Kiana

Nobody's listening, right? Hi, Andy.

Nobody's listening, right? Hi, Andy.

You might have body dysmorphia. Yeah.

You might have body dysmorphia. Yeah.

Okay, I'll be quiet now. Carry on.

Okay, I'll be quiet now. Carry on.

I find the whole story interesting. Okay, okay. I wouldn't want you to skip over the interesting part of how you found out. Carry on.

I find the whole story interesting. Okay, okay. I wouldn't want you to skip over the interesting part of how you found out. Carry on.

Razon?

Razon?

Your head is like the Beetlejuice. But you do have a, your nose is bigger.

Your head is like the Beetlejuice. But you do have a, your nose is bigger.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

How many calls do you think?

How many calls do you think?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ah, yes.

Ah, yes.

This does not stink of integrity.

This does not stink of integrity.

My mom...

My mom...

And that's fine.

And that's fine.

Every Catholic church in Boise.

Every Catholic church in Boise.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say exactly how you said this outrageous lie.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say exactly how you said this outrageous lie.

Now, I think where you went wrong is using the word rumor.

Now, I think where you went wrong is using the word rumor.

It has a negative connotation.

It has a negative connotation.

How old is Babs, do you think?

How old is Babs, do you think?

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, don't question the rules.

Yeah, don't question the rules.

Oh, like cats in the round in London.

Oh, like cats in the round in London.

First time I saw it.

First time I saw it.

Oh.

Oh.

You went to your mom's graduation?

You went to your mom's graduation?

Oh, I fucking love a potato. You do? I love leeks, and I don't even know that I've ever cooked with them.

Oh, I fucking love a potato. You do? I love leeks, and I don't even know that I've ever cooked with them.

What about the sermon?

What about the sermon?

Okay, because actually now that you're saying this, I'm thinking, like, I believe there's part of the consecration where our priest would also turn his back to us and face – Our Lord and Savior on the cross. But I might be making that up. It's been a minute. But the consecration is basically the preparation of the, as you called it, crackers and wine. Yeah.

Okay, because actually now that you're saying this, I'm thinking, like, I believe there's part of the consecration where our priest would also turn his back to us and face – Our Lord and Savior on the cross. But I might be making that up. It's been a minute. But the consecration is basically the preparation of the, as you called it, crackers and wine. Yeah.

Where it's talking about, you know, Jesus's body and blood and blah, blah, blah. And how when you accept that, like you're accepting Jesus into your life. Got it.

Where it's talking about, you know, Jesus's body and blood and blah, blah, blah. And how when you accept that, like you're accepting Jesus into your life. Got it.

Oh, you would like leeks.

Oh, you would like leeks.

Interesting.

Interesting.

For your mother. For your hard of hearing mother.

For your mother. For your hard of hearing mother.

Yeah, but you know, you love cauliflower.

Yeah, but you know, you love cauliflower.

Generous of spirit.

Generous of spirit.

Oh, it would be so fun and funny.

Oh, it would be so fun and funny.

And you love onions, grilled onions and stuff like that.

And you love onions, grilled onions and stuff like that.

Okay.

Okay.

Don't you dare go and get the body and blood.

Don't you dare go and get the body and blood.

And it's like suddenly you have like a red, you know, the red A on your bottom. Everyone looks at you and is like, you're not one of us.

And it's like suddenly you have like a red, you know, the red A on your bottom. Everyone looks at you and is like, you're not one of us.

Oh, this little guy.

Oh, this little guy.

Yeah. Speaking of little guy. Yeah. Sorry. This is all great and I'm glad you got to the bottom of it.

Yeah. Speaking of little guy. Yeah. Sorry. This is all great and I'm glad you got to the bottom of it.

I think you would love leeks.

I think you would love leeks.

Sorry you had that interaction with Barbara.

Sorry you had that interaction with Barbara.

She didn't know that you were a man of such integrity. Had she known, she would have spoken to you with a little bit more respect.

She didn't know that you were a man of such integrity. Had she known, she would have spoken to you with a little bit more respect.

Oh, this is why they're not answering their phone. They're like, every other call is about the rumor that's going around. Do you think that she was in the church at that moment and the Jesus up on the cross looked down at her and goes, he's lying?

Oh, this is why they're not answering their phone. They're like, every other call is about the rumor that's going around. Do you think that she was in the church at that moment and the Jesus up on the cross looked down at her and goes, he's lying?

Yeah.

Yeah.

we would oh and i just put it out there no but now that you put it out there i feel like it won't happen you're aware that what you did was a lie and you you've weighed whether it was worth it or not and you decided it was in some ways i thought the lie would be easier for that person on that and you're making it easier but it turns out it was still very much a thorn in her side potentially

we would oh and i just put it out there no but now that you put it out there i feel like it won't happen you're aware that what you did was a lie and you you've weighed whether it was worth it or not and you decided it was in some ways i thought the lie would be easier for that person on that and you're making it easier but it turns out it was still very much a thorn in her side potentially

Wait, I have to look up pizza beans. Hang on.

Wait, I have to look up pizza beans. Hang on.

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What do you mean? It's like pesto sauce.

What do you mean? It's like pesto sauce.

So this holiday season, you can invest in your skin's long-term health because healthy aging is a gift. Hey, Andy. Yeah. Speaking of you being little.

So this holiday season, you can invest in your skin's long-term health because healthy aging is a gift. Hey, Andy. Yeah. Speaking of you being little.

So excited. Like, what are we doing here? Very excited to talk to you for an hour like no one's listening, as we do. But I am dying to know, is this falling on any ears out there?

So excited. Like, what are we doing here? Very excited to talk to you for an hour like no one's listening, as we do. But I am dying to know, is this falling on any ears out there?

My agent, Stephanie, who I love so much.

My agent, Stephanie, who I love so much.

said to me, now she's very petite. She's small. So I think that her kind of perception, just so you know, like this was, It's going to sound kind of outrageous.

said to me, now she's very petite. She's small. So I think that her kind of perception, just so you know, like this was, It's going to sound kind of outrageous.

But details would be good. Oh, Smitten Kitchen. I love Smitten Kitchen.

But details would be good. Oh, Smitten Kitchen. I love Smitten Kitchen.

But I think because her perception is from that of a smaller person, it's actually very real. But we were talking about you had texted me your height at the doctor's office with your shoes on.

But I think because her perception is from that of a smaller person, it's actually very real. But we were talking about you had texted me your height at the doctor's office with your shoes on.

And I laughed about it. We were talking about different heights and stuff. And Stephanie, I started that story, but I didn't get to the 5'10 part. And he goes, well, he's six feet, right?

And I laughed about it. We were talking about different heights and stuff. And Stephanie, I started that story, but I didn't get to the 5'10 part. And he goes, well, he's six feet, right?

Isn't that so nice?

Isn't that so nice?

Well, someone who's 5'6", for them to think that you're six feet is... Odd. She's met you in person. Like, you've hung out with her quite a few times.

Well, someone who's 5'6", for them to think that you're six feet is... Odd. She's met you in person. Like, you've hung out with her quite a few times.

That you are perceived as being much taller than you are.

That you are perceived as being much taller than you are.

I'm just actually... See, you're seeing it from a different way, and I do understand where you're coming from. But what I want you to understand is I was setting that up in a way to say, this is very valid. But I knew you'd be thrilled.

I'm just actually... See, you're seeing it from a different way, and I do understand where you're coming from. But what I want you to understand is I was setting that up in a way to say, this is very valid. But I knew you'd be thrilled.

By the way, speaking of like size and so we went to Houston's the other night. Love it. And the restaurant, the restaurant.

By the way, speaking of like size and so we went to Houston's the other night. Love it. And the restaurant, the restaurant.

We love to eat there. And we had our meal, which is a it's always a hefty meal there. Like you're not leaving. You seem so uncomfortable right now.

We love to eat there. And we had our meal, which is a it's always a hefty meal there. Like you're not leaving. You seem so uncomfortable right now.

