the environment.
When you come to New York, what is your favorite food that you eat? Do you grab a slice of pizza or do you grab a hot dog? Oh, no, you don't grab hot dogs.
That's very spiritual. Are you a spiritual person?
You are?
Do you believe in God?
Has your relationship with God changed over the years, or has it remained consistently the same?
In the forest. In the forest. So to you, the God force is nature?
You do, but I don't think a lot of people do.
For some reason, as a culture, as a global culture, we have decided that animals are lesser than... That's right.
Yeah.
That's true. I don't think that it is a rat problem. I think that it's a rat... I don't think... It's not their problem. They're just living. They're vibing.
Yeah, it's biological. Survival. I read another interesting thing about you, which is that you potentially believe that there may be a Bigfoot or Sasquatch.
I'd probably say don't do your taxes. I'd say don't get a social security number.
Vote for nature. Vote for Mother Earth.
Have you been coming here for a long time?
All of you people, vote for your future.
Where'd you get that sign?
Thank you, Jeff Hurwitz, for the science. That's amazing.
Oh, his daughter made it. And it's all recycled materials.
That came from a dumpster?
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. You didn't even have to buy a piece of cardboard. Why would you buy cardboard?
We do.
Yeah, we must think about waste. We must think about pollution. We must think about how we transport ourselves.
Years and years and years and years. Yes.
We must think about the things that we're using that we don't need.
That's it. No.
100% agree. A lot of young people feel helpless and hopeless.
But that's not how they need to feel.
You're 90?
So what's your take? My take is, it has to do with restaurants. Waiters and restaurants. At some point in the modern era, I feel like waiters started to get trained by corporate consultants. And they started to say this one phrase that I find disgusting. And they say it. What is it? It's mostly kind of corporate restaurants that do it.
Oh, he sounds like a really good guy.
That's super nice. Can I ask you a question? Who do you think corrected him? Do you think he caught it later? He saw the show. He was like, oh, wait. Went to the Instagram page. He was like, oh, when's the episode going to go live? And he checked it. He was like, oh, shit. It says Subway Takes with Kareem Rama. I've been calling him sharing.
He's not doing bits with you is what you're saying.
He was like you. Was he asking you? I'm not that serious. I guess I'm sort of serious. You're pretty serious.
no no i like a respectful wise ass what else you got what else what other takes do you have the other take i had was similar to food which is that in movies or commercials i really do not like to see people eat at all i don't want to see like those carl jr commercials where like the hot girls like biting into a cheeseburger things are dripping out of it it's like
Right, right. You're like, I don't want to be the guy that's just a Subway guy.
Yeah, you're like the second most famous Subway guy after Jared. Who's Jared? Jared, footlong Jared. Jared, I lost half my bodice and now I have big pants.
No, I mean, that's... I do think he's... Like, you brought up...
I did, yeah. I guess he's probably still in jail. Anyways.
Because they were just like, oh, this is trash food or it was like fast food.
no no they were like it's a sandwich like we have sandwiches at home we have sandwiches at home yeah yeah but they don't have all the I mean who doesn't have lettuce yeah but you don't have all the other special things like oh do you want the jalapenos oh do you want the olives you don't have like 20 options for like additional flavorings at home you don't have that at home no one has that at home
I mean, I've honey mustard at home, but I don't have like twenty different toppings. That's crazy.
I don't know, man. There's probably like a three or four in the rotation. There's three or four. I literally just ate Jimmy John's this past weekend, which is crazy in Albany.
No, I'm not. I'm a Vito. I'm a Vito, actually.
Vito is more of like an Italian kind of sub situation.
I'm not walking around with like oil and vinegar in the crib. Not in the way that they do it.
There's a lot of work to leave the house to have to go get that stuff and bring it home. There's a lot of work.
Do you feel like that was a good life lesson? It's not a very abundance mindset. It's a very scarcity mindset. My dad's mindset or mine? Well, his, where he's like, oh, you got to load up. It's like, what if you don't want shrimp?
Look, my theory is that the Sifu Tower is the adult man's ordering bottle service at the club. Because everyone sees it come out. The Balthazar is so big. There should be sparklers. Girls can't bring it out. People should be clapping. Holding a sign, maybe. That is very good. It's like, oh my God, I spent $500 on seafood.
riley repelling i'm gonna 100 disagree with that really i like when i see people eat that's awful and that thing they do in all those cooking shows like i don't want to know no that's so you don't watch any cooking shows on tv no i mean cooking and then i like i literally like on those commercials come on i'll put my hand over the tv so i don't have to see the food going in the mouth whoa i know it's a weird thing what bothers you the most the mouth
Yeah. I've seen you, I've seen you not actually go out of your way to not even touch it.
you have yeah i have like when we get the balthazar you like you're like oh i'm good like i don't even want to like figure out how to divvy this up you guys can have more than your portion of clams or of every of clams like i i know actually it's funny because we've done this so many times i actually know what you dig into and i know the stuff that you avoid i'm like oh shit like cream doesn't really like the clams like this is a textural thing i don't know but do you eat the clams i do yeah i do i mean i think the clams are probably the the not the crowd favorite right
They're going to judge me that I'm not rolling deep.
