Kwame Christian
Appearances
Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update
Say Yes To The Ex: Exes Have Layers
I know this is true because I used to be like that until I realized that negotiation isn't a talent. It's a skill that anyone can learn. And once I did, everything changed. I went from people pleaser to confident communicator. And now I teach Fortune 500 leaders and top executives how to do the same.
Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update
Say Yes To The Ex: Exes Have Layers
Listen to Negotiate Anything on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update
Say Yes To The Ex: Exes Have Layers
I know this is true because I used to be like that until I realized that negotiation isn't a talent. It's a skill that anyone can learn. And once I did, everything changed. I went from people pleaser to confident communicator. And now I teach Fortune 500 leaders and top executives how to do the same.
Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update
Say Yes To The Ex: Exes Have Layers
Listen to Negotiate Anything on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So, okay, I'm going to re-anchor in this type of way. I'm going to use bracketing and all these things, right? But the thing is, we have not done a couple of things. Number one, we haven't taken the time to gather information. And number two, we haven't taken the time, most importantly, to create the conditions for persuasion. So think about it.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
If somebody is threatening you, they are not always operating from the strategic part of their brain. They're not using their prefrontal cortex and frontal lobe. They're often threatening you from a position of fear. And you use these rational tactics, you make these rational points to an irrational actor. You haven't taken the time to lower the emotional temperature of the room.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So the psychology behind compassionate curiosity in this situation is that when you're very, very emotional, you're using the amygdala within the limbic system. So you're responding emotionally, which is counterproductive to clear thinking. So it's an antagonistic relationship between the amygdala and the frontal lobe. Frontal lobe is rational thinking, clear thinking. Amygdala is just emotions.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
You can't think clearly. So we need to walk them to rationality. So I'm going to say, hey, In this situation, what I'd say is this. So, hey, correct me if I'm wrong, Charles, but it sounds like something's changed on your end. Can you help me understand what's changed? And so then they're going to give some information or they might play it a little bit guarded.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
I'll say, okay, I'm still in step one at this point. There's still some barrier in the situation. It sounds like there's some pressures on your side. And I understand that the market's really tough. If you could help me to understand what these pressures are that are pushing you to do this. dann kann ich helfen, eine Lösung auszuarbeiten.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Aber wenn ich kein Verständnis habe, dann kann ich hier nicht einfach eine Entscheidung machen. Also jetzt beginnt man, diese emotionalen Temperaturen zu reduzieren, diese Informationen zu sammeln, das herauszuholen, richtig? Also in dieser Konversation, der frühen Konversation, stehe ich jetzt an. Ich mache keine Entscheidungen, nichts überhaupt.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ich sammle einfach Informationen, managiere die Emotionen, kreiere diese Verbindung. Und dann sammle ich die Informationen, stelle einen Stopp und sage, hey, hör mal, ich kann keine Entscheidungen jetzt machen. Lass mich zurückgehen, spreche mit meinem Team und herausführe, was wir tun können. Also Schritt 1 in dieser wirklich schwierigen, hostileen Verhandlung ist compassionate curiosity.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So you don't damage the relationship, but you also create the psychological safety necessary to extract information, because negotiation is an information game. Now I can come back to the table with some of these high-level strategies, and I can put these high-level strategies together within a really simple mental model for flow of communication.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Because a lot of times what these really tactical negotiators end up doing is, conversationally, they speak tactic to tactic. They don't talk human to human.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So by having compassionate curiosity as the tactical glue that keeps all of these together, you can create a connection and actually create the conditions for persuasion, which amplifies the likelihood of you actually using the tactics effectively, because the person is now receptive.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Yeah, so this, it was, it was mind-blowing, Charles, but also, like, frankly, annoying. I didn't like it. I always wanted to have, I wanted to have this, oh, this revelation where I create something really, really, that's, like, academic, right? Compassion and curiosity is very, very, it's very powerful.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
I believe in it, too, but I wanted something that... It takes time and skill to develop it, though. 100%, right? And a lot of discipline. But I wanted something that, like, sounded fancy.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Okay, also ich dachte mir, okay, was sind die Fähigkeiten der Top-Negotiator? Wenn ich diese Interviews mit ihnen habe und sie gehen runter, ihre Methodologien und solche Dinge, dann drücke ich sie, um mir eine Geschichte zu erzählen. Erzähl mir eine Geschichte von einigen der stärksten Negotiations, die du gehabt hast. Das, was überraschend war, war, dass sie die Taktiken stoppten. Okay.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
They aren't saying, oh, I did this and it's that tactic, I did this and it's that tactic and citing books and stuff. They just relied on these core skills. So when the heat is on, the best professionals in the industry, they're not using these name tactics that they often teach in their methodologies. They're just, they're flowing. How are they flowing? Right. So that led me to two discoveries.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Discovery number one. You only need three core skills to be a good negotiator. Just three. Just three. And any tactic is really just a combination of those three used at the right time. So number one, become a better listener. Number two, become better at asking questions. And number three...
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
All stated through continuous improvement. Because the thing is, there's going to be something that leads to a performance gap in certain situations. Maybe you have a bias against somebody. Maybe somebody has a bias against you. Maybe it's a certain circumstance where you just struggle to listen or ask questions. Because everybody's listened effectively. Everybody's asked questions effectively.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
The real power comes in recognizing in those certain circumstances where you're not good at it. So you can amplify the skill when it's necessary.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So let me give you the ultimate listening tactic and then I will talk about how you can do that self-evaluation. So first, I like to use the empathy loop. So again, three steps. First step, this is going to blow your mind, Charles. Step one is listen. Step two is summarize. And again, use your own words, but you can say, hey, correct me where I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're saying this.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Tell me if I got this right, but it seems like you're trying to say this. So you're going to summarize this.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Hey man, it's great to be here and thanks for broing out beforehand too.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And it sounds condescending. Because you and I have both been in conversations with our significant other and they're like, what did I just say? You're not listening. What did I just say? And then you verbatim say what they just said. Do they feel good about that?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And then with step number three, this is the magic. Because we don't advance in the conversation until they give us the green light. So I summarize and then I'll say, hey, was that a fair synopsis? Am I close on that? What did I miss? Right? And so we don't go, this is like a checkpoint in the conversation. Right?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And so this is really important because we don't want to do this with everything that they say because then it becomes clinical and weird. But you do this at certain times, like when you recognize that this is a very important point. Du merkst, dass ihre Stimme in Volumen erhöht ist, was normalerweise signale, dass sie sich nicht hören fühlen. Also langsam und so.