So I posted about a broccoli cheddar soup recently and everyone, everyone, three people were like, what's the recipe? It's smitten kitchen. And I keep talking about the soup. I think it affected me more than anyone else in the family. It was so good.

So I posted about a broccoli cheddar soup recently and everyone, everyone, three people were like, what's the recipe? It's smitten kitchen. And I keep talking about the soup. I think it affected me more than anyone else in the family. It was so good.

And so, you know, we get the spinach artichoke dip, obviously. Now, usually we go there with a third, St. Monica. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it this time, so it was just you and me. And so we housed that artichoke dip. And then you got a French dip. You can only eat half of it. I got a baked potato. You also got a baked potato.

And so, you know, we get the spinach artichoke dip, obviously. Now, usually we go there with a third, St. Monica. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it this time, so it was just you and me. And so we housed that artichoke dip. And then you got a French dip. You can only eat half of it. I got a baked potato. You also got a baked potato.

I got a baked potato and a side of broccoli, and it was so delicious. But... The thing that she said at the beginning of the meal was they have a special dessert, which is the fall cheesecake.

I got a baked potato and a side of broccoli, and it was so delicious. But... The thing that she said at the beginning of the meal was they have a special dessert, which is the fall cheesecake.

And, well, it just popped into my mind. And I knew I wanted that fall cheesecake. And so even though I was pretty full, I opened my second stomach up and I was like, we're getting that cheesecake. And it was so good. And, of course, you were so full because you had, like, so much to eat. Sure. And so you had like your one or two bites of the cheesecake. And then I'm eating it, but slowly.

And, well, it just popped into my mind. And I knew I wanted that fall cheesecake. And so even though I was pretty full, I opened my second stomach up and I was like, we're getting that cheesecake. And it was so good. And, of course, you were so full because you had, like, so much to eat. Sure. And so you had like your one or two bites of the cheesecake. And then I'm eating it, but slowly.

And the server keeps coming over and being like, can I get a box?

And the server keeps coming over and being like, can I get a box?

And you keep going, do you want a box? You should take that home. You should get a box. And I was like, I'm still working on it.

And you keep going, do you want a box? You should take that home. You should get a box. And I was like, I'm still working on it.

This happened like three times. Twice. But the way, the second time she came over and you go, you should get a box. You should take that home. Yeah. And it was so, like, it so came across as a husband, like, diet policing his wife and being like, you shouldn't finish that whole cheesecake.

This happened like three times. Twice. But the way, the second time she came over and you go, you should get a box. You should take that home. Yeah. And it was so, like, it so came across as a husband, like, diet policing his wife and being like, you shouldn't finish that whole cheesecake.

It's absolutely outrageous. But really what you were thinking was...

It's absolutely outrageous. But really what you were thinking was...

But I kept having to say to you, I'm going to finish it in front of her in a way where she definitely read it the other way.

But I kept having to say to you, I'm going to finish it in front of her in a way where she definitely read it the other way.

Weigh-in. Okay. Should we talk about the soccer game?

Weigh-in. Okay. Should we talk about the soccer game?

I've been dying to hear this. You haven't told me this whole story.

I've been dying to hear this. You haven't told me this whole story.

Big deal.

Big deal.

Are they break for water? Yeah.

Are they break for water? Yeah.

It's the one I just made two weeks ago.

It's the one I just made two weeks ago.

Oh, so they were there, but just standing there?

Oh, so they were there, but just standing there?

Of course, of course, yeah.

Of course, of course, yeah.

No.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Because what was the score?

Okay. Because what was the score?

And so that last goal took it to three.

And so that last goal took it to three.

You're such a dick. Wait, you didn't love that? You didn't love that soup?

You're such a dick. Wait, you didn't love that? You didn't love that soup?

Right.

Right.

Well, yeah.

Well, yeah.

What about all these penalty kicks that I saw? Like our daughter scored a penalty kick.

What about all these penalty kicks that I saw? Like our daughter scored a penalty kick.

And is someone saying here were the three goals?

And is someone saying here were the three goals?

So you just missed one of the goals.

So you just missed one of the goals.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, yeah, you're painting that picture very clearly.

Well, yeah, you're painting that picture very clearly.

Wow. Well, I think you're thinking of a different soup that's not broccoli cheddar.

Wow. Well, I think you're thinking of a different soup that's not broccoli cheddar.

But they weren't dealing with it well. It sounds like threatening to call the police.

But they weren't dealing with it well. It sounds like threatening to call the police.

Some bad behavior.

Some bad behavior.

It's a vegetable, creamy vegetable.

It's a vegetable, creamy vegetable.

I will say I'm very proud of our team. And we had such a great coach that they maintained their cool. They didn't.

I will say I'm very proud of our team. And we had such a great coach that they maintained their cool. They didn't.

And classy. There was no reactions to getting flicked off and stuff like that.

And classy. There was no reactions to getting flicked off and stuff like that.

Who's the most obnoxious parent? The one threatening to call the cops?

Who's the most obnoxious parent? The one threatening to call the cops?

Are you getting mad-dogged from the other parents? Are they looking at y'all like...

Are you getting mad-dogged from the other parents? Are they looking at y'all like...

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, these pizza beans look great. What are pizza beans? It looks like it's like a casserole of beans with tomato sauce and pizza beans, cheese, and you dip like crusty bread into it. Okay. Now, I have been making this white bean. Ugh. Now I'm going to have to link to it and shit. It's like a white bean.

Okay, these pizza beans look great. What are pizza beans? It looks like it's like a casserole of beans with tomato sauce and pizza beans, cheese, and you dip like crusty bread into it. Okay. Now, I have been making this white bean. Ugh. Now I'm going to have to link to it and shit. It's like a white bean.

The video you sent me, I felt like I was watching Friday Night Lights, like the state championship. The amount of noise around her lining up, and it's a nighttime game. And I wasn't there because I was prepping for a colonoscopy and shitting my brains out. Yeah. Like, getting that video and the, I was like, what is happening?

The video you sent me, I felt like I was watching Friday Night Lights, like the state championship. The amount of noise around her lining up, and it's a nighttime game. And I wasn't there because I was prepping for a colonoscopy and shitting my brains out. Yeah. Like, getting that video and the, I was like, what is happening?

Because these games are usually, like, pretty small and kind of sweet little games. But the roar from the crowd and she's lined up and the lights are on the field and her little body, I could see all this little pressure in her. Yes. And then she goes and makes the kick.

Because these games are usually, like, pretty small and kind of sweet little games. But the roar from the crowd and she's lined up and the lights are on the field and her little body, I could see all this little pressure in her. Yes. And then she goes and makes the kick.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, this all goes to show, I think we've talked about how, like, we're not the parents who are holding our hands through our kids' homework while other parents are very involved. And we're also very lucky. Our kids are, like, independent and do their homework and get good grades and stuff like that. We don't have to be in it with them.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, this all goes to show, I think we've talked about how, like, we're not the parents who are holding our hands through our kids' homework while other parents are very involved. And we're also very lucky. Our kids are, like, independent and do their homework and get good grades and stuff like that. We don't have to be in it with them.

We've heard tales of through the grapevine of like people we actually sort of know as acquaintances going so crazy at their kids' soccer games.

We've heard tales of through the grapevine of like people we actually sort of know as acquaintances going so crazy at their kids' soccer games.

Like how –

Like how –

obsessed parents get and we saw it on our kids basketball team last year where like some parents just cannot help themselves and they get so like they're projecting their own shit onto their kid clearly or I don't know what it I understand the like wanting your kid to succeed but we've talked about also you know Venus and Serena Williams dad yeah is that the way to be obviously he created two insane champions sure yes

obsessed parents get and we saw it on our kids basketball team last year where like some parents just cannot help themselves and they get so like they're projecting their own shit onto their kid clearly or I don't know what it I understand the like wanting your kid to succeed but we've talked about also you know Venus and Serena Williams dad yeah is that the way to be obviously he created two insane champions sure yes

Yeah. Yeah. That's one thing. But think about the 99 percent of those kids who actually don't ultimately have these massive careers. And then they have this like strange relationship. It's just like, is it worth it? I don't know. But I had this. So as I said, I was prepping for my colonoscopy.