It is.
Right. So she didn't view it as the flex that you hoped. You were looking for a validation, basically. Yeah.
So basically, everyone in your family thinks you're tacky. All right, go on.
Well, to be fair, you're picking up the entire tab, right? So you're not even divvying up. That's how well you're doing.
Yeah, when you just can pick up tabs and you don't even worry about how things are going to do. Well, bottom line is this, by the way. If you're doing really well, you're not even splitting the tab. You're just picking up the tab. You're not even trying to figure out.
It's just something about like, there's something disgusting about it. I don't know. It's also too intimate. You should do it in private. Yeah, well, you wouldn't stare in someone's mouth while they're eating at a table, right? How's everything tasting?
they pick up the whole tab yeah they pick up the whole thing no questions asked no they're just like not and this is a casual no special occasion no nothing nothing celebrating they're just like oh i got this i'm like okay but why are they doing that i don't know just because they're like it's faster just to get out of the restaurant or they just want to be generous i actually have no idea i've never asked
Yeah, of course. Well, that's just a way. If you didn't, that would make you uncivilized. A loser. Yeah. It would make you a loser. On the $4.50 takeout order, though, do you tip on that? Yeah, there's tip. But you're not tipping 20% on that, are you?
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah. When you got home, did you put it... Because I'm going to ask you this because it's a nice order you got. Do you put that on plates? and serve it up and display it so it's like a meal at home? Or are you just like, fuck it, I'm going to eat out of the container like an absolute savage? What do you do?
Oh, you door dashed this. I thought you went and picked it up yourself.
Yeah, what happened? You came back a few days early. I was actually very surprised by that.
That's the gripe for you is, yeah, no matter where you are in Miami, I guess you got to shell out. But the problem is everything is expensive. But if you go someplace else, it's just going to be boring. The people are going to, I guess, even worse. I don't know. Like, where is there good weather in the U.S. that the people aren't terrible? Virginia Beach. I've never been there.
I can't really comment. I've never been there. West Palm Beach. I've never been there. I've never been there either. I mean, you're still in Florida, right? It's kind of going to be the same vibe. Yeah, but Florida's tight. I guess. Florida's from there. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm going to the Caribbean in a couple days, so I'm excited for that. What are you going to do? Just chill, man.
chill vibe sounds boring so that's exactly that's what i'm looking for man there's where i'm going there's literally only two restaurants one does breakfast and dinner and the other one does lunch and that's it i'm gonna do that for four straight days same places same places i don't know i'm not where are you going i'm going to wait is it a resort no it's like a thing
Because it's kind of chill, man. I'm not going to lie.
I would go there. It's my kind of place. It's funny you say that. I was just talking to my dad on the phone. I was like, I'm going to Turks and Caicos. And then five minutes later he goes, wait, where did you say you're going? You're going to Turkey? I was like, no, dog. I'm not going to Turkey, man. I mean, he's right. He is right. He's always right. That's what I've learned in my old age.
Well, as a kid, I was kind of terrified of them, because my mom would be like, get your hand away from there, your coat will get caught, and then you'll be shredded.
Yeah, I did know that.
The specific island I'm going to is South Caicos.
Well, that'll be fun. That'll be fun. Are you bringing the child? Nah, it's just me and the lady. A little babymoon action. That's nice. Hopefully we don't have to come back early the way you guys did. Apparently, you guys come back early on a lot of trips is what I realized. Do we? Yeah, I don't know. You guys came back early from Cuba, came back early from Florida.
That makes sense. No child left behind unless you're Kareem's daughter.
Podcasts won't be around when she's 21. What's going to happen when she turns 21? What are they going to be listening to? Some fucking new shit. Oh, that sounds exciting.
Potentially. I mean, look, are we all getting to the point where content is just going to be zapped into your brain and there's no listening, there's no headphones, there's no screens, maybe? Who knows? Exactly. That's kind of dystopian, though. I don't want to think about that.
don't know i don't know that's what i'm gonna sound like when i'm 150 they're like oh man fucking kareem's washed and old i'm gonna be 150 well that sounds uh dude i don't want to live that long man you actually want that i don't want that I don't want that.
Yeah, it seems possible.
Yeah, that was exciting. I think it's good. Yeah, dude, what's his face? He really cleaned up. He won everything. Sean Baker. Yeah, he literally won everything.
wasn't it best original screenplay too did he also write it direct best writer best director best editor and then the last thing is um I don't know it doesn't say here
I've seen a couple of little kids get pretty close to wiping out. But there's no room to suck you into the gears, right? They would just kind of like slowly churn you at the top. Here. Is this the right way? I don't know if we went the right way. Oh, we got to go back downstairs. We got to go back downstairs. So have you ever eaten in a movie? No, that's another thing I find...