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Und dann ehrlich gesagt, Mann, ich mache das manchmal, wenn ich nicht weiß, was ich sagen soll. Oder ich fühle mich überrascht oder ich bin verloren. Und ich nenne es einfach so ein kleiner Zeitraum. Richtig. Also ich werde das nur machen, um den Spass der Gespräche zu senken, damit ich mich sammeln kann. Ja. Aber das ist der Tool.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Aber eines der Dinge, die ich gerne tue, oder ich sollte nicht sagen, dass ich es gerne tue, ich mag das gar nicht. Was ich als effektiv gefunden habe, Charles, ist, nach bestimmten Gesprächen mit Leuten wie Familie, Freunden, Leuten auf meinem Team, ist zu sagen, wie habe ich dich während dieser Gespräche gefühlt? Or asking them to rate your listening from 1 to 10.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Wow, okay. So, my name is Kwame Christian, founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute, host of the number one negotiation podcast in the world, Negotiate Anything, and two-time best-selling author. So, for me, my goal is to help to make difficult conversations easier. And I know, Charles, you know this. When it comes to negotiation, there are some ways that we can overcomplicate things.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Smart man. Und was cool ist, weil du siehst, wie die Psychologie eine wirkliche Rolle spielt. Und das ist mit meiner Methodologie. Ich habe gesagt, okay, cool. Ja, ich kenne die Taktiken. Ich bin ein Taktiker in vielen Fällen. Aber ich will das Psychologie-Betrieb nutzen, um die Psychologie zu verstehen, um den Menschen die Psychologie für zwei Grundsätze zu erlernen.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Nummer eins, es gibt den Menschen die Kraft und Resilienz, die Taktiken zu nutzen, weil jetzt, dass sie verstehen, warum die Taktiken wert sind, haben sie mehr Glauben in die Taktiken. Denn oft ist die Unterschiede zwischen einem Experten und einem Novice Negotiator nur Glauben und Resilienz. Oder ein Baseballspieler.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Der Novice wird sagen, okay, ich habe das für fünf Minuten versucht, es hat nicht funktioniert. Und der Experte wird sagen, ja, ich werde nur die Psychologie nutzen, die funktioniert.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
But when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, we need to have two things. We have to have mindset and skill set. Right. Not only do we have to know what to do or say, but we have to have the confident mindset to be able to do or say what needs to be said or done when it needs to be said or done, right?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Zuerst einmal möchte ich die Minimum Effektive Dose finden. Ich kann sehr tief in die Psychologie gehen. Ich denke, es ist super cool. Ich gehe also auf die Ebene, auf die sie es nehmen wollen. So most people, they like as much as I don't like tactics, they want tactics. So I have to take the psychology and make it seem like a tactic, you know, so I'll go over it really quickly.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So going back to the amygdala, the limbic system and frontal lobe, just explaining why with Why that works. Because a lot of times, especially when you're talking to people who, like there's money on the line. I don't have time for feelings. I just want to talk about the deal terms. Money is the only thing that matters. I'm like, why are you here? You're here because it doesn't work.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So can we level set on this here? So by breaking that down, they can say, okay, now I see where this is. So I tell them, it doesn't make sense to send a message to a person who is not psychologically ready to receive it. You know that brilliant thing that you just said? Doesn't work, because they're not psychologically ready. You've got to get them in the right mindset.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So when you label the emotions, the part of the brain that accepts or rejects the label is located in the frontal lobe. And so by activating the frontal lobe in that way, that's what calms people down. Then when you think about cortisol secretion, that is the stress hormone. It takes some time for that to work out of your system so you can think clearly. Like 10, 15 minutes sometimes.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And for me, I've recognized for too many years in the negotiation industry, we've been giving recipes to people who are afraid to get in the kitchen. It's not that they don't know what to do, they just don't have the confidence to overcome those fears.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So at the first quarter of the conversation, you should just be in relationship trust building mode to get the person to feel psychologically safe so you can actually have the conversation. And the thing is too, going back to what you were talking about with the yes stacking, this is a perfect example of why this tactical approach doesn't work.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Because persuasion is at its best when it's imperceptible. So after negotiations with me, I don't want people to say, yeah, Kwame just like steamrolled me or overwhelmed me or anything like that. It's like, no, I had a conversation with Kwame and after we chatted it out a bit, I decided to do this, right?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Because at the end of the day, if you can use compassionate curiosity to create a connection and create trust and lower the barrier and defenses... dann brauchst du nicht wirklich zu negotieren. Du hast einfach eine Konversation. Hey, Charles, du und ich haben das gleiche Ziel. Let's try to figure out how to work this out. That feels better to everybody else.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So we're not taking it into a negotiation. We're just saying this is a natural conversation. And that's really what I want people to do. I want to make this more approachable. Because if we say to ourselves, oh yeah, these are these smoky backroom deals, this is a really hard thing, everybody's stressed out. No, there's one word I've never used in a negotiation.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Well, there are lots of words, but for the sake of this podcast.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Negotiation. I never use it. I never say, hey, we're going to have this negotiation. Let's talk about the negotiation. I just say, hey, let's hop on the phone and chat. Hey, let's talk through this. Hey, when are you free to work through the numbers? Whatever. Because I know as soon as I say the word negotiation, now they're gearing up for war. No, we're just having a conversation.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And for me, there's a different approach for negotiation for me, like my entry point into it, because a lot of folks might say, yeah, I've been a corporate executive, so now I'm a negotiation expert. Or I've made millions in sales, so now I'm a negotiation expert. Or I was a hostage negotiator, now I'm a negotiation expert. But for me, my story is different.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ich denke, ehrlich gesagt, und das wird sehr einfach klingen, aber weil es so ist, müssen wir zuerst interessiert sein. Denn wir können es hier verkaufen, Charles, du und ich, wir können darüber sprechen, wie wichtig es ist. Aber es wird nicht, die Leute werden nichts tun, ohne dass sie irgendeine echte Interesse erzeugen. Also, lasst uns das in den Menschen spüren.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Also, der erste Ort, um zu beginnen, ist, indem wir Aufmerksamkeit bezahlen. Ich liebe meine Frau, sie ist sehr patient. Aber wenn ich TV sehe und wir versuchen, unsere Gehirne zu öffnen und Realität zu sehen, wie TV-Schläge oder so, dann pausiere ich immer. Ich dachte immer, das ist der Grund, warum das nicht funktioniert hat. Hast du gesehen, dass ihre Gesichtspräsen sich verändert haben?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ihr seht das? Unsere Mannschaft hat dieselbe Frustration.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ja, aber das ist so, wie man anfängt, Mann. Du fängst an, Aufmerksamkeit zu zahlen, weil du anfängst zu sehen, oh, warte einen Sekunden. Wie wenn du anfängst, Körpersprache zu erkennen, was unglaublich ist und anfängst, es tatsächlich so zu denken, wie ein echter Sprache. Du merkst, dass die Körper der Menschen immer schreien. So you start to become better at people watching.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