Yeah. Yeah. That's one thing. But think about the 99 percent of those kids who actually don't ultimately have these massive careers. And then they have this like strange relationship. It's just like, is it worth it? I don't know. But I had this. So as I said, I was prepping for my colonoscopy.

Kind of a cassoulet thing that's vegetarian.

Kind of a cassoulet thing that's vegetarian.

The final championship game.

The final championship game.

Taking it more seriously.

Taking it more seriously.

Well, what I will say is I loved our coach this season.

Well, what I will say is I loved our coach this season.

Because especially, I mean, there were some games where I was frustrated with how they played. And then he would text afterwards, like, so we didn't win. But as I told the girls, like, what I wanted them to do in that game was footwork or whatever it was. And they, like, did such a good job. And it was such a good reminder to me as a parent going, oh, right. Yeah. They're 10.

Because especially, I mean, there were some games where I was frustrated with how they played. And then he would text afterwards, like, so we didn't win. But as I told the girls, like, what I wanted them to do in that game was footwork or whatever it was. And they, like, did such a good job. And it was such a good reminder to me as a parent going, oh, right. Yeah. They're 10.

Oh, yeah, I do. It's a bean dish that you do sourdough bread in it, and it's kind of an oregano white bean. It's delicious. Do you like that?

Oh, yeah, I do. It's a bean dish that you do sourdough bread in it, and it's kind of an oregano white bean. It's delicious. Do you like that?

This is not about winning the championship. They're not going to, which by the way, we have friends whose kids are like soccer phenoms and they travel all over the world. Do you know that those kids who are like, it's not even AYSO, it's like whatever other league.

This is not about winning the championship. They're not going to, which by the way, we have friends whose kids are like soccer phenoms and they travel all over the world. Do you know that those kids who are like, it's not even AYSO, it's like whatever other league.

have to have Instagram accounts.

have to have Instagram accounts.

And it's like a real kind of struggle for some of these parents who don't want their kids to have social media. But for coaches to notice them, they have highlight reels. And the coaches of those teams help coordinate the highlight reels for all of these players for scouting. And we're talking 10, 11 years old.

And it's like a real kind of struggle for some of these parents who don't want their kids to have social media. But for coaches to notice them, they have highlight reels. And the coaches of those teams help coordinate the highlight reels for all of these players for scouting. And we're talking 10, 11 years old.

So like it is a whole intense world that I'm so glad we're, you know, our kid is amazing. And I think both of them have learned so much in whatever sports they're in, particularly for girls. There's scientific evidence that like group sports increases confidence and teamwork and all of these amazing attributes. But I'm also glad that neither of them have...

So like it is a whole intense world that I'm so glad we're, you know, our kid is amazing. And I think both of them have learned so much in whatever sports they're in, particularly for girls. There's scientific evidence that like group sports increases confidence and teamwork and all of these amazing attributes. But I'm also glad that neither of them have...

was such outstanding skill that like we would feel almost obligated to enter that realm.

was such outstanding skill that like we would feel almost obligated to enter that realm.

We couldn't do it as parents. We're not cut out for it. So anyway, I was prepping for colonoscopy. Not a fun prep experience as I think is true to form. In fact, I will say I don't feel like I was told enough from my like

We couldn't do it as parents. We're not cut out for it. So anyway, I was prepping for colonoscopy. Not a fun prep experience as I think is true to form. In fact, I will say I don't feel like I was told enough from my like

Okay, great.

Okay, great.

doctor's office about what to expect it was just like another day for them it's too you take this at this time you take this at this time then i go in the next day and like my reward for all of this of course is propofol which is the medication that they give you to put you to sleep that gives you about two seconds of like the best feeling in the world now it's not a good medication to use outside of

doctor's office about what to expect it was just like another day for them it's too you take this at this time you take this at this time then i go in the next day and like my reward for all of this of course is propofol which is the medication that they give you to put you to sleep that gives you about two seconds of like the best feeling in the world now it's not a good medication to use outside of

surgical situations because it's caused some deaths, some notorious deaths out there. And so this is strictly for when you're going under and administered by a professional. The professional in my case was this wonderful character who is in his 60s. And he came and he put me at ease because even though I was looking forward to it, I was also understandably just anxious. You don't want to die.

surgical situations because it's caused some deaths, some notorious deaths out there. And so this is strictly for when you're going under and administered by a professional. The professional in my case was this wonderful character who is in his 60s. And he came and he put me at ease because even though I was looking forward to it, I was also understandably just anxious. You don't want to die.

Don't want to die. And you also like Haven't eaten in over a day and spent last night almost throwing up and pooping. And you feel weird. And also like had never had a colonoscopy before. It's kind of awkward thinking someone's going into your butt.

Don't want to die. And you also like Haven't eaten in over a day and spent last night almost throwing up and pooping. And you feel weird. And also like had never had a colonoscopy before. It's kind of awkward thinking someone's going into your butt.

What are they going to find and what's going to happen? All of it. So he really put me at ease and he was chatting with me. And it was so crazy that it came up because I mentioned my kids or something. And he goes, oh, yeah. How old are they? Eight and ten. He goes, oh, man, that's such fun ages. I remember when my kids were eight and ten, I was their AYSO soccer coach.

What are they going to find and what's going to happen? All of it. So he really put me at ease and he was chatting with me. And it was so crazy that it came up because I mentioned my kids or something. And he goes, oh, yeah. How old are they? Eight and ten. He goes, oh, man, that's such fun ages. I remember when my kids were eight and ten, I was their AYSO soccer coach.

And he goes, that was crazy. And I said, oh, well, you'll appreciate this. My daughter's soccer game was last night and things got wild. And he goes, oh, I bet. I remember. So he told me two stories. The first one was when his kid was like five years old. OK, so teeny tiny soccer game where like half the kids are just standing around picking their noses.

And he goes, that was crazy. And I said, oh, well, you'll appreciate this. My daughter's soccer game was last night and things got wild. And he goes, oh, I bet. I remember. So he told me two stories. The first one was when his kid was like five years old. OK, so teeny tiny soccer game where like half the kids are just standing around picking their noses.

The parents got so into it that at one point in time, this one kid who was really good, who was on his team, so he was coaching, was like making his way down the field and was about to make a goal. And the other team's kid is like looking at a butterfly or something. Yeah.

The parents got so into it that at one point in time, this one kid who was really good, who was on his team, so he was coaching, was like making his way down the field and was about to make a goal. And the other team's kid is like looking at a butterfly or something. Yeah.

That a dad from the sidelines runs out onto the field, picks up his kid, who's the butterfly gazer, and goes, holds him up and blocks the kick with his son's body.

That a dad from the sidelines runs out onto the field, picks up his kid, who's the butterfly gazer, and goes, holds him up and blocks the kick with his son's body.

I literally was just thinking like, oh, a library. When we lived in Silver Lake, there was a nice library over there.

I literally was just thinking like, oh, a library. When we lived in Silver Lake, there was a nice library over there.

First of all, like.

First of all, like.

To, you know, being like, like, you think that's going to count as blocking the goal? You're picking him up to, like, block this flight. And also, like, if you were that dad and I saw you do that when you're kids five, I will never look at you the same way again. I will always only think of how you have no self-control. You're obsessive. Like, who does that?

To, you know, being like, like, you think that's going to count as blocking the goal? You're picking him up to, like, block this flight. And also, like, if you were that dad and I saw you do that when you're kids five, I will never look at you the same way again. I will always only think of how you have no self-control. You're obsessive. Like, who does that?

This story gets the story. The next one's even crazier. And it's actually really interesting. That one's probably pretty depressing. Pretty dark. Okay. Now this was, he said his kids now in their late 30s, so this was almost 30 years ago, which I think this context is a little important because I think the way it would be dealt with today would be vastly different. Okay.