By the way, to get best editor on top of that, that's the one that's so impressive. Editing is sick. It's so hard. He's like Anthony.
I'm sure. It's a big win for indie cinema. It is a big win. That's what everyone says. Everyone's going to start a production company.
I'll be honest, I actually didn't watch it. Did you watch the Oscars? I watched a number of hours. Including like the red carpet stuff or just the ceremony?
Who do you think was dressed the most swaggy?
But it's like, they come up to the table after they serve you food, you start to eat. And then they go, how's everything tasting? Yeah. 100% agree. Right?
You kind of bullied me into doing it. I mean, you needed it. Yeah, yeah. You needed it. Yeah, also it's funny. We were talking about it. I guess people don't know who I am, but I'm Andrew.
And me and Karim created this show called Subway Takes. And it makes sense now, I guess, to have an Instagram handle for that very reason. Right? That's the only reason why. I've got seven followers, which I think is pretty big. I mean, you're a producer. I'm a producer. I should probably get a picture. Maybe I'll get a picture. Should I put my picture on there?
Oh, just the avatar? The gray avatar? Yeah. That's not bad.
I do have a picture of my desk, but I don't have a picture of myself. Oh, no, no, no.
How many followers do you think I can get in a month? I think a lot. How does that work? You're the mastermind behind this operation. How do I get more followers?
By the way, how long have we been recording for? We're trying to get this to... Oh, we're done. Are we done? We're more than done. It's 28 minutes. Okay, and so the John C. Reilly episode is like 12? That's not... How many minutes do you want? I think podcasts are 40 minutes or something. So that would be around 40 minutes. We got it. Is there anything else we want to add? I don't think so.
I'm kind of bummed to be missing out on the shoots this week, actually. We have good shoots coming up. Really good shoots. And I really want to see what this sort of new format of Subway Takes Uncut looks like.
No, that's what I'm excited about. I want to see it when the magic happens. And I'm only going to be able to see it in the post.
Am I? I'm not trying to. How much closer do I need to get to this microphone?
This feels so aggressive. It's so close to my face.
Yeah, but that... Is that comfortable for 30 minutes to be completely stationary like this?
I mean, I tried it. You mean like when you're watching a movie at the theater?
Yeah. I think you have a better setup than me. I just have this like lonely stand and you've got like this crazy dynamic.
So I just hold it like this.
I should have been doing this the whole time. Is this sound better?
Well, I'm glad we did get better equipment. This is so much better, I think, for the listener. Last week was rough.
Yeah. By the way, you remember when Dale was like, oh, I think the audio is corrupted. Can you guys figure out what happened with the file? And he's like, oh, wait, I looked at the video that came with the audio file and it's just because Kareem is recording the episode while he's laying on his bed crunched up. He's like, oh, wait, that's why the audio is terrible.
All right. What's a call about?
Oh, right on.
And I feel bad. And you know what's even worse is watching people brush their teeth on camera. Okay, I don't like that at all. I hate it. I think that's disgusting. And some people really, some actors really relish it. Like they get into it like in their gums and shit. Like I just don't want to see that. I don't want to see that either. I see you're wearing this nice suit. Thank you.
Yeah, for sure. What's Amoletto, by the way?
Got it.
And how long is the cut for... It's long. It's like 30 minutes. Oh, so you guys... It's like a real thing. Maybe 25 minutes. Okay.
Is Johnny happy with the outcome?
Yeah, you're on the internet.
Just hit you up.
You're going to be a really fun, famous person. Like when you're famous, famous.
Yeah, in a cool way. Because you'll be like a chill guy about it, I think.
Yeah, you're just going to pop up in places and you're just having fun all the time.
You're going to be a Joe's Crab like every day.
Okay.
See you.
I'm excited for it, man. Please don't email me. Don't text me. I won't. Don't CC me on anything.
Oh, I can't close the app after, right? That corrupts the whole thing?
Okay, just end and then it uploads or something. Wait, what button? Is it this button? Okay, bye.
What's up with that? Well, I have to do some other press appearances today, Shareem, so... And you decided... I would have worn something a little cooler for you. No, no, you look awesome. And what about the hat? Are you a hat guy? I am a hat man. You're a hat man? Yeah. A hat man. It's kind of an actor cliche to be into hats, but I am.
I would rather be overdressed than underdressed. Yeah. And I think there's been kind of a thing that's happened somehow in the world. Like, if you look at photographs from, like, the 1940s, like, every man has a suit, a tie, and a hat on. And granted, maybe that was a little oppressive for them at the time. But now it's gone the other way.
Like, you get in an airplane, and, like, someone's literally in their pajamas.
I'm like, get out of my fucking mouth. This is an intimate space. I don't want you to ask about how things are tasting. How is everything? You like, how is everything? Yeah, it's fine. You like, how's everything going? Yeah, it's good to check in. Can I get you anything? Yeah. That's okay. Or even, you know, is everything good? But the other really annoying one is, how are the first bites? Oh.
Right?