I was a people pleaser for the majority of my life. And it wasn't until I found negotiation in law school that I started to recognize this was a skill, not a talent. And so from there, it was just about developing the skills and sharing it with the world.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ooh, is that interaction going well? Is that interaction going poorly? Why or why not? Okay, in my negotiations now, I'm going to think back to some of the ones that I had and I say, well, this tactic worked really well, just like the book said in this conversation. But the same tactic didn't just not work.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Yeah, like, what is... So what happened, right? So now you start asking the right question. Now we start triggering the curiosity necessary. So start studying up on body language. Start studying up on personality. Start studying up on culture. Start studying up on emotional intelligence.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Because again, if we bring this back to compassionate curiosity, now you're putting yourself in a position to make better reads in the moment. I can connect with people and I can understand the things that are causing the barriers to connection, right? So that's the thing. And think about this, Charles. Imagine, which would you rather be?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Would you rather have all of the negotiation skills in the world and no trust or connection with the other person or all the trust and connection and zero negotiation skills?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Yeah, I know. So let me say, let me do favorite in two ways, entertainment and practicality. I'll give you the practical one. So the, the, the, the body language becomes more truthful the further away we get from the head. Yes. Denn wir wurden jünger gelernt zu lügen. Deine Tochter gibt dir diese Socken für dein Geburtstag und du öffnest sie, und du denkst dir, oh, danke.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Sei glücklich, richtig? Also, die Leute wissen nicht, wie sie mit ihren Füßen lügen. Also, in Networking-Situationen, wenn ich jemanden treffe, werde ich nicht auf ihre Füße stören, wie ein Krebs. Aber ich werde mir sicher sein, ob ihre Beine an den Ausflug oder an mich. Sobald ich es sehe, wollen sie gehen.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ich werde es an einem hohen Punkt beenden, bevor es nach unten beginnt und den Kontakt bekommen, was auch immer der Nachfolger ist. Das ist der praktische Teil. Jetzt kommen wir zum lustigen Teil. Also, wenn du draußen bist, zum Beispiel zu Abend oder so, Yes, pay attention to your date. Be a good date. But then look at the other dates.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And so what I want you to pay attention to is blocking behavior. So for instance, if you cross your arms, of course you want to focus on clusters of body language, not gestures and isolation. So it's going to be something else.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
But crossing your arms, closing your eyes for extended period of time, those are examples of blocking behavior because you're protecting yourself from the stimulus that's in front of you. But when you're out at dinner, Das ist, wo es wirklich Spaß macht, weil du dich mit den Dingen um dich herum blockierst. Also meine Kuppe könnte an der Seite gewesen sein.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Und jetzt, wenn ich dich nicht mag, stelle ich die Kuppe zwischen uns, richtig? Die Karabiner von Wasser. Okay, cool. Ja, das war an der Seite. Jetzt ist es zwischen uns. Und so war es so, hey Mann, schau. Ich werde da sitzen.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
What are you doing? I liked it to the side and my producer told me for sound quality, put it here. And then I kept on, I'm super expressive, I kept on hitting it, so I'm like, okay, if I keep it like right here, now I can still express.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Yes, so check out negotiateanything.com and we have the podcast Negotiate Anything, of course, but also we're putting on a series of virtual trainings. So we have one that is going to be for Realtors, but then we'll have another one that is just for difficult conversations in general. And then the third one that is from called from people pleaser to confident communicator.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So how to overcome those fears, fight those internal barriers so you can be the confident negotiator you always wanted to be. But the best place is just check out negotiateanything.com if you want any of those resources. oder in anderen Bereichen mit uns arbeiten wollen. Und dann, wenn du nur 0 Dollar verdienen kannst, kannst du über 1.500 Videos von Negotiate Anything auch haben. Ich liebe es.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Lass mich durch das. Ja. Oftmals haben Menschen einen anderen Ursprungspunkt, woher das kommt. Und für mich bin ich ein erster Generation Karibikamerikaner. Und ich bin in einer kleinen Stadt aufgewachsen, Tiffin, Ohio. Und wenn du sagst, wo ist Tiffin? Das ist der Punkt.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Also habe ich immer gesagt, dass es nur vier schwarze Menschen in Tiffin waren. Ich, meine Mutter, mein Vater, mein Bruder. Und wir standen nicht nur visuell, sondern auch audibler, weil wir Karibik-Akzente hatten. Ja. So I remember one time in first grade going on the playground during recess and trying to find people to play with me.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And I went to one group of students and said, hey, can I play with you? They said no. Then another group, hey, can I play with you? And they said no. Then like time was running out. So I said, okay, let me try this last group. Can I play with you? No. And so the bell rang and I walked inside and just started bawling, just couldn't control the tears. And then my teacher said, what's wrong?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And I said, nobody will play with me. Und so, Charles, that day, at age six, I said to myself, I will never, ever feel this way again. Everybody's going to like me, I'm going to have a lot of friends, and I'm never going to feel this lonely and embarrassed again. So, from the outside looking in, you would see it was a success.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Because you would say, okay, he went through eighth grade, he became the most popular kid in school, same thing in high school, captain of the basketball team, created the chess team, you know, captain of the tennis team, all of these things, right? But they don't recognize the hidden and silent sacrifices and compromises I made to do that.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ich würde Ja sagen, wenn ich Nein sagen wollte, und ich würde einfach weitergehen, um weiterzumachen. Und ich wollte andere Leute zu lieben, aber manchmal, als ich diese Zufriedenheit gemacht habe, habe ich mich nicht geliebt. Und deshalb wusste ich nicht, wie ich es überwachen kann. Ich dachte, ich wäre verletzt, so zu sein. Ich habe nicht mal diese Verbindung gemacht, wie ich es geschafft habe.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Also studierte ich Psychologie und studierte, wie man Angst und Phobien überwachen kann. Und dann die Vorstellung von Top-Performance. Und dann habe ich gemerkt, okay, ich kann anfangen, auf mich selbst zu arbeiten, um diese Angst zu überwinden. Und dann, als ich in die Rechtsschule kam, war das, als ich in die Negotiationsklasse ging. Und ich ging nach Ohio State.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Und sie haben das Top-Ranked-to-Dispute-Resolution-Programm in der Stadt. Also liebte ich die Klasse. Und ich sagte, oh mein Gott, das ist, wie ich es tatsächlich tue. Und so hatten sie diese Negotiationskompetenzen. Also es ist wie ein Mock-Trial, aber für Dealmaking.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So my partner and I, we won the competition at the school and that gave us the opportunity to represent the school at the American Bar Association competition in Ottawa, Ontario. And we won that competition too. So I was sold.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And so for me, Charles, I was saying, all right, this is great for me because every time I stand up for myself, every time I have a tough conversation, I am casting a ballot in favor of the man that I ultimately want to become. But at the same time, I realized, wait a second. Es sind wahrscheinlich andere Menschen in der Welt, die mit dem gleichen Problem kämpfen.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ich will etwas für sie erschaffen. Und das ist es, was mich auf den Weg mit dem American Negotiation Institute und dem Podcast und dem Rest der Geschichte gebracht hat.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Du hast 100 Prozent recht. Und also denken wir an das kurze Szenario, richtig? Weil, wie du gesagt hast, langfristige Therapie, Journalismus, Introspection, das ist, was wir wirklich brauchen. Du weißt, dass Selbstliebe wichtig ist. Aber wir haben nicht immer die Zeit für Jahre Therapie vor unseren schwierigen Gesprächen. Also was tun wir?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
One of the things that I've done is I created a survivability test. So think about taking the BATNA to the next level. So BATNA, we talk about the best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Then if you go down, we have the other ones that don't sound as cool. So I don't think they're as popular. We have MALATNA, we have WATNA.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So most likely outcome and, you know, worst, you know, but BATNA is usually good enough. Aber für mich denke ich an den Überlebens-Test in Bezug auf meine Gerechtigkeit und das Gefühl von genug und dem Gefühl von Sicherheit. Also sage ich, wie im Worst-Case-Szenario, lasst uns durchgehen. Was sind die Dinge, von denen ich Angst habe?