This story gets the story. The next one's even crazier. And it's actually really interesting. That one's probably pretty depressing. Pretty dark. Okay. Now this was, he said his kids now in their late 30s, so this was almost 30 years ago, which I think this context is a little important because I think the way it would be dealt with today would be vastly different. Okay.

It was a championship game, his kid's team versus this other team. His kid is their goalie. Okay. My, what's that called? Anesthesiologist. The other team's coach's kid is like the striker. Okay.

It was a championship game, his kid's team versus this other team. His kid is their goalie. Okay. My, what's that called? Anesthesiologist. The other team's coach's kid is like the striker. Okay.

He's doing a penalty kick and it's for the winning point for the game.

He's doing a penalty kick and it's for the winning point for the game.

And this coach was really intense and the kid's really, really good. And so it's like two coaches and there are two kids facing off.

And this coach was really intense and the kid's really, really good. And so it's like two coaches and there are two kids facing off.

And the kid misses it.

And the kid misses it.

I think it's blocked.

I think it's blocked.

The other coach runs out in front of everyone and slaps his kid in the face. Now, this is where I'm talking about those parents where it's like borderline abusive. This is obviously actually— Yes. And today, I would be calling 911 so fast and would be going, I just witnessed abuse happen to a child. Like, how fucking crazy is that?

The other coach runs out in front of everyone and slaps his kid in the face. Now, this is where I'm talking about those parents where it's like borderline abusive. This is obviously actually— Yes. And today, I would be calling 911 so fast and would be going, I just witnessed abuse happen to a child. Like, how fucking crazy is that?

It's beautiful. But you have to go downtown to go to it.

It's beautiful. But you have to go downtown to go to it.

I know back then things were a little more loosey-goosey, but still so outrageous that this anesthesiologist is telling this story. So what happened was this coach was banned from coaching again. But you're like, you know that kid's getting abused at home. If your dad is willing to come hit you... Like I can totally see them in the backyard and be like, again, again, you know.

I know back then things were a little more loosey-goosey, but still so outrageous that this anesthesiologist is telling this story. So what happened was this coach was banned from coaching again. But you're like, you know that kid's getting abused at home. If your dad is willing to come hit you... Like I can totally see them in the backyard and be like, again, again, you know.

The saddest thing ever. And like for a dad to care so much, first of all, humiliating the kid, clearly abusing him at home over this. Like this is where I'm like sports parents getting so crazy is so fucked up. Yeah. Anyway, that's all.

The saddest thing ever. And like for a dad to care so much, first of all, humiliating the kid, clearly abusing him at home over this. Like this is where I'm like sports parents getting so crazy is so fucked up. Yeah. Anyway, that's all.

Yeah. Yeah. And also, I'm, like, thinking about what happened with our team and, like, the mom who's going to call the cops. Which, by the way, our daughter was like, I mean, what are they going to do? Like, come arrest us? And it was, like, half joking, but also half not. And I'm like, no, honey, no one's getting arrested.

Yeah. Yeah. And also, I'm, like, thinking about what happened with our team and, like, the mom who's going to call the cops. Which, by the way, our daughter was like, I mean, what are they going to do? Like, come arrest us? And it was, like, half joking, but also half not. And I'm like, no, honey, no one's getting arrested.

Coming over with their pads. So we heard that the score was... Anyway, those parents who were like that and yelling teeters and stuff like that. It's just like... Regardless, I guess it's easy to say when we're on the other team, but regardless of what happened or didn't happen, ultimately, my view is refs. Now, we don't know what happened.

Coming over with their pads. So we heard that the score was... Anyway, those parents who were like that and yelling teeters and stuff like that. It's just like... Regardless, I guess it's easy to say when we're on the other team, but regardless of what happened or didn't happen, ultimately, my view is refs. Now, we don't know what happened.

Whoa.

Whoa.

You easily could have missed a goal and we rightfully won or they were right and lost.

You easily could have missed a goal and we rightfully won or they were right and lost.

Do you need to start doing vocal warm-ups?

Do you need to start doing vocal warm-ups?

And watching basketball, I'm like, refs sometimes make mistakes. That's their job is they have to make a call, right?

And watching basketball, I'm like, refs sometimes make mistakes. That's their job is they have to make a call, right?

With the information that they have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so to then, I don't know, berate the other team of children, it's just like – and also that their kids are flipping off. Like our children would never – to have the audacity to flip off another person, no matter what, you know, it's just, it speaks to a certain kind of etiquette.

With the information that they have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so to then, I don't know, berate the other team of children, it's just like – and also that their kids are flipping off. Like our children would never – to have the audacity to flip off another person, no matter what, you know, it's just, it speaks to a certain kind of etiquette.

Regularly.

Regularly.

Sure. Sure.

Sure. Sure.

Wild.

Wild.

Yeah. Oh, and then I just want to end with this and then we'll move on.

Yeah. Oh, and then I just want to end with this and then we'll move on.

I was talking to my, my pal DJ Nash and we're talking about colonoscopies and how it's such a, It's a strange sensation to wake up from the dream of propofol and be like, oh, someone was just up in my guts. But I have no like sensation that that happened. There's no like... there's no nothing. It's not like your butt feels like someone's been here or anything.

I was talking to my, my pal DJ Nash and we're talking about colonoscopies and how it's such a, It's a strange sensation to wake up from the dream of propofol and be like, oh, someone was just up in my guts. But I have no like sensation that that happened. There's no like... there's no nothing. It's not like your butt feels like someone's been here or anything.

In my case, what was interesting is my doctor, who I adore and who has done a lot of my upper endoscopy stuff for my shotskies ring, has such a nice, warm bedside manner and really makes you feel like you're in good hands. And he said this in a way that I like actually put me at ease in the moment. But then afterwards, I was like, huh, where he's asking me all the questions.

In my case, what was interesting is my doctor, who I adore and who has done a lot of my upper endoscopy stuff for my shotskies ring, has such a nice, warm bedside manner and really makes you feel like you're in good hands. And he said this in a way that I like actually put me at ease in the moment. But then afterwards, I was like, huh, where he's asking me all the questions.

Do you understand the risks? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yep, yep, yep. And he goes, OK, let's party.

Do you understand the risks? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yep, yep, yep. And he goes, OK, let's party.

And then I get wheeled into the room.

And then I get wheeled into the room.

I get wheeled into the room. Now, I have a really good, fun rapport with him. I joke. I made a joke about, like, he's closing the loop on me. Like, he's been upstairs and now he's going downstairs kind of thing.

I get wheeled into the room. Now, I have a really good, fun rapport with him. I joke. I made a joke about, like, he's closing the loop on me. Like, he's been upstairs and now he's going downstairs kind of thing.

I'm in the prep area.

I'm in the prep area.

Let's party. No, that would be terrible. But it is a weird sensation when he did say let's party and then I get wheeled into the room and now there's two women and two men in that room. You know, two nurses and the anesthesiologist and my surgeon. And... Then you wake up and you're in recovery area, right? And you're a little bit like, did you party?

Let's party. No, that would be terrible. But it is a weird sensation when he did say let's party and then I get wheeled into the room and now there's two women and two men in that room. You know, two nurses and the anesthesiologist and my surgeon. And... Then you wake up and you're in recovery area, right? And you're a little bit like, did you party?

No, but it didn't come across that way, but I think saying it out loud, you can see how it might feel that way. But anyway, clean. I got an A plus for a clean colon. Very clean colon. I'm happy for you. One little... Polyp? Removed.

No, but it didn't come across that way, but I think saying it out loud, you can see how it might feel that way. But anyway, clean. I got an A plus for a clean colon. Very clean colon. I'm happy for you. One little... Polyp? Removed.

They just cut it out.

They just cut it out.

How else would they do it?

How else would they do it?

Yeah, something like that. How else would they do it?

Yeah, something like that. How else would they do it?

Laparoscopic is like kind of the same thing.

Laparoscopic is like kind of the same thing.