You're in public. When I travel, you know what I wear?
there you go if I'm going to LA a jacket if I'm going to Rome you wore a suit today too I wear a suit everyday I think it's cool to wear a suit I like to wear a suit when I'm not going to work yeah and then people are like why are you wearing a suit I'm like I like it yeah cause you like you have self esteem you know listen I'm a feminist I'm a ride or die feminist that's good but the yoga pants have got to stop the yoga pants have got to go for yoga class great
But out on the street, I don't know. It just seems like it's an extension of the pajamas on the plane. I agree. I'm glad you're comfortable, but I don't know. Can't we all just make an effort a little bit?
Right, like a taxi driver in Rome is going to have a sweater vest. Yeah, a nice one. Or something, and a buttoned shirt underneath that. Tell me about the new show. Oh, my new show is called Mr. Romantic. It's a beautiful name. And it's kind of like my character from Chicago, the musical Mr. Cellophane. But it's all about...
I realized like the world needs more empathy and I decided it was going to start with me. And so I made this show called Mr. Romantic. He's like this mythical character comes out of a steamer trunk. And tries to fall in love with someone in the audience so that he doesn't have to go back into the steamer truck. Like a genie. Kind of like a genie, but like a genie desperate for love.
That's beautiful. And it's been going great. I sing all these really romantic songs.
How long have you been singing? Well, if you saw Chicago the Musical. I didn't. I didn't. Well, Oscar thought I was a pretty good singer. I was nominated for an Oscar for that movie.
You know, I have a really short shelf life for my own films. I watch them once, and then I'm done.
One and done. No. Actually, they had a screening of that recently, and I watched it for charity with Will. So I've seen that one twice.
And then in Step Brothers... I don't know how buff I am. Yeah, you're buff. In that movie, you're really buff. I'm gnarly in that one. Yeah, to me, comedy and drama are the same thing, really. It's just the circumstances of what you're doing change. If the circumstances are ridiculous and you're acting serious, then you're in a comedy. But what I do is pretty much the same.
I just try to go to that place of truth and honesty. The more you double down on truth and honesty for a ridiculous concept, the funnier it gets.
You'd have to ask Steve that, but yeah.
I was an executive producer on that show, and I think it's one of my finest achievements.
Yeah, I guess Steve would probably like more friends. He just has Denny. But... But that's how you get in touch with Steve, actually. You have to fax Denny, and then Denny pages Steve. And it takes a long time. And then the doc shows up. He's kind of an elusive character, yeah. What's the last movie you saw? The last movie I saw was Anora. Great film. Yeah, I really loved it. Fantastic film.
What the hell is that? How are the first bites?
Come on, you knew that Russian guy was going to let you down. Wait, which one? The party boy. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I mean, he seemed really sweet and genuine, and maybe he would have had the strength if the henchman didn't come for him. Oh, this is my stop. Well, this is your stop, too. I have one more hot take.
I mean, hot takes is like another way of saying complaints. No, they don't have to. This is also a complaint, which is leaf blowers. They've become the bane of our existence. Leaf blowers. Leaf blowers. You like good old-fashioned rakes. People used to use rakes. It used to be much quieter.
And now there's this epidemic where you're not a good housekeeper unless you've got dudes outside using gas-powered... This I 100% agree with.
That's the number one rule of parenting. Never wake a baby. Never wake a sleeping baby. Well, I'll let you go. I got to go. You got to go? I do too, yeah. Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
Yeah, it's a hard labor job. Did I bring frazzled energy to the session? Is that what's happening?
And what's out of 10? I haven't had a chance to listen to it.
Well, can I ask you, do you think Isabel actually exists or is it just like a thing, his muse? No, she's definitely real. She's definitely real.
Yeah, is it empowering? I guess it's sort of empowering, right? Just live your truth.
Well, even if the restaurant wasn't about personality and vibe, at least you would have a personal connection with the person who was serving the food, right? They would have a genuine interaction with you. Like, look at you, see what's going on with you, and give some kind of organic response. Not a pre-programmed line... How's everything tasting?
No, yeah. Well, I mean, ladyboys is not the right term, obviously, right? In 2025, we're not, you can't say that.
Yeah, that feels specific to that culture, though. I think in, I don't know, in the post-Trump,
How much closer do I need to get?
Why do you think I have to move my bodice? Because the table doesn't get any closer than this. How's this?
This sure is the worst designed product. Should we start all over again? What's happening?
Well, this is the new shit, and they put too much technology in it, and now it's hard to use.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't you think it's quite funny? I thought it was funny. I thought it was really funny when he kept on calling you Shereem.
Yeah. I've seen Kareem.
I kind of think you look like a Shurim. That's fucked up. I mean, you could be a Shurim.
I mean, our editor caught it and was like, oh, do you want to keep this in the episode?
And my son's like totally goof on me all the time now because we'll be having a great meal, you know, sitting at a restaurant and then the person will double back for the tasting and I'll go, my son's always like sort of cracking up. Those are good sons though. Those are good sons because they make fun of you. Exactly. Right?