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Und was interessant ist, Charles, ist, dass wenn du das durchgehst, wenn du es durchgehst, ohne es in einer strukturierten Übungsform zu tun hast, What ends up happening is we go through this catastrophizing cycle, where for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, maybe even years, we just cycle over the worst possible outcomes. And so I say, I turn it into an internal negotiation.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And we can talk about my frameworks for internal and external negotiation in a bit. But I say, all right, cool. You want to freak out? Let's freak out. Let's do this. So I'm going to set the timer. We're going to freak out for 10 minutes, but I'm going to write out everything that I'm afraid of. And then I'll realize like,
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Es werden vielleicht fünf bis acht Gefühle sein, aber dann fange ich einfach an zu reisen. Es ist nicht viel, es sind nur ein paar Dinge, die ich viel überlege. Und so jedes Mal, wenn ich sage, okay, wenn dieses Worst-Case-Szenario passiert, wie werde ich überleben? Wenn dieses passiert, wie würde ich überleben? Und ich erkenne, dass es einen Weg zum Überleben und Glück gibt.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Und, du weißt, am Ende des Tages, ich könnte den Deal bekommen, ich könnte nicht. Sie könnten mich lieben, sie könnten nicht. Und ich sage einfach, ich werde weiter atmen. I'm still going to live. Exactly. And so once I start to see that really clearly, then I have less fears because I say no matter what happens in this situation, I will find a way to be okay.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And that allows me to then be more present in front of the person and actually engage with the person rather than having to fight the demons of my fears in the middle of the conversation.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Genau. Also lasst mich mit zwei Quoten anfangen und dann breche ich das Framework. Also zwei Quoten. Da Vinci und Bruce Lee. Leonardo da Vinci sagte, Simplizität ist die ultimative Sophistikation. Bruce Lee sagte, ich habe keine Angst vor dem Mann, der 10.000 Kicks kennt. Ich habe keine Angst vor dem Mann, der 10.000 Mal einen Kick praktiziert hat. Und compassionate curiosity.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Weil für mich, nachdem ich über 1500 Episoden von Negotiate Anything gemacht habe, von den Besten in der Industrie gelernt habe, in Ohio State gelernt habe, mit Google, Apple, NASA, Intel gearbeitet habe, all diesen großen Firmen, habe ich gemerkt, ja, es gibt tausende verschiedene Negotiationsstrategien, aber für die Mehrheit der Situationen braucht man nur ein einfaches mentales Modell, mit dem man fließt und die Grundlagen benutzt.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Mit Compassionate Curiosity ist es ein dreistelliges Framework, das intensiv einfach ist, aber in derselben Weise für interne und externe Negotiationen verwendet wird. Schritt 1 ist, die Emotionen, Gefühle oder Glauben zu akzeptieren. Schritt 2 ist, mit Compassion zu interessieren. Und Schritt 3 ist, gemeinsame Problemlösungen zu nutzen.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So if there's an emotional issue, you want to address it, label it and lower the emotional temperature of the room. Once we get to a productive state where we can actually think clearly, then we go to step two, which is getting curious with compassion.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And then when we have enough information by asking those questions with a compassionate tone, with the emotional temperatures at a manageable place, now we just work with the other side, not against them to find a solution. So you see how a lot of the core principles of negotiation are just embedded in it, but it just helps, you know, it make better reads.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Also intern sage ich, okay, ich werde das, was ich fühle, bezeichnen. Was fühle ich? Sagen wir, ich fühle mich wütend. Nun, ich werde tiefer gehen, weil Wut oft eine zweite Emotion ist, nicht eine primäre Emotion. Es gibt etwas anderes, das dich wütend fühlt. Ich fühle mich enttäuscht, ich fühle mich enttäuscht. Alles klar. Was anderes? Nein, ich denke, das entfaltet es. Gut.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
So then I go to number two with myself. So I'm saying, all right, then I'm going to say, well, why do I feel that way? And I'm going to answer those questions until I get to the root of it. And as you're going through this, you start to calm down. And we can run through like the psychology in a second if you're interested.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And then lastly, with this third step, joint problem solving, we're saying, okay, I want to figure out what would satisfy me emotionally. And then what should I actually do in this scenario? So now I'm actually thinking proactively and planning.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And so that's how you use internal compassionate curiosity before the conversation to gather yourself so you can be clear headed and perform at your top level.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Ja, also ich denke, es kommt darauf hin, Mann. Wiederum, Simplizität ist die ultimative Sophistikation. Also es ist nie eine Frage, ob oder nicht kompassionierte Kuriosität applies. Es ist nur eine Frage, wie. Also für mich, wenn ich mit diesen Leuten arbeite, die in den Negotiationsprozessen hundreds of millions of dollars in their deal. Compassionate curiosity is the base.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
And then, let's say... But how do they do that? So here's an example. So let's say it's a procurement situation. And so they are trying to deal with a really difficult supplier. Single supplier situation, right? And so then the supplier says, hey, I'm going to make this unilateral threat. I'm going to demand a unilateral price increase. This is a threat. It's going to happen.
I am Charles Schwartz Show
Win Any Negotiation
Sit here and take it or you're never going to produce your thing. So now it's a situation where typically this is where it turns into a fight, where we might say, okay, we're going to dig in our heels, we're going to lash back and now it becomes like a tug of war. Where it's very, very ugly. Or it's a situation where you might just go straight to your negotiation tactics, right?
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. But most people avoid them, staying silent, missing opportunities, and holding themselves back. I know this is true because I used to be one of those people. As a kid, I struggled to fit in and I was afraid to speak up. That fear followed me into adulthood until I realized something powerful. Negotiation isn't a talent.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
It's a skill anyone can learn. And it starts with negotiating with yourself. Breaking through fear, self-doubt, and the limits we place on ourselves. Now I help people from all walks of life, whether it's people closing multi-million dollar deals, parents setting boundaries, students finding their voice, or professionals advancing their careers.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
If you want to handle tough conversations, get what you deserve, and take control of your future, this podcast is for you. I'm Kwame Christian, host of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world, where you'll learn one simple truth. You don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
Listen to Negotiate Anything on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. But most people avoid them, staying silent, missing opportunities, and holding themselves back. I know this is true because I used to be one of those people. As a kid, I struggled to fit in and I was afraid to speak up. That fear followed me into adulthood until I realized something powerful. Negotiation isn't a talent.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
It's a skill anyone can learn. And it starts with negotiating with yourself, breaking through fear, self-doubt, and the limits we place on ourselves. Now I help people from all walks of life, whether it's people closing multi-million dollar deals, parents setting boundaries, students finding their voice, or professionals advancing their careers.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
If you want to handle tough conversations, get what you deserve, and take control of your future, this podcast is for you. I'm Kwame Christian, host of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world, where you'll learn one simple truth. You don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.
Stuff You Should Know
Chinese Food: Best Food?
Listen to Negotiate Anything on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations, but most people avoid them, staying silent, missing opportunities, and holding themselves back. I know this is true because I used to be one of those people. As a kid, I struggled to fit in and I was afraid to speak up. That fear followed me into adulthood until I realized something powerful. Negotiation isn't a talent.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
It's a skill anyone can learn. And it starts with negotiating with yourself, breaking through fear, self-doubt, and the limits we place on ourselves. Now I help people from all walks of life, whether it's people closing multi-million dollar deals, parents setting boundaries, students finding their voice, or professionals advancing their careers.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
If you want to handle tough conversations, get what you deserve, and take control of your future, this podcast is for you. I'm Kwame Christian, host of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world, where you'll learn one simple truth. You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
Listen to Negotiate Anything on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. But most people avoid them, staying silent, missing opportunities and holding themselves back. I know this is true because I used to be one of those people. As a kid, I struggled to fit in and I was afraid to speak up. That fear followed me into adulthood until I realized something powerful. Negotiation isn't a talent.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
It's a skill anyone can learn. And it starts with negotiating with yourself. Breaking through fear, self-doubt, and the limits we place on ourselves. Now I help people from all walks of life, whether it's people closing multi-million dollar deals, parents setting boundaries, students finding their voice, or professionals advancing their careers.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
If you want to handle tough conversations, get what you deserve, and take control of your future, this podcast is for you. I'm Kwame Christian, host of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world, where you'll learn one simple truth. You don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.