So anyway, such a relief to have this clean bill of health. My, my, I got my boobs scanned. Good. Colon scan. Good. I feel like I'm entering 2025 with like solid medical, um, foundation. Yeah.

So anyway, such a relief to have this clean bill of health. My, my, I got my boobs scanned. Good. Colon scan. Good. I feel like I'm entering 2025 with like solid medical, um, foundation. Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, for someone who for a brief period of time early in our relationship really wanted to be in my butt, you sure seem put off by it. So I'm glad that that never happened.

You know, for someone who for a brief period of time early in our relationship really wanted to be in my butt, you sure seem put off by it. So I'm glad that that never happened.

You wanted to get in my butt at one point, didn't you?

You wanted to get in my butt at one point, didn't you?

Well, I'm glad that I never afforded you the privilege. If that's how you, you were so like, ugh.

Well, I'm glad that I never afforded you the privilege. If that's how you, you were so like, ugh.

They only have a certain number of digital copies.

They only have a certain number of digital copies.

It was glistening, pink glistening.

It was glistening, pink glistening.

By the way, I do want to say, and then I know we're going long, is I really think in relationships, like, having a sense of humor is very important. And I would tell my kids, make sure you have someone that you can laugh with. Let's party. You can party with. Someone that you respect and respects you, obviously.

By the way, I do want to say, and then I know we're going long, is I really think in relationships, like, having a sense of humor is very important. And I would tell my kids, make sure you have someone that you can laugh with. Let's party. You can party with. Someone that you respect and respects you, obviously.

Integrity. Okay. But you also, something I scored in with you that has only really come to light, I'd say, in the last five years or so, is how you take such good care of me. And I think especially having lost my mom at such a young age, it is really, really important. And it means so much to me that I have someone who really takes good care of me. Like, you took me...

Integrity. Okay. But you also, something I scored in with you that has only really come to light, I'd say, in the last five years or so, is how you take such good care of me. And I think especially having lost my mom at such a young age, it is really, really important. And it means so much to me that I have someone who really takes good care of me. Like, you took me...

There in the morning, whereas I could have Ubered, but you were like, no, I want to take you. You waited for me. You took me home. You make sure I have the food I want. You did this when I had COVID recently where you're like, you really, and there's, it seems like it's no sweat to you. You almost enjoy it.

There in the morning, whereas I could have Ubered, but you were like, no, I want to take you. You waited for me. You took me home. You make sure I have the food I want. You did this when I had COVID recently where you're like, you really, and there's, it seems like it's no sweat to you. You almost enjoy it.

Not to gender this, but I think that it is much more common for the woman in a heteronormative relationship to be the caregiver. And, you know, I don't know, it's kind of baked in for me to take care of something or someone when they're sick. Yeah. You return the favor. Like, there are a lot of men, for example, when their wives get cancer, bounce. Do you know that?

Not to gender this, but I think that it is much more common for the woman in a heteronormative relationship to be the caregiver. And, you know, I don't know, it's kind of baked in for me to take care of something or someone when they're sick. Yeah. You return the favor. Like, there are a lot of men, for example, when their wives get cancer, bounce. Do you know that?

But I know, jokes aside, I'm not worried in the least about that situation with you, which is like weirdly comforting. And you do make – you make sure I'm fed well, which to me is like specific to being kind of sick or weakened love language.

But I know, jokes aside, I'm not worried in the least about that situation with you, which is like weirdly comforting. And you do make – you make sure I'm fed well, which to me is like specific to being kind of sick or weakened love language.

Regular? Yeah. Regular.

Regular? Yeah. Regular.

And you really get it and you're like – you were on top of it. You're like – What can I have ready for you when you get out of this situation? And I said, I want this apple croissant from Starbucks. You had it for me in the car. And then it was like, what do you want to eat now? It was very thoughtful.

And you really get it and you're like – you were on top of it. You're like – What can I have ready for you when you get out of this situation? And I said, I want this apple croissant from Starbucks. You had it for me in the car. And then it was like, what do you want to eat now? It was very thoughtful.

And listen, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. So I'm not saying... I think for some people, maybe this isn't as important. And I do think it goes to like not having my mom around and caring for me through certain things. Like I went through a horrible situation after my parents died with my wisdom teeth coming out and getting sick and having to call 911 for myself and everything.

And listen, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. So I'm not saying... I think for some people, maybe this isn't as important. And I do think it goes to like not having my mom around and caring for me through certain things. Like I went through a horrible situation after my parents died with my wisdom teeth coming out and getting sick and having to call 911 for myself and everything.

Well, no. Okay.

Well, no. Okay.

Having no one around like I think that so it gives me a sense of security that maybe is bigger than for other people. But I think there are a lot of people where they like they wouldn't even ask their husbands to be like, can you take me in the morning? So it'd be like, no, just Uber or like and then and then I'll take you home. But then I'm going to go off and do whatever.

Having no one around like I think that so it gives me a sense of security that maybe is bigger than for other people. But I think there are a lot of people where they like they wouldn't even ask their husbands to be like, can you take me in the morning? So it'd be like, no, just Uber or like and then and then I'll take you home. But then I'm going to go off and do whatever.

Eggs. Eggs. Okay. Cool.

Eggs. Eggs. Okay. Cool.

And like you can order something. I don't know. I don't know what it looks like, but I don't know that I don't think everyone has what I have. I'm grateful. Okay. But I'm sure a lot of people do have that.

And like you can order something. I don't know. I don't know what it looks like, but I don't know that I don't think everyone has what I have. I'm grateful. Okay. But I'm sure a lot of people do have that.

On that note, good night. Good night.

On that note, good night. Good night.

That's so nice. Thank you, Kiana. But first, we want to thank this week's partner, OneSkin, the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. For a limited time, get 15% off. Use code NLR when you check out at OneSkin.co.

That's so nice. Thank you, Kiana. But first, we want to thank this week's partner, OneSkin, the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. For a limited time, get 15% off. Use code NLR when you check out at OneSkin.co.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay.

This holiday season, invest in your skin's long-term health because healthy aging is a gift. That's OneSkin.co and use code NLR when you check out.

This holiday season, invest in your skin's long-term health because healthy aging is a gift. That's OneSkin.co and use code NLR when you check out.

What number are we?

What number are we?

In Finland?

In Finland?

What an honor. You know what they say about Finland?

What an honor. You know what they say about Finland?

It's one of the happiest places on earth.

It's one of the happiest places on earth.

So thank you for you're sticking with us. We love it.

So thank you for you're sticking with us. We love it.

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic.

Now, I have a question.

Now, I have a question.

And I'm about to sound so stupid.

And I'm about to sound so stupid.

Is it Slovenian or is it Slovakian?

Is it Slovenian or is it Slovakian?

Yes.

Yes.

So we have so much to cover. So much has happened in our lives.

So we have so much to cover. So much has happened in our lives.

Resizes.

Resizes.

Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Everyone, by everyone, I mean, well, I haven't really given it much more thought.

Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Everyone, by everyone, I mean, well, I haven't really given it much more thought.

But I'm glad that you are following through.

But I'm glad that you are following through.

Okay, I want more details of this rumor.

Okay, I want more details of this rumor.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

The priest, yes.

The priest, yes.

I have a bunch of questions to get.

I have a bunch of questions to get.

But I feel like in that area, every four corners are churches. Am I wrong about that? There are tons of churches around.

But I feel like in that area, every four corners are churches. Am I wrong about that? There are tons of churches around.

Your mom identifies as Catholic?

Your mom identifies as Catholic?

Okay. I have some follow-up questions about that. Let's stick with the Boise church. I do want to ask a few questions.

Okay. I have some follow-up questions about that. Let's stick with the Boise church. I do want to ask a few questions.

Knowing your mom, did she like actually go through the process of conversion?

Knowing your mom, did she like actually go through the process of conversion?

It was like a very communion.

It was like a very communion.

That's called overcompensating, Andy.

That's called overcompensating, Andy.

