Law

Yo, yo, yo. So most people don't know this about me, but I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records. Yeah, my city had a hot dog eating contest, and I was the first person ever to yell gay a thousand times. Yeah, so I'm in therapy. Yeah, my therapist made me delete all the phone applications that give me anxiety. Yeah, so long, Bank of America.

I remember one time I was messing with this white girl. No. Yeah, one time I was messing with this white girl that wanted to say nigga during sex. No.

I'm the shortest man alive?

You call me a short-ass nigga, bro?

I'll say the nigga part. There you go. I mean, it's cool. You know what I noticed? Like, tall women love me. You know, I get a lot of, I can fit in their back pocket and shit like that. Right. Yeah.

Are you measuring girth? What is that? Yeah, you are correct.

Fucks with it, bro, fucks with it.

Yeah, fucking tall, bitches. Is that true? Yeah, I got a shorty right now. She's like 6'1".

You guys go out in public together? Oh, yeah, man. I climb trees, bro.

Yeah, that or Michael's Arts and Crafts.

Nah, I try to do some stupid-ass pickup line. I'll be like, why haven't I seen you before? Oh, right, that's because I've been in prison. Oh, okay, yeah, that's a good pickup line. I bet that works on all the good-hearted women. Yeah, no, it bombs pretty often.

It doesn't work. Amazing.

What does the six foot one woman do for a living, Law? She's a, she just got her doctorate, so she's a teacher. Oh, like a professor.

Yeah.

Uh, history. Oh my. What you are, right?

Oh yeah. I've been doing this thing. Have you heard of it? It's called semen retention. Called what? Semen retention. It's like where you choose not to ejaculate. Oh, I'm not into that. You gotta hold it all in. You hold it all in.

Put the mic down. Red Band's the nastiest encyclopedia ever.

Yeah, curdling's crazy.

Yo, it's like cheat. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you gotta, you gotta, you know, keep the energy inside you. And so, like, you just, I just choose not to do it, not to bust. Yeah, fuck that. Fuck that. You gotta, man.

I would probably say, I think it's 97 days. Goddamn. Oh, my God.

Stop.

Yeah, you know, you just... I just found a little shorty.

Was it sex? Did you just shoot or...? Yeah, I mean, it was definitely sex, but it's not as much as you think it'd be. Like, it's pretty, like, regular. It just feels crazy-ish. It's like I met a... I became Buddha, you know? Like, I... I transcended to another level. Wow.

There it is. Sturm Wurm, everybody. Just basically kind of just talking about being gay. No real definitive jokes throughout the entire thing. Just kind of, kind of coming out of the closet. Is that true? Is that real? It's all true. It's all true. So you really did. You got a lap dance from a guy and you're like, I kind of like this.

So this is all new to you. This is your first gay stuff that's ever happened.

Yeah, you were on years ago. I remember you. Something's different, though, right? You have facial hair. You used to have longer hair. No, no, same look. Same look?

Nobody cares about that.

Look, you're making people leave, Sturmworm. Please, do not promote your podcast. Stop. Relax. Relax. Let's get back to this becoming gay all of a sudden thing because it sounds like a lot of fun. Will you help William out? Okay, you go right ahead. Will you help our friend William out? There you go. I heard what that whole thing was about. Call back to five minutes ago.

Okay, so let's stick with it here, Sturmore. So where did you get this lap dance from a guy? Where did you possibly go?

Okay. Where were you at? Jersey. Jersey. Okay. What was the name of the gay club?

I don't want to air out the name of the place. You don't want to get in trouble with your local gay club?

Uh-huh.

Okay, but that was your first one.

So that happens, and then you get on, that you sign up for a gay dating app.

Okay, and then what happened?

And did you take these people up on your offer?

But it was... No, you go ahead.

You're like a rapper that doesn't rhyme. I could rhyme, though. No, no, no, no, no. Nobody wants that.

Like, hey, sorry, I just can't get hard right now. That's your good old Jersey gay. So where did this attempted blowjob happen? The one that you couldn't get hard for? You go to his place?

A parking lot? Yeah. Man, you just do gay stuff in inappropriate places. Have you ever done anything gay where gay stuff should happen? Like a bedroom?

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Thanks so much for Bryan Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Keep it going for the best damn band in all the land, that's the Kill Tony Band. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns.

Where can people find this? Where can people find RFK Jr. 's rockin' Christmas?

So, Sturm Wurm, you were going to say something. Two things.

What are you doing on this OnlyFans? Who wants to sign up for an OnlyFans where the dude can't even get hard?

Okay, Sturmworm, this is out of control. Have you written any comedy in the years that we haven't seen you?

You have a zillion of them, and you came out tonight just talking about... Whatever the fuck that was.

