Katriona O'Sullivan

I felt like my body was out of control.

I wrote about the second birth because I actually felt I understood at some points during that what my body, my body was made for.

Not everybody's body is made for, but I had this real strong power of being a woman and being able to birth a child and be in control of it.

However...

You know, I've seen so many front covers of like pregnant women with this perfect bump with no stretch marks, Brendan.

Like I'd already had a massive baby, John, when I was 16.

And like I did this overhang of skin.

And I just have this memory of me looking down and going, I'm never going to be on the front cover of anyone.

The state of me as a pregnant woman, despite the fact, yeah, so them thoughts, the chatter, chatter, chatter of body critical thinking was always there.

But I actually think that chatter came from what happened to me when I was small, Brendan.

It wasn't just, it was like the critique, the things that happened to me as a little girl.

actually became this loud, critical voice that latched onto anything.

So the uncomfortableness in my body because of what I'd been through turned into this loud, critical voice.

It latched onto society, the messages of the world, and it was like, that's what's wrong with you.

If you can fix that, you can be better.

Yeah, so yeah, my last, I used to drink in a pub called the Blue Lion on Parnell Street, which isn't the nicest pub I've ever been in my life.

I don't think you'd be going there quite often if you have a lot of respect for yourself.

For me, for me particularly, like it was one of them old school men pubs that was full of smoke and smiled away because the toilet doors were open.

It was full of men.

And I've just this vivid, my self-esteem was so low, Brendan.