No, no. But you know what? You see why. I could see your mom being like, I'm Catholic now. And her doing it with Karen validates that she really became Catholic.

No, no. But you know what? You see why. I could see your mom being like, I'm Catholic now. And her doing it with Karen validates that she really became Catholic.

Have you met your mom?

Have you met your mom?

I could see your mom going to a few Masses. And then the time comes where basically the only part of Mass that you can't do if you are not confirmed Catholic, confirmation. is one of the rites of passage, is going to receive the body and blood of Christ.

I could see your mom going to a few Masses. And then the time comes where basically the only part of Mass that you can't do if you are not confirmed Catholic, confirmation. is one of the rites of passage, is going to receive the body and blood of Christ.

And I could see her, your mother, going to a few masses and then be like, I'm going to do it.

And I could see her, your mother, going to a few masses and then be like, I'm going to do it.

Smart, smart. You need to have a, what's that called?

Smart, smart. You need to have a, what's that called?

I don't know, but she's the type of person who... Andy, come on. This is not that out... They lived in Tbilisi, Georgia for, what, six years? Uh-huh. And never learned how to say, like, hello or thank you. Got by, like, a charm because she's very charming. And because of her charm and warmth and loving energy, like, a lot of things just, like, kind of work out for her and she gets through.

I don't know, but she's the type of person who... Andy, come on. This is not that out... They lived in Tbilisi, Georgia for, what, six years? Uh-huh. And never learned how to say, like, hello or thank you. Got by, like, a charm because she's very charming. And because of her charm and warmth and loving energy, like, a lot of things just, like, kind of work out for her and she gets through.

But, yeah, like... I 100% could see your mom. And it's not that she knows. This is blowing my mind that you don't see that this could happen. Now, Karen, her friend, would go through the steps.

But, yeah, like... I 100% could see your mom. And it's not that she knows. This is blowing my mind that you don't see that this could happen. Now, Karen, her friend, would go through the steps.

But what's it called in like when you're doing science tests?

But what's it called in like when you're doing science tests?

I know enough about Karen.

I know enough about Karen.

I'm not saying it out of spiteful. Your mom, though, could 100% start going to, I don't know. I'm trying to think. She could start going to a Jewish synagogue. And she's married to a Jewish man. And just be like, well, I'm Jewish now. That could happen.

I'm not saying it out of spiteful. Your mom, though, could 100% start going to, I don't know. I'm trying to think. She could start going to a Jewish synagogue. And she's married to a Jewish man. And just be like, well, I'm Jewish now. That could happen.

A control.

A control.

I'm not saying it's a hypothetical. I don't know why this is bumming you out so much.

I'm not saying it's a hypothetical. I don't know why this is bumming you out so much.

So you're taking this, me saying this about your mom in a way where I'm also saying this about you because I don't think this about you.

So you're taking this, me saying this about your mom in a way where I'm also saying this about you because I don't think this about you.

I don't. It's just a vibe.

I don't. It's just a vibe.

I just want to talk to your brother and see if he would... Let's have a conversation with your brother. Neither of us says anything other than... Could you, like, conceive of your mom, bless her heart, deciding that she was a religion and just now stating that's how she identifies? Here's another thing about it. Uh-huh. Is your mom, actually, you know what? This is based on something.

I just want to talk to your brother and see if he would... Let's have a conversation with your brother. Neither of us says anything other than... Could you, like, conceive of your mom, bless her heart, deciding that she was a religion and just now stating that's how she identifies? Here's another thing about it. Uh-huh. Is your mom, actually, you know what? This is based on something.

Your mom identified as Catholic, and I was raised Catholic. And granted, there are going to be differences between that. But when you and I first started dating, the way she identified as being Catholic was clearly someone who had kind of created her own Catholicism. Like, she was very into Mary and stuff like that, which is not abnormal, but...

Your mom identified as Catholic, and I was raised Catholic. And granted, there are going to be differences between that. But when you and I first started dating, the way she identified as being Catholic was clearly someone who had kind of created her own Catholicism. Like, she was very into Mary and stuff like that, which is not abnormal, but...

It felt like she made up her own Catholic religion to be into. And so that's part of why I think maybe she just decided she was kind of Catholic.

It felt like she made up her own Catholic religion to be into. And so that's part of why I think maybe she just decided she was kind of Catholic.

And I love that for her.

And I love that for her.

So your mom said to the friend, like, hey, I'm thinking about dipping my toe back into Catholicism.

So your mom said to the friend, like, hey, I'm thinking about dipping my toe back into Catholicism.

I'm just – I'm literally asking. And the friend – Doesn't go to that church because, well, I heard that the priest, you don't want to go there. Because the priest doesn't even face the audience. He's preaching to Jesus?

I'm just – I'm literally asking. And the friend – Doesn't go to that church because, well, I heard that the priest, you don't want to go there. Because the priest doesn't even face the audience. He's preaching to Jesus?

And how did you hear the rumor? You were driving by it and she said, you know that church.

And how did you hear the rumor? You were driving by it and she said, you know that church.

Nobody's listening, right? Hi, Andy.

You might have body dysmorphia. Yeah.

Okay, I'll be quiet now. Carry on.

I find the whole story interesting. Okay, okay. I wouldn't want you to skip over the interesting part of how you found out. Carry on.

Razon?

Your head is like the Beetlejuice. But you do have a, your nose is bigger.

Oh, my God.

How many calls do you think?

Yeah.

Ah, yes.

This does not stink of integrity.

My mom...

And that's fine.

Every Catholic church in Boise.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say exactly how you said this outrageous lie.

Now, I think where you went wrong is using the word rumor.

It has a negative connotation.

How old is Babs, do you think?

Okay, okay.

Yeah, don't question the rules.

Oh, like cats in the round in London.

First time I saw it.

Oh.

You went to your mom's graduation?

Oh, I fucking love a potato. You do? I love leeks, and I don't even know that I've ever cooked with them.

What about the sermon?

Okay, because actually now that you're saying this, I'm thinking, like, I believe there's part of the consecration where our priest would also turn his back to us and face – Our Lord and Savior on the cross. But I might be making that up. It's been a minute. But the consecration is basically the preparation of the, as you called it, crackers and wine. Yeah.

Where it's talking about, you know, Jesus's body and blood and blah, blah, blah. And how when you accept that, like you're accepting Jesus into your life. Got it.

Oh, you would like leeks.

Interesting.

For your mother. For your hard of hearing mother.

Yeah, but you know, you love cauliflower.

Generous of spirit.

Oh, it would be so fun and funny.

And you love onions, grilled onions and stuff like that.

Okay.

Don't you dare go and get the body and blood.

And it's like suddenly you have like a red, you know, the red A on your bottom. Everyone looks at you and is like, you're not one of us.

Oh, this little guy.

Yeah. Speaking of little guy. Yeah. Sorry. This is all great and I'm glad you got to the bottom of it.

I think you would love leeks.

Sorry you had that interaction with Barbara.

She didn't know that you were a man of such integrity. Had she known, she would have spoken to you with a little bit more respect.

Oh, this is why they're not answering their phone. They're like, every other call is about the rumor that's going around. Do you think that she was in the church at that moment and the Jesus up on the cross looked down at her and goes, he's lying?

Yeah.

we would oh and i just put it out there no but now that you put it out there i feel like it won't happen you're aware that what you did was a lie and you you've weighed whether it was worth it or not and you decided it was in some ways i thought the lie would be easier for that person on that and you're making it easier but it turns out it was still very much a thorn in her side potentially

Wait, I have to look up pizza beans. Hang on.

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What do you mean? It's like pesto sauce.

So this holiday season, you can invest in your skin's long-term health because healthy aging is a gift. Hey, Andy. Yeah. Speaking of you being little.

So excited. Like, what are we doing here? Very excited to talk to you for an hour like no one's listening, as we do. But I am dying to know, is this falling on any ears out there?

My agent, Stephanie, who I love so much.

said to me, now she's very petite. She's small. So I think that her kind of perception, just so you know, like this was, It's going to sound kind of outrageous.