All right, Sturmworm. Well, it's been a while since you've been on this show. You know, this cool company, I'm going to give them a shout out, called Ghost Patch Custom at ghostpatchcustom.com sent us these. It's hard to describe, but it's like an iron missile, and it says, I bombed on Kill Tony. And I'm gonna throw this. You're gonna catch it? Catch it with your ass. There you go.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. No chance like a rap. There he goes.

No, Sturmworm, everybody. There he goes. Sturmworm. Did you have one in mind or something? Did you plan for that? I mean, what's up? Did you prepare to rap or something? Yeah, of course I did. I'm a rapper. I mean, that's what you did years ago. Yeah. You didn't know I rap. It's been years.

Here he is. Give him a little beat. Sturmworm's gonna rap real quick. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

All right, Sturmworm. There you go, Sturmworm, everybody. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Made everybody flaccid.

60 seconds uninterrupted going to Sam Henderson, everybody. This looks like a new name, Sam Henderson.

Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Having fun in here tonight. Feels electric. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

All right, thank you, guys. There you go. Sam Henderson getting a joke there in the end. Hello, Sam. How long you been doing stand-up?

Okay, where at? Where you been doing it at?

Okay. Is that where you live now or did you move here?

Has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-size version of the mayor of the fucking Munchkins? Remember that guy? Look him up on your safari there. You're going to see what I mean. This is actually quite incredible. Mayor of Munchkinland. That's what I was thinking of. Munchkinland. Look at him. Look at that. I'm pretty spot on here. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

What do you do for work?

Oh, yeah?

All right. The back is very cold.

How long have you been delivering ice for? About eight years. Wow. Amazing. What's the most exciting thing that's happened to you while delivering ice?

Yeah, I was working out of town in Philly. Okay. You were delivering ice in Philadelphia.

And what happened? What were you doing?

Did you open a bag and put it at the door so they slip and fall or something? I've been watching all the Home Alones recently and I'm thinking about pranking people. You didn't contribute or help at all with this?

There you go. So what type of childhood did you have in Lexington, Kentucky?

What's the most exciting thing about your life, Sam Henderson?

That's a big deal in Lexington, Kentucky. You might be the only person in Kentucky that speaks Spanish. That's absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little example of your Spanish? Can you say something that perhaps the band could understand, the horn players over there?

Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. How about that, you piece of shit? I love it. Sam, what's your love life like? You're in Kentucky, you banging your relative.

Yeah, you definitely want to not hook up with anybody just in case if you ever have to move to Austin, Texas.

When you say you're too emotional, give us an example of what you mean by that.

Do you? Do you have any tricks to get away or have them get away from you? Is there anything that you've said or done right after sex to get rid of the opposing party?

You just feel disgusting.

There's a little health advice from the great.

I love you. RFK Jr. giving you some really good advice there. Sam, I'm going to give you one of these little joke books. Congratulations. You've made it on Kill Tony. There he goes, Sam Henderson, everybody. This is fun. You having fun, RFK?

It's beautiful. Beautiful. The new Director of Health. Is that the title? Director of Health?

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, here we go. This is going to be fun. Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight and one guest only, and I couldn't be more excited about it. One of my favorite human beings on planet Earth, one of the funniest people I know. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great, the powerful. This is RFK Jr. All right.

RFK Jr., ladies and gentlemen, says he has to go change. That's very interesting. Gotta love it. I wonder if there's a microphone back there and he's gonna keep telling us about the fantasy. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're gonna keep the fun train moving along. This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Joe Barnholt, everybody. Joe Barnholt.

Appreciate it. Joe Barnholt with a minute. Hi, Joe.

Good. Welcome, welcome. How long were you married?

You were surprised when you found out she was a lesbian?

In what way?

Oh, she was calling herself a witch? Yes, yes. Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

You didn't think there was something lesbian-esque about her when she married a Rachel Maddow impressionist?

So how did she break the news to you that she was interested in women?

Right. So no kids.

Right. And she slowly became a witch. Yes. Yes. Did that bother you at all? That's a witch sound effect. It's a great sound effect. The rarely used witch sound effect. Yeah. Redman has been lingering his finger over that button for 13 and a half years just waiting for an opportunity.

That's a goblin laugh. I know a goblin laugh when I hear it. There you go. Okay. So what do you do for work?

What kind of music do you do?

You do in a band that does what?

What do you do in the band?

A little bit of vocals. Yes. You do comedy, hip hop.

Okay. Can we hear some of your fucking Santa songs? Are you going to tell the band what to do?

They're actual professional musicians. So if you just tell them.

God, you're turning us all into lesbians right now. This is so incredible.

Yeah, there's a guest guitar if you want to play it.

Oh, we do have the guest guitar. There's the lovely Heidi. Man, I literally... With a guitar. We're going to plug it on in. You got to put it on. This is incredible. It reminds me of Colt. Colt, this is like you. Colt, come up here. Stand next to this guy. Take your hoodie and your hat off real quick. We're going to do a little experiment. See which one is which.