Stuff You Should Know
What Makes Disaster Films Great
Listen to Negotiate Anything on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so for me, before negotiation, a big negotiation, before I go on stage to deliver a keynote, I still feel the same nerves and fear that I did before. I just recognize that that's a necessary part of the process and I've learned to enjoy it because it's not going away. I might as well befriend it and recognize it's a signal I'm often on the right track.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And that bass, studies have showed that listening to really aggressive music with a lot of bass gives you a lot more confidence when it comes into a difficult conversation. So blast that music. It is scientifically sound. It works. And when we think about this, what is a belief? A belief is nothing more than a thought that we have thought a number of times and we've absorbed as our own.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so we still have the power to address those beliefs. So in my first book, when I was talking about finding confidence in conflict and I was walking through how I got confidence, I essentially turned myself into my own experiment. My undergrad degree was in psychology. And so what I said is, let me reverse engineer an approach specifically for difficult conversations.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So I treated it like a phobia. So there's something called cognitive behavioral therapy. And at its roots, what you want to do is you want to identify problematic beliefs and thought patterns and then replace them with more empowering beliefs or thought patterns. So I call these helpful fictions. Whether or not it is true, I will choose to believe it because it's helpful for me.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So I say going into any negotiation or conversation. no matter what the situation is i believe that i have the skills to connect with and persuade anybody no matter what the circumstances are no matter who the other person is i can still do it and is that always true Probably not. But because I believe it, it makes it more likely to be true.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Because when you think about the reality of self-fulfilling prophecies, we don't recognize how frequently our disempowering beliefs that are also untrue guide the outcomes of our interactions. Right. So if I go into this conversation and I say, man, you know, Ryan's a tough one. I don't know. He's not probably not going to agree with me.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But I'm still going, I should probably still have the conversation. And I come into the conversation and I'm like, well, Ryan, I got this product for you. I wonder. It's like, no, no. The answer is no. Right. And we don't recognize how much our own belief, our lack of belief had an impact on that. So it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So understanding all of that, I create these helpful fictions to replace those negative thought patterns with precision. And you can't understand what those thought patterns are unless you go through that process of internal negotiation so we can understand really deeply what works for us, what doesn't work for us, and then empower ourselves to do what it takes to get the success that we want.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Yeah, I mean, good fences make good neighbors. We have to have boundaries in all aspects of our life. Now, there are two things that we need to do. First of all, we need to get clarity on what our boundaries are. A lot of times we allow people to infringe on our boundaries because we have not articulated them to ourselves.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So we're in a conversation, somebody asks for something, they're not trying to be pushy or they're infringing upon a boundary. They don't know that there's a boundary. And unfortunately, you might not either.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
You've got this weird feeling, but you can't identify what it is, and then you commit too soon, and then you say, after the fact, you wake up with an emotional hangover where the feeling that made you make that decision is gone, but the decision is still there, so you're stuck, right? So a couple tips here.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
First of all, as much as possible, before conversations, try to figure out what boundaries might come into play. So boundaries in terms of the time that I spend with my family, boundaries in terms of what my upper and lower limit are in terms of money, whatever the negotiation might be. I want to be very clear on what boundaries might be a factor in this conversation so I can have that clarity.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And then what I want to do is if there is somebody who is trying to encroach upon those boundaries, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I know how I'm going to say no. I frame that beforehand so I don't need to try to find some cool way to say no. I already know how I'm going to do it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Now, if you haven't done that work and you find yourself in a conversation, then what you do is you create space between you and the person when it comes to the decision that needs to be made. So we're going to inject time between the request and the response.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So especially for us as people pleasers, we have to recognize that people pleasing pressure will come about in the moment and we will think that we're going to think that we're thinking, but we're actually feeling through the decision. Right. So we're going to succumb to the pressure and not make a rational thought about it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so what I would do is if somebody is asking me something and they say, hey, Kwame, can you do this? And I'm like, I feel that in my chest. I'm like, I'm not 100 percent sure what I should do. What I'll say is this. Hey, thank you for asking. Can you give me a little bit more detail about what it is that you're asking for? Right. So I'm going to gather information.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
I'm going to use it as an opportunity to gather the information I need to make a good decision. And then I'll say, hey, listen, I appreciate the request and the insight here too. Right now, I'm not in a position to make a decision, but let me get back to you either later tonight or tomorrow and I'll let you know.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Now, if they push to make a decision at that time, then what I say is, if you need a decision right now, then the answer has to be no, right? And then people magically find a way to be patient in that situation, right? But for me, when I'm saying no, I like to use this really simple framework where it's a yes, no, yes framework.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So the first yes is to what I'm actually committed to, the reason why I'm going to say no. And then the second, the no is a very, very short, succinct no, because the longer your no goes, the easier it is for somebody to negotiate around it and try to find a way through it. And then at the end, it's a yes to the continuation of either the negotiation or for sure the relationship.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So let's do a simple example. So let's say somebody reaches out to me and like 30 minutes ago, they reach out and they say, hey, Kwame, can you hop on a call real quick? I want to ask you something. I'll say, hey, listen, actually, I'm going to be hanging out with my buddy Ryan. So unfortunately, I have to say no. But let me know when another time is that could work for you.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Really smooth, really smooth, right? And so if you understand how to say no, like the mechanics of it, and then you can prepare and understand what your boundaries are, and you're willing to give yourself time between the request and the decision, those are really simple things you could do to really put your boundaries in place without damaging the relationship in the process.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
It's a massive role, right? Because when you think about a lot of conflicts, whether it's just interpersonal or geopolitical, it is the competition for scarce resources. If we have a scarcity mindset, then we're going to see conflict everywhere because more for me means less for you and vice versa.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But for people who are negotiating, again, for me, I don't want you to think about it in terms of me versus you. It's you and me versus the problem to figure out how we can negotiate together and create a future that works for both of us. That's the goal. But if I have this fixed pie mentality where I'm saying to myself, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is a tug of war.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
more for this person means less for me, then I'm not even able to be creative and collaborative in this situation. And so we have to be able to expand our mind on what works for us, what is valuable to us, what helps us to move forward, because the more paths to victory, the more likely we are to achieve a victory.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
If I can see multiple ways for me to find a better position through this conversation, then I can find ways that help me in a way that are not detrimental to you and vice versa, right? So having an abundance mentality is necessary. And the thing is, I think When it comes to things like confidence, confidence is compartmentalized.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
This is such a great place to start, man. And especially the way that you framed it, negotiating anything, which is the name of the podcast. This is perfect.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
When it comes to our mindset, like versus scarcity versus abundance, that's compartmentalized too. You might have an abundance mentality in all other areas of your life.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But if you lack confidence in these difficult conversations and you have these negative biases about conflict in general, or maybe the person you're talking to, then you're going to have a scarcity mentality as it relates to this instance. And you might not even recognize that's the thing that's holding you back.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
I know. Great job with research. And here's the thing. I think that a lot of times we just need to break it down to the basics. And if we understand the basics, then understanding how to reverse engineer success becomes very easy. So number one, why are we so bad at this? It's because we have never had the opportunity to meaningfully practice.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
I agree. I agree 100%. And again, that's why the negotiation has to begin within, right? And one of the things that I like to do before a really tough one, especially if I feel more anxious before it, is I would put myself through a survivability test.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So, you know, I call it focused catastrophizing because, you know, if you get anxious, you start overthinking and you're like, this could happen and then everything's going to fall apart. Right. And so what I'll say is, OK, here it is.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
List right out every one of your fears, everything that you think might happen, like all of the paths to failure that are just coming to mind and plaguing your mind. Cool. So what will end up happening is that you might see yourself cycling over these things for like months. minutes, hours, days, or sometimes weeks or months, right? And just going over it, going over it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But then when you actually write it out, then you realize, actually, I've just been cycling through the same seven doomsday scenarios. It's not that many bad things that could possibly happen. And then what I'll do is like, all right, pick one, pick each of them. And if that happens, how will you find a way to be okay? Oh, now that's interesting.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Now it becomes a little bit fun because then I can say with each of these scenarios, there is a path to success, not just survivability. I can actually make this situation better. There's so many ways I can be fine. So it helps you to not feel as needy at the negotiation table, but it also sometimes sparks creativity and then the overthinking stops.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Because now you've controlled that process, that fear process, and now you've calmed down, you've quieted your amygdala to the point where you can actually think creatively and strategically. And just doing that helps you shift to a more mindset of abundance because you can say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm good. No matter how this ends up, I will still be good.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
You know, and even like at the worst, like the worst it could possibly be. Sometimes I say, well, at least my wife and kids still love me. I'll still be okay.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Well, I think what would be more helpful is like picking on some, like some actors, you know, some, yeah, because I think that can be less triggering too, because for me, what I do is I say, all right, Who's winning? Who's doing well? And what are some attributes that I like to take? Because sometimes when we say, oh, a specific person, then you kind of get locked in with all those people.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
You know, if I give you a bow and arrow and ask you to shoot a target, most likely you won't hit it. I know I wouldn't. I just don't have the skills. If you give me enough time and rep and put dedicated, diligent practice to it, then we could do it, right? It's the same with difficult conversations.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So I like the presence of Denzel. I think he does a great job of like...
