Mark Groves
speaker
137 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Mark Groves’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Because of course, what happens is the fear engages in a behavior that just recreates the story.
Yeah. And then, you know, for the avoidant attachment, it's really about like, can I stay a little longer in spaces and connection? Can I actually be in relationship to another person and not feel like I'm going to lose myself? You know, because you think about it, it's like a lot of the time what the real underlying fear there, and I've been avoidant.
I got really avoidant in my life after I went through a giant betrayal. I got cheated on. And then I didn't know what I was doing for like five years. I would date and be in relationship. And as soon as someone would tell me, I really like you, my stomach would get sick. I would want to withdraw. And they were like on paper, incredible people. They were incredible people, but I just couldn't.
And I was like terror. I always think like in hindsight, I was terrified of women. I was terrified of like a woman who was like, I like you, I choose you. I'm like,
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, a model of a, that's why I think like a good coach or therapist is so powerful for that because they'll generally be able to model that. But yeah, being able to sit with people that you care about and be able to actually, I mean, eye gazing is really powerful for that with no conversation. But also I think being able to bring forward the fears in relationship is,
You know, because when I was more avoidant, it was that I did not know... The underlying story that lived in my mind was that when I loved people, they were going to leave me or betray me.
And I think that's such a simple practice, no matter your attachment style, is to just finish the sentence, when I love people, they... Because what that ultimately will point to, or when I love people, I, because that could be like, I abandon myself, I forget about my needs. It really points to the upper limit that is living unconsciously in the way that we relate.
And like you were saying, the way that someone relates to you is generally not personal. Their avoidance is not personal, it's a strategy. They don't know how to deal with your overwhelming feelings, so the best thing they can do is just peace out and get away.
And I joked about my wife and I, that being the joke of the universe, is that we like bring people into our experience who trigger us in the exact way that requires us to heal and resolve the things from our childhood. And we call it chemistry. And in a way it is, you know, it's like the perfect recipe.
for someone who's an avoidant, you know, being able to say to the person that they're in relationship with, you know, I really feel the need to leave right now. Like that's the sense I have. And maybe initially that's actually what's required is like, I need a couple hours, but I'm going to, they have to be the one who comes back, the person who asks for space.
Because it's always the anxious person is like, so are you ready to talk? You know? And sometimes I always joke that like the avoidant's like, I'll bring this back up. And then like 10 years later they're like, oh yeah, remember that thing?
Yeah, and for the anxious person to be able to say, like, together as a couple working through something like that is, you know, like, what would you need to hear from me as I take this space? Do you need me to check in on you in a couple hours? And I'll be the one who comes back and you make the rule no longer than 24 hours.
And hopefully you just bring that time down until eventually both people, as you were saying, they heal their stories. Like when they take space, they leave. Or when they have needs, I get overwhelmed and it becomes all about them. I think it's actually ethically a deep responsibility for any interventionalist to actually do somatic work.
And if your survival strategy, which is, that's why I think like at the core of why we do that or why we're good at something, that's great that it's a developed thing. At least we took a wound and turned it into something we could turn into a living and it feels natural for us. But at some point we have to unhook from the need to be needed.
And I think a lot of interventionists get stuck in that, is that still unconsciously they need their client to need them and they're being paid for it. So we have to actually do the deeper somatic work that you're talking about so that our nervous system liberates their nervous system. So there's not unconscious hooks. There's like deep unconscious contracts that we're,
you know, in a way, unconsciously sabotaging the success of the people we work with.
You had a hook back into their wound. You know, it just becomes the same model. And, you know, as I agree with you and it's like all really good, like every mentor I've had, every
every healer i've worked with everything i always can sense like are they here to actually liberate me and and i might not have known that initially but that's now how i sense it's like are they do they need me to validate them do they need any of that no that's right do you walk away feeling better about yourself or better about them that's a good indicator right like i need you to think of me as great or do i feel great in your presence
Yeah, and you know, I think a lot of the time, too, when we're disorganized, especially, there's a deep desire for a relationship, but then we just don't know why. Like, I had no idea when I was in that phase of my life after that deep betrayal. One, I went from being so pro-relationship, so in love with love, and
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