So what's your take?
Yo, tell me about the boots. This is very interesting. Look, because this is kind of a Tim vibe. Yeah. It's a Timberland vibe, but with the cowboy boots.
So this is the new shit, you think?
I mean, it's fresh. Yeah. It's very interesting. Yeah. I'm an interesting cat. You are an interesting cat? Oh, speaking of cats, you just got a dog.
He was not with you for three and a half years? Yeah, he wasn't with us. Was he locked up?
Wait, I need to know this. So you had a dog three and a half years ago? Yeah. And you left him with a sitter?
And he ran away from the sitter?
Yeah. You couldn't even believe it, huh, when they called you?
I didn't know where my dog was at. What did that feel like? What did that feel like when they called you?
Adventures with Crash is a great name.
Would you rather be able to speak all the human languages of the world, Arabic, Spanish, Italian, French, or would you rather be able to just talk to animals?
So you'd speak English, but animals?
Do you think that humans have lost their divine soul?
What are you feeling lost about these days?
Everybody's looking for a purpose.
He did it. That's magic. That's the reason why you get up so early.
Do the Right Thing.
We should reactivate it. We should. Who's in your favorite group chat right now?
And so that group chat is your favorite group chat? Yeah, it's my favorite group chat. Y'all be sending memes in there?
Oh, dope. Toy being. Big life. Toy being. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Are you in the group chat? Oh, yeah. I'm in the group chat all day. Who's the best memer? Who sends the best memes? Who sends the fire? It's got to be Anthony. She throws the funny stuff in there. She does? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is going on there? Just ideas, creation, division. Oh, all right. That's what goes on in there.
And philosophy. That's why it's called sewerism. Sewerism. Yeah. Y'all believe in Ninja Turtles?
Everything and nothing? Yeah. Like the pyramids of Egypt?
I do not.
I feel like you're like really, like you got your heads in the clouds. What that mean? Like you're really thinking about not this. You're not on this spiritual plane. You're in a different spiritual plane.
You're on the soul plane.
That's Eddie Murphy.
You're a pescatarian?
You ever had a vegan glizzy?
Would you ever eat a glizzy in front of your friends? Yeah. You would? Some people say that that's haram.
I didn't know Jadakiss said that. Yeah. That's tight. Well, anything else you want to talk about? Let's talk about you. Okay. What do you want to know?
I just had a baby. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. So I've been trying to be a better father. How's that going? It's pretty good.
Like, I don't really hang out. You used to hang out a lot? Not a lot, but I used to hang out a little bit.
What do you think happened? Why'd they make all the movies white?
We gotta save the animals. I make music too. I make rock and roll.
You do rock and roll? Oh, hell yeah. Where's the A&Rs at? Because I make rock and roll. They're right here. You're the A&R? Yeah. Can I send you a link? Of course. To my SoundCloud? Yes. I make rock and roll for real for real. Let's do it. Me too. New York shit. Come on, New York. Underbelly. Wait, am I promoting my shit or are you promoting your shit?
No worries if not the EP, Kareem Rahman, Tiny Gun. Yo, you never promoted your shit on your show? Not yet. What's wrong with you?
Yeah, let's go down there.
What's the one where he plays the pigeon man? The ninja pigeon. Oh, Ghost Dog, I think. Yeah, Ghost Dog. That's fire. I got to watch that one. All right, bro. I got to go. My guy. Good to see you. Thanks a lot. I'll send you a link. Let's do it. All right. Thank you.
Look at this.
So what's your take? This is a note to all restaurants. Stop singing happy birthday to adults. 100% disagree. I'm sorry. I want it. No, no. If you're at a Mexican restaurant and you're making adults sing to you, it's embarrassing for everybody. They're getting paid for it. No, no, no. They're getting paid.
He has to change himself. Let's just say that. He has to put on different clothes and makeup. He has to be a different person.
And then the son is like, oh, that guy's awesome. Actually, Mrs. Doubtfire, that's the true Rorschach test of what type of person are you. Are you pro-Robin Williams or are you anti-Robin Williams in that movie? Yeah. It's a real Rorschach test. I don't think I could have a... Of like, hey, are you chill or not?
kareem run it by people you'd be shocked how many people in act one are like yeah yeah he should be left he should be left you know i've gotten into full debates i've gotten into full debates where people are like they're like no no what sally field was asking was for consistency and i was like when in your life has your dad brought you a fucking zoo You know, in Islam, intention is everything.
We start with intention. What was his intention? Joy. Joy. Pure, unbridled joy. Which, again, as we know, in our dear faith, a smile is sunnah. How many smiles are happening when there's a lava running through your house? How many city ordinances this guy is breaking through just to make his kids happy? You're a basketball fan? Love basketball. Who's your favorite team?
Every time you sing to a grown adult, it sounds like you're talking to me in italics. I feel embarrassed when they sing. Okay, I feel embarrassed too. Yeah, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed. It's different when you're a kid. For a child, it's affirming. Yes. No, but see, they're children. They deserve, we should sing happy birthday to them. It's not even their birthday.