Yeah, give me some of that Colt music. Look at that, everybody. Hey, look at that. Look at this. Just stand up there next to him like you guys are conjoined twins. I just want you to stand there with him. No, leave the hat off, Colt. Leave the hat off. Very good. There you go. Yeah, it's perfect. All right, here we go. That's the spirit. G to the one, to the two, to the fifth, and here we go.

Hey! Here we go. Fucking go.

RFK Jr. 's Rockin' Christmas. Oh my gosh. Available now.

Amazing.

What'd you say, RFK Jr.?

Joe Barnholt with a little music. With the lovely Colt backing him up. His twin brother. Thank you, Colt. And amazing harmonies by the great RFK Jr. Amazing stuff. Drinking fermented owl piss.

Great to see you, Tony. I'm so glad you're here, RFK Jr. You're one of my favorite people.

Just a heads up, RFK Jr. is promoting kyledunnigan.com. He's on tour. kyledunnigan.com. That's D-U-N-N-I-G-A-N.com. Important to know. Sometimes we have these people come on, like Dr. Phil promotes Adam Ray. It's exciting to have RFK Jr. promoting Kyle Dunnigan. I love it. You guys can promote anything in the world, and instead you take care of good, amazing comedians, free speech.

This Kyle Dunnigan, you've met him before. He's a friend.

He was here this weekend. He was fantastic. KyleDunnigan.com for tour tickets. One of the funniest people on planet Earth. Joe, what is the most interesting, craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life? My band has played Red Rocks. Okay. That's like your biggest accomplishment. How did you guys sell tickets for that? Are you guys famous?

Wow. Which is sweet. Amazing. Amazing. A lot of people open for Tom Cruise. Yeah. All right, Joe. Well, okay. You did pretty decent, right? You did good, right? Here's the big joke book. Take one of these. There he goes, Joe Barnholt. Thank you. Let's get one more bucket full up here. Then we'll get a regular. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like another new name. Exciting stuff.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Simon Perkovich. Simon Perkovich.

Pussy, all right. Okay, Simon Perkovich, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Simon, welcome. Hi, good to be here.

I don't really know the industry that well. I just buy it and smoke it.

That sounds very healthy.

Okay.

You can't just be like, hey, stop, that's not funny. But like, everyone was just completely silent.

He's dreaming.

You eat three or four donuts daily. Yeah. RFK Jr., what do we think about three or four daily donuts?

Are there certain donuts?

So you know how it works. Indeed, there is a bucket. I don't know how many sign-ups. Usually about 232 tonight. Okay. There's some people missing. Maybe home for the holidays or something. 232 human beings signed up tonight inside of this bucket. Absolutely anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

You actually have kangaroo meat?

All right.

Something about RFK Jr., I don't even laugh. I go directly to cracking the fuck up. It's pretty, pretty special.

Holy shit. So, Simon, what do you do for fun? What's a guy out in Telluride do for fun?

The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.

I am having... I am having so much fun right now. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's real hard to step in alone. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Obviously, it's also hard doing comedy alone when you're you. So Simon, Simon, Simon. What's your love life like up in Telluride?

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this lucky human in the front pick the first name. Hand it off to me. You don't have to read it, sir. It's okay. There you go. Oh, okay. That's actually a familiar name. We've seen that before. We're going to go wrangle that person from across the street. They're all at a bar.

Can you give an example of how you got too attached to this woman? And how soon after you guys started hanging out did you get attached?

Yeah, so give us an example.

Why do you say, yeah, okay, like that? Like, it's your fucking van. You're saying it like... There's room in it. You call it your room? Yeah. You didn't say, I need to clean my van. You call it a room?

That's amazing.

Uh-huh.

Well, okay. So what did you say or do that was so clingy?

Did you look different a few weeks ago? I had a beard. Okay, that'll do it. Yeah. Here's a little joke book, Simon. Congratulations, you've been pulled out of the bucket twice in a month. There he goes. We're going to move it right along. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed time for a regular. 60 seconds uninterrupted from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

A freak of nature out there touring, selling out absolutely everywhere. Truly one of the fastest growing comics in the world. This is a brand new minute from the one and only, the great and powerful. This is Cam Patterson.

Because there's so many of them, we can't possibly hold them here. So they're gonna go get him from across the street.

There it is. Exactly a minute. RFK Jr.

Hell, yeah. Yeah. That's hard, man. How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson coming out, getting some of the biggest pops of the night. Big pops of laughter. It was fun, man. Hell yeah. It's all happening. Hell yeah. You really went on an audition for that?

