Louise Thompson

You've never done that?

What do you mean?

Of course, he's a child.

How else do you think a child gets their arse wiped?

So now he's starting to do it on his own?

You have to wipe his butt.

What were you expecting, Sam?

Have you never had to do it?

You've got so much to learn.

Like, what the hell, Lee?

You need to go to the NCT classes and several, like, parenting workshops before you have a child.

yeah and he's like his little legs dangling off he drops an absolute deuce and you're literally and he's like right mum I'm ready for my ass to be wiped no he calls he basically he'll trot downstairs because now he'll go on his own but often he wants there's a whole like ritual around it he wants to talk often he wants to talk so he'll be like mummy mummy I need a poo come down with me and I'm like I think you're old enough to do this now and sometimes he just like literally drags me down there but he's quite particular sometimes he'll be like no you can't watch so he'll shut the door he'll tell me exactly where I need to stand he's like no no no don't move over there he's just there

and then and then I'm like oh but I could just try and like put something into a washing machine and he's like no no gotta be there just there don't move don't touch that and and then he'll and then he'll like call me in so I can wipe his butt and now it's how does he call you in this is interesting because you know girls wipe their bum from the front to the back sorry what but wait Du Bois no fucking shut up

See, look, that's how much.

But what if you have a daughter, brah?

Yeah, see, you're freaking out.

You're not ready.

But wait, how do you wipe your bum?

Oh, no, that is front to the back.

That's what I mean.