But details would be good. Oh, Smitten Kitchen. I love Smitten Kitchen.

But I think because her perception is from that of a smaller person, it's actually very real. But we were talking about you had texted me your height at the doctor's office with your shoes on.

And I laughed about it. We were talking about different heights and stuff. And Stephanie, I started that story, but I didn't get to the 5'10 part. And he goes, well, he's six feet, right?

Isn't that so nice?

Well, someone who's 5'6", for them to think that you're six feet is... Odd. She's met you in person. Like, you've hung out with her quite a few times.

That you are perceived as being much taller than you are.

I'm just actually... See, you're seeing it from a different way, and I do understand where you're coming from. But what I want you to understand is I was setting that up in a way to say, this is very valid. But I knew you'd be thrilled.

By the way, speaking of like size and so we went to Houston's the other night. Love it. And the restaurant, the restaurant.

We love to eat there. And we had our meal, which is a it's always a hefty meal there. Like you're not leaving. You seem so uncomfortable right now.

So I posted about a broccoli cheddar soup recently and everyone, everyone, three people were like, what's the recipe? It's smitten kitchen. And I keep talking about the soup. I think it affected me more than anyone else in the family. It was so good.

And so, you know, we get the spinach artichoke dip, obviously. Now, usually we go there with a third, St. Monica. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it this time, so it was just you and me. And so we housed that artichoke dip. And then you got a French dip. You can only eat half of it. I got a baked potato. You also got a baked potato.

I got a baked potato and a side of broccoli, and it was so delicious. But... The thing that she said at the beginning of the meal was they have a special dessert, which is the fall cheesecake.

And, well, it just popped into my mind. And I knew I wanted that fall cheesecake. And so even though I was pretty full, I opened my second stomach up and I was like, we're getting that cheesecake. And it was so good. And, of course, you were so full because you had, like, so much to eat. Sure. And so you had like your one or two bites of the cheesecake. And then I'm eating it, but slowly.

And the server keeps coming over and being like, can I get a box?

And you keep going, do you want a box? You should take that home. You should get a box. And I was like, I'm still working on it.

This happened like three times. Twice. But the way, the second time she came over and you go, you should get a box. You should take that home. Yeah. And it was so, like, it so came across as a husband, like, diet policing his wife and being like, you shouldn't finish that whole cheesecake.

It's absolutely outrageous. But really what you were thinking was...

But I kept having to say to you, I'm going to finish it in front of her in a way where she definitely read it the other way.

Weigh-in. Okay. Should we talk about the soccer game?

I've been dying to hear this. You haven't told me this whole story.

Big deal.

Are they break for water? Yeah.

It's the one I just made two weeks ago.

Oh, so they were there, but just standing there?

Of course, of course, yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Okay. Because what was the score?

And so that last goal took it to three.

You're such a dick. Wait, you didn't love that? You didn't love that soup?

Right.

Well, yeah.

What about all these penalty kicks that I saw? Like our daughter scored a penalty kick.

And is someone saying here were the three goals?

So you just missed one of the goals.

Okay.

Well, yeah, you're painting that picture very clearly.

Wow. Well, I think you're thinking of a different soup that's not broccoli cheddar.

But they weren't dealing with it well. It sounds like threatening to call the police.

Some bad behavior.

It's a vegetable, creamy vegetable.

I will say I'm very proud of our team. And we had such a great coach that they maintained their cool. They didn't.

And classy. There was no reactions to getting flicked off and stuff like that.

Who's the most obnoxious parent? The one threatening to call the cops?

Are you getting mad-dogged from the other parents? Are they looking at y'all like...

Uh-huh.

Okay, these pizza beans look great. What are pizza beans? It looks like it's like a casserole of beans with tomato sauce and pizza beans, cheese, and you dip like crusty bread into it. Okay. Now, I have been making this white bean. Ugh. Now I'm going to have to link to it and shit. It's like a white bean.

The video you sent me, I felt like I was watching Friday Night Lights, like the state championship. The amount of noise around her lining up, and it's a nighttime game. And I wasn't there because I was prepping for a colonoscopy and shitting my brains out. Yeah. Like, getting that video and the, I was like, what is happening?

Because these games are usually, like, pretty small and kind of sweet little games. But the roar from the crowd and she's lined up and the lights are on the field and her little body, I could see all this little pressure in her. Yes. And then she goes and makes the kick.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, this all goes to show, I think we've talked about how, like, we're not the parents who are holding our hands through our kids' homework while other parents are very involved. And we're also very lucky. Our kids are, like, independent and do their homework and get good grades and stuff like that. We don't have to be in it with them.

We've heard tales of through the grapevine of like people we actually sort of know as acquaintances going so crazy at their kids' soccer games.

Like how –

obsessed parents get and we saw it on our kids basketball team last year where like some parents just cannot help themselves and they get so like they're projecting their own shit onto their kid clearly or I don't know what it I understand the like wanting your kid to succeed but we've talked about also you know Venus and Serena Williams dad yeah is that the way to be obviously he created two insane champions sure yes

Yeah. Yeah. That's one thing. But think about the 99 percent of those kids who actually don't ultimately have these massive careers. And then they have this like strange relationship. It's just like, is it worth it? I don't know. But I had this. So as I said, I was prepping for my colonoscopy.

Kind of a cassoulet thing that's vegetarian.

The final championship game.

Taking it more seriously.

Well, what I will say is I loved our coach this season.

Because especially, I mean, there were some games where I was frustrated with how they played. And then he would text afterwards, like, so we didn't win. But as I told the girls, like, what I wanted them to do in that game was footwork or whatever it was. And they, like, did such a good job. And it was such a good reminder to me as a parent going, oh, right. Yeah. They're 10.

Oh, yeah, I do. It's a bean dish that you do sourdough bread in it, and it's kind of an oregano white bean. It's delicious. Do you like that?

This is not about winning the championship. They're not going to, which by the way, we have friends whose kids are like soccer phenoms and they travel all over the world. Do you know that those kids who are like, it's not even AYSO, it's like whatever other league.

have to have Instagram accounts.

And it's like a real kind of struggle for some of these parents who don't want their kids to have social media. But for coaches to notice them, they have highlight reels. And the coaches of those teams help coordinate the highlight reels for all of these players for scouting. And we're talking 10, 11 years old.

So like it is a whole intense world that I'm so glad we're, you know, our kid is amazing. And I think both of them have learned so much in whatever sports they're in, particularly for girls. There's scientific evidence that like group sports increases confidence and teamwork and all of these amazing attributes. But I'm also glad that neither of them have...

was such outstanding skill that like we would feel almost obligated to enter that realm.

We couldn't do it as parents. We're not cut out for it. So anyway, I was prepping for colonoscopy. Not a fun prep experience as I think is true to form. In fact, I will say I don't feel like I was told enough from my like

Okay, great.

doctor's office about what to expect it was just like another day for them it's too you take this at this time you take this at this time then i go in the next day and like my reward for all of this of course is propofol which is the medication that they give you to put you to sleep that gives you about two seconds of like the best feeling in the world now it's not a good medication to use outside of

surgical situations because it's caused some deaths, some notorious deaths out there. And so this is strictly for when you're going under and administered by a professional. The professional in my case was this wonderful character who is in his 60s. And he came and he put me at ease because even though I was looking forward to it, I was also understandably just anxious. You don't want to die.

Don't want to die. And you also like Haven't eaten in over a day and spent last night almost throwing up and pooping. And you feel weird. And also like had never had a colonoscopy before. It's kind of awkward thinking someone's going into your butt.

What are they going to find and what's going to happen? All of it. So he really put me at ease and he was chatting with me. And it was so crazy that it came up because I mentioned my kids or something. And he goes, oh, yeah. How old are they? Eight and ten. He goes, oh, man, that's such fun ages. I remember when my kids were eight and ten, I was their AYSO soccer coach.

