Maitlis

I have seen, witnessed three protection officers going to a car to bring someone's bags out and bringing their bags into where there's not a chance.

And they never realised.

I feel really bloody boring.

I've never had close protection.

I'm just a loser.

We are 50 days away from the start of the World Cup and there is a little problem about Iran going to play football in the United States of America.

And one of Donald Trump's envoys has come up with a whiz-o-weez.

Delete Iran, insert Italy.

Now, of course, there is the small matter that there is a whole series of qualifying rounds to see who qualifies for the World Cup.

And Iran qualified.

And Italy, despite winning the World Cup four times, didn't.

So why don't we just get rid of those bloody Iranians and put all those Italians in?

Because, after all, loads of people will want to come and see Italy and spend their money in America.

It wasn't the Nobel Prize, was it?

No, no.

It was the FIFA Peace Prize for Mr. Infantino.

You're not trying to join dots here, are you?

And say that, well, because he might be Italian, he would quite like to see Italy in.

You know, I heard this story and I thought, well, this can't happen.

It's just simply impossible for this to happen because Iran played in the Asian group of nations.