Yeah, you did. That's all that matters. See? Well worth it. And you still might get the role. Hopefully. Was it for like a big thing? Yeah, it's pretty big. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds about right. A rising star. What's that under your hat tonight? Nothing. There's something there. No, it's not. Yeah, huh? There's a little something. Is that what we call, is that a do-rag? Whoa. Oh, my goodness.

You're like a black genie. Oh, my goodness. Whoa, whoa.

RFK Jr., a true politician, able to talk to any type of person.

It looks like there's some stuff happening underneath.

Wow.

Do you have the money, white bitch? Nope, she says no. She does not have the money. Shocker. So what else is going on, Cam?

It's so interesting to me. You and William, you were in Rochester. He was in Buffalo. Truly, as I've said so many times before, absolutely terrible. Two of the worst places in the United States of America. Upstate New York is the worst.

Oh, shut up. Come on.

The Puerto Ricans.

Tony makes another joke about Puerto Rico. Extra. When did you get that? That's a new one. Got a bunch of new shit. Wow, you got a few new ones. First time the soundboard has changed in seven and a half years, for those of you keeping track. Very exciting. What else do you have there that's new? Anything else good? No? Nothing? Nothing that you're proud of there?

I love it. So Cam, what were we talking about, Rochester? Garbage plate. Yo, yeah, garbage plate.

You feel what I'm saying? One of the good ones. Whoa, whoa, what? What? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All around the world, always writing, always working, a nonstop fucking undeniable machine. Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Another new minute.

amazing sometimes how the people that do it every week you know this has been a real sausage fest come on yeah we're gonna see what happens next this is a one word name anything could happen could be a boy could be a girl ladies and gentlemen make some noise for law l-a-w it's law everybody

And it's going to start with an unbelievable bang, ladies and gentlemen. This is a very, very special episode. Every once in a while, you know, I like to do things a little different. I like to keep the fans on their toes and... You know, mix it up. So while we wrangle your first bucket pull of the night, I would like to present to you your first comic of the night. He is a regular.

Law, ladies and gentlemen. The Kill Tony debut of Law. What's good, brother? Wow. Very impressive. Welcome, welcome. Thanks for having me, man. This is the first time I've seen your stand-up, but I have seen you around here. You work here at the Mothership now. I do. Amazing stuff. Adam knows how to pick them. Amazing. Do you sign up for the show often? I mean, yeah, when I'm working, yeah.

I'll be chilling. I love it. I love it. How long you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. Where at? Baltimore, Maryland. And you moved here how long ago?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Why didn't you like them at first? What do you prefer? What's the pluses and minuses of the white bitches?

So that makes sense.

You are. Appreciate you. Yeah, I could see that. You're extremely likable. Your delivery is incredible. Writing, execution, fucking everything. Amazing. Thanks, man. What have you been doing for work up until this point?

Whoa. Aw.

They really all hit that note. Yes, sir. Amazing. What was that like for you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. They're allowed to call you that in that type of school, right?

Yes. That would have been fun.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. Were there any special ones that stood out to you?

I don't think this guy had any mental problems whatsoever.

You left him with a police officer?

He is a hall of famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances on this show. All time interviews on this show. Some people call him the tyrant of Temecula. The Vermont Vascular Vagrant. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine. A brand new minute from the one and only William Montgomery.

La. So being raised... Being raised in Baltimore, you were around a lot of black men, right? Yeah. And your name is Law, L-A-W. So did a lot of those guys try to break you? Because I hear that they love breaking people. Black men breaking me? Breaking laws. Black men love breaking laws. Your name is Law. I got nervous at first. Oh, John Deese is booing my black men breaking laws joke.

Okay. Looks like I'll have to run for office next year. I thought it was smart. I've never met a black guy named Law before, but all right. Welcome. Huh? Oh, yeah. Yep, that's me. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy? Anything that you're interested in?

What exactly is that? Like Tales from the Hood?

Is this like... And it's about black people. Yeah, he's like a pimp. Is there a special black library that you go to or something? Somewhere where you just take the books and don't check them out?

With all the security cameras pointed towards him. Law, I am positive you're so funny. I just know it. Adam has the best eye for talent here, and if you work here, and if you have multiple minutes, anything like that minute that you did, what's the longest set you've ever done before? 25 minutes. What's the biggest audience you've ever performed in front of before?

About how many people? Just ballpark it.

Very cool. Would you like to do a minute on December 30th live from the H-E-B Center in Arena? Sold out already. It'll be the new biggest audience you've performed in front of by absolutely thousands and thousands of people. Appreciate it. And I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. I'm in there. And of course, you're getting a big joke book. That's it, the total package.

He's performing in an arena. Appreciate it, appreciate it. Law, ladies and gentlemen. Be on the lookout for this guy. That's funny. That guy's funny. All right, we're moving back to the bucket, everybody. You guys still having fun out there? Oh, shit. One of Kid Rock's ex-girlfriends is going to the bathroom. There she goes. All right, another one word name, back to back.