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Focusing on a person and having really powerful dignified presence no matter who it is that he's playing the role as like he would think about Back with remember the Titans, you know, you could just see him walk and even though he was dealing with a lot of racism There was the dignity like people treated him differently just because of the way he carried himself right think McConaughey does a great job of connecting with people and
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
right he's very warm and so i love the warmth of his ability to just connect with somebody in that type of way any of the bond characters have that style and charisma right but i think also we have to give ourselves the latitude to recognize that whether it's a fictional character or a real person we're always seeing an idealized version of themselves
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And sometimes when we compare ourselves to these avatars, we actually can feel more disempowered and less confident because you're like, I'm not that smooth. I can't deliver a line like that. And one of the things that people need to recognize about negotiation, difficult conversations in general, is that you will certainly make mistakes. It's not possible to have a perfect negotiation.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
When I negotiate, I stumble over my words and things like that. It happens. And you will make mistakes and you can recover from those mistakes. I'm afraid of offending somebody. You will. You will, and you can recover by utilizing the same skills. My mentor who taught me how to negotiate, who taught me how to mediate, he had a stutter. He had a stutter, right?
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So he wasn't giving an incredible oratory display, but he's able to connect, empathize, persuade, and in his own way.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So as much as we want to emulate people and we can see elements of people that we can try to replicate in our own authentic way, we also have to recognize that no matter who you are, no matter what you look like, no matter what your background is, there is a path to persuasive communication for you. You are enough as you are.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And sometimes we can idealize things to the point where we actually disempower ourselves, where we say, no, I'm not like that. So I can't be successful. No, you are you and you can be successful.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And I think what ends up happening is that people overcomplicate the situation and they don't recognize that in order to be successful, you just need a core set of skills. And the thing is that we have had flashes of those skills at different times. But we need to put it together with intentionality. So we'll get to those core skills.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
One hundred percent. That's it. That's why I like to focus more on general principles than specifics, because I recognize that when it comes to communication, conflict resolution, negotiation, sales, whatever it happens to be, a lot of times what the author does is they start to codify their own personality. So they're not saying this is what works in general.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
They're saying this is what works for me, but framing it in terms of this is what works in general. Right. So let me give an example. So I was talking to one of the guys on my podcast. He was a Stanford professor, but he also, interestingly, was about 6'6". And so he just made an offhanded comment.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
He was saying, you know, there was only one time in my adult life that I felt small, and I was courtside at a Heat versus Knicks game, and I saw Patrick Ewing, and I was like, I feel tiny. And I said, out of curiosity, what impact do you think your size has on in how people respond to you. He said, I never thought about that. And now think about on the other side. One of my friends is Alex Carter.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
She has a really great book on negotiation. And she wrote a post one time. She said, when I enter a boardroom, nobody sees me coming. No, seriously, I'm very small. They don't see me. Right. And she was talking about how her presence is different.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so what we have to do is we need to recognize that, hey, listen, when we get negotiation advice, we should understand what the underlying principle is. Right. So what are we trying to accomplish? What are we trying to accomplish with the things that we're saying and the way that we're saying it? Right.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Because the way that it works for somebody else might not work for that other person or it might not work for you. And so that's why we have to have this playful experimentation mindset where we're saying, okay, I'm going to try this out. See how the world responds to me.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Because you need to figure out what your authentic self is within these difficult conversations because it is 100% sure that it's going to be different from you. and it's going to be different from somebody else, and it's going to be different from me. So we have to just embrace our authenticity and find what works for us.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
The other thing, too, is that in the negotiation industry for years, we have been giving recipes to people who are afraid to get in the kitchen. It's not an issue of people not understanding what needs to be done or said in the moment. It's that for whatever reason, they cannot do or say what needs to be done or said in the moment. It is a mental and emotional issue.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
everything that you do and how you present yourself is that you know i mean like that's a that's a tough thing 100 and this is a perfect example ryan a perfect example because there are no absolutes in this right so you could say okay well look at the studies the average ceo is six foot two but the average man is five foot nine and we're including women in six foot two so even the women are abnormally tall as ceo so therefore it is good to be tall right that doesn't tell
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Tell the whole story, right? So we have to understand that the world will respond to us differently because of who we are, whatever it happens to be. You know, sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it's fair. Sometimes it's unfair. But what you need to do is understand what that is and then adjust yourself to get the outcomes that you want.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Because instead of saying, well, it's unfair that people feel intimidated by me. I'm such a nice guy. That doesn't matter, right? What does matter is what you need to do in order to get the outcome that you want. That's a great example, man.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Yes. Okay, man. So this is exciting. And let me know. I'm down for this. If you want to create a scenario based on the demographics of your listeners and we want to do a role play, we can do that too to keep it real as well. So it's called the Compassionate Curiosity Framework. So let's bring in two quotes, then I'll break it down.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Everybody's going to have a unique performance gap that comes from something, right? For me, I'm a recovering people pleaser.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So one quote, Leonardo da Vinci says, simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. And so what you'll see here is that I have spent years simplifying this so people would actually use it because a lot of times you have somebody who's a negotiation expert coming in and they'll talk about all these different tactics, but under duress, people aren't going to remember them and put them into practice.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So I give people one thing and then I help them to understand how to use it. And then the next thing is Bruce Lee's quote, I don't fear the man who knows 10,000 kicks. I fear the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks. I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times. And compassionate curiosity is your nonviolent compassionate kick that you'll use in your conversation. So let's break it down.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So step one is acknowledge and validate the emotions and beliefs and conclusions of the other side. So we're acknowledging and validating.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
then number two is getting curious with compassion asking open-ended questions with a compassionate tone to gather information build rapport build trust and empathize and then number three is using joint problem solving so again it's not me versus you it's you and me versus the problem we're using future focus problem solving to figure out what our relationship or the deal looks like going into the future
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
and so that's what i had to overcome some people have maybe childhood trauma and then it triggers that fight flight or freeze response and so whenever they are in a difficult conversation they freeze or they fight back or they're overly combative or they are just they placate the other side and compromise too quickly
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Right? So if there's any element of emotionality or I feel like the person isn't feeling heard, then I'm going to use step one, acknowledge and validate the emotions. Hey, it sounds like this has been, had a significant impact on you. Or I can tell that this is something you really care about. Or correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like this has been a really frustrating situation.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Whatever it is, I'm going to label the emotion because it'll lower the emotional temperature of the room. Then when I see, feel like we've gotten to a point where emotions are manageable, then Then I'm going to get curious with compassion to gather information.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Then when I have enough information and everybody's at a place where emotions are manageable, then we're just going to work together and figure it out. And so sometimes you might be in the problem-solving phase and then somebody gets emotional. Then we just cycle back to number one. So it's a flexible framework that helps you to understand what to say and when to say it for maximum impact.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Exactly. Because if you don't make them feel understood, then they're going to spend the rest of the conversation trying to make you feel understood on whatever that point happens to be. So that's why ignoring emotions is so problematic.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