Sacramento Kings, unfortunately. Because you're from California? I'm from Northern California. Grew up in Davis, yes. And you play basketball? I'm a Hooper, yeah. Are you good? You're tall. I'm decent. Could I beat you? Yes.
No. Asking someone, are you good, is a loaded question. Am I civilian good? Am I like West Forth pickup? With the dude in khakis and... Would you? Like, dress pants and... That should be a show, by the way.
The court. The court, yeah. Or hoops. Yeah, hoops.
Like when they slam dunk, it's like... But, okay, have you ever played pickup? There's always one person who's like straight up in dress slacks and dress shoes, a white Oxford shirt, just balling. He's just fire. He has a briefcase, just got off work. Well, I'm not going to say... I've had many instances with those people, but they are ungovernable. That's the truth.
Like, they don't abide by any rules. A white oxford shirt playing outdoor pickup basketball on freshers is nasty work.
The person I'm referring to is a very specific character.
Strongly disagree. Arm sleeve is cool. Arm sleeve is cool. You just want to disagree?
You just want to disagree with me? Well, as I've gotten older, I'm like, that level of commitment to anything I respect, you know, to be, you know, in your mid-40s and have to suit up like Batman. I think that's uncool. Anything that involves that. That's superhero level prep, you know what I mean?
No.
Like, you lost me at... Okay, so first of all, we have to set up the premise. First of all, number one, for those of you that don't know, djinn are basically spirits, ghosts, demons, the chupacabra, some sort of apparition, right? Yeah. They can be good and or bad. They're like humans. I'm going to side with... I'm going to lean towards, just to be safe...
I feel scared to even ask you what you did. Like, I'm scared. Like, how did I do it?
Just go on Reddit. We don't want to know.
That's crazy. That's crazy. Don't you want to experience it? Bro, you have too much free time. You have too much free time. It doesn't take that long. By the way, this is where I know you are a comic deep down. Your desire to subvert expectation is crazy. I wasn't doing it for material. Yeah, but this is, I'm not going to lie, this is the most Caucasian thing you could possibly do. It really is.
Subbing the underworld? Like, that is... Bro, the mayo is messy right now. Like, we do not fuck with the underworld. Leave it alone.
Okay. So I get they told me not to, but then why did you have to make the spirit partake in sexual acts with you?
They're just running around. They're running on bucking the streets. Yes, they're gallivanting through the streets of New York. They deserve to be saying happy birthday too. To be an adult and be like, it's my day, you should be sent to Abu Ghraib. So that's my first thing. Okay, let them cook. My second thing... I hope to God that I agree with you on this one.
The spiritual realm. Okay.
And apparitions of jinn and ghosts, etc. Yeah. And is now, we have now descended into a conversation about consent.
Don't mess with Jen, and I stand on business on that statement.
Yeah, but you also... Do you do the Arab version? The Hasan? Yeah, give me some Han. Yeah, Hasan. Hasan. What's next for me is Off With His Head is streaming now on Netflix. My new stand-up comedy special. Off With His Head. Off With His Head. Why are you calling it that?
This is my third special. The first one was called Homecoming King. Second one was King's Jester. Off With His Head.
It's like Star Wars. It just felt like, you know what I mean? It's like Star Wars. Kind of. Yeah. It's beautiful. Where they did like five, six, and seven. Or was it six, seven, eight? No, they went backwards. Yeah. They started, I think it was episode, was it four, five, six? Four, five, six. Yeah, yeah. They go episode four, five, six, and they're like, it's episode one.
Starting at episode four is wild.
No one would ever do that today. Imagine being like, you have a series. And you're like, hey, I'm doing a screening of the pilot at the Roxy. We all show up and it's episode four. And you go, you have two choices, keep up or keep up.
Do you think it's true? No, this is the same way I've heard. Depending on what part of the world you're from, we invented math. There's a lot of people out here claiming math.
I could bring a Chinese friend and be like, stop. Get a Chinese friend over here. Get a Chinese friend.
I disagree. I just feel like it can get racist really fast. I think you can get raises really fast. I think you're right.
I think you're right.
We need to eliminate office birthday cards. 100% agree. Okay? You know when they're passing it around and they're like, oh, it's Carol's birthday. Don't show her. Don't show her.
Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza? No.
I agree. I agree with you. Yeah, and I actually think, I mean, personal favorite, like, shout-out to every single dollar-slice spot out here beating inflation.
What is it now? $125,000.
We all have a drawer. Come on, dude. Stop.
Before you leave the house, you're like, oh, I may need some quarters for my parking meter today. Whether it's $125 or $150, we're safe. You think that's fine? That's fine. That's fine. Outside clothes on the bed are okay. That's wild. I saw that. That's insane. That's absolutely batshit. You know, I agreed with that guy. Yeah, man. I mean, you're losing your moral center here.
I'm becoming whiter by the day. No, no, no, but to drag in, you're just like subway, piss stain, hepatitis C infested. Jacket. Jacket.