Make some noise for Tay-cha or Ty-cha, Tay-cha.

Okay. Taja. Am I saying that right? Tajay. Tajay. T-A-I-J-A. That's a tough one. Everybody mispronounces that one, right?

Oh, I want to know. I want to... Oh, come on. Don't hold back now.

Well... The one where you put a person split in two back together?

Tajay, Tajay, welcome. So you're half white. What's the other half exactly?

Just straight up black?

Do you get that a lot?

Michelinian?

I'm saying that right, right? Now you are. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying it right. You fixed it. You said Michelinian twice. Michelinian. Yep. Okay, yeah, yeah. We there, we there. I love it. We there. Okay, so... Just regular black and white. Dad's white, mom's black.

Tell me more about your crazy black mother.

Tell us about your crazy white pops.

This is a white guy?

No cap, no cap on God, nigga. What's his name, like Roger or something? Does he have a white name?

snuggle up stay warm december 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored kill tony's live from the heb center in austin texas this is a new super annual amazing event it is our biggest two-night event of the year and we're super excited about it it is on sale now kill tony live.com get it for your loved ones get it for yourself love it or hate it live december 30th and 31st

This is absolutely incredible. RFKG.

So what do you do for a living?

Really? You know how to elect trash?

School. Trade school. Trade school, yeah, yeah. What do you do for fun? What are some hobbies other than stand-up comedy?

Eating pussy with your shoes on. Is there a reason why you leave your shoes on?

I ain't bullshit, nigga. Right. And if it smells bad, it's definitely not your feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah. Indeed, sometimes the taste of pussy is so terrible that I cannot even take the time to put my shoes on. I must have them on already. I'm just like you, Tasia.

Tajay, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna write it like I sound it out. Tajay. Okay, how many times have you eaten a pussy in which you would need your shoes on to immediately evacuate the premises in a timely, unbelievably timely manner? And how many licks does it take before you realize It's too many before it's too not good enough for you.

Yeah, but that seems like it happens a lot for you to leave your shoes on by default. Have you ever taken everything off except for your shoes? No, that'd be really black, nigga. That's super black. I wouldn't do that shit. That is super black. That is super black because black people in porns leave their socks and sometimes their shoes on. Sometimes their shoes.

You ever watch porno with blacks, Red Band? Yeah, only the black women though, not black guys. There you go. He has to make it look like he's super straight. Can't even have guys in my porn. It's just women on women on women.

Whoa, what from behind? I want to know if you can even guess what happens in a porno with women.

You do have a girlfriend, and you take your shoes off for her?

That's what I'm saying. Shoes off, you're comfortable. Okay, how long have you been with this girl?

That's amazing. Does she ever teach you any of the cool things that she learns? Nah. Nah.

Wheatgrass would make gynecologists completely obsolete.

I don't want the bad cum. It's for your mother. It's for your mother's multiple sclerosis. You're right, you're right.

I love it. Tajay, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You ever been good at anything?

Two weeks ago, I owned three guitars. You owned three guitars? I want to see this guy play guitar. Heidi, can we get the guitar out here? This has been a music-heavy episode.

Drop D. Andy needs a pick. Give him a hair pick, somebody. How does that not get a bigger, do you guys have any black friends out there? Can I get a pic, a hair pic? Nothing from these people. Like, why would he need a hair pic, Tony? Why would he possibly ever want a hair pic? an amazing rendition of Jingle Bells from RFP.

First black nigga that can see that can play guitar. We go. No, we've had black guitar players on before. Madison Square Garden and whatnot, but you are the first half black to play guitar. Half black.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Very good. Hey, watch it, pal. All the Puerto Ricans have a great sense of humor. A little fun fact. One of the highest rankings of sense of humor of all the races. I've studied this. She has a good sense of humor, right?

Yeah.

She keeps her shoes on the whole time, right?

All right, Tajay. Very fun stuff. You got through it. It took you 30 seconds to start your first joke after the whole diverse thing, but keep signing up. We want you to do it again. Maybe we have something. No medium ones. No, let's do it. We do have delicious watermelon Zippix toothpicks, but they're not just watermelon, they're peppermint watermelon. It's a mix.

William lights out Montgomery, the vagrant of Vermont. Hello, my friend. How exciting. You going first?

A perfect nicotine toothpick for a half white, half black comedian. Peppermint watermelon Zippix nicotine toothpicks plus a little joke book. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Tajay. Peppermint Watermelon. You can't even make it up. Brought to you by Zippix. Zip more, smoke less. All right. Another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Rick Schneuer.

Rick Schneuer, everybody. Rick Schneuer. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, Rick. Hold on a second. There is chaos amongst us. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony legend... Bodies hit the floor. One of the biggest legends in the history of the show. We haven't seen him since Skankfest.

