Lola

Whatever she makes up. I don't know what more I could do.

This is about our show. When I was growing up in this country, I would use the name Hillary. And in Spain, I would use the name Hilaria. And my family, like my parents, they call me Hilaria. My whole family called me Hilaria. And it was something that was always kind of like a, I see other people do it. And it always kind of bothered me that like neither name sounded good.

This is literally the best day of my life. I am so happy right now. I'm so happy I became wholesome like Lola for one brief second, but it's going to go away tomorrow. But for right now, I'm wholesome.

I just want my top back that she stole. This is my favorite blue tank top that she took out of my bag at a hotel and I never saw it again. The color and the size fit me perfectly. I asked her several times to look at it.

You know, it's just like, you know, it's like it really means a lot to me.

She's like, it's just like me.

it was like i really like that tank top and it's just like really so sad and i prayed to jesus about it so many times i was like i'm praying about the tank top that will come back into my life and jesus is like why are you so like concerned about material things i'm like thank you for acknowledging it so it was a good material on me and he was like i don't think you got my point that's like i do get your point i just want my tank top back and she's like lola you have to stop she's like mom what

Just get my tank top back, please. She's like, Jesus, finally, I'm converting you.

At least give me a taco.

I wear clips in my hair every single day, Sammy.

So we gather here today to remember a lizard and bless the beasts and the children. And here's to you, here's to me. May we never disagree. If we do, fuck you. Godzilla's dead, yay. Wait, was that a prayer or was that a toast? I don't know.

I would never jump off a drip.

What? I didn't know about that. I would, you know, I would go skydiving. I mean, I really would. I really would go skydiving, but I would never jump off a bridge. I mean, that's scary down there.

We've had sheeps. We've had rabbits. We've had cats. We've had dogs. We've had iguanas. We've had camels. We've had lions. We've really had everything.

Um, what do I do? This is like too much. You know, I could do all things through Christ, but like, I think I'm actually a builder. Look, I made crates.

You know, they're really out of control. I tried to say a prayer for them. It just didn't work, but I did build a cage.

Well, why can't Sammy wash them?

She's like, I don't care enough to tell people. I mean, the Lord knows, and that's all that matters.

No one told me he was dead. I didn't know he was dead, though.

She's like, well, I can't do it on Saturday. I've got work, Mom.

you know, with Brooke, I pray that she's okay. But like, I think she was like married to my dad. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Who is this woman who always hangs out with me? I don't even know.

Me neither.

the little this lizard with a hat on it was ridiculous so then um lola gets a phone call she's like oh my god why is it no caller id calling me is it god and then um they answer and this guy starts saying yo i'm not trying to apologize and she just hangs up and she's like oh my god i've like blocked him everywhere just like i made it clear that i just don't want to i just want to be friends with him like he doesn't follow jesus or make him the center of his life i don't know

No, follow Jesus.

Yeah, well, it's good to see you too, Denise. Yeah, good to see you.

I was so young when I worked here. I was 17. She's like 19 now. All youth.

Yeah, they thought I was just like a fan. And I was like, thank Jesus for that.

She goes, well, I kept it a secret because I didn't want people to treat me any differently. Like, how funny is that? And she says, my relationship with my dad is, you know, it's definitely improved. We started getting pedicures together, like, every two or three weeks. And that's become our favorite thing to do together. You know, he used to get pink with sparkles on top.

And it was sort of weird because he'd always have, like, three prostitutes. So we sort of filled up the whole nail salon. But whatever. It was fun.

We did have, like, a tense moment at one pedicure because he made a joke. He said, today is, like, Taco Toes Day. And I was like, please don't make fun of Taco Tuesday. It's a sacred night.

So we prayed for Godzilla together, and then he painted Godzilla's face on all ten of his toes.

It was really moving. It was nice that there was a rabbi there.

Yeah, I really struggled with finding boyfriends. You know, it's really hard for me to trust someone because I never know if they're just like a fan of my dad. And like one guy who had a crush on me literally had a poster of my dad on his wall. And he was just like a little bit obsessed or a lot. Like, I don't know, like very weird.

I definitely don't want to go on another date with Patrick Muldoon. It was just really strange.

Oh, Lola's like, I think it's a sweet potato, Dad, actually.

It's like a sepia-toned memory.

And Lola's like, I think this is where Sammy gets her dark humor from. That's where she gets all her E. coli jokes.

I mean, she got a spray tan the other day.

Sometimes I think about if you were still married and if we all lived in the same house, what that would be like.

Like Thanksgiving?

Because if you don't read it, it doesn't exist.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I just don't know, Mom.

Mom, stop.

I just really want to have like Taco Tuesday with my dad. Thank you, Jesus, for Taco Tuesday and my dad.