If I see that you're struggling emotionally or you're feeling something and I pretend like it's not there, then in your mind, you're going to be like, he doesn't get it. I'm going to turn the volume up. And it makes things worse. So you're just paying the person the respect to say, hey, listen, I see you. And we have to remember, acknowledgement does not mean endorsement.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
It's highly likely that you don't agree with what they're saying. And so when you're summarizing, I would just say, hey, so Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like from your perspective, your frustration comes from this and this. So I'll show that I understand. I might not agree. But like you said so many times, just showing that you understand is enough.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And if you're really disciplined with this, Ryan, you can find that a lot of our conflicts are just issues of understanding and respect. Sometimes the person doesn't even want you to do something. They just want to feel heard. And then we try to problem solve or we tell them that they're wrong. And now we get in this unnecessarily unproductive conversation.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so we all need to understand what's holding us back so we can put ourselves in the best position for success. And we don't focus on the internal negotiation that we have to have with ourselves. And as a result, we fail in the external negotiation and difficult conversations we have with other people.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
For so many conversations, if you just stick with labeling, acknowledging and validating emotions and getting curious, sometimes the problem just magically disappears. And so that's why I tell people, again, at home, I'm using this. At work with my team, I'm using this. When I'm negotiating for big deals for the American Negotiation Institute, I'm doing this. Back as a lawyer, I was doing it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And for me as a mediator, too, I was doing this, too. We just adjust how it sounds and how we approach it based on the circumstances. That's it. even at the highest level of business, this will get you through 90 to 95% of your toughest negotiations. And then when you need something a little bit extra, you sprinkle that on top of compassionate curiosity. Because a lot of times people might say,
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
well, I used this sales tactic, it didn't work. I used this negotiation tactic, it didn't work. It's because you didn't take the time to create the conditions for persuasion. The person is still triggered. They don't feel understood. You didn't listen to them, so you're trying to solve the wrong problem and you wonder why the tactic doesn't work.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
If you just start here, this solves the majority of your problems.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Yeah, so a couple of things. Let's first break down why it's so hard to do because it sounds super easy. Like, oh, ask a question. Okay, I got that. So the reason I called it the compassionate curiosity framework was because I want that to just be in your mind about your tone. Because for me as a lawyer, lawyers are taught to ask questions, but cross-examinations sound very different, right?
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
The people don't feel comfortable. They don't feel vulnerable. They don't feel psychological safety. So they're not going to share information. So the tone that we bring, the energy that we bring to the conversation is very important.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And then a lot of times people, especially who are in sales or trying to get something done in the business world, they'll ask questions, but they don't ask questions with true humility. They ask questions that are overly strategic where the person says, this is clearly a trap.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
right you know imagine if you're walking through the mall and somebody with a clipboard bro anytime you see a clipboard just right somebody with a clipboard sir i've got a couple questions so how are you today great so tell me about your insurance service okay great you know it's like i i see this as a trap man yeah i see this is a trap and and so for me what i do with this whole framework my goal is to follow the 70 30 rule where i'm getting the other side to speak 70 of the time i'm only speaking 30 of the time
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
makes my job easier i gather more information they feel liked appreciated respected and validated which makes them trust me more which makes them share more information it makes them more persuadable it makes everything easier and you're less likely to make a mistake so i like to ask questions in the framework of the funnel technique so i'll ask very broad and general questions at the very beginning
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So like when I was a mediator, I would say, so tell me how we got here. I read the case file. They might have been litigating for 18 months, but I want to hear how you say it from your own words. Go wherever you want to go. Right. And then I'll get more precise with my questions as I go throughout the funnel.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so this might still seem like, well, how do I how do I know what the follow up question is? You don't. You have to make a read. So I pay attention to five things. It's pace, tone, repetition, and body language. And I forget the other one. But pace, tone, repetition, and body language are the main things. And volume. Volume. I'm going to pay attention to deviations.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So if the person is talking at this pace, but then all of a sudden they slow down at that point... I don't know what that meant, but it means something. My next question comes there, right? Or they're talking like this, showing their hands all the time. And then they talk about this one issue and then they cross their hands and lean back. That meant something too.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So we get more precise with the questions that we ask and we allow them to let us figure out what is most important. We're not going to try to force them into a specific direction toward the end of the funnel. Now we can ask questions that are a little bit more geared toward persuasion, but we have to earn our right there.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
A lot of times the biggest mistake people make is that they try to persuade too soon. But for me, I want to approach this conversation in a way where somebody doesn't say, man, Kwame's a wizard here. He convinced me. He persuaded me. No, no, no, no, no.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
I want people to say, hey, I had a conversation with Kwame and then I made a decision or I had a conversation with Kwame and then I changed my mind. I want them to own it. And so you just give them space to share, but it cannot be too calculated. Then it just doesn't feel right.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
100 percent, man. And I think a lot of times it's the again, it goes back to discipline. You have to learn how to become comfortable in that situation or accept it because you need to know what's happening. And I think when people understand what's happening beneath the surface, it makes them feel a little bit more comfortable letting that ride. Yeah.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So in my keynotes, one of the things I would ask them to do. And I would say, listen, if you actually know the answer, you can't play this game. So I'd say, okay, when did Abraham Lincoln die? And so I'd look in the audience and people would look around and then I'd get a guess. And so I said, think about what happened. So you're in your mind, you're saying, well, all of this started in 1776.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
He wasn't the first one. He was like 2016. Right. OK, so they did was maybe sometime in the mid 1800s. What's happening? We're thinking we're thinking if I interrupt you, you might still be in the early 1800s. Right. And so when you ask a question, the person can't help but answer it in their mind. They're thinking about how to articulate it to you.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Absolutely. It's the war within. How do we overcome that? Right. And Goggins does a great job of breaking down how he has just mastered his mind to do just incredible things. And we need to figure out what it is that we need to do internally to get to that point.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so you need to let your question do the work. You're undermining your own work, right? It's like cleaning up a mess and then just making the same mess over it because sometimes we have to just let that ride and we let them off the hook because I'll give an example. What I do, I turn it into a meditation because sometimes it can be awkward.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So I remember I was a mediator in this really tough situation and this person retaliated against somebody who did something wrong to him, so he thought. But it turned out The first person didn't do anything wrong. So he just attacked. So he was realizing, oh, no, I'm the bad guy in this situation. So I set it up, brought the information and everything. And then I asked him a question.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And he sat back and he thought and he thought and he thought. And I counted and I counted to five. forty-three seconds ryan forty-three seconds of silence and what was happening i call it turning the titanic when your mind has been operating in a very specific way the whole time you're heading toward an iceberg but you are like hell-bent on hitting that iceberg
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And it takes a long time for that big ship to change. And so sometimes it can be a very awkward amount of time, but you led that ride and then he changed his mind, right? He changed his mind. I didn't do it. And so we undermine all of our good work by not letting that silence ride.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Yeah, well, I think a couple of things. First, again, we have to start inside and figure out what it is that leads us to oversell in our previous situations, right? There might be some kind of insecurity, right? In this conversation, I might not have fully articulated how awesome I am to the other person. And so it might be ego driven.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