My God. Oh, he has arrived. More evil than ever. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

You're looking at RFK Jr. right now.

Good to see you.

You're not going to hang out, Ari? How long has this show been going on? It's just another fucking 20 or 30 minutes or so.

What? Today? It's 10 p.m., Ari. Fuck. I mean, you're wearing the perfect shirt. Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen, joining the fray. We're just about to watch this guy do an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do it all together. How about one more time for Rick Schneuer, everybody?

Rick Schneuer. Hello, Rick. Welcome. How are you?

What do you mean by that exactly? Right in Texas? Yeah, in Texas, yeah. Okay. What ethnicity are you? By the looks of your nose, I'm guessing you're Ari Shafir. All right.

Look at you, though. Amazing. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like off and on, four years. When you say off and on, mostly off, I'm guessing?

By the way that minute went, why off so much? You know, I just had other stuff to do. No, I don't know. And I don't know what other stuff you would do. When I did this, I threw myself in seven days a week, absolutely obsessed every single night forever for years. So I don't know. What do you mean by that other stuff to do?

That's like practicing guitar once a month. It's true.

I'm kind of confused. I'm trying to understand. Why would you only do it once a month if you're passionate about it?

You thought you were going to get an hour special just out of nowhere?

You didn't want to do comedy? You don't want to do an interview?

I'm still waiting. Wow. Okay. Can you tell us anything interesting about your entire life before I get you out of here in a record-setting length interview?

Amazing. Wow.

Incredible.

Yeah. I ask anything interesting about you, you have a quick answer. Yes, I'm one of the nine million people from Pennsylvania.

I don't know how many of you know this or have been noticing or paying attention to the episodes, but lately, William hasn't been screaming that much because he's been having a sore throat. Your throat isn't sore at all this week.

What were you doing during that?

What did you do in the National Forest? I just like hiked around. Hiked around. Amazing. I got to tell you, you might be one of truly the most boring fucking human beings that's ever signed up for the show. Absolutely incredible. I wish you the best of luck in the world of biology. Well, you do work in biology. Do you have any questions for RFK Jr. ? He's written many, many books.

Oh, and... About science and whatnot. Medical, perhaps biology, one could even say.

Can you say that one? I don't understand a goddamn word.

Rick Schneuer, here's a little joke book. There you go. There you go. Hold your applause. Yeah. I wanted to get a woman out of the bucket, so I pulled until I found a woman. The great RFK Jr. said this has been a sausage fest. I totally agree. Here we go. Some female energies coming our way. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

And I do believe perhaps the Kill Tony debut of Jamie Lee Simmons, everybody. Here we go.

Jamie Lee Simmons. Welcome, welcome, Jamie.

Boston, Miami, Austin. Very cool. I love it. What do you do for work? Podcast, right?

Full-time.

Ari Shafir taking note. I love it, Jamie. How's Austin been treating you? I love it here. It's great. What do you love about Austin?

They are nice here. Yeah. It is incredible.

Yeah, yeah. How's that going for you?

Hanging out with musicians.

Yeah.

Testosterone.

That is so Ari. It's okay.

That is true. He definitely will.

Yeah. Is your OnlyFans Jamie Lee Simmons?

Oh, okay.

All right.

Okay. You do comedy topless on your OnlyFans?

That's amazing.

It's so cool to think guys would sign up for your OnlyFans and watch you do stand-up topless. Did anybody not mute it? You know, I didn't ask. I love it. Jamie, what are you afraid of? What scares you? Sometimes I ask people, what scares them? What scares me?

have a quirky fear of something? Is there, is it?

But incredible. The great. Would you like to you have any questions or would you like to talk to the great RFK Jr. here live in the flesh?

Yeah, that would.

But then again, there's guys that are into that RFK.

I don't think that's exactly how the saying goes.

I love it. Jamie, what did make you go with that color hair? That is an interesting color. Very Ronald McDonald.

You went through a big breakup recently?

Oh.

Yeah. Okay. How long were you with that guy for?

That makes sense. What are you into, like, hobby-wise, when you're not doing stand-up or something like that? Anything else wild or interesting?

Four cats. Four cats. Did you move here with four cats? I did. Did you live in Miami the whole time with four cats? I did. Did you live in Boston the whole time with four cats? I had two. So when you moved to Miami, you got two more.

Oh my God.

Matt Muehling has six cats? What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my God, you fucking creepazoid. Six motherfucking cats. You have six cats?

Wow. Bookie's a sweetheart. Absolutely incredible.

If you two got into a relationship, you'd have 10 cats.

Well... I've always wanted a dad, so... Imagine that household. Imagine that household. Just ten cats, a husband, a wife, and a mentally ill topless comedian. Oh, and two daughters. You have kids? You didn't know that? You have kids? You have six cats and two daughters? Jesus Christ, Matt Muehling. We need to have a conversation sometime.