No, that's insane. That's insane. I'm going to look at my phone. Get down to your undershirt. Minimum. Get down to your undershirt. I think this is like your sweat jacket.
This is your cardio sweat jacket. Whatever's underneath that, whether it's a white Hanes tank top or like a t-shirt, that and all I'm asking for is a pair of basketball shorts. From like 10th grade.
Great. You know how you have like a chair? You know how everyone has like a desk and a chair? Lay your outside clothes there. I'm not even going to say fold them and put them away. I'm just like you. I'm not cleaning. I think you can have an outside clothes pile. But the fact that people are just straight up taking denim on a bed. Just from a texture perspective. I'm not going to bed.
You think I'm going to sleep? Okay, the fact that there's people in this country that will wear raw, salvaged denim on a bed, okay? He doesn't. But then be like, gazpacho, ew, the texture and temperature. That's insane. The lack of, I mean...
She could give a fuck about everyone's Greyhound bus stall scribble. Also, I don't like Cheryl. I don't like her at all. I don't want to write in her car, though. So I'm going to write like... Who's getting off on HBD exclamation point?
Okay?
That's my take on therapy. Okay. Okay, moving on. Let's do this one. The fact that you agreed on outside clothes inside of bed. Bro. Bro, I'm white. I'm not. Egyptians are white.
Or you're other. I think it was Asian Pacific Islander for a long time. That's not even accurate. You're not Asian Pacific Islander. I'm part of the Asian subcontinent. India's part of the Asian subcontinent. But I thought Asian Pacific Islander meant Hawaii. It feels that way. Definitely when you say Asian Pacific Islander, it feels like a Hawaiian shirt.
I literally thought it was Hawaiian this whole time. Yeah. It's not? No. Are you sure you're checking the right box? No, no, no. It's not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Asian Pacific Islander is not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Are you sure you're not checking the right box? AAPI, Asian Pacific Islander, somehow includes, like, Asian Pacific Islander, according to the U.S.
Census, is essentially, like, what Genghis Khan thought. Oh, wait. I gotta go. This is my stop. This is your stop? Yeah. Oh, shit. See ya. Bye. Bye.
16, I was going to say. Or 18, maybe.
We'll give 16 to the whites. Sweet 16, you guys get that. 16 to 80? I'm saying for us. For us beige folk, we get 0 to 15. Other people get the sweet 16. 16 to 80? Nothing. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be invited. You can't invite me to it.
Just two moms.
Okay, that's a good take. I like that. Okay, then 16 to 80, no birthdays. At all. The moment you turn 80, every year we're doing your birthdays are back. Oh, okay. 90, starting at 90, we do half birthdays. Or we just call them alive days. Like you're still trucking. But the fact that there's like 47-year-olds that are like, everyone meet me in the Bahamas. Fuck you.
Get out of here. It's embarrassing for the staff? No, they like it. They hate it. This is why you're a content creator. They fucking hate it. No, they don't. It's embarrassing to them? It's embarrassing to other patrons at the restaurant, and it's embarrassing to the person whose birthday it is.
Kareem, you come out with these bouncy boingy curls. I swear, I don't wash my face. Kareem, you come out here with these beautiful curly sulaks. Why are you flipping this on me all of a sudden?
They don't want to know about my hair because this hair is all natural. All right, I'll just say this. I think there's been big propaganda that's been pushed by the shampoo lobby telling people to over shampoo and condition their hair.
I bring this news from my grandparents and my culture and my heritage. Let that oil cook. Let it cook. Let it cook. Let it bake. Let it marinate. Because people who are shampooing every day. Oh, you're just. Destroying. You're destroying all the natural minerals and resources. And resources. You're talking about it like it's the Middle East. You're destroying the natural... Yeah, barrel of oil.
You know how they talk about the barrel of oil, right? Air is an allegory? Yeah, don't just... You don't want to do that?
No, I don't even condition. I don't condition. I shampoo, I shampoo, do a condition... Like, after... I gotta do something strenuous. I gotta be like, I gotta come off a... Basketball court. Basketball court. Or just like a Southwest flight landing in LaGuardia. I'm like, yo, shit is grimy. Everything's grimy. So I'll do a full shampoo in condition. But natural?
I'll come out the shower, do a little towel dry, put a little bit of like coconut oil or a little bit of pomade. We're getting the really good stuff right now. We're getting really good stuff. Put it in. Okay. Let it rot. Okay. Then let nature do its course. Let nature run its course. Don't go out, though. Don't go out. Oh, you have to stay in the house. Just chill. Just vibe.
You've got to let it marinate. Let it cook. Let it cook. I don't believe that you— Fire up Hulu. Watch Shogun. Let it cook a little bit. Go to sleep. Right? Oh, this is nighttime? Nighttime, yeah.
I am not doing like a— You don't do the morning shower? No, no, no. I'm not doing like an 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. I do a morning shower, but I won't— You do both. I won't touch the— I won't touch up top.