It's like, wait, I haven't proven to you how well I know the product. I know it so well. I need to sell you on those things. Right. And so whatever it is, different people have different reasons for manifesting that behavior. That's the first thing. And I think we have to have clarity on what we need to get to in order to get the outcome that we want.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And one of the things about discipline that people often overlook is that if we are doing it right, if we're doing it right, we should only be using discipline for a set amount of time until we develop a habit. And then you don't need to have discipline anymore. You know, so for me, when I'm trying to get up and go to the gym at the beginning, it was very hard.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And a lot of times it's a lot less than our emotions would lead us to get. Right. So I'll give an example, too, with me and my wife. And we've been married for 14 years. I realized that for me, I want us to be aligned on every single issue. And so I'll go back to conversations, not necessarily because I'm mad or anything, but I'll be like, Hey, let's, we, you still think this.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And I still think this, how can we get on the same page? And she's in her mind, she's like, We're done with this. Like the problem has been solved. And so I realized that those situations, oh, this is still a little bit of the lawyer in me needing to still be right on issues that are irrelevant here. And so, Ryan, what I figured out is like in those moments, I just need to journal.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
I just need to talk to myself and figure it out. And so we need to understand what enough is. What is enough? And then when we believe that we've gotten there, then we need to transition into next steps. So the negotiation shifts because a lot of times in sales, our goal is to generate interest. Interest has been generated. We understand that we're going to move forward.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Now with negotiation, we might still need to negotiate the details. So I'll say, okay, let's talk about next steps. So what would be a good time or we could use the assumptive close. So would Friday be a good time for us to get this signed? Whatever it happens to be. But we have to transition into that future portion. And that's why step three is so important.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Like I said, it's future focused problem solving. Because if I stay in the now, I might navigate this conversation in a way that just satisfies my emotional needs right now. I might be focusing more on my ego than the outcome. So we have to focus on the future and figure out what our next steps are.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Hey, man, thank you. I appreciate it. That means a lot to me. And yeah, we're on every social media platform. So we're YouTube, podcast. You can negotiate anything there. Follow me on LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter. We will get TikTok as well. I will bite the bullet on that. But yeah, just follow us. We want to share as much as we can.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And then if you ever need consulting or you're looking for a training keynote, that's also what we do as well.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Likewise, brother. Thank you. Appreciate it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But now it's hard not to go even when I'm sick. But because I remember how hard it was to get that discipline, I say, listen, no matter what happens, I'm not losing that discipline muscle. So, Ryan, for me, even on those days, if I'm sick, I'm not feeling it or I'm injured, whatever it happens to be, I will still get up. I will still get dressed. I will get in my car.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
I'll drive to the gym, park and come back. Because I don't want to lose that discipline muscle. And one of the things that happens with negotiators is that we need to get to that point where we have moved past discipline to a habit. Because I moved past discipline to a habit with the gym, we need to do the same thing.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
Because the difference between an expert and novice negotiator a lot of times isn't necessarily the skill. Because anybody can listen effectively. Anybody can ask an insightful question. The tactics aren't hard to understand. You can read a book and implement it immediately, right? But the thing is, we don't have the discipline or the habit to do it with consistency.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So, for instance, listening can be easy if I agree with everything that you say and you're very complimentary to me. But if I'm in a tough negotiation or a tough conversation, then listening becomes very, very hard.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But I need to utilize discipline in that moment and recognize that everything within me, my emotions will want me to jump in, to interrupt, to defend myself or not listen or just listen to respond, not listen to understand, right? But I need to work through that in the moment. And the first few times I do, it'll be hard. And then it'll slowly start to get easier.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
But then if you do this with intentionality, then it just becomes your natural response. Now you have the negotiation habit. So you don't need to rely so much on discipline because it's just part of you at this point. You've intentionally programmed yourself for success.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
One hundred percent. When you think about what leads to habit retention, one of the best things you can do is make identity based habits. Right. So, for instance, they did a study where they said, OK, our goal is to try to get people to vote more or get the habit of voting. And so instead of framing it in terms of voting, they said it's more powerful to frame it as the person is a voter, right?
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
so you ask what does a person like me do under these circumstances well as a voter i vote right and so what does somebody like me do under these circumstances as a negotiator i negotiate right so for me i'm a husband i'm a father and a lot of times like i'm not feeling it i run a business i'm tired right i'm exhausted but i know well what should i do under the circumstances i'm not just going to do what my body naturally leads me to do especially when it's hard i say well what does a good father do right now
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
A good father will take a deep breath, lock in, and focus on his son as he talks about his hard day at school, even though there are a bunch of emails and a lot of client responses I need to have and my employees are asking for my attention. That's hard to utilize that discipline in the moment. But since I focus on my identity as a father, I'm locked in right now, right?
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so when we put ourselves in those tough circumstances and we say, hey, listen, I'm the kind of guy, I'm the kind of person who stands up for themselves. It doesn't matter how I feel anymore. It's about who I am and what a person like me does under these circumstances.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
We need to understand how confidence works. Because like I said, I was a people pleaser. Negotiation was my escape because it wasn't until I got to law school that I took a negotiation class and I learned it was a skill, not a talent. I could actually get better. And so I was still scared every time I was going into these competitions because we had negotiation competitions.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And I still did it because every time I did it, it was a vote of confidence for the man I ultimately want to become. And so my partner and I, we won the competition at our law school, and then that gave us an opportunity to represent the school at the American Bar Association competition in Ottawa, Ontario, and we won that too. And I did it all while scared.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
It's like I just got good at this, right? But what we have to do is if we act as if... We are a confident negotiator. Then we will take the actions that make us a confident negotiator. We often think that we need to feel confident to take action, but that's the opposite. It's the opposite. We need to take action until we feel confident.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And so a couple of things that I like to do is I operate a lot of times on borrowed confidence. So I have a good network of mentors and friends and family members who support me. And there might be something that I want to do that's big and I'll run it by them and I'll let them know when I'm not feeling confident, where I'm feeling insecure.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And then if they have confidence in me, I have so much faith and confidence in them that if they can see it in me, I'll trust their judgment over me. So I'll operate off borrowed confidence. And so the example that you gave is so powerful because for me, I don't think about negotiation in a transactional type of way.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
If I'm completely honest, the word negotiation is a branding device I use to get into companies because they trust that, right? But for me, when I think about negotiation, I just say a negotiation is anytime you're in a conversation and somebody in the conversation wants something. That's why we say it's negotiate anything because we should be negotiating everything.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
What I'm negotiating with my kids, with my wife, with my employees, my staff, with my clients all the time. And so I'm not doing that so I can get one over on them. I'm doing that so I can improve the quality of the relationship, address problems, solve them collaboratively, and we get better together.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
So to that example, if that person were to say, hey, listen, I don't feel the confidence, but now after listening to this episode, I know I don't need to feel confident. I need to get an avatar for what success looks like in this situation. And I'll say, what would a person like that do under these circumstances? Well, he would have that conversation, right?
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
And I'm going to do it while I'm scared. But the more you start to do it, the more confident you will be in the future when you have to do it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
These Negotiation Hacks Will Get You What You Want, Every Time
That's it, man. And I think what we have to do is we have to recognize the power of intentional programming, right? We're being programmed all the time. Anytime you're receiving a message, it's an attempt to program you one way or another. So we have to be intentional about reprogramming our minds, right?