I didn't know any of this about you. We should grab a coffee sometime or something, Matt. Let's do it. We've been working together every Monday for years. This is absolutely wild. Six cats, you have two daughters? Yeah, man. One of them's 16.

Are you fucking serious? What's your only thing? You have a... Where's your sound effect? Red band. Where's your victory sound? There it is. You have a 16-year-old cat or a daughter?

Oh, my God. How old are the cats?

Incredible. You have a century's worth of leave your shoes on pussy at your house. Amazing. Jamie Lee Simmons. So you've been sexually active while here in Austin, Texas?

Okay.

What's the most fun? Wait, what kind of papers do you need?

Oh, I see.

And then they, what, like, they hit you up, like, a week later, like, hey, what's up? Jesus Christ, I really need to fucking cum. Oh, my God, I'm freaking out.

RFK Jr. might be one of the greatest guests in the history of this show. Oh, he chugged it. Oh, my God. He's ready. USA! USA! USA! Oh, my God. This is incredible.

Suck it up.

And you also have full-blown herpes. This is quite the conundrum. This will never work between us. So sometimes guys, like, they go get tested, and, like, a week later, they're whatever, they hit you up, and they're like, hey, I'm clean.

So you check the papers.

And then you have unprotected sex with them. I mean, that would be crazy to make them wear a condom at that point, right?

So let me ask you this. They show you the papers, and then you have sex with them, right? And then after that, you'll basically have sex with them any time they want, right?

You still trust guys after buying four cats?

Red band. That's what he does. I know who's making my next cleanest TD test. I never thought of that. I love it. Jamie Lee Simmons, very funny.

Here you go. Here's the big joke book. The great Jamie Lee Simmons has made her Kill Tony debut. Let's get one more bucket pull up here, and then we're going to put a big ribbon on this thing. Make some noise. One minute uninterrupted for Andrew Renaud, everybody. Andrew Renaud. Here we go. Oh. One more time for Andrew, everybody. Hello.

Okay, well, in honor of Michael Lair, there was a long moment of silence at your, what should have been. There was no way this was gonna go well. It's okay. How are you, Andrew? This is your first time doing standup? It is. Hell yeah. Yes. How old are you? 51 today. 51 today. Happy birthday, my friend.

Yeah, what's been going on? What have you been doing these 51 years?

Okay. That's where this comes from. So a lot of time in submarines? No, surface ships.

You do. When you had the hat on, you looked like both Curious George and the owner.

It is hot in here. Would you like me to put the hat back on? Sure. I think it creates a little bit more likability. There you go.

Okay. You're like if somebody mushed Jack Black and Kyle Gass together and took out all the comedy. Okay. What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done before?

You ever, like, pull a prank on the other Navy guys or something?

Here's a big joke book just because it's your birthday. Congratulations. There he goes. Andrew Renaud. I love that you paid tribute to Michael Lair. That's cool. The first ever member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, the late, great Michael Lair. We love him and always will. One of my old, great best friends. Thank you. There he goes. Michael Renaud, everybody.

And now, with that said, it's time to get back to comedy, ladies and gentlemen. And with a show that started with William Montgomery, I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that there is one of the members of the new presidential administration on this panel. Because this young man, RFK, this young man is a guy who I'm really hoping...

we can speed up the citizenship process for. We need this guy to become an American. But right now, he is simply an Estonian assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from the great Ari Mati.

How were your shows in Buffalo? How did they go?

Ari Matty has done it again. Add it. Add it to the compilation, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. You have done it again. Every liquid a lady makes. How about tears? Would you take tears in your mouth?

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh, Tony.

RFK Jr. knows a lot about human liquids and whatnot. What do you think about all this?

I need to do it. Doesn't eating ass have some kind of vitamin or nutrients or something?

I noticed you've been squeezing your cricket while saying all this. Marilyn Monroe. You named it Marilyn Monroe? Told you that. Open your ears, jackass.

Ari, how's life been? What have you been up to?

Yeah, they really do. I also, I did the next night, he was in San Diego, you were in Phoenix, Arizona.

Yeah, it was the perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I was in San Diego complimenting how great burritos are in San Diego. I don't know what's going on. I just cannot stay away from trouble lately. I talk about how great the burritos are in San Francisco. At the same time, I also say that the Mexican food overall is better in Texas, and they start booing.

I go, I've lived there for four years, and I lived here in California for about 20 years. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. They just keep booing based on principle. I tell them, you people have never left San Diego. Your parents live here. You were raised here. They all laughed because that's true.

And then one guy in the front goes, this little guy, he's like, excuse me, like this because it's California. Yeah. And me and Adam wanted to hear what he had to say. Dr. Phil wanted to hear what he had to say. And so he goes, actually, the burrito was invented in San Francisco in 1975, which is like the dumbest, gayest thing ever humanly possible. And the crowd was just in a ruckus.