Do you have any pets? No, bro. You almost said yes. This is the most offensive thing you could ask me. Why? You know it's mostly pro-cat, anti-everything else. So do you have any cats? We have no cats. You have no cats? We have no cats. I have kids, but I have no cats. Well, what do the kids play with?
They have Legos, they have toys.
You guys, growing up in your house, you guys had animals?
But he was pro-animal. You guys are Egyptian, right?
The Oakley's on. I don't know if you're fucking with me. I can't tap into your sincerity.
So Baba was okay with this? Mama was okay with this?
How did you get this bill passed through Congress?
Right. He could see the vision. He's like, pets have better health care.
You walk home to these just... Yeah, they greet me.
When people come over, are you torturing the animals?
You're on a train. You're making grown adults sing to you because you're 43 years old? What's the problem with it?
Dude, you're wild. You are counterculture. You are wild.
Yes. Super disrespectful. We love cats. We do love cats. Yeah, we do love cats.
That's wild.
How does your brother feel about this?
Got it. Yeah, you're supposed to do this with one of your children and be like, my son's middle name is Mustafa in honor of my brother.
How is it different? That's less humiliating. What? Bro. The guy's in your mouth. I just turned 39. They sang me happy birthday. Like, I was in the office, like five people brought out a cookie. Your office is not a restaurant. A restaurant, it's worse. It's worse. Hey, are you offended if someone sings? Do you feel bad when they sing happy birthday to you? Hell no. At a restaurant? This is crazy.
Bro, I'm not good about it.
Yeah, yeah.
They need some work. Yeah, they need some work.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to. Here's the fucking thing. You thought about it. $500 is a low price. Yeah. Brother. Yeah, but I was about to be like, do you have it in cash? Isn't that weird? The fact that if he had it in, like, crisp $100 bills, I was really considering it. Do you still feel when you hold money, do you ever feel like it's dangerous? I still feel that way. Like you're going to spend it?
Yeah, like when I hold a $20 bill, I'm like, I could get candy with this. You could what? I could get candy with this. What? You don't feel the thrill of danger? Dude, I saw that... Your parents were immigrants, right? Yeah. You don't feel the thrill of, like, I can do anything I want with this? When I have $20. Yeah, when you have, like... Well, now, $50 is a new $20. I need, like, $60.
Yeah, I know, $50 is a new $20. But, like, if I actually hold currency, like real USD, from the U.S. Mint, yeah, bro.
It just kind of means like, I'm fully committed. You're pop committed. Yeah, and I've accepted the iTunes user agreement. Full acceptance. Full commitment.
Well, if you're part of the Abrahamic faith, shout out to all the Abrahamic faiths, we're essentially PS3. We're iOS 16. Well, let's keep it PlayStation. Let's keep it to my area. PlayStation 1, obviously. Judaism. Yes. Dope. Shout out to the Torah. Shout out to the Talmud. PS2, Christianity. PS3 just combined it all. This is the best system. Yeah, and we're backwards compatible. That's true.
Yeah, we're like, oh, you guys, yeah, same. Yeah, we mess with the Bible. Yeah, PS3. You want me to play Gran Turismo 1? I can do it. And PS3 games. Yes, of course. So if you want me to play like NBA 2K14, sure. But if you also want to play, you know, Metal Gear Solid 1, I'll rock with that. We can rock with it. Yeah. When did you get your first PS PlayStation? I got a PlayStation 1.
I got a PlayStation 1, 9th grade. Were you a gamer? A little bit. Are you still a gamer? Nah. You're not a gamer? I have a choice. Either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my children grow up. You're like, either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my shows. Well, do you ever do this? Do you ever do this?
You go, like, hey, am I going to watch The Sopranos or am I going to watch my childhood?
You have to give me, yeah.
Bro, I'm a funny dad. Funny dad? Yeah, I'm super fun, too. I'm a good dad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I fuck up. I actually fuck up order. Oh, you cause chaos. Yeah, governance and rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the wife is a little more... Bro, I'm Mrs. Doubtfire. You know what I'm saying? I come in and it's fun and games. I'm the opening scene in Mrs. Doubtfire. Remember where there's like a zebra and there's pets? Oh yeah, the zoo. And Sally Fields is like, what's going on?
Yeah, I'm that. That's so nice. Yeah, remember when Robin Williams has his hat backwards?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kareem Rahma speaking, the host of Subway Takes. So what's your take? Yeah, that show. I'm here to tell you some pretty cool news. We are launching a podcast. That's right. We are launching a gosh darn podcast right here wherever you're listening to this little trailer. The first show we're launching is called Subway Takes Uncut, and it's exactly what it sounds like.
It is Subway Takes Uncut. It is longer interviews with your favorite guests all taking place on the train. Every episode starts with, so what's your take? And then I have no idea where they're going to take us. But... It is a fun, crazy, zany, wild, interesting show. So tune in on the TalkHouse network wherever you listen to pods. And I got to catch the train, so I'll see you around.