Kira

Because I don't want to be there. I feel like I'm going to cry.

I think last year was so terrible, incredibly terrible for me. And the thought of being back in that space feels awful. Why would I choose that?

I think for things to change. Like, it's not like things are better. than where they were almost a year ago. It's just like enough time has passed that I don't feel like shit every day, but it's not like much has changed. You know, I'm learning to deal with it.

No, because I feel like there are parts of me that want... To continue to have a lot of space and not really have a relationship, but I'm also not in a place where I'm not ready to do that either. And so that's hard. Like, I don't want to not have a relationship with him. But do you want to feel a little bit shitty every day for the rest of your life?

Or do you want to feel like one big, terrible, gaping wound and then allow that to heal and then keep living? But a lot of people choose the, like, tiny paper cuts every day.

Yeah. And I'm just not interested in the tiny paper cuts every day.

Yeah, I mean, I've thought about it a lot, like... You know, it's not lost on me that you're closer. And it's odd, but I'm not, like, upset about it. I mean, I know I sound upset, but I think it's just very layered for me.

Yeah.

But I think part of me, in, like, a very bizarre way, is, like, glad that you both have had that. You know, it's not something at all that I can... can give him and I don't know if I ever will be able to anymore.

So like, let's say these things don't come true and he's willing to say like, I was wrong about these things. I don't feel like that would affect his beliefs around like me. Like even if he's right about everything else, I'm probably still going to be gay after that.

I think the hardest part is that he looked at me and told me that I was wrong about myself and that he was right. And I don't understand how he could know that.

When this gift came, I was very happy. I wanted it for a long time. But still, when I think about the way it came to me, the price I had to pay for it, I'm ready to give everything back just to have my father returned. My dad was the one who would always give me advice. And now, without him, I don't know what to do.

Because I don't want to be there. I feel like I'm going to cry. I think last year was so terrible. incredibly terrible for me and the thought of being back in that space feels awful why would i choose that i'm not gonna get okay with him believing that i'm somebody that i'm not and and wanting so badly for me to be something else.

And it's hard because I say that and then I immediately think, well, that's what I want from him. I want him to fundamentally change who he is and be a different person. That's where I feel stuck. It's like when you when we both we want the same things from each other. And I don't know if that's possible.

I think the hardest part is that he, like, looked at me and told me that I was wrong about myself and that he was right. And I don't understand how he could know that.

So, like, let's say these things don't come true and he's willing to say, like, I was wrong about these things. I don't feel like that would affect his beliefs around me. Like, even if he's right about everything else, I'm probably still going to be gay after that.