And he goes, that was crazy. And I said, oh, well, you'll appreciate this. My daughter's soccer game was last night and things got wild. And he goes, oh, I bet. I remember. So he told me two stories. The first one was when his kid was like five years old. OK, so teeny tiny soccer game where like half the kids are just standing around picking their noses.

The parents got so into it that at one point in time, this one kid who was really good, who was on his team, so he was coaching, was like making his way down the field and was about to make a goal. And the other team's kid is like looking at a butterfly or something. Yeah.

That a dad from the sidelines runs out onto the field, picks up his kid, who's the butterfly gazer, and goes, holds him up and blocks the kick with his son's body.

I literally was just thinking like, oh, a library. When we lived in Silver Lake, there was a nice library over there.

First of all, like.

To, you know, being like, like, you think that's going to count as blocking the goal? You're picking him up to, like, block this flight. And also, like, if you were that dad and I saw you do that when you're kids five, I will never look at you the same way again. I will always only think of how you have no self-control. You're obsessive. Like, who does that?

This story gets the story. The next one's even crazier. And it's actually really interesting. That one's probably pretty depressing. Pretty dark. Okay. Now this was, he said his kids now in their late 30s, so this was almost 30 years ago, which I think this context is a little important because I think the way it would be dealt with today would be vastly different. Okay.

It was a championship game, his kid's team versus this other team. His kid is their goalie. Okay. My, what's that called? Anesthesiologist. The other team's coach's kid is like the striker. Okay.

He's doing a penalty kick and it's for the winning point for the game.

And this coach was really intense and the kid's really, really good. And so it's like two coaches and there are two kids facing off.

And the kid misses it.

I think it's blocked.

The other coach runs out in front of everyone and slaps his kid in the face. Now, this is where I'm talking about those parents where it's like borderline abusive. This is obviously actually— Yes. And today, I would be calling 911 so fast and would be going, I just witnessed abuse happen to a child. Like, how fucking crazy is that?

It's beautiful. But you have to go downtown to go to it.

I know back then things were a little more loosey-goosey, but still so outrageous that this anesthesiologist is telling this story. So what happened was this coach was banned from coaching again. But you're like, you know that kid's getting abused at home. If your dad is willing to come hit you... Like I can totally see them in the backyard and be like, again, again, you know.

The saddest thing ever. And like for a dad to care so much, first of all, humiliating the kid, clearly abusing him at home over this. Like this is where I'm like sports parents getting so crazy is so fucked up. Yeah. Anyway, that's all.

Yeah. Yeah. And also, I'm, like, thinking about what happened with our team and, like, the mom who's going to call the cops. Which, by the way, our daughter was like, I mean, what are they going to do? Like, come arrest us? And it was, like, half joking, but also half not. And I'm like, no, honey, no one's getting arrested.

Coming over with their pads. So we heard that the score was... Anyway, those parents who were like that and yelling teeters and stuff like that. It's just like... Regardless, I guess it's easy to say when we're on the other team, but regardless of what happened or didn't happen, ultimately, my view is refs. Now, we don't know what happened.

Whoa.

You easily could have missed a goal and we rightfully won or they were right and lost.

Do you need to start doing vocal warm-ups?

And watching basketball, I'm like, refs sometimes make mistakes. That's their job is they have to make a call, right?

With the information that they have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so to then, I don't know, berate the other team of children, it's just like – and also that their kids are flipping off. Like our children would never – to have the audacity to flip off another person, no matter what, you know, it's just, it speaks to a certain kind of etiquette.

Regularly.

Sure. Sure.

Wild.

Yeah. Oh, and then I just want to end with this and then we'll move on.

I was talking to my, my pal DJ Nash and we're talking about colonoscopies and how it's such a, It's a strange sensation to wake up from the dream of propofol and be like, oh, someone was just up in my guts. But I have no like sensation that that happened. There's no like... there's no nothing. It's not like your butt feels like someone's been here or anything.

In my case, what was interesting is my doctor, who I adore and who has done a lot of my upper endoscopy stuff for my shotskies ring, has such a nice, warm bedside manner and really makes you feel like you're in good hands. And he said this in a way that I like actually put me at ease in the moment. But then afterwards, I was like, huh, where he's asking me all the questions.

Do you understand the risks? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yep, yep, yep. And he goes, OK, let's party.

And then I get wheeled into the room.

I get wheeled into the room. Now, I have a really good, fun rapport with him. I joke. I made a joke about, like, he's closing the loop on me. Like, he's been upstairs and now he's going downstairs kind of thing.

I'm in the prep area.

Let's party. No, that would be terrible. But it is a weird sensation when he did say let's party and then I get wheeled into the room and now there's two women and two men in that room. You know, two nurses and the anesthesiologist and my surgeon. And... Then you wake up and you're in recovery area, right? And you're a little bit like, did you party?

No, but it didn't come across that way, but I think saying it out loud, you can see how it might feel that way. But anyway, clean. I got an A plus for a clean colon. Very clean colon. I'm happy for you. One little... Polyp? Removed.

They just cut it out.

How else would they do it?

Yeah, something like that. How else would they do it?

Laparoscopic is like kind of the same thing.

So anyway, such a relief to have this clean bill of health. My, my, I got my boobs scanned. Good. Colon scan. Good. I feel like I'm entering 2025 with like solid medical, um, foundation. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

You know, for someone who for a brief period of time early in our relationship really wanted to be in my butt, you sure seem put off by it. So I'm glad that that never happened.

You wanted to get in my butt at one point, didn't you?

Well, I'm glad that I never afforded you the privilege. If that's how you, you were so like, ugh.

They only have a certain number of digital copies.

It was glistening, pink glistening.

By the way, I do want to say, and then I know we're going long, is I really think in relationships, like, having a sense of humor is very important. And I would tell my kids, make sure you have someone that you can laugh with. Let's party. You can party with. Someone that you respect and respects you, obviously.

Integrity. Okay. But you also, something I scored in with you that has only really come to light, I'd say, in the last five years or so, is how you take such good care of me. And I think especially having lost my mom at such a young age, it is really, really important. And it means so much to me that I have someone who really takes good care of me. Like, you took me...

There in the morning, whereas I could have Ubered, but you were like, no, I want to take you. You waited for me. You took me home. You make sure I have the food I want. You did this when I had COVID recently where you're like, you really, and there's, it seems like it's no sweat to you. You almost enjoy it.

Not to gender this, but I think that it is much more common for the woman in a heteronormative relationship to be the caregiver. And, you know, I don't know, it's kind of baked in for me to take care of something or someone when they're sick. Yeah. You return the favor. Like, there are a lot of men, for example, when their wives get cancer, bounce. Do you know that?

But I know, jokes aside, I'm not worried in the least about that situation with you, which is like weirdly comforting. And you do make – you make sure I'm fed well, which to me is like specific to being kind of sick or weakened love language.

Regular? Yeah. Regular.

And you really get it and you're like – you were on top of it. You're like – What can I have ready for you when you get out of this situation? And I said, I want this apple croissant from Starbucks. You had it for me in the car. And then it was like, what do you want to eat now? It was very thoughtful.

And listen, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. So I'm not saying... I think for some people, maybe this isn't as important. And I do think it goes to like not having my mom around and caring for me through certain things. Like I went through a horrible situation after my parents died with my wisdom teeth coming out and getting sick and having to call 911 for myself and everything.

Well, no. Okay.

Having no one around like I think that so it gives me a sense of security that maybe is bigger than for other people. But I think there are a lot of people where they like they wouldn't even ask their husbands to be like, can you take me in the morning? So it'd be like, no, just Uber or like and then and then I'll take you home. But then I'm going to go off and do whatever.

Eggs. Eggs. Okay. Cool.

And like you can order something. I don't know. I don't know what it looks like, but I don't know that I don't think everyone has what I have. I'm grateful. Okay. But I'm sure a lot of people do have that.

On that note, good night. Good night.

That's so nice. Thank you, Kiana. But first, we want to thank this week's partner, OneSkin, the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. For a limited time, get 15% off. Use code NLR when you check out at OneSkin.co.