There was something about this guy saying San Francisco invented the burrito, me saying that Texas has better Mexican food. All the Latinos were having so much fun. There was one angry, fat, white woman, as always, right on cue. Just a simple case of psychology. This is a woman that eats, eats, eats, eats, eats, right? Consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes.

and then has to blather dumb shit out of her face because, you know, there's got to be an opposite reaction. And so she started a fist fight with women around her that were like, shut up, bitch, stop yelling. Because she was yelling.

Yeah, it was absolutely insane. Nothing makes any sense anymore.

Yeah.

That the only person that caused any ruckus during my political thing was a fat white woman. I mean, it is just right on cue.

Anything else going on, Ari?

She was super chill. And if you notice, the guy next to her, the girl whose neck is getting grabbed, is laughing and pointing at the lady like that. which leads me to believe that his girl, who literally matched the exact, it was like they were grabbing each other's jugulars, I think that she had training of some kind, and the boyfriend's just like, you don't want to fucking do this, fat, stupid.

Bitch. Yes. And they were literally enjoying themselves. It was absolutely incredible. They had a great old time. There was no victim other than the fucking whiny lady that was mad about everything. The pig, his red band, just signified by that snorting sound effect. I'm just acknowledging the animal that he was doing an impression of.

Ari Matty, another unbelievable set. That's how you fucking do it. The regulars tonight. Absolutely incredible. Future American citizen, Ari Matty. I gotta tell you guys, for the love of God, kyle dunnigan.com. Get fucking tickets. See this guy on tour. Absolutely destroyed all weekend. This is the... plug that RFK Jr. was interested in. He's a big Kyle Dunnigan fan.

How loud can this place get for the great RFK Jr.? I mean, wow. I don't know about you guys. I don't know. If it translated to your homes halfway as hard as it made me laugh, I was fucking dying tonight. He was just muttering. I would venture to say without a doubt he's in the running for guest of the year.

It's hysterical. Very hard to host this type of show where I literally just want to fall back in my chair laughing the whole time. I have to somehow keep it together. Ari Shaffir, what's going on? You're in town all week, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. That's adorable. Thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

Check that out on Netflix. KyleDunnigan.com. He's on tour. You saw it here tonight. Let him know you came from the Kill Tony universe. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers has. Oh my God, is that little baby Tony? Oh no, baby Tony. Oh my God. Oh my, that's adorable. Wow. That's the cutest thing ever. Look at that. My hairline wasn't that big when I was a baby.

But his mustache was. That is adorable. How about a hand for Chris Rogers, Chris Rogers Art. Zippix Toothpicks. And again, another big shout out to the amazing people over at Ghost Patch Custom. They make a bunch of stuff. Patches, pins, poker chips, decals, badges, coins. Bunch of stuff. Check them out. Ghostpatchcustom.com. Send some traffic their way.

Wow, making yo mama sleepy. Here he is with a big retort coming. He's grabbed it.

You told the man, is this your bitch? And then she was crying and then you said, you need to control your bitch. Yeah.

It sounds like a good time. I mean, we've been getting these reports about these weekends you have, but this is two weekends in a row.

Whoa. Secret gay man. An in-the-closet comedian. Wow. You keep that type of behavior up, you might get a Netflix special real fast, William. All right. Well, anything else we should know about, about your crazy weekend and your life and everything?

Absolutely incredible. I mean, what can I say that I haven't said about you a thousand times before? You're a legend. We love you. The new minutes have piled up. You are the record holder. You are the backbone of the show. Red Band thinks you're gay. I know. That's kind of weird. That is kind of weird. That's a new angle. That's a new angle coming from Red Band.

Red Band has figured out that calling you gay is something.

I wouldn't. No, I don't have a beard. I cannot grow a beard. There's not enough testosterone in the world. for me to be able to grow a beard. I've been seeing these people on CNN, these trans correspondents, these women that have turned into men. I saw one the other day had a full fucking beard. I'm like, this is bullshit.

I'm like, how the fuck are the trans people getting more testosterone into their bloodstream than me? I'm truly jealous of these women becoming more men than I am. I'm a man and I'm on testosterone and I have a penis and balls and I still can't grow a full beard. One day. One day. One day. One day. One day. I'll keep my fingers and my legs crossed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun with the stylings of the great and powerful William Montgomery. Where do we go from here? What a way to start. That's normally how you end. It's like a Tarantino film. It started with the ending. And I did meet Tarantino, one of my new best friends. No big deal. Your first bucket poll is a legend, ladies and gentlemen. I remember this guy very clearly.

A very interesting human being. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Sturm Wurm. How could we forget from years ago, Sturm Wurm? One more time for